WH is to nice somethings up - Marriage Builders® Forums

[ December 11, 2004, 04:45 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

Read more about not love busting...

Try to be strong...dont force WH...be firm and try to get some counseling.

take care

Is she married...
does spouse know?

also is he in committing to recovery?
cake eating?
denial?

no points for the physical lashing out..
you must apologize with no buts following the apology..

you own that one...

ark

Dying:

I'm glad you started this new post.

However, I would suggest that you Edit your topic. You can do this by clicking on the paper and pencil icon at your initial post.

Change your topic to read URGENT HELP NEEDED: OW Works in Office. You mignt get even more attention.

Hang in there.

I just found your other thread............. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
bb

[ November 17, 2004, 07:42 AM: Message edited by: blondblossom ]

Yeah, this is a tough one.There are no "bosses" to complain to,WH is essentially the boss but is involved with the homewrecking Doctor Mistress. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Do your kids know about this woman?

I think for the first time since I have been here,I am stumped as to what to do.I will have to chew on this for a while and see if I come up with anything.Meanwhile,Plan A away,look your best.Maybe you can interrupt any meetings they have with financial questions or information? I don't know exactly how it is in the office or how frequently they are actually spending time together.

I wonder if there is any conflict of interest issues here or if she(OW) could be held accountable in some way for her actions.Maybe talk to Steve Harley about this one.He may have an idea.

O

[ November 17, 2004, 07:56 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]

I remember reading a thread one time (I can't find it <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> )that I really loved.

The BS packed up all of WS clothes (he was self-employed too and OW worked for him) and she brought them to the office. She threw all of WS's "dirty" underwear into the office where OW worked and she told OW to do "all the work" because she wasn't going to "take the thrash" of her WS.
(well the thread was somewhat like this.....as far as I remember)

(The BS had also "made love" with her WS on the OW's office chair a few evenings before this happened. The BS told this to OW also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

The BS then left and it was up to them to "cope with this embarrassing" situation.

This BS told her WS that either the OW "would be gone forever" or "she'd be gone forever!". She then went directly into Plan B!

This must of been a "Total Shock" for both OW and WS.

As far as I remember, the WS did end things with OW and OW quit her job and left.
So in this situation it was "Total confrontation" with a "Definate Request" of what "must happen".
This WS had to either stop "Contact" with OW and work on his marriage or he got to have OW 100%.

Due to the fact that this came up so unexpected and that the BS appeared very "Self-confident" must of given the WS the message that this was definately "SERIOUS!!" (and it must of scared him to death! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I just believe that "Contact" in this situation will never give the marriage a "True chance for Recovery".

Even though this thread surely wasn't Ã¢la Marriage Builders, I loved it. I wish I could find it because I'm sure they did "recover"!

bb

I don't know about that scenario bb.I think it would backfire and the WH and OW would join forces and may throw the W out or make it difficult for her to stay in her job,which I am sure she really needs if she is going to play hardball with the two of them.This isn't a time for her to have to be looking for a new job.I don't think ultimatums work very often in this kind of situation either but who knows for sure.

What if he and the OW say ok,if that's the way you want it then so be it and DO stick together and make the W's life he** while at the office.She can't even do a decent Plan B(when needed) if WH and OW are right there under her nose every day.This is tough.

The only thing I can think of right now is to make it very uncomfortable and difficult for the OW to continue working in the office.SHE has to go if there's going to be any chance at all.WH isn't going to give up his practice and get a new office at this point,not when he won't stop the A.

I wonder dyinghere,have you tried have a heart to cheating heart talk with the OW and what this is doing to you and your family? Maybe she needs a big splash of cold water on her face to realize she is hurting people.

I don't know,still thinking.

O

[ December 11, 2004, 04:46 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

I recommend that you schedule an appt. with Steve Harley at Marriage Builders. I think he can really help you. The number is 888-639-1639. He is to the point, coaching you on exactly what you need to do. It is money well-spent because you are dealing with a complicated situation.

In the meantime, what is the status of your PLAN A? What are your WH's primary ENs? What needs is she fulfilling?

When you have your discussion tonignt, remember his aim will be continuation of the A. Don't get fooled into believing that he continues to be a rational being. He is under the influence of alien forces. Maintain your cool like you've been doing and tell him that you want your marriage.

dyinghere
Question: Does HW really want to save this marriage? If my OW had been in my office, I would have to change jobs asap or I cheat on my wife again. No choice. I want and need to heal and I can not beat an addiction if OW is present in my life. Fortunately for me the affair was overseas, I had to return home at end of job. I follow Dr. H's advice, complete separation, no contact and maybe there is a chance to recover. After a year of recovery I feel great about my marriage.

WOW - can I relate to the working together situation..

WH and I own our business - OW works for us..This OW (prior to their EA/PA) never treated me w/respect. 2 attractive women rarely hit it off..

WH and her started the A over a year ago - something is still going on..Though, WH will not admit anything..Everytime she's off - he takes the day off. Her BS has openly told people that she'd do anything for money - I guess that includes stealing my life..

Rumor now has it that she is leaving her BS - so he would be of no help to me. He already suspects but can't stop what goes on anymore than I can.

Today, while discussing Xmas bonus - WH gave her a sizeable increase. Yes, she has alot of responsiblity BUT - I made several comments about her personal phone calls, lack of respect for me, a few business errors, etc. Told him I don't care what is between the 2 of them - she must have RESPECT for me..I OWN THE PLACE TOO...

I can't get rid of this OW and my WH won't get rid of her - he thrives on the attention she gives him..She's a part of his game/many OW..

I don't have advise I can only say - I understand where you are - at least your WH is giving you hope..Mine could care less about our M and proves that to me daily. I'm basically hanging on because I do still love him and hope things change. Also, if we divorce he will buy me out of the company and I won't have a flippin job at 47 years old..How's that for being between a rock and a hard place..and he knows that's where I am...STUCK...

WHat I always remember though - is even if she leaves - they will probably still carry on the A - it will just be harder to tell what's going on..

Good Luck

[ December 11, 2004, 04:46 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

[ December 11, 2004, 04:47 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

[ December 11, 2004, 04:48 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

[ December 11, 2004, 04:49 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

[ December 11, 2004, 04:50 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

[ December 11, 2004, 04:51 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

Dying:

I would love to help you if I can with the MB Program but I'm not sure that you are following it.

For example the program recommends, no LBing and an effective PLAN A prior to PLAN B.

What is your status, Dying?

In my last post to you, I asked you about your PLAN A. I was wanting to hear about your PLAN.

Why are you even asking about PLAN B without first doing an effective PLAN A.

[ November 23, 2004, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]

[ December 11, 2004, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

Basically,

What are his primary Emotional Needs being met by the OW?

[ December 11, 2004, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

I don't have a lot of time right now.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Nothing was resolved should I now go to Plan b have been doing Plan A for 6-7 weeks <hr /></blockquote>However, I want you to know that you are in no way ready for PLAN B. In order to get help on this site, I would suggest that you change your TOPIC TITLE.

Even though you may have been in PLAN A for 6 to 7 weeks, wouldn't you admit that you have goofed a lot on this and your PLAN needs work? Your goofs have included your repeatedly making DEMANDS and stating that you want to leave.

Also, unfortunately, you need to acknowledge that your WH is having sex with this woman.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I am being hard on you. I want to help you.

[ December 11, 2004, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

BUMP

[ December 11, 2004, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

I'm sorry to be the obsessive QUEEN OF TOPIC CHANGERS. However, I think you will get more help if you are specific. I recommend a change to URGENT HELP NEEDED WITH PLAN A: OW WORKS FOR US or something like that. The EMERGENCY part might be scaring folks off.

Just a thought. I'll be back with you soon when I have more time.

DH,

Have your H watch the Dr Phil show about kandi & ed.

Those 2 post here on MB. He is a doctor and he may have gotten the psycho OW (who is a nurse) pregnant.

It maybe a wake up call for him. The OW was not as psychotic at the beginning. Now she is nuts.
You don't want it to go to that level.

L.

[ December 11, 2004, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

[ December 11, 2004, 04:54 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

bump

[ December 11, 2004, 04:55 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]

DH,

U R getting your ENs mixed up with plan A.

Plan A is about your showing your best side. Your ENs are YOUR emotional needs based on what you feel is important. Of course the WS/H has ENs also but right now it is more important he get his head out of his bu++.

Now you already have a lot on your plate. You really don't need extra hobbies unless your life is sooo orderly and you are bored. Howz about taking a more active interest in what your children are doing? Focus on yourself and your family.... you will find a lot to live and keep busy for.

L.

[ December 11, 2004, 04:56 AM: Message edited by: dyinghere ]