I have a bit more time now so I will talk back at cha... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
You said:
Yes you may have taken your H for granted,been terrible and ignored him.BUT,that doesn't give him carte blanche to go out and seek *inappropriate ways of resolution to marital and /or personal problems.
As I said in my previous post, I TOTALLY AGREE WITH YOU ON THIS STATEMENT and SO WOULD MY FWH..today, that is, not while he was a foggy WS...
IMO,we are so hung up on sex in this country(and not in healthy ways) that it's no surprise that many women and men are getting involved in A's as a way to avoid/escape their problems.It feels good at the time but has long lasting and sometimes devastating effects.
Scratching my head on this one, my H's affair was not about "sex"..he was starved for ADMIRATION AND AFFECTION..I don't think "sex" with the FOW was "all that..." He kept wanting to cake-eat with me for SF...MY EXPERINCE, though...may or may not be the same for others here...I think you and I may have already had the SF discussion..I did what I had to do is the way I look at it now...
What your H should have done if he was feeling poorly,taken advantage of or was not happy in the marriage was to:
A) Talk to you about it
B) seek counseling
C) sought a legal separation or D if there was no resolution after X amount of time.
I agree with you about this, too.
TALK: He says he talked and I didn't listen. I don't recall this. When I mentioned this to Steve Harley, Steve asked me if my H had to talk about HIS NEEDS when we first began dating. He asked me if I SENSED what he needed. STEVE SAID THAT ROMANTIC LOVE IS LIKE THAT..I really learned from that and do that to this date..I use my intuition a lot to pick up on what he needs..When I do this, it makes him almost purr...I remember his smile when I have his dinner ready when he comes home. That gives me the signal that I need to do that again...He also does the same for me. I usually get coffee from B&N but was busy and didn't get the chance to go today. He asked me before lunch: "Are you going to get your coffee?" I said I didn't have time. I DID NOT SAY: "Since you are out that way, can you pick it up for me?" He came by awhile ago, though, and brought me some coffee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
COUNSELING: We both have done this, individually and together...none has been as helpful as the coaching sessions with STEVE HARLEY..that's why I'm such a fan of his..
LEGAL SEPARATION: My H has lots of excuses for why he didn't do this..I'm not too sure that he ever wanted this..I'm now thinking that he WANTED ME BACK..the ME THAT I WAS BEFORE I BEGAN BEING THE "UNLOVING" WIFE... Remember we've been together 30 years..most of our time together has been GOOD AND HAPPY....
The AFFAIR was a BIG MISTAKE..He got caught up in something that he couldn't get out of..HE GOT HOOKED....Don't ever take that first WHATEVER(SNIFF?) of COCAINE....
Did you see the movie UNFAITHFUL? When the woman looks back in regret over having gone to the OM's apartment..THAT MOMENT IN THE FILM CAPTURES WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY HERE....
Adultery should NEVER be an option.Your FWH was way wrong to do what he did no matter what *you did or didn't do prior.
I totally agree with this!!
But what has always troubled me about your posts is that you appear to take blame for what he did.You just can't say that someone(WS) is 100% responsible for making the choice to cheat and then turn around and say well,I was 50% responsible for the "state" of my marriage that may heave encouraged/lead/drove my S to an A.That IS taking blame for your H's A.Why else bring up the state issue unless it is to suggest that it had some part in the WS's choice to cheat?
I don't take blame for what HE did. I think you misinterpret that. I take blame for not living up to my RESPONSIBILITIES AS THE WIFE IN THIS MARRIAGE. I ONLY TAKE BLAME FOR THAT. PERIOD.
What you suggest is that if you didn't ignore his needs,take him for granted and were not disrespecting him,he MAY not have cheated.You just don't know that.
You are right. I can't know for sure BUT I really don't think that MY HUSBAND would have. He had lived such a MORAL LIFE..was such a GOOD MAN..really, really GOOD AND DECENT..that's what attracted me to him..HE IS THAT MAN AGAIN..the MAN that was involved in that AFFAIR was not MY H...That's just the way it is, O GIRL..It is what it is...
I'm not saying that it was JUST ME to blame but I was part of it. It was many different factors..the fact that the OW worked where she worked..the fact that my H was depressed because of things going on in his own life..his age..the season..MANY DIFFERENT FACTORS..I only can accept MY PART and I am only able to work on and to change MY PART...Again, I ONLY ACCEPT THE BLAME FOR MY OWN CONTRIBUTION..and HE HAS TO ACCEPT THE BLAME FOR HIS...and he does...
And now..as ARK says..we are both giving 100% to OUR MARRIAGE....
As many of us here understand,the A is a problem with the WS.Period.It's their way of handling their issues: boredom,insecurities,misguided ideals about marriage,loneliness,depression,inactivity,low self esteem,whatever that is
I think you and I may view marriage differently. I see it as TWO WHOLES coming together to make a TEAM.... So if my H is involved in an affair..has depression...boredom...whatever..I have a problem, too. WE FACE LIFE'S STRUGGLES TOGETHER..Why were we so out of touch that I couldn't sense this? That's why today..we try to maintain TRANSPARENCY..OPENNESS AND HONESTY...
You and I agree more than you think...