Time will ease the pain? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hi everyone or anyone,

That's what I have been told by so many, but I just must not be like everyone else. It's been a year and two months since I found out about my husband's affair. I still cry, have nightmares about it. It still hurts like I just found out. We get along great, we never fight. I guess I have become an expert at avoiding lovebusters and doing everything to try to please him. Why? because I cannot imagine life without him, but the pain of what he has done eats at me all the time. I just wish that I could ever feel what I once felt with him. When we were first married I had so much confidence in our love in his love for me. I don't think I can ever feel that again, not after the way he has lied, deceived and betrayed me. Does anyone understand how I feel? Does anyone else feel this way? Sometimes I just want to talk to someone who is feeling what I am feeling, someone who really understands.

Hi Devastated,

Wow this doesn't sound very good at all. I'm afraid that I don't have any advice for you as I'm still new and really not in recovery. Well how has your M been since you entered recovery? I'm assuming your in recovery since your still together and didn't post anything to make me think otherwise? Have you been in counseling both MC and IC? Sounds like you need both? What about reading the books? I'm sorry for the questions, it's just that I hate to see that after a year and your still in an M your in soooo much pain.

Native

Very-

I honestly don't know if "time will heal the pain"....I don't think that's 100% true...if you don't deal with the pain...work through it, I don't know if any amount of time will 'ease' it.

I can understand that feeling....I am not currently feeling it, but I understand how that could be. I also would like to know if you're in Marriage counseling with your husband.

It hurts like that because it's unresolved for you....you're just grin and bearing it....you have no closure.

I would say that you HAVE to do something...you can't go on feeling like this forever.

-Caren

[ January 28, 2005, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]

You need to be posting this question in the "In Recovery" section of the MB. "General Questions" seems to be more for people who are trying to end the A. The "In Recovery" section is for people after the A has ended. There are a lot of good people willing to help on that board.

You can roughly divide "repairing a M with an A" into four parts:

1. Ending the A.
2. Repairing the M.
3. Fixing whatever internal problems FWS had.
4. Helping the BS cope with the A.

You apprently have done (1) & (2), and probably are working on (3). A lot of BSs get p*ssed off that you have to do (1) & (2) before (3) & (4), but it seems to be the nature of the beast.

In any event, it is time for FWS to accept responsibility and learn how much pain he caused you. FWS has to help *you* with *your* pain.

Will you ever feel the same way about FWS? Probably not...but that is not necessarily bad. You can have a deeper and more meaningful relationship now than before the A. But, it is time that FWS does his share.

[ January 28, 2005, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]

Very D - Psst! You're not in recovery ... you haven't work through anything yet ... the pain is still very real (and it will be). It will ease up when you deal with it. It's dealing with it that takes "time" and will heal.

Have you talked to your H about these feeling that you still have? Does he "know" from you, how much this has affected you?

If you need validation about these feelings - Yes, some of us have been there - Yes, some of us are still there - We understand. But, we're not in your marriage and you won't be spending the rest of your life with us (Will you?).

Love your H - but let him love and protect you too. If you need help try going to a IC and/or MC.

Keep posting.

Brown

Jimmie....it's okay for her to post here...you get rapid replies here.....Maybe she could post in both.

Just a thought, I don't want her to feel like she messed up some Marriage Builders Protocol...I always post only here.

-Caren

Jimmy, my M is in recovery but I post mainly here because I get more traffic. Very, I agree with Brown that you are not in recovery if you don't feel safe talking through the A and your feelings with your H. No time will not heal if you have not worked through this together. Have you read SAA or Torn Assunder? Have you both done the ENQ? Are you in MC?

It is very important that your safety and needs are tended to as well as loving your S. Please let us know what we can help you with.

Devestated,

I feel like you do. I am only four months in. My husband I are happy now so I think. I never thought this could happen to me. I did everything to make him happy.... I still do. Our marriage seems to be better now... but better for who? Like you I still cry all the time. I think about his A everytime I am by myself. I don't want to bring it up because I don't want to rock the boat. Things are good between us on the weekends when we are together. When I am at work and his A is all I think about is when I go crazy. That is when I freak out and my mind goes everywhere. I am happy to know I am not the only one. I want so much to let him know exactly what he has done to me. And then I don't want to rock the boat of him finally being normal again. I hate it.

oppsh

[ January 30, 2005, 03:02 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]

I hear it said before that "Time does not heal, but God does".

The more I think on that, the more sense it makes.

I don't offer this to sound like a cliche or shallow comfort. But getting the right help to bring about that healing will enable you to once again smile....from the inside.

Blessings....

VeryD, I'm almost two years past D-Day and while I am not in contant pain, I have triggers and sometimes it hurts very much. What came after the affair is what hurts more, but thankfully you do not have to deal with that.

You said you are doing everything to please your husband. What is he doing to please you? You are far beyond any plan A and he has to do some work as well. It is his job to help you feel safe and secure again. I think that sometimes that biggest thing that might heal the pain, is believe that it won't happen again. Otherwise we hold onto that pain so we never forget--and we hope it won't hurt as bad next time.

Has your husband made you feel safe? Has he answered all your questions about the affair? Have either of you done IC or MC?