I haven't been here in a while. Things are moving along quickly for me and it seems that I haven't had any time at all to come to MB for more than a few minutes to skim through.

A quick update for those interested.....

my house is up for sale as of this morning.

divorce is scheduled for April 22nd.

Dork is on his way home....he left SAT last Saturday on has only made it to Colorado <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

he is still giving me the line that he wants to work on things when he gets home but hasn't shown the least bit of ambition towards action on that front. OH WAIT..... he sends me a picture of himself almost everyday. He really does crack me up.

I think he needs a place to stay when he gets back and that his little 'perfect' relationship blew up in his face. That's what the wanting to work it out is driven by.

Personally, I am feeling strong and empowered by the actions I've taken towards a new and better life. I haven't accepted another job yet but it has been for the best since getting this house on the market has been a full time job. I have the apartment picked out and most of our items in storage for a quick move once the house does sell.

It's hard to believe, but the weight I've felt for the last 9 months has all but evaporated. Once I redefined my own definition of 'winning'....and realized it didn't include a man with no desire to change.... I was able to really start letting go and seeing the last 11 years for what they really were rather than what I wanted to believe they were. I finally saw myself as more than mother and wife...I found FIM. And FIM and children deserve more than what we settled for.

So....that's FIM land right now. I miss this place.

I'm meeting with the realator in a few minutes, but I wanted to post really quick and thank each and every person that has supported me, kicked my butt and read my saga.

I can honestly say that I don't believe I would change a minute of the last year because it has brought me to where I am today. That is thanks to too many people to name here.

So

THANK YOU to MB and the wonderful people here.

Paula

Hi, FIM.

I am glad things are going well for you.

You are still, "Da Bomb".

All the best,
Gimble

Good for you FIM......

You and your children do deserve more. You deserve all the best that life has to give.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

You have been a great example for many who come here. You have been for me.

K <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Paula I am so glad to hear YOU are moving forward! He MAY surprise everyone and come around...but I think it iwll be too late unfortunately for HIM...I think of you often...keep in touch with all of us here!

FiM,

I was just logging it to see how you were doing! You sound strong and focused. I am glad for you and your kidlets.

~ Snow

FIM,

Glad to hear from you. HOw is dork traveling by wagon train?

L.

I am so glad to hear from you, you sound GREAT!!!

You deserve more than a WH or an unrepentant FWH.

I like what you are doing with your hair?...no...life!!!

Time for a new life, and it doesn't include a WH in it. Looking back over your M, you've realized how much you have put up with...
A new M would be exactly that...NEW!!!! Either with him or someone else. This past year has given you the experiences to make those changes. After my H's last A it was an 'opportunity' to do it right this time...(it sure didn't feel like it at the time...)

Whatever happened with the CO and the last letter you sent?

Think of you often!!!

FIM,

Thank you for letting us know what is happening.
Following your journey has helped me clarify a lot of issues in my own marriage. For that I am VERY thankful to you.
I am wishing you and your children the very best.

So glad to hear you have peace about moving on. You are an inspiration!

I can honestly say that if this were the first A, I would encourage you to make another attempt but seeing how this has happened before, I fully support your decision. You deserve so much better as well as your children. There's a special man out there to add to your life.

Go and be happy...be very happy.

FIM,

I don't post much, but I check every day to see how you are doing.

I'm glad you are moving on and planning a life with or without him. He would have to make some big personal changes in order to win/earn you back.

Good luck and may God bless you and yours.

I'm always wondering how you are and you sound great. One day at a time. One day at a time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Gimble:
<strong> Hi, FIM.

I am glad things are going well for you.

You are still, "Da Bomb".

All the best,
Gimble </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're gonna make me blush <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> As it turns out, I didn't have a warrior at all, let alone one who could breach my fortress with honesty and integrity. That visual kept me motivated more than you know.

K, M23B and Snowbelle,

Thank you. I really am finding strength in moving forward. It's not the path I would have chosen, but one I am glad I have taken.

Orchid,

Dork is travelling by way of my pickup. You know that transmission he had replaced in SAT? Well, he blew it again in Burlington, Colorado. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He called for money and I just politely told him I have myself and my three children to take care of and I couldn't help him out.

After about 20 calls from him I finally answered and said ..... (not for sensitive eyes) "When you decided to F your girlfriend is about the same time I stopped being responsible for your F up's." Click.

Apparently his mom paid for it and he's still on his way back here. Is it completely horrible of me to enjoy the vision of him sitting on the side of the freeway in Colorado with no money? Oh well. I'm not perfect <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

StillHereMakingIt,

I'm not sure what's happening with the investigation. I passed on my stuff and hope there are repercussions for both of their behaviour but I haven't been obsessing about it....or even thinking much about it really. I'd ask Dork, but I doubt I'll get a true answer anyway. I thought about calling the CO but figured that then I look like the vengeful ex and much prefer to have just let them know and walked away.

Pickles, jph, RAG and newjersey,

Thank you for thinking of me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Like I said before, I am very excited (and a bit scared) about where life is going to take me in the next year. It can't be worst than last year though....(knock on wood).

Paula

FIM -

I see you are still hanging in there. Good for you for being strong. There comes a point where you need to look out for you and your wonderful family - which may or may not include your WH.

You are doing just fine. Let him reap the results of his poor decisions.

Wow Fim,

You constantly amaze me. Dork ought t/b scared very scared..... he has a BS who isn't afraid to use whatever tools at her disposal to keep herself safe. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That comeback was clever. Musta set him back a couple of states.... LOL!!!

So where is Miss OW $$bags? Why isn't she bailing his azz out? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

L.

Hope things are starting to go your way. Did he ever make it back? How are the kids doing? Is the new phone schedule working for them? Hope the house sells for a good price. Hugs Jersey

Ok it's been 6 days since he was in Colorado. Now I know a WS can make it to your area in a couple of days since an Xws some of know from here zipped out that way when he was in the fog and he got there lickity split...... so is da' dork pullin' that truck or it is carrying him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.

Bump!

You out there faith?

faith? is he there?

[color:"purple"] I am so happy MB is back up! I don't even care too much that I can't stay logged in more than a few minutes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> [/color]

Since I've been trying to log on and respond for quite a while now, I'll just give a super quick update....something new for me:)

Dork is back here. He's staying in the basement since I can't legally keep him out.

The house sold in 5 days!!!!

I'm looking for work.

The divorce is less than a month away.

Dork irritates the h e double hockey sticks out of me every time he breathes. I can't stand being around him. I think repulsed is the most accurate term I can come up with.

Of course, he thinks that since he's been here since March 17th and only occasionally talks to OW, that I should totally see that he is TRULY trying this time.

He's serious, guys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> How can you not believe him?

Anyway, now he wants to be by my side every second. He wants to try and show me he can be a better husband than ever before.

Funny thing is.... I've realized that really wouldn't take much being that what I thought was so wonderful was pretty much a fantasy.

Oh, and there's that whole talk is cheap thing too.

Yeah, he's changed his geography. He drove back here. Whoop de freakin doo!

Anyway, I gotta go.

Good things...... I am happy. I am excited about beginning a new stage in my life. Divorce sucks. There is no getting around that. It hurts everyone...especially the kids. It's sad that staying with someone like him, who is a serial cheater (Yes. I finally accepted that too) and doesn't see it, is more harmful than divorce.

Anyway, I am really happy to have MB back up. Even though I don't post as much right now, I have to have my daily fix <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi, FIM. I am a few months behind you.... Dork is starting IC with me on Saturday. Yup, Whoop Dee frickin' DO Or rather Doo-doo.

HIs latest Dorkism is since I am not sleeping with DP, you have no right to tell me not to see her as we are friends! And get over your betrayal thing becasue my former friends can invite anyone over for a massge and introduce the DP to their kids. THere is nothing wrong with that.

See? Dorkisms. THat's why I say I am a few months behind you.

Sounds like you are doing great. Hang in there.

Hey babe, how are things going?

Been thinking about you, and wondering if the WD has been able to talk his way back into his scheming life again.

When my, at the time, WH seemed like he was content to keep things as they were, I tried to convince him to leave and D us...I would say things like...
"Think of how free your life would be without the bills and responsibilities of ALL of us?"
"We've not been happy for a long time, and we can ease each other's pain by separating."
"We deserve to be happy and I think it's still out there."

Basically I reverse babbled him...I said to him all the things I thought he was already thinking...

At the time my H started to agree with me and then realized what was happening and started arguing AGAINST these ideas... It was an interesting time.

I was very loving, and not sarcastic at all, and was sincere about letting him loose and about the things I was saying...we really needed to let each other loose...but the operative word here was US...WS think of the letting loose only on their end...as if hte BS would be attached for life. When the BS starts talking of separating...the game changes.

Hey there!!

Just wondering how things are going there now that WH is home? How's the job situation? And how is the move?

Hello again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I have been unable to post anything more than the occasional response to a thread for what seems like forever! I posted two or three updates just to have them disappear into cyber space. I've been reading though.... I just hate what infidelity does to people. Reading new posters stories just breaks my heart.

Anyway, an update...

Dork is STILL living here in the house but should be moving out to stay with a friend by the day after tomorrow. I hope so! I'm still so irritated every time I am around him. I dislike feeling the way I do and the fact that I end up snapping at him like a rabid dog.

He did get a job. That surprised me. He did though and should be bringing in a paycheck soon.

He is spending a lot of time with the kids and takes the girls swimming almost every night. He's been working with them on their homework in the evenings and basically getting back involved with their lives.

What irritates me though is he is the "fun" dad. He signed up the kids for the YMCA again (which is great....they love it). Of course, when he did it he didn't have a job and no way to pay the monthly membership. That's the whole reason I cancelled the membership. We couldn't afford it for a while. BUT, he wanted to do it for the kids and it DID make them happy. He just doesn't think of where the money is going to come from. (probably his mom!)

Then, he signed up our 10 year old for dance classes. I had told her she couldn't have the classes until summer because of her grades. She has way too many missing assignments at school. As it is, I had talked to her about taking her out of the after school choir program. Dork and I had talked about it!! Then, yesterday, DD tells me that she needs to get a top for a dance outfit because she has class today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> He signed her up anyway. NOW, I'm the bad guy because she is NOT taking that class until the school year is over (6 weeks!).

I'm glad he's back in their lives, I'm glad he got a job and seems to want to try being a better father again. But I worry because he still lives in this fantasy. He wants to be the fun guy and make the kids happy. Great. But what about the reality of paying for their activities. Getting them to the classes. (her dance class is at 4). Making sure the mundane things like grades are taken care of.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for things to complain about, but it scares me that he's going to be around for a month or two again and decide that this isn't as fun as he's trying to make it. When the days get redundant, where is he going to run to this time?

As for Dork and me, the divorce will now be final May 6th and I'm counting down! He's still pulling the "I want to work on it" crap. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> There are times I feel guilty for not wanting to. Those nano seconds go by pretty quick though. A few years down the road I'd be RIGHT BACK HERE.

He has gone so far as to set up an appointment with Steve. I've asked him not to and again, where is he getting the money for it?

But, that's what Dork wants to do, so that's what he will do. I've told him I'm not counseling with him. I am moving on. I am done.

Maybe it will help him though. Still, how's he paying for it?

Oh well. The house will be closing on May 31st and the kids and I will be moving into either an apartment or duplex depending on which one is open when we move. I really like the management and property we'll be moving to, so it makes it easier.

All in all things are going really well. Once Dork moves out, it'll get MUCH better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This is my first post on Marriage Builders. This is what I would like advice on: My 23 year old, son has been dating a 20 year old, woman at the same college. She is 3 years younger than he is. They have been dating for about 2 years. Last summer they broke up...she needed space. During this time she dated no one else and enjoyed just being "free". In the fall they got back together. They just split up again...although she says she loves him..she needs space.....and NOW they are getting back together again. She fits the description of a "free loader" and my son fits the description of a "buyer." So the relationship works easily much of the time. My son believes that he really loves her, but is worried that this may be an ungoing problem. He said, what if they stay together and get married and two years down the road, she decides that she needs space. He doesn't know if this is PART OF HER PERSONALITY OR A FUNCTION OF HER AGE. Any ideas? My son knows that I have posted this question and looks forward to any insights any of you may have.

Vikings
It would be a better idea to copy and paste this to a new thread topic all it's own, instead of adding this unrelated topic to Faithinme's thread.

Thank you so much...I didn't mean to be rude...I have never posted on this message board and didn't quite get it. I did just what you suggested! Thank You!

Never fear about being the fun parent or not. Believe it or not, kids like rules. It is like a parachute below them, knowing htat you care. Kids like boundaries and knowing that you are watching hte gate.

WD is continuing his selfish behavior...he is not being "fun" dad to help his kids out...but to make himself feel better, to allieve his guilt, and to have only 'pleasant' moments with his kids...thereby staving off the day when they confront him with his bad behavior. If he can buy them off maybe they will feel too guilty to tell him he is a bad parent...

But kids are EXTREMELY sensitive, and know the hidden motives behind actions... Do not be surprised if the girls are taking advantage of dad and making him 'pay' for his absence...

TIme to be clear with them...sit them down and set the boundary with them that any promise dad makes they need to clear it with you first, that any promise of an event or activity that costs money has been taken out fot he household account, and because daddy doesn't know how much money we have, doesn't know what we can afford and what we can't. Be clear with them that decisions you make are not to punish them or dad, but to look out for the best interests of them and the family (moneywise, schoolwise, etc.) Let them know that over time the family will be able to do more when daddy is working more, but that you will still need to here about decisions to determine if it fits in the family's schedule, with time and grades, etc...

But please don't try to outfun dad, and don't try to be the big meanie to counteract him...the kids respect a parent with boundaries because they know they make rules out of love. Dad just ends up looking selfish and foolish again...

StillHereMakingIt,

Thank you for the advice. I know he's trying to fill a void he can't fill and that they know it. It just irritates me....much like his mere presence. If it wasn't that it would be one of many other things!

I'm about 3 weeks from the divorce now and about six from the house closing. I am so ready to start something totally new.

I just read something here though that brought me to absolute sobbing. The context was different but, oh goodness, did it hit me unexpectantly hard. It was by Bellvue on another thread...



I guess because Dork is moving out tomorrow (finally, HOPEFULLY), I have been thinking about what the best type of visitation schedule would be for the kids. The girls have loved having him here and like I said before he has been very active with them. We don't go out as a family right now. But they want us to.

I do not want him. I honestly do not believe there is a chance for a faithful, intimate or fullfilling marriage with him. He is just not ever going to be the kind of man I would be proud to call "my man". He's not the type of man I want my daughters to see as an example of what to look for as a husband or the type of man I want my son to become.

I want and deserve more. The draw bridge has been raised, the fortress secured. That warrior has been barred from my castle. (Still my favorite, Gimble <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

But when I think of things like what Bellvue wrote, DAMN! it just breaks my heart. I never wanted this for my children. I swore they would always be secure and never endure this. It is totally a case of projecting from my own childhood, but it is something I swore would never happen.

In the end I do know it is the best. They deserve more than the half-a$$ed family we would be with a serial cheater at the head of our table.

It is at times like this that I would love nothing more than to subject Dork to all the pain his decisions over the last year have and will continue to cause everyone. Actually, if I could just take all the pain, disappointment, fear, insecurity and everything else from these kids and put it right into the middle of his chest.... I'd be happy.

And damn him for making me second guess myself! I figure that will in some small way always be with me.

I hope he has it 100 fold though as he sees the family that he could have had die a painful death in front of his eyes.

Hi, FIM.

Quote:
===============================
In the end I do know it is the best. They deserve more than the half-a$$ed family we would be with a serial cheater at the head of our table.
===============================

And there lies the truth. Tough as hell, but the way it is.

Quote:
===============================
And damn him for making me second guess myself!
===============================

I know that hurts. At least now, you have gained enough experience to know the difference between an act and what real change in a person looks like. It's like truth, FIM. Real change born from repentance, bears good fruit.

God bless you and your children. I know that good things are waiting just a little ways down the road for you.

Gimble

My dear FIM,

U sound like U have a lot of unresolved anger within you. Understandably so. Yet to let that anger fester as such is not healthy for yourself and everyone around you (yep, including Dork).

So what t/d? Well, you need to find a way to release that anger. Keep it there but at a more healthy level. How? Find a type of closure. For me it was going to the beach and yelling at the waves. It took a bit of the anger out of me and released some of the pain I had grown accustomed to carrying in my inner soul. I remember looking at the waves and yelling, then going back to my car and just sobbing. I felt part of my life was fleeing me yet the relief brought comfort. Can't really explain it but know it does work.

It probably saved the H's life. Even though he was a WS at the time, it sure didn't help the WS in his wayard cause. Instead my closure helped me to be a good BS. Save my strength and help me have the patience to pick my battles. I learned to get a strong stand and basically mow down all that WS/OP babble. Yea, I was even able to instill some 'said' fear by the OW itself. Even if she really wasn't scared I was already in a safer spot but they stayed in where they made their mark. See it was a fantasy at best and stupid choice at the worst since the permanent scars of the A will never go away. Just get minimized over the years.

I believe that the WS should always carry the brunt of the recovery work or he/she should not enjoy family time.

L

Well, hello.

I was going to start a new thread...but even though I have updated my profile I still get the "page can not be found" error and so can not start a new one.

An update for those interested...

Divorce is still on track.

House sale is still on track.

I am slowly getting over my anger. It pops up at the oddest times though. It is very weird to me that it's still there at all.

I want this divorce. I really have looked at my marriage and realized I was mourning and fighting for an illusion. I didn't have either the husband or marriage I thought I did and honestly, that was the single hardest realization to come to.

I'm moving past that though.

I realized a long time ago that I DO deserve faithfulness. I deserve to make myself a better wife and friend and person for ME. I deserve to move on.

I hate what it does to the kids though. I never would have chosen this path, but I'm going to make the best of it for all of us. The anger that I do harbor tends to come from the NEED to move on.

Dork and I were filling out our final paperwork yesterday and he kept making comments about how we didn't need to do this and our marriage could be better than ever. (Didn't I say that for 8 months? oh well.)

It made me think of something Steve Harley told us in counseling. Dork told Steve one day that he was having a hard time dealing with me because I'd get so difficult sometimes. He didn't like it that I was sometimes sad or angry. It was 'uncomfortable' for him.

Steve broke it down and told him 'Well, basically, your having an affair has put a knife in your wifes back. Are you going to be happy and cheerful if you're sitting in a corner with a knife in YOUR back? If FIM EVER smiles, EVER jokes, EVER is carefree, I'd say you're pretty lucky."

Dork somewhat understood but kept up the affair.

So last night when he kept trying to talk about us working on things, I asked if he remembered that analogy. He said yes.

I said okay... You put the knife in my back. You watched me sit in pain and kept going. THEN, you'd leave for a while and then come back and turn it a couple of times, tell me you were sorry, turn it some more and leave. A little while later, you'd come back to see how I was, turn it, jab it a bit and then leave me there to suffer again.

Every time you came back to our home and then left to live with OW, every time you made a promise to work on things, every time you lied and continued your A, every time you kissed her, had sex with her, talked to her, thought of her, every time you gave her the simple time and respect you could have given me, you turned it a little more.

I bled out. Steve told you, straight out, she's just going to bleed to death one of these days.

I did. And although you may be sorry and you want to change it, you can't bring it back now. At some point, there is too much. Too much pain. Too many memories. Too much betrayal. Too much LACK of character, morality and integrity."

It felt good to just calmly explain that too him.

10 affairs over 11 year is just TOO much. It's not ever going to change for US. I hope it does for him and for someone else. It can't for us anymore.

Ramble ramble.

The reason I wanted to start a new thread was two poems I read that I wanted to share..... they are both by Peter McWilliams from a book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" that was given to me by a friend.

____________________________________________________________
[color:"blue"]
I shall miss loving you.

I shall miss the
Comfort
of your embrace.

I shall miss the
Lonliness
of waiting for your
calls that never came.

I shall miss the Joy
of our comings,
and Pain
of your goings.

and,
after a time,
I shall miss

missing
loving
you.
[/color]
____________________________________________________________
and...
____________________________________________________________
[color:"blue"]
The need you
grew
still remains.

But less and less
you seem the way
to fill that need.

I am.
[/color]
Have a wonderful weekend. I keep everyone here in my prayers each day.

FIM

Hi FIM. Thanks for the update. I love the way you explained to Dork how you bled out, at his hand... I didn't realize there were 11 affairs! I only wish Dork could have woken up long ago. Then again, he might never wake up. But you, you and the children, will move above and beyond.

Enjoy your weekend.

~ Snow

PS It helped when I went to my browser's cookies control and cleaned out all of my cookies. Then logged back in and have had no problems since....

I had not realized it was 11 either.

I hadn't put the term affair to the girls I knew he had kissed when on his previous deployments. I hadn't put the term affair to the inappropriate relationships he had throughout our marriage.

I also found out recently about more.

So....

1. during his first deployment there was one relationship w/ sex
2. sexual relationship with fellow soldier during second deployment
3. one night stand during second deploymnet
4. kissed a girl in Spain on second deployment
5. made out with a girl on second deployment
6. kissed another girl on second deployment
7. kissed a girl at his work after he came back from deployment
8. copy number 7 with a different girl
9. EA (strong, strong, strong suspicion of PA too) with a girl he worked with
10. copy number 9 again at different job with different girl
11. this last A

Those are what I know. I assume if I know about those, there are more. Most of this I didn't know about until the last three months.

Live and learn, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, thank you for thinking of us. We are going to be just fine...better than fine really.

I'm off to a baseball game, so have a wonderful weekend!!

FIM

FIM-

I have been wondering about you. Glad you checked in with us. You have such a way with words, it is amazing. I know exactly what you mean about one twist of the knife after another. After awhile you lose your love/respect for the person.

But I promise you it does get better. After more than 2 years of this, my WH is no longer important in my life. He doesn't make me mad, sad, or anything. I talk to him nicely, and without any feelings at all. I even hope that he and OW live happily ever after.

Of course, having young children makes it harder, but you will have a happy life again. Just hang in there, and be the rock for your family.

Faith - I live in HK and have seen first hand the temptations put in the way of these guys. When the US Navy are in town, the girls just flock to the bars. I'm sure it's the same all around the world. It probably all started out as harmless fun and just became a habit. Your children have a wonderful mother who has learned to stand up for herself and everything she believes in. One day they will be so proud of you - in fact they most likely already are. Your WH is the loser. You know it so never doubt it. TT

It's time for you to stop feeling guilty about what the divorce will do to the kids right now. Your husband's example of behavior could cause them far more harm at this point, and I am obviously no advocate of divorce. You did your job, and should feel good that you put so much effort in. Glad to hear your house sold so quickly. I'm sure it will be difficult adjusting to apartment life for awhile.

I've really appreciated the support you have given me during my ordeal with my wife. We'll have to see what she does. You're a nice compliment to Gimble. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The offer stands for coffee if you make it into Seattle. Hey! I'll be on King 5 news investagative report on Monday at 5:00. My 30 seconds of fame <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hope you stay in touch on the posts Paula.

You sound much stronger. I've been thinking of you, but have just about given up hope of posting anymore. The new site doesn't work well with my computer. I really don't want to download anything.

He really did it. I didn't realize there were so many affairs. It is a defect within him-has nothing to do with you. I always believe someone can change, but I guess it is too much. You would need to put up with him until the baby is grown. No way to do that with a serial cheater unless he gets help. I think you've had it. He did leave you in a corner bleeding too long. Oh-those poor kids. What he did to all of you. Keep your chin up-you really tried. Hugs.

Hi Faith. I seem to be having less trouble logging on.

How are you? Keep going-you will feel what is right in your heart. Hugs-Jersey.

Happy Mother's Day from your MB family!

Thank you for the Mother's Day wishes, New Jersey:) I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I'm doing fine but thought I would give a quick update since things changed a bit over the last week.

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Did I scare you? I'm still getting a divorce:)

Not until THIS Friday though. In Washington there is a mandated parenting class prior to a divorce with children and I had put mine off until the day before. Well, the class was cancelled and so I had to reschedule for this Friday.

I was extremely disappointed at first...but this is kind of funny.

It will be on Friday the 13th!! HA HA.

It's also exactly one year, to the day, that he told me he wanted divorce.

How fitting!!

The call for a divorce had come out of NO WHERE. I wasn't even remotely expecting something like that from him. It sent me into months long physical and mental breakdown.

Now, one year to the day, look at where we are.

It's amazing to me the many paths that our lives can take.

I just chuckle when I think about the entire timing issue of it.

He still goes back and forth from anger at me for moving on to asking if we can work on things. The other day he asked me to try until September.

I said "No."

"How about the end of summer?", he says.

"No."

"Through June?"

"No."

"How about the end of the month?"


"Um. No."

"End of the week?"

"No."

Idiot!

It is amusing, in a sick and twisted way, though.

We had worked out a part in the divorce where he volunarily agreed to not ever have OW around the kids. This is a few weeks ago. Then, about a week ago he tells me he's not comfortable with that because it is such a "blanket" statement.

Yep. It was meant to be.

So, that became an issue for him. I was going to push it, and did for a while, but he has now agreed to 5 years. I don't know if it would even hold up in court if he challenged it down the road, but I still want it there.

Anyway, yesterday I heard through the grapevine (one of my closest friends who he is trying to borrow some furniture from) that he admitted to being in contact with OW again.

I had just told a friend of mine that I had a feeling he was in touch with her since he decided he wanted a change to the agreement. Of course, he denied it. Many times. He really does still think I'm an idiot.

Oh well. You may remember way back when..... he had been telling me how the divorce wouldn't hurt the kids and he was going to be a part of their lives every single day and we would all see each other.... yada yada yada, blah blah blah.

Well, he's still delusional in that respect too. We've worked out a 50/50 schedule with the kids. Only problem is that he stops in at my house whenever he wants. If I'm not home, he goes through a window OR is now threatening to pick the locks if he wants in and I'm not here.

He wants to stop by to see the kids every night when I have them and thinks it's a smart idea to bring them by before school on the days he has them.

I know that this whole fantasy was a way to justify his A and the D. I just still can't believe he is trying to live it out now!

Anyway, there is more, but I'm in a hurry. I just wanted to drop a quick update.

I am happy and moving on. I'm loving the coincidence of the date of the divorce too. Just can't stop laughing about that one.

Take care,

FIM

FIM:

You are a success story. You stopped the insanity.

You SAVED your life and children's life from your WH. There is nothing honorable about continuing to fight for a dysfunctional marriage with a serial cheater and abuser.

Sadly, some others will never "figure" that out untill they have destroyed any self of self worth or self esteem.


LM

Har-har-har'ing here ... "Yes, it is a blanket as a matter of fact ... a blanket to protect our kids from harm."

... what a weenie

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I'd change "what a weenie" to "what a pr!ck", but yeah, it all fits. Didja get my new cell....if you're coming down here, call me. I've a couple of appletinis with our names on them!

Kimmy

I cannot imagine how he could worm his way back. You have given him too many chances. He has walked all over you for the past few years with serial affairs. There are some marriages that can be saved, but some cannot. It is up to the people in the marriage to know. Hugs. You really have done your best.

By the way, I agree that the OW or for that matter any other woman not married to dork should be around the kids. I believe this would make it all too easy for him to throw his parenting duties onto someone else and children should not be exposed to an immoral lifestyle. JMHO

Well-today is the day. Please remember that as God closes a door he opens a window. Hugs.

Hi, FIM.

I've been thinking about you today.

I hope all is well with you and kids.

God bless,
Gimble

Hope you're OK, FiM. I thought about you all Friday 13th. Please take care of yourself...

TogetherAlone

FIM,

How did the class go? How are you?

From one of the many who have been thinking of you.

Aloha,
L.

I THINK the divorce was pushed back yet another week! I spoke to her last week (I think) and I remember he saying it was pushed back...she sounded very well! She is happy and doing very well! I hope she pops in here soon!

No news is good news. Hope you are doing OK.

Hope you're enjoying the rain, and everything has been resolved for your family.

Is today the day?

Well, really, FIM, please check in. We're worried about you for gosh sakes, girl! When you disappear like this it usually means something has not gone the way you hoped it would and you don't want to talk about it. That is fine. Just log in and tell us you're OK, okay? Then you can go back to the shadows.
((((HUGS)))).

~ Snow

bump

Yes, we love you no matter what you choose to do. Only you walk in your shoes. Hope you are doing OK. Remember-we will stand by whatever choice you make. I can only imagine the Dork bending over backwards and the OW chasing after the both of you. Sometimes a man has to hit bottom before he can get up.

<bumpity bump>

I second what new jersey said.

bump...where are you?

Has anybody got FiM's addy? Has anyone heard from her? We're all a bit worried and would love to hear that everything is OK. Anybody?

~ Snow

I'm sure she used to be in touch with Mom23Boys. She's usually on the OC Board. tt

Last I heard her divorce was going to take place, errr, I cant remember the date...but it was the Friday AFTER we talked...her H got his own place and was trying desperately to reconcile...but she really is very adament about the divorce..>I have not talked to her since the divorce was final...and as far as I know, I dont think it was put on hold again. I can call her this weekend and see what is going on.

Oops! I'm so sorry I haven't been here to update in such a long time. My internet connection went down and I haven't had it fixed since I am moving this weekend.

Here's the scoop...very quickly because I am supposed to be packing but am at a friends house using the computer and her phone since the TWO cell phones I have are gone (one is at a friends house 40 miles away and XH has the other one!!)

Divorce is FINAL!! (May 20) Yippee, whoo hoo, jumping up and down JOY!

The house closes on Tuesday, June 1st.

I finally got a rental house (2 days ago). That's cutting it close even for me.

Things are going fairly smooth. XH still has this screwed up idea of dating me now that we're divorced. Idiot.

We have split custody and he is doing a great job with the kids again and is supporting them as well as spending a lot of time with them.

um.... that's the quick lo-down.

As you can guess, I have a much more detailed update that I can give when I have the time.

Thank you for looking in on me and sorry it's been so long since I popped in. I will be here much more once I get my dang internet hooked back up.

Hope your kids are doing well and adjusting.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for letting us know, FiM - we were worried about you. Am praying for you and your children. Take care of yourselves.

TogetherAlone

It sounds like you are so busy at the moment. I'm sure you are relieved this messy business has reached a conclusion. Hold on tight for the ride of your new life. Good luck. TT

Whew, I can start breathing again. Good to hear from you FIM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Will await more info when you can. Have a happy move...... (is that even possible)???? LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you for checking in FiM. Computer problems are a total pain, aren't they?

I am just glad all is going well for you. Hope your new place works out well. Glad to hear, too, that dork is stepping up and being a dad again. In the kids' case I don't think it is too little too late, as long as he keeps it up.

Best of luck to you! Talk to you later.

~ Snow

Hope the closing went well. It will be nice for life to finally get into a new routine. How are the girls doing? Just want you to know that I'm thinking of you.

And hope the move is going well and internet is back up soon... Thinking of you!

That's great you have good news rather than bad.

WH is finally a FWH. As we discussed earlier. His timing is crummy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Looks like summer is coming for us. I hope the move goes well. I hate moving!

Sleepless

hope you are getting settled. Just checking in on you. Jersey

Inquiring MBer from the middle of the great big blue wants to know....... howz it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

L.

So happy for you FiM!!! Well, one less MBer I have to privately worry about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Seems I wasn't the only one holding their breath til we heard something. hehe Been wondering about you but missed your update due to me being busy with preparations for the baby.

Again, so happy to see you stood up for yourself and kids and are forging ahead!

B u m p .

bump

Hello everyone:)

I FINALLY have internet access again. It's hard to believe how dependant I had become on it.

The kids and I are in our new house. It's smaller and in a less desirable part of town but it is ours and it is slowly becoming more of a home as I finish unpacking.

On the personal front, I am doing so much better than I had imagined possible a year ago. When I look back at where I was last year I can't even recognize who I was.

I wasn't able to eat. I couldn't sleep. I was on tranquilizers and thought my world was crashing down around me.

Today, I am thankful for what I went through because of what I can see now and the life I am beginning to build for myself and my children.

It's a bit odd to be looking back over such an emotional time. I didn't even realize that while I thought I was fighting for my family I was really in a process of mourning. I realized long before I ended the marriage that it was over and didn't even acknowledge it.

I read over some of the posts from the last months before I filed and can see it now. I look over my actions and truly review my feelings and can see so much more than I could from the eye of the storm.

I have a friend who lost her sister not too long ago and for a while she was in denial about it. She just couldn't accept that her sister was gone and she would never have her back.

That's the best way I can think of to describe what I could have been thinking at the time.

Anyway...there's my little self-psychoanalysis for the day.

Right now my life is getting better and better every day.

AND.... I am dating. Right now I am dating a great guy. I count myself lucky to have met him and couldn't be enjoying myself more.

As for the kids, they are doing very good. I have to say that it is not an easy transition for them but I think that the fact Dork had been gone for so long and that he had walked away before actually has made the divorce easier on them.

They hadn't seen mom and dad together in a loving relationship for almost two years. As sad as it is, I think that the deployment and his subsequent abandonment helped them to deal with the separation and divorce better than they would have otherwise.

Now that I FINALLY have the internet back I plan on getting here regularly. I looked at the names of the posters and don't even recognize half of them. Sadly, there will always be new members to keep the board full.

I can't thank everyone enough for the support that has enabled me to come through such a difficult time in my life. This board and all the people who have advised and checked in and kept up with me have been central to my own healing and ability to walk forward a (hopefully) better person.

A very wise MB'er has said many times that he considers himself an MB success story even though his marriage did not make it through the affair.

I had a hard time understanding that when I first came here.

Now, I consider myself to be a success story too. Not because my marriage did or didn't make it. But because of who I came out of this as and what I now have the opportunity to make of my life.

Have a wonderful weekend and thank you for looking in on me.

FIM

FIM -

Glad you checked in with us. I just filed for divorce last week. I felt really bad the first couple of days, but now am feeling relief. Soon I'll be out of that sleezy mess.

Of course, it is much more difficult when there are kids involved. But I'm happy that your family is doing well.

Hi FIM. You sound in a good place to be! Did dating help you to get through the Divorce process easier - like there was a reward on the other side waiting for you? Does that make sense? Just curious. TT Oh, and how are your kids and exH dealing with your new boyfriend?

Believer,

I am sorry that it came to the divorce...but I am so happy for you to be moving forward. You were one of the first people to respond to me and get me through some of those nights right before Dork came back from his deployment.

You are such an incredible woman, Believer, and you deserve so much more out of life...and you've gone out to get it for yourself. You are an inspiration girl!

So, I am happy to hear you are seeming to feel better about your decision. Again, I am sorry that divorce is the consequence of the last few years. But I can't wait to see how your life continues to blossom by your pruning the dead stuff out to make room for all the new growth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hi there TT,

We weren't really dating before the divorce was final. I've known him for a few months and to be very honest, I had hoped to have the opportunity to date him once the divorce happened. He is a wonderful man and like I said, I do consider myself lucky to be able to have him in my life.

We waited until the divorce was final to really take that step though.

The kids really enjoy being around him. He is great with them.

Dork isn't too big on the idea. Remember....his idea was to "woo" me after the divorce was final <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Oh well. I knew that once I realized it was the end there would be no turning back for me. It came and I went. There is nothing there for me.

Sorry, I'm so nosy! Does he have kids too? You don't know how heartening it is to see someone dating who's just been through a messy divorce AND has 3 kids. I'm thrilled for you. TT

Hi, FIM.

I am glad to hear that you and the kids are faring well.

It sounds like the drawbridge is in good working order and all the warriors, be they paper or otherwise, are in good working order and in their proper place.

The only thing I would recommend to you is to let the castle get well repaired, and a new coat of arms before the queen takes on any permanent consort.

God bless,
Gimble

FIM. Mariners beat Pedro!

Beautiful day today. Glad you're doing well. Go slow with the new guy. Not for you, but for him. You sound like a special person, and you don't want to get his hope up if he's just a rebound date.

I married my WW with her 8 year old son who's now 18. I love him and his 8 year old brother very much. It looks like my WW simply can't have a loving relationship. We'll know soon enough.

DS18 said he doesn't respect his mom very much right now, but he's not mad at me anymore. A regretable success.

I pray WW will straighten herself out for the boys sake anyway. That's what I told DS18, and that's what I'm telling the psychologist.

Bring your new boyfriend up to the Children's museum, and let me know. Maybe I could bring my DS8 along.

As an update, my mom and dad wanted to give DS8 a new bedroom. It's pretty cool!

Time for bed!

God Bless

Take all that you have learned here to your new relationship. Go slow. After not having your needs met for so long, any man is going to seem fantastic. (Just worried about you.) Yes, you need time to heal. I wouldn't have him around the kids too much until you deceide he is the one-ie marraige. It will be too much for them, so try to keep the relationships separate. I have read too much about kids getting hurt by these realtionships. (OK that was my Mother side talking).

As for you, I am thrilled that you have someone to make you feel special. Some time alone is good though. JMHO-as I always say, only you know, so you do what you think is best and we will support you. Yes, you are a success. Yep, the Dork got back too late, too many LBs and one too many withdrawls from your love bank. Hugs and Happiness always.

Hey FIM

You ARE a success story .... that's for sure true enough.

I am wondering if Dork and the little cheating homewrecker have married each other yet? I feel sorry for her if she does marry him ... well, I ~almost~ feel sorry for her. She's going to be the next betrayed wife, you can bet the farm on that! When she calls you FIM whining about how DORK's been cheating on her ... send the little turnip our way .... I have some words for her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

How's your sweet MIL doing? I bet it broke her heart that her son is such a DORK.

Well, take one day at a time and use the brains God gave you .... Once I realized Dork was a '3rd strike' offender ... I pretty much wrote him off.

BUT NEVER YOU .... YOU are a wonderful person with tons of integrity.

Please take care.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Faith-Hope you had a good fourth. Hope life is becoming "normal" again. Hugs-Jersey