Lately, I have been feeling pretty bad about our recovery and I have been trying to assess why things are going so badly right now. I have come to the conclusion that part of what is wrong is that I don’t trust my own judgment anymore.

I have always been pretty level headed and tough and have never been one to look at things thru rose colored glasses so I think that this whole BS victim thing really knocked me for a loop.

You see, I never thought my FWH was in any way perfect. I saw his shortcomings pretty clearly and loved him with what I thought were open eyes. I also saw a kind, affectionate, loyal man who maintained a very large circle of friends from growing up as an Army brat. I was never sure that he would be successful or affluent, but that never mattered much to me. He also clearly admired me for all of my accomplishments and I never doubted that he loved me.

Given the type of man I thought he was, the idea that he would ever betray me in any way was inconceivable to me. So even when his behavior changed, it just never occurred to me that he was or even could have an affair. Well, I could not have been any more wrong about him. He did have an affair, at least one, and possibly more than one. I have seen evidence that at the very least he was collecting names and phone numbers during business trips, visiting on line dating services and corresponding with OW and even visiting porn sites. Now I look at him and think, what a creep. I would never enter into a relationship with a man like that knowlingly.

He took away my ability to trust and it has just occurred to me that this goes far beyond my ability to trust him, far worse, I don’t trust my own judgment anymore. I don’t know that what I see is really what I see, or simply what I want to see.

My big dilemma is that I am married to a man that I would have dismissed as below my standards if I had known what he was really like. Instead of love, I feel disgust. I simply do not know if I have it in me to ever feel love for him again, so I think that maybe we would both be better off parting ways.

Who

Who,
I am right there with you. my WH is/has done the same things and more. we are now divorcing. he feels that he always missed out on something before we were married and that "now is his time". he's in the middle of a huge Mid Life Crisis (he's 49). I am in a virtual Plan B until I send him my letter. the more I find out about the things he's doing/done, the more I know how unhealthy he is. I am learning to trust my own judgement because I see that he promises to do the things I need to heal, but never acts on them.

hugs,
cgw

WhoMe, I could have written your post above. I feel EXACTLY the same way. I didn't marry until I was 31 and thought I had picked a husband that was incapable of betraying me. Trustworthiness was my number one criterion for husband material. I thought he was IT! But he has betrayed me 3 times! He is just not the man I thought I was marrying.

He tells me that I made him into this person he now is (the cheating, lying BH). I know I have faults, haven't met his needs, I've been selfish.... anyway I am going off on a tangent for which I need to start another topice/post.

But, does your BS blame you for turning him into this person?Mine does and now I wonder if I really did marry a wonderful person and my failings turned him into this person with whom I wouldn't have gone on a second date had I known what he was capable of?

I'm sorry for not being able to offer more advice or whatever, because I am in the same bewildered boat.

dorri,



He claims that I played a role in what he became and that he "lost" himself. I will admit that I knew he was unhappy and did little to work on our marriage, but the knowledge that he could be so depraved makes me feel icky. I know that he is trying, but I can't seem to get it out of my mind that he is only pretending to be the decent, honest, moral man I thought he was and that somewhere deep in side, he is some kind of hedonistic freak, just waiting for me to let down my guard.

I am unhappy now, actually just plain miserable, but I still couldn't do any of the things he sunk to.

WHo

Dorri - My WW (FWW?) blames me for making her vulnerable to do what she did - doesn't blame me for what she did, but similar to you, making her into that person.

One thing that attracted me to W as that I never in a million years thought she would do this. While it was just an EA, it has changed the whole way I think about her.

I am not sure I will ever feel the same about her - and like you, I question whether I should be with her at all.

My WS came into our bedroom at 1 a.m. telling me how terrible I have been our whole marriage and continues to blame me for his behavior.

I am not perfect but he seems to not accept or forgive me for anything. He uses my faults as his justification for affairs. He tells me I lied to HIM at the altar by not being the wife I was supposed to be, and I betrayed HIM by not meeting his needs like I promised to do at the altar. I know I have been selfish, manipulative, not met his needs in the past, ( not all the time, I am just being honest about myself and know that I have done this at times), but I have honestly tried to be the best wife I could. I never lied to him and never betrayed him. I just wasn't a perfect peson.

Even taking away his affairs, he still has less than perfect track record for a husband/person... but that's ok we all do. all the stuff he lists as my shortcomings, well he has done those too, ( on top of the affairs!) But as for those things we're all human and life is not perfect. But even with all of his other shortcomings (beside the affair, and even after the first I forgave and worked hard on our marriage), I never ever could betray him and have an affair.

I am right there with you all...so what do we do about these feelings????

Well when I "put my foot down" so to speak, and tell him to move out, I've done this after each first initial discovery, he cries, begs, becomes the sweetest man (the man I dated 13 years ago) and states he only wants me and our marriage. The minute he gets comfortable and back home (usually about 8 hours after coming back home), he goes back into selfish/ blaming me mode.

WEll I am getting to the point where if I am so bad, then why does he want to come home?

I still really trust my judgment. My judgment back then from all the evidence I had was that he was someone I should marry and trust. Wwell, my judgment now is telling me he is untrustworthy. This is my personal case. I am making plans to act on it and probably separate from him.

I think we all have to face the truth. I know I want to go into denial. We all want to give our WS's all we can. And that's ok. But I think there comes a time, and I beleive we each will know when our own time comes, when we have had enough. And when we have to be brave and make the hard choice, we will be given the strength to do it.

I am having to detach from my feelings of love for him. it's not easy. we've known each other over 30 years. I must stay healthy for myself. I can only control me.

Jennifer Harley once told me that WH had "changed his belief system to fit his actions" (there's a name for this...I just can't remember it right now.) he IS NOT the man I married. he is someone quite different right now. and you're right--knowing what I know about him, I choose not to stay. I have tried to change him, control him, appease him, & make excuses for him.

I'm just sad that it has to turn out this way...

cgw

I think you are right - I am not nearly where you are yet, and I am sorry that you are where you are. I could see it happen to me, however, so I think I can relate to where you are and I am sure it sucks.

For me, my kids give me huge incentive to try as hard as I can. I really don't want to have to live apart from them.

W also just had one brief EA. Anything more than that and I probably couldn't deal with her. Many of you have had to deal with much more than that. I don't know how you do it - I guess you just do.

I don't really have any advice for anyone - sorry.

Yes CGW that is how you would describe what I am going through and starting to feel now: detachment from him and realizing he is not the man I married and loved. I've been erroneously thinking that is the same person that I am still married to, but it is not. That person(the good guy) is gone. When I realize that fact, things make more sense and I feel like I am dealing with reality, not constantly forcing a square peg.

I hear you both - I sort of think you have to detach to a certain extent to protect yourself. I do think detachment can be counter-productive if that's not what you really want.

I don'r really want to totally detach - because of my kids - but I have to a certain extent and need to stay that way too.

No good choice and like you said cgw, it's very sad that it turns out this way.

Everybody has their breaking point where they can't take the abusive treatment is being inflicted upon them by their WS. When someone takes everything from you, your happiness, self worth, self esteem, joy for living, so much that it is hard for you to give yourself and others that you love what they need emotionally, IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON.

I never thought in a MILLION years that my WH would cheat on me, before we got married, he said how disgusting adultery was and that I would NEVER have to worry about him cheating on me. Well, he eventually did and BLAMED me for for it! I tried to work things out but my WH is never going to change. I had to accept that. I always knew that I would get to the point where I would become strong and move on and I told him a couple of days ago that we are done.

Sorry to hear that sade. If you don't mind my asking, what feeling or action led you to tell H that? Did something happen or had you just had enough?

Also, there is a post from bobpure on Recovery that you all should read. It's pretty long, but it's interesting and good. May not be applicable to everyone, but I think it sort of is to me.

Believer once asked me "what are you doing to make a nice life for yourself?" and I had to realize that I had become so enmeshed with my WH's actions over the years that I had pushed my needs & feelings aside for his. I could not answer that question...then. now, I have a growing list of things going on. WW or WH actions do not dictate how we will live our life. we choose that. while i have put my best efforts into marital recovery, I am now working on personal recovery. that is not a bad thing for anyone, whether they are in Plan A, Plan B or Plan D. the healthier you are, the more attractive you are to your spouse...or someone else! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
cgw

193296,

basically my glass was full...overflowing actually! I was fed up with everything, my H is verbally abusive, constantly puts me down in front of others, never tried to make our marriage work from day one. Even when he blamed me for his A but asked me to forgive him, I did and tried to mend our M but he never tried to make it work at all. He wants to pretend like the A never happened and screams at me to "GET OVER IT" if I have days when I am depressed because of it. You get to a point to where you have to decide if you are going to continue to live with and be unhappy with this person who WILL NOT CHANGE, or are you going to start LOVING YOURSELF a little more than you do now and try to improve your OWN life, because they are not going do that for you.

sade - Sorry again to hear about your situation. I am not at that point myself, so it is sort of hard to imagine, but I can see where you can only take so much.

I wish you luck.

Hate to sound like a broken record -- oh my gosh, dated myself there !! do cds even break ??

Anyway, sadly ~~ add me to the list.

Worse of all, my WH (F??) will not even admit to his LTA. So there is no starting point for recovery. I have been over this and over this with him and everyone else who will/won't listen. He is such a huge CA, that unless he gets real careless, which I doubt, I will never find out the truth..

Of course, I know the truth but would really love to hear his explanation ~ anything !!

I, too thought I had found someone who would NEVER cheat on me. He had alot of short comings but I felt comfortable in the relationship that I was his one and only, forever. How wrong I was...

I will be watching this thread for advice.

thanks for listening to another one.....


Sending my very best regards, carnation

196296, I wish you luck too! I've been following your posts on another thread, I know you will make a decision that is best for YOU.

carnation2 - what's a "CA"

also, I assume you are doing a lot of snooping etc. so you can at least catch him?

Hi 19, Conflict Avoider ~ he is it big time... he would rather pay an incorrect bill then dispute it !! Fortunately, he is not in charge of much finances here...

I have been posting about this since Jan 05. (could not post under old name for unknown reasons) and have done everything possible to *catch* him... I only found this board years after the A had started... and too late to catch alot of easy stuff to catch....

He and her are extremely sneaky about this....

I am stuck in limbo big time !! thanks for responding.

carnation

carnation - so I assume you have taped your phone, checked cell phone records etc. - easy stuff? put a recorder in the car?

I am no expert, but what about gps in the car? not cheap, but cheaper than the next idea below...

what about a private detective? I know they are expensive - at least you are in charge of the finances -

you've probably already thought of all this - just in case.

Thanks for the suggestions 19 and replying. Get this --

He is an OTR truck driver... for a big company

he is gone for weeks on end.. when he first started doing this is when I really began to realize what was going on..

so, none of the spying techniques will work.. my only clue would be cell phone and I am pretty sure he uses one of his fuel cards as a calling card (from pay phones)

in fact, just the other day when he was calling me from who knows where, on his cell, it came up on my house caller id as 000 unaviable -- which cingular has no explanation....

So, combined with his sneakiness and I mean sneaky... and tons of opportunity to go anywhere and I do not know....

I can almost always tell just from his moods what he is up to... makes me sick...

oh and him coming home telling me he has a *broken heart* !!! pretty big clue.... guess it is not all fun and games in WS land... actually I would much rather be a BS then live like him....

thanks again... sorry for the TJ, just more BS talking here....

car