Has anyone been in the position where you thought you were well on your way into recovery and then suddenly you slip back?

I am in that hole now, we have been in MC since end of January, I have felt that I was almost recovered, FWW has come a long way since then, (IC before MC). Our last two sessions, our counselor brought up the topic of forgiveness. My W forgave me for not meeting her needs and other things that I have or have not done.

I have not forgiven her yet for her A's, I feel I am not ready since last D-day was Jan. 23. But lately I feel I'm going backwards, my anger is coming back, I find it harder to meet her needs again and becoming more depressed.

Has anyone else been there, what did you do about it?

Hello,

I do not know your story but I see she is 21. Did you say she has had affair(s)? Has she had sexual affairs with different men? If this is the case I hope that you demanded that the both of you be tested for STD's. If it is more than one affair then I could see how difficult it would be to forgive. What is that old saying: fool me once - shame on you; fool me twice - shame on me! Is she a serial cheater? You are young and you do not have children. You may wish to contemplate that past behavior is generally (not always) the best predictor of future behavior. I wish you luck.

This is called the PROCESS OF RECOVERY. This is how a person recovers from a traumatic shock. You will go through periods of anger, grief, sadness, disgust, revulsion, etc. That is HOW a person recovers. It will take anywhere frm 18 to 24 months to fully recover.

It sounds like you HAVE forgiven her if you have taken her back. But what you are trying to do is FORGET. And you will NEVER forget. Nor should you.

So hang in there, my friend, you are just STARTING THE HARD PART of this long road of recovery.

beatndown, there is another facet to all this that you might consider. With multiple affairs, it is often IMPOSSIBLE to overcome the resentment.

And with a serial cheater [you mentioned affairS] you have to accept this will probably be a WAY OF LIFE with her. Are you willing to accept a partner that does not practice monogamy?

Are you willing to live like that because there is a HIGH PROBABILITY that this will be your future if you stay with her.

I would take a long, honest look at those facts before you have children with her. Is she the woman you want to be the mother of your children? Are you willing to deal with adultery when you have little children and a mortgage?

Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment from before you decide your plan of action:


Quote:
"In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html

Thanks for hte replies,

I think I'll do a repost and put my whole story in one.

We had been separated for 1 month a year and half into our marriage, during that time, she had been with six men and 3 months after we got back together she had 1 more. Damn that sucks.

We have 1 daughter she turned 1 during our separation and turns out she had f'd a guy the night before.

She has made drastic changes since she started counseling and now tells me that she's working her but off to make me happy and doesn't get what i'm going thru and that it's hard for me to open up to her now and do for her what she's doing for me. I almost feel pressured from our counselor and her to move past this and move on with the rest of my life. She believes I'm using her A's as an excuse to feel the way I do and not show her affection. I have always been in need for lots of sex, lately I have no sexual drive even.

Our counselor says every marriage is worth saving and he has been great help.

I'm at work now, I will post my story later when I have time.

Thank you,

Have you considered finding a counselor who understands infidelity and has some experience? One recovers, NOT by "moving on" and stuffing their feelings, but rather, going through the grieving process. THAT is how one moves on. You will NOT "move on" by pretending you aren't feeling what you are feeling or stuffing feelings.

Adultery is often as painful as the death of a child. Would he tell a grieving parent whose 6 year had just been killed to "get over it" 3 months after the death? I would hope not.


Really? Not even GOD believes that as he leaves an out for adultery. Does he even believe that a marriage where the H beats up the wife and children is "worth saving?"

I think trying to save every marriage at any and all costs is not a very healthy approach and certainly not one that Dr. Harley would use.

I dunno, I think most (there's always an exception) marriages are worth saving.

Adultry, addiction, violence... these are all things that wreck marriages.

When I think of 'saving a marriage' I assume that all these things get dealt with. Otherwise, how are you saving the marriage?

I don't think every marriage that has been so damaged by violence, adultery, molestation is "worth" saving. I think most are, but certainly not ALL. I think sometimes its best to divorce when the damage is just too great to overcome.