Marriage Builders
Posted By: miss_my_wife please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 10:06 PM

original post


ok another update... wife is going to stay at her mothers tonight... says she needs a break from us to do some thinking... but its realy because Om is home now .. he was away for 3 months(works away) all she had with OM is EA talked to him for last 3 months on the phone.... and now she tells me she wants to see him to find out if the feelings she has for him are true feelings or when she looks at him all she thinks of is me and she cant go through with it... honestly how the heck do I put up with this bulshiit .... I am totaly back to square one again .. I cant eat and if i do I feel like throwing up..... and suicide is always in my head... I would never do it but why do I think like that? things where going good 2 weeks ago we did alot of talking and just cudling on the couch with a movie and she was kissing me alot more and telling me she loves me... and now he is home and she wants to see him to make sure she is making the right choice.

I explained the whole withdrawl thing to her and she kinda understands it..... I asked her just to make me one promise if she does go to see him to tell me first and dont do it behind my back.... I figure that I deserve that but she told me she cant do that.

is the pain I'm going through realy worth the fight... I realy cant imagine life without her... and she told me the same..... but she told me she never had feelings for anyone else in 15yrs only me and so what does this realy mean if she is able to have feeling for someone else.

I dont know what to do anymore I just want to give up on everything... her ... work... kids... house... I just want to dissapear.
Posted By: Cymanca Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 10:37 PM
Miss,

Quote
she wants to see him to make sure she is making the right choice


She made her choice 15 years ago. How can you let her talk you into making this a contest like picking out a new dress? If you even pretend to listen to this hooey and worse yet, ackowledge that she has a CHOICE, YOU HAVE LOST ALREADY.

Please don't permit her to make you a willing accomplice to her adultery.
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 10:40 PM
I agree with Cymanca. I certainly wouldn't watch the kids so she can go be with her lover. And I would let her mom know that she is meeting her affair partner.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 10:44 PM
thats the thing.. I realy cant stop her from seeing him.. she tells me she just wants to see him to see if they are true feelings for him... I told her if she see's him she is going to want to kiss him... and she said nothing!

I think i already lost her... she said if she comes back its because thats what everyone else wants.
Posted By: JinGA Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 10:45 PM
Do NOT enable her seeing OM in *any* way. Tell her mother - tell anyone who can help stop it.

And *please* - if you are thinking of suicide - please please please get help. Call a prevention line - get in to see your doctor ASAP. Anti-D meds can help this a lot while you sort out everything else.

Take care...

JinGA
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 11:04 PM
Om is from wife's step dad's family and her mom knows all about OM and she and I dont realy get along so she is all for it probly..... most ppl on her side of the family just tell her to do what ever makes her happy... it makes me sick

and as for the suice well I would never do it I have 2 beatiful boys that are my world ... but is it normal to think this way... I even think what i would say in the letter I would leave behind.

I have no way of stoping her from seeing him... there is a party at OM moms house sunday night and she wants to go.. she says its just a family gathering and OM mom invited her.

I dont have much of a chance.
Posted By: JinGA Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 11:08 PM
Well I never figured my XH would either - but once I found a scribbled "Last Will and Testament" he left for me to find, to let me know he was considering it. Suicidal thoughts should never EVER be taken lightly.

I think it's normal to feel hopeless and discouraged.. but you know yourself best - just don't ignore those feelings, and don't act on them - but DO see your doctor, OK?

Well if she insisted on seeing OM, I'd change the locks ... but that's not MB advice, that's just me.

Wish I had some real wisdom to impart.

JinGA
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 11:17 PM
I already changed the locks... 3 months ago... and that didnt go over well... but I wanted to for my own privacy...
Posted By: JinGA Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 11:26 PM
So does she have a key now?

Point being - if she's choosing OM over you, make it stick.

This isn't a matter of her sitting on the fence weighing her options. She's clearly crossing a boundary with you, and if she decides to come back home again, will you allow it even if she won't go NC with OM?

If you don't enforce your boundary, who knows how many times she'll bounce back and forth.

JinGA
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 06/30/07 11:36 PM
If you are planning what to write in your suicide note, I urge you to see your doc. I know you think your wife is a wonderful woman, and you don't want to live without her, but believe me, you will get through this and be happy again. There aren't a lot of good men around, and I'm sure you will do just fine - IF you are still alive.

I think I would let your wife know that you are tired of being one of her many choices, and that you took your vows seriously. If she wants to date, maybe the 2 of you should get a financial agreement in writing.

Does she work outside the home, or does she have a lot of time on her hands?
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 12:17 AM
ok thanx for the advice ppl... you guys are the best...

ok no she does not have a key now.
I want her back in the house so I can moniter her NC with OM ... if she is at her mothers.... I have no idea what she is doing... and if she is back in our house and has contact with OM then no I will not stand for that and she will have to leave.... but it seems to me she just wants contact with him once just to see how she feels then she will make her choice I guess... I will not pu up with her having contact with OM while in my house... and she knows that!!

and yes she does work... but what kind of finacial agreement? right now I have everything house, truck .. everything in the house.... she is just living at her mothers in a bedroom. I have alot to lose if it goes to court.

I realy dont want to go see my doctor ... the first time my wife left I told her I was having these thoughts... and she thinks it just to put guilt on her... but that is soo not it.... I know you guys told me before I would get through this and I did... so I will get through this again.... but maybe meds will help... I donno
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 01:19 AM
Get the meds. It is none of your wife's business what you tell your doc. That would be like someone purposely running you over, and then asking their opinion on what kind of medical treatment you should get.

You should be able to get anti-D's from your regular doc, and they will really help you feel good enough to keep up this fight. There are some that have sexual side effects - so avoid those, but many do not.

Your boys are depending on you to fight for your family.

Sounds like you are okay financially.

I'm just worried that you will lose you love for your wife. That is one of the dangers, and especially for men.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 01:47 AM
thanx believer!! I just talked to wife tonight I droped our boys off with her... and things seemed good she was all smiles and grabing my face and saying how good I looked... I asked her if she was going out sunday night with me or is she going to the party were OM is going to be(its a long weekend here in Canada) she told me she wants to go to the party and doesnt think its a big deal cus everyone is going to be there and she is not going to be alone with him.... I told her if she goes there is no coming back.. I just cant do it anymore ... she said ok I hear what your saying and she just left it at that. .. so I guess this weekend will tell me alot about her choices then I will go see the doc. so I can get through this.
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 02:17 AM
Good job. She has no business going to the party. My goodness, she has a family, and husband at home. Did she get married very young or something? She doesn't sound like she appreciates her family much, or at least she is willing to risk losing everything.

Please do see your doc. The meds really help get through this stuff. Hopefully you and your wife will get back together. But if you don't, I promise you will never regret trying. Also our MB men seem to do quite well if they end up divorced. But let's hope for the best.
Posted By: Resilient Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 03:11 AM
MMW,

Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Jo
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 02:13 PM
well it seems I am back to plan A to try and negotiate with her to have NC and so far she has stopped calling him for about 3 weeks now... but now that he is home I need to keep negotiating with her not to see him... and if she does then its to plan B
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 02:31 PM
How long have you been in Plan A? Watch for contact, because it is very likely that she will make contact with him. She will just lie about it.

It is hard with him being gone for months at a time because the fantasy never gets a chance to die.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/01/07 02:47 PM
this is the 2nd time in plan A... the first time was 4mth ago so I went to plan B and it worked the fog lifted and she wanted to start talking again and come back... and now she is going throu the withdrawl stage I guess... so its back to plan A to try and keep negotiating with her to have NC.. its only been not even a week.. but tonight will tell I guess if she goes to that party where he is going to be .. then its to plan B
Posted By: medc Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 01:27 AM
If you have any thoughts of suicide...DO NOT let a primary care doctor prescribe ad's for you. That is a horrible plan. The rate of suicide after being on ad's is higher than not. Get to a psychiatrist and do not consider taking these meds unless you are being montitored by a psych.

Rdcognize that this stuff hurts like helll. Expect it... it is going to happen. If she wants to go to the OM and you can't stop her....go see a lawyer and send her asss packing. Bye, bye. Put the OM on notice that you will take any possible legal action against him...and have a lawyer send him a letter. A strong bluff here might scare him off to another poa... and that is what your wife is to him, a poa.

Seriously, you don't need this drama in your life. I don 't know your age...but let me tell you, if I wasn't a full time dad, I could go out on 7 dates a week. Believer is right....there is a shortage of men out there and you don't need to be wasting your time and energy on a woman that is not deserving of either.

Good luck.
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 01:46 AM
And MEDC is right about seeing a specialist. Thanks for catching that MEDC.
Posted By: MarriedMom Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 02:58 AM
How did today go? I hope she chose you.. It is awful that she is doing this. What does she say about the kids? I mean she must know one day they could find out about it.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 02:49 PM
ok she didnt go to the party where OM was going to be and she didnt go out with me either she stayed home with our boys... she told me she can see my point why I dint want her to go to the party... but she just said she wanted to go cus her mom was going and didnt think it was going to be a big deal... its not like she was going to be alone with OM.

I think she didnt go cus I told her that if she did there was no coming back!! and she wasnt ready to make that choice yet... I realy think she would have went if I didnt say that.... she just left for work now and I asked her if she is staying at my house tonight or her mothers... she said she didnt know.... all her stuff is still at her mothers.. and she doesnt want to take it all out until she knows what she is doing.
Posted By: JinGA Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 03:17 PM
Well that's a *small* victory - but there's still plenty unresolved that's for sure. At least she knows you are serious about your boundaries and that is a good thing.

How are *you* feeling today?

JinGA
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 06:04 PM
feeling alright today.. it does feel like a small victory.. but I still dont feel like I should get my hopes up... i droped her off at work and she wouldntt give me a kiss goodbye... she will kiss me in our house but not in public.. cus she tells everyone that we are just talking when they ask if we are back together.

I emailed her some stuff to read about withdrawl and she read it and I think she is starting to understand it.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 06:18 PM
this is what Mr. Goodstuff replied to me original post.. I didnt know how to bmup it over.



It seems to be a bit unfortunate but your wife is behaving like a classic “cake eater”. She has you and she has him. She may continue in this manner if you permit it. But your choices are limited because your objective is to have her end it with the OM and return to the marriage. To complicate matters it appears to me from what I have gleaned from your posts that your wife does not think that she has already committed an act of infidelity. To state it clear so that there can be no misunderstanding “your wife is in the throes of an affair”. The physical aspects such as intercourse are a foregone conclusion on her present course. In fact, you should be prepared that the affair has already progressed to a physical state. Regardless, the advice to you is based on the emotional connection that your wife has made with a man outside your marriage and it matters little whether or not there was a physical side. In fact your issues would be much easier to counsel if your wife’s affair were only of a physical nature.

So, everything that is described above is the very typical “wayward spouse”. Your wife hardly has the market cornered. She wonders if the feelings she has developed for the other man are some kind of significant sign that she has found her “soul mate”. She questions that her love for you may never have been real in view of the fact that she has become attracted to another. Perhaps she may protest that the love that she feels for the other man is a chance occurrence that happened simply because it was “mean to be”.

Of course, none of what is described above are legitimate reasons for the actions that have happened. They are merely excuses for the simple fact that your wife ALLOWED someone access to what was reserved solely for husband and wife. Further, she really has no understanding of what inspires love between two people and how such love occurs and sustains itself. These are the things that she has yet to learn and I am willing to wager that you are as ill-informed as she is. This too, is normal. Right now, what you need to know is that, if she allows it, she can love you again. Remember this, ANYONE can fall in love with someone else, IF they both allow it to happen, even you.

You are unfortunately “where you are” and the ONLY way to open the door to reconciliation is for your wife to end ALL contact with the other man. She likely knows that what she is doing is the “wrong thing” but so long as the other man remains a part of your love triangle she will be unable to understand what has happened to her and will thus rationalize her way to create reasons why she should leave you for him.

So your first step, before any other step, is to not enable the affair in any fashion. In fact, anything you do to help end the affair will benefit your marriage. What can you think of? Prepare a list of any and every way that you can think of that will make her ongoing affair more difficult. Note, that you already have her back in the house and that is a good thing, but it falls far short of “getting the job done”. What else can you do? Consider exposing the affair to whoever might help end it. What about the OM’s mother?

I have to run now but, please, think about this. NO CONTACT is the key.

Mr. G
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/02/07 06:21 PM
wow thank you that is some good advice... I never thought of talking to OM mother .. I dont know her but from what I hear she is a realy nice person... butwill this push my wife further away?... I realy think she might just lose it if I talk to OM mother... but it does seem like a good idea.

how do I bump your thread over to my other thread I started a new one.. "titled wife wants to see OM"
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/04/07 08:37 PM
having a bad day today!! went to the drive-in last night with the wife and kids.. thoyght it would be good cus it was something we always use to do with the kids... but I could tell she did not realy want to go and when we got there she just sat ther and I could tell she wasnt happy.

kids fell asleep after first movie so we talked... she said the same ol ****** .. doesnt know what to do... are her feelings for OM true.... if she comes back home she thinks everything is going to be the same... bla .. bla ..bla.

I am realy just getting tired of hearing about this OM and her wanting to see him... it just kills me .. I cant take it anymore.... I was kinda hard on her last night... I asked her does she have any morals... and when we took our vows it was to death do us part... and not until I have feelings for someone else.... and I aslo said to her when Lucas turns say 16 he is 7 now... are you going to be able to look him in the eye and tell him you left daddy for another man?... she started to cry and said you dont think I think about that... she said that I was just putting guilt on her and she doesnt think she should come back just for guilt.

she told me she went on the internet today to try and find some help..... her main question is how does she know what is right and wrong.... she says she realy doesnt know... despite everything i tell her..... she wants to know how is she supose to tell if the OM is the wrong answer... and she tells me thats why she wants to see him so she can figure it out on her own... she says she might look at him and only think of me... but she might not.

she wont post on here cus she doesnt want me to read what she says.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/04/07 09:11 PM
Here is something your W may find helpful. I would suggest she read "After the Affair", by Janis Spring. The book is set up and addresses BS separately from WS. It gives both POV's and questions to ask yourself.

Here is what is says at the start of Chapter 3.

"Once an affair is out in the open, you need to decide whether to work on rebuilding your relationship or end it. Whichever you decide, I encourage you to choose it deliberately, and not to act on feelings alone.. Feelings, no matter how intense, are based on assumptions that are often highly subjective and may prove to be unrealistic, unuseful or untrue. What feels right to you now you may later regret as an impulsive and unprocessed responsee that can't be easily reversed."

Have your W read what I posted and see if she would be interested in reading the book. She could start by just reading the parts addressed to the unfaithful partner.

I thought this would be relevant based on what you posted she said.


LC
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/04/07 09:20 PM
I have your email thanx... so you will email her the message board?... she realy need someone to talk to and not her family.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/04/07 09:34 PM
Yes, I will email her the website. I did have a message from an addy I didn't recognize. Did you send me a message already? If so I will reply. There wasn't a message attached and didn't want to send anything affair related to an unsuspecting party.

Edited to add: I don't want to post it here because this site would be incredibly painful for a BS to read. I caution you to not read there initially. I posted there back in 03-04. Once I confessed my H wanted to know about the message boards I had posted on and he read some of my posts. Witnessing my withdrawal almost made him physically ill.

LC
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/05/07 11:44 PM
well not doing good... LC I went out and bought the book and read it for about 3 hrs last night ... it is a realy good book and I think it will help my wife... it pertained to alot of questions she has been asking herself... so I was going to give her the book today .. only I recieved a phone call from her 7:30 am to tell me she seen OM last night... she said it was nothing his mother was there and her sister was there.... and get this MY KIDS where there... she said she went to see him cus she promised OM son she would make a scrapbook with him and that is the only reason why she went... but then she tells me my boys got along great with OM son.... so i sent her an email today let me know what you guys think.

my email I sent to wife....

ok where do I start... I could go on for hrs....4 months back I take even amount of blame why we split up... and I understood why it happened and back then I realy did believe that you where not thinking straight and I should wait .... and from ppl I talked to back then they told me I should wait no matter how paINFUL IT IS... cus your wife will come around and think things over... I did the best i could!!! but now I do believe you have a level head and know the consequesses of your actions... you knew how I felt about you seeing chris and yet you still only think of yourself and not the ppl you hurt in the proscess... ya ay you need to figure it out for yourself and see if your feeling are true.... well its not like buying a new dress.. you have choices to make... the old dress that you loved and still love for 15 yrs or this new sexy dress that is going to make you feel good... problem is you love that dress you had for 15 yrs.. and you dont want to through it away and get rid of it... but you still would like to have that sexy dress.... problem is that the sexy dress does fade away and become old then do you though that dress away... you get my point... fix that old dress maybe cut it shorter do whatever it takes so you dont have to part ways with it..... thing is tracy I am not going to be here while you try both dresses on... and see what one fits better!!

the fact that my kids where there realy hurts... and you should know this .... its good to see Luc(my son) got along with his possible new extended family and you had some good bonding time with yours... just makes me feel great!! angain only thinking about yourself.

if you get the book chapter one will tell you how I felt through this whole thing and just about all them where right on the money and kinda makes feel that I am not alone... although I did have most of the feelings a women would have if they where the hurt spouse.... if you get a chance to read it .. it might help you understand how much pain I actualy went through... this was a quote from a girl in the book " I was molested as a child and the pain that I felt when my husband cheated on me was much more great... I was raped by a complete stranger ... I was hurt by the love of my life the one person you are supose to trust not to ever hurt you the pain doesnt compare"

chapte 2 explains what you went through and how you were also hurt and how you justifeid it in your head for doing what you do... and I do understand it all.

focuss reading chapter 3 and 4.

I am going to ask you to keep the kids for awhile .... I hope you read the book and find your answers..... I only got half way through ch 4 .. I was up for 3 hrs reading it l;ast night... I just need time alone... you can do what you want ... I just hope you read the book... and maybe you will see your answers...... but in the mean time to me you already threw that old dress away...

good luck with everything and I wish you well..... I am not going to be that old dress to come out of the closet every now and then.... I now i am a good person and a good father and was a good husband.... someday you will realize it and wished you tried to fix things... I know I did everything I can to best of my knowlkedge to get through this.

I just cant get over the fact that you knew it would hurt me and still did it.... I would never intentianl hurt you... to better myself.

I know we have kids and I ask you to keep them for awhile until I get through this.... and if you need me just keep it to emails for the time beeing.

godd luck

love you always
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/05/07 11:48 PM
this was her reply....


Johnny.............stop.................im not only thinking of myself
all ive done is thinkabout you and the boys...thats why I havent just
moved on......come on you have to know that......you are a big part of
my life and you know that I love you .... always


then my reply

yes I do believe you think about me .... but yet you still choose to hurt
the ones you love and love you... i try my best to understand it ....all I
know is i tell myself I will get through this cus I am a good person!!

the one fact that I read about men scares me is that the less contact I have with you my love for you will fade...... but right now I am just going to
let you be... and try and help myself.

kiss the boys each night for me.

take care of yourself tracy from the inside first.

love you always
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/05/07 11:54 PM
I hope you are planning to stay in your home. If you leave, she can say that you abandoned your family.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 12:05 AM
oh yes I am not going anywhere... she is still at her mothers... but i will not let her stay here anymore.. as she has been staying a night here and there.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 12:11 AM
Miss my wife,

Sorry about my confusion, I got an email from a name I didn't recognize, I assume it was you or your W, but wanted to be sure before I sent the info I told you about. Did either of you email me a blank message?

I have a message ready for your W, if it comes to you please forward it to her.

LC
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 12:17 AM
yes I sent you a blank page by accident... I sent your email to my W... but she only has access to a puter at work I told her she can come here and use the computer whenever she wants... she came and got the book anyway so i guess she is going to read it first.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 12:21 AM
I'm sending the message as soon as I post this. Perhaps you can share it with her.

I am sorry you are going through this. I certainly hope she comes out of the fog and sees what she is doing.

LC
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 08:10 PM
W called me this morning... she was upset and wanted to see me....but I told her I just need some time alone now... i dont know if that was the right thing to say or not... but I do want to be alone right now... and I dont want to just jump right back into her arms cus she wants me now.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 08:12 PM
Did she mention if she has been reading the book?
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 08:40 PM
yes she has...LC
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/06/07 09:03 PM
Good. I would venture to say her need to see you is guilt over what she is doing. Like you said the book certainly portrays what is going on with the BS. Maybe she is starting to see what she is doing to you, hopefully enough to start to dissipate some fog.

LC
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/07/07 11:08 AM
ok W called me last night a hundred times and finaly when I took her call around midnight... she told me she wants to move back in and make it work and that she caled the OM and told him that she is not able to see him or talk to him anymore... she told me OM said she should go back and realy try to make it work... bla ..bla .. bla Om always tring to say the right things.

she was crying to me on the phone and sounded like she realy wanted to work on things... but I told her I just feel numb and I dont know what I feel right now.. yes I do love you and always will... but I am not going to let myself get hurt again.... if she wanted to come home last week I would be all over it with a big smile on my face!... but why am I not smiling now? I told her before if she ever did go see him things would be different and that is what I feel now I think... yes my heart says bring her back and work things out this is what i was fighting for ... for the last 4 months... but why doesnt it feel like I won? I feel like I could just walk away right now and not shed a tear.... but it was only tuesday night I was crying in bed when I though I lost her... how can my feelings change that quick? should I bring her back in the home right away before she changes her mind? or give it some time to see until I come out of this numb stage?

thanx ppl
I will check back after lunch
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/08/07 10:35 PM
ok.... W is moving back in tonight ... I though about it all weekend and I know its the right thing to do .... we talked about some of our concerns and mine is that I am afraid of getting hurt again and having her leave and her concern is that she moves back in and nothing changes between us.... and she told me she honestly thinks that everything is still going to be the same... when she talks like that she jus has a poor attidude about everything and it pisses me off... I told her if she moves back in I am not going to be the only one putting forth the efort to fix our M and if she doesnt want to put forth the efort dont come back! she said she wants to try .. but to my it doesnt sound like a possitive "want to try it"... it just sounds like "ya ok lets try it"... but I always found she had that kinda attitude about everything anyway.. maybe thats just her.

thanx for all the support everyone I will keep you posted.
Great news - so you're back to Plan A. How serious is your W about NC, is she willing to be open and transparent? (From your snooping, she has been in recent contact.)

Any chance of the two of you doing marriage counseling?

Quote
we talked about some of our concerns and mine is that I am afraid of getting hurt again and having her leave

Well, par for the course would be that you do get hurt some more. Your WW is still in a brain-addled state, and sure to be surly, angry, moody, disrespectful, etc... before all this is over. She may even make further mistakes/contact with OM. How do you want to react should that happen? I think you want to keep your Plan A game face on for a while. She is allegedly concerned nothing will change; you may have a chance to show her you at your best.

Quote
when she talks like that she jus has a poor attidude about everything and it pisses me off...

Its okay to feel that way (and express it here), but you have to let her feel free/safe to express her true feelings, even doubts about the marriage. She's entitled to her own thoughts, feelings, concerns, and beliefs. You don't have to agree. You don't have to accept all criticism of yourself as valid. But we all have room to be better spouses. And even if you are a model husband, your goal is to help her choose the marriage and heal herself and your family.

Hope her moving back goes well.

- WG
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 01:04 AM
thanx for the reply... yes she seems prety serious about no contact with OM .. as when she told him this I didnt even ask her this time she just did upon herself ... and there is a weddin coming up that she wants to go to and OM is going to be there and she said she will not go cus he is going to be there.

I will still try and keep an open mind when she express her feelings but some times it hurts and I just feel like I had enough... but I cam this far I am sure I can handle the rest of this journey.

thanx everyone.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 03:02 PM
I'm glad to read your W moved back home.

How are things going?

LC
Posted By: Owl Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 03:25 PM
It does sound like a positive step.

I would heartily recommend that you INSIST on a few things to protect yourself, however.

She MUST agree to MC...of your choice.

She MUST agree (as it appears she has) to NC with OM...FOREVER.

She MUST agree to become completely transparent to you. All cell phone records, email, etc...all out in the open. Explain to her that this is REQUIRED to allow you to rebuild your trust in her. PERIOD. If she cannot do this, you cannot trust her, your marriage will not recover.

She MUST agree to the 15 hours/week recreation time.

You get the idea. Set your boundaries STRONG. Make it clear that you're LETTING her come back, that you're giving HER another chance...you're not begging for her to give you another shot.

Make sense to you?
Posted By: sugarshack Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 03:34 PM
So how did it go when she moved back in last night? Good luck -- We're pulling for you!
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 09:28 PM
well life sucks again!!! I just dont know anymore!! wife stayed here last night and was supose to bring all her clothes from her mothers house but only brought a change of clothes for the morning and she was distant again and kept to herself didnt want to talk about anything tired of talking. then last night in bed I told her I dont know if I can do this it just hurts to much when I see her like this ... you either want to be here or you dont.

she is back to not knowing if she wants to move in she is off the next 2 days and that is supose to be when she was going to get all her stuff and know she tells me she is not sure..... she says she just feels it is not going to work and everything will go back to the same as it was before... and she doest want to move back in and then move back out again she doesnt want to do that to the kids.

the thing is when i told her last week that I didnt want to see her anymore I just needed some time alone to figure things out ... she was calling me and crying to me on the phone telling me she need to see me... and it felt so good and real.... I told her today i feel like that is what I should do again just to see if she has the same reaction when she knows its over.

she is at work now and not off untill midnight .. I emailed her and asked her if she could leave and come home and see me cus I am not doing realy good right now and i have my boys here and I just cant stop crying... but I am hiding it good from them.... I even broke down at work today and started to cry that never happened to me before... I walked away before anyone seen me.

she is not hiding anything from me I have her eamil password and she dont own a cel phone.
she says she is not up for MC
asked her if we could spend 15 hrs a week together she laughed and said were do we find the time... but also said we could find the time.

she also told me she canoth tell me her true feelings cus I will get upset and call it quits with us.
she said yes she could move back in and just live the life and she says she knows nothing is going to change ... she says she feels like a visitor in her own home now.

LC when she though I was leaving she read some of the book ... but now she says she doest have time to read and it just puts her to sleep if she tries to read a book.

its back to excuse after excuse

I need help ... again
Posted By: Lexxxy Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 10:02 PM
if she is out of contact with OM, then she is going through withdrawal -- and you need to lower your expectations of her interest in the marriage and you.

She is just not gonna get "into" the marriage yet.

Distance yourself and let her get over him for a few weeks.
I'll bet you will start to see a change.
(keep monitoring for no contact tho!)
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 10:08 PM
it just feels like if we put distance between us right now I am right back to were I started 4 moths ago.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 11:27 PM
ok W just called me from work cus I sent her an email how i feel.... she told me not to be upset that she is just expressing her feelings but she still wants to move forward with me and not OM but she is not sure if moving back in right now is the right thing to do.

she also told me that she wants to go to a wedding in to weeks time OM's sister is getting married she is a friend of her family and she wants to go to see her get married but she said she would not go to all the other funtions that go along with the wedding (reception and stuff)
she is asking me if she can go so i guess theat is a good thing.... do I let her go?... it will be just to go to the church and see her walk down the aisle but OM will be there will I push her away if I tell her she cant even go to a wedding? I already told her she can not got to the reception or the super for the wedding and she agreed.

phuck I hate this life!!
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/09/07 11:30 PM
My goodness, for someone who wants no contact with the other man, she sure comes up with a lot of excuses to contact him.

Look at the picture - her marriage is in danger, she is a cheater, but you are willing to forgive her. All of a sudden now it is urgent for her to go to the other man's sister's wedding??????????? And you are buying this hogwash????????
Posted By: grindnfool Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/10/07 12:39 AM
I read only about half of your post, so forgive me if I am missing something.

One thing that struck at me is you need to calm down and stop all the R talk. When you are with her, Plan A and have a good time like you did when you were dating. Make her realize all that she is missing. It seems as if she is reaching out but you need to lay off the R talk, stop being needy, and try to be as upbeat as you can.

I know it is difficult, I have been there, but it seems to me this is your best recourse to combat the OM.

A few weeks of this and I'll bet she is ready to come home.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/10/07 01:17 AM
Quote
she also told me that she wants to go to a wedding in to weeks time OM's sister is getting married she is a friend of her family and she wants to go to see her get married but she said she would not go to all the other funtions that go along with the wedding (reception and stuff)
she is asking me if she can go so i guess theat is a good thing.... do I let her go?... it will be just to go to the church and see her walk down the aisle but OM will be there will I push her away if I tell her she cant even go to a wedding? I already told her she can not got to the reception or the super for the wedding and she agreed.

My 2 cents is she just wants her "fix" by seeing OM, I don't buy she wants to see the bride walk down the aisle. Family friends or not, it only has to do with showing herself off to the OM.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/10/07 01:41 AM
believer and LC... I wasnt buying this one bit and I will tell her she can not go and if she does she knows where I stand although I said that before...lol

grindnfool... I think you are right I do need to lay off the R talk it just makes both our minds go crazy and I will try to plan A it but phuck I am getting tied of this.

this saturday coming up she tells me there is a dance she wants to go to ...all of her work friends are going and no OM will not be there he does not know anyone from her work... so I ask her why havent you asked me to go with you... she said well you dont know anyone from my work... I said I dont care I just want to go with you.... she said well I dont know..... I said why... she said well none of my work friends realy know whats going on with us and it will feel wierd to show up there with you.

I just dont know what to think anymore or what to do.
Posted By: lifeschoice Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/10/07 02:03 AM
Quote
I wasnt buying this one bit and I will tell her she can not go and if she does she knows where I stand although I said that before...lol

Exactly how do you plan on telling her she can't go. I had a very big problem with my H "telling" me what I could or couldn't do right after d-day. I felt very bossed around and whenever he told me I had to do something I wanted to do just the opposite. I realize this is very irrational WS thinking, but that is where she is right now.

I hope the MB veterans can suggest the best way to tell her she can't go w/o it backfiring in your face. Right now the potential is high it will.

Quote
this saturday coming up she tells me there is a dance she wants to go to ...all of her work friends are going and no OM will not be there he does not know anyone from her work... so I ask her why havent you asked me to go with you... she said well you dont know anyone from my work... I said I dont care I just want to go with you.... she said well I dont know..... I said why... she said well none of my work friends realy know whats going on with us and it will feel wierd to show up there with you.

Nope, I don't buy this one either. All you have to tell them is the 2 of you decided you wanted to go out on a date and thought you would join the fun. There is no reason to tell them anything else. It might actually be good for the 2 of you to go dancing together. Line up a sitter now, so she can't use that as an excuse next. If she tells you she isn't going because you want to go, don't fall for that either. She will come up with one excuse after another over why you can't go.


LC
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/10/07 02:16 AM
ya I know it is going to backfire she already told me before she doesnt like me telling her what to do and when I tell her what to do she says she wants to do it anyway... just because I said not to...
but I do not tell her what to do anymore I explain it to her she has a choice to make and I can not stop her from doing anything... and she will have to decide for herself and way the pros and cons herself..
Posted By: bendover49 Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/10/07 09:01 AM
Do not allow her to go to this dance without you. Yes, she will feel wierd with you there most likely because she has been to work-related events with the OM. Her friends may very well wonder who you are. For this reason, and for the other likely reason that the OM may be there, I'm betting she won't go if you insist on going.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/10/07 02:39 PM
How do you tell her not to go? Simple.

First, you cant TELL HER. If you do, like LC said above, she will feel bossed. But you can tell her what is up and what her choices are....of course, no ultimatums!

Something like this:

Quote
"Honey, I heard what you said about wanting to go to OM's sister's wedding. And under normal circumstances, before everything that has happened, there would be no problem in this. But these are not normal times. And neither of us are in a position where we can take, nor our marriage can take, more pain and problems.

If you were to go to this, you must know that I would be back here with all sorts of visions in my head. I know you say I should trust you...but if the situations were reversed right now, would you trust me?

I know our marriage can be made whole again. But I also know that wont happen if it continues to take hits. Of course, I cannot stop you from doing anything. But decisions in our marriage should be made by both of us...both of us should agree or else we dont do it. And I know how I feel, and how I will feel if you go.

I know that it causes a problem, as you want to be there for this gal. But things have changed because of what has happened. Things we cant just blow off as nothing. So, I am saying that I believe that you going to this wedding will hurt me and our marriage even further and I want you to think about that and make the right decision."

Or something like that!
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/15/07 07:32 PM
ok...wife went to dance without me last night ...even though I told her I would like to go with her... she told me she just wanted a girls night out... I told her she is hurting me again... and I know that you need to have a girls night out now and then but now is not a good time for that.

so this morning i told her I am tired of getting hurt and I am done... I just cant do it anymore... I do not want to lose her but I just hate feeling like this... she told me she doesnt think we can fix things between us.... but she hasnt even tried... she is coming here at 8pm tonight to talk I told her I want an answer ... I told her I am tired of living like this not knowing where I stand and she said she will not go to MC ... she told me she doesnt think we can get the spark and pasion back... I try to convince her it will in time...

I realy feel like I dont have it in me anymore.. I tried everything... why do I continue to let her hurt me... If I let her go I know she will go see OM ... I think thats why I continue to put up with thee bulshit... some of my friends think I am crazy.... but I realy cant let her go I love her too much... so I think I am going to continue to let her hurt me until she leaves me.... life sucks
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/15/07 07:44 PM
Are your children staying with you?
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/15/07 07:46 PM
yes
Posted By: believer Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/15/07 08:04 PM
So you are watching the kids while she goes running around? YIKES.

Does she have her own money?
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: please help wife wants to see OM!!! - 07/15/07 08:11 PM
no the kids where gone camping the weekend with grandparents.. and yes she has her own money.. i dont uderstand I tell her I dont want her to come back here tonight and she starts to cry... but yet she doesnt want to work on things.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: wife left for OM - 07/26/07 07:58 PM
ok ppl tyhanx for all your help but... I am calling it quits now.... W went to the wedding with OM as his date and then went camping with him and his family on monday and tuesday.... last time I seen her was friday and she was crying to me telling me she doesnt know what to do... part of her wants to move on and the other part says she will miss me and she loves me.... I told her there is no coming back if she goes to wedding with OM ... and she chose OM ... I have suck a sick feeling in my stomach.... but I can not take her back and I dfont know if I want her back now... she caused me so much pain and I dont think I care for her the same anymore.... I am not going into plan B ... I just feel she is just not worth it anymore.....

and alot of my friends cant belive that she would do this to me again... say she is back then leave again.

so I am moving on to plan C ... moving on and finding someone new.... I didnt feel like I could before but I feel like I can now.

thanx again for all your suport.
Posted By: Owl Re: wife left for OM - 07/26/07 08:15 PM
Do you mean plan D...divorcing?

You don't start moving on to find someone else until AFTER you're divorced...right?
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/26/07 09:25 PM
I know that you are hurting right now, but you should stay single for a while AFTER you are divorced. Now you need to suck it up for your children. Fight for everything you can including primary custody, the house (if you can still afford to live in it), spousal support, and child support. You need to be there for your kids, regardless of how your marriage works out. That being said, you can pseudo plan B living in the same house. Just don't talk to her. Don't even acknowledge her existence. Schedule fun things for you and the kids to do. Don't invite her. Let her know that you won't be a happy little coparent if she goes through with this.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: wife left for OM - 07/30/07 11:06 PM
no not jumping into getting a divorce... and I dont think I need to be divorced in order to date again... I dont want to fight for anything.... I just want the house and she knows that... and I think she is fine with it... but ya thinking about going out on a date with someone... she kinda showed interest in me and it feels good... and I have known this person sence I was a kid.... she knows my whole situation... and she told me she wants to see me but doesnt want to get involved... just because of my situation and she says its not good... but she says she cares for me...

W already asked me if I was seeing herand got realy jealous and started crying ... cus i told her it is none of her business ... that she chose to move on ... and I can do the same if I want.... but I am not seeing her she is just a good friend and spend time together... not alone she is just there in my group of friends.
Posted By: engineer_bob Re: wife left for OM - 07/30/07 11:27 PM
Do want to know to really screw up an already bad situation - begin dating before you are divorced. Although this may make you feel better for a very short time it will:
1) mess up another person (new OW)
2) mess you up
3) you lose the high moral ground

and

4) you ability to discern quality people is inhibited. How many "rebound" relationships work?
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 01:02 AM
I hear what your saying ... and agree with you on most parts... i just dont understand why get divorced before dating... i dont realy care if I ever get divorced... probly wont get divorced until one of us wants to get married again.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 01:09 AM
Quote
I hear what your saying ... and agree with you on most parts... i just dont understand why get divorced before dating... i dont realy care if I ever get divorced... probly wont get divorced until one of us wants to get married again.

You sound like your WW. Get your head on straight. Two wrongs don't make a right.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 02:12 AM
I'm not WW ... I realy dont see the point in divorce... maybe ya I should ask her for divorce ..sence she is leaving me .. but raly what does that solve.... it does nothing for me it doesnt make me feel any better .... I dont know realy... asking her for a divorce realy doesnt do anything for me..... but is that what i am supose to do?
I dont know you guys always seem to know the right answers.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 03:29 AM
Keep fighting for your children. Even if they choose WW's side, at least you have given them a good example. Not everyone can save their marriage, but if you continue to fight the good fight, you will be a better person from the experience. The reason for dating you used is the same rationalizations that your WW is using to justify her affair. I want you to know how wrong that kind of thinking is. If you want your next relationship to succeed, you need to take some time off after the divorce (if it does happen). You want to date because you are ready, not because you are lonely and feel you need someone. That relationship would be bound for failure. Your situation is not hopeless. If you can get custody and get her out of the house, I think you might see a drastic change in your situation. You came here for our advice, and we are giving it to you, no matter how much it hurts.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 03:35 PM
Let me get this straight...you had a wife going back and forth between you two (which means she still has feelings for you)...and you want to date someone else?

What you should have done was go to Plan B for awhile in order to get your head on straight! MMW, you are a married man. I looked back at some of your posts. Wasnt it you that lectured your wife about morals? Here she is committing adultery...and you want to do the same! And yes...it is the same as your wife's adultery. Married people do not date others, or have sex with others, or become emotionally attached with others. That is called adultery!

You need another woman in your life like you need another hole in your head. Wake up, man! You are going to regret everything you are about to do...just as your wife is going to do the same.

First, think of your OW (and yes, you now have an OW). Is this fair to her? Just as all adulterous reltaionships have a 98% chance of failing, so will yours. If you profess to care about this gal, why would you put her thru this? You talked about your wife being selfish and hurting everyone around her. But then, you do EXACLTLY the same thing!

And then your wife just looks at you...and justifies her own horrid actions.

Be a man. A man with honor. Your wife has no honor right now. Do you want your kids to have two parents that have no honor...that are acting like 17 year olds in heat?

And let's talking about those kids. YOU are their father. Yet, you allow them to continue to be pulled into your wife's lurid, dishonorable mess. You are normalizing bad behavior in your kids' eyes. And then you want to cap it off by doing the same behavior. What in the world are you teaching your kids, MMW? They will learn that everything your wife has done is normal and okay. It is not!

Your wife is a mother. But not a very good one right now. And now you want to be a poor example of a man and a father.

Yes, I am ticked off! I think of kids that arent even my own, that are being drug into this mess because their mother has her head planted in her rectum...and their father is working on doing the same.

Grow up! Get a handle on this. Yes, it sucks. But it is the cards you have been dealt. If you fold, you completely destroy those kids' lives and their futures. They will have no reference point for honorable behavior.

I went thru the same things you are (my wife and I have recovered). But during it, I also had the same feelings you do. I even began talking to someone. And guess what? I got a 2x4 upside my head from all of the vets on here because I deserved it. So, I walked away from that before I made a huge mistake.

Sure, I was alone. Sure I was hurt. And I felt someone else would help fill the void. But it wont happen that way. Just as it wont happen that way with your wife!

My wife said that she started up with the OM because she felt the marriage was over...that she was done with the marriage. Well, the marriage wasnt done with her! Adultery is adultery. You cant just wake up one day and say "well, it is over. I think I will go date." That is wrong, immoral and shows a lack of good character.

Your wife is showing that to your kids. And if you join her in that, you will ratify everything she has done. You will have no room to complain about the pain she has caused because you will have done exactly the same thing! And your kids will take the example set by you two and take it into their marriages. And their marriages and families will suffer because they will not invest in their marriages. They will suffer because they will feel that what their parents did was normal and right.

It is just isnt normal or right!

Get a grip. I believe your marriage is salvagable. Plan B would help this entire situation. It would also prepare you for divorce and beginning a new life, if you so chose that route.

But, you want to go down this path...well, as I said, I feel sorry for your children!
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 04:30 PM
Mortarman,

How should he handle the whole plan B situation when his wife has filed for D, but he can't force her from the house and she won't leave. You are the expert on plan B.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 04:54 PM
I thought she was out and staying at her mother's house? If she isnt, he will need to possibly force that situation.

There have been people who have Plan B'ed while in the same house, but it is very hard.

Let me know. I didnt see the actual situation concerning them still living together. I hope he is documenting everything and is pursuing full custody of the children.

Of course, if he is committing adultery himself, then it really doesnt matter which parent they go with, does it? The kids will be in a bad siuation either way...with no adequate adult role model.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 05:03 PM
You can tell he's so beaten down now that he is becoming wayward, talking about finding a job out of the state and dating while married.

I personally think he needs a different lawyer who is going to fight for him more. He needs his wife to start experiencing some consequences for her acions. His wife is verbally abusive, and he should be documenting that to try and force her out.

If he can't get her out, he needs some kind of plan B while living together because he is starting to lose it. He needs plan B for his sanity.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 05:22 PM
Agreed Jim.

If he wants a worse mess, and to be further beaten down, then he should keep on going down the path he is.

I think he should withdraw from her completely. Concentrate on himself. If she has indeed filed, when is the court date?
Posted By: Just Learning Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 06:28 PM
MMW,

You stated
Quote
no not jumping into getting a divorce... and I dont think I need to be divorced in order to date again... I

Ok, let's start this the right way. Marriage is not just a "civil' ceremony. It is a moral commitment. The 'civil' part is because governments found something else to tax and make a little money off of. Your own morals are what this is about.

But, let's look at this pragmatically. You want to date. I am sure you would want to date a good woman, perhaps someone with a future for you. You would even date your long time friend, right?

Let me ask you what kind of woman dates a married man? Not the type you want to bring home to Mom. Even if you talked your long time friend into dating what you would be doing is bringing her down to your W's level along with yourself. That shows your friend NO RESPECT AT ALL.

If you want out of this relationship and perhaps have another or at least date, you MUST get divorced first or your chance of being with a woman for whom commitment is just a word is very very high. You are already dancing to that tune, how does it feel?

Get the divorce, then date it will allow you to encounter a better class of women AND it show that you have some class as well.

If you date now you are just like your W. And really you have nothing to complain about. Things got tough, she found someone else. Things get tough you run to find someone else. NOT GOOD. Shows bad character, no sense of what commitment is, and makes you a poor choice for the kind of woman you do want in your life.

So you can look at this morally or you can look at it pragmatically (what is best for ME), either way the best path is divorce before dating.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 08:20 PM
Quote
Agreed Jim.

If he wants a worse mess, and to be further beaten down, then he should keep on going down the path he is.

I think he should withdraw from her completely. Concentrate on himself. If she has indeed filed, when is the court date?

I don't know. He was served around Memorial day, and judging from LilSis's thread, the Michigan court system is slow at handling divorce cases.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 08:29 PM
Whoops, I may have help_with_wife and miss_my_wife mixed up.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: wife left for OM - 07/31/07 09:21 PM
Mortarman,

See if you can give help_w_wife some advice as well.
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: wife left for OM - 08/01/07 12:19 AM
ok... ppl thnax for everything... reading your post realy made me think.. talked to W last night... actualy she slept here... she is out of the house and staying at her moms.... I told her if she is moving on then with Om that i want a divorce... she didnt know what to say... she thought she would have my last name until she married again... we talked some more and cried ... then yes somehow it led to sex.... we are just messed up... and she doesnt want to see outside help... then talking to her today she just keeps giving me reasons why she wants to move on... she just says everything is just "different now"
although she went camping the weekend with out me and my son was crying cus he missed me and wished dad was there with him he is 7.... and W had a break down also... but it still seems to me she wants to move on... I can plan B her but .. I just had enough... why keep fighting for someone when you dont feel loved by them.

I am just tired of everything... and ya I though about it and I am not going to jump into dating someone... its just not right.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: wife left for OM - 08/01/07 01:09 PM
MMW,

Good! No dating. I am glad to hear it. I know the temptation...been there. But you will be glad in the end that you took the high road.

On the idea of not fighting for your wife and marriage...I agree with you. At this point, you are spent. Out of energy and have little left to give your wife. That is EXACTLY the reason to go to Plan B. I believe you may not fully understand WHY Plan B works. Here is a short synopsis.

Plan B is for YOU!! It is NOT about saving your marriage. It is NOT about bringing your wife home. Sure...there are residual effects of Plan B on your wife and on the marriage. But, as far as you're concerned...those effects are not your concern.

At this point, you just want off the rollercoaster, right? You have been hurt for far too long and are emotionally spent, right? You find yourself saying "why do I love her and why do I want to be with her? Right?

Those thoughts and feelings are your body's way of protecting you. The pain has gone on for awhile, and your mind is now trying to shut that pain down.

When we had gone to court, and my wife had fully left...and I was in full Plan B, I thought all love for her was gone. I walked around everyday, feeling pretty good (after the first couple weeks of withdrawal). Most days, I didnt even think of my wife. I was beginning to get my life back. And then one day, my wife called me and said she was ready to come home...ready to surrender. The fog had lifted.

But what about me? Did I no longer love her? Was I now not in love with her? Well, a funny thing about the human brain. Mine had not gotten rid of those feelings...it had just locked them away (which is why NC is key in Plan B...to help keep those locked away). And as I talked to my wife about reconciliation, all of those feelings came flooding back in.

But, what if she had never surrendered? Well, I would be divorced now. And because of Plan B, I would have given myself the time to heal, and to get the new direction for myself and my kids together. Life would have been good.

Do you see? Plan B is really needed here. Either before any type of reconciliation...or divorce. It is needed for YOU!

Now, there is residual things that MIGHT help your marriage. Based on your last post, it appears your wife is fully drunk on the OM...but that many or most of her ENs are still being met by you. She is a cake eater! What Plan B does is to force her to get all of her needs met by the OM. And that is IMPOSSIBLE!! It is why 98% of all relationships that start in adultery...come to an end.

So, you are off healing...and moving on with your life. You are having no contact with your wife, except on the business part of kid exchanges, etc (we can help you with that to minimize contact). She can tell from the outside that you are growing stronger and more confident again. In the meantime, she has latched onto the OM...demanding he meet the needs you were. And he is totally incapable of doing so. Added to that, the OM now gets to take on the non-fun parts of a relationship. And all of a sudden, this "soulmate" crap is now becoming a huge hassle. Arguments start happening. Selfish demands start being made. Love busters all over the place.

In the meantime, here is MMW sitting in the family home with the kids...enjoying a Sunday afternoon of football. Sipping on a cold one. No longer on the rollercoaster. Planning his and his kids' futures.

Can you see, MMW? As I said, Plan B is about YOU. There are factors which may help your marriage. But in the end, whether you have a new marriage with your wife, or whether you go on to divorce and find a new life, Plan B is the door you need to go thru in order to have a healthy life either way.

Please think on this!
Posted By: Just Learning Re: wife left for OM - 08/01/07 07:45 PM
Well said MM,

MMW listen to the man, he is telling you straight how all of this works. Honor your marriage and yourself by going to plan b, it will ease your transition which ever direction you end up going.

This is not a marriage at all costs sight. It is about giving the marriage the best chance of surviving but even more about relationships and how to handle them. Go to plan B, keep reading learning and asking questions. It will help YOU alot and the next woman in your life is much more likely to be the right woman and you will know how to treat the marriage right.

Listen to MM.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: miss_my_wife Re: wife left for OM - 08/01/07 11:24 PM
MM I love your post!!! it is so true ... especialy about the emotionaly spent part.. and I am asking myself all those questions... its like your reading my mind... its crazy.... W seen pics of me on facebook with my friends and sees me happy and having a good time... and it seems to bother her... thing is i do have a good time with my friends and my stress seems to go away. and now she is talking to me again like she is thinking of coming back... but like you said I am emotional spent and dont realy know if i have the want anymore to have her come back... so maybe I should just take time for myself right now cus if i do let her come back I dont know if I will have anything to give back in the relationship right now.

MM I love your post should I read it to my W?
Posted By: Mortarman Re: wife left for OM - 08/02/07 12:51 PM
MMW,

This is NOT rocket science!! I am saying what you are feeling because I have been there. And I remember a time a few years ago, when Just Learning (and others) told me the same things!! And I went thru that door.

This process allows you to heal. It also allows you to do some soul searching, so you can become the husband that the woman you will call your wife deserves. As I said, so far, the affair has been about your wife. Plan A has been mostly about your wife. Plan B is ENTIRELY about YOU!! It is where you gain control over this. It is where you exit the rollercoaster. It is where you make the decisions again. Remember all of this time, how powerless you have felt? Well, Plan B gives power back to you. You will feel like a new man.

But, as JL said, you have to do this right. This isnt a sabatical. It isnt taking a break. It is standing up, dusting yourself off, and taking the next step for you and your family into the future. It is you making choices again.

Your wife will also have to make choices. She has made poor ones so far. Now, as I said, Plan B is for you...not her. But, the residual effect of Plan B is that she is forced to live with her choices. It isnt a "come home or else" sort of demand. It is a "I have decided not to stay in this situation anymore. The family and I are going to get back to living life again. If you chose to rejoin us, I will be willing to talk about it. But until then, we move on without you."

See? It isnt about her anymore...it is about YOU! And your family, with which you are the head of. You arent going to tell her "do this or else." You are going to tell her what you are doing and why. And then you are going to do it. She doesnt get a choice (unless she makes the choice to come hoem where she belongs and resume her role as your wife). It's not a threat...it isnt trying to manipulate her. It is you making choices and living your life. She is free to join you in that and together building a life. Or, she can continue her poor choices...with shich you will continue making your choices for you and your children.

So, if you are ready for Plan B, you have some work to do. And we will help. There is much to get in place, and to be prepared for. So, let us know if yo uare indeed ready.

And no...do not tell your wife about any of this. It is not her business. You will send her a Plan B letter (PBL) once yo uare ready. It will explain what is needed for her. All other information is for you only. If you want, you can try one more time to get her to talk to Steve Harley. Or get her Dr. Harley's books, especially Surviving an Affair. But, at this point, at probably will all fall on deaf ears.

One point Steve would make to her would be to ask her if the best for her children would be their mother and father together and happy? When most WSs are asked this, they will stammer and try not to answer it. But, when pressed, they will agree that the BEST thing for children is their mother and father happily together. Of course, they dont believe that is possible. But, that is where Steve would show them that there is a plan for them to regain that, if they are willing to try. That they have nothing to lose by trying.

Now, in most cases, it would seem that again falls on deaf ears. But it doesnt. It is a seed that is planted in the WSs foggy mind. So, when they are alone, and in little contact with the kids...and no contact with their spouse...it begins to grow and weigh on them. And that part of your relationship...the OM just has no ability of meeting needs in that area.

I believe it is time. But it is your call.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: wife left for OM - 08/02/07 12:53 PM
On your wife fascilating again...I would tell her that it is time that she seeks counseling and that the two of you have MC. I would tell her that she would need to begin talkignto Steve Harley immediately and that you can set up the appointment.

If she balks at this, then she is not serious and is still on the fence. And you will almsot assuredly have to go to Plan B!
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