The Harley's are right, I should have waited 2 years

Hi all. Well most of you know my story. My WH completely abandoned me and has been living with OW for over a year. I have been trying to save my marriage for 22 months.

All through this, I had remained faithful. Even when WH spent all of his time and our money wining and dining OW, I stayed home and worked on having a good life without him.

Last weekend I went to a benefit party at the yacht club, and ran into a man I have known for several years. After the party, we went to another party on his boat. One thing led to another and I ended up having SF with him.

Since then, we have seen each other every day.

Today I came home from work and there was a letter from my WH saying he wants my forgiveness, that he has trashed our marriage, he wants to get back to the Lord, saying sorry that he didn't help me, give me money, broke my heart and on and on.

Also he mentioned that things have happened between OW and him, and they have gone their own ways. I checked with OW's BH, and OW has been back living with him for the last week. Also she has been cooking, cleaning, and taking good care of their 12 year old daughter, which she never did before. So I tend to believe that WH and OW have parted ways.

The bad thing is that I didn't hold out long enough. Now I have not honored my vows. Also my life has been much happier without WH than with him. I have no desire to see him or even talk to him.

I'm sorry that I didn't wait a little longer, but I really had no hope.

ya know, believer, you are just human. You did absolutely everything your power to save that marriage and went through hell for that man. I am not trying to excuse what you did, but please don't be too hard on yourself, believer.

On a side note, I would play this latest development cautiously and not get your hopes up. You know what can happen at the end of affair with the yo-yo games.

Believer,

YOU ARE WRONG,WRONG,WRONG.

The only one that should feel bad is WH. He absolutely deserves what he is NOT getting.

Go with your heart and your brain. Either way YOU are controlling your destiny. Feels pretty good don't it?????

OH Believer. I am sorry. I don't even know what to say. I had a feeling this would happen.

I'm so sorry, I know the inner turmoil you have, but you don't have to go back with him. You did the best you could for way longer than anyone else would have done.

What ever you decide, I am by your side.

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes right now. If you are considering giving him a chance make him work for it, and I mean work for it until you do have feelings again. Otherwise bon voyage, the ship has sailed.

Oh believer hugs to you.

Believer:

Figures, doesn't it?

I won't think badly of you. You've been on here long enough that you know exactly what 2 do.

Heck, if you HAD waited 2 years, it might still not have been enough time after the putative "end of the A" 2 be sure it was in the ground for good.

Time will tell, but like I say, you'll know what 2 do.

-ol' 2long

I will say this....

How many times going through this situation with your H did you wish he would just TRY with you.
How many times did you beg God, your H, whoever, for him to give at least counseling a try...

Maybe he's full of it now... maybe not.
Maybe he's in the shoes you have worn for the past 2 years now.

Maybe you should think about this awhile.
maybe nothing will happen, maybe it will.

Regardless, we'll all support you in the decision you make. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BELIEVER...YOU BADDDDD GIRL...what have you gone and done!!!

I dont care what others say...you have done the wrong thing. Yes, you did.

How can you do SF with other men while you are still married??? That was NOT right. You are now no different from your WH.

To the Lord's eyes...you are no different..now you cannot even leave WH even if you WANTED to!

I dont know to get mad with you or to feel sad for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I would not even want to be in your shoes now...what a dillemma... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The very sad thing is that I don't want my husband back. I don't even want to talk to him or think about him. I just don't care anymore.

I hope he has a nice life. But it will be without me.

It is funny how this board changes you. When I first found out what was going on, I wanted to die. I spent months crying, not being able to eat or sleep. I begged my WH to come back.

I begged the Lord to help me. Nothing happened. So I listened to folks here and moved on with my life. My life has been quite wonderful the last few months. I could never go back to the marriage I had.

As far as the SF with another man, it was just that. I have no feelings for him either. So I am very, very sad that it had to come to this. For many months, recovering my marriage was my highest priority. But that is no longer true.

BELIEVER:

Sorry but I can't be harsh with you NO matter what the majority of MBers would think and claim is "PC" around here.

I've read of your WH "saying" this and that... for basically the 2 years you refer too.

Who among us can state with any certainty that his "speech" THIS TIME is indeed the honest truth??

That's right....NO ONE!
His "ACTIONS" speak for him!

So maybe you did make a mistake. (??)
None of us can say.

However, YOU did what you needed too at the time.

Perhaps its what you needed NOW.....so that you can make the break.....so you don't get sucked back into the "games" with such a person
(now that he has been "kicked to the curb" and has No where else to go).

I say stick to your plan and find someone that will both Honor and Cherish you in your Vows. YOU deserve a good, true and faithful H.

I wouldn't bet that your H is sincere with ____'s money!
(Left blank as to not create any more detractors then I currently have.)

If you have prayed to ask the Lord for help...have you thought that MAYBE this is another route that HE wants you to take?

Dont rush it...take your time to find that bond again. You can do this, Believer... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Zizzy -

I have prayed to the Lord everyday for the last 22 months. WH and OW continued to spend all of OUR money, to the tune of over $100,000.

I now do not care about WH. I am done with him. He abandoned me, spent our money, hid from me while I was trying to divorce him, lied, denied, and on and on.

The last time I talked to him, a month ago, I told him "my husband is dead". In his letter today he said "I think you are right, your husband is dead."

But the whole thing is, he used to be the most important person in my life. Now I don't care about him at all. Not even enough to talk to him.

Believer, can you tell me what is magic about two years? Whatâ€™s a few weeks, plus or minus?

Letâ€™s see, maybe 2long can check this, but itâ€™s been maybe 4 years on Venus already. Even more on Mercury.

T

Thos -

Sheesh, I don't know. But the Harley's suggest that you wait for 2 years. I waited 22 months because basically my marriage was hopeless. My WH was gone, and in the last 22 months, I have spent less than 10 hours with him.

I am sorry that he and OW parted ways. In fact it was just about the time he ran out of money. Of course he always swore that she was not at all interested in money.

Are you now going to file for divorce?

TMCM -

I have not filed for divorce for a long time. I have the papers, but could not serve WH, since he was hiding out. He constantly denied that he was living with OW.

I have the divorce papers still. I guess I should file for divorce, since I am done with WH. I just don't care anymore.

believer - Please read the whole thing. I 1st read your post, then went to check my mail before logging out & when I read this email you came to mind. It's uncanny

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> SAUL TO PAUL - A MAN TOTALLY CHANGED BY GOD -

Do you really believe that God can change people? I love to hear the
testimonies of people having their life changed from drugs, alcohol
or immorality to becoming strong men/women of God.

"Why should any of you consider it incredible that God raises the
dead? é¸ too was convinced that I ought to do all that was possible
to oppose the name of Jesus of Nazareth. And that is just what I
did in Jerusalem. On the authority of the chief priests I put many
of the saints in prison, and when they were put to death, I cast
my vote against them. Many a time I went from one synagogue to
another to have them punished, and I tried to force them to
blaspheme. In my obsession against them, I even went to foreign
cities to persecute them." Acts 26:8-11

Do you believe that your Lord can change your spouse that way? The
answer to the question is "Yes!!" God is in the people changing
business. He touches people hearts and changes people completely from
the inside out. Sometimes it is instantly and other times it is a
spiritual process as a baby growing in the Lord.

The scripture above is Paul sharing his testimony to King Agrippa.
Paul was allowed to speak in front of King Agrippa to testify why he
should be set free. Paul was able to share his testimony of what
happened to him on the Damascus Road. He told King Agrippa about his
encounter with Jesus. Have you had an encounter with your Lord Jesus
Christ? Are you praying for your spouse to have a Damascus Road
experience like Paul? Saul was chosen by Jesus and God to become an
ambassador for the Gentiles. What is the Lord asking you to do?

Bob and I know of many people that came to know their Lord Jesus
Christ after their marriage fell apart. Your Lord is right there with
you, your spouse and children. He is wanting to show us His mighty
power. Nothing is too hard for the Lord to do! Believe in God's
mighty awesome saving power for your spouse and for all prodigals.

"'On one of these journeys I was going to Damascus with the
authority and commission of the chief priests. About noon, O king,
as I was on the road, I saw a light from heaven, brighter than the
sun, blazing around me and my companions. We all fell to the
ground, and I heard a voice saying to me in Aramaic, 'Saul, Saul,
why do you persecute me? It is hard for you to kick against the
goads.' ç¦…hen I asked, 'Who are you, Lord?' 'I am Jesus, whom
you are persecuting,' the Lord replied. 'Now get up and stand on
your feet. I have appeared to you to appoint you as a servant and
as a witness of what you have seen of me and what I will show you.
I will rescue you from your own people and from the Gentiles. I
am sending you to them to open their eyes and turn them from
darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that
they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who
are sanctified by faith in me.'" Psalm 26:12-18

This week we received an email from a man, who humbly asked a
question. Could he be the stander for his wife? He was the prodigal,
who committed adultery. The Lord has touched him, changed his heart,
but his wife will not forgive him. This story is not unusual to us,
as you probably know. We work with many prodigals who have been
touched by their Lord, repented and have had a life changing
experience. Unfortunately, many women, men and churches will not
forgive spouses or friends and are holding grudges, anger, bitterness,
and unforgiveness toward this person and many are confessing
Christians. Please pray for these special standers, prodigals coming
home to their Lord and wanting to be forgiven by their family!

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly
Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men
their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14-15

Oh, that we all would learn what it really means to be a Christian. It
is easy to be a Christian until we are tested or have trouble in our
marriage or at work. That is when we all learn about applying the
principles and precepts to our personal daily walk with the Lord. That
is when we remember our wedding vows, "For better or worse...till
death us do part." Oh, that we would learn what is to love your
spouse unconditionally. Oh, that we would learn how to forgive our
spouse of sins of sexual immorality knowing that the Lord will teach
us and give us the grace, mercy and love to do so. They are many
wounded spouses who have unforgiveness due to their childhood, that
they are not even able to show love and know how to treat their spouses
lovingly. Ask the Lord if you need to forgive someone. Then wait on
the Lord and be ready to starting forgiving others. This will heal
you of your own pain and hurts. Then ask the Holy Spirit to pour the
spirit of forgiveness and unconditional agape love on you and your
spouse.

Many of you are thinking, "How can I believe that God can change my
spouse when my spouse says, é¸ will never, never come back. I really
never loved you. You need to get on with your life as I am with
mine.'" Bob and I cannot possibly write all the words that prodigals
say to their spouses to destroy any hope or belief that they would
ever change their mind or heart to return home.

I received a telephone call from a stander this week sharing a praise
report. Last Christmas their marriage looked hopeless in the natural
eye with the other person pregnant. Last Friday, her husband called
her and met with her and told her that he has never stopped loving her.
He loves her, now the Lord has to reveal to him how to come back home.

God can and does touch these men and women. God created them and sent
His Son, Jesus, to died on the cross for them and their sins. Don't
give up! God is moving every day in different ways in every one of
your spouses lives. Remember Saul! Keep your eyes on your Lord and
not on your spouse. Keep growing and maturing in the Lord. Be
burdened and pray for all your family members to be saved. Pray for
all marriages around the world to be restored and for them to be as
God created them to be.

Let's pray a scripture, found in Acts 26:18, that is so powerful:

"Lord, we pray this for every prodigal who is away from you. Lord,
we pray this for every spouse that is in the pigpen of life away
from their families. Lord, open their eyes and turn them from
darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, so that they
may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are
sanctified by faith in me. Lord, go and bring your prodigals home
quickly. Amen."

I am certain that any and all prodigals who have returned home, (and
there are many) are very thankful that their spouse did not give up
on them! Don't give up on your spouse! God is able!

God bless,
Charlyne Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, Florida 33061
http://rejoiceministries.org
http://stopdivorce.org

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Scripture quoted by permission and are from the Holy Bible; New
International Versionï½® Copyrightï½© 1973, 1978, 1984 by International
Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All
rights reserved. <hr /></blockquote>Just ask God what to do.

Blessings,
D.

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> The very sad thing is that I don't want my husband back. <hr /></blockquote>I think this is the most important part. You have prepared the D papers, you had set up an appointment for mediation, you did what you could to get the ball rolling - BECAUSE you had decided, a while ago, that WH is not what you want in your life anymore. Hmm, beating yourself up over 2 out of 24 months? I'm not saying you should have broken technical vows on your end - what I am saying is they really were just technical. The feelings, respect, have been gone for a long time.

Could you have pushed harder for the D? Yes. Should you have waited to have SF until after the D? Yes. Did you? No. You did the best you could in the circumstances you were in. You have been admirable in the face of nastiness for 22 months. It is over.

Spidey

I agree with Spidey- do NOT beat yourself up about this.

believer, have you considered the fact that you may have given up before the miracle? God didn't work on believer's timetable so you blamed God for failing you and gave up.

The bad thing about God is that He is hardheaded and tends to work on His own schedule. Drives me crazy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Beleiver,

It is not my intention to advocate for either divorce or continuation of your marriage. I just hope that whatever you decide it is with no regrets or second thoughts. As a survivor of divorce, I can tell you that it is neither a desolate desert or a tropical paradise. Peace be with you.

Hi believer,

It would have been better if you'd more aggressively pursued the D, I reckon.

No way am I waiting for two years. You're a viking to have held on as long as you did.

I don't have any judgement about the sex. I'll leave that to others. I don't find it all that relevant if you are working on ending the marriage. I see a disconnect in the religious stuff. The BS is excused for divorcing if cheated on, but not until the STATE finalizes the divorce? What's the state got to do with it?

Uh oh, I feel a "gay marriage" debate trying to sneak out...

Much love to you, believer.

GC

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> The BS is excused for divorcing if cheated on, but not until the STATE finalizes the divorce? <hr /></blockquote>I think that's along the lines I was thinking. I think you D'd him in your heart already. That was my impression from your posts.

I remember I had the same thinking in my own sitch, when H wanted the D and I didn't. Well, I couldn't control his actions, and I live in a no-fault state, so I could only slow it down, not stop it. I decided if he did do D me, it would only be a piece of paper to me. I was still M'd in my heart.

Are you still M'd in your heart?

Spidey

Talk to WH, believer...it takes two to work things out...talk to WH and then decided if you really want out or in...you wont know if you dont talk to him...

I thought i wanted a divorce and you know i have MY papers ready too...however, i have not proceed with it and have decided to try and talk to WH...i want to try my best to save this marriage before i really decide to end things with WH...

Since i started talking to WH, i started to understand a little bit more about the feelings of WS. I feel more compassion for my WH.

Go and set an appointment with your WH and talk to him...get the truth out and move onwards...dont dwell on what happened during the 22 months, how you waited for him etc etc...

Think of your future and what YOU want to do.

Since divorce and ending a marriage takes two person to do...TALK to your WH... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Will get through this - I am a Christian and I know people can change. In fact, I have changed. I just don't care about WH anymore.

Mel - I think I have given up before the miracle. I waited for a long time. But, you are right. I gave up.

Spiderslayer - You and I have gone a long way back. I am glad that you are doing well. Hope someday we will hear from the other guy we used to talk to. I guess he is doing fine.

I'm just done with WH.

Gray - I have not been the best MB'r. However, I have fought the good fight, as long as I could.

Hi B,

I have read over and over on this board that nothing justifies an affair. That when you are married you honor your vows even if the other person isn't.

When you realized your feelings for WH were dead you should've filed the D, but for whatever reasons, you didn't. I don't like the reasoning that if you don't feel M'd in your heart then it's ok. That's the reasoning my WW uses.

It sounds to me that you just got caught up in the moment with this man. Isn't it the same thing that happens to all WS, EN's are not being met, so they seek comfort elsewhere. Granted, 22 months is a long time to wait, hope, pray and get nothing in return.

You made a mistake. Tell your WH about the SF with the OM, tell him you don't want to be married anymore and file the D.

GDF

Frankly, I don't think the OP is out of line.
She was essentially abandoned, the marital assets drained, she waited a LONG time for husband to return.
Izzy, how utterly ludricrous that since she found someone else, now her punishment is to be stuck in this pile of dog doodie called a marriage.
She is not to be stuck or anything else. God is a just god. Says so himself. He also says that he is a merciful and compassionate God. that is what god says.
OP says she no longer wants the husband, the marriage or the trouble this man has caused.
The fact of the matter is that she wants out.She has earned her way out and she needs to get out if she is finished with it.
And what she does and how she handles it is not to be judged by anyone BUT god, if that is how she believes.

believer,

You are okay. Yeah, you did the wrong thing.

Facts are, you don't care about WH and you don't care about OM.

I have followed all of your posts.

What I don't understand is why you did not just post it all in the newspaper and get it all over with. That is what you said you were going to do.

I guess you did not do this.

So here you are.

Now what will you do?

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

In my VHO, you have had a very hard line with WS, not given him much of a chance, since you have had very little contact with him over all this time. Don't mean to be a 2x4.

I did not do MB 101, NC or else. I am just praying that God will give you direction, and that you will wait for His time, not yours.

On the other hand, it is not the best time to negotiate, come back to me, etc, when ow has dumped WS and he needs a woman to take care of him. Boundaries, believer.

Don't beat yourself up. You have done the best you know how, and have helped so many here.\

So what is the healthiest thing for you to do , for you, marriage, future?

God bless you and keep you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

October...i am not telling Believer to do anything she doesnt want to do...

Believer,

I remember right after D-Day I decided to post on MB and you were the first one to reply. Since then I read constantly MB threads and you are always there helping people to get through this hell. Why am I bringing it? Because it shows the wonderful person you are. I think you have one of the biggest hearts. Honestly, a person who abused you emotionally, who lied to you constantly and who abused you financially for fulfilling his selfish passions do not deserve a woman like you. You have the answer in your hands: YOU DO NOT WANT YOUR WH BACK. The way I see it is that your WH did not want to divorce you because on his ****ed up mind he was thinking something like this: "O.K. I am with this OW now fulfilling my needs and I have believer as my back up plan. If something doesnt work out with OW I have believer who will be willing to take me back. She's been working to save our M, that gives me the security that she will be there when I need her." I assume this because it is such a coincidence, he did not care about you until he was dumped by OW. Now you face the situation where you, being the wonderful woman that you are, were attracted to another person. I do not blame you about the SF. You are a woman and like every other woman have needs. Among those is the sexual need. Maybe you tried to ignore it for a while thinking that it was the correct thing to do because that is what everybody says it is the right thing to do because you were married. But, were you really married? I have my doubts. Maybe legally you were, but emotionally? I do not think so. Were you living with your H at the time you had the encounter with this man? Were you still bounded to the promise of honoring, caring and loving your H? I dont think so and you did not take that decission. He was the one who broke that promise by going with OW and leaving you for 22 months. For me women and men who are betrayed, give a chance to save their marriage, fight for it, go to plan B because they are drained, stay for such a long time because WS do not want to leave OP and then after suffering that much move on with their lives, do not have a promising future with WS. Specially when WS returns because he/she was dumped and do not like to be alone. They care about not being alone, not about the abuse they inflict in the Faithful spouse who truly loved them. If you would have done it 2 months after D-DAY then we would call it a RA, now that you dont want Your H back it is just a sign that your H did an excellent job killing the love you once had for him. If you are troubled about what the lord says, I don't think the lord will think that you are doing something wrong. I don't think the lord will punish you and will tell you that you commited a sin. The sinner is you H who decided to divorce you long time ago but was a coward who did not want to face the consequences of his actions. I wish you GOOD LUCK! if you ever need some xtra support, I will happily give it to you. I live in L.A. maybe if you are around, we can get together sometime. I am very grateful to you for being the first one to reply to my after D-DAY post. You gave me the encouragement to work on my marriage and I do not know the final outcome in my case. But I am there working on it and is improving.
janei_bs@yahoo.com if you ever visit L.A.

[ October 29, 2004, 03:35 AM: Message edited by: janei ]

Believer

Life can be sh1t from time to time. ALL of us on here know that.

We all deserve happiness and we all do the best we can.

Its a blessing that God is more forgiving than some MB posters are.

Get right with God. get free of your dead M. Start liivng without pain or guilt once more.

{{{believer}}}

high 5''s Bigups Beleiver!!!! Woman!!! You are still my angel.. you're a beautiful person and you should know it. You didn't do anything wrong in my eyes. You were not married because your husband left you and left you to cry hurt, bleed..whatever happened to you in the last months he didn't care.. He was having the time of his life.. and expected you to always be there.. well good ole beleiver isn't! not because its payback time because this angel do not want to be there anymore!! I'm so proud of you. When your mind and your heart is spoken it is time 22 months or 24..it doesn't matter!!!

Big hugs..

Love you!!!

I know I'm posting twice, I have tears in my eyes.. because I beleive you deserve all the happiness in the world. And there is a God watching! You are so strong woman.. I wish I had just 1/3 of what you possess... Do not beat yourself over this. He's coming back cuz OW dumped him... or does he want beleiver in his life? ...... I don't even want to think about this. All I know is I do not want to see him hurt you anymore... I've become protective over my angel.

OK, all you Bible folkies, put your quiz hats on. Who was it that had to labor seven years to marry Ruth, Rachael or .....some girl in the old testimont?

Then when he did the seven years the father of the girl came up with some other excuse for him to do another seven years of laboring.... and the poor guy did it. (we'd probably diagnose him with obsessive compulsive these days)

Moral to the story believer??? Get WH to go back to the Lord first. Two years minimum, seven would be better.. When he's demonstrated his true repentence to the Lord and can truthfully plead change in the sight of God, then believer, maybe you could consider going out on a date with him, after another seven years?

You know, God gave us a brain so we would use it. With the Bible, it's not the rule, it's the principle. A lot of people don't get that. Think about the meaning behind the law and you can't go wrong.

AN

I like your point Anyname. That was really good!

My 2 cents is this,

Yes he has at least 2 years work to do on himself before he is ready to even think about asking a woman for a date, especially Believer.

Believer being the kind woman that she is, is going to feel sorry for him, and she is going to go through some major inner turmoil feeling bad about what is in store for him now. I even feel sorry for him. By his own stupidty he is lost with no one to turn to. Now he will fall to his knees and learn how to become a man or he will self destruct. A lesson we all need to learn sooner or later.

There is no way I would go two years without SF or feeling the arms of man around me when my husband is living with another woman. NO WAY! If he was away for two years for a his job, yes. But not after what he put Believer through.

Go through with your divorce Believer, and if your feelings for him change down the road than so be it, if not than so be that too.

oops!

[ October 29, 2004, 06:59 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]

Believer:

All affairs end and this one was no exception. .

An insecure person would normally want to go back to the marriage once the affair goes sour. The idea of being alone is not appealing for these folks.

It is your choice whether you take H back or not. DO what YOU want to do.

I am not sure why you lament the 24-month versus 22-month timelines. Are you implying the decision to take back H would be easy if you had no SF before the 24 months were up? How is having sex with this man affecting your decision?

At least you have the satisfaction of knowing the affair failed and that now he is calling you

Good Luck!!

Believer

I don't think you have a thing you should be reproaching yourself for at all.
Did you have an affair while a couple?
Did you leave the m?
Did you go & live with someone else leaving your spouse hanging in the wind?
Did you cause so much pain that in the end your once partner justs wants nothing to do with you?

Maybe it's just your time for you to move on and you did a bit I think.
Its not a celebration or anything of great joy for you I guess, its just a closing of a painful part of your life, so maybe its time to let it go????

Time just to be happy and live life you certainly deserve that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

(((((((((((((((believer))))))))))))))

It's all about what you want, and what you feel is best for you. You'll get my support, regardless of what you choose!

Hold your head up and start the rest of your life today, in the way you want it to be!

SD

BELIEVER--From the beginning that you started to post to me, I always knew that you were such a good woman.
You gave your husband a long time to come back to you, and he chose to stay with the OW.
YOu probably felt lonely as you got better living without your husband. Dont feel bad because of what you did. That should not leave any scars on you. You are doing great for what your husband has put you thru. You are a very strong woman, and he was not smart not realizing it. Is his loss, not yours. I am sure you are going to find a great guy to make you happier than ever.
Dont regret anything you did! 22 months is a longggggggg time to wait for a husband to change his mind.
Good luck with your new life and the new you.
Take care.
Myrta

[ October 29, 2004, 09:24 AM: Message edited by: Myrta ]

Believer, I just read your thread, and these are my thoughts. OK, I'm saying this very loudly as I type. DON'T FOR ONE SECOND ALLOW YOURSELF TO PUT YOUSELF DOWN IN ANY WAY! You continually fought like HE%% to save your M and waited for your extremely foggy H, until you could wait no longer. Instead of thinking you should have waited 24 months, and that is what God wanted you to do, maybe consider that you did what God wanted you to do at 22 months. Maybe God has a lesson here for your H. Maybe everything that has happened is according to God's plan.

Believer, you seem to know at this point, because you've said it over and over, that you don't want your H any more. That you have been very happy these past months. Maybe THAT should tell you something! Go on with your life. If at some point your H really changes, and YOU choose to date him again, then see what happens. You deserve the very best.

As far as the SF with the other man. This is my opinion so don't bother 2x4ing me anyone out there. You're H's ongoing A, as far as I'm concerned, made the M contract null and void a long time ago. Believer, have a happy life. You are a truly wonderful person! CV

Believer..IMHO I think Janei's post is right on the money..I have read all your posts throughout your drama since day 1 and feel we are kindred spirits in our journeys...I too waited for my WS to come around but during that time realized he will never be the man I was once married to because of the pain he chose to inflict on his family without a second thought...you have to think how does one do this and sleep at night...after reading several sitches on this board it appears the turning point occurs in many but not all cases is when the WS is:

1) dumped by OW
2) finds out BS has moved on and is seeing someone else

You have to decide in your case if your WH is worth taking back after all the crap he has dealt you...decide what are his motives for all of a sudden wanting you back after all this time..in my case I told my WS he had many opportunities to dump OW and turn his life around but he did not..these WS's need to know there are consequences for their actions...when they hit rock bottom, OP's dump them, squander life savings ..are these all viable reasons to let them return?... I think not...they have to face their demons head on and look inward...they have to gain respect by turning their lives around without a safety net waiting in the wings..if your WS is truly sincere about doing this...let him show you by his actions and not only words...you are a wonderful person Believer and do not deserve any more pain..

Hi believer.

My suggestion > file for divorce and see what happens in that process. Communication with your H will have to occur and who knows what will happen. In the meantime, stay away from yachties - especially power boaters. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, a question I didn't see asked so far > was the yachtie of the one night stand married? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

For the record, I met the love of my life 6 months after my divorce and one month after WS and OM were married. We've been together for almost 26 months - and counting.

WAT

[ October 29, 2004, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

Thanks for all the support. And no, I did not stoop that low, WAT. He has been divorced for many years.

And WAT - do you know that Pep has been betting your boat?

Believer, I think (but who knows if I am correct or not?)... I think one of the reasons you are where you are right now is because you did NOT Plan B in a timely manner. I really do think that you did a decent Plan A. However, because (for whatever reasons) you could not or would not Plan B in the window of opportunity that you had, the affair was prolonged until you fell out of love for your H.

Remember, Believer, Plan B has more than one purpose. To protect you from hurt, and to protect your love for your WH.

Let this be a lesson to other MBer who postpone Plan B too long.

The SF thing? That's not the thing that killed your marriage.

Pep

[ October 29, 2004, 09:58 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by believer:
 And WAT - do you know that Pep has been betting your boat? <hr /></blockquote>Yeah, he knows... he emailed me a photo of his "dinghy". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Pep

[ October 29, 2004, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]

ditto Pep about Plan B.

Yea, I know she's been betting my boat. Good thing I don't have it yet. I'll cut her off when there's a REAL threat!

WAT

Believer - Wow - Don't know what to say here.

As others have said - you were 1 of the first to reply to my cry for M help..to support me..in my fragile state - I'll support you now..

Did our spouse wait 2 years or any amount of unhappy times b-4 they found SF outside of the M? NO...

Did they put any effort in saving the M b-4 they sought SF outside of the M??? NO

Did they feel any remorse for how they treated us - NO..

It took a great amount of inner strength for you to move on, alot of prays, crying etc..Finally, you emotionally gave up whether you had SF or not - you moved on - you had to - to survive..to get well..

You WH now wants his M because his A is over..yet when you begged and pleading he shut you out..

As others have told me - I'll know when enough is enough..you crossed that road..let go and continue to enjoy the life you have built w/o him..If it's meant to change it will and no amount of his pulling you will change your mind - no different than when you tried to change his...

I have a feeling that when I finally let go of my M - he'll want back in too..Funny, my WH said he's been "out" for 2 years, then he said 5, then 7 - it would have been nice if he would have told me..So does that mean my 2 years is up??? Since he's been "out" of the M for along time - though he never told me nor did I catch him..We still live together but that's it..

Hugs to you...

Believer, you know that I love what you do here. And I don't want to see you beating yourself up. And I'm certainly not qualified to give thoughts on the religious aspects of having slept with someone else.

What I'm worried about is the damage to your own integrity, your own ethics. And I suspect that's what's really upsetting to you, too.

We all, every one of us, end up doing harm in our lives. Just the need to eat means that we kill something -- plants, if not animals.

When we come upon harm that we have not avoided, then it's a matter of making amends. In this case, well, it's a tough one.

There are three main people involved here. You, your husband, and the man you slept with. They are all, probably, somewhat harmed by what happened. There might be others as well, of course -- you can figure out who they are.

So, really, what I would ask is what I'd ask of anyone who's been in a situation that's caused harm. First, apologize to everyone who's been harmed (including yourself), and ask for forgiveness from everyone (including yourself).

Your H will need a bit of an explanation as to why you're apologizing, of course; otherwise he'll just be confused as all get-out.

The other thing that I would do is to let your husband know that because your actions and his letter happened at the same time, you're going to need time to think through what you want to do. That, too, I think is probably true. You're hurting and upset right now, and that's not a good place to start making major life decisisions.

And then, dear believer, take the time to really forgive yourself. Cry if you need to, for all the things that just haven't gone as planned.

Oh, and one last thing to tell your husband. Ask him to contact the Harleys. If he's serious about wanting to reconcile, then while you're recovering and taking care of yourself, he can start thinking about what's needed.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Just J:

Oh, and one last thing to tell your husband. Ask him to contact the Harleys. If he's serious about wanting to reconcile, then while you're recovering and taking care of yourself, he can start thinking about what's needed. <hr /></blockquote>Perfect!

Yes...
"just" perfect! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pep

Oh, and -- it happens pretty often that when the BS is finally "done" and moving on, the WS wakes up and realizes they're not there anymore.

It may be, believer, that if you hadn't walked into this trap, nothing would have ever changed. That doesn't make it any less of a trap -- just that sometimes the way to freedom means you have to walk in darkness for a little ways, and you have to accept the darkness that's part of you afterwards.

I'm here wondering if maybe you WH didn't catch word of you being seen with another man. Perhaps, that was his real wake up call, and that may have forced some hands against the OW. Just a thought, but, jealousy, oh what a strong emotion it is.

Also, specifically, that is why I stayed away from it. I didn't want my fww home because she was jealous of me being with another woman, I wanted her home because she wanted to be with me.

I think, with your extended time frame, you are just fine. You and your husband could reconcile, it would be a hard walk. But, it could be done. Hang in there.

While not WELL versed in the MB ways, I do have some perspective. What's done is done and you can NOT take it back. You can only move forward. It's HOW you move forward that will make the difference for you.

Also, if you simply don't want your H, then don't have him. Most marriages are worth saving....some just aren't. At this point, only you can make that call.

Do me a favor....do NOT have any more SF until you're legally divorced. Only because it clearly is something that brings you remorse.

Keep your head up!

C

Believer,

U R a good woman who deserves t/b happy. I have read your posts and despite your claims that you are over the WS, I don't think your are over your H.

If he is shedding the WS scales, time will tell. This is the kind of time when even a good BS' mind starts a spinnin'.

Believer, as we have said to others and now to you. Gotta watch his actions and he will watch yours. Too many movies show true loves part and find out years later what is really important.

Well life is not just a movie. There are no commericals. Just reality.

Praying for a clear mind, calm heart, lots of patience and love. Don't think it is all over yet. Confusion is still showing.

Hugz,
L.

As you know, I thought of this nightmare happen to me ... 6 months after plan B, I petitioned the court to give me a legal status back. I was granted and effective 3 months later. I was praying that WW didn't repent before that date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> . I knew I was done and I was puting it on HIS hand, I would of take her back before it is finalized w/ HIS help. I know if HE make her repent HE would of give me the strength and wisdom to make it.

I HATE DIVORCE ... Malachi 2:16

HE has a plan ... surrender your will and let HIS be done.

-rh-

Believer,
I hesitated to post on your thread because this hits so close to home for me. I identify so much with your H in as much that I screwed up and had an A years ago. I never left my W totally though, I just spent alot of time away, blamed it on our communication problems and since I was paying most if not all of the bills I was somehow a decent man. BLAH...my W went and met someone else during this time, she didn't file for D until after she was in love with another man, more blahs....all for her to bounce back and forth between me and OM and YES all these painful acts were done just for what to happen?

Neither my W or I are with any OP.
We are not D.
We are now trying to repair our M and all the pain we inflicted on each other.
My W fights serious depression from guilt of being with OM, and then withdrawal from her A etc....

Look at what we created?

The big difference and I do mean big difference is you decided in your heart and mind that you did not want your H back. You didn't file for D but you made it pretty darn obvious you were tired of waiting for him to wake up. I do not support you seeking SF from OM regardless to it being a one night stand or not, but I don't think that changes a whole lot regarding your M. I know you say your feelings are gone for your H and I'm not talking about your H every winning you back as his W but I mean your H attempting to atone and make amends for the pain he caused you. He could still prove his worthy of the title H to Believer, you doubt it, we might all doubt it, but it is possible
Just look at me Believer.

Please don't kick yourself about SF pleeeeeeeeeeasssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
everyone even the sweetest, nicest, most kind hearted lady can make a mistake, and so can the most warm, kind, benevolent, caring man...but we are not talking about one night of irresponsibility are we?
The true issues was mine/your H/and my W's lengthy foul affairs.

In my mind, I wish you a speedy divorce because I feel your H has hurt you so much that the man he used to be is just a memory. Your H would have to want to start all over with you and show he is a smarter man, a wiser man a man who has learned from his mistakes. This may take YEARS, it took me YEARS and it's still taking me MORE YEARS..either he's down for the work or he isn't and if he isn't he shouldn't even waste your %^#^$#&^ time!

God bless you Believer, I wish you the best...you're only a human doing the best you can to be a good person and sometimes we screw up. Thank you for posting this, you didn't have to no one would have ever known, but SEE that's why we all love you, because you are the type of person who would post this thread.

{{{{{{{BELIEVER}}}}}}}}}}

believer....
Please don't beat yourself up! Your WH left you and you are only human. I don't agree that you are just like him now. You are most definitley not! You were left alone for 2 years with the thought that your M was over.
Whatever you decide I am on your side.
I keep telling myself that I will not get involved with anyone until I am divorced but if someone comes along....I will not turn them away. I know my M is done. I don't want my WH back in the least.
Hang in there and just know that I'm here for you.

Thanks everyone for the support and advice.

JustJ - You are right, I am very disappointed in myself. Right after the ONS, I was exceedingly happy. I think just to have someone (or should I say ANYONE?) want me and hold me. I don't thing OM is hurt. I was very truthful with him and let him know that for me it was just comfort/SF.

Rookkev-

I doubt that I was seen with OM. However I have urged my WH to read here for 22 months. He could have read my posts here on another thread.

c-cub -

You are exactly right. No SF until divorce. I wish that I had stuck to that thought.

Orchid - I think I still love my husband, but not the WH. In his letter to me he repeated what I told him many months ago. He said that I was right, my husband is dead.

Redhat - Actually last week I did surrender my will to the Lord. But I messed up, and let the carnal flesh make decisions for me.

FM- I know that you are going thru your own hard times. I hope you will not give up.

Tree- I have been going through this for a long, long time. My WH moved out (or rather I threw him out) on D-day. My WH has done nothing for me, no money, no help, nada.

I hope that you will not give up like I did. It is strange how you can completely lose all hope. But usually the affair does end. Be sure that if your husband's affair does end, that you have taken the higher road.

((((believer)))

I hadn't posted to you in a while and just wanted to stop in a give you a big FIM hug <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

believer...
My H has also given me no help with money or anything else for that matter.....
I plan to stay faithful until I am officailly divorced. I have never done anything to him and am very proud of that.
I just don't want you to beat yourself up about wanting someone to hold and be close to. It happened..you were left alone and felt that you weren't loved. You are a good woman and you did everything you could to save your M.
If you get back with your WH...I do wish you the best of luck!!

Believer, You have not lost your integrity.

Don't let people undermine your self confidence. The vast number of people here have nothing but admiration for you.

You had finally found a place to be happy. You are Cinderella and there are a few ugly sisters on your thread who haven't learnt the art of being gracious yet.

Be strong Cinders! And keep looking for that other shoe!

AN

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Orchid - I think I still love my husband, but not the WH. In his letter to me he repeated what I told him many months ago. He said that I was right, my husband is dead. <hr /></blockquote>The aftermath of an affair/abuse/addictions.... is like the aftermath of a hurricane. Debris is everywhere, people are hurt, some seriously. You walk up to the place you used to call home, and nothing but the foundation remains & It needs work too! What a mess. So step by step you clear out the wreckage, repair or repair the foundation and rebuild the house. Would we walk away from our home & say it's damaged, I'll just leave.

Our relationships may be in the same state - debris everywhere..... why would we expect them to be any different than the aftermath of a hurricane?

The first thing to be assessed in a home is it's foundation, is it cracked? Is it repairable? Does it need to be destroyed and completely repoured? In our relationships, our foundation is the Lord. If not built on the solid rock, then it won't last.

I would never say to accept unacceptable behavior, but I also know God can do mighty things. He parted the Red Sea, rose from the dead, turned water into wine........ why do we have trouble thinking He is greater than our circumstances. God is in the heart changing business. God can change your WH's heart, so that he repents, turns his life over to the care of God and be of maximum service to God and others.

God can also heal broken hearts. God can help us to trust again when warranted. God can heal broken marriages. God can heal our brokeness. If we let Him. God can change your WH. God can warm hearts.

You made a covenent before God, the legal part is just a formality. Stay M or DV, just stay true to yourself and your God.

I let my WH back into our lives without seeing a true committment on his part. His actions did not match his words. If I was able to do that part over again, I would not have let him come home untill I saw a firm committment in actions. But I still would persue it again even knowing what I know now, just differently. There were a number of times I was going to file for Dv, but each time God would get my attention, sometimes in bizarre ways & I would be obedient to God.

My prayers and hugs are with you.

Blessings,

D.

[ October 29, 2004, 11:31 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]

believer,

We are human and we are sinful ... but HE has bought us w/ HIS blood for all the sin that we did, we do and we will do !. You know that OM is ONS type, stay away and put NC ... you still have unfinished business.

In DV care we beleive that reconsiliation is first whenever possible until either partner is re-M again. Actually I have a huge issue with this. I have no feeling and I am done w/ my exW ... if she knock my front door and she is repentant ... I would close the door. However I know I am acting rightous and not obedient. In my sinful mind ... I am hoping that she get re-M ... I put myself in the market <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> to get re-M. That was also the reason I push for status change and not wait.

It is easy to say now ... I pray that I don't have to face that day. I pray for you to have the wisdom to see and to make decision that you would not regret and at peace w/ HIM.

-rh-

Believer,

This may have been said already.

I wonder if on some level you knew WH was running out of $ and would soon be back, hat in hand. So you found a way to erect a barrier, if even a flimsy one, to the emotions you thought you might have when he did.

You write pretty convincingly that you have no feelings for him any more. You write it a lot. To paraphrase Shakespeare, â€œMethinks the lady doth protest too much.â€

OTOH, I wouldnâ€™t take him back even as just a friend.

You kept a candle in the window more than long enough.

Just some junk-food for thought.

T

{{{Believer}}}

You have given me so many inspirational things to think about here at MBers thru your posts! so for that I truly thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This last year for me R has been a trial....and the Lord has done what he has promised! He has "worked all things to our good".

I can not sit and judge you for anything Believer....you know what the bible tells us about that!

The only thing I want to say to you is this and it is ONLY because you are a Believer that I will say it!
God makes it very clear that we should do all we can to bring people to him....that even includes our FWS's (especially them!!) God does not like to lose even one of his sheep Believer!!.....you might be the only HOPE that God has to bring H back to him. It doesn't mean that you must be with him. (M) It just means it is our duty to remain true to what God commands us to do as christians.

I know you are a wonderful christian woman. I know that we all fall Believer. I know!!! and God will forgive a repentant sinner. Sometimes though our job is sooooo difficult and we choose to do what we want to do. Not what God wants us to do.

Im talking about leading H back to God Believer....not anything else!

For in this life....the only relationship that christians find bring real JOY to their lives is with Christ.

And believer you know that God did not make us so we could be happy right??? His plan if we follow it will bring us JOY but he did not ever promise us that we were here to be happy.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and you know what?? Im glad for that! I prefer the joy I get from him!

You are a strong christian woman Believer and you have been thru soooooo much! Your faith has been stronger than most! Pray Believer....there is a reason God is even putting this on your HEART right now. Just be weary of Pride......find your grace it's right there!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Blessings,
Atruheart

Yeah, believer -- I know how you feel. Sometimes the things we do in the moment feel great, but they mess with us for a long time afterwards.

I dunno whether OM was harmed or not, but chances are that he was even if he doesn't know it. Plenty of men do casual sex without ever figuring out what it does to them. They seem to think that it has absolutely no bearing on their ability to build an intimate and strong relationship in the future. I think they're full of you-know-what, myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

In any case, I'm wondering what you've decided to do about it all?

Dear believer:

very interesting to read what our MBfriends here think about your situation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I only have one comment for you:
I hope it was good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

For out MBfriends: Please guys, remember the concept of the taker. Believer's giver has been working overtime for two years (IMHO 22 months IS two years...end of story and discussion for that matter). She DESERVED this ONS with the guy ON A YACHT (Oh those stars, the sea and the wind...I'm jealous <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ). So give her a little leeway here.

She is emotionally done with WH, rightfully so. I just hope that she gets back to liking the yacht guy (read her first post that sounded pretty positive to me).

Believer: you already know what YOU want. Don't let some people here make you feel bad. You deserve happiness. You deserve to be loved. H has lost ANY rights to your loyalty by his outrageous behavior.

BAM!

Have that giver retreat to the back closet for the time being...nurture your taker.

Yikes - it was not a yacht, but a nice sailboat. The sad thing is I have been so alone and starved for affection, that it could have been anyone. I know lots of folks here understand that.

It was wonderful at the time, but now I feel very bad about it. I wasn't meant to have sex without attachment. I no longer have feelings for any man.

Sorry, Ice, don't agree with you on this one. No one has the "right" to use someone else as a sexual appliance to nurture his/her "taker" -- even if the OP is asking for it. That's the "right" that enables the WSs to say that "BS isn't treating me as I 'deserve,' therefore I have the 'right' to extramarital sex." It's dehumanizing to everyone -- OP may not respect him/herself, but you don't have the right to exploit that to feel good about YOURself.

Similarly, the idea that believer is only "technically" married is the same excuse the WSs use. After all, suppose the WS meets someone wonderful and doesn't "feel" married fifteen minutes later -- are they only "technically" married? After a ONS, for example, they may now "feel" married to someone else -- should they act accordingly? The point of MB is to base marriage on something deeper than a transient sexual "feeling" -- like a commitment, for example, or a love that's deeper than being "in love."

It's also to think a little bit less about one's "rights" and a little more about others. There's all sorts of ways to "nourish one's taker" without using one's genital organs.

Don't mean to get down on the posters here -- and I'm not condemning believer's behavior. Her situation is borderline in many ways. But if we establish the principles correctly, we will be better able to see what's going on.

As someone in the throes of a very nasty D, I can truly sympathize with any form of going bonkers -- but that doesn't mean I have to endorse it, in myself or others.

[ October 30, 2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: A.M.Martin ]

ALL of us want to be loved, and many times we are so starved for that love that we reach a point where we are willing to settle for just a few minutes or hours of it. What we fail to realize is that by allowing ourselves to have sex with a person we're not married to and being emotionally wounded from a previous committed relationship we are opening up a Pandora's box of troubles that could take years to resolve and leave us far worse than we were before.

Beleiver I am sure that the above words are nothing new to you but they still are worth repeating because hopefully we can avoid repeating the mistakes of yesterday.

oops

[ October 31, 2004, 11:01 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]

believer,

prayin for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

[ October 31, 2004, 10:59 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]

I no longer have feelings for any man.

Believer this is the saddest thing I have read in a while on here.

I pray God will unbind your heart and release you to feel ALIVE once again.

Dear believer, I won't pray God for you.
For you don't need it! Thanks God, not anymore! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Nor I feel sorry for you. Just joy for you, such a nice and kind lady, who's getting out of your WH/M darkness and nightmares. Finally!

All is left to wish you luck and peace in your mind in the future!

You stated: "I no longer have feelings for any man."

Why would you? Unless the one work very hard on convincing you they deserves your love again.
I have no doubt that day will come... even yet, you have yourself back, and that make all the difference.

Many regards and best wishes to you!

<blockquote>quote:<hr />You write pretty convincingly that you have no feelings for him any more. You write it a lot. To paraphrase Shakespeare, â€œMethinks the lady doth protest too much.â€

OTOH, I wouldnâ€™t take him back even as just a friend.

You kept a candle in the window more than long enough.<hr /></blockquote>Very right and very close to my case...
I still love him, and will naver take him back... as H...
As a friend? Might... IF he becomes an honest person... (How could you be even 'just friends' if because of lies you cannot rely on someone's words?...)
...Thousands of my candles are dead and I'm not a (so much <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) masochist to replace it over and over and over...

Hey believer

heard you were a bit down & wanted to say that its not unusual to feel like you do at all.
Its much like the feelings or lack of them my guys have and I've got a mad assed theory that I tell them & goes like this....
You know after going through a lot of experiences that you hope your worst enemy wouldn't experience, its quite naural for you to feel that way about people, in your case men of course.
Its like the bucket that held all your emotions has had a hole in it draining all your feelings away a bit at a time. All of us have ways to plug that hole, religion, drinking, activity, sex, compassion, love etc etc, we all find something to plug the hole.
You'll find yours, perhaps family, perhaps helping others, whatever, and you'll find the bucket starting to fill again. The you will see that its not so dark and lonely here.

I have a bit more that is 'work' related that won't say much to you but just know eventually it will happen.

Mmmm it might work for me too you know.

what would believer tell believer????

that is the question I keep pondering...

just J..hit this post where I believe believer lives...

We all adore believer...she is always the first to post to new posters....

it is difficult to tell her what she did was wrong....

and yet believer herself knows it was...
and to tell her differently even with all the good wishes of happiness we have for her...doesn't serve her well...

FACT
Believer is a Good Woman
Believer is a Godly Woman.

those qualities she holds dear to herself....
and it serves others here and in the real world well....

so you we hear you believer as we struggle to bandage and soothe you....

we do hear you...

what would believer tell believer...???

ark

Hey believer, I so agree with you. Sex without attachment was something I did in my youth, when I was even more of a nut than I am now. It made me feel... sick. Dirty, unclean, awful. If that's how you're feeling, man oh man I feel with you.

So -- what are you doing about it? There are a lot of cleansing rituals that different belief systems have, from Catholic confessional to the new age crystals. I know you're a Christian, so I'm not sure what kind of cleansing might work best for you, but please think about it. If you don't have anything you're really comfortable with, you might try getting into a calm, meditative/prayerful state and then doing visualizations of the negative energy (I guess if you're a Christian you'd call this sin?) leaving your body and being taken up by the universe (I guess maybe giving it to Christ would be the right analogy?).

I'm kinda floundering here, and I guess what I would say is that no matter what anyone else thinks of what you did (including all the positive and negative comments that have been made here), YOU feel bad about it and are struggling -- and that's enough for me to say that healing and cleansing seem like good things to focus on right now.

Oh, and the no feelings for any man thing? Totally understandable. There's some powerful stuff that happens when sexual energy is released, and when you got hurt with it, it makes complete sense to me that you would immediately throw up some really high emotional walls. That's totally okay -- it gives you the time you need. They'll come down as you figure out where you're going and what you're going to do next.

Have you cried, believer?

Believer,

I am pretty sure that by now, you have gone to God and asked him to forgive you.

Would you withhold the same mercy ,grace and forgiveness to your husband that He has shown to you?

You are even, do you see?

You both messed up. Maybe in his mind your husband was looking for needs to be met , the same as you.

He has changed his mind, repented of his sin, it seems.

The feelings are just feelings.
Love is a decision; a choice, not a feeling.
Forgiveness is a decision, nothing to do with feelings.

It may be that when you have forgiven one another , the feelings will return.

This is a good starting place, I think.

love,
Shul

{{{{{{{{{{Believer}}}}}}}}}}

I am still hear, reading your story, thinking about you. You are in my prayers. I believe that everything that makes us feel poopy, is a lesson we have not yet learned.

As our MC says, this can be another FANTASTIC learning opportunity for you!

Love, Amy

Hi B,

I too have followed your story all this time since almost a year ago.I don't want to come down hard on ya but can I say how disappointed I am? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

You fell into the same trap WS's do: you felt entitled due to all you had been through but you know it wasn't right and now you will most likely not ever see this guy again.I agree you have given it your best all this time and you have given so much support to so many but what a way to end it.I had so much hope in you that you would do the right thing all the way til the very end.What I think you missed was filing for a D first and putting that part of your life away,on the shelf, before moving on to another encounter.

I don't think that being such a wonderful woman as you are excuses what you did in any way though,as much as the fine folks here would like to do.I personally just know that I could not have any contact with another man until I am divorced,once and for all.I want to be able to say that I was faithful until I was no longer supposed to be.I am just disappointed that such a strong,intelligent woman made a choice like you did.If we all keep making choices and excuses like this,what's the point of marriage?

Anyway,I have always hoped for the best for you and I still do.

O

[ October 31, 2004, 01:13 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]

Thanks for all of the input. I do feel very badly about the ONS. I have always believed that a marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman and the Lord.

My WH broke the covenant, but I had intended to keep it.

I never thought this would happen to me, because I did so well for so long. Oh Well. I guess it can happen to anyone.

Hi believer - How does the old saying go, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think that you deserve commendation for what you have put up with and done to try and save your M. You are being way to hard on yourself. What if you had waited another 2 months, done the same, and your H came back to you then, would that have been better?

It's happened, you need to move past it and forgive yourself as you have done many a time to you WS.
Remember, you to are a human being with feelings, wants and need. Strangely enough you may be slightly imperfect. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thinking of you - RM

[ October 31, 2004, 09:43 PM: Message edited by: RenaissanceMan ]

believer,

We all know that you are a human just like anyone else, and we all know that ANYONE is vulnerable to temptation. I doubt if anyone here is "blaming" or "judging" because of what happened the other night.

Now, you could feel enormous guilt, punish yourself, and generally feel badly about yourself. May I make a suggestion? I believe most would call this a "bad situation" but you are a godly woman, and I know that you have a relationship with God, and "...all things work together for good to them that love God, for them who are the called according to His purpose..." (Romans 8:28) even this.

believer, never forget this...He uses ALL things for good, not just the "good" things or the "godly" things, but even the MESSY things and the UGLY things!

In this instance, believer, you are well known for being the first person to respond to those who write here. You have a heart filled with compassion and sympathy. Yet, there is a certain BS state-of-mind that just doesn't understand what a WS goes through...or how they get there...or how that guilt feels once they do realize what they've done.

Dearest sister, please use this momentary slip as a way of finding understanding and compassion for our WS co-warriors. Not that it's any "excuse" but now you have a wonderful understanding of how years and years of unmet EN's leave a person vulnerable. Now you have firsthand knowledge of what that guilt feels like--in a small way--for even a momentary slip in judgement...much less coming to grips with destroying your family and permanently harming your own children. God can use this instance of human fraility to bring you compassion and understanding for WS's.

(((((believer)))))

CJ

[ October 31, 2004, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulNewCJ ]

believer,

you sound so sad. Is it because you have damaged your self image? You seem to be a person who has very high standards and expectations of yourself. It sounds to me like you need to be just a little bit kinder to yourself...

I think the issues about what your WH wants now and what you have done in your life are not related at all. I am guessing that you have learnt a huge amount over the last 2 years - still you're not perfect but you're generally happy with how you've come out of this, is that right?
Sounds like it might well be a hard road for your WH over the next few years, because he has a lot to learn.

My FWW is a good person who did a very bad thing that hurt lots of people very badly.

Believer is a very good person who did a bad thing that seems to have hurt nobody but herself.

That good people can do stupid and bad things without being REDEFINED as 'bad people' is one of the primary lessons I have learned through my own infidelity trauma.

Please everyone don't project your bitterness towards your own WS onto Believer. She hasn't hurt YOU, and I guess needs no words from us to make her feel like poop.

* edited for spelling *

[ November 01, 2004, 05:26 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Please everyone don't ptoject your bitterness towards your own WS onto Believer. She hasn't hurt YOU, and I guess needs no words from us to make her feel like poop. <hr /></blockquote>That's exactly what's hapenning here (most) and exactly how I see many replies...
So sad...

Believer, don't allow this putting you down, and please distinguish this...
and many regards and support from me, a BSneverbeenWS who never sees you as a WS.

[ November 01, 2004, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]

Argh.I knew this thread was headed exactly where it's going.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION that believer is a wonderful woman,has given it her best with her WH,waited,prayed,helped other's,supported all of us,etc.But,what I see is this fine line being crossed again about allowances and entitlement.Why are there people here making excuses and suggesting this was something she needed to do when we are all here fighting Infidelity??? If we all agree that adultery is never the answer to anything then why are there allowances now? Just because believer is a sweet person with a good heart shall we say "Oh well,do what you must"? Do we each have a statement like that in our mind ready to give into at any given time?

And just because some of us are not jumping on the bandwagon of support for believers decision we are getting accused of being judgemental or being bitter <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> That is completely inappropriate and uncalled for! It's similar to calling people "unpatriotic" because you don't subscribe to us being at war or vote for Bush and therefore don't support our troops.Far from the truth.

How is this any different then stealing? Robbing a bank? Hitting some person on the street? We know it's wrong,but should there ever be an excuse to forget that?

Believer has been here for over a year now,like many of us.We have been with her through it all.She knows right from wrong.What if this time her WH was really being truthful? I know that is a long shot but how can any of us be sure? Only and only until we are actually DIVORCED should we be involved with another man or woman and even then after some introspection and healing.There is absloutely NO justification for Infidelity and there never will be.I don't care how many emotional needs aren't being met.Get D'd FIRST.

IMVHO,that is where believer made her mistake but she also made a choice not to do that,after all this time and then have sex with this other guy.If we all have this potential to cheat in our minds and hearts because we allow it to be there if times are tough,and our fiances knew this ahead of time,do you think people would still be getting married?

If I am up at the alter taking vows and with the knowledge that my MARRIAGE means,among other things,being loved and protected from pain and harm by my spouse but in the back of his mind he has an out clause("I'm not happy anymore","It's over anyway","We just grew apart","I have to do this for me",etc),am I still going to be getting married? Nope.Marriage is supposed to be as sacred from day one until the very day we are no longer married(even longer for some).That is a reponsibility we ALL have despite what our spouses are doing.

We all have to able to speak our minds here openly without confrontation.Debate is good but when people start labeling you just because you don't agree that's unfair.And it's also,in my mind,irresponsible not to own up to what we as adults already know as truth.Denial it powerful but it gets you nowhere.

O

OG I haven't intended to label anyone, I just felt B. was getting a rougher deal than remorseful WS normally get on this fine forum.

Mebbe we apply higher standards to her 'cos shes a BS like us, who should know how painful such behaviour can be ?

I dunno.

Believer - I, unfortunately, don't have a lot of time this morning to formulate an adequate post for you and the many issues that are involved. So just a few quick thoughts for now.

1. Married or not, sex outside of marriage is a sin. So you sinned. "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." "For this reason Christ came into the world...."

2. There is only one "unforgiveable sin" and it is NOT adultery or fornication.

3. Feelings of love nothwithstanding, you ARE married since you are not yet divorced. Feelings, even lack of feelings, lie to us all the time. They give "excuses" and "justifications" for sinful behavior, but it's not right.

4. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone" is operative to all of us. However, it is not "casting a stone," meant to kill, to stand up for God's clear commands and direction. It is a Christian's "duty" to lovingly talk to a fellow believer who has fallen prey to sin.

5. Our human nature is NOT an excuse for sin. It IS something that we have to deal with all of our lives and we "deal with it" through obedience to God's commands no matter what we are feeling at any given time. "Just this once," or it's "I've waited long enough," ARE excuses, but they are not justification for sin. That's why Moses didn't get to go into the promised land when he struck the rock more than once in anger and frustration over the people's demands for things "their way."

6. You have erected a defensive wall around your heart. Understandable in light of all that you have gone through, but not what God wants from you or me. Only you can decide when to knock down a few of the stones and install a drawbridge. Only you can decide when, and if, you will lower the drawbridge and allow someone inside your "castle."

7. God is a God of miracles. Usually about the time we, in all of our human wisdom, consider something to be hopeless.... "Is anything too hard or impossible for God?"

8. "It's not fair!!!!" Perhaps not, but OUR purpose in life is to bring honor and glory to God, not to be "treated fairly" by anyone. "Fair treatment," especially in the case of a spouse, is predicated on both of you being believers and being obedient to God's commands. As you both walk closer with Christ and become closer to God, you WILL be closer and "fairer" with each other. God IS the head and center of all Christian marriages. The "trouble" comes when we "get impatient" and kick Him off the throne and install ourselves in that position. After all, WE do know best, don't we?

9. Even some Christian marriages fail. Now is not the time to go into all the "reasons" why they fail. However, should a Christian marriage end in divorce, it is well to admonish the believer to be extremely careful about future involvements, especially remarriage. Putting God first in our lives means that, in such a situation, we are dating only people who are grounded in their faith and that should we marry again, it be only to another believer who is equally committed to God being the center and Lord of your marriage.

10. As Harley has said, we are all "potential" wayward spouses. Emotional Needs, unmet, are powerful driving forces. Without the anchor of Christ, or with taking our eyes off of Christ, it is easy to succumb to "wrong choices." We ARE human. We HAVE a sin nature. We are not different from Paul who said:

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is not longer myself wo do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; ni, the evil I do not want to do - this is keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God - through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law mighy tbe fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. (Rom.7:21-8:4 NIV)

Believer, there is much more that needs to be said, but you have the same resource that I have. Go to your Scriptures and read. Go directly to God in prayer. He knows your heart is listening for you. God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins when we confess and repent of them, for Christ's sake.

There is, therefore, no condemnation....

God bless you and continue to teach and to use all things in our lives to work for good, in order to bring us closer to Him in our daily walk.

Hi Bob,

I don't think that anyone is immune to some difficult discussion here.We can be just as firm with a BS as a WS.That's the beauty of MB.We don't let anyone get away with poor choices or bad behavior,not from all the knowledge we aquire plus all the experiences we share.We all care about each other here,it's our safe place.

But,I think that once a BS is questioned about their motives/choices and maybe that it wasn't the best choice or even a choice that should never have been made,we get a little protective of each other but it should be ok.If all we are doing is placating everyone here,where's the growth? Isn't that why we have 2x4's? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> We are much more intelligent here than that.

I hold my children accountable for their actions and responsibilities.I hold them to high standards and expectations every day.Not unrealistic ones mind you but ones that I truly beleive are important and make this world a better place.Why would I accept any different from adults?

The difference I see,however,is that the adults around me and that I know are making ever more selfish and greedy choices for the good of oneself than for the good of mankind or family.I would really love to see each and every one of us start to turn the tide on broken marriages and families.We deserve better and more importantly,so do our children.I for one am trying to make a difference by living in a way that I can be proud of and that God would be proud of.

O

Oh for God's sake-you are only human. Do not beat yourself up. So he wants back in? Funny how he comes around when you have moved on-men sennse those things.

I'd just be honest and tell WS-I waited but gave up when you gave me no hope. I am sorry, I've met someone. I'd say, we can talk, but it is going to take a great deal for you to win me back. Put the ball in his court and be honest. He brought this on, now he needs to deal with it. Maybe he won't want to get back together if he knows you were with someone else. WS can be hipocrits. OK for them, but not OK for the BS.

PLEASE...I am pro marriage, but this WS needs to feel the consequences of his actions. God is just-maybe there still is hope for this marriage, but maybe God wants WS to feel the consequenses of his actions.

Believer-you ARE only human. I see very little difference between 22 mo and 24 mo. WS has a great deal to make up for if he wants back in. I'd say your LB for him is at 0. He did this-he pays.

Believer

It does not matter how much we want to ease your pain right now by what we say here, you are the one who is feeling the disress over this.
But know there are a awful lot of people here who care.

I know that those boundaries you created were very important to you and so they should be. Its a measure of self worth and integrity.
But one action which you consider to be a 'mistake' cannot take away what you have foguht for or gained. Remember to put it in context to the peace within yourself.

How are you actually going right now within yourself? Aussie said he dropped in to say hello from work one night and said to keep that chin up girl! I second it.
I do hope you are finding your life good for you & can wish you only happiness.

Believer,

I so admire you and other Mber's here...., I mostly lurk and learn from everyone here, but I wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers, and maybe this is God's answer to your prayers, who knows, God thoughts are not ours, his ways are not our ways, and everything happens for a reason. Maybe the season with your husband is past, maybe not, only God knows. Use this time to pray meditate and quietly listen for Gods voice, he speaks to us, we just need to be still and listen. I know you are adamant (sp), about not wanting to reconcile with your WH, BUT, Be still for a moment and listen....you will find the answer to the question you now have.

A poem for you....

When everything is pleasant and bright
and the things we do turn out just right
We feel without question that God is real
For, when we are happy how good we feel...
but when the tides turn and gone is the song
And misffortunes comes and our plans go wrong
Doubt creeps in and we start to wonder, and our
thooughts about God are torn asunder, for we feel
deserted in time of deep stress.
Without God's presence to assure us and bless...
and it is then when our senses are reeling, we
realize clearly it's faith not feeling....
For it takes great faith to patiently wait, believing God comes not too soon or too late.

Warmest Regards,
HurtinOne

Debate is good but when people start labeling you just because you don't agree that's unfair

You seem to be doing some labeling yourself, Octobergirl. A little self righteousness coming across in your thread.

For example you said:

Only and only until we are actually DIVORCED should we be involved with another man or woman and even then after some introspection and healing.There is absloutely NO justification for Infidelity and there never will be.I don't care how many emotional needs aren't being met.Get D'd FIRST.

I don't agree with that statement, so are you going to label me? I believe it is completely up to the individual to decide for themselves when to get involved with another man or woman. It is not up to what Octobergirl thinks is right for them. Are you going to label me for that view?

And just because some of us are not jumping on the bandwagon of support for believers decision we are getting accused of being judgemental or being bitter

YOU ARE being judgemental. You just don't want to admit it. How about your life? Anything you do that may possibly be against God's word? do you lie? do you cheat? do you gossip? do you worry? do you have a log in your own eye? In my opinion you are coming across as self righteous. You may want to take a quick look at your own life and see if there are any areas for improvement. Let us know your faults, then let us "disagree" with them, and then tell us how you feel...

Keep movin,

It's interesting to me why you are here,on a marriage building site,and are all but advocating Infidelity as a proper choice for if and when anyone feels the need.Is it being judgmental if I am stating the obvious? Do you really believe that there is justification for adultery? I am not being judgmental here.Point out one person to me besides a WS that's in the fog and making excuses that believes adultery is a right choice.You must be joking.

If we want analyze every aspect of each other's lives,I'd be more than happy to go head to head.BUT,we are mainly talking about Infidelity here,adultery,having sex with another man/woman WHILE STILL MARRIED.Even though we know believer has tried her best and is a Godly woman with much care and support for so many and we care about her,it was still wrong to do what she did.I am not labeling you anything if you disagree with me but essentially what you are disagreeing with is this notion of Infidelity being wrong,is that not correct? I don't think this is all about Octobergirl as you suggest.This site is shrouded in the pain and fallout of the destructive nature of cheating and most,if not all agree.Just read,you know it is.

I took the liberty of reading all your past posts,all 9 anyway even though I realize you have been here a long time.I am not sure what made you single out my response but maybe it's that you don't appreciate the truth.We are not talking about a disagreement,say,about politics or about a broader issue such as Child Care.We are talking about an issue that,many times over has been described as the most painful,hurtful and disprespectful decision a person can make against a spouse.

There is not one aspect to adultery that is positive in my opinion.If you would say that perhaps some people wake up and finally see that their marriage was in trouble as an example I have heard here,well,I can certainly think of many other ways in which to get a point across besides such an abhorrent one.

As for my own life,I review it daily and it's become so commonplace for me to "keep myself in check" that this is the way I live now.My family and friends have not one thing bad to say about me or have any grievances because there just aren't any.I don't drink,smoke,cheat,I don't lie and I certainly try to be the best I can be at all times if not most of the time.I try not to let people down and I am always true to my word.The list goes on and this is not a self scripted statement,it is what I have been told by those closest to me,patients I have taken care of and families and friends of my own and other's.

Yes,it is up to every individual to decide for themselves when to get involved with another man or woman,but hopefully it will not be a choice made such as the WS's here that is selfish and painful and above all,not a second before you are divorced first.Why get married if you are going to cheat? And please don't say that people don't plan on it or it just happens.That is nothing but an excuse.If you believe that everyone has a right to get involved with another whenever they please,then why don't you go on a tour and tell this to all the broken families,hurting children and spouses and explain to them why you think so.

O

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by keepmovn4wrd:


YOU ARE being judgemental. You just don't want to admit it. How about your life? <hr /></blockquote>Is that your judgement?

You do realize that you are violating your own principle with that remark, don't you? It is a self refuting statement.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I don't agree with that statement, so are you going to label me? I believe it is completely up to the individual to decide for themselves when to get involved with another man or woman.<hr /></blockquote>Just as it is up to OctoberGirl to decide what is right and wrong based on her standards. You can't say that all standards are equally valid and then reject HERS in the next breath. That would hypocritical, don't ya think, and destroy your premise as you did above?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Believerrrrr...what a thread you have here....i remember another thread like this...was it eric??? He had gone done something like this and end up getting a lot of responds too.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just dont let whatever get you down...keep ME update...i want to know whether you are still heading for D or considering talking to WH...take care

Hi everyone. Sheesh, hope we don't get an argument started here.

It has always been my fondest desire to have my husband back. And then for me to betray my vows just a couple of days before he stopped seeing OW is very, very sad.

I always had the self-respect to know that at least I was honoring the marriage. Now that is gone. It was a HUGE mistake. I've been depressed all week.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by believer:


I always had the self-respect to know that at least I was honoring the marriage. Now that is gone. It was a HUGE mistake. I've been depressed all week. <hr /></blockquote>You need to knock that off, believer. If God can forgive you, so can you. Don't judge yourself by your mistakes, but by how you handle them. And you have handled this correctly, believer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yeah, I know what it's like to make a choice, then regret it. Actually, I think we all have. PLEASE remember, Believer, that "all is not lost." All is never lost.

Personally, what I think you need, is to have your WH over and confess to him. Tell him what your goals were, what you intended to do - wait for him or D. Even if he doesn't consider what you did wrong, because of all he has done. Tell him you need to tell him, and make it right with him. That puts you on the road to making it right with YOU.

That is what I would do. I have been thinking about you a lot. Remember, my H had a ONS in Korea when he was stationed there for a year, with a prostitute. That hurt SOOO much when he confessed to me. But knowing there was no EMOTIONAL attachment, no CONTINUING contact, eased my mind a lot and helped me heal.

H's EA/PA was 500,000 times (at LEAST) as painful as that ONS. I know you don't intend to have a EA/PA with this guy, but . . . you don't want to deceive by omission the man who is still technically your H. I guess I am talking about damage control (hurting his feelings LESS at this point), and (more important to me) begin cleansing out your own wound.

The saying is so true, Believer - "The truth will set you free."

Of course, after all that typing I realize you may have already done just that, but . . . I type because I love ya, girlie. I have thought about Ark's question to you - What would Believer tell Believer? I think you would tell Believer that all is not lost, and to fess up.

Love you!

Spider Slayer

{{{{B}}}},

I will agree with you about the mistake part but,just like we can forgive and recover with our WS's if we both want it and work for it,I have no doubt you are already forgiven and will be on your way.You realize what was done and can get back to the honor and integrity you spoke of so many times here.

O

Melody -

I know that I need to get over it, but it is like the FWS's here. When you go against your beliefs, there is a price to pay - self disgust.

You know the old saying, "Don't give up a day before the miracle".

But I'm sure I'll get over this too.

WH is still not seeing OW, and she is still living with her daughter and husband. He and I still talk. I broke the news to him, and he lets me know what is going on.

I am very happy that she is home with her 12 year old daughter again, who she almost completely abandoned. The little girl is the one who was most hurt by all of this.

Of course we have no idea what happened as both my WH and OW are maintaining their code of silence. And it could be just another trick. But OW's husband thinks that they did break up.

{{{believer}}}

I've always appreciated your advice on this forum. Sometimes people make mistakes. Especially when vulnerable. I'm sure 22 months without your H left you pretty vulnerable. Geeze, after 2 months I had gave into the temptation. I felt miserable but I came to the conclusion that I'm not a horrible person and I made a mistake. If you want to be with your husband, you will have to be honest with him and expect nothing more from him than what you felt when you found out about his A.

You are a good person no matter what you may think now. You can still work on your marriage. I have high hopes for you.

I don't get this:

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by believer:
Last weekend............

Since then, we have seen each other every day. <hr /></blockquote>Then, you say:
<blockquote>quote:<hr />I always had the self-respect to know that at least I was honoring the marriage. Now that is gone. It was a HUGE mistake. I've been depressed all week.<hr /></blockquote>IF!! you are depressed for not "honoring the marriage" and that was a "HUGE mistake" (for you are still married), then - why have you kept seeing him??
Isn't it a continuation of "dishonoring the marriage", seeing every day someone you had sex with (and you are still married)?

[ November 01, 2004, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: Belonging to Nowhere ]

Belonging -

Yes, I did see him everyday for about 4 days, until the regret kicked in. Since then we have talked, and I let him know that I do not want a relationship, which he really knew before.

This is a man who has been a friend for a long time. Now I am not comfortable being friends.

OK, I (think I) got it all... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Believer, I haven't been on board for few day and missed this.

Your Wh said the same thing again and again for how many months already. Which time is true? The more he said that the more you worn out. In my opinion, go get your happy life and a man who can honor and respect you.

I am going more toward this route now. Wh behaves the same, disappearing sometime. But while he was home, he does all the work from dishes, laundry, cooking, to taking out of garbage, cleaning out gutters, rake leaves etc. But he is not here, he is an alien to me. Last Friday was my BD, he bought me gifts worths about $800 and cooked me a nice dinner, with cake. but he was gone the next day. I am getting fed up with this. Plan B is very very close. My mind is made up. I am not afriad anymore.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I know that I need to get over it, but it is like the FWS's here. When you go against your beliefs, there is a price to pay - self disgust.
<hr /></blockquote>Believer - An understandable feeling, and actually a good one. It would seem to be the Holy Spirit working in your life, doing what He is there to do. That leads to what you have already expressed; conviction, repentance, and forgiveness.

Believer, consider the "degree" of what you did in light of someone else....say David. Yours was not "premediated" and did not involve lieing and deceit and outright planning the murder of someone else's spouse. Yet, when "confronted" and "convicted" of his sin David was convicted, repented and sought God's forgiveness, just as you have done. God forgave him and used him mightily AFTER that time. Yes, there was a consequence, but after the consequence David put on clean clothes and moved forward in obedience to God.

That is where you are today, it would seem. Is there a "level playing field" between you and your husband now? Probably not all that level considering all that he has put you through, but certainly more "level" in the knowing that none of is "immune" from sin. Again, it is not so much the committing of a sin as it is how we respond to the Holy Spirit's conviction of that sin and in renewing our efforts to follow God in humble obedience.

Believer, God has forgiven you and you must also reach the point where your "spiritual" side can forgive your "human" side. A sin, sins, or mistakes, do NOT define, or have to define, who we are as forgiven sinners all.

This is an opportunity for you to really receive the "love of God" into your heart. The walls around your heart may be thick and high, but so were the walls of Jerico. With God, nothing is impossible and God WILL use all the events in our lives to work for good to bring Him honor and glory through our lives. Perhaps by really accepting God's love for you, you will be able to install that "drawbridge" I spoke of in my previous post. I don't profess to know what is going on, but I do find it very interesting that this event should occur JUST when your husband's situation with the OW was crumbling into dust.

I hope that your husband is also a born-again believer because, if so, God is going to be teaching him some very hard lessons now. There are NO guarantees that you and he will continue as a married couple, but God's first order of business is to have both of you, individually, surrender your lives to Him. Only when that "step" is first accomplished will either of you be able to "love as God first loved us."

You are in my prayers. May God continue to lead you in growth and understanding and wisdom and love.

God bless. (((((believer)))))

Believer, I just caught up with your thread. I am all for values, sticking to our M vows, integrity, etc. But I have to say it deeply offends me if you or others refer to you as a WS, or the man as an OP. You tried to get those D papers to your H. He was playing games with you, stalling you. Maybe he was trying to see if he and the OW would be splitting or not. This behavior could have easily gone on for another 2 months.

As I said in the other post I wrote you, I believe God works in all sorts of ways. If you truly went against your own values, then dust yourself off and get back on track. But please, don't put yourself in the same chategory as someone who is lying, cheating, betraying the person they are married to and living with. This is JMHO, so 2x4's aren't necessary. Let's just agree to disagree. We all have one thing in common. We love Believer and wish her the best! CV

lostnhurt - Glad to see you posting again. And a belated Happy Birthday to you.

I know WH has constantly said that he would be, could be, should be breaking up with OW, but it never lasted more than a day. And I still don't know if this is real, or just one more manuever.

Foreverhers - The timing is very strange. I don't know when they may have broken up. OW's husband found out that OW and my WH went on a week long vacation together, and when they got back, she moved out of my WH's home and back to her husband.

So it all happened within a day or two, but I'll probably never know anymore than that.

I'm continuing to get back on the right path.

Thanks all for the support.

Well finally heard from WH today. He wants to come over and talk to me. I asked him if he and OW were still not seeing each other. He said they were not. I asked him what happened, and he said it was a long story.

I told him that we have had lots of talks, and no action. Asked him to write me another letter.

Thinking of you {{B}}. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

believer, I still want to know what you're doing for you. You said you were depressed, and you sound like you are. Or... perhaps let's use a different term. You're upset. Grieving. Sad.

Are you taking care of yourself? Buy yourself the tissues with the lotion in them. They help when you have to blow your nose a lot. Have you eaten? Are you sleeping? Do you have a comfortable pillow and blanket that you can curl up with?

Do you have good friends that you can talk to, who can help you work through how you're feeling? I mean, I know everyone here really supports you and is great -- but it's not the same as being able to talk in person and get a hug afterwards.

If you want to e-mail me off the boards, please do. Maybe we can talk some evening in the next few days. I'm worried about you.

{{{{{{{Believer}}}}}}}

Just want to let you know that you are always in my thought and prayers.