Plan B Question - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I have an issue with Plan B.

It seems to be anti kids.
I think that the kids would cope with our separation a lot better if we were more amicable. If we could create an environment where we could sit down to a family dinner etc. The kids would find it all easier to deal with and not such a huge change in their life. Yet this goes against MB Plan B principles.

So am I right to assume it is a case of life being difficult for the kids in order that H may miss you enough to change his mind. I'm not sure I am ready to sacrifice their security and feeling of well being hoping for a change of heart from my H.

Have I got it wrong?
S

Bump.
Need some answers
S

Arty-

I have no idea hon, I would help you if I wasn't equally confused, because just when I think I understand it, I'm wrong again, but hey....at least this will bump you up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

-Caren

[ March 07, 2005, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: CarenMc ]

Arty,
Yes you have it wrong, but in your defense I'd say FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS. Arty forget trying to shelter your children from the effects of their fathers actions. You cannot. To paint everything rosey would be a lie, and believe me Arty eventually it will all tumble down anyway and instead of them clearly understanding how things went so awry, homelife will change abruptly and with no forewarning. Plan B is a protection for you, moving you closer to an inner calm which will aid you in being a better parent during this crisis. I can't recall your childrens ages, but if I'm not mistaken arent they in their teens? Do you really think teenagers prefer well-intentioned lies above the truth? I'm not saying every detail of the reason for the separation needs to be discussed with your children, but they should not be shielded from the realities of the situation. Your WH could use all the pressure LIFE has to offer and his children being upset by his poor decisions is not a product of CRUELTY on your part, but an EFFECT CAUSED by your WH'S SELFISHNESS and DISRESPECT for his M and his FAMILY .

Don't pretend everything is okay when it isn't, your children will understand infact I'm betting they already know more than you can imagine.

IMVHO of course....

FM

[ March 07, 2005, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: FamilyMatters ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by arty:
 I have an issue with Plan B.

It seems to be anti kids.
I think that the kids would cope with our separation a lot better if we were more amicable. If we could create an environment where we could sit down to a family dinner etc. The kids would find it all easier to deal with and not such a huge change in their life. Yet this goes against MB Plan B principles.

So am I right to assume it is a case of life being difficult for the kids in order that H may miss you enough to change his mind. I'm not sure I am ready to sacrifice their security and feeling of well being hoping for a change of heart from my H.

Have I got it wrong?
S <hr /></blockquote>I am not following you, arty, how is Plan B hard on the kids? The kids don't go into Plan B, YOU DO.

What is hard on the kids are affairs and divorces, which Plan B often serves to prevent. Affairs and divorces are what threaten a child's security and well being, not a plan designed to prevent them. Nor is it healthy for kids to watch a parent take abuse for years on end and never lift a finger to stop it. Kids learn that it is acceptable to be treated abusively.

Have you read the book Surviving an Affair? It might help you understand the Marriage Builders program if you get your hands on that book. You can get it in a bookstore or on this website.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by FamilyMatters:


Don't pretend everything is okay when it isn't, your children will understand infact I'm betting they already know more than you can imagine.

IMVHO of course....

FM <hr /></blockquote>I think FM has hit the nail on the head. Look what "pretending" all these years has got you, arty? Contact continues to this day and your H wants a divorce. How is that good for the children? How will you "protect" from divorce?

You have protected your children from reality at the expense of your marriage. And now reality is flooding in on your head.

Arty, put another way, the kids will still see their dad, they just won't see you both together, which is a reality of divorce/separation, etc. You don't do them any favors pretending to be "happy family" when you are not.

You should help them DEAL WITH TRUTH, not teach them to HIDE from it.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by MelodyLane:
 Arty, put another way, the kids will still see their dad, they just won't see you both together, which is a reality of divorce/separation, etc. You don't do them any favors pretending to be "happy family" when you are not.

You should help them DEAL WITH TRUTH, not teach them to HIDE from it. <hr /></blockquote>I've got a feeling, and Arty please correct me if I'm wrong, but my gut says ARTY has been over compensating for H's actions for a very long time. I sense that Arty has picked up the slack, been the rock for the family to the point it's ingrained in her to protect and shield her children from dads actions.

Arty if I'm right about you trying to protect your children from having anything, but the ideal household please realize it takes 2 PEOPLE to do that in a M. Creating a happy family life for your kids which includes both parents is out of your control, the best you can do, and what I suggest you do, which is what I've done, is create a happy homelife for your children in your household.

...as Melody put it...

Arty goes into Plan B the children stay children.

Arty are you sure you're ready for PLAN B? I'm not sure if you're ready and that's not an indictment of you only an observation.

My D is 14 and I recall a few months ago it was her who insisted I detach from her mother. I was shocked that my little princess would say such a thing! My daughter had seen enough of me being hurt by her mom/ my WW! I thought like you for a while, maybe it's better for the kids if I take the abuse, the neglect and the disrespect, but in the end being under one roof wasn't IDEAL for anyone, ESPECIALLY not the children. We were no Hallmark Card and my D knew it, it was I who needed to finally accept it.

What a bummer huh? There are things you cannot control Arty. I'm sorry you're going thru this.

FM

Hi Arty,

It's Shelly here. I agree with all the above. You cannot go on forever and a day hiding the truth from the kid's. That does not mean that you tell them all the grisly details, only enough to help them accept and understand the sitch. They are probably way ahead of you, mine were!

As I mentioned to you before, my kids are the same age group and they totally expected it and I was surprised that they took it better than I did when the separation finally happened. It was hard on them being in the middle of a home that was filled with grief and tension. At least now the only squabbling is now being done amoungst themselves (one of the side benefits of being the lone parent is that I get the joy of dealing with the normal ups and downs of teens! Such fun!) I will survive and we will be fine. SO WILL YOU AND THE KIDS!!!

Don't Plan B at this time. Get your affairs in order and get into a routine with the change first. Then think about how you feel. One thing at a time Arty!!

Hugs
Shelly

Hi all,
I can see your point about protecting the kids from H deeds. I think I have spent their lifetime doing that. I do want them effected by this as little as possible.

I have the book SAA - fat lot of good it has done me up to now!
I will reread Plan B section and let the dust settle as H moves out. I think all will become clearer over the next few weeks. We will see how he copes in his cottage.

Thanks for your answers.
S