I just wanted to see how you were doing. How are things going on your recovery?

Working hard at it. I've decided that Recovery is not two steps forward and one step back for me. It is more like a game of Chutes and Ladders.

I'm either working hard to climb up or I'm sliding down, feeling out of control.

How are you?

Are you still going to MC?
I'm doing okay. I have my good and bad days.

We haven't been to MC, with the exception of our session with SH three weeks or so ago.

Of course there will be good and bad days. I'm sure you've heard the term 'rollercoaster' mentioned here a time or two by now.

I don't know what the situation is with your ex-fiance. Is that a Recovery that you are pursuing together or is this a Personal Recovery for you?

I am very fortunate to have a FWS who is very dedicated to Recovery, despite the fact that I have often times dug my heels in.

Regardless of the path you choose, I hope you continue to come here for answers. There is someone here who has experienced just about every type of situation imaginable.

I'm saddened lately to see so many new members, but glad that they found a place where they may find opportunities to better their lives and their relationships.

I am so happy to hear that your spouse is willing and trying for recovery. THAT is a big key.
I am working more on my personal recovery. I figure, if I can recover and move on. I can start to work on our relationship. To be honest. I am just taking it day by day.
What do you mean by "dug my heels in"?

LOL!

I mean...resisted, rebelled, LB'd, sat down and refused to move, refused to listen, attempted to sabotage, attempted to get HIM to sabotage.

Oh, that sounds like me!!!!!!!
I know he is trying, I just keep sticking my foot out there to trip him up. BAD me!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Are you going to IC? How are YOU feeling about this all right now?
Knowing that there is someone that has been through something very similar and is trying to work it out, give me hope.

I am not going to IC.

How am I feeling? Of course that depends on the day, but I'm working hard to maintain some sort of consistency.
I'll bump our recovery thread for you.

Hope is a good thing.

hrt1,
I am glad to hear you are going to IC. I really never thought I would be a proponent of IC but here I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I find it helps me. It is good to know that at least once a week I can speak to a person who is there to listen...you can talk to friends or family but it is not the same...

You said you don't know if you can trust him...it sounds like he is realizing that as well, since he calls you if he is coming home late and tells you where he is. It will not be easy to get trust back...it will probably take some time.

I know it took my friend about 2 years to get to a good place in her M after her H's A. Now she says that him having another A is not really on her mind at all...She says what is important is to work out the problems that led to the A.

So, do you know what led to the A? Even if it is a ONS, there must be a reason why that happened. I would imagine the reason would help you to figure out whether it could happen again...just a thought.

I am not doing too well today. My H and I are not really working on the R (M) so it is really frustrating at times...My life seems so unresolved... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I saw him on Monday night, he watched a movie at my place...we started of kind of iffy, he was being his distant self, but then it got better, and we held hands and it did feel like when we first met...

I really don't know what to do. My friend tells me that it takes time and that in the long run taking a 1 year and slowly getting back to resolving/rebuilding the R is not that long after all, but as you go through it it feels really long.

I called him yesterday but I did not hear from him...that always leaves me frustrated and then I start to think in extremes, that I should cut all contact and stop calling, cause I start feeling like a fool for still talking to him, etc...Anyway, kind of a rough day...

Sometimes I wonder why am I still around. This man left me, said many hurtful things to me, and here I am still around. He can still call me and talk to me and hang out with me. Basically, it is like we are dating again...but I cannot say anything about my feelings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />, no ILY stuff at all, it is hard to keep all your feelings in. Darn, what a messy situation...

Hope your day is going well.
Daisy

Daisy,
Thanks for the encouragement. I know it will just take some time. I'm impatient and want things to be better NOW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
He wont talk about why. I've tried to talk to him before, but it could be that it was WAY too soon. Maybe after a few more weeks, we can really get down to why it happened. I have hope that things will turn out for the better. Whether that be I stay with him or not.
I am so sorry you are having a bad day. It sounds like he still has feelings for you though. If he came over, was willing to open up a little, physically, and seems to want to keep the contact open. I know what you mean by going from "I want to work this out to, this is stupid, I am going to cut it all off and walk away." Are you doing things without him? IE. have you joined a club, picked up a hobby, gone to the movies or taken yourself out on a date? It's funny, but guys will keep us on a string until they begin to realize that WE are about to cut that string. Then they seem to come to their senses and not only cut the string shorter, but sometimes tie it to their heart. I know, sounds corny, but sometimes it's true.
I know it may seem hard right now, but go out, not on dates with other men, but go out with yourself. Find something you have always wanted to do, but didn't because he either didn't approve or never wanted to.
I know this is complete rebellion on my part, but for the last 4 years I have made every decision with my family and fiancee in mind. NEVER thinking of what I wanted or needed. I'm 26, and even though that isn't old, it isn't young. But for the last 6 years I've wanted to get a REALLY small diamond piercing in my nose. Well, I went out and did it, without asking or consulting with him. He was pretty upset and wanted me to take it out, but I told him that "No, I wanted it for a long time, but never did it because of him. But that I was going to start thinking about myself now." That I was tired of always putting him and my family above myself. I know, I know, that was definately an act of rebellion, but I figure it can be taken out and isn't permanent and shows a small ounce of stepping into the new me that I want to create.

Hey, hrt1,

You sound quite strong and I think you will get through this. As I said, 2 month after finding out about his A is really a short time for you to be completely over it. I was hurting a lot for 4 months after my H left me. It is only in the last month or so that I have been able to pull myself from the muddy floor I have been crowling after him in
I'M JUST GOING TO TRY AND GIVE MYSELF SOME TIME TO FIGURE MYSELF OUT FIRST. RIGHT NOW I FEEL HEALING MYSELF IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING AT THIS POINT IN TIME.

I know you said you have not spoken to your sister, but do you want to? It sounds like you talked since you found out and she has not shown any remorse. Many of the WS here do not show remorse for some time, some take years. So, she may yet take some time...sadly enough.
I HONESTLY DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE OR TALK TO HER AGAIN. TO ME SHE HAS REACHED A POINT IN MY HEART THAT SHE DOESN'T EXIST. THIS MAY NOT BE THE BEST WAY TO THINK, BUT RIGHT NOW THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN THINK ABOUT HER.

I tell you, that when ever I spoke to my H and cried at the same time, he would get angry. I think he did not like facing the fact that he was hurting me. At one point he told me "why can we not begin to heal". He wanted to move on but I was not ready... It sounds like your fiance (BF) wants the same thing...just move on...
I HEAR THAT IS TYPICAL OF THE OTHER SPOUSE. THEY FEEL GUILTY, FEEL LIKE THEY ARE PAYING ENOUGH BECAUSE THEY ARE PUTTING THEMSELF THROUGH THEIR OWN MENTAL ****** AND JUST WANT TO FORGET THEY MADE SUCH A HUGE ERROR.

Did he tell you why he slept with her, even if it was only once? Is so, are you satisfied with the answer. i.e.: do you believe him? Do you trust him not to do anything like this again? He may not want to go to MC, but what about reading some book?
HE HASN'T SAID WHY YET. WHEN I ASKED HIM HE JUST SEEMS TO BE AT A LOSE FOR WORDS, LIKE HE CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY HE DID IT EITHER. AT THIS POINT I DON'T TRUST HIM AT ALL. I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER WILL EITHER. ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

hrt1,


I thought as much. It is quite possible that he really does not know why he did it...but it is also possible that he kind of does but saying it may hurt you more...Neither is good for you now...I would imagine not knowing 'why' is one of the reasons you cannot begin to trust again...

I really don't know how you rebuild trust after an A. I am always very amazed by people here who are able to take their WS back...How do they do it??

I myself, still love my H, but I have to say it is not in the same way as before. In some sense I loved him unconditionally, I was willing to do anything. Now, I am not. I love him in a more reasonable way. I want him back, but I have bounderies as far as what I will put up with. I don't know if that is better or worse...

I have learned a lot in the last few months. For one, I know that even if we were to make it work, I would never feel that we were in it till death do us part...I know better now, and somehow I know that I would always make a decision keeping in mind that I could end up being alone. This is true even if I have another relationship...

I don't know if that is sad or just realistic...

Daisy

I guess right now I am just going to back away from that whole situation. Give us both some time to digest what he did. We are leaving on a trip, what was supposed to be our honeymoon, in about a month. We bought the tickets before this disaster and it's a place I've always wanted to go, so I figure, what the heck. Anyways, I am going to try to not bring the ONS up until we are away from our jobs, family and school. Maybe that trip will be our chance to really talk and figure out why he did it and if we can move on together.
I used to think the same thing. "HOW could they accept their spouse back after they did that to them? There is NO WAY I would do that. There just isn't an excuse or reason for betraying your loved one like that!" Well, I've had to eat those words. Its completely different when you are walking down that path.
I think that it is good you love him still, but that you are being more respectful of yourself and what you will or wont put up with anymore. To me that just means you aren't going to be his floormat anymore. And to be honest, HE WILL RESPECT YOU MORE FOR STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF. As sad as it may seem, being realistic will save you a lot of heartache down the road. That is why I'm not really doint anything yet, as far as deciding whether I want to work it out with him or not, because I know I would be making a choice with my emotions and not because I have thought it through and feel it is the best thing for me.

Frozen or Daisy,
I know this is going to sound like a stupid question, but I have looked through every place on this website I can think that a reference to "Plan A, Plan B" would be, but I can't find anything. Is this from a book or is it actually on the website?
I know, I know. Kind of a dumb question.

hrt1,

Yes, from the outside it is easy to look in and say I would leave! I have people that ask me if I have filed D paper yet? I am not that far yet. As you say, we need to make our decisions not based on emotions we feel at a given moment, but based on what we truely believe is the right think to do...

I am not ready to sign any D papers. I don't think my H is either...he says he wants to be just friends but he does not act like it...

I think he does miss me and still loves me, but I don't think he will come back to our M. Something tells me that he just does not believe we can have a better M than we did...I cannot convince him that it is possible...

Whenever I think of this, it makes me want to cry...life sure is more complicated then I thought it would be...

Enjoy your trip...try to find some way to each other. It really sounds like you are very clear about what you want and what you need to do...some days are just harder then others....I understand that.

Take your time...
Daisy

Where were you about two months ago?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />You have really helped me and I feel like you understand me.
I am so sorry that today is such a hard day for you. I'm sure you feel like you are on a roller coaster. Up and hopeful one minute, down and hopeless the next.
I guess I want to believe that if you loved someone once, and shared the deepest part of your life with them, there is ALWAYS hope. Since he is still willing to have contact with you, I feel their is hope. If he refused to talk to you, see you or have anything to do with you, that would be different. I don't want to give you false hope, because I don't know your H and what he is feeling or thinking, but keep your head up. Believe in tomorrow. BUT MOST OF ALL, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know those are really corny words, but after this whole situation, I've realized only one thing. There is NO ONE in life that you need to impress and be true to other than YOURSELF. That sounds selfish, but it is too true.

It's not a dumb question...everytime I search for it I have trouble finding it. I'm no Plan A or B expert, not even close, but I believe both plans are designed to bring about an end to the A. Here's the link:


What are Plan A and B?

Thanks for the link. I have searched just about everywhere I could think. People kept making references to plan a and b, but I had no idea what they were talking about.

hrt1,
Thank you for your kind words <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...it is not corny, it brought tears to my eyes...

I really don't want to have false hope...yet I am not ready to completely give up either...

You are right, 2 months ago I was a complete mess. Now, I am in such a better place, I can actually function...
The thing is that then I had more hope then now, but now I have given my H want he wanted, his space and freedom, which is probably better if we are to have a chance...

I wish I knew what he was thinking...

You know, the other day H came over and I had a baking sheet out that had really just crumps from what I had baked for a party some days back. H commented 'oh you baked something' and was picking at the crumps. I was laughing inside. Yes, he will miss me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I am a great baker and he always loved everything I made. Now, he was getting crumps and I could tell he missed not having more. I baked so much for him then (now I don't do it much, cannot eat it all). But I did get this satisfuction from him not being able to have more <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...If he does not miss me, he must miss my cooking and baking...he is basically a spagetti man when he is on his own (cannot seem to do much more)...

Sounds like you are doing well today...

I have to say that it is kind of sad that you and your sister are loosing touch. I really cannot even imagine what I would do if my brothers (I don't have a sister) betrayed me in some way...they are not always understanding, but the kind of betrayal you just suffered is just beyound normal...you seem to be taking that well...time will probably also help, and maybe one day you two can reconcile...

Enjoy
Daisy

hrt1,
I wrote a summary of plan A and B for eav some days back...you will hear a lot about them here, so here is the summary of the two plans as written by Dr. Harley

The way I understand it, both plan A and plan B are about the BS letting the WS know that there can be NC between WS and OP. Plan A does that via negotiation, Plan B via NC from BS.

By Dr. Harley

So, where do you live? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just kidding. I love to cook too, but once I've made it, I'm not hungry. Go figure, I put all this time and effort into it, and then don't eat it.
Hm, maybe you should start leaving cooking books out on the counter or find a air freshner that smells like freshed baked pie and tell him you just took it over to a friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Oh, I am bad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Seriously, have you thought about taking cooking classes or joining a cooking group (I don't know if that even exists, but thought I would throw it out there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />)
To be honest, I don't really miss her. She has always been someone that lied, cheated and destroyed lives. I'm actually relieved she is out of my life. I'm just sad that it took this disgusting mess to make that choice for me.

hrt1,


Good idea!!!

I have thought of taking cooking classes before...but really I enjoy being in my kitchen and trying new things from my cookbooks. I guess my bigest problem now is => who will eat it. I made an Indian dish last saturday and I had to throw some out because I just could not eat all the left overs. Bad! I have to learn to cook for one again...

Oh, I am sorry about your sister...i guess you can always hope she comes around and changes on her own...might take a while though....

Enjoy.
Daisy

How is your day going today? I hope it is going good.
Are you friends with your neighbors? You could cook and take it over to them. If you joined a cooking class I am sure you could find SOMEONE that would let you cook for them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Hey, here is an idea. You could put an ad in the paper saying "Will cook for you, but don't complain if it isn't good." Just kidding. People at work will ALWAYS clear out anything left on a table in the breakrooms. You could cook what you want, take it to work and it will be GONE in a heartbeat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

hrt1,
You got a great sense of humor <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />! I do know my neighbors and I am sure they would love it, they got kids...I'll think on that...

I got a flue, so I am tired today..and trying not to think too much about H. I am a bit ticked off today at him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. I don't know how to feel about the fact that I am noticing my love for this man being eaten away...The way he is acting is just so beyond me I don't even understand him now...He called yesterday, but basically wanted me to help him with something and when I refused (I really could not do it, he needed to do it himself) he just stopped engaging in the conversation (had nothing to say and did not seem interested in what I was saying). I ended the call, cause I really felt like he just called me out of duty (I had left a message the day earlier) and to get me to help him. I am angry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. He just wants things his way...he does not even get it that he is trying to use me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.....

I know it is probably a good think that we are still talking and that there may yet be hope for us...but hrt1, I really get the impression from him when he talks to me that he is trying to get me to hear his hidden message "don't think that because I am doing x or y, we are getting back together now". It makes me so mad. I really feel that vibe from him, almost every time we talk...it is getting to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...Does he not even realize that at the end the day I may not even want him back?!! My LB is not that full anymore...and he is not doing anything for that to change. No where to go but down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...

I am sorry, I am just kind of ticked off today. I guess my H's superior attitude is getting to me...

Hope your day is going well...

Daisy

Daisy,
I love to know I've made someone smile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm sorry you are having a bad day today. It stinks you have the flu on top of everything. It's probably because your body has worn itself down and needs to relax and sleep.
I SWEAR your H is either my fiancee in disguise or is somehow related!!!!!!!!! They sound sooooooo much alike. My fiancee will be nice and sweet until he realizes I am not going to do what he wants, THEN he gets mean, ugly and starts to close me out. Of course, he knows this used to terrify me, so I would cave. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> But, little does he know, by doing what he did, he has released a side of me that I didn't even know existed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am a lot stronger than I EVER imagined.
He just wants things his way... he does not even get it that he is trying to use me..... This statement is HUGE, HUGE, HUGE!!!!! I say this not because he can't get it, but because YOU DO!!!! YEAH for you!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
What I have found with this type of guy is that they like knowing there is someone they can step on, and they don't respect them at all. UNTIL the other person stands up for themself and shows that they wont be a floormat anymore. I can say this because that is how my fiancee is. When I begin to back away emotionally, not being rude or cold, but just backing away from him. Acting like I just don't need him anymore, he comes running and full force. Trust me, I never had the will or strength to do this until he had sex with my sister, but now, I realize that I CAN AND WILL live without him if I so choose to, I don't NEED him anymore and can do just fine without him. THAT above anything else, has shaken him to his core, that the person he thought would be there to put up with his junk, no matter what he did, has finally been pushed to the point of standing up and pushing back.
Have you told him you don't appreciate him using you and from now on you won't stand for it? I know it will be hard, but do you feel like you could tell him if he doesn't want a relationship with you, that you are going to move on? That you wont be anyones floormat or plaything anymore. That you have to start looking out for you and doing what is best for your life.

hrt1,
I feel that I can live without him...I don't need him in my life...I would like him there but it is not a need...I know I'll be just fine...

I have not said anything like this to him, no. We are not talking about our R anymore...I don't know how to bring this up now...I basically am living my own life and I hope he can see that I am functioning and surviving without him...yes I have had opportunities where I guess I could have said something along these lines, but I did not. Basically, becuase I was still too surprised by his words to react in this way at the time...

About a week ago, I was at a BBQ with my collegues. The day later I told H about it and he said something like "how does it feel telling people about us"..or how I feel telling people about us (he said it with a smirk)...I was kind of surprised he would even ask that...I may be sensitive but I would never say anything like that. I just maniged an ok. My friend then told me, "Daisy, you got to stop being too nice, next time say, oh it feels great!!!". I wish I had said that. I think he was being insensitive? Or am I overreacting?


I am glad you are stronger. I think this kind of thing ends up showing us how strong we actually can be...and noone can put us down if we don't let them...YEY!

Daisy

As tough as it may seem, you have begun to make your first steps to a new life. I also think you have made it through the toughest part.
I think he is being really insensitive. What an A$$. Does he enjoy seeing you hurt? I agree with your friend, don't let him walk all over you. If he treats you badly, stand up for yourself and shove back. I know it is easier said than done, oh do I know that. I guess I'm just tired of the selfish guys getting their way and treating us like they do, and getting away with it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I know, when this all first happened I kept thinking "There is no way ANYTHING good could come out of this!!!" But, I've found the BEST thing that is coming out of this disaster is I am realizing how strong I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />:):)

No one can get away with it or get their way, so to speak, unless you allow them.

Where are you boundaries? Do you find the line is flexible? If you allow the boundary line to be moved, they will continue to test it.

What are you willing to accept? If a behavior exists that you are not willing to accept, what are you prepared to do if a boundary is crossed?

Just food for thought.

Frozen,
I know what you mean and that is a GOOD POINT. I guess I should rephrase what I said. I am definately directing this at myself more than anyone else.
"I'm just tired of selfish guys getting their way and treating us like they do and getting away with it, because we allow them to."

hrt1 and frozen,
I do need to watch my bounderies...I have let him get away with many comments (many stupid comments)...for the most part I am a conflict avoider (I hate that title) and I am trying hard to change...The fact is that it does bother me and I need to do something about it then and there and not sit on it anymore...

I always worry that I will come of as mean...so I just say nothing, but that does not help the situation...I got to draw the boundery lines, seriously!

Daisy

I know what you mean, I would rather just let things go and ignore them than face them head on sometimes. At other times I want to sit down and have it out NOW!!!!!
I guess it's just a matter of making bounderies and sticking to them. As quoted from Frozen.
"What are you willing to accept? If a behavior exists that you are not willing to accept, what are you prepared to do if a boundary is crossed?"

This is a tough one. I guess sometimes I questions whether I am just being too sensitive. But I do have to think about this very seriously...

I told myself I would not call H for a couple of days. I did not call yesterday and he did not either. It will be hard today not to call...but I have been thinking about what exactly am I getting out of talking to him...am I just prolonging the pain...would cutting all ties not be better for me in the long run...

I guess I just really don't know what to do. The last time we had any R talk (about a month ago), H said "I just want friendship". But what we have now is not friendship. I don't kiss my friends...and they don't kiss me back...

I am afraid to bring up any R talk, I just do not want to hear anything he has to say regarding the two of us together and how he is not even thinking that way...I would like to let him know that I understand he needs his space and that working on the R is a long term process and that we don't have to see a MC, but we can still see each other and see if we can find a way to each other without loosing ourselves. But, the fact is that I feel that by saying that I would yet again set myself up for more hurt...

Daisy

Right now it is really easy to be sensitive. Your feelings and emotions and been drug through the mud. Because of the past few months, you have been in a complete whirlwind.
Are you to the point you want to make the decision to move on with our without him? From what I have read, he wants his cake and eat it too. He is stringing you along, but wants to keep you on the backburner.
I would give him some space, no phonecalls, emails, movie nights etc.... You may find that YOU don't want him in your life anymore and you are tired of the yo-yo game he is playing.
How long are you willing to give him to make up his mind? I know that sounds harsh, but I am DEFINITELY not saying it that way in my mind. It's hard to show expressions and tones through the written word.

hrt1,
Oh, I know you are not beeing harsh and even if you were, you are writing cause you want to help. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have been thinking a lot about how long I am willing to give him...it is hard to say...In the long run, 6 months is not a lot...but it is a lot when I think I would still be in this stage for another 6 months and am I willing to have my life be at a stand still while he makes up his mind. And what if it is no, did I just waste 6 months? So, I am not set on that. I guess it would be easier to give myself a time line if I knew that he still thought we could potentially be together...if he told me today "I don't know what I want, I don't know if I want to be with you or not, I need time and space to figure things out, but I have not completely ruled out the two of us as a couple but there are no garantees that we will be a couple" I would appreciate that. I would be willing to wait 6 months or so and see what happens but at the same time take care of me and see what life has to offer for me ...

But as is, he said he wants to be just friends...yet at the same time he wants to hang at my house, watch movies, have sex when he feels like, ask me to do stuff for him...etc.
Yet, I cannot ask him anything(and certainly don't bring up the R/M)
It sure does sound like fense sitting <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So, what is my plan you may be asking <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.
It really is to put some distance between us. By that I mean that I do not call as often, that I do not pick up the phone (and don't return calls that day). That I in general make myself less available to him, maybe hang out once a week...or even less...It will help me move on (if we have no chance) and it might help him to see that he still wants me in his life. I think this is really the only way that I win. A 180. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your thoughts...
Gives me something to think about...

Daisy

Whew! It's so hard to get the point across without sounding hard and rude. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
The only thing about time lines is, the closer you get to the end, if you aren't sure you make rash decisions because you gave yourself a cut off. That cut off may come before you are truly ready to make that choice. You will know in your heart when you are ready. Don't rush it or try to put an exact time on when to give up or move on. You may make a wrong choice.
Oh boy, you described the relationship I had at one time with my fiancee. At one time we broke up, I wasn't living with him at the time, and he wanted to "be friends" but have all the benefits of a relationship. I'm not trying to give you hope, but eventually I moved in with him and we started to make plans to get married. I mean, forget what he did three months ago, we truly were moving on TOGETHER. Even after going through a time where I felt there was just no way we were ever going to get back together. Eventually he realized he wasn't being fair, mind you, that was after I started going out and moving on, but he finally got off the fence.
Your plan sounds perfect. You take care of you FIRST and foremost. The rest will fall into place. I know, easier said than done. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Well, I am off of work and I don't usually sign on during the weekend, so I hope you have a wonderful weekend, and I will chat with you later.

hrt1,
Thanks. It helps to have someone to talk to (or write to in this case). I guess sometimes I feel like my situation is so hopeless and that is when I really need to get it all out...and then I feel better again.

Enjoy your weekend...

I really hope that everything on your front is going well...it sounds to me like you got a handle on it all. Take care

Daisy

Daisy,
I know how much better it feels after you have just spilled it all. It seems to take a load off. I am just glad you feel like you can do that with me. I don't know if my advice is always the best, but I like to give it a shot.
How was your weekend?
I spent most of it sleeping. I haven't had a good nights sleep in about 2 months. I don't go to sleep until late, and then wake up about every hour. So, my body finally said, ENOUGH, and crashed.

Hey hrt1, (sorry this is long, I just kept going...you don't have to read it all....thanks... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />)

I have been sleeping better now too. Just seem a bit less anxious...sleeping is nice...

It is cold here (we got our first bit of snow this morning but it is all melted now) and cold always makes me sleep better and longer. Hate getting up in the morning though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

I am realizing that my H wants all the benefits of being with me...he called me and we ended up watching a movie at my house F, S, and SU night. Then yesterday he wanted to go to the movies in the evening so we went....I don't expect to talk to see him for the next couple of days...He works a late shift T,W,Th, and is really not pleasant to be around nor to talk to...when he is tired he is quick at brushing me off ...

This is the problem...I really don't want to talk to him during these days cause he is so distant, but at the same time I need to talk to him during these times to get comfortable with him (if it is going to work) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> and also to show him that I can handle him in any mood.....His depression was a big issue for us...


I did not know how to handle it when he was really down...he is quite moody...and when he works late is extra so...

So, I don't know what I am doing...I know that I am in a better place and can walk away if need be, but at the same time, I still want to speak to him and see him and in general be around him...

This is where that saying "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" lurks around in the back of my mind... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Is my H never going to miss me enough to come back if he can get his needs met by me (be with me for conversation, companionship(physical as well as emotional) etc, and at the same time does not need to deal with any responsibilities that come along when you are in a M?

I guess only time will tell how long this can go on...how long I can take it.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

Is he getting his cake and eating it too? Perhaps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

But I am slowly very slowly showing my boundaries <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...He came over on Sat. and asked if I had eaten dinner. I said yes. He started rummaging around in the kitchen, wanting to know if there was anything to eat...I said, all I got are eggs and potatoes, and I left the kitchen. (I think he hoped I would make something for him). Then he started eating something I was saving and I told him next time he should ask me first before just eating it. He was surprised and was all (you got 2 jars of this stuff) and I said, that does not matter, you don't know why I am saving it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

So, small steps...

Then on Sun. he called and said he was up for going to the movies IF I wanted to take him out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I said, who am I??? and laughed and did not commit to it. He ended up calling me later and just asking if he could come over and watch a movie that I just bought...

I don't know how long this can go on... On some level it feels like it is a game to him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...

He wants me in his life...The other day, he started telling me all these different plans he was making for Fri night (he could go here, or here or there, etc...) I said I had no plans...and I got off the phone. He called me soon after and asked if he could come over again...So, even though he had all these potential plans he opted to come hang out with me...It is not easy to stop hanging out with a person that you have been with almost daily for the past 4 years...

Then he was telling me he saw a book downtown he wanted to get for me (but does not have enough cash), was thinking I would really be into it. He was at a jewellry galary and said we should go down there...that I would like it... (I have started making my own jewelry as a hoby, it is fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!!)
So, he is thinking about me in a very nice way... : <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

So, there it is...
I don't know what is happening...but on some level I have been fighting for 4 months after he left, and frankly I need a break...I cannot fight him now....I want to be able to get some sleep and go to work and function in general...I anyway feel that I am in a better place where if I don't talk to him I can keep going...

I'll stop now, since I am really not saying anything worthwhile, just rambling....

thanks for listening hrt1 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

Daisy,
Whew! I thought you were not posting anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I've really looked forward to talking to you. I guess because we sound like we are so much alike.
I have to leave soon to take my new kitten to the vet, but I will try to log on tonight and write a lot more. If I don't get the time, I will definately get on first thing in the morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

hrt1,
Oh yes, I am around. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />..
I had a crazy day yesterday and then went to a late show to the movie with H...we ended up going to a theater about 35 miles from us...it was fun getting out of our town and going to this small town for a late movie...it just seems like I never get away....

I like chating with you too...Hey, what does hrt1 stand for? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Just curios...

I actually changed my log in name after my kitty died <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...her name was daisy...I then planted white daisy in my yard to remind me off her....I am a cat person now...

I actually was a dog person until I met H...He wanted cats, so last year we got daisy and she was such a wonderful cat! I grew to really love her. She was a true cat, gave me a lot of attitude <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />, but whenever I went outside she would walk with me to get the mail and walk around the neighberhood...I miss her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...

Now, I got these 2 kittens (I say kittens cause they are small cats, although they are over 1 year old.) They are best buds now and they just love to hang around me...I am glad I have then otherwise I would alone in this house....One of them is such a dear, but she talks up a storm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />...crazy!!!

Anyway, I appreciate any thoughts you got to my thread....

Hope your kitty is well... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

Hey me again...

So, I have reread some of my posts and boy am I completely doing the opposite of what I said I would do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />! Darn, darn...

It is just so hard not to say yes to him when he asks me to go to a movie or hang...it is hard to say no when we have such nice time together <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />....

Oh boy...I said I would do a 180, I know <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...and I certainly did not do that this weekend...
Well, this friday I am going to a gettogether so I am busy that day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...but on some level I agreed to go out with him on Sunday (I don't even know how I committed myself to it, darn again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />...)

You know, this is hard...but do baby steps count <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />? I mean, I did not ask him to come over and watch the movies...I did suggest the movie on Monday at 7pm, and I said 'give me a call if you are interested'. He was busy till 8, called me then (I let the machine get it) and he did say I'm sorry I did not call you earlier...He called again 15 minutes later, I did not pick up again...Then I called him later and he again said sorry, and I said don't worry about it (all care free)...and then he said sorry again in the car, and 'I hope you were not waiting for me', and I said, 'oh no, I was working <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />' (again I said it all up beat...it did not bother me that he did not call...)...

So, I think this is good, even though it is small progress...

Do you think I am kidding myself? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Honestly???

Daisy

I know, it's already Wednesday! I've been pretty busy this week.
hrt1 is just short for hurt one. No biggie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
What movie did you guys go see?
Where do you live? You made a reference to snow and I was just wondering what poooooooor place has snow already. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> I live in Colorado and can say I'm not looking forward to the first snow. I kind of like spring and fall a lot better than winter. It's so ugly here during the winter months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I have a dog, which I absolutely LOVE and ADORE. She has been everything to me for the last 10 years. We live in a new developmentand all the disgusting mice decided to make our house their home, so I got the kitten to hopefully take care of the problem. I HATE, HATE, HATE mice. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> The kitten is pretty cute though. REALLY lovable. My dog and the kitten sleep together at night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It is so easy to do that when you still love someone. I find myself doing the same thing as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
I guess the question you should be asking yourself is "If he tells me next week that he wants a D or need some space to think, how will I handle that?"
It sounds like you have set some lines within yourself and are sticking to them though. Ie.... not returning his calls, making yourself COMPLETELY available to him. You are moving on without him, but also letting him know that you would like to be with him, but you don't NEED him to continue living.
Some would disagree with you and me, but I think baby steps are the only way some people can do this, including me. I know I couldn't just turn it off, cut him out without knowing DEEP in my heart that it was completely my choice and I knew that it was the best thing for me.
Some day you may wake up and not think about him, or WANT to think about him. Or, you could wake up and know that you are willing to do anything to save your relationship.
Everyone is different, some make a clean cut, others need time and baby steps. It's whatever works for you.
If I've learned nothing else during the last two months, I've learned that everyone has an opinion, but ultimately, it is YOU that has to make the choice and LIVE with that.
I don't know if I have made any sense or helped, I hope I have. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

hrt1,

I hope you cat does turn into a mouser! The cat I lost was all about hunting, my neighbors loved her!!

I am in Calgary, Canada. It is actually not too bad right now. It gets cold in the night, so if there is any rain during the day, itu snows overnight. But the weather here can be quite crazy since it can get up to 70 and be really nice during the day even if it is cold at night... Nevertheless, I am not looking forward to winter (30 below is no fun!)

I had a cockerspaniel some years back and I would love to have one again sometimes... I still love dogs, but I have turned to a cat lover (I use to be a cat tolerator)

You are right, at the end it is up to me what I do...

I think baby steps is really the way for me (at least right now)...however, if he said I don't want to see you anymore, NC, etc, it would not crush me...he crushed me 4 months ago, there are no repeats!

Today I feel a bit angry and am really not in any mood to talk to him! I just feel mad. I look at what he is doing and I think "this is what you left me for?" I mean he left to chase his own dreams and live his own life (his words) and I really don't see anything so amazing happening....I should not say this...He has the right to live his own life....

How are things with you....are you and your boyfriend talking??? How is that going....

Best,
Daisy

I hope so too. I've had two other cats before I got my dog. I just hope I don't have to see those disgusting mice in my home again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Oh boy, I'll bet it gets FREEZING there. I can't say I have been there during the winter. I don't really want to either. I've heard about tires freezing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Being mad is definately a better feeling than feeling like you are flat out on your back. I know exactly what you mean by not seeing anything amazing that he just HAD to do. My boyfriend was the same way when we split at the beginning of our relationship. I just couldn't get what he had to leave me for. But only after I told him I wasn't going to waste my time on him anymore and that I needed to live my life too. THEN he decided the life he was living wasn't so great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
It's funny how something that was devistating makes us stronger and aware of what the other person is capable of. I do know that my boyfriend/fiancee/whatever <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> will NOT, NOT NOT NOT get another chance. He messed up and royally, he will not get that chance again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
How is your work week going?

hrt1,


I can so relate!!! I came home many times and found guts and all, discasting stuff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />...


Good for you!

I don't think I would see the same response...My H left and did say he needed time to himself, figure out what he needed, etc...I tried to be understanding but I when he first left I wanted to work on the M and I would ask him if he wanted to...on our anniversiry he said NO, but then said he would when he saw the pain on my face...then 3 months later...kept insisting he needed space...I then said I would not speak to him for a couple of weeks...then when I did call and I asked him if he would still see MC that I was ready to work on it now...he said yes, then changed his mind less then 2 weeks later when he was in CA...THat is when I said, fine...I basically replied to his email and said "we did not have a good M and I wanted to live seperate lives"...I was just so tired of it all...and I said it...but of caurse I still want to work on it...Now I think I am really ready (I was not before, too much pain)...

Anyway, so now we are not talking about working anything out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...My friend says that I am now actually giving him the space he wanted....

I guess I feel like it is over since no M/R talk is happening...and I don't intent to bring it up again...no way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />!

It is up to him! If I am not worth for him to come to me if he wants to be with me in a M, then I am better of without him .......so now I just need to see how long before the point of no return and I move on with my life.....

Actually, my work week is going well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> thanks for asking.

I had a good day, finally I finished something that has been sitting on my desk for a while. I am really happy about it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Now, I got more stuff that set here so I will tackle that now....

I am sorry for the long posts...I never thought of myself as a chatter box...I guess I was wrong <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />....

Daisy

I haven't seen anything yet. My poor dog had a HUGE accident last night. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Usually we would keep the door to our room open and my dog would sleep in the hallway right outside the door. Now that we have the kitten we shut the door because that darn cat wont let us sleep. My dog will usually whine if she needs out. Last night she must have whined, but I didn't hear her because the door was shut. I'm sure she held it until it hurt, but I just let her down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I just feel awful. I cleaned it up before my fiancee woke up. He would have killed me and the dog if he saw it. He is REALLY anal about his house. This is the first NEW house he has owned and is pretty uptight about it and everything in it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I know you have probably mentioned it, but how long have you guys been separated? From what it sounds like, from other posts, he needed space. Which you have given him, but he is slowly seeing you for the wonderful person you are. Give it a little while longer before bringing up your M/R. I would give it a few more weeks, be true to yourself, let him see the person you are, will become and WANT to become. And then bring up the subject of going to MC or what his thoughts are about working things out. TAKE IT SLOW. Guys can be pretty SLOOOOOWWWWW at seeing things that are good for them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Most of all, keep in mind, you are WORTH the very best!!!!!!!
It's always great to see a huge task clearned off your desk. It makes the rest of the world seem in balance again.
Don't feel bad about writing long posts. I LOVE hearing from you. It makes me feel good that someone is actually willing to unload on me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Keep posting!!!!!!!

hrt1,
Cats can be quite "in your face" when you try to sleep...I myself am a light sleeper and I got to give them the boot every now and then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />....They are very happy to see me in the morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

We have been seperated since May 8th. Till about late Aug, I kept talking about the M/R, then around the 23 of Aug I got the email and I just had it!

So, since late Aug we have had no R/M talk...that is really not very long at all....but long if you are in the middle of it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The thing is that after I send him that email saying basically FINE!, we did not see each other for 2 weeks and then he invited me to a movie and when we met in a bookstore, I could really tell he was happy to see me. He was really happy to see me, just like in the very begining of our R. I did not expect it and I planned to act all no big deal, just a movie, etc, and I kept that up and I think he was a bit surprised how easy going I was... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, it showed me that he really wanted me in his life....I wonder if he thought that I would never talk to him again....it seemed that way to me....

I will give it time....in the mean time I am doing things for me, really enjoying some things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />....He did not call yesterday and neither did I...I will not call tonight either...I'll wait for him to call...if he does not so be it.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I had a really good day last night, after I got the project of my hands at work...I felt so good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />...I got IC this morning and I feel good about going there....since one of the issues we discussed last time was work....I really like the IC, a chance to have human contact and say whatever is on my mind...It is so freeing!!

Hope your work is going well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />...

Daisy

The kitten is so cute though. I kind of let him do what he wants. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
It's easy for people to talk when they are on the outside looking in, but it's completely different when you are smack in the middle of things.
It sounds like you are really being good to yourself. And THAT is the most important thing. It also sounds like your H needed some time to clear his head and is beginning to realize that he not only needs you in his life, but wants you as well. I would continue what you have been doing, letting him "have his space". By not calling, being available, running after him, you are showing him a side that he probably forgot or never knew existed.
What things have you been doing? I can't say there is anything that I have picked up to fill some of my time. Right now I am just taking it day by day.
I have IC tomorrow. I'm excited, but nervous as well.

Hey,
I have started making my own jewellry...the bead shops are a lot of fun to be in....they have many different kinds of beads and stones...I make some necklaces for my friends and a bracelet for my MIL...I am planning on making something for my mom for christmas....I made some nice stuff for myself, it is a nice treat....

My mom bought me a sawing machine in April and I made some curtains...now I got more curtains to do in my bedroom...I actually already made some but now I don't like the color ...anyway, now I can do what I want don't need to consult with H so it is more fun to pick some fabrics....it is all up to me....

I also go hiking more and get together with people...I never really did, was kind of a loner but now I am enjoying being around people....I don't over do it...I like to have some time for myself....

My IC session went well...I feel as though I am making progress...he agrees that small steps is a good way to go...he believes that by making small steps the changes I make in my life are likely to be longer lasting.....big changes are hard to stick to! I agree, I tried making big changes and fell on my face, so now slowly forward....

I told IC that there really was nothing my H could do to hurt me as much as he did when he left.....now I thought about it in my car and I realized that if H told me today that he met another women, that would hurt, a lot....probably not as much as when he left but close.....
Well, if he says that, I am going dark, NO Contact what so ever....but for some reason I figure he does not have anyone since he spend 4 evenings hanging out with me over the weekend....

Anyway,
Enjoy today....it is such a nice fall day...I am going to be baking this evening and then I am going to BBQ and make quatamaly(?) and watch ALIAS....a little nice cozy 'party' for myself....

Daisy

hrt1,

I have had some good days earlier this week but these last 2 days have been sad...


Yesterday was a bit hard. I did not call H and he did not call me on W and Th. Then Friday he called me at work (after calling at home)...we chatted....he was telling me about the last 2 night how he and his roommate went over to a pub and have been trying out different whiskey and scotch...

Today I talk to him and I asked him what he is doing this evening and he said he is going to get thoroughly drunk <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. A fried of his from work DJs a party out of town in a bar to which he invites like 180 people. He has 4 buses that pick up everyone...so the idea is get hammered and then the bus will take you home... (now I wonder if he will hook up with someone...is that not what it is for as well...dam this hurts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />)

the thing is that they way he said it about getting thoroghly drunk, he was throwing it in my face...trying to get a reaction out of me...WHY? So I don't drink, does that make me a bad person??...darn!

This makes me so sad...you cannot imagine...tears were running down my face after I spoke to him and I am still crying now...Why does it bother me? Should we not have fun in life? Am I like an old shrew?


Tomorrow we were going to see a movie as H said he is always up for a movie but he will see (he will probably have a hang over <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) ...
Yesterday he was telling me that he was not sure if he could go to the movies since he says he does not have enough cash (he bought some music equipment...) ....he said the thing about having no money like 3 times...I had nothing to add...it is not my concern(I certainly don't feel bad for him - he has enough for scotch after all and now this party)....

Now he tells me that his former professor wants him to paint his deck...so he says, "I will have some money that I can blow this weekend" ---- who is this person


I get so mad when I think about this stuff....He is living in a basement with 3 roommates...has one room....he has never rented an apartment by himself...he always has roommates....and he is not even striving to have anything more....So, he just is content to work from paycheck to paycheck and IF he finds he does not have enough for a movie - he'll go paint someone's deck!!!???

Lately I am only seeing a person that I did not fall in love with... I fell in love with a man that I believed had a rough life and overcame so much and was trying to achieve something in life, someone who wanted a family (he asked me to marry him and spoke of children)...someone who did not drink (not even coffee or soda) ... this person is gone!!
It makes me cry just to think about it...there is really so little left of the person I fell in love with...

I remember our conversations sometimes would come to carriers etc...and he would say to me at times...'why is just working to make ends meat not enough, you do it and then you have time to yourself to do what you want, no pressure at work...you are happy..." I really did not believe that is all he wanted (wants)! I am starting to realize it really is all he wants! His idea is to just have fun and be happy today, he does not think about the future...he said that to me 2 months back "I don't give a dam about future, I care about today...I am all about being happy today..."...


We will never be together again... we want different things from life.... I don't care about money as such, I was always fine with him working (not continuing school) but I guess I thought he could do better then a dishwasher, I thought he could work at some office or whatever .... I am not saying a dishwasher is a bad job...someone has to do it...so what I am getting at is wanting also more when you do get home.... thinking about the future...wanting to help your partner and not think 'anything I do for her will be a sacrifice to my happiness so I'll do nothing!'...etc...

I am mad at myself that I married this person...this just makes me cry.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Last night he also, starts telling me how he was with this Indian friend last night and the guy was telling him about arrange marriages (he will be getting married soon) and my H is telling me 'boy they are so old fashion and they have so many rules'...... I really did not even want to discuss this! I mean, who is he to sound critical of a marriage system when he left a M and never really did try to work on it!! I hate that he and his bubble can still get to me.....

The thing that also bothers me is that other people have said to me things that have the underlining message 'he is a looser, you are better off'.... but I keep defending him to them and I say 'he has the right to do what he wants and find his own happiness'...etc.... I still see something in him that was there when we met and I know he is a good person but I am starting to think they may be right... a looser might be too strong... but that his wants and dreams are just no where near mine.... I should just move on....

I guess what I am realizing is that if I met him today, and if I hurt him talking like this and his interests and what he is doing and ia into and how he spends his time, I would not be interested in him at all…I certainly would not fall in love with him…I probably would not even want him as a friend….That saddens me…. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

One of the things that attracted me to him was that we discussed books that we read and I thought he liked to read different things …. As time has gone on he has never read a book that I bought for him as long as I know him…he always made promises but he never read anything. And it is not like I bought him something he would not like, I bough him books that he said to me he would like to read, but he never read them. Before he left he spend 400 dollars on books (in one go) and I think he spend maybe a half hour glancing at them… (he told me he has read nothing in the 5 months)

Now I think it was more for collection than anything else…it looks good when you have Aristotle on your bookshelf <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />… He is like a kid, got to have it, but stops ‘playing’ with it soon after….that is how it was with the X-box which he now sold…..played with it for less then a month but really had to have it!… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I think I am loosing respect for him…and it bothers me…I was suppose to love him for the rest of my life… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Why does this hurt again...

Daisy

Hey!! Jumping in here------->> with both feet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Have you considered a vacuum sealer and or freezing food? I usually try to make more than we need for a meal and then freeze/seal it, so on the days I do not feel like cooking, I still have something healthy we can have.

And, there is a way of cooking for the whole month on one day that is called something like,"Cook for a day, eat for a month". Something like that. She has you make things that have a lot of the same ingredients and you just have to cook/chop/mince them once. I do this with hamburger sometimes. I will cook up a big batch and then make a ton of spaghetti sauce and refried beans-- VOILA-- I have a few nights of meals all made up at once. If you are going to have to cook something, it does not really make more work to make a bit more.

And the vacuum sealer saves tons of money. You can buy in bulk, or things that are on sale, and then divide things into smaller portions that are for one person. I seal almost everything--makes things last so much longer and eliminates freezer burn. I love that thing-- probably one of the BEST investments I ever made.

How are you doing today? It sounds like you have been on a real roller coaster.
It also sounds like your H is taking you for a RIDE.
Don't beat yourself up about the mistakes in your past. We ALL make choices we regret. We also all know people that we thought we knew, but one day we realize they aren't the person we thought they were AT ALL.
Please let me know how you are doing. I'm sorry this is so short, it's just been really busy here at work today. If I get a little bit more time later on, I'll try to respond back with a longer post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi ht1,
My weekend was good...I took a jewellry class on Saturday and learned to make a nice piece...I made another one when I got home and am very happy about it...My conversation with H on Saturday was hard...I don't like hearing that he is going out to drink (till 3am)...is that such a great way to spend time...I guess I just don't understand that need...

The thing is that we went to the movies on Sunday (with one of his roommates) and afterwards we went to get some food, and so I asked H what was Sat. night like? He took 45 minutes to tell me what a drag it was, he was board, the people were stupid, just dum kids, it was all about getting drunk and getting down (yap)...he said he ended up at the bar drinking by himself...he apperantly had 10 drinks (so he has no money hah?) Anyway. This is how he always is. He wants to go and hang and try to have a good time, but he always ends up feeling like he does not belong...yet he does not learn or he does not want to accept it...and just keeps looking for the same type of amuzement, even though he is never happy...or so it seems (he always criticises the whole scene)...

I dropped them off and then called him and asked him if he would like to come to a concert with me on M. He agreed. Then I woke up at 4am, there was someone behind my bedroom door and a knock. It was my H. I was so tired (I went to sleep at 12) that I was just kind of dazed...He said he was at the Denny's down the street from me and was really tired and thought he just come over and sleep here...I said ok...I did not know how to react and what to say...my brain was not working really....and yes it was nice to have him sleeping next to me....

Anyway, now I spoke to him...somewhere in the middle of the conversation he asked me to put his CD's in a cover, to take care of them...he lend them to me last week...he really cares about them...I had not realized they were lying around...anyway, it kind of made me think that he had no problem of stating his bounderies over silly CDs, yet I could not do that over the coming over at 4am, scaring me (of course if someone came to kill me they would not knock on my door), but still....

So, now I feel like I got myself in a pickle! What do I do? I am just asking myself. I really don't know...This just cannot go on like this....

I spoke to my friend and she said I should tell him he cannot just come over uninvited...

Don't know...got to think on all this...

Enjoy.

Daisy

Daisy,
The more you talk about making jewelry, the funner it sounds. Hm, maybe I could pick that up as a hobby. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I am actually into the scrap booking and making cards. I have stamps and accessories coming out my ears. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
It kind of sounds like your H is trying to figure out who he is and what he wants out of life. Has he ever gone to IC?
I would have been scared out of my mind if someone did that to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I agree with your friend, you need to set some lines with the 4 o'clock visits. He is definitely crossing a line into using and taking advantage of you in that area. If he wants to share your bed, he needs to come home or make a commitment. I know, that is so much easier said than done. I went through the same thing with my, then, boyfriend. It is not only disrespectful to you, but to what you are trying to accomplish with your relationship. I hope you don't take offense to what I said.
How has your week been? It has been really busy here at work. This is the first time I have had any time to think. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi hrt1,
I don't take offense. I just wish it was easy to do! Darn...

I had a nice conversation with my friend...it is good to have someone willing to talk to me about this and we talk every other day and it is quite helpful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />....I invited H to come to a Jazz performance with me on Monday and he agreed..I enjoyed it and we had a nice time together, got pie afterwards <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />...and just had a good time talking...we laughed...it was like good old days...
Then tuesday comes along and whala a 180 by H and I am back to dealing with a moody and totally unpleasant individual...I cannot take his moodiness anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.... You know when you are in a committed relationship it is give and take and so you are willing to make some sacrafices ... but as is, I am not in a R so why should I put up with crap when I get nothing solid in return? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

H came over to my work last night to pick up some CDs...he was unpleasant and basically not comunicative on any reasonable level (this is a person who tells me I am unsocial! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />) Had nothing to say, set in the chair and just looked at me...I tried to make some conversation, told him about a play I am arranging to go see with our friends...so I asked him what day would work for him and I showed him the program...he is like whatever day, it does not matter - no interest really...I ask about work he has nothing to say...then I wait for him to say something and he finally asks me how long I have been here and how long I am still planing to stay...turns out he wants a ride <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...I said 1/2 hour...he sits impatiantly for 1 minute while I try to make conversation...told him about a movie I bought that it finally came in the mail...he is like "i am tired, I can't watch it tonight, some other time' all grumpy...Hey! who invited him??!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
I said nothing to that...so he says he will split...I said ok...and he was out of there...Nice. really nice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I talked to my friend and she just said - you know, he does not even get it that you are in a way different spot that you were just 2 months ago..he still thinks you are just sitting there waiting by the phone...

She is right! He does not get it... She is worried that his remarks about not having money (he told me the details on Monday) mean that he wants money from me, and she worries that eventually he will not hide behind statements...but actually demand money from me! I cannot see him doing that again...but he did do that when he left <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />!

So, now I have been thinking about that moodiness of his... He is never going to change...he really believes when he feels like that he is intitled to feel that way and needs to make ZERO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> effort to get along and communicate with anyone... What world is he living in? I wish I knew if he is like that with his boss...I mean how long can you be so unpleasant before they fire you?

Ahhh, I am tired today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I want to feel good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />.. so I am going to go work on my jewellry... I have no plans to talk to him and frankly I don't even want to see him for some time... Before he showed up in my office I was going to ask him to a piano concert but now, forget it...I'll go alone...at least I will not have to deal with him...

I hope you are doing well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />...sorry about the long posts...

Daisy

Daisy,
Dont feel bad about your posts. I am just glad you have a place you can talk about what is going on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Men! Sometimes they have PMS worse than a woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Once again, I agree with your friend. He still doesn't get it that you are going to move on without him. As fun as he may seem and it also may seem like he is wanting to work it out sometimes, I would step WAY, WAY back for a little while. MAKE him understand that you aren't the same person you were 2 months ago. By going out with him and inviting him to things, he things you are waiting by the phone and that he can do whatever and whenever he wants. I guarantee not very many women would put up with the moodiness and disrespect. Let him find that out.
I know it is so much easier for me to say this because I am not in the same position you are in. I can give you advice and my opinion, but ultimately, it is you that has to live in your shoes. Do what you feel is the best for YOU. If this is what you feel like is best for you right now, go for it. If you feel like you need some space from him and the situation, TAKE that space. Take care of YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hrt,
You are right!
I just did not see it, since sometimes we just don't see somethings that is so obvious when we are right in the middle of it. Yes, by inviting him and going out with him he things I am 'waiting by the phone'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />..I'll do less of that... for me, because I cannot take that 180 change anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...I really don't see why I should put up with it when we are not even in a R...and frankly as much as he says it is his depression I just don't believe it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...I was there when he had his depression and he did not always give no effort to communicate..at the beginning of the R. He had difficult days but he TRIED! ...as time went on he just tried less and less with me and now has completely convinced himself that he does not need to TRY at all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />...ok, fine, enjoy then, but I don't need to be here and take it...

It is hard to do, but luckyly I got some project to do this weekend and it will take all my time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, so I am not going to be available for him, and I am going to thanksgiving dinner this sunday (canadian - it seems way to early to me) and then I have a day of on Monday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> so, I'll just find something to do and maybe see a movie, and then it will be Tuesday again and he will not want to see me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />...so I can get through this week...I am going to try, really try not to see him for some time....he needs to get it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Thanks hrt!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
{{{{{hrt}}}}}}}}

Daisy

hrt1,
I feel a bid down today...well actually it is since last night...

I spend the evening cleaning my house...it was nice to be done and have it all in order...

Somewhere around 10 the whole thing hit me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...I was at IC earlier and it was the first time in over a month that I cried there again... I was just saddened by my situation and it was brought on by the 'drama' over the weekend...

I was telling my IC the events, H coming over in the middle of the night on Sunday, us hanging out on Monday and having such a nice time, and then the 180 on Tuesday...

I cried as I told him that I keep thinking how it is not fair (I know, kind of silly, but I cannot help it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />).... I am here for H whenever he feels like, I am a reasonable person and when he chooses to talk to me I am pleasant..I don't shut him out...I was understanding when he came over on Sunday night and I was understanding when he came by work on Tuesday and I treated him with respect even though he was completely disrespectful and rude... I cannot expect the same from him...I cannot stop by at any time...not even during reasonable hours <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />! No, way... There is always a 50-50 chance I get the cold sholder! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I don't treat him like that...

Anyway, it just made me sad and tears ran down my face....it was painful to realize how much he still has the ability to hurt me... IC said that it was ok, and we came to the conclusion that although it still hurts and all, it is not destroying me as it was before... Yet, I really don't like the drama...in some sense by coming over he acted like we had an R yet he insists all he wants is friendship... and then when he does not feel like talking he is out of there....and now I feel like I am on a rollercoaster ride (a much smaller one - but still)....

I have not spoken to him since Tuesday...he did not call and I did not either...I don't have much to say...and I don't want to hear about what he is doing anyway...
Besides, he was working those days and he has gotten to when he works he is tired and talking to me is too much to handle.... I am here to fill in his days when he is not busy... Should I be counting my lucky starts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />....

I am waiting for this afternoon...I'll have some work then that will take all my time for the next 3 days....I don't want to think about H....

Enjoy......
Daisy

Daisy,
How are you doing? I'm sorry it's taken so long to answer back. It has been sooooo busy here at work.
I am leaving on a vacation in a few weeks and have to make a step by step of everything I do so the other girl can do my job. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
How are things going with you and your H? How was your weekend?
I didn't do much other than sleep. My body is finally FORCING me to catch up on all the sleep I've lost over the last few months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Keep me posted.

hrt1,
No worries... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I had a long weekend. My H called on Friday left me a nice message..(it was hard to listen to, the way he spoke..being all nice...He is like a double personality sometimes - either really nice or just plain moody)...

I called him back but we ended up playing phone tag till Sunday. I spoke to him then and we had a nice conversation although there were moments when I did detect that impatience of his...but I moved passed it. I guess not seeing him left me feeling prity down all weekend <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...Yesterday I ended up calling him and asking him over for a movie...he called back and said he was tired and could not make it...I had hoped to see him...I don't know how to get to the point of not missing him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I know it will take time, but dam I just want it to happen already....

I ended up going shoping yesterday and I bought some nice furniture for my bedroom <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />...I got something that was different than what H and I planned to get... Now I have to wait for them to get it into the store...

I seem to be in that slum for days now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...I try to feel better but I have lost that spark I had just couple of weeks ago....I think that whole insident with him coming over in the middle of the night followed by such a nice day and then the 180 by H has thrown me off more than I wanted to admit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...

I am thinking of going to see a movie tonight, just to fight this feeling of not wanting to do anything...

How was your weekend?
Enjoy... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

I had a really tough day yesterday....
I feel so stupid and pathetic these days...what am I holding on to...My H left me...why can't I get that through my head and move on....
Instead I called him several times last night...he was not there and I did not want to leave a message...then around 11pm it was busy...I just ended up going to sleep feeling really low and down on myself...
I still have the message he left me on Friday on my answering machine...it is really short but I played it this morning and it made me cry...I know I should not keep it but I cannot make myself let it go...
Now, H started working the same hours as me and we work in the same place, just several buildings from each other...so I drove and kept my eye out for him, I feel so dum...

I seem to have really taken a slide down from where I was just a couple of weeks ago...I don't know what happen...I really want to see him...it is not good, because I really feel as though I have no choice in the matter, it is just a need to be with him...dam!

On top of it all, two night in a row I have had a similar dream...both about H coming back home...makes me cry when I wake up in the morning...

It is so much work to feel better and move on, I feel exhausted...but I got to keep going...

Daisy

I am so sorry things are so bad for you right now.
If you look back though, it probably all goes back to the night he came over at 4. I don't know him too well, but he sounds an awful lot like my boyfriend. And if he is, I can tell you what he is doing.
He felt like you were slipping away, moving on without him, he realized that and pulled you back in. (the late night visit) He KNEW what he was doing and did it to get you back to where you were before he left. Men can be amazingly good mind and emotion readers. He knew he could pull you back in, and he did. Now that he knows he can still affect you, he feels like he is still safe and doesn't have to treat you with respect again until you start to move away again.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but if he is like the guys I know, it is all just a game.
If you want to check him, don't call or make time for him for about two weeks. If he calls, answer is, but keep it short like you have to go somewhere and can't talk. If he wants to go out, tell him you are busy and have other plans. See what happens. I can almost promise he will start calling alot, come up with small reasons to stop by or make up ideas to get together.
If he does this and then backs WAY off when the two weeks is up and you are available again, I would put down the law for what you feel is acceptable for your relationship with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
I know it isn't that easy, trust me, I KNOW! But over the last month, I have really begun to find myself and RESPECT me and my choices. And you know what, he is taking notice of that and shows me A LOT more respect and treats me 150% better.
Give it a try, it works, I promise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

hrt,
I guess I don't want to believe that it would be a game to him, but the fact is that he may not even realize that he is engaged in this game....

I feel a little better right now. I read some posts here and it does help to see people fighting the good fight and moving forward with their lives, working on themselves, etc...

I will not call him today...yesterday was really bad and even though deep down somewhere I knew I should not call and that I was opsessing again (I really knew that), I chose to not stop and just kept on calling justifying it to myself that I really just wanted to talk to him....I got to toughen up! I feel better now. I need to take out my flashcards again with the words 'do not call' out whenever I get so desparate! That is when I really should not call since it is no longer a choice I am making! Dam.

Thanks for being here and writing to me....it helps a lot....

I got to pull away...I was prity good last week about not calling him and waiting for him to call but I guess when I called on Monday to ask him if he wanted to come over for a movie that did not do me good...eventually I ended up feeling that I was giving again.... I called him because I wanted to see him, not because of a movie, I lied to myself...I am working on this...it is hard...

I guess it is back to working on me and doing what I think is best and moving on with my life...

As to what is acceptable, well my life would be easy if I knew the answer! I am still figuring this one out, wish I was not...I hope this will not make me a hopeless case....

Thanks a bunch..!
Daisy


Eddited to add:
You know what? I just realized it is middle of October! My H left in May. I did not think I could make it to October. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I feel good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Morning hrt1,
Hey how goes it over whereever you are? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am feeling prity good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />...well it is kind of too early still to tell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You know I had another dream tonight, I don't even get why, since I was not even thinking about it much last night....I guess the stress is getting to me...but the dream was different...apparantly H had left some girlfriend pregnant just couple of years back (ok, not true in real life - so I've been told <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) and now he was getting back togher with her <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> and taking care of the kids...he was taken care of a 4 year old boy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> in the dream and we saw each other in a store and I was so heartbroken to be there to see him with children...In reallity H changed his mind about having children (that hurt) and I remembered that even in the dream....

Anyway, I woke up feeling a lot of pain <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />...now I feel way better, but boy 3 heavy dreams in a row....why???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Must be the stress.....strange....

Anyway, hope you are well.....

read you soon.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Enjoy<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

hey hrt1,
I know you don't post over the weekends...just want to share some things <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />....Hope you are doing well.

I seem to be doing quite good these days...After the bad day on Tuesday I was feeling really good the rest of the week...On W I went to see a movie..on Th H called and wanted to go see that same movie...he left a message and I called him back on Friday morning...I was feeling prity good on Th and I really did not even want to talk to him then...

Friday I left him a message and he called back in the evening...I usually don't pick up...but I did that time...I had plans for Friday night so I was feeling good...we talked and it was nice...he asked what I am doing and I told him I am going to listen to a piano performance...he wanted to go out to a club and get some drinks...then later he asked who am I going with (I wish I had someone but I was going alone)...and I only had one ticket. He went on to ask me if he could come 'tug along' that he would try to buy a ticket at the door...I know I should have said NO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> but I was slightly surprised by that and I just said ok....We had a nice time...then we went to the club and had some drinks...I had a good time there as well...

You know when I first met H I was not really too social but over the years I have become more so and I am reaching a level that I like and am comfortable with. I was really upset when H actually told me I have no social skills one week before he left <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />, (he did apologized but it still hurt to have him say that….)

So, we were walking down the street downtown to get to the club , and it was around 11pm. There were a number of people (mostly young) down there....Now, we have a lot of stabbings downtown as people get into fights at the clubs and pubs, etc. So, there were all these people out, some already drunk, and my H says, in a very loud voice " more obnoxious people, this city is full of them" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. I thought it was just so dumb to say something like that. What if someone wanted to fight him. If he weight 250 lb, I could understand that, but he weighs about 170 and is six feet tall, and he is definitely not a fighter! I asked him not to talk like that with me that I don't want to get hurt over some remarks! I was also thinking, this is just so typical H! He wants to go out, but criticizes the whole scene even before he gets there! Sure, I am almost a decade older then most of the kids at the club so I act/dress different then they do, but so what, they are there to have a good time...yet H will criticize them all even before getting there...why is he going out if he is so critical??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.
And H calls me the anti-social one!? Go figure. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I really just let all that talk go in one ear and out the other.... And sure enough then he tells me he is going out Saturday night as well!

What is he doing? Complains all the time about the scene downtown, the drinking and how 'stupid' and 'obnoxious' the people are but then goes out all the time....Where is his learning curve??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I had a good weekend...I am going to get some coffee now, just to get out of the house....I went to the store earlier and bought some Halloween candy..I should not have since I already opened the bag and had some...I knew I should have bought it closer to the 31st! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Enjoy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
I hope you are still out there reading....otherwise I am writing to myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Daisy

It sounds like you had a great weekend. How are things going so far this week? Did your H have a good time on Saturday, or was it like usual, going but not having fun? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'll be honest, this has been a really hard weekend and week. My boyfriend had to go out of town on a business trip, it just seems like I am repeating the first few weeks after I found out. I don't know why, but I feel like crying all the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

hrt1,
I am sorry you are hurting now...the pain is like a pendulum..it comes and goes but over time it balances out and your life settles down again...I have same days..some are good and some a bad...do you think there are some trust issues you are dealing with now that BF is gone for a few days or are you just missing him?

I am having good days now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...

I spoke to H on Sunday...not the best conversation seeing as he was drinking earlier in the day (went bowling apparently) and said he had drank too much...I am not surprised by these statements any more...yes he went out on Saturday but he said he stayed only 45 minutes, he was disapointed in the music..I don't know if he went anywhere else after....in anycase...I am starting to feel that H and I may just want different life styles and perhaps we are not compatible... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I went rock climing yesterday for the first time (at a gym!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />...It was strange, and I did get all freeked out when I got half way up and it took 3 trys before I got to the top but it was fun! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

H called me yesterday morning (it did sound a bit like he was appoligitic about the other day - but who knows <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)...He asked if I wanted to go out to a movie and we talked about going tonight...I don't know if we will, I did not hear from him and I will not call him....

Hrt1, I am having a really difficult time cutting him out of my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />..I don't relly on him being there but I still want to see him....I look at these posts and the whole Plan B and I think maybe I should do a plan B, but I really fear that it would not work and then I would not see him anymore...Besides I am not in plan A anyway, we are not working on the M.....Sometimes I get a strong urge to discuss reconsiliation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> but I don't because I really believe it is up to him to come to me....but I don't believe he will... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I had IC this morning and it went well.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />.

I feel prity good today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hope you are feeling better...if not do share.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Best,
Daisy