I posted an update to my sitch on another thread, but as I thought about it, I was wondering my M is in recovery.

Eventhough FWW is living away from home for her job, she ended contact and is trying to meet my EN's and is doing pretty well. I'm doing the same. She seems genuinely sorry about the A. So does that mean our M is in recovery?

If we are in recovery, and Plan A/B are for ending A's, what's the MB plan for recovery. Do I just keep plugging along.

Also, has anyone else been in a sitch where FWS ended the A, wasn't unrepentant, was doing things to work on the M, but just wasn't like "full tilt" on the work. i.e. no MC, etc. What did you do?

rprynne, this is not what I would consider recovery, since you don't live together. Recovery means rebuilding the intimacy and attachment that binds a marriage. Without that, there is no foundation. Living seperate lives in different states precludes that. I certainly think that recovery is possible, but not as long as you don't live together and she places her career aspirations above her marriage.

But.........you can call this whatever you choose since it is your life. You can call it a baloney sandwich if you want. So let me ask you this question. If we could call this "recovery," would you settle for this as a marriage? Will you be happy in a marriage living like you do now?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html

The above information defines what is necessary for MARITAL RECOVERY according to Dr. Harley.

As Mel stated, you lack the RULE OF TIME. I'm not sure about the other RULES.

OT..sorry, RP...Mel, that "baloney sandwich" comment cracked me up..LOL....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Easy folks. I didn't say recovered. I said in recovery.

I'm not asking this as an exercise in wishful thinking. I realize the separation is a big issue and I'm not taking it lightly.

I guess to rephrase the question is how would I classify things right now. The A is over, and my FWW is doing some (a lot actually) things to try and reconcile. So where am I at? Does it matter? Do I do something different? Has anyone else been in a similar sitch?

If she wanted to reconcile, she would reconcile. The truth is that she can come home any time she chooses, but she chooses NOT TO reconcile. If she were committed to recovery, she would be DOING, not "trying." Your wife won't live with you and has demonstrated that she chooses her career at the expense of her marriage.

And no, you shouldn't do anything different if you can live with that status quo. But I wouldn't go out on a limb and call that "recovery," it is not. What counts is that you choose to live like this, which is your right.

Following those rules are absolutely necessary to BEGIN RECOVERY. We did those from DAY 1 at the recommendation of STEVE HARLEY...

To add onto Mimi's point, I am going to go out on a limb here and say that those rules for recovery presume that the couple live in the same state, in the same house.

No

recovery takes a tremendous amount of effort

the "without knowing it" is wishful thinking

Pep

Golly, you guys are cranky. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can understand with Mel (you know her being from Texas and all), but gosh. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm not disagreeing with what anyone is saying. What I'm trying to wrap my brain around is that there's a set of things you should be doing while in Plan A. Some of those things seem unique to busting up the A or dealing with a Foggy WS.

But more importantly, IMO, there's also kind of a mind set you would have when your in plan A. That detaching with love kind of thing.

It would also seem logical to me that in recovery there is a different mindset. A reinvestment so to speak with your FWS. Recovered folks can correct me if I'm wrong, but to recover I would think you kind of have to jump in with both feet and have a lot of faith and hope that your M is going to make it.

So given my WS choices thus far, I don't feel like I should have the detached with love mindset, but I also don't think I should jump in with both feet.

RP, I am not sure I am following you, but detaching with love is not a trait of Plan A, but of Alanon. Unless you mean Plan B, which is complete seperation. When you are in recovery, both parties do jump in with both feet, so to speak.

Didn't know that was part of Alanon. Maybe I'm just totally missing the point. I'll try to clarify what I mean about detaching with love.

When your in plan A, and the WS is still in contact, you don't get emotional or freak out, you calmly confront and and let the WS how much that hurts you, etc. You also need to assume that the WS is still in contact, until proven otherwise.

Well at least to me, that takes a certain mindset to be like that. Call it being reserved, holding back or not wearing your heart on your sleeve.

I would think in recovery you wouldn't be like that. You would be more open about your emotions.

Since NC is in place, but I'm also not in recovery. I'm trying to decide whether I should continue be more reserved or more open.

Another thing that has me asking this, is when I finally became convinced NC is in place, I felt better about things. But since MT is not committing to the M, I don't feel great about things.

Like I said, these things make me confused about my action plan going forward and I'm just wondering what one would call this "limbo" that I feel like I'm in, has anyone else been in a similar place, and what did they do.