For Enquiring Minds: What goes on in AffairLand when you are in Plan B - 04/29/07 06:23 AM
I have seen a lot of talk lately, amongst my Killer B's and folks who are in a longer term Plan B...wondering what is going on in AffairLand--curious what their WS and the OP is up to while they are in Plan B. Here, to answer your questions and soothe your enquiring minds, is what goes on in AffairLand while the BS is in Plan B.
Let's start with a little background to set the stage. WS and BS got married and have a couple kids. Like all young couples they thought their love would "conquer all" and never even considered that one of them would cheat. Sure that happens to other people, but their M was different and special and it would never happen to them. But BS put WS through college so they could get ahead in life, and BS always thought that his/her sacrifice would be paid back worth it "someday" when they were successful as a couple. Meanwhile, WS worked and worked to climb the corporate ladder, thinking that he/she was "providing for the family" and doing it to get ahead. BS began to be involved with the kids and their activities and forgot to take time for WS. In fact, when he/she did see WS, he/she complained because WS wasn't helping out. And WS also forgot to make time for BS and began working longer and longer hours at work. Sometimes they didn't even see each other awake for DAYS...and when they did, one or the other of them had negative things to say.
Right about then...enter stage left the OP. OP is a colleague at WS's office, and OP wears nice business outfits and nice cologne--whereas BS wears jeans and a t-shirt. OP knows all about WS's work...what he/she does...how he/she does it...what is hard about it...what is easy about it...what WS struggles with...and probably spends 8 hours a day with WS.--whereas BS is bored hearing about work, has no idea how hard it is, and spends hardly any time with WS. Pretty soon, WS starts talking to OP about a fight that he/she and BS had the night before...and OP is understanding and takes WS's side. Then WS starts going to OP with work conferences and kind of seeks out OP and sits by him/her at lunch. Soon, they are talking like school kids at lunch--phoning each other on the cell phone "for work"--and emailing all night long. And pretty soon after that, one of them mentions that they have feelings for the other ... and that's it. The decide they are "in love" and it becomes a PA. Shortly thereafter, the BS discovers the A (D-day) and finds MB. Everyone with me so far?
Okay, so after finding MB the BS does an appropriate Plan A and the WS goes headlong into the A and moves out to be with OP. The BS goes into Plan B. And THIS is where many of you find yourselves today...either you somewhat recently began Plan B or you have been in Plan B for a little while and your minds are wondering, "What good is this doing? What is my WS up to? Are they still with OP...still in the A? How exactly is this supposed to save my M?"
When a BS goes into Plan B, it is supposed to be after a fairly good, sustained Plan A. So for our story tonight, we will assume that each one of you did a good Plan A so that your WS could see that you realized you needed to make some changes, you MADE the changes, and they are permanent. Plan A shows the WS that the BS is capable of meeting the WS's ENs and capable of creating a love-environment. For me, Plan A was also a reinforcement of me...I became the best ME that I could become and got back to being the person who initially attracted WS and met his ENs!
So, when the WS refuses to end the A, and refuses to do NC with the OP...when the WS moves out of the marital home and (usually) moves in with the OP...the BS goes to Plan B. And while the BS goes through a withdrawal of their own--detaching from the WS and the drama of the A...disentangling their life from the WS's life--here's what is happening to the WS and the OP.
At this point, let's talk a little bit about the WS & OP's "Affair Fantasy." I call it the "Affair Fantasy" because we all know that destroying two marriages, damaging several children, tearing about two families and innumerable immediate relatives (in-laws) IS NOT a "love story." But that is what the WS and OP believe it is in their "Affair Fantasy." In the Affair Fantasy, the WS and OP think that they are star-crossed lovers whom Fate has joined together. Their LOVE can withstand any obstacle (like spouses) and they are SOULMATES. They complete each other, and without each other, their lives miserable--whereas WITH each other, their lives are nothing short of bliss. (Remember...this is their Affair Fantasy.) They fantasize that they are FINALLY understood and deeply loved for who they truly are. The fantasize that the OP can perfectly meet all their ENs without even being told what needs to be done. They fantasize that if they could only "be together" that everyone would be happy for them because they are in love and supposed to be together. They fantasize that their kids will not be harmed or be resentful--in fact, the kids will be happy to see their mommy or daddy finally happy. They fantasize that they can just remove their former spouse from their life and insert the OP...and that they will get to keep all their former money and use it for themselves. Finally, they fantasize that their decisions will have no real consequences to them--everyone will just be happy and accepted and "in love."
THAT is the WS's and OP's Affair Fantasy. Once the BS goes to Plan B, to the Affair partners AT FIRST they think that life is finally going their way! AT FIRST they might celebrate because now they don't have their pesky spouses on their backs reminding them of their guilt. AT FIRST they may act like life is AMAZING because now they can finally be together just like in their Affair Fantasy.
At about this point, the BS can make one of two choices.
CHOICE ONE:
If the BS stays really dark, communicates only through the intermediary, and allows the atty. and court to do the talking for them...here's what happens: The WS begins to wake up in the morning with the OP and guess what? He/she has bad breath in the morning and farts in bed. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy...but (insert foggy excuse here). Then OP's kids are angry with OP and DO NOT LIKE WS AT ALL and are brats around him/her. They leave a mess and OP does not discipline them. They scream at WS "why did you break up my family?" and slam doors. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy, but WS thinks, "Well MY kids are not like that!" Oops! WS hasn't even seen his/her kids in a few WEEKS and they start to feel guilty about that. So WS tries to call BS about seeing the kids, but BS won't be manipulated or guilted into it like they used to be. Hmmmm...now the WS can't see their own children whenever they want to! Hmmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy! Okay, well the WS finally stops calling the BS and writes to the intermediary like they are supposed to, and they arrange to have the kids. But the BS won't let the kids come over if OP is over, and the WS really, really misses the kids, so the WS asks the OP if they can stay away for one night so they can see their kids...AND OP GETS PI$$ED ABOUT IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!?? I thought OP understood everything about the WS! Now OP won't even do this one little thing so WS can see the kids. And after a big fight, and OP finally agrees to go stay at a friends' house...WS gets the kids and takes them to McD's and buys them a new video game...and the kids are MAD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What!! WS's kids are acting just like OP's kids! They're not happy!! Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy.
A few weeks or a month goes by, and WS has to go to court with the BS. WS and OP think "Yay, we will finally be legal! We will finally get the funds from the sale of the house and the judge will tell that stupid BS that we can't afford CS -and- alimony." The WS goes to court, and THE JUDGE tells WS, "You have a choice. Either you sell the house and give BS half the proceeds or you give the house to BS. But you're not getting it. And oh, btw, you are a parent and have an obligation to your children before your lover...so you WILL pay the BS for CS and since BS put you through college and now you can earn a lot more, you have to pay a small amount of alimony too."
The OP is FURIOUS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> How are they supposed to live?? I suppose this means WS will have to work even MORE hours at work, and can't take OP out to dinner or to the bars like they used to. Hmmmm...not exactly like the Affair Fantasy is it?? And OP begins to have projects with another co-worker at the office and stays later and later...and has lunch...and emails with the co-worker...and sure enough, finally one day the OP dumps the WS.
If the BS has been in a dark, silent Plan B...right about then the WS is realizing that the BS was right and that the grass was NOT greener on the other side. But the WS wonders if there is any way they could EVER, EVER work it out again, and has some pride and is afraid to find out. But the BS says, "If you're willing to go to IC and MC with the Harley's for six months, and really work on your issues...I will consider it." And the WS IS willing to do it because their addiction (the OP) went away and the WS withdrew from the fog and could see that they behaved like an idiot.
CHOICE TWO:
If the BS DOES NOT stay really dark, communicates via phone, TM and email, and fights the advice from the atty. and court...here's what happens: The WS begins to wake up in the morning with the OP and guess what? He/she has bad breath in the morning and farts in bed. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy...but (insert foggy excuse here). So the WS speaks to BS about it on the phone, and the BS says not to tell him/her about sex with the OP and they end up in a fighting match, and WS thinks, "That's why I'm leaving BS! I can put up with bad breath and farts any day! I can't stand that screaming (insert name calling here)." Then OP's kids are angry with OP and DO NOT LIKE WS AT ALL and are brats around him/her. They leave a mess and OP does not discipline them. They scream at WS "why did you break up my family?" and slam doors. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy, but WS thinks, "Well MY kids are not like that!" Oops! WS hasn't even seen his/her kids in a few WEEKS and they start to feel guilty about that. So WS calls BS about seeing the kids, but BS hangs up--is demanding and all self-righteous--and is judgmental and critical. Hmmmm...now the WS can't see their own children whenever they want to! Hmmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy! FINE--the WS decides to get his/her atty. to FORCE BS to let them see the kids and claims Parental Alienation. Finally the BS agrees to a night but won't let the kids come over if OP is over, and the WS really, really misses the kids, so the WS asks the OP if they can stay away for one night so they can see their kids...AND OP GETS PI$$ED ABOUT IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!?? I thought OP understood everything about the WS! Now OP won't even do this one little thing so WS can see the kids. And after a big fight, and OP finally agrees to go stay at a friends' house...WS gets the kids and takes them to McD's and buys them a new video game...and the kids are MAD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What!! WS's kids are acting just like OP's kids! They're not happy!! Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy. But it must be because of BS's Parental Alienation, which the atty. will fix shortly.
A few weeks or a month goes by, and WS has to go to court with the BS. WS and OP think "Yay, we will finally be legal! We will finally get the funds from the sale of the house and the judge will tell that stupid BS that we can't afford CS -and- alimony." The WS goes to court, and THE JUDGE tells WS, "You have a choice. Either you sell the house and give BS half the proceeds or you give the house to BS. But you're not getting it. And oh, btw, you are a parent and have an obligation to your children before your lover...so you WILL pay the BS for CS and since BS put you through college and now you can earn a lot more, you have to pay a small amount of alimony too."
The OP is FURIOUS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> How are they supposed to live?? I suppose this means WS will have to work even MORE hours at work, and can't take OP out to dinner or to the bars like they used to. Hmmmm...not exactly like the Affair Fantasy is it?? So the WS calls the BS and pressures the BS to agree to a lessor amount of CS and they end up in another screaming match, calling each other names. The BS is all hurt by the continued abuse...the WS gets to control the situation again and through intimidation gets exactly what they want, and the OP is THRILLED that now they don't have to pay that much!
The OP and WS set up house and continue in their Love Shack. Since the BS has not been in a dark, silent Plan B...right about then the WS is blaming EVERY THING on the BS: the BS's anger, the BS's criticism, the BS's LoveBusters, and the BS's Parental Alienation. NONE of it is the WS's fault. The grass IS greener on the other side. But the WS has some pride and will never, ever consider going back, because that would require admitting that they participated in the demise of the M. The WS never does go to IC, never does learn or grow or change, and the WS and BS end up in D.
Killer B's this is a gigantic generalization...but this should give you some idea of that is going on in AffairLand while you are in Plan B. Now you know why we suggest/request that you stay in a nice, quiet, dark, silent Plan B. It is for your own good (so you can heal from the drama of the A), it is for your M's good (so any love for your WS can be saved), and it is for your WS's good (so that when the A dies it's natural death, they can swallow their pride and return IF THAT'S WHAT YOU--THE BS--WANT!!
Any questions???
Your faithful friend,
CJ
Let's start with a little background to set the stage. WS and BS got married and have a couple kids. Like all young couples they thought their love would "conquer all" and never even considered that one of them would cheat. Sure that happens to other people, but their M was different and special and it would never happen to them. But BS put WS through college so they could get ahead in life, and BS always thought that his/her sacrifice would be paid back worth it "someday" when they were successful as a couple. Meanwhile, WS worked and worked to climb the corporate ladder, thinking that he/she was "providing for the family" and doing it to get ahead. BS began to be involved with the kids and their activities and forgot to take time for WS. In fact, when he/she did see WS, he/she complained because WS wasn't helping out. And WS also forgot to make time for BS and began working longer and longer hours at work. Sometimes they didn't even see each other awake for DAYS...and when they did, one or the other of them had negative things to say.
Right about then...enter stage left the OP. OP is a colleague at WS's office, and OP wears nice business outfits and nice cologne--whereas BS wears jeans and a t-shirt. OP knows all about WS's work...what he/she does...how he/she does it...what is hard about it...what is easy about it...what WS struggles with...and probably spends 8 hours a day with WS.--whereas BS is bored hearing about work, has no idea how hard it is, and spends hardly any time with WS. Pretty soon, WS starts talking to OP about a fight that he/she and BS had the night before...and OP is understanding and takes WS's side. Then WS starts going to OP with work conferences and kind of seeks out OP and sits by him/her at lunch. Soon, they are talking like school kids at lunch--phoning each other on the cell phone "for work"--and emailing all night long. And pretty soon after that, one of them mentions that they have feelings for the other ... and that's it. The decide they are "in love" and it becomes a PA. Shortly thereafter, the BS discovers the A (D-day) and finds MB. Everyone with me so far?
Okay, so after finding MB the BS does an appropriate Plan A and the WS goes headlong into the A and moves out to be with OP. The BS goes into Plan B. And THIS is where many of you find yourselves today...either you somewhat recently began Plan B or you have been in Plan B for a little while and your minds are wondering, "What good is this doing? What is my WS up to? Are they still with OP...still in the A? How exactly is this supposed to save my M?"
When a BS goes into Plan B, it is supposed to be after a fairly good, sustained Plan A. So for our story tonight, we will assume that each one of you did a good Plan A so that your WS could see that you realized you needed to make some changes, you MADE the changes, and they are permanent. Plan A shows the WS that the BS is capable of meeting the WS's ENs and capable of creating a love-environment. For me, Plan A was also a reinforcement of me...I became the best ME that I could become and got back to being the person who initially attracted WS and met his ENs!
So, when the WS refuses to end the A, and refuses to do NC with the OP...when the WS moves out of the marital home and (usually) moves in with the OP...the BS goes to Plan B. And while the BS goes through a withdrawal of their own--detaching from the WS and the drama of the A...disentangling their life from the WS's life--here's what is happening to the WS and the OP.
At this point, let's talk a little bit about the WS & OP's "Affair Fantasy." I call it the "Affair Fantasy" because we all know that destroying two marriages, damaging several children, tearing about two families and innumerable immediate relatives (in-laws) IS NOT a "love story." But that is what the WS and OP believe it is in their "Affair Fantasy." In the Affair Fantasy, the WS and OP think that they are star-crossed lovers whom Fate has joined together. Their LOVE can withstand any obstacle (like spouses) and they are SOULMATES. They complete each other, and without each other, their lives miserable--whereas WITH each other, their lives are nothing short of bliss. (Remember...this is their Affair Fantasy.) They fantasize that they are FINALLY understood and deeply loved for who they truly are. The fantasize that the OP can perfectly meet all their ENs without even being told what needs to be done. They fantasize that if they could only "be together" that everyone would be happy for them because they are in love and supposed to be together. They fantasize that their kids will not be harmed or be resentful--in fact, the kids will be happy to see their mommy or daddy finally happy. They fantasize that they can just remove their former spouse from their life and insert the OP...and that they will get to keep all their former money and use it for themselves. Finally, they fantasize that their decisions will have no real consequences to them--everyone will just be happy and accepted and "in love."
THAT is the WS's and OP's Affair Fantasy. Once the BS goes to Plan B, to the Affair partners AT FIRST they think that life is finally going their way! AT FIRST they might celebrate because now they don't have their pesky spouses on their backs reminding them of their guilt. AT FIRST they may act like life is AMAZING because now they can finally be together just like in their Affair Fantasy.
At about this point, the BS can make one of two choices.
CHOICE ONE:
If the BS stays really dark, communicates only through the intermediary, and allows the atty. and court to do the talking for them...here's what happens: The WS begins to wake up in the morning with the OP and guess what? He/she has bad breath in the morning and farts in bed. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy...but (insert foggy excuse here). Then OP's kids are angry with OP and DO NOT LIKE WS AT ALL and are brats around him/her. They leave a mess and OP does not discipline them. They scream at WS "why did you break up my family?" and slam doors. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy, but WS thinks, "Well MY kids are not like that!" Oops! WS hasn't even seen his/her kids in a few WEEKS and they start to feel guilty about that. So WS tries to call BS about seeing the kids, but BS won't be manipulated or guilted into it like they used to be. Hmmmm...now the WS can't see their own children whenever they want to! Hmmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy! Okay, well the WS finally stops calling the BS and writes to the intermediary like they are supposed to, and they arrange to have the kids. But the BS won't let the kids come over if OP is over, and the WS really, really misses the kids, so the WS asks the OP if they can stay away for one night so they can see their kids...AND OP GETS PI$$ED ABOUT IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!?? I thought OP understood everything about the WS! Now OP won't even do this one little thing so WS can see the kids. And after a big fight, and OP finally agrees to go stay at a friends' house...WS gets the kids and takes them to McD's and buys them a new video game...and the kids are MAD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What!! WS's kids are acting just like OP's kids! They're not happy!! Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy.
A few weeks or a month goes by, and WS has to go to court with the BS. WS and OP think "Yay, we will finally be legal! We will finally get the funds from the sale of the house and the judge will tell that stupid BS that we can't afford CS -and- alimony." The WS goes to court, and THE JUDGE tells WS, "You have a choice. Either you sell the house and give BS half the proceeds or you give the house to BS. But you're not getting it. And oh, btw, you are a parent and have an obligation to your children before your lover...so you WILL pay the BS for CS and since BS put you through college and now you can earn a lot more, you have to pay a small amount of alimony too."
The OP is FURIOUS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> How are they supposed to live?? I suppose this means WS will have to work even MORE hours at work, and can't take OP out to dinner or to the bars like they used to. Hmmmm...not exactly like the Affair Fantasy is it?? And OP begins to have projects with another co-worker at the office and stays later and later...and has lunch...and emails with the co-worker...and sure enough, finally one day the OP dumps the WS.
If the BS has been in a dark, silent Plan B...right about then the WS is realizing that the BS was right and that the grass was NOT greener on the other side. But the WS wonders if there is any way they could EVER, EVER work it out again, and has some pride and is afraid to find out. But the BS says, "If you're willing to go to IC and MC with the Harley's for six months, and really work on your issues...I will consider it." And the WS IS willing to do it because their addiction (the OP) went away and the WS withdrew from the fog and could see that they behaved like an idiot.
CHOICE TWO:
If the BS DOES NOT stay really dark, communicates via phone, TM and email, and fights the advice from the atty. and court...here's what happens: The WS begins to wake up in the morning with the OP and guess what? He/she has bad breath in the morning and farts in bed. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy...but (insert foggy excuse here). So the WS speaks to BS about it on the phone, and the BS says not to tell him/her about sex with the OP and they end up in a fighting match, and WS thinks, "That's why I'm leaving BS! I can put up with bad breath and farts any day! I can't stand that screaming (insert name calling here)." Then OP's kids are angry with OP and DO NOT LIKE WS AT ALL and are brats around him/her. They leave a mess and OP does not discipline them. They scream at WS "why did you break up my family?" and slam doors. Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy, but WS thinks, "Well MY kids are not like that!" Oops! WS hasn't even seen his/her kids in a few WEEKS and they start to feel guilty about that. So WS calls BS about seeing the kids, but BS hangs up--is demanding and all self-righteous--and is judgmental and critical. Hmmmm...now the WS can't see their own children whenever they want to! Hmmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy! FINE--the WS decides to get his/her atty. to FORCE BS to let them see the kids and claims Parental Alienation. Finally the BS agrees to a night but won't let the kids come over if OP is over, and the WS really, really misses the kids, so the WS asks the OP if they can stay away for one night so they can see their kids...AND OP GETS PI$$ED ABOUT IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!?? I thought OP understood everything about the WS! Now OP won't even do this one little thing so WS can see the kids. And after a big fight, and OP finally agrees to go stay at a friends' house...WS gets the kids and takes them to McD's and buys them a new video game...and the kids are MAD! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What!! WS's kids are acting just like OP's kids! They're not happy!! Hmmmm...not exactly the Affair Fantasy. But it must be because of BS's Parental Alienation, which the atty. will fix shortly.
A few weeks or a month goes by, and WS has to go to court with the BS. WS and OP think "Yay, we will finally be legal! We will finally get the funds from the sale of the house and the judge will tell that stupid BS that we can't afford CS -and- alimony." The WS goes to court, and THE JUDGE tells WS, "You have a choice. Either you sell the house and give BS half the proceeds or you give the house to BS. But you're not getting it. And oh, btw, you are a parent and have an obligation to your children before your lover...so you WILL pay the BS for CS and since BS put you through college and now you can earn a lot more, you have to pay a small amount of alimony too."
The OP is FURIOUS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> How are they supposed to live?? I suppose this means WS will have to work even MORE hours at work, and can't take OP out to dinner or to the bars like they used to. Hmmmm...not exactly like the Affair Fantasy is it?? So the WS calls the BS and pressures the BS to agree to a lessor amount of CS and they end up in another screaming match, calling each other names. The BS is all hurt by the continued abuse...the WS gets to control the situation again and through intimidation gets exactly what they want, and the OP is THRILLED that now they don't have to pay that much!
The OP and WS set up house and continue in their Love Shack. Since the BS has not been in a dark, silent Plan B...right about then the WS is blaming EVERY THING on the BS: the BS's anger, the BS's criticism, the BS's LoveBusters, and the BS's Parental Alienation. NONE of it is the WS's fault. The grass IS greener on the other side. But the WS has some pride and will never, ever consider going back, because that would require admitting that they participated in the demise of the M. The WS never does go to IC, never does learn or grow or change, and the WS and BS end up in D.
Killer B's this is a gigantic generalization...but this should give you some idea of that is going on in AffairLand while you are in Plan B. Now you know why we suggest/request that you stay in a nice, quiet, dark, silent Plan B. It is for your own good (so you can heal from the drama of the A), it is for your M's good (so any love for your WS can be saved), and it is for your WS's good (so that when the A dies it's natural death, they can swallow their pride and return IF THAT'S WHAT YOU--THE BS--WANT!!
Any questions???
Your faithful friend,
CJ