Me and WH go to court tomorrow. If we both agree to everything, I will be D'd by 2 p.m.

I feel numb right now. I feel like a failure. I regret not trying harder, mostly for the kids sake. I hate for them to say they are from a D'd home. I hate to have them shuttled back and forth between me and WH every other weekend for God knows how long. They don't deserve this and there's not a darn thing they can do or say about it. That's the sad part.

WH told the kids that the D is the best for everyone...

WH has made it clear he does not want to reconcile. Can't make someone do something they don't want to do.

I know I shouldn't assume... but he and OW have been living together a year already. I think if there wasn't something there, they wouldn't be together this long. Either of them would have moved on.

Wish I could...

Not every affair ends... most do... the vast majority do... but not all. It is a sad reality that you are facing. I am sorry for your loss and wish you and your children God's blessings in your new life. Remember that moving forward... YOU will be their moral compass.

catgirl, I'm so sorry for your pain right now. WH still sounds like his head is lodged in his hind-region. What moron tells their kids that D is what is BEST for them. It is, to them, maybe forever, one of the WORST things for them.

You can move on, it will happen, you WILL be happy again. Tomorrow will be tough on you. Do you have support nearby to take the kids for a bit, or atleast to be around to help with the kids. You deserve respect, you deserve love. This is not a sign of YOUR failure. No IF ONLY's anymore. Pep told me to write things down that I am CERTAIN of (about yourself, your life, positive statments)...you should do the same.


You know, in time, you'll be fine...

If you are going through h3ll, keep going.
Winston Churchill


In war as in life, it is often necessary when some cherished scheme has failed, to take up the best alternative open, and if so, it is folly not to work for it with all your might.
Winston Churchill

((((cat))))

I'm so sorry. I will keep you in my prayers tonight and think of you tomorrow.

I wish there was something I could say to make it better for you, but I know there are no words that can take away your pain.

It is so unfair.

Thanks everyone...

I so hoped that WH would have "woken up" and realized what he was doing, but as I've said many times, he has yet to admit he's even in an A! I truly think he is happy living the single life and won't look back a second.

OW is 17 years younger, so he's reliving his youth.

People have said "what goes around comes around". That he will one day regret it. I doubt it.

My IC tells me constantly to stop focusing on WH and OW and to focus on me. It's so hard not to think about what WH and OW are doing. Will they go out and celebrate tomorrow night? Will they have sex to celebrate the D? Sick thinking I know, but I can't stop.

I have to concentrate on me and the kids, but I am so tired of putting on a happy face for them, when I feel so miserable. I try and do stuff, but WH is always on my mind.

I want to scream, why is this happenning!!?? I never asked for this! I don't deserve it!! I'm a good person. I want him to feel the pain like I have been feeling, etc. etc. Not healthy thinking, I know.

I know someday I will be happy, I just wanted to be happy with him and have a happy family for my kids. DS is still having a tough time of it. I don't think he really understands the finality of it and that is what is breaking my heart.

The kids will be at friends' homes tomorrow evening, so I'll have time to really cry...

Cat,
I went through that same thing... last monday. My WW had her affair with 2 different men in the last year of our M, and it was apparent to me that if I didn't give her the D, then she would keep on hurting me until I did give it to her.

That goes around comes around speech, sometimes it is true, other times, it's not. Sorry to put it that way, but in my case, we went from filing for the D, to it being final in 4 months. In that time she made me think she was so freaking happy, but she had moved on to 2 other men, and is already engaged to him after knowing him for 2 months. You know what, I don't care.

Your IC is right. I am going through the same thing. It is hard to get her out of my head too. What I do is I write poetry, go visit with friends, spend time with my kids, you know, things like that. Celebratory sex... say this to yourself...

"WHO CARES"

That was the one thing that happened since monday that gets me from one thought to the next. She wants to have sex with the whole block, I don't care, in fact, I hope she gets some rare STD.

Yes, you do have to concentrate on the kids, but first, you have to come to grips with what you just went through. A D is a big change, and for me, it was a big relief after I walked out of the courtroom. I got the kids 5 nights, and child support.

Everyone tells me that there is life after divorce. I know that I need to get myself out of the funk I am in now, I need to get myself healthy so that when I meet another woman who thinks I am worth seeing, I can enter into the relationship without all the baggage.

DON'T SPEND TOMORROW ALONE! If you can, go to a friends house, someone who is willing to listen to you, be there for you, maybe family too.

You will probably be relieved after it is over. I was. There is just something about it being final that made me feel so much better.

One last piece of advice, why don't you look up some groups in your area that deal with this kind of thing. I joined a support group, and getting together with a bunch of other single dads that are so much further down the road I started down is therapeutic too. Parents without partners is another one, they have get togethers with other parents... just some advice.

Keep your chin up.

Kuky,

I'm sorry you had to go through this too.

I'm kind of scared about tomorrow. Don't know what to expect in the courtroom. Do I get sworn in etc.? I never asked my lawyer, stupid huh?

You are right, who gives a fuc* about WH and OW. Now I just have to believe that.

I feel as if I am D'd already. WH has been gone a year already, living with OW. I guess I held out hope till the last minute that he would come back. What a fool!

I might be relieved when it's over, but it might hit me that it *is* over. There is no more hoping. I *have* to move on now etc, etc. I've always had a very hard time accepting things I didn't want to. Yeah I'm a spoiled brat I guess, always got what I wanted, until now.

I will look into groups, although we don't have much in my area. I live kind of in a rural part of the state.

I'm at the point now that I don't want to ever see WH again, it hurts too much, but unfortunately that's not possible. We have kids. I think the less I know of what he's doing, the better it will be. A permanent plan B, I guess.

I even thought of moving out of the area/state. Never to see him again. But I guess that would be selfish. The kids need to see their father, no matter how much of an a$$ he is.

I feel as if God has let me down, I just want to run away.

i'm so sorry cat

i know that you were so hoping it would be different

he could still realize his mistake after the D but for you, that may be too late

i am also considering moving away

i'm thankfulthat i don't have children to keep me connected to my H

i'll pray for you tonight and i'll be thinking of you tomorrow

(((cat)))

(((Cat)))
I'm so sorry, just catching up. I don't know if anyting I would say would make you feel better. I'm thinking of you, and I know I'll be there in about 6 weeks.

Still

Unfortunately, change is the one thing in our lives we cannot avoid. You will get sworn in, I was asked to raise my right hand, say yes, something like that.

Don't worry about the proceding, it is really just a formality.

One of the hardest things I went through was the fact that my XW was already engaged before our D was final. It stung really bad, but you know, she goes into her new relationship thinking she will be happy, but she is doing so many things wrong, it is just a train wreck waiting to happen.

Take each day one at a time, until someone shows me another way, that is all we really can do. I teach my kids that adults do what they do, not because they want to, but because they have to do it.

You talked about coming around and going around. Maybe when your kids grow up like mine... and they get married, their spouse will ask them who raised them, and mine will say MY DAD RAISED ME. Sometimes in life, you have to be the better person.

Good luck, you'll get through it.

If you think it would help, do as I did and bring a friend with you. So if you are too upset, they can drive home. I expected to be upset, but was more than thrilled when it was over.

Hi Cat,

I know exactly how you feel. My D was final last month on the 13th. The day before Valentines Day. And it hurt like heck.

WH and OW are still living together, and going on as if nothing was wrong with what they did.

I too, held out hope all this time that he would wake up and realize what he was giving up on.

It has also been almost a year since we have been separated as well. And I am proud of myself that I have been able to provide for my kids, without depending on him. I had always depended on him and was so scared of not being able to make it without him after he left. But I prooved myself wrong. There are times that I don't know what I am going to do with myself for the rest of my life. There are still going to be some big changes for me and the kids in the near future.
Right now I am working out of my home, and able to be home with my girls, but the pay in unreliable, with no benefits. It will be time soon, for me to seek work outside of the home. My oldest daughter really has a problem with this, because she is used to me being here for her all the times. But I consider myself lucky, that I have been able to stay home with them up until this point (my girls are 8 and 4). And I was lucky enough to be able to continue to stay home with them through this rough year.

What is really hard, is that my girls have to stay at the OW house on their dads weekends. WH and OW are always fighting around my girls, cussing and hollaring at each other. My oldest daughter tells me about it. He has threated to leave her on a few occations and OW begs him not to leave. I know that things aren't peachy between them. But he still has some kind of hatred towards me that I just don't understand, and I am tired of trying to figure it out. OW is very controlling over him. All the things that he used to enjoy while married to me, he has no interest in anymore. I thing that he is generally just miserable with the world, but doesn't grasp that it is caused by the choices the he made for himself. So he continues to place blame on me.

My point is, that no matter how happy they seem on the surface, things might not be so rosey for them behind closed doors.

Yes, I still hold out hope that one day, even though the D is final, that he will come to me full of remorse and willing to put our family back together again. But sometimes I think, that if that day would come, I would like to be strong enough to tell him that I have moved on and am happy with my life without him.

I know it is hard, it is hard for me, but try to start making plans for you and your kids future without him. And try to get excited about them.
For instance, I have plans to buy a house within the next 2 years completely on my own. I rent right now, so this would be wonderful thing for my girls and myself. I have also started a my own savings account, and I'm in the process of starting my own retirement account. I don't have a whole lot in savings, but it is my own. These are little things, but they are big to me, as I am learning to be more independent. These are small accomplishments for me, but I allow myself to be exited about them.

Be proud of yourself, because you are a strong woman. You did not chose to be in this situation, but you have made it this far and you will continue to make it.

Best wishes to you,

Mandy

just checking in on you cat.....

i wanted to make sure you're okay

bumping for cat

please check in so we know you're okay

we are all here for you!

Cat,

I'm with Eve... thinking of you.

Still

Here for you also Cat.

In my thoughts

{{{catgirl}}}

Catgirl,

I haven't checked this site for a few days. Please know that I am praying for you. I'll be in your position shortly too. You are not alone. We are here for you.((((catgirl)))

Bump for CG.

How's it going?? Doing ok?

thinking of you

checking in with you, cat. Thinking of you along with everyone else...

Checking in on you too...

(((((((cat))))))

IHC

I first want to say to all of you how much it means to me that you are concerned about my situation. I mean you don't even know me, yet you care more than some of my family and friends do. I give all of you sincere ((((hugs)))) for that. Thanks. You have no idea how much it means to me.

I'm sorry I did not post last night. I was just very emotionally worn out. Well court was a waste of time. I went yesterday, we couldn't come to an agreement, so we go back again. A date hasn't been set yet. Hopefully it will be soon. What WH is offering me I might as well go and live in a cardboard box with the kids. I gave him what I thought was a fair agreement. I made some concessions, but he is making tons of stipulations, not wanting me to raise the kids in my religion, which they have been since they were born, because he knows adultery is not accepted, etc, etc. Crying poverty, yet he has OW paying stuff too.

I remember reading here that you will know when the time is righ to D. I was having regrets, doubts. Well I think I finally realized it yesterday. I don't want this man in my life. D'ing is going to devastate my kids, especially my DS. I think that is why I regretted filing in the first place. If I didn't have kids, I can 100% say I would have walked away already. But I can't go on like this anymore. I want it to end. I wish I never had to see him again.

I am starting to have panic attacks again. Something I haven't had in months. He's not worth it.

I'll try and keep you posted. I would appreciate it though if you kept me in your prayers. Thanks again for caring.

Cat

You know we will Cat. Wish there was something magical I could say to take the hurt away.

(((Hugs))) to you and the kids.

Thanks so much. It's good to know you guys are here for me.

Cat

That is what is so frustrating about all of this stuff. First they cheat, and then they aren't man enough to have any regard for the wellbeing of their family.

Sorry you are going through this. Hang in there, and don't accept less than your family deserves.

I agree. I think it's terrible that now me and the kids have to suffer because of his doings.

He's going to come out with $$ in the end. He has OW's income also. I'm lucky if I'll be able to make ends meet.

now remember down the road when he marries OW, go back and get your child support changed and include her income as part of his, your CS will go up

Let's hope he never marries the wh$re. She's young enough to be my kid's sibling!

But...if it does happen, can I include her income for more alimony too? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Cat,

I'm so sorry... I was thinking of you yesterday. It's to bad things are being dragged out. I know what that feels like. We also got nothing settled at our recent mediation.

We have a court date for intermon (sp) support the first week of April. Right now our finances are still together and we are trying to pay off debt. It's working alot better than it was the past couple of months.

The deal he wanted to give me was also riduculous. I was to get most of the CC but he would pay CS.

I'm sorry again remember we are here if you need to vent.

Still

The fact that you were able to come up with your own humor in the sitch above shows grace under HUGE amounts of pressure. I only hope I have half as much dignity as you do when the time arises for me to deal with all of this in a D. It's a real bummer to have to continue to go to court for this D. You continue to fight, no settling for crumbs for you and your children.

Thanks for posting and letting us all know that you are okay.

Catgirl,
Hsven't been around for awhile and was sorry to see that things have progressed so far for you. I was happy to see that it seems you have come to terms with it and you now say you want it over.

Wishing you peace and God's richest blessings for you and your children.

Oh I plan on fighting, the thing is the laws seem to favor the WH.

As I said he is crying poverty, saying he has so much to pay for...rent, utilities etc. OW is helping him pay, but her income cannot be counted for alimony and child support which I think sucks. He is paying stuff here now due to the temp. orders, why can't he just continue? Doesn't seem to be crippling him financially now.

So I have to go on what he makes, and ask for child support and alimony on that. Even though he is using her income to pay stuff and he really has a lot more disposable income that he is stating. It's just not fair. My attorney knows all this but said the courts will only order him to pay on what he states his income is. The courts will not count OW's income at all.

I asked in my agreement to let me relocate with the kids in th efuture if necessary. I might not be able to afford living in this state and need to move elsewhere. He refuses to agree on that. He doesnt; see the kids much now anyway, why should he care where I live?

I feel that even after the D he will still control me. I have to allow him to take the kids certain times, agree to this, agree to that regarding the kids. It's like I will have no say in my own life! As I said he won't even let me move! (that I will fight)