It's amazing to me how people either don't read posts fully or just choose to take statements out of context to label posters.
About myself..
In 1998 I was diagnosed with a disease that is robbing me of sight and will eventually rob me of mobility. Since then I've lost the use of one eye and my doctors are doing their best to keep what little vision I have left in the other. This happened while my husband was in the midst of his affair. The disgnosis scared him so much that he temporarily ended the affair...I had no idea...I thought his behavior was a result of the death of his mother.
I learned of the affair when the psycho ow (yes knows of my medical condition) wrote me a letter. I don't remember how or even how long after I found out that I found MB. I implemented Plan A and the merry go round began. He would come and go..she stalked all of us for years which went from parking outside our home, endless phone calls and even coming onto our property at night.
The biggest mistake I made was staying in Plan A too long and beleive it contributed to the end of my ability to care about this man.
He would abuse me much the way Frank posts. Condescending and cruel. After awhile, he began to speak to our daughter in the same way. Plan A'ing too long conditioned him to believe that any way that he choose to treat me was acceptable..I taught him that. Af the point he began to abuse her, I told him he had two choices-he could leave or I would report him for the things he had done to her.
He left and the next week filed for divorce. A few days after I was served (the day before our daughter left for college) he called all upset that I didn't panic about the divorce. It was fine with me because I had enough. Never again would I allow anyone to speak to me or my daughter as if we were worthless.
He lives at our lake property and I live in our primary residence. What precious little quality life I have left will not be wasted on someone who down through the years has proven he is not worthy of trust. The divorce sets out there and has for almost 2 years. I will not give my consent for it's withdrawal. At this point I am uninsurable and to lose his health coverage would be devastating.
He cries to friends and my family about what a good person I am and calls frequently to beg for yet again another chance. I've given 100,000 there's no 100,001.
I understand how precious life is and even one moment should not be wasted. It breaks my heart to see eav waste away waiting on her husband to return...and what's worse is those (Mimi is the worst) who encourage her obsession with him at the cost of living her own life. Mimi has posted that she thinks this is entertaining but it's not..it's heart breaking...absolutely heartbreaking.
For those of you who think I'm such a bad person then go ahead. There is no excuse for Frank's attitude and posts to people who have wisdom to share. To accuse them of being "evil" and lying about their profession does nothing but reveal Frank to be truly ignorant.
Plan A'ing too long is dangerous. Demanding respect is not. MB principles are effective in many cases but in some they are ineffective and the misuse of these principles is foolish. God gave us a brain to use.
To berate and belittle Peachy and Lemon is beyond cruel. They both have suffered tremendously and have shown class and dignity in light of cruelty dished out from spouses. They have great wisdom to share but those who need it the most are the first to lash out.
There's a great feature at MB..it's the ignore feature.
To Mimi, Frank, eav, smolina, Mrs W or anyone else who finds my posts unacceptable, use it.
Hi JPH:
Just read your story and all I can say is WOW. You have been through a lot.
People need to hear both sides and you are right on. So some people thought one of your comments were over the top.
I like what you say above about abuse. That is my main point also in that abuse like that is not funny or acceptable in my opinion. I have read 2 of the Harley's books and they really are great books. Some men and women though are abusive and if you accept it and there are no consequences that is how you will be treaeted in your marrige.
And you are right there is always the ignore function. Good luck to you. I appreciate your comments and look forward to your posts! Keep it up.
{{{JPH}}} I don't blame you one bit for not giving it another chance. Thanks for reminding people it is not healthy to plan A too long.
I definitely do not "hate" you. So it's unfortunate that you included me in your post.
I don't even know you.
Plus, I also don't think that I said that I find your posts to be "unacceptable".
I think it's the other way around.
You said that you find me to be "cruel"so I would guess you find my posts to be unacceptable.
That is hurtful, IMO, to say that about someone like me when I am ATTEMPTING to be helpful to someone. I am not trying to cause pain and I would define that as being cruel.
That's my 5 cents about it.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
there brings to my mind last weeks' southpark episode where the entire town digs holes and buries their heads in the sand...
hmmmm...
sounds familiar...
but then again...
if there are any haters out there with regards to me...
I SAY BRING IT ON! and bite me.
I don't understand what you are saying about the Southpark episode..
However, Peachy, why do you use the word HATE so loosely?
What I am saying is, what is there to HATE about a MB Forum member?
OPs..now that's another story....
jph
Honestly not up to speed on what prompted this thread,
but will say you gave out an excellent bit of advice in your very self revealing post.
It was this:
*Warning others NOT to plan A for TOO Long*!
You are quite right on this!
Sadly,
I've read of poor misguided [yet well intended] souls STILL plan Aing years Later.
Talk about Yikes!
Truly,
It is NOT meant to be a Long term, unending process.
Unfortunately If it is done in this manner,
it Only ends up Feeding into cake eating and entitlement issues.
Mimi
Here's a word picture for you..
You came upon a terrible automobile accident and those involved were critically hurt. You went to their aid just before a doctor arrived. You hovered around the hurt offering them encouragement so much that the doctor was not able to treat them effectively. Now you were ATTEMPTING to help but what you did in the process is cause them further harm.
Not every case is the same as yours and telling people that you husband did "so and so" therefore they must do "such and such" is not wise. Every situation is different. Consider what is best for each individual.
Hope is an excellent thing but not if it impedes someone from living life to it's fullest. We can't wait on someone to fulfill our lives..we must create a full life. Think about it.
mimi....i don't hate anybody...i said IF ...the word IF..there are any haters out there...
I didn't say I hate or we hate or anybody hates...I said if there is a hater...well they know what they can do.
And it was NOT directed at you...was at anybody who thinks I am not mb saavy b/c I am divorced...
so what's up with that mimi? I think there is NOTHING TO HATE about any mb'er...so don't say something I did not say. I love ya and don't know where ya got that from? I just think there are some who are not "that into" me and really I could care less if they aren't.
I think that this debate about too long A/B stuff can go on forever...
what I don't like is seeing people not try something new if their present approach is clearly not working. that is my whole beef with the when to switch to a/b stuff.
I was also one who plan A'd too long. What did it do? well imho, really nothing for my marriage...but legally it allowed my xh an extra time loophole to bolster his case for an irreconcilable difference...and to HIDE MONIES and disperse them about while I was plan A'ing my rear off. It cost me tens of thousands of $$$$ and in the end, I won each time we got in front of judge, but I could not afford the final showdown...the part where I couldn't afford the trial..even the upfront costs.
His whole thing was to "buy time" to cheat me and our ds out of money. And to switch allegiances with his family/friends. Had I gone to b earlier? I'd have gotten sole custody. i would have had his parents moreso on my side, and I would have moved on faster.
Sadly, there are SOME WS WHO WILL NOT RESPOND TO MB PRINCIPLES NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. Mine mildly responded only to plan B. Only B. And EACH WS IS A DIFFERENT CASE. Like some patients I see. They do well on a certain medication, and another with the same condition may react more favorably on another medication.
You JUST GOTTA BE WISE AND LOOK AT YOUR SITCH...LOOK AT YOUR TIMELINE. Are things still unhappy at six months post d day and post implementation of plan A? Is the affair in full force? Are you losing love for your WS? Or are there TRULY SIGNS AND SIGNALS THAT A IS WORKING?
That's what I ask.
And here is the main problem I see...IT IS SUCH A PAINFUL THING TO ENDURE...ADULTERY. It is horrible. And WHEN YOU ARE IN THE SITUATION IT IS DIFFICULT TO EVEN MAKE THE MOST MUNDANE DECISIONS. everything hurts. And there seems to be no clear cut way. You can't think your way out of a paper bag. And then we try to help you. And it's understandable that some stay in A too long. Why? it is NOT AS SCARY TO ME AS PLAN B IS...with b, you have more of finality. More line in sand. But in the end...A CONTINUED AFFAIR IS FAR SCARIER TO ME AND THE RAMIFICATIONS OF AN UNCHECKED AND UNREPENTANT WS WREAKING HAVOC ON A FAMILY AND A BS IS FAR MORE HORRID THAN PLAN B.
I just want those to seriously analyze their situation. And not be scared to try something different if truly, TRULY THEIR SITCH IS NO BETTER THAN IT WAS SIX MONTHS POST D DAY AND IMPLEMENTATION OF A GREAT PLAN a.
I am getting my bf into MB. I already know his EN's. He knows mine. And it's cool. Gotta build a good foundation.
I hate nobody. I dislike aliens. I dislike those who are cruel or label somebody either a success or a failure b/c of their outcome. How dare somebody say that at all. We are here NOT BECAUSE WE WANT TO BE FOR THE MOST PART. Nobody asked for this to happen to their family. We can be supporting and loving...and encourage others to TRULY THINK...but enable? sorry, I will not do that. I respect and care for those hurting here far too much to ever do that.
Peachy:
We're cool..I gotcha...
I wasn't bothered by your post...
Wish you could SEE my COOLNESS...
I'll just put in my favorite graemlin...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
JPH:
Not every case is the same as yours and telling people that you husband did "so and so" therefore they must do "such and such" is not wise. Every situation is different. Consider what is best for each individual.
I deliberately make an effort NOT to tell someone here what they MUST do...
I SHARE my own experience because that's the best advise that I can give here since I am a fellow MBer and not a professional at this...
I only encourage HOPE when I feel it's appropriate and of course in some instances I can be wrong...
That's because I am an amateur at this...
Just putting in my 5 cents..trying to help....
You also said:
Every situation is different.
Realize that I may be coming from a DIFFERENT place than you because of who I am and my life experiences.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
i feel ya breeze girl....brrrrr!
lol!
Peachy...good post...well said
Mimi..you still don't get it...go back and read your posts..not the ones that copy what the person that posted prior to you said but posts original to you..
I'll repeat what Lemon had said to you...this is not about you. Every situation is different refers to people having different needs and problems. It's not about you being different. We're all different..that goes without being said. MB is not about getting attention or feeling a sense of value..it's about helping people who are in the most horrible of situations.
Womanoffaith did an excellent job of trying to help eav and just maybe eav would have listened if everyone would have gotten out of her way. Remember the word picture?
Think about it...
Womanoffaith did an excellent job of trying to help eav and just maybe eav would have listened if everyone would have gotten out of her way. Remember the word picture?
WOW Jph...I don't much about anything on this post...
but how should one know how to get out of someones way...
how do we devalue one's advice....and give value to someone else ?
ehmmmmm
ARK
ark..simple..don't threadjack..if someone is helping another, don't junk up the post and divert attention away from what is being said...if one has 30 baseballs thrown at them at the same time, it's difficult to concentrate on catching..but one ball at a time can be caught...
UVA's post to GoodFather is a prime example. Excellent advice..
womanoffaith was right eav.
Hardly ever? You missed 3 days this month...the 13th, 20th and 21st.
this ALL needs to stop...
reminds me of a fricken kindergarden...
no one is going to get the help they need with all this in-fighting...
from Franks' thread to this...
not much difference..
STOP.
NOW.
EVERYONE.
ENOUGH US ENOUGH!!!!!
WE ARE HERE FOR HELP WITH OUR MARRIAGES AND TO HELP OTHERS GET THROUGH THEIR PAIN.
THESE KINDS OF THREADS ARE HURTFUL..
PLEASE STOP!!
PLEASE DELETE YOUR THREAD, THEY ARE RUINING MB'S ABILITY TO HELP PEOPLE WHO REALLY NEED IT. I AM EMBARRASED AND APOLOGIZE FOR ALL OF YOU
THANK YOU
Eav, I understand....
but we all have to stop "biting'....
it has to stop.
now.
I no longer care who, what, where, why or how....
this needs to stop....
can you imagine newbies seeing all this crap?!?!?!
I'd run screaming....
it's worse than a kindergarden, actually...because there, you'd all get a time out!!!
this helps NO ONE...
not Eav, not JPH, not Dazed, not ANYONE.....
I do read your posts eav. They're one liners. You should have friends to share much of what you post..about your car battery or yard work..friends in the flesh that you can establish relationships.
To check posts takes seconds. Just click on the person's name and you'll then be able to see all posts.
"Spend alot of time worrying about other people's problems?"
What do you think this site is all about? For the Harley's it a site to sell books and counseling..for those of us who have survived the nightmare of adultery, it's to help each other.
Do you ever have parents who won't listen to the advice you give them about their children? They just can't accept that things are not what they wish them to be.
The wise thing to do eav would be to develop a rich life full of activities and friendships. Don't consider your value or quality of life on whatever your husband is doing. It's not healthy.
As I said in my original post...use the ignore feature...
Are we all adults here, or what? For crying out loud!
Sheesh, I'm a highly-sensitive conflict-avoiding care-taking nurturer and even I have my limits to what is called "support" around here on this "support site" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />.
THIS ISN'T SUPPORT.
Remember, we AREN'T professionals.... it's all just OPINION... and OPINION ISN'T RIGHT OR WRONG... IT JUST
IS.
jph
it is not up to YOU to decide what advice is best for anyone but YOURSELF
I am a newbie, but I have given my advice to some on here. I give my opinion depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to be objective on what you write on here. Every person who writes on this post has their own opinion and that's all it is, an OPINION..No one is right..
What you are doing is tarnishing this site. You guy's are all passionate and believe that you were truly trying to help. But it has gone to far. We have heard you, now end it please. I am begging you..
I REPEAT....STOP THIS MADNESS, IT IS NOT DOING ANYBODY ANY GOOD..
D E L E T E....T H I S....T H R E A D... for all who care about the others on this forum.
jph:
You should know I will always be in your corner...never a hater. your one of my favs here.
Lem
jph,
Forgive me for not saying this sooner...
Thank you for sharing your story, and the pain you've endured (and continue to endure) is terrible. I can only imagine the frustration at knowing you will continue to deteriorate physically... and the fear of what is still unknown and yet to come.
And sight... precious. I'm legally blind in one eye and that's scary enough... my opthamologist always tells me to protect my good eye with my life... my friends used to laugh at me because the doctors said my bad eye might freeze in a corner (since I obviously don't "use" it)... and while I know it isn't the same as your situation, I do have a bit of understanding...
You're right... life is far too precious to waste time... your words have not gone unnoticed...
Lemon and new..
Thank you for your words of encouragement...
I so appreciate your support.
I recommend the book, THE ANATOMY OF HOPE by Jeremy Groopman, M.D.
And lets end it HERE...on a kind note.
And get back to Marriage Building. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />