It has been one year since my WW moved out of the house. My time frame for a plan B has been reached. In spite of our 2 children and residences less than 200 meters apart I could condense all conversation I've had with her in my 10 month plan B to less than 5 minutes. Probably less than 3. I would simply file on her, but my minister thought that lacked compassion. I decided to give her a card first.

So….how does one pick the card that tells ones wife that she is about to be served divorce papers? It really can’t be a surprise to her…this has been going on for over a year and a half now. I keep expecting to get served myself, but it never happens. She keeps going to OM’s city on the weekends to demean herself and continues to snuff the life out of his marriage, but no papers.

So I left work today to look for the card:

“Excuse me miss…where are your ‘I’m about to divorce your [censored] cards?’”

“Oh….these ones? No those are the “I’m sorry the girl you solicited was an undercover cop" cards.

“No those are the “sorry she wasn’t of age, next time check her ID.” cards and behind those are the congratulations on making parole” cards.

You sure you have some?

OK…it didn’t happen, but I felt a little ridiculous on this pathetic mission. I just got a blank card….actually two. One is just a close up of the hands in Michelangelo’s the touch . The other simply was a black and white photo of the hands of a couple clasped. Her in white, him in black; likely taken during a wedding ceremony of the bride and groom. It looks like an obvious choice for a wedding card rather than a divorce card. I don’t know why I picked two cards which seem to present an image of cohesion or at least an attempt to connect. I guess partially because they didn’t have any with photos of a decapitation. Not sure yet which none I'll use.

One of them will have my handwritten note informing her of my decision to divorce. I feel it is all that I have left to do now and I hope it hurts. Not her so much, but me. Divorce should not be easy and I will not deny myself the pain. I have gotten waaaay past looking to soothe myself. I feel somehow stronger…somewhat of an “Is that all you got?” attitude. I have suffered…but I’ve emerged. I’m stronger, wiser, a better father and a better man. I will not wallow in my situation, I will bath myself in it and come away ready to start my new journey.

Is there a down side…of course! My children deserved an intact family. I could have shown my love for my children best, by loving their mother better. I failed as a husband in many ways. The pain I feel is now for them, to try to mitigate that feels like I would be denying their importance to me. I want to hurt for my errors to complete my education in this regard.

So…now 10 months after I dropped of the PBL and went to the cabin, I’ll be dropping off the card informing her of my plans to divorce and continuing on to my cabin. Monday I’ll contact my lawyer and let her know. I have completed the obligatory parenting for separated/divorced couple course, I have a solid separation agreement that will survive the divorce and ensures I have my children 50% of the time including every weekend, and I have a little war chest with some savings in case she decides to fight some issues.

Away I go.

Binder, I'm so sorry. It's good you're trying so hard to be compassionate. That's important. Even when the person receiving it has no appreciation for it.

Do you feel like an outhouse, still, Binder?

GC

Aww, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> ((((Binder)))) Can I come over and kick some WS butt for you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> She sounds like a Dorkette. It still hurts, no matter what. And I know what you mean about the kids. But, you can only do what you can do. And remember not to repeat the same mistake too many times, man.

You shouldn't beat yourself up. YOu HAVE given your kids your best love. HAve you explored sole custody?

Ya know Gray....I think it's about time to update that signature.

FAA, I don't have a hope in getting sole custody. She wouldn't give it up and the onus would be on me to prove why I should get it. I think I can safely say that would be virtually insurmountable. I admit though, I'm hoping my children will make that choice on ther own one day. I can retire in a little over 7 years and take on a less demanding job to supplement my pension. I can devote even more time to them.

Binder - I think the time has come for you. I don't believe your wife will be happy with her choice. But it was her choice. Don't blame yourself.

It would be better for your kids to have an intact family, but sadly that is not in your control either.

You have remained a good man. Give yourself some credit.

I was gonna say you're cute, too. But I know that is not the MB answer.

Binder,

10 months is a long time, man. You should not feel bad. I gave mine only 3 after affair #2.

Can't say you didn't do your best.

Know what? The kids will know that too. Sorry about the custody thing. Scares the heck out of me in my sitch too.

NCWalker

Thanks believer, this forum has been a Godsend. You have been here all along and I appreciate your attention.



Thanks for not breaching the informal MB protocol. Let's hope I can convince some of the locals of that too. I'm rather looking forward to dating.

Binder,

I don't post over here much and don't even know if you remember who I am anymore. You've been at this for a long time and have done a much better Plan B than I ever did (mine lasted about 3 days, twice).

Divorce is not an easy thing, and I'm convinced, having been the one who filed, that it's tougher to have to file than to be filed on. I still feel like it was sort of my fault that my XH and I aren't together any more.

But I survived it. And you know what? I found myself sitting in our conference room at my place of employment tonight with about 8 other department heads, many of whom are single. All of us were sampling various wines for tomorrow's big grand opening 'wing ding'. We at cheese, we drank wine, we laughed...and I realized there was no pressure. No one was angry at me. No one was yelling at me. I wasn't worried about where my spouse was or feeling bad about not being home on time.

Life single isn't exactly a whirlwind of excitement for me. I'm coming up on my 6-month mark of being DV, I haven't been on one date, and frankly the whole dating idea scares the *#$& out of me.

Yep, I'm lonely. Will I ever find anyone? There's a fair chance I won't. But neither will I dry up and die.

I'm not happy that I had to be the one to file. But I think I'm more content with that choice than to have just waited for who knows how long (maybe a lifetime) for my XH to give up on the OW and move back home.

Sounds like you have a good plan. You're going to do fine. Just too bad you can't find a more appropriate card. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Binder -

I believe in saving marriages. I think you have done your best. I also think you will do just fine after your divorce. It won't take much convincing on your part.

Sometimes here, we give so much importance to marriage building that we don't concede that some marriages will not survive. I think that is a mistake. One person can only do so much.

This site needs to be a safe place to admit that it is over, and we are moving on.

LL

Of course I remember you. The X with the telephone camera showing nude shots of his mistress to the family?! How does one forget that story?

I have no doubt your dating or lack thereof is simply due to effort on your part. When you are ready to do so, you may decide to take some overt action to accomplish that. I have no doubt you will succeed with some effort if you choose to.

I like the fact it will be me who files. I made a decision based on my timetable. I am geting a sense of control over my life again. Maybe I feel this way because I showed my soft underbelly upon the initial revalation. Whatever the reason, I'm good with it.

Binder,

I found your remarks about the cards funny. My D went a little differently as I had put Plan B to rest with the rest of the work I did during the M and the separation. By the time I got to the D, I was done.

I still remember, though, going to the card shop around my 3 year anniversary, after 6 months of solid Plan B. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that Hallmark doesn't make a "You wont stop sleeping with other people, but it's still our anniversary, so here ya go" card? Who knew? So I did the same as you, got a simple blank card. In it, I wrote a semi-poetic, semi haikuic type of thing that was (in summary) "It's been crazy for us for a while, but it won't be like this forever." As I reach around to pat myself on the back, I'll say it was one of the better things I've ever written. I give myself double bonus points! And that was it, really. No sad goodbye during the D, it was just....done. And that was that.

You have fought a brave fight, and extended your WW every courtesy imaginable, in a situation where many would have just walked away, (or worse.) You've done all you can do.

Enjoy the cabin this weekend.

Ethan

You're right, believer. I've made my thread a place to say that it's over, and that I'm moving on. And so far I have not been ostracized for it, though only a small subset of (only the most finest) MB people post there.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope nobody takes this the wrong way, coming from a man and all... but

Binder is a bright shiny sparkling light of a man.

GC

Thanks Ethan,

I think we may have a market for our card ideas. We could call our company: "Go to Hell-mark"

And "Hakuic" I love the way that rolls of the tongue. I'm gunna say that every chance I get.

Thanks for the support.

Hmmm...you guys do better with your cards than I did. On my 19th anniversary, the last one we spent "officially" together, we sort of stared at each other uncomfortably during the evening, got in an argument, didn't end up going out to eat, and there were no cards exchanged.

And it's weird, Binder. People on here do a better job still remembering the rather inappropriate cell phone photos my XH was showing off last August at my daughter's birthday than I do. I think I only have a limited number of brain cells left after severely mistreating them during my teens and early 20's, and I choose to push memories of that particular evening, along with a few others, to the less-functional areas. I don't think about them very often.

Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're comfortable with your decision. I think you've done things the right way. You waited. You gave it your all. And now you're done.

GC, that is one of the sweetest things I have ever seen here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Binder, don't know if I ever posted to you but wanted to say I am sorry for you having to get to this point and LOL at your card story. I am headed for D as well after my H's 3rd A. I filed but regret filing, so I hope to get to the point that I can be where you are and satifisfied with the decision. {{binder}}

FF,

Thank you for the sentiments, I too hope you will be at peace with your decisions as time goes by. Though I am strong right now, I have my moments.....

My son voices his hope on a regular basis that my WW and I get back together. I try to be a man he is and will be proud of, and I hate to see him disappointed in his parents.

Gray is very charitable with his praise. It's a darn good thing I'm so comfortable in my masculinity or I might feel threatened.

Time to write that card.

I absolutely love your idea for "Hell-mark" cards.

Find a product that is desperately needed and fill the marketplace.

Honestly, I really think you should go for it!

Goodness TTSi, I was being flippant. I can hardly find time to eat between raising kids and working and I've got no business sense to boot.

Well I'm back from the cabin and had time to digest my decision and new direction.....

I'm absolutely OK with this. I dropped off the card in my WW's mailbox on my way to p/u my son from school and head out. I know she's seen it as (OM is either here or predisposed) she's working in town this weekend.

As she now has "mercifully" been given notice I can start the legal process so I Emailed by lawyer with an attached scanned copy of my parenting course certificate. As all has already been split, this will be a "desktop" divorce; shuffle papers, rubber stamped by the courts, and the family is......broken.

I have done all I can to keep this from happening, may God watch over my children and bless their future.

NCwalker, reviewing this thread I saw your post, I missed it initially and I apologize for not acknowledging it. I may dig up your old thread regarding your decision not to tell your children of your WW's affair. I'm struggling with that. My son told me (no, I wasn't asking) that he heard his mom talking to a "boy" about a "date" over the phone. The issue obviously will not go away.

Just got an Email back from my lawyer. Barring any unforseen complications, 4 - 6 weeks after the papers go to my WW's lawyer and are signed....I will be divorced. 4 - 6 weeks.........wow.

Yes, yes, and yes. Sign most of us up for that as well. We all failed great or small and that's why most of us are here.

But we acknowledged our failures and attempted to do right for our kids and our spouses. A failure addressed is the best way to avoid another one. Pretty simple. A failure ignored - or cast upon someone else - is another one yet to occur.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, Binder.

You very likely have solved the problems you are capable of solving - your failures. The divorce will solve no problems, thus your soon to be ex-spouse still has hers to solve.

Your future is bright and I bet you will be happy. Make it so.

WAT

Thank you for your continued support WAT,

When I initially came to this forum I identified you as a clear thinker with a firm grasp of the principles espoused by MB. I have taken liberal doses of your counsel and it has served me well, in spite of the failure of this marriage. I thank you.

I have rediscovered a sense of adventure through this. The unknown that awaits me is no longer a daunting enemy, but an undiscovered reality. I will embrace it.

I would still prefer my marriage not have failed, and I still feel heaviness when I remember getting on bended knee and asking that young woman to be my first wife, but that was, this is.

Some folks like to snow-plow through the moguls.......I think I'm going to tuck..

Binder,

So how did WW react to you note? Or was there a reaction?

Cheers,

Miker

Don't know, I dropped it in her mailbox and went to the cabin. Aside from answering my cell when she called the children there, I've not, and do not speak with her. We have few common friends now, and of those we have, I do not ask. Further, I'm not sure that my MIL knows yet as I've not told her. Even though she has been my most ardent supporter, I see her drifting back to WW....they all do....eventually.

I admit to being vaguely curious, but that's all. I'll eventually hear something, but it's all trivia now.

So I call my MIL last night as I have not heard from her for a while. The conversation is awkward…she knows. We get into it.

According to MIL, STBXWW (first time I get to use that acronym) showed up at her house after work on the weekend…she was a mess. MIL described her as a broken woman, says she even admitted driving by our first house after getting my card and through sobs described how happy we were there once upon a time. She further went on about how her attempts to speak to me went ignored and all I showed her was a cold stoic exterior. She figures I have not changed and it only “proves” she did the right thing.

I got a bit of a blast from my MIL who went on about how I should have reached out to her and “let the love of Christ” come into my heart. She went on to say how I have to let go of my “bitterness”. I became a little angry as I felt she was justifying or at the very least, buying into my STBX’s justifications for having her affair with a MM. Of course that has nothing to do with our split, it was all about me.

I understand my MIL’s motivation. I’m sure it was very difficult to watch her only surviving daughter go through such a horrible range of emotions regardless of them being a consequence of her own poor decisions. One always grieves with their children.

I maintained my position on my insistence of NC before entering into a dialogue with my STBX. MIL called it an ultimatum. Call it what you will, it remains.

She went on to tell me that my STBX is involved with OM as she doesn’t’ feel married to me anymore. Hmmmmm, then why the reaction to my stated intention to divorce?

So now I wait for the papers to go to her lawyer to sign. I’m not sure her lawyer has contacted her yet. That may make it even more real for her.

I can’t say I feel any great satisfaction from her reaction. I don’t wish the pain I’ve felt upon her nor do I feel smug with a sense of “control” over the situation. I just feel sad that so much time has passed…that she may be too late. Am I surprised? Not so much. I remember reading in Private Lies that the WS almost always comes around and it often coincides with the BS moving on. Maybe that’s happening; maybe I’ll find a broken woman on my doorstep in a week or two. I’ll let you know.

Binder, I think your MIL has a point, believe it or not. Your stubborn silence probably comes across sanctimonious.

I don't think that the generic MB way is a very effective method of persuasion for men in our situations. I don't know if there's any effective method.

I keep bringing up four qualities:

Humility
Patience
Courage
Compassion

My theory: without a workable combination of these, a WW will not come back and make amends.

GC

Hi Binder,
I hope it's spring down in RMH and there abouts now.
I think mid May was usually spring in the big E.

She further went on about how her attempts to speak to me went ignored and all I showed her was a cold stoic exterior. She figures I have not changed and it only “proves” she did the right thing.

It looks to me like nothing has changed -
Tears mean nothing without a corresponding attitude adjustment.

You haven't said what you put in the note - but if you included the poem, it probably invoked the tears. Perhaps she did have regrets, but her mind quickly placed the blame for the bad feelings back on you - the fog hides a great deal when we don't want to see.


I got a bit of a blast from my MIL who went on about how I should have reached out to her and “let the love of Christ” come into my heart. She went on to say how I have to let go of my “bitterness”.

Christ often said:
"how often I would have gathered you , as a hen gathers her chickens under her wings, but you would not."

MIL forgets the "would not" part.

Though I cannot read the mind of your WW, I believe that if you had talked to her, she would have yet another reason why it's your fault. I don't believe for a minute it would have changed things.


I became a little angry as I felt she was justifying or at the very least, buying into my STBX’s justifications for having her affair with a MM. Of course that has nothing to do with our split, it was all about me.

I think you should be blunt with MIL.
"I quit talking to her because the one I loved left me and started dating, and having sex with another man. The pain was too great, and I couldn't take it, so I quit talking to her, and told her that when she was ready to give the other man up, to tell me, and we might be able to work on things, but she NEVER DID. You can blame me if you want, but she started it by having sex with that other guy - that's called ADULTERY - and it's HER FAULT, NOT MINE. If you want to think it's OK that she did that, you can, but I DON'T, AND I NEVER WILL. "

As you can tell, she made me mad, and I wasn't even there.

I understand my MIL’s motivation. I’m sure it was very difficult to watch her only surviving daughter go through such a horrible range of emotions regardless of them being a consequence of her own poor decisions. One always grieves with their children.

Yes, and she probably hears DIL blame you every time she sees DIL. She wants so badly to believe it's not WW's fault, but still..............

I maintained my position on my insistence of NC before entering into a dialogue with my STBX. MIL called it an ultimatum. Call it what you will, it remains.

You may notice that God does that same thing. He doesn't say: "oh, go ahead and do whatever you want, and there will never be any consequences." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So now I wait for the papers to go to her lawyer to sign. I’m not sure her lawyer has contacted her yet. That may make it even more real for her.

Keep it up with the poems, and love notes - and when she says "If you would have done this at first, I would have come back to you," you can say, "Whatever you say dear, but the divorce will be final in a few weeks, and you still haven't given up OM yet."

Maybe that's happening; maybe I’ll find a broken woman on my doorstep in a week or two. I’ll let you know.

I doubt it, as per above - she shows no signs of repenting, but is still blame shifting.

I wasn't kidding about the notes, but if you do send another, make it clear that you don't want to see her unless she will have no contact with OM, and wants to work on it 200%.

I don't know why I have any hope at all - maybe I don't. Do what is in your heart to do.
If you are done, don't drag it out.


Later edit -
I was writing mine while Graycloud was posting. Maybe his suggestions are the reason I said "Keep it up with the poems, and love notes."

SS

You may be right Gray, but I come by it honestly.

It is difficult for me to come across as warm and approachable, yet not feel vulnerable. I'm more disciplined than skilled and it's easier to "follow the rules" than ad lib.

I've not shut the door, but fear that letting her speak freely will simply get her to justify the situation...I can't hear that from her again. She is incredibly charismatic and socially gifted and can "sell" her position in an incredibly subtle and effective fashion. I've not closed the door completely, but need to see some humility on her part.

SS,

Firstly the weather is great now and spring definitely has sprung here and things are greening up nicely.

The note in its entirety: (thanks to FIM’s thread for the poem)

I shall miss loving you.

I shall miss the
Comfort
of your embrace.

I shall miss the
loneliness
of waiting for your
calls that never came.

I shall miss the Joy
of our comings,
and Pain
of your goings.

and,
after a time,
I shall miss

missing
loving
you.

I’m sorry for the mistakes I made in our marriage.
As I wrote you last July, the reason I won't speak to you is not out of anger, but pain. You, my wife, my lover, and the mother of my children choosing each day another over me and our family continues to haunt my dreams and break my heart.

The pain, though great, is a little less than yesterday, a little more than tomorrow. It is time for me to move on, WW, I'm divorcing you.

Love,

Binder


I was fairly blunt with my MIL and continuously reminded her of her daughter’s decision to “screw” a MM and break-up two families. She has lost her perspective somewhat.

Though I imagine the scenario of my STBX lying in a heap saying all the right things, I don’t imagine that reality will come to pass. If NC would be an insurmountable step, what about my insistence that she quit her job? She has not shown the substance required to do the hard work and make the sacrifices needed.

Thanks for the reply, I’m going to read it a few more times to absorb the message completely.

Please understand,

I am not telling you you ought to do thus and such.

Only giving you things to think about.

You have a fine mind, I think you will do it best in the end.

SS

I was fairly blunt with my MIL and continuously reminded her of her daughter’s decision to “screw” a MM and break-up two families.

The MM part shows that WW is totally in the wrong. I don't get MIL at all. Even if WW felt she was not in a marriage any longer, what about OM being married.


She has lost her perspective somewhat.

Massive understatement. AS you well know, it is usless to argue with someone that is able to think this way.

I always try to leave them without excuse though - and it sounds like you did.

There, I think I'm done now.

SS

Hi Binder -

I was saddened to read your description of your conversation with your MIL. Reminds me of my very last conversation with mine.

Hello, wall.

Very sad indeed.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

I am sorry to have to agree that your wife will not end up in a heap at your door. It will be someplace else, blaming you.

The fortress mentality will likely not be broken.

Suffice to say that if you had been more accessible, there just would have been more reasons and opportunities for her to blame you.

WAT

Binder, Hey. How are you holding up?

Your conversation with MIL is also familiar to me. I got a variation on that theme from Phil's mom. Dig it - she divorced when Phil was an infant because her H cheated! The memory didn't stretch enough to have compassion for me! Nope!

You should know and feel good about the example you are living - your posts here the past couple of days helped some things click for me. I won't threadjack, but will instead simply say - thank you.

You helped. You really did.
Sally

WAT

I fear you're right. I also doubt broaching the topic with MIL did any good for me or the situation.

Sally_Althelny,

Thanks for stopping in. I'm not intimate with your situation, but enjoy and am impressed with your willingness to "spike" your threads with your wit. I get a good laugh at myself and the mess I'm in on a daily basis. Life is too important to be taken seriously.

When STBX was about 5 or so, FIL ran off with another woman who bore him 2 daughters and subsequently left him and his daughters for another man again. MIL was an immigrant from Germany, had lost her 1st daughter to a heart condition after one week of life and now was abandoned by her Canadian husband in a country relatively new to her with no family support. She became mentally ill and was institutionalized. She knows what it feels like. Yet still.......

Must be that blood thing.

Having said that, MIL and her new husband have been by far the biggest supporters of the marriage and have done a lot to try and preserve it. I won't ignore that in spite of her present "skewed" perspective.

Binder,

That was a beautiful note. I have a feeling it will be read many times over by her.

She may not be able to face or own up to what she has done, this is true. And if/when she does it may very well be too late.

I can't help but feel sorry for these WS's when they do wake up, it's got to be one awful blow...the realization. I don't think I could live with it. May be better to keep from waking up, that must be their defense mechanism.

Sad.

So I admit it, I thought STBX might be coming around. Then, when my son shows up for the weekend he brings a new computer game CD, that wasn’t running well on my clunker puter…..he goes on ton tell me that mommy’s friend. Mr. OM helped him get it going on her computer just the other day.

I am incensed. Exposing my children to that mess she’s made is intolerable. I want to fire a new salvo and tell all his professional contacts what he’s doing/done. I see that he’s the poster boy for a large utility company here as they try to promote their corporate ethics with their contributions to the Air Ambulance service where he was a pilot/physician and met my WW, his subordinate. I left that exposure to OMW, but I don’t think she ran with it. I could cc the university he’s an assistant professor at as well as the college of physicians and surgeons. Would this allow me to restore the marriage…….no….don’t want to right now. It is borne of vengeance and an attempt to strike him that is exposing filth to my children. WAT, Bob Pure, SerindipiT and the rest of you wordsmiths….I may have a job for you.

This drove me to finally take off my wedding band. I’m disgusted with this woman.

Sorry to hear this is still going on Binder.

I eventually reached a point where I decided that both WW and OM with morally lost causes and I that I should expect the worst from them... I then moved into "work on the kids" mode.

I saw it that it was obviously my responsibility to teach the kids honesty and morality so I started trying to make sure my kids were armed and prepared for the crap WW and OM where going to deliver. I had many revenge thoughts and some that even kind of frighten me now!

But after a negative response to one of their "outings" from the kids I haven't heard that OM has been around, although I suspect he is still in the picture. I know they say your not suppose to say negative things about your childs mother, which I agree with, but IMHO you also shouldn't portray that you have turned a blind eye to immoral behaviour. Its definitely a tough line to straddle...

Hang in there Binder! We're all here rooting for you.

Miker

Yep, Binder - I know how you feel. I have to deal with the same crap everyday - my son around a liar and a cheat every day - two of them. Married in a Catholic ceremony and creating the facade of a wholesome family. Sickening.

I recommend you rant and rave here all you need to - but leave any potential actions against OM undone, assuming you are pursuing the divorce without delay. It is very tempting vengence to cause him discomfort. But it's vengence unless by doing so you have reasonable hopes of isolating your kids from him.

I wish I knew what to say to make it seem fair, but I don't. My approach has been to be the best Dad I can be and by doing so, by default being a LOT better role model than either OM or the WS can ever be. These are bad people and sooner or later, they will be exposed for what they are via their own deeds. They don't need our help. By doing anything in this regard, we only provide for them a ready excuse for anything that doesn't go their way. In my case the OM's former wife continuously attempts to make life unbearable for the infidels yet in the process unwittingly provides a easy scapegoat for all things evil.

Eventually, my son will realize all the meanings and appreciate me for what I provided for him - integrity and honor. Your kids will, too.

WAT

Hiya Binder,

Just thought I would check in and I am sorry to hear things are still as they are.I cringe when I think about our kids being with these OP.GROSS.My WH still hasn't even mentioned this homewrecker to my kids and doesn't talk at all about her to the family.Wonder why?

My WH knows I am a,shall we say,spirited? woman and will not take it sitting down if indeed he does try to insert this person into my girls lives after the D goes through once and for all.All I can say is he better prepare for the nuke to go off.LOL

Anyway,it's too bad in a sense that you didn't expose the OM at the get go but now it may not do as much damage to him I think.Maybe.I do think you should bring him to his knees.How,is the next step(evil grin).The OM has no business being around your son.

Well,just wanted to know that I am praying for you.the kids and the folks here.Hope you will stay strong~

O

Mker,

If I recall correctly you are a Canuck with full custody of your children. I wish I could do the same, but I don’ see a way to do so. My STBX would fight the entire process and I have little chance of establishing a sole parenting regime. If you have any tips I’m all ears.

WAT,

I know you situation and admire your restraint. I will consider your point of view. My alternative, besides passive objection, is violence involving OM. Such thoughts are fun to entertain.

Octobergirl,

Glad to see you back. I missed the “moral compass” of MB and your direct approach. I wish I had better news for you regarding my situation, or heard better from you. I have little recourse as stated, If I thought a verbal confrontation would improve the situation I would participate, but apparently I am to be dragged along by her whims regarding the emotional well-being of the children.

I just finished a few 15 hour days at work. I’m knackered. See you all in the morn.

Hi Binder,

You are correct that I am a Canuck. Although we have "joint legal custody" of the kids I have primary care meaning they live with me full time and have visitation with their mother.

As far as tips, my outcome was purly a negotiated agreement. I don't think I would have a hope of getting the same deal if we had fought it out in the courts. I would suspect the courts would have given us 50-50 if WW had wanted it.

The key for me was at the time my WW didn't want the responsibility of caring for the kids... this was also a problem I had with her at the end of our marriage (prior to the A). So I just had to get it formalized in writing.

If your WW wants to take care of the kids I think you will have a tough time getting more than 50% these days unless she agrees to it, or else you can prove some sort of abuse. I didn't have to go to court but my impression is that courts in our region are favouring 50-50 custody arrangements these days.

You may want to consult a family law lawyer if you haven't already as they should be able to give you a better indication of what the pulse of the courts are these days.

Good luck. If there is anything I can do to help. Please give me a shout.

Cheers,

Miker

OK...advice needed....I just found a card in the mailbox. I know it's from WW. I don't think it's an attempt to reconcile, no actions consistant with that. Likely a bunch of "This is not about OM" schlock. It's presently unopened. If I give it back, do I send a note with it? What say ye?

At this point you are heading to D. After D, there will be no reason not to talk to her about the kids, etc.

Well, I count your feelings, but I mean, every once in a while.

You may as well see what's going on.

SS

Pandora's Box ring a bell Binder?

Anyway,if you need a reason to open it,just convince yourself that all the folks on MB need to know.Or,maybe give it to a trusted family member or friend(lawyer) and see if it's worth your time and heart? Maybe you are strong enough to go ahead too.

Personally,I would read it if you feel strong enough.Afterall,you have had more than your fair share of hurt from WW.It could be anything benign or maybe she wants to purge more feelings on you or reconcile.I don't think anything she could possibly say at this point would be a surprise.The only caution I would have is if the letter hurt you more(i.e. more fogbank stuff).I had to stop e-mailing my STBXWH long ago and only keep to specifics because he would go on and on about painful things and I would just cry.His e-mails(versus letters) just served to hurt me more and somehow benefited my WH.It didn't seem fair or right.We're still fragile and vulnerable,you know?

Good luck with your decision.

Night~

O

Binder, it will hurt you, guaranteed. I'm sure you're tough enough, but it will hurt you.

GC

hi, Binder.

Quote:
=================================
OK...advice needed....I just found a card in the mailbox. I know it's from WW. I don't think it's an attempt to reconcile, no actions consistant with that. Likely a bunch of "This is not about OM" schlock. It's presently unopened. If I give it back, do I send a note with it? What say ye?
=================================

You may have already done this, sorry if I am repeating others.

Read the card. If your wife is basically trying to get you to be 'okay' with the way 'things have turned out', then I think that you need to tell her the basic facts of life.

"Dear wife. You want me to accept your decision to destroy our family. I will never do so. Stop asking. I will not be your friend outside of our marriage, ever. I will talk to you and work with you on issues regarding our children only. That is all the conversation I will ever have with you outside of our marriage. Please adjust your communication with me accordingly."

God bless,
Gimble

Gimble, that was some dang good advice. More than likely, she is just trying to justify her actions, or situation, or even apologize for the way things turned out. :: retching as I am considering the insolence and selfishness, here ::

Binder, if you're up for it (and no one here would blame you if you weren't) you may want to go ahead and open the envelope. Gimble's reply really gives a person a lot to think about. Well, any terrestrial person, anyhow. She sounds like she's still getting around in her silver saucer.

{{{Binder}}}


slh

Open the dern card, Binder.

How do you know it doesn't have a "I'm coming clean" epiphany message?

Maybe not likely, but in Plan B how else does a BS know whether some comunication from the alien is one they've been waiting for?

WAT

OK, I took your advice to read it…..same old same old:

Binder,

It is with a great deal of sadness that I pen you this note. I was hoping to speak with you in person, but I cannot force you. I do hope you will take the time and read this, as it is written with no malice and from my heart.

I need to start by telling you how very sorry I am for all the mistakes I have made in our marriage. I apologize for all the times I have been a proud and arrogant woman. Please forgive me the mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve caused.

I received your card a few weeks ago, I must say – it was a painful read. I grieve for what was – and I grieve for what will never be. From my heart I miss “pet name & pet name”. They were good, and they were happy. Somewhere along the way, priorities changed – life changed us – and we chose to accept those changes.

I know you are a good man Binder. I hope you find true contentment and peace in your world. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the one person that could light up your world and your heart – I felt I always fell short.

As we sadly end our marriage – I pray we can put aside our differences and turn the focus to our beautiful children. They love us so much, for them to sense all this tension and anger between us is not good for their little hearts. They need us both.

God bless you Binder & may God bless us all.

Love, WW

How lovely. Obviously her first priority is for our children, hasn’t she demonstrated that?

Thank you all for your responses. Gimble, I’ll be penning something along those lines and return this card with it.

She doesn’t get it, no surprise there.

Binder,

At least you got an apology. I think she gets it more than you give her credit for.

I read that she doesn't feel she can meet your standards. This she does get. Your standard is she leaves the OM and she cannot or will not do that, so she can't meet that standard.

There are probably other things too.

I think what she did and is doing is wrong, and she knows it. She doesn't feel confident enough or brave enough to try again with you.

Instead of saying she doesn't get it, acknowledge that she does get it, that recovery is hard work, leaving her OM is tough and that you have some understanding of how much pain she must have, choosing to stay with OM instead of returning to work on the marriage.

I don't think I would get into the your are ending it, we are ending it semantic debate.

Just let her know you got the card, you accept the apology and wish she would have chosen differently.

If you think you might want to reconcile, let her know there is a path to stop the divorce if that is what she wants to do.

T

She hasn't hit bottom yet, but she will, maybe sooner than you think.

I vote for no response - save it for after the bottom at which time your response might be different.

WAT

Well,it's no surprise to me.Sounds familiar and the stuff of which I was long ago very tired of hearing.That last paragraph is especially telling.

Changing priorities? Life changed us? Turn the focus to the children NOW? Puke.It's why,even though WH wants it differently still, I have chosen not to talk with my STBX anymore except only specific issues about kids and only now,Mediation,but when that is done,the e-mails will be even less.I can't stand to hear that kind of drivel.

She sounds gone to me Binder.Just gone,like my WH.I just don't know if a WS can come back from that newfound "ideology".

Sorry Binder.I hope you are ok after reading that.

O

Binder, see how she attaches "we" to things that she's responsible for?

This note left me sad. It's a table scrap. I'm sorry, man. I agree w/10girl. Mine is the same also. Bye bye, Mrs. Binder.

GC

Hi, Binder.

Here is a translation for you to work with:

It is with a great deal of sadness that I pen you this note. I was hoping to speak with you in person, but I cannot force you. I do hope you will take the time and read this, as it is written with no malice and from my heart.

I don't respect your wish not to be contacted, and I have some guilt that I need to pour out on you, but I intend no harm, I just need to feel better about me.

I need to start by telling you how very sorry I am for all the mistakes I have made in our marriage. I apologize for all the times I have been a proud and arrogant woman. Please forgive me the mistakes I’ve made and the hurt I’ve caused.

I am including this because I know that I did some things wrong, cause I feel guilty about it. There are no specifics, because I have not examined myself closely enough to provide any.

I received your card a few weeks ago, I must say – it was a painful read. I grieve for what was – and I grieve for what will never be. From my heart I miss “pet name & pet name”. They were good, and they were happy. Somewhere along the way, priorities changed – life changed us – and we chose to accept those changes.

What you wrote to me convicted me of my wrongdoing, but I am not that person anymore, so I will speak of us in the third person in order to remove myself from my guilt, and to be able to place the blame where it really belongs; that is on priorities, life, and you. All this happened because of you.

I know you are a good man Binder. I hope you find true contentment and peace in your world. I’m sorry that I wasn’t the one person that could light up your world and your heart – I felt I always fell short.

I can't live beside a bright light. The dim world I have created for myself can not stand the illumination. I hope you live well in your world of light and goodness, but that is not my place anymore, and that is your fault.

As we sadly end our marriage – I pray we can put aside our differences and turn the focus to our beautiful children. They love us so much, for them to sense all this tension and anger between us is not good for their little hearts. They need us both.

Please be nice to me and accept what I have done. Please do this for the pawns. After all, they don't know they are pawns, and won't mind me using them to try and push my finger in your soft spot for them. So accept my crime against you and our family because I have my finger in your sore spot.

God bless you Binder & may God bless us all.

God please accept what I have done and make it okay.

Love, WW

This is not an apology, Binder. If anyone needs to see what a real apology looks like, just image true contriteness of heart.

Real apologies are easy to see, we make them ourselves most days. "Yikes, I am sorry that I bumped you, are you okay?". Or how about hot coffee in a strangers lap because you were clumsy. Would you just say "sorry" and walk on, or would you quickly try to help resolve the mess, apologizing all the while?

We all know what real contrition looks like. The problem is that you get feed entitlement in the place of a real change in heart so often, that you forget what the real thing looks like.

God bless,
Gimble

I rescind my earlier recommendation to offer no response in favor of sending back Gimble's translation - "this is what your letter really means to me."

Very good, Gimble. Very insightful.

WAT

STBXH,

I don’t see this as an apology….I think Gimble hit the proverbial “nail” on the head. I’d go even further with the coffee analogy. It’s like trying to apologize while continuing to pour the hot coffee onto the person’s lap. “Oh I’m sorry this is happening…circumstances dictate though…….what will be will be…..Jeez….that’s starting to blister……..man this is a large carafe.”

I agree that she is merely waving goodbye while driving away….more like giving me the finger. I’m OK with this, in the sense that I’m not sent into a tailspin. I expected little from her and she never disappoints.

WAT, I didn’t see what you saw in regards your first post, but I see you have amended your position. I think I may send back Gimble’s translation along with the “don’t bother anymore” suffix so she realizes I don’t buy her crap. I will forgive her…..for my sake, not hers and she doesn’t need to know when that day is.

A few more weeks I figure….it’ll be done.

What Gimble said is exactly what I was talking to my youngest about the other day.When WH still tried his best to confront my DD with the homewreckers name and she was sobbing,again,at having this brought to her attention after I had already said to my WH STOP,it is hurting her and she does not want to talk about his person,he KEPT doing it! Total disregard for my DD's feelings but HE wanted to relieve himself and maybe even "show" the homewrecker that "See,the girls will talk about you".

It is true Binder.This letter was all about her.Like when my WH STILL keeps telling me he is respecting my wish not to have contact but keeps doing it anyway,ALL ALONG.He knows nothing of respect and selflessness.

I told my DD a story like the coffee one: what if she had knocked over her good friend Ben's trophy and broke it,would she just say "sorry" and that be it? Or would she offer to help fix it or help pay for it,etc.Anyone can say "sorry" but the ACTIONS have to back it up.In my case,WH has said sorry before but he never stopped his hurtful behavior and you can't be truly sorry if you keep doing the hurt.

Good post Gimble.I would also return the favor oby an "enlightening" letter Binder.If only to purge your soul.I doubt WW will "get it" though.

O

I stapled what was essentially Gimble's letter to the card and stuffed it in her mailbox. I couldn't even be bothered to hand write it; cut/past tweak this and that...print. I think that alone speaks volumes as to "where I'm at".

So things are crystal clear now, I will be single. I've not given this letter anymore thought. My future...is undetermined. I used to have an idea where I'd be in 5, 10, or 20 years. Now I have no clue. It's kind of exciting. I will always regret this for my children's sake, but I get to go exploring now.

Binder,

I read through all the posts, and I believe they are probably true, but so what.

She didn't get it.
She doesn't get it.
She may not ever get it.

You don't need to be friends with her after the D.

What do you want right now? If you are finished, then ignore her. If you want to reconcile, if you still WOULD reconcile, then take this attitude -

From Matt 23:37
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, thou that killest the prophets, and stonest them which are sent unto thee, how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!

I could say many good things about you. I hold you in high esteem. You WILL have more struggles, we both know that. I expect you to do well. Not that you won't make some mistakes, but that you will repent, and go on.

Your choice here - as with the poem when you told her you were seeking D.

" Dear W,
Thanks for the note. I suppose I still have hope down in side me somewhere that you will give up OM, love me again, and that our family could be intact. That would be my wish, even now, after all that has happened.

Please give up OM,
Please come home.
All these months, I couldn't stand to see you, or talk to you. I couldn't take the pain.
I could still make it work if you could.

Binder."

I'm not saying you should, that depends on what you want.

SS

Later edit - I posted about the same time as you. It looks like you have chosen.

So be it.

SS,

I just.......can't.

I don't think I could either, and you don't need to, but once you said you didn't think like that usually, so I put out an idea.

Please dont' take it as a judgement. Just support.

SS

For the children...if I thought there was a chance, I'd do it. She is lost.

That's why I quoted that scripture. There's this guy......I think you want to be like him.

Same one that said "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I am trying to think what he would do.

This journey takes time. It's not easy, but I hope you have joy along the way, not just pain.

It takes both.

One of these days, I just may come by and see you.
Summer though, it would have to be summer.

SS

He didn't say, "Father, I forgive them," did he?

Puzzle puzzle.

GC

He already had before he asked. He knew those that actually carried out the sentance were not to blame. It was those that ordered it.

Many will not be forgtiven, many should not be.

However, for us, it it often the best way to heal. We don't have all the facts that he has.

SS

I vote for you sending the letter back to her, with Gimble's translation attached!

I know it, SS. Was just dancing around with the idea a little, is all.

Binder, I don't know if the translation/rebuttal is worth your energy. Maybe. I'd be conflicted about it too.

GC

GC, In retrospect, I'm not sure if it was worth it; it is done though. I'm really not sure if any energy is worth it now.

Late night...going to bed.

Binder,

Remember some things with me.

Remember Peter. It was a long night.
First, he tries to protect Jesus. Jesus puts the ear back, and tells him this is not the way.

Next, he hides in the background as the Jewish leaders try to find some way to charge an innocent man with a capital crime. He (Peter) is identified, and pointed out, but he denies any association. Two more times this happens.

As dawn breaks, and at the appointed signal, he realizes what he has done. Humbled, and and in torment, ne seeks solitude to morn........and repent.

Remember, he was forgiven, and was put at the head of the church. This was the same man. The man who showed both great weakness, and great strength.

I see in you similar possibilities.
All of us make mistakes, but we have the seeds of success in our failures.

Gray needed to hear some things from SLH. I am thinking you needed to hear this story. I hope I am not off by too far.

SS

Thank you SS,

Your posts have become my "comfort food" here. I always reread them over a few days to get their full benefit.

Hi, Binder.

How are you doing?

Gimble

Thanks for asking Gimble.

I feel good about returning the STBX”S note with the Binderized blast (courtesy of you) attached. It clearly reflected where my head is at. I just want to be done now.

I’m getting out with the boys a bit much lately….but I’m giving myself some slack it criticizing myself for that. I know it’s a distraction, I also know it is not “who I am” and I will feel that shortly rather than simply “know it”. I’m allowing for some phases, within boundaries of course, as I make this last step out of my marriage.

I’m a little worked up as I just had a terse conversation with my FIL and MIL. The gist was from these devoutly religious people is that they feel if our marriage cannot be worked out and my WW wants to pursue marriage with OM, both should divorce first, repent and then marry. All is then forgiven. In essence she has “encouraged” my STBX to end the marriage to pursue the next by informing her it can be sanctified. She further believed STBX that the only reason we did not reconcile was due to my cold, stoic demeanor. She also gave STBX the ‘benefit of the doubt” that they are not having sex. I am well aware of how she has twisted reality and perspective.

As things became somewhat heated, I suggested we sit down with the pastor and reflect on what the scripture has to say about marriage, adultery and remarriage. She hung up. Looks like I will be divorcing the entire family. I’m not really surprised. All 4 of my sisters are divorced…I know how this shtick goes. All family drifts back to blood…I told them that last year which they vehemently protested at the time.

So I’ve got some righteous anger as we speak. Thanks again for the help in crafting my response to my STBX. I really, really, really wish I could save my children from that effluent.

Hi, Binder.

Quote:
========================
The gist was from these devoutly religious people is that they feel if our marriage cannot be worked out and my WW wants to pursue marriage with OM, both should divorce first, repent and then marry. All is then forgiven. In essence she has “encouraged” my STBX to end the marriage to pursue the next by informing her it can be sanctified. She further believed STBX that the only reason we did not reconcile was due to my cold, stoic demeanor. She also gave STBX the ‘benefit of the doubt” that they are not having sex. I am well aware of how she has twisted reality and perspective.
========================

I wonder how they logically work out the fact that your wife is making the choice not to work on the marriage. "Ah, Mom, I have tried to work it out but he won't let me." That's kind of like yelling "Who ate my hamburger" in a crowded McDonalds.

I am sorry for the kids. She will love them, even through the fog. Both of you do need to agree to limits for discipline and interaction between other man and your kids. Do it legally if you can, behind the woodshed with other man if you can't.

I would personally love to see their relationship blown all to hell. They both deserve that, even after the divorce is final. It may be that they both learn their lesson by having to live with each other.

It never ceases to amaze me when affairs that end in marriage, seem to have a built in penalty mechanism. On other forums where I have worked with people in troubled marriages, I usually ask if either spouse is involved in an affair now or previous to the marriage. You might be surprised at the answers.

God bless,
Gimble

Let’s see….where was I?

OK…..been busy and figured I’d give a short synopsis of what’s been happening. Well, since I’ve last visited with you fine knowledgeable folks nothing really dramatic has occurred. I thought I’d be single by now, but he process is taking far longer than I anticipated. My lawyer sent STBXW’s lawyer the documents to serve upon her shortly after I requested the process be initiated.. We never heard anything back even after making inquiries as to the service. Eventually we asked for the documents back to have them served by a process server. Her lawyer immediately served them upon my STBX and returned the affidavit saying such.

Here in Canada the defendant has 21 days to respond or they will be found “in default” and the divorce process proceeds under the assumption that everyone agrees to the terms and wishes to go ahead with the process. As we already have a separation agreement that is drafted to become the divorce agreement there really was nothing to negotiate.

We did receive a letter from STBX’s lawyer stating that they wished to enter into mediation regarding “parenting issues” It’s likely that STBX realizes that she has relinquished seeing her children on all weekends and maybe regrets signing that portion. Oh well. We wrote them back stating that we weren’t interested and asked them to state what issues were of concern. Heard nothing back. I did however concede to receiving and sending brief E-mail’s and TM’s from STBX to facilitate timely communication regarding the children. I couldn’t rely on my friends to deliver messages forever.

I had the children for the month of August to coincide with my vacation. As my son has told me he has seen OM kiss his mom and has been to his residence I had a little conversation with him as we drove to the cabin. I figured he’s sophisticated enough to get the information in an age appropriate way. I also figured he would be really upset at himself if as an adult with appropriate values he remembered himself as a youth playing buddy-buddy with mom’s “friend” who was partially responsible for the destruction of the family unit. He was mad. He must have realized it somewhat already as he admitted to “accidentally” breaking 2 pairs of OM’s expensive glasses while with him. STBX has avoided their contact with each other since my chat.

Now my STBX has been found “in default” and I went to my lawyers’ a couple of weeks ago to swear the affidavit of applicant which subsequently gets filed at the court house. It then takes between 6-8 weeks for it to be approved by a Judge, filed and sent back. I then am divorced other than the actual certificate that I need to apply for in case I wanted to remarry.

I no longer fear or dread the process or the declaration. I’m ready to see what God and life have lined up for me. I regret this step has to be taken and I worry deeply for the effect it has had on my children, but I see my life in a different way. I no longer know what will be in store for me and also realize, contrary to what I thought, that I never did.

Hi, Binder.

I am truly sorry for your pain and for your children. It is amazing that someone will choose to chase a 'feeling' over truth, in fact, burn down the gates of ****** just not to lose it. The problem, as folks here know all too well, is that the feeling always goes away, no matter how hard you chase it.

What in the name of all that is holy, does a woman like your wife do once the feeling is gone, and she finally begins to see the path of destruction behind her.

I don't know what to say, Binder, other than please don't be a stranger. I miss your frequent contributions here.

God bless,
Gimble

I think you/we all know the answer 2 that 2uestion:

More often than not, they self-medicate and do the same thing again... and again... and again...

When this "love" wears off, there will be another one just like it 2 {temporarily} replace it.

Binder. Good 2 hear from you. Fire's burning out at GC's, and it's getting colder. ('course it's nothing like the GWN, where it's probably frozen solid by now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

-ol' 2long

Thanks Gimble…..I will be fine…..I know that now. Had I found this place right from the get-go things likely would be different. Though I still have gained tremendous insight and support from this venue. I have so many of you to thank. Are you reading this WAT?

STBX’s relationship will die……I know that. OM lives 300 km away and can’t move his children from his BS. My son, God bless him, is an extremely active boy constantly testing his limits. He will not tolerate OM in the picture now that he knows.

I doubt my STBX will have a “crash”. She never had a capacity for any sort of introspective self criticism…..she always defended her actions and position vehemently and was quite skilled at it. Her defense has always been a good offence.

2long, I know she will not find anything to fill that void in her soul. She will no doubt fail in this putrid “relationship” and will attempt to connect with another….and another……

Also things are not frozen yet here in the GWN, but they did receive a foot of snow in some parts of the province. The outlying areas of the city have a frost warning tonight so those of you with SUV’s and V8 engines…..due us a favor and let them idle all night. Global warming is good.

.

Hey all....just got a TM from my STBXWW......seems she's decided to attend my son's hockey tournament in the mountains in November and wants to know when we'll be arriving. A wonderful mini-vacation I had planned now has her thrown into the mix. I'm sure she'll stay at the same hotel that has rooms blocked off for our team. Maybe she'll be so crass as to bring the OM so I can look forward to being arrested by a mountie too.

She attends all of 2 or 3 of our son's games all year in the city and now this sudden interest?. She's looking to push my buttons and it's working. This is a small town, the parents will be eating together, using the same pool at the hotel, recreating together, going to 4 games in one day together. Together, together, together! I need apart, apart, apart!!

Binder, this may be a great opportunity to show your kids what taking the higher road really means. Be polite, nothing more than that is truly expected from you. Oh and stay away from any cliff near the OM! Really, I hope she has enough sense and class to leave him at home.

Hi Binder,

I can sympathize greatly.My town is now,my town(small too).I don't want my WH hanging around and associtating with my friends and the families of my girls' friends.It just isn't right.Luckily he doesn't hang around much.Only once did he impose himself on my friends and hang out like it was no big deal.They weren't very comfortable with him being there in their front yard but they made small talk and that was it.

Don't you hate it when they want to be involved all of a sudden? They ruin everything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

O

In a just world, this wouldn't happen.

The world you and I inhabit does not quite make it up to that standard.

There is no nice way to say this, but what are YOU going to do about it? Since we can't (legaly anyway) control her, it is up to you now.

I hate doing that, I would rather validate your feelings, and say nice things to you. You know I would.

Forgive me.

SS

Faithful……I will take the high road…….if only to start an ‘effin rock avalanche on those scoundrels on the low road!

Octobergirl, here in the city I can avoid her notwithstanding that she lives less than 200 meters away. I have the kids every weekend and she spends the weekends mostly in OM’s city. All the other days I’m at work….this town the tournament is in is tiny, in a National Park, and has few tourists this time of year………we might as well be going on vacation together in a freaking Miata! There’s only so many places to get breakfast, to recreate, to have a beer etc.

Still seeking:


This is all about control. How she can control me as I’m reacting exactly the way she wants me to. She needs to feel connected; when I retreated into myself during the marriage in response to her emotional outbursts it drove her nuts. I did use it as a tactic at times I must shamefully confess. It’s also why plan B bothered her though obviously not enough to return to our marriage.

This allows her to get into my face ostensibly to see our son play hockey. Even the text message asked what time I’d be arriving there after stating she’d be going too. It was obviously sent to simply let me know she’s going as what time we arrive is irrelevant. If seeing our son play hockey was the sole intent, she could get the schedule from the coach and likely will be getting it as a matter of course via the fan-out email the team manager sends.

What will I do? Well first I’ll rant here like a high strung teenager whose old girlfriend is showing up at a high school dance with another date. Then I’ll get my emotions under control and realize there is nothing I can do to stop her and any effort I pursue to dissuade her from going will entrench her desire to attend and feed her sense of satisfaction by communicating emotion on my part.

Next I’ll be working out twice as hard as before. I keep myself in shape via strength training and running. I will increase the weight training intensity and reduce my calorie intake slightly so I’ll be ripped around the pool. I will only bring my newest clothes so I’m seen looking the best I can around town. I will pre-plan activities for the children during the down time so they are happy to be spending time with dad. Also I will envision and imagine all the worst case scenarios with my STBXW so I’m not taken by surprise by her actions or my reactions. I will be cool, appear easy-going, smile a lot and absolutely ignore her as much as possible. I will also not appear flustered in any way shape or form if the children run over to her on a frequent basis. Heck, I can use that time to chat with the single hockey moms!

What will I do if OM is there and I see him near my children? THAT I can’t answer until confronted with it.

Binder, you have my deepest sympathy. The wayward wreck such havoc upon our lives. I think you have a great plan. Look the best you can. Act the best you can. These days, I'm a single soccer and wrestling mom. I'd love to have a nice person to talk to during games and tournaments. Just remember to be honorable as long as you are still married on paper.

Are you absolutely sure that she's going to go? Maybe she's just yanking your chain. My WH only attends sporting events if it's a big time thing...like a large tournament or a championship. Otherwise, he can't be bothered. Would it be possible that she'll poke a few sticks at you, get your blood pressure up and then decide she has something better to do?

You're going to have to sort through your emotions about OM. As long as your divorce hasn't gone through, you can reasonably request him not be near your children. Has he been with them before? Once you're divorced, your going to have to deal with it. Your children are young and there will be many occasions that you will be forced to be with STXW. There's school plays, graduations, weddings and too many things to name. Some days, I feel like my WH has no right to attend these kind of things but of course, he does.

Keep on course and make it the high road.

Grapegirl, thanks for the sympathies.

She will be going. I inadvertently thought the tournament was on the weekend that I get the children on the Thurs. PM. I actually get them the Sat. AM at 9:00. The TM she sent me was to determine where the transfer takes place at the tournament town. When I realized that, I requested the children the day before so I could drive them out there and maybe she would reconsider going as it is a 3 ½ hour drive. She declined my request so she has to go so my son can play.

My knee jerk reaction plan which essentially consisted of sucking in my gut and sticking my chest out was a little shallow. Though the town is relatively small it is a tourist town and there are several other accommodations. I’ve booked one away from the team venue. Though my son won’t be around his buddies for the Sat. night another hotel solves a lot of the problems. I’m not ready to subject myself to her trying to act like were just one big happy family staying in two rooms. Blech. The alternate hotel is pricier, but I won’t have to go stay on the Friday night as the kids will be with the STBXWW. It also has a pool so they’ll be happy. I can’t say with any degree of certainty that she will stay the Sat night too, but in all likelihood she will.

I have told my STBXWW that I don’t want the kids around OM. She could care less and has had them stay at his place on occasion. She’s simply awful and has taken total leave of her moral senses. There is no legal way here in Canada to keep him away. I’m left with taking him behind the woodshed as my only option. BTW, we may be divorced by the time the tournament begins.

The rubber stamped judgment arrived in the mail today. It takes effect on March 16.

My STBXWW has backed of from attempting to change the parenting arrangement and will not see the children on weekends. It is up for review when my daughter reaches school age in 1 ½ years. I will not relax my right to my children; in fact I may attempt to get full custody at that time. She has become, in effect, my nanny.

Plan B for life

Well I'm glad Binder, that this painful chapter of your life is coming to an end.

It's time to begin anew, with the whole wide world as your oyster!

And I pray that the emotional divorce will happen soon as well, if it hasn't already.

Although your kids don't have the intact family you had envisioned and worked for for them, they have one of the best dang dads around...they are blessed Binder in so many ways.

Binder, I am breathing a sigh of relief for you. I just cannot imagine being so unimportant in my kids life like your STBXWW. Thank God they have a father like you. I think any judge with a sound mind would award you full custody.

It's done folks....I'm single.

{{Binder}} How are you? I would imagine it still hurts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Oh and did you get custody?

FF, I'd like to say something profound right now, but I only seem to be able to muster up some cliché bumper sticker philosophy. So I’m not even going to try other than to say my regrets are great, but are diminished by my enthusiasm. I look forward to my new unplanned life…..impromptu “adventures” always seem to be the most rewarding and create the most enduring memories. Bring it on.

In regards to the custody thing, what we agreed upon in the separation agreement survives the divorce, it will only come up for review when my daughter starts grade 1. I may try for full custody then

Hi, Binder.

Quote:
=======================
It's done folks....I'm single.
=======================

So, how do you feel?

Gimble

Thanks for stopping in Gimble. What I said to FF pretty much covers it. My concern lies with my children now, they didn't ask for this. For me though.....I know I'm going to be just fine.

(((Binder))) My sympathies are with you. I do NOT post here often anymore. BUt I remember you my friend. Dork filed in JUly but did not serve me til the anniversary sate of when I expesed his adutery to the miltary. Dumba$$. A few days before Christams. But it means NOTHING. Noseparation papers agreed on. Not even that fisst initial informal meeting with a judge.

Cakeeater and a DOrk all at the same time. But I am in no hurry. I am doing far more than exisitng. But the regrets run deep. And I still love him. Wish my heart wasn't so stubbonr. But I won't have him back the way he is now. And the courage it would take for him to even acknowledge the damage he did, well when ****** freezes over has a better chance.

NOt meant as a thread jack. Just a hi there and I am going down fighting. Hmm sound familiar, my friend. Weather's nice out her!

Binder:

Fine is good.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Hi FAA,

I see you're still full of P and vinegar....good for you! Sorry about dork.....some men should have to take a test and get a licence before being allowed to have a penis. Too bad it can't be taken away. (well it can, but it's frowned on)

Glad the weather's great there....we've received all our winter in March. Still a foot of snow on the ground and more to come on the weekend........keeps the mosquitoes at bay though!

Good luck to you.

Hi, Binder.

Quote:
===================================
My concern lies with my children now, they didn't ask for this. For me though.....I know I'm going to be just fine.
===================================

I think you will find that if you are fine, they will be fine also. A single sane parent is always better than neither parent being sane.

God bless,
Gimble

Yup 2long......it is.


BTW....read about the loss of your friend...my regrets.

Nothing like the loss of a friend to render ones sense of priorities crystal clear. I wish you well.

Hi Binder.

Um, welcome to single life. Don't you feel different? I know I did, haw haw.

Plan B for life is... well, the jury's still out on that one, ain't it? I know it's not easy.

I'm glad you have your kids. I'm sure they're glad they have you, even if they don't know it yet.

I am not making sense. Rest assured, there are no chemicals involved.

GC

I am not long behind you on this one Binder...the reconciliation attempt was very short lived...spent Christmas and New Year's with me and then poof STBX got word OW was in a bad way (she is an alcoholic)...life threatening he stated and felt he could not live with himself if something happened to her...funny part is when he was crying at the front door to leave stated I had been so compassionate and loving during this time could we still remain friends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />...my answer ..friends ..heck no..and you know why ? because friends don't hurt friends the way you have hurt your family...three days previous to this was our 32 wedding Anniversary and my Birthday...gave me beautiful cards promising his undying love and thanking me for giving him a second chance...had flowers delivered to the House...took me out to dinner the whole shabang..son and granddaughters saw those cards and flowers as well...I now know Divorce is the only option to protect my family from more pain....for those of you whose husbands just walk away and stay away thank your lucky stars...the only reason I did attempt reconciliaton was because I got a call at three in the morning from my STBX begging me for help...he had just left his OW at a bar in a drunken stupor and I thought he had hit rock bottom...he promised me he would see a Dr. for depression and a professional for his issues...now know I just enabled him to get back on his feet and once I did bang he was off running again...the man I saw before me was not even close to the man I married and it was a wake up call big time...so Binder I am now pushing hard to finalize Divorce and be free of this man...I now have a sense of peace and am looking forward to my many new adventures in life....good luck to you and your precious children Binder

Binder

You have done well by your children...
as best and as much as you can and could...

you earn your place of admiration in a society that so readily with skewed vision sees dads as replacable and unimportant...

seek comfort and strength knowing that your actions were not ones based on selfishness...

be well..

ARK

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GC……I know you’re in a time zone an hour east of here and you have a day job….what are you doing up at that insane hour. Were you “entertaining” perhaps? Hmmmmmmmm?

NewOutlook…..I’m so sorry. My jaw dropped when I first heard about your WH wanting to return, I’m so sorry it was all for naught. Though the first cut may be the deepest, the second is almost always fatal to a marriage. I hope that crack lawyer you had on retainer has the appropriate actuaries and accountants to ensure your WH’s business earnings and assets are appropriately divided.

ARK, thanks for the validation…..them kids are work, but are such a source of pride for me. I will not be marginalized in their lives……won’t happen.

Weaver……I figger life and God have little they can do to me now that will keep me down. By the way God…..that was not a dare.

These past few days I’ve thought about dating again......... I think I’ll wait….










































































































OK...that's long enough, excuse me I have to make a call.