24 Yrs of marriage. Had an affair for a year with OW. Told W Wanted OW (asked me to move out and I did) and then one week later I broke off with OW to save M. Then W said she wanted D. She saw an attorney in a week and I was served D papers in mid Jan. She said she could not go back. She said last week that IC said that she is dependent personality behavior. This has to be true as this is our first fight in 24 yrs of marriage. She has had VERY little conversation with me now and does not want to see or speak to me or go to counseling. She was treated very well in marriage, I worked hard and provided a wonderful lifestyle. I do not think there is anyone else. Any thoughts??
It sounds to me like you are blaming your adulterous behavior on her personality faults....tsk tsk.
First fight in 24 years? How's that? YOU CHEATED ON HER. This is about YOU...not her.
She was treated very well in marriage
This has to be true as this is our first fight in 24 yrs of marriage.
Why did you decide to have an affair??? I somehow don't get it??? If you say that she was treated "very well" in your marriage, didn't this "involve" "honesty"??
It sounds very unusual for me to imagine someone being married for 24 years without ever having a fight.....Why do you come to the conclusion that your wife has a DP due to the fact that you say that never fought????
What came to mind when I read this is "Conflict Avoidance" and poor communication.
Have you read about Emotional Needs??
I third that... sound to me also like you aren't owning your own mistakes. Affairs case damage and pain, hurt, and can really devestate things. I doubt anything about her made you do what you did with the other woman.
I am not really an advocate of reconciliation, but I would think if you want to try to repair anything you have left, you have to first own your mistake. She is probably hurting, after all, you left her for the OW.
She said last week that IC said that she is dependent personality behavior. This has to be true as this is our first fight in 24 yrs of marriage.
Hello? Knock, knock!
Whether or not she exhibits 'dependent personality behavior', your 'first fight' is because you had an affair
She has had VERY little conversation with me now and does not want to see or speak to me or go to counseling.
That's quite common when a BS has her world ripped out from beneath her feet when her spouse cheats on her. What did you expect? Some sort of reward for coming home and ending your affair?
She was treated very well in marriage, I worked hard and provided a wonderful lifestyle.
That may be true, but it doesn't mean a thing to her right now.
Look up at the top of the page and click on 'Q & A columns'. Read everything you can about recovering from infidelity written by Dr Harley. Before you can make much of them you must read the 'Basic Concepts'. You have a LOT of work in front of you unless you wish to see the comfortable life style get blown out of the water by the favorable divorce settlement she'd no doubt receive after 24 years of marriage.
I take all the blame but wondering about traits of the dependent personality and how they handle this and if I should do anything different. I was TOTALLY broken and I am remorseful for all of my mistakes.
I did not decide to do anything - I never thought it could happen and it happened. Communication was lacking as she never told me how she felt about things but it worked for many years. I needed more but she could not. She was told this by her therapist. I undersatnd more now than ever.
I was wrong and if I had it to do over again, it would be much different. I was a good husband for 23+ years. I did not plan anything, it just happened like many on this board. I recognize my failings, my mistakes, my faults and many other things and pray for her forgiveness from her heart.
I just wanted to know if this should be treated differently than most cases.
IMO, No, I wouldn't treat it any different...
Have you seeen an IC? If you haven't thought about it, you may want to now!
just my POV...
I just read a little about 'dependent personality disorder' (very little), and it seems to me that the fact that she asked you to move out and told you she wanted a D, is pretty much the opposite of that......but Dr Harley would know a lot more about that that I. Is there a chance you could give him a call? I think he'd be very helpful to you.
Oh, S&R...people who have affairs fit the criteria for Dependent Personality Behavior...
And A's are temporary...so is the diagnosis.
Your wife is hurting, angry, annihilated...she just got her world erased and revealed, at the same time.
Have you been making yourself safe to be shared with? Injected respect and owned that your A didn't just happen...you didn't fall into it...you weren't being intimate with your wife and she wasn't with you and you chose, yes CHOSE to be intimate with another woman.
You could have put that energy into being intimate (knowing and sharing your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspective) with your wife. Gone to MC/IC, read books...shared your yearning to know and be known...and listened and repeated to hear her stuff.
You chose the shortcut and as shortcuts often do, it bottomed out your life. Fantasy does that.
What choices are you making now...to act from love, live from respect, and amend your choice to have an A?
That's the path to redemption...and most often, reconciliation.
Live in reality...get both hands not on her stuff--your stuff.
You can do this. Focus on you, get to your inner truth and know The Truth of actions...clear the way to know hers.
I am on my knees praying every morning and evening for wisdom, strength and forgiveness. If my pain is 1/2 of hers, then she must be devestated beyond belief. She does not want to speak with me unless it involves our children. She has shared intimate details of this affair with them in great detail and much to my dissappointment, but when you are hurt, one does things not normally done. She is being "advised" by well meaning friends that have problems in their marriages to just trash the marriage and move on. I has been hard to try to understand all of this.
I believe you hurt mightily...
I'm asking you to do what you didn't do before...now. God gives you choice in every moment...
Wisdom is from self-knowledge...which takes focus on you...an open mind and heart to know...not to judge...to know and own.
Wisdom comes from knowledge...
Strength comes from love...
Forgiveness from God, yourself and those you have harmed...
Which do you control? Sort them out.
Choose to be aware of what you know and what you don't know. Discern reality from your perceptive reality.
Truth is...your BW isn't speaking to you unless it concerns your children.
Truth is...she is speaking The Truth to others...which is what actions are to your children and you do not want that...tell us why. She is now sharing her stuff, but not with you--what you wanted for a long time. Good to know. There's a lot of pain in that.
Only she chooses what advice she takes or does not. She controls how much influence she allows in and from whom.
Just like you. Humans have that control.
You crossed her one line...
You can halve your own pain right now in understanding your truth from The Truth...doing the sorting instead of DJs...your wants from her wants...unravelling that for 23 years you believed two of you were one...and you were separate and equal humans choosing to share one journey together...by choice.
Your screenname...Sadness is healing...Remorseful is the actions we take to amend the damage we've done...both take recognition, ownership and acceptance.
Have faith in God, yourself and human design...and focus on those three things with all your being...and act from your love, not your pain...which comes from fear.
You can do this. Great choice to call the Harleys...great choice to be here, reaching for understanding and the truth...and sharing yours. Being open to being shared with.
You are not alone.
I can not thank you enough for your sensitive and caring reply. I was broken, totally broken and now I am starting to be healed and with God's help and mercy I now have more of a spiritual element. I just have a hard time in not speaking to her by her choice. I think that 23+ years of marriage she would at least talk to me.
"I think that 23+ years of marriage she would at least talk to me."
As a BS, my answer would be that I think in 23+ years of marriage, my husband wouldn't have a year long affair.
I think you might try writing her a letter and telling her how sorry you are.
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing???
I am trying to make myself better. I Pray for me, pray for my family and say prayers to have her have a less hard heart. I have been alone for 3 months and it has been horrible. I have been working, no socializing (totally unlike me), going to church and divorce care. I am meeting with her tomorrow to talk about property. I really have become a much better person in a permanent way and like myself much better.
When you meet tomorrow, can you hold your fear, and choose to speak, anyway? Can you dwell in the wonderful memories, the deep times and the laughter, steep yourself in how much you've loved your wife...so you have those loving feelings to meet with her, along with yourself?
Can you get to some truths you didn't fully recognize before and state them to share, not to make her believe?
When you are steeping in love...in your perspective, perception and thoughts...then you are in your spirit...and your spirit can speak to her spirit...not to get a certain response...for the very act of love of speaking spirit to spirit.
Prayerful preparation, honest and pure intent...open your mouth, widen your ears...and be present...only in the present tomorrow.
You can do this.
What I will do is collect my thoughts and pray to be prepared for the meeting. Cell phone will be left in the car. I will speak from my heart and will not offend. I am in a much better spirit and place. I will be honest, not be someone that I am not and be present in the moment.