This ties into a discussion I've got on another thread. But the question is simple.
WHEN did you unequivocally CHOOSE to be with your BS instead of the OP? 100% choose.
Was it before the end of the affair?
At the end of the affair, but before withdrawl set in?
Was it during withdrawl?
Was it after withdrawl began to end?
Thank you!!
I don't know if I fit your parameters Owl.
I'm a FWS who chose neither. I ended the affair and the marriage.
And it was MB that prompted me to do so.
Lexxy, how did MB prompt you to end your marriage?
BS's pointing out to me how agonizing and painful the "fence sitting" "cake-eating" process was.
Several BS's encouraged me to put him out of his misery.
So basically, you never chose BS at all.
Don't think that your situation quite fits what I'm looking for. I should have spelled out FWS's in a recovered/recoving marriage.
Thanks anyway Lexxy...I appreciate you taking the time to look and ask.
Lexxxy, First let me say I am so sorry that the impression you got from MB was to end your marriage..... did you ever think that perhaps these other BS's were trying to share insight into how your BS may have been feeling? What did your BS do that was so bad to deserve whatever it was that you did or for you to choose to jump ship completely?
Owl, as for your questions.... for me it was when the "fog" started to go away probably during withdrawl and I saw that my BH really did want to make this work and that both of us together could choose to turn our marriage into something neither of us imagined.... sure it is hard... sure there are days i wonder... but I know with out a doubt that I made the right decision..... hope that helps.... LIC
For me, after I confessed, the A ended and the fog cleared. The bloom came off the rose quickly once my H knew. OM also did some stuff that made me realize he wasn't who I thought he was, and I was risking my M for someone who wasn't right for me.
It also helped that H and I had some frank discussions and we both made changes that helped our M. It took time, but we are in a better place now.
Sometimes I would wonder if telling was such a good idea, it caused a lot of pain. But, I think maybe we would never have made the changes we did, and we might still be in the same rut/position. You have to be willing to listen to your spouse and compromise.
FCF- So in your case, you never went through any kind of withdrawl/pining for the OM at all? Was there ever any thought of leaving H for OM during the affair?
Owl,
I chose 100% equivocally to be with my BS the day we got married. I believe that was also my choice during my affair, otherwise, I would have just left.
Are you rather asking when my HEART was no longer divided between BS and OP? My CHOICE was to remain married, before, during and after the affair. My heart was no longer divided once withdrawal was over.
Does that answer your question?
NotOnlyWords
Ya know, thinking about this some more...I would say that at some point before the affair, remaining married "felt" more like and obligation than a choice.
In a weird way, during the affair, remaining married felt more like a choice again.
Yes...that answers my question. What I'm really looking for is to figure out how often the WS actually sits and 'chooses' between the OP and the BS. And if they did make a choice, when it was.
You bring a good point...perhaps many/most WS's chose their BS...but just put that choice 'on hold' during the affair?
I'm curious at the number of threads we've got out there right now where it appears that the WS has chosen the OP instead of the BS. I'm also curious if my case was the norm, or the exception. My wife chose OM...but OM basically called off the affair because she was still unsure about how this would work out for the kids.
Do you ever wonder how long the affair would go on if the WS and OP were never caught? Judging by how long some DO go one (years and years), that seems to point to the fact that the WS does not WANT to choose, or CANNOT choose.
In a roundabout way, they are really "choosing" to remain married????
For me, I tried several times to end the affair before being found out....OP would not let me "choose". He would have continued for as long as he could get away with it.
And how many choose the OP simply because they are the only one who "understands" the predicament the WS is in? Or because it "feels" like the easier choice, or because going with the OP somehow "justifies" the affair further, ie, "saves face"?
Good questions.
Or, they simply choose to take all they can get from anyone they can for as long as they can.
Mostly, the choice is, "I want what I want when I want it." Period.
Not choosing for years is also a choice. The most telling choice there is.
with prayers,
True.....What I'm saying is, it means also that they are no more committed to the OP than they are to the marriage, if they are choosing not to choose.
Yes, I went thru withdrawal, and yes I had considered leaving for OM. Now that I am further down the road, I realize what a bad idea that would have been. I felt awful for deceiving my H when I was full blown in the A. But, for some reason, that didn't stop me. It was like once I was away from him, it was outta sight, outta mind.
Owl... are these quite the answers you expected?
Answer from me.
After my H did the best Plan A on the planet and after I came through withdrawal.
After JL whacked me with a gentle "JL 2x4" and Rookkev whacked me with a great big nasty 2x4. After my ghastly relapse last year it was when Evil_Mean_Nasty posted one of the best posts in MB history.
Might sound funny and flippant but it's the serious truth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
My wife actually DID leave me for the OM - was gone from home for 2 weeks.
She committed to the marriage AFTER withdrawal.
Exposure ruined the affair.
Does that help?
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17951664/Owl, I think this might interesting in relation to this discussion.
MEDC
MEDC-
I'm not sure that the answers I've gotten really lead me to a conclusion one way or another.
Which is interesting.
I would have expected a strong trend to either say "When confronted I chose my marriage", or "When confronted I chose OP". I'd guess in reality, it's just the bottom line that most will choose NEITHER. They continue the status quo for as long as they can.
It would be interesting to get a long term overview of how this breaks down.
Good food for thought.
Thanks all for the answers.
Owl, I think most WS's in A's and even when they get caught & confronted want to have their cake & eat it too e.g. they will neither choose the BS nor the OP - they want to have BOTH. As you has said, they will continue the status quo for as long as they can. Even Dr Harley says that after an A when the WS are pressured to end all contact with the OP and even if they choose the BS, WS's usually tries to still keep the OP in the loop somehow. That being said, I think very view WS's will actually leave the BS and give up the M to be with the OP if they are put under great pressure to make a final and clear choice between the BS and OP.
Like notonlywords, I also chose 100% equivocally to be with my H forever (till death do as part) the day we got married… I felt this way and this was my choice before, during and after my EA. The thought of leaving my H never crossed my mind at any stage during our M. However (as explained by notonlywords) my HEART was divided between my H and OM during and after the EA. I was in withdrawal for a very long time, but my heart felt no longer divided once the most intense withdrawal “pains” were over (which lasted a relatively long time too). Last year when I had the resumption, I was back in withdrawal and my heart felt divided again, but the withdrawal “pains” wasn’t so intense than the previous time and passed much quicker.