Orchid, it stikes me that you are talking about two different things here. I understand that what you are talking about is a solid, recovered, marriage. But that in no way changes, or "forgets," that there WAS a different condition at some point in the past.
A former smoker.
A former alcoholic.
A former unbeliever.
A former adulterer/adulteress.
Answer: An Xws can start recovery but not survive it. It takes the real spouse to survive recovery.
I disagree. Again, I understand what you are trying to say, but what it "takes" is real change, it takes real forgiveness, it takes real commitment, it takes real repentance, it takes real love (not just 'in love' feelings). DOING those things results in a "real spouse."
When the A stops it is not a sign the spouse is back.
Of course not. It is the "first step" in the long journey toward a possible reconciliation, but nothing happens without continued effort.
That interim state is where we often label them as the Xws. It is a delicate state where often the BS and family finds themselves walking on eggshells trying to make the Xws fit back into the family.
While the "eggshell" state you refer to may be a "step" in the journey, that "eggshell state" cannot be allowed to continue. That is WHY talking about the affair, about EN's, about obedience to God, etc. are other necessary steps in the process. The BS and WS remain "recovering BS's and recovering WS's" throughout this process. In my opinion, one does not "rate" nor "gain" the appelation of "Former" until such time as the "new has come, the old has gone." In short, not until they reach "Recovered." But I will "make allowance" for a WS who is committed to the recovery journey to "take on" the "Former" designation when they are through withdrawal and through having anything to with the adultery, regardless of whether or not their marriage survives.
Here is where we as BS' often fail. It is not that we aren't trying, it is because we ARE trying that it fails. WHAT?!????
Hear me out..... often when the Xws is let back into the family and no real ground rules have been set (i.e. implementation of boundaries, POJA, RH, etc.) the Xws thinks it is ok to hold onto some of those Ws traits. Anger, being cold, distant, demanding time alone, putting themselves ahead of their families, etc..... all this and more.... it takes the toll on the BS and family. The BS tries to overlook what should NOT be avoided. When the Xws comes back it is the BS and family who s/b having it easier.
Okay, I "heard you out," and I disagree with your description. What you are describing is Conflict Avoidance. NOT addressing problems and looking for solutions to the problems is NOT "trying." It is, at best, hoping that things will change for the better while DOING NOTHING to provide a foundation of change that LEADS TO the desired result. That is, to put it another way, lack of a "Recovery Plan." It is starting off on a journey in the hope and desire of arriving safely at some desired destination, but with no planning and no map of how to get there. In a Christian marriage, the first destination is a "right relationship" with God. Without that, and without the Word of God as the compass and map, it is impossible to "reach" that destintion. Get THERE and "all these things will be added unto you." That's a promise, but it's only a promise to believers. Obedience to God is meaningless to unbelievers, so the creator of marriage, who knows the intent of it and the roles of each person in a marriage, is "left out of the plan."
The Xws should NOT be whiney, selfish and distant.
Yet that is what most of them are. That is why it is an Xws title and most families can't handle such a character in their household for long.
That seems to be a description of "humans in general." We are all "self-centered" by nature. That is part of our "fallen nature," and not the exclusive domain of a WS.
What a WS "should be" or "shouldn't be" is not the question. The question is HOW does one take on a "new nature?"
The "title," as you call it, is US. We are all "wayward" and we all fight against our flesh all the time. That is the nature of sin. It is not enough, imho, to simply stop doing something wrong that has become a habit or an addiction. Stopping is just "step one." It leaves a "void" that must be filled with something else, or the void will remain. It is that filling of the void that recovery is all about.
So until the Xws sheds that title, acts and performs like a real spouse should...then and only then are they truly going down the path of recovery.
Again I have to disagree. There is a way to "shed the title of Wayward Spouse," and that is to become a FORMER Wayward Spouse. That begins with repentance, with turning away from the sin and back to God and beginning the journey back to a "right relationship" with God and with their spouse. But it is NOT an instantaneous "it is done!" sort of thing. It's a journey, a process, of recovery. It's often "two steps forward, one step backward" as both spouses learn new skills and new lessons in their relationship as "husband and wife."
A person can't be an Xws forever. That is a temporary stage in life. At some point they become either a WS or spouse.
There is no question that "Recovered" means just what it says. Recovered "from" what was to what "is." The "moniker" of "Former" is never "shed" simply because the past cannot be "undone." But the past does not have to DEFINE the present or the future.
As the Scripture put it...."and such WERE some of you." That was us "then," this is us "now." Formerly we were...now we are...
Not reckoning Man's sins against him. But make no mistake about it, God does NOT forget the sins, He ACTS as if they did not exist. There will be a book opened at the final judgment where ALL of one's "works" in this life will be exposed and judged. Those who's names are found written in the Lamb's Book of Life will be judged "blameless" because of what Christ did, not because of what we did. "For it is by grace you have been saved, not of works, lest any man should boast."
"At some point they become either a WS or spouse." Agreed. This is a description of a CURRENT state of affairs, if you'll pardon the pun.
It's the same thing as at some point a person either becomes a born again Christian or they remain an unbeliever in a reprobate state. It has been said that two births equals a new creation and one birth equals "no change."
So how does one "rebirth" a marriage? Is it different for believers and unbelievers? How does one become "different" from their past?
God bless.