Marriage Builders
Posted By: stillhurting01 Still....My road to healing - 07/31/07 12:21 PM
I decided to start a new thread.

This one on the healing of me and my kids. Our road to recovery.

This is day 4 and I'm still feeling really good. I know I have made the right decision for my children. We are stepping out of the path of destruction that thier father is continueing to head towards.

I realize it still won't be easy... the beautiful moments in life are worth hard work. I'm not spinning my wheels anymore and I have a plan. "Still's healing plan" Wasn't the plan that I had intended... did really want to make my marriage better with WH. That's not God's plan at this moment, don't know if it will ever be. I'm okay with that.

Today is a beautiful day.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 07/31/07 01:15 PM
OH, GOOD FOR YOU STILL!!!!

God's got some great things in store for you and your kids! just watch and see!

I want to do the happy dance for you! HURRAY!

I'm looking forward to reading your thread!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 07/31/07 01:21 PM
Rin,

Thanks.

I am doing a happy dance also. I never realized how good this would feel. So great to be out of my victim mode. I was a victim of WH but I no longer want to be there it just hurt to much.

He has his own issues that he will need to deal with if he ever gets to that point. I'm dealing with mine.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 07/31/07 03:15 PM
Still,

I am so glad to see you taking this step! That you have chosen to step out of 'victim' mode is MAH-VE-LOUS as Eph would say!

Keep on dancin'!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 07/31/07 03:53 PM
Thanks Bugs,

I do feel mah-va-lous. The rollecoaster ride for me is slowing down. There will be some bumps in the road but it won;t be anything like the last year for me.

Everything is looking up.... thanks to the grace of God and my friends here on MB.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/01/07 01:37 PM
Today is day 5 and still going strong.

Today watched my kids go with thier dad for a couple of days of fun. Water and amusement park I hope they have fun. It didn't bother me like it has in the past. he was late as usual and he did raise his voice a couple of times that he was here. It reminded me of what my DD's have said going on trips with dad he makes leaving difficult because he often raises his voice. It reinforces how peaceful our packing for our trips together have been recently.

Last night had dreams about WH.... was reading my journal after his first affair. And realized that the way he was treating me never really changed. Dreamed about the hurt and confusion he caused me. Made me wake up and know that I'm going to be so much better off without him. The only regret I have is that I let that go on so long. I think if I had just let go sooner.... can't go there hindsight is 20/20.

The good things in my life right now is that we have laughter in my house. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world right now. My house may not be the cleanest or most organized but you can feel the love when you walk in. Wonder if WH feels that when he comes in. I feel bad because he is missing wondeful moments with his kids in the morning and evenings. Then I think it wouldn't be like that if he was here. It hadn't been that way for a very long time.

I am grateful to WH for the 3 beautiful children we had together. They are my blessing from God.

It's going to be a great day... even thou I'm waiting for the repairman to fix my washing machine after it flooded my kitchen, my pool is still green and I can't seem to get it clear. Life is good.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/01/07 03:47 PM
Sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself. But this is my therapy right now.

Just thinking about a song by Martina McBride "Wrong Again". I remember listening alot to it after WH first affair.

This is my road... the lyrics say it perfectly.

From The Day We Met
You Made Me Forget
All My Fears
Knew Just What To Say
And You Kissed Away
All My Tears

I Knew This Time I Had Finally Found
Someone To Build My Life Around
Be A Lover And A Friend
After All My Heart Had Put Me Through
I Knew That It Was Safe With You
And What We Had Would Never End
Wrong Again

Everybody Swore
They'd Seen This Before
We'd Be Fine
And You'd Come To See That You Still Loved Me
In Good Time

And They Said There's Nothing You Can Do
It's Something That He's Going Through
It Happens To A Lot Of Men
And I Told Myself That They Were Right
That You'd Wake Up And See The Light
And I Just Had To Wait 'til Then
Wrong Again

And It Seemed To Me The Pain Would Last
My Chance For Happiness Had Passed
And Nothing Waited 'round The Bend
I Was Sure I'd Never Find Someone
To Heal The Damage You Had Done
My Poor Heart Would Never Mend
Wrong Again
Wrong Again
Posted By: Ashes2Beauty Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/01/07 04:36 PM
> "It's going to be a great day..."

great attitude and example. i think thinking that helps me out of victim mode when i feel like i'm slipping in...
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/01/07 04:42 PM
Ashes,

Yes positive attitude does wonders. I wish I would of realized it a heck of lot sooner.

It is here now and I am thankful for that.... it feels so good to be here. I want to shout from the rooftops that "Still is here and happy and nobody is going to take that away from her"

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/01/07 04:56 PM
It's like a switch, isn't it. Like one day, you wake up and hit the brink, and turn that switch, and EUREKA, you are free from the clutches of all of that turmoil and agony. You can then deal with the pain, look at the past objectively, with your faults in mind, and move past it. You begin to live in the day, and no longer count minutes until the pain goes away. You anger subsides dramatically, as you have let go, and no longer try to have responsiblity for what you cannot control.

This is a great time to really hunker down in personal recovery, to reshape your way of thinking, to be healthier, happier, just Still, just you ,happier.

Not all days will be rosy, but they will all feel like you are back on solid ground, up from the depths, among the living...
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/01/07 05:05 PM
Hey Still!

I Love Love Love your statement that No One is going to take away your happiness! You have quickly graduated from coming out of being a victim all the way up to not only controlling, but defending yourself in a pro-active mode!

Good for you!!!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/01/07 05:24 PM
Silent,

It was like a switch... and I can't tell you how I never thought it was going to happen. But it did. Thanks to God, my kids, family and friends and everyone here on MB.

I am going to take this time for working on me. Looking on what made me stay in a damaging relationship for so long. Why I did and fix that so I never let that happen to me again. It will probably be painful... but I don't think anything is as painful as going through ugly infidelity.

I know not every day is going to be rosy. But it has been for 5 days (yeah) a long time for me. And I know when I have my down days I have everyone here to help me and kick me in the pants.

Bugs.... I like that statement too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And I really feel it this time.
My happiness depends on me not others. I am actually beginning to love myself again. Finally believing that I am a good person who has a lot to offer.
I will not let my WH make me feel like a victim again. (fingers crossed)

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/03/07 01:08 AM
Day 6... still feeling for the most part fantastic.

Just don't think I'm on the "high" I was earlier. Know that the D is the best thing at this time. Although still wish it wouldn't of ended this way.

Talked with ny kids this morning and they had a wonderful time at the water park with thier dad... I should be glad? Right? Why did I feel a little twinge of jealousy?

My attorney also called me.... we are due to have a continuence conferance on the 7th. Told him at this time there was no hope of reconciliation. He told me I sounded much better and that he was really worried about me. I guess it is still going to hurt to go through this divorce, even if I know it's for the best. so I'm thinking we may have a court date at the end of August or early Sept. It's silly but I hope our divorce isn;t decreed on our anniversary on Oct 7th.

So just a little reflective tonight. Not down in the sumps with depression. Just sad how it's all turning out.

I still don't want him back as he is right now..... and I don't think he has it in him to make the change. Someday I hope I end up like CJ with a wonderful guy who wants my love.

Still
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/03/07 01:32 AM
Still,

Do you remember how you (and others) used to ask, "How do you know when you're done?" and we used to just say, "There's no particular thing that happens, you just know. It's done."

Now you know what I mean! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

There isn't some enormous event that makes you mad and you think to yourself, "THAT'S IT! I'M DONE!" It's more like turning a corner from down one hallway to an entirely different hallway. Something fundamental inside you just changes and accepts the change.

I remember the moment for me just as clear as a bell. I caught my exH doing email sex/cybersex right around his birthday/Thanksgiving and I just cried and cried. But I knew right away it was DIFFERENT. I wasn't crying because he had yet another affair...I was crying because I just knew to the core of my being that this time I had to stand up for myself and not live with unfaithfulness from my partner. *I* was different...not him!!

Eventually, this is the place that I would like to see Bugs and Eph get to...the place within Plan B where something fundamental within them changes, and there is peace. It's somewhat like the feeling, "Wow, I'm not that person anymore. I don't have to accept crumbs. I'm not happy that I have to move on and they have decided to stay in the pit where they are, but I CAN move on and I accept it."

I'm SO GLAD you made it here!! ((((((((((((((still)))))))))

Your mama bee,



CJ
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/03/07 12:23 PM
Quote
Eventually, this is the place that I would like to see Bugs and Eph get to...the place within Plan B where something fundamental within them changes, and there is peace. It's somewhat like the feeling, "Wow, I'm not that person anymore. I don't have to accept crumbs. I'm not happy that I have to move on and they have decided to stay in the pit where they are, but I CAN move on and I accept it."


This is exactly how I felt late in my PLAN B. I turned that corner, facing my fears along the way. I was still afraid, but I was moving toward my happiness, in whatever form that took.

It's early for Bugsy and Eph, but I think they'll get there, I think we all do, just in our own time, and when acceptance of reality takes over.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/03/07 01:08 PM

I am certainly praying hard to reach this place with you all! Reading here about how you have each come to that place of peace gives me such hope!

Still, I can not tell you enough how happy I am for you! You have struggled long and hard - you So deserve the peace and happiness you have begun!!

Hope you have a great weekend!
Posted By: Ashes2Beauty Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/03/07 01:11 PM
your posts in this thread are very encouraging. thank you for sharing.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/06/07 01:39 PM
This morning starts Day 10 of my road to healing.

Just a little anxious this morning, has more to do with meeting with my attorney this afternoon to plan a finacial proposal. The financial aspect of this really scares me. I know I'll get through this with my faith in God.

I really have no feelings toward WH right now. I see him and it doesn't do anything. Actually I think he looks silly. Has dyed his hair and truthfully it doesnt look good on him. Guess trying to look young for his ho. Did see him at church on Sunday, he was in the pew across the aisle. I was with my mom and we both couldn't believe that he went up to recieve communion.

There was one blip on the screen on Sat. night... we needed to talk about DD20 tuition payments. I teared up a little and he slipped and called me sweetie. That brought a slight twinge.

Otherwise I am continueing to move forward towards my new life. I guess today isn't one of the rosy days. Will try to trn this around though.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/06/07 02:16 PM
Still,

Of course you are going to have twinges like that from time to time. I think that is totally normal.

The financial wrangling can get overwhelming, so let your A do his/her job on that,,,which is to totally protect your interests. Provide as much info and documentation as you can to assist.

Other than that, just continue on your journey. You are doing so Great!!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/06/07 02:20 PM
Bugs,

The feeling is mutual.... you are doing fantastic also. And I hope your situation doesn't turn out like mine. Although at this point in time this is the best thing for my family. We are going to survive this and flourish. Can't say the same for thier dad.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/06/07 03:16 PM
Still,

Thanks! Of course you and your family will flourish. As will mine, either with or without Drac.

We ARE women hear us roar!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/06/07 05:35 PM
Helen Reddy..... new theme song.

Had IC this morning and need to start pulling together financial stuff. Would love to reschedule for friday.
Talked with my IC about starting a group like divorce care. There are none in our immediate area. She wants me to get some info and she may be on board to help us. Last night found out about someone else going through this. I think I could get a group started. Although not sure if I'm ready to deal with the pain of first finding out with someone else. Still to fresh for me. Or it could be very therapeutic.
My friends have said I have been beeming for the last week.... it just feels great not to be in limbo. IC did warn me that she thinks WH may try another 11th hour change of heart to try to manipulate me so to be prepared. I guess there still is 1 small cinder that wishes we could reconcile, don't think he has it in him to do the hard work. I'm tired of working right now. I'm not expecting it to happen it's still in God's hands and if it's His will he will let me know.

Still
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/07/07 01:53 AM
Still:

I'll walk this road with you, if you'd like the company.

Sis
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/07/07 11:10 PM
LilSis,

I would love you to walk this road with me.... I would love the company. I think we are both in very similar places right now. Our WH are almost too far gone. They are both in God's hands and we have to trust that God will take care of them and someday they will see the damage they have left behind.
At that point we will be so far ahead in our healing and self discovery we may not even want them back.
I don't know about you but even though I am at peace with the road in front of me and mostly happy that I have finally let go and let God I still have fleeting thoughts that maybe this could still work out. I try to push those thought away right now so they don't bogg me down with going forward.
I can't continue on that path.... if it's God's will it will happen.
How are you doing today. Today I found myself short with everyone, and that is not like me. Have to think about what is causing this.
Another day and I haven"t driven by MOW house. It is getting easier every day.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/08/07 01:35 AM
hi Still ~ I remember the "high" feeling of finally achieving some sort of detachment and real acceptance.

It's a good feeling to practice. You will still have lows, you will still grieve, and thats ok and normal. But remember the feeling of peace - so you can go back there (yes its a choice) after you have given yourself permission to be sad and angry for a bit.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/08/07 10:12 AM
Thanks BR,

I think today feels like a low. Have had trouble sleeping the last coupls of nights. Been trying to fight it off. I know it's lack of sleep and even a little doubt creeping back in.

It will get better, I won't let it ruin my day.

Off to work. Maybe it's PMS....that could explain my snappiness, plus the fact I woke up drenched. Boy this suxs.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/09/07 10:19 AM
Another day... lost count.

Been having trouble with anxiety and sleeping again. I know some of it is hormones and I think the rest is just legal junk about finances.

Had to start taking my xanax again....I'm not crazy about taking it.
I just want this over either way so I can get a fresh start on my life again.

Anyone have suggestions for other ways to relieve anxiety?

Still
Posted By: lifeismessy Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/09/07 12:04 PM
Hi Still- I am so glad you started a new thread. I check here often to see how you are doing!!! I have spent all summer sending info. to my attorney, kids' attorney( custody spat) and the accountant. It has been exhausting and I know just what you mean about feeling anxious about the financial side. I haven't had a decent paying job since I got married. I relocated 8 times for WH's career so we moved quite a bit. After all that his job ended and we started a biz together last summer and now OW is on the payroll of the biz I co-own with my STBX. Very messy! But on the bright side- I applied to an excellent Paralegal School and got in! I start on Saturday and I am so nervous! Haven't been in school since I finished college 21 yrs ago and got married. Anyhow-I am glad to hear you are feeling more sure about yourself that you are ready to move on. It is so hard to get to the place where we can feel sure that it is the right thing. Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Take care- Nancy
Posted By: sl77 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/09/07 01:08 PM
The switch was flipped for me too. It happened when WH said I bascially deserved what I was getting. I knew right at that moment I wanted out of his craziness.
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/09/07 01:13 PM
Quote
Had to start taking my xanax again....I'm not crazy about taking it.
This line made me smile, even though i know you didn't intend it to be funny...it kind of is. I really like xanax, myself. For me, it is very effective at taking the edge off. I take it very rarely, those times when I feel like jumping right out of my skin. I know some people have a thing about potentially addictive meds, but I say as long as you are smart about it, do what you need to do. If it gives you relief, take it.

Also, if you just want to sleep, take a benadryl. Again, not regularly, but even my family doc said taking a benadryl every now and then when I have trouble sleeping is fine. (that's what's in Tylenol PM)

Quote
Anyone have suggestions for other ways to relieve anxiety?
Get a really, really good massage. I mean a good one, from someone who knows what she's doing. Do the whole hour one.

Sit somewhere quiet and peaceful, close your eyes, and breathe, way down into your belly. Concentrate on your breathing.

Be with someone...a good friend. Not just your kids, and not just on the phone. Physically put yourself in proximity to someone who can support you.

Pray.

((((still))))

I'm still here walking with you.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/09/07 02:21 PM
Morning! I have to agree with Sis! When I'm feeling whatever, I call someone or go visit them...ESPECIALLY when I feel like I don't want to interact with OP, that's when I know that I HAVE too...

And I always feel better for doing it...LMAO...it's kind of like rebelling against myself! It's so hard sometimes to reach out, sometimes I feel like I'm imposing of the person I'm reaching out too, but if I think of it this way: Maybe they need me more than I need them right now! It makes it easier!

have a good day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/09/07 02:43 PM
Quote
Had to start taking my xanax again....I'm not crazy about taking it.
This line made me smile, even though i know you didn't intend it to be funny...it kind of is. I really like xanax, myself. For me, it is very effective at taking the edge off. I take it very rarely, those times when I feel like jumping right out of my skin. I know some people have a thing about potentially addictive meds, but I say as long as you are smart about it, do what you need to do. If it gives you relief, take it.

Quote
Anyone have suggestions for other ways to relieve anxiety?
Get a really, really good massage. I mean a good one, from someone who knows what she's doing. Do the whole hour one.

Sit somewhere quiet and peaceful, close your eyes, and breathe, way down into your belly. Concentrate on your breathing.

Be with someone...a good friend. Not just your kids, and not just on the phone. Physically put yourself in proximity to someone who can support you.

Pray.

((((still))))

I'm still here walking with you.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/09/07 11:37 PM
LIM,
Thanks for popping in, it means alot to me that you check up on me. I know what you mean about all the back and forth. It really suxs. In some ways I can't wait for it to be over.
Is you WH still with the OW?

LilSis... I'm glad I got a chuckle. Xanax does do wonders to take the edge off. And I don't usually take it very often. Although the last couple of days I taken a half each day.
The sleeping I do have Ambien but sometimes with everything I'm on I feel like a walking pharmacy. I may take an Ativan tonight so I can sleep better.

A massage sounds great.... are you sure it has to be a woman <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> It would be nice to have a mans hands touching me again. All in good time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Rin,
Sometimes I have to force myslf to go out also. It does feel better with other people around. Lucky for me my co-workers are fantastic and we usually have a great day no matter how busy it gets. They actually like being around me.

I'm feeling better tonight... hope for no interaction with WH tonight. I'm kidless tonight. Soometimes it's actually nice to have the house to myself.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 12:21 AM
what are you anxious about?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 01:20 AM
BR,

That's a great question. And i have been trying to figure out what is causing this so I can deal with it and move on. I don't know if you have ever had an anxiety attack... it's an overwhelming feeling. I think that route cause is the financial aspect of everything. To go from 2 paychecks to one. I'm fortunate that I do make good money, but WH and were foolish in the credit department.

I know even though a divorce is the best for me right now it's still not how I envisioned my life. And I think that leads me to be anxious.

And I know hormones are playing havick with me right now.... it's that time of the month.

I'm also anxious because I want to be the best person that I can be. Make my kids proud of me. And wonder if I'm working at that enough.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 01:26 AM
aaaah

my favorite topic

your illusion of control is harder and harder to maintain....

you can not control your husband...or his spending...or what life brings you ....

And this makes you anxious.

So...reality is shining through your denial...destroying the comfortable illusion that you used to help feel calm...

what is your fear?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 01:43 AM
BR,

You're good. I know I can't control my Wh anymore. Not that I really had any control over him.

Yes reality is setting in.... maybe I'm afraid that my life is going to be out of control for ever. Although I feel good at how far I have come and know there is still a long road ahead of me.

The thing I am afraid of the most.... is will I ever have love of a man again. I know I am a good person and my WH affairs are his to own. I do still think will someone look at me and say she couldn't even satify her H. I'm afraid since I wasn't"good enough" for my H will I be good enough for someone else. All things that intellectually I know aren't true, the thoughts still sneak in at times. I'm getting better at pushing them away.

So my greatest fear is that I'll be alone and my WH has someone. And it will prove to him that he was right and I wasn't good.

I don't feel this as much as I did when this all started, but I would be lying if i said these thoughts are banished completely. That's the area that needs continual work... as you know infidelity does a job on one's self esteem.

Any great ideas on how to banish these thoughts completely?

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 02:15 AM
was your life ever really truely under your control?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 10:43 AM
BR,

No I don't think my life was ever under my control. And a lot a times it was okay because i thought we were a team. Now as I look back we were never really team, WH was the one in control but made it seem as if I was the controling one. In reality he was. And I let him because I always thoguht he had our best interest in heart. Now that I know better....

Maybe that's what I'm really afraid of actually being in control and not having anyone to lean on.

Does this make any sense?

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 12:10 PM
afraid of being in control = afraid of taking personal responsibility = victimhood

Your husband was never in control of your life.

Even if he did make all the decisions...it was your CHOICE to give him that power.

You have personal responsiblity and control over your own behavior and your own choices - even if you refuse to acknowledge it and live your life as a victim.

However, Life itself is not under your control. It never was, no matter how much you pretended that it was. It will never be under your control, no matter how much you try.

You may have made a choice to hand over your personal responsiblity day to day Life to your husband. That does not mean that you were not controlling.

In fact...

We do this to God all the time.

We don't humbly turn over our life's problems to God and accept His Will.

Oh no. We turn over our problems to God along with a roadmap and a blueprint on how to fix it.

I did this to my husband all of the time.

He resented the fact that I never really turned anything over to him - I made selfish demands - and then I stood behind him dictating his every move.

Until he stopped doing anything. And he called me controlling. I called him lazy and sloppy.

But I sure whined about how he was in control of everything and I was victimized by him.

So...

The answer to self-esteem issues....is to take up the personal responsibility that you have abidicated to others, and take off the drape of victimhood.
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 12:16 PM
Still:

I'm no BR, but I'll throw in my .02.

Quote
So my greatest fear is that I'll be alone and my WH has someone. And it will prove to him that he was right and I wasn't good.
I completely understand this fear. But be honest with yourself, would you want the kind of relationship that WH has with OW? A relationship that was founded on pain and betrayal and based on lies and deception?

Do not envy that.

Be proud of yourself for being a good mom, for standing up for your marriage, for growing through all of this pain, for having the courage to examine yourself.

Were you a perfect wife? No...no one is a "perfect" anything, because we are all flawed human beings. Were you likely the best wife you could be given what you knew at the time? Probably. Would you be a better wife NOW, knowing what you know? Absolutely, especially if you continue to grow and learn and examine yourself.

So fight that voice that says you are not good. You KNOW better. WH's actions and responses to you are a reflection on HIM...not you. His actions have hurt you enough; don't hurt yourself too. This is HIS loss, not yours.

Quote
Maybe that's what I'm really afraid of actually being in control and not having anyone to lean on.
Have you had anyone to lean on lately? No. And have you not been in control of yourself all along? Yes.

You HAVE been in control and you HAVE NOT been able to lean on WH, even when you thought you could. So this thing that you fear has actually already come true, and guess what? Has the world fallen apart? Have you lost your job? Have your friends abandoned you? Have your children grown to hate you?

No...it's not easy to learn to live without the PERCEPTION that there is someone there to lean on...but it was really only a perception, anyway. Or maybe the correct word would be expectation?

Who is it that said that expectations are like pre-determined disappointments? (Someone on MB, but I can't remember who).

Sorry...I'm rambling and as I said, I am no BR. And sometimes I think that when I'm down, no words really make it better...I just have to go through the dark place on my own. The words and support don't necessarily bring light to the darkness, they just keep me moving through the darkness, so I can emerge into the light when whatever emotional or hormonal stuff works itself out.

You are down today...this will pass. You will find that positive place again. PMS is a killer.
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 12:30 PM
Sis - you didn't ramble. You nailed it.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 12:53 PM
BR,

That's what I'm working really hard to do is to get rid of being a victim. For the most part I think I have. I don't like being a victim anymore. It's not an easy mode to get rid of. And something I'm not very proud of. And I'm not trying to come off as a victim anymore. Yes life has handed me some schitty things, no worse than what many people go through. I'm fortunate I have my health (although still fighting off depression), my wonderful children, and most importantly I have God in my life.

You are right we don't have control over our lives... and it was my choice to let him control me. It's something I'm not willing to do anymore. And I do admit I have trouble sometimes leaving things in God's hands and I pray to become better at this.

And you are right it is my responsibilty to take over my behavoir. I feel most of the time I have "control" over this. It's just moments like the last day or 2 I have let my victim self out. Today she is not coming out and I have control over this. I'm planning on having a great day with my kids.

BR thank-you I appreciate your wisdom. If you don't mind keep checking in on me because I do appreciate your help. And I know I will still struggle with my issues. And I need to stop focusing on WH issues, those are his and he will need to live with his choices.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/10/07 02:33 PM
well then, see you answered your own question about curing anxiety.

when you choose to let your victimized control freak out...you have an anxiety attack.

Stop letting her out and you'll be just fine.

I know, I know, it sounds easy for me to say...but it is really that simple.

Make a decision.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 12:15 AM
LilSis,

Actually tour word have made me feel better.

We all haven't had our spouses to lean on, and it's true the world is still spinning. Although we all have had days that have felt like our world was falling apart. Fortunately as time goes on the dips in the rollercoaster aren't quite as long. We recover faster.... and I'm sure as more time passes it will get even easier.

That fear of not being good enough is something I think we all feel at times. It's what is "she" doing that is worth leaving everything behind. Without even a glance back.

I don't want the type of relationship that WH has with MOW. I know it won't last. Sooner or later one of them is going to cheat on the other. Although if and when it happens I don't think they will feel the pain like we felt.... it'll be more of what did you expect.

With the work we have done on ourselves someday we will make someone a better partner. In the meantime it is making us better friends, parents etc. With our spouses jumping into another relationship they haven't worked on thier own issues. And I don't know about you but I know my WH has plenty. Just like I did.

You're right I did the best that I knew how. I did everything except stand on my head waving a banner. And leaving this marriage I can hold my head high and I have shown my kids a good example. Not always perfect.... but as you say no one is perfect.

Sis thanks for stopping by.

BR,

Is that the key to this all? It does seem so simple, yet it's one of the most difficult things I have ever done. These last couple of years have been he!!...I'm ready for some heaven on earth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 01:02 AM
Yes, its that simple. Makes ya wanna slap yer head and say DUH.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 01:47 PM
BR,


Yeah and I'm saying dah to myself right now. I'm a slow learner in this. It's funny (not haha funny), but my IC also said I'm beating my head against the wall. Although she knew I would "get it" when I was ready to let go.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 07:40 PM
If it makes ya feel better.

I used to cry and cry and cry....

I begged my Al Anon sponsor to tell me HOW to let go, HOW to stop my brain from spinning out of control, HOW to be happy....

She would say to me over and over: Make a decision.

I hated it when she said that. I figured she just didn't understand me or she expected too much. I figured she was withholding secrets to happiness and serenity from me!

Then one day, my eyes were opened. Thats what they call a spiritual awakening....you all of a sudden slap your head and say DUH!
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 08:00 PM
Hi, Still

Great stuff from BR and Sis. I'm still working on the letting go part.

I saw something a few posts back about you worrying about WH being happy while you are alone. I've seen other BS's worry about this kind of thing--fear that the WS will somehow "win." And, since I was thinking about this driving home the other night, I'm vulnerable to it as well.

The WS can never win. The very nature of what they've done undermines any happiness that can come from their new relationship. If they are capable of achieving true satisfaction from that relationship, it means they were probably never deserving of your attention. WS's who don't seek redemption can only lose.

You're a good person, Still. Things will keep getting better. It's not easy, but you can do it. Keep listening to BR.

(((Still)))
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 10:33 PM
BR,

Sometimes I think it's "good" that we sort of newly betrayed hear that the experts out there also cried. I think at times we forget because we are so deep in our own pain. It shows us that recovery can happen even if we don't save our marriages. Thank-you for sharing that.

It is a decision to let go, not an easy one....but once it's done it feels so good. At times even though I have let go I still wish that things would of turned out differently. It's just to know that this is God's will and he has something better out there. And maybe later on it may be with WH but I'm letting God work on him.

SDguy,

Thanks for stopping by, I am geting wonderful advice from LilSis and BR. And letting go is very hard to do. Even after letting go I still sometimes feel like he has "won". I know he isn't winnig anyhting much... a woman who has cheated on 2 husbands. But I think I'm still alone. Then I know I am so much better off alone then with him how he is right now. At least when I'm lonely it's because I'm really alone and not because he is ignoring me.
You will get there I have faith in you....walk the beach that wonderful creation that God has given us and let it give you peace. You're a great dad and your children are very lucky they have you.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 11:38 PM
Still ~ I had a God box, I put a picture of my husband in there, along with a heartfelt note to God to care for my husband.

I also learned that when I couldn't peacefully let go, I had to "Let go and Let God git 'im".

At least then I could think about all kinds of creative Cosmic Karma reaching out to smack my husband around.

On my "recovery anniversary" thread, I posted a bunch of threads about my story. Go back and read, you will see I was in the same place as everyone else here. I had along long long road to personal recovery....but I got there and so will you.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/11/07 11:50 PM
Thanks Bramble,

I think I will go out and checl out your older threads. A also have the perfect box to do that with also. For Mother's day my DD17 made me 2 boxes with all family pictures pasted over them. That will become my God box. Thanks for another great idea.

I don't know if anyone saw my threadjack on Bugs thread about emerald green pools. Been having problems with my pool all season and in Maine our pool season isn't very long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I got some great advice from LG.... well while we were at the pool store we happened to find a new addition to our family. One of the workers brought in a little kitten (we think 4 weeks old) that was abandoned by it's mother. It looks like a Siamese and has crystal blue eyes. We fell in love even though I'm allergic. DD20 will be bringing it to college with her. We think it's only 4 weeks old. Don't know if it's a girl or boy we got both answers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
So since WH has left....we have our dog (was here with WH) who is half beagle and St Bernard. In July we got our Beta Fish Sparky (won on the 4TH) today a kitten and then next week my DD17 BF fishes are coming to live with us.
Still not sure what we will name the kitten....depends on it's gender.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/12/07 12:02 AM
welp, i'm completely hopeless with fix-it stuff around the house, so I'll have to defer to LG's wisdom regarding emerald green pools...sounds pretty tho!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/12/07 01:41 AM
BR,

Fix it things I'm slowly learning. I'm not the most handy either. Besides having someone to cuddle with this is the thing I miss the most about WH. He could be very handy when he wanted to be.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/12/07 01:11 PM
Hiya Still,

For some reason, this time of year seems to wreak havoc on the 'balance' of my pool. It tends to more easily grow algae. I just vaccuumed and brushed, shocked, pH upped and added more chlorine yesterday. I have a DE filter. I emptied the old, ugly, green DE and refreshed with about 4 lbs of new DE.

I think the water also tends to get really WARM this time of year, which are great conditions for algae. You don't need to empty the pool, you've just got to get it brushed really well, shock the crap out of it, and make sure that pH is UP around or a little above neutral (7.0-7.2).

Sounds like LG gave you some great advice on that.

About everything else. YOu assume that YOU will never be happy again, like you ASSUME your WH is right now. Right now, if you let go, you will be happier, just to have freed yourself from the illusions, and taken responsibility for your own happiness. You have LOST someone who is of no worth in a relationship with you. No great loss, I'd say. Now, if, and I MEAN IF, your husband were to show up, that would be a different story.

Let's just have you focusing on today, on YOU, on making the decision to move forward with what you've got NOW, and being happy in that. It's not easy, but so doable. Heck, it's even doable in the hard knocks of early recovery, for me.

I am happy, Still, not because PWC MAKES me happy, but because I have taken responsibility for myself, my life, my happiness. I invite PWC in to enjoy that life with me; his decision to take responsibility for HIS happiness is HIS to make. I can't change him, I can't force him, but I can continue to trudge through my life and inject happiness where I find it.

It's quite freeing when you know that you can be happy INSIDE yourself, regardless of what is thrown at you. I won't lie, it is scary to deal with the fears, but it is so worth it.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 12:33 AM
Silent,

Hey thanks for dropping in. Yes I worry about not having anyone in the future... and about Wh having his ho. But I am trying not to dwell on it. I am happy with the person that I am. And I'm sad that Wh is missing this. His loss.

A good friend of ours talked to e this afternoon and actually I cried. He has been the only one willing to really hang out with WH (not with ho though). He told me this afternoon that he is very disappointed in WH that he isn't helping out (ie finishing the siding that he started 4 years ago), That one way to try to regain DD's respect is to help thier mom out. His dad abandoned his mom and left thier home in terrible shape. He told me I deserve so much better. It just made me cry because I do still love the man my WH was.

I am going to be okat though.... will ahve my new kitten to snuggle with tonight.

Still
Posted By: Orchid Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 06:09 AM
Hi Still,

So is this friend going to tell the WS how disappointed he is in him since he became a WS?

L.
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 06:33 AM
Still, I hope you don't name your kitten Brant. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(((Still)))
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 11:45 AM
Still:

We are still walking the same path. We even landed on the "Get a New Pet" square together. Odd, isn't it?

I'm glad to hear about Kitty. Gives you something else to focus on, don't you think?

Believe the Truth of your friend. Believe your own truth: happy with the person YOU are.

((((still))))
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 12:10 PM
Hey Orchid...

I'm not sure if this friend will say anything. In some ways I hope he does. But as you know WH's only hear what they want to hear.

SDGuy.... no we're not naming kitty Brant (is that POSOM?) If I remember isn't your kitty named after my WH mow? I'm sure you're kitten is much cuter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I'm bringing kitty in to the vet in a little bit to find out if it's a girl or boy. DD's want to name it Logan if it's a boy (Wolverine as nickname). Something to do with x-men. Maybe she will be Logan regardless!

LilSis,

Yes we are on the same road... I read about your new dog. I love dogs. Usually I'm allergic to cats but I'm doing okay with this one. DD20 plans on taking it to college with her in her apartment. I just might have to get another one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> The kitten is great it's already litter box trained.

Still
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 05:02 PM
Quote
If I remember isn't your kitty named after my WH mow?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I like the Logan/Wolverine idea. Sharp claws, and all.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 07:09 PM
Well everyone it's a boy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
And he is about 3 weeks old. The vet thinks it has some Persian in it also.

So the official name is Logan (Wolverine). They decided on that name because Wolverine is a mutant and they feel kitty was a mutant because it has double paws. Believe me it is anywhere from looking like a mutant.

Feeling emotionally better today. Had some interection with WH about prescription cards. He was cold as always. Went to dr. this morning and I'm a girl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
No I have swimmers ear and it kept me up all last night. Pretty painful. When i went to get RX filled they told me insurance had expired and if I had a new card. WH was pretty good about calling them with the info once he got my message.

Still
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 07:15 PM
Hey, Still

Do you ever hear from FightingBack? Does anyone?

Glad you're feeling better!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 07:24 PM
No I haven't heard from Fightingback for ages. I hope she is doing okay.

I do think of her often.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 09:58 PM
I was just thinking about fightingback yesterday; weird. I hope she is doing well. Last I heard, she was resigned to being a single mommy again. She had such a hard time implementing Plan B.
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/13/07 11:06 PM
I think the deeper she got into it, the more she realized that she really didn't want WW back. I think she liked herself a lot better when she wasn't around WW. I'd still like to know how she's doing, though.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/16/07 02:54 PM
One year ago today I got definate proof that WH was meeting MOW in the mornings before work.

A year ago today was when I exposed to WH bosses and MOW H.

It's weird because I really don't feel too much... what a year. I wouldn't want to live it over for all the money in the world.

A small part of me wants to send WH an e-mail reminding him of the date he destroyed his family for someone elses wife. But I won't because he is definately not worth it.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/16/07 03:56 PM
Quote
I wouldn't want to live it over for all the money in the world.


I'm with you on this one, sister.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/17/07 06:04 PM
Today is one of those days where I really miss H. Just wish he would see the light and come home so we can work on this. I know this isn't going to happen because he is so lost right now.

I feel lost today.

Still
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/17/07 07:11 PM
Awww, still.

I think I'm having one of those days, too, but more than coming home I just wish none of it had happened. I'm just tired of it all and wish the slate were clean. So tired.

We'll get through it. If you're lost, I'm lost, remember? But I think we are on the right path. It's just dark right now, and we are having a little trouble seeing the way. Maybe we just need to hunker down for a bit and wait til morning comes. We can keep each other company.

It's not as if we have to make progress every day. We've come a long way.

What are your weekend plans?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/17/07 07:39 PM
LilSis,

Yeah i wish none of this ever happend also. Sometimes I wish it were just a bad dream and I would wake up. No such luck.

Maybe today is just a curve in our road.... and when we make the corner we will see some sunshine.

This weekend I go back to work. DS is with his dad this weekend. DD's are home with me.

Tonight is DS's last 3 v3 hockey game. Will go to see that, Wh coaches so I will see him there also.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/21/07 03:18 PM
Life ia chugging along.... and I'm just following the tracks. The last couple of days were slightly hard. Really was mourning the loss. I cried Sunday night like I haven't in a long time. The good thing is I knew it wouldn't last very long.

I realize even though you let Go and let God there is still hurt. It doesn't mean you still don't wish things were different. It just means we have to accept what is happening. Knowing that what God has in store for us will be so much better. It has to be.... haven't we suffered enough?

There are still things that trigger me... when anyone mentions that they have been married 20 something years...trigger. When I read the obits and think I won't be listed as beloved wife. Seeing the wedding and engagement announcements and it will be Ms. Still from here and Mr WH from there..
It just makes me a little sad.

I still pray for God to open WH heart and break him... it will happen in God's time. At times I want to say hurry up God hasn't it been long enough. And sometimes I do.

Reading Sadmo's latest entry about not being happy the last few years...reminds me of me. It had been a struggle thae last 6 years and this past year although lots of hurt has been peaceful. No more walking on egg shells and such. No more of hearing the "tone" of his voice when he talked to me. These are all good things in my life.

Today on my road to healing I'm thankful for today... not going to think of yesteryear or tomorrow.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/21/07 03:43 PM
I think what Sadmo has said, about not being happy for so long, is true of many individuals and couples who are here, as well as those who have not been fortunate enough to find MB yet.

I wasn't happy, either, not IN my marriage. I claimed to be, but I know I was not, not in, probably, 2 years prior to the A's, and definitely not since.

What I'm trying to say is that Sadmo's perspective is not unique. She decided to divorce a while ago; you are just now ACCEPTING what may or may not come your way; you are accepting today, and, initially, that is tough to do. Accepting today, means accepting all of those who live in it with you, including your WH, and his choices, and the consequences of those choices.

I, myself, am pretty happy, it's the marital relationship that's jamming it right now. I am actively persuing solutions, and do hope for positive results. What will be, will be, but it won't JUST be according to some whim, it will be according to mine and PWC's actions, our choices.

Your life will be happy if you choose for that to be so. It will take time, but you will be happy again. You've got to accept the loss and mourn the loss, whatever that is.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/21/07 03:54 PM
Silent,

I know my life will be happier....with or without WH. At least that is my daily chant. Keep repeating and it will be.

I think alot of what I mourn is not having the chance to attempt recovery. Not my choice, one that I am learning to live with. Not being able to share all I have learned about making a marriage better. Wh is not at that place and probably never will be. His loss.

I have a friend who sometimes "sees" things. We were talking while we were on vacation. She stopped and said I just saw who you are going to be with. He is going to make you very happy. She described him as not much taller than me and a real family man. Who knows only God.


Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 08/21/07 04:11 PM
Quote
I think alot of what I mourn is not having the chance to attempt recovery. Not my choice, one that I am learning to live with. Not being able to share all I have learned about making a marriage better. Wh is not at that place and probably never will be. His loss.


And, like me, if you do get the chance to attempt recovery, you may or may not end up mourning the fact that it did not work, BECAUSE, you are only HALF of M recovery. Your WH could choose, while in the midst, to quit, or could choose NEVER to join in, but to freeload, instead.

Believe me, recovery is very difficult, under the best circumstances. You would want NOTHING short of him coming to you and DOING what is necessary.

I continue to learn about myself, and continue to live with my decisions and whatever part of PWC's decisions affect me. Control is a definite thing of the past.

Still, no matter where your life takes you, where your choices take you, you have the choice to be happy in it.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 05:23 PM
I didn't realize how long it's been since I have updated.

Life has been good to me. I did hit a rough day or 2 a couple of weeks ago. It was me angry about the fairness of life. How it wasn't fair that WH gets to be with someone and I don't. That lasted a short while. Then started my period. It was all hormones (sorry guys if this is TMI).

I'm actually happy again. And it feels so good.
Last week ripped wallpaper off my bedroom walls and painted my bedroom a color I liked. My parents and DD17 helped. The next day brand new carpet was installed. Later that week had a brand new bedroom set delivered. My bedroom is finally all mine. No more signs of WH anymore. Still trying to put it all together. never realized how much stuff we actually had tucked away in there.

There was a couple of misty moments.... finding my wedding dress box. And our unity candle and cards we recieved for our wedding. Something I just can't part with at this time. Maybe someday, maybe not.

Sold my old bedroom set yesterday to a young couple that is getting married next month. How eerie is this they are getting married on October 7th. Which is my wedding anniversary!!!!

Otherwise I feel myself getting stronger and stronger each day. It doesn't mean I don't think about WH and what's going on. It still enters my thoughts several times a day. It just doesn't throw me on the floor like it use to.
Saturday marked one year since he moved out. And I didn't even cry once.
Even though currently I'm alone I haven't felt this good in years.

I'm ready to get on with my life and have the best revenge...living a happy and healthy life.

I'm at the point where I don't know if I would even want H back if he came back. He would have to do some fancy dancing to even get me to consider it. I think I'm ready to meet someone who will love me for me. Put me first every once in a while. Not quite divorced yet so I know that will have to wait. I am more mature now then when I was dating H... I know what I want and need now in a relationship. I know I have so much to offer someone.

My road to healing is ongoing... and I know that it will be something that I will be doing for the rest of my life. With God in my life I know the scars from my M will thin and only ake me a better person.

Just wanted to let everyone know that life does and can get better. It's a choice that we can make for ourselves. And I choose to live today happily.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 06:20 PM
Oh, Still, you sound SOOO wonderful! Good for you! Pat yourself on the back!

You have come sooo far!

Love that you made your bedroom for YOU! Good going!

Awesome, keep up the great work! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 07:31 PM
Rin,

I really do feel wonderful. It has been a long haul for all of us hasn't it.
I have been keeping up on your situation also...but I don't have muchto offer. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. There are good things coming to us, I just know it.

And on friday I will be thinking of you...hopefully you will be moving into your home really soon.

(((Rin)))

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 07:39 PM
Thanks Still...I hope so too! I miss it, and so do the boys!

I have to be there for 8:30 in the morning, so I don't think that I will get a chance to check in...maybe so...BUT it's definitily in God's hands...He has to do for me what I can not do for myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

YOU, my Dear are just Awesome!
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 08:10 PM
You sound great, Still. You have come SO far from when I first met you. Of all the Killer Bees, I think you have grown the most. And you sound so strong! I can't express how proud of you I am.

Keep it up!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 09:56 PM
Thanks Sdguy,

We all have come very far. And life will be good for all of us. It may not be the way we wanted or thought in the beginning of our journey through all this.

I look back over the past year or so and remember everyone saying that it would get better. I hate to admit this but I really didn't believe it. I really thought I would never get out of the despair I felt about WH leaving me. But look at me I have survived and I feel like I'm really flourishing. I actually like me! The only thing that makes me a little sad (and only a little) is that WH is missing out on this. It's his loss, and he is losing a lot.

I have to say that it was due to my friends here, my kids and friends and I can't forget my faith that helped me get to where I am right now. This place was my life support in my dark dark days.

Sdguy you are not far behind me.... I can "see" you just right behind me. Keep up the great work and just look forward. Forward to a better and happier life. Just imagine what we have to offer...we now know ourselves. We all have so much to offer someone. Be it our WS's or someone else.

Still
Posted By: Orchid Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 10:17 PM
Still,

Good to hear from you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, life does get better for those who try. Whereas the WS has only 1 direction.... down! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I wish for the demise of all WS' no matter where they are planted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Glad you are moving forward with the grace and dignity that belongs to you.

The house is getting renovated? Great!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

All the best.

Aloha,
L.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 11:29 PM
Howdy Still! Good to hear that you are moving along, doing things to enhance your surroundings.

Just finished some things with the bathroom, so I can check it off of my list. Next up, my bedroom. I'm going to have the wall my bed is against upholstered in microsuede, sort of a camel color. Then I plan on painting the remaining walls a very close shade. I plan on getting some silk to make curtains; maybe chocolate colored, with some sort of pattern, oh, I dunno, we'll see.

It's good to hear you are taking good care of yourself.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/11/07 11:51 PM
Orchid,

Glad to hear from you. I am with you as I too wish for the demise of all WS's. My WS is going down, I just don't think he sees it yet.

I'm planning on doing more with the house. Nothing major until the divorce is final. After it I will have to hire someone to finish siding that WH started 4 years ago. Can you tell that the house was a priotity <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know it's keeping me going... the thought of really making this house my home for my kids and me.

It's funny... the guy that photographed my DD17 for her senior portraits says he has the perfect guy for me. He had taken my DD20's senior portraits and also our family portrait in 2004. He told me he's a surgeon and how I will be trading up as WH trades down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I told him after my divorce I'll let him know.

Silent,
It's so good hearing from you. I love what you plan on doing to your bedroom. I just painted but it really had made a big difference.plus the carpet which both of us agreed upon after he first left. The room really needed it. It's amazing what small changes in decorating does for the soul.

In the mornings that I don't have to work I sit on my back deck and just enjoy the woods in my back yard. I thank God for keeping me wrapped in his arms.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:01 AM
Still!

Hey Girl! So Great to hear an update from you.

I have to say, WOW! You sound fit & fabulous! Out of all of the great and wonderful things in your post, this is what stuck out to me,,,,,,,,,

Quote
I know I have so much to offer someone.


Amen to that! I am not only so glad to 'hear' you say it, but everything in your post indicates that you finally BELIEVE it yourself! GOOD FOR YOU!

I am also so glad to hear about your bedroom updates. Making your place your own is so great. I have the 'advantage' so to speak in having the new house to make all my own. I just starting putting together MY bedroom. I am finding it difficult yet. But, I'll get there.

Don't be such a stranger around here. You have a lot to offer here when you are ready.

Take care!
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 10:43 AM
Still:
I am so happy to hear an update from you. You sound wonderful. We seem to be--as always--in similar places; I relate to every word you say. Even the whole hormonal thing kicks my a$$ every month!

Remember how we are on this road together? I still feel that way, but I miss you!! So please stay in touch. Even though the road is not so hazardous, it is still a journey....life is a journey.

Please don't be such a stranger. You have "so much to offer" to us as well!

(((hugs to you!))))

Sis
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 11:18 AM
Bugs,

Hey girl. I also have been keeping up on you. You are sooo much further along then I ever was in plan A or B. And it is with mixed feelings that we make our surroundings around us ours. I know there are moments were I am going through "our" things and there is a little twinge. But you know what I let myself feel sad for that and then let it go.

I won't be a stranger... I think I really grew the last few weeks. My WH right now has put my LB in the red.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 01:08 PM
Morning! I was wondering how your meeting and reading are going? Did you ever get a sponsor?

I'm so proud of you! You really have come a long way! Keep up the great work!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 01:59 PM
Good Morning Rin,

I haven't really been reading to much lately. The last book I read took me 3 months to read <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. It was fiction and it helped take my mind off things. I have started reading again from beattie's book the last couple of days.

I don't have a sponser per se... but the ladies in my group are wonderful and I do have thier numbers for when I need it. I haven't been to a meeting for the last 2 weeks....soccer has started for my kids and going to thier games is my priority right now. I'm going to try to make the meeting next week.

I am so proud of you also... hang in there not much longer and hopefully things will be settled for you.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:09 PM
LilSis,

Missed your post the first time. Our time tables are the same. Isn't it funny how time does heal us. It's definately not the road either of us wished to be on.... I just have such good feelings that happiness, true happiness is headed our way real soon.

I have missed people on this board also... even though we have never really "met" I feel like you all are such great friends. It's to bad that miles separate us. Someday maybe all of us killer bees can get together and have a great big party. Not a pity party a "we made it" party. Wouldn't that be fun.

I can finally say for the first time in a long time that I am looking forward to my journey.

BTW Logan is trying to say hi....I'm really going to miss the little bugga when I have to bring him to Boston.

(((hugs))

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:13 PM
Thanks Still! Well, you really sound so great...

Good for you with the kids, I know how busy you can get with doing "their" stuff...oh, the joy and frustration some times...LMAO

I'm also glad to hear that you are reaching out when you feel the need, I remember how difficult that was for me, b/c I was isolated with POWS...

I have faith in you!

As far me, I'm doing the best I can with what I've got and God is the only one that can do for me right now...I've done the footwork and I have faith and trust in him that things will be the way that they need to be...

it's out of my hands...I'm feeling pretty good about Friday...so thanks... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:20 PM
Rin.

God has you and your children in the palm of his hand.And that is the place to be. And He will take care of things, you are so right it is in His hands right now.

I have to thank you, you were right there to kick me in the butt when I had my very dark days and nights. It was what I needed at the time and I will be forever grateful for that.

I can also relate to wanting to pull back into myself and not reach out...when reaching out is what helps us the most. It sort of like going to the gym....which I haven't been in a while and really need to force myself to go :
smirk:

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:29 PM
:humbly:

you are welcome, I'm glad that I was there for you...the feeling is mutual...

LMAO...that pulling back was a hard lesson to learn for me...I was in such a bad place...and it's so great to be out of it, right here, right now! before court!

LMAO...I understand about the gym...I FINALLY stopped eating ay night and have lost 8 pounds!!! People are starting to notice and THAT feels great! A little more to go...I'm down a pant size...LMAO...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:33 PM
Rin,

Eight pounds that's great. I think I may have taken those eight poulds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
More reason for me to push myself to the gym.

Today I get to go on the scales.... at the doctors office. I swear they add 5 pounds to it before we get on. Although I know I'm lighter then last year. My annual pap smear...yuck. I'm thinking dirty thoughts but won't post it, it may embarrass me later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:41 PM
LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO....

I think I can imagine where your mind's going...I just had mine a few weeks...female dr...so I couldn't go there! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think that they add 5 pounds TOO! I swear it!

LMAO...it will all work out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:45 PM
Well it has been a very looong time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:49 PM
I hear you...it's a shame I can't even daydream about it anymore...i think I forgot what IT IS! LMAO

LMA...we'll have to take this conversation OFF line!!! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

SOOOOOOO, ANNNYWAYYYYY!! Watch BC pop up! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 02:59 PM
I think it's like riding a bike..... I hope so because I do want it in my life again someday.

And BC "popping up" can be taken two ways. Okay okay I think this does have to be taken offline. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 03:01 PM
BLAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!

You got my on that one! I completely missed it!

Okay, you really need to get some! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LMAO
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 03:08 PM
I know, I know.... need to break in my new bedroom set.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 03:10 PM
LMAO...I quit, I quit!!!! I had another one for you but I quit!!!

hold out your hand please ma'am!

:smack: :smack: :smack:

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 03:12 PM
Rin e-mail it to me.... you have me very curious.

Need to bring DD lunch. BBL

Still
Posted By: BetrayedCajun Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 03:53 PM
BOIYOIYOIYOING!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 03:54 PM
SEE!

Crazy, HOW HE JUST SHOWS UP!!!!

LMAO
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 04:00 PM
Hey BC thanks for popping in....

how's life been treating you?

Rin he must be psychic.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/12/07 04:39 PM
I was going to say something about his timing!!! But I'll leave that alone too! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/13/07 12:05 AM
You all had me laughing earlier reading this and I was SO mad I could not post at the time!!

BC - - psychic or psychotic?? Only HE knows for sure! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You know we love ya BC! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

It was even more funny after I received an email with a video titled "Why Men Should Not Parachute Naked" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Talk about "popping up" Actually, it was more like flapping in the wind!! LMAO!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/13/07 12:13 AM
Hey Bugs,

That sounds like a video I would like to see.... hehe

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/19/07 12:01 AM
Had a really rough night last night. I guess I just need to share it with my friends here.

WH is making it sooo easy to really feel nothing but hate for him. One of his credit card bills came to my house. I thought it was one of our joint cc bills. The a$$ had hotel room charges from labor day weekend with his HO up in Bar Harbor. I can't tell you how badly that hurt. He even tried to deny it. Why does he have his personal cc bills coming to my address?

I guess I was expecting too much to hear something like "sorry you had to see that". It brought me right back to the feeling of d-day. Why can't they even have any compassion to how this affects us?

It's not that I even want him back. I think I would just like some compassion and remorse for all the hurt he caused and continues to cause me.

When will this end.... when is it our turn for? When is the Karma bus going to hit them. I know unanswerable questions.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/19/07 12:10 AM
Quote
I guess I was expecting too much to hear something like "sorry you had to see that". It brought me right back to the feeling of d-day. Why can't they even have any compassion to how this affects us?

It's not that I even want him back. I think I would just like some compassion and remorse for all the hurt he caused and continues to cause me.

THIS is who you want him to be. This is NOT who he is. IF he was your imaginary man, with compassion and remorse...you would not even have a reason to be on the board right now.

He is a man who could betray you with the worst possible betrayal, NOT a man with compassion and remorse.

Stop going to the hardware store and asking the salesclerk why they aren't stocking Bread and Milk!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/19/07 12:17 AM
BR,

I know that all to well... I think this will be something I will struggle with about him for a very long time.

It just kills me because I was doing so well... it brought me back several paces. It's not like I don't realise they are together. I guess I looked at it when I was in a weak moment.

Actually sobbed last night.... makes me mad that I wasted prescious(sp?) sleep on thoughts of him.

I actually am doing sort of okay with this. It just hurt to feel like it was being thrown in my face. You think I would learn by now that he's still very much a WH.

Still
Posted By: BrambleRose Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/19/07 12:20 AM
These are the days that I had to pray for the willingness to be willing...

willing to accept...willing to surrender my will, my way..
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/19/07 12:23 AM
Accept him today, as he is today. Tomorrow, start over, accepting him for who he is, WARTS and ALL.

I know that doesn't help with the pain that has already been caused, but it can help you with reality every day henceforth. It's good advice that I've been given on more than one occassion. Probably from BR and Mimi, no less...
Posted By: sl77 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/19/07 01:25 AM
I've gotten the great credit card bills w/ the dinners and flowers and everything. I told him to keep that $h!t away from me, put it in our separation papers that he takes ALL credit card debt, and have them sent to him.

I told him it is a way of saying (without actually looking me in the eyes) "I don't care about you or how bad this hurts you."

I can't get even a little bit of compassion or remorse, either.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 09/19/07 12:53 PM
BR,

Where would I be without prayer??? Probably in a puddle on the floor <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />.

That night I prayed the serenity prayer and Our Father. It really does help.

Silent,
Great point about accepting who he is daily. Sometimes it's hard because deep down at times I still want to believe that he is who I thought he was. Does that make any sense? Today I accept that my WH is still WH deep in the fogg.

Sl77,

I know about the cc... right after he left there were charges on our joint cc for dinners and such. It's just I hadn't "seen" something like that for a while. Currently "our" money is still all together so unfortunately my money still goes for ho entertainment. His attorney like to ignore letters from mine. We are still waiting 6 weeks later for response so we can get a financial proposal together. Yhe way I look at it now is the longer we stay "married" the more 401k I get <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Today I am back to being happy with life.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/03/07 01:40 PM
It's been awhile since I posted on my own thread, so I decided today I would update.

On vacation this week...don't know if that was a really great idea since it has given me alot of time to think about my upcoming anniversary. It will be 23 years this coming Sunday. Planning to try to keep myself really busy that day. I may head down to Boston to spend the day with my DD20. At least I know WH won't be able to spend that day with ho because it's his weekend with DS.

I really don't miss my WH, I miss what I thought I had. Sometimes I really feel like I was living a lie. That I had my eyes closed to a lot of things. That the person I thought he was really wasn't ever there. Does any of that make any sense?

On a slightly better note... I have a "date" Friday night. Not a real date in teh sense of dating. My BFF and I are going out to the Old Port with the local photographer and his SO. He's gay so there are no worries there. They are taking us out for dinner and dancing. Really looking forward to just having a good time.

I also have adopted another kitten, this one from the humane society. Had to bring Logan to Boston this weekend. Hopefully DD20 lets him come back. I am turning into a cat lady. Need to bring Jay (new kitten) to vet I think he has a cold. Poor thing is sneezing and has little bubbles coming from his nose.

Otherwise I am continueing to reflect on me.... IC told me when I'm ready to start dating that I need to really be aware of red flags. That I tend to be idealistic and try to see the best in everyone. I'm not so sure that is the case any longer, I do feel my view of men in generalis a little jaded. Although I know more men that have been faithful and very loving towards thier wifes than I know have cheated. So I know there are trustworthy people out there just hope I can find one.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/03/07 02:01 PM
Howdy Still,

Well, you have been going thru pergatory for YEARS with this WH of yours haven't you (since '01 from your sig line)? It only stands to reason that you may think you were living a lie.

When I look back, I see a good R, up until that window on that stick gave me a plus sign. Once that baby was growing inside me, our life changed. The bomb had been dropped.

Anyway, sounds like you are handling things pretty well. You have a date to have some real fun. Where are you going dancing? What kind of dancing? Dirty dancing? Naughty girl.

Maybe you should do the LIMBO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/03/07 02:25 PM
Hey Silent,

Yes my life has been in purgatory since 2001. Wow this month it will make 6 years since the first affair. I'm ready to be out of there real soon. I think at times I should of done this much earlier... but hey I tried to work on it just couldn't do it alone.

Not sure what type of dancing yet.... I have never been to the Old Port (portland). Just that they told us they were going to show us a great time. And we were going to laugh till our sides hurt. I'm just looking forward to getting some male attention.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/03/07 02:54 PM
Still,

Try not to dwell too much on what was "real" or not in the past. It's hard, I know. But what does it gain you now? Mostly just more pain.

DEFINATELY go to Boston on Sunday. Celebrate one of the great things from your M,,,, DD20! Make it a special mother/daughter day and start a new tradition for the day!

You are going to have a GREAT time on your "date"! My gay friends know all of the best places to go and just let loose for some fun!!

{{Still}}
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/03/07 03:53 PM
Thanks Bugs,

I think I will make that a new tradition....my DD20 brought it up last time I talked to her about visiting with her.
DD17 will be spendnig the day with her boyfriend who she hasn't seen in weeks. DS wil be with his dad.

I am so looking forward to Friday night. The countdown begins.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/03/07 04:00 PM
I am pea green with envy.

I need to get my girlfriends together and have a girls night, maybe at my house, with drinks and hors d'ouevres. I'm sure I could find something to make that would fit in with my diet.

So pea green with envy, I am.

You have fun! If you have a really flirty, flitty skirt of dress, wear that. It's fun to feel the fabric whirling around when you dance. OOOOO, and [color:"red"] RED [/color] , if you have it
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/04/07 04:52 PM
Silent,

If you were closer I'd invite you out with us also.

It is going to be alot of fun..... I'm going to call him later today to see how we should dress? Casual vs. dressy. I'm hoping for casual, but I will let them decide. He is planning the "date" for us.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/05/07 01:06 PM
My "date" for tonight was postponed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />.

Apparently one of the guys is scheduled for foot surgery next week and he needs to go to Mass. for pre-op work today.

We'll schedule it later I guess. I'm slightly bummed.... was really loking forward to it. Now I'll need something else to keep my mind off my upcoming anniversary. Still heading down to Boston on the actual date,

Debating whether I should send a card or not. Maybe just telling him that I've come to realise that what we had at one time is completely gone now. That I really did love him and wished it didn't end this way.

Got a really good look at the MOW last night when I was picking my DS up from practice. She is really chunking and I thiNK UGLY. But I may be biassesed.(sp).

Still
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/05/07 02:42 PM
Darn! That's disappointing...

Don't send a card. It is just another day.

Gotta run...glad you checked in. Hang in there, Still!!!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/05/07 06:05 PM
The more I dwell on it, the more I think I will not send a card. I wish I could get to the point and think it's just another day. I'm not there yet.

I know my M is over and it is what it is. I'm growing as a person and I really like who I am. My "core" is a good person who has lots of empathy for others. Not just pretend empathy but real.

Still
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/05/07 07:29 PM
Quote
Apparently one of the guys is scheduled for foot surgery next week and he needs to go to Mass. for pre-op work today.

When I first read this I thought hmmmm... guess going to "Mass" for pre-op (prayer maybe?) IS a good ideal but I wonder why they had to cancel the outing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry your plans were canceled, but you know what? You've got another choice, make NEW plans!:)
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/05/07 08:48 PM
I didn't mean that YOU should feel or pretend that it's just another day....just that you may want to ACT AS IF it's another day. Thereby not acknowledging it to WH.

This is tough, Still. I hope you are able to pull something together to do at the last minute. It's bad enough to sit home alone; but to sit home alone knowing that you almost did something fun...yuck.

I'm really sorry that the plans got messed up.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/05/07 08:55 PM
Well POOP!

Ah well, you can find something to do, even if it's rearranging the dang furniture while listening to music and drinking wine. Actually, how about just drinking wine and listening to music.

Hey, what about having the people over who were going to go out, whom are NOT having pre-op work done. Have an impromptu dinner party.

I always had the house to keep me busy, updating, fixing, cleaning, changing, so I was never at a loss for SOMETHING to do.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/06/07 12:26 AM
Still,

I hope you've found something to occupy your time tonight. Glad you decided not to send the card - good choice!

Silent, , how did you know what I"m up to tonight? Playing music, cleaning house, and drinking wine! Hope the wine won't make me miss a lot of spots!!

Meggy - - I was wondering why he needed to go to Church on a Friday a week before his surgery, too! LOL!

Still - have a GREAT time in Boston!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/06/07 02:27 PM
Thanks guys,

Ended up having wine with another friend at her house and we watched the Yankees lose <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Not quite as fun as going out but it filled in.

PM. I should of said Massachussetts and not Mass. Sorry about the confusion. I guess that's where he is having surgery.

Today I'm going to Homecoming football game. Should be a really good game as both teams are undefeated. Will probably see WH but oh well. Can't keep him away from those things. Wish I could. And tonight DD17 and DS14 are going to the homecoming dance. Boy I feel old.

Feel a little sad, I guess WH is going down to his parents and they are celebrating FIL's 70th b-day. It sucks to not be included in these things anymore. He's divorcing me.... sometimes it feels like his whole family is also divorcing me.

Still
Posted By: Orchid Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/06/07 06:59 PM
Aloha Still,

Enjoy the game! He can't take that away from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Later send the FIL a card and let him know you missed visiting with them.

L.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/17/07 02:49 PM
I guess it's time for my update again. Been struggling lately. Why is it so hard to accept all of this?

Why can't we just hate our WS's? It would be so much easier if we could. But I can't. I do hate what he's doing, it's just hard to hate the person. The person who I thought he was.

Why does it seem that they left us so easily.... without really ever looking back? Sometimes I think I would feel slightly better if I knew he was in some turmoil also.

I keep going back and forth between wanting to keep trying and just getting it over with. What does it say about me that I want someone back who obviously doesn't want to be with me?

WH did text me on our anniversary about how he has to go to his grave with his sin and how that hurts. Why doesn't he just stop what he's doing if he realizes it's a sin?

Do I try to reach out one more time? Or is it just banging my head on a wall?
Really confused lately.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/17/07 04:55 PM
Um, aren't you still living in LIMBO, Still? I would say that has something to do with acceptance. You can accept where you are right now, today, but when you look forward, and see limbo, that's not so easy to accept.

I would wait for your answers to come, with time and patience you will see much more clearly. I mean, we could all chime in with our advice, and it will, most likely, differ, so you will still be back at YOU deciding what to do. I say to let the answers come to you, not to force them. Read Lunamare's thread, see how patience can bring clarity.

You just passed another anniversary, so that could be a factor too.

Sounds like your WH is guilt laden. Leave him with it.
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/17/07 05:13 PM
What SL said.

(((Still)))
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/17/07 10:16 PM
Thanks,

You are right I am still in limbo. No court date, no knowing who my WH new attorney even is. Wishing this wasn't happening.

I do think my anniversary had a lot to do with it. I completely enjoyed my day with DD20, we went to the circus. Didn't cry till I was on my drive home.

Is it possible to think you have reached acceptance and waver? I really thought I was there a while back. I know I will get there again. It just seems to be coming slower this time.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/18/07 11:49 AM
I don't think acceptance equates to jumping for joy. The loss is still apparent, regardless of how 'real' you are about the separation and divorce proceedings.

I think you are in limbo; you were thinking you were getting the D, the out of nowhere, WH STOPS the process. Your expectation of what was about to happen got shifted, and maybe the hope that your WH was turning a corner rose in you.

Do you see your WH or talk to him?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/18/07 12:16 PM
HI Silent,

I see my WH ocassionally. Speak to him occassionally. Mostly we communicate through texting or e-mail. It would be alot easier if I didn't see him at all.

I usually see him at kids events or when he happens to drop off DS. Will be seeing him alot more when hockey starts. He is coaching DS hockey team before the high school season starts.

Most of the time I feel I am accepting what is happening. Not much I can do about it anyway. Wish I could. I know if we ever try to recover it will be really difficult. I don't think that is ever going to happen though. Although it's true at times I think he is turning a corner.

I know a big part of this is loneliness. I'm dreading the holidays this year even more tham last year. Last year at this time I was still very angry.

Still
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/18/07 01:57 PM
I agree with SL that you are in a bit of limbo...are you D-ing, or are you not....all that uncertainty can be exhausting. Give yourself that.

And, as you've noted, give yourself credit for the anniversary. That's exhausting, too.

So don't feel as if you are not recovering. I don't believe it's as if you cross the finish line and the race is over. It's a process. And it's something you do every day. Did you get the book?

Further, it must be very, very difficult to have those little tidbits from him. First, dropping the complaint. The TMs, the emails, the "sightings," the "going to my grave with sin" crap.

This is picking at the scab...not of your doing, but his. Or it would be to me.

I had a dream last night that I found out that WH wasn't the biological father of my children. (Just so you know, this is absolutely ridiculous) But in my dream, I was so happy...AHHH! at last, I can be rid of this man! He has no claim on the boys! I can do what I believe is best for them and he doesn't have a say!

Course then I woke up.

Anyway, I thought maybe you could relate to that...and smile for just a moment.

(((((still)))))
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/18/07 07:14 PM
Thanks LilSis,

It does feel like pulling the scab off of a wound that's trying to heal. I don't know if he realizes I'm getting mixed signals... maybe I'm reading too much into these things. That's the more likely scenerio.

The dream you had did make me smile. Boy what our subconcious is trying to tell us. My dreams lately have been the kind I truely shouldn't mention here. Let's just say in them he comes back. (Which could be a real nightmare in real life)

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 10:30 AM
Still,

Just wanted to pop in and say Hello! I understand that this limbo business is oh so hard!

sis is right about this, for sure

Quote
. I don't believe it's as if you cross the finish line and the race is over. It's a process. And it's something you do every day


My D is final and I find this still to be true for me.

Hoping you have a good weekend!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 12:24 PM
Hi Bugs,

Yes limbo kind of sucks. Thinking about calling my attorney to see if he has heard anything from WH attorney (whoever that is). I hate talking to my attorney the chaching sound drives me crazy.

So limbo is still there after the D? I'm hoping that is when the limbo ends.
Let's see my exciting weekend is work. Tonight stuffing goody bags for DD17 soccer team. Tomorrow they have a playoff game. Hate to miss those games but work calls.

Now guys don't be too jealous of my overly exciting social life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 01:16 PM
No, Limbo is not there after the D...as least not in my case...I'm not even finished with mine and feel SOOO much better!

I'll try to contain my excitement! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 01:19 PM
Rin,

That is where I'm striving to be. I still don't want this D, but again it's not my choice.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 01:46 PM
Still, if it's any comfort and you know this, I'm just reminding you...no one WANTS D...but life does go on...

My question to you is: Are you holding one to this M b/c of some fear? Fear of moving forward? Fear of change? fear of being alone?

lady, you are beautiful...inside and OUT!!! If I was a guy...I'd be on you like white on rice!!!

LMAO... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 02:08 PM
Rin,

You just brought tears to my eyes.

Oh man, yes I'm afraid... of all of the above. I'm afraid of moving forward. of letting go of the only thing i've know my entire adult life. My biggest fear is being alone. If my H could leave me why would anyone else want me. That is my deepest darkest fear.

I know the A's weren't my fault intellectually. But deep down I still question if they were. And I wonder if I'll ever feel differently. I know alot of this comes from being "beaten" down for many years and him continually blaming me even to this day.

I guess alot of this comes from feeling overwhelmed. Like I never get a break, he has his freedom to play single most of the time. He has no responsibility.... he only sees DD infrequently. I mean maybe a few minute conversation daily. What kind of dad is that?

Definately not the dad he should be...

But then again he hasn't been the H he should of been for so very long. I guess I'm afraid of losing the only kind of love I know. My IC keeps telling me that if and when I do find love I'll be amazed at how it really does work.

Just mulling through alot of my feelings lately.

I know there are good faithful men in this world. I see them in my friends marriages. I see the men on here.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 02:32 PM
Quote
If my H could leave me why would anyone else want me. That is my deepest darkest fear.

Still, Him leaving was NOT About YOU...it was about him!!! Him not being able to live up to his responsiblities or whatever made him do what he did...is doing...

Quote
But deep down I still question if they were.
As long as you keep doing this to yourself you will stay stuck no matter where you are in life...WHy abuse yourself like that? You're worhty of sooo much more and I can't see a beautiful woman like yourself being alone...

Quote
Like I never get a break, he has his freedom to play single most of the time.

I see your inner child popping up here...Never...do you really never get a break?

Quote
What kind of dad is that?

That's the kind of dad that he is...I see expectations being the problem here...what's right for you is NOT right for him...we all have the right to live our life the way we see fit...I may not like the way you live yours and you may not like the way I live mine, but we can accept it and move on...no judgement here...NO judging WH...I KNOW that's SOOOO hard...

BUT REALLY, you're only hurting yourself...you don't have to like what he's doing but you do have to learn to accept and let it go...

I was EXTREMELY judgemntal and it's sooo much easier to say it is what it is...let it go...live FOR YOU...LOOK AT YOURSELF and STOP looking to WH...focus and breathe...

Quote
I guess I'm afraid of losing the only kind of love I know. My IC keeps telling me that if and when I do find love I'll be amazed at how it really does work.

I agree!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> have you ever known the kind of love that you get here before? I did!!!!

Supporting you all the way...I HAVE SOOOO MUCH FAITH IN YOU...this IS NOT AN END...it's a BEGINNING...

Trust in GOD Still...you're prolonging his plan for you!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Love you Sweetie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 02:51 PM
Still....I'm sure we all still have those fears from time to time? (I do, anyway, when I'm especially lonely or vulnerable.)

Remember, you've had a tough time lately. Fall is hard in any case as we get back into the swing of school, soccer, etc. Toss in your anniversary and you bet you are feeling down.

It will pass.

In terms of moving forward, follow your heart. You will KNOW when you are ready. You need to grieve. Someone suggested lunamare's thread. She knew.

Wish I could help. It is so hard. Pay attention to what you need for yourself, and take special care of yourself if you can.

((((still)))
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 02:56 PM
Rin,

You have a wonderful way of looking at things. I guess I need a good kick in the butt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I guess my inner child is screaming right now for attention. I need to quiet that child. Maybe ice cream will do the trick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your right I am beating myself up about something I have no control over. I can tell my friends the same thing when they do this. I guess it's like the chubby doctor telling his patient they need to lose weight.

I'm trying to let go of my expectations of WH... it is hard to do. I guess I'm expecting too much of him in the "state" he is in. Today at least for the rest of the day I will let this go. And tomorrow I will do the same. Got to keep those thoughts from creeping into my head.

Rin,

I wish I could say I have known love like that.... I had thought I had it from my H in the beginning. When I look back over old journals I see he was selfish for along time. Even when we were dating. When that type of love does hit me you'll be the second to know. I'll be the first <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the faith that I can and will do this. Somedays I need to hear it. Thank-you for being my friend.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 03:00 PM
I definitily agree with SIS...and I you don't think that I was kicking you...I WASN'T...

I understand where you are and it's okay to be there...you are exactly where you need to be right now...

Not trying to push you into anything...i hope you know that!!!

YOU WILL BE BEtter than GREAT!!!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 03:27 PM
LilSis,
Thanks for stopping by. I do need to give myself time to grieve again. It can be frustrsting when you think you have got past it and all of a sudden you get kicked in the gutt again.

Life is very challenging. Sometimes I just wnat life to be easy for once. My inner child again.

Rin,

I didn't mean to imply that you were kicking my butt. I just wanted to say that what you had to say got me thinking and I'm kicking myself in the butt.
I want to be were I was just this past August. I was in such a good place.

If this is where I need to be I'll accept that. I just donlt want to be here foreva. Moving towards that good place again. Thanks to my friends here.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 03:50 PM
We posted at the same time I completely missed your post!!! That was me re-reading ym stuff and thinking that I came across harsh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I also meant to say that before I got here I DIDN'T know that love...same as you when I go back and read my journals...he was that way the WHOLE time adn I thought that was the way it was suppose to be...then I came here and was accept and loved no matter what...

YOU HAVE THAT TOO!!!! You have a country FULL of people across it that LOVE you JUST the way you are, accepting your growth...accepting your grieving...accepting when you get stuck and who help nudge you in the right direction...

Wouldn't it have been great to have that in our marriage? Let's grieve that, but only for a moment............................................................................................................................................................................................OKAY, we're done!!!

I have a IRL friend that asked me the other day if I wanted him to bring me chicken soup when I was sick...WH would have not done that...I was left to fend for myself...

THE awesome thing is I'M Never alone and you're not either (God, us here, IRL friends & family)...sometimes it's not what my heart's desire is...but you have to work to get to that place...

I know those lonely moments when you wish that there was someone there to hold you, to snuggle with...to just talk to...that's when I pick up the phone...JUST for today I can meet my needs in other ways and WHEN the time IS RIGHT...I will appreciate the one that I'm with ALLLL that much more!!!!

Thanks for the compliments too!!!

Back to work before I get in trouble AGAIN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: lousygolfer Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 04:04 PM
Still:

You need to MOVE OFF of Limbo.

It serves your WH well to be there.

And makes your life miserable.

Wether you are plan A'ing and trying your best to be the W that he wants.

Or you are Plan B'ing and leaving his lousy butt OUT of your life.

Limbo just cuts your heart out every time he does something.

This roller coaster has been rolling for over 6 years.

Time to stop.

Your a terriffic, responsible beautiful woman, who deserves more than crumbs in her life.

When you start making choices to move forward in your life, the wind starts to blow at your back, not the front.

And the future is yours for the taking.

WH may respond by running away, or running closer. But it's your CHOICE on how to respond to that.


(((STILL)))

LG
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 04:45 PM
LG,

This has been going on for much to long. I truely want to get off this rollercoaster ride. At times I think I'm there then you're right WH does something to bring me right back to limbo and it does cut my heart out each time.

I know I'm allowing that to happen, I'm taking full responsibility for that. Need to work on how to not let it affect me so much. I'm going to start pulling back again... not to control him but to control me. I'm not in plan A, he has no interest in me or what kind of wife I am. or could be.

I do want more than crumbs... it's a hard cycle to break when that's all I have been getting for so long. I deserve more than crumbs.

I need to move forward again for me. I guess after all of this and how long it has taken I'm being impatient. Patience was never one of my strong points. Maybe that's why God is taking His time with me. To show me that good things come to those who wait.

LG, I'm honored that you dropped by and I pray you are right that the wind does starts blowing at my back. Getting tired off the wind storm in front of me. Sand keeps getting in my eyes.

I just want to let all of you know who dropped by today you really have helped me. I know I keep going back and forth. You all have helped me realize I needed to reach out today to get myself out of my darkness.

Goes to show us all that God places signs and people in our life to help us when we most need it. Thanks for being my angels today.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 04:53 PM
My WIngs are extra Fluffy today!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 04:59 PM
Rin,

Almost spit my coffee at the computer screen. LOL

Fluffy wings are becoming on you.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 05:36 PM
LMAO...Then I did my job today!!! OF course, it would have been great if it would have went up your nose and OUT!!!

LMAO...NO, that would have hurt! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: lousygolfer Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 06:43 PM
Still:


Please start moving forward. That WILL create the wind.

Will probably blow WH away.

And DS13 knows whats going on. He needs his mother to be strong because his father is weak.

And that weakness can NOT be passed on. By denying its existence, you allow it to grow.

By confronting it for the evil that it is, you son will get stronger....

His strengh will grow with yours.

(((STILL)))

LG
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/19/07 07:08 PM
LG,

I really hope you are right. I do feel very weak at times. Ocassionally my kids do see it. That comes when I feel overwhelmed with the house and everything.

My kids are my strength. They are what kept me from going to very dark place... I was suicidal after first affair. My kids kept things in perspective.

I am going to stop being afraid... I can and will survive this.

I am feeling much stronger this afternoon than I did this morning.

Thank-you again LG I really hope one day you can tell me "I told you so".

PS.
Think I need to update my profile it's a year old now. Wow time flies. DS is now 14.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/20/07 12:16 AM
Still,

Hey Girl! Just checking in as I am 'kid free' tonight. Am working on stuff for tomorrow, but took a time out to check in here.

Do me a favor? Go back and read all of today's posts on your thread AGAIN. When I've been feeling the way you are today and I got the same kind of GREAT advice and support, I found that it helped me so much to read the posts more than once; especially to re-read my OWN statements in between.

FABULOUS stuff here today that so many will benefit from. Not that your pain is fabulous, but sharing it & being so open - - - and getting the advice you have, the support, love & {{{HUGS}}} inspires all who read here.

Take heart dear,,,we know, we care, we understand. We're all here supporting you,,,,,,,,,,

Don't make me encourage Rin to REALLY kick your butt! LMAO as she would say!!
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/20/07 12:44 AM
Bugs,

I got soo much help today, it really awes me that people that I only know through here really stepped up to the plate.

I have reread todays post several times today and the caring still brings tears to my eyes. I know all of you will understand how much it means when we are down and out that the great people of MB help us up off the floor.

I needed and recieved strength today and I hope someday I can recipercate.
Killing time till I have to pick up my DD from her teams poker night. It won't be late because tomorrow is a big game.

DD lost her license for 30 days for speeding, can't wait till next week when she can drive again. You don't realize how nice it is when they can bring themselves places.

Still
Posted By: Orchid Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/20/07 08:42 PM
Aloha Still, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good to hear from you. Sorry to hear the fog still resides in your neck of the woods. Glad you are not in it though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You are in the right direction. Stay focused and don't let them take away your smile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/21/07 01:54 AM
Aloha Orchid,

The fog is peasoup thick. I wish he would see what he is doing to his DD17.
I know I shouldn't care and let him hit bottom with all of this, I really don't want him to lose his daughters completely.

My co-worker offered to work for me this morning so I could go to my DD playoff soccer game. She doesn't get to play much. But today she got to play most of the second half. It will probably be the last soccer game she gets to play in of her HS career. And WH was no where to be found. DS had a scrimmage game and he went to that instead. I hurt so mcuh for her.

Other than that I am doing so much better that I was yesterday morning. I am moving forward. And he is sinking. Not my problem.

Thanks for checking in Orchid.... I wish things were different but they are not. It is what it is.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/29/07 12:25 PM
Good morning everyone,

Just wanted to say SWEEP....Way to go Bosox. Kind of glad it's over so now I can get some sleep. DD20 called me this morning at 1am from Kenmore Square, she said it was wild there. (Sorry Chris about the rockies)

Just wanted to say something about maybe Karma is happening. (at least to ho) A friend ran into someone yesterday that asked what my WH's thing was named. She has an unusual name. Because she applied for a job where she works and put my WH down as a reference. Needless to say she said they are not even calling her for an interview... don't need someone like that to break up some one elses family. God may strike me down but I did gloat a little, okay maybe a lot.

Got to get going to decorate a schoolbus DD17 soccer team is going to the finals to decide who goes to the states next weekend.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/29/07 12:36 PM
Still,

Can't say as I'm a Sox fan,,,but I bet DD had a great time celebrating!!

A little gloating (ok a lot) isn't going to send you to Hades and is perfectly understandable!! I laughed at it myself! Good to know that there are others out there IRL that don't want that kind of person around either!

Good luck to DD & her team! What's their mascot?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/29/07 02:05 PM
Hi bugs,

Thanks for the good wishes for DD soccer team. Our mascot is a black raider.

I know I won'y go to hades....it's just not very "christian" of me. My GF that told me she thought it might be work that is making her change jobs. Told her I thought they would of done that last year when all this came out. My thoughts are that she isn't weel liked by her co-workers... that was part of the reason that she started going to WH because the girls didn't like her. When my WH told me that I said "do you think it's because they think she is sleeping with the boss?" Which she was. Oh well it gave me an oppurtunity to tell my kids once a reputation is lost it's very hard to get that back.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/30/07 01:20 AM
My DD's soccer team is going to the state championship game.

Something strange happpened at the game...WH bought me a hot chocolate. Now why do I want to read more into this...it's just a cup of hot chocolate. It's not like he is even close to coming back. Am I being really pathetic?

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/30/07 02:57 PM
Your WH is a well practiced fence sitter at this point. Why examine his motives for buying you a hot chocolate? Why not examine his motives for stopping the D? How about going back into Plan B? You cannot think clearly if you are wondering over him buying you a hot chocolate, Still.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 10/31/07 11:42 AM
Still,

No, you are not pathetic! As far as I can tell, you are pretty gosh darn normal! It's WH that is at issue here, not you.

I'd second Silent's questions to you,,,,,,what do you think??
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/01/07 03:33 AM
Silent and Bugs,

I think he isn't really pushing for the divorce right now because he has everything he wants.

A place of his own.
Time to be with ho when he wants,
See the kids when he wants.
And my income to boot.
Once the divorce is final he'll have to pay child support etc. and not have my income to help him play with his honey.

That's why I need this to end. He doesn't give a ****** about me...

Tonight just happened to drive by ho's house to bring DS to McD's and he was driving out of her driveway. Ouch

Still
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/01/07 10:11 AM
Still,
Sounds like you might have some decisions to make. I'm hearing that you "need this to end." I'm also hearing that there is still a lot of really raw pain.

So what is it exactly that you need to end? Are you referring to the marriage? or the pain? Because you know that the pain won't disappear just because the marriage ends.

I suspect that the really raw pain has much to do with the level of contact between the two of you.

The sports makes it difficult. Now that soccer's about over, what's next on the sports calendar? It would be great if you had a little break from that.

You can control whether or not you drive by the ho house. Take the long way to MickeyD's.

OTOH, it is also painful to be in the place of limbo. The financial stuff that you mentioned really bothers me. You should be taking care of yourself...he's really taking advantage of you. By dropping the D, he got himself out of having to pay the price (literally) of taking up with the ho.....now he gets her for free.

I don't know what to tell you; I wish I did. You are in an awful spot. He filed, but dropped it at the 11th hour. You continue to have contact. He's taking advantage of you financially. He's still clearly with the ho. You are still in a lot of pain.

If you filed, you could get an order in immediately for CS, at least. You could ask your attorney to drag it out...mine took a year.

This might give you some breathing room, and you might feel better about yourself if you took some control over your life, as opposed to living by his whim, waiting for the next shoe to drop.

But taking that step.....would be exceedingly difficult.

I'm just thinking aloud here....I wish I had some advice. You are in such a bad spot.

((((((still)))))
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/01/07 11:55 AM
I know that you have decisions to make, so why not slink back into a good, dark, SOLID Plan B state and get to thinking. Take that time to detach, find your own personal strength, grieve and let go. I wouldn't advise making decisions while you are still in such emotional turmoil.

Let STill be happy in HER life. Wash that Wayward right out of your hair.

Look at Lunamare's thread. She was in Plan B for two years before she felt confident in her decisions. I think you need some real time to evaluate what has happened over the last 6 years. You have been going at this THAT long, and it will require a lot of time away from this man to see clearly. His dropping the D has you in a tailspin.

It may have been ark^^ who posted it, but she said, "Just be still..."
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/01/07 03:36 PM
Good Morning Sis and Silent,

I do think I need to go dark again. I really thought I could handle some interaction with WH, now I know I can't. At this point I don't think I ever can.

I want to be done with the pain... and I think that may include the marraige as well. He didn't drop the divorce he just postponed it. In August things were suppose to move forward. His attorney became a judge plus she really never responded to any letters from my attorney about financial papers. My attorney contactd me last week with the name of his new attorney so hopefully things will begin to happen.

i'm going to pull back for my own sanity.

Soccer will be over Sat. Then there is hockey and swimming. I'll surround myself with friends. That's all I can do.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/01/07 04:31 PM
((((Still))))

I know how hard this must be for you. It really is best to shut him out. I'm sure you can take a lot of pain, but it's just not necessary. You deserve time to get your head together, and be free from this tangled mess.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/01/07 05:36 PM
Thanks for the hugs Silent.
It is hard... I know this will make me a stronger person in the long run.
I just need to keep telling myself it's been 6 years of this garbage, not all of the 6 years were bad. The hard was the majority of it. He wasn't remorseful the first time and I struggled with that. And "if" he were to come back would I be in the same place in a year or two. I can't accept that and I won't accept that.
My road ahead is without him, at least for the time being. I need to stop looking at the door that is closed and look at the one that God has open for me. I'm scared, actually I'm really scared. But the light that is beaming from that open door is comforting knowing that God will help me through it.
I just need to stay away from him... right now he is toxic to my soul.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/01/07 11:28 PM
Still,

Just saying hi!

Quote
I just need to stay away from him... right now he is toxic to my soul


YEP.

So, as was asked before,,,,,do you get a sporting event break soon where you won't have to see him??
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/02/07 12:39 AM
HI Bugs,

No unfortunately no breaks. Will just have to be invisable. Hockey has already started. Then after Thanksgiving DD starts swimming.

I will figure out a way to do this... got my thinking cap on right now. Any ideas on how to become the invisable woman?

Or should I say he becomes the invisable man and I can still be the goddess so he can eat his heart out when he realizes just what he lost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/02/07 12:38 PM
I think the last suggestion is the best. I don't really have any suggestions; my son is 5, and we never had sporting events to try and avoid each other at.
Posted By: lousygolfer Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/02/07 01:38 PM
Still:

Get out of the limbo.

Your WH is enjoying the fence.

It's alot better there then it will ever be on either side of it.

He doesn't WANT to COME HOME.

So that side isn't good.

And falling over to the actual Plan D side, means, he finally has to start paying for his decisions.

So.

Its.

Time.

To.

Push.

Humpty.

Dumpty.

Off.

The.

Fence.

Plan B is fine. But you need Plan D.

The fence sitting WH has turned his lettle perch into a penthouse, and LOVES the view.

So he brings you a coffee. What, at the most, that was $3.00.

The emotional turmoil since then has cost you more than that.

You are worth SO MUCH more than that.

Take control Still.

Because you have ceeded so much control to him.

Sports, smorts. So what if he attends every game that you are at. You not there for HIM. You are there for YOUR KIDS.

Take control of YOUR life.

LG
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/02/07 03:01 PM
LG,

I am pushing him off the fence. Sent a e-mail to my attorney to check about financial papers we requested back in August. I need this done. I want this done.

I know he's not coming back... and yes that hurts but I can't and won't linger on that anymore. I want to begin my life I am sick and tired of limbo. I know my limbo is stopping me from moving forward. I have to stop focusing on them. And it's me that is keeping me there.

Actually the hot cocoa probably didn't even cost that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The sporting events I can handle, I have a great support system in place. And you are right I am there for my kids not him.

My last day of focusing on them. Went to a friend who reads cards and she said I am holding myself back by looking backwards and not forward that the good energy (ie God) can't help me if I'm still focusing on them. That as soon as I let go and put all that energy in me good things will come.
Also had her "read" cards of MOW.... it was kind of interesting. She is having much turmoil aat work that the people around her son't like her and financially. She is looking for financial stability (which she doesn't realise won't come from WH) and a house. She sees me as happy and at peace. She is in much turmoil right now. I know she isn't happy at work because I heard she was looking for another job. And that there is an older man (not WH) encouraging her.
Enough about them.
Looking forward.....

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/04/07 01:43 PM
Still,

About this card reader comment,,

Quote
I am holding myself back by looking backwards and not forward that the good energy (ie God) can't help me if I'm still focusing on them. That as soon as I let go and put all that energy in me good things will come.


Sweetie, you didn't need a card reader to tell you this and you know it. Several folks here have been saying it for a long time. Maybe you DID need to hear it from her so that you might finally listen?? Be careful of this kind of thing(card reading, etc) it takes you off of focusing on where the True answers come from - God.

Glad you are pushing thru the financial papers - LG is right about WH setting up his penthouse on the fence and it's time for him to be evicted.

Believe me, you know *I* struggle with too many thoughts about Drac, so I know it's hard to keep moving forward to the new unknown life. But what are you getting with life the way it is right now??? Don't sit idly by and continue to miss out on YOUR life.

It's going to be FANTASTIC!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/04/07 06:14 PM
Who won states?
Posted By: johnstwin Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/04/07 06:22 PM
Still-

Have you heard of the book "When He Leaves" by Kari West and Noelle Quinn. They were both BWs who have written this book as a way to help hurting wives move forward. It was a great help to me. I actually gave away my copy to a friend and then bought it again to read through after my D was final and I was on the mend. Both times it was helpful.

PS: How did the soccer team do? (I'm a former goal keeper-7 years-and high school JV coach).
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/05/07 01:41 AM
Hey Bugs,

I did the card reading just for "fun". It's funny how it's the same message (and oh how hard it is to do) just to let go.
My life is in God's hands....

Now about the states, the game was postponed due to remnants of hurricane Neil. It rained like a son of gun yesterday. It's now going to be Tuesday evening under the lights. Although on Tues they are predicting rain again. Hopefully the game will get played before snow falls.

It was weird to have the soccer banquet and still have games left. WH sat at the same table as I did. I really didn't say to much to him. And I'm not falling apart rght now. (yeah me).

Johnstwin thanks for stopping by... I do have that book. I think I need to dig it out again to reread it. It was very helpful to me right after I read it. Think I will do that tonight.

Hi Sis.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/05/07 02:01 AM
It's it nice when you can BE with them and not really be concerned with them...WH...POWS...I like it!

Good to hear you are doing well!

Take care!
Rin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 11/06/07 02:15 PM
Okay I think I'm just going to have to suck it up. Parent teacher conferances are next week. Of cours Wh didn't get his form in om time. Apparently they scheduled us together.
Talked with the school this morning... there is no room for the teachers to have 2 appts for each child. That this is about the kids and we need to work together. They feel badly about the situation that I"m in but they cannot accomodate 2 separate meetings. This stinks...I lost it on the phone and cried. I hate when I do that.
So now I look like the bad guy for not wanting to play nice.

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/14/07 05:47 PM
I guess I really haven't posted much in a while.

So much going on that I really don;t even know where to begin.

I'm doing the St. Jude novena to heal my marraige. Praying for St. Jude to break up WH relationship with MOW and bring someone else into her life.

I really need help here. I need to follow a plan but I'm not sure which one at this point.

We are a backup case on Monday the 17th. Although both our attorneys feel we won't go to trial. Wh is very confused right now. He's not sure what he wants. This morning I saw him while I was on my way to get a rental and see my attorney. I stopped by his house to pick up some paperwork. We both haven't been sleeping. He actually hugged me twice. Granted a one arm hug but something he hasn't given me since June and our other court date.

My hope is that it's St. Jude starting to intervene and open his heart. My attorney said he doesn't have many cases where neither party seems to want to move forward toward divorce or reconciliation. My heart tells me that he may be thinking about this though.

My attorney gave me something to think about told him I would let him know in a couple of days. He said we could write a letter to WH attorney stating that we will be moving forward with the divorce in January unless 3 things

1. We both dismiss the divorce complaint.

2. He gets rid of the girlfriend

3. We go for marriage counciling.

Help I really need some advice. Right now I'll admit I'm afraid to play hardball. I'm afraid it will just make him angry and ruin any thoughts he may have of stopping the divorce.

Still
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/14/07 06:31 PM
Quote
My attorney gave me something to think about told him I would let him know in a couple of days. He said we could write a letter to WH attorney stating that we will be moving forward with the divorce in January unless 3 things

1. We both dismiss the divorce complaint.

2. He gets rid of the girlfriend

3. We go for marriage counciling.

I think this is a bad idea. This should not come from your attorney, it should come from you. And I don't think it's something you need to move on in a couple of days. I think it would be the equivalent of taking matters out of God's hands and trying to "make things happen". I vote for waiting this out just a little longer, at least until after the holidays.

I realize you have a court date and I'm sure your attorney would like to be able to clear his own docket if your WH were to accept these terms. But this is just too important to throw out an ultimatum at this point.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/14/07 07:58 PM
Thank-you PM,

I was hoping you would see this. I really don't think it's a good idea either. If he's having second thoughts about all of this I think this would drive him right away. I just needed someone eles opionion who has been on our end of things.

I am going to wait it out... let it work out in it's own time. And if he does come to the point of dropping the divorce and reconciling that's when I can bring this up. Because those are boundries I have. No MOW and some type of counciling

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/14/07 11:06 PM
Bumping up for more opinions.

Still
Posted By: Orchid Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/15/07 03:42 AM
Hi Still,

U need to play hard ball. Do it while he is mushed in the cavesa (head - in spanish??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

L.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/15/07 05:28 AM
Still,

I was so glad to see you posted! I 'wish' i knew what to tell you -- - other than be 'Still' and listen to what HE is telling you.

I am for boundaries. I am for you sticking to the requirements. I am just not sure (like you) on the how & when to deliver the message.

There are 2 options. Play hard ball as Orchid advises. OR deliver the 'message' yourself as PM says. You can tell him that neither of you HAS to move towards the D. You CAN work together to heal your M,,, and give him your conditions for that to happen.


What do YOU think he is going to do Monday? What is the harm - - -or the potential good or bad if you do nothing more than wait and see what he does on Monday (or what he doesn't do?). I am sure you have played out the scenarios in your mind,,,,, what do you think?
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/15/07 05:51 AM
I wish I had the answer, Still.

(((Still)))
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/15/07 11:43 AM
Still...I think of you so often.

I have a question: if you knew nothing of what WH is thinking/feeling/doing right now, what would your plan be?

All the what ifs and should bes and just maybes and speculation...

What about YOU?

I know how much you want to save your marriage. I understand that. This is so, SO scary.

I wish it were easier to just give it to God. To not try to DO something. You have been doing what you need to do...the novena. Please trust in Him. Have faith that somehow, some way, your prayers will be answered. And remember that they can be answered in more than one way.

Maybe He will guide you to write a letter. Maybe He will guide you to just let him do his work. I don't know. I wish I did.

One of the most difficult things, I think, is trying to discern His will from your own.

You listen to your heart. Find peace with whatever it is that you decide to do, and believe with absolute certainty that you did everything YOU could.

(((((still)))))
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/15/07 11:49 PM
Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom.

Orchid.... right now I'm not ready to play hardball. I'm seeing more of H than WH when we see each other. I know that will just push him away and make him think that's why I want this divorce. I'll wait it out for right now... and if the time comes I will play hardball.

Bugs... I don't think we will be called for court on Monday morning. We are a back up case pending if the divorce before us would of settled. And apparently the attorneys (same ones) are not even talking about that particular case. So unless one of the cleints get sick we are not on the docket. My attorney told me to go to work and not worry about it.

Sdguy... thanks for the hugs. We always can use hugs even the cyber kind.

LilSis... if I didn't know any of WH thoughts at this point I would still be doing the novena to heal my marriage. So I'm continuing in that vein at this point.
We actually laugh a little when we talk to each other now. And that hasn't happened for so very long.

Yesterday when he gave me hugs I started to cry. After I left I TM him to say sorry I cried. He answered back. Why? So do I.
I asked him he crys? And he told me do I think he doesn't care at all about the last 28 years. So it's little things like that when I see H not WH.

Right now I going to be "still" like Bugs says.... and see where this goes. Just be myself and continue my novena.

Now I wish I could get some insight from some FWS... if they think this mat be a good sign.

Thanks guys... even though I haven't been posting lately I still try to keep up on yout threads.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/15/07 11:59 PM
Still,

Maybe there is some softening going on there!

If you have time, share a bit more on what's been going on. It's hard to advise without know what's been happening there. If you are seeing H more than WH,,,,it sounds promising to me.

I am praying for you both!

{{{Still}}}
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/16/07 12:16 AM
Hey Bugs,

Thanks for the prayers... right now it's what is keeping me going.

I'll have to figure out the time line of what's been going on. He has started helping more around the house. Shoveling, coming to fix my hot tub in freezing weather, fixing locks etc... And everytime he does something like that I make sure I thank him personally if I'm here. Shoveling he does at times when I'm working. In those cases I text him thank-you and how much I appreciate him helping.

I think it started Thanksgiving... I had to work. On my way to work (it was early) I TM him Happy Thanksgiving and I hoped he had a nice day with the kids. Apparently I woke him and he called me as soon as he got the message. He was still very sleepy and there was no anger in his voice. He told me that he knew it was hard for me to work the holiday and that he hoped I had a good day at work. I cried all the way to work.
When I ahd some free time at work I composed a e-mail that I sent him telling him everything I was thank-ful for in my life. Kids, our home, work, my faith. I mentioned the only thing I'm missing in my life was my husband. And how I was thankful for all our years together.
I mentioned how it wasn't coming out right... and wasn't sure if it was the holidays or hormones but I told him that hearing his voice that morning went through me.
I'll find a copy of the e-mail and post it if you'd like... essentially I just told him that I had always loved him and I was sorry that I did a lousy job of showing it. He actually thanked me yesterday for the e-mail.
So basically that's what's going on. All I can think of right now.

Still
Posted By: BestAngel Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/16/07 01:01 AM


Is the OW still married? Does her husband know? I don't see the affair having any chance of lasting due to the recent development.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/16/07 03:24 AM
Best Angel,

The MOW is still married as far as I know, although they have filed. I exposed to her husband in August of 2006. He didn't have a clue. They hadn't even been married 3 years at that point. She had done this to her first H, although her current H wasn't her AP. She works for my H and I also exposed at thier workplace.

I know the affair will not last, she doesn't seem to stick around with people very long. I figure it's been going on now for almost 2 years. I'm hoping right now it's on it's deathbed. At least that is what I'm praying to St. Jude for.

Still
Posted By: believer Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/16/07 04:37 AM
Affairs never last. If it has been going for almost 2 years, it will end soon. Most last less than a year. My ex's lasted 3 1/2 years, but they led a fairy-tale life with lots of money to blow.
Posted By: 14th Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/16/07 04:40 AM
Yikes - 3-1/2 years! I'm not sure I would be strong enough for that.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/16/07 02:29 PM
Still,

It sounds like regrets are upon him right now. It doesn't seem from what you've said that he really wants to go through with this.

How does this holiday season & his behavior compare to the last couple of holiday seasons? Is HE different?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/17/07 11:13 AM
Morning Bugs,

I'm hoping that he is starting to regret his decisions. Although there is a little part of me that is saying that it's just the holidays and thats why.

Last year there was sooo much anger and hurt on my part, that the interactions we did have were LB's. The Christmas prior to that was him pulling away from us... the affair beginning. This year he is still guarded, but sometimes he lets that down. You would think that I would be the one that should be guarded. It's not like we are spending lots of time together. It's just small doses of seeing each other and talking throughout the week.

Last night I had a dream that we had to go to court this morning... and there was nothing we could do to stop it. That's all I can remember because I know I woke up with a start. I can't even remember if he wanted to stop it or it was just me.

So I don't know if we'll get called today.... hopefully the divorce before us remains in the books. I'm rambling and I should be getting ready for work.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/17/07 12:23 PM
Still,

I'm sorry my magic crystal ball is on the fritz this morning, so I can't tell you what's going to happen today in court.

What i CAN tell you is that no matter what does happen, you will be just FINE. You have come very far and gained such STRENGTH. Don't forget that. Hold fast to that strength and the hand of the Lord who is with you today.

You are in my prayers!

{{{STILL}}}
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/17/07 05:09 PM
Still,
I just caught up today; I'm sorry I haven't been here; lots of my own stuff to deal with.

Are you saying that you could be in court for finalizing the D today? Please post when you can.

The holidays can be a weird time, with a WS. I would definitely exercise caution.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/18/07 12:11 AM
Hey Bugs,

When you gonna get that crystal ball fixed....I'm sure many of us here could use it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I know I'll be fine no matter what happens, I'm just hoping it'll be recovery of my marriage.

Silent... no problem I understand you also have so much going on. I'll pray that everything goes okay with your surgery.

Well we didn't get called to court today... I was antsy until around 9:30 when I knew absolutely we wouldn't get called. So the way I'm looking at it is I have a few more weeks repreive. I am trying to be cautious, it's just I want this so bad I can taste it.

Now I think I'm going to work on a letter to give him Christmas Eve. Any ideas?

Still
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/19/07 05:10 PM
Things are still going about the same. There is no more anger when we talk, sometimes we even laugh. No talk yet, not sure if I should push it or just continue to be "still".

Last night he offered to bring home DS after hockey practice so I wouldn't have to go out again. I told him that would be very helpful. When he brought DS home he again shoveled the front porch... even though he's not feeling well.

This morning I TM him to ask how he was feeling. He called me a couple of hours later... saying he just woke up and was taking a day off from work so he could Christmas shop. I offered to go with him as I have shopping I need to do also. He told me he was already halfway there, but he would call me later to talk about Christmas presents. We ended the conversation laughing. So that's where we are today. I will see him tonight at the hockey game.

Still
Posted By: BestAngel Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/21/07 04:50 PM
Stillhurting, how are you doing?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/22/07 01:01 PM
BA,

Thanks for asking. I'm doing okay. Trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit. Believe it or not it was a lot easier last year to get myself there.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/22/07 06:04 PM
Hey Still!

Sounds kind of like, so far so good?

While you are being 'still' it looks like things are happening for the good. Somehow I think you will know if/when to say anything further about the M.

What do you think?
Posted By: BestAngel Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/22/07 10:19 PM
Quote
BA,

Thanks for asking. I'm doing okay. Trying to get myself into the Christmas spirit. Believe it or not it was a lot easier last year to get myself there.

Still

Based on recent development and if things continue to go the way it has been going, don't be surprise that your next Christmas will be the best you have have in years. Keep your hopes up.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/23/07 11:50 AM
Morning all,

Should be in the shower getting ready for church. So I'll be quick.

Bugs... I'm continuing to be "still". So far our interactions have been on an even keel. Yesterday he even called me after he found out DD20 was giving me a hard time. He told me don't let her get to you. I just told him I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. He even called to ask DD and myself to meet him at a store to help him pick out something for DD17. Now this is the weekend he could be spending with her. Trying not to think about that to much. I plan on giving him a card Christmas Eve (leaving it on his door) so he sees it when he gets back from his family. I'm ready to give the best gift I can this Christmas... my forgiveness. Going to see if we can ahve a talk sometime soon about everything.

BA,
I hope you're right about next Christmas... I keep think I'm losing hope and I gues I still have little embers of hope burning in my soul.

Still
Posted By: BestAngel2007 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/24/07 12:08 AM
Quote
BA,
I hope you're right about next Christmas... I keep think I'm losing hope and I gues I still have little embers of hope burning in my soul.

Still

You know deep down that I could be right. Trying to enjoy yourself for the remaining of this year, because it's over soon and next could be so much better. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BA
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/24/07 08:11 AM
BA,

Next year can't be worse than the last 2 I guess. How I feel right now is next year can only swing up.

Still
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/24/07 08:26 AM
Hey Still...just saw you post and figured I say Merry Christmas before heading to bed!
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/24/07 10:28 AM
Still,

Merry Christmas sweetie!

Remember, you ARE loved - no matter what WH does or does not do these next couple of days.

As Mimi says, Chin up and Chest out my fellow Goddess!

{{{{{{STILL}}}}}}
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/24/07 12:35 PM
Thanks Rin and Bugs,

Merry Christmas to both you and your families also.

Chin is up and chest is out.

Still
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/24/07 10:42 PM
Next year will be so much better, Still. I'm sure of it.

Merry Christmas!
Posted By: LilSis Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/24/07 10:56 PM
Still:
You've been through the wringer this year, that's for sure. It's just one 24-hour period. You can make it through.

I will pray for you, and Bugs and Rin and sd and SL tonight at mass, as I do every day. But tonight, at Mass, all filled with warmth and love and candlelight...I hope it has extra significance.

When do you go to Mass?

((((Merry Christmas, still)))))

Sis
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/25/07 04:58 PM
Merry Christmas, Still!
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/25/07 11:51 PM
Hi Still,

I don't believe I have posted to you, but I want to wish you a warm day filled with lots of hope and faith from G-d.

Like Mimi says, CHEST OUT AND HEAD UP. WE ARE WARRIOR GODDESSES, who can help each other get through this and to the other side of blessings.

Bracha
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/25/07 11:52 PM
Thanks for the well wishes.

LilSis I went to Mass at 4pm on Christmas Eve. Only teared up a couple of times during the christmas hymms. I also prayed for everyone here. I wish it wasn't something we are all dealing with. But heck we are making it.

Kids were with WH last night, after they left I went to his place to tape my card to his door. Included this letter.

M,

It's really early morning on Christmas Eve right now. Sleep is just eluding me, as it has been for the past couple of weeks.

There is something that I would like to give you this Christmas. I know it's not something that you have asked for, I really don't know if it's something you really want.

When I e-mailed you Thanksgiving I mentioned I was working on forgiveness and I wasn't quite there yet. It's something I have been working on since. Not sure if this will matter or not to you, I hope it does. M I forgive you. It's a simple gift that didn't cost any money, it's just something that is coming straight from my heart.

My only wish for this Christmas... is the chance to heal our marriage. A chance for each of us to heal the many hurts we have caused each other. I'm not sure if my Christmas wish will ever come true.

M, you had mentioned you weren't sure what you wanted. The only thing I ask is can we please get together and talk about this?

I hope I hear something back from you. As always I still love you. Merry Christmas.

D.

This morning he came and dropped off DS X-box 360 and TM me shortly after he left to say I looked nice. And he also thanked me for the card and said it was very nice.

Getting through today but he is always in the back of my mind. Hope it's different next Christmas.

Still
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/26/07 12:01 AM
That was beautiful. How do you feel about it?
Posted By: Orchid Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/26/07 12:07 AM
Still,

I almost cried reading your letter. He would have t/b heartless not to let this touch his heart. Then again.....Ws' have been known t/b heartless. Still, amazing things have happened before.

Don't want to get your hopes up but you did what you needed t/d, right? So as SG asked, how are you feeling now?

I ask because this c/b a turning point for you.

take care,
L.
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/26/07 01:25 AM
{{{{Still}}}}
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/26/07 02:28 AM
still,

Do you realize the strength and power you have? It took a Very Strong person to write such a beautiful and powerful letter! I am in awe of you today.

How are you doing this evening?

{{Goddess Still}}
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/27/07 01:07 AM
Skin, Orchid, Sdguy and Bugs,

Thank-you for the input on my letter to my WH. Can you believe I wrote that at 2 am Christmas Eve. I just couldn't sleep.

I feel good about giving it to him. Orchid I hope you are right about it touching his heart. I just wanted him to know that I have forgiven him. I had to do that for myself also. Lately I have been seeing more of H than WH. But who knows in this world of infidelity.

Bugs... I wish I felt as strong as you think I am for giving the letter. I shook all the way over there. All I know is that he did read it and thanked me for it. No word about talking yet, I'll give it some more time.

Have I told you guys lately I love ya!

Still
Posted By: Orchid Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/27/07 09:17 AM
Quote
...Have I told you guys lately I love ya!


Probably.... but we know we luv ya 2!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/27/07 01:21 PM
Still,

I was just thinking about you and the fact that it can feel like such a 'let down' after the emotional expenditure you put into the letter.

How are you doing?
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/27/07 02:40 PM
Once you learn to let the outcome of such communications go, and realize that you have spoken your truth and faced your fear, you won't feel nearly as much 'let down' from these interactions.

It takes guts to face your sitch head on, Still. I hope you feel empowered by your actions.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/28/07 12:47 AM
Bugs,
Actually it's not so much of an emotional letdown as it is the waiting. I feel like I have been waiting forever. Sometimes it's so hard to be "still"

Silent thanks for popping in. The letter is done and I'm trying not to feel let down. It something I needed to do. The ball per se is back in his court.

Still
Posted By: StillSame Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/28/07 12:57 AM

stillhurting, what's the status on the OW's marriage? Did your H ever express any desire to move in with her?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/28/07 11:24 AM
The status of OW's marriage is divorce pending. They could be divorced for all I know.

And I'm out of the loop on that one. I have no idea if he has oe had a desire to move in with her. I don't think they will, she has 2 small childen where ours are grown.

Still
Posted By: StillSame Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/29/07 07:54 PM
Still, have you have the conversation with your H yet?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/29/07 11:04 PM
SS,

No not yet. I did text him today and asked if we could get together and talk. He said we could talk... kind of left out the part about getting together. Maybe he feels that he's cheating on the MOW if we get together. I don't know.

I'd like to ask him to go out New Years Eve, but I'm afraid he'll tell me he has plans with her. Maybe tomorrow.... I'll just pray to God for the right words to say. My IC thinks I should ask him what changed his mind. That before he was all gung-ho about he was happy. Now he tells me he is having trouble sleeping and he crys also. She thinks that if I ask him his feelings that it may get him thinking.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Still
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Still....My road to healing - 12/31/07 01:48 PM
Still,

Hey girl! What's going on? How about an update?
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/24/08 03:24 PM
I guess I am due for an update.

So much has happened since the last time I posted.

We never got together to talk.... I sent one last letter in the mail with Truehearts letter. And asked him to read it with an open heart and mind. That I wasn't sending it to slam him. I was sending it to show that marriages can be healed after infidelity. That I still had hope for our marriage and that hope was fading with each day we got closer to court.

He called me on the way to my attorney's office last week and said he got my letter and he hasn't finished reading Truehearts letter. That we would talk. We talked this past Sunday night around 11:30PM. He told me he is so very sorry for all the hurt he has caused me. That this isn't easy for him either. That he feels like he has done too much damage to repair our marriage. After our conversation I couuldn't sleep at all.
Monday I had my last appointment with my attorney to go over the settlement and to prepare for our hearing. That night my DS had a hockey game and I had a hard time looking at him. I was with a freind and we were talking, he had a good view of us. After he TM'd me how he never talked about our divorce with our freinds. I asked him what he was talking about. He said you were huddles with D talking about us. Texted hom back I was "huddled" with D telling her I still hoped he would change his mind that I still loved him.
His response then how i'm getting everything we own.
My response I am losing the man I love.
At 1:30am he TM me " U up"
Me: I am now. Do u need 2 talk?"
Him: U hate me?
Me: No, how many time 2day have I told u I still love you?"
Him. Then why r u asking me to pay transfer fees? (foggy brain)
Him: Nothing to say?
Me: WTF r u talking about"
Him Thanks for swearing.
Then I called him... told him that our marriage is still repairable.
That it's not to late, we have until morning.
He told me what changes will be made. I told him we both had to change. And the most important one was the GF would have to go. He said that would be a given.
I asked him what he wanted in a marraige? He said a true partnership (wanted to say that means 2 people but didn't" He told me he was unhappy for a long time. I told him so wasn't I, but that we needed to tell each other not other people.
He told me when he sees me he still thinks that I am so pretty. that he hates himself for what he has done. That that's not the type of person he is. I told him I know that. He said that's not what I said in the past (told him his affair was a hole in his character). I told him I was hurt when I said that.
He told me he still cares for me deeply. I asked if he stilled loved me? He told me, he doesn't know if that could ever come back. I told him with time it could. We talked some more about some of his issues with me. Then he said he would call me in the morning. Not much sleeping after that. Still had some hope. And realizing he still is foggy.... not sure he's still with her.
He called that morning ( I threw up that morning) and said he's see me at court.
Had a friend drive me to court. I couldn't look at him. During the meeting prior to going in front of the judge he got angry and asked to leave the room for a minute. Then we went before the judge and I testified... my attorney made it clear in the record that this is not what I wanted, that I felt we could still resolve our issues, but realized that if Mr. O wanted to proceed I accept the settlement. Judge then asked me if I felt okay with the settlement, I said if it has to be this way yes. The he asked if he felt the marriage was irreconcialable... it seemed like forever for him to finally answer yes.
After my attorney told me he was in worse shape then I was.
I cried when I got into my freinds car and he saw that.
He TM'd me... didn't look at it for awhile because I thought it might be nasty cause I had a friend there.
Finally looked at it and he said he was so sorry.
Then he TM'd me two more times... why did you give me back your wedding ring? ( had put my weding ring on his truck keys when I returnesd them) Then he texted me again because I wasn't answering him... that when I was ready to talk let him know.
I know this is long... there is so much more. I was so numbed that day.
Will write more later have things I need to get done.

Still
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/24/08 05:07 PM
So sorry, Still.

((((Still))))
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/24/08 05:52 PM
Thanks Sdguy,

I'm sorry too! It's still in God's hands. I actually feel okay today. I'm seeing more and more of H. WH doesn't show his face around me very much anymore. I'm still going to pray for the restoration of my marriage.... God still has work to do on me and WH. It's just not God's time yet. I guess i have more work to do on me.

While I thought all my friends thought I was crazy for still wanting to work on my marriage.... many of them had told me how "strong" I am to still be willing to stand for my marriage. Funny how many times I didn't feel very strong.

Still
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/24/08 06:00 PM
Well, it's been said a gazillion times, but recovery does take a lot of strength, so let God do his work.

Judging from his recent interactions, it doesn't sound like your H wants the D, but he's enmeshed with OW. They cannot think clearly until they are free from that bondage, and for sometime thereafter.

I didn't feel strong many times, but I perservered, still do. There must be strength in that. The fact that I can smile and laugh and NOT worry that something is going to stop the happiness, ruin it, is a good sign that I'm healing. I have stopped allowing those 'somethings' ruin my happiness. I just deal with whatever the problem is and move on.
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/24/08 07:02 PM
He still sounds very Foggy, which you have also detected.

The trick is to live a good life in the face of the hurt. I would recommend going back to a dark, dark Plan B.

Hmm. This advice sounds familiar.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/24/08 07:40 PM
Quote
Hmm. This advice sounds familiar.


Letting him go could give him the much needed push toward the bottom. You won't know until you try, and then you can have more peace.

What day was that CHASING THE GERBIL page?
Posted By: sdguy038 Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/25/08 04:28 AM
November 30.
Posted By: stillhurting01 Re: Still....My road to healing - 01/25/08 01:05 PM
Thanks guys,

Yes he still is very foggy. And I am thinking of going back to plan B. Might plan A a little longer.

And I will read Nov 30th about chasing the gerbil.

Still
Posted By: stillhurtingnot Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 03:02 AM
Hi,
Just wanted to check in it's been over a year since I last posted. Had to change my username from Stillhurting01 to Stillhurtingnot. Someday I hope to get to the point where the hurt is just a bad memory.
Not sure if anyone remembers me or not. My divorce has been final for almost a year and I hate it.
Right now I'm standing by my vows and still praying for exWH to get back to God. It's difficult and alot of days I want to give up but I feel God is telling me to wait for just a little longer.

Just wanted to check in and say hi...think some of this is the winter doldrums.

Still
Posted By: imagine Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 01:37 PM
Thank for dropping a line Still.

What is xH position at the moment?
Posted By: stillhurtingnot Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 02:16 PM
Hi Imagine,
I guess exWH is in a on again off again relationship with the ho. They broke up last summer for awhile but are back together now. Who knows for how long... only God knows that.

Unfortunately last fall he moved up the street from me, so now I run into her going down my street to visit (and those times I do literally want to run into her, my car is much bigger than hers). At least they are not living together that would be even harder on my kids.

Still
Posted By: imagine Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 02:31 PM
What happened when they broke up. Did he try contact you?
Posted By: stillhurtingnot Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 02:37 PM
I found out after they broke up... so I'm not sure how long that lasted. He had bought concert tickets for our daughters for christmas for a concert at the end of July. Apparently he had also bought her a ticket. I knew something was up when he asked our son if he wanted to go the concert. Just hoping and praying that he wouldn't bring her and ruin the concert for our daughters.

After the concert my DD18 and I went out to dinner and she mentioned in passing that her dad asked if they were curious why he had an extra ticket. They said not really and he told them she was no longer a part of his life. That didn't last long. I can tell you the relief I felt when they were broken up.

He came around more and helped me with things. Even took me for a short ride on his new motorcycle. Now he's back in fogland.

Still
Posted By: imagine Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 02:59 PM
I have no qualms using devious tactics breaking devious connections.

Anonymously send her a large vase of flowers with a note that says "Thank you - You know who"
Posted By: stillhurtingnot Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 03:07 PM
That's a good one. Now if only I knew where she lived. She has moved out of our town and living in the town I work.

May God forgive me for what I'm going to say because I have struggled with weight for a long time (until the infidelity diet) but I swear she has gained all the weight I have lost (about 50 + pounds). It gives me great satisfaction.

I will try to find out where she lives and have flowers delivered.... would dead roses be wrong???

Still
Posted By: imagine Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 03:50 PM
LOL... I think this might spoil the effect on xH.

Do you think that overweight was an EN of xH. Any road you keep slim.
Posted By: stillhurtingnot Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 04:02 PM
I don't think so.... she wasn't heavy when they first started out. He also was losing weight (red flag). Right now he has also put on about 50 pounds. It must be all the wining and dining they do.

When he gave me a ride on his motorcycle it was all I could do to get my arms around him lol. I plan on keeping the weight off... don't have much of an apetite. Now I just need to get back to the gym to firm up.

Okay so the flowers must be alive.

I did buy myself a dozen roses for Valentines day and I think he saw them this morning as he stopped by with my son to pick up something this morning. We'll see if he says anything. Ocassionally he'll say something about me dating... and it seems to bother him.

Still
Posted By: lousygolfer Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 04:15 PM
Still:

Your still his "Plan B".

If Ho don't work out, He still has you to fall back on.

Read Bugsy's thread. When Drac is Ho-less for a week or so, he's all over Bugs with phone calls and emails.

So, its ok to be available. It OK to let him know that there is a place for him, if he wants to return and do the things that can recreate a quality marriage for you.

Or you can Plan B him.

Mortarman called it the slow turning out of the lights. You have divorced him. That extinguishs many lights. He needs to see the rest of the lights going out.

Send the Flowers to your Husband. When he THANKS his Ho for them, she will say: "What? I didn't send you flowers!" Sending them to her means nothing. She already KNOWS he cheats, so any excuse for the flowers is going to cause issues. Pay cash for the flowers. Ship them from the town that Ho lives.

Keep him out of your house. Call him one night and tell him to get here early to pick up the kid DS14, cuz your going out. Get dressed up, and GO OUT. Doesn't matter if all you do is drive for an hour and a half on the interstate, and then return. It will get back to him.

But you should be in Plan B. It hurts you too much, and he enjoys the attention.

LG
Posted By: stillhurtingnot Re: Still....My road to healing - 02/22/09 04:51 PM
LG,

Thanks for posting to me, there is always alot of wisdom in your posts.

I'm not sure if I'm even his plan B if things don't work out with her. Will have to see if that happens if they ever break up for good. And although I am standing by my vows right now it's very difficult as I get lonely and who knows if I will be there when he is ready.

He doesn't come into our house very often, usually DS16 has hockey practice and he just picks him up from there.

I always look good (if I do say so myself) when he sees me, at son's hockey game, church and around town. Sometimes he'll text me that I look good tonight or that I smell nice, although that doesn't happen very often. He was never one to compliment me.

The only thing about sending him flowers from her town is that is the town I work in so he may think they were from me first. But it is something I will think about.

I do those things dressing up nice and leaving... just drive to the mall or such. He has to drive by my house to get to his and has made comments about my not being home and such. The nights I don't have my son I make it a point to not be home when he goes to his place. He does think I may be dating, the night I went to see Fireproof with a girlfriend we had gone out to dinner before. We had been playing phonetag that day I can't remember about what but he tried calling and I didn't answer because I was with a friend. So when she got up from the table I tm him that I was out to dinner then a movie and I would call him when I got home. He tm me back a date? Didn't answer and he tm I guess so. When I called him that night he was all pissy at me. Maybe he is a little jealous, IDK.

I really don't have a whole lot of contact with him so I guess it's as plan b as it can be with kids.

Yes it still hurts, it hurts even more the times I have seen them together. And the less I see him the better it is on my psyche.

Still
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums