Marriage Builders®
Posted By: Muffina Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:38 PM
I am a newlywed and I went to Las Vegas last month with a group of crazy girls. After some serious debautchery I ended up making out with a guy. When I got home I denied any wrongdoing.

I emailed the guy to thank him for buying me drinks etc and my H found this email. Since I lied and I lied and I lied to him he thinks I slept with the guy - which I did NOT, but I definetly violated my H's trust, mostly by lying to him because what I did in Vegas was pretty tame - the lapdances that everyone got but me went further.

Anyway, my H is very tramatized and thinks about me being with another man all the time. He is convinced I had sex. He wants to move on, we have a really good relationship, but he is haunted by these images. He believes if we have a three-way, he can think about the three-way whenever the bad thoughts enter his mind.

I really do not want to have a three-way. I am not comfortable with it. However, it is still a month later and he is still asking for it every 4 or 5 days. I don't like to see him tramatized and I want to put his mind at ease.

He is not interested in cheating on me or getting revenge, though I think it is part punshiment for me and part reward for him.

Should I suck it up and go through with it?

Has anyone else ever had a three-way?
Posted By: 2long Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:43 PM
2 answer your 2uestion in a word: NO.

What you need is counseling. 2 find out why you did what you did (the kiss, the lies about it).

What is your concept of marriage? What's your H's?

You owe "the guy" nothing but your silence. Your commitment and honesty should be with your H.

-ol' 2long
Posted By: hulkster44 Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:45 PM
No No and No

Neither of you will gain anything from that.

Let me guess he wants the third party to be female also. Typical male jerk.

Tell him if you mean it that you are committed to your marriage and he is the only perosn that you want to be with period.
Posted By: worthatry Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:46 PM
Are you serious?

How old are you and how long have you been married?

Quote
He believes if we have a three-way, he can think about the three-way whenever the bad thoughts enter his mind.

Wanna buy some swamp land?
Posted By: worthatry Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:47 PM
Quote
Typical male jerk.

As opposed to a typical female slut?

WAT
Posted By: Ron53 Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:51 PM
"Should I suck it up and go through with it?" - NO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

"Has anyone else ever had a three-way? - NO BUT, doesn't seem to be an effective way to address your husband's issues(s) with your behaviour in Vegas.

IMHO, it's time that the two of you sit down and have an honest discussion re. boundaries, behaviour, and mutual expectations.
Posted By: Muffina Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:52 PM
I know why I did it, I am selfish and immature and I was indulging myself. I lied because I didn't want to deal with upsetting my H. I am a coward.

My H definetly takes care of my EN and we spend all of our time together. There is not a problem with the relationship, it is me.

I take everything for granted. I will never take my H for granted anymore though, this was definetly a wake-up call that I needed.
Posted By: Muffina Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 04:54 PM
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Are you serious?

How old are you and how long have you been married?

Quote
He believes if we have a three-way, he can think about the three-way whenever the bad thoughts enter his mind.

Wanna buy some swamp land?

I thought this was a support forum, no need to be mean. Obviously this is a confusing time for us as I imagine most people who post here get confused. Which is why they come here for some guidance and support.
Posted By: worthatry Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 05:00 PM
I wasn't being mean intentionally. If it seemed mean to you, my apologies.

What I was actually doing was posing an obviously ridiculous question having as much credibility as your husband's request.

I suggest you print out this post and give it to your husband. This would show your sinceriety and our unanimous disagreement with his "solution."

As for support, you both will get it here. I'm thinking he needs it more than you.

WAT
Posted By: ark^^ Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 05:25 PM
if I was invited to your wedding...could you send back the amazing wedding gift I gave you.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

lagolfa...

I'm giving this one shot...and you can hash it out here on MARRIAGEBUILDERS...or you can go on your merry way to a three four five six way....whichever you want...but I garuntee you this...adding more people when you are already over one...will never ever ever fix the issues ...AND in the end it will destroy forever how your husband views YOU..
no matter how much he protests it is just for fun..

the using of other people...
the turning outwards to fix whats been broken between two people will not does not and never will work....

already you two exist in world where the lines of comittment are fuzzy and without real definition...

further perpetuating this rather than shoring up your own boundaries will not work...

kiss the thoughts of happily ever after and baby rooms in pink or blue gone...

this is the time for you to come to your husband in full repentance and win his RESPECT and trust back..

this is where you admit fully to being and doing wrong

this is where you see even the reflection of what infidelity can do to people the pain the suffering and chaos...and this is where you have your wake up call that it was wrong...and going down the same path is equally wrong...

if you want to show your husband that you cherish and love him..

drop the friends who take so lightly your vows...

send the guy a sorry but this is where our even knowing the other exists ends and never contact him again..

change your email address so that the other guy has no access to you.....

figure out why you would do such a thing to your husband...

and tell your husband without a doubt you are not interested in there ever being a third party again near you or him...

you start there....
this is marriagebuilders....

is that why you are here...
to fix what got broken..
or to break it more..

ARK
Posted By: Muffina Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 06:01 PM
ark^^ - thank you for your reply. We actually didn't have a wedding, my H is Mexican so we got married at the courthouse to get the immigration process started ASAP. He almost has his greencard, then we can travel to Mexico to have a real wedding.

I have done most of what you suggested I do..

I have definetly admitted I was wrong and acted wrong. I didn't really think this kind of infidelity was that bad until now, I truly understand now.

I have reflected on the pain and suffering infidelity can cause. I don't ever want to experience anything like this ever again.

I show my husband I love and cherish him constantly. I always was very devoted to him, this is really a freak thing that occured. Doesn't much matter that I was a good wife in the past though...I take every chance I get to love and cherish him now. I do it for him and also for myself because I understand how tenuous marriage and life can be so I want to make each moment good, sort of like living each day like it is your last, but trying not to emphasize the doom aspect of that phrase.

I have dropped friends that take my vows lightly. That was pretty easy to do actually, the girls I went on the trip with are not my close friends, it was a batchelorette party so they were the bride's friends.

I only emailed the other guy once. That was easy to end because it never really started. I went ahead and changed my email anyway just to be sure and to be transparent and go above and beyond cautious for my H.

I guess I feel like since I am the bad guy in this I have to do what my H tells me to do to make the situation better. WHen I tell him I don't want a three-way he says that I am not doing anything to make the situation better and that I don't care about our relationship.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 06:04 PM
If you privately smoked some pot with your friends, and now your husband wanted to even the playing field ... might he suggest you do heroin together as a married couple?

same thing
Posted By: Muffina Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 06:14 PM
Pepperband, I am with ya on this arrangement is inappropriate and not parallel. I guess I feel so guilty and weak that I cannot stand up against him on this or any other issue.

I know now that I won't do it.

I guess I entertained the idea because I hoped if I did it and got it over with he would be nice to me again and things could go back the way they were sooner. Like a quick-fix.

My H loves me and I don't think he is going to leave me, even if I refuse the three-way, though he will surely threaten to leave when I refuse to do it.

I will just have to keep dealing with the mess I created and pray he doesn't get too mad at me for not doing the three-way.

Thanks for helping me work through some of this everyone.
Posted By: 2long Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 06:28 PM
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My H loves me and I don't think he is going to leave me, even if I refuse the three-way, though he will surely threaten to leave when I refuse to do it.

I will just have to keep dealing with the mess I created and pray he doesn't get too mad at me for not doing the three-way.

Send him here!

Your choices in Vegas were harmful 2 your marriage, yes. But if your H is likely 2 behave the way you suggest above, he's got deeper problems than the 2 of you can overcome by you simply avoiding the Vegas partiers from now on.

-ol' 2long
Posted By: Just Learning Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 06:57 PM
Interesting,

You crossed some boundaries that you should NOT have. And now you were even considering crossing some boundaries that YOU KNOW will hurt your marriage.

Let's say that your fling in Vegas and been with another woman. Would he have excepted that? Would you feel you had violated your marriage vows? I think think the first answer would be NO, and the second would be yes.

So now he wants you to cross those same boundaries to prove something to him. What it will prove is that you don't have boundaries, and that you will violate the marriage vows IF you think there is a "good" reason. The reality is there never was a "good" reason, and what your H is suggesting is NOT a "good" reason either.

If you are sincere about your vows to him, then you cannot do this FOR him. It really is that simple.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: Cymanca Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 06:58 PM
LaGolfa,

Sorry, but I find your story non-credible. A person that " Makes out" with someone ina drug influenced environment does NOT send that man an email the next day to thank him for "buying drinks".

This episode is much more involved and does not fall into the "what you do here stays here" cr*ppy Las Vegas slogan

Your discussion of a three way is designed to deflect the enormity of what you have done to your M. Be honest, acknowledge that fact to YOURSELF and then perhaps some progress can be made in healing this tawdry episode.

If you truly want HONEST help, you could not have come to a better site.
Posted By: Pepperband Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 06:59 PM
Cy

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Muffina Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 07:29 PM
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LaGolfa,

Sorry, but I find your story non-credible. A person that " Makes out" with someone ina drug influenced environment does NOT send that man an email the next day to thank him for "buying drinks".

This episode is much more involved and does not fall into the "what you do here stays here" cr*ppy Las Vegas slogan

Your discussion of a three way is designed to deflect the enormity of what you have done to your M. Be honest, acknowledge that fact to YOURSELF and then perhaps some progress can be made in healing this tawdry episode.

If you truly want HONEST help, you could not have come to a better site.

I don't buy into that "what happene here stays here crap either. I know what I did was wrong and am not trying to make light of it at all.

I am being honest when I say I only made out with the guy, and I did only email to thank him, not just for the drinks, we had a good time hanging out and talking too. I didn't understand the enormity of what I had done then...so it seemed ok to email him.

I am being honest here. I was not trying to carry on an affair. I don't need to lie here, I need honest help so I am being honest. My H doesn't know I am here, this is not self-serving.


I am not trying to deflect what I have done. I acknowledge it and am doing everything I can to improve my marriage. That is why I am considering my H's proposal to have a 3-way in the first place. Obviously I understand the enormity of what I did for me to even consider having a three way.
Posted By: moveforward Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 07:43 PM
He wants to make new good memories with you and someone else to get the thoughts of you with someone else out of his mind?

This is ineresting.

I see it this way- he thinks that having a 3-way will hurt you as it will be hard for you to watch him with another woman. This way, he gets to make you pay for what you did while he emjoys the benefits Doing it this way he will not be sneaking around and therefore you can not say he is having an affair.

One of the things we focused on after my FWS's A was making new memories of us. Those did not include other people. Just us. Believe me, we have made lots of wonderful new memories and those thoughts of them together are less and less.

I hope the best for you.
Posted By: Muffina Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 07:50 PM
Thanks moveforward. I think that is a good way for me to put it to him.

He keeps claiming that he doesn't want to do it to hurt me, so I will emphazize that it will hurt me and will create a bad memory and we need to focus on good memories of the two of us.

It is good to hear that it does get better.
Posted By: wannabophim Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 08:19 PM
Did you make out with this guy after you were married/engaged?

If so, why would you go to Vegas with a bunch of women after you are married? Why would you let a guy buy you a drink if you are married?
Would you want your husband to go to Vegas with a bunch of guys?
I don't think you should do a 3-way, but you do need to get your husband to be comfortable and trust you again. You lied to him...you need to talk to him about how to regain your trust.
Posted By: 2long Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 08:51 PM
Now I'm losing my grip on the usefulness of this...

*You keep saying you're considering this cluster f*** 2 make amends for "just making out" in Vegas, while appearing 2 "know" what we mean when we tell you that's terribly destructive.

*You seem 2 be defending your decision 2 email "the guy" 2 thank him for buying drinks, because you had such a good time hanging out with him (that it wasn't just the making out or the drinks that you're grateful 2 him for).

Look, by the time you sent the email, you must have sobered up, right? Couldn't you see by then that sending the email was a somewhat unintelligent thing 2 do?

I must go.
-ol' 2long
Posted By: weaver Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/03/06 09:07 PM
Lagolfa,

I don't know how far you went in Vegas with this other guy, don't know why you did it but I would imagine you are young, had some drinks, got caught up in the element, wanted some attention...and so on and so forth.

Your husband will find it in himself to forgive you or not, and of course you will need to re-earn his trust by doing what you are doing for a very long time.

But what I mostly want to say to you is please don't allow yourself to become a victim of abuse for a mistake you made and probably will never make again.

Please don't do this, not to save your marriage, not to shut your husband up, not to appease him, not to punish yourself...not for any reason do this to yourself.

It'll ruin your marriage no doubt to have a three way and will help nothing...

But for sure it will ruin you.

You make a mistake (as we all do and have), and then you make amends the best way you can, learn from it and move on in brighter directions...

You DO NOT debase yourself because of it.

A three way will be a mistake which will hurt you in ways you can't even think about yet...please don't do it.

Send you husband here as others have asked...I can't believe he would want to punish you in this way.

He is hurt and angry and can't possibly know what he is suggesting.

Take care of yourself.
Posted By: piojitos Re: Should I give my H a 3-way? - 04/04/06 12:57 AM
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I ... am doing everything I can to improve my marriage. That is why I am considering my H's proposal to have a 3-way ...


Now that is an oxy-moron.
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