Marriage Builders
Posted By: believer believer's ultimatum - 09/25/04 07:32 PM
Sheesh, we must be due for a full moon. You all know my story of the last 20 months. Or most of you do.

WH has continued living with OW, denying it, and telling me he is "too busy" to attend to separation agreement or financial matters. He does not work, and just continues to blow money.

He tells me he loves me, is mixed up, didn't mean for this to happen, is lost, blah, blah, blah.

I have come to the point where I don't want him back and would like to get this done. I have D papers but cannot serve him, because he and OW are hiding out somewhere.

I talked to him 3 weeks ago, and told him I need to get this over. He called me last week and asked me to please wait until he can "get himself together."

Well today I left a message on his cell phone. I told him that I hate to be a *****, but this is not working for me anymore. I told him that I am tired of this and I know he is too. Let him know that I was hoping to avoid a divorce, but looks like it is going to happen.

I gave him an ultimatum. I told him if I do not have signed papers by Monday, that I will procede with a divorce. I know that we are not supposed to give ultimatums, but I am now at that point.

So if I don't have the papers in hand by Monday, I am going to publish the D information in the paper. I am tired of trying to chase him down, tired of his excuses.

I feel really good about finally taking a stand. This has gone on too long. He can explain his problems to someone else.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/25/04 07:47 PM
I think that what WH told you ....

He tells me he loves me, is mixed up, didn't mean for this to happen, is lost, blah, blah, blah.

is probably true.... he is telling you the truth....

but, so what?

What good does any of THAT crap do you?

none whatsoever.

What kind of a husband do you want returning to you Believer? Certainly not anyone as screwy as he is currently...

and the sad part is...

he is doing nothing to remedy his unhappy situation...

he truely is lost.... lost to you, and certainly lost to himself...

You are more attractive to him than ever... which makes him nervous...

Do what is best for your sanity at this time...

Pep
Posted By: Octobergirl Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/25/04 07:48 PM
Hi B,

You're doing great.There does come a time when you have to stop the madness.Unfortunately it has to be us sometimes.

I had my first Mediator session last Wednesday with WH.It was pure sadness.I quietly cried through the entire 2.5 hours it took to get the preliminary information down and papers filled out.I just couldn't believe I was there,after 20 years with my WH,it all came down to this.

At the end,I cried and told my WH that I couldn't believe he was doing this to our family and I quickly left the building...alone.I thought I would be stronger during the whole thing,realizing that it had to be this way since my WH also was not making any moves toward a reconciliation.But it's still very hard.I hope you fair better than I do when it comes down to the bitter end.

O
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/25/04 08:08 PM
Pep - You are right, time to save myself.

OGirl -

I am doing very well. I am not sad anymore, not angry. I have done my best. This has been going on too long. I have paid money for 2 lawyers to work this out.

I have suggested mediation and WH didn't show twice. I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I offered him very, very good terms for a settlement. He needs my insurance, and I told him if he would cooperate, I would not divorce him. Makes no difference to me. I don't plan to remarry.

He also needs my social security. He has worked and retired from a a government job. So he never put in the necessary social security quarters.

I have put too much into the marriage. We have no bills, WH has a new Harley, and several old ones. I am only asking for our mobile home, which we paid only $4,000. for, 2 years ago.

WH has retired and spent his $25,000. bonus on the OW. If I file for divorce, he is going to lose. I will get half of his bonus, half of his pension, half of the motorcycles, and might get the house I live in, since he hasn't paid anything towards it.

So I have been very, very patient. I think he thinks that he can continue on forever like this. But I am done.
Posted By: hopefulinnc Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/25/04 10:52 PM
Believer-what a remarkable woman you are. I would feel proud to have a woman as string as you. Keep up the good work. Take care of yourself. You truly are a great woman.
Posted By: Thos Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 12:13 AM
Believer,

I second HINC. You are wonderful.

I’m taking a break from grinding a stump in the back yard. Was a 100-year-old Douglas Fir, four-foot diameter at the base. Feel bad about losing it, but it was falling on the house. Anyway, I’m getting too old for this.

Just a thought. Does your H suffer from depression? Early stages of Alzheimer’s maybe? It sounds to me like he is way beyond fog. More like physiological problems.

OW would be smart to take him to a doc, IMO. No different than getting a mechanic to check out a used car before buying, hee hee.

T

PS: I’m saving for a bike. Want a Harley, but need to save a lot more first.
Posted By: Just J Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 02:04 AM
Believer, you're one amazing woman. Keep up the good work.
Posted By: Shul Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 02:08 AM
Believer,


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He tells me he loves me, is mixed up, didn't mean for this to happen, is lost </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds sincere. Maybe he has come to his senses. Maybe he wants to come home.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">...blah, blah, blah. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't believe him? Or you don't care...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He called me last week and asked me to please wait until he can "get himself together."
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants time.

If you don't plan to remarry, whats the rush?
Waht have you got to lose by giving him time?


What is this really about, Believer?


Shul
Posted By: star*fish Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 02:41 AM
believer chere,

NOT giving ultimatims is when you're trying to save your marriage. You can give all the ultimatims you want when you're trying to get divorced! And really....this isn't an ultimatim...it's a BOUNDARY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 03:06 AM
One thing I have learned recovering in my A,through MB and through a wonderful FBW, is "words followed by actions." I am going to be believer's MB lawyer, now. She's a wondeful gal, can obviously fend and defend herself, but I'm prepared to step on her toes so she can relax and enjoy life once and for all...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shul:
This sounds sincere. Maybe he has come to his senses. Maybe he wants to come home.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I bet (oh, I can't bet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )...I would guarantee: You bet his sweet a$$ he wants to come home! Look at the woman believer has become! "Sounds and senses" need to be followed up with actions and truth.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't believe him? Or you don't care...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Although my client is taking the fifth on this one, I must say: SHE DOESN'T CARE WHAT HE DOES. Sure, if he died tommorrow, I'm sure she would attend the funeral.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants time.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Oh, I'm sorry, Pat, but you just didn't ring that buzzer in quick enough. You had the correct answer, but just rang in too late. Sorry. Thanks for playing, though!"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you don't plan to remarry, whats the rush? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm sorry for the frankness, but my client didn't know there was a timeframe for the mental abuse and bullsh1t she's had to go through for the past 20 months. My client is in a better place now and no longer needs Mr. Believer. Until the demands are met--that have been expressed very explicitly over these months--there will be ABSOLUTELY NO THOUGHT of even one ioat chance of delaying the inecitable of what Mr. Believer has clearly stated in his actions: he does not want to be in this M and has shown this over the past 20 months.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Waht have you got to lose by giving him time?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dignity, self-preservation, everything believer believes in. I am at a loss of words for your client's realization that this "all" may have been a real, big mistake on his part.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What is this really about, Believer?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will reserve the right for my client to answer for herself. I, personally, have no comment, if you haven't followed the pain, suffering, trails and tribualtions, and growth my client has gone through.
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 03:12 AM
PS...You go, girl! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

(Did I just say that?!?! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:30 AM
Thos -

Yes, WH is was depressed. I begged him to go to the doctor 2 years ago. OW is 16 years younger than me, and very good looking. I guess that got WH over his depression! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

LINY - Do you ever post on the Jelly thread? There are lots of funny people there.
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:36 AM
Thos -

We (or should I say WH) have a 2003 RoadKing, a 1973 shovehead, a Groundpounder, 1965 Triumph, and 2 dirtbikes.

I'm trying to be cool about this because my husband used to be a good man. But if I end up having to get a D, I'm going to try to get some of the bikes. Then I'm giving one to the OW's husband.

He says that would be a great trade, his wife for a Harley. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Posted By: lordslady Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:37 AM
Believer,

OW may be attractive on the surface, but I'll bet it's very, VERY shallow!!

You are a beautiful woman through and through! You inspire me.

LINY, I think I wish you were MY attorney! Mine, while smart, has NO SENSE OF HUMOR or personality. (Perhaps I have to pay extra for that? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

LL
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:39 AM
Uh-oh. Please, believer, tell me I did not insult you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Furthest intention of mine! I just didn't know where Shul was coming from.

About Jelly...I have NOT read the thread. Mainly because I like reading a thread from beginning to end to get the jist of what's going on...My goodness! I'd be there forever!

Again, sorry about the response. Didn't mean to respond for you in a bad way! (You know, I only have the utmost respect and admiration for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: LINY ]</small>
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:45 AM
LINY -

Check out the thread. You don't have to read the whole thing. It is just a bunch of idiots living in idiotville. Robby is the mayor, and I am the warden.

It is funny and uplifting. Right now we are all trying for the 3,000th post. The thread has had a couple of close calls, of being shut down by the mods. But it is just stupid, fun stuff.
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:48 AM
LL...I really haven't posted to you before...Always felt like I wanted to, but really don't know what to say. Followed your story, and just can't find words to give you comfort for the things SM (since you are "lordslady", may be appropriate for him to be "satansman") is doing.

About the lawyer fee? My fee is very reasonable: free, as long as you find comfort and happiness in the rest of your human journey!

Keep your head up and the trust in Him continuing!
Posted By: KiwiJ Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:48 AM
LINY, if you tried to read our Jelly thread from start to finish there'd be men in white coats coming for you before you were half way through it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now I'll speak on behalf of Believer. I don't think she's insulted at all.

Believer, we love yah.

Jen

<small>[ September 25, 2004, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: KiwiJ ]</small>
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:54 AM
I'm not insulted at all. Jen - why don't you and LINY continue this thread. Have to get back to the other one.
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 04:54 AM
kiwi...sounds like my kinda thread!

I like all of the cliches about humour...!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Posted By: KiwiJ Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:01 AM
LINY, you write "humour" the English way.

'fess up. How English are you?
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:08 AM
Out of the FOG...COMPLETELY!

(kiwi 1 LINY 1)
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:11 AM
(Actually, had a teacher in my freshman year of HS who I became very fond of and greatly respected--he was English. Even put the dashes in my "7"s and "z"s!--I am actually very IRISH. Who wuda thunk it?)
Posted By: Thos Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:18 AM
::He says that would be a great trade, his wife for a Harley.

I love it. 'course, he would still owe you something on the deal...

I've got my heart set on a used softail.
Posted By: KiwiJ Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:19 AM
Yup, fog clearance is cool.

I think I knew you had an Irish background. We (over a certain age) say "zed" instead of "zee" (for Z) but I've noticed our kids are all saying "zee". You have NO idea how much American culture influences us down here "down under".

Jen
Posted By: LINY Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:23 AM
You mean, a house made of concrete, rather than mud? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

(Couldn't resist! G'nite!)
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:23 AM
Thos - No it would be a gift. I feel worse for OW's husband than I do for me. He was defending our country in Iraq when the A started. He came back to no wife, no job, and has a 12 year old daughter that his wife has abandoned.
Posted By: Thos Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:27 AM
Believer,

Sorry, no disrespect to OW's H intended. What I meant was a used Harley sounds like it's worth a lot more, and more dependable, than her.
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 05:33 AM
Thos - You got that right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Posted By: graycloud Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 06:25 AM
Hi Believer,

FWIW I think you're doing the right thing.

I feel sorry for your WH. He's written some things to you that suggest he thinks you haven't given him a fair chance. I remember something that sounded like he didn't even grasp the basic fact that he needed to abandon his A to have a relationship with you.

But how can he not know what the right thing to do is? I guess when something goes on for this long, the perspective is just so drastically changed...

Anyway, bless your great big heart. Night,

GC
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 02:23 PM
Thanks for all the input everyone. I know my husband so well that I can predict what his next move will be.

He will do nothing this weekend when he could come over and get all of this done. Then Monday, the deadline, he will call me at work, and give me another line of BS.
Posted By: Shul Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 03:06 PM
Believer,

You have been a great encouragement to so many people here.

You listen and you care.

I know you are hurt and discouraged and frustrated, and I think maybe it is your turn for some encouragement.

As I understand it, you never did get a chance to plan A. You husband left and you went straight to plan B.

Kind of giving up without a fight, as I see it.

Maybe this is a time for you to begin to do plan A. To open the doors to communicate with him, to listen and understand and be conciliatory, to meet him where he is .

I hear so much anger toward him in your posts.

One of the MB tenets that I agree with is the need to forgive our spouses.
And I wonder if you have really forgiven him from the heart.

It is a starting place.

It may be that he is unhappy and wants to be with you but needs help to extricate himself from the affair, as I have heard from other WS can be difficult.

Maybe he needs to hear that you care about him, want him and are open to starting over.

You said you don't need him anymore. Good.

I don't 'need' my husband either. I am depending on God to meet my needs.

Which is what frees us to choose to love them, expecting nothing in return.

And maybe he needs you to love him...

Plan A.

Shul

(Feel free to tell me off if you want. Whatever you may think, I am on your side. Both your sides.)
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/26/04 03:33 PM
Shul -

I am always quite friendly when I talk to husband. My big problem now is the financial thing. It's killing me.

I have two sons in college that are also working. But I still have to contribute to their household, plus take care of all the bills for the one I am living in.

I started a business, work full-time, and took in a roommate. Still I live from paycheck to paycheck.

WH still is in his little fantasy world blowing money, not working, not doing anything.

The thing is I don't want him back. I hope he has a nice life, but that is it. It is time for a divorce or financial settlement. At this point I don't care which one.
Posted By: Shul Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/27/04 05:28 AM
{{{Believer}}} ,

I hear you about the money thing.

And it isn't fair.

I struggled with this too, until I decided to forgive him and to take on the debts. I think of it as an act of love.

For me its a case of 'seeking first'...and trusting God to supply.

I think my H is surprised that I haven't demanded money from him. One day he will be back in his right mind, so I have been doing my best to keep from losing everything he worked so hard for all these years. He also has seen that God has provided- it has been a witness to Gods faithfulness.

Anyway, I hope you can find a way to reach an amicable agreement in this.

I guess what I want to say is even though you feel this way right now, your feelings toward him might change, and not to act in anger.

Shul
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 12:36 AM
Well folks, I was wrong. I thought my WH would go by past actions, and not come over to deal with this on the weekend. I thought he would call me at work, and give me another line.

However he completely ignored the ultimatum. So now I have to continue on, take off work tomorrow and post the D in the paper. It is irritating to me because I have already spent money on 2 attorneys, seperation agreements, mediation agreements and on and on.

Now since my 56 year old husband wants to hide out, it is going to cost more money. I have no address for him, and no way to contact him except by cell phone, which he never answers.

He would come out much better financially to sign the agreement, because I am asking for very little. But I think he wants me to divorce him so that he can tell everyone that it was not his fault. So be it.
Posted By: What AmIDoing? Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 12:55 AM
Hi Believer

Just getting back on the boards since I went to Plan B yesterday (yeah!!!).

He is a classic cake-eating conflict avoider who has trashed your life. How could he tell anyone the D was your fault??? Oh, the absolute thickness of his fog just plain pisses me off!

How could he lose such an awesome chick such as yourself?

Some states consider D expenses a part of the M debt, which means he has to cough up half even if he doesn't show. Those bikes are M property, and will be divided.

When you finally rid yourself of him, can you post a new pic of you and a new hottie on one of your bikes?
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 01:02 AM
WAID -

Yep will send picture. But sheesh, I don't even know how to drive one of those bikes. Maybe I need to take a class!
Posted By: What AmIDoing? Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 01:27 AM
Make sure your new hottie friend teaches you!
(((((Believer))))))
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 01:58 AM
WAID - I'm not gonna count my chickens before they hatch, but feel like I will do much better than I am doing financially now.
Posted By: What AmIDoing? Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 02:03 AM
Cool... you know I'm just trying to cheer you up with the new man stuff, right? You will need to heal yourself first, of course. You've been on the D boards and hear the stories. YUCK! The real dating world will be a pain in the [censored]!

Question for you, too...how long does it take to do the D via the paper? I've heard about this, kinda weird, huh? It just proves AGAIN that he is an utter foghead.
Posted By: New Outlook Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 03:25 PM
Hi Believer... I haven't posted here for quite awhile but just read through this thread felt the need to respond... for starters wanted to say...when I first joined this forum..you were my mentor... you showed us your strength and that with time one can get back on their feet.. for that I want to thank you so much..in that time I have taken two Divorce Care courses, gone to councelling and taken a boundaries Course...your story and mine are so similiar hon...long term marriages... a WS who wants to fence sit and sees nothing wrong with it... many friends swear he has a brain tumor <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... this man had it all including the Harleys <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> a beautiful family that looked up to him and he still continued on his self destuctive path.. during that time I tried to reconcile at least four times with WS still continuing on his self destructive path...I tried to help him...son tried to help him...but the bottom line is this...unless they want to help themselves there is nothing anyone can say or do for these lost souls...fast forward to the last two weeks... I have lived alone since Oct/2003... got back on my feet...looked after the maintenance and repairs on a very large home by myself...very lonely at the best of times but I did it...during that time while friends of mine in the same situation were dating... I refused to even though there have been many opportunities... have been told I am a very attractive woman much like you hon...I did this because I wanted to be able to look in my sons eyes and see respect in return...then without even looking a man came into my life... I like you have tried to get a legal separtion with WS pulling every trick in the book with stall tactics..this has been going on and I suspect WS would continue this way for years if I allowed it to continue... this new man treats me like a queen to say the least..really opened my eyes to the way a woman should be treated in a healthy relationship...all the important things respect, trust, kindness consideration...all the things I have not had before...before I even went on a date with this man I talked to my son..you see he is the most important thing in my life and I wanted his understanding... my son has been with me every step of the way... he saw me on the floor Believer, he watched as the weight fell off me..he saw every time I got kicked in the gut by WS like a dog by his lies, deceit every time I tried to take him back and he saw my hurt and lonliness every time my son looked in my eyes...my son gave me the fatherly talk...be careful, and his bottom line was if this new person hurts you he will have to answer to me..who could ask for a better son...he understood and just wants me to try to find some happiness after a year of hell...after a year alone you find that you know you can make it with or without someone in your life...and like your situation WS sees the new strength and confidence in me...he has also heard I am seeing someone else and he is livid...funny how this happens...they expect you to put your life on hold until they decide when they want to come back but you see WS has had mutiple A's and for me I could never trust him again...the last time I took him back we lasted only two weeks until he was back in contact with OW...the hell I put myself, my son and his family , my elderly mother through during this time was unbearable... my mother made me promise not to ever do that again as she wathcd me night after night lay on the couch so upset watching TV...not even seeing or hearing it...it is tough for a parent to watch her child go through something like this..presently after waiting for a month to receive a proposal for the asset splitting..I think I am almost there...WS contacted me last week to finally come to remove the last of his things...you see the boundaries course for me is what gives me strength...I have forced no contact...my WS hates this but to keep my sanity I do this...he came to the house a few days ago for the first time in a long time...I had all his things packed in the foyer...he entered and cried like a baby during the whole process.. I even helped him load his things on the truck...I had years of family albums piled on the coffee table... 30 years...pictures of happier times...you see Ws has told every one he has not been happy for 30 years... go figure...took him thirty years to figure this out...he goes down to the livingroom where I have still a couple of pictures of he and I ...he ask why do you still have them...I shrug...he starts sobbing...I ask why he is doing this...he states I still love you...I look him in the eye and say ..who are you with...you see the day before I was parked at a long strip mall...at the very far end...as I was about to enter the shop I see out of the corner of my eye WS car parked at the other end...this car used to be mine to drive...now he and OW are driving it...the first time I saw OW in my car it just about killed me...now I am just resigned to everything...I decide to get in and out of shop and get out of there quickly ... WS has two options to exit...one close to where I am parked and one close to where he is parked...As I return to my vehicle I see he is pulling out and heading towards me...I get in my vehicle and start it...he pulls in front with OW with him...slows down and waves like we are best friends..I just stare at him as if he is nuts...he slowly drives away... you see he still cares and by the look on the face of the OW she is livid that he has done this...when he told me he loved me at the house I stated you had a year like I to get rid of any garbage in your life...live alone like I did and get your life back on track...you did not do any of this...I told him he deserved better than what he was with and he stated he knew and he wanted me...I stated that was not going to happen with the way you are now...I told him if he had made a conscious effort for the past year to change I would have taken a second look but he had not...I am too smart now to know that there is no chance of reconciliation until he changes drastically...and quite honestly feel that will never happen..so Believer and so sorry this is so long..the moral of the story is this...look out for you...get off the rollercoaster...you and I both know we have done everything humanly possible to repair our marriages but there comes a point and time where you have to get on with your life and girl I am doing it and hope that you do the same...listen to the advise of these wonderful folks here...does it hurt to put closure to a thirty year marriage..you bet but closure is necessary to go on with life...my thoughts and prayers are with you...

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 04:13 PM
New Outlook -

I am really over WH. But I sure would like to get things settled. It is so silly for a grown man to be hiding from his wife. It is even creepy to me.

It will be harder to do it without his cooperation, but that is the choice he made.

I'm so glad things are going well for you. You deserve some happiness.
Posted By: graycloud Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 04:35 PM
Hi believer,

So he has kept his head buried, and I assume you're going to do some legal stuff this week, since yesterday was some kind of deadline. Is that right?

GC
Posted By: New Outlook Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 04:40 PM
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> New Outlook -

I am really over WH. But I sure would like to get things settled. It is so silly for a grown man to be hiding from his wife. It is even creepy to me.

It will be harder to do it without his cooperation, but that is the choice he made.

I'm so glad things are going well for you. You deserve some happiness.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer..in our situation our WS's hide because they cannot face the guilt of what they have destroyed...instead of looking inward and dealing with their demons they continue on living their double lives...in my case I feel WS is about to hit rock bottom obviously he is not happy and never will be until he looks inward.. my hope is when that happens he gets his life back on track ( I too have spent considerable amount of money on lawyers trying to get closure..not fair when you never asked for this in the first place but guess nothing is fair in life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )...and just one more word of advice...if you happen to get one of those HD's ... take the M/C safety course...get on that iron horse and have a blast...nothing more stress free than a ride on a winding road...I do this all the time..helps clear the cobwebs <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and yes if I have to say so myself we all deserve happiness in our lives <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 28, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: New Outlook ]</small>
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/28/04 04:42 PM
Yep gray. Yesterday was the deadline. I know you are not supposed to give ultimatums, but I'm done with this dragging out.

So now I have to go through all kinds of stuff to publish in the paper, wait 6 weeks, and on and on.

But I am happy, because I do see an end of this now.
Posted By: lostnhurt Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/30/04 03:14 PM
{{{{{{Believer}}}}}}}

I miss you so much, so many times I wanted to call you. But I didn't know what to say.

Even though I didn't post for a while, I read here everyday. It is so sad to see so many new names.

I am still fighting with myself of going to Plan B. WH is still "living" home. I meant that he was here at midnight or very early morning. B/c he has to sent S to school. I don't know whether that is Plan B, I don't see him, I don't call him either. But I felt so lonely, I miss him. I want to kick myself for keeping thinking of him. I just can't get out of this trap. How I want to be out. Now WH is involed in the boy scout. Our foyer is full of popcorns, but he is now where to be found. How long will they be here?

I heard a commercial saying" you are not living, you are just existing". I wonder that is what I am.
Posted By: believer Re: believer's ultimatum - 09/30/04 06:18 PM
LostnHurt - Oh no! I've been wanting to call you, but I thought you and WH were in recovery and doing fine. I'm so sorry to here he is still in the fog. Keep posting here. We miss you.
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