WH began NC on July 14, gave in to temptation on Aug 18, and yesterday talked to OW again because of exposure. He is back to NC today (and he has been honest so far about any contact) I know NC is critical, and extremely difficult when working at the same company.

But tell me, I know he is in our house physically, but what does it take to remove himself from the A emotionally and mentally? He says he fights with himself 100x a day to not contact her. I believe he doesn't have the "want" to work on our marriage because he can't get over the emotional connection. I have been doing Plan A for a while now, and outside of talking about our relationship, we get along.

He has been talking about needing a change (separation/divorce) because we can't be going on like this and I don't want it at all. All efforts to do things as a couple flop because he doesn't WANT to be there with me. We have no problems doing things as a family.

OW's D will be final in about a month. I don't know what else to do to keep him in the house and for him to find the "WANT" to work on our marriage. Right now, only the kids are keeping him there. Any ideas?

wish I could offer you some advice...but your post sounds like I wrote it...sounds as if we are going through the very same situation.

jaded, I read yours and I felt your pain too.

I know NC is critical, and extremely difficult when working at the same company.

But tell me, I know he is in our house physically, but what does it take to remove himself from the A emotionally and mentally? He says he fights with himself 100x a day to not contact her.
IN orcder for him to remove himself from the A emotionally and mentally, he will HAVE to remove himself from being around her at all.
He will have to get a job at a different company.

Chris - he has been looking but nothing so far. It doesn't help that we live a considerable distance from where all the jobs would be (talking a 2hr commute 1 way) He won't quit his job with our future so uncertain even though he knows that we can get by on my salary.

It is all about the "WANT" to save the marriage not being there, so he isn't motivated to do anything to save the marriage, and physically being in the house (and having SF) is all he can do right now. Where do we find "WANT"?

He won't withdraw from the OW or be motivated to work on the marriage until contact ends. Until no contact takes place, recovery is impossible.

He went for a month with NC (physical) but thought of her constantly. How does he get past that? Without getting past any of that, he won't WANT our marriage. He keeps using the word WANT over and over that is why I keep stressing what he says.

2dog...

Hmm..I hear that alot too...WANT...I need and want a separation..if I want to paint the house pink I can, blah blah blah

2dog,

The classic saying applies to your situation...

You can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

All the veterans here will most likely tell you that you need to become what he needs. If he truly has NC he will eventually turn to you for the EN's. The thoughts will stay in his mind for a while, but you can help make those thoughts a little quieter by spending a lot of quality time with him. His thoughts will then drift to you over time and he will become dependant on you for his needs.

It's not easy, but don't give up.

2dog,

""but thought of her constantly. How does he get past that?""

This is called withdrawal, like withdrawing from a drug or an alcholic getting sober.

Withdrawal gets easier and starts going away with time and no contact. When H sees OW or speaks to OW its like the drunk polishing off a bottle of Wild Turkey or the druggy sucking down a dime rock from the crack pipe!!

So when contact occurrs, like even bumping into her at work, he keeps getting his fix and the withdrawal starts all over again. HE WILL NOT GET PAST THIS UNTIL NO CONTACT really happens.

k

He went for a month with NC (physical) but thought of her constantly.
Did he see her or talk with her at all?

How does he get past that?
Usually it'll take 6-8 weeks of ZERO contact. Simply thinking of her is not contact.
If there is ANY contact at all (an email, he sees her across the parking lot, etc) it'll start all over and take another 6-8 weeks.

He didn't talk to her at all, and if he caught a glimpse of her in the kitchen he didn't go in. Obviously in a work environment there is a chance to get a work-related email, but nothing personal.

2dog,

""Obviously in a work environment there is a chance to get a work-related email, but nothing personal.""

Your own signature line says they occasionally BUMP into each other at work, correct? So it is not just emails...or is it?

Who are you trying to convince?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

k

Krusht - WH did say that if he sees her in the kitchen he will not go in there. Being a company of about 75 people, it is possible to bump into each other, and short of a job change, there isn't much else he can do to avoid her. He has said he will resume NC, but refuses to write a letter because he is afraid she will move on.

but refuses to write a letter because he is afraid she will move on.

Ask him what he is keeping her "on the sidleines" for.
Why not be kind to her & let her get on with her life and be able to find someone she CAN be with?
This is one reason for the no contact letter.

Usually it'll take 6-8 weeks of ZERO contact. Simply thinking of her is not contact.
If there is ANY contact at all (an email, he sees her across the parking lot, etc) it'll start all over and take another 6-8 weeks.

Dogmom,

Are we getting through YET? It doesn't seem so.

Your WH will not be able to come back to your marriage in any way shape or form until and ONLY until your WH quits his current job and doesn't see,hear or speak to OW ever,again.This is NON negotiable.Don't fall for his excuses.

He doesn't want to write a NC letter because he doesn't want to burn either bridge.And right now he is getting needs and whatever else met by having both you the family and the OW in his life.

IMO he won't change at all until you pull out and let him see if OW can meet all his needs.Plan B.

All this talk about avoiding the OW at work etc is bunk.My WH used to say the same thing as if I would believe it.He just can't help bumping into the OW because he will not stop it from happening.HE won't.

O

That is called CONTACT. When we are talking about NO CONTACT, we mean NO CONTACT. The distinction you are trying to make is about like a recovering alcoholic rationalizing "work related" drinks over casual drinks. There is no difference, 2dogman, and your H has NEVER ended contact with the OW. Contact is contact.

2dogmom, let's try and be real here. The truth is that your H doesn't really want your marriage except as a matter of convenience. He likes that you meet certain needs of his and will keep you on the sidelines. His main love will be the OW, whom he will keep pursuing and hopefully hook up with her when you become too troublesome.

That is the situation that you are faced with, 2dogmom. There is no "thread" here. Your H has no reason to change anything. Because of that, it will be up to you to make changes if you want anything to change.


I betcha he says lots of things, doesn't he?