Strange Odyssey looking back - 12/22/06 11:42 PM
I have been lurking around this site for the last 12 mos. and found it very helpful and it has given a clear explanation of my W’s behavior in the last 2-3 yrs. I want to mention that I admire the “unsung heroes” of this site who have given much time to assist others in their time of extreme pain. The pain one reads on this forum can be so raw and brutal.
Let me explain the story – long-sorry – Both my W and I are 47 yrs. My W is attractive, looks 10 yrs younger and full of energy. She is the type that bounces around in a blonde pony tail with a personality in which no one is a stranger. I always call her a little “sprite” or “pixie”.
We have been married 26 years and have 2 DS (24&19) & 1DD (15).Most of our M – she has been a SAHM with occasional PT jobs. Since 2001, she has been working as a bartender during the day. I used to travel quite a bit during the work week, but always made a point to be home for the weekend.
During the spring of 2004, I noticed her behavior was changing for the worst – not attending church, binge drinking, staying out late at night, and hanging out with a different crowd. Friends were exotic dancers, etc.
In the beginning – I thought pre-menopause, her mother’s death -prev 2 yrs, 2 kids moving out to college and an all around mid life crisis. SF also dropped suddenly – almost overnight - very active to not interested for several months. Alarm bells starting going off in my head when I checked the cell phone records.
Attitude towards me went down hill quickly that spring, our closest relatives are over 1K miles away, so we have always relied on each other and have a close knit family unit. But there was something amiss during the period between 3/2004 and 6/2005, we were not working together and I was starting to get the feeling of not being wanted around her. I didn’t realize it at first – but there was a third person.
Other symptoms cropped up, each spring we take a backpacking trip to Big Bend NP and in the summer we go to Florida and a small trip to the Texas hill country. She no longer wanted to join the family in the trips but rather stay home. She would say not interested in roughing it but in the past – she always loved to be outdoors.
Also received comments from her about how her customers at work would say that she doesn’t get treated well by me. My reply was we have been together so long – how in the heck would they know our relationship and how tight our bond is. This is just sample of strange comments and behavior. Each symptom by itself did not stick but when one looks back – you have to know something is up when added together.
After a bit of investigation in summer 2005– I found that a wealthy single OM was wooing her since spring 2004. Did a look up on property values – his condo is worth over $800+ . It dawned on me when she used to say there was some one who wanted to take her to NYC and Las Vegas for weekends. She never accepted - I think. I realized that I had some tough competition on my hands to keep my W. On the financial side (I make $50K) I couldn’t compete. Self-esteem nose-dived. I couldnt compete this rich Dallas OM. I was at my lowest at this time around Nov 2004. I started to realize that you cannot take a marriage for granted and you have no control over other people.
To this day – not sure if PA – not sure if she crossed the line but I wasn’t fully aware of the danger to our marriage or understood affairs at the time. I still didn’t understand the scope of the issue until this period was over and I starting looking at this site.
Strange but during this time – I plan A’d her big time without realizing until afterwards. On our 25th anniv 2005 – I took her on a backpacking trip to Tulum, and Belize for 10 days staying in hostels, & cabanas and riding local chicken buses. We had a good trip and she didn’t want to leave to go home.
When I got back – I got HepA and was bedridden for over a month [shots didn’t work ]. She basically stayed home during that time taking care of me (there was NC w/OM during this time). I do recall one incident during one of the high fevers, she was upset with me and started to slug me and wished I would just die and leave her alone. I was kind of in a dreamy state but that is etched in my mind. I have never brought it up but it was the first time I realized my vulnerability. I can still lose her .
My boys were in the house at the time so this is when events took a turn. Both sons are big athletic types. The boys were giving their mother a hard time on her attitude and I believe they may have met up with the predator OM and gave some advice to back off from their mother. I had overheard them talking amongst themselves from another room.
Anyway I got better, we returned to our jobs and I saw the cell calls resume and there were a couple of late nights in Aug / Sept 2005. All of a sudden the calls to the number stopped (same time I think sons may have intervened). Within a week, my W went into a depression that lasted 5 weeks until Nov 2005. She never went to work and barely got out of bed during this time. I since now know that she may have been going through withdrawls.
My guess is that he dropped her because of my sons, or the PA never materialized, or he got his notch and eventually dropped her. I think he just wanted another notch on his expensive belt – perhaps she figured it out. I know that she will never tell me and it will remain a mystery. In the last year – well we are getting along nicely but I spy and snoop like there is no tomorrow. I did see a contact to the OM a couple of months ago on the cell phone – 4 min call and nothing since that time.
The only thing not back to normal is SF – no SF for 6 mos early this year. Very frustrating – I am definitely not over the hill yet. I have sat her down and explained to her I want a W and companion for life – I have no need for a maid nor a room mate. She still works at same place but gets home right on time for the last 12 mos. Things are getting better. I have made sure there is more time for us.
I have tried to bring it up and she quickly says that its all in my mind. Gets upset that I would even think that she could fall for anyone else. I don’t push it because I know if it happens again in the future – I will catch it early with proof. I have my ducks in a row, a plan in place if it happens. One key thing I have learned from this site – get a plan and stay the course. It’s the only way to master the emotional roller coaster. I may have been lucky this time that it didn’t take a bad turn like she wanting to move in with OM, etc but I also realize I don’t have control of events – only my own actions.
Long story but quick queston? Anyone out there find out about an affair after it ran its course or am I the only one who didnt notice it until the A ran out of steam?
Let me explain the story – long-sorry – Both my W and I are 47 yrs. My W is attractive, looks 10 yrs younger and full of energy. She is the type that bounces around in a blonde pony tail with a personality in which no one is a stranger. I always call her a little “sprite” or “pixie”.
We have been married 26 years and have 2 DS (24&19) & 1DD (15).Most of our M – she has been a SAHM with occasional PT jobs. Since 2001, she has been working as a bartender during the day. I used to travel quite a bit during the work week, but always made a point to be home for the weekend.
During the spring of 2004, I noticed her behavior was changing for the worst – not attending church, binge drinking, staying out late at night, and hanging out with a different crowd. Friends were exotic dancers, etc.
In the beginning – I thought pre-menopause, her mother’s death -prev 2 yrs, 2 kids moving out to college and an all around mid life crisis. SF also dropped suddenly – almost overnight - very active to not interested for several months. Alarm bells starting going off in my head when I checked the cell phone records.
Attitude towards me went down hill quickly that spring, our closest relatives are over 1K miles away, so we have always relied on each other and have a close knit family unit. But there was something amiss during the period between 3/2004 and 6/2005, we were not working together and I was starting to get the feeling of not being wanted around her. I didn’t realize it at first – but there was a third person.
Other symptoms cropped up, each spring we take a backpacking trip to Big Bend NP and in the summer we go to Florida and a small trip to the Texas hill country. She no longer wanted to join the family in the trips but rather stay home. She would say not interested in roughing it but in the past – she always loved to be outdoors.
Also received comments from her about how her customers at work would say that she doesn’t get treated well by me. My reply was we have been together so long – how in the heck would they know our relationship and how tight our bond is. This is just sample of strange comments and behavior. Each symptom by itself did not stick but when one looks back – you have to know something is up when added together.
After a bit of investigation in summer 2005– I found that a wealthy single OM was wooing her since spring 2004. Did a look up on property values – his condo is worth over $800+ . It dawned on me when she used to say there was some one who wanted to take her to NYC and Las Vegas for weekends. She never accepted - I think. I realized that I had some tough competition on my hands to keep my W. On the financial side (I make $50K) I couldn’t compete. Self-esteem nose-dived. I couldnt compete this rich Dallas OM. I was at my lowest at this time around Nov 2004. I started to realize that you cannot take a marriage for granted and you have no control over other people.
To this day – not sure if PA – not sure if she crossed the line but I wasn’t fully aware of the danger to our marriage or understood affairs at the time. I still didn’t understand the scope of the issue until this period was over and I starting looking at this site.
Strange but during this time – I plan A’d her big time without realizing until afterwards. On our 25th anniv 2005 – I took her on a backpacking trip to Tulum, and Belize for 10 days staying in hostels, & cabanas and riding local chicken buses. We had a good trip and she didn’t want to leave to go home.
When I got back – I got HepA and was bedridden for over a month [shots didn’t work ]. She basically stayed home during that time taking care of me (there was NC w/OM during this time). I do recall one incident during one of the high fevers, she was upset with me and started to slug me and wished I would just die and leave her alone. I was kind of in a dreamy state but that is etched in my mind. I have never brought it up but it was the first time I realized my vulnerability. I can still lose her .
My boys were in the house at the time so this is when events took a turn. Both sons are big athletic types. The boys were giving their mother a hard time on her attitude and I believe they may have met up with the predator OM and gave some advice to back off from their mother. I had overheard them talking amongst themselves from another room.
Anyway I got better, we returned to our jobs and I saw the cell calls resume and there were a couple of late nights in Aug / Sept 2005. All of a sudden the calls to the number stopped (same time I think sons may have intervened). Within a week, my W went into a depression that lasted 5 weeks until Nov 2005. She never went to work and barely got out of bed during this time. I since now know that she may have been going through withdrawls.
My guess is that he dropped her because of my sons, or the PA never materialized, or he got his notch and eventually dropped her. I think he just wanted another notch on his expensive belt – perhaps she figured it out. I know that she will never tell me and it will remain a mystery. In the last year – well we are getting along nicely but I spy and snoop like there is no tomorrow. I did see a contact to the OM a couple of months ago on the cell phone – 4 min call and nothing since that time.
The only thing not back to normal is SF – no SF for 6 mos early this year. Very frustrating – I am definitely not over the hill yet. I have sat her down and explained to her I want a W and companion for life – I have no need for a maid nor a room mate. She still works at same place but gets home right on time for the last 12 mos. Things are getting better. I have made sure there is more time for us.
I have tried to bring it up and she quickly says that its all in my mind. Gets upset that I would even think that she could fall for anyone else. I don’t push it because I know if it happens again in the future – I will catch it early with proof. I have my ducks in a row, a plan in place if it happens. One key thing I have learned from this site – get a plan and stay the course. It’s the only way to master the emotional roller coaster. I may have been lucky this time that it didn’t take a bad turn like she wanting to move in with OM, etc but I also realize I don’t have control of events – only my own actions.
Long story but quick queston? Anyone out there find out about an affair after it ran its course or am I the only one who didnt notice it until the A ran out of steam?