We've only been seperated a week, but my H has been over almost every day. I couldn't take the way he was making himself at home and just walking in unannounced. It just didn't seem right. This morning I woke up to find him in the kitchen....he had brought donuts for our S who was at a sleep over and wasn't home yet. He's been doing all these nice jestures all week...bringing dinner one day, washing the truck today. It has me confused as heck. I don't ever want to get my hopes up only to be let down.

So this evening when he came by to return the truck (he had borrowed it to move some things into his apt.), I told him we needed to talk. I started off by telling how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness this week, but it was sending me mixed messages and making me wonder what his intentions were. I also said that things need to be equal and since I don't have keys to his apt., I can't just drop by and walk on in. I said the rules have changed now...we are separated and he can't just come and go as he pleases. He asked, not very happily, what I wanted him to do. I told him he need to let me know when he was coming and he needed to knock on the door instead of just letting himself in. I told him that it hurts me too much to have him keep coming and going, that I needed to get on with my life. He said, Oh, okay you want to move on!

He said, you know, I was just trying to be nice and remain a part of S's life. I don't know what you've been telling everyone, probably that I'm the bad guy and I'm just trying to be nice!! And I don't want S to think I'm the bad guy either. Then he said fine whatever you want! I'll stop doing nice things and I'll knock if I come by! Then he stormed off.

Now I feel like crap. I took one look at those uneaten donuts tonight and broke into tears. I know I did the right thing, so why do I feel so bad?

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: wontgiveupyet ]</small>

This may not help your feeling of "crudiness" but I think you did exactly the right thing in setting a boundary. And you must be so strong to be able to do that...pat yourself on the back.

You feel like crud because he tried to make you feel that way and you let him (because you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and want to believe what he says). You know you are in the correct mode here..you did a correct ACTION so try to trust that.

It is not bad that your H wants to do nice things. The problem is that he's not acted like a separated kind of guy. If y'all get divorced, he's going to have to face life like this. And the bigger problem yet is that he is, as you said, sending mixed signals. This is almost worse than saying "yes, I'm committed" or "yes, I want a divorce". You want to have hope..and the mixed signals send you off balance to where your judgement is skewed and you don't know if your hopefulness is based on reality or not. I am sure your H cannot understand this..but wanted to let you know that maybe *someone* does and it's not an unjustified feeling.

I'm so glad that you did not just say that you wanted to move on. Yes, you said it and that's the thing your husband chose to focus on (he didn't have to focus on that, but he did..because of his whole mixed signal thing). But you also said that he's just sending mixed signals and that it's too much for you. It sounded like you did it in a non-judgemental, respectful way...so kudos for you.

Keep being strong..I think you did exactly the right thing!! Maybe if this comes up again, you can try to negotiate it with him? There's been some good posts abotu one-sided POJA.

Hang in there. Sounds like you did exactly the right thing to me. Boundaries should be set to keep you from becoming a doormat. You are not a doormat but a loving, and commited spouse and parent.

I feel the same way too everytime even though I expect it. We know how they are going to react but it still hurts. One thing that has helped me is when I think of WW as a person that has lost her way and needs my help. I realize that she is ill right now and very confused. Because of this I must continue to be strong even through the times when she says hurtful things. I know inside that she is hurting worse and worse everyday and that drives me to continue on. Everyday the BS gains a little more strength and the WS slips towards the bottom of reality.

C.

Hi,

Maddy & Shmaley both gave you some good info. You did right by sticking to your boundaries. As they said, the WS is trying to make you feel like crap. But he can only succeed if you allow him to do so.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I told him that it hurts me too much to have him keep coming and going, that I needed to get on with my life. He said, Oh, okay you want to move on!

He said, you know, I was just trying to be nice and remain a part of S's life. I don't know what you've been telling everyone, probably that I'm the bad guy and I'm just trying to be nice!! And I don't want S to think I'm the bad guy either. Then he said fine whatever you want! I'll stop doing nice things and I'll knock if I come by! Then he stormed off.

Now I feel like crap. I took one look at those uneaten donuts tonight and broke into tears. I know I did the right thing, so why do I feel so bad? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is not being a good father while having any A so the donuts and the truck washing is something anyone can do. Tell him that. Then remind him that he said 'whatever you want'. Did he mean that? If so, tell him what you want and he s/b happy with it. Then let him know that knocking is appreciated but if he is going to have an attitude, it c/b taken to the next level....it is all up to how he displays his attitude.

See you want him to feel the consquences of his actions.

U w/b fine. I gather being a 'meany' isn't your cup of tea but being honest and respect is. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The WS as a rule don't like when the BS is honest and the last thing they want t/d is give the BS respect.

L.

plan b
plan b
plan b

plan b

let go of being involved in his chaos...

let him experience the reality of his choices.

you have plan a well and enough
plan b
plan b
plan b

easy?
nope
not at all

what are YOUR options
continued exposure to chaos and drama
continue pawn in his attempts to appease his own pian by bringing donuts

continue to be used to pacify and appease his actions/choices..

plan b my friend

set yourself free....

It is the chains that he himself has forged that he is wearing...
remove yourself from that...

ARK

won't give up YET: (good for you!)

Sorry your H is manipulating your feelings for his own gain.
Always hate to see that happen.

Please keep in mind that all the "nice" things your H is doing is to make HIM "feel" better. It is just a way for him to control his own GUILT.
In his warped mind, [when he feels bad] he comes over washes the car, mows the grass, whatever...........it balances the scales (to him) and he feels better.

Many WS do this at all points of the A.
When a BS doesn't even know about the A...it usually happens more like this:
The WS is mean or distant, then they go and SEE the OP.
But when they come back home to family and BS they get a twinge of guilt.....so for the next few days they are "extra" nice or considerate to the BS....to Make it up to them . (Crazy huh?...as the BS has NO IDEA of the how's and why's to all the constant mood changes).

It just further illustrates the selfishness of WS's. They are giving the BS a total wrong picture and idea of what is going on.
And sadly since the BS doesn't understand, they end of blaming themselves for their spouses "bad mood".

As for you now:
Your H actions are also a way to continue to keep you uncertain and off balance.
Why would he do it?
To keep as much Control of the situation as possible.

Never forget that during an A (while BS is in the dark) the WS has ALL the power and control in the relationship. They manipulate any and all circumstances to their advantage.

However, now that you Know he isn't as ALL powerful as he once felt.
Guess what?
He liked the other way better and will do as much as he can to retain as much Control as you let him.

Remember he is USED to getting his way....for quite a while now.
IN many ways he is acting like a child would now.
You set a limit and he has to test it. (Just to see if you'll stick by your convictions).
Or will you give in and cave to his "demands".

He doesn't like your boundaries (of course not) .
SO, he fights back and does his best to make your own boundaries as UNCOMFORTABLE for YOU as possible.

Don't forget that you've been married to this man, and he KNOWS how to push your buttons. He knows how to get to you in the quickest and most efficient ways.
Like a child he is going to resist and push back against ANY new boundaries.
(He doesn't like them....he likes getting his own way).
And since he has been conditioned for a long time now too getting his way, its going to take time to set limits on him.

Your going to push...he's going to push back harder.
Basically he's going to keep raising the anti, until he thinks you'll break and give into him.

Hey, he's got history on his side. He's seen you give in plenty of times before. So he's thinking "She will again".
Honestly, how many times have you not given into fear or indecision and stuck 100% to what is best for you?? I don't know...but I'll bet you've caved in more then stuck to your guns.

The key is too only SAY what you REALLY mean and will stick by.
Waffling or going back on what you say....will only make this problem worse.
The onus is on you to PROVE you'll stick by what you say to him. No matter what.

As a result be mindful of what you say or threaten when you get emotional.
Don't say something in anger or hurt that when you calm down and fell better you will back track on and say "Oh, never mind.. That's OK".
Don't do this, as this shows him that he can manipulate you through your emotions.

Say only What YOU Mean....and then make sure to stick to it.
Better one or 2 rules you will stand up For......then a 100 that when push comes to shove...YOU Won't!

With that said, I'm not attacking you (hope I didn't come across that way).
I just want to perhaps get you too see that what your experiencing is normal....and that its the Way in which YOU handle it that determines how its going to play out.
YOU have the power now (however, power does us no good if we don't realize we have it). Its very easy to give our power away.

Indeed, they ALL get angry, then threaten and bluster when they can't get their way and control the situation.
But you do have to stand up for yourself and your rights at some time. Suffering in silence (in some vain hope that this is what will make him see the light) is not the way to go.

If your uncomfortable with ANY part of your relationship, its OK to express that too him.
As long as its done using "I" words and you remain calm and do your best not to LB on him in your explanations.

This is why he tries to push you into LBing and fighting with him.
If he gets you into an argument, then he can dismiss "whatever" it was you were attempting to get across.

You did nothing wrong IMO.
You are allowed to have boundaries and limits in your life.
Your goal now is to NOT permit his outbursts to still control your feelings to this extent.
Yes, you don't have too....but if you don't this process is going to be go on a lot longer and be much more difficult on you.

Wishing you success. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
later

Boundaries are no substitute for Plan B.

A perfect opportunity is being missed by not going into Plan B now. It should be done now, while he is still attached to his home. It should be done before he becomes accustomed to living on his own. Waiting will only diminish it's impact; nor is there any reason whatsoever to wait another day.

Another opportunity moving further, further, further away as every minute passes......

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable because its something new you are doing. You are learning a new behaviour. It takes time, but eventually it becomes automatic and you will surprise yourself. Keep working on it and don't be phased if you go backwards - it happens and you will feed like crud whatever you do... but it does pass and things do get better...

Your WS is trying to manipulate you with being 'nice' instead of doing the right thing. He;s trying to turn it back on you and make himself feel better because he knows he's doing the wrong thing. All you have to do is be aware of this and keep doing what you are.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Ark, I've always wanted a reply from you! Thanks. All of your replies made a lot of sense to me. I am doing well, but I worry about my S constantly.

Yes, I am going to give him the plan B letter. It is ready and waiting.

S and I went out of town for a couple days to the lake with some friends...H had originally been invited, but seeing as we are no longer together, our friends extended the invitation to only me and S. We had a blast...S with 3 of his friends and me with two couples...a little awkward, but I enjoyed myself. It is sometimes hard for me to see other couples so happy...I am happy for them, but it makes me sad for me.

Anyway, I had to obviously let H know of S's whereabouts and he offered to care for the pets while we were gone. I think he may have slept at the house, but he was no longer there when we returned. I had S call him once while we were gone just so he could talk to him, but I did not speak to him, nor did he ask S about me....he is playing it cool now...my request for boundaries apparently is of no concern to him anymore. I spoke to him briefly when we returned to find out how pets did, he was distant so I let him talk to S about his trip.

I need to ask him to take S to swimming tomorrow night while I go to my prayer and life workshop, so I guess I can give Plan B letter to him then...

Having a child makes this Plan B thing difficult...how do I communicate things about my S with him? Is email okay as long as there is no R talk, just necessary info??? Or do I ask S to communicate with him for me? Isn't that a bit of a burden to ask of a 10 year old??

Nid, I'm glad you had a nice weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

About contact, I would leave all communication between S and him. Email contact is still contact and will defeat the entire purpose of going dark. Ask him to contact you in emergencies ONLY, all arrangements can be made through son. If he has to pick up son, he can park out front and son will come out to him.

You can pretty much expect him to do everything and anything to test you and get you to break NC, so please be prepared for that. He will be testing your resolve and will try to get you back on his string. He won't like Plan B at all!

Okay Melody....I am ready for this. S knows I am going to do this and I think his young mind understands as best he can as to why I need to do this. I have explained it to him and that I am doing it in an effort to save our M, not because I want to be mean to his dad. I hope it is not too hard for him. Oh, sometimes it makes me so MAD that my S has to go through all this s@#$!!! Anyone and everyone, please pray for my precious boy to come through this okay. I do know that he is seeing a strong and happy mother right now, that has to be good, right?

I just wanted to send a message of support and wish you luck, Wontgiveupyet. I am in plan B and although it has been hard for a moment or two, in many ways it has been easier than Plan A because it is a relief from the constant tension and pain. It has been a time for me as it will be a time for you and your son...and that is VERY Important.

I also wanted to let you know that I benefitted from your post. I think you did great by setting the boundary. I will pattern my own message based on your response because I think you did so well. I can understand how I/you would feel like "crud" because we actually have a conscience about how our behavior effects others and WH's addiction keeps them from having awareness or sensitivity about how their action effect anyone other than themselves. As BS's, esp. in Plan B, it is all about our protection and you cannot have someone coming and going in your life as they please. It causes too much pain so good for you in protecting yourself.

God bless you and your son in this passage. It is a step in a long journey and may HE watch over us as we travel this path.

Good morning!

Nid, your son will come through Plan B better than he would come through witnessing his dad get away with having an A and manipulating his mom at every turn for his own gain.

Your son learns from you here what is and isn't acceptable behavior for a "married" spouse, whether it is "married" just on paper or not. He learns from you that a woman should be strong enough emotionally to refuse to be disrespected in her marriage by a selfish spouse. Really nid, he'll learn some very good beneficial lessons from all this and my examples here are just a mere sampling!

Hi Nid - please refresh my memory - my oldstimers disease again:

What have you done legally? What are you planning to do legally? - specifically regarding your son's custody?

Your son is your ace in the hole. I don't mean this to suggest you should use your son overtly as leverage. But nothing changes in affairs until consequences of affair decisions are felt. One consequence of your H's is that he will no longer have ready access to your son. Oh well.

I agree that his "nice" actions are driven by his attempt to feel better about himself. Your appropriate admonition of him takes away this "outlet" and he predictably reacts as an adolescent being told their idealistic view of the world isn't so.

WAT

<small>[ September 07, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hey WAT, I have done nothing legal yet, because there is no legal separation in Texas. If I go ahead and file for D, then legal actions can be taken regarding finances and S. What I have done is list all the bills we have and who will pay for what (he will pay for most)and he has signed it. We also verbally agreed that S will live with me, no overnights at his apt. H is free to take him out as often as he reasonably likes (with regard to schoolwork, etc.), but s will be returned to his home afterward. I was adamant about my S not having two homes.

I have considered putting the custody thing in writing too, but haven't done so yet.

H sees S every weekday morning since he takes him to school (I have to leave too early). Should I make other arrangements here as well? That seems a little harsh. I know he is already missing him terribly.

H had to come over tonight to take S to swimming. I am about to go to my prayer workshop. When he got here, S and I were not home...we had gone running. H asked me if I wanted the key to the house since I am not "comfortable" with him coming in. I said it didn't matter. I plan on changing the locks anyway. He was totally dry, unemotional, cold, detached, you name it. I don't think he could have cared a less to see me. I'm beginning to think he won't even care when I give him the plan B letter. Who knows?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
<strong>

H sees S every weekday morning since he takes him to school (I have to leave too early). Should I make other arrangements here as well? That seems a little harsh. I know he is already missing him terribly.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is good, he needs to be missing him and get a glimpse of the reality of walking away from his family. I would let him continue to pick up S in the morning if he can do it without entering your home. I wouldn't do it unless he agrees to not come in your house.

My H would come by every morning to help get the kids to school when we were seperated. We had 3 kids in 3 different schools. I even let him iron their clothes and I went out the door first with the earliest one so there was minimal contact between us.

It can work.

H and I had it out last night. I don't feel like retelling the whole thing, but suffice it to say that he tore me down (made me feel our whole problems are due to my A 6 years ago). He was cruel and almost violent. I cowered in a corner and cried. I am so tired of being smashed to smithereens for a mistake so long ago. After a while, H felt bad and apologized. He said he just can't get over it...he doesn't think he ever can...doesn't think we have any hope. He said he hasn't and isn't talking to OW, but that he can't say he won't. He said if I want to file for D, he is fine with that...he said he doesn't blame me if I do. He said he was sorry for everything he has done to me...sorry for falling in love with OW. He held me and I sobbed like a baby.

Afterwards, I gave my H the letter. He said he understood why I wanted to do it (no contact with him), but that he didn't think it was very practical because of S.

He also apologized for the night before(when I set my boundaries and he got upset) and said he overreacted and said things he shouldn't have.

I wish I hadn't cried...his words just hurt me so much...that's why I know Plan B would be good for me. But he won't do it so what do I do?

Then today he came by...we talked about various things. Then before he left, he told me that he had talked to OW last week. He said it was about one of them stepping down from the board. He said it would most likely be her. I simply said, "Okay, thanks for telling me."

What do I do???? A part of me wants to just quit trying to save this M, just be kind to him and let him go, and get on with my life. I'm tired of this battle....

Nid, I don't understand what the problem is. Why are you talking to him if you are in Plan B? Why is he in the house? You don't need his permission to go into Plan B. If you gave him the letter, then go into Plan B. Just because he comes over doesn't mean you break your Plan B.

Get the locks changed and move forward. Don't answer his calls. If he comes to the door ask if he has ended his affair. If not, refer him to your Plan B letter, ask him to respect your wishes, and close the door. He will get the message if you sound like a broken record.

Of course he won't like Plan B, no WS does. He will do everything in his power to break it. But his approval is not required here.

Take charge of your own life, Nid. It's not the time to go wishy washy, it's time to go into Plan B.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wontgiveupyet:
<strong>Afterwards, I gave my H the letter. He said he understood why I wanted to do it (no contact with him), but that he didn't think it was very practical because of S.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OF COURSE it's not practical because of your son!! It wasn't practical for your son for your husband to leave!!!

Nid, you have got to start standing up to him.

You may have set the record for ther shortest Plan B ever. Now take a stand, tell him that your letter defines your position, and change the locks. No more communication about your marriage, the OW, nothing - except absolutely necessary communication about your son.

When he attempts to turn the table on you by claiming this regimen won't work becasue of your son, keep thinking that it was HIS decision to leave.

Regarding your past affair, he's just using this as a convenient excuse to defend his own affair. How hypocritical.

WAT

Hi everyone. Well, yesterday S and I woke up to donuts in the kitchen again with a note attached to S. I told S to call his dad and thank him. When S was speaking to him, H asked to speak to me. He said he had knocked and no one answered so he let himself in. Time to change the locks I suppose.

S and I spent all day at my mom's house...we had fun with cousins and my sisters. H had apparently called while we were gone. I felt so sad for him...he's lonely.

This morning H called and asked if we were going to church. I said yes and he said maybe he'd see us there. He got there late and sat with us. S looked a little uncomfortable...I don't know. H followed us back to the house and asked if I could cut his hair. I said okay. Afterwards, he started to get close to me and wanted SF. I asked him to stop...that I couldn't do that without having his "heart"...it hurts too much. He got upset and left.

Its not right for him to expect that of me...especially after I gave him the plan B letter and he just disregarded it. So I sent him an email tonight expressing my desire for him to respect my wishes about no contact with me. I told him this is all too confusing for everyone. He needs to be away from me too in order to decide what he wants, right?

I haven't received a reply...I probably won't. So here I go...trying to go dark. I hope I can...I hope it works.

Nid, it can only work if you work it. Plans don't just "work" magically by themselves. They are inanimate things that need you to operate them. In Plan B, that is something that is intended for YOU to work, not something that you "hope" just "happens" by magic. It is not self propelled.

It doesn't matter if he respects your Plan B, you must take care that he does observe it by changing the locks, not answering his calls, not letting him in. Plan B's success is entirely UP TO YOU, not him. He is not the one in Plan B.

<small>[ September 12, 2004, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks, Melody. I know its going to be up to me...that's why I said I hope I can. When I said I hope it works, I meant I hope Plan B works (not by itself:) but by the end result being my H wanting to reconcile. I am going to try my hardest to stick to this. After today, I realized all this contact he is trying to maintain is going to drive me insane because it wouldn't be any different from what was going on when he lived at home. He'd be getting what he wants and I would continue to be in limboland.

I want to do this. Its just so hard for me to turn my back on him. I feel such sadness when I see him. But I know that it is the last chance I have to save my M. Pray for me...

Wontgiveupyet,

You are going through a tough transition, and I send my prayers to you. I am glad that you are here to get support and some good advice...which I benefit from because I am in Plan B also. I am worried about you because Plan B should be for you...to protect you and your feelings. I know that contact hurts....it must really hurt if it is direct contact and if it uses a prior A as a weapon against you(an MB no-no). You have asked very calmly IMHO for WH to respect your wishes. He has not done so on several occassions and now to protect yourself from further damage, please change the locks. If he asks why did you do that, say "because I asked you to respect my wishes and you were unable to abide by that and I need to feel safe." (I expect to have the same conversation so I am practicing.)

Plan B without contact with WH is great. I have not had contact with WH for almost two weeks...I could not call him if I wanted to because he is overseas. We use to argue about how often he should call and I'd beg him to call at least every three days. Since going to Plan B, he has called just about everyday to leave a message. He also said that he checks everyday for messages from me. AINT GOING TO HAPPEN. Tonight, he called me about six times, but I did not answer. I just came back from a trip of my own to a place I always wanted to go to and had a blast. I took a risk and came out okay. A great self-confidence builder. The point is Plan B is for the BS....I have peace and regaining control over my life right now. Whether M is restored or not, I getting okay with both outcomes because I do not have the daily tearing down....I'm working on a new me.

You had the courage to go to the MB plan--that is great. You had the courage to go to Plan B--not easy, but necessary. We BS are faithfully addicted to our WS's and it will take courage to change the locks. I hope you will have a surge of courage to take those steps. Think of you and try to fight the urge to have contact with WH. The peace of mind it will bring is so worth it. Stay strong!

Thanks, SS. I will have the locks changed. I was in the shower tonight and the dog began barking (S was asleep), and I was so uncomfortable thinking that maybe he had come over. I checked and there was no sign of him, but it still made me feel uneasy (not that I am afraid of him in any way).

He hasn't emailed back...I guess he's respecting my wishes.

Goodnight all....

It seems like when he has contact with you he just gets enough of a fix from you to empower him to get stronger to stay away longer. So, hopefully along with plan B helping you stay sane it will have the effect of having him begin to miss you enough to realize he wants to stay married.

Doesn't he get the mixed signals he is sending you? How does he expect you to respond to advances of SF at this point? Without his recommitment it seems very disrespectful of you. Or is that like bringing donuts...SF is giving you a bit of himself so he can relieve some fogged guilty conscience.

I really think it is worth giving a real plan B a try. Yes, he will probably suffer some; he needs to. Yes, it will be difficult for you. Hopefully, you will benefit in the long run and recover one way or the other.

I am glad that is the way you are deciding to go.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This morning H called and asked if we were going to church. I said yes and he said maybe he'd see us there. He got there late and sat with us. S looked a little uncomfortable...I don't know. H followed us back to the house and asked if I could cut his hair. I said okay. Afterwards, he started to get close to me and wanted SF. I asked him to stop...that I couldn't do that without having his "heart"...it hurts too much. He got upset and left.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You confuse him nid. He's been giving you crumbs for over a year now and you've been just fine with it. He uses contact with you to make himself feel better and he's able to use you to provide services for him from haircuts to attempted SF. Why is he angry? He can't figure out why all of a sudden crumbs aren't enough for you.

You have to decide if you want crumbs, which will eventually lead you to a divorce or if you want a new marriage. Your old one is dead and gone, you have no choice but to start from a new place or file for divorce. Do you really see any other options nid? You can't have a marriage with a man who doesn't respect you and only you can insist on whether you will allow yourself to be disrespected or not. Call a locksmith TODAY and get on with the task of building something new. It doesn't matter one iota if he "respects" your wish to Plan B or not, it's solely up to you to enforce it whether he respects it or not. That is how Plan B works.

<small>[ September 13, 2004, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: mthrrhbard ]</small>

Hi Wongiveupyet, Hope you and the locksmith are meeting today! That action alone will get your point across that words have not been able to. I found a good thread on Plan B and thought I would share it with you. It was originally on the Plan A/Plan B section--it is from a thread called notable postings...from about August 2004. I found several threads that were useful. Here is one that I read and thought about alot...hope it helps you.

web page Hope the link works.

Stay strong and call that Locksmith--they are on 24 hour call and work really fast.

Thanks SS...I read the thread. My brother in law said he would change the locks for me...I just need to ask him. H is going to be fuming. He was apparently here today while I was at work...hmmm...probably snooping trying to figure out why I've gotten so tough. He kept questioning me a week or so ago if there was someone else...he said he wouldn't blame me....yeah right.

How do you deal with the lonliness? I mean, for over a year, my H has been here in body, but not emotionally. I want to connect with someone...I want to love someone and have them love me...its been so long. How do you handle these feelings? I've been so betrayed for so long, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to trust his word and him. A part of me is so ready to be done and move on. Why do I feel this way? Anyone else have these feelings of just throwing in the towel? I love my H, but I don't think I'm willing to wait for him to decide if I'm important. I've decided I'm only going to give him a few months, then I will file for D. I feel like I've given it my all for so long...I want to be with someone who wants me...I have a lot to offer...I often wonder if my H will ever treat me the way I want to be treated...help...how do I handle these feelings???

Nid, I would get the locks changed tomorrow and then email him and ask him to respect your privacy and not enter the house again. Tell him to please refer to your Plan B letter. But get the locks changed first tomorrow. If he replies to your email, just delete the emails or route them spam mail. He will get the message.

Be strong and hang in there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Melody. Thats exactly what I did last night...I sent him an email asking him to please respect my wishes and to re read the letter. He never responded. But obviously he came in today anyway while I was gone. So, I will ask BIL to change the locks ASAP.

I will hopefully have them changed before S and I go out of town Wed. I know he's expecting me to ask him to care for the dog, but I'm going to board him instead.

But what about the feelings I expressed in my last post....are they normal??

Hi Wontgiveupyet,

What a great brother-in-law...that is great he will change the locks. In the end, you will have peace of mind and will feel safe and that is the way it should be. With no contact with your H, you will preserve the love you have left (and maybe not have you throw in the towel) and will not have some of the feelings you have right now. Plan B is for us, the BS...to heal and protect.

I understand your question about being lonely--the way I handled it was to put emphasis on other parts of my life where I connected with people. I prep'd for plan B--printed out a calendar and tried to plan something for everyday. Went to extra workouts, went to have my nails done, visited with my sister. Last week, I had written down I was going to a networking group, but I was going to bail. I forced myself to go and won the door prize. Basically I forced myself to connect with people who don't know anything about my sitch and don't think I am a smuck or fool. It helped to build myself confidence. Are there things you can do with your son? Volunteer in his class or club? Take up a hobby with him? Do you have girlfriends who you can connect with? Family you can help? The world needs the love you have to give!

I understand your feelings because I have them also. This is a terrible situation that effects us all--the pain, betrayal, lack of trust and need to love and be loved. I have good days and bad days. I think this is when my trust in God and leaning on family and friends comes to my rescue. In the past weeks because I have gone dark....I am beginning to remember ME. The part of me that was confident, happy and had self-esteem...away from moodiness, ridicule, and as Ark put it, the chaos. In a wierd way, I am beginning to love me again which means I am getting back my self-respect. I guess some would say it has to start there.

I have been trying not to define myself wholely by the relationship. It is easy for me to fall into that trap...I have had it happen before that when another one of my relationships fell apart, my whole world crashed. I learned from that, to have more happening for me than just my relationship.

You will feel better when you are safe, go dark in Plan B and start to plan some activities for you. Stay strong and keep posting!

Thanks SS. You know, I really have been working on "me" for a long time. I'm finally feeling good about myself...I don't feel needy anymore. I'm confident and strong...just lonely and wanting to love and be loved.

I do a lot for myself now....I run every day, I do independent Bible studies, and am currently in a prayer and life workshop.

Last weekend my S and I went to a friend's lake house and had a great time. On Wed., S has 2 days off of school, so we are going to San Antonio...it will be fun. My S and I have been having a blast together...we're very close.

So, I think I'm on the right track with myself and caring for my S. I'm just lonely as heck. Its not that I don't have a lot of friends and family, I do...but I am such an affectionate person and I feel like for over a year my EN for affection is bone dry...not only to receive it, but give it. And whenever I see a couple together, I long for that closeness...from my H...but that is so unrealistic that I'm just longing for it period.

Anyway, I just don't know what to do about these feelings. Its starting to weigh me down.

{{{nid}}}

You know what you do with those feelings. You just let yourself mourn and you feel them. We lose more than just our WS when they turn and leave us. We lose many precious dreams as well, things are uncertain, to say the least. I remember my own panic,I can still conjur up the feeling of panic if I let myself remember too vividly, even today, 5 years into a solid wonderful recovery. So let yourself feel the loss. Your feelings are so normal. Please don't give way to those feelings of straying yourself, it will only make a bad situation worse and it will destroy your very good chances of recovery.

I'm praying for you nid. Hang in there. Give H a chance to feel the panic for a change. You'll see it, if you just stay dark, you'll see it.

Hi WGUY, How is it going? Did you brother-in-law get a chance to change the locks yet? Hope you are doing okay. Just thought I would drop you a line. Have a good weekend.

SS