I am 23 years old and I just joined this forum. I am in a relationship with a 24 year old female and we have been dating for 10 months. We really enjoy each others company. We also talk about what we would want in a marriage if we one day decided to get married. Recently we had a conversation about how we would handle opposite sex relationships and relationships with ex's once we got married. I told her that if we were married I would be uncomfortable with her going to dinner with an ex boyfriend alone. I said the only way I could accept something like that is if I could come along. However, I personally don't think there should be any contact anyway. She disagrees and even told me that she wouldn't want me to come along because that would be ackward. She also says that she doesn't see a problem with talking with friends of the opposite sex on the phone occasionally or going out for lunch with them. Now, while we are dating we are pretty flexible, but when I get married my marriage will have boundaries and I don't want to marry someone that doesn't respect boundaries. I have a few questions. First, do you think it is wrong for me to want these things in my future marriage? (She said I was acting jealous when we talked about this, however, I stood my ground.) Secondly, why does she feel that this would be harmless? Thirdly, do you think it is right for me to have this as a deal-breaker? Sorry for the long post but I would love to have your advice.

Welcome to MB

VERY good questions to ask before you get M.

Your boundaries that you have are very much the same as Dr. Harley's. You can read about them in the rest of this site.

***"She disagrees and even told me that she wouldn't want me to come along because that would be ackward."***

I think it would be ackward for her to go to lunch with an ex or even want to go to lunch with one.

stick to your ideas - they will lead you very well in your life.

Welcome. You are absolutely right. If everyone had proper boundaries, there wouldn't be a need for this board.

I'm not saying that she is wrong. She may find someone else who agrees that talking and going out with an ex is fine. Then they each will have found their lifemate.

If I were you, I would start dating others. Find someone who wants to get married and leave the past behind.

Finally, a SMART dater shows up here with some good common sense before he takes the plunge. Steve, you are absolutely RIGHT. Your boundaries are perfectly appropriate and indicate an attitude of someone who wants to PROTECT his marriage from harm. This is the correct approach if you are looking for a long term, happy marriage.

Maintaining relationships with past lovers is not only destructive to your marriage, it is disrespectful to you since she knows this is important to you.

Your gf has already told you that she does not respect your feelings about her having relationships with past boyfriends. Not only is her attitude an invitation to an affair, but it is very notable that she does not care about your feelings. This will be DISASTER in a marriage.

In order to have a successful marriage one must have a committment to care for the other partner. It is clear she does not have that if she won't respect your feelings about this.

I think you are wise to consider these things before marriage. I recommend that you buy/read --->
I Promise You preparing for a marriage that will last a lifetime

You read it together...maybe she would then understand the concepts you are trying to get across without it coming from you.

Here is a good book recently written by Dr. Harley that would be very helpful to you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6012_iprom.html

The deal breaker should be the fact that she does not respect your feelings and is not willing to do anything to CARE for your feelings. A successful marriage has to have mutual CARE and mutual RESPECT. Her plan leaves your marriage very vulnerable to affairs and is almost a GUARANTEE of unhappiness for you.

She is GUARANTEEING that she will conduct herself in a way she KNOWS will make you unhappy beforehand. You are pretty much guaranteed an unhappy marriage if you marry her under these conditions.

Going along with that suggestion read the following link:

Four Rules for a Successful Marriage

Thanks for your input. And I will get that book. I guess my other question is why is she so reluctant to embrace that policy? I'm not trying to change her if thats how she wants to live that is fine, but now with me.

Another very good, relatively inexpensive book...that I credit with playing a huge part in our marital recovery: "20 (Surprisingly Simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens.

Its NOT as scary as it sounds. All of the 'rules' make complete sense, and given your questions, would almost certainly show you that you're taking the right approach here.

BTW...very smart to set the boundaries and have discussions BEFORE you get married. Don't ASSUME anything. I'd start setting your boundaries NOW...don't wait until you're married. What make sense then should make sense now, if you're in a serious relationship.

Keeping relationships with XBF is a disaster waiting to happen and it's the same dynamics of why A start.

If for some reason her EN's are not being met by you she may confide in her XBF during these phone conversations or dinners. He probably doesn't LB her and will quickly fill her EN's by talking to her about your R and seeming to be open and honest.

Remember he knows her well and knows what her top ENs are.

You sound like a smart guy who being pro-active as many people go into M ignoring the red flags. Well done.

Well she doesnt have these dinners or phone conversations now, because I told I was uncomfortable with them. The whole issue was that at some point she said she wanted to have a proper closure with him and if we got married she wouldnt see a threat with them going to lunch alone. We both talk about our needs and I do try to meet them. But it just rose a red flag that at some point she would want closer. Well it makes me think that she is not completely over him. You see we met at a wedding where that was supposed to be their goodbye before he moved away, but I ruined that by us getting together.heheh

My hackles rise whenever I see the word, "closure." In the context of human interpersonal relations, it almost always means, "I want a little bit more time with XX, so please don't interfere in my selfish time off from our relationship."

For one heck of a long time, "closure" on an old relationship has been getting done with a letter starting out, "Dear John." I don't think we need to overcomplicate the process one little bit.

So they left on realtively good terms which makes any meeting between them even more suscepable to a reignition of the old flame.

I have a real problem when people use the word "closure" to describe ending a R. In most cases it is simply an excuse to meet again to have your needs met. If she didn't have any feelings for him there would be no need for "closure" I can assure you.

I can guarantee you that her desire to meet this XBF at some point is a VERY slipper slope that cannot be easily stopped.

As Mel said above, do you want to be with a woman who doesn't care for you enough to protect your feelings?

Thanks for all of the advice. I really love this website because I do love to read and learn about relationships. I like to have this assurance as well, because in my generation these concepts of marriage that are presented here are not easily accepted among people my age.

Steve,

Glad people around here can help and you sound smart to be considering and sticking w/ your boundaries. Buyer beware, as you've already noticed.
IMO, closure is BS, a statement from someone w/ an ego that says I want something or need to get the better of someone b/c it was not left to my liking and/or I didn't "win." Who needs that?

Best wishes and stick to your guns.

V/r,
No way

I'm sorry, but this GF of yours is apparently not M material. Not only does she not respect your boundaries, her response suggested that she was giving little consideration to how you would feel in such a situation.

Of course, your relationship is only 10 months old. Perhaps it's a bit too soon to be talking M. It certainly sounds like she isn't ready for such a commitment. Perhaps she might never be.

Steve,

You are right in questioning this. Friendships with members of the opposite sex are simply problematic even with the firmest boundaries in place.

My WH always maintained friendships with women over the course of our relationship. It was, in fact, with one of these "friends" that he had an affair.

I always felt that these friendships were not a problem, now I know better, too late for me, but not for you.

Who

Steve,

Here's a thought - what would your GF say if you were talking, having lunch with one of your past GF???

Would she be fine with it?

- if no - then she is one sided and not thinking of your feeling when she wants to see/talk to her old BFs.

- if yes - then she is just not that into you as they say.

You came here on your own because of your gut feelings. Stick to them.

I'd suggest not putting that question to her. Selfish and entitled people can turn that quickly around to their advantage, i.e. "it's different for me", "I don't know what you would say - that's up to you", or "I wouldn't mind at all", etc. My FWW did that on more than one occasion earlier on in our R when I tried to find out how she would feel if our situations were reversed.

Steve, this is all about YOUR personal boundaries. Either she respects them, or she doesn't. Find out, and act accordingly.

No No - I didn't want you do go picking a fight or questioning her about it. It was more a a thought in your own mind. You know her and you, I guess, would know how she would answer that question.