Well she is been very distant lately, now I know why.
I just got served with D papers today.
And I thought that my pain couldn’t be any worse, well guess what,
It’s 10 times worse.
She doesn’t care anymore, her heart has hardened.
She have more feelings for our pets then she have for me.
I’m in a very bad spot right now.
I don’t know how I’m going to make it.
Could you please share what you have been through , and all the feelings you had for OM. And where you are now?
She is reading here.
I have been reading your story for some time now and it is a lot like mine.
I can't make my cheating wife leave and I don't dare leave or it will hurt my chances for custody of my kids. Even Dr. Harley says don't leave although I've been in Plan A for over 6 months.
The only thing is, she hasn't served me with papers. But she threatened to several months ago after I called the other guy and tried to break up the affair.
Dr. Harley told me, divorce or not, stick with it for two years if you really want to stay with this woman. He seems convinced the affair will die out, but he tells me that this doesn't mean she will definitely want to have a relationship with me again.
She has changed so much and is so mean it makes me wonder who this person is!
I guess I'm not alone, looks like they all drink from the same
fountain and spit the same words.
what I don't understand is why they are so mean?
yest I talked to Dr Harley, and he said until the A dies
they will hate you, and blame you for everything.
good luck guy.
"yest I talked to Dr Harley, and he said until the A dies
they will hate you, and blame you for everything."
Yeah, I think I can pretty much verify that. Seems like I can't do anything right. The marriage apparently sucked, although I never heard a word about that until after the affair. Before the affair I was the best thing that ever happened to her, or so she used to tell me.
By the way, thanks for wishing me luck. Same to you. Seems like my luck will have to change at some point, because I can't imagine things getting much worse. There are times I would just as soon get a divorce as put up with this, but it would be terrible for the kids. I can't even bring myself to think about telling them about a split without choking up. They will never understand.
Heck, I don't understand it myself!
I completely feel your pain. I was served at work by my WH. It was humiliating, completely shocking and painful. Like Mickey51, before the A, WH said I was the woman of his dreams. Once WH was in A, he started making up things about our M that I never knew existed. The A turned my WH into a monsterous alien, one who hates me and wants this M over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Well to be honest with you, the M was not good before the A, and I’ve been plan Aing my ars off for almost 2 1/2 years, she used to tell me that she did love me, but can’t be intimate with me, I tried to get us into counseling she said they don’t do anything, they just take your money, so you see I’ve been in plan A before the A started.
I’m not denying the state of the M before, what I don’t understand is why throw
Everything away without trying?
Knowing that in the middle of august to make a story short, she kind of snapped out
Of it, and she told me that she was at ease when I’m around, and that she feels that I’m
Her friend again, and we where planning on getting OM fired from the school so she could go back and volunteer their.
She even started going to counseling with me.
So her feelings are on a huge rolercoaster, from one day to another.
I don’t know. I guess it’s her choice.
and by the way before the M got rocky I was the best thing that ever happened to her, I was the light of her days,
she was the luckiest woman alive to have found me.
yes I still have her cards.
I have those cards and letters too. Now she says they were just wishes of the way she wanted things to be.
My big question -- if things were so bad how come you never talked about how bad our marriage was before the affair?
Like I posted somewhere else, if I hadn't found this site I would really wonder if I was losing my sanity.
I am not sure how I can help, frankly I never filed so I am not sure about that situation. In my case everything hapenned so fast, between the time I told BH about the A and between the time when I wasn't sure if I wanted to work on my M and ending things with OM. It was during that time that I became pregnant (with OM's baby as it turned out to be). Part of the reason I wanted to work on my M was because of OC (didn't know she was OM's child at that time). So BH (during my pregnancy) did the BEST Plan A possible so by the time I found out OC was OM's, I also knew what a wonderful man my BH is. That certainly made it easier for me to make my decision, but don't get me wrong my fog was THICK!
Frankly Tony, and this is what I keep trying to tell Jay (Heartsore) it wasn't until I saw all I could lose (BH, my children, my life!) that I realized what a huge mistake I was about to make. It wasn't until it was all on the table and OM began to show his true colors that I could begin to see the possibilities within my own M and I was able to realize OM was just a fantasy in my head.
I am not sure the situation with OM in your case or where you WW is in regards to him, if she is in complete infatuation "fog", she may not want to see there is still hope to recover your M. I too felt that way, but at the same time, BH (although not a perfect "H" for a while...) and I had too much history for me to just give up. BUT OM certainly was putting enough pressure for me to WANT to give up!! I am convinced his BRAIN WASHING worked wonders for a while.... again, this is when I have to say God had his hands in it all along because had I NOT gotten pregnant perhaps today I would be living my MISERABLE life with OM! It was my pregnancy that brought BH and I closer together. During my pregnancy (and although still with FULL CONTACT with OM) I did have moments of clear/fog free thinking.... but the moments didn't last long as OM knew just how to manipulate me and how to talk his way into my heart each time.
It is very sad how much control OM/OW can have over the mind/heart of a WW/WH. I think this is where NC becames critical. Now that I've had NC with OM for months, I can actually feel a huge sense of relief and I can honestly say I no longer have any feelings (other than pitty) for him. I wasn't "in love" with OM... he is not someone I would go out if I was single, he is not the kind of man I would want raising my children! But during the foggiest times, I probably could not have said those things to you even though down deep in my heart I knew it. I WANTED the fantasy... don't get me wrong... I did want that, but Thank God for God's intervention because there is no way a life with OM would have been like my "fantasy"!! it would have been more of a NIGHTMARE!!
I think many WW/WH get to a point where they BELIEVE in the fantasy so much, they forget that the reality of every day life will stop that fantasy the minute they begin a life with OM/OW. However, you as a BH cannot do much about that, many WW/WH need to come to that realization on their own. I guess that's where Plan B comes into play.... and it DOES work!! a WW will not be awaken from such fog until REALITY hits them in the head like a ton of bricks!!
I am not sure how plan B works once you receive D papers... will you be talking to Dr Harley??
I am so sorry about today Tony but again, perhaps a blessing in disguise as this may be just what is needed so your WW can start to experience the consequese of her actions too. You are going to fight for custody etc right??
Dr. Pittman says most of the divorces that result from infidelity are filed by the WS. The have the affair, trash the marriage, then leave the scene of their crime. But he also says the majority of them come back, even after divorce. So even if your wife goes through with the divorce there is still hope for reconciliation.
Of course, much of that will depend if you still want it months or even a year or two down the line.
I should be served today or tomorrow. The announcement was a complete surprise to me. I've got a thread going on ENs that gives a history if you are interested.
I understand completely how you feel. Everyone says it will get better, it's just a matter of surviving it now. Good luck.
Thanks Hiker, I’m so sorry (((((Booka))))).
McBecca, you have helped me tremendously, I’ve been following your replies to HS,
They are the inside thoughts of a WS that every BS need to know.
As far as my WW relation with OM goes, she never wanted to go live with him,
If you can figure that one out.
Now I can’t discuss this here but she knows that I have proof of the A still going on.
But every time I talk to her about NC with OM she gets angry and tells me, her decision now have nothing to do with OM.
The M is been over for years now.
I asked her why she doesn’t want to try, this is all I’m asking, and we have nothing to lose
And everything to gain, if it does work, we owe it to the kids.
She said the kids will get over it, they are hurting now, I told her I know, but the D will
Hurt them 100 times more, I think Rain you are making the biggest mistake of your life.
I know that the state of the M was bad before your A but you didn’t want out, and you didn’t want to work on the M.
But your decision now have everything to do with you’re A because it’s still going on,
And I think you just want me out so you can continue doing what your doing.
If not then why you are divorcing me?
Am I that bad of a guy in your opinion?
You know you are going to regret this don’t you?
All she could say is that “ it’s over”.
I gave her 2 ways out before her A started; on her birthday in 2005 I made a card for her,
At the end I asked her if she would marry me again, and I had a ring with me, she started crying, and told me “I don’t deserve you”, I told her this is not my Question, Rain this is
Your way out I know you are not happy, do you want to marry me again?
She said yes.
Then last summer she wanted a pool for the kids, the cost was close to $100K.
So I asked her again are we going to stay together? Are we going to stay in this house for
A while? And she said yes.
So we wasted $100K. When I brought this up, she said I made a mistake all right.
I wasn’t thinking.
Well is she thinking now?
I don’t know I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday, to see my options.
((((Becaa)))) thank you very much.
She is still fogged and you will not be able to reason with her. There's no point in trying.
Did I not read that both of you were still in the same house? The divorce will force you into Plan B.
Things will get better for you in Plan B. Maybe she will have a change of heart, but even if she doesn't you will begin to get stronger and be able to plan a life without her.
Please try to practice stating your stuff. You're worth it.
"I believe I have been tricked, deceived and mislead."
"I feel frustrated. I wanted guarantees. I wanted my wife to live up to her commitments."
State what you are thinking, feeling, believing and perceiving...this information is left out of describing what you/she said. Give us all of the information, inside and out, 'k?
Sharpens your focus to where you have control.
You've been doing great with stating your fears. Expand on that, 'k?
I do state my stuff then I get carried away.
My stuff I shared with her last night.
Rain I just want my pain to stop,I thought that nothing could hurt me more, until
I got served, and the pain and fear doubled, I saw the kids names on the summons and
I started crying.
The pain I’m in is unbearable, I wonder how I get up in the morning, and go to work.
I have no safe place to be at, I’m alone at work, and it’s been slow lately, I turn the TV on
And put the volume up to kill the silence, then I come home and I feel that I’m not wanted here, I feel like an old piece of furniture, that you are tossing away, I feel
Like a stranger in my own home.
And I ask myself why is this happening to me?
And I hear your words from a while back,” when you are nice people walk all over you.”
And this is what you are doing.
Rain I don’t hate you, I hate your choices, I actually still in love with you, I know you wonder why, I wonder why too.
I fear the kid’s pain when their world is going to be turned upside down.
I fear not being able to protect them all the time; they are to young to ride this,
I fear for their safety if or when other partners come into our lives, I know that
Nobody will love them and care for them as much as we do, but you know that.
They need both of us all the time, but you know that too.
I don’t know why you are doing this, do you?
OH and Becca how is she going to see OM's true colors,with
only a limited amount of contact? I don't see it happen.
You get carried away?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm such a stickler, ain't I? (Imagine an old furry cartoon character when you read that...hopefully, you caught some Looney Tunes in your international life.)
In the present...this moment, are you safe? Are you bearing your pain, knowing it fully? Sounds like you are.
Sounds like you know.
Until you go into the future, even a day...
You are coming home, you are sharing. You are being the father you wanted to be (within your control). You know your goals and priorities. Go over them. Stay in them. This is how you can best support your children today.
Sign up for parenting classes right away. Do not tell your WW about them. They are often required for a divorce. Be proactive. Act on your love, not your fear. You can do this.
Doesn't mean you'll be divorced, either. Means you'll have more information than you did before.
Sharing has no questions.
Would you consider making a copy of the top sheet of the filing, and write on the copy, "Contact continued" and mail it to OMW...no response required...just you updating.
That quote you like...about when you are nice, people walk all over you? Well, that's garbage to me. When you don't enforce your boundaries, people will cross them...and you will cross theirs.
Now that you know better, live better.
You self-soothed with your choice to believe you could not possibly hurt more...it was a false payoff. You don't know where all your pain is coming from...so how could you believe there wasn't more in store?
Learning where I injured, re-wounded myself lessened my pain...tracing it back, like a mass of network cables, my friend...through the router...to the server...was real self-comfort. Based in truth. Nothing to bash or punish myself for...because I made the choice to trace, to know...
Please make that choice, Tony.
I’m trying to bear the pain; I need to stay strong if not for me, for the kids.
I can’t imagine the pain this is going to inflict on them.
My DS overheard us talking about selling the house, he was terrified, and god bless his heart he asked me if we could take the new pool with us, he doesn’t even know, that
Mommy and daddy are going to be living in different places.
I have no idea how is she going to be able to look them in the eye and tell them.
But I guess like my IC told me her heart is hardened to a place that her emotions are numb, and she will not be able to feel or see other peoples pain, it’s all about her now,
And nobody can make her see the damage this will be causing, everybody including her.
The thing is humans cannot stay in this stage for too long and when they do wake up,
They will see, and they will hurt, they will hurt more, because they didn’t see it before,
Knowing if they did they would have stopped it from happening.
They might not wake up though until they hit rock bottom.
He advised me to exercise, and eat right, don’t stay at home take the kids and get out of house, go for a walk, or go to the park. This will burn the adrenaline caused by the anxiety, and I will feel better, and sleep better, and need to take care of myself, so I can
Be there for the kids, because I will have to be their rock for a while, and somehow, I need to be her rock to, when she falls.
So I will sigh up at the gym, get myself in shape; I will get a physical checkup.
I will still be the lighthouse, it’s hard but I can do it, this is all I can do.
Maybe she will peak out and see the light before she hit the rocks, maybe the light will
Guide her back to safety, maybe not.
This is out of my control.
He said the loving thing to do right now is not to shelter her from the consequences of her choices.
I told him I already told her that.
He said you did everything you could, and she knows that, she just doesn’t see it now.
Everything coming out of me right now no matter how loving the gesture is, she will
Interpret it as an attack, I told him she already does, she is been doing this a lot lately.
I don’t take it personally anymore.
I told him that I’m angry with her, I hate her choices, but I still love her.
It doesn’t make any sense I know, he said yes it does, and this is what I’m going to ask you to do, you can be angry, hateful, and still love, your love is your choice, you love the person, you hate their actions and their choices, perfectly normal.
2 separate things.
Thank you guys for listening, and sharing, I’m blessed to have found this website, I don’t feel alone anymore, somebody is listening, somebody always is.
praying for you.
Thank you FL.
Thank you very much.
Yes Tony....we are listening so keep posting.
I just popped in to say Hi. I don't have much advice for you because this roller coaster your on is very scarey.
All I can tell you (for sure) is "it will stop".
I'm sure you already know that but you must believe it too.
Good luck Tony and I promise you. It does get better.
Hang in there Tony.
"don't shelter her from her consequences" and two "protect and be there for your children"....this along with taking care of you and the children emotionally, physically and spiritually are all that you really have any control over for now. When I finally figured this one out I started to move forward. Let her go. She is determined to self destruct and you nor anyone else is going to stop her. So, let her. At that time she will have an opportunity to come face to face with the Almight or she can ask someone for a bigger shovel and keep digging. You can only pray for her. You may or may not want her back then but still do pray that she makes the right decision at that point (for her soul, the children, etc).
You WILL get through this one day at a time.
Thank you Hope.
I pray for her everyday.
she doesn't know what she is doing.
I hope you will find the strength to hang in there. My D-day was 3 1/2 years ago, and your post brought back the feelings that I have forgotten. Life is good again, and I am happier than before. I remember the days and long nights when I didn't think I could make it another hour.
You can have hope in the fact that they usually do come back. There is just the matter of whether you will still want her.
For me, when my husband finally realized what he was doing, it was too late.