Is your spouse the right one for you?

I really don't like this question and I'm trying to figure out why.

Is it because it implies that if we find the right one, we will just be happy ever after without having to work for it?

Do I not like this phrase because it suggests shopping around for love after you've selected a mate and said vows?

And obviously there are boundaries that you have to establish which might lead you to give up your first "right one" to find your second "right one"

And it seems like a lot of WS Become confused about what the "right one" is or what should the "right one" do for you.

I am bugged by this myth for the right one. It puts happiness in a relationship not on the participants shoulders but on cosmic crap.

We build our life - we don't accidentially find it.

Is anyone else bugged by the "right one" thought process? Or is this an important question to ask throughout a marriage?

To simply answer the question posed by the thread title...

yes.

My spouse is the right one for me. In my heart, I believe she is the right one for me placed on the Earth for me, if you believe that sort of thing. If you don't, then she is simply the right one for me because she is.

Our happiness is our responsibility. Our relationship is our responsibility. That said, she is the right one for me and I am free to believe that for as long as I wish and for whatever reason I wish.

It is nice to be asked a question and have zero doubt in the answer.

I am bugged by WS insistence that

"they just clicked"

"it was so natural"

"it was this or that"...

or the worst of the worst....'it just happened..." bleech puke ....

denying the AMOUNT of energy and thought they put in to interactions with eachother....

the amount of time spent planning..
the amount of time spent think of etc...

some act as if this wasn't the case...yet cell phone bills log hours and hours of contact...all of which is hours taken from the BS....
and they act surprised or confused that they feel so disconnected from their spouse...

when they can step back and objectively see themselves and the amount of self they invested in creating what they want to believe just is.....then you are getting somewhere in the road of recovery...

ARK

Loy, Squids's the best spouse I ever had ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dunno. I see marriages around me, some that started with awe-inspiring passion, some made romantically on wasteland, against all odds; some arranged and some for convenience or money. After a while they all need the same work to keep functional.

I wouldn't have the energy to break in a new one now. I think I'll stick with Squiddy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Loy,

Without a doubt. My FWH is my soulmate. I absolutely believe that if he wasn't, I'd have tossed him out the door on D-day without looking back.

It hurt so bad that even while I was thinking about ending it all, I knew I wouldn't because he is the only one for me.

Sure, I could and maybe would someday end up with someone else, but it could not be the same.

We think the same things, we finish each others sentences or say the exact same thing at the exact same time.

And in spite of this, we almost didn't make it. Even with all of this going for us, we neglected our marriage. We didn't recognize that the deep love and common bond would not be enough to keep us intact.

Now we know better. And for all of the pain and hurt that have consumed us (me since D-day, he since his A began) we have emerged stronger, better, happier, and more deeply in love.

Today is a very good day...and if we work hard, tomorrow will be even better.

Patriot,

have you ever doubted?

I'm only asking because this A sure has made me doubt if WH is the right one for me. Would the right one build a relationship with another?

Sometimes the idea of the right one also suggests the search for perfection. And I don't want to be thought of as perfect, that is too much pressure. I want to be loved for me, because I am me, not because of my ability to be perfect.

I sometimes doubt if God exists, but I think what is important is what I do with my doubt.

Sometimes I think people misinterpret doubt and use doubt as an excuse to not try or to give up or to look somewhere else. As if we found the right one we would be satisified with everything.

Man, talk about looking to a person to solve all of your problems.

My WH thought I was the one for a very long time. He thought I was perfect. And man, he didn't know what to do with his doubt. He was not prepared for doubt.

Are you prepared?

Maybe I missed some underlying meaning for this post. Maybe it was spawned from some other post here and this was an attempt not to hijack the thread?

I simply answered the question asked in the title.

If this thread was intended for some other reason, then sorry I intruded. Doesn't change my answer though.

added:

Doubt? I certainly have doubted a number of things. If even only for a fraction of a moment. I have doubted the existance of God, the purpose of my life, the reasoning behind handicap parking at Sonic... and I agree it is what you do with doubt that matters.

Just like it is the thing you do with sexual thoughts of other people. I am human and I can not 'stop' my thoughts. I can, and am completely responsible for and to, control my actions.

Am I prepared? I believe I am. Does that mean I have some greand plan for every instance in life? no. But I can work on the fly and that will have to be good enough sometimes.

Faith, belief, knowledge, information, truth. Those are good words to wield against doubt I think.

I feel the same as you Loy ...

EGG ZAK LEE

Bwhaaaaaaaaa

Mr Pep calls me "my first wife"

it confuses the uninitiated of his humoresque view of life

Loy- I must say I have been questioning this very thing today. I wonder if we are right for each other. Now that I know how easy it is for my WH to lie and decieve it has opened my eyes. Maybe he is not right for me. You see that man I had M never would have lied. Did he learn this from the Ow? Maybe ? Or maybe he always knew but just never had to lie to me before. If I had known he was a lier I would have run away when I first got to know him. If I had known he was a flirt and tease with OW -I would not have given him another look in the begining. Now after all these years of love, memories, our history I am at a loss to do anything. After my 2nd D-Day -Iam just in shock again. My mind is spinning. Is he right for me? I do not know I just look at him and see what looks like the man I M and have loved with all my heart but is it really him.

Oh Pep,

My WH is planning on calling me "his first wife" when we are more recovered. So I am looking forward to him use that joke. Well, I'm looking forward to a lot of things...

No Patriot,

You did not miss any underlying message. It's just a phrase that I do not like.

I think there is a healthy way to deal with doubt and fears, and sometimes people try to sidestep that doubt and fear is a natural part of life by looking for something perfect.

And I want to be the right one not because I have some "power" but because I have been chosen.

This is probably all skemantics.

I used to care a little more about my spelling, but now I only care enough to offer my apologies.

I haven't a doubt in my mind that my lovely wife could do better than me.
I'm a bit messier than she would like. I'm not able to "see" that cup that's been on the desk for two days. Our ideas of what a conversation is....vastly different. She likes mayo, sour cream and black olives; I hate them all. I'm very (too) competitive. I have OCD on anything athletic or something I want to purchase. She likes to plan, I don't. I throw balls in the house and taught our daughter how fun Pledge, a hardwood floor and socks are.

I know I piss her off at times, probably too much but I'm still learning. Even saying all that, I think she would say that I'm right for her. We're not the perfect match but it seems whatever Yin I have, she has a Yang to match and vice versa.


We both did shopping around thing. She found someone who she thought was a better match for her. He seemed like all the things I wasn't. I'm sure OM had a lot of good qualities and that is what my wife focused on but below those he had issues of his own. My shopping around involved someone almost 10 years younger than me (24) and in my own warped way, if I squinted just enough I couldn't see all the numerous issues that were involved in that relationship.


I don't know if our marriage was "written in the stars" but we are written in one another's hearts <------insert AWWWWW here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

It bugs me a little, because like you said, this search for the "right one" might give us enough justification to go looking and risk loosing the right one we already have.

Back to the question....Is your spouse the right one for you?

Undoubtedly yes!!!

God Bless,

Doug

You get a pat on the back from me for that one, Doug! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hate the idea of "the right one". I hate the whole "soulmate" crappola too. Believe me, I know I said the same stupid WS stuff when I had my A. I am very embarrased to remember that. The fact is once we committ ourselves before God and family unless abuse is involved (or your S won't stop cheating and breaking your vows)you be the best spouse you can be.

Yes, my spouse is "right for me." This is my THIRD "soulmate," baby... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

bwgahagaaaaggggggggggg

tried to laff but choked on spittle <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Before my W's A, I would of answered with out a doubt that she was the right one for me. The right one for me would be someone that would never cheat on me. As good as my M to my W becomes it will always be flawed...I will always have doubts that she was the right one.

If I meet another woman tommorow that I was attracted too, had simular interests and meet my EN's, then she would be the right one. She would be more right then my current W.

Bliss is only a fog bank away.

YES, LOY!

I see RECOVERY as WORKING on BELONGING TOGETHER..

There are no Magic Wands around our house....

I love this that ark said:

I love this one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />