Know of any Affair Marriages that DIDN'T Last?

Well - my situation has beaten all of the statistics. My H, after 10 years of a marriage that he raved about, fell in love with a "friend." Within weeks of having these feelings my marriage was over and he moved in with her and her 3 kids (that was the day her H moved out). She ultimately sold her house and they all moved into a house my H purchased in the city. My divorce will be final in the first or second week of May. My husbands wedding to this woman is taking place on May 16th. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> SO....have any of known of couples who began as an affair, left their respective spouses, rushed into marriage, and DIDN'T last? I've posted this here and on the Divorce page as I'd love to hear about some real-life stories and think it would be an up for a lot of us on the site! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I forget the exact statistic, and my SAA book is at home.

However, wasn't it something like 93% of affairs never lead to marriage, and of those that do 75% end up in divorce within 2 years?

I do remember it was really bad odds for success. The fact that he's jumping in doesn't bode well for his success either.

Yes!!!

I know a woman who is on her 3rd marriage...she left 1st H because he was abusive - ok, but, she was cheating when she left - she wasn't happy, he was abusive, she sought comfort somewhere else. Her lover became her protector, she left H#1...within a year they were married. She found another guy after about 3 years, decided that H#2 wasn't the one for her, cheated with guy who is now H#3. Recently I heard that she and H#3 were "back together" - seems she wasn't sure if he was the one either, so she went in search of ?#4?? anyway, somewhere along the way she woke up and went back to H#3...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Maybe this time she'll keep her head outta ...well, maybe she'll stay awake! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#2 - I know a man (was a relative of mine) who cheated on wife #1, married his new friend (W#2) - she cheated on him, now they're splitsville too!

CHEATERS DO NOT WIN!!!! It will come back and bite them in the butt, ya know!!! Thank you Lord for making Marriage a sacred thing, and for taking revenge - You can get 'em in ways we never could accomplish!

The thread titled "defective romantic affairs" about halfway down this page has some interesting info on this subject.

I will eventually be describing one that didn't last. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It may be a late report as I certainly won't be notified of its demise and I'll have to hear of it indirectly.

In the meantime, I (and others) surreptitously contribute to its longevity by referring to the inevitability of their divorce directly to the infidels. Because of this, I know they will stretch it out as long as possible in an attempt to "prove" everybody wrong - all the while torturing each other. Justice comes in many forms. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

For statistics, see the thread by Husband2you currently running on the first page of GQII.

My BIL had a "childhood sweetheart" from 14 to about 21 or so. Then they broke up she dated another guy for a couple of years and married him. One year later she left him and within a couple of weeks was living with BIL. About 4 years later they married and had 2 kids. Now 15 years after they first got together while she was married to H #1, I suspect that there has been a lot on infidelity on her part although I have noproof and they are separated, soon to be divorced. But BIL has told me that he is fine with the idea that WH has a girlfriend and that if I should choose to have a BF that would be great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

It has not urned out well for them, and I feel very sorry for the 2 littleboys whomust be very confused about their parents "friends"

Getting Stronger,

WWâ€™s father left MIL for OW when WW has about 5 or so. MIL had suffered a lot after this event as she also had to suffer through the death of her first daughter about 1 week after her birth. MIL became promiscuous, became involved with a MM herself. Her life crashed and she became institutionalized for a period and WW was in some foster homes for a while. (can you say abandonment issues?)

Anyways, OW and FIL married and had 2 children. OW then dumped him and the kids to run off with yet another man. He had to raise the two daughters by himself. He dragged them through a string of bad relationships and is now retired, single and living in my WWâ€™s basement essentially being her nanny when she has our children and is working or going to see OM. He is broke and has little to show for his 66 years of life; a pathetic man.

WWâ€™s relationship is doomed. He is a MM with 2 boys as well. He lives in a city 300 km. away and neither can move their children. Plusâ€¦it will be stressful to care for a paraplegic with a colostomy bag which is what he will be if I ever see him trying to play daddy to my children. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by worthatry:
I will eventually be describing one that didn't last. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

It may be a late report as I certainly won't be notified of its demise and I'll have to hear of it indirectly.

<hr /></blockquote>you are bad, aren't you!!!

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Well I`m seeing cracks in my FIL/OW`s marriage....

My FIL used to go without much sleep at the end stage of him M. He`d come work (with my H) exhausted and crabby as all get out.

He`s been married 1 1/2 years and the bloom seems to be off the rose. My FIL is back to being tired and crabby. And my OW/MIL let it slip that sometimes she sleeps on the sofa <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

To my knowledge neither one of them had any kind of counselling after leaving their respective spouses for one another. So this is not a surprise... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

BTW...my family doesn`t socialise with my FIL anymore because of the situation...and when I attend parties given by my FIL`s family the OW W is left sitting there alone. Even FIL`s family snubs her. You don`t walk away from your spouse...marry the OP and get away with it scott free. It just doesn`t happen.

[ March 16, 2005, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: Daisy37 ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Pepperband:
you are bad, aren't you!!!<hr /></blockquote><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> For reporting it late?

Or for the other part? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WAT

I am a FWW - previously married 6 years - then along came OM ( he was single)- saw him for about 6 months while I was married, left got my own apt. within 1 year moved in w/OM - married 6 months later....

JUMP TO TODAY

Married 10 years - find out he's been a WH - probably the entire 10 years of our M..Maybe, took a year or two break..but, fell back into being a serial cheat..Has many MOW/OW...

Was I just supposed to be "the chase"...and it went too far??? Maybe he never really wanted to marry me...maybe he knew he was a "player" but htought he'd do a better job at keeping his secrets..

So what does that show you??? To me it shows that marriages built on lies, deceipt, affairs, don't always work. Yes, 10 years is a fairly long time..but, maybe if I would have "checked-up" on him years ago - I never would have lasted 10 years...

Though, I'm not the typical MB case, serial cheats differ in many ways from the person who falls from grace and becomes a better person and has a stronger marriage...They learnt a lesson...mine isn't willing to learn..

HUGS

Well, I guess since NONE of my WH's affairs even resulted in marriage... I guess it can be assumed if they had ended up marrried it wouldn't have lasted.

I do know somebody who ended up marrying his much younger, midlife crisis OW.

But I wouldn't exactly call it a happy outcome. Their kids from their previous marriages have never accepted the marriage, new spouse.

And he fooled around on the OW/new wife.

They seem pretty bored with each other now and she now understands that what they did to the first wife was wrong.

have any of known of couples who began as an affair, left their respective spouses, rushed into marriage, and DIDN'T last? I've posted this here and on the Divorce page as I'd love to hear about some real-life stories and think it would be an up for a lot of us on the site! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> 

OK... I'm going to be devil's advocate here. You may hate the way the new marriage comes about, but isn't it also a vow before god and family and worthy of protection, too? Can you really say that some marriages are worthy and others are not?

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> Can you really say that some marriages are worthy and others are not?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<hr /></blockquote>Yep.

Why?

"but isn't it also a vow before god and family and worthy of protection, too? Can you really say that some marriages are worthy and others are not?"

Actually, once adultery, always adultery.

A relationship that starts as adultery never becomes a God sanctioned marriage. And IMHO it should never be sanctioned by the church or court either.

Anyway how would it make sense for two adulterers, who obviously have no respect for marriage and fidelity, to expect it from each other? Why should anyone give any credence to any wedding vows they take with each other?

I know of a few instances of people who have married the OP and ended in divorce also.

There is a gentleman I know that married his first wife when she was pregnant, (unbeknownst to him the baby was not his <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ), they went on to have 4 more children. He began an affair and divorced his wife.

He stayed married to W#2 until she became debilitated from joint disease. He began an affair with MOW. They both divorced their spouses and got married.

He is currently on outs with W#3.

.

OK, I'll come clean. My husband and I met when he was still married to his first wife. I'm one of the people you wish would face divorce.

Background: His first wife told him three times to go find someone else for SF, so after hearing the same thing for 6 months, he did. She later told him she thought he'd just hire a prostitute. Maybe that's how some of you see me now.

Anyhow. We met. We fell in love. After two weeks, he felt he needed to end the marriage and took steps to do so.

Regrets? I regret that I can never tell others about the way we met and feel as good about it as you might tell your stories. I regret that he didn't find the courage to leave before getting confirmation that he was still desirable.

And if it makes you feel better, there later was adultery. On my part. In similar circumstances. Rather than take care of a medical problem that was hindering SF, my husband suggested I find someone else for that. And I did. And it was awful and nearly did end in divorce. But two years later on, we're stronger than ever.

So, rest assured. He got his. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

A relationship that starts as adultery never becomes a God sanctioned marriage. And IMHO it should never be sanctioned by the church or court either.

Well, that's your opinion and you're welcome to it. I know that our marriage is loving and supportive. We've made mistakes and hurt each other, true. But we've worked hard to learn from them and to build a future together.

Anyway how would it make sense for two adulterers, who obviously have no respect for marriage and fidelity, to expect it from each other?

Your premise is wrong, IMO, and totally lets his "BS" off the hook.

I put it in quotes because in his case, I think they both betrayed each other.

She when she ignored him for 11 years. He when he found me. I don't think one form of betrayl is necessarily worse than the other. Both make the other spouse feel like dirt.

Why should anyone give any credence to any wedding vows they take with each other?

Why wouldn't you?

Hypothetically speaking, if a single woman and met my husband, would you feel it was fine for her to sleep with him now that you know how our marriage began? I'd honestly be surprised if you said yes.

It's my first time coming out here with the story of how my husband and I met. I never said it before because I thought I'd be bashed for it. I still think I'd be bashed for it, but that's OK. Have at me.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by wiegee:
Can you really say that some marriages are worthy and others are not? <hr /></blockquote>Yep, too.

I can say without hesitation and with high assurance that the marriage of my former wife and OM, my former friend and the husband of my former wife's best friend is NOT honorable, NOT moral, NOT worthy, and NOT any other desirable virtue you can think of. It is based on shifting sand, lies and deceit, and cannot possibly be something either of them can be proud of or rely on nor should it have "value" or the admiration of others. Does the term "cheap" come to mind? - artificial? - costume jewelery? - trashy?

How can one marry in good conscience when being married didn't mean anything before??????

So, I CAN really say it and I just did. Would you like to debate this one? Anybody? Go ahead - make my day.

That said, I do not necessarily have enough info to make the same judgement on any other marriage - including yours. This doesn't mean I wouldn't.

This question has come up on this forum before and I honestly do not know the way adulterers can "undo" what they have done after significant time has passed and maybe their marriage will survive long term. Should they "unmarry"? Seems kinda silly. Perhaps the only recourse is to let them be to live their lives with their consciences.

I guess what sticks in my craw is the double standard.

The OP disregarded the vow of your marriage = bad.

You disregard the bond of the OP/XS marriage = good.

I am not saying you have to LIKE their marriage. Not at all. But if marriage is a sacred vow, then it is a sacred vow, full stop. Whether you like it or not.

If that's not the case, then how much can you blame someone else when they don't value your marriage as much as you think they should?

The wife of my best friend from high school had an affair about 5-7 years into the marriage. They had two small kids at the time.

They stayed married for about another 4-5 years. They finally split up.

She was chronically depressed. It was this depression that probably led her to her affair with a married former BF.

At the time I really didn't know what to say when he told his group of friends. My recollection was that the majority gave the typical "dump her" advice.

On DDay2 I called him to talk about my W's affair since I knew he was the one non-MB type person who could relate. He asked what I was going to do. I told him I was undecided.

I asked his opinion.

Still haven't taken his advice, though.

Mac

[ March 16, 2005, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]

the double-post graemlin hit again...either that, or I tried to go back and change the post after I hit submit....nawww...couldn't be that, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

[ March 16, 2005, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: penguin ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by wiegee:
The OP disregarded the vow of your marriage = bad.

You disregard the bond of the OP/XS marriage = good.<hr /></blockquote>My view is that these two states are not comparable. Apples and oranges. Honorable and dishonorable.

I cannot speak to the "sacredness", or lack thereof, of these marriages. My views are in regard to promises made, promises broken. If a marriage promise was tossed aside once before, isn't the value or worth of another such promise lesser? Seems intuitive to me.

Further, I am in no position to "disregard" another marriage. I would not feel free to boink a woman just because she was not "properly" married in this context. So "disregard" is maybe not the right term.

But I have no respect or admiration for my XW's marriage to OM. You would agree that it is of lesser makeup than an unsoiled one, right?

But your use of the term "double standard" is amusing to me. How ironic. I guess this really is all about double standards. An "original" solid gold standard vs a lesser, subsequent, tin plated one.

When/if I remarry, I'd invite my former wife to "value" my new marriage. I am sure she will not value it as much as I do - nor can she, being incapable of recognizing its worth.

Wanna try again?

WAT

I have a completely different view on this...

What does it matter?

What I mean by that is - whether or not the marriage is "real" depends on the hearts and on the actions of the two people involved, doesn't it? I mean, sure, it's a 'legal' marriage, and whether or not it's legitimate in the eyes of God seems to be up for debate depending on your religion. But the only thing that truly matters is if the two people involved have the same cavalier attitude about that marriage as they did about their previous marriage, or if they've learned something and changed.

And if they truly have learned and grown, and are committed to a real marriage, what do other peoples' opinions on that marriage matter?

I can honestly say that if my XH does marry OW, I will probably never recognize it as a legitimate marriage. Why? He didn't finish things with me. Oh, we had a divorce, but he didn't really ever actually deal with anything with us. And she will always be the woman who took an active part in breaking up our marriage. I'm not saying it's all her fault, not by a long shot, but as far as I'm concerned, she could never be legitimate with him, because of the way things came about.

But their reactions to that are what is telling to me. They began calling her is fiance before we had even started the divorce paperwork. I refused to call her that. When I had to refer to her, she was either "your girlfriend," or "that woman you're living with." This really bugged both of them to no end. They felt the need to frequently tell me that she was his fiancee and they were getting married. She sent me a Christmas card (yes, a Christmas card) signed from the "WH's last names."

Why was it so important to them that I acknowledge the relationship. If they were so happy and in love and all, shouldn't that have been enough? I know when I fell in love, I wanted everyone to feel that way. I didn't want to use it to rub in someone's face and try to make them feel humiliated. (It didn'tmake me feel that way, by the way. I just laughed, and called her his girlfriend again.)

I think it's pretty understandable that BSs won't see a marriage as a result of an A as legitimate. And I think that if that marriage is in the right place, and it's ok, it won't matter to the people in the marriage what anyone else thinks.

(I'm starting a new thread. I've threadjacked enough here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

(Starting a new thread to reply. I've threadjacked too much here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

I concur w/ Penguin on every point. Since we don't know the specific circumstance of every M or A (we all have skeletons in our closets), how could we possibly pass judgement on someone's M? Just my 2 cents worth.

~ Whisper

PS - To Penguin: So very sorry you had to endure that awful experience.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by whisper28:
 how could we possibly pass judgement on someone's M? <hr /></blockquote>I did, above. It was quite easy.

Note I passed judgement on the marriage of my XW to my former friend, OM. Would you like to defend it, admire it, pass judgement on it as honorable??

I did not pass judgement on any other marriage, not having sufficient info.

I'm gonna retire from this topic. I couldn't care less about some infidels' marriage. I have no respect for it nor the "owners" of it.

Here's an interesting question (for me, at least): I have tremendous respect and admiration for WSs who come to recognize their affairs as improper and unhealthy for all and reverse their decisions. I admire their recovery, new found integrity, and courage to face whoever they have to to make amends - including participants on this forum. Bravo! But how would WSs who marry their affair partners at the expense of broken homes gain my admiration and respect (not that they want it)? What test should they pass before I view them, e.g., as potential friends? What would they have to do before I trust them? I honestly do not know the answer to that. I'll have to think about it. Maybe it's not possible.

WAT

[ March 16, 2005, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

dont know if anyone asked this of wiegee but here goes. How do you know his xw told him to "go find someone else for sf?" did she tell you that personally? Or did you just hear it from a man who lied to his first family, what makes you think he's telling you the truth?

Well I don't know of any affair marriages that didn't last, but I can tell you about an affair that didn't last...

My exW/WW moved in with OM and they lived happily for about a year and a half. Not... They lived with one another for a year and a half, but I can tell you it wasn't happily. My Ds saw them fight like crazy. I saw my exWs truck that she crashed because of one of their fights. I also know she turned OM in to the cops for drunk driving and he lost his license. What a happy couple they were. All the while, I went through hell but got stronger and better. We are 3 months divorced and she is no longer with OM. She is going through bankruptcy and has had to borrow money from her mother just to get by. Yep, affairs are awesome for some people...

So, do affair marriages last? I don't know, but had my exW and her OM gotten married, I can pretty much guarantee that it wouldn't have lasted...

That's good enough for me! The fact is, I have been hearing about statistics for so long (i.e., that affair relationships have very little chance of surviving, and yet, the ones I've seen seem to be doing fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> It is comforting to know that most of them don't. Again, my H and the OW have sent out wedding invitations while my D still won't be final for another two months!!! Geez....

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Getting_Stronger:
 It is comforting to know that most of them don't. <hr /></blockquote>And most of the OP`s are sane. Your OW is not. She`s a nut. I don`t give this new M a snowball`s chance in h*ll. I doubt the wedding will even occur.

Get yourself some popcorn...a big cool drink and sit and watch the show... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It will have a spectacular finale.

You're a doll and you made my night. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> It's true that the OW is a nutcase. I just can't understand how my H, who was so steadfast for 10 years, has become someone else seemingly overnight, and has become smitten with this other person. You're right - the good part of the show hasn't yet begun....

Hi - My only concern is that the statistics quoted in the affair recovery literature are chosen for their impact. In other words, that they quote studies and surveys whose results point in the direction we're after. I wonder if there are unbaised studies???

double

[ March 18, 2005, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

triple

[ March 18, 2005, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

Sheese, what's up with this thing?

[ March 18, 2005, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

I believe Pittman's stats are neutral, but hard to argue that they don't have high uncertainty - in either direction.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by circe:
 surveys whose results point in the direction we're after.<hr /></blockquote>Which direction are you after?

WAT

I'm after the direction where A relationships end up crashing and burning, big time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />