Sex and Lies: Need help- Orchid, Bob, ML,Pep, LM & All Others - 04/25/05 07:25 PM
Ya' know, I read somewhere to say sex in your title and call out a few names to get more responses, so this is really not about sex, sorry.
I don't know if many here know my story, but it is too long to post again and I am not sure how to link it.
My H and I have separated, as of Sat. nite. Actually, I made him leave. I am not happy about this, I want my M to work. I simply will NOT do it all (emotionally) myself anymore. I will NOT continue in this relationship while my needs are being sorely neglected LONGterm, esp. with no real effort or plan to fix things. I HAVE tried. I am not perfect, I 'm sure not even close. I can be demanding. I do not believe that wanting honesty and openness is too much to ask. I don't believe that wanting more than, at most, 2-3 hours a week of alone time. Our kids are 14 and 7, we can work that out if WE want to. But i also do not want a divorce.
My H has lied to me about many things, large and small, since D?-day, almost 2 years ago. I now know that he was lying to me about that day and since then about who he was talking to on my digital tape recorder. In the last two weeks, a valuable source became available to me. I won't reveal it, H knows that I post here and he might now begin to show an interest in MB, who knows. I don't know if H is still in EA. I did, however find out about alot of his actions while he is at work.
I have always "accused" H of being a martyr type and manipulative, that is one of our problems when we "fight". LB, maybe, but that is how i feel. Well, it sure seems to be true, now I know. My H and I had a big argument in the last few weeks. Whenever we have a big fight, he gets a severe stomachache (sp?) and just real sick, sometimes for days. Last week, he was sick after our fight, went to work, flirted with women and joked around alot, came home and said he was still sick and depressed and had a horrible day at work. He did not know that I found out how he was acting at work. H continued to lie to me about who he talks to and how he acts at work all week, and the week before this. I have been trying to gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) push him to tell me about his work and relationships there for years, much longer than before d-day. I have only met a few of his coworkers years ago, and they have changed since. H doesn't usually want to go to work fuctions, and when I have pushed about this, conflicting schedules (mostly kid's stuff) have come up. H works in research, I cannot visit there (supposedly). When i worked in research, we could have visitors signed in. I believe him about this, for the most part.
Anyway, H has been lying to me about almost everything (at work), for the last few weeks, since this resource became available. Who knows about before. He has lied about a few other big things since d-day, not recently that I know of. H does go to work, he just interacts alot more and differently than he has led me to believe. ALOT more. He flirts alot- H told me that he talks to NOBODY, esp. women, unless it is about work, or just to be polite and say Hi... Not too long ago, he adamantly told me that they DO NOT joke around at work. It is NOT a bar, he said, in a rather demeaning manner! (I work in a bar part-time). These are not huge probs, just the fact that he lies. I already do NOT trust him.
On Thurs. nite, after listening to his boring accounts of work, and knowing that he was leaving ALOT out and even lying in response to some of my questions, I asked him to write down things while he was at work. He was VERY defensive, but agreed. He conveniently forgot to write down one of the last few people that he talked to that day, a woman. Not an OP, but he did tell her she was sooo pretty.
I am very tired and depressed. Knowing that my H would go to work and be happy (or at least act happy), and then come home and be very down and tired and crabby, was very depressing. A few months ago, my daughter's friend commented on how he never smiles. She is right, he is seldom "up", at least around us. I have tried to talk to him about this and tease him into smiling. He drags us all down here, often. He is best with his S7, but S has only asked about Dad once, yesterday at 730 am when S woke me up. I told him that Dad was at Granparents helping out for hte day. S7 did not ask again where was Dad. To me, that says something about my H and his interaction with his family. Hmm, maybe a DJ.
Well, i could go on and on here, but it is getting way too long. There is so much more about me and my probs, him and his...I know that I have probs too. I have been working on what i know for a long time.H does not tell me his Ens or anything else much, for that matter. What I know about his ENs I found out by spying on him. He lied to our MC years ago, about his resentfulness. I brought up in MC, that I thought he was resentful about certain things, but he would deny it when i asked him, only to make sarcastic comments about these same things later and then say he didn't mean it. At that point,he told the MC that I was just being over-sensitive and then he brought up my treatment for severe depression (before I met him). I walked out of MC that day crying and telling him that our M would end some day, if he could not even be honest to MC. About 1 1/2-2 yrs later, these were some of the same things that he was tearing me apart for in his car when i taped him. These are things that i tried to change for the better after MC, and then even after that. I have no idea where I stand right now on those issues.
Still much more, will add later- also about my part in this. Right now, I am just confused about the next step. What do i do now? I miss him, but not like before. I am not "mad' and will get over it this time. I am very lost though. And confused.
HELP,
jls
I don't know if many here know my story, but it is too long to post again and I am not sure how to link it.
My H and I have separated, as of Sat. nite. Actually, I made him leave. I am not happy about this, I want my M to work. I simply will NOT do it all (emotionally) myself anymore. I will NOT continue in this relationship while my needs are being sorely neglected LONGterm, esp. with no real effort or plan to fix things. I HAVE tried. I am not perfect, I 'm sure not even close. I can be demanding. I do not believe that wanting honesty and openness is too much to ask. I don't believe that wanting more than, at most, 2-3 hours a week of alone time. Our kids are 14 and 7, we can work that out if WE want to. But i also do not want a divorce.
My H has lied to me about many things, large and small, since D?-day, almost 2 years ago. I now know that he was lying to me about that day and since then about who he was talking to on my digital tape recorder. In the last two weeks, a valuable source became available to me. I won't reveal it, H knows that I post here and he might now begin to show an interest in MB, who knows. I don't know if H is still in EA. I did, however find out about alot of his actions while he is at work.
I have always "accused" H of being a martyr type and manipulative, that is one of our problems when we "fight". LB, maybe, but that is how i feel. Well, it sure seems to be true, now I know. My H and I had a big argument in the last few weeks. Whenever we have a big fight, he gets a severe stomachache (sp?) and just real sick, sometimes for days. Last week, he was sick after our fight, went to work, flirted with women and joked around alot, came home and said he was still sick and depressed and had a horrible day at work. He did not know that I found out how he was acting at work. H continued to lie to me about who he talks to and how he acts at work all week, and the week before this. I have been trying to gently (and sometimes not-so-gently) push him to tell me about his work and relationships there for years, much longer than before d-day. I have only met a few of his coworkers years ago, and they have changed since. H doesn't usually want to go to work fuctions, and when I have pushed about this, conflicting schedules (mostly kid's stuff) have come up. H works in research, I cannot visit there (supposedly). When i worked in research, we could have visitors signed in. I believe him about this, for the most part.
Anyway, H has been lying to me about almost everything (at work), for the last few weeks, since this resource became available. Who knows about before. He has lied about a few other big things since d-day, not recently that I know of. H does go to work, he just interacts alot more and differently than he has led me to believe. ALOT more. He flirts alot- H told me that he talks to NOBODY, esp. women, unless it is about work, or just to be polite and say Hi... Not too long ago, he adamantly told me that they DO NOT joke around at work. It is NOT a bar, he said, in a rather demeaning manner! (I work in a bar part-time). These are not huge probs, just the fact that he lies. I already do NOT trust him.
On Thurs. nite, after listening to his boring accounts of work, and knowing that he was leaving ALOT out and even lying in response to some of my questions, I asked him to write down things while he was at work. He was VERY defensive, but agreed. He conveniently forgot to write down one of the last few people that he talked to that day, a woman. Not an OP, but he did tell her she was sooo pretty.
I am very tired and depressed. Knowing that my H would go to work and be happy (or at least act happy), and then come home and be very down and tired and crabby, was very depressing. A few months ago, my daughter's friend commented on how he never smiles. She is right, he is seldom "up", at least around us. I have tried to talk to him about this and tease him into smiling. He drags us all down here, often. He is best with his S7, but S has only asked about Dad once, yesterday at 730 am when S woke me up. I told him that Dad was at Granparents helping out for hte day. S7 did not ask again where was Dad. To me, that says something about my H and his interaction with his family. Hmm, maybe a DJ.
Well, i could go on and on here, but it is getting way too long. There is so much more about me and my probs, him and his...I know that I have probs too. I have been working on what i know for a long time.H does not tell me his Ens or anything else much, for that matter. What I know about his ENs I found out by spying on him. He lied to our MC years ago, about his resentfulness. I brought up in MC, that I thought he was resentful about certain things, but he would deny it when i asked him, only to make sarcastic comments about these same things later and then say he didn't mean it. At that point,he told the MC that I was just being over-sensitive and then he brought up my treatment for severe depression (before I met him). I walked out of MC that day crying and telling him that our M would end some day, if he could not even be honest to MC. About 1 1/2-2 yrs later, these were some of the same things that he was tearing me apart for in his car when i taped him. These are things that i tried to change for the better after MC, and then even after that. I have no idea where I stand right now on those issues.
Still much more, will add later- also about my part in this. Right now, I am just confused about the next step. What do i do now? I miss him, but not like before. I am not "mad' and will get over it this time. I am very lost though. And confused.
HELP,
jls