I usually post on EN and lurk over here. I guess by the time I found MB, dh's EA was what I figured old, and wasn't the source of our problems..
Here is what I am facing now... I just copied this over from the EN board, though I might get some input here also.
51 of them to be exact all on dhs cell phone. Most were only for a minute here and there, but there were a few for a tad bit longer. He says he has no idea who it is, doesn't recognize the phone number. I called the number it was that of a female. I called back a little later and an older gentleman answered the phone. I asked who the number belonged to, he wouldn't answer, said he has no idea about dh's cell phone number. I asked if he maybe had a daughter or something, he wouldn't answer, I asked about the answering machine he wouldn't answer. Not that I expected him to.
51 calls, some went out the same night I caught him opening a new e-mail account. That night is explanation for the email was to email with Penny and our mentor without me reading. Said there were things he wanted to discuss with them and I would just argue with him about it. Dh says why would I spend all this money to work with Penny if I'm going to mess around.
Most of the calls were outgoing, some incoming. He had been receiving strange phone calls asking for someone else, around this time frame, but most of these calls were outgoing.
Some of them early in the morning, the time he would be driving to work, a lot late at night, some even during the time he would be driving home.
I went in to him and calmly told him if he for some reason started talking to someone, please be honest with me so we can work it out with Penny. He said he hadn't been. I againg (I know not good) said if you have been, please tell me, we can get through it if you are honest. He said I 've been talking to someone. I asked who, he said I'm lying I haven't been, but you aren't going to believe me anyway.
I am really trying not to react right now until I talk to P.
Could they be text messages that he is deleting? You might try switchboard.com to to look up the name for that number. Sometimes it works. Also it might be a signal from someone else. Sorry I am being all negative just my BS side talking. Hope it's nothing but it doesn't sound good. Your H should not be keeping things private from you. And IMHO getting serious about the IC or MC with Penny is just an excuse for the email account.
Wish you the best and take care.
51 phone calls from the same number and your husband doesn't know who/what they are? No matter what these numbers are, you are certainly no over-reacting and if your husband is not taking your concern seriously, that raises a second red-flag to me.
Suppose you give him the benefit of the doubt. I think that a change of number is in order. After all..51 times is a LOT of unexplainable calls from the same number. They're eating up your minutes!!!
I would not give the benefit of the doubt here, but I am not in your situation. Sometimes I feel a bit jaded when it comes to the "looks like a duck, quacks like a duck".
Since you're going to talk to Penny about it, maybe you COULD just put in on the backburner until then. If your husband is telling the truth, you're not going to get anywhere with him anyway..no explanation is going to satisfy you. If he's not telling the truth, he's not going to now.
I'm glad you have Penny to talk and guide you.
Go to Google.com and type in the phone number. If it is a listed number it will give you the name and address. Maybe that will trigger WH's memory.
Thank you for the responses.
Shmaley~ My phonebill tells how many text messages have been sent and received on his phone, it doesn't mesh with the number of phone calls.
I agree with you about the e-mail account. I think he got caught so he had a "good story". He has already had one EA, lots of porn use, and lots of unexplainable events.
I tried the site you gave me, no luck. It took me to a paid site. My dad is a PI he is trying to find info on the number for me. Although, he said that it is really hit and miss with just a phone number. Not sure what I would do with the info anyways.
Maddy~ It wouldn't do any good to change the number. The majority of the calls are outgoing from his cell. If I put all the information together with the timeline, it doesn't look good at all. Now I'm running the risk of my dh reading here and finding out what I knw..uggg I"m not very bright.
Kloe no luck at google thanks though
just got this email from dh
CALLED NEXTEL . THEY SAID IT COULD BE BATCHING... I AM WILL TO CHANGE THE NUMBER IF YOU WANT ME TO..... JUST SAY THE WORD... I REALLY AM WORKING TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE BETTER THAN WHAT IT WAS. I KNOW THAT YOU REALLY DO KNOW WHAT TO THINK BUT I AM WILL TO WORK ON IT WITH YOU. CALL ME ON MY CELL
anyone know anything about this?
It's amazing how they will lie, lie and lie some more with the proof right there in their face.
This is a HUGE RED FLAG and I can't believe that he expects you to believe that he doesn't know the #, especially of the #'s that have been dialed out.
Let me guess.....he has an imaginary friend that is calling his imaginary GF.
I went through this with my H very early into one of our false recoveries. My H did the same thing.......for about 2 hours...till he just couldn't deny it anymore, with me having the proof right there in his face. The calls had already ended about 3 weeks before I found out.....but that wasn't the point.
Needless to say.......the cell phone was cancelled that day.
Why are you worried about your H finding out what you know? You are only trying to protect yourself.
Maybe worried isn't the right word. I am on here working through everything, putting my ducks in a row per say. If he comes and reads before I can completely confront him, he has had time to come up with excuses or reasoning behind the information.
What sort of excuse or reasoning is there for that # dialed OUT of his cell phone that many times.
I can't think of 1 that would lead me to believe that it had something to do with "batching" or whatever he said that Nextel said unless I had proof.....and yes....I would either call myself....or ask him for the proof.
The only way for his phone to show that many calls dialed out.....is if he dialed them out. If they were "batched"....then they would simply say....duplicate wouldn't they?
This is what his explanation from Nextel is... Now mind you, I'm don't necessarily believe this, just putting it out there to work through it.
"She said just because you see the number on your bill does not always mean you made the call. That is why it is a good idea to review your bill monthly"
"THEY WILL REVIEW THE ACCOUNT FOR THE NEXT MONTH TO SEE IF ANYONE CALLS THAT NUMBER AGAIN. IF NOT SHE SAID THE IT COULD BE BATCHING( WHEN CALLS APPEAR ON YOUR PHONE BILL THAT WERE NOT MADE FROM YOUR PHONE). SHE ALSO SAID THAT SOMEONE COULD HAVE A SIMILAR NUMBER ,AND THE NUMBERS GOT MIXED UP."
I think he is trying to take me away from the problem at hand, and get me focusing on how we could possibly be charged for calls we didnt'make.
I did find out the number is a local number through a CLEC. Which is a local competitive carrier.
neverenough...did YOU call Nextel to see if this is possible or is this explanation all from your husband?
It would be easy enough to call them with the hypothetical question...
I don't get it....and I don't believe it.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She said just because you see the number on your bill does not always mean you made the call. That is why it is a good idea to review your bill monthly"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a good one. I'll have to remember this one.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"THEY WILL REVIEW THE ACCOUNT FOR THE NEXT MONTH TO SEE IF ANYONE CALLS THAT NUMBER AGAIN. IF NOT SHE SAID THE IT COULD BE BATCHING( WHEN CALLS APPEAR ON YOUR PHONE BILL THAT WERE NOT MADE FROM YOUR PHONE). SHE ALSO SAID THAT SOMEONE COULD HAVE A SIMILAR NUMBER ,AND THE NUMBERS GOT MIXED UP."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So in other words.....someone with a similar cell phone # as you H's made these calls and they were charged to your H's account?
I find that HIGHLY unlikely.
It's ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE for someone elses calls to show up on your H's phone.
If your being charged for calls that weren't made from your H's phone.....they wouldn't show up as dialed on your H's phone.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think he is trying to take me away from the problem at hand, and get me focusing on how we could possibly be charged for calls we didnt'make.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you hit the nail on the head here. I think he's trying to stear you away from trying to figure out the owner of the #.
I went through this.....not with Nextel....but with a very highly recognized carrier. My H swore up and down that he never dialed the #....blah blah blah.
I went all the way to the top with my questions and was told point blank.....the # won't show up unless it was dialed. There's no way for it to appear on your bill or your phone without it being dialed.
I hope you find out otherwise......but this is just a huge red flag for me.
Just spoke with Nextel. They confirmed what I already knew, it really isn't possible. She pointed out that Nextel has one of the highest security rating, that's why so many gov't agencies use them.
She called the number, the gentleman said he did some research, and someone did call from dh's cell and that's why their were incoming calls, someone in the house was returning the call.
I really dont know where to go from here. I emailed dh told him what Nextel said.
Your H sounds like he is feeding a bunch of WS babble...... don't buy it. If he agrees to change the #, let him. Watch how long that takes.... ask for access to view the nextel account on line. Chances are if the A is happening, he will change the # and get another phone. If he is dumb enough to continue A calls on the new #, then you will find out more garbage.
Be proactive. If your H is slow in changing his cell#, moniter the calls. You and nextel have alerted the household and whatever debates or babble being said on that end, is now going on (not your business....yet). Keep a log of the info you currently have.
If needed you can report this # to the police and have them put a trace on the nextel phone or even the incoming calls phone. The owner will probably be notified that harrassment calls are coming from their phone and someone (left unnamed) has made a report. The police will let you know the details.
Thanks Orchird. I have complete access to the phone records. The nice thing is dh has a name that if pronounced incorrectly can come across as a female name. I usually call and handle all things that are in his name.
I also handle all money. He doesn't have an atm card at this time. He does have a few credit cards, that I hvae access to, meaning the bills. One of those cards involves one of the unexplainable events.
TOo much there for me to just walk away with, he didn't make the calls. I just don't know how to act towards him. I am really tired of living my life like this.
I told him I don't see how changing the number would help when these were almost all outgoing calls.
His response is now "whatever I will talk to you later"
Welp, based on your chat with the Nextel folks, sounds like he's lieing. Sorry Hon.
So, now take him up on changing the cell number and monitor those closely. Be sure to keep a keen eye out for "Phone Cards" in his wallet now as those are always a cheat's back-up plan. BTDT.
Also, be sure to tell Penny all about these latest events with your H present.
Good luck and God Bless,
So that's just it, I just let it go? Watch him and see what else he does? THe number of unexplainable events are starting to become too much for me.
I'm tired of having to play babysitter to my dh so he doesn't do anything wrong.
None of us ever signed-up to be Deputy Wife ... I do know how you feel.
You can't force anyone to do anything, including being honest. It's out of your control. You can only control what you do about it. Consequences.
That's why I deferred you to Penny since you two have already been counseling with her. She'll know what the next steps should be.
I'm sorry if I came across b*tchy. I just don't know anymore. I mean even if he was telling the truth, I justkeep thinking to myself, this shouldn't even be an issue. We shouldn't even have to worry about this crud.
I know I havent' been a great wife. Lately I have been asking for a lot of time to myself. If he had seeked someone else out to talk to, honestly would it surprise me? No.
Part of recovery does require patience. One thing in your favor is that the A can not survive indefinitely. Infidelity is always short term.
Learn to use the shortcomings of the A to your advantage. Plan A and plan smart.
You have more in your court as far as support and help than the A does. Also, the WS and OP have to continually live in fear of getting caught. Another device that has been helpful for me is 'doubt'. When a person has to live in doubt or is given doubt, they live in fear. It is hard to enjoy life anywhere for any reason while that fear hangs over their head.
With patience and in time, the BS gets the info they need. Where they are in their personal recovery at that time will determine the choices the BS will then be able to make (marital recovery or divorce).
Learn to take the lemons handed to you due to this A thing and turn them into lemonade. Sounds silly but like a lot of odd recipes, it works. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Continue your counseling. Penny and the MB gang are great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It does get better.
Oh yea, learning to fog babble doesn't hurt either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
I don't have it in me to Plan A. It takes everything I have just to make it through the day. Dh has said he would give me some time for me to work on me. Get myself where I need to be.
I don't even know if there is an A. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what is the truth, what's not. I just know I am tired of being lied to, of always questioning, of second guessing.. I am tired of it. I don't want to do this anymore. I dont' want to be nice to him, I don't want anything to do with him.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by neverenough:
<strong> Thanks Orchird.
I don't have it in me to Plan A. It takes everything I have just to make it through the day. Dh has said he would give me some time for me to work on me. Get myself where I need to be.
I don't even know if there is an A. I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what is the truth, what's not. I just know I am tired of being lied to, of always questioning, of second guessing.. I am tired of it. I don't want to do this anymore. I dont' want to be nice to him, I don't want anything to do with him. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">U seriously need to work on you. I strongly urge you to work with Penny. Steve is great also. His insight along with Penny and Jennifer is priceless.
Why continue down the path of the unknown, when you c/b in recovery? I recall my dark days when I felt like I was in a very dark room with obstacles all around me. Hanging from the ceiling were sharp square objects, protruding from the walls were 3 dimensional figures and from the floor sprang odd shaped obstacles. All the while I had to keep moving, carrying with me my most prized posession, my child. That was all I could carry. Stopping meant losing my life so I cotinued to struggle through the darkness. No light showed anywhere, it was a dark time. With persistence and a bit of stubborness, I found the light that helped me in turn find the will to survive. Is it dramatic? Yes because it was a dramatic time. That is how I felt not that long ago. Yet it felt like a looong time ago.
Get back into counseling. Pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. Get your mind and heart in sync. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
We are continuing with Penny, we worth with her just about once a week.
I don't understand how we can be in recovery if I can never get the truth out of him. I still haven't forgiven him for the first EA. I just don't see how it is possible. THank you for taking the time to post to me.
I don't think I can get my mind and heart in sync. From day one my mind is saying it's never going to change leave now... Especially before dd5 becomes even more attached. Hit the door running.. I stay only because I don't want to admit I failed.
Listen carefully..... work on your personal recovery 1st. To have marital recovery requires effort from you and your H. Right now you can only control your actions. Strengthen that and you have a chance.
Now as a non-professional but as a survivor of the A junk, I can tell you that you have a very negative attitude that will hinder your personal recovery and hurt even your children. How willing are you to fix that piece? If you put sincere and concentrated effort, you will find amazing results.
Oh yes my negative attitude. I've been dealing with this for some time now. It's no secret. I have been fighitng off severe depression for at least 2 years now. It effects my children greatly. I have asked dh to take them and let me be.. That's how bad it is, I don't even want to be around my own kids. This is what I meant when dh said he would give me time to work on me, getting past this.
Now he sent an email
"FINE I HATE MY JOB AND LIFE ! I WISH I COULD END IT ALL SOMETIME."
I am sorry for what you are going through.
I wanted to let you know you could find out the name and address of this phone number. There is a service available at phonebust.com. It only costs a little over twenty dollars. I used it in my own "detective" work to find out the identity of my H's OW. You will have results in less than 24 hours in most cases.
Thank you for the information. If my Dad can't find anything I will give it a try.
So, now here's the question. Dh will be home soon. How do I act? What do I say? He will be in a bad mood and mope around. Do I act like nothing is wrong? DO I ask for his help with dinner and the girls, or just do it all myself? Do I sleep in our bed tonight. Do I hug him.. Please help me out, because all I want to do is tell him to get his sh*t and get out.
Just thinking about how people react to things. Seems like you might make him stew a little bit. Have a perfectly fine evening, as best you can, and put as much as you can behind you... for tonight. But ignore the DH.
And then tomorrow CTJ? I am supposed to take the girls to see their grandma tomorrow so dh an I can spend the weekend together..
Your husband is having at least an emotional affair. So accept that, forget about the 51 phone calls on his phone that he knows nothing about.
Stay in Plan A, and wait to check with Penny.
I'm confused, I haven't been in Plan A. Not even sure I would go into Plan A. If I confirm anything it will more than likely be time for a Divorce.
Please educate me. I'm lost. I don't have it in me to Plan A the man. I can barely even get myself out of bed everyday and get my kids dressed and fed.
You have the best counselor in Penny. So sit back and don't worry about things so much.
I am absolutely sure that your WH is having an affair. I guess I have been through this stuff so long, I can smell an A a mile away.
Plan A is usually where you should be. But you must do what Penny says to do.
If you are miserable and running out of strength, you might want to consider anti-D's. They really help.
Please believe that things will get much better. When I first found out, I was a total mess. Now my days are happy, and life is good again. And my husband is still living with the other woman.
Thanks Believer. I don't talk to Penny again until Monday, so I'm a little skittish about what to do and not to do.
I can't do anti-d's. But thanks for the suggestion.
I really don't know what to believe anymore. I've been through one EA. I'm so tired of living like this.
Sweetie - I have been going through this for 20 months. It will get better for you, I promise. You will get through this, but it is very hard.
Keep posting and venting here, lean on us, we will help you.
I know believer, I have followed your story.
I am so angry but I want him to come hug me and tell me everything will be ok. Even if he did it, I want him to tell me his sorry and to protect me. I just want a husband who loves me and will care for me. I've been hurt enough in life, why do I have to have a husband who hurts me also....