I've Plan A-ed. I've Plan B-ed. Now, I'm at the point where I really just don't care. My WH has become an unrecognizable person.

For the past month, WH has been on an extended business trip to Singapore. It was on this same type of trip, almost exactly a year ago that he hooked up with OW, a co-worker on the trip. Although I don't think she's on this one. I haven't seen my husband since last year.

The kids and my inlaws told me when he left on this last trip. Although I've been doing Plan B, there have been a few issues, like the bonus money he removed from our joint account, that I've had to address. Our communication has been sporatic and unsatisfying. He's called his boys to brag about things but that's about it.

According to my sources, WH was suppose to be home yesterday. Last night, I received an email from his parents but no mention of it. I don't expect them to tell me everything but you would think they'd mention it. WH hasn't called his boys. He hasn't called his daughter and tomorrow is her birthday. Maybe WH took a side trip on the way back. Maybe he just wants to be incommunicado. I'm not even mentioning the fact he might be back to my kids or his parents.

The guy is a terrible husband and father but a textbook WS. What a jerk.

GG, I think you have been carrying both ends of the marriage for years and just didn't realize how much until you finally set down your end of the load.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't think he's been married for years.

He could still wake up, though it can sure take a long time with this type. It just depends on how long you can hold out.
Mulan

GG, you haven't seen him all this year???

I thought you told us about a time you went on a date.

Was that last year?

Ahhhh, a fine point of definition. I have SEEN my WAYWARD HUSBAND this year. I just haven't seen my HUSBAND. And the last time I saw my WH was sometime in July.

One of the things that keep me strong is my agreement with Mulan. I don't believe that he's felt like a husband or a father for some time. I'm downplaying things for DD's birthday tomorrow. What kind of dad doesn't make a big deal about his daughter's birthday?

I'm really feeling he needs to take ownership of the pain that he has caused.

Alrighty...it's nearly 9 pm in my timezone. Today, is DD's 12th birthday. She's been so excited about it. It's a really big deal to her. She's been walking on a cloud all day. Her brother is coming home from college for the weekend a little later tonight. I took DD and her friend to a movie earlier. (Pep, you were right. Curse of the Were rabbit is really good.) Grandma and Grandpa called to wish her a happy birthday. Now, we're sitting down for some pizza and a bit of movie watching until DS gets here. Then it will be present and ice cream cake time.

What's wrong with this picture? Complete and total silence from her father. Supposedly, he's back in the state. There hasn't been a call, email, letter or package from the man. I'm not saying a word to her about it. She hasn't seemed to notice or won't admit to it.

There must be a special place in Purgatory for people who treat their children like this.

I took DD and her friend to a movie earlier. (Pep, you were right. Curse of the Were rabbit is really good.)

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

full of laffs and smiles ... just good entertainment

Grapegirl - my WH didn't show up on my eldest daughter's b'day back in April. He usually turned up on Sunday to see the kids and on this one, particular, special one, he didn't show. I called him at gone midday and asked where he was and he said he wasn't coming.

In his case, I believe he is so overwhelmed by guilt that he can't deal with any family/special occasions anymore. His bad. He broke the rules and doesn't know how to fix them. I didn't make a big fuss but I took the kids into town and made sure we had fun. When we got back, my neighbour took us all out in the evening to celebrate and it turned into a great birthday celebration.

I think other people are more shocked by his behaviour now than us, his family. We have come to expect nothing from him apart from a pay check. Isn't that a diabolical thing to admit.

Grape,

I'm sorry you're dealing with the stress of this. Mum and I went through a lot of these stressy will-he won't-he call or show for the birthdays, the holidays, the school breaks, graduations and such.

It sucks. In this case, not to downplay the suffering kids of divorce go through, you're suffering more than DD. You're a good mom. It was a good birthday. There will be more good birthdays to come. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Chin up dear,
Sal

Tucktummy


You may know this male, but you don't know who he has become. My wife's ex in SIX years has never sent a card or present or called on the kid's birthday. He has only seen them when the grandfather has made him see them. If they call him on the phone, he is cordial and cuts the conversation short.

In the past, he has told them that their mother is a ****** and a bad person and that their dog is from the devil. He blames everyone but himself for the demise of his marriage, when the reality is that he is; one a person who is seldom right but always certain and two, he tried to "marry 'em young and train them the right way."

For years, I mean years, he tried to put my wife in jail over a contempt of court issue that ended up at the state supreme court level when he lost for the last time. It took all the child support he paid (to keep his carry license) just to pay the Lawyers.

He was good to wife for about a year. Then the real person came out as it always does. Under opinionated and over educated would be another way of describing this disfunctional jerk. Wife outgrew him and he made no effort to keep up.

God and Mom made him and nobody can change him. Life goes on without him and he owns the consequences of his children not staying attached. Of course someday, he will blame everyone but himself when he talks to them, just as he has done in the past.

Some guys reach a point where they just cannot handle the daily life of a family. So they go bye bye or living with them is so much pain that the family goes bye bye.

My only feeling for someone like that is "Adios."

Your mileage may vary.

I'm sadder about WH than DD. At this point, I think she just assumes that her father won't do anything. It's hard to learn the lessons of betrayal, deceit and abandonment at age 12. I can see that this is where the really long term effects of this behavior come in. This when she probably really needs counseling. I don't want her to think that this is what men do. Thank God, she has wonderful brothers and a steady grandpa.

I just try to be a good, loving, reliable mom.

Okay. DD's soccer game was early this morning. Since then, there's been somebody in the house all day. DD has been in her room. I've been in my room switching out my summer clothes for warm ones. (It's definitely time for that around here.) I've been putzing around here and there around the house. DS is home from school and has been playing his guitar in the front room.

About 10 minutes ago, DS went out the front door to his car. On the front step was a big gift bag. The mysterious, shadowy WH had snuck up and deposited DD's birthday gift on the front step.

Too weird. He couldn't even ring the bell or talk to her...

Wow, that is a ... something...I don't even know what that is.

How does this happen to people? How can they turn into such crappy parents too?

I am sorry, I hope DD is doing OK. Happy belated birthday to her.

GG - there have been times when your WH's behaviour really reminds me of my WH, especially regarding his children. When so many WS's make a fuss about custody and visitation, ours appear to want to pretend they never had a family.

I'm curious. After all his tacky behaviour, do you believe you could ever be reconciled?

Hope the gift was nice. I'm sure your DD was pleased he remembered. TT

My opinions about WH go in 2 directions. Sometimes, I wonder if he is just too embarassed, ashamed or depressed about what he's done to come face-2-face with it. Other times, I think that maybe this is just the best he can do.

Not long after my last post, we had a phone call. I had left DD in her room with her presents. She was wavering between sending them back unopened or ripping into them. I figured it would be her choice. She opened them and called her dad. He answered but asked to called her back in a moment. (Who knows what that was about.) She thanked him for the gifts. One of them was a Singapore Airlines hostess dress. She said she would refuse to even try it on until "you and Mom are back together."

So, my time was spent doing damage control. There were major tears...something DD hasn't done for months. Poor DD was completely aware that her father had not done anything for her birthday. She was very, very hurt. She begged me to speak to WH. I attempted to explain the situation. Trying, in an age appropriate kind of way, to explain my boundaries for recovery. Trying to help her understand her dad's conflict avoidance. She rephoned her dad and we have set up a "date" for tomorrow evening.

I have my doubts. WH couldn't get together tonight because he was too jetlagged from flying in on Thursday. The airline and I both know that he flew home Wednesday. What hope can I have when the whole thing starts out with a lie? This could be interesting.