Marriage Builders
Posted By: T00MuchCoffeeMan sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 01:50 PM
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sag120167:

This is my first time. So here it goes, I hope to receive advice regarding my situation. I discoved this site last night, and have been reading it nonstop. I am a 36, I have cheated on my H and got caught 9-22-04. The OM and I were in the process of breaking off our unhealthy relationship, we had no intentions of creating a future together and realized if we continued with our addictive realtionship we were going to hurt the people we loved most in both of our lives. So yes I did and still do love my husband very much. I was extremely confused as to how I could have deep feelingsfor two men at the same time. After reading this site and the 4 parts of Affairs, I understand this situation better. I relaize now that I wasn't doing my husband a favor by ignoring his suspicions. He noticed my attraction to the OM 2 years ago. I always felt I was strong and no way would I ever get invloved in an A. Well that is what happened. I started talaking to the OM on 1-1-04 about my feelings, and our emotional attachment grew. We started having sex 4 months ago and have been together 4 times. After each time, we said this has got to stop. He was leaving town for the winter and we decided to get together to finalize our situation and see each other one last time...we got caught. My husband asked me where I was. I lied. He knew, and I realized I had to tell him. It was extremely painful and agonizing.

We are now in the process of deciding what to do. I do not want a divorce, my H is going through hell right now, and I have created it. I have messed up and plan on doing whatever it takes to rebuild a relationship with the man I love the most and prove to him that he deserves a better life with me. We plan on attending
counsiling alone and together. My H is so confused right now and is experiencing a wave of emotions. He still loves me, but he knows he did'nt deserve to be betrayed and hurt by the women he trusted the most. I am in pain too, and want to help my H cope as well. We still are very attracted to one another and are very confused, we have continued to put all the painful issues of my A out on the table...total honesty, its been very emotional. my H and I still make love throughout this process, and I wonder if that is healty to do or not? especially since he is not to sure he wants to work this out and be married to me.

He left town to try to clear his head for a few days...I respect that, and he plans to leave our home for a few months. This worries me, I know I need to give him his space, but I also feel the strong urge to be by his side every min of the day to help him cope with the terrible realization of what I have done. My questions are

1. If my husband really wants to work things out, is leaving our home for a few months going to set us back, or is it a good idea for him leave in order to reevaluate his feeling for me?

2. Is it common to still have a sexual relationship when trying to recover and go through the aftereffects of the A?

3. It took me a day or two to realize that I needed to be completely honest with my H about the affair. But is it necessary to go thru details? I think being honest about the specifics is necessary, but I feel that the detail will just trigger terrible images in his head for years to come.
Please Help!!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Posted By: Octobergirl Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 02:35 PM
Hello sag,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you and your H are dealing with Infidelity.This is a great place for information and support however,so stick with us.

First of all,do you think you could get your H to come here and post? Maybe suggest it to him at least to read? As a BS I can tell you that his world has caved in since finding out about your adultery so he will need a ton of support to get through this,especially the acute phase.Family and friends will be helpful but there's nothing like talking with people who are experiencing the same pain.

Second,I can understand your H wanting to flee but ultimately it is best to stay together and work through the problems together.Being away does not allow you to do this.Perhaps youcan talk to him about a time frame where he will return to work on the marriage if he is adamant about leaving.

To answer your other questions:

2) It is common for many couples to keep having sex and some even notice an increase in sex drive or frequency.Is it right? That is up to you both and how you feel.I knew that when I found out about my WH's A,I wanted to be really close with him and that was a way to express my love for him and for him too,briefly.You do,however,need to be sure that you are both free of any STD's so you should have been tested for any before having sex.You cannot rely on the supposed truth from an OP about this issue.Many WS's just dive in and have sex without protecting themselves.They think they can trust the OP about their health.Go figure.

3)The best option you have regarding the details about the A is to let it all out.It will definitely be painful for your WH but purge it all now,this will help to prevent any further disclosures in the future which will be even more hurtful.The whole truth and nothing but the truth,ok? You can disucss this more in depth if and when you get over to the recovery board.

So,what's the plan for now? Here is a list to start:

1) Get into counseling right away.I know you said you are planning but get going.If your H won't go just yet,go yourself.You both need professional help(pro marriage mind you),you can't just wing it on your own.

2) Get the books: SAA(Surviving an Affair)and HNHN(His Needs,Her Needs) both by Dr.Harley.Read up on all the concepts here on this site and read the posts.

3) Learn about Plan A and implement it now.Info on this is also here on this website.If you truly want your marriage to be saved,you have to start changing your behavior and plan A will help you to reconnect with your H again.Of course,Plan A will be something your H will need to do as well.This is all about trying to meet EN's(emotional needs) you both may have been lacking in the marriage.There is an EN questionnaire to take that you can both sit down together and do.

4) Take care of yourself.Make sure you are getting enough sleep,eating well and getting outside.If you are having trouble with eating,sleeping,emotional swings and functioning during the day,talk to your doctor about AD's(antidepressants).They are not for everyone but for many of us,they have helped tremendously.

5) Draft up a NC letter.This will be CRUCIAL to showing your H that you are serious about never talking to the homewrecking OM again and that your H and marriage are most important.It will also tell the OM to go and find an UNmarried woman and to leave you and your H alone.He needs to hear this LOUD AND CLEAR.

Does this help so far?

O

<small>[ September 27, 2004, 09:39 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 03:58 PM
Post Preview
I am not too familiar with posting, thanks for the advice. How do you move your topic?

I am pretty sure that I know the main cause of why I started my affair, I am trying to understand it all and hope that counseling and writing on this site will shed some light to my problem. I believe that I have had resentment issues with my husband for years but failed to fix it. I know it is an emotional issue...I felt neglected and not appreciated, and began to put up walls to protect myself from feeling hurt. I became independently responsible for my own happiness, and therefore quit depending on my husband for any emotional comfort. We still had a good marrige thou, I did give him small signs, but didn't want to be the complaining ungrateful wife. My A provided me with fun conversation...no responsibilities, no stress. The attention and affection became addictive. I felt appreciated and that made me happy. However, My H appreciated me too and also made me happy. My H started to pay more attention to me during the time of my A, and I think we realize that he was being more attentive to my needs because he suspected he was losing me. I did not respond to his affection, and regret not paying more attention to my H. I was so caught up in the A, I didn't notice how terrible I was treating my H.
I did realize that I wouldn't be as happy with the OM, and knew I had to quit the A. I know my husband catching me and confronting me about my A, was a good thing. I don't know if I ever could have had the courage to tell him about it. I know the situation I was in was not good, and he saved me form bringing further pain into my life. It was the wake up call I needed. I realize now more than ever how important my H and my family are to me. I know it sounds selfish and insane that cheating and being dishonest are what made me realize this. I always thought I had more respect and control.

[ September 27, 2004: Message edited by: sag120167 ]


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Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 04:06 PM
QUOTE]Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Welcome to marriagebuilders. You might want to post this on general questions because weekends are very slow here.

It is not a good idea to separate right now. Will your husband come here and post? There are a ton of men going through the same thing.

Have you figured out why this happened in the first place?

Sex is a good idea. Most women discontinue sex, which is not good for the marriage. </strong>[/QUOTE]
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 04:07 PM
QUOTE]Originally posted by believer:
<strong> Welcome to marriagebuilders. You might want to post this on general questions because weekends are very slow here.

It is not a good idea to separate right now. Will your husband come here and post? There are a ton of men going through the same thing.

Have you figured out why this happened in the first place?

Sex is a good idea. Most women discontinue sex, which is not good for the marriage. </strong>[/QUOTE]
Hello again sag120167:

October girl gave you some great advice. The only thing I would differ is that Plan A is no longer needed. Plan A is for the BS [betrayed spouse] to implement and it is a strategy to negotiate with the WS [wayward spouse] an end to the affair by having the BS eliminate all LB's [love busters - behaviors which destroy romantic love such as: angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, independent behavior and annoying habits], addressing the issues that made the affair possible and making a committment to satisfy the WS unmet EN [emotional needs] once the affair ends. Since the affair is over Plan A is no longer needed.

One thing you want to convey to your H is that while both of you are equally responsible for the bad state of the marriage, only you are 100% responsible for chosing to have the affair. Also tell him you want to write the OM [other man] a NC [no contact] letter, and need his input as to what to put in it, proof reading it and have him send it for you.

Here is something else that might interest you from Dr Willard Harley Jr:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should never have been trusted in the first place. I shouldn't be trusted by my wife, and I shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening. Basing a marriage on the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward preventing an affair. Being each other's favorite leisure-time companions, and not being away from each other overnight are also important safety measures. Meeting each other's most important emotional needs, avoiding Love Busters and building an integrated lifestyle, free of secret second lives, are all ways to affair-proof your marriage. With these measures in place, we end up trusting our spouses because an affair becomes almost impossible to achieve.

Another topic that I will briefly mention is obsessive thinking. Some people feel that if they stop thinking about something terrible, it will happen to them. While it's not all that common, it effects certain people known to be obsessive, where regardless of the low probability of risk, they treat some thoughts as if they were an ever-present danger. Those who compulsively wash their hands for fear of being infected by germs are an example of this type of person. The solution to their problem often lies in medication that helps them overcome obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior. There are some very effective medical remedies that a doctor trained in obsessive thinking can prescribe that often help a person rid themselves of pervasive resentment regarding an affair.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Posted By: Sadfww Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 04:20 PM
Octobergirl gave you a great response and plan of action so I won't try to add anything in that regard. I just wanted to say Welcome to you and that I'm glad you decided to post. I know this is an extremely difficult time for you and your husband and hope that you are able to work through this crisis together.
Posted By: Octobergirl Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/28/04 05:54 AM
sag,

Is the A truly over or are you not sure? Just because you got caught doesn't mean it is over nor does saying "good bye" mean it's over either.

My WH(wayward husband) said "good bye" to the homewrecker three times and we are now in the process of divorce.Obviously,his promises meant zero.

What will you do to ensure that the A is over? An NC letter is important but so is keeping all lines of cimmunication open to your H.That means,you give him all passwords,account numbers,e-mail addresses,cell phone bills,etc to him to prove you are not in contact at least as much as your are able.You do sound remorseful though.I hope it lasts.

Also,TMCM is right about Plan A.It really is designed for the BS not the WS but you should both due the EN questionnaire if you can to start learning about EN's(emotional needs) and how to each meet them for each other.Maybe when your H cools off for a bit and can come back to talk to you.

O
Posted By: Racer X Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 06:38 PM
Hope this helps:

1. If my husband really wants to work things out, is leaving our home for a few months going to set us back, or is it a good idea for him leave in order to reevaluate his feeling for me?

I am still out of our home at the request of my wife. While I do not agree this is right for us I must respect her decision. We are in recovery and committed to fixing things but it pains me very much to be away from home. I miss her sleeping next to me. Can't wait to go home.

2. Is it common to still have a sexual relationship when trying to recover and go through the aftereffects of the A?

It think this varies. I won't say we are having more sex because it was an everyday thing before discovery. But the sex is definately more passionate and fulfilling for BOTH of us. If you can fill this need for him I think you should.

3. It took me a day or two to realize that I needed to be completely honest with my H about the affair. But is it necessary to go thru details? I think being honest about the specifics is necessary, but I feel that the detail will just trigger terrible images in his head for years to come.

This is likely true but there is no way around it. Some BS's need to hear it all. You should tell all that he asks and honestly. This will be one of the most painful parts for BOTH of you.

Good luck and keep coming here!
Posted By: RAG Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 07:35 PM
TMCM is correct, Plan A is for the BS. However, on another thread, it was brought out that after discovery, if the WS wants to stay in the marriage, Plan Aing by the WS would help to reassure the BS of the WS's commitment.

Something to think about.
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 07:59 PM
Thank you so much for responding...it is such a relief to get advice and to discuss my situation.

As far as knowing that the Affair is truely over, I have no "withdrawl" symptoms, I do not want to be with the OM, and I realize my H is who I want and need in my life. I have written a NC letter, and am waiting for my H to look at it before I sent it out. I have no secret numbers or passwords, so my husband can monitor any of my conversations if he chooses. I plan on not putting myself in a situation near the OM when he returns next summer. I have promised my husband absolutely No Contact, and I beleive I can follow thru.
My H has been to a counsiling session and has more scheduled. I will go to my 1st sesion tomorrow. We will go together on Wed. I really thank you all for all the advice, it truely does help.
Just to add to the knowledge of my A, the OM had a girlfriend and was planning to get married and wanted to have a baby with her in the next year. My H found out from the girlfriend that the OM is extremely manuipulative and knows how to make women feel wanted and special. Looking back on the situation I think I was a conqust and he knew what to say and do to get my affection. The feelings were never genuine on his part, he really isn't the person I thought he was, my feelings that developed for him were for someone that isn't real! So it makes it easy to say I do not want to be anywhere near the OM.
Posted By: Octobergirl Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/27/04 08:30 PM
Sag,

I'm really glad for you.You have come to the realization of what we all know: OP are users and manipulators who do not really care about other's and are out for their own gains.Unfortunately,so many get hurt in the process.

You do sound like you will be ok with no contact and that is a HUGE part of recovery.Good for you.Now we just need to work on your H.Have you asked him to come here and read and/or post? Please encourage him.Tell him there are plenty of other guys here too so he needn't be ashamed or fearful.We can help.

O
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 09/28/04 07:57 PM
I went to my first CS today. I have to say I feel I sense of relief, I know my journey to self discovery has just started, I know I have
some soul searching to do, I know that I feel better about myself already, and telling all has lifted an intense weight off my heart. I have realized that the walls and barriers that I have put up to protect myself from feeling hurt by my husband, from feeling neglected, and not appreciated are what lead me down the wrong road.
I am 100% responsible for my decisions, I know that, but what I did'nt realize is that my coping mechanisim that I thought was saving me from feeling pain, hurt, blocking out guilt, was developed as a child. I was molested by my 18 yr old cousin from age 6-11. I was really good at
blocking out my feelings, esp. GULILT. Believe me I feel guilt, I just don't show it. I was able to put it away. Does anyone relate to this? Or have any similar experience. If so please let me know...it would really help to talk to someone who understands!
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/08/04 06:36 AM
Just updating my situation and was hoping for more advice and guidance.

We have attended MC together, it is helping me cope with understanding why I could be so irresposible and selfish...why I thought it was OK, why I justified the craziness, why I was willing to continue the maddness and risked my
marriage, my family, my life!! I am trying to understand how I could lose control, how could I have been so negligent??? I am extremely remorseful, and in deep pain. I want to melt away, my heart burns when I see the anguish, pain, the hurt in my Husbands eyes. I can't believe I could hurt The man I love the most. I do not deserve his love, but I will do everything I can to EARN his respect...one day I will be the woman he deserves. He loves me, but he is not to sure if he should stay with me.
He is 38, successful and handsome. I know his chances of finding another person is great. He is struggling with the idea that this could be a new beginning for him. He is not sure if he wants to commit on rebuliding our marriage. Are there other BH who could relate? What helped you? Are you woking on your marriage, or did you leave? We have our good days...we experience strong intimacey,the sex is the best ever, we connect on such a powerful deep level, we laugh, we need each other. And then there are those horrible draining days when my BH can't stand to look or talk to me, but he still wants me around. I am so sorry for these days they are my fault, I have brought this burden into our relationship...I tell him how terrible I feel, how much I regret what I did, and I will do anything he wants...I don't know what to do or say that could help?

I Love my Husband.

Any advice would help, Thanks.
Posted By: Suzet* Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/08/04 10:00 AM
Sag120167,

Welcome to MB, sorry you find it necessary to be here though. You really sound like a sincere and truly repentant & remorseful person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> That alone will go miles towards the recovery of your M and the recovery of your H. Do anything you can to show your H how repentant & remorseful you are and that you are willing to make amends in your M. Don’t hide your feelings of guilt and shame about this Afrom your H… Talk to him about him and let him know how you feel. Keep the communication channels open between you and H and be open & honest with him about your feelings & emotions.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I am 100% responsible for my decisions, I know that, but what I did'nt realize is that my coping mechanisim that I thought was saving me from feeling pain, hurt, blocking out guilt, was developed as a child. I was molested by my 18 yr old cousin from age 6-11. I was really good at blocking out my feelings, esp. GULILT. Believe me I feel guilt, I just don't show it. I was able to put it away. Does anyone relate to this? Or have any similar experience. If so please let me know...it would really help to talk to someone who understands!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sag, I had similar experience as a child (you can read more about it on the thread in the underneath link) and you’re welcome to talk to me any time you want. Have you ever receive any IC for this? IC is extremely important for any type of child abuse but especially sexual abuse – it is an absolute must. Often sexual abuse also goes hand in hand with emotional abuse and often, sexual abuse is responsible for many psychiatric disorders (depression, anxiety etc.) in adults. Sag, please read this thread: For Sexual abuse survivors who are WS?. This thread also contains many links I’ve posted on sexual abuse which will be helpful for you to read. You an also post on this existing thread if you want to.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>3. It took me a day or two to realize that I needed to be completely honest with my H about the affair. But is it necessary to go thru details? I think being honest about the specifics is necessary, but I feel that the detail will just trigger terrible images in his head for years to come.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sag, this is a fair question… Please read the following reply I once received from a BH (ForeverHers) regarding this. It will give you some insight:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The affair was about the WS and they were in control. Recovery is about the BS, primarily, and they are in control. I understand and am somewhat jealous of your desire to reveal all and your commitment to Openness and Honesty. That alone will go miles towards recovering and healing your marriage. But don't let guilt and fear dominate you or make you think that you must "spill your guts" about everything. It is the BS who has the "right" to decide how much and what type of information that they want. If they ask, then provide the information. If they don't, they are working out recovery in their minds to the best of their ability and have decided that too much information would do more damage that it is worth. They are focusing on TODAY, and accepting that "bad things" happened in the past that cannot be changed and do not want "memories" to haunt them about things that cannot be changed.

Further, with forgiveness among Christians, is the attempt to emulate God in His forgiveness. We are to not dwell on the sin of whatever has been forgiven. We are to view, as much as it is possible for mere humans, to treat the person and see the person that we have forgiven as "cleansed and white as snow." We are to, as much as possible, put the sin so far away in our thoughts that it is "as if" it never occurred.

This is a difficult process because we don't have God's ability but we do have a God given memory. So it takes time. One of the drawbacks to getting to this point of "as if it never occurred" is that TMI (too much information), especially of the graphic and/or intense nature, is difficult for many of us to control or suppress. This is especially true for men, as we tend to be very visual. That's why the sex part of adultery is so difficult for men. It is for me, so I keep it locked away and try not to dwell on it. For women, it's more the "touchy, feely, emotional" stuff that is more important. Women tend to obsess over things like, "Did you loooove her?". Why? Because God wired us that way.

What your husband is doing by not wanting that information is to protect both you and he from the "information overload" and "mental images" that do little to further recovery and do a lot to cause problems for recovery. Let me ask you to think about something. Did you confess EVERY single detail to God? Or did you confess the adultery in total and not gush every detail you could remember to God? Either way, it's irrelevant because God already knew every detail and upon your repentance and confession to Him, God not only forgave, but all the details were put away from his "consciousness" and you were, and are, viewed as a "new creature, sinless and pure as a virgin". "The old has gone, the new has come."

Your husband is emulating this to the best of his ability. He doesn't have the ability that God does to put the memories so far away that it is as if they never occurred. But he can limit the amount of information about what he has already forgiven that he has to deal with.

Suzet, we all react differently and we all want or "need" a certain amount of information. Some want more and some want less. That is their choice. That you have to deal with the memories and the desire to purge them to your husband is one of the consequences of the sin that was committed. But you don't have the right to "force" your husband to take information he doesn't want because it will make you feel better or because you justify it on the basis of what you think YOU would want if you were in his shoes.

If you want "get if off your chest", do it here. If you need to "talk with someone about things your husband doesn't want to hear, do it here. We have fairly broad shoulders and you can cry on them anytime you feel the need.

But also count your blessings. TMI can really hamper recovery, even destroy recovery. One of the reasons that God allows the BS to divorce is, IMHO, information overload. If it causes the BS to dwell incessantly on the "details", they may never be able forgive and move on. They may never be able to be obedient to God's commands to husbands. Remember, God commanded men to love their wives. God never commanded women to love their husbands, only to respect them and to be submissively obedient to their leadership in spiritual matters and as "head of the household." If in your husband's attempt to be head of the household and decide what is best for your marriage in this matter of "how much information", he decides he does NOT want to know everything that you would be willing, or want, to tell him, then you MUST respect him and honor him and be obedient to the decision that he feels honors God and protects your marriage.

Each of us, in our own way, must deal with the consequences of infidelity. I can tell you that there are questions that "roll around in my head" that some days I would like answers to from my wife. But I don't ask because I know that my "mental movies" are intense, painful, and debilitating. I cannot, probably, convey to you how intense a man's mental movies are of a wife being with, and enjoying, the "attentions" of another man. It is enough for me to know that "acts" occurred. I don't need the blow by blow details or "comparisons". That was then, this is now...and I am working to create new memories for both of us. In time, the thoughts and feelings of both of us will fade concerning the "past infidelity" as thoughts about long ago boyfriends and girlfriends fade. The memories, once in our minds, will never be erased short of something like alzheimer's disease, but they will not be accessed readily or even recalled without effort. That is one of the reasons recovery takes a lot of time. It simply does take time for memories to fade and for today to become another part of our past. But inbetween now and then, we build a lot more new memories that are fresh in our minds and that we do think about.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Posted By: Sadfww Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/08/04 12:17 PM
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sag120167:
<strong>
I am extremely remorseful, and in deep pain. I want to melt away, my heart burns when I see the anguish, pain, the hurt in my Husbands eyes. I can't believe I could hurt The man I love the most. I do not deserve his love, but I will do everything I can to EARN his respect...one day I will be the woman he deserves. I tell him how terrible I feel, how much I regret what I did, and I will do anything he wants...I don't know what to do or say that could help?

I Love my Husband.

Any advice would help, Thanks. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This WILL help. Remorse is necessary for your marriage to heal- and seeing that remorse, your determination to regain his respect and your deep hurt will help your H. I wish I had more advice, but am just taking baby steps myself. Have you considered a MB weekend?
What your H is going through is the dreaded 'emotional rollercoaster' so common after d-day. While it is heartwrenching to see the one you love go through this, it is part of the normal process of recovery. I know this is small comfort for you but if your H didn't love you then he would have left you already. Is your H reading any books related to affairs?

Speaking of books there is an e-book [only $5] written by a BS for the WS who wants to help his/her BS recover from the affair, its at http://www.aftertheaffair.net/ you might want to check it out.
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/08/04 04:24 PM
Member # 37015

posted September 30, 2004 06:30 PM
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SAG, I was in your husband's shoes in August. It may have been fortunate for us that I was actually away at the time and the OM who did not live in the area had also left town when I found out. So, I believe having a little space before I actually saw my WW again was beneficial. That being said I can't see where a lengthy departure will do either of you any good if you are interested in reconciliation. When I finally made it home after finding out about the A my wife tried to keep me at a distance, but with in 12 hours we were having great sex even though she hadn't yet forsworn the OM. Sex may be a very important emotional ned for your husband and if you want to be with him, go for it. Is there anything more intimate that a woman can do for her man? Second, if you can get him to read it, Bob Pure has a great discourse in "Is there a Plan A1/2" by Marriage is Forever. Your husband, like me, is not responsible in ANY way for our spouse's decision to have an A, but we did contribute to creating an atmosphere where one could develop. It is a very bitter pill for the BS to swallow, but if he can you will be onthe track to recovery much faster.

My WW and I are recovering. I wish she had the insight you do as to how much pain she has caused to me, our children and extended family. The fact that you see that the A was wrong and can admit it is great. Don't act desperate in front of him, but read up on all the emotional needs stuff and start filling his tank ASAP. Then he will see that you want to be with him and you can begin your reconciliation in earnest.

I understand about the resentment issues you spoke of, it was exactly the same for my wife. If your H won't talk to you right now, post some questions and I'll try to relate as best I can what happened and what is currently going on in my marriage. There are a lot of similarities.

God Bless. If you believe in prayer, do that as well. It is truly remarkable what can happen through prayer.

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Zoomie
Me: 41, USAF Active Duty
WW: 40, Smart, beautiful,Low self-esteem
Daughter: 11 homeschooled
Son: 7 Adopted, Chinese, mild mental retardation
D-Day: 1 Aug 04
EA: Mid-2003
PA: 04 while I was away

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Posts: 45 | Registered: Aug 2004 | IP: Logged |

sag120167
Junior Member
Member # 37856

posted October 08, 2004 03:16 AM
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Zoomie,

Thanks for replying. I am not too familiar with posting etc. I moved my topic to general discussions. I will read your posts, I am interested since you said our situation is similar. I am sure you can relate to the explosion of emotions involved, everyday is a challenge. I am regretful for the pain I have caused and I am eager to work on myself...thank you for the advice, it helps to get some perspective from the BH. The most confusing part for my husband is trying to understand how I could make such bad decisions if I was happy with him and our marriage. He questions my current intentions...he dosn't accept me telling him "I love him". I realize that I sound like a hypocrite, but I honestly have discovered a deeper love for him. He dosn't trust me, and I understand. I can only prove my love for him over time. We have good days and bad days, I just want to be there for him, I want to help minimize the pain. I know I can't erase what I have done.I do pray for forgiveness everyday. I wish I had the tools and insight I have now about affairs. It is a mind altering, heart wrenching addiciton. Let me know how your recovery process is going. I appreciate your insight!
Posted By: aussieswife Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/08/04 06:00 PM
sag

everything you have written reflects my own feelings and remorse.
Right now my H wants to just go away. It is far easier to inflict the pain than to remove it.
He does not trust me or when I say I do love him. He still believes I am hiding things from him when I have nothing left to hide, not even pride.
What makes it worse to me is that there was nothing wrong with our M or relationship, it was my own internal weaknesses and selfish manner in which I sought relief. When you sow the seeds of adultery the harvest is bitter indeed.
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/09/04 01:28 AM
aussieswife,

When was your Dday? Does your husband want to reconcile? I am learning about how I put myself in such a terrible situation..like you said, I thought our marrige was one the best I knew of, we were both content, we did not realize our marriage needed work. Or I should say, we didn't realize I needed so much work. I have been learning alot about myself, and I am grateful for any information. Let me know how your progress goes. Thanks for the info.

Sag
Posted By: coach3530 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/09/04 03:51 AM
Sag,
You asked for input from males BSs so here’s a little something that I’m willing to share. I don’t do this often (talk about my past) so please forgive me if it tends to be a little long.

MY former (very much former) WW was the most unlikely candidate for an affair of any woman that I’ve ever known. She is one of those NYC women who have an extraordinary persona. Every man thinks that his W is beautiful; mine did some face modeling for Cosmo in her younger days. She is 5’ 8” and to this day is a size 6! She doesn’t have a models body, however, just a models face. She is much too voluptuous to be a model and always has been. Even now in her 40s and after two children, she still has that great muscle tone and all the right parts (in abundance) and in the right place! But in NYC, is filled with beautiful woman. They are just not all that unuale. As a broadcasting executive, I spent 90% my time around beautiful woman so please believe me when I say that this why my W is special.

She is brilliant! I mean a genius IQ! She is a great writer, not a good one! A great writer! Her specialty is technical PR and she makes very big money; even by NYC standards. She is conscious of her beauty and is very calculating as to how she stages herself. She dresses for example in Armani suits, with silk shirts that cover her to her neck. At the same time however, the jackets are just tight enough and the skirts are way to short! (Just my opinion! LOL)! Add to this that she’s totally left brained! I mean this woman has the mind of an actuary. Everything has to add up and everything has to make sense and everything has to be done with some goal in mind. She enjoys winning! And I mean big time. Very competitive. And so what she is, is confusing. LOL So I ask myself, why would this woman participate in adultery? What did she have to gain? What was winning in this situation all about? It doesn’t add up and never did. And I didn’t have a clue! Color me so dumb and stupid about the whole thing that it’s like I was the one in the fog…not her!

So how did I find out? The W of my very EX best friend found out and clued me in. God, woman are just so much smarter about this stuff! And so I ran away. I left the house and wouldn’t come home. LOL My WW of course ran away first. When Ellen (OM’s W) called and told her she was about to call and tell me, my WW got on a plane and disappeared for two days. She wouldn’t face me. As for me, I couldn’t face her. So while she was gone, I packed up and moved out my apartment into the NYC athletic club! LOL is this a bad novel or what? LOL Two fools running around in the dark!

And no, I didn’t want to have sex with her for a very long time after wards. So if your H wants to with you, I think it’s a good thing. And no I didn’t want to go home and face her. And yes, I was ready to divorce her. But I didn’t! I waited and ended up speaking to DR. H (this is quite a long time ago by the way.) And did I hate plan A! Hated it, hated it hated it! Of course it wasn’t even all that difficult for me. After all, she had already decided that we would stay married, LOL and after that I never had a chance! How about you? What have you decided, because if you want this marriage, your H doesn’t have a chance. LOL you will get him to forgive you.
So you know what? Although folks around here say that you don’t need to be doing Plan A, I disagree.

Plan A not only helps break up affairs, it helps people to learn how to behave appropriately to each other. How to communicate, and show respect. It trains us to be selfless in our love and helps us show our marital partner the person that we want to be for them. Also, what you’re trying to achieve is very similar to breaking up an affair. I this case you H’s affair is with his desire to run away. Plan A will help. Study it, know it use it. That’s my advice.

And get your H back home as soon as you can. You guys can’t be working on anything together if you’re separated so help him to decide to work on the marriage and get him to come home. If you have to, negotiate the deal. Ask him for 6 months of effort! Just 6 months to save something that took a lifetime to build. Appeal to his common sense. This always works with men, LOL.

Now one more thing because this post is already absurdly long. Don’t confuse my tone in this post with me being a patsy! I’m anything but. And my W is still really careful around me. She does not do anything I don’t know about. Anything! And I know because I spy! You see, I learned my lesson. So when the Coffee man posted this quote by Harley, it really hit home with me:


~”One topic is loss of trust. How can a spouse ever trust an unfaithful partner again? My answer is that the spouse should shouldn't trust her. The fact is that we are all wired for infidelity, and under certain conditions, we'll all do it. The way to protect your marriage from something that has been common to man (and women) for thousands of years is to recognize the threat, and do something to prevent it from happening.”~

This is the best advice you will ever get. And yes you can save your marriage. Just stop doing stupid stuff!

Coach.
Posted By: Suzet* Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/09/04 02:57 PM
Sag, I've send you a response on the first page of this thread... I think you've missed it. It was the last post (on the bottom) of that page.
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/10/04 05:45 AM
Suzet,
I can't thank you enough for the information. I am coming to terms with my childhood abuse, and realizing I could never be my true self, I could never really be happy until I can deal with the reality of what happened to me as a child. I have been carring around the guilt for too long. It is amazing our behavior patterns as adults are based on our childhood experiences, without us even realizing it. I will read the info you suggested and get back to you.

Coach,
I find your story very encouraging. My H is at home, we are taking one day at a time. I am grateful for his courage, he really is trying to make sense of this mess, and trying to come to understanding my A on his own terms.We are planning a trip together next weekend!!I can relate to your wife on certain levels. I consider myself a very competitive, smart, successful and lucky with good looks person. I work hard to keep in good shape, I dress to impress, I have always had the intentions of "impressing" my husband. His approval of me on all aspects has always been so important to me. All this proves that the quote "we are all wired for infidelity..." proves that those of us who think we have the best marriage, if we are in love it can't happen, we are much too smart, we have better judgement...can all mean nothing if we don't "protect your marriage, recognize the threat, and do something about it." I have undervalued myself for so long...and resented my husband thinking it was him making me feel this way. However, I can attribute those feelings of never feeling "good enough" from my childhood sexual abuse. I did not hink your post was too long, I need all the info I can get. Thank you!!

Sag
Posted By: sag120167 Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/15/04 08:44 AM
Just was wondering if anyone might have info on sex after the A is exposed. My BH and I have been having sex more frequently and it has definately been more intense. Although our recent lovemaking has been some of our the best sex, My H is confused and concerned that he has not been able to climax as quick as he used to, he is concerned that he is only able to last longer because of my A. He is wondering if he may not be as "turned on" because of issues with my A. I know that it is heart wrenching to imagine your spouse physically involved with another. I was wondering if there a other BH who have experienced something similar, and if these visualizations deminish with time? Or do they intensify with time, and it only becomes more difficult to reach deeper intimacey?
Posted By: Bob_Pure Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/15/04 09:47 AM
sag, until NC was established SF was mechanical for both of us. A while after NC my FWW seduced me in a way not seen in years and we had a very passionate week of lovemaking.

Others reported this too, of those who could still enjoy SF with their WS that is. I do not knwo for sure why this is: in my case it is not at all excitement regarding her A. When that hits my thoughts all SF stops immediately.
I can assume its because of many reasons:

* Gratefulness that the M is being worked on
* Feelings of renewed attraction after plan A improves BS and met ENs
* An attempt to 'pay back' BS for the infidelity
* Maybe the A awakened a need for better and more frequent SF in WS ?

All I know is that my FWW is very frisky, and I am happy that I am not so disgusted by her A that I cannot respond.

Regarding your H's slowness to climax, many men ( me included!) have an image involving a boring sports game to make us last a little longer ! He ( and you!) should be happy at his increased long lastingness. It allws you to enjoy each others bodies for longer. If teh sex you are having is passioate and enjoyable I doubt very much if thoughts of this are affecting his performance. Besides, enjoy teh SF you have - you have the rest of your lives to relearn enjoying each others bodies.

All blessings.
Posted By: aussieswife Re: sag120167: "I betrayed my Husband" - 10/15/04 10:16 AM
Sag
Sorry not to respond but things have been, well, bit tense and distant around here of late.
Our d day was Friday 13th may this year when I just had to tell Aussie, so you can understand if I cam remember THAT date easily!!!

When he first knew my H was hurt mostly, then the next day just so angry as well and wanted to end the M and told me to ‘p*ss off” etc, etc, etc.
I got to the point where I felt he was right I should go as I did this to him. He slowly changed to where he would work on the M, still angry, and I felt too ‘dirty’ to even try.

However believer and JL and a few others helped him and when I eventually posted here again they also helped me and continue to do so.
Now we have a good MC and we were going well, I was still unable to give all the nitty gritty details of the sex - yuck, yuck, yuck - until a few days ago, but slowly we are moving on a bit.

Then a few days ago I told Aussie ALL I could remember, and he’s been VERY quite, avoiding me, not looking at me, though I was warned this may be the reaction for a little while. Still hurts so much though.

He does not trust me at all. I go to the shop or pick up the kids or my Mum from work and I get this empty look from him. I guess that’s my fault & I’ll have to accept it. But he sticks for now so I have hope.

Now the sex issue. Well during the A it was INTENSE because I was feeling so much guilt I wanted to ‘make it up’ to him. That back fired like you wouldn’t believe when he found out about the A. He would not touch me with a barge pole and frankly I felt so ‘unclean’ within myself that it would have been pathetic anyway.

Slowly we have increased the sex between us to frequent intense episodes. Sometimes I have to admit it is almost over powering and stuns the h*ll out of me. Its like WOW!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I really do think it has helped to keep us together and working on the M.... So far.
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