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Posted By: not2late Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/09/06 10:41 PM
WW left 3 months ago after 18 month affair to be with the OM.I sent plan B letter 2 weeks ago. WWs' birthday is in a few days, and although I will be staying dark ,I was wondering how much I should encourage the kids to remember her birthday ? They are 20 ,19,16 and 14 and have chosen to have no contact with their mother.
Posted By: noodle Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/09/06 10:44 PM
No..plan B can not be too dark.

It isn't YOUR actions that are causing her to be away from her children and it isn't YOUR responsibility to get in the equation.

It's a bad idea to come between your kids and their mom...respect their choice and allow her to suffer the results of her own decisions.
Posted By: krusht Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/09/06 11:23 PM
not2,

""I was wondering how much I should encourage the kids to remember her birthday ?""

How much??? NO MUCH!! Plan B must be done with a hard heart. Dark is dark.

You must toughen up that soft spot that you still have for her.

You know, that soft spot in your heart...the one she ripped out of your chest through your sternum!!

SNAP OUT OF IT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

krk
Posted By: Cymanca Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/10/06 12:05 AM
Partial Plan B is as improbable as being partially pregnant. Either you are or you are not.

Hang in there
Posted By: not2late Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/10/06 02:00 AM
Thanks for the replies. With me in plan B and the kids having no contact my WW is now completely cutoff from her family.I am certain this is not the situation she anticipated when she left.Prior to the affair becoming the main focus of her life she was a very devoted wife and mother.Maybe she gave too much of herself to her family.
Posted By: JSlost Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/10/06 02:16 AM
Don't second guess yourself NTL,
You are awsome for holding still.
Stay strong and most of all stay dark.

Listen To Noodle.......she won't stear you wrong.

Jeff
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/10/06 04:35 PM
Hey n2l,

Haven't posted to you before, but I am also in Plan B now for over a month.

I do not shelter my WH from the choice that he has made. You are finished with that, right?

Your kids are, most likely, aware that their mother has a birthday and that it is soon if not passed already. They will contact her on their own if they would like to, that is not your relationship.

Plan B is for you. She's grown and can take care of herself.
Posted By: HopeThisWorks Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/10/06 05:07 PM
I have been in Plan B for almost 3 months now and during that time my WW's birthday came and went without any contact from me.

Plan B will make you stronger ONLY if you stick with your boundaries. A semi dark Plan B will not work for you or your M.

Stay dark and with time you will be glad you did.
Posted By: not2late Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/11/06 03:40 AM
Thanks Silentlucidity and htw for your replies. As I understand it, one of the purposes of plan B is to keep the WS and BS apart , the theory being that any contact while the affair is ongoing will drain the BS lovebank at an even faster rate than it is already being depleted.This became very clear to me last Sunday when I drove 60 miles to watch my 19 yr. old daughter play hockey with her universitys'womens' team.Upon entering the arena I had my first encounter with the OM since D day.He was standing around in the lobby area even though the game was underway.I think he was very reluctant to enter the spectator section because if my daughter were to see him there she would probably go after him with her hockey stick. Anyway, with him there I knew my WW was likely there as well.Turns out I saw her before she saw me and I was able to avoid her.This was the first time seeing her since she left and I found it very difficult.I feel that any contact under these conditions just brings the day you have nothing left that much closer.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/11/06 04:14 PM
because if my daughter were to see him there she would probably go after him with her hockey stick

I would love to see that! Well, not really.

As for the day you have nothing left moving much closer, well, that's just not true. I know that is not what you believe right now, and sometimes I don't believe it myself. For the rest of your life, if you encounter your WW, you will feel that pang, because you love or once loved her and she tore you asunder. It's painful. That does not mean that you have nothing. As plan B really takes a hold of you, you will find yourself again. You will find peace and mourn and begin to heal. This takes a lot of time, and I'm just beginning, but I have been very dark in Plan B.

I don't go a day without thinking of my WH, and mourn a little more, but I don't go a day without thinking of myself and moving forward. I wrote about this feeling of still having a connection with WH as a 'thread' or string, if you will. It still pulls at me, but it's fraying as we speak. I'm still trying to keep it safe, but I know that it will fray to the point of breaking one day; it will be a sad day, but it will be freeing too. Oh, I do prattle on sometimes!

Time and darkness is what it takes.
Posted By: not2late Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/11/06 05:45 PM
Silentlucidity, Shortly after my wife left,Steve Harley said that men can usually last longer than women in a plan A/B situation because of their ability to compartmentalize their emotions. I feel that I must be the exception to this generalization as thoughts of my WW are still front and center in my mind every day. Over 100 days have gone by now since she left but after 30 years together this is really insignificant.I think as time goes on you become more convinced that the possibility of reconciliation is becoming more remote. When you realize that the marriage is truly over then moving on becomes easier
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/11/06 06:39 PM
I think it's going to take me a bit longer to realize that my marriage is truly over. I'm still fairly devastated by how little I mean to this man, formerly known as my H. I'm not doing well this weekend because I had a visit with my lawyer regarding our LSA, and the pain comes back. I know that it will subside, and that there is no way around this whole mess but to walk straight through it. I'm just so devastated. [email]D@mnit![/email] I'm tearing up! I haven't cried in a couple of weeks.

I really meant to try and reassure you that everything will, someday, be okay. It will be better than okay. Hopefully, you and your WW will be recovering together. She is still in a non-realistic fog; you never know what time will bring...
Posted By: not2late Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/12/06 09:20 PM
silentlucidity, I hope this is a brighter day for you than yesterday.I guess the only certainty in all of this is that we will eventually move forward and this sad chapter in our lives will be a distant memory. In a year or two most of the names you are familiar with on this forum will no longer be here, having accepted whatever their ' new reality' is and getting on with their lives.Take care
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Can plan B be too dark ? - 11/12/06 09:30 PM
Hey n2l,
Well, I've had better weekends, but I know that this too shall pass. I certainly plan on being in a better place in two years, and hope to have gained enough knowledge that I only come here to help others, and refresh myself on things.

Despite my emotional backslide (only small one at that), I'm still feeling well.

You take care, yourself!
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