A has been going on for almost 2 years. WH and I have been separated for 12 months. Our marriage began in the UK where I lived and had his daughter for 4 years. We decided to immigrate to my country (Oz) with our daughter. He sent us out 3 months ahead of him stating he needed to ‘work’ til Christmas ’05.

When he arrived out here I found out about the A straight away. That night he decided to get on a plane and return to UK. He left me and our 2 year old without looking back. He stayed in UK with OW for another 4 months and then returned here to Oz after some pressure from other people who told him he should be supporting his child.

In the last 7 months that he’s been out here we have had absolutely no contact except to organise visitation to his daughter. All contact has been via texts. I tried the ‘let him go’ approach and he couldn’t have been happier. Has never once asked me how I am or has asked to see me in any way, shape or form. Instead has just told me over and over that he should never have married me, he’s lived with a sick feeling in his stomach for 8 years knowing he made a mistake and that he does not love me. I have heard this for 12 months now.

This whole last 12 months have been about getting me to end the marriage so he can always blame me. So, last month I told him I would go to marriage counselling if he ended his relationship with OW. He’s ‘thinking’ about it. Then, last week I find out OW has arrived out here. He still won’t admit it, but I know she’s here and have let his family know. I told him 2 days ago that we agreed he would give me an answer by the end of the year. I asked (via text of course, because we’re incapable of talking any other way these days) will I be getting an answer? He said ‘no, not yet’. I replied ‘I will ask you again in one week. I expect a final answer then’. No response.

I think I’m done. I do not believe this marriage is salvageable. I do not believe, in my heart, that I could ever be happy with this man again. I think I have sunk so low in self-esteem that I am willing to sit around and continue to let him treat me like a dog and wait for him to make up his mind. I have wrestled with this for 12 months. I have prayed, changed, grown and grieved. And I know I’m not there yet. After reading on MB for so long, and hearing how other men act even though they’re still in the fog and how most still show a glimmer of care toward the person they’ve hurt so badly, I think I have finally realised this marriage is dead.

Should I ask again in 5 days what his decision is? Or should I take my future into my own hands and make the tough decision for myself and my daughter and start getting on with my life?

Usually when you are ready to divorce, you KNOW that is what you want. Was this guy ever a good husband?

I think it is that 'knowing' that I'm finally able to admit to myself now.

I would say he was a good husband in the early years, but even having said that...I'm not sure I really knew what a good husband was. I thought it was normal for him to hardly ever make conversation with me, or want to do anything with me, or want to discuss anything with me or want to dream with me. He did that as a boyfriend. It all fell apart when he became a husband.

Now, I know I'm looking at things through the eyes of his A, but there's also honesty in what I'm saying. Since I've returned home to live with my parents, I've learned ALOT about what a good relationship is. I realise now just how BAD our relationship was in so many ways.

We had a wonderful courtship, but even that was a long-distant one for 2 years. We didn't see each other for 9 months before we got married!

I will always love him to some degree, but I KNOW I will not be happy with him. Sure, I could wait around a few more years, put my life on hold and see if he'll grow up and change...but what if he doesn't? He's gone from bad to worse in the past 12 months, even just a few weeks ago telling me I wanted to kill my father...'I would have smashed his head into the concrete over and over and over and I still feel the same rage towards him today that I did back then' (because my father dared to tell him if he tried to come in the way of my daughter and me he would answer to him).

It is such a rollercoaster...but, maybe it's got something to do with the fact it's a new year, I feel ready to take charge of my life now and I'm feeling strong enough to say 'I'm allowed to make this decision! I'm not a doormat anymore!'.

I'm soooo pi££ed off! My 2 1/2 year old daughter came home today after spending the day with her dad saying OW's name! She also came home with a huge bunch of new clothes and the top I sent her away for the day in was swapped for a new one!

Now, maybe I'm looking too far into that BUT - I want to BURN these clothes! I asked why they were bought and WH said 'I bought them yesterday in the sales'. Yesterday was a public holiday!

Maybe her dad DID buy them for her and if I knew that HE did then I would be ok, but I can barely look at them wondering if OW did. (OW just arrived in my country last week).

If it were you, what would you do with them?

Return them to him and tell him there is a funny stench on them. Ask him where he got them and see if he spills any beans.

What about this OW? Have you done a background check? Let all family members and supporters know OW's name and put them on the alert. Tell them OW is being introduced to your daughter and you vehemently against it.

JMHO,
L.

Hi Orchid,

I was thinking of giving them to charity...but I love your idea much better!! Yuk!

Is really hard to get any info on this woman. Where would I start with a background check? I've looked her up on the whitepages in her country and there aren't too many living in her area with her surname...only about 5 people...and I know she was living with her parents. I was thinking about calling and speaking to her Dad. I've let almost all of his family know. They're just so disgusted, but they completely stay out of things. They don't believe in meddling in other people's affairs (no pun intended). His Mom told me maybe I should look at it that God is graciously and mercifully working to bring 3 poeple into (daughter's name's) life. She's got a paranoid personality disorder and is a completely different woman now to who she was about 8 years ago. His Dad is on anti-depressants now too...has lost his job and is fighting to keep their home. I've never got one piece of help from them, just emails from his Mom blaming and accusing me. It's really quite unbelieveable...considering his dad was a minister. People are just so disgusted with my WH (who at one point was going to be a minister himself and was volunteering at a summer camp teaching teenagers how to love God and others while he was screwing around on me). But no-one is willing to do or say anything. A bit hard now too considering his hiding here in my country where he is pretty unknown compared to the thousands of people who know him because of who his Dad is around the globe. He's relatively safe here - no family, no friends, just him and his wistress - completely able to start a life over here for themselves.

That's why I feel our situation is a little different to most others, and why I'm beginning to really see that I'm done with this man.

When Noddy and Omelette started buying gifts and clothes for my girls, I sent them straight back again.

No room in my house for any more junk, I told them.

Orchid is right - the stuff they sent over smelled of OW. It was like she was trying to invade my house. Blech.

Alph.

Just wanted to give an update a month on....

WH told me he couldn't give me an answer about our marriage and didn't know when he could. We had an argument via text message (I asked him who 'Lisa' was as our 2 year old came home from her day with him saying 'Aunty Lisa'. He said he had no idea and didn't know a Lisa in this country. So I was a smart alec (not something I've done much at all over the 12 months of separation, but was furious with him that he wouldn't admit OW had arrived here but also wouldn't say she wasn't). So anyway, I wrote 'maybe she meant to say 'OW' since that's who she came home saying last week'. He blasted me. Anyway, later that night I sent him a text and apologised. I told him if I was trying to provoke a response from him it was because I was just trying to find out if he still cared in any way.

I got no response from him.

This made me furious, I have to admit. There's nothing like being ignored when you've sincerely apologised and laid your vulnerabilities out to a WS.

From that night on I decided to go very dark. My father and mother have been dropping our daughter off and picking her up. I've not sent ANY text messages to him, just responded to his once a week one that confirms he can have daughter on the saturday.

I haven't heard anything from him. No question as to why I wasn't the one dropping daughter off, no acknowledgement of my apology.

For years, even before we were married, what my husband did and what he said were too different things. In these 12 months of separation, it is the first time in our 8 years together that what he says and what he does actually match up. He's told me he doesn't love me and he's shown me he doesn't. He just doesn't care.

What advice would anyone give as to what I should do from here?

{{{lucyloo}}}


Are you in Plan B? If you are, stay dark. If you are not in an official plan B, I would still stay dark. Contact with your WH is causing you pain. Remove yourself from that [email]cr@p.[/email]

I never went into an official plan B (I plan A'd too long and my love bank went bankrupt bigtime) but going NC with my WH saved me a lot of heartache.

I truly understand when you say your WH has shown he doesn't care about you. My ex is the same. He's never shown the slightest remorse or regret either. The best thing to do is to take yourself out of that triangle and begin living for yourself.

I know it isn't easy. But you can't expect anything kind from an active WS. If they are deep, deep in the fog (and some really are in deeper than others - like my ex and your WH) they simply do not care about the BS.

Deep inside the WH, slumbers the H. One day he will wake up. But by then, it may well be too late. I know it was for me.

Peace to you.

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

Thanks for your reply (I made reference to you in the thread about what we all first thought of MB's. One of my first thoughts was how I wished I'd come up with the names 'Noddy & Omelette'. Love them!!

No, no official Plan B, but I will stay dark.

You are so right...seeing him every week has really been causing me heartache. I didn't feel I could do things any other way because I wanted to take the higher ground and be proud of the way I handled myself through-out all of this. But the break I have had from him has done me the WORLD of good. I've been able to take a real breather from him!!

For me, the hardest part of all this is no longer the affair, but how he has treated me since D Day. The complete abandon, the complete dis-regard, the complete....I can't even think of a word that truly reflects his lack of...everything. I'm sure you can identify.

I too believe H is slumbering in there somewhere. I have some christian do-gooder friends who seem judgemental of me for not praying with all my heart that our marriage will be restored. Don't get me wrong, I do believe that with God all things are possible, and I have been submitting this to him for over 12 months now,but maybe not all things are good for us.

With everything my WH has said and done and PROVEN with his actions, I feel that any dreams of a restored marriage are irretrievably shattered.

I decided that night, when he didn't respond to my text, to completely leave everything til my birthday, which gave me 3 months to rest, relax, enjoy life. What I have been hoping for is by the end of that 3 months that I will have a complete sense of peace to file for divorce if that's what I should do.

Did you file, or did he?

I did, in the end.

I knew in my heart the marriage was over. People here kept on saying that I should wait the two years, that the A wouldn’t last etc etc, but I knew, in my heart, that I was done. And I knew he wasn't coming back.

I don't say this is true for you, or anyone else posting on these boards, looking for hope that their WS will return - but I knew that mine would never come back - not necessarily because he is happier with the Omelette (I know that he won't be, long term) but because his pride wouldn't let him. Noddy has a very arrogant streak, a very high IQ, and is a very pampered and indulged first son. He is used to 'being right' and doing what he wants 'to be happy'. In short, he is entitlement personified.

He will never admit that his was 'just' an affair, like all the others. That it was 'just' a MLC, like all the others. That he has made a fool of himself with a younger woman, like so many other middle-aged fools before him.

So, he will never admit his mistake, and will never come back. Once I understood all this - and it took a while - I filed.

I think the three month thing is a good idea. There's no rush. If you don't feel ready after that, then that's fine too. The most important thing is to stay dark. It's much easier to make rational decisions about your future away from the affair chaos.

And thanks for the appreciation of the names I have given the infidels – I think they suit them perfectly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

wow, the way you described your X reminded me very much of WH. He too is entitlement personified. Grew up in the 'lime-light' as his father was a prominant minister in UK. Parents got what they wanted, when they wanted (very materialistic - no planning for the future in any way (the world was not going to last much longer, so there was no point) and so lived for the moment (always in debt, but always had money for a new leather lounge...snooker table....3 laptops...etc etc). Didn't seem to teach son the fine art of not being able to have everything you want when you want it and I attribute much of his inability to say 'no' to an affair to this. If he wanted something, he got it. Of course, for WH, this is not 'just' an affair either. But the saddest thing for me is that WH is ALWAYS right. If he can't get you to stop talking, he'll just talk right over the top of you. He was the type that would say the sky was pink if I said it was blue.

Now that I've had 12 months to sit back and look over our marriage, I realise just how bad it was and that is why, ontop of everything else, it is hard to have much desire to have it back.

I'll be keeping up with your story and wish you the best of luck for a bright, happy future for you and your children

((((((hugs))))))