On self-respect - - 11/08/06 04:59 PM
As I have struggled with self-respect/self-esteem most of my life I thought there may be others here working on the same issues and wanted to share the following:
"Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself."
- Abraham Joshua Heschel
The Prerequisite to Loving Your Neighbor
By Robert Ringer
When psychologists look at the most heinous murderers of our time - from Charles Manson to John Wayne Gacy to Jeffrey Dahmer to Ted Bundy to Dennis Rader (the infamous BTK serial killer) - they’re pretty much in agreement that all of these less-than-human creatures had, or have, two things in common: a lack of self-respect and an abundance of self-hatred. It seems clear that the inner conflicts of these monsters comprise a significant part of their motivation to wreak vengeance on others.
I bring up this distasteful subject because I see a great deal of self-contempt in many people I encounter. It isn't necessary for a person to tell me he lacks self-respect. You can see it in his facial expressions and body language. You can hear it in his words and the tone of his voice.
People who lack self-respect leave clues. Territorial people, for example - who saturate the workplace - always lack self-respect. There are no exceptions.
The same is true of people who defile their bodies (e.g., with facial tattoos, multiple piercings, pink/purple hair) in order to attract attention. School bullies - a group I have studied in some detail - are also notorious for their lack of self-respect.
If a person dislikes himself and has a low regard for his own abilities, he is unlikely to respect others. Such a person may not become a murderer, but, in all too many cases, he will harbor resentment - even hatred - for people in whom he identifies his own intolerable flaws.
This is why self-love (not narcissism!) is the foundation of a peaceful society. If you don't love yourself, how can you "love thy neighbor"? As theologian Joshua Liebman phrased it, "We must have good domestic relations with ourselves before we can have good foreign relations with others."
How do you learn to overcome feelings of inadequacy and perhaps even a dislike for yourself? Philosophers and psychologists have been wrestling with this question for centuries. The truth is, there is no simple answer and certainly no one answer.
However, there are certain actions you can take that are guaranteed to bolster your self-respect. Following are some of those that I believe to be among the most important.
Action No. 1: Rid yourself of the delusion that people of great wealth and/or fame are superior to you. I've known my share of rich and famous people, and have found them to be, as a group, more insecure than the average person.
Which is why you should never allow yourself to become overly impressed by the fame and fortune of others, and never sell yourself short because of someone else's success. You are a unique human being - and, without even meeting you, I'm certain you have a number of unique talents.
Why? Because the universe is not a cookie-cutter factory. No two stars are alike, no two snowflakes are alike, and no two human beings are alike.
Action No. 2: Show respect for others. You don't have to respect a person's behavior, but you are morally obliged to respect his time. Which means, first and foremost, being on time when it comes to phone calls, meetings, and other commitments.
When I was just starting out in business, I was notoriously late to meetings. What I recall most about arriving late was that it made me feel inferior. I felt like I was on the defensive before I even entered the room.
On a couple of occasions, when the person with whom I was to meet refused to see me because I was so late, I felt like a bug. Thankfully, the pain ultimately became great enough to motivate me to become obsessed with being early.
These days, I usually show up for appointments 15 to 30 minutes early. Sometimes even an hour early if traffic turns out to be much lighter than I expected. I still miscalculate now and then, but it's rare. And since I usually have a good book or other important reading material with me, being early is never a waste of my time.
Action No. 3: Deal only with people who demonstrate - through their actions - that they are anxious to deal with you. If someone doesn't return your phone calls, it is the height of rudeness. But the important thing to understand is that he is sending you a message that you are a low priority on his "to-do" list.
Even worse is when you allow yourself to get maneuvered into a position of having to justify your existence. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, have the presence of mind to make it clear to the other party that you don't have time to be interrogated. Then make your exit.
As an alternative, skip the explanation and just exit immediately. The best self-respect builder you will ever find is the word "Next!" When you possess self-respect, you recognize that you don't need any one person or any one deal. You know you're independent when you deal with whom you want, when you want, and, to the extent possible, on your terms.
Action No. 4: Strive to lead a concentric life. By this I mean making certain that your actions align with what you know, in both your mind and heart, to be right. Pretension and hypocrisy are among the most vile human traits, so be vigilant about always displaying the real you.
This often means renouncing childish behavior and accepting adult responsibilities such as marriage, family, and a profession. It means understanding that your actions affect those around you in myriad ways that are not always obvious on the surface.
It's much like throwing a pebble into a pond and watching increasingly larger ripples form. Every action you take causes ripples that affect many other lives, including those of people you may never meet.
Remember, self-respect comes from within. You do not have the right to demand respect from others, but you do possess the right to refuse to deal with people who do not show you respect. As a general rule, however, the more you demonstrate that you respect yourself, the more likely others are to respect you.
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"Self-respect is the fruit of discipline; the sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself."
- Abraham Joshua Heschel
The Prerequisite to Loving Your Neighbor
By Robert Ringer
When psychologists look at the most heinous murderers of our time - from Charles Manson to John Wayne Gacy to Jeffrey Dahmer to Ted Bundy to Dennis Rader (the infamous BTK serial killer) - they’re pretty much in agreement that all of these less-than-human creatures had, or have, two things in common: a lack of self-respect and an abundance of self-hatred. It seems clear that the inner conflicts of these monsters comprise a significant part of their motivation to wreak vengeance on others.
I bring up this distasteful subject because I see a great deal of self-contempt in many people I encounter. It isn't necessary for a person to tell me he lacks self-respect. You can see it in his facial expressions and body language. You can hear it in his words and the tone of his voice.
People who lack self-respect leave clues. Territorial people, for example - who saturate the workplace - always lack self-respect. There are no exceptions.
The same is true of people who defile their bodies (e.g., with facial tattoos, multiple piercings, pink/purple hair) in order to attract attention. School bullies - a group I have studied in some detail - are also notorious for their lack of self-respect.
If a person dislikes himself and has a low regard for his own abilities, he is unlikely to respect others. Such a person may not become a murderer, but, in all too many cases, he will harbor resentment - even hatred - for people in whom he identifies his own intolerable flaws.
This is why self-love (not narcissism!) is the foundation of a peaceful society. If you don't love yourself, how can you "love thy neighbor"? As theologian Joshua Liebman phrased it, "We must have good domestic relations with ourselves before we can have good foreign relations with others."
How do you learn to overcome feelings of inadequacy and perhaps even a dislike for yourself? Philosophers and psychologists have been wrestling with this question for centuries. The truth is, there is no simple answer and certainly no one answer.
However, there are certain actions you can take that are guaranteed to bolster your self-respect. Following are some of those that I believe to be among the most important.
Action No. 1: Rid yourself of the delusion that people of great wealth and/or fame are superior to you. I've known my share of rich and famous people, and have found them to be, as a group, more insecure than the average person.
Which is why you should never allow yourself to become overly impressed by the fame and fortune of others, and never sell yourself short because of someone else's success. You are a unique human being - and, without even meeting you, I'm certain you have a number of unique talents.
Why? Because the universe is not a cookie-cutter factory. No two stars are alike, no two snowflakes are alike, and no two human beings are alike.
Action No. 2: Show respect for others. You don't have to respect a person's behavior, but you are morally obliged to respect his time. Which means, first and foremost, being on time when it comes to phone calls, meetings, and other commitments.
When I was just starting out in business, I was notoriously late to meetings. What I recall most about arriving late was that it made me feel inferior. I felt like I was on the defensive before I even entered the room.
On a couple of occasions, when the person with whom I was to meet refused to see me because I was so late, I felt like a bug. Thankfully, the pain ultimately became great enough to motivate me to become obsessed with being early.
These days, I usually show up for appointments 15 to 30 minutes early. Sometimes even an hour early if traffic turns out to be much lighter than I expected. I still miscalculate now and then, but it's rare. And since I usually have a good book or other important reading material with me, being early is never a waste of my time.
Action No. 3: Deal only with people who demonstrate - through their actions - that they are anxious to deal with you. If someone doesn't return your phone calls, it is the height of rudeness. But the important thing to understand is that he is sending you a message that you are a low priority on his "to-do" list.
Even worse is when you allow yourself to get maneuvered into a position of having to justify your existence. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, have the presence of mind to make it clear to the other party that you don't have time to be interrogated. Then make your exit.
As an alternative, skip the explanation and just exit immediately. The best self-respect builder you will ever find is the word "Next!" When you possess self-respect, you recognize that you don't need any one person or any one deal. You know you're independent when you deal with whom you want, when you want, and, to the extent possible, on your terms.
Action No. 4: Strive to lead a concentric life. By this I mean making certain that your actions align with what you know, in both your mind and heart, to be right. Pretension and hypocrisy are among the most vile human traits, so be vigilant about always displaying the real you.
This often means renouncing childish behavior and accepting adult responsibilities such as marriage, family, and a profession. It means understanding that your actions affect those around you in myriad ways that are not always obvious on the surface.
It's much like throwing a pebble into a pond and watching increasingly larger ripples form. Every action you take causes ripples that affect many other lives, including those of people you may never meet.
Remember, self-respect comes from within. You do not have the right to demand respect from others, but you do possess the right to refuse to deal with people who do not show you respect. As a general rule, however, the more you demonstrate that you respect yourself, the more likely others are to respect you.
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