I am new to MB. I have read the basic concepts and several Q&A's and Articles. I have been reading some of the posts and have decided to join the forum.

I recently caught my wife in an EA after 10 1/2 years of marriage. She admitted the relationship and naturally swears it was purely emotional. At the time she said she had feelings for him and made no effort to stop seeing him. I convinced her to go to IC and call it off with the OM. She works with him so there is still contact even if the EA is over (which I also am not certain of)
She seems more available lately, so I am hopeful that it is.

The problem is she refuses MC and is moving out. We haven't been in the house together since I caught her. We have a 2 year old son and have been rotating the house depending on who has custody. The other stays with friends on those nights.

She's not seeking divorce, but reconciliation is out of the question. She says she doesn't love me anymore and acts like we're old friends who just happen to have a 2 year old together.

She says she has never supported herself before and wants to be independent for the first time in her life. We were married at 21. She was living with her parents when we met.

This was all spurred by childhood trauma that resurfaced in the past year. Our marriage before was not perfect, but pretty darn solid. She spiraled out of control and I tried to stop it, but did a horrible job of meeting her ENs.

If I could get her to look at me again I'm sure we could work this out. I wasted 2 months winging it, but since discovering this site I have begun working on Plan A.

Today we worked out the details of our separation. We are going for legal separation instead of divorce. I used the techniques I've learned and feel like they worked pretty well. She left with a smile on her face, and I got her to look at me a few times the way she used to.

Her IC has been strictly for the personal trauma and not much for the marriage. It will be ending in the next month or so.

We have our problems to work on and she has hit me with the WW dialogue verbatim to what I have read. I am seeing the natural cycle of these events and am preparing myself to take advantage of the situations that are sure to occur. She is definitely in withdrawal from the marriage and it appears she is coming out of her withdrawal from the OM (unless she is playing me again)

I am feeling so much better since I discovered MB and now I feel like I have a fighting chance. I am just looking for support and a little guidance when future situations occur.

Thanks

She never ended it w/ OM. She is going to try to use the legal separation as an excuse to "try things out" with OM. You need to expose this A w/ OM to her family, friends, and workplace so it doesn't progress any further. It will if you let it continue down this path. She wants separation so she can continue seeing OM without interference. I would not give it to her. You need to get her or OM out of that job so that you can save your M, because without NC, you have no chance.

Hi Cajun,

I'm a bayou baby myself. Welcome to MB...sorry you're here.

I am new to MB. I have read the basic concepts and several Q&A's and Articles. I have been reading some of the posts and have decided to join the forum.

I'm going to go through your post because it is a festival of red flags! You need to act quickly my cajun friend....because this situation is about to postal.

I recently caught my wife in an EA after 10 1/2 years of marriage. She admitted the relationship and naturally swears it was purely emotional.

Which means nothing. Wayward spouses lie....they have to so that they can protect the affair.

At the time she said she had feelings for him and made no effort to stop seeing him.

Red flag number one.

I convinced her to go to IC and call it off with the OM. She works with him so there is still contact even if the EA is over (which I also am not certain of)
She seems more available lately, so I am hopeful that it is.

If she's still working with him....the affair is still working. And it's still sucking energy out of your marriage and damaging your relationship.

The problem is she refuses MC and is moving out.

Translation: I need privacy so I can pursue my affair with more secrecy.

We haven't been in the house together since I caught her. We have a 2 year old son and have been rotating the house depending on who has custody. The other stays with friends on those nights.

This is better than her getting an apartment....but how supportive of your marriage are her friends? her family?

She's not seeking divorce, but reconciliation is out of the question.

Translation: I want to see if the affair will work out, without losing my marriage. I want it all.

She says she doesn't love me anymore and acts like we're old friends who just happen to have a 2 year old together.

Straight from the wayward spouse script. They all say that. In fact they say it so often that we have an acronym for it: ILYBINILWY (I love you but I'm not in love with you). We call it "the fog" and it's typical. Don't believe it and try to not to react to it.

She says she has never supported herself before and wants to be independent for the first time in her life.

OKAY....huge red flag....and more script. Translation: I need to be independent so I can act single and date my affair partner without being caught or feeling so guilty.

We were married at 21. She was living with her parents when we met.

Yep....another line from the script: "I was too young!" Translation: I'm bored/neglected/weak and I'd like to try some new things.

This was all spurred by childhood trauma that resurfaced in the past year. Our marriage before was not perfect, but pretty darn solid. She spiraled out of control and I tried to stop it, but did a horrible job of meeting her ENs.

I'm not sure what you're talking about....but even if you did a horrible job of EN meeting...doesn't mean she's entitled to an affair. There are lots of ways to deal with marital crisis.....this is the most destructive way to do that.

If I could get her to look at me again I'm sure we could work this out. I wasted 2 months winging it, but since discovering this site I have begun working on Plan A.

Well, a big part of plan A is exposure. Find out the truth about what is really going on with this guy....because I can almost promise you that not only is there contact....but it's about to get worse.

Today we worked out the details of our separation. We are going for legal separation instead of divorce.

Bad idea....unless you want a separation and divorce!! Why are you helping her leave you? Why are you helping her to go to this other guy? Yikes!!

I used the techniques I've learned and feel like they worked pretty well. She left with a smile on her face, and I got her to look at me a few times the way she used to.

Sure....she left with a smile because she just got what she wanted!! Chere....you are NOT in Plan A....this is Plan D (for divorce). Call the Harleys!!! Quick! Today!! Stop all the legal stuff!!

Her IC has been strictly for the personal trauma and not much for the marriage. It will be ending in the next month or so.

IC's are notorious for ending marriages!!! Her IC will tell her to do whatever makes her feel better.....even if it's wrong!

We have our problems to work on and she has hit me with the WW dialogue verbatim to what I have read. I am seeing the natural cycle of these events and am preparing myself to take advantage of the situations that are sure to occur. She is definitely in withdrawal from the marriage and it appears she is coming out of her withdrawal from the OM (unless she is playing me again)

Wake up and smell the crawfish chere!! The guy is still in the picture!! You need to do some snooping....you're being duped.

I am feeling so much better since I discovered MB and now I feel like I have a fighting chance. I am just looking for support and a little guidance when future situations occur.

Is this guy married? The best help you can get right now....might be from his wife. (AND Dr. Harley of course). You're still winging it.....you need to really understand all the parts of Plan A.

I'm going to look for some of the good discussions on that plan to help you. In the meantime.....keep posting and make that call!

jmwc95 is 100% correct. My W tried that before we were married with someone, and it was basically to test the waters, then because it was a separation you don't have as much right to ask about it. (grrr.)

She tired it again with the first OM in my case, and i didn't let her so it turned into a PA.

What i am getting at is that you caught it early, Get her to stop contact with the OM, Expose, keylogger, spy, anything. If you separate and get back together you will be dealing with a PA also, which I think is even harder to recover from.

BC,

you still there??

I'm still here. I'm working so can't reply immediately. Kind of taking it all in. I do have an avenue for snooping and it looks like I'll have to use it.

Is the OM married?

Thanks for the response. I needed that. I have exposed the affair to friends and family. The family is in as bad a shape as she is, so they have no problem with what she is doing. The friends that do care she is avoiding. The ones that enabled this are the new friends at her new school. They lured her in to the partying, but have no idea of the affair. Believe me they'd like to know just for the gossip. The problem is she is a school teacher. If it gets out at school she could lose her job and she carries insurance on our son. I can't get it through my work. Losing her job would bankrupt both of us. I will definately do some more snooping to see if the A is ongoing. OM is not married, never has been at 41, no kids, is a professional at this, and doesn't care what this does to families. He has done it before. I don't know if WW knows and don't know if I'm the one to tell her. What do you think?

One thing that you will notice reading through these stories is that business will rarely ever do anything to discipline people having an affair. Exposure will only make it difficult or uncomfortable to continue with so many judging eyes looking down on them, so it is more likely that one or both will leave. Don't separate. You need to ride this out. It will get worse at first, but it will wind up better in the long run.

Here is something to think about. Are you more worried about your WW losing her job, or you losing your family. What are your priorities?

I'm interested in the house-trading agreement .... how binding is it?

What would happen if, on her next day to be in the house, you refuse to leave. Tell her you love her and you're a family and this is your family home, so you're not leaving. That you are going to work on saving this family, not continuing to tear it apart....

Then get started on a serious Plan A ....

I posted earlier, but it looks like it disappeared. So reposting what I pretty much wrote the first time.

I'd like to try AmIok's advice, but it is too late. She has an appt and is moving out this weekend.

Plan A sounds like it is more involved than the one article on the web site that mentions it. Where can I get some good info on Plan A and B.

OK I followed everyone's advise and yes she is still with him. I'm pretty sure she spent the night with him in Lake Charles last weekend so I get the feeling she finally committed adultry. I can't tolerate adultry. I am now forced to prove it. If I do the M is over. Please help me through this and I'm sorry if I'm wasting everyone's time.

I know the weekend's here are slow and I myself am taking my son to a mardi gras parade in my hometown. So I'll check up when I get back.

I am also going to notify the school of their relationship.

God have mercy on me if that is wrong.

Which is immoral - your WW committing adultery, or you telling people your WW is committing adultery?

You know the answer. You would be doing nothing wrong.

Immediately, as in "this instant," buy a copy of Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard F. Harley. That's where all discussion of Plans A and B originate.

I'm retired military. When people do self-destructive things, actions not in their own best interests, military folks call it "shooting (yourself) in the foot." If you don't intend to follow Dr. Harley's program all the way down the line and break up the adultery (you shouldn't doubt that it's still on-going), then I have to wonder why you’re going to bother doing any part of it. Put another way, picking a couple of things to do to get your marriage back from Dr. Harley’s program isn’t going to cut it.

Look, exposure can't be confined to any one set of people while the adultery is still happening. If you fear the consequences of exposure more than you want the adultery to end, so be it. However, don't expect anything good to happen in the recovery of your marriage.

Good luck, sir. I fear you’re going to need it.

I'm still here. Waiting for my son to wake up from his nap so we can leave.

I called the school and talked to the principal. She had already heard the rumors and was praying they weren't true.
I don't know what she's going to do, but I have heard termination is possible.

I will buy the book recommended. My feelings right now are drop the loser, but that is just the frustration of the situation. I gave her time to work on herself and instead she worked on him. I'm not suprised, but it still hurts.

Now I have to be prepared for the onslought when she gets it at school. I'm sure she's going to hate me for awhile so I'll be in a plan B situation whether I want to or not.

I know we'll be talking Sunday night when I drop off our son. Being cool will be difficult.

Wish me luck and any advise for my next step would be appreciated.

Thanks

BC, she's going to be absolutely livid when she hears you've exposed at work. Expect it. I suspect you'll get a variation of the oldie, but goodie that goes something like, "I WAS going to work on the marriage, but you screwed that up, buddy! Now all I want is to leave you behind," or something to that effect.

Be calm when she begins screeching. Understand all the while that she's an alien monster right now. (The alien beamed down from the mother ship the day your WW relaxed her moral values and integrity enough to allow the OM into her personal life.) Your response when her face turns scarlet and spittle flies from her lips is that you've taken this step ONLY to break up this obscene adultery. You're sorry she's had to experience some humiliation (she'll be absolutely convinced that was your only motivation), but it's a consequence of HER adultery, period.

Be firm, but compassionate, and DO NOT lose control. If you get angry, you may say something as stupid as the alien probably will. You must avoid that. She has no right to call you every name in the book, but she probably will. Respectfully ask her to not continue in that vein and don’t be afraid to call a quit to the conversation if she persists. Simply walking out of the room and refusing to stay around her while she vents is, in my mind, a great way to react. If she’s calling you on the phone after having received the news, hanging up is even easier…and very effective.

BC, hang in there. The ride is going to get a little rocky, the alien is going to make all kinds of threats, but they all threaten. Very, very little of what they threaten ever happens.

Hey, all you folks who have gone through this phase recently need to contribute your advice to BC here. Let him know about all the silly things the Wayward One will say.

BC,

It will be a sh!tstorm for about 1 week. You can read Jayban's thread to see what to expect. Don't let her get a rise out of you. She is going to try and hurt you. Expect that, and don't let her. You need to expose to anyone else that would be in a position to put pressure on the A. Get it all over with now. Just detach because you are expecting this to happen. After a week, she will slowly start to talk to you more. Just put your best foot forward every opportunity you get with her. Don't be deterred by her anger. Let the dust settle for a while before you make any decisions.

BC,

Do NOT attempt to get her to commit to recovery or working on the relationship right now. The bulk of Plan A is attempting to win the WS back by out-working the OM. Another part of it is exposing the A to anyone who can make it uncomfortable for them to continue.

The biggest mistake I see a BS (especially us guys) making is in trying to talk about the M and recovery and trying to "fix" it. Think of Plan A s a first date that lasts as long as you can manage to keep it up. If you had a lot of heavy relationship talk on your first date, she'd never have married you at all.

The second part is hard for us (BS) to do because we want the hurting to stop. We instinctively know that telling anyone else about it will hurt us in two ways. First, it will expose us to ridicule. We feel like we have failed in some way because our W is having an A. The second is because we know that all h377 is going to break loose when we try to stop the A.

We also are afraid to expose the A because we are afraid it will hurt our S. In reality, it will only make them angry. If she gets mad, it is a good thing. Not caring at all would be worse.

The tendency is to try to negotiate a settlement. The problem is that as long as the A is going on, there is no negotiation possible. The WS has NO logic in the way they are thinking. They can NOT see that what they are doing is wrong because they are NOT acting rationally. They are FEELING, not THINKING.

EXPOSE.

EXPOSE!

EXPOSE!!!

Then duck to avoid the pottery that will be headed your way, but don't let the venom that will be forthcoming stick to you. Write it off as the rantings of someone who is totally insane. The person you will be dealing with is NOT your wife, but an alien called Wayward Wife.

Have you read the first few posts under the Just Found Out forum. Be sure to read Longhorn's thread, WAT's quick start guide. I'll try to bump those and a couple others to get them onto the active list.

Buckle up! It's going to get bumpy for a while.

Mark

This is more of a comment rather than advice. Your story is exactly like mine. I found out about the A April 13th, 2006. It may have finally just ended the middle of January, but only because the OM could not commit between his wife or mine, really tough to take my wife back after knowing this, but I have to remember she is somewhat out of her mind right now. Like one of the posters said be ready for a rocky ride. A WW will try and remove all your dignity. They will try and tear you down completely as a man.

Good Luck your going to need it.

I'm back from the weekend. I felt horrible the whole time. She confronted me about exposing her, but never lost her cool. She blew off our son tonight (school work, appts not ready for son) flat out refused to take him and was still cool as a cucumber. Seems like she is getting some good advice from her side. I think she's trying to make me look pathetic and desperate. I've held my own, but this is not going to be easy.

I will continue to expose the affair every chance I get. I am going to continue with the plan as long as I can stand it.

I do have one confession to make. It may be natural, but when I think about it being over and the possibilities of finding someone new that will treat me better I start feeling better. Thinking about moving on makes the pain go away. She never was a very good wife. She has always been selfish and petty. She did do something similar in 1999, but when I busted her then she begged me not to leave. I would never say I regret the marriage or that I was unhappy throughout, because that would be an absolute lie. I accepted her faults and all. I loved her unconditionally and we had many great times and there was genuine true love through most of the marriage. The problem is I find myself starting to want it to be over. Finding this web site and support group is my last attempt to save our marriage. If it can be reconciled then I definitely want it to be, but if it can't then I have no problem moving on. What's killing me is that she wants to leave without even trying. I don't want to have any regrets, but she is playing some serious hardball.

My family and friends can't stand to see her do this to me so naturally they want me to bail. I'm starting to hear more and more stories about things she has done and said that make me love her less and less.

I guess what I am saying is that my love bank is on empty and I am starting to get tired of being made a fool.

Is this natural or does it sound real?

W came by with son to pick up clothes and toys for her appt. She actually stayed a good while. Conversation was pleasant and she wants to have a BDay party at the house in two weeks for son. Also is coming home Saturday for neighbors BDay party and is supposed to come to the neighborhood party at the towns Mardi gras parade after. This is the neighborhood that she hates along with the H she hates. I asked her if I could see my son Thursday and she said she would stop by for a little while.

Now she did make one angry remark when she left about me notifying her school of the A. She wants it to be clear that she hates me even though she will be coming around allot the next few weeks.

Don't know what to make of it, but it seemed like a little bit of progress.

I'm coming down a little bit from the absolute horror of the weekend. Allot of bad stuff happening in short period of time really messed me up.

I'm back in a better frame of mind. I noticed tonight that I'm happy when she is home even if she hates me.

I'm waiting for the SAA book to come in this week and I'm thinking I need to give Plan A a try for a while. I could use some advice for setting the boundaries. Are there some boundaries I should absolutely live by? What are some that are the most helpful? Advice is welcomed

Thanks

Sounds like you are doing very well. You got through the exposure part, and that is usually very hard.

Your feeling that you might be better off without her is normal too. But we always suggest that you try your best so that when you look back in 5 years, you won't have anything to regret.

Some examples of boundaries are no communicating with the OM in the marital home. If she crosses that boundary, turn off her cell phone, block the OM's number from your land line, or get a software program to block access to certain websites. Don't babysit the kids so she can hand out with OM. If she wants to go out, it cannot be with OM. Otherwise, you don't watch the kids anymore. Make plans yourself and stick her with the kids. Don't pay for everything and take care of everything. She needs to pull her own weight.

Other advice I would give you is to call up SH for a plan. If you cannot afford the $185 for a phone session, call up Dr. Harley's radio show at 11am CST. He'll talk to you up to 30 minutes and it's free. Get a plan, and stick to it.

Hey Cajun,

You said that if it can be reconciled then you would be glad to have her back. Sounds like you have an interest in doing so, so...do it!

I've read this thread all the way through, and yes, as they mentioned to you about mine: You will hear pure hate-talk when you expose. I followed the program here to the T, I exposed in a chain THEN confronted. Everything happened as predicted, it sucks (still). I suspect it will for a bit longer. (The whole situation will suck for a long time, the after-exposure vitriol will only present new types of "this sucks" for a bit)

I have never SO INTENTLY studied a subject as much as I have studied marriage, infidelity, and marriage recovery in all of my life. I've read multiple forums, sites, and books in the short time this absolute tragedy has occurred to me.

I can tell you this: Your WW is acting just like...a WW. She is not herself right now. You are not yourself right now either. Time to be him again, and more. It's time to bust out the new model of the 2007 Cajun Deluxe. Plan A at it's finest is more about you than anything else.

Here's reality in my world: NO PERSON in a marriage/long term relationship ever needs space/time/separation (short of very few variables) unless there is someone else in the picture. Or the possibility of one. This is now fact to you, let's move on to the HIGH probability that your WW has now had sex with this OM. Errr, let's put that as fact instead of high probability.

My favorite saying here is: What is her strength? Look at what her actions are, what she says to you. Where is she drawing her strength from? Make her strengths your own.

You don't NEED her, she is a preference.

You will make it, she sure as ****** acts like she will. So will you.

You will be happy, even while this going on, you will laugh. She is.

You will survive this. Fear is the enemy. She has no fear (at the moment, in this Affair land that will undoubtedly change). So, why do you have fear?

Say to yourself the following:

I will make it. I am a better man than him. I love my wife. I have no fear. This is not the end of anything, it's the beginning of something new no matter where the road takes me.

Strength, confidence = Power.

God bless, I'll be watching, praying and hoping for you. You can save your marriage, I believe it.

beautiful Jaybean... just beautiful.

Still

Thanks for the word Jaybean and everybody else too. I have been doing exactly what Jaybean stated and it may already be making a difference. I talked to her sister and although she could be lying to her too I was told that they are still talking, but not about the future. I have gotten feedback from other friends as well that are telling me the pressure is getting to her and I think the exposure at work really gave her a realty check. She with out a doubt hates me right now ( left me a very nasty voice mail about taking my name off of the cell phone so I can't snoop. Sent an email saying I wouldn't do it and gave her a run down of what I was doing, what I wanted, what my boundaries were, and how I felt. can't wait to see how she reacts to it.) I also noticed its him doing most of the calling now and not her.

Could mean something / could mean nothing

I also stated in the email that I was working on myself and what part I had in the love loss. I told her I wasn't trying to be the man she wants, but a better man than I was and the man that I want to be and I hoped she would fall in love with that man.

I've lost 30 lbs and have been weight lifting for the past 2 months. I bought new clothes, started wearing cologne, grew out the sideburns a little bit, and now that she is gone I'm going to give the house one he77 of a cleaning.

I feel like I am gaining the advantage in the confidence arena. I survived her moving out this weekend and I am feeling very strong right now.

I hope it keeps up because I'm starting to put together a pretty serious Plan A.

Thanks for everything. SAA book should arrive in next few days.

Hi, Cajun...I've been following first out of pure curious for your name...LOL...being from South LA myself...

I was tickled at what Saban's comment was about [censored]$$...LMAO...

ANyway, I haven't said anything because you are getting excellent advise...

anyway, I'm tagging along...thinking and praying for you...

Take care...I'm here for you...

((((Cajun))))

Didn't catch Saban's comment. Not keeping up with the news much these days.

But, Saban's a dirty word and I can't believe the censors didn't catch it. They need to pay better attention. LOL

Thanks for the kind words. Today absolutely stinks, but we're having a big neighborhood party at the Youngsville parade Saturday so at least I have something to look foward to.

Talk to yall later

Lache Pas La Patat (Don't drop the potato)
(Old Cajun saying that means don't give up)

LOL...I'm right don't the road from you...Houma...I've got a few friends and relatives in the surrounding area and a good customer on young st. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm wishing you the best with your sitch...

As far as LSU...I bleed purple and gold...I've the LSU news sent to my cell...Horrible huh? LMAO

I don't watch the news often...too negative...just the weather from time to time...

Oh, you guys have AN AWESOME july 4th fireworks display, I think or was it NEw year's? I think it was NEW Year's...

Right there off the road...amazing...the kids so enjoyed it...

Hu, that's a new saying to me! LOL...I tell the kids to hurry up, come see, sit down, let's go, and a few other things in french...what little I know I try to past on...my youngest, L, is good at repeating it back...LMAO...and knows not to repeat the bad words I say...LMAO

(((((((Cajun)))))

I'm sorry that today sucks for you...you are loved! I hope that something special happens to you today! Take care of yourself, the best that you can! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Actually, I'm from Houma too and I am 31 so we probably know each other or have friends in common. Don't know if we should go there. The curiosity will probably kill you though.

All I will say for now is that I grew up in the Coteau - Bayou Blue area and went to public school.

Nice to know somebody from the neighborhood. Take care

OMG, I grew up on Coteau and we can leave it at that...I think it's best for the time being...

I graduate from HL...that's all I'm going to say...

Perhaps in the future, when things are going better for you...I'm in a good place with my M, H, and Kids...but feel free to shout at me anything...I will do the best that I can...and if I can't, I know that you will be taken care of here...

One thing regardless of the outcome...YOU will BE OKAY! I look forward to chatting with you in the future... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Worlds to small sometimes. I definately went to Coteau with you, but went to Tbonne after. So I know what side of coteau you're from. I can't figure out who you are and I won't dig so we'll leave it alone. Thanks for your encouragement and it would be cool to find out who you are later on when things are better.

Take care and never stop living for your H and Kids.

I look forward to it...

How's you're day? How are you feeling? Any better?

I'm doing alright. I have my son tonight and we always eat at Sicily's on Wed afternoons. I'm getting ready to leave to get him from day care. I know he's ready to come home b/c he hates mommy's appt. I'd be lying if I didn't say there's some satisfaction in that. It's forcing her to own her choices, although I hate the pain it is putting our son through. That's one of the biggest problems with me dealing with this. It is common in A's the WS ignoring the children or not wanting to be with them because they aren't part of the fantasy. That hurts as much as the rejection. She never checks up on him or tries to see him when I have him. I can't go more than 2 days without seeing him and she often goes 4 or 5 without even a phone call.

Enough venting. Too toxic.

I'm going to see my boy.

Talk to you later

Sadly, yes, it is all to common...

I can go for several days when my boys are gone and sometimes they are gone for a few months...but that's to their grandma's (Winnfield)...but I know that they are taken care of and if there was a problem..she would call...I know that'sdifferent from the WS...it's not because they know their children are being taken care of...

It'splain selfishness...

I know that you will enjoy your time with him...how old is he? I think I may have missed that...

Enjoy the buffet...

He'll be 3 in a couple weeks. I filled out a bio, but it doesn't post. How do you do that?

We had our usual Wed night. Had fun at Sicily's and then to Albertson's for some groceries. I bought him a spider man valentines day balloon. He's sleeping with it right now.

Later

How cute!

You have to put the important stuff in your sig line...bio doesn't appear for whatever reason...

Glad you had a great time...what an age? Too cute!

L's four and he cuts up so much...I never know what to expect out of his mouth...that's going to get him in trouble ALOT!

Testing My Sig Line

Good Job!

Ouch, D-day that is! I'm so sorry that things played out for you that way!

thinking of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, I need support and advice.

Too much has happened in the last week and it's getting the best of me. I'm on the verge of tears. I exposed her Fri. so she is in the I hate your ever loving guts right now mode. She moved out over the weekend. Now, looking at her cell phone minutes it would appear that she met with him last night. She talks with him nightly for hours. Last night she made one 3 minute phone call at 7:15 and nothing for the rest of the evening. It was valentines day and her emotions over the previous weeks events make her a prime cadidate for his advances. I'm now having to deal with the EA turning into PA.

Do I even bother confronting her about last night? Is it worth it?

The SAA book needs to show up quick. I still don't know if I can tolerate a PA. Even with a strong Plan A I am feeling like a chump for sticking around why she does this.

I'm staying strong, but the pain is as bad now as its ever been.

I do have a lot of good stuff planned for the next few weeks. I pray to God it sooths the pain.

Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

1) Expose to OM's family. Find out who they are and expose to them.

2) Turn off her cell phone. Don't let her talk to OM nightly.

3) Cut her off or restrict her financially.

4) Snoop or get a PI to get proof of a PA.

The longer the A goes on the harder it will be to stop. Have you talked to OM? Tell him you KNOW what it going on between him and your WW and he needs to stop. He might give up some info.

I agree with JIm...turn off the cell...put it on hold...it's like enabling her if you are paying for the bill...

Exposeure helps break up the A...talking to OM, that's good too...

You've heard the hold WS gets mad, says all kinds of things...

She'll get over it...my H did along with the rest the WS here...

YOU'll BE just fine...Concentrate on your Plan A for YOU...Self-care...take care of that beautiful little boy...

There IS a payoff...hard to see now but it's there!

(((((((Cajun)))))))

All right. Here's the deal.

I called him. He talked to me.
He claims since she reconnected with him a few weeks ago he's only been there as a friend. He said if this was causing us problems he would back off. I told him I wanted no contact. I told him she would be even more furious with me once she found out I called him. I told him she would probably continue to call him at first and I asked him not to answer. I asked him to man up and give her a chance to get her head straight. He said he would do it and he wasn't trying to break up the marriage. The last thing I said to him was are we cool. He said yes we're cool.

Take it for what it was.

If he was genuine I can feel better and sleep better. If I find out he was BSing me I'm gonna have to bring the pain. I'll run an ad in the paper if I have to.

Now he may be genuine, but I'm not convinced that my W doesn't have feelings for him. That's why I asked him for no contact. Hopefully in the next few months W will calm down and start talking to me again. The exposure has been excruciatingly painful. Even though it may be the right thing to do it makes me feel like a dirt bag. I wish I would have called him along time ago.

God I hope this is the end of him. If it is I can take all the time in the world to let my W get her head straight and hopefully consider trying for reconciliation. I can continue to work on Plan A and get my self together.

Update: W called while I was typing this message. I got the I hate you I want a divorce speach for calling him. I pretty much new that was coming. I told her she would have to file. She reiterated that she hates me, has no fealings for me, I went to far, she will never love me again under any circumstances. I told her I understood, but I wasn't filing. Then she said I had one month to do whatever it was I was doing to get her back. I told her I wasn't trying to get her back in a month. There wasn't anything for me to do. I told her I was doing nothing more than trying to improve myself and hopefully she would fall back in love with me over time. I told her she should do what she thought was right and I was going to do what I thought was right. She kept telling me to leave her alone. I told her I have been leaving her alone. That she needed time to get over the anger and hopefully she could start looking at me again. She finally gave up and said she had to go. Oh, and yes she still has feelings for OM.

So that's it. Relief and more pain in a matter of minutes. The next few weeks will be very interesting.

Comments are encouraged.

Good Morning!

As you already know this is standard stuff from your WW. And as for OM, I heard similiar stuff from OW...She wouldn't call, blah, blah, blah...I hope that it works out better for you that it did me...

Of course, the difference here is that OW wouldn't admit to anything, Called WH a lair and didn't know why he would say that they had an A, blah, blah, blah...

OW even said I could talk to her son if I wanted too...

So, basically, I just wanted to let you know that this may not be over but you are still headed in the right direction.

Your WW WILL get over this...and you will be able to move forward...

It may help to picture a glass wall b/t the two of you anytime that you talk to her...detachment...Loving detachment...do not take anything that she says personally right now...

Remember this A is not about you, it's about her.

You're well on your way...keep your head up...you've done some great stuff here!

The valleys are always deeper when we are in them but when we get to the other side and look back, they don't appear as deep as we thought they were. Have Faith!

Today is a little better. I feel better about OM situation, but now feeling the pain of W hating my guts. The other part of the pain is the fact that I miss her so much. We used to have so much fun and were so much in love. I'm talking about less than a year ago. We took a family vacation to Galveston last summer and had an absolute blast. We were so close on that trip. I pray we can be that way again.

Thanks for everybody's support.

((((BC))))

Your W doesn't hate you...I think that you still have in your mind that your W and your WW is one in the same person...

The WS will play out all these scenes in their head to make the BS the horrible person who has wronged them to justify their behavior...to make it right in their eyes...

They DO NOT live in reality...I was called a b1tch, told I set him up to look like a fool in front of all our friends, and countless other things...at the time, I really thought "He doesn't know me at all if he thinks that I could be SO callous." Now, I know different...

I didn't think that I would get the love that I deserved from him and was so scared. LOL...the standard BS stuff...

H and I haven't been in our turn around long and the thing I couldn't see at the time was I was pushing to much...

I'm not saying that you are, just talking about my sitch...so, if you're told to stand still and wait for her to caught up...please do...it will save you alot of heartache...

Time will heal, you will grow, and things WILL get better...

Cajun,

I'm sorry friend, but you aren't getting the whole picture here, otherwise you wouldn't even bother to post this comment.

Of course she still has feelings for him, and they are more than likely in a physical affair now that she moved out of the house. This is the reason WS's leave the home!! To pursue the affair.

You are taking what the OM and your WW say as though it held water, as if it were worth anything, but it's not. They will lie to you over and over again as long as you will take it. In my case, the OM was a college professor with a phd and he was 45 years old, but he lied to my face and would deny that the sky was blue if he thought it helped his chances with my wife.

Quit listening to them, listen to us and to your instincts. Spouses don't leave home suddenly because they need space, or time to think. If I need space, I go see a movie, I don't rent an apartment for God's sake. There is only 1 reason for all this bullsh$t in your marriage, and that is the affair. Not the possibility of an affair, not the suspect 'friendship' with another man, not your wifes sudden need to be 'independent'.... its all about the affair man.

Kill the affair and all the other problems go away.

SD-nice to see you around...thanks for chiming in...I hope that things are well for you!

Cajun- It will be hard, I'm not going to lie to you, but this is war and you have to put up the best fight that you can! We would not tell you these things to harm you, your M, or your child...

Gather your strenght, center yourself, and get the ball rolling...fight for your M...I had to use me anger to help me do what I needed to do to keep my family together...

YOU can DO THIS! I have faith in you!

I don't know. I got a call from her sister this afternoon. WW was having a break down. She just couldn't get it together. She took off for her sisters in Texas for the weekend and Mardi Gras holiday. She won't be back until next Wed. I think the pressure is ripping her to shreads.

Everybody pray for the best.

Where's your son? Are you sure that she's going to TX?

To be honest IMO, the quicker they hit bottom the better...and we all have a different bottom...this may turn out better for you sooner rather than later...

Is her S a friend of the M? Does she know everything that is going on?

S is in Texas. She does not know the man. S worships the ground I walk on. I really don't think she would assist my WW in playing me. Their brother is also stateside (Army) right now and they have not seen him in a few years. He is in S's town. Also, this was her weekend with son and S knew that because she is the one who called and asked me to take son so WW could go home. I really think I shook her up last night. The reason S called is because WW is convinced that if she had asked I would have screamed at her. I've screamed at my wife 3 times in eleven years, and 2 of them were for marital indiscretions (similar thing happened in 99 - she begged me not to leave her last time - there wasn't any me trying to get her back - I was working on the road and she turned to chat rooms out of lonliness) the other was a come to jesus meeting I had with her back in May06 when I first noticed her running from the family (no OM yet)That one I'll regret for the rest of my life. I couldn't think of anything else to try so I brought the tough love. It straightened her out for the summer, but as soon as school started she was gone again. That's when I gave up. That's when she crashed and OM picked her up.

I know it is the Fog, but WW is convinced that I hate her, want a divorce, want her to fail in life, and want to hurt her. Everything I say and do she turns around as me hating her and wanting to hurt her. This is dispite me avoiding LB's and speaking to her calmly and with respect. She's running out of excuses for not loving me. Last night she actually told me our marriage was a mistake because when we got married I didn't even know that she liked to read books.
She even thinks having our son was a mistake. I'm worried that she is completely losing it.

I know this isn't the woman who was madly in love with me the previous 10 years.

I'm scared for her well being right now. I can't stand to see her hurting like this, but I just can't get through to her. Her S told me she was going to try. I know everyone is pretty disgusted with my WW right now, but I'm worried about the loving and caring wife that is being smothered inside of her.

Gotta get the emotions out
sorry for the rant

Man if that was a rant...it sure didn't sound like one...you're welcome to do it anytime! LOL

I'm glad to see that your son is with you this weekend...he really needs a stable environment right now and sounds like you are all he has in that dept.

Good to know that her S is on your side...did you explain that WW needs to have NC with OM for life to the S? That you want to put things back together, etc...

Well, I hope that you enjoy yourself with your son tonight...neighborhood party and all...try to relax and I hope that if someone asks about your sitch you're O&H with them...the support that you can gain is unbelievible...of course, not everyone will understand the concepts here but any support helps...

Try to relax this weekend, have some fun...you know that WW is in a safe place...

Wishing you well...

I told S I was trying to get OM out of the way through exposure. I explained my reasons for exposure and she said she understood. I never got to the details of NC and the withdrawl period. I wanted to talk to her about that before my WW got there, but S phone was acting up and I couldn't reach her. I got ahold of her this morning, but she was still in bed sleeping and I wasn't trying to have a lengthy conversation with her at that time.

Neighborhood party and parade were awsome. Youngsville parade always rocks. I felt great today. I need more distractions like that. Fortunately I have my son's party next weekend and then I'm off to Galveston for a convention. That should distract me and help pass the time. Hopefully when I'm through with all that WW will be calming down and communication can resume.

How long did it take your H to get over anger of OW confrontation?

I called OW a little over a month ago...LOL...so he's probably still mad...Oh, well...all's fair in love and war...

Actually, I really don't think that he's over it...I was just using my open invitation from her to call and let her know about my life...

I told H i was calling her...he was so mad he said that I didn't tell him that...I did...

So, he was made when OW showed up to his b-day party last April, he was mad all the times that I called her before that, and after than...H was mad that I exposed to all his friends that I knew respected him, his family, my family...

I know know if he's over it...but he moved on...I've been in this since last April and we are just now starting to get right...

I really can't say an amount of time really...there was so many things that he got mad over...it kind of runs together...

Sorry, I can't be more specific!

I gotcha.

This weekend went by pretty good. Good spirits all weekend. I did send an email to MIL, SIL, and BIL today explaining what I was doing and why I was doing it. I know she will be telling them all this week how I am trying to destroy her. I also sent them a few articles from another web site with a similar ideology to this one. In fact their advice is almost verbatim to this site. It is Penny Vaughn's site. She thinks a lot like Dr Harley. One article gave an overview of the hole infidelity process of intervention. The other I found on another web site and gives a brief explanation of The Fog. I told them I didn't want to give away the forum that I am using. I don't know how they are going to take it. If I had to guess I would say MIL will probably be upset with me for insinuating that her daughter has a problem. SIL will probably look at it open minded and may provide positive feedback. BIL will probably not care either way. He'll probably say "What ever you wanna do dude. Good luck."

I don't see BIL making much of an effort, but if MIL and SIL take the time to read my email and entertain the articles and web site then they may try to help WW.

I really just wanted to inform them of what I was doing since nobody has ever heard of this approach. The uninformed follow the she doesn't love you anymore, she cheated on you, it's over and you need to move on way of thinking. That pretty much describes everybody I know.

My WW even told me that her IC had never heard of what I was doing. I wonder if he would let me give him Dr Harley's name. He might actually save a marriage one day.

Talk to yall later

Well, I think that you are doing a good job...so keep up the good work...

I kinda like the idea about the IC but something's getting me and I'm not sure what it is...I mean I want to ask if the IC does MC or have you thought about seeing her IC also...I think someone else may have some advice in that area...

I'm so glad that you had a great weekend...then there's today and tomorrow with your son...how exciting...lundi gras and mardi gras...they are so great at that age with the floats and stuff...

L was so excited when he caught a foam rocket or stuffed animal...football...amazing little creatures...

I think that as long as you focus your energy of you and that wonderful little boy that you will be fine...

Oh, when did your WW start seeing an IC? DID I miss something? Does she have other problems?

You sounded a lot stronger today... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, WW has other problems. That is what started all of this. A lot of trauma in her childhood. Part of that trauma resurfaced last year and really messed her head up. I tried to keep her from losing it, but in all the wrong ways. She started pulling away from the family and I tried to make her come home by using scorn and guilt. That made things worse. I then had a come to Jesus meeting with her and that worked for a little while. Then she spent part of the summer in NH with her childhood trauma aka sperm doner and it messed her up again. After she got back I could tell she wasn't right and once school started she began to pull away from the family again. She had a breakdown one afternoon and I asked her if it was us. She said she couldn't handle her students and did admit it had something to do with sperm doner. I suggested counseling at the time and even got a recommendation and card. She started acting better though and I never made an appointment. Then she started acting like things were great ( OM had surfaced and she was trying to throw me off ) but was still pulling away and started partying with her new staff at school. Her old primary school shut down and they moved 6th grade to the Jr High where they have coaches(OM) Of course this is all happening during hunting season and my brother is dragging me to the camp every other weekend. This was one giant recipe for disaster and that is what happened. I saw the signs, but I trusted my wife and was experiencing some pretty heavy denial. I couldn't figure out why she was treating me so good, SF included, but yet never wanted to come home.

So, after she was busted and I decided I wanted to reconcile she flat out refused. I was able to convince her to go to IC who is a MC and seek help for her other problems. Not only did she need it, but I was hoping if he could get her to feel better she would fall back in love with me. I went to him once myself just to make sure I had my head on straight. I noticed immediatley that all he does is get you to talk and pretty much agree with what you want to do. He told me that it was good to stay in the house together while we work on this. He told her it was good to be seperated while we work on this. IC isn't doing us any favors. Unless he is working as a MC he will only go along with the path you are taking. He is not trying to save a marriage as an IC.

So that is how a solid marriage with two people madly in love with each other goes to [email]cr@p[/email] in one year.

But I'm feeling much better now

Can anybody tell me where that last line came from?
I'll give you a hint: Night Court

Later

Oh, Cajun...I'm s sorry that you are having such a hard year...I can relate alot to your WW and her issues...

My abuse started in the fourth grade to my knowledge, 5th grade I was living with my grandparents and going to counseling...sixth grade I was living with my mom and my Sd was removed from the house...still going to counseling that year...

That was three really rough years for me...I've dealt with mt personal issues off and on for years...anxiety attacks, self esteem issues...the whole nine...

I really learned alot about myself this past year...and why I have done some of the things that I have done...

For instance, I got my opportunity to turn my EA into a PA one weekend when my H went hunting...I didn't plan it, but the opportunity was there and my stupid [email]a@@[/email] made a huge mistake...

In the years that followed, my H started hunting less and less, not as a result of my A, but b/c he came to the conclusion that he was missing out on a lot of other things in life b/c of the time that he spent hunting...

That time not includes camping trips, motorcycle trips with me and the boys...he's making more time for us...I knew how much he enjoyed hunting and wouldn't stop him from doing that...I even hunted with him for some time...

OH, my H and OS just showed up...I'll finsih later!

So you definately get it. I wish you could talk to my WW. In her case though, the sperm doner simply abandoned the family. Momma's first shack up provided the abuse. Actually if it was SD that provided your abuse then maybe you went throught the exact same thing my WW did. I don't want my son to have that kind of upbringing. That's part of the reason I'm fighting so hard.

OKay, H and OS just stopped by to say Hi...they're headed to the house...H is getting sleepy and has to work tonight...OS was complaining he was hungry...Sir EAT A LOT himself...

Hate to see how much he eats when he gets to be a teen...and skinny as a rail! LOL...I wish!

So, anyway, I applaude you for hanging in there with her...I know this must be just as difficult for you...wanting to help but not knowing how...

I have my A because I felt bad about myself...I still had baby weight...this guy gave me the attention that my H didn't...like you he was gone every weekend...I felt special with him...he was my H's friend and when he came around he gave his time and attention to me and the kids...he would play with the kids and this was things I wished my H would do...

I grew up with the understanding that love was earned, not given...having SF made me feel loved...let's just say I was looking for love in all the wrong place when it was staring me in the face the entire time...I just didn't know it.

I didn't have the right tools...I learned the hard way...alot of tools I've picked up this past year dealing with H's A.

Well, I was just sharing with you...you will BE appreciated for sticking with her one day!

Godspeed!

Life's hard ain't it. Sometimes you wonder what's the point. Then your 2 year old says daddy I have to PeePee. You put him on the potty and he pees. Then you jump up and down like you just won the lottery and give him candy 5 seconds before you put him to bed. CRAZY!

Just BSing for a bump. I hate being on page 2.

Also, the mail hasn't passed since Friday because of the parade and I'm still waiting for SAA. It won't pass till Wed for sure. Stupid Mardi Gras.

I didn't mean that.

LOL...well, I could have sent you my copy faster but WH burned it...it was a threat to him! Burned a few more of my books at the same time...

I'm still holding the evidence...LOL...like Frog has in his sig line...basically lifegives you lemons....it's up to you to make lemonade!

For all that life has handed me, I am grateful...grateful for the opportunity to use it to my advantage...to grow...to outcome...I am grateful for his A...I wasn't at first and still have my days...I had a moment today MOF...I feel that had he not done what he did my eyes would still be closed to my part...

LOL...make that two moments...I had a meltdown with the kids and the house about twenty minutes ago...they are good kids...they put up with me everyday...not I went old school and started complaining how I don't get any help around the house and H sits on his butt after he gets home...

I apologized, joked with F about knowing how to fold clothes...told him he may want to keep that to himself or he'll start folding them for me...

It's just tough trying to keep it together...H working nights...me working days...displincing the kids, washing, cooking, parading so the boys don't miss out, etc...sometimes I feel like I don't get any help and to top it off I haven't been feeling well...still on meds for this bronchitis...yuck...

Just have to keep in mind there's a payoff...I would much rather stay home tomorrow...it's going to be a long day...MOF, I napped for about an hour before going to the parade tonight...and I still need to call H and discuss something that happen today with him that bothered me...something he did...jus hoping I can get the words right...clear...goal to be understood...

Well, i wish you good night...farewell...and sweet dreams! Oh, be safe tomorrow!

SAA showed up late this afternoon. Mail actually passed today with nothing. Then about 5pm I noticed a mail truck in front of the house turning around. Checked the mail box just in case and there it was. THANK GOD!!

I'm 80 pages into it and it is living up to my expectations so far. Lots of good info and explanation. I'm going to finish this book as fast as I can and then probably continue to reread it for awhile. Don't want to miss any vital info.

This is pretty much how I acted when Band of Brothers came out.

WW returned from Texas today. She called and said she wanted to talk. I came home and she layed it on me. I am no longer to make contact with anybody in her life. She hates me more than anybody on the planet. She wants a divorce and she's going to file. I am psychotic and crazy ( though she left without her son again )She is madly in love with OM and he is to (according to her) He is going to make her happy. Son is going to be just fine ( although she left withou him after not seeing him for 5 days ) She kept asking why I wouldn't just let her go. All I would reply is because I am your husband and I love you and I think we have a chance to be happy together. She became irate and started throwing things and screaming I hate you. She gave me the You're ruining my life and it is your fault that my head is messed up. Also gave me the I'll never love you again as long as I live. She thinks OM was fate and it's my fault for bringing her to Louisiana to find him. I remained calm throughout all of this and calmly stated my reasons and feelings about the situation. So yeah, she has gone off the deep end. She is also threatning suicide and that is my fault to.

She finally left and called 20 min later to apologize for the outburst. Then she started crying and asking me if I cared about her I should let her go. I told her I was doing what I was doing because I cared about her. I told her about her psychological addiction to OM and that if she would have NC with him she would start to feel better in about 3 weeks. She said she would be dead in 3 weeks. I told her to please call me or anybody if she truly felt that suicide was an option. I told her I was trying to make the pain go away as quickly as poosible. Of course she replied that I was causing the pain by not letting her go.

I feel like I need to tell somebody about the suicide threat even if it was just an attempt to get me to back off and let her do what she wanted to do. She has other problems from childhood so there is a definate threat of suicide. I am going to try and make contact with her sister and her friends that I can trust. Somebody needs to keep an eye on her. I sure wish she would submit to depression or anxiety meds.

I do feel like nobody is going to help me with this. I get the feeling her family isn't going to speak to me. I hope I can get one of her friends to do something. I am not prepared to take my son to his mother's funeral. I am now definately going to schedule a session with Dr Harley.

Please provide some feedback in the mean time.

I'm hanging in there.

Hi cajun, I'm having a pretty bad night tonight...I would think that the pros would tell you that this is standard WS stuff...the statements about ruining her life and it being your fault...

I do think that you are right in telling someone about her thoughts on suidice...

i would recommend that you go back to your first post and change your title by editting it so that you can give some more advice...

I'm sorry that I can not be of more help at this moment...

That is standard WS talk after being exposed. However, I would treat her suicide talk very seriously. I would talk to the counselor, and her family. Better to be safe than sorry.

BC,

Typical WS stuff. She is extremely conflicted and is taking it out on you. Do you remember Jayban's story. His WW swore that exposure ruined any chance he had, how he was wrong for doing it, how she hated him, etc. Well, 17 days later, his WW was talking about NC with the OM and transferring to a different department where she wouldn't see OM everyday. Exposure was ruinous to her A, she could no longer feed her addiction, and she was furious, so she spewed every nasty thing she could his way. Give exposure a few weeks to work it's magic. Three weeks after exposure it will barely be a topic anymore. Just keep doing what you are doing with plan A and putting pressure on the A. She's trying to get you to stop pressuring the A.

Thanks to everyone for the advice. I am hanging in there, but was naturally shook up after the evenings events. I did call one of her best friends and told her about the events and the suicide talk. She encouraged me to call her IC immediately. I did and now she has an appt tomorrow morning. Of course WW called and gave me an additional earfull. She said I was never to call her IC again. I told her if I was concerned for her safety I would do what I had to. Then she said she couldn't talk about it anymore and hung up.

I sure wish we could get past some of this so I can show her the good side of Plan A. The last 2 weeks have been nothing but exposure followed by her outburts. Although part of the reason she thinks I'm crazy is because of how I have been handling the outbursts. She definately notices that change in me.

Thanks for all the help

Hang in there. This phase won't last long. They always get over the anger quickly. It is amazing.

OK, I have an appt with SH monday morning.

Hurting pretty good today after yesterday's events, but getting along OK. I'm together and calm.

I was hoping to get my appt in before the weekend. We are supposed to have a Bday party at home Sunday. Any advice on how to handle WW until the session. I'm thinking I should just leave her alone other than the party and planning the weekend with her. I'm afraid I'm not far away from Plan B and I havn't had one oppertunity to spend any time with her when she hasn't been irrate from exposure. I'd hate to resort to Plan B without having demonstrated a strong Plan A first.

Any advice?

BC,

Why do you feel like going to plan B right now or soon?

Back off with your wife. She has a lot to deal with in her mind. You reminded her that she is M and and....come closer so I can whisper it....still loves you deep down inside where no one else can see.

Boy will she hate you for this, but not for too long.

Maybe you two should get togther before the Bday party so things can be said before party time. You don't want to make the party too weird.

I don't want to go to plan B. I just didn't know if that needed to be done yet. I was wanting to Plan A for a while. I'm hoping the pressure will kill the A soon. I really get the feeling that her feelings for him are a bit one sided. I don't think OM is wanting all of this. He is 41, single, no kids, and about to get a mentally unhealthy woman with a ton of baggage and a 3 year old. I'm pretty sure he was just wanting to have some fun and got caught up in a horrible mess. He has done this before. What happend to the other married woman? Any guesses. He probably already knows where this is heading. Hopefully a plus for me.

Thanks for the advice.

I agree, you need to stay in Plan A for now.

Have you talked to OM? Any added pressure also helps make the A a burden.

Why not ask your wife to come over Sat to help setup for the party? Give you two a change to air our things. A Bday party is no place for arguing and I'm worried that it would come to that.

This will sound backwards I know. Your wife is hurting and you have to help her out here. How? Bust up the A and bettering yourself at the same time. The more you can make the A look bad and not so appealing at the same time you make yourself look appealing, well there you go then. You will reach your goal.

Lots of hard work to reach that goal, but it has been done and you can do it also.

To my favorite Cajun,

Here's some thoughts I found comforting when I was EXACTLY where you are:

I heard the same DAMN things just a few weeks ago. I discovered my wife on Feb 2nd, exposed Feb 3rd, confronted Feb 3rd, and went through ****** for nearly 2 1/2 weeks. It feels like it is IMPOSSIBLE to do any Plan A while this absolute FOGTALK is spewing out like green pea soup from your possessed wife.

I agree with the "you reminded your wife that she is married and that deep down inside she still loves you". Both are true.

My wife spoke of how much easier it would be to just be dead than deal with this stuff. She hated exposure, she hats MB. (Thus, my post has been deleted - she read it and printed it out. I'm not ashamed of it, I just got tired of jabs at how emotionally devastated I WAS.)

Now is the time for patience. Be calm and cool - I laid off the R or M talk until she cooled down a bit. I left for a vacation a week after confronting and by the first weekend, she was calling me. It was Plan A meets Plan B in a way, I got out of sight and out of mind FROM her during this.

My advice: Don't be needy or clingy. Detach yourself from this fogtalk, and if you can't, give her the impression it's rolling off of you even when it isn't. Stay off the R or M talk. Stay in Plan A.

I've stayed in Plan A, and I considered Plan B EXACTLY when you did. Now I'm actually able to do some Plan Aing with my WW, which will make a future Plan B that much more effective. My WW calls me everynight and talks for hours.

Patience, Cajun, Patience.

Maybe2Late,

I have talked to OM. That is where I get the impression that he's not where she is. Of course he could be lying, but he said he wasn't trying to make problems in the marriage and he was just trying to be a friend. They talk on the phone everynight for hours. WW got a new phone yesterday, so no more snooping there. Anyway, I asked him to man up and back off so my WW could have a chance to get her head together and he said he would. My WW lost it when she found out. She had to run to her S in Texas because she couldn't deal with it. Then I sent the family an email stating my intentions and actions in trying to save the marriage. So when she got back yesterday she really let me have it. That got us to here.

Jayban,

Thanks for the heads up. Coincidentally, I have a conference in Galveston next week and will be gone from Mon - Fri. It would be nice if I got the same results you did. I will have to call a few times to check on son. I am addicted to him since this all started.

Thanks for the good info

That's the important piece. Remember: If anything, you must survive this to live for your son, you can't be broken by this. I know that's a thought for later, but really, it's about the "now". The venomous talk you will be on the receiving end of will have a cumulative effect on you if you let it.

What I did was wait until the end of the first week of radio silence before I engaged her in a true Plan A-ish type of talk. "I've been thinking of you. Do you feel like talking for a bit?" That turned into an 8 hour conversation on a Friday night.

I know where the venom is coming from so it just bounces off of me. It hurts, but bounces. Nothing sticks. I have been very strong this week and don't plan on retreating. I do have to admit that part of the reason is that my own Love Bank is empty and I'm not exactly in love with her either. I do know that one good conversation with her can revive me. That's what keeps me going. My goal right now is to last at least six months. If nothing changes by then I will have to decide If I can take it any longer. I don't see myself waiting 2 years for sure. I was craving the affection of a woman for a while and got plenty of attention, but that has faded. I'm content just enjoying life with my little boy right now. Mardi Gras was a nice distraction and made 3 parades with son. Now I have his Bday and the convention to carry me through next week. Life is moving along pretty good right now.

We'll see what happens in March

Later

BC,

What is your current legal situation (i.e - custody, supports, etc) right now?

Nothing is legal right now. She took her bills and I have my bills. Custody is joint. I kept the house. She's in apartment. I am not supporting her in any way. She really can't afford to do this and that pressure will eat her up pretty quick. I put in a call to my attorney, but she hasn't responded(Mardi Gras). She hasn't asked for anything other than for me to let her go (that's not going to happen). I heard legal seperation can cost just as much as divorce, so I have been reluctant to do it. I know I need to protect myself, I'm trying to figure out how I want to do it. I was going to get the attorney to draw up something to seperate the community property, but that sounds like legal seperation and I'm wondering about the cost. I really don't want WW to feel like she has freedom from the M. She is threatning D so I told her she would have to file. She hasn't done anything stupid financially yet so I havn't been quick to get protection.

Any recommendations?

BC,

At least in SC, legal separation is basically divorce without the actual decree saying you are divorced. The premise is probably that this would lead to an uncontested divorce since you already divided up property and finances, took care of support issues, and the like. It only gets expensive if you can't agree on custody and support issues. Since you are dealing with a WW, and she can't act like an adult normally, it often goes this route as it did for me.

In my sitch, my wife filed for LS and I just had my lawyer play defense for the most part. Where I got offensive was with protecting the kids - and God was with me and brought me a victory because while we have joint custody I have primary physical placement, i.e. the kids stay with me every night during the week and we rotate weekends. The sucky part is I still have to pay her CS because she has no job and does not appear to be trying to find one. But the think is, she is alone every week night in a house she is renting athat nearly eats up all the CS money she gets.

You are doing the right thing by having an attorney at the ready. Just make sure she knows you position - I think it was Mortarman who said on another person's thread that the attorney is your rear guard so you are not caught by surprise by anything.

Exactly. Let the attorney be your rear guard - he (or she) talks LSA and Divorce, you talk M.

I would only get wrapped up legally with defensive measures at this point, and not throw that around with WW.

Empty Love Bank? I have a favorite picture of her that I look at to remember my W when the WW drains me. Time away will help as well and give you new energy. If you are looking for strength to continue, take a drive and look at where you met, places you have been and have had pleasant memories. The time to avoid all of that and put away the pictures comes with Plan B. It's worked for me thus far, and I think most of us get this down feeling in the weeks after confronting & exposing.

***drive by jacking****

Jay, you know that your wife can do a search on your name?? You might think that your hidding in these posts, but a search can find you. Maybe go to that other thing you were doing before if you want to stay around.

***jacking done****

Thanks for all the advice. I have a convention all next week, so I probably won't get in touch with attorney until first week of march. Right now I just want to be ready. So far we have been in total agreement of property and son.

I just got a call from one of her friends. They put her on prozac today. I wonder if that will help reduce the intensity of the feelings she has for OM and also the anger she has towards me. Anybody know how long before the drug takes effect? Is it immediate?

Thanks

WW just hit below the belt. Called to talk about Bday party. Then she informed me that she is considering moving out of state and taking my son. She has convinced her entire family and IC that I am evil, controling, and it is me that is making her crazy. They all think that she needs to get away from me forever.

This is not going to end well. The same people that loved me and took me in as family have now turned on me. They will try to make sure that she never comes back to me.

What can I possibly do now?

I begged her not to take my son and to give it some time.

I did make one mistake and told her I would fight for my son to the death.

Now I have to mount as much evidence as possible to get ready for court, if she goes there. God I hope she comes to her senses.

She's actively trying to destroy me now.

Have you seen an attorney yet.... call one ASAP she should not be allowed to take your son out of state. That is not good for your son.

Still

The prozac should kick in in 21 days. It will make things better. Don't worry about her threats to remove your son, but you do need to see an attorney to find out what to do. All of this is probably just her anger.

BC,

This CAN work in your favor. My WW did the same thing, took the kids to her mom's in NC over Christmas and New Years and I did not see them for three weeks, only talked to them on the phone.

Now, you have the parental right to go get them wherever she takes them. You cannot stop her because she has the same right to take them. I know it sucks, it really does. But you can use this to your advantage if you don't turn it into a tug-of-war over your son. It will hurt, but you need to document every time you make an attempt to see him and what her response is.

It will hurt, I know it will because I am not that far removed from it. Those three weeks are some of the worst days of my life.

Stay strong!

I have an attorny.

She called back. She apoligized for making the threat. She said she just wants me to know if we get divorced, then she doesn't have any reason to stay here. I could have layed out plenty of reasons, but decided not to restir the pot. She did listen to me tonight, but doesn't think she will ever love me again. I told her she needed time to get over OM and anger she has towards me. She really doesn't believe that will do it, but I told her time is what we needed right now. We had the most rational conversation that we've had in 3 months tonight. That restored some hope inside me. She didn't realize it, but I finally had a chance to make some deposits in her LB. I sure hope I can start making more.

Praying and Hoping
Later

This is when the rollercoaster REALLY begins Cajun, you'll never get used to it, but accept that. Things will go one step forward, two steps back.

Your AD's should help, but I'd also remind you: Plan A your W, Plan B your WW. She will be hot and cold.

I experienced a "turning" from the ILs when I exposed too. Maybe they will get over it, maybe they won't. Don't stress on that right now, lay low and let things settle a bit. It's going to probably be the most anxiety-filled week you have had since this started. This is the worst part of it, how you handle this is key.

I won't tell you to act happy, but I will say Act Calm and Cool even when you are suffering more anxiety than you probably ever have. You will probably worry about EVERYTHING right now. Don't.

On another note: Thanks M2L, no worries on this. So long as my story is out of the picture, I'm not concerned. Actions predicated on love are not something I have shame for. I'm proud of the things I've done in the fight to save my marriage, and I can respect myself for it if she won't.

Cajun, hang in there and remember to hold your head high in these dark times for the same reason: All of your actions are predicated on love for your wife, your son, and yourself.

Way to go with the calm, cool talking and acting. You were a man in the face of this storm. Hard to do, but women to respect this in a man.

This was the best way to act on your part.

Very good job. Keep this up and you become the lighthouse to your wife.

Thanks for the support and advice. I know the next few weeks are very critical. I scheduked an appt with SH for Mon morning as to give me the best chance of not screwing up. I have got to play my cards right while she is riding the rollercoaster. I noticed today I still have a little rollercoaster in me, but now it's more like the one at the fair for the kids. The last 2 days have put the sting back in my gut though. I think it will fade pretty quick since I still feel strong.

Thanks for everything

BC,

You certainly are a quick learner...

For me, the turning point was in finding this place, finding out I wasn't alone and wasn't even all that unique. Once I had a plan, I set about executing it to the best of my ability instead of reacting to everything that happened or was said. To me, that is the key. Plan! Then act but don't react. It saved my sanity. It might have saved my marriage (still not sure on that one). It sure saved me a lot of wondering about what I should do next.

Keep up the good work, Dude!

Mark

Cajun,

Although it seems like a bloody mess, everything you are going through is pretty textbook up to this point. Her volatility and outburts are all signs of the addiction she is under. No different than an alcoholic or drug addict resisting the intervention of those who love her. Ignore her threats and anger.

The OM is playing you along. Don't bother talking to him, especially if you are buying his words. He knows what he's doing and he's definately telling your wife more than he stated to you.

Talk of suicide is not uncommon, my wife did the same. Your wife is in a very desperate situation here, chosing between her family and her drug. She wants both, but can't have both. Remind her that you and your son need mom, and that she will feel better in time. This is temporary.

Good luck.

Mark and Sundog,

Thanks for the replies. Finding this site stopped me from filing for D. I had pretty much given up on any reconciliation until I stumbled onto this site. I'd even consulted an attorney. I never called back. I started out weak like everybody else, but it didn't take me long to gain some momentum and start putting together a decent Plan A. I am getting stronger everyday and my textbook WW is remaining textbook, which is what I want. I've clued her in to a lot of the concepts that I am using, which I didn't want to do because now she can conciously fight the process just to spite me. Although, as weak as she is right now I don't know if that's possible. The exposure blew her mind and she has been drilling me trying to find out why I am doing it. In her state of mind exposing to pressure the affair doesn't make sense so she keeps asking thinking she's going to get a different reply.

I have told her that son would be fine if we D'd, but he would be a hole lot happier and better off if he had his mommy and daddy married and in love. I also told her that her feelings might change after some time has passed. I know she doesn't want to hear any of this stuff, but now's the time to plant seeds.

Thanks for the good advice

Alright. I made it through another weekend. We had a Bday party at home for son. WW, MIL, BIL, and SIL were there. Everything went pretty well. We all got along just fine.

There were a few interesting things that happened though.

When WW first showed up with MIL she started showing her the landscaping around the house and talking about some things she wanted to do. What? WW moved out 2 weeks ago. Then a few minutes later we were in the house alone and she noticed that I had installed a home theater and she seemed sort of exited about it and wanted to know if I was going to mount some of the speakers on the wall for surround sound, so we talked about that for a little while. There was no need to put on a show, we were alone. Later she told me that the family wanted to stay after the party to watch the Oscars. I usually cook when her family's in town, so I made a Jambalaya.

This is where it gets really interesting. While I am cooking, a female neighbor shows up (our sons are best friends) and takes a sudden interest in my cooking. She was watching me cook from a distance that even made me uncomfortable. She wasn't touching me, but you would've had trouble getting a piece of paper between us. Sure enough, my WW makes her way into the kitchen and I take a quick glance and see the reaction on her face which was priceless. It wasn't a minute later and WW was standing in between us looking to see what was so special about my cooking. That was the best I've felt in 3 months. I don't know if neighbor did it on purpose, but there was a definate affect. After that it seemed like the magic of the day was gone. I'm wondering if that shook WW up a bit.

There were a few other even bigger events that happened today to wake up WW, but they would take a long time to explain.

All in all, I thought today was a good day for reality checking with WW. Plus, we had a typical afternoon party that made things feel normal. Plus, I was able to spend an entire day with WW making love deposits, except for the little jealousy bit which was unintentional.

If any of today's events got throught to WW, then I think we're moving in the right direction.

I am leaving for Galveston tomorrow, don't know how much time I'll have to post.

Praying and Hoping for the best

Later

Aye! Great job BC!

Your tale is developing nicely, and I see some positive signs. Just remember: WS's are hot and cold, and it's a consistent approach by you that wins in the end. My money is on she will have a day which is as "cold" as this one was "warm". I would (personally) drop lines subtly (or not so subtly) suggesting that there is a way out of this mess, everything can be fixed, and moreso, better than ever.

It's funny how WS's will exhibit jealousy when presented with a reason. I don't think that is unusual at all. For an interesting spin on that, read Mimi's "My Gift To You - Please Read" thread. There is talk of a Plan A meets a 180 approach that you may find interesting.

Strength and Confidence wins the war Cajun! Exude both and you'll "win" no matter what.

Well, i was just reading up on your sitch...things are going good and you have some great advice!

I hope that you're trip and conf. goes well! Take care and we look forward to hearing from you...

Oh, my "fog" lifted when I got my meds right...the recent bronchitis that I had and my meds really messed me up...

Feeling better and doing better...I pray the smae for you!

Thanks Rinder and Jayban,

I am too casser'd (ka-say-d), (Cajun for drunk or tore up, not sure about the spelling) from the hotel bar (Rinder may get it). That is how oil field conferences are. Lots of drinking and schmoozing. I will try to put together something intelligent later, but this is the best I can do for now. I had a session with S Harley this morning. WOW! These guys know their business. I have something to put together tomorrow when I am sober. Best money I ever spent. I will fill in details later.

Thanks for the support

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That's one good nights sleep

Hi, Cajun...

Yeap...I'm familiar with the term...MOF, I know a little Cajun French adn what I do know I try to pass on to my boys...

I'm glad that you are enjoying yourself...I'm sure that it will be profitable in the long run for you! It's how the industry is...LOL...remember to hydrate today...

Take care! Wishing you the best!

I slept very good last night. I woke up about 5:30 and even got in the bed, but I'm feeling much better now. Sweated out the poison in the hotel gym. Only 2 more days of this.

I don't have much time to post.

Talk to yall later

Convention's over. I go home in the morning. This will be my last post with 10 beers in me for a while. I had a great week. Actually it was too good. I got a ton of attention from the opposite sex this week. 3 months of weight lifting and eating right and working on myself has caught the attention of everybody but WW. I'm sure she's noticed, just letting the fog keep her from acting on it.

Not all is well though. My old black lab is dying and I will be putting her down tomorrow. I just hope she makes it till I get home so I can say goodbye. My neighbor called today, she's having trouble standing up. She's gone down fast. She was a good dog and I'll miss her. I just want her to find peace.

I joked with some friends today that my life is turning into a country song. My wife left, my dog is dying, and I have an old truck with 200k on it that won't last much longer.

But I'm doing OK. Don't worry, I'm still strong. I can't believe how good I feel lately. Never underestimate the power of a good Plan A. The Harley's and this web site have changed my life. I am very grateful for all the support and advice that I have recieved.

I'll post sober in the near future.

Talk to yall later.

I need some quick advice if anybody is out there. WW traded in the 4runner for a samller, cheaper car. The 4runner is in my name and I have to sign it over. I told WW before that I would do it for the equtiy in the house and she agreed. She traded in without my knowledge and now the dealership is waiting for me to come in to sign papers. Can I write up something my self that me and WW can sign and have notirized or de we have to go through a lawyer. Can we sign something that simple or do we have to seperate all the community property in order to do this.

What should I do. I told her I would do it, but I want something in writing.

Any advice?

Another quick question. If WW has new car in her name, we a re still legally married, no seperation agreement as of yet. Do I still have right to equity transfered to car? Is that car still community property?

I would definitely get something in writing about the agreement on the home equity. A notary should be enough. From teh courts perspective they would rather you could agree on all this stuff yourself.

About the new car, I would assume that it is still marital property since you have no legal separation agreement in palace.

More proof that you can never trust anything a WW says.

Get any agreements you've made together in writing and notarized if possible.

Make sure its notarized and witnessed by someone when signed. Make sure what is agreed to is very clear.

I finally got a hold of a friend of mine who is a lawyer. Louisiana is a community property state and I will still be entitled to half the equity in the vehicle. So if worse comes to worse down the road I am protected. I can live with that. I really didn't want to make this a big stink since we are on speaking terms finally.

As for as the trade in without my knowledge. I knew she went test drive, I just didn't know they would do all the paper work and make the trade without me signing first. That happened yesterday and she told me about it today, so not really a big deal. I'm not happy about it, but she never hid anything. We've been talking about this for a few weeks. I really didn't want it to happen because it makes her new life easier to live, but you have to pick your battles and I didn't see how making a huge stink out of this had any benefit.

On a new note. We had a special moment Fri night at home after putting dog down. WW was looking through old pics trying to find the ones with the dog. We ended up looking through everything: wedding, honeymoon, vacations, other places we lived, etc. and had a good time. I thought we made a connection and we talked as if nothing had ever happened. We were very close physically too. Sitting against each other. She's kind of turned back off since then. I invited her to come visit tonight and maybe eat supper. She said maybe and never called back. I doubt if she calls at all much less stop by as late as it is getting. I called at 5:30 to see if she was coming and she didn't answer, I think I'm getting blown off. That's Ok though. I am not expecting miracles.

What I am wondering is now that we are starting to establish communication again. How often do I make these attempts when she isn't accepting them. I pretty much know how I should handle it, just don't want to start appearing needy or desperate.

Anybody have any pointers from when they were at this point?

If you need a refresher, about three weeks ago I exposed to WW's school, about 2 weeks ago I made contact with OM and asked him to stop talking to my wife, which he agreed. WW lost it and ran to S in Texas for a week. Came back and gave me the I hate you I want a divorce AO from WW text book. She's been cooling for about a week and a half. We had our special moment Fri night. Got blown off 2 days later. I'm sure she'll be pretty up and down for a few more weeks.

Thanks for any advice

Is she still in contact with OM?

The rollercoaster ride goes up and down BC, from your special moment together to a few days later when it's seen as a "Moment of weakness on her part". I've experienced that myself. Don't let it phase you: Understand that when you feel like the two of you are going "up", remember the roller coaster goes down even faster. Also, I can tell when my wife has contact with OM because that rollercoaster plunges down right after contact. That's something to watch for - detach and watch the situation analytically. Nothing makes sense right now, until you know what to look for with a calm approach. This is the nature of the game.

As for communication: If you are separated, it's incredibly difficult. Don't call excessively - make it matter of fact, small talk, happy talk. Try to space it out a bit. She's only going to let you in as much she wants to let you in. I have a great deal of success when I write a handwritten note and drop it off. Small things, small tokens, short phone calls - UNLESS she wants to talk. If she does, you let her do the talking and listen. Keep a calm and confident tone, act happy, don't judge, and STAY AWAY from the R or M talk. That will make her feel safe talking to you, and you may find a bit more of it forthcoming.

I don't know if she is still talking to him or not. She moved out and got new cell phone, checking acct, vehicle, etc.. My snooping options are all but gone. If I suspect they are getting hot and heavy again I'll do the spying on their homes stuff. Right now I'm just letting the dust settle after a few weeks of chaos. I've done all the exposure that I can other than letting her know if I know she is still making contact. I'm sure there is some contact since they work in the same school. I think about all I can do right now is keep improving my plan A. It is pretty strong, but it could always be better. I think she's definately starting to notice it at least. The changes in her have been miniscule, but I do notice them.

Thanks for the advice

Hi, Cajun, I was just checking in on you...things are interesting on my end...

I didn't read enough to see how you are doing...LOL...I'm trying to catch up with everyone and my thoughts are scattered tonight...

I'm so glad that you enjoyed your show.

Please be careful with you're sitch right now...I'm a little worried about your WW's action...I don't see, JMHO, how you can make light of her trading in the car...I mean yes, you knew she was going for a test drive but this is still something that sould have been POJA'ed...that's a mjor decision that effects the two of you...

Please, please don't down play your sitch...I was really bad for that...be careful!

Just lookin out for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hey Rinder,

I've been following your post, but kind of trying to stay out of it. It's not easy watching you go through this and I'm right down the road. It looks like you have plenty of support from family and friends. Stay strong and I wish you the best of luck.

As for as the trade in, that is something that we have been discussing and came to an agreement on. We traded the car equity for the home equity. I got the better deal, of course none of it matters if we reconcile, this was just for my protection.

Things are quiet now on my end. WW is completely independant from me. I still see her once or twice a week and talk on the phone a few days a week. I will try to increase phone talk in the near future. I'm trying not to push it right now. We're still pretty fresh from the exposure chaos. From here on out it will be a lot of trial and error trying to reconnect. She seems to be letting me try to reconnect so I have to play my cards right and take it slow and easy.

Take Care

Good Morning! Okay, I understand a little better now! I see that you have a plan and you'll know what's right for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, it's a little rough right know, mostly my nerves and trying to keep my cool. I can't exactly ignore the threats of burning the house down...TBH, we have been dsyfunction from the start...I can look back when he still have some C with his XGF and think "How naive have you been?"

Anyway, I can't kick myself to hard, dumb kids huh? I have to focus on what's right for me and my boys now! I'll be fine...I'm a survivor! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

GO AHEAD T-FRED!!

LOL

Just checking in..

I talked on the phone with WW twice yesterday and conversation was pleasant. It seems like she may be letting me back into her life a little bit. Conversations are getting longer and more participation from her. She is still hot and cold though.

She came by the house today to pick up a check from income taxes and drop off some clothes for son. She wasn't mean or angry, but was pretty cold and anxious to leave.

I am still not happy with her personal life. I get zero info about her life without me and I'm extremely worried about her. I can spy on her, but there isn't anything left for me to expose. If she is moving on without me then I can't do anything to stop her.

I will Plan A as long as I can stand it. Then I will Plan B for a while. It is so hard to be patiant. This is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done.

I am still confident and strong, but the pain seems to make its way to the top every now and then. Tonight I am hurting. I guess it's because today was a big let down. My old truck is starting to die. Check Engine light came on today and engine started shuddering. I know it's probably miss firing and I just spent a lot of time and money fixing that about 6 months ago. Then WW came home and was fairly cold and didn't stay long.

On a lighter note, my life is now offically a country song.

My wife left me, my dog died, and my truck is broke down.

YEEHAWW!!

Things can only go up from here right?

Hoping tomorrow's a better day.

Later

remember when you play country music backwards you get your dog, and wife, and truck back <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll take the wife and truck back, but if my dog rises from the dead I'm outa here...LOL

You're doing great BC. I think there about 8 thousand songs that could describe our situations. I'm sorry to hear about your dog -

I'm a rock guy myself, so I'll stay away from the Country and the Evanescence!

Yes, BC our lives are a country song now... I seem to relate almost every song I here on the radio to my situation... It only makes me feel worse sometimes. I think I'll switch to classical, since it doesn't have any lyrics...

I've been reading your thread for a while now. Your situation seems to almost parrallel mine... Hang in there brother, you can do it...

Good Morning! Dropping in to check on you...i'm doing good and it appears that you are too for the most part...

Cory- you're funny...no lyric music huh?

Well, I look forward to hearing from you! Take care, I hope you have planned yourself a good weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Jayban, Cory, and Rinder..

I also have stopped listening to country music since DDay. I turned back to rock after about 5 years. There's still some decent stuff coming out, although if I hear Black Parade one more time I'm going to blow up the radio tower. That's the one they play every third song.

Cory,

I have followed your thread alot too. It looks like things are getting better for you. I hope your WW takes to recovery. Mine is no where near that, but she did look me in the eyes yesterday for the first time in forever. Hopefully a good sign. I wish you the best of luck in recovery.

Rinder,

Stay strong. It looks like you have things worked out pretty good, now you just have to stick to your guns(maybe a bad choice of words, sorry).

I have the boy this weekend and not much money, so we'll probably play in the yard all weekend. I may splurge on some crawfish though. I havn't had any yet this season and it's getting the best of me.

Talk to yall later

I made it through another weekend. It started off rough, but continually got better and ended with a grand finally. I got a hug from WW this afternoon. I had to ask for it, along with some heavy flirting, but I got it and it felt great.

I was in some pain the first half of the weekend. Towards the end of last week I really started missing WW and after a let down encounter with her Thu I had some pain in the gut happening. Fri night was dead in the neighborhood and Sat everybody was gone all day so nothing to distract the pain. When son went down for afternoon nap I started calling people trying to get disctracted. Same thing, nobody answered their phones. After son woke up we went outside and nieghbors starting coming home. Then one shows up with a sack of crawfish and the party was on. We had a blast Sat night boiling crawfish and drinking beer. I even splurged on some cigars. So I got just the distraction I was looking for and pain went away.

Then today my parents and one of my nieces drove in for the day. Well this niece is my WW's godchild so I called WW to let her know who was coming. WW ended up spending the entire day at home and even stayed a few hours after everyone left. Once we were alone we ending up talking about us a little and I would say progress was made. Then later on we just had a very nice conversation about absolutely nothing. All in all it was an even mix of fog talk and rational talk from WW.

She is keeping up with expressing her need to be alone and how she is enjoying being seperated, but at the same time she is working in the landscaping and wishing our little trees would grow faster and has started refering to our house as our house again.

It is almost comical how she makes a fog comment and immediatley follows it with something just the opposite. She contradicts her self from one sentence to the next.

Oh yeah, she is definatley noticing Plan A because she actually told me it seems like I have been working on her. I told her all I am doing right now is working everyday to improve myself. She said well it sure seems like you are working on me. I'm thinking it is working on her, she notices. She is starting to smile at me and look me in the eyes again and I am starting to relax and laugh and joke and flirt with her and she doesn't realize what is going on. I AM FILLING HER LOVE BANK AGAIN. SWEET.

Things were going so well that I seized an oppertunity and asked for a hug right before she left. She needed a couple of stamps and I told her they weren't free. She asked what I wanted and I told her a hug. She said I don't want to hug you and you can't buy affection. I said well give me a hug because you want to then. She said how about one arm around the back. I went in and she gave me one arm around the back, but I gave her a full embrace and told her it felt great. She smiled and laughed at me.

Then we went to round up son so they could leave and we found him with [email]cr@p[/email] in his pants. So we got to have a family moment cleaning up son.

So I'm feeling good tonite even though she'll probably have a new line of defenses next time we talk. The biggest thing I've learned this week on this forum is to not have expectations. Enjoy the battles you win and learn from the ones you lose.

Take Care Everybody

Great job,
Now let's add to it a little.

When you talk to her again start repeating back a few things she says.

Your wife:" I had a hard day at work and I'm so beat tonight."

BC "Long day and your beat huh. Still problems with____... at work?"

Repeat back her words - she will feel like you are listening to her, which you are.

try it. When I first did it I felt like I was cheating on a test or something. Worked so well

That's a big lesson BC. Very true. You are correct, what goes up must come down, the rollercoaster rides always do.

I'd add the following to the "big list" of things I learned from the forums:
1. Don't have expectations from your WW. Plan A w/o Expectations.
2. Let go of your fear. What would you do if you weren't afraid?
3. Develop, establish and communicate your boundaries
4. ALL of the plans are more about YOU than HER.
5. You no longer have any control of anything that's wayward, unlike what you may have had prior to the A, so you might as well get over that as soon as freaking possible and "control" yourself. That seems to be a big one for BHs especially to deal with. (me included...)

Keep working on you and keep up the good work with your interactions with WW!

Just updating for a bump.

Nothing exciting going on. Spoke with WW last night for a few minutes. She didn't sound interested in talking which has been a pattern. When ever we have a moment, the next time I see her or speak to her she is shut back down.

I pretty much engage her when she is on and end the conversation quickly when she is off. Being polite in both instances.

I guess when you have a moment with a WS it really gets their head spinning for a few days. They feel like they have to re up their defenses because they don't want to think that what they are doing might not be right.

That's OK, I see the process moving along and I am grateful for it.

I get son back tonight so we'll be going out for pizza.

Other than that life is chugging along just like it always has.

Feels pretty good.

Later

Well, you sounds good...


LOL...Boy you said a mouth full right there! Exactly! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oKAY, IT'S KILLIN ME! So, we went to the same school...

Are we doing hints? Teachers? Anything? LMAO

Ok you're 32 so unless you were held back at some point you were a year ahead of me. I graduated from Tbonne in 93. I know a million people that graduated from HL between 91 and 95. Did you go to coteau the whole time or were you a late arrival. In 7th grade I had Mrs. Preston in the morning and Mrs. Moore(i think that was her name) in the afternoon. If you were a year ahead of me you had Mrs Preston and Mr Penn until he got fired for touching TE's boobies. You remember that? Big Scandal at Coteau!

I read before that you were 4'11" and I can't think of any short girls that lived on the HL side of Coteau. I also read somewhere that you used to cut an acre of land at you're house. If that was on coteau you probably either lived on the hwy or in Bayou Gardens.

That should drive you crazy for a while.

LOL

I remember the scandal but I was at Evergreen at the time...I know TE TOO!

I actually lived before Rembert trailer park, in the front...and I was at Coteau from 2nd to 6th... I left early b/c they needed the room...I was one of the "CHOOSEN" LOL

I graduated HL in 92'...and most of the time I dated a popular Italian guy...LOL...nickname Sambo...Rinder in not far off the mark from my name! LOL

COOL! LMAO

Well I didn't live far from you. I was by Coteau Baptist Church.

My older B dated TE at Coteau. At least the elementary school version of dating.

I couldn't be chosen because I was in the band. I wasn't a nerd though. I was also a Baseball player throught out High School and American Legion after.

I actaully remember more people from the year ahead of you because that was my B's class and all of his friends.

I still hang out with Shane T(91) from Bayou Blue every now and then. In HS the only person I stayed friends with was Heidi G(93) from Bayou Blue.

I still can't figure it out. I wasn't familiar with SAMBO, unless maybe I heard his real name.

Oh Well

OKay, I knew some OP in your area Johnny H, Jason R, Gabe C...all my year...oh, you must have known Leah L(92)...

I was a brownie! WooHoo! We walked from school to that Christain school right there...(4th)

I was in Mrs. Cambell's class (5th), Mrs. Lever's (6th), I didn't like her at ALL...

I had Mrs. Golf (3rd)...

Sammy Indo...Jr. high football and HS...At CBB, there was only three of us that scored 10 in chore...Me, Leah L, and Merlin L...I bombed the band test...LMAO...and I wanted to play too! LOL

I don't remember too many P under me...mostly my class...Oh, there's a pic of me in the MB Photo Album...

LOL...I'm not going to give you the link either...LOL

Tag your IT!

Easy does it you guys. If you figure out who each other are you will be opening pandoras box. I know both of you would like to crack it open, but I wouldn't recommend it. Please don't take any offense.

Thanks jim, I thought about it...not good timing...

don't need to set ourselves up for an EA...need to stay on the higher ground...

no offense taken...that's what friends are for! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have a good night!

That's my neighborhood.

If you didn't know Johnny H got killed in a shipyard several years ago.

Jason R builds houses and lives in Bayou Blue in my B's neighborhood by St Louis Church.

Gabe went into the military, but hadn't heard about him since.

I hadn't heard anything about Leah since HS.

Your class in my area was also Melanie P and David G.

David moved to PA in HS and last I heard Melanie was still around Houma.

The people I knew in your area were Rusty L, Timmy A, Amy and Cody B, Dean B, Brant and Reid P and a whole slew more from Bayou Gardens. They are all a year in front or a year behind. Can't remember your class in that area. I also had a best friend in the earlier days that lived in Rembert and that was Jason B, he moved to Bourg around 4th grade.

Now I have to start searching for the MB photo album.

LOL

I FOUND YOU RINDER!!

But I don't recognize you. I guess I'd have to see a pic from your childhood. How do I not remember you. I thought I new everybody that went to Coteau. Is the name in your pic your real name, because I definately would have remembered that. My mom's name is very similar.

Since I know who you are I guess I should reveal myself. I don't know if real names are used on this forum.

I know:

My first name is a character in the Dukes of Hazzard, but spelled with an eau.

My last name is on the water tower down Dularge. That was my great, great, great grandpa's plantation in the old days.

My brother's name starts with a T and its strange.

Figure it out.

I'm going to bed.

Well, I don't know who you are either...still cool...

I also didn't know Johnny got killed...i saw Melanie not to long ago...she's doing well...

Leah Med, then Ded, then Med STBX and I's friend, then Ded, and is now Med again...she has a son from her 1st M...she was living in Gulfport until Katrina then moved back to here...

I knew Gabe went into the Military... and Jason was building Houses here...I see Andy from time to time...seems like he's doing well...and I remember the pitre's but didn't really talk to them...

4th grade was a bad year for me and at the end of it I moved in with my GPs on Maplewood...I lived with them in 5th, was in IC, same thing in 6th...

I got your name but don't remember you either...oh, well...last name was B***iot...first name...RinD*...not short for anything...

I perfer not to use my real name because it's so uncommon...don't need anyone doing a search and it showing up...I had a guy from college call me up one time...he knew so much information about me but didn't know I was Med...even knew we had just bought a new truck! It was scary...we changed our number to unlisted and took some other safety measures...he was calling from California too...

Anyway, I don't have a year book or anything so I'm out of that...I guess it's working out for the best that we really don't know each other pre se...

Like Jim said, I would have hated at this time in our lives to open that box...it's just nice to have someone familiar with the area...perhap if I saw a pic, I don't know...

OH, Rusty L's (from Maplewood) sister is Med to my uncle with two kids, boys...

I don't know too many OP with my maiden name...my mom's from Chauvin...Dom**gue...

LOL...I'm going to have to go look up that pic! LOL

Well, I'll talk to you later! Have a good day!

I didn't see Jim's post last night. When I replyed to one message it brought me to the next page and I missed 2 posts.

But yeah, I figured that would come from somebody and they're right. I was thinking that myself. We've read the books and we know how this stuff gets started.

So we can still support from a safe distance.

Back to anonymous

Cool!

Oh, I would like your advice or thoughts on my post on my thread since you just dealt with the whole car thing with your WW...

I like to be hands on when I can...like maybe with the spark plugs...I don't know...just your thougts...

I would appreciate it!

How are you today? And your son?

Good idea <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

John Doe
1234 Main St
Anywhere, USA 12345

Rinder,

I'll check your thread shortly. My boy is awsome. He is finally old enough to watch the childrens programs and asnswer questions when they ask (like Mickey Mouse Club House) It's frikin hilarious. He sings and dances and talks to the TV.

Hey Maybe,

My mother's from there.

Do you know.....

never mind

Thanks for the ideas..

yeah, I'm enjoing L, for the most part...sometimes I want to kill him for the things that come out of his mouth...F was the same way at four...

But I love both of them so much...it's been really easy having them with me...

Well, thanks again!

Have you ever been to Duck and Cover? You hunt right?

Just curious...some friends of mine own that store...

That's in broussard? I think I went in there once looking for last minute deer corn. I think they were closed or they didn't sell it.

But I'm not a big hunter. I deer hunt, but mostly go to drink beer, smoke cigars, sit by the fire, cook, etc...

Theres other things involved in Deer Hunting????

Somebody should have told me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Domaru,

Some weekends I don't even bring my gun.

Hey!!..Guess What!!..I AM NOT CRAZY!!

I got a phone call tonight from one of WW's best friends. She was just calling to check on me. She and another girl served in our wedding and have stayed in touch with us through the years. WW used to call them regularly and kept them up to date with our lives. Well guess who stopped communicating with her best friends. The one that called had a baby last week and still hasn't heard from WW. I got a call from her husband a few hours after the birth and I immediatley notified WW so she has known the whole time. WW has spoken to the other girl once, and she couldn't believe who she was talking too. They are both in shock at WW's behavior and want me to know I have thier support.

Like many WS's it looks like mine is starting to lose some of her oldest and dearest friends. They have been around since day 1, literaly they were there the night we met, and they know what kind of H and Father I have been. So they are balking at WW's excuses for her actions.

It just feels good to know that people on her side know better.

Actually both of her friends have recently had babies and are healthy and happy. I know it hurts them to know that they are building families and WW is destroying one. They should be enjoying this time together.

You think WW knows this too and that's why she is avoiding them? HMMM

Later

Yes, that's what mine and all of them do. That is why you expose. Eventually the pressure becomes too great and the affair finally dies. You are on the right path, BC.

The waywards will RUN from everyone that they know doesn't support their fantasy relationship. They will gravitate to those who do. In other words pigs like to play in the mud with pigs. They will search out others who are "worse" than they are so that they feel better about what they are doing and who they have become. They will use these idiots as support to justify their affair. They will lie to them about you and your M in search of false sympathy and consent for what they are doing. The problem is that in the end they have traded a loving spouse for a lying, cheating, POS OP, traded good, solid friends who care for pigs in friend's clothing who when the time gets tough they will get going.

Thanks Jim and HP,

I agree. WW is runnig with a pack of wild dogs right now. It seems to be worse with school teachers. They hang around kids all day and after awhile they start acting like them. They have cliques and they look foward to the weekend for partying.

Because of her environment I have to deal with the fact that this could be permanent or at least last longer than I'm willing to wait.

Life in Limbo Land continues. Is it June yet?

I had brief contact with WW last night and she told me her and DS were heading over to her frriend's house, except it wasn't one of her new friends. It was the friend we have that is trying to help save our M. I don't think she'd lie about it since she knows I stay in touch with this friend. I know she may be only doing this because all the rest of her new friends are out partying, but the more time she spends with this friend the better chance we have. This is the friend that told me to call IC about suicide threats that ended up getting her medicated and then this friend told WW it was her that pressured me into doing it and F her other friends that were mad at me for it.

Also, they left to go to this friends house late, so I get the fealing WW is having a tougher time with our seperation than she leads on because this is the friend she turns to the most when she is having trouble with herself. What I am getting at is this wasn't a planned visit being how late they left to drive to friends house which is probably 45 mins away with a 3 year old in tow. It was his bed time when they left.

Another thing that happened recently that could be a clue. The other day me and DS were eating supper and DS asked me again if I loved mommy. I told him yes like I all ways do and he followed up with something about us taking a picture, like he wants a family photo or something. Then out of the blue he says, "Somebody's playing games daddy".
I have never said anything like that and they don't talk that way at daycare, so where did he hear that? He said it 2 or 3 times. It makes me wonder if my Plan A is starting to get WW's head spinning. Maybe it's working and she can't figure out why. Ive told her in the past that over time she may start to feel differently about me and she said that wasn't possible at the time. Is that starting to change a month into withdrawal.

Also,
In the past she spent all of her time when she had DS on the phone with OM. Last Sun she spent the entire day at home and didn't leave until dark. Now she is spending the entire evening at a pro-M friends house. She answers her phone more often when I call (I call every 2 or 3 days just for contact and hopefully love deposits) and her cold days aren't as cold.

Does anybody else see this pattern? It feels like she is making progress and my gut tells me OM is out of the picture. A month later it still feels like OM was begging me to ask him to stop contact. I don't think he wanted the complication, he's a player and he likes it easy. Maybe his conscience got to him because he's never had a BS stand up for the M before.

I don't know. To be honest I'm desperately searching for progress because time is taking its toll on my feelings for WW. I wanted to Plan A till June, but if my Love Bank goes into the red I'll have to go Plan B much sooner just to save what I have left.

Any thoughts or 2x4's are welcome. No Regrets, Remember.

B Cajun, Sorry to hear that this is so new for you. i can relate. I was married 10 1/2 year and was married at 19 with my WS. He said the same thing, however he wanted me to kick him out. I said you know what I love you and know that you made some bad decisons, but I am willing for you to stay because I love you. I didn't give him the option to move, but he didn't realize this. he was so confused about what happen he needed some direction in where to go. Seeing as I am the only friend that he had, this was easy. Plus he wanted to stay. Anyways, I believe what everyone else is telling you, you are making it easy for her to get what she wants. Letting her leave, helps her to avoid the problem at hand. How does she feel about your son growing up in a split family??? How does she feel about not solving her problems now will only create the same problems in a second relationship??? 6 months is usually the time they give for a WS to realize they need you back. what is you next step??

cfc,

I think you may have replied to a much earlier post. You're talking about stuff that happened a month ago. WW left against my will. I didn't help her at all. She took her bills with her and moved herself. About the only thing she took from the house that mattered was the sofa. Also, that all happened right about the time I discovered MB. If had found this sooner, I may have been abled to get her to stay.

Anyway. It appears that WW had another breakdown this weekend. WW had DS this weekend and spent the entire weekend at mutual friend of ours house. She is actually trying to help the M so WW wouldn't have went there if she was up to no good. Something's going on and hopefully WW will talk to me about it when she drops off DS this afternoon. I talked to her earlier to arrainge DS exchange and she sounded bad. I asked her if she was alright and she said no. That's when she told me they spent the weekend at the friends house. I asked if it was something we needed to talk about and I got a yeah,maybe. I don't know if this is good or bad, but it is obvious that her happy single life isn't so happy after all.

I'll update after DS exchange.

BC,

I hope with her spending the weekend with a firend who is pro marriage really does mean something.

I'm anxious to hear about it... It would really be great to hear some good news.

Still

BC,

Hoping that something good comes from this - it's definitely a plus to have a pro M person talking to WW, especially by WW's own choosing.

I wish my WW would do the same. She only talks to her mom (who is divorced, her parents separated about the time we started dating and she was already seeing another man before they got their D) and her brother.

OM MY GOD!!!

I don't know where to start. Didn't see this one coming.

It turns out WW was still with OM. I kind of figured this, but was hoping progress was being made. Actually it was being made despite R with OM.

So here's what happened.

OM dumped her Fri. His brother died 2 weeks ago and he is now having issues with mortality and can't live with what he is doing. He now wants to get his life together and I guess get right with God.

So Fri WW had a complete melt down. Her friend had to go get her because she was just completely gone. She spent the weekend being consoled and counseled by friend. Friend convinced her to come clean with me about everything.

And she did. She told me the complete dynamic of thier R. She had been introduced to his family and was basically in it. She was at B's funeral with the family.

She also told me how the R unraveled pretty much on its own and it was eating her alive and she started realizing how controling he was being. When they were out OM would get mad if she talked to any men other than him. You think that's because he didn't trust the cheater in her?

She wasn't comfortable in public with him, they basically hung out at each other's houses and did nothing.

It was great to listen to her bad mouth him. I did have one LB though. When she was telling me about the control he put on her I said, "and you thought I was controlling?" She didn't care for that much.

She even talked about giving up everything for him and now she was getting dumped.

I just listened.

She said now she knows how I must have felt and she was sorry for the way she's treated me through all this.

There was alot more said, but you get the drift.

So now she is ready for me to know where she lives and wants me to have a key to her apartment and car incase of emergency. She never gave any keys to OM.

She asked about withdrawal and we talked about it a little bit and I told her she neede absolutely NC with OM. I told her if she says hi to him the process starts over and the pain is prolonged. She says she doesn't think it will be a problem. They teach in different sections of the school and have been having to go completely out of the way to see each other.

She also talked about DS telling her that Daddy loves her daily and how DS has been consoling her lately because he notices the pain she is in. DS is barely 3. He's a bigger man than OM. I couldn't be more proud of him.

She also talked about going back to school to change professions. She's thinking about nursing. Great, rich doctors everywhere..LOL


Oh Yeah...She also says she wants to feel the pain this time so she can own it. She doesn't want to run from her problems anymore.

Then when she left she said I didn't have to check up on her every couple a days like I have been, but if I wanted to it was OK.

Then she left, looking at me as she was leaving and waved to me.

So that's about it. Not a complete 180, but I'd give it a 90. There was still plenty of fog babble mixed in.

On my part. I was giving up fast. At church today I prayed for guidance, all through mass I talked to God, never heard a word said by the priest. I was at a breaking point. Then this happened. Now I have some restored hope. Enough hopefully to get me through her withdrawal.

MYSTERIOUS LORD I AM AT YOUR MERCY!!

Man, what a day!

God is good!!

Hoping the best for you and your family! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good news BC,

"She also talked about going back to school to change professions. She's thinking about nursing. Great, rich doctors everywhere..LOL"

Yeah - that is what happened with my wife. Watch it!!. LOL

Anyway - keep meeting any and all EN she will let you.

Thanks for the kind words Everybody

I talked to the friend that helped WW this weekend and aparrently there was some 2x4's along with the consoling and counseling. Friend lost a BF in the past due to the same thing and I guess she doesn't want to lose another one.
I know WW was keeping A hidden from friend as much as possible, so she came to the rescue, but not with out an a$$ chewing to WW.

You really find out who your REAL friends are in times like these. I thanked friend and her H from the bottom of my heart for the help they have given WW.

I'll keep ya'll posted

Prayin' for you and your WW like mad!!! You are in my thoughts and prayers night and day.

Oh, and btw--what a little man you have! Three years old and he told his mommy that his daddy loves her! GO BC, JR!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Yeah, and not just once, DAILY

That kid's my friggin HERO!!

Thanks for the prayers CJ.

I got a suprise phone call this afternoon. I went like this:

WW: Hey...UH...DS wants french fries.

ME: OK

WW:(laughs)..What am I trying to say?...I need to stop by the house and I just wanted to know if maybe we could all go eat together. Do you want to go?

ME:Well...Yes...I want to go.

So we went out to eat tonight. The whole Famn Damily.
Conversation was nice. We had a good time.

When she dropped me off we only talked for a minute and all she really said was that she felt a little wierd and uncomfortable. I said yes, it will feel that way for a little while, but the more time we spend together the easier and more comfortable it will feel. I repeated; nothing's going to happen over night. We need time. I put my hand on her shoulder and thanked her for the evening. She almost cried.

Also, at dinner DS went through his I love mommy and daddy speach and WW laughed and repeated what DS said.

So not a magical evening, but progress none the less. Baby steps.

Oh Yeah, you're gonna love this

I had sent SIL, BIL, and MIL some info awhile back concerning WW's condition. WW had MIL foward the email and she read everything. In the email I had attached an article about The Fog. WW told me tonight that SIL change WW's name in her cell phone to The Fog..LOL.. She said SIL had called her today and asked how was The Fog and WW
responded, "Clearing Up".

So now I might have to deal with IL's calling WW The Fog for the rest of my life..LOL

I just hope I get the chance

Good for you! I'm happy that things are looking up...I hope that they continue for you!

I like the FOG thing!

Read my thread and hear all teh fog I had to listen too tonight!

Trying to keep my head up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Rin,

I checked out your thread and yes the fog is a little thick in Houma. Must be all the swamp. Good thing you're on pilings and can see over it.

BC wrote: "So not a magical evening, but progress none the less. Baby steps."

What do you mean not a magical evening? It was so a magical night out to eat. Heck your wife asked you to dinner. You spent time out as a family. This is something on other person on earth can do with her. Only you my friend. You were so adding to her LBank.

Good going!!!

You're right Maybe. I was just trying to be humble. Trying not to get overly excited about it. I don't want to set myself up for a big fall.

But I did enjoy every second.

Thanks

Good for you! I'm looking forward to seeing if she contacts you today for a get together, no matter how small!

HAve you made you list of what you would need to recover from her A? you've spoke of NC, is there anything else?

Great job BC. A fine job of determination, patience and execution of a solid plan with maybe some well deserved good luck thrown in. You are wise to be prepared for any possible setbacks but the news sounds really great.

Rin,

I havn't gone there yet. WW just ended it Fri. I don't know if we should be doing anything anytime soon other than spending some time together while she goes through withdrawl. Trying to reconnect a little bit. I offered her SAA to help with understanding what happened. She is still pretty fogged out and can't figure out how she let everything happen. She is mad at herself and wants to own her choices, but she is still very emotional and weak. She declined SAA with some fog babble; I read for escape, not information.

I guess I could start working on a list for myself though. I havn't given it much thought since I worked so hard to get here, which is a place I really started to doubt that I'd ever see. That says alot for sticking to your Plan even when it seems hopeless.

I'd be shocked if she called again today. I'll probably call tonight or definately tomorrow just to check up on her. We need to reconnect, but she's not exactly recomitted to the M and I don't want to smother. I'm trying to take it slow for now and gradually work back to daily contact. Now if she wants to start talking daily then that's great.

I guess I just don't want to dive in head first when I know the water isn't very deep.

Thanks for stopping by. Take care

The question was more for you and your preparation...I'm sorry I wasn't clear on that...


Ah, good to know information, hold that close to your heart! I would keep this in the forfront of your mind...this can be unheathly...stressing CAN...

The whole fantasy land thing...

IMHO, it's why I can't read romance novels!

ALso, PLEASE do not get your hopes up TO high...YES< it's a wonderful thing, but I have seen a lot of false recoveries here...actions speak louder than words...

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to bring you down, I would just hate to see you get hurt worse...what an OUCH!

Just looking out for You! My dear friend...LOL...who I owe a favor too I think!?!!?!?!?! LMAO

I hear you...stay above the fog, but under the clouds.

and you don't owe me anything....at least wait and see if your car is still running come Thu..LOL

LMAO...that's what I had you guys and my Sponsor for! LOL

I'm going to tell Tim that! LMAO Just playin! Thanks again!

What goes up must come down. NC with WW since Mon.

I sent her an email yesterday with a pic of me and a guy that looked like elvis at Blarney Blast. No reply.

I called twice tonight(no answer) and left message the second time. Basically, Hey how are you. Hope you're doing alright. Give me a call back, doesn't matter what time. I'll talk to you later.

So, I'm down. Not too bad. Just got that pain in the gut that you never get used to. Wish I had a cigar tonight.

I have a fun weekend planned though so that should pick me back up. I should be taking DS for his first boat ride Sat. I can't wait for that.

Have a good evening

BC,

Hang tough and enjoy the weekend. Spending time with my kids gets me through the tough times. It's hard because we only get about 2.5 hours in the evenings during the week, but I make sure we have lots to do on our weekends together.

BC,

Have you ever told your wife that she is not a bad person, she just did a bad thing? My FWW told me that when I told her this, she felt like I would not hold it over her head forever. It allowed her to feel that there was a path home agian, so to speak.

BC- I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting...thing is that WS's are actually sincere "WHEN" they say these things...it's the addiction and the rollercoaster ride...

It's just like an Alcoholic saying that they want to quit and that they are going to go to AA meetings...at the time, they mean it but the addiction gets in the way...

It's a matter of developing loving detachment...where you can see the addiction separate from the person...

I think that you need to ask yourself some questions...one how long did you plan to stay in plan A? What's healthy for you and your son?

Being on the water will be a great time to give it some thought, IMHO, b/c it's so peaceful!

Backing you NO MATTER what...thanking you for sharing your life with us...blessed to know you!

Thanks Ep...Spending time with the boy definately takes the edge off.

Maybe,

I do want to say something like that to WW. She's just so fogged out right now she is still playing the victum and when I speak she feels attacked. Was your W still fogged out when you told her that? Did you get a negative response when you first said it?

Rin,

I'm the King of loving detachment. He//, even when she's spewing garbage I'm just happy to be spending time with her. Still hurts though.

My Plan A kind of changes with the sitch. I figure I need to give her a month for withdrawl(IF NC IS MAINTAINED) and if I can stand it another to try and make Plan B more effective. Hopefully Plan B will never happen, but I can't take much more of this. SO, If she can't maintain NC then off to Plan B it is.

Thanks for everybody's support.

BC,

I got nothing at all when I said that, at the time. Check this out though:

My sitch in short.

Busted FWW and OM in an EA, had been going on about a year. They worked togther and nothing changed until my FWW found a new job away from him. It then took 4 more months of NC for her to crack. We were out Christmas shopping one day and she just cracked. Spent the day crying and talking. Talked ALL day about how the OM used her and what a POS he is and such. I don't even remember what stores we went to that day.

After a week or two my FWW told me (LISTEN UP BS IN PLAN A) that the changes that I made to me while on PLan A (she didn't know about Plan A at the time) made all the dif in the world. Those changes made it very clear to her that I was the one for her. That is what did it for us - plan A.

My FWW went on to say that she did notice all the things I did and said while she was in the fog and WD. Surprised me b/c I didn't think anything stuck with her at the time.

Keep planting the seeds now so they can pay off later on.

hope this helps.

Maybe,

It helps tremendously. I'll definately say something soon. She needs to hear it regardless of what she's thinking right now. Just another seed to plant.

I'm really just down because I havn't had contact with her in 4 days. I miss her.

I went an bought some cigars to get me through the weekend at lunch. They seem to have a trigger effect on me now. Just buying them makes me feel better. Anxiety subsides. Meds would probably be cheaper, but not as enjoyable. I need to start keeping one handy around the house in case I get an attack like I got this week.

Anyway, I'm going goof off at the wherehouse for an hour or so and then I'm going get DS and head for Houma. I may check in before I leave, but if not I probably won't be around until Sun so everybody have a nice weekend.

Later

How are you going to maintain NC? Didn't your WW meet your OM at work, or was he just friends of one of her coworkers?

She works with him. We talked about no contact when she came clean Sun and I asked Mon if there was contact and she said she saw him in the morning, but no talking. Turned her head. They work on opposite sides of the school, so the only time she could accidentily bump into him is in the mornings when they check in. This weekend I should get and update from the weeks events and I can get a better idea if NC is going to be a problem. She's still pretty fogged out and not all that interested in me being a part of her life. It's hard to say what can be done. She is gone and doesn't have much to do with me. The only control I have anymore is to Plan A the he// out of her when I get the oppertunities.

I'm in a very difficult situation until she either recommits to the M or at least lets me back in to some extent.

What else can I do?

It is going to be hard to get her to commit to the M as long as there is contact with the OM at work. There is no NC until that happens. One or both or them need to change jobs at the end of the school year if you M will survive. I think you'll notice a marked improvement in your situation once the school year is over. However, things will get worse again if she is back teaching with OM again in the fall.

Well, i hope that you have a great weekend with your little man!

So, what kind of cigars are you into? I have a good friend who likes to smoke them...we went to Mexico once and both him and STBXH had a Coheba (?)...of course, they had to smoke it while we were on the Mexico side! LOL

I like the smell of some of them...

It's Cohiba for future reference. I am a big fan of the CAO Brazilias and Extremes (for a spicier cigar) as well as the Onyx (for a smoother, more refined taste). Those are probably my favorites.

Thanks Jim, I'll keep that in mind...I came close! LOL

I'm not to familiar with the name...if I had to go out an buy one for a gift I would probably fail miserablily! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jim,

Right now she isn't supposed to be going back to that school next year. She's actually talking about getting out of teaching all together. Thinking about nursing. If we can hold on till the end of school we'll probably be all right.

I like the Romeo Y Julieta's. I also smoke the Padron's with my boss. His brand. He's been giving me some since he found out I use them for anxiety. Right now I favor a mild flavor. Until the last few years I smoked an occasional pack of Swisher Sweets until a neighbor turned me on to real Cigars. I havn't ventured out much. Thinking about getting a humidor and start buying by the box. Maybe get some of those sample boxes with the mixed batch.

Oh Rin..your mechanic likes Henry Clay's if you want to give him a TIP.

Well I'm off to get the boy and head to my Mom's.

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight!

Wang Chung? I'm lost...make it on your calendar...doesn't happen much! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't know how to say this, but here goes

It was a lame attempt, but WW tried to kill herself Sat morning. Swallowed what was left of her monthly prescription of zanex and prozac and took 10 - 15 demerol that I'm guessing is left overs from DS3's birth. It didn't really do her anything, but she is in the hospital under observation for 72 hours. She has requested privacy and I am not allowed to see her or receive updates as to her treatment. Apparently I have no legal rights of any kind as long as she is conscious. Right now she is refusing to see me, her BF, and her mother. She is only letting in a few lady friends from school.

So here I sit getting very little info and not being able to do a Fing thing concerning WW's treatment. Right now she is stuck in the ER due to lack of rooms and her IC says there wouldn't be anybody to treat her till Mon. He can also do nothing until she lets him in. I hope to God they send her somewhere for a proper evaluation. If they don't there's nothing I can do to make it happen.

MIL is on her way and now accepts the sitch and is joining forces with me and BF. So that's about the only good news in this. If WW would at least let MIL in maybe she can talk her into proper treatment.

Tomorrow I am contacting my A to try and get temporary full custody. I don't want WW to be alone with DS or be able to pick him up from DC until she gets properly treated and proves she is healthy over time.

She has completely crashed 4 times in the last month, once with DS and once when she was supposed to pick up DS and didn't because she ran to Texas. I have to protect DS now even if it pushes her back over the edge.

The only immediate delima I have right now is that MIL will probably be here tonight and will probably stay with me. Should I not mention custody with her yet. I'd rather wait until I've gotten the ball rolling with it, but I also don't want to stall the progress I have made with MIL. I don't want her to feel like I did this behind her back.

any thoughts?

Do they not have a psychiatrist on staff/call??

Nope, Kind of a small town Hospital and she's coherent so I guess they figured it could wait. But I really don't know, They won't give me any info.

It all depends on the stance of your MIL. If she is trustworthy and not easily swayed by the WS, then you can take her into your confidence. If you are not sure if brains are thicker than blood, then be cautious. Work with your lawyer to secure your finances and child custody immediately.

If the WS is pushing you away, do so but also know that this may limit her healing but that's her choice. She is trying to punish herself and you. Realize this and you will be able to know HOW to act and reaact.

L.

HI, BC-

I'm sorry to hear that you are in so much pain...this has got to be SO hard for you...

I have to agree with O of this...I understand that your family comes first and right now that family is you and your son...

Remember I before E...I think that you really need to take a few days and think about your sitch...what's in the best interest of your son?

If this were my case I'm not sure that I would want my child around the WS...I see that you Are going to take those measures...Good for you!

I wouldn't at this time mention anything to MIL...

By the way, thank you for talking with mechanic man...I greatly appreicate you and your efforts...

You seem to be a religious man...a would pray for guidance and to do his will...sometimes that will is NOT what we would like...so take your time, breathe, and take care of yourself at this time...try to stay focused on yourself...

No committee meeting in your head! Keep it Simply!

I'll be praying for you in your time of need!

praying for you too. Be strong for your DS he needs you now more than you know........his little world is coming apart and you need to shore it up.K?

Stay out of your WW storm.Be a light and love always....

God is with you always.......even when it doesnt seems like it.

Thanks Orchid

I just received word that WW has been moved to a hospital with a mental ward and has been admitted. She'll be there at least 72 hours and they start treatment immediately. She went willingly and scared as he//. She still doesn't want me to know where she is, but she's OK with MIL staying with me and is willing to see MIL, although she has left her appt keys for MIL if she wants to stay there, which I'm sure she will.

So I am at least relieved to know that she is being treated by the right people and isn't angry with me. If you recall we had a nice evening together last time I was with her.

As far as MIL goes. We had a serious talk yesterday and she tried to throw a little bit my way, but I stood my ground and pretty much told her everything I want to say to WW but can't because of Plan A and of course her current situation. MIL is on board now a wants WW to get the help she needs. MIL was in some denial for a while, but when WW left me and I wasn't really a part of her life anymore and WW continued to lose it, people started realizing it wasn't really me causing it. The last month I've barley even been in the picture.

YIKES!! I wouldn't look at that as a lame attempt at suicide - she took quite a few meds. That was a cry for help. Thankfully she is safely locked up in the hospital.

Now it is time for you to stand for your family. I wouldn't mention it to MIL, but would definitely get temporary custody of your son until all this is sorted out.

I'm sure your wife is ashamed at the mess she has gotten herself into. Be supportive and kind. Let her know that you are there for her, and wish to move on to a better marriage.

honestly...i kinda feel sorry for her.Almost like a page out of SAA. She has hit rockbottom and sees no way out except suicide.

You need to be there for your family now more than ever...

Remember that.

Thanks for the responses.

I'll hold off on telling MIL about custody until it's done.

and don't worry. DS is well taken care of. He's actually with my parents right now until I get the legal stuff taken care of. When I go get him I want everything to be in place. I'm not taking any more risks when it comes to him. He's been involved too much already.

I am backed by my parents, work, my friends, my family, and the neighborhood so I have a very large support system. Not to mention MB and Cigars for my head.

Thanks Again

BC,

I am so sorry that this is another sad event added onto you. I'll pray for your family tonight.

Your W is going to get the help she needs... stay strong.

Still

It's so great to hear that you have so much support...that a great part of what gets us through the most difficult of sitchs...

Everything happens for a reason, I have faith in that! ANd I know that YOU and YOUR son will come out of this strong than before!

Breathe, and focus! One day at a time!

BC,

I am praying for you and your family. Remember, sometimes God works in mysterious ways. Hopefully, this crash will be the wake-up call that your WW and ILs needed to get her off her destructive path. Personally, I think this suicide attempt was directed at OM because he dumped her after she was giving up everything to be with him. I think it was to "get back" at him and make him feel bad. This will only push OM further away, and get her family on your side. It is sad that things like this have to happen, but hopefully some good can come of it.

BC~~

I'll be praying for you and DS night and day, and I'll pray for your WW too that maybe this is just the wake-up-call she needed to start thinking clearly and get her life back together.

((BC))

Your faithful friend,


CJ

I just got through consulting with my A. Apparently in La there is no such thing as legal seperation unless you are in a covenant M. We are not, so my only legal option is to file for D and get a 15 day sole custody order in which there will be a hearing scheduled for permanent custody. Her unoffical recommendation if I want to leave the door open for reconciliation is to leave DS where he is, which is with my Parents out of town. Give her time to get her treatment and talk to her when she gets out. Try to get her to agree to my requests and see how she handles it. If she refuses or gets aggressive about trying to get DS back then we will proceed legally.

A is concerned with going for the jugular when WW is already mental and suicidal. Legally, going for the jugular is my only option in La. A says WW may go the same rout if she wants DS, but we have our ducks in order to fight it. Also, because there is nothing legal between us right now she cannot use law enforcement to get custody of DS. He is safe at my parents house.

So I think I will give this a week or two to be resolved peacefully without legal action, but if she gets aggressive or hostile then I'm pulling the plug and protecting DS.

So this is it, if she gets the treatment she needs and makes an effort to get better then I will hold off for a little while longer. The first sign of trouble though, it's over.

Oh, I am also going to talk to DC. I want to be notified if WW attempts to pick up DS if and when I bring him home. DC may also be able to deny WW access to DS knowing the state she is in. I want to find out if they can do that. I just want them to be aware of the sitch so they can explain what legal rights they have and if I have any options.

Tell me what you're thinking. This is a lot for me to process.

They can! DC I mean, I have to get a notatory(?) to write up something saying that I am the only one that can pick up the kids.

I think it cost me like ten dollars to get it done! That way if she does try to pick up the kids and starts trouble, the DC can call the police. I'll try to find mine, I have a copy to give you an idea of what it said!

It's legal!

Here goes:

S4B, a person of full age of majority, who lives and resides in the parish of _____ having a domiclie address of _______________, who after being duly sworn did depose and state.

That I, S4B, hereby these presents attest to the fact that no one has permission to pick up my two minor children, namely, F & L from the day care. My Children's day care provider is _________ and her residence is ________.

Hope this helps!
I did it back in May to protect them!

Thanks Rin,

That helps tremendously with my biggest concern.

I would think WW could fight that though, did STBXH try anything?

Nope, not a thing!

I talked to DC and they are checking into it, but they're pretty sure they can only deny WW with a court order.

Rin,
I'm wondering if it's because they're a center and under different state regulations than a private sitter. I know DC has different state classifications and the different classes have different regulations.

They did need to know what was going on though so they could monitor DS's behavior and report any suspicious activity to me. They said they would help any way they could legally.

Again, I just want to thank everybody for their support and prayers. I'm getting a lot of feedback and its hard to address everybody personally sometimes, but I read every response and take it to heart.

Thanks

I don't know how LA is, but you will probably have a hard time getting sole custody. I know I did in California. I had a 3 year battle with my husband. He had 3 drunk driving convictions, and NO license, and the court still made me meet him and let him take the boys.

He finally made the mistake of coming to the court ordered counseling drunk. That was it. They gave me sole custody.

This may wake your wife up so that she sees what she is losing. I imagine by now that she wants OUT. I was in psych lock-up for 3 days 20 years ago, and it was NOT fun. When she gets out, she will very likely be embarrassed and mortified, and ready to make some changes.

I think your attorney is very wise.

Is there any way you could seek an order of protection (restraining order) to keep your WW away from your kids? I think that would be the easiest way to maintain sole custody without having to file for D if it is possible.

Do you have any idea when you will know something from the DC?

If you plan to have your leave your son at your parent's for a while, could that not work for you? The thing that I did?

Just a thought!

Do you think that it's better or worse in Louisiana that we don't have LSAs? I think that it sucks personally...I feel that we as citizens are very limited in our choices! Especially in sitchs like your's and mine!

How's your LB? This has to be a difficult time for you trying to protect the love that you have for her? ANd how is your strenght? Have you checked yourself in the past few days?

You have been through SO much in the past few months, self care...proper rest, eating habits, etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believer,
Thanks for your insight coming from experience. I really don't want permanent sole custody, I just want to protect DS while WW heals. If I do file D then I want whatever it will take to keep WW from leaving the state with DS. I sure hope this is the wakeup call she needs. I want my child to have a good mother.

Jim,
I don't think I could do that. I want her to be with DS, just not unsupervised. If it's that bad then I will proceed with the D.

Rin,
I'll get back with DC later in the week to update them and find out about a notarized letter. DS will stay with my parents until I am satisfied with the arrangements.

I don't know about the whole LSA argument, but it sure would give me an DS some much needed protection w/o having to end the M. Like a legalized Plan B.

Speaking of Plan B, that's about where my LB is right now. This weekend just about finished me off. From what I can gather, her side thinks she needs time away from me and OM for her personal healing. If that's the case then I guess we're in Plan B. I don't even know if I'll have any direct contact with her when she leaves the hospital. I just need to wait and see what the sitch is like when she's released.

As for me. I'm as strong and healthy as I've been in awhile. I'm eating good, working out, I've been to the DR recently, everything's in check. I feel good, still get bouts of anxiety and depression but I cope well. Cigars for anxiety and exercise for depression.

So I'm doing good considering the sitch.

Thanks for all your support and advice

Have a nice evening!

I think this may really wake her up. It is proof positive that she is making poor choices. Stay calm, and see how she is thinking when she gets out.

I hope her family isn't going to enable her to ignore the consequences of her behavior.

I tried posting something similar last nigth...this is from another thread posted by Just learning...

I would like to call your attention to Step 5, the part about read and prepare for Plan B...

Step one is disclose this A.

STep two is to continue plan A a bit more, but really it seems she knows you will meet her needs.

Step three which really should come right after disclosure if not before,is to call the Harley's and get a plan.

Step four, protect your finances, see a lawyer and find out your options in your state. Is a legal separation available, what do you need to do to go to plan B?

STep 5 is read up and prepare for plan B, and that means seeking custody via a lawyer if you can. Here you need info. For example if you go to plan B, does moving out constitute abandonment? Better is to get her out.


You are not in Plan B until you have wrote the letter including instructions for the way home...JMHO, but I believe that right now would be a great time to do this...you can write it, mail it, and she will have it upon returning home!

All WS need instructions on the way back to the M...the rules and guidlines that you need to have a successful M following an A...

This is just food for thought, I understand that your plate is probably full right now...this is just something that you need to consider...in the long run should things not work out...you will have peace of mind knowing that you have done everything you can...

Trying hard to be a good Friend, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Rin

MIL came over last night after visit with WW. WW is in anxiety he// right now. It turns out WW is not on 72 hour observation, she is an admitted patient working with a psychiatrist until she is healthy enough to leave, then she will be on a plan for recovery. So at least she is getting proper treatment and there is no time limit.

Had a knock down drag out with MIL about custody. She finally agreed that DS doesn't need to be with WW alone for a while. Naturally when it was brought up she thought I was trying to take DS away from WW and that turned into a heated conversation and finally I had enough and layed into her with both barrels and after I said my peace she calmed down and we got somewhere. So either MIL or both of us will talk to WW about it.

MIL is still trying to do WW's rationalizing and justifying for her. She keeps challenging me and I have to stand up and give her he//. It's weird, because when MIL starts I tell her everything I've wanted to say to WW but can't and that venting is doing me some good. I feel like I finally have a voice in this crazyness, my side of the story gets to come out.

Also, MIL figured out on her own what OM was all about and wants to kill him. She told me he started back peddling as soon as WW moved by him. He wanted the fantasy without commitment. He didn't want her to leave me, he just wanted his fun. When she made commitment an option he ran for the hills and WW hung on with everything she had. So I'm no longer the bad guy. She even told me my younger BIL felt bad for me. I think he's looked up to me more than I ever realized.

Well I have a meeting in about 1 min, so I'll check in later

Rin,

Thanks for the Plan B post. I need to start working on my letter. I probably will schedule an appt with SH. I have to be careful in my Plan B letter considering the sitch. I also have to consider my custody arrangement. If she consents to supervised visitation that will make Plan B very difficult. I don't have anybody to be a full time intermediary and supervisor. We have no family in the area, I don't trust her school friends to do it, and the one good friend that I do trust lives too far to count on daily. She's a half hour from me and 45min from WW. I have one neighbor that would help, but she'd be right next door at the neighbor's house.

I think I'll start working on the letter, but wait and see what the sitch is when WW is released. Then I need to contact attorney again and explain the arrangements and see if it's time to get legal.

Man, I am wiped out. The adrenalin's fading and I need a vacation from this mess. I need to get to the camp.

Oh, I'm gonna go get DS Wed night. I don't know when WW will be released and I don't have to worry too much while MIL is in town.

Thanks Again

WW called tonight from the hospital. She sounded almost normal. I don't know if she's medicaded or her treatment's working or she's finally starting to snap out of it or all of the above, but she sounded pretty good. Didn't talk long, she was only allowed 5 minutes. I couldn't believe she called. I definately wasn't expecting it.

It looks like she's probably going to go to her mom's or her dad's when she gets out for a week or two. I hope she does. It would be nice to not have to worry about custody for a few weeks.

It also looks like she may be released as soon as tomorrow.
MIL is going to stick around until WW goes wherever she's going to go, so I'm feeling better about DS situation for now.

I'm going to bed

Goodnight everybody

BC,

Just want you to know that I am praying for you and WW.

Maybe this is her rock bottom.

Honestly, this is the BEST thing that could happen for your situation !

Our son had 9 psych hospitalizations in his early teen years ... by the 3rd one, we were old pros

The psych ward feels like a very very S A F E place for the patient ... their physical needs are met and there is ~always~ someone worse off than they are !!! ... and the focus is on perspective of reality NOT fantasy ~~~> while practicing speaking up .... accepting ownership is a BIG thing .... the talk therapy in the hospital (especially group) does not allow victim-thinking without everyone else (staff and patients) calling them on it

It's a pretty neat experience, actually

Pep

While in the psych hospital, a depressed/anxious person feels protected from his/her ~self~ .... they are usually frightened by their own feelings/thoughts ... not so much the situation they are in, but their internal demons.

~~~ and it feels S A F E to know an authority figure will not allow you to hurt yourself ... and you will be listened to

Pep

Thanks EP,

Right now I just want WW to get healthy. DS deserves a healthy and loving mother. This incident has taken a huge toll on our M. It's definately complicated things for me. I'm going to give it some time though.

Oh, she did want me to know that this incident had nothing to do with me. She also told me if she had been thinking about me and DS she wouldn't have done it. So that was good to hear. We're way to close to the incident to try and read into that, but it was still good to hear.

Thanks Again

Well, seems to me that things are going in a great direction for you and your son!

Good for YOU! And to think that you are going to get your vacation that you asked for!

GO BC! GO BC! Do the happy dance!

I hope that this is taking a good turn for you and your family...just do yourself a favor and keep watching your back fro the time being!

During her time of need...she called you. Those 5 minutes she was allotted, she GAVE to YOU. Be her rock.

Thanks Pep,

It helps to get insight from people that are familiar to the sitch. I am also honored to have the great Pepperband on my thread. You're sort of a celebrity around here.

You are master. I am grasshopper. LOL

I am waiting to see how WW looks after she leaves the hospital. I think they are giving her some sort of recovery plan. I won't know what my involvment will be until she is released.

Hoping for the best

Shaddup



no, really, shaddup


she will look tired
say very little ... "ummmmm" is OK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
give hugs and physical signs of support (nod head, hold hands, bring tea, give a foot rub)


with good reason

this will be beneficial .... once the wrinkles get ironed out

she may have NEW insight

((( hugs )))

Pep

Just got back from Houma.

DS is sleeping in his bed completely spoiled rotten after 5 days with mawmaw and pawpaw.

Have a good night

Doesn't that provide a great deal of comfort in itself? LOL

To see their little sleeping faces...and to know they are the part of reason that you are doing what you have too!

One way or another, you are doing wonderful and will be fine!

This is so true.

Thanks Rin and Rock

There is great comfort in knowing that Me and DS are going to be fine. I am in a strange place right now and the only life I can think of is me and DS. I am definately at the point where I need to protect what I have left for WW. She's inflicted so much damage in such a short period of time that I no longer have any romantic feelings for her. I miss her and care about her and I hurt for her, but I don't have any desire to touch her right now. I've been longing for her affection for so long and that went away this past weekend.

I need to give her a few more weeks of Plan A just because of her sitch. When she gets back from spring break I'll have a Plan B letter ready. I won't talk about R/M, but if she isn't ready to let me back into her life to a large enough degree I will give her the letter and ask her to respect my wishes.

Then I will finally be able to sit back and breathe. It is so strange how you know when it is time for the next step. I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not even anxious. My mind and body are tired and want a break. I am ready to let her go. She will have a path the leads back home and it will be up to her to choose it.

I have made my peace with the sitch and I am satisfied with my Plan A. It is time to move on.

Thanks for all the love, support, and advice.

Hey, I just stumbled on this thread...and haven't posted in awhile.....please read my story below.....I've read yours....all typical, even your reaction now, it still comes from anger. Be the rock, respect yourself and grow.

My FWW and I are now going on 10 months into recovery. It is better than ever.....or should I say, our M and R are deeper than ever. It's not a "switch" that turns on...it is YOU being her landing area, she NEEDS that! Snuff the anger and resentment that you feel with the love you have for her, and for yourself. Let HER come to you...there is a very good chance that will happen...just be strong, and keep working on yourself....it's the ONLY thing YOU can control.

MWIL,

Thanks Man,

What a story. I skipped through, but saw the process full circle. Not a bad time for me to see a success story, especially one that got as bad as mine. My WW has to have hit rock bottom now so there's only one way for her to go. I just hope she comes around. There was a lot of love between us for most of the M so I know it can be restored. Thanks for the dose of hope!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

OK

wonderful comments !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WW was released and she stopped by with MIL yesterday afternoon. I let her have DS for the weekend since MIL is in town. We seem to be OK with the supervised visitation and she's going to NH next week for a week and a half so I really won't have to worry about it for a while. We didn't talk much. Really we didn't talk at all. About the only thing she said to me was that she had planned it so she didn't have DS and they were doing some state testing and she wanted to wait until that was over to do it. I really didn't say anything back. I was thinking plenty but pretty much kept my mouth shut. She still seems pretty messed up to me. All I saw in her was a broken down shell of a human being. There's no life in her yet. She wouldn't even look at me. I don't think she's making eye contact with anybody right now. I guess I've just never seen anybody in that condition before.

So here I am, waiting some more, trying to keep myself distracted, continuing to improve myself, and praying for an end to this mess.

Oh, I just realized I ate meat this morning. I'm out of Cherios at work and I picked up a sausage burrito at McDonald's. That's alright. I've done better this Lent than most. Only the third time I forgot. Only one more Fri to go and it'll be BBQ pit in the drive way on Friday's again. Ya'll better warn all the deer sausage! I'm a coming for ya real soon!

Have a good day

BC

Good job with your WW. She has a long journey in front of her, all of her own making. It truly is a "tangled web we weave when we first practice to deceive." The best thing you can do is pray for her to get the right kind of help to extract herself from this awful mess. She's going to need a lot of help.


I've never had deer sausage, but I've had moose hotdogs (friends from Alaska make them). As my mom says "They're just like hotdogs, only different." My mom is a carbon copy of Rose, from the Golden Girls so that statement makes sense to her.

Hope you have a great day.

Thanks John,

I'll eat moosedogs. Rose is my favorite, so send your mom my love.

Have a good weekend

The neighborhood had an intervention with me Fri night. When WW was at home Thu afternoon she had gone talk to one of my neighbors and pretty much left her completely horrified. She didn't know what to do with the info and couldn't sleep that night, so the next day she confided in another neighbor and they decided I needed to know.

WW told the neighbor that she had been conditioning DS to start calling OM daddy. OM would roll around on the floor with DS and put him to bed and read him bedtime stories. They would go out as a family and WW thought once she could convince DS that OM was his daddy then I would no longer exist.

Then she told her that after experiencing the love, the lust, the passion, and for once experiencing what real true love was that she could never go back to THAT and pointed at me.

She told her that we were no longer M so it was OK for her to do whatever she wanted. So I guess she never intended to get a D since she wasn't M anymore?

She said that she had almost succeded when OM suddenly found his conscience and dumped her. He told her he asked his ex-GF to marry him. Who knows if that is true?

So now she feels entitled to kill herself. Told the neighbor that she was going to see her father in NH to let him know that it wasn't his falt and when she returned she would finish the job, but wouldn't call anybody.

She was showing off the scars on her arm where she had been practicing. She couldn't understand why I had gone to the hospital because I wasn't her H, OM was. She feels that she has raised DS to a point where he will be just fine without her. She's not even concerned about him, but will fight for full custody of him just so I can't have him.

That's about all I can remember.

Does anybody agree that this is not FOG talk, but the rantings of someone who has crossed a line mentally?

Next week I will try to get an emergency session with SH, then I will see my attorney and begin D proceedings so I can get custody. Then once she is gone to NH I will try to get MIL to listen to me or talk to neighbor directly for one last attempt at getting WW help. MIL will be with WW until she leaves for NH. I will try to get her to come back here after she drops off WW. They can't know anything until WW is gone. When WW returns DS will be back at my parents for his safety.

The neighborhood no longer wants her around, especially near their children. She's burned every bridge she has.

Is anything she said true? Doesn't matter, the fact that she said it proves her mental state and she is dangerous to DS and herself. It's going to take years for her to recover from this if she doesn't succeed with suicide. If what she did with OM is true I can never forgive her for trying to make me disapear. I don't care what state of mind she was in when she did it.

I want her to get help. I want her to get better and have some semblance of being a decent mother. I no longer want her for a wife. This is too much and I have reached my limit.

I will gladly hear any thoughts on the subject, but keep in mind my mind is made up. I've slept on this and doubt seriously that I could change my mind at this point. She is way to sick to be a wife and mother anytime soon. Me and DS need to be safe, peaceful, and happy.

Oh and to DS's credit. He NEVER called OM daddy. At 3 years old he knows better. I AM HIS DADDY!!

Cajun

Too wierd and situation was / is dangerous for DS and you. Good lord - what would have happened if she thought of doing you in or DS in to continue her fantasy?

You would be crazy to sleep in the same house as the WW. Not sure how I would handle the OM after that crap. you are better man than me.

I agree - she will need medical care for a long time and has crossed a line. you have proven who is the good and sane parent. Protect yourself asap with atty.

Take care.

Oh, to me, her fantasy sounds just like what they all go through. Having OM be the dad, and son not noticing anything amiss is just the regular fog talk. Same about you visiting, and not him. We see this stuff here every day.

The part about saying goodbye to her dad, and not calling anyone next time seems very ominous to me. I would see attorney, and ask neighbor to write out a statement. She should only be with son when supervised.

I'm not extremely worried, because she was sure that son wasn't around the first time. Years ago, my neighbor attempted suicide, and she had both my kids and her kids in her home.

((((BC)))

Your WW needs psychological help immediately. I would be afraid that not only may she hurt herself but maybe you or your son also.

I'll be praying extra hard for your family today and tomorrow at church.

Still

I agree.

Get the neighbors to put their story in writing.

rwinger,

The only reason OM is still alive is because DS needs me. I wouldn't need a gun neither. If I started swingin, I wouldn't stop until he quit moving. If his nerves are twitching, too bad.

believer, still, and pep

My neighbors are willing to do whatever it takes to protect DS. I think he's safe as long as MIL is in town. This week I will consult SH and my attorney. After WW is gone I will talk to MIL and WW's IC about the incident. I can't risk her finding out what I am doing while she has access to DS.

I do have DS tonight, WW had POKENO. When she dropped him off, she still looked horrible. She did say her and MIL would be by tomorrow to do some laundry. She'll probably have DS when they leave and I won't get him back until Wed.
For now I have to play it cool.

I did have a blast with DS tonight though. We were at a neighbor's house for a BBQ and we cut up all night. I didn't get him to bed till almost 10. I love that kid, he's so much fun.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

Prayers are appreciated. I will be having an hour long one on one with God at Church tomorrow.

Is there any chance your MIL would help your WW to get away from you with DS?

If it's really true that OM is out of the picture and she's insane... she might want to leave without a word to start a "new" life somewhere?

When suicidal atemps get old she might go for other desperate actions?

Consider everything.

Glad so see your DS3 has such a great father.

Oh, BC! I am so sorry that you have having to deal with SOOO much...I think that you will make some good decisions regarding you and DS...

Have you checked into IC for you and DS also? You mention how angry that you are with OW...I was just thinking that you may need a healthy outlet for that...

Let us know how things go...I look forward to hearing from you today!

(((((((BC)))))))

I am just reading back on your sitch... I have to suggest a more pronounced plan of action. The police and child protective services should be called immediately. Your wife should not be allowed any time with your son and I mean NO time at all until a mantal health professional gives you assurances that she is not a harm to him. ANYONE hearing what she has done and has said to the neighbors would not want to trust their children with her... you shouldn't either. While I KNOW that you want to get your WW some help... frankly, job #1 for you right now is to protect your child at all costs.
You need an emergency hearing to get a restraining order and to possibly have her committed. The testimony of your neighbors would make this a slam dunk case.
I hope your ww gets the help she needs and that you have the support of her family.

MEDC

lost,
I really don't think MIL would help WW run away. Right now DS will be at my parents house when WW returns from NH. I won't bring him back until he has some sort of protection. My parents are in state, so I can't get in trouble for sending him there. MIL is out of state, so if they try to run I can put out an AMBER alert. Then she would have a kidnapping charge against her. MIL knows that. She's only half crazy.

Rin,
right now the gym takes care of my anger from the sitch. I currently have the ability to talk about my anger without actually getting angry. If that changes I will seek counseling. I am afraid that DS will need counseling to unwash his brain. I don't want this to resurface later in life for him. I'm hoping since he is barely 3 that he will just forget over time, but you never know. I'm keeping a close eye on him and not overlooking anything he says or does.

MEDC,
I know she has an IC session today or tomorrow and an appt on the 20th with her psychiatrist. I will inform her IC of the incident and try to get that info to her pysc as well. I'm trying my best to handle this in a manner that won't set her off. I will heed my attorneys advice on this. She will know what my chances are with custody and restraining orders. She's a bulldog and has gotten a friend of mine full custody of his kids when he went through something similar.

I will do my best to handle this properly for all parties.

WW was at the house yesterday with MIL to do laundry. We were alone in the living room at one point and she asked me if I really thought that she would harm DS. I told her that wasn't my main concern. I was worried about her having anothoer breakdown in DS's presence. I told her I would really like to see her concentrate on healing and recovery for a month or 2 before she was alone with DS again. I told her she could see him everyday, but I would feel much better if he was at home everyday while she recovered. She never responded. She dropped the conversation and started talking about something else.

She looked better and acted better yesterday and talking to family in NH preparing for her trip has woken her up a little bit. I can't trust it yet, but I guess it gave me a little hope that she may snap out of it as time passes and she realizes there is life beyond OM. I'm through with her, but DS deserves a healthy and loving mother. I want her to be a part of his life if she can get healthy.

Thanks for the responses.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.........

Do you think that the guilt from her affair is really what is behind all of this????

No, she feels way to entitled right now for that. I think she snapped before the A. She has a history of childhood trauma part of which resurfaced about a year and a half ago. Grandma died who she was very close to and Sperm Donor who inherited her millions decided he wanted to be her daddy after 30 years. Then about 6 months later we had some serious trauma happen to us. A close friend died a week before her due date and the baby was lost as well. This messed her up even more. After that suspicious things started happening at school and amongst friends and neighbors. We had it out at the end of May. I didn't know what was going on and didn't recognize the sitch. She visited Sperm Donor over the summer and returned to school immediately after in which she met OM. He was a player, recognized a desperate woman an worked his magic. She bit, thought he was the answer and ran. She gave up her entire life for him and as soon as she got settled in he dumped her. Now she sees no reason to go on. She started slipping along time ago and I feel has gradually progressed to the point she is now.

At least that's the short version

Also, I apologize if my writing has gotten crude. I've been catching he// on my other thread and I think I'm frustrated now.

Pep stood up for me though. Thanks Pep.
I guess my compliments from earlier have payed off..LOL

I am pretty shook up right now and it probably does show in my writing so bare with me. I have a lot going on.

hi, I don't really have anything to say...I'm just here supporting you! thinking about you!

So busy today...bookkeeper's out and I'm having to do some of that stuff too...

Hi, I was doing a little reseach this morning and thought you would be interested in this:

http://research.lawyers.com/Louisiana/Divorce-in-Louisiana.html#four

I think that it will ease your mind a little!

hope your having a good day!

Thanks Rin,

I don't know if it eases my mind, but the info is useful and appreciated.

I was with WW last night. I installed her cabinet and hung a picture. She ended up talking about what she is going through and it still isn't pretty. She's still suicidal, says she looks at her prescription bottles every day and thinks about it. She says she realizes the damage she has done to DS and the mess she has made and thinks the world would be better without her. She notices that DS wants to be with me most of the time and I know it's killing her. When I left DS wanted to come with me. She's barely holding on. I told her she could make things right with DS and that she was still young and had plenty of life to live. I told her to try and have as much fun as she could while in NH. The more active she is the more she'll see there's life after all this mess. I told her DS still needed her and she was still loved and people wanted her around. Nobody wants her to go anywhere. She says she's not going to do anything, she just thinks about it still. I don't know what to do with that. I think she's safe until she returns from NH. I have her BF up to date, I'll bring her mom up to date after WW leaves and I'll bring her IC up to date and then I'm going to let her go. It can't be me that saves her. She needs to save herself with the help of her support system. She'll always count on me to take care of everything if I stick around. I've been forced to choose between WW and DS and it's time for me and DS to move on. I pray to God that she embraces recovery and gets better. It will take a long time, but DS needs his mommy and he needs her to be healthy.

I am very sad. I wouldn't wish this [email]cr@p[/email] on my worst enemy.

How do you save your wife's life while divorcing her and protecting DS and maintaining your own sanity all at the same time?

The answer is you can't. So I am letting go of what I can't control and hoping for the best.

I don't want a pity party.

I want peace.

BC,

No matter what you decide you need to do, I wish you the best of luck for you and your son. No one here has fought as hard against such odds to save their family.

No pity. Admiration.

Good luck

BetrayedCajun, peace be with you and your son.


"Please Lord rest your hand on Mrs BC shoulder and help her in her time of need. Give peace to BC and BC's son. Bring a better life to all those involved."


God's speed BC

No pity here either. We have seen the odds that you have faced and no one is going to fault you for doing what you need to do for you and your son!

That's the difference between knowing what we can control, what we can, and the courage to change what we can!

It's courage, plain and simply...

I agree with Christner! And prayed M2L's pray for your family!

BC, I stand in amazement at how you have responded. You are a hero.

Thanks Everybody

Maybe, that was beautiful

Than You

Your wife sounds a bit like me. I suffered emotional, physical, sexual and mental abuse growing up. I am also a FWW. I had an affair myself after several tramatic events in my life too.

It's taken me years to get to the point where I don't feel justified. Reading and MB has helped me tremendously. I definitely don't think I should be excused for my actions but I do feel there were many things that contributed to my breakdown- and the abuse was a primary thing.

I feel for your wife, even though she's done wrong. I cannot fully explain to you what it feels like to be in her place- it's an awful place to be.

Have you already come to the point where you do not want her back??

Perhaps it would do her some good to hear you say that you forgive her??? Even if you do not want to reconcile.

CW,

My heart wants her back. My head tells me to protect DS and cut WW loose so she can heal and recover which I know will take years as well. I find it impossible to trust her actions or her words right now. If I continue in the M I put DS and myself at great risk. My only option in La to protect DS is to file for D. So that is what I am doing. I can't just trust her to not pick him up from DC and run or do something much worse when they are alone. I want to save her, but find it too difficult to protect DS in the process. She does seem to be reaching out to me now, but I can't risk it. I want her to do this without me so that I know that she isn't letting me clean up the mess she made and not learning from it or finding true happiness. It's time for her to grow and learn to take responsability for her actions. I've always done that for her. I no longer wish to be her care giver. I want my next spouse wether it's WW or someone else to be my wife and partner, not a dependant.

I feel for my Wife too and I don't want explanation of her feelings because I never want to know what it feels like to be in her place. I'm pretty sure I've come close and that was bad enough.

I have not told her that I forgive her. I was going to, but she made her attempt before I had the chance. We're on good enough terms now though and I think I will do that.

Thanks for your insight, it is greatly appreciated

BC,

How about doing something like Plan B. Let your WW know that the D is to protect your son and your love for her; and when she get her act strightened out, you will welcome her back with open arms.

RAG,

I will tell her something like that, but I can't gaurantee her that I will be around when she gets better. I can't wait around forever and I don't know what my time line is and wouldn't tell her even if I did. There's been more damage done than I can possibly resolve on my own. If I'm still around when and if she gets better then I am sure she will be met with open arms. If I have moved on then well, I will have moved on.

I hate this entire mess, but I still have a life to live and a son to raise and I am fully prepared for what life has in store for us.

I guess I just have trouble looking into the future right now.

One day at a time.

BC,

One day at a time is all you can do. I pray everyday that God will give me enough strength to get through that day only - and He does.

I really hate to see how this has gone for you. Be the best man and best father you can be right now.

Nothing much to report. I've put in a call to A and still waiting for call back. I put in a request for a session with SH this morning so I am waiting to hear from him as well. I guess I'm in a different kind of limbo now.

The next few weeks are going to be he//.

Had a guys night out last night. First Tue of the month at Buffalo Wild Wings. 3 years running. I drank a few beers, smoked a cigar, and ate some chicken wings. It did me some good. There was only 6 of us this month so it was more intimate and we were able to talk as a group. I got plenty of therapy from the best drunk professionals in the business.

So I'm feeling bettter today than I did yesterday.

Talk to ya'll soon

Well BC,

If you're ever in need of the "real deal" of drunk professionals step into Plan B and join the Killer Bees. We are as exciting as a night on Andy's porch with Aunt Bea and Opie but we do spike our lemonade. "Mmmmmm Mmmmm Aunt Bea, that's good lemonade. Aint that good lemonade Op?"

It sure is Paw. Can we go fishing after we wake up from our hang overs?

LOL...I'm not much of a drinker but from time to time I'll have a sip! or two or three! LOL

I guess I could join in the fun a time or two...LOL...I'm usually the DD!

Rin,

There's no legal limit on the internet. Drink all you want!

but remember, Tequila makes her clothes fall off.

Well I never know when I post if I'll get some stones thrown at me- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think with my ex it would have gone a long way into making me feel better if he would have ever said "I forgive you" when I asked for forgiveness, that's all.

CW,

I'm not a stone thrower. It is almost impossible to offend me. It's just not im my nature. I appreciate all the advice I get on this forum, even the stuff I don't agree with.

But in your case I agree with you and will heed your advice.

Thanks

Okay, just a few! More! LOL

Been busy. Quick update.

I had my session with SH and spokw with my A Thu.

A is getting the paperwork together and will have it ready Mon. I am filing temporary sole with joint domicilary permanent. If WW ever demonstrates some stability and gets over the suicide thougts I will go back to 50/50 as long as I am domicilary. I'm sure the judge will want a psyc eval to. he//, I want a psyc eval.

My session with SH was good. I wanted to make sure I was handling this right and for the most part I am. He wants me to make it clear that the D is strictly a legal manuver to protect DS. That way the doors still open to M recovery if WW ever gets there. He has a lot more hope than I do, but I will heed his advice. There are aome things like the brainwashing that I don't know if I can get over. That stuff was pure evil. That goes way beyond FOG thinking.

I think what's doing me in is that for a long time WW was textbook, well somewhere along the way she stopped being textbook and I have lost hope. I don't think I can risk being manipulated anymore. I guess time will tell.

Anyway, my spirits are up again despite the current sitch. Having DS back and knowing he is safe has picked me up a great deal. If I get the legal protection I want then I will feel even better.

Me and DS have been cutting up all morning and we have some good stuff planned for the weekend so WE will be pleasantly distracted for now.

Talk to ya'll later.

Hey BC--

Sorry--I'm a Pacific Northwester, and here at the ocean's coast we don't have "domicilary." What does that mean? Something like "where he lives"? Do you mean you're going for sole decision-making with joint living arrangements? Like, you are the only one who can make legal decisions for your son, but right now, he can visit back and forth with her? Or do you mean you're going for sole decision-making and sole living with you--and he can have supervised visits with her?

Sorry--I just don't understand the terms: "temporary sole with joint domicilary permanent." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Your faithful friend,


CJ

I think you got it about right CJ. Until WW gets it together I want sole custody with supervised visitation. Once I feel DS is safe with WW then I want 50/50 custody, but I am the deciding factor when it comes to DS. I want that mostly so she can't leave the state with DS. She's made threats about moving to TX or NH with DS in tow. She thinks she can just take him and leave.

But, that's for the judge to decide. So here I am hoping and praying for the best once again. Meanwhile, DS is sound asleep in his firetruck bed protected from all the garbage going on his parents lives and that's just how I want it.

I wish it would have been that way all along.

BC,
Good luck, you seem like a good father. I cannot imagaine what you are going through.

I am happy to see that you are taking your DS into account, and not letting him be with her. So often you hear of people that say, "oh, he should just be with their father, or mother" when they should not be.

Good luck to you, I am praying for you, and for everything to go in your favor with the judge! Stay strong!

Sadmo

HI...I'm trying to wind my self down to head to bed...just wanted to check on you and see how you're doing...

You sound like you're in a great place...Good to know... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I can say from my own experience and CJ can back me up, that there will be bad days and good days...please remember that should you feel guilty about your plan of action that this is not YOUR guilt...THIS is a consequence of WS's actions...

I know for me that I had to get out before I started hating STBX...I was running in the red for so long that I could see that happening...

I had to laugh today...I was thinking that "Yeah, I'm in Plan B, NO, I'm not I'm in PLan D with complete darkness." Plan B the WS knows that there's a way home...there IS NO WAY home as far as I'm concerned to much water under the bridge...

I think that you will make an AWESOME single dad! Keep up the great work and have a good weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your support Sadmo,
I am one that believes that in times like these the children should get all the love they can from both parents. I want WW to be as big a apart of DS's life as she can be. I don't want DS to feel like he's part of the problem. I don't want DS to be a pawn in this sick game. I want him to know his parents love him and I want him to have peace and stablilty in his life. I just have to protect him as much as possible. I didn't have to deal with this garbage as a child at it's killing me that he's been forced to. I'm doing everything in my power to soften the blow. Wish me luck!

Rin,
I'm doing good, but I don't know if I'm in a Great Place. That's what my goal is though and that's where I'm trying to head.
I don't think I feel guilty about much these days. I've finally come to accept that I didn't ask for this. I've been backed into a corner and forced to make decisions with imperfect information. I have been forced to make choices and decisions that I don't want to make, so if I don't get it exactly right I'm OK with that. I tried my best under the most horrible circumstances and I will accept the outcome regardless of what that is. I'm not talking about the immdiate outcome neither, I'm talking about the final outcome. I won't stop fighting until I'm either satisfied or out of options. Then I will rest.
As far as plans go. I'm in Plan BC And DS. I think you're in Plan Rin, F and L. That's exactly where we should be.
So feel good about that.

On another note

DS made out like a bandit this weekend. He got a ton of stuff for Easter and played non stop from Fri to Sun in 2 different cities. He heard how cute he was 10 million times (I counted) So the distractions this weekend did us a lot of good. WW did call Sun afternoon, but DS didn't want to talk to her. Mickey Mouse Clubhouse was more important. 3 year olds have their priorities.

So I feel good today.

Hope everyone else does too.

Later

I am very impressed with the way that you are handling things...you should pat yourself on the back from time to time...

Understandably a difficult sitch, but I have to give you your props! Bravo!

Yeap, I like my plan...life is so much more happier...I like this unknown better than the unknown with STBX...lol

I feel like I can duck and dodge the [email]cr@p[/email] balls that life throws at you better! LOL

I think that I only have one area of self control that "I" really need to work on...I think the others will improve as the stress decreases...

I'm trying hard to laugh more these days...I think it suits me well!

I know that you are concerned about DS, but I have to say that he's pretty strong himself and that's to your benefit...he was not about to tolerate being brainwashed and just from my experience as a kid...it's really hard to make a child not love the other parent, no matter what someone else says...

I was nine or ten when my grandmom really started talking bad about my mom in front of me...at least that was the first time I remember...

Kids are so resilent...amazing little creature...and he's got some great support from you and your family! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Reading your story, I think she was textbook most of the way. The oddity is that she broke down. I heard my wife made mention of suicide a few times earlier in the process, I think suicidal "mentionings" are quite common in our stories at some point or another. When the OP leaves the WS, when the WS realizes the mess they are in, etc, etc.

I see more hope in your story than you do. Keep the door open, eh? I agree with SH. (That's easy to do)

Ditto: You have done very well in all of this. You kicked [censored] in your story and stepped up like a man as father to your son. I'm extremely proud of you, happy for you, and hopeful that I'll read down the road that you are ALL back together as a family. A healthy one.

BC,
chin up! my FWH was in the psych ward twice while I was in Plan B...and then when he hit rock bottom...he asked to come home. as per CJ's list for coming out of Plan B--he was pretty much on target. and now, we're in Recovery...
so--there IS hope! (I agree with SH)
hugs,
cgw

Thanks Jay and cgw,
Somebody needs to have some hope for us. I'm actually going through some anger for WW right now. I guess it's general frustration for the entire situation. I'm glad she's in NH right now because I really don't want to see or hear from her right now. I don't know how long that will last, but in La it takes a year for the D to finalize so I've got some time to get through this. I'm really to the point to where I'm not making any more effort until/if she comes to me. I don't see myself asking for reconciliation any more. I'm not in Plan B because OM is history. For the next year I'm going to move foward in my life and if she wants in she'll have to ask.

I don't know what's going to happen when she gets served, especially if I get temporary sole custody. She's not the kind to accept her responsibilty. She'll probably feel entitled and seek revenge. I don't know. I don't even want to speculate. I just want this week to be over.

I'm going to the A after lunch to sign papers and pay my retainer. I hope to have my custody petition approved by Fri. Then I get to wait and see how WW reacts when she gets back from NH. Right now she thinks she will have DS this weekend.

If you can't tell in my writing I'm all over the place in my head. Trying to figure out what's right, what's best for all parties.

I know it's all normal. I'm just tring to find my feet after getting sucker punched.

2X4- not best for ALL parties...just YOU and DS...when we use the word all we are speaking from our inner child...

LOL...granted I know that you are in touch with that part of you but in this case you need to live in your adult self and just consider yourself and DS...

Yes, you are right these are normal feelings...this IS a difficult time for you...please remember one day at a time...not the end of the week, not even tomorrow...

Okay, today I am signing papers...picking up DS from daycare, and doing whatever TODAY has...

I found that with myself even when I focused on the next day I was sometimes hurting myself...I DO have a tendency to live in the future something I am trying to correct...doing this only creates more anxiety for ME...

I'm not saying that is your case, but if it is only you have the power to be at more peace with yourself...

Another trap that you may find yourself in is the guilt trap...please do not take on guilt that is not your own...You have stated that he feel you have been forced into this sitch in order to protect yourself and your DS...This is (an you can 2X4 me later for repeating, b/c I know you KNOW this) a consequence of her actions...

Own your own anger, depression, happiest, whatever...when you start to feel something new ask yourself: Where is this coming from? Be true to yourself and you will be less likily to sabbotage yourself in the long run...

YOU'RE a smart, intelligence guy...YOU have done some good work...be cautioned about self-doubt...I have battled that problem for years...KNOW in your heart that you are doing the right thing...TRUST yourself...you've made it THIS far...

LMAO...YOU must be doing something right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Breathe, and stay focused on the goal...recenter! K?

http://www.relationshipjourney.com/divstage.html

Just a little sumthin! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the 2 x 4 Rin,
I think I was going through the self doubt about following through. I just got back from the A and I feel much better now that it is done. I'll probably still be a little messed up until she is served, but I'm much better now than I have been since yesterday when the weekend high wore off.

I think I'll be fine once all the legal stuff is rolling and I can go back to my typical day to day routine.

Anyway, I'm off to the gym for some therapy and then going pick up DS.

I'll post some more later
Have a good evening

Well, I'm glad that you felt better...I agree I was a mess until STBX got served...it was REALLy hard when I was still in the house with him waiting on that day!

If I understand right, you are nervous b/c you are assuming what HER reaction will be? Do you fear what she may do? Our fear is usualy WAY out there in comparsion to what ACTUALLY happens...speaking from experience...LOL...and lots of it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're right, you will be fine...it's a matter of attitude and we're all scared of change whether it's good or bad!

I have faith in you...YOU are doing SO great! I also want to applaude you for taking some time for yourself yesterday to go work out...I think that you are really aware of what you need and are exercising great self-care!

Keep up the great work!

Oh, no serious advice for me these days? What's up with that! HUH? HUH? HUH? LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I smiled at you!

I was just joking! I had to pick on you today...it was perfect..the clouds were perfectly alinged with the tree outside which sits in front of the door, next to house...

Since that was all set up, I chose to pick on YOU today!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well we wouldn't want to disrupt the space/time continuam.

If we learned anything from Back to the Future it was that.

Oh...and the Flux capaciter is what makes time travel possible...also goo to know

I'll answer your actual post later. I actually have a little work to get done.

Send F I can use him today. Can he work a P-touch label maker?

He's easily trainable...probably works harder than some adults...

He was helping build fences with his Grandpa at 4, carring fence posts, four at a time...he's a great helper...LOL...when he wants too!

this morning he's making airplanes...big project...running outside to see if they fly...LOL...I'm not sure that he'll meet the deadline...you know stressful work building planes!

He's opting out of labeling for me this morning...

Well at least we know the future of air travel is in good hands..LOL

I was hoping to hear from my A this afternoon. There's still time, but I'm getting anxious. A is supposed to run my sole custody exporte past the judge today.

It be nice to know sooner rather than later.

((((BC))))

I can relate to the anxiety that you are feeling...Breathe, and try to relax...like it was asked to me in the past by LA...what's a rush ever got you?

YOU will be fine...breathe...take it minute by minute...you are dealing with OP on this...OP have there own agents(sick kids, sick parents, whatever)...problems in there life...just mentioned that in case it wasn't today...LOL...remember my judge went on vacation!

So, minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day...whatever it takes...

You are NOT going to have trouble with this...but if I'm understanding you correctly you won't feel better until you have it in writing...that's the way I feel about it too...

YOU are his primary care giver...you bathe him, you feed him...come on B, just like me, you got this... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Have faith in the God of your understanding! There was a saying that STBX's GM use to say..."God takes care of babies, old folks, and fools."

LMAO...JJ...You got that covered on two ends! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I might be a Coullion, but I'm no fool!....wait a minute....nevermind

breathing....relaxing....understanding my God

Watch out, don't relax to much...you're at work! LMAO

I've been hearing this song on the radio a lot and stumbled on the accoustic version which is even better.

It could be the BS national anthem. Hits home pretty hard.

Foo Fighters - Times Like These

Lyrics:

I, I'm a one-way motorway
I'm the road that drives away
Follows you back home

I, I'm a streetlight shining
I'm a white light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I, I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky to hang
The stars upon tonight

I, I'm a little divided
Should I stay or run away
Leave it all behind

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

OUTSTANDING! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

A called. Judge sitting on paperwork. Scared to sign it. Doesn't like Temp Sole Custody Exporte's. A says he'll probably sign, but not until next week. She says its common for them to hold off until they know they can get a quick hearing since the order is only good for 10 days. I don't understand it all, but basically I'm screwed for this weekend.

Now I have to try and convince WW to not take DS for the weekend and visit him at home or let me stay with them this weekend.

If that doesn't work I'll have to decide if she's a big enough risk for me to hide DS. That's not such an easy decision. DS is starting to ask about her. I want him to see her, I want her to see him. Has the trip done her enough good. Has she gotten over OM enough to be safe. I don't know. Do I start WW3 over this. I don't think she would harm DS. I'm worried about her having another break down or worse.

A says law won't get invovled without a court order. I may just leave work at lunch tomorrow and go get DS before she gets in. She can't legally take him from me without a court order either. As long as I have him he's safe. The law won't get involved.

Calgon take me away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

OKay...I before E...If I'm hearing you right, you are emotional right now...

Do not make this harder on yourself than it has to be...you have every right to be upset, however, you need a plan...

Have you already agreed that she would visit with him this weekend? What about picking him up like you said and going to your mom's for the weekend? Didn't she agree to the supervised visitation before she left when her mom was there?

You can do this, look innocent and come out smelling like a "red" rose...

I agreed to her having him this weekend only in that it's her weekend in our current custody agreement which is verbal.

She never agreed to supervised visitation. When we discussed it she dropped the subject when I wouldn't budge. Started rambling about our CD collection.

Looking innocent is not going to be easy since I've had DS for 3 weeks now. To accidentally go to Houma the day she comes back from a week long trip is a gamble in court. A doesn't seem to be all that worried about it, so it might not be such a gamble other than that DS is starting to ask about her. Do I deny him visitation with his mommy.

What I'm having trouble figuring out is if she's a big enough risk to go through all that and start a war.

I think I'll call my A tomorrow and see what looks better for court. I think I should have that info before I decide what to do.

I've got to protect DS, but I don't want to shoot myself in the foot either.

How serious do I take her ramblings from 2 weeks ago, the day after being released. She's had a week with her mom and a week with her dad and all of NH family.

I've got till tomorrow to decide. I'm need to put it all on the table so I can look at it. That will be my assignment for tonight.

A also mentioned calling her and talking about it. If she knows what I am doing she may not want to risk her chances in court by doing something stupid.

Just getting my thoughts out. I know it's all jumbled.

The 3 of you go to a park ....

son can play with Mommie ... while you *ahem* read a book from a bench (watching)

bring balls
toys
bubbles
balloons
ice-cream money
sidewalk chalk
trike

you supervise without interfering

would this work?

Pep

BC,

It's hard to tell what state of mind your WW will be in, so prepare for each one, okay?

If she is cooperative and wants to see DS, you might suggest that it would be best FOR ALL INVOLVED if there was supervision--that way she gets her visit and someone else can confirm how she did or did not behave -AND- someone can keep an eye on him for safety for your concerns.

If she is cooperative and willing to wait until next weekend, go for that.

If she is NOT cooperative, I would suggest a supervisor WHOM YOU TRUST (probably not her parents because they are in denial with her). Document this. It will show your willingness to reach an arrangement for visitation, her unwillingness to cooperate, and the steps you took to protect DS.

If she is NOT cooperative and belligerent, I would not even bother to drop him off at daycare tomorrow. Call in sick, head to "the coast" or "the mountains" or some place and just be gone for the weekend. However, document your attempt to reach visitation arrangements, and document her lack of cooperation and belligerence.

No matter what happens or why this weekend, do your best to document everything that happened, everything that was said, and WHY you reached the decision you did. If you can, tape or video tape.

Finally, follow the advice of your A and use your own good sense. You know WW better than any of us here, and I suspect there is some part of you that can tell when you need to protect your son from her. When that little voice whispers inside you, though, listen to it--don't just tell it to shush.

(((((BC)))))

Your faithful friend,


CJ

I really think you need to be honest with her. I would just tell her that you are worried and unsettled because of her suicide attempt, and you don't know what is going through her mind. Let her know that you would feel more at ease if she visited son at your place. Suggest doing something together.

Hi BC, I don't think I've ever posted on your thread before. But this thread is right up my alley. Legal stuff. I have to ask you though, when you say Temp Sole Custody Exporte, do you actually mean you're asking for temporary sole custody ex parte?

If that's the case, what it means is that you're going to the judge without the other party in the case (your wife) and asking him to make a ruling concerning custody of your son. The other party isn't being given a chance to respond in their defense.

If that's the case, at least in Texas, your attorney had to provide sufficient evidence to prove that a ruling of that nature is in the best interest of your child. That's usually by sworn testimony, an affidavit, etc.

The reason I'm concerned is because if you do cave this weekend and allow her to have him unsupervised, then any "evidence" will be moot or she can come back and say well Judge I must not be that scary or why did he let me have him last weekend. See what I mean? You'd have to start from square one. I'd check with your A about this.

Thanks for all the advice. I like hearing more options. Helps with decision making.

PM,
That's what I'm filing. I didn't know what it meant or how to spell it. Thanks for the info.
If I negotiate supervised visitation this weekend and she agrees and then manages to take DS some kind of way against our agreement, Does that hurt her defense? Does that go my way in court?
Once she has him I can't go get him so that would be a done deal until I manage to get him back.

Also,
If I run with him for the weekend, in state, because she won't agree to supervised visitation, can that be held against me or does it show I'm serious about supervised visitation.

I want to heed A and believer's advice about talking to her about this. I'm just worried about the consequences if she plays me.

Haven't heard from A so it doesn't look like ex-parte is going to be signed this week.

WW never called so I guess she must have somebody else picking her from the airport.

I'm going to leave work at lunch and go pick up DS and bring him home. That should increase my chances of keeping him tonight and hopefully this weekend. She's going to have to come to my house to see him which will make it harder to take him.

I will try to discuss everything with her. If this goes sour and she tries to grab DS and leave I don't know what I can do. If I physically try to stop her then I'm looking at assult. I can't afford to let that happen.

Any advice on how to handle this without getting myself in trouble. Is verbal negotiation my only option?

Thanks

Can you try negotitation BEFORE she comes to the house? That way you can avoid anything physical...

Also, what about having him stay with one of the neighbors and play this afternoon when she comes over...you could get that letter done like I did...said that only you can pick him up from the friends...I think that it would work in that case...

More prove that you are trying to protect DS...

Just some random thoughts... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't think a letter with the nieghbors really holds any water legally, but if he's on their property and I'm on their property then they can have her removed from their property. The police will not take DS from me since there is nothing legal between us. I may have to go that route if the neighbors are willing. If not I could do the same thing with my parents. I don't think I can do it at home since her name is on the house too. It's legally her property.

Negotiating with her before is an option if I can get in touch with her.

We'll see

I just read this whole thread and have to say that you, BetrayedCajun, are one very amazing, mature young man. In one afternoon, I watched you progress thru he!! and grow stronger. I know that it took longer that that in reality...

Even after all this time, I still wonder if Waywards knew what was waiting for them, would they still do it?

Your story isnt' over yet here, but it does make my heart warm to see that even tho we may not get the happy ending we hoped for, we can still be OK in the end.

You are living proof of that.

Who

BC:

I've not posted to you and I've not read this entire thread...just picked up the last part...

Why do you have to be home at all? I would suggest that you just go somewhere else with your son and not answer her calls. Leave her a message and tell her something that son and you wanted to do came up and she can have visitation next weekend. If you are truly truly worried about his safety and her running with him...maybe it's best to just leave with him for the weekend. After what it sounds like she did two weeks ago, I think any Judge would sit up and take notice of the mental instability...

If your A isn't worried about you not giving her visitation, then I wouldn't chance it. I'd rather face the Judge than have an Amber alert issued...KWIM?

I don't know anything about Louisiana law, but if no written Court ordered visitation is in place, then there is no visitation rights per say -- other than reasonable under the circumstances...

hope this helps.

Oh, and have a friend present. We've had some members here that faced trumped up charges and a restraining order. Be very careful of something like that.

Thanks Everybody!!

She called from Atlanta, she'll be in tonight sometime and has every intention of taking DS for the weekend. I asked if we could talk about it. She said NO. I am taking DS, it is my right. I told her how I felt about it and she said that she is fine now and she was taking DS. I said OK. I won't be hear when you get home. Then I hung up.

I called the sheriff's dept. I told them the sitch and they said there's nothing she can do if I leave with DS for the weekend. There will be NO AMBER ALERT. I am fully protected.

So I am leaving in a few minutes.

I don't know if I will be able to post until I get back, So everybody hope and pray.

I want everybody to know that I absolutely LOVE each and every one of you. Thanks for all of your help.

God, Please help me and DS. Amen.

GOOD FOR YOU! I AM VERY PROUD OF THE WAY THAT YOU ARE PROTECTING DS.

I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!

BC,

My thoughts and prayers will be with you and DS day and night. Clearly she is not "fine now" and clearly she is in denial, so even though it may seem scary, tell yourself over and over and over again that you are doing the right thing.

You are doing the right thing.

You are!

No, I mean it! You are doing the right thing.

As much as you can, try to document WHY you chose to be away this weekend--not "emotionally" but "factually" like for a court of law. Don't be DS's daddy in your documentation...or STBXW's BH...just be a court reporter. This occurred--this occurred--therefore I did this.

Finally, I know it's impossible but try to have fun with your DS this weekend. You will be protected by God's ministering angels.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

We're home and everything is OK.

I got my miracle Fri afternoon. A called at 5:30. Judge signed the sole custody ex-parte. I was almost to my mom's when I got the call so me and DS spent the weekend anyway.

I came back this afternoon and called WW and told her the ex-parte was signed and that I had temporary legal sole custody.

Any body want to guess what her response was? I knew exactly what it would be and she did not disapoint. This is exactly what she said,

"Why are you doing this to me!!"

So I asked her if she was coming and this was her second pricelss but sad response. This is also exactly what she said,

"Well I have to, I've got laundry to do!!"

You want to laugh at this stuff, but it actually makes me want to cry and I'm about to tell you why. DS doesn't see her as much more than somebody he knows now. Wasn't happy to see her, played with her a little, but not much love or affection. When she left he didn't want to give her a hug or say gooddbye. He got confused and scared and cried for daddy and wouldn't let go of my leg. While she was here WW wanted to watch a video with him and he refused to sit with her. He wanted to sit with daddy.

There is NO satisfaction in any of this. I am relieved about the custody and sick to my stomach that WW has come to this with DS. I have never seen anything like it and this is not good or healthy for DS. It's going to take time to rebuild the relationship between DS and WW. The only way it will happen is if she makes the effort. I can't tell at this point if she's going to try. DS is very confused with his feelings for mommy and it scares me.

WW left with tears in her eyes and in a huff giving me the evil eye at the same time. I don't think she'll ever stop playing the victum.

She never really talked to me the whole time she was here. She didn't ask to see him again. She didn't ask for any info about custody. She did her laundry and left. There is no way in he11 that she is fine and I know that I made the right decision.

I want to thank everyone again for all the love, support, and prayers. It definatley appears that God is looking out for me.

If WW would just ask I know he would look out for her too.

Good to hear that things went okay this afternoon...

I just want to mention one thing...it was recommended to me that I not contact STBX to prove what effort he will put out to contact his kids...kind of let him hang himself thing...

Just a suggestion to help ensure that you get Primary Dom...

I understand about the R between WW and DS, I have the same problem with F adn STBX...that's his problem, not mine...in the past I told WH and would try to be the peacemaker...I can't allow myself to do that anymore...it's not my responsiblity...

Just sharing my experience and hoping that it helps in some way...

You're doing great...I'm sorry that you are having to go through this...

(((((BC))))

BC-
I am so glad that everything turned out ok this weekend for you. You are being an AMAZING dad, do NOT ever forget that.

You are putting the best interest of your child in front of everything, and you are providing him with LOVE and SUPPORT, and I commend you for that.

GREAT JOB!

I am also proud of you for doing what you needed to do to protect DS.

You are still being a reasonable person to your WW, and if she ever is better emotionally, which I am sure that she will be, she will be able to see her son more, or on her own. It will not be as strained between her and your DS. It will get better.

You are doing great, I just had to tell you! Pat yourself on the back!

Sadmo

Rin,
You're absolutely right. I'm not going to initiate any contact between WW and DS. She will have to call or stop by to see him. I'll do whatever I can to get them together, but she will have to make an effort. I can't force her to be a mother.

Sadmo,
Thanks for the support. I am being as reasonable as possible. I want DS to spend time with WW. I keep telling her that DS needs both of us. Hopefully overtime she will get better and life can go on for all of us.

Who,
I didn't forget about you. I was reading your post when WW called from Atlanta. I then had to get a plan and get outa dodge pretty quick.

I am OK. Other than WW I really don't have anything to complain about. Thanks for the kind words.

I've been at the court house all morning. I've got my paperwork and have already given a copy to DC. Now I'm at home for lunch and will be leaving in a few minutes to hand deliver orders to the sheriff's dept for serving WW. She might get served today.

It feels so good to know that me and DS are protected legaly. I'm calm today.

Oh Rin,
My hearing's on the 26th. I think I got you beat. It's just for the temp custody though. The D hearing is May 04.
I guess nobody's on vacation over here.

I am so thankful to hear that you got your miracle on Friday and that you and DS are legally safe. Further, I am so saddened to hear WW's response. When will some of these WS's ever get it that it's NOT ABOUT THEM??? *sigh*

Okay, BC--now the clock is tickin'. You have about 10 DAYS to get your legal ducks in a row about why YOU should get permanent sole custody and not WW. You know her better than anyone might...and you never know...she might get a "sick cahoney's" lawyer over this. So, between now and next Thursday, you are going to have to document everything. If you have a calendar, you can recreate a lot of it from your posts here on MB. Just do like I tell Strivn--be FACTUAL and write it like a court reporter. Note times and conditions and that's about it. If your neighbors who told you her weirdness are willing, either have them make a notarized statement or put them on your witness list. The psychiatrist's notes (from the suicide attempt) can be subpoena'ed. Any counselor's notes too. See--a counselor can not just hand HER medical info over to you due to confidentiality, but if they are compelled to do so by a court via subpoena, then they are required to give a copy to the court...and the court will give one copy to your side and one to her side.

I know it may at times feel like you are attacking her personally, but she is clearly in denial about her continuing mental instability and you NEED to protect your DS. You are not making it so she can never see her son--you are making it so your son is safe when he does see his mom!! BIG DIFFERENCE!!!

Keep going, BC. You are doing the right thing!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Darn, you got me...

CJ, I'm glad you reinteriated the documenting...I didn't want to harp on the subject...

I'll be praying for you and DS...

Take care and I'm glad that you are peaceful today!

Keep up the good work!

Well I know what my homework is for the next 10 days. Thanks for drilling me about documentation CJ and Rin.
I'll get started tonight.

I'll also get with my A and see about subpoenaing her medical and IC records.

I dropped off the citation at the sheriff's dept at about 1:30. She should be served today or tomorrow.

I'll keep you posted

Looking forward to the update...Godspeed in getting her served and on to the next step...

Do you know that 9 is my favorite number? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, lucky for you that's how many days you have to court!

Hurray!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I have ten!

I need a weekend so that it can go by faster! LMAO

I'm feeling better today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well I know she didn't get served yesterday b/c she called me at 5 yesterday between her IC and her A consult. She just wanted me to know that this is all my fault and I'm only doing this to hurt her, not to protect DS, b/c I hate her and want to destroy her. I am the one who is hurting DS by doing this horrible thing to him and I am the one brainwashing him and making him not want to be with her. Nothing she did hurt DS b/c he is only 3 and won't remember any of it, but what I am doing apparently will.

Oh, and what I am doing is unforgivable and she went into her old fog babble reasons for US being a mistake. She says that I just don't get her.

and once she was done she wanted me to know that she doesn't want to argue with me.

These were my replies even though I still can't figure out why I even engaged with this lunatic.

I am doing this only to protect DS. YOU decided that DS didn't need a mother. YOU decided that DS would be better off without you. YOU tried to KILL yourself. Now YOU have changed your mind and want me to handover DS like nothing ever happened. THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Then I told her that if she wanted to talk about unforgivable acts then I needed to play catch up b/c I was way behind. Referering to her unforgivable rant and our R rant I said, "Didn't I file for divorce? Why does any of this matter anymore? Haven't I conceded that we're through?"

Then she went on a tirade about me being an A-hole and a Jack A$$ of a H and all I want to do is hurt her.

I said again "Didn't I file for Divorce? Why are we discussing this?"

She couldn't let it go. She's trying to use hurting me as a weapon, but she can't do it anymore and she's lost that control.

Then she starting crying and playing the victum.

Then she hung up.

I've noticed a pattern in our communication. This is how it works.

1. High and Mighty Selfish Entitlement. When that doesn't work.

2. Angry tirade spewing the most vial garbage she can muster. When that doesn't work.

3. Complete emotional breakdown. Crying, Playing the victum.
Why Me. What have I done to deserve this. When that doesn't work.

4. Hang Up

That's been most of our conversations over the last 4 months. Same thing everytime.

Again, I never lost my temper. I never hollered are called her names. I stuck to my guns. The only thing I gave her this time b/c she kept hounding me about what I thought of her was this.

I said, "WW, you are the most selfish human being that I have ever met. I loved you despite that for all these years and I still love you today. If you want to add adjectives to that then knock yourself out."

Well, believe me she added plenty of adjectives about how I felt about her. I wouldn't disagree with her, but I wasn't going to say it myself. I just told her those were her words, not mine. She has my offical statement of how I feel about her.

So yet another completely unproductive conversation with WW. It hurt. I was in tears last night after I put DS down. I can't stand to see her like this and I can't completely ignore all the horrible names she calls me.

I know, or at least I hope, that sooner or later she will realize that she can't control me anymore and will stop trying. Once the court has decided how this will be handled there won't be anything left to argue about.

I've decided if she does this again I will cut off contact with her for a while. I don't need this crap anymore.

I just want to move on with my life and make the best of it.

Glad you're feeling better Rin. I'm alright today. I talked to God last night. Told him what was on my mind. Cried a little.

Today is a new day. It's awsome outside. I'll probably go play at the wearhouse later so I can open it up and enjoy the weather. Crank up the radio and organize some eqpt. Drink a beer if there's any in the icebox.

I love working for a mom and pop! Who else can do that at work!

Have a good day!

BC-
You know what advice was given to me when my WH was being mean on the phone? Just hang up. Hang up on THEM. It takes away their power over you. She is still seeing it as power for her when she engages you. You should just calmly tell her that you are not going to be verbally abused by her, and hang up. You will feel better about it. She will learn then that you are not her...whipping post. You know what I mean?

Sorry you had a tough night. It must be hard. You are doing the right thing, do not let her sway you. DS is worth it! You are absolutely doing the right thing!

Good luck!
Sadmo

Hi, BC...i am SOOO sorry that you had a bad night...

I agree with Sadmo...I had to set a boundary with STBX...I would only talk to him about the kids and finances...

This is protection for me...

It will get easier...please do not allow yourself to believe what the WS says...know in your heart what is true...trust yourself to know that you are a good person...

You are doing the best that you can and from what I've seen you are a wonderful dad and person...

You're on the right path! Smile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with Sadmo and Strivn, BC~~

There is no reason that your precious heart needs to hear anything other than, "I am responsible for my actions. I made horrible choices that have hurt you and DS irrevocably. And I am sorry." If those are not the words you hear coming out of WW's mouth, I suggest that you interrupt and say, "I no longer need to listen to your tirades since you chose to leave. Either stop being verbally abusive right now or I will hang up." If she continues, hang up. OTOH, if she sputters and then stops being verbally abusive...if she speaks to you with respect...then you continue listening.

Let me give you a quick example. What if it was Rin on the phone instead of your WW--or me? Would you EVER find it acceptable for either one of us to speak to you like she does? Would you accept a person who does not love you and is a friend of yours or neighbor to speak to you that way? No. Then neither should she. Expect and accept only what you would accept from the girl at the grocery checkout or the lady at the bank: respect with detachment. Anything else is unacceptable and all you have to say is, "You are being verbally abusive when you call me names and I no longer accept that in my life. Either stop it or I will hang up."

((BC)) You can do this!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

(Edited to add)
P.S. Uh, BC. Did you document this phone call? On your calendar, I would write something like: "5pm Phone call from WW. She wanted to know 'why I was doing this to her', then called names and was verbally abusive, broke down emotionally, then hung up." This documents her entitlement, her abusive/selfish side, her instability, and her inability to co-parent.

I am SO sorry I missed your reply to me about last weekend! I would of told you the same as others did. It's awesome how that worked out.

The advice above by CJ is right ON! Document, document, document without the emotional stuff. Just one thing though, on the confidential records, the judge may or may not hand over a copy to your side but he could use it in his ruling.

Good luck on your hearing!

I love these forums! It has been such a good source of support for me.

BC, I've been following your story and have been inspired by it. Seeing what you're going through now is definitely preparing me for my upcoming D that I had to reluctantly file to preempt WW's attempt at gaining custody of my kids.

God Bless you, and know that you are in my prayers!

Thanks Sadmo and Rin,

N/C with WW since Mon afternoon. She hasn't come by to see DS at all and I'm sure she won't tonight since she has weight watchers on Wed's. She's doing me a favor by staying silent, but once again DS suffers.

CJ and PM,
I've documented back about a month so far. I'll be working on it some more this afternoon. I REALLY appreciate the legal advice. That stuff isn't cheap. The benefits of this forum are infinite.

Thanks for checking in everybody!

CJ, CJ...BC must be being his homework tonight...

He's awefully quiet today!

Either that or watching Clara and Hethcliff again!

Brushing up on his expert knowledge!

What you think?

Nope. BC was at home listening to his WW cave in.

She had her first appointment with her attorney and I take it he told her she doesn't have a case. Advised her to settle custody before the hearing. We didn't work it out tonight, but I'm thinking I want a month after the hearing with no emotional breakdowns or attempts and I would be satisfied to go back to joint. I'll call my A tomorrow and discuss this evenings events.

She was very cooperative. We had a rational discussion about the divorce and custody. She has definately been humbled. I'm sure her attorney gave her the medicine she needed b/c this was not the woman that I have been dealing with the last 4 months. Even if it was an act to get it together for court it was nice all the same.

She came clean with more details about some of the stuff that's happened and what she's feeling and going through.
Still some fog left behind, but a month later she see's the affair for what it was and can't believe she let it happen and can't believe the things she did.

She's coming back tomorrow and wants me and DS to sleep at her apartment Sat night. (I had told her before that I would stay at her place if she wanted DS for the night when I was trying to explain that I wasn't trying to take DS from her) I'm a man of my word so me and DS will be staying at her apartment Sat night. I guess I get to crash on my sofa one last time.

So finally a pleasant experience with WW. I'm not even going to try to read into any of it. I did see some positive things though. When I looked in her eyes I saw a person again, not a zombie. When she was leaving she hugged me. I felt something. It wasn't empty and lifeless. If she really did drop her weapons maybe she's turning back into a human.

Oh, tomorrow I'll be going into Jan with documentation.
Don't worry, I'm still getting ready for worse case scenario.

I've got to turn out the lights. I'll post more tomorrow.

Good night.

Wow, BC, that sounds pretty positive, if not downright encouraging. But I agree with your cautious approach.

Hang in there. You're doing great! Keep up the good work.

Just wanted to drop by and let you know that I'm here rooting for you BC. It does sound like your WW is slowly 'dropping her weapons' and floating slowly down back to earth.

I wish you nothing but the best as always- but most importantly, peace.

VS

BC, practicing caution is definitely your best bet. The signs that your WW are showing are in the right realm, but you need more. It will be good for your DS to spend some time with mommy, too.

I hope you have a quiet, uneventful weekend.

My question from experience with my own sitch is: How long will THIS last?

I wish you well, and I already know that you'll take care of DS, no doubt about that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I hope you have a quiet, uneventful weekend.

You hit it right on the head SL. That's exactly what I want. It's been months since I had one without drama.

WW was good with DS last night too and guess what, DS responded to her. imagine that. I am in awe at the intelligence and understanding that DS has demonstrated through all this. I haven't said a word about anything, but he gets it. He's figured this all out on his own. He knows when mommy's sincere and when she's not.

Another sign of DS's intelligence. Yesterday he was playing and I heard him say what sounded like George Bush. I said DS what did you say? He responded President George Bush. He just turned three. Yes, I'm bragging.LOL

SD and Vince,
Thanks fellas. Nice to get some men back on my thread. I was starting to feel like a hair dresser (spending my days gossiping with the girls) (not that I haven't enjoyed the attention) (Hey Ladies "Comment T'apre Fair?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Any way. I'll be busy at work the next couple a days so I'll post when I can. No internet at the wearhouse.

Have a good day.

If she's playin, I figure it will last until the day after the hearing.

If not, hopefully forever. She's very selfish. I'm really wondering if the fog that's left is just her selfishness and not really fog.

Time will tell.

Now don't dismiss our Mayberry Skit.

BC, I know I have not posted here very often but I have followed your whole story and read every post since you registered. You have been terrific through the whole unbelievable mess. I hope the new change to the situation turns the corner for you but I know you are too wise to have a main street parade celebration yet. Good job. Stay strong.

See you in Mrs. CJ's Detention Hall

Roger Chris,

I'll bring the water balloons.

If we get expelled I'll show you how to make whipped cream bombs out of shot gun shells. old neighborhood favorite.

remind me to remove the bb's!!

BC,

You know, I have thought of probably 100 ways to respond to this latest update...all of them very wise and sage sounding (heehee--NOT!). I think rather than make this into a big thing and tell you what I guess WW is thinking and where this might lead and how it will all turn out (cuz that's just predicting the future anyway), I have decided to just accept it for what it is: ONE GOOD NIGHT WITH WW FOR BOTH YOU AND DS.

Who knows? This may have been an anomaly and you will never get another. On the other hand, this could also be a sign of the beginning of some growth and maturity. Sometimes a person has to really attend the school of hard knocks to grow up! But whatever it was, it was ONE GOOD NIGHT FOR BOTH YOU AND DS and for that, I am deciding to celebrate.

Break out the water balloons and spit wads, cuz it's boys against the girls in a Silly Celebration of BC's ONE GOOD NIGHT!!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

P.S. For the sake of having one night that was not too bad and reminded you of your W the way she used to be, I personally suggest that you just enjoy the memory of having one good night. See if it stays consistent or just goes haywire again. Even if she truly is starting to "wake up", she's bound to have some moments of going haywire--but I mean, just keep being as you have been and doing what you have been and wait and see what transpires. In the meantime, YAY!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BTW....*SPLAT* -- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Gotcha!

Well CJ we're about to find out. I'm about to leave to get DS and WW is supposed to be coming back tonight. We'll see how tonight goes.

My A's assistant called. A is out until Mon. Gave assistant and update and A will be in contact Mon.

I'll try to finish documentation tonight after WW leaves.

gotta go. I'll update tonight

WOW, two nights in a row...okay!

Maybe things are on the up and up...

Well, nice and uneventful.

WW was alright. I let them be most of the time. She played in his room for a while then she sat with him a watched the wiggles then she put him to bed. She left as soon as she put down DS. We didn't really talk. No hug tonight. It was pleasant though.

Me and DS have a wedding tomorow night, so we won't see WW until Sat night when we go for the night. We also have a 50th anniversary party in Houma on Sat during the day. I grew up with their son and I've known them since I was 2.

So I have a busy weekend ahead. I'll post when I can.

Talk to ya'll tomorrow.

BC-
Have a good weekend! I hope that all goes well with everything... including the WW.

You have a good head on your shoulders, and a bright DS. You ARE blessed.

I see this overnight as a bright spot. It may go well, it may not. She may be coming out of the 'fog'. Just be careful.

And in my opinion, I would wait for a few months of her acting rationally before she got joint custody. You never know anymore.

GOOD LUCK! Have fun, and be careful!

Sadmo

BC,

I haven't written much to you before. This much I do know. Mental illness is a tough situation to raise a child through. My husband has bi-polar - heavy to the depression side of the swing. His manic side is edgy and angry - not fun energy at all.

There are times that he and our son are best buds, but there are times he just turns into a mean bully big brother instead of a dad. Those times I've had to put our son back together, I've found myself using resources that usually are reserved for adults - but these children, unfortunately get robbed of their childhood when a parent is mentally ill. (interestingly, I believe my mother is an undiagnosed bi-polar, married 60 years to an now 16 year sober alcoholic) - my childhood disappeared before I can remember my age, with night terrors of a distorted reflection of my then extremely violent father drilling holes in my head and when I woke up I could still see the image of the monster in my dreams imprinted on the bedroom wall... no - I didn't grow up in a safe home. My mother had a suicidal energy several times during my childhood.

Thankfully, the law if protecting your son. And it sounds like your wife has a possibility of recovering. However, mental illness doesn't let go of its targets very easily. She may relapse.

Some of the resources I've used with my son:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz - we've read this book together and talked about dreams of life, not taking someone personally, etc.

Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill - focusing my son on his own mental health and mental toughness. There was a section of the book that really worked in that particular moment.

Become a book reader - all of the self-actualization and empowerment books you can get your hands on. That way, in the moment you need them, you can find words to empower your son to love his mother, protect himself, and not personalize her illness.

Thanks for the info and recommendations KA. I will educate myself on how to help DS if he starts acting up or doesn't seem right down the road. Since he's only 3 it may take a while before this stuff really affects him. If WW continues to recover and rebuild her R with DS I'm hoping the damage can be minimized.

I will probably check into counseling down the road to try and prevent this stuff hitting him in adulthood which seems to be the case with most people that have gone through this.

Again thanks for the support

Well I made it through a tough weekend.

DS has a virus and it infected his tongue. It's sore and hurts. Has little white bumps on it. He was a crab at the wedding. He was a crab all day Sat at the anniversary party. Sat night I noticed his tongue was infected and me and WW took him to a clnic. He has a virus and all we can give him is tylenol and robitussin DM. Doctor said this has to work itself out.

Me and DS spent the night at WW's apartment Sat night. Everything went pretty good. WW still acting like a mother. WW still babbling like a WW. Here's a few Gems:

I don't trust anybody anymore. Everybody has stabbed ME in the back.

Everything I say is misconstrued, misunderstood, taken out of context, etc.

I've lost my identity.

The most noteworthy event of the weekend. I found a chart next to her TV. It was an ABUSE chart for ABUSED wives. I confronted her about it and she said her IC gave it to her and wanted her to highlight the abuse she's experienced from ME. I said OK, would you share that with me when you're done so I'll know what I need to work on? No Answer. Wide eyed and Jaw dropped.

They hate it when you take away their ammo. She's still trying to justify her actions as being an abused wife who needed to be rescued.

I've hollered at her 3 times in eleven years and 2 were for infidelity 99 and 06. The third was the last day of school 06 when she had just spent the last half of the scool year pulling away from the family, partying, working as late as possible, and then she comes home the last day of school to pack a bag for a weekend trip to New Orleans with some school teachers and informed me that there were rumers that she was having a R with a student(6th grade) b/c he had a crush on her and was hanging around her class room for HOURS after school EVERYDAY. She never said a word about this until she was MAD at the teachers accusing her. Another example of her selfish entitlement. Do you think just MAYBE I had a right to be angry. Do those 3 and only 3 instances where I yelled at her MIGHT have been validated.

In her mind I went off the deep end, as she put's it, all the time over every little thing.

If that's the case wouldn't she be afraid of me. Wouldn't DS be afraid of me. Shouldn't she have a restraining order aginst me.

We were sitting on HER bed at HER apartment having this conversation.

I'll admit that in some bad times I used some serious DJing after hearing things that would make normal peoples skin crawl. Apparently I was supposed to support the bad things she was doing and not have an opinion even though it affected me and DS.

Now this is the same woman that for 11 years told me there was something wrong with ME b/c I never fought with her or got angry.

Now I was ABUSIVE.

SWEET!!

As they say. I takes all kinds.

Now for the big shock... you ready.
I still love her. I know she's ill, I know she's selfish to the nth degree, I know she'll never change, but I can't seem to convince my heart.

I don't want to be her H anymore, but I still like being around her. I don't want to be her H anymore, but I'm still attractred to her. I don't want to be her friend, but we high fived last night after the SOX hit 4 in a row out of Fenway.

I found myself back in Plan A yesterday. It was easy b/c I don't feel the pressure anymore.

It's very strange the way I feel about her right now. I'm feeling selfish. I just want to have some fun with her. I don't want her back. I've really come to enjoy my life with out her. I've really come to enjoy having a clean house. I really look foward to meeting someone that isn't selfish and participates in the R. I like the direction my life is going and I hate the direction her's is going. Dosen't mean we can't have some fun while we're stuck with each other though.

Am I Crazy?

um, no...you're not crazy...

but you are addicted to her...same as I am my STBX...same with anyone's S...

I firmly believe that you are not abusive...you talk about your emotions...you own up to your actions..

IMVHO, your WW has abused you in the past...I'm not saying that you are dealing with what I am but there has been emotional and verbal abuse...just what I'm seen in the past month of you and her conversation...

Think about this...you two have a great time...tension builds...agrument...great time...

The great time is the honeymoon period I have been tlaking about on my thread...this is the time that "I" miss...when we did have some great times...this is what I miss...

Just some thoughts of mine, my two cents! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BC- my son began pushing other children and hitting them and talking back to elders and general negative behavior, when he was three, after his dad's first A and after he moved out, and also when he moved back in. Once the separation happens, the damage is done.

This time around, my DS tells me how he FEELS about his loss because he CAN. I believe, when he was 3 years old, he couldn't express his anger and sadness. Now he can. Anyone involved with him, like daycare or preschool, should be informed of his situation, so that they may recognize signs of trauma and let you know.

Quick Update

I've been extremely busy since last week. Having trouble wasting all my time on MB.

SL,
DS hasn't shown any obvious signs as of late. In the heat of the A when WW was non existant to DS he acted out for little while and then he just seemed to understand what was going on and got better. He just seems to know who he can count on and who he can't.

I let DC know about the sitch right from the start. I guess that was just instinct. I was 2 months from MB at that point. Actually, every time something big happens I let DC know so they can keep an eye on him. From time to time me and his teacher talk about the sitch and DS's behavior. They see this stuff from time to time so they're pretty good at identifying changes in behavior.

So far DS is being a real champ. I hope that continues.

WW didn't come over last night, but called to check on DS. She also talked about her A and told me that her A and my A were friends. She said she heard good stuff about my A so she was happy about that. She was almost acting like this was gonna be fun since we're all friends.

I don't know what goes through her head anymore. She's come back to earth and almost resembles a human, but there's still alot of misfiring going on in her head. Everyday I think of more bizar events throughout the M and I'm really starting to think she's had this problem all along. The A just finished her off. Now she's full blown MENTAL.

I'm really gonna have to pay attention to her behavior for a long time. If she continues to get worse I'm gonna have to protect DS again. If I ever have to do it again it will be permanent.

I hope she gets better, but from what I can gather she's playing her IC so he's never gonna do her any good. I think the only reason she goes to him is she thinks she's getting validation from him. Throughout all of this these are some of things I've heard:

IC thinks we should live apart.

IC thinks you're driving me crazy.

IC thinks I'm fit to be a mother.

IC gave me this ABUSE chart. (acted like it was his idea that I was abusive)

I don't think IC did any of that. IC goes along with her thoughts probably just so she'll talk about it. I don't think IC's diagnose, give advice, place blame, judge, or VALIDATE.

I think all they really do is get you to talk about what's going on in your head. They tend to go along with your though process just to see where your heading and possibly get you to fix yourself.

I don't think this works with narcissist. They take it as validation for the things they do. They allow them to blame everybody but themselves. They allow them to be victums.

Has anybody else seen that with IC's?

BC,

If I missed it I apologize but where are you going with this marriage (save it, divorce, ???) If you are headed to D then what have you are you doing to finalize custody of your son and protect him from WW? There will never be a better time to set in stone the custody arrangements than now or at least it doesn't seem.

Now if you are trying to save your marriage then forget what I said above but I just hope she's not trying to play you long enough to show the courts she is healthy again and fit to be the primary custodian of your son.

I have temporary sole custody. We have a hearing 4/26 to determine further action. I want at least another month for her to demonstrate some stability before we go back to 50/50. Then I WILL be domicilary parent.

I have given up on the M. She's still very ill and is still running away as fast as she can. Bascially acting like a teenager. Just got her belly button pierced, wants a tatoo, started a myspace page, partying, going to concerts. She's reconnected with a guy she went to highschool with and they text day and night nonstop. He's 600 miles away, but can probably be considered OM2 at this point. Supposedly he's just a friend that she's known forever, but every time she gets a text she giggles and responds.

We were having a serious conversation Sun and she was texting him the whole time, including the giggling.

I'm basically hearing the same [email]cr@p[/email] like I heard at the beginning with the first OM. She just tried to kill herself a month ago over OM1 and is already cuttin up with OM2. This time she's flaunting it in my face.

So she'll NEVER be primary. I have to let her go. I can't stand to watch her continue to do this to herself. She is still looking to MEN to make her happy.

She hasn't done enough YET for me to get permanent sole custody, but she's still digging her hole so it's probably just a matter of time.

Sorry this turned into a rant. I just gotta start getting more of my thoughts out. I hold back too much. I still find myself protecting her when I shouldn't. I still find myself overlooking some of her behavior b/c I want to believe she's gonna be alright. I really just need to let her go completely and quit worrying about her so much.

It's definately time to move on. I just can't do it while I have to supervise visitation.

That's what I was thinkin' too.

BC, let her keep diggin' while you supervise. You NEED sole custody, for the child's sake.

I remember when my WH started an EA with one of his 'friends' at work. She would text him and he was on it like a fly on poo. She would email him and he would run to respond. After I kicked him out AGAIN, because we were in false recovery (I found MB and was doing Plan A for about 4 mos by then) I found some stuff on the computer, a couple of IM's that were a bit too close for comfort and some prose that she had written about him. BLECH! She, too, is married. I didn't do anything about this because I was fed up. I should have exposed to her H. So, ALL that being said, if this guy is married, I would let his wife know what's going on, and I would still expose for your child's sake, in case she does get 50/50 custody, you don't want her draggin' all manners of men in to DS's life...

BC,

My Ex WW did 1/10th of what your WW is/has done and I have sole custody (she's appealing) of a 2 year old son. What attorney says that her attempting to off herself makes her the least bit capable of being a joint custodian? ****** she should have supervised visitation not be 50/50 anything. I can't believe Lousiana would see this any other way? Maybe I am wrong.

Louisiana is a mother state. My A is female. She says first attempt at suicide without prior history doesn't cut it for permanent custody. I'm probably a shoe in for domicilary parent, but for sole custody she needs repeated behavior. If she ever messes up again I can probably get it. Doesn't have to be another suicide attempt either. If she get into any kind of trouble I'm going for permanent sole custody.

Expose to OM#2 and OM#2's family that your WW just got out of an extramarital relationship, attempted suicide, and lost custody rights of her children. Tell them that you are trying to save your M, but you don't want her communicating with any OM, especially in the fragile state she is in now. Tell him to leave your wife alone. What is she going to do? You can't be afraid of her anymore.

BC,

You wrote:

I would like to just reinforce something for you. Whether your STBXW is nutty as a fruitcake or not, all her IC has to go on is what she says. Contrary to popular belief, IC's do NOT have an instant "lie" alert warning light, nor do they take the time to actually "research" if what their clients are saying is "true" or "a lie." What happens is that an IC will talk with someone and get a beginning idea of "Why are you here?" I'm sure your STBXW said something like, "Well, I tried to kill myself because I left my H because he was abusive and my BF dumped me." (Insert 'oh poor me' violins here.) Now, IC has NO IDEA if you really were abusive or not--or if BF dumped her or not--so IC suggests "Hey, here's an abuse chart, why don't you make a list of all the things he did." Then IC will go over the list she makes and say, "You know, WW, it really isn't abuse to suggest that you get out of bed" or "Uhh..WW, when two people argue 3 times in 11 years, that's not really abusive." From there...the IC will begin to work with her on why she sees any sort of disagreement at abuse.

HOWEVER, just a reminder--IC's are not magic. We can not wave a wand and tell if it's the truth or a lie. Heehee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> BUT we can tell when there are inconsistencies in a person's story or in the way in which someone processes what someone else might perceive as "normal." In REAL life, her IC has probably told her "Do YOU think you should live with H?" and "Soooooo...you think it was your H who made you crazy, huh?" and "Do you think you are okay to be a good parent right now?" and since SHE thinks it's all about HER and blaming you...well, you get the drift. But even from that, I would say the counselor can see that she tends to blame others for her decisions, that she can not maintain a healthy relationship, and that she is pretty self-centered and entitled.

If it were me, I would trust the LONG-TERM abilities of the IC and not listen to what your WW says that the IC tells her, because...uhh...BC, she is NOT well!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Wow BC. I can't believe you have to keep going through this crap. You have to find a way to get that sole custody and then move on. You are way to good of a man and a father to have to live like this. Keep fighting the true and good fight. It will happen.

Jim,
none of that's gonna work at this point. If I did that it would really start to look like I'm vengeful. I've already got sole custody, the house, and control of the D.

I have to let her go. I'm not doing that stuff anymore. If she comes back and wants in then we'll see. For now I'm moving on. Crazy enough, I'm getting in some qality Plan A b/c of the supervised visitation. If it does something to her she'll have to let me know.

CJ,
I know her IC is good, I'm the one who found him, I went to him once myself, and he came highly recomended. I don't know if he suspects anything personality wise and he won't discuss it with me so all I can do is hope for the best. I have been able to figure out that some of what she's telling him is her fog and not reality. I'm sure he see's through some of it.

Chris,
I may not have to fight at all. WW came by tonight and apparently she is conceding the 26th hearing since the permanent hearing is scheduled for the 4th. Her A is telling her that the judge is going to decide how long sole custody will last and it's nothing we can agree on. She's being told to expect it to be for a long time, possibly up to a year.

I'll try to confirm all this tomorrow with my A. This all happened late in the afternoon and my A hasn't contacted me yet. If this is true then it looks great for me. I would be relieved if I got 6 months to a year of protection. I was just wanting a month or two.

WW is being suprisingly reasonable about all of this. She's being nice and acting normal. I thought maybe this was an act, but we've already agreed on community property and apparently custody is out of our hands. I can't figure out why she would need to continue to act. Maybe her meds are working. Maybe the fogs really lifting.

Now I'm just talking about the D. She continues to live her life how she wants while I have put mine completely on hold while we get through this mess.

Example: She said if she was done with dinner tomorrow night after her weight watchers meeting and it wasn't too late she might stop by. She doesn't have to go eat with her friends EVERY week, but she does. It's almost like she wants to be DS's mother as long as she doesn't already have other plans.

Also, I checked out her myspace page today. She claims to be single and doesn't even mention DS. NICE!!

Anyway, thanks for all the support. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Meds can do wonders. Let's hope for the best, that they will turn her around.

Hang in there. You are doing GREAT. Be sure to take care of YOU.

WOW, myspace single huh? No kids! Shameful!

You know what I think...LOL...no need to repeat myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for just being you by the way I appreciate the encouragement on my thread!

Pathetic excuse for a "mother". Even though things appear to be in your favor you should keep documenting (i.e. Myspace, no kids, etc...) all events that pertain to DS for future.

I agree, I would print the profile...just in case!

BC,

This is very good news for you.

No one on this site ever accuses me of being overly optimistic about things and in the case of your WW I have none. Her next year will no doubt prove to be a torrential flood of bad choices and problems. You need to be standing far away and protect your son. This train is going to wreck and it won’t be pretty and you don’t want to be a casualty.

And if I were a judge with a woman who advertises herself on MyWaste as single without children standing before me I would make her wish come true. She would become single without a child.

I do continue to document. My A doesn't want it right now b/c she has to charge me to review it and she doesn't want to do that since she's getting full cooperation from WW and her A.

WW's A and mine are friends so I don't think there will be any big suprises. I'll have a folder prepared just in case.

Here's the thing about WW. I think she definately has a personality disorder. She's getting her ENs met by a guy in Phoenix right now so she is happy and stable. As long as that R continues or just fizzles out without any drama she will probably continue to improve. If they have a falling out that is bad, then she will probably lose it again.

She is going to counseling, but unless this is identified she'll never get the help she needs. She'll do this over and over for the rest of her life. She's always looking for the high she gets from being wanted by MEN.

I will say that last night I don't think she touched her phone once. Doesn't mean anything, I just pay attention to the small stuff these days.

I'm always looking for signs of her mental state. She has been doing better. I do hope she continues and gets it together.

Gotta go

is your WW and Mine sisters?

Add my sis in there and you have triples...

Oh, course IMO, my sister uses men for as long as she needed them and then kicks them to the curb...

It's that special...group! Like the short bus group...???

On the bus Wayward Sisters. Next Stop...(fill in the blank)

I say the cooter cleaners

BC, sorry things are the way they are. You're really doing great for your son. I'm proud to call myself a fellow Killer Bee.

What are you doing to take care of yourself?

Ha Ha HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I just had to run to the Bathroom!!

SD,
I have a massive support system. Friends, Family, Neighbors, WW's Friends (she's abandoned most of them). I get phone calls daily, I weight lift, I walk, I hang out in the neighborhood, I have guys night out first Tue of the month(Buffalo Wild Wings)I do alot with DS, I go to Church.

My life is full and happy other than the D thing. I know my sitch is horrible, but I'm well taken care of.

Thanks for chekin in, I think we're all some pretty amazing people.

Chris,
Take care of that man!, I don't want to be responsible for makin a mess in your house..LOL

LOL...YOU SAID COOTER! COOL!

Our dog's name is Cooter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My apologies W74. I would never INTENTIONALLY compare a Wayward's genitalia to an innocent animal.

Is a woman's privates considered genitalia?
I can't remember 10th grade Biology.

Don't ask me. It's been 8-9 months since I had any classes.

So if someone is giving you trouble do you yell, "Bite em Cooter?"

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> We must be naive up here in the northern Rockies. I didn't know it meant that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> The dog was actually named after Cooter from Dukes of Hazzard.

You guys..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well Wayward's don't deserve DAISY, and I already call mine BOSS HOG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, so I guess we'll have to go with ROSCOE.

That's a better fit anyway, dontcha think?

blahahahahhahahhahlmalmaoamlalmoamlamo

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Nothing much going on. WW has only come to see DS once this week. Maybe she'll stop by over the weekend if she doesn't have any thing better to do.

There is a massively massive festival going on in Lafayette right now to celibrate French culture around the world. It's the largest of it's kind and pretty amazing. Draws hundreds of thousands of people from around the world.

It's very bad a$$.

check it out

Festival International

I'm probably gonna go with DS tomorrow.

WOW, that's sounds fun...hope you guys enjoy it...

DS is fascinated with music instruments, so he should be fascinated with all the different kinds of music and instruments.

Oh, I forgot. I got a call this morning from SIL. My niece wanted to talk to Uncle BC. She's 4 or 5 now. Loves her Uncle BC. She told me about going eat supper last night. Apparently the manager or the cook came to the table and she thought it was me. She told me she loves me. It felt great. I'm very close to WW's family and I refuse to remove myself from them. Especially the nieces and nephews that look up to me.

Everybody have a good weekend!

That's so great, BC. Keep those lines open. My WH family wrote me off. Who knows the stories they are getting and believing.

Children tend to see the real deal. Your niece wanting to call you and say I love says what a great guy you are.

yeah, you're doing good...I haven't heard from anyone on STBX's side...

not even after I faxed F's report card...they usually send him money for his A's...nothing that I know of...

Weekend update.

It's been good and bad.

Fri- no WW. Went up the street to visit with neighbors. Ended up playing cards and DS fell alseap on their sofa so I got to stay out past 10. WOOHOO!!

Sat- DS played in neighbors pool all day. I got to step away and go to the gym. WW called about 1. Said she had been afraid to come by this week b/c she thought I got her response to the petition and thought I would be mad at her, blah,blah,blah. Needless to say I confirmed she went to a concert Fri night. Well she acted like she was on her way at 1. She showed up at 8:30 complaining of sudden stomach problems, kind of like the ones she gets everytime DS has a dirty diaper, needs a bath, etc. So she basically showed up just in time to put him to bed, fell asleep herself and crashed on the sofa. Got up in the morning, spent about an hour with DS and left. Said she'd be back a little later and still hasn't showed. I checked her myspace page and at 2 she said she had to go so she could head to my house to do laundry and visit with DS. It's 4:50 No WW.

DS is all over her my space page now and she claims to be a proud parent. She proves it so well.

Sun- Went to Church this morning and I fell in love with one of the Eucharistic Ministers. No Ring. Should I avoid her like the plague right now? I know the answer. Took DS to McD's to play. Cleaning house. about to cut the grass. DS is waking up from his nap.

I talk to yall later

Oh yeah, and I still love her. Go Figure.

can't wait till she's good enough for joint custody so I can really move on with my life.

This is starting to suck.

What no festival?

No Festival, and I'm very upset about that, mostly at myself. Sat she was SUPPOSED to be comin to see DS so I stayed home. No Show. Sun she was SUPPOSED to be comin to see DS so I stayed home again. No Show.

I'm not giving her that control anymore. I should have told her we'd be at the Festival if she wanted to join us instead of sittin at home wasting an entire weekend.

Next weekend me and DS ARE going to a party Sat night. It's a long drive, so we'll be spending the night. If WW CHOOSES to go out Fri night knowing we won't be around Sat then that is her problem. I'm not gonna sit at home waitin for her anymore. All I have to OFFER her is 10 hours a week. So that's what I'm gonna start doin. I'm trying to be available as much as possible, but as usual she is taking full advantage of my generosity.

I could go on into a full rant, but what's the point. I've gotta get better a detaching from her. I feel like I am, but everytime she pulls a stunt and lets DS down I get upset. I want her to recover so bad for DS, but right now it's just not happening. She's so caught up in herself she's heading right back to rock bottom and that scares me.

I know, nothing I can do about it. I'll just have to better control what I can, visitation.

Oh, I didn't mention that she never showed up AT ALL yesterday. Not even at the last second like she usually does.

Don't worry. she'll have her excuses when she does show up. She's starting to remind me of Epstein from Welcome Back Kotter.

Can't help BC.. but can lend moral support!

Mine is wacked too... Good I hope she pulls out before the D but I really have my doubts. I think if she ever pulls out of it I will be long gone.

Jim

You're right Jim. A couple of STUDS like us won't be on the market for long. HIGH FIVE!! LOL

Back to reality:

WW showed up last night with left overs she wanted me to have. (feeling guilty maybe) I tested them on the neighbors kids, no illnesses yet. I'll eat it Thu just to be safe.LOL

Paid extra special attention to DS. (feeling guilty maybe) Seemed to be nicer and more open than usual (feeling guilty maybe)

I don't really care, it makes life more pleasant when I'm around her.

I have guys night out tonight. I got the neighbors lined up to watch DS. Chicken wings, beer, maybe a cigar. That's almost as good as haven a woman.

Maybe better, I've never had a chicken wing call me an A-hole.

LMAO>>>LMAO>>>

Oh, I see that you have some spunk today...

I hope that you enjoy guy's night out and that IS NOT something that you give up in the future...a little me time is always a good thing...

So since you two are the "STUDS", where's the line to sign up...who's taking the applications...credit checks and background checks...

Oh, wait...back to reality! i'm not available presently...Darn D...I knew I should have filed last year! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'll be doin all the background checks....wait, what do YOU mean by background checks.

I might be thinking something different <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...FBI...silly goose! You're terrible!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BC, I bet after 10 beers you can find a chicken wing that talks.


Hopefully I come with a long, long shelf life.

LMAO...Oh, chris...

I'm not sure what to make of that one!

yeah, what else can a chicken wing do after 10 beers?

The Breast Stroke?

The Funky Chicken?

a CHORUS LINE DANCE?

Shakespear?

My all time favorite...the hokey pokey...what about on ice? That would be different...right between Minnie and Mickey...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Chicken wing on ice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> ...please don't play with your food tonight...especially if it has sauce on it....

well, you know, MAYBE YOU NEED to play with your food! Relax and loosen up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

No, seriously, I hope that you have a great time...enjoy the view if it's hooties...

Right. I can see BC downing 10 beers and watching a chicken wing reciting Marc Antony’s soliloquy from Julius Caesar, "We come to eat some chikin not praise it".

oh, cHRIS, YOU ARE SO awesome MAN!

That was fabulous!

"too eat or not to Eat! that is the question" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I wonder how many Marriages page 27 on my thread is gonna save?

I'm thinking at least 30.

My thread had probably killed more marriages then that.

Wow! We better hurry on to page 28 then and do some more good for the world talking about gas grills, chicken wings, Shakespeare, Disney on Ice and beer (on ice).

We're on page 28 now. So time for some more deep philisophical thoughts.

Wing night was good. I ate more than I wanted to, but some of that was celery with blue cheese which is almost healthy. Didn't drink too much. Didn't stay out too late. Kinda sorta flirted with the little blond waiting on us and she kinda sorta reciprocated. She put her hand on my back for a minute when she came to pick up the ticket. That's the most action I've gotten in 5 months. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Made it home for 9:30. DS was still up and playing at the neighbors. Brought him home, gave him some milk, and he was gone. Sleeping before 10.

So I had a great time. I needed that SO bad.

Hope everybody's doin alright.

STBX Completely Caved!!

We had a Hearing Officer Conference today. We never even got called in. Her A gave in to everything.

Here's the big stuff:

Supervised visitation will continue until Jun1.

STBX will continue counseling until the COUNSELOR feels she is OK to stop. (this is court ordered)

After Jun1 I will be Primary Domicilary Parent giving STBX liberal visitation. Meaning there will be NO schedule. We can decide amongst ourselves, but I reserve the right to pull the plug if something goes wrong with STBX.

I didn't ask for any real CS. I just wanted $200 a month to help pay DC. I got that and b/c she isn't paying enough CS I get the tax exemption every year.

She has to continue to provide DS's medical insurance also.

I think that's the big stuff.

I am very relieved. I knew it was going to be alright b/c she called me this morning scared. We talked about what I wanted and she agreed to it then, so she just relayed that to her A and he went with it.

We still have community property to deal with, which we also have already agreed upon, but it looks like there won't be a RULE by the judge. The A's will submit today's paper work for the judge to sign and that's it. Now we just wait our year and it's all over.

We talked before we left and I reiterated to her that this wasn't what I wanted. She said she knew it wasn't. I went ahead and asked her if she could say now that it was over for us. She said all she could say is I don't know. I said that's all I can say too. So we hugged and she was gone.

Anybody want to guess where she was going?

Frickin Jazz Fest.

She saw DS 3.5 hours last week and about 2.5 this week. Last weekend she went to a concert and probably Festival International.
Now she's going to Jazz Fest and won't be seeing him at all this weekend.

Any body want to challenge my decisions?

Do I STILL love her? Yes

at least I stand up for myself.

This is an example of loving someone while at the same time leaving them to self destruct and holding them accountable.

Great job BC. I have custody of our two year old son and don't regret holding her accountable one minute. I gave her every chance and she chose herself above all else, unacceptable for a parent.

Great job!!!!

Boy, your WW sure is a mess. At least she no longer displays the worst and most unbearable trait of most WWs - complete and unabashed self-entitlement. She has been humbled. That is the hardest part. Maybe she'll start coming around in other areas as well.

GOOD FOR YOU! Congrads with DS!

I hope that you enjoy your weekend!

That is exactly what I am doing. I can't stop loving her and I really don't want to, but I have to let her go right now.

She's gonna have to figure it out on her own now. If she ever comes around who know's what could happen. My brother went throught this and 5 years later he remarried his Ex and they now have their second child together.

Jim,
I can't figure out if she's been humbled or if this is what she wanted and had to put up the intial fight to save face.

I'm sure it's both.


I tell you one thing that felt good though. Both A's were impressed with the way I've handled all of this. From day one I made it clear I was doing this in the best interest of DS and my demeanor and actions stayed true to that. My A said she's never seen anything like it and that's what made the case a slam dunk. STBX's A had nothing on me. NOTHING.

My A told me the other A recognized STBX's problems and thought I was being extremely fair.

So to everyone else going through this. Don't let it get personal. It's strictly business in the best interest of all parties involved. Make that clear and let your demeanor and actions back it up and you WILL be noticed.



On a another note. I got a call from my life long friend/brother across the street. Him and my brother and Rin's mechanic and a few other guys put together a night in the swamp for me. We're all going to life long friend's camp Sat night and my Mom is watching DS.

It couldn't have come at a better time. I promise NO alligators will be harmed this weekend. Some may require counceling. Here's the event list.

Beer, fishing, beer, BBQ, beer, cards, beer, night time activities involving alligators(secret sport you'll never find out about), beer, maybe some sleep, coffee, coffee, coffee, fishing, clean up, nap, go home.

So everybody have a great weekend

I know I will <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Enjoy the weekend, BC. I'm happy to hear your good news.

I wonder if the reason WW isn't spending time with DS is guilt and shame?

Great job this week BC!

Have a nice time in the swamp (?)

It sounds a little like the beginning of the old movie Southern Comfort.

Hope the Guard is not on maneuvers.

BC,

Have a great weekend.

There are alligators in Louisiana!!!!!

Still

BC-
Have a wonderful weekend! You deserve it!

I only wonder, what DO you do to alligators there? It sounds kind of suspect....

LOL! You are doing WONDERFUL with your DS, I know it is hard to be a single parent, hang in there! Keep it up, and enjoy yourself too!

Sadmo

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> BBQ them...fry them...grill them...LMAO...just the tails...the meat...

Make a stew...You know Forrest GUmp... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Shrimp stem, shrimp gumbo, shrimp.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The camp's like Vegas. If you want to know what we do to alligators at the camp, then you have to come to the camp.

I'll give you some advice. DO NOT be the first person to fall asleep at the camp. That's one way to find out what we do with alligators at the camp.

you guys are crackin me up!

My favorite is alligator sauce piquant
mmmmmmmmmm


I'm very tired. I'll post about the weekend tomorrow.

goodnight

Wrote a post earlier and lost it. Couldn't even find it going back in explorer or in history. Musta dreamed I posted. I'll try to recap what I wrote.

Weekend Update.

5 men, 5 1/2 cases of beer, 5 pounds deer sausage, 10 hamburger patties, 1 sack potatoes, 1 night at the camp.

Came back with NOTHING.

Event schedule was followed except for alligator games. We went in 2 big boats which weren't conducive to alligator games. Too high off the water. We normally have a mud boat for alligator games and frogging.

Rin's mechanic did bounce off a cypress tree. First we screamed like girls (TREEE, TREEEEEE). Then we laughed like drunken fools (LETS DO IT AGAIN). We wore moss wigs for a few minutes and Uncle Ray busted his finger on a tree branch, no mager damage to the boat. We later discovered Rin's mechanic's boat didn't turn right. The foot was misaligned to the steering wheel. Happens with inboards.
Gave em he11 anyway.

Only lost 5 dollars playin Texas Holdem.

Fried the hamburgers in deer sausage grease. Ca C'est Bon!!

Smoked Cigars.

Did some fishing. Lost 2 reds, caught 3 reds, 1 flounder, and 1 sheephead.

Sun had brother's family and DS meet us at the launch an we took them to Lake Decade. There's an area of the lake called the Cajun Bahamas that is only a few feet deep and boats congregate their to swim and party.

We threw anchor there and played in the water all afternoon. DS got to practice casting with his snoopy pole. I'll have me a fishing buddy in no time.

I got pretty burnt. Trying to get rid of Casper the Friendly Gut and the ole farmer's tan. I think I succeeded.

So I had a good time. Drank too much, ate too much, cut up too much.

Typical night at the camp.

Like I said, If you want more details then you'll have to come to the camp.

I've said too much already.

oH, WHAT A SHAME...A BUNCH OF SCHOOL BOYS WITH BEER! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />



SCARY! REALLY SCARY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

WHO WAS DRIVIN THE BOATS? I want to make sure that I stay far, FAR away! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your info about the tree, reminds me of something similar that happen to me with STBX...another trust issue...

Except it was with two pilings with a sign on top that said "DO NOT ANCHOR HERE, DANGER!" and then the bank!Not a problem with the boat either, just the driver...a sober one at that!

This is just ONE STORY...that's why we had motorcycles instead of a boat! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts will.

Major trigger event.

Been a little down.

Confirmed STBX spent the weekend in New Orleans with OM2 and she hopes to see him again when schools out. She's not even trying to hide it anymore. I got this info from her myspace page.

I've decided Jun1 I go dark. I may even write a Plan B letter. When we go back to joint custody I don't want any contact with her. It hurts to [email]d@mn[/email] bad.

Unless I have a Mortorman Miracle I'd say my M is pretty much done. I've continued to hope maybe she'd come around, but that won't happen for a very long time now. She's completey wrapped up in this guy and could care less about me.

Now I've gotta buy her a Mother's day present from DS that she doesn't deserve. It's hard to buy a thoughtful gift for such a thoughtless person.

I had a sick idea that I'll share with everyone since I can't actually do it. I would get her a box of bread crumbs and simply attach a note that reads:

Mommy,

Here's your crumbs back. They're wasted on me.

Your Son Who Desreves Better,

DS

OK, that's enough pity party

I got a box of Cigars in today. I'm definately smokin one tonight.

Sorry to hear this news BC. It does look like it is time for a total and very dark Plan B. She is really a lost soul now. It's time to protect you as well as your son. You have done a great job and have done everything you could.

Your honorary Bee status can be easily upgraded.

Stay tough.

Can you light one up for me. I can't smoke Cigars anymore they are a gateway to ciggerettes again.

Don't know why but they are. So I have to remain smoke free including cigars. Sucks.

BC I have followed your sitch and you are a Rock.

I have a standard reply to a lot of this. Just becuase she doesn't see how great you are doesn't mean you aren't great.

Some times people get lost and they keep making bad decesion just getting farther and farther away from where they should be.

I wouldn't necessarily give up hope. I read a post I think in recovery about a couple who got D'd and the H plan B'd her. Didn't talk for a year and a half after the D and they ended up getting remarried.

Good luck. Continue being the great man you know you are.

Thanks Chris,

I think I will be an offical Bee soon.

Frog,
I'll be sure an smoke one for you.

STBX is as lost as a person can be. She may find herself down the road and we could even reconcile if I haven't moved on with someone else. My brother went through this and 5 years later they reconciled. He never remarried, she actually married and divorced in that time. I know it's possible and I know there's a pretty good chance STBX will snap out of it at some point.

I'm not falling apart are anything. Just feeling the sting from new info, from having that last bit of hope take another hit.

Our Houston salesman's in town and he took me to Hooter's for lunch so I'm feeling better now.

Again, Thanks for the support

Oh, man, BC. I'm sorry to hear it. I could copy and paste the stuff you wrote to me the other day, but you know it's true for yourself. You've been doing the hero thing in the face of amazing pain and doing it really well. Your son is lucky to have you. Some day he (and maybe your WW) will know how lucky.

I stand in awe.

BC, I welcome you with opened arms and beer in hand to the Bee's.

I agree with guy smiley (sdguy) in that your son is lucky to have you, and I second that you are lucky to have him.

No cigars for me, either, as a former smoker, but I'll have a drink and hoist it to the recovered BC and son. Plan B will relieve you of all of the [email]d@mn[/email] pain that you have to witness, and deal with.

I know you aren't falling apart, but you have been hurt over and over again; it'll be good to let WW deal with it all alone, and get relief so your smiles last longer than just moments.

Oh, I wanted to add that I wouldn't get her a mother's day present, but that's me, 'cause she's not your mother and she sure isn't acting like a spouse.