A little story - 07/10/05 09:17 PM
Last night I got a visit from an old friend whom I hadn't seen in years. After we had a chance to catch up with the things we've done since the last time we saw one another, he opened up and told me that almost a year ago he discovered that his W of 15 years was involved in a full blown affair. Needless to say he was devastated and his first reaction was to go to an attorney and file for divorce. When his W got served, she was devastated and pleaded with him to give her a second chance and that she would do everything he wanted but he refused to even consider it. A few weeks passed and he was able to get his emotions under control enough to start a dialog with his W. He calmly asked her the usual questions, of who the OM was, what was his name, where did he work, and the all important question 'Why did you have an affair?'. She answered all of them to the best of her abilities, and he said he told her the following afterwards:
He then got up and left her alone to ponder his words. The days went by and his demeanor towards his W softened and he became very nice towards her by doing things he had not done in years. Now he still wanted to divorce his W but he also wanted the last days of his marriage to be totally free of any acrimony between them. They both had teenage children to consider and he wanted to have a good post-divorce relationship with his W. His W stopped pleading with him and acknowledged to him that he had every right to divorce her for what she did to him, and she would leave the house if that is what he wanted. He told her that it was much her house as it was his and he would have nothing of the sort. The weeks went by and she opened up to him in ways she had not done since they were first married. She told him that she ended all contact with the OM the day after she was served with the divorce papers. That while she went through hell for the first 4 months, she was finally over him and wanted nothing more to do with him. My friend asked her why she did this, didn't she love him? She responded that while he did satisfy her long neglected needs for attention, affection, and admiration, she did not want to spend the rest of her life with him. She told my friend that the only reason why she even had sex with him, was because she did not want to lose the fulfillment of those EN which made her feel loved and valued as a woman. My friend said he apologized to his W for helping to create the situation where she was vulnerable to an affair but still wondered if a divorce was not the better option for her since he had done such a lousy job as a H and lover for such a long time. She told him, not anymore because in the weeks after d-day, he had once again become the man she had fallen in love with and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That night, she showed him the books she had been reading which included Dr Willard Harley's books 'His Needs, Her Needs', and 'Surviving an Affair' as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Busting' book, and Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. He was intrigued enough to start reading them and after finishing them, he wanted to try to save/rebuild his marriage. He told his W of his desire but only if she also wanted it. She was so overcomed with joy that she lept out of her chair and gave him a great big hug and a kiss. The following day he and his W went together to his attorney's office and he demanded he terminate all divorce petitions ASAP. Before he left he said that he now cringes when he considers how close his marriage came to ending, and how he thanks God for softening both his and his W hearts where they could forgive one another and find the happiness that had been missing for so many years in their marriage.
What stood out to me in my friend's story, is how when BOTH resigned themselves to the fact that their marriage was going to end, they both became free to open up to one another and shared their deepest thougts and feelings with one another [intimacy]. There was no questioning of each other's sincerity because with the advancing divorce there was nothing that the other could gain over the other. The resentment that he could have felt about being second best because she was afraid of what the divorce would to her reputation with her kids OR her resentment towards him for only caring about her because he was afraid of losing her to another man and not because he truly loved her, was simply not there. This INMNSHO made it easier for the two of them to save/rebuild their marriage.
Any thoughts?
TMCM
Quote
"While I may not have been the best H there is, I have always loved you and wished nothing less than your total happiness. If being with the OM makes you happy then I will not stop you from being with him."
He then got up and left her alone to ponder his words. The days went by and his demeanor towards his W softened and he became very nice towards her by doing things he had not done in years. Now he still wanted to divorce his W but he also wanted the last days of his marriage to be totally free of any acrimony between them. They both had teenage children to consider and he wanted to have a good post-divorce relationship with his W. His W stopped pleading with him and acknowledged to him that he had every right to divorce her for what she did to him, and she would leave the house if that is what he wanted. He told her that it was much her house as it was his and he would have nothing of the sort. The weeks went by and she opened up to him in ways she had not done since they were first married. She told him that she ended all contact with the OM the day after she was served with the divorce papers. That while she went through hell for the first 4 months, she was finally over him and wanted nothing more to do with him. My friend asked her why she did this, didn't she love him? She responded that while he did satisfy her long neglected needs for attention, affection, and admiration, she did not want to spend the rest of her life with him. She told my friend that the only reason why she even had sex with him, was because she did not want to lose the fulfillment of those EN which made her feel loved and valued as a woman. My friend said he apologized to his W for helping to create the situation where she was vulnerable to an affair but still wondered if a divorce was not the better option for her since he had done such a lousy job as a H and lover for such a long time. She told him, not anymore because in the weeks after d-day, he had once again become the man she had fallen in love with and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That night, she showed him the books she had been reading which included Dr Willard Harley's books 'His Needs, Her Needs', and 'Surviving an Affair' as well as Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Busting' book, and Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder'. He was intrigued enough to start reading them and after finishing them, he wanted to try to save/rebuild his marriage. He told his W of his desire but only if she also wanted it. She was so overcomed with joy that she lept out of her chair and gave him a great big hug and a kiss. The following day he and his W went together to his attorney's office and he demanded he terminate all divorce petitions ASAP. Before he left he said that he now cringes when he considers how close his marriage came to ending, and how he thanks God for softening both his and his W hearts where they could forgive one another and find the happiness that had been missing for so many years in their marriage.
What stood out to me in my friend's story, is how when BOTH resigned themselves to the fact that their marriage was going to end, they both became free to open up to one another and shared their deepest thougts and feelings with one another [intimacy]. There was no questioning of each other's sincerity because with the advancing divorce there was nothing that the other could gain over the other. The resentment that he could have felt about being second best because she was afraid of what the divorce would to her reputation with her kids OR her resentment towards him for only caring about her because he was afraid of losing her to another man and not because he truly loved her, was simply not there. This INMNSHO made it easier for the two of them to save/rebuild their marriage.
Any thoughts?
TMCM