Girl, you have WAY more patience than I do. Love that you're looking at the positives ... birthday in the house will be fabulous! Time for a HUGE celebration!
Glad you finally got a date. You seem to be doing great!
Hi, guys! I appreicate all of the support....just got back from taking care of L's stuff...all set for school!
Those dates are not going to concer me at all! just another day...if we did special things on those days then perhaps it would trigger for me, but POWs made a point to screw them up too! So, I'll make a point to reclaim the days for me and the boys!
patience...AmI, this whole thing has taught me agreat deal on patience...what I see is it giving POWS PLENTY OF TIME TO HANG HIMSELF...I was thinking on the way back to work about witnesses and there's nothing that his lawyer can say that will make me an "unfit mother"...
I have too many things going for me...today and in the past...I just have to make the more of the time that I have left...and I have a full calendar with this board position, the kids, work, and this D...not to mention painting...
BOY, L's Dr. sure is awesome! What a hunk! Great eye candy today!
Talked to my mom too, she put some money in the mail to help with the boy's school supplies and also my boss is giving me a few dollars to help out too! So, like I said WE ARE ALL GOOD...
I know that POWS is holding back on CS to "hurt" us in some way, but he doesn't understand that we are great! My bills are paid, we have everything that we need...I have not ever had this much support in my whole life and no matter what he DOES, we have a better life now!
Okay, so who's planning the party? i want a pinata and I don't want candy in it! LMAO
WEll, let me get out of here, find some lunch and head to my Tues. meeting!
Thank you all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Hi, i called my lawyer to ask this question but i'm not sure when or if I'll get an answer...
So, here's the sitch and question:
I got a call from the mortgage company today...POWS only paid a portion of the mortgage note and they were calling to inform "us" that his check was on it's way back and the total due today...
They also mentioned that he did not return their calls, SOOOOO, I called POWS, clued him in...he said that it was taken care of...I said NO, your check is on the way back b/c it wasn't full payment! So, he asked for the number!
here's my question: I am moving into a position that will allow me to pay the full note on the 1st, verses him paying the note on the last day of the month... I'm sure that this will reflect to my advantage on the 14th in court...but that is the question...
Will this help me out?
This will mean that I can afford the note and all of my other bills regardless of POWS paying CS...
I am looking for some advise off the record on how to process with my financies...
Sorry I'm not a good one for the financial deal either. I take it that both of your names are on the mortgage? If so, then of course him not paying it and not paying in a timely manner CAN effect YOUR credit rating, which you certainly do not want to happen.
Frankly, other than a "fair" settlement of who paid what, the court (atleast in my case) doesn't care who has paid WHAT.
Now, that being said, the only advantage I could see to YOU paying this is that #1. You protect your credit. #2. IF you allow him to "be late" and then do the "good" think and pay it yourself, you show yourself to be the more responsible of the 2 of you (I know, like you need another way to show that! LOL!).
Yet, this now puts you in the position of having rescued POWS from his bad actions. If we are talking about a Sept 14th court date, you'd need to expect to have to pay July, Aug and Sept. IF you do this, then keep COPIES of your cancelled checks to show that you have paid this.
Bottom line,,,,,,,,,,, ask your lawyer for the best solid advise. Wow, what a long winded way to get to one line?! ha!
I can tell you, cancelled checks have become MY saving grace! I have checks going ALL the way back to prior to our wedding. Hard to argue with cold hard documents! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
No, don't pay the mortgage. Call the lender and let them know what's going on, see if they will make a deal with you (to add the payment onto the end of the loan or something) but don't pay it. You don't want to look like you are rolling in dough.
"Look, your honor .... no CS this month, and not only did she do just fine, she even paid MY mortgage AND paid off the car. She doesn't need CS or spousal suport .... I might be the one who needs spousal support!"
Rin- I agree with AmI. Call the mortgage co. and they are used to these types of things. They usually will work something out with you, or for you. It is better than the house go into foreclosure.
POWS= clod.
Tsk, tsk.
Well, I was just reading about your party, how about Snickers in the pinata? And how about throw a few bottles of Amaretto in there? Mmmm, fun!
Thank you PM, and Mr. W for stopping by I appreciate you doing that for me....
BUGS, in my case, the court does care who pays what...POWs is going to be responsible to me for Rental reimbursement for living in the house all this time...he will have to pay me one half of the mortgage for each month that he has lived there...
Same thing with all the bills that i am paying, and he is paying...I have more of the responsible than he does and after I pay the bills there's not much room for groceries, gas, etc. (everyday stuff)
My para has told me to keep track of the things that I have been paying so I have a long list...POWS is going to owe me a crap lot...
Not to mention, they (the lawyers) have a copy of all my financial statements, they can see that there barely any room...
yes, we are both on the mortgage...One, POWS has to provide a place to live for the kids, easiest solution is the house...I'm trying to put myself in a position where the judge will be less inclined to force the sell of the house...this is why I'm trying to move into a position where I can afford the house on just what "I" make...
My bank statement are also saving my life right now, and I save EVERY receipt that I can...more proof that I have nothing to hide...
AmI- This mortgage company will not work with you AT ALL...if POWS didn't pay the mortgage yesterday, then the house is in foreclosure today...they are not willing to work with you...totally sucks...I did ask that they be patience will us during this time and I think that she was making notes on our account...
As far as the car, the loans up, it's not like I've been trying to do this on purpose, same thing with that other loan, it's just time...
We have done without b/c we haven't gotten CS...but it's not that "horrible", if that makes any sense...my lawyer is aware of our sitch...
POWS also makes more than I do, so him asking for alimony is crazy...even my Lawyer is wondering "where" his money is going since he's having problems paying the bills and CS...
Sadmo- Snickers are my favorite...but I go crazy eating them...last Halloween I got three bags after Halloween, you know they were on sale...well, i was waking up in the middle of the night and eating them...I went through three bags by myself in no time...
SOOOO, I have not allowed myself to eat any! I CAN HANDLE the Ameratto!We just can't have Beau and Chris around...french poodles, news anchors...peeing off mountains...I don't think that we would be safe! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well, I got a call on the way to way from POWS, my babysitter's BF called him my mistake, instead of me to say that she's sick today, and he's going to have to bring her to the dr.
POWS said that if I couldn't find anyone to let him know and he would take care of it...I told him I got it! SOOOO, the kids are here with me at work...i have to go to the warehouse in a little bit so they will be taggin along...
L said "Thank you mom, for bring us to work with you!" They LOVE coming to work! I might make a call later and see if I can get someone else to watch them, it really depends on their behavior and so far so good!
Well, thank you all for your thoughts and ideas...I will be talking to my lawyer about the finacial stuff really soon...
Morning Frog...I wasn't around yesterday b/c i had the boys here with me, sitter was sick and then my boss asked if I wanted to take a half day off, and bring the boys to the movies...
Sure, so she gave us movie to go...We watched "Meet the Robinson's"...AWESOME like movies...it was good! Then, I went to the craft store and got some canvas for us to paint on...
I drew an 18 wheeler with some mountains, a road, some birds, clouds, etc. for L to paint...simply for him...F wanted to paint his toy 18-wheeler, and I drew a simply chicken for me...
So all in all we had a good day! Sneak candy into the movies! LMAO...
On the mortgage, I know that my Lawyer is going to say to pay it, but I just want to make SURE...I don't want to screw up my credit...Lord knows that I'll need it! I think that the good thing about the sitch is that the rental reimbursement will almost cancel itself out with him being in it 6 months and then us...
That's a good thing!
Oh, and I appreciate you seeing that I'm moving on...it's been pretty easy TBH...
Also, I'm proud to say that i was elected Secretary for another group I'm involved with...the duties aren't bad, we only meet every other month...
I don't want to have TOOO much on my plate that i'm no good to anyone...especially with schol and religion classes starting again! I'm very proud though...and I'm sure that this will ALL look good on a resume!!LMAO...
Which I have plans to work on today...it's up to date, except for the volunteer work...just have to reformat it, and revisit my cover letter...
I got some tips from a great sight for women...called women work...
Anyway, I appreciate the confidence...I guess things are still going as well as expected on the home front?
I just thought about it, I'm going to have to ask if PWOs is going to be responsible for some of the expenses I have incurred as a result of not being able to get into the house...ie., clothes, TV, DVD player, Toys, etc...
Boy, that would be nice! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I can tell you make sure your credit stays good at all costs.
I fell back a little on being debt free because I had to get another car for myself.
I paid cash so no payments but I ended up paying 7k for it with my trade in. I got a great deal but a little more then I wanted to spend. The reason I paid cash is our credit is still messed up some. So by the time I by something it costs so much more becuase of the interest rate.
Most eveything is coming off my credit report but it takes a longggggggg time and a lot of effort. So if you can keep it from going on it in the first place that is your best bet.
Now on all the great things going on I am happy for you but just remember in a few months you will have the responsibility of the house again.
Upkeep, fixing etc. Keep that in mind when you take this stuff on. LOL.
What do you mean sneaking candy in. I bring a back pack full of junk. Bags of Microwaved pop corn include.
5 stinking bucks for candy my little white butt. I pay 99 cents for mine.
All we bought was a drink for the three of us to share!
Well, i've got some shopping to do...got the money from my mom today and she sent double the amount..>WOOHOOOO!!!
Got to love mom's...so, I'll finish getting supplies, their uniforms, and take care of F's religion class fees...and I'll probably throw in a haircut for mom while I'm at it...this will finish out what i need to do for them!
As far as the credit thing, that's a HUGE thing for me...a have a few late payment but that's it and I would like to keep it that way...and those late payments are from [email]POWS...@ss![/email]
I could curse him so bad, but it's really a waste of energy! besides, i'd rather laugh at him anyway!
You really bring a back pack????? I might have to bring my own popcorn next time! LMAO
We stop by a store where they have candy for cheap. I get a big bad of licorice, usually red vines, some snow caps, and some mike and ikes for me, each of the boys gets 2 things then we microwave up 2 bags of popcorn and stick them in the big plastic storage bags. A couple bottles of water then in the back pack.
The late payments may not be on your credit report unless they are really late and you may get them removed from yours by saying they were his responsibility.
I had a few things come off mine simply because the creditor didn't respond in time to the Credit reporting agencies.
I know it is working because I have been getting credit card offers up the wazoo.
I am going to have to apply and get one soon but I hate having credit cards.
My Favorite!!!! I can eat two pounds by myself!!! We do stop at the store and get the cheap candy! AND, I DO let the boys get two things a piece! BOY< GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE!!!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
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The late payments may not be on your credit report unless they are really late and you may get them removed from yours by saying they were his responsibility.
I just checked it today, I think there are two accounts...how do i do that, wouldn't I have to have the settlement first???
I would wait until the D is final and all things are seperate.
If you have two late payments on YOUR credit then you can write the credit reporting agency, equifax, experian and or transunion whoever they reported to and dispute it.
I did mine online. You can go to the free anual cerdit report page and dispute them.
For late payment I got very few that responded. As long as you are in good standing now they don't care.
You can dispute by saying "this should not be posted as late on my credit because that bill is/was my ex husbands bill." Or something to the effect.
The smaller the company the more likely it is to come off.
Again they just may not even respond.
On two of mine i put "these are not mine" they came off. LOL.
I'll keep that in mind for late...I have disputed a thing or two in the past...
One was my university for a late payment on a little loan...they pulled the records and responsed on time...that sucked! This was years after I graduated!
my score is really good and It'll WILL BE GREAT when i get his bike and truck off...when we got the bike, our score dropped 100 points!!
I've worked my behind off for "OUR" credit...another benefit of "ME" being HIS wife! LMAO
Well the good thing is that when you get a D his decesions will come back to bite him.
I am waiting to refinance the wife's car. Two more things to get off before I do that.
But if it goes on his report it isn't easy to get off.
Heck it is easier to get it off when it goes to collection then just late.
The collection agencies use it as a bargaining chip to get their money. LOL.
I settled about 16k for 6k with the wording I didn't agree it was mine but paid to settle so I didn't pay the taxes on it and told them because of that I wanted it off my credit report.
My exH made about $6-7k/mo and I made $2.5k. He could not pay the mortgage, bills, and CS on his salary (he was CONSTANTLY behind and crying poor)...yet I could pay the mortgage and bills all by myself. Hmmmm.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Do not be surprised if the judge rules that POWS owes you X amount of CS and Y amount for back rent and Z amount for back expenses...but he can take the total of back rent and back expenses and divide it by 24 to pay it to you over 2 years (or something like that). Furthermore, don't be surprised if POWS actually doesn't have money (he's spending it on wine-women-and song) and even if he's ordered to give you a lump, he just doesn't have it!
Just warning you so you don't "expect" that he will actually live up to his financial obligations. So far, his financial behavior has been consistent with his past behavior and character, so to expect anything different will be setting yourself up for harm. You may win the judgement--but you may have to try to squeeze blood out of the turnip to actually get it.
Good Morning CJ, I was just thinking about you last night!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I thought about calling but didn't! ;(
Thank you for clueing me in on what not to expect...of course, i don't expect anything from him...primarily b/c I still have his threats in my head...like "I'd rather go to jail than give you anything!"
Thanks for the compliment about sounding like a new woman, i feel like one...not this morning... LMAO
I'm mad this morning...but I'll get over it...F told me that FIl got mad at ME, b/c I didn't send good clothes with them to go visit POWS's parents...
Now, POWS brought them up there, POWS packed their clothes and IT"S MY FAULT that they didn't have good clothes to go to church in!!!!
I'm not even around adn I'm still getting blamed for HIS STUFF...like I said I'll get over it! My spon. said that it'll not really that they are mad with me, but POWS...it's just easier to blame me, b/c that's his stepson...
And who wants to admit that their stepson makes horrible choices and is not the BEST person that they can be...FIl and MIL are in denial about POWS b/c I've always covered for him...
The way I see it is that they will see soon enough...their choice...MOF, FIL's b-day is this Wed. so I'm going to have the kids call and wish him a Happy Birthday, same thing with MIL's b-day on the 22nd...
I just figure it would be nice, I know thta they will love to talk to the kids...this is just me being me...regardless of the sitch with me and POWS...
Who knows, one day they may apologize to me but I'm not going to hold me breathe either!! LMAO
Oh, Motorcycle insurance is due and I was going to pay that but have come to the conclusion that I'm not...both bikes are in POWS name, I don't drive either one, nor do I have possession of them...ins. is also in his name...so if it does get cancelled that not my problem...no flags on my license!!! LMAO
So, that was an easy decision...that will also help me out this month with my goal of paying the mortgage on the first!It just helps me stay on track when we move back into the house, and we will move back into the house...POWS HAS TO PROVIDE a place for us to live...so, I'm pretty confident that we will be granted use of the home...
Oh, POWS will have a lump sum that he can give me...401K...he "can" take a loan out of "OR" close the whole thing to pay me...but once again, I know I can't expect that!
I'm doing well with the way things will work out...all just as it needs to...that's really to far in the future to try to figure out...of course, it doesn't stop me from trying...LMAO...running the number in my head...debt, assets, back CS, etc...
I am looking forward to getting POWS tax return this year!!! You know since he's behind on CS...and claiming the kids...I'm looking forward to that too!
So, I'm trying to look for the positive in this whole thing!
Like LA says "it takes as long as it takes!"
AmI, you can understand that one huh? why I'm so patience? I've learned that I can't force a solution no matter HOW BAD I WANT IT!
This judge is really TOUGH, POWS was better off with the other one that we had!!!!
CJ, I think about the story you've told me about wanting the judge to tell WH that he was bad...well, this one will in a heartbeat...he doesn't play around!!!
My Spon. is looking forward to being in court with me that day JUST to hear what the judge has to say...she's also instructed me NOT TO LOOK OR SAY ONE WORD TO POWS!!!! The only time I can look at him and it has to be directly in the eyes is when we are leaving the courtroom! Another friend will be with us that day too! So, I have my support lined up!
Or should I say my heavy weighs to keep me in line should I feel the need to react!!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well, I need to get something done today, let's seeeee!
Thank you all for your support! I really appreicate it! it really helps to keep my sanity...POWS has the kids this weekend and I have nothing on the books either...LMAO...of course, that hasn't stopped me from finding something!!!
You have a lot on your plate but are doing a wonderful job of managing it all! You Rock!
As LG would say "the Karma bus is about to arrive at POWS's stop'. Sounds like that judge will be driving the bus!!
I understand about the blame thing! Later I will post on my thread but I had an issue with DSS last night about Anger. His is directed at everyone but the person responsible for his pain - Drac. Poor baby has no idea of of to handle this.
Anyway, you are doing great! Have an awesome weekend!
I am sure your lawyer knows this but you should be garnishing his wages for support.
Now and in the future. I know men who opted for that because the ex wife would hold the check and cash it late just to say the ex husband didn't pay on time.
Ask the lawyer to make sure that it is part of the D.
Remember how I told you his actions were helping you. This may be another instance of that.
There is the positive. You will not even need to see him to get the child support. It will be taken right from his check!!!!!
AH, BUGS! I saw the bus pull up to the HN1's house a few months ago...then, I saw it cross the street...it's been sitting there for a while now! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
BC pointed that out...MOF, I drove by the house a few times this week...checking on things...trying to figure out this gut feeling that I have right now...
Doesn't look like HN1's living there, could be in the process of moving...I could call her MIL but have thought better of it...her MIL is a backstabbers too, I THINK that's why the two of them don't get along and I figure I can figure this thing out for myself...
Frog, I HAVE requested the garnishment already, my lawyer KNOWS that when we FINALLY walk into court this is one of the things that I REALLY WANT...so that's in the works...and I think that it's a justifiable request given his history of NON-payment...
You are very right indeeed Sir...MOF, your POV has helped tremeniously with me being patience...i just told my co-worker this morning that POWS has three more visitations to screw up b/f court...I actually look forward to seeing JUST WHAT HE WILL DO NOW...
Of course, I have to admit that not getting CS right now is pissing me off a little! Soon enough, things will all be straighten out...
POWS did TM me this morning wanting to know if he was getting the kids...I just TMed back a simply YES...
Of course, I would love to keep the kids and not allow them to see him but that would be me being mean and hateful...well, wanting too at least...of course, I know that would not look good on me, and I'm the one who takes the higher ground anyway...
Oh, F wrote Spon. a note this morning asking if she would pick them up from their dad's Sunday...F's thinking is if Spon. picks them up then he has a better chance of leaving with some toys that he wants...if POWS drops them off at my AUnt's then POWS will not let F take what he wants...
F will have to learn on his own...it's a shame that he feels that he has to try to control the sitch to get what he wants...this too shall pass...once we are in the house, F will not have to do this...I hope that it works out for him! poor kid! makes me just want to hug him and tell him that it will be okay...
MOF, when I told him about the new court day, he asked if I was sure that it was going to happen...I said that I wasn't and all we could do was pray that no one got sick and nothing came up for anyone...He's been ready and like me, he doesn't want to get his hopes up...
For the most part I think that him and L are doing extremely well...they have really adjusted good!
F sees SOOOO MUCH fo what POWS is doing and has done...he still loves his dad and I understnad and remember that but I can tell you that he's not happy with his dad's choices...either ask to call him or see him...just accept that it's DAD'S weekend! And I'm sure you can see why F really wants to go over there, he wants HIS stuff!
I have no doubt that this will all work out the way it should and I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO HALF THAT 401! LMAO...
I wasjust joking the other day that if POWS keep this up, his going to owe me more than Half! LMAO...
When I hear "I find for the petitioner" he will owe me my Attorney fees also! Poor thing...it's not hard for me to watch him dig his own grave these days!
I hear an engine winding up,,,,,,,quite a loud rumble,,,,,,I have to cover my ears for the noise,,,,,,sounds like it's up to about 80MPH,,,,,,DUCK! HIDE! The impact from that bus is gonna splatter POWS all over the place!!
Just sit back and wait for the smoke to clear my dear!!
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When I hear "I find for the petitioner" he will owe me my Attorney fees also! Poor thing...it's not hard for me to watch him dig his own grave these days!
You got it. Keep on making your plans. Keep on focusing on you and your kids!
That was cute! Look I'm online outside of work! Awesome!
Well, kids are at their dad's this weekend! I went garage sale shopping this morning...got a few things I needed! Can't get a whole lot of want things right now!
The real point to going was to pass out flyers to the garage sale owners asking for the leftovers...the board they I'm on is having a rummage sale in Oct. to raise money to purchase a building to house meeting...
I already have got one call to pick up stuff...so, I have to go get that and I have three or four more pickups this afternoon...
I didn't have anything to do this weekend but I sure did find a way to create something for me to do! LMAO
All for a good cause! Well, guess I'll head out and take care of this stuff!
WEll, hi, E! Got connection, WOW! THanks for popping in! Good to see you!
Well, I busted my butt yesterday collecting donations...I didn't finish until 6:30 and filled up half of a two car garage! THe Chairman of the Board said that she never thought to do what I had done. She was very happy and we have plans to do it again next weekend... I ended up making seven loads, loading and unloading by myself for six of them...but it was my baby...
WEll, I got the boys back tonight and come to finsd out my dog is now living with someone else AGAIN! So, POWS can't care for the dog, but "thinks" he can care for the kids! WOW! WHat a life, to live day in and day out in denial of reality...got to love it!
Soon, enough...37% of this D is over...I'm getting there...
WEll, I have to go read a book to the boys and get them into bed...I told tham that this was the last night that they could stay up late before school...of course, we have the weekends!
Well, I hope that everyone is doing good! Take care!
Morning! I hope that everyone is doing well, I'm having some trouble focusing on me. The kids informed me that POWS did not give my dog away but has her staying with a co-worker of his b/c he "doesn't have" the time to take care of her.
Told the kids that he's either working or very tired...So, needless to say I've been trying to figure out WHO he has her at...he brought the kids over there, and then, yesterday they visited with someone else who use to work with POWS...he's a drunk...
POWS and him brought the kids fishing...L said that he caught two fish, but the first one was too small to keep!
I'm just not having to good of a go at it today...
One thing I'm noticing lately is that you are starting to cunsume yourself with what is going on in POWS world again. Ever notice that when you live for you, you feel great, when you worry about POWS, you feel awful. It seems like every time your life becomes too peaceful you find a way to bring the drama back.
I know drama has been a part of your entire life. I know having a happy, peaceful existence is foreign to you and is taking some getting used to. Just try to recognize what you're doing to yourself everytime things get good for awhile.
I may be off base, but I really don't think so. This isn't really a 2 x 4, but more of a pattern observation. I'm good at recognizing patterns.
hi BC, Thank you for mentioning that, I was actaually wondering the same thing...thinking the same thing...
That's why I posted on it...thinking about my dog does depress me...and thinking about her makes me think of POWS, and we know where that will get me...snowball, thinking about no CS, the bills I have to pay, and on and on and on...
I don't think that you are off base at all...I can say this and correct me if I'm wrong my bad days are fewer and further apart...
I started last week with this "I'm going to get him" attitude...like catch him at something else b/c he's trying to mess with me on this bike and God knows what else and I don't have to "get him"...
It will all work out the way it's suppose too...things are just tight right now, and it's wearing on me...
I'm doing my best right now, this week I'll be really busy and that's a good thing...there are something that I know I need to stop doing b/c I was thinking that if I don't I'll become engrossed with POWS and that's so not what I want to do...
All this on the way to work this morning, the self-doubt comes back, all those emotions that I had when I left...
So, I just need to recenter and focus and that's why I posted...Thanks BC, I appreciate the observation...no 2X4...LMAO...same thing I was thinking...
MOF, I'm giving a little depressed about some others things with myself too!
What excellent cross examination that will be for POWS..Mr. POWS, you have a dog, don't you? And you've asked someone else to take care of that dog for you, isn't that correct? Isn't it a fact you asked that person to take care of your dog because you are working or too tired? How do you expect to take care of your children full time if you can't take care of a dog?
BB- See I think that's an excellent point too! And he wants the kids 7 and 7...he's crazy...I definitily will let my Attorney know...
I tell you what this dog is going to be well traveled...first she lived at the neighbors, then, went back home, and now, she's with someone else...
I would love to hear the judge say something like "Mr. POWS is this what you intend to do with your kids!"
At least they had bathes and were feed yesterday, fast food once again but they ate!!! POWS even commented that he was surprised (this to my SPonsor) that L was starting to branch out with what he wants to eat. From what I hear, L asked for something to eat and POWS was surprised that L ate that now!
I think my main problem today is self doubt, thinking that maybe my plate's too full, negative self-image that hit me Friday...I'm trying to learn how to write grants and perhaps I'm "doing" to much and not "being!"
You are learning to write grants? WOW! That is so Great and such a challenge! I know folks thru my work that do that and I know what all of this entails.
Instead of filling yourself with self doubt, you should be proud of yourself for your bravery and dedication to improving yourself and your skills! Heck, there are people that make entire careers out of writing grants and make major bucks!!
Thanks BUGS, I'm trying to teach myself and I was reading the book and started thinking "I don't know if I can do this!"
But I want to be one of the one's that gets our building for the non-profit that I have been elected to the board for...I want to help make that happen...The chairman was telling me that they have been looking for two years and can't really find anything that would help us...
So, I'm trying...that was the whole point to all that work I created for myself Sat...it was definitily too much work for one person, but I got it done...today, after work I'll be going over to help sort and price everything!
Oh, that reminds me I have to call and place an ad, I'm in charge of advertising with my board position b/c I have some experience...
Thanks again, BUGS, I'm really nervous about this grant writing...it would be SOOO much easier if I had someone with experience to help me out, give me some pointers or something...
That's what started this whole mess, My mom sent me a book on where to find them, so Friday night I went to the book store and picked up a book on how to write them...
I would love to find one to go back to school, or for improvements on the house...whatever...
Check out your local colleges or parks & rec department or whoever has these kinds of things. Ours (the local college and the parks and rec deparment both) have free or low-cost not-for-credit classes that they offer for all kinds of things, and I know I've seen grant writing come up regularly.
It's the same place where you'd find photography classes, beginning computer classes, learning how to invest, things like that. I bet a one or two-day class would really help you figure out some of the things that are throwing you off a little right now.
Grant-writing is pretty cool! Look at you just growing all over the place! Way to go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
WELL THANKS AMI! I just called and left a message with someone at our local college...I'll start there and see what I can do...
See I learn new things everyday! I was also search on the net for some local classes or something...that sure would be one heck of a job skill to have...
OH, BC, you have to become a 501(c)3 to get a grant...non profit organition...or find one who would be willing to back you up, so I guess that leaves the both of us out of the water for personal stuff! LMAO...501(c)4 is for educational grants!
I learning it's just slow...I'm the kind of persont hat just wants the meat and potatoes, skip the blah stuff and just tell me what I have to do so I can do it! LMAO
Remember the Goddess is YOU. You know you are qualified and capable. THEY would be lucky to have you in their employment. Remember, THEY are being interviewed by YOU as much as you are being interviewed by them!
Besides, who wouldn't want one of Charlie's Angels on the payroll?
Hi guys! Thanks, I called Spon. this morning and she reminded me that I don't have to give an answer right away...
It really depends on the money and I would like to have benefits...
E, you stud YOU! I would love to hear WHY you had to get a new name!
BUGS!!!! Thank you for that...great way of looking at it...
SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I did a search and I didn't find out very much info on them this morning...they appear to be a large company with offices around the nation, which is good if I wanted to move, but I don't...
I think I'm more nervous about pulling this off without my boss knowing! LMAO
Morning! Job interview was great, I declined the job...starting pay was half of what I make presently, but it was good practice...
L did an awesome job with his test this morning! LMAO...He's going to have personality problems in school! He was so cute, knew everything supre quick and he knew it was right and had attitude with it...
She would ask him to point to something and he would then flip the paper around in a circle!
We got out of testing early so, I dropped him off, and called to see if I could come by early for the interview...
I was told that I had an impressive resume! How awesome is that!!!
I also called my Laywer while I was out brought them up to daye on no CS for july or Aug, told them that the utility trailer and 4-wheeler are missing from the house, and that this weekend POWS brought the kids fishing with a friend of him (known drunk) and that they were both drinking while on the boat, in the presence of the kids!!!!!
I stopped by the house to confirm the missing stuff...I'm going to have to hire a crew to come in and clean JUST THE OUTSIDE. Of course, I didn't go inside b/c I don't have keys!
Anyway, more screw ups for POWS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Good afternoon! I was feeling a little down this morning...feeling stuck...but I'm better after hearing from my Para...
I talked to her three times today...I called this morning b/c I have been hearing that POWS is never at the house and OP have been questioning me if he lives there...
So, I called to tell her about this and see if we can find out b/c if he's not then I know two little boys who would love to live there...
Well, she called me back staing that she was sending a fax over to POWS' Attorney about CS and the house...
SHE JUST CALLS ME AGAIN...questioning which motorcycle "we" sold...b/c in POWS' interogatorties POWS states that he owns the bike in question, so she is going to bring that to my Attorney's attention right now!
This is so funny, she got a kick out of this b/c POWS JUST told his laywer that the bike was sold in 2006 but in his JUNE interrogatories HE STATES THAT HE OWNS THE BIKE!!!!!
I know that you all have to have something to say about this one! This made my day! I feel like I'm moving forward...LMAO...at least a step at a time!!!
This is so funny, she got a kick out of this b/c POWS JUST told his laywer that the bike was sold in 2006 but in his JUNE interrogatories HE STATES THAT HE OWNS THE BIKE!!!!!
He's really tightening that noose around his neck everytime he opens his mouth. Can we say BUSTED?!
I predict that a) he's either going to eventually walk away from everything and let you get a default, b) you're suddenly going to get a settlement offer in your favor, or c) his attorney is going to fire him. I'll be curious to see what happens now.
Kinda strange that he's not staying at the house. Maybe since he works night shifts, people just don't see him there during "normal" hours? And obviously the maintenance on the house is slipping, which might also make people think it's abandoned....
If you didn't have so long to wait until your court date, I'd say to just not worry about him and not care where he is living. But you're right -- if he's not there, you and the boys should be.
If you can prove that he's not staying there, maybe you can get an emergency injunction giving you the house until the hearing? But then again, isn't this hearing that keeps getting delayed supposed to be the "emergency" hearing?
Hmmmmmmm, Keep your ear to the ground, but don't get too caugh up in his stuff. And let him keep digging his own hole with the bikes, etc. He'll have given your lawyers so much ammunition by the time there's a hearing that they'll blow him completely out of the water.
Congrats on the job offer, even if you did decine it. Still feels good to know that people recognize how great you are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I predict that a) he's either going to eventually walk away from everything and let you get a default, b) you're suddenly going to get a settlement offer in your favor, or c) his attorney is going to fire him. I'll be curious to see what happens now.
I don't see him walking away from everything butyou never can tell! What exactly do you mean by this? walking away from the process of D and no doing anything, therefore, he's not fighting me...
POWS has been pretty stubborn in the whole case...big fight in the beginning, refusing anything offered to him...
And what happens if his lawyer does fire him? if he doesn't obtain another?
BUGS- LMAO...you missed it...a few posts up...I declined the job, it was less pay, had benefits but half of what I'm making now...not good, plus I didn't see a changelle there for me...I thought that it would be more boring than the job I have now! LMAO...I chalked it up to needing to have the experience for the big fish that's out there for me!
I'm still working on finding grants, grant classes, and scholarships...very frustrating I must say...tough stuff! LMAO
AmI- POWs is on days...he's been seen all over the place...the yard's unkept...under the carport and garage is a total mess IMO...
I'm no more concern about WHAT he's doing whereever he's doing it or who he's doing it with, AS LONG AS HE DOESN't have the kids with him...if he has the kids then I'm interested...otherwise, he can drink himself into a comma...mean, but that's the way I feel about him right now...
He's not bothering me, not following me, not calling me...so I'm good, I have PLENTY of things to occupy my time...
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Keep your ear to the ground, but don't get too caugh up in his stuff. And let him keep digging his own hole
I will do my best to follow your advice sweet lady!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Oh, and thanks for the advice on the classes, I'm still looking!
I've seen cases where there's a tooth and nail fight and in the end one party just gives up, fires his attorney and doesn't show. Default granted. You win.
Or his attorney has a "come to Jesus" meeting with him because of the lies and says you'll be better off settling. Ethically, his attorney can't let POWS testify if he KNOWS POWS is lying.
OTOH, if he pi**es off his attorney so much (for lying) his attorney can request to withdraw from the case. He can also withdraw if POWS quits paying him. If POWS doesn't get another attorney, he'll be pro se (representing himself) but with all the issues you guys have in your case, I don't see a favorable outcome for him if he goes that route.
If he DOES continue to the finish, he's going to be mighty embarassed by your attorney.
If he DOES continue to the finish, he's going to be mighty embarassed by your attorney.
There would be some payoff in this for me...I have to be honest, I would love to see that!
Well, thank YOU SO MUCH PM...I haven't worried about the whole thing in a very long time...I was concerned about the papaerwork, but not "winning"...
I'm really relaxed and being patience...in God's time and not mine, it was hard to figure that out! His timing is SOOO much better than mine! Soon enough...til then, I just have to keep asking the right questions...
Good Morning! It's going to be a really busy day today!
I had to stop at my mechanic's shop yesterday. Last week, i had to add some oil to my car b/c the gas light was on. Well, I checked it yesterday and it was down again. So, I picked up the boys and ran by there. So, today I have to go back adn he's going to change the oil and put a thicker weight in it. he double checked his work, and it's not leaking anymore, so it's burning it.
So, I'm getting an estimate to chenge the value gasket, and I have another problem with the ignition switch. So, an estimate on that too! I can't really talk bad about her, L calls her the "mommymobile"...TOO CUTE!!! She really didn't have a whole lot of maintaince when I was at home, just wasn't on the top of the list for POWS. Well, it's on the top of MY LIST!
So, I have that to do this afternoon, and I'm officially being elected to the board tonight, SO I'M ALL GODDRESSED UP! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LMAO
Mechanic should love that TOO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, I'll be getting home really late tonight! My aunt's going to watch the kids for me, if we didn't have one of the councilman coming tonight I would drag them with me, like I usually do, but mom needs some time to herself sometimes.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I have to admit that this whole car thing has been part of the reason why I've been feeling down! My parents were nice enough to send me some money, so that has helped out too.
POWS is in the hole $1500 for the last two months, if my family hadn't stepped up to the plate and helped me out with getting the kids stuff for school, I don't know what I would have done!
Oh, OH, OH, ....after three years of being in the same class with HN1's DD, F is FINALLY in a class by himself...he missed getting in the class with her DS too! Just my thinking, but this is going to be a good year! I still haven't heard anything about HN1 moving, if they have gone the other house, but it really doesn't matter.
I think that enough time has passed that everyone's starting to see what he's relly about! I'm hearing that he's going through his friends! It's really so sad how Waywards can screw up their lives!
Anyway, today's a good day so far and I'm going to do my best to keep it that way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Thank you ALL for your support...E, BC, let me know how you guys are doing...same thing with you, Frog!
In Texas your attorney would need to file a motion for contempt. He is in contempt because he is refusing to do something the Court ordered-- pay child support. A hearing is held on the motion for contempt and once the Judge finds him in contempt, he is ordered to pay or, explain why he can't or go to jail (right then). I don't know if Lousiana has the same process. It could be that the Judge can take it upon himself to find POWS in contempt without a motion being made. Ask your attorney about this and tell them you want it addressed at the hearing if he hasn't paid up by then. Or even better, ask them to file a motion NOW.
Oh and by the way. This is one of those scenarios where I've seen people walk away. They're so far behind in CS that they're AFRAID to appear before the Judge (not thinking that they're just making the situation 10X worse).
I'm not sure that there is a court order for CS right now .... right? Didn't he just agree to pay it?
If he just agreed that he would give you CS, and hasn't, then the most the judge can do is tell him he has to pay it -- back-order the support. Which is likely, since he already "admitted" that he should be paying it by agreeing to do so and making the first payment(s).
If you do have a court order, then I'd suggest taking it down to child support enforcement and having them go after him for you. They can get it garnished, collect the arrears, and do a lot of things that you'd have to pay your lawyer quite a bit to have him do for you. They can also filethe contempt charges -- or threaten them.
You have to have a court order, though, for any of those things to happen.
My guess is that he probably thinks he can get away with not paying since there is no order telling him he has to. And he's right -- inthe short term, he can get away with it. It will come back to bite him later on. One more thing to show his wonderful character to the judge when you guys do finally get to court.
What do you think about calling the IL's and asking them for help with school supplies, etc., since he's not helping? Maybe they could put some pressure on him to start stepping up and meeting his obligations.... ?
I didn't even think about there not being a CS order in place. I thought there was. My bad. You're right though.
About the child support enforcement, I guess it depends on where you live as to how long that would take. I live in a big city and it would take awhile. If she got her attorney to handle it with a motion (yes, more money) wouldn't it get done faster? Especially if he sets the motion for hearing at the same time as the next hearing?
If she got her attorney to handle it with a motion (yes, more money) wouldn't it get done faster? Especially if he sets the motion for hearing at the same time as the next hearing?
Yeah, I think you're right -- the attorney would be a faster way to get a judgement and contempt filing. And you're probably very right that their degree of helpfulness depends on if the CSE office there works in slow, very slow or molasses mode.
My main thought was more along the lines of long term enforcement. I think that this guy is going to be playing games for a long time to come, so a slow start might make it tolerable to have CSE be the ones dealing with getting judgeemnts, taking tax returns or siezing accounts on a long-term basis. Our CSE office is expecially good at that part of things. (Not so much on actually getting CS or back-owed ordered).
WOW, I get busy and come back to wonderful info...let's see if I address everything...
I really don't think that there's been a court order yet, since we haven't made it to court to date...his A came up with this amount and we're not happy about it...
I don't think that I can yet CSE involved to date, I think that I have to allow my A to handle the process right now...the amount that he "HAS" paid is about 300 dollars less then the standard...five months gone, two payments...
In the last letter that we got from POWS' A is said that he had once again reminded his client of the importance of paying CS...POWS told his A that he would "do his best" to pay the arrears and get current...I think that was a few weeks ago...
Things are tight but we're not hurting for anything, so I'm willing to be patience, just trying to understand the process...
I have told my A that when we DO go to court that I would like to request that CS be garnished from his checks due to his history of payment...
This is a cat and mouse game in my POV...at least right now!!!
I'm looking forward to the turn out really...I have learned to be patience and be still...I was thinking last night when was the last time that I felt anxious and I can't remember...
I can say this, I feel like my WHOLE LIFE IS DIFFERENT, like I'm a completely different person! And personally, I love it!
OH< I was also wondering and can't find it, how much in arrears b/f they go to jail?
LMAO...I remember POWS saying in the past, he would rather go to jail then give me anything, well, he can make all of his dreams come true, if that's what he wants!!!
OH< I was also wondering and can't find it, how much in arrears b/f they go to jail?
LMAO...I remember POWS saying in the past, he would rather go to jail then give me anything, well, he can make all of his dreams come true, if that's what he wants!!!
I don't think there's a set standard for how much before jail. I think jail comes into play when the payee totally ignores the judge's order even if he has the means to pay. Once you have an order you have more power.
I think if you get your attorney to address this at the hearing it will show POWS that you aren't playing around. Right now, since there's not an order in place, he can get away with not paying. However, once you guys have that hearing make it clear that you want his wages garnished. Then the only way he can avoid paying (temporarily) is to quit his job. After that, there's other means, IRS refunds, etc. In Texas if you don't pay, they can suspend any professional license you hold, including your driver's license!
I seem to recall telling Drac a while back that he should be careful what he wishes for, he just might get it all!
Reminds me of 2 songs. New one by Chris Daughtry that even says that exact line, and an old one I heard the other day by Garth Brooks, about being thankful for unanswered prayers!
He seems intent on cutting his own throat... let him! In my state, they pretty much insist that the other person's checks get garnished. You need to make sure that they do it for POWS...
He is slowly but surely digging his hole...it is amazing, isn't it??? LOL!!!
And as far as your job interview... look at is as PRACTICE... practice for future interviews...
Good Morning! Thank you all for your support! My board meeting was cancelled last night and move to this coming week.
So, i was in a hurry to pick up the kids from the sitter, b/c it was past L's bedtime. Well, I passed by the house and not a single light on, grass over grown, etc...I got SOOOOO pissed off....then, i got home and F said that he had some homework he couldn't do b/c he had to write in cursive and he doesn't know how to do that yet.
Well, we sit down and come to find out he had more thanjust that to do! I was livid!!! Told himt o pick everything up and go to bed. He had 4 1/2 hours to do it and then, he didn't copy off the board what he needed to be able to do it!
I said well, that not my problem...explained that I was extremely mad b/c he was being irresponsible and untrustworthy. Told him that I didn't feel that he was being fair to me b/c now I felt that I can't attend next weeks meeting, or I have to bring him with me. That I enjoyed going to these meeting, and that I was very angry for several reasons.
The look on his face was one about to cry, I told him how disappointed I was in him.
I have a reward system that I will be starting for the boys today, separate from each other...and I told him that he was not allowed to watch TV or even have a snack after school until his homework is completed...Also, that if I had to remove him from the sitter's and put him in aftercare (if they have one) that I would do that, so that he would be around teachers who would help him with what he needs to do!
I got mad at him this morning, again, b/c we get to the car, adn we're already running a little late. Well, mr. F doesn't have his belt on, so I sent him back in...he came to the door and asked if it was in his school bag b/c he took it off at the sitter's last night....
Well, not in there...so we left, and get to the sitter's RIGHT when the bus gets there, so he gets out of the car and straight on the bus, NO BELT...
I figure OH, WELL... if he gets in trouble for not having his belt, and shirt tucked in that's his problem...he'll have to suffer the consequences, same thing with not having his homework!!! he's in 4th this year, and if he doesn't pass the LEAP test then he fails...he just may have no suffer the consequences of his actions this year....
I had to write about the whole thing last night...this time being angry was different...I was aware that I was already mad, b/c I found out about the homework...I was angry with POWS about the house....
Then, L said something to me, and I just stopped and looked at him, asked myself, if I was mad at him too...No, so, I told him that I was angry and that it was best that he be quiet and that I wasn't mad at him!
So, after I got them in bed, I called a friend and she asked that I write a letter starting with POWS and ending with F...so, that really calmed me down...
This morning, i have to go to L's orientation...Oh, not to mention that I went to the mechanic yesterday, got the oil changed in my car, no signs of burning oil, but he put a thicker weight in it, and I have to watch it for the time being....Then, my key has been getting stuck in the ignition and not wanting to come out, so, I have to change THAT!!! Good thing he's going to work with me on the payment...
I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed this week...so much go go go go go...I'm hoping that I can slow down this weekend and relax some...I need a break...
So, this is where I am this morning...one good thing, i cancelled POWS from my cancer policy and it finally went into effect so, I have a few extra dollars on my check from now on! A little gift in the turmoil! LOL
Well, i have to get out of here in a few minutes, so let me see what I need to do here!
okay, I'm having a REALLY BAD DAY! The whole filling out school forms and not knowing what address to put, not knowing whether or not to include POWS name and all that GREAT stuff is really hitting me hard today with all of the other stuff that's going on...
I also called my Dr. about samples of my ADs, I've been off of them for a week or so, I don't remember...so I'm waiting on a call back from them about that!
my shoulders feel heavy today, I'm just down and out...so many triggers in the past week...been so busy it really hitting me hard...
Stop. Slow down. On a day like today, take care of what only NEEDS to be done (and not because you've set your own deadline!). You are NOT superwoman. What's the worse thing that will happen if you don't get "A" done, what about "B", what about "C"?
It's like my mom used to tell me when I'd get stressed about the kids when they were little (4 of them) and trying to get everything done. "Honey, that dust in your house isn't going anywhere. Those kids are. They'll be grown in a blink of an eye. Don't waste your time getting frustrated about things that won't matter in the end or that you really can't control. Just do the best you can and love those kids every day. No one's going to remember if you "got it done".
thanks guys, I just talked to the para...POWS claims that he is living at home, he will pay CS, and the motorcycle was sold in 2006...
she said that we will just have to subpona this guys and ask him to prove that it was sold to him...but that will not be at this sept. court date, this is STILL just for custody, use of the house, CS, etc.
i don't know...rock and a hard place...35 days to court...he's such a lair...out and out bas!ard...
What about driving past your house and seeing the neglect, the disuse, hit you so hard?
You know he doesn't take care of what is important.
You already know what he does and doesn't do.
You know that reality. Find out what it symbolized to you, felt in you, and trace it to the belief it's coming from.
Because your A is smart and good hearted and I know you'll tell him to include in the transition to home to ask the judge to include in the order that WS is responsible for restoring it to decent shape and set a compliance timetable.
And your A will take pictures with date and time stamps on them. And asking for a supervised walk-thru with an unassociated third-party (like one of the A's or an employee of the court). Documentation.
Just part of the process, right? Addressing what is within your power and letting the outcome go.
You just lost a little center for a moment...which is reasonable, understandable. Great to be aware of...you remain new...with old reactions...because you are still retraining your brain, aren't you?
And when you get in your center again, review that incident with F...and see what you see now...and share.
That's it...there's no being wrong or right...there's being...and you are...a feeling, thinking, believing, perceiving and viewing machine, aren't you? Me, too. We can't turn off any of what is ours, can we? Useless to try...even in distracting from our thoughts, we are choosing them...and choosing to distract from our feelings...and we have them...
You know this...so I'm reminding. Not a bad day...feeling anger is healthy...it's a healthy signal that something is crossing your boundaries...what you don't know yet, is it might well be you!
Understand the frustration...nail what expectation it's coming from...might be unreasonable...a fantasy one...which is ticking you off because when you realize it, you believe you're stupid to have it...and you're not...and that knock alone is giving you some heated anger signals.
What about driving past your house and seeing the neglect, the disuse, hit you so hard?
It hit me so hard b/c I know that he's not living there...TBH, I don't care where he is...but I care that he's a sorry human being who will not allow us to live in the house...the only time that he's there from what I understand is to pick up something or when he has the kids...
I don't consider that living there...
yes, the house and yard is a mess...it means that I will have pleaty of work to do when I get there...Thank God, not by myself...I have friends who are willing to help me out...
It's more of the same for me, me being responsible and POWS not, me handling the load and POWS not...once upon a time it didn't bother me...I enjoyed it, thought this is how I take care of him, well, it's different not...it unacceptable behavior to me...more of him not manning up...not only to caring for the yeard but caring "enough", or "at all" of his kids...
It's his words not agreeing with his actions again! THAT'S what makes me angry, extremely angry...
KNowing that it's more of the same doesn't change my reaction...it still makes me angry and I honestly feel that I'm entitled to my anger...I can be mad at myself for living in that illusion that he wasn't like that and now I see that this is the way he always been...
I was the one wishing that "as he got older he would mellow out, and do what he needed to do!" That was my fantasy, hoping and prayign for someone that I didn't have to begin with...
I was once told by an IC that I had control on the surface but POWS really had the control....
I want to lash out at him, call him out, TM him to catch him in more lies, ask him in a round about way where he's living.....BUUUTTTTT, I don't, it's me choicing not to behave like I would have...It's me not reacting to him...it's me not giving my power away...
I want alot of things, think alot of things where he's concerned...There was one friend that I wanted to call today but I chose not to b/c it would be me wanting him to do some dirt, find out where POWS is living...ME, forcing MY solution...
A waste of energy, even if I find out, it doesn't mean that I can MAKE the court move on it...get this over any faster...just the mere fact that I'm powerless in this sitch eat at my, most days I'm good with it b/c I know that God's time is better than mine and there's a GREAT reason that this is happening...
Still didn't stop the depair that I felt today...so I just sat with my feelings...I am powerless, I have done ALL that I can DO, and I have to trust that God will take care of me and the kids...
KNowing all of that still didn't help with my mood...it wasn't until I was on my way to pick up the kids when I saw a friend checking her mail by the road...I didn't know where she lived...so, after I picked up the kids, we stopped to visit her...it was great for me, just what I needed...
An while I was there I got to help her...she hada doorbell that would ring when it wanted too...well, I fixed that problem for her, and told her if she ever had any problems like that in the future to just call me, even if she just needed some help...
I enjoy doing stuff like that...LOL...You know that!!! And that simple little task made me feel sooooo much better...
I also cleaned our room and rearranged it...not clustered now...feels better...I usually do this once or twice a month...it really helps me to clean my mind too...
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Because your A is smart and good hearted and I know you'll tell him to include in the transition to home to ask the judge to include in the order that WS is responsible for restoring it to decent shape and set a compliance timetable.
LOL...I could ask WS to do that through my lawyer, doesn't mean that he would...I can see teh contempt charge right now, but I will keep that in mind...thank you!
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You just lost a little center for a moment...
I feel like it's more than a moment...since this past Tues, when I found out that POWS and the driver of the boat was drinking witht he kids present...
I REALLY REALLY want to block POWS out of my mind...I want a dark dark dark plan B in my mind with him...it's like I have started obessing on "How is HE trying to screw me now?" I feel hopeless, like I've been screaming to the world..."CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT HE"S DOING TO ME! MAKE HIM STOP!" This is why I chose not to call that friend of our's...
I wrote my second FU letter to POWS last night, I was so much better after I did...I just think that right now, there's sooo much coming AT ME...
i came home for lunch and I told SPon. that I just wanted to go to sleep andfelt that was the only way that I could shut down...
Well, i'm getting extremely sleepy, I think my eyes closed three or four times...there I go again...I'm going to bed! rest up, tomorrow's a new day...it's the heat down here...heat index 121...
Thank you for responding...I am going to answer you on the Owning your Villagers thread from your post...gonna quote you from here, over there.
Here's why I'm choosing to do that...
I see your thread filled with these marvelous posters who are your support...give you practical advice, and practice their advice. I see them knowledgeable in ways I cannot be--about the divroce process, long-term separation, and all things necessary for you right now.
My reply is more inward, a path I know better, which doesn't have a situational application. I don't want to "muck up" your thread in this way. And I fear being mocked for what I do know inside...not by these posters, but others. So I'm acting on my fear, which I repeatedly tell you NOT to do...and I'm inviting anyone here to view our posts on my thread and reply.
I also want to share how much my heart swells seeing these posters on your thread...how you support each other...this act of loving mutuality touches me greatly...and I appreciate your thread and want to honor it. I pray for all posters to know how much they ripple, affect and lift up others. From their choice to share and be shared with.
Oh, Bugs! Sweetie, I hope that you get some rest soon! I did go back and reread my post...I've been resisting urges all week...so, thank you...it's hard choices to make with every thought that pops into my mind...
Part of it's not wanting him to know that he's "affecting" me...
Still- Thank you for being here, loving and supporting me, same with you Bugs...I appreciate you!
LA- I printed your post and need some time to think things over...I can say that I did come to the same conculsion that you mentions...I think that I am in a major growth process there....
F said today int eh car on teh way home something like "I'm tire of offering my help and OP not allowing/accepting my help or when they do they are ungrateful."
I said "well, that sounds like you are building up some resentments, and there's some expectation in there." I explained about expectation, and wanting an outcome from a person that it's OUR outcome and not what the OP is capable of giving...I really shocked myself, b/c I was able to share my experience with him and I felt like I really connected to him different than ever before...
He was my equal at that point...fasinating...then, I was reading your post on Owning and I saw what I was doing, which I was just explaining what I saw that I thought F was doing!!! Strange!!!
I started my ADs again today...after like two weeks...I found that some REALLY old behaviors were settling in the past two days, unreal thoughts...so, I'm trying to face the reality that this is something I may have to do whether I like it or not...
I'm not processing life well, and I just wanted to shut down the past two days...sleep, whatever...just to get away...
I got up this morning early and did some things, then went back to sleep til 1pm...then, i had to run some errands and decided to bring the boys to the bookstore even through I didn't feel like it...I certainly didn't want to read and yesterday, I even turned the radio off b/c that was too much for me to handle...
So, when I got there the boys ran off to play and I thought well, let me see if I can handle something to inspire me...I picked up this one book, kind of 12 step related and begin to read...I feel a bit better, well, a whole lot better in comparision to before...realized some things...it was good for me...
We stayed long than we normally do and the boys were actually picked books out and reading them, well, I sat, read, and wrote some things down from this book, mostly prayers...
So, as soon as I can, feel like I can handle the reply I will post to LA's thread...
Thank you for ALLL of your tremendous support...reaching out right now has been alot of effort and not easy right now...but I'm doing it, and have to pat myself ont eh back for that...
Ours start back in school next week, can't believe the summer is over already! Are you having to drive the kids to a bus stop, or does the bus come by where you are now, too?
First week of Kindergarten ..... he's got to be so excited! How are you feeling?
Morning, I'm having to drive them across town to the sitter's to meet the buses...having to get up earlier and leave the house earlier for L's bus...
It's a hassel TBH, but soon enough! When we are back in the house, they can get on the bus at home, and we can sleep later...it's only a fifteen minute drive, but they are both at the beginning of the route...
At our house, they will be at the end...L's school is also right behind our house, so this morning, I had to go by the school to pay for L's lunches...I had to pass by the house...
I feel pretty good about L going to school, I found myself a little earlier wondering if he was okay, and thought about calling but I know that he's find...I don't remember worrying about his last Oct. when he was with POWS mom like this...
All in all, I'm still down but I came to the conculsion that, like I mentioned on LA's thread that I figured out I'm doing some grief work here...really sad, with moments of feeling okay, not happy, but okay...
L had not problems getting up and getting dressed this morning for school, now tomorrow he doesn't go, the second half of the class will go and then they will all go Wed. I truely hope that he likes his teacher, and he has a wonderful day...lunch should prove interesting for him, he doesn't eat much of anything...we've been working on it, and he has branched out but still picky...
I'm sure he'll do fine...I'm looking forward to hearing what he has to say this afternoon...
Please remind me that God does not give you more than you can handle...
My service engine light soon has been popping on and off since last week...I just got my oil changed...anyway, Thurs. I am having the ignition switch changed b/c my key likes to get stuck in it, so I figured I better do something about it before it get permanately stuck in it...
So, my mechanic is going to check this light out while it's there...now, I have almost 90k on this car, it's a 2001...I guess I really can't complain most of the stuff I've done to it has been maintainance since I've left...
I just don't feel like I'm handling things well these past few days...it sems like things are hitting me like a ton of bricks...
If you have more that 4, and a bunch of other things on the keychain, pictures, thingamabobs, etc, it will mess up your ignition. And then you have to replace the ignition switch.
The keys ground down the inside of the switch and it no longer works.
Just a suggestion...
90k on your car? What kind? I have a 2002 with 127k, and feel its just getting broken in!
I would say normally no but then not everyone listens.
IMVHO you are heaping these things on to your plate.
I would stop take a deep breath and decide on a reasonable course of action.
You are a single working mom. That is a huge responsibility. The dropping off picking up getting them ready doing homework. You know what it requires.
Then you have your Al Anon. Now a non profit board member etc.
It seems to me you can handle it all if everything goes well.
When it doesn't it becomes a strain.
I personally cannot do a lot of different things because when I get involved, I get involved. I am type A- meaning I am not a full on Type A but close enough.
I know my weeknesseseseeseses. So now I make sure not to over extend myself.
With the car it happens. I bought myself a new car had it checked out. It was fine.
3 weeks later the check engine light goes on and the catalytic converter needs replaced. 1k out the window.
I could have let it upset me but in the grand scheme of life it wasn't that big of a deal.
Try Wd40 in the lock. I spray some on my key put it in and out then wipe my key off. More wd40. I don't spray it righ into the ignition just on the key.
Do this a few time and see if it works.
I had a door that did that and it worked great.
Take it easy and pair down to the essentials until you are through with teh D.
HI! THank you all for responsing...Mr. W, I read about that in my manuel on the way home...thanks!
LG, I have exactly four keys, and don't like all those crazy things hanging, use to have more a long time ago, but separated them for that very purpose, now I have house keys and work keys...
I've spray oil on the keys once and the mechanic in the ignition once...works for a little while and then goes right back to do the same things...It's a pontiac Grand Prix by the way...good thing is that the parts were cheap, not what we thought it would be...I've got an appt. Thurs...
I'm not freaking out like I was, b/c I figured that this could be just a sense, like the O2...I was thinking at first that I've been watching my water temp gage and thinking it could be the theromsate, or the water pump, or something to do with teh radiator...I probably need to flush that out just to be safe...
but that light coming on is something with the fuel or emissions and know that O2 sense is probably about due to be changed...
Thing is I'm letting my fear get in the way right now, not that I really have a lot on my plate...I allowed my fear to grow...worst case sceneio...no car, no job, no job, no house, no house, no kids, etc...see what I mean...
I've been freaking out and I think I understand what they mean when they say a sense of well-being...well, I haven't had a sense of well-being for a few days and am JUST NOW starting to feel better...
I'm working by way back to center...I was really out in left field...I was putting my expectations on other people with teh grant-writing...that was hurting me...realized I'm doing some grieving in the process...sucking me out of center...
I have to chose what I thnk about a little better...I was talking to F about that tonight...BTW, L had a great day at school, brought home a green for conductor...so awesome...he's in bed already and F's STILLLLL doing homework...whatever he doesn't finish is his problem...
He's done nothing but homework and eat...and then, i read and explain social studies to him...boy, that was a long time ago...economics of our state and how "he" affect that's...I enjoyed talking to him about it...next time I'll do that last...of course, he didn't do what he was suppose to when he got off the bus at the sitter's again...
I've got something for him...well, thanks everyone I worked a lot of the freaking out on LA's thread...I still HAve a lot to post....LMAO...I only posted half of what I figured out...so, I'll get around to posting the rest at a later date...surprised I ahve connection tonight...
Well, I;m waiting on F, and then I'm going to bed too...It appears that my meds REALLY affect my sleeping, but I would rather have the sleeping problem than the lack of feeling well...oh, the nightmares were a side effect from withdrawal...GOT TO LOVE MODERN MEDICINE!!!
Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm around, we had a bad storm come through Monday afternoon and we lost our interest...just got fixed today before lunch!
I'm working with some backward @ss people...mom and pop...
Crazy...outside of that, I'm doing well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
i have no idea what I'm going to do about F and the call from the teacher...I'm going to have to think about it...I don't have much time either...well, I take that back I don't have to address the problem as soon as I get home...
Go chat with the teacher and see if she has any ideas. Maybe you can both come up with ways to keep him interested and reward good behavior.
We have a chart, with all priviledges listed and dependent on GPA. That's everything from bedtime to TV time to going out to playing with friends, whatever. The better the GPA, the betterthe priviledges. DS's second grade teacher is the one who implemented it with us, and it was great. Back then, it wasn't based on GPA, it was based on behavior. We all agreed on certain behaviors that he needed to do, I think there was a list of 5 or 6 for school and two or three for home .... like staying on task, talking only when he was supposed to, being respectful to the teacher, turning in assignments (they were all worded in the positive, that was a big thing that she taught us). The home ones were things like finishing his chores without being asked, doing homework, being respectful.
It was his job to get his teacher to sign off on the chart every night. And for every checkmark that he got, then his priviledges improved. Later bedtime, time to watch TV, etc. If he forgot it completely that day, then he lost all his priviledges for the day -- grounded, no TV, no friends, no phone, a bedtime earlier than little sister .... etc.
The thing was that everything was all straight forward and spelled out. Our kids both still go check the chart for what thier bedtime is that night, or how much TV they can watch.
It worked great when we were having problems with DS in 2nd grade. Maybe your teacher will have other ideas -- this is not the first kid she's ever taught who wasn't 100% attentive all the time, with his hands neatly folded in his lap. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I just started a new systems with the boys...we have a jar and they earn those little glass pebbles to put in it, once the jar is full, they can pick the reward, like a place to eat, etc. So far this is working, but I was removing pebbles for bad behavior also...
Well, got some advice from a friend with her MAster's, she teaches kids with severe behavior problems...she suggested that I stop removing the pebbles for bad behavior, and completely focus on teh positive, rewarding for any positive behavior that I can find, the least little things...
Set time limit on the homework, if it's ot done, well, it's not done, let the teacher deal with that, there are consequences that will follow...
Anyway, soon enough, they will be wanting to earn more pebbles for that good behavior, L is adjusting GREAT to it...F's was struggling but that's because I was removing so many for school related stuff...real bummer for him...
I liked reading about what you guys are doing becasue that was the first thing I noticed was it was positive, positive, positive...so, I'm going to change the rules a little...
The boys even suggested that I have a jar, since I'm trying to change my behavior, LMAO...I've earned a WHOLE pebble! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I changed up what I was doing to yesterday, usually I pick up the kids and if something has happened then I start in on the lecture in the car....didn't do it...
Thought about it, and said well, this is what you've been doing and it's not working, do something different, so I didn't say a word until after we were home...Nice calm, collected voice...I wasn't calm and collected after the call from teh teacher...old ways, had to calm myself down becasue I'm so tired of the insanity with F and school...
Well, got some information about F from my friend, since he's a tactile learner, she suggested that I write the teacher and allow him to move around in his seat...let him play with paper clips (he's good for this one!), whatever, as long as he's listening...
He's a hands on kid, if his hands are busy, then he's still...he's a realy good kid for the most part, really good. just have to find something that works...
A few years from now, I'll have plenty of gray hair from this child...LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WEll, let me get back to bed, I have a full plate today...Board meeting's tonight...I'm looking forward to it...that reminder me I have two other places I have to call about the grant writing classes before the meeting...
Also keeping an eye on our wonderful little Tropical storm Dean and how that's going, asking for prays on that one, we've had our share for awhile...love you Texas/Mexico, but you need some rain! LMAO
Just stopping by to say hi! Will catch up on your thread later, but sounds like you are keeping really busy! You'd think with school starting our lives would slow down a bit!
Have a great day & enjoy the board meeting tonight!
Morning SL! I hope that you are well! Don't you just LOVE how fast the mind is? LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Poor FROG!!! LMAO
BUGS, yeah, you would think that it would slow down but I think I'm more busy now! Homework, car repairs, work, supper, etc..
Which I dropped my car off this morning, don't you know that stupid light went off Tues at lunch and hasn't been back on...My mechanic laughed, he said the mommymobile (this is what L calls the car!) knew it was going in! LMAO...
I have my Board meeting tonight, so I won't get to see the kids until late! At least we didn't miss the bus this morning for L...but I had a co-worker pick me up from the mechanic's shop and he drove pass the house, I didn't even look...at my house or the HN's houses...
I'm proud to announce that we have 29 days to court! We're in the 20's now and that looks better when I look at it! LMAO!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
MOF, today, we have been gone from the house for 23 weeks!!! Almost six months and looking back it really doesn't seem like it's been that long, it's really been good for the most part!
My Aunt and I are planning a painting weekend with some other ladies in Oct., we're looking to stay at the Steel Magonlia Bed and Breakfast...Yes, the movie!!! Her husband is friends with the owner, so we're going to see if we can get a deal for the weekend and we'll be going in her truck...
I'm looking forward to painting the BEAUTIFUL PICTURE that they have choosen! MOF, I have it as my screen saver right now!
I have to admit that it took ALOT for me to come back to center this past time...I've wrote alot about it on LA's thread...which I need to post on...
Well, thank you all for being YOU and the wonderful support, advice, ideas, and laughs! You all have been SUCH a great help to me!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Who steals a catalytic converter? Well SL if I knew that I would have gone to them and asked for mine back. LOL.
After the fact I learned it is pretty common for the car I had. I had a mid nineties toyota 4runner. The catalytic converter has two bolts on the front and two on teh back that take about 4 minutes to get off. They focus on toyota trucks/suv's in the mid to late 90's because they are easy to get off and the cars are high enough off the ground to get them off without jacking up the car.
What is crazy is you don't know until you turn your car on then it scares the bejeebers out of you.
From what I read they are worth about 600-1000 at a recycler because of the metals that are in them.
That is my public service update.
And I guess to answer your question about who steals them, I think they are A holes becuase it was expensive getting it fixed.
What is crazy is you don't know until you turn your car on then it scares the bejeebers out of you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!
I have done that before. I ran over some tire shrapnel one morning on the way to work, and the exhaust got louder. When I started my car after work, it sounded like I was on a race track in a stock car. It scared the [email]cr@p[/email] out of me! That was not a good afternoon. The exhaust pipe disconnected from the cat, and it was LOUD. It was pretty embarrassing too. I had a Toyota Tercel; can you imagine that noise coming out of that little car?
LMAO...You guys are funny...most of the time that little light indicates the 02 sensor is bad and you can drive the car without hurting it...$343 later...my car is purring again...
I'm so excited...no weird noises and she started right up...this sensor regulates the fuel and air mixture, she was missing...
Can you tell I did some research...just a little...being JOAT (Jill of all trades) comes in handy!!! LMAO
The mechanics point was. Say the light is on because you need an o2 sensor. You decide to just leave it.
The something really goes wrong that will damage your car. You will never know.
He had me with that logic.
LG I ended up going really cheap. I ordered it online then paid someone to install it.
Instead of 900 it cost me 200.
It was louder but oh well.
And I can't go with straight pipes here. I live in So cal we have some tough smog laws and they won't even think to pass a car with no muffler and they check.
Hi, SiS! THank you very much, just got home! It was interesting...I'm in charge of advertising! Hurray! It's not something that I have a whole lot of experience in but it's something that I have done for my job and I've dealt with these people before! So, it's easy...
On the grant writing position, Thank you for that too, I'm shocked that I have no experience and they ACTUALLY wanted to talk to me! I hope that the pay is up to par to what I'm doing now...oh, the interview will be sometime in the early part of next week...
Well, i have to go check on teh kids and make sure that they are actually getting in bed! LOL
Well, I had to stop my thinking last night, on the way home we passed in front on the house, and when I do have to I usually don't look. Well, F said as we went by last night, "We passed our house!"
Well, my head flew around and I looked, POWS wasn't home, and that started me thinking all kinds of things....it was a real effort to not think about that and the three of us living where we are. Especially since I got the electricity bill yesterday and it's $189 with no one living there...he's got everything running, lights on in the garage, AC, and whatever else and HE'S not living there!
That's soooo crappy!!! POWS will be there this weekend, he suppose to get the boys...and it wasn't just that...L started coughing, breathing treatment time, so I'm having to sent that and the meds.
So, after great effort, I'm still up, it's just time for things to change...28 days remaining to court...it will be six months that POWS has been served by the time we get to court...How sucky is that?
Sounds great!! I take it you are not looking forward to it?
I have to figure out something to do this weekend...
Oh, I have to share what my mechanic said: "You know you can come around when you don't have a problem!"
LOL...I'm going to go this afternoon and pay him some...I'm so happy, my car starts right up, not hestitation, runs smooth, and when I get down on it, not horrible noise!!!! Hurray! That really cuts down on some fear, LMAO...
Tomorrow, I have some rummage sale stuff to do...collection more STUFF!!! I'm not looking forward to it, it's SOOO hot...and the humidity IS NOT HELPING!!!!
Well, I appreciate you stopping by... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well, Surprise, Surprise! I just got back from my attorney's office, they called and said that POWS's attorney just sent over a check for two months of CS!
I'm shocked and now I get to pay off the repairs on my car all at once!! So, that's a good thing!!
A little relief! I also asked about the title to my car and para said would talk to my attorney about it! There's some complications with it!
WH spotted at nice restuarant with three women, two kids, and a male! WH picked up the check for eveyone, and I was told that these people looked ratty!
So, not like me, he's downgrading!
I've got confirmation of what I thought was going on! So, be it!
Confirmation of what? That he eats lunch? You're making assumptions, girl. And it's about stuff that doesn't really matter, anyway.
Who knows what was going on. Maybe he has had a sudden conversion and belives in feeding the homeless .... Maybe the "ratty looking" people just helped him finish re-doing the inside of the house, so he was taking them to lunch to thank them .... Maybe he won the lottery, and that's why he was able to pay the CS, and take a bunch of friends out to lunch to celebrate all in the same week ....
All unlikely, but all possible. And it doesn't make a difference anyway, does it? It has nothing to do with you, or the boys.
So quit trying to figure out what's going on with him, and get your focus back on you! The you who has an interview next week for a job that you never would have even dreamed of not so long ago .... the you that just got appointed to a very cool position on a board that neded your valuable experience and contributions. The you who now gets to completely pay off the cute mechanic with the nice eyes who thinks you should come over more often -- even when there's nothing wrong with the car (I'm assuming the cute mechanic is single?).
Those are much more interesting things to think about than who went to lunch with who. Who cares about that.....
Hey, I'm back...I don't know if I can explain this and get my point across...I'm not worried about what POWS does HIMSELF...but if it affects the kids then I am...
From the way it sounds these are the people that the kids were telling me about last time they went over there...they were all drinking...
If they are ratty like this person tells me then I'm wondering if he back into drugs...he did it from time to time and this is something I will not allow if I can to affect my kids...
BIL is into drugs too...child endangerment, alcohol, and I'm thinking drugs...now I know it's hard to prove a parent unfit, and the way it stands now, i don't have to worry about the custody thing...it's just trying to protect them as much as i can...
That's all, no big deal...POWS can drink himself into a comma for all I care...
Here I am doing the best I can with what I have...moving forward and STRIVN4BETTER...
It will all work out in the long run...the bills WILL get paid, and the kids will be FINE, and I'm doing GOOD...
Better? How'd I do?
Miss U ChaCHa... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
And thank you both...not interested in mechanic...just nice eyes to look at...
Hi KA, I wanted to thank you for the story...it was great...
I saw myself...that story's worse than mine...and it was difficult to see by bits in it but there were there...thinking my story wasn't as bad as someone else's...
Just wanted to say thank you...I don't know what else I want to say...it actually made me sad...
I remember sitting in group therapy for adult children of alcoholics thinking how my situation was never that dark or abusive... Until I see in my memories that I ignored, minimized, etc. of my father's expression as blood ran down his forehead after Mom smacked him with the pancake turner while he was beating her up because breakfast wasn't on the table - all us kids sitting at the table frozen... or the times my dad and my brother got into it and my dad put his elbow through the glass shower door as he wound up to take a swing at my brother (sure took the momentum out of that swing), and I ran and hid out in the cornfields or the cars to get away from the sounds that always led to violence.
I could draw my own book. And you would probably say that yours wasn't nearly so bad... until you draw your own pictures and let someone else read it like you did here last year.
Like I told you then - the creep factor was sky high then - and no less now. Document; get the info to your attorney and go for supervised visitation by the time the dust settles on this divorce in March. You should have required drug and alcohol screening for both of you (just to show you're fair) but don't let those little boys grow up with "Brian", while you're not there to protect them; k? (It's the main reason my mother never left my dad, so she said - because she would have less control over how he treated the kids apart.
Your STBX is giving you all the info you need to set it up so you don't have to worry about this.
Did I ever recommend you read "Topie" - her story? I'll see if I can find it.
I thought about the drug testing today, asking for it and also doing it myself...THe court would have to determine supervised visitation...I will talk to my attorney and let him know what I'm thinking...
I see where your mom is coming from...I don't know who they are around, or what they are doing...and that bothers me...
POWS didn't get the opportunity to hit me, when I read the story I was trying to think about the comments and how things changed...I remember him always on me about me clothes...and wanting me to not wear a bra, but that was uncomfortable for me and I let him raise ****** about it...
He got mad with me when I stopped smoking...would let me that I needed to go smoke one...I didn't...then I remember another night that he was working nights and he told me to go home and drink a beer...I said I might, then the next morning he asked about it and I said that I didn't...
HE said and WHY not? I just said that I didn't feel like it...it was the pressure that I felt was coming from him...I got to the point years ago that I felt like he wanted me high all the time and it wasn't working for me...
Then, right after I quit, hummmm...a week or two later, we went to the park to met some friends and they were smoking, POWS declined and said that I could and I asked him if he had forgotten that I had quit...he just looked at me...
This was all way before I knew about the A...05' actually...I felt uncomfortable around people like that...POWS didn't grow up in the alcohol and drugs like I did...it wasn't until he hit college...
I learned my lessons IN college and it was a no-no for me...it wasn't something that I wanted to control my life...recreation, then it got less and less as I grew up...
POWS isn't from here, I grew up here, and we are littered with bars...alcoholism is part of life here...drinking is not something that I do often, and doesn't bother me...I've seen too many people destroy their lives...with that and drugs...I want better for me and for my kids...
I see alot of emotional, subtle remarks...and I remember some pretty damaging ones, I remember him using the kids against me once...I didn't want to leave for a hurricane and he wanted too...he said if something happen to them then it would be on my head...we left...and didn't talk about it for two days while we were gone...I was right, the hurricane didn't come our way...that was the worst fight we ever got into and I refused to do it again...and we didn't...didn't matter if we had the money to leave or not, we used bill money and I had to juggle the bills when we got back...
I was so insecure about not having the money to pay the bills that when we got any extra, I would hurry up and try to pay something off or heck just pay them because it I didn't he would spent it on some toy he wanted or create another bill or blow it on eating out...
He always had to have cash in his pocket, usually 40 dollars, and that came first, before the bills...if wasn't me saying I don't have the money to give to you this week b/c I have to pay whatever...I didn't carry any cash until the end...and I told him, well, I'm going to start...and I did, I was trying to save money to leave...didn't work...
There was another night right after he got his bonus, which he spent on his bike, and my car needed repair, where he said if you need some money just ask...I asked and he said to remind him in the morning orsomething, whatever the reason I didn't get it that night...so I did and he asked me if I really needed it, he gave it to me but was real hestitate...I started thinking that he wanted to keep us poor...
We were over our heads with bills from my POV, and he wanted to buy a camper before the end of MArch...another reason why I chose to leave when I did, I didn't want that bill...
Then, by the time I left, he had already burned my books, tried tracking my down, came to my work I don't know how many times, stood in front of me several times with his huge arms folded, just looking at me...wouldn't let me leave for a cooling off period several times...would tell me all the time that I could pack my [censored] and leave but just me...no boys...so I stayed...
I kept thinking that things would get better, I didn't get married to get Divorced, God doesn't like DIvorce, and when he cleared the table and everything went flying across the room breaking the glass and my oldest started crying at teh top of his lungs from the back room...it hit me something's not right and I started researching DV...reading everythign that I could...
it was really hard to come to terms with what COULD COME NEXT...and that was him hitting me b/c he was losing control over me, I was waking up...
But I still find myself thinkign about how much I miss him, and telling myself that it would be easier to go back...but that's just me thinking, not acting...that's where I was before reading about "Brian" and it made me sad...
I need to be reminded from time to time of the things that happened, it keeps my head screwed on straight...
Just my thinking but look at the CS, he's controlling the sitch...why not give me one month at a time...he said that he didn't have it, then all of a sudden he has it...it's the double messages again...
It's like him saying We'll go to the movie on this date and when this date comes well, he's too tired...or whatever reason he comes up with...
Alot of times I still question if this was abuse or if it's all IN MY HEAD...am "I" making it up?
It's SOOO hard to focus on me sometimes...oh, last night I prayed and prayed and prayed...just asking God to help me change my thinking...thanking him for certain people, things...Oh, I prayed so hard and then today...money from POWS...
It's confusing is what it is...I'm just doing the best I can with what I have now...living to the best of my ability...it's hard...I imagine that it will get easier with time...something I can't figure out what to do with myself, like today...I need to eat but I don't feel like it...I thought about what I might want to eat and it's just not coming to me...same thing with movies...I got home and no one was here, so I thought I'll go rent or buy some movies...couldn't find anything I wanted to watch, gave up, and came home to watch some tv and lay in bed...
At least tomorrow I'll have something to do most of the day...I'm not going to stay in this funk, I just think it's grieveing...it wasn't all bad all the time...I miss the good person...not the one telling me that our friends don't come over b/c of me...
That why for the time being I chose not to remember the good stuff...I know I can't go back but still wish for it...crazy huh?
Well, I treated myself tonight to my FIRST MANI, PEDI AND got my eyebrows done...
I've been wanting to do it and tonight was the night...I worked hard all day in the heat and sweated my hinnie off, LMAO or at least five pounds worth of it...and tomorrow we will be back at it...
Since I had the extra, I went for it...it was cool...also tlaked to my mom and she said that I should at LEAST treat myself to a mani every two weekend...I told her I may be able to swing that...
It's been a long but good day...tomorrow we have to be at a local church for two, they were having a rummage sale and we asked for their leftovers...and we're getting them...LOL...I hope they sold a large portion of it...a gym FULL of stuff...we'll be working on that stuff for a while...we're still trying to finish with the stuff that I picked up two weeks ago...
Good thing, we're not accepting any more clothes, and this church is donating ALL the clothes and shoes to another charity...WONDERFUL...that IS SOOOO time consuming...
WEll, I was reading earlier and was falling asleep so I guess I head to bed...You know that's one thing I can say that's better...when I first got here I was up until one/two in the morning and the past few weeks, I've been going to bed at 9:30/ ten o'clock...still wake up alot at night, but getting more rest now...
I guess I am starting to take better care of myself...I still have alot of stuff to work on with my thinking...like from my previous post, which I would like some insight on or at least some comments...I think that would really help...or at least would be nice...perhap some validation...
Well, good night...I'll be praying for you all...take care and thank you for everything!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well, I got the kids back, I asked for my laptop, but of course I didn't get it! Kids are well...L's getting ready for bed and F's relaxing...
I'm okay, been praying alot over the past few weeks, just asking for God's help...There was a beautiful rainbow in the sky this afternoon...it reminded me to pray...
ANd I guess give thanks...I'm tired and wearing thin...this has gone on SOO long...
I had a good weekend, worked on the rummage sale stuff, kept busy...busy is good right now...to much time on my hands isn't I don't think...
Hi, Again...I got L in bed, I went to give him his meds. and he said that dad gave him a whole tablet instead of a half, and he told his dad that mom only gives me half...
L said that he didn't tell dad again becasue it didn't want his dad to get mad at him...The bottle CLEARLY sayd 1/2 tablet twice a day...I'm sure that looks good for me too!!!
Good thing POWS didn't overdose the child...I'll document that too...Then, both of them with coughs were playing after in rained and got soaked...great judgement on POWS part!!
Oh, I looked in the meds bag and POWS sent some on my mail...there was an Dr. appt. that was rescheduled from 7/6/07 to 7/19/07...I just got it today...I guess that was the one that I rescheduled, I'm not sure...all the mail looks like it's from June and July...
These just had my name on them...guess he's opening everything with both of our names...
POWS being a POS...can't change that...
Heck, I just may end up with sole custody by the time we get there...BONUS for ME...
Well, i hopet hat everyone is well, and in a better place today then yesterday b/c This too shall pass!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
He's doing fine...one of the OD symptoms was irregaulate heartbeat, something easy I could check...it seemed normal...
I'm going to have to ask in the morning before I call my Attorney to see if this happened once or all four times...my looking in the bottle, it looks like all four times...
God is good...and I think this is the third time this is either child neglect or endangerment...
SO GLAD that the meds did not hurt L! And what's this that F didn't even get his?? GEEZ! I'd ask what is POWS thinking, but obviously he's NOT thinking!
Sounds like you had a good weekend, though, with the exception of the meds issue. Manicure, Pedicure AND eyebrows! You gotta feel GREAT!
Makes me want to ditch all this mess around me and go do that myself!!
I did have a good weekend, the med issue gave me a little strenght, I was feeling tired and thin...
Girl, You should do something for yourself with all the hard work you are doing!
You know I had been talking about getting it done, but the finances would end up screwed up, so Firday when I got CS, I promised myself that I was going to do it...went BY MYSELF...LMAO...didn't have a clue what I was suppose to do, couldn't understand the lady when she talked to me...
I think I said I was sorry three or four times...LMAO...and I do like looking at my toes! Their cute! Had to make sure that I wore my sandals today to sow them off! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Hi everyone, I picked up L and he was sleeping, put him in the car, sleeping, got home, sleeping...tried to wake him up for supper...nothing...
OCCASIONALLY, he'll do this and I just let him sleep throught the night and he's good to go...
F got ALL of his homework done tonight, I let him listen to my CD player and I helped him...he earned five pebble for his jar...one for each subject and two more...this seems to be working...
As far as me, well, I'm trying hard to focus on what I'm doing here and now...my brain keeps wanting to shift to "how many days til court"...that's too far away to be thinking about...
I have to remind myself to stay present, easier said than done...
I did get to spent a little QT time with F tonight, since he was sleeping, Spon. watched him while F and I went to the store and got him a new school bag, then we went pick up pizza...we had to wait for it to be done, so F and I watched the clouds and laughed about what we saw in them...we had a good time...
Oh, L was trying to convince me this morning that he only had to go to school three days a week...I wanted to laugh...he was really grummie, side effect of the meds...I haven't given him anymore...better to be safe than sorry...still a little concerned but only because he chose TODAY to sleep like this...
If he didn't have a history of doing this, I would be coming unglued...Well, I'm going to go try to read something and keep my mind on right now...staying present is my goal for awhile...it's what I'm struggling with the most at this time...
Wishing everyone well, hoping that something I have shared helps in some little way...the world does get brighter...opportunity are often not seen b/c they are concelled by hard work...
Patience on the interview,,,, these things can take time.
It's tough for all of the kids the first week or so to get back into the routine. The med thing probably just has a bit of an lingering effect. He should perk back up in a day or 2.
hI, bUGS! i CAN BE PATIENCE ON THE INTERVIEW, i'M COOL WITH THAT...
Sorry for the caps! At work...
Well, I called my attorney...the more I thought about my laptop, the more mad I got...I TMed POWS Sunday and said: Please give my laptop to Spon. when she comes to pick up the kids.
Of course, no response...and I didn't expect one...
So, I called my A and told the para that I have requested things from the house and he fails to response each time...kids' DVD and clothes, So I went purchase them...but I'm not doing that with my laptop...
I said that it was suppose to be a Christmas present to me, he wanted to finance it in his name and couldn't, so it's in my name, and I'm paying the bill...I said that I didn't know if that made a difference, she said that it should...
So she's going to request it through his Attorney...so we will see...he's really pissing me off!
It would not surprise me if he came back and said that it was not a Christmas present, or something like that! It's the PA behavior when I ask, let's see what he does this way...
AGH! Well, I have a noon meeting to go to! That will do me some good!
Well, I got a good call from the teacher that called last week...she said that he has improved, he still needed to work on his handwriting and she said that she could tell that I work with him at home...
So, that made me feel good...maybe, just maybe I have this thing turning in the right direction...I'll cross my fingers...OH, he got an A on his reading test...HURRAY! So, he's earned two pebbles b/f I've even seen him!!!
I've let the pissy mood go from the time I posted to now...I'm just getting tired of dealing with POWS...
I'm sure that will straighten itself out soon too...
Well, I have to go force a solution...mail merge printing problem?????
You know - compared to a year ago, you've "ungroomed" yourself to no longer be tolerant of abuse. I can't tell you how many women I've worked with in women's programs or at shelters, or covered their stories as a news reporter, who kept saying, "Oh - that's so much worse - that story - aweful - my husband/boyfriend/father/brother/whoever/whatever is no where like that. He only does......." And a year ago, you were there.
Your training is falling away. POS trained you to tolerate his way of controlling you. Never forget how you left, if you ever find yourself forgetting - IT WAS THAT BAD. He was every bit as vile as Brian. The signals were there.
You had just grown tolerant of it - so it didn't seem all that evil to you at the time.
Thank heaven you've made the strides you have. A year ago, I could not have predicted the level of mental health you have now.
Thank you for restoring my faith in my sisters! (I feel like the woman on the seashore after the tide has gone out, tossing starfish back into the water so they can survive - I can't help them all - too many come right back on the next wave.
But now I know there's one who really is not coming back voluntarily for more abuse!!
Good morning KA! Thank you very much for the compliment! Yesterday was a REALLY rough day for me...L woke up with me at 4am and we had some QT time together.
I told him that no matter who it is, if he knows that he's not suppose to take that much medicine tonot take it b/c it can really hurt you. L said "You could die!" I said that was right and it hit my heart SOOOO hard. Thechild would rather have died then make his dad mad by telling him again that it was too much medicine.
Then, I picked up them up from the sitter and we had a talk, L was kinda of sleeping...F and I were talking, he wanted to call his dad and ask for their bikes. I asked if he had asked b/c and he said that POWS said he forgot or let me think about it...So, I recalled some things for F to remember and said that was POWS way of getting out of whatever it was that needed/wanted to be done...
F said that POWS does have a lady friend he calls baby all the time...I said that I knew about her...F asked a few more questions and asked if the little girl was his stepsister...I said no, that his dad was still Med to me, and that he was committing Adultry until we were Ded...
F knew that was a sin...and for the first time in a LONG time, F got mad and expressed his feeling...Raised his voices, and said like he was talking to POWS "You won't give us our bikes, you won't let us live in the house, etc"
I honestly don't remember what all he said but he wants to "curse" his dad out w/o the bad words, but he said that he wasn't old enough to show his anger...so I talked to him about being old enough and that if he was mad with his dad then he should tell him. We talked about how I use to express my anger and how much better I have gotten...
He said that he just wanted to MAKE his dad do the right thing...I explained that you can't make anyone, do anything...
Needless to say this whole conversation just pulled at my heart, but I was happy that F was talking about it...I have an exercise that I want to do with him about his anger...
So, I was a mess when we got home, trying to figure out how I felt...I talked to SPon. and she send me to a meeting...the topic of choice was anger...GREAT!!! Well, I was sitting there, listening to everyone and I just started tearing up...my mind was rolling with thought after thought...then it hit me, I was furious!!!
Absoletely FURIOUS!!! I wanted to throw a temperture tamtram like a child who kicks and screams, or I wanted a punching bag to kick and whale on...I said I was furious about L with the medicine, and not being given things that we have requested...mad that we were being treated like this and I just went on...
My nose was stopped up, I had tears running down my neck and I had to catch my breathe several times...so I talked it all out and felt much better...
I got home and L was in bed waiting on me for his breathing treatment...but I'm out of medicine and after talking with my mom about the overdose medicine she said that he slept Monday b/c he was coming down from that high...
So, I went back and read again about the medicine, and it increase mucus production...when L got up yesterday we had to blow his nose several times, he wasn't that bad the Sunday night, and now, he's coughing again...So, I'm making him a Dr. appt. today...
Going to explain to the Dr. what POWS did and Thanks to LA, going to try to get a letter about the harmful effects of the medicine and get that to my Attorney...
I've decided that I will do my best to swap weekends will POWS whenever there is medicine involved...so that he can not give it to them...I will also talk to my Attorney about this and try to have it added to the paperwork for court, along with not being around OW...
OKay, we have an appt. for 4pm today!
Anyway, I will not allow my kids to continue being treated this way if I can help it at ALL...POWS just does not know what he just did...
I'm sure that he will lose interest in the kids here in the near future, b/c they will not fit with his lifestyle...but that's neither here nor there...
KA, I remember good and well what it was like RIGHT NOW....yesterday helped me to see alot...and I strongly feel back on track...I'm tired of playing games with him...
I passed POWS on the road on the way to pick up the kids and I looked at him...nothing else...also I've determines that I'm going to have to call the police if he shows up like he did Friday...he knew I was there...my car was in plain view and I'm just going to have to enforce my boundaries!!
So, this is where I am today...I'm standing tall and am in fight mode for my kid's safty...that medicine said seizures or death...
I know sole custody is HARD to get but the more they can tell me is NO! I would love to see supervised visitation...
It might be in your state laws, but I doubt that there is a "minimum visitation".
It's whatever the judge decides is in the best interest of the children, and that all depends on the sitch. I bet there are people with just a couple of hours a month, supervised .... and there are others with 50%. It just all depends on the facts of the case.
When both parents are in the same area, and can get kids to school, etc., then visitation is likely to be more generous than EOW. Maybe at least an additional dinner night or one weeknight overnight a week. I have seen a lot of examples based on the non-primary parent's work schedule. The general idea is that it's important for the kids to maintain a relationship with both parents.
"Minimum" could probably be down to nothing, if the facts supported it. I don't think you could get it down that low, though.
Anyone know what the minimum visitation is for the non-custodial parent?
I'm not sure about Louisiana, but in Texas the parents can work out their own schedule, OR they can go by a court-ordered schedule, OR they can adopt the standard visitation schedule which is usually EOW, one night during the week, certain holidays and then two weeks (maybe more) in the summer.
Louisiana is probably similiar. If you really have issues with POWS getting standard visitation you would have show the Court WHY it wouldn't be in the best interest of the children.
Thank you both...well, talked to the Dr., she said probably slept Monday b/c of the meds...
I do have a problem with POWS NOW...suppose to be doing EOW, one night a week...haven't set up anything for holidays, and nothing was set this summer...
This is the fourth time that he has put the kids in harms way...I'm just trying to cover all of my bases...nothing serious yet and he's got one more weekend to screw up before court!!!
Not being able to protect these boys has me wanting to control as much as I can in regards to visitation with him...I'm not out to "get" him...they need to know each other but not at the cost of the kids' well being...
I should be meeting with my Attorney in the next couple of weeks...Tomorrow is six months we're gone!!
Well, I have to go to L's open house...Oh, he's got five prescibtion that I have to pick up...upper resp., trac., and sinus infection...
See you all later...Thank you SOOO much once again!
Thank Bugs...he's still whiny...doesn't want to get ready for school in the mornings...so we're working out the kinks...
Well, I have the house to us starting today until the end of this weekend...I'm trying to figure out something for us to do this weekend, I was invited to a singles get together, but that's not my thing right now...
I'm not up for meeting single people who are looking to date and hook up and all that other stuff...I got things that I want to do/need to do before that even happens...besides, I'm still Med...
Well Six months out the house today...5 1/2 months POWS has been served...AND 22 DAYS TO COURT...
We're getting there...one day at a time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
When I felt run down, I mostly identified it as feeling let down. I had a a tape playing in the back my mind, over and over again..."It shouldn't be this way."
That created a lot of anger in me...which was like resistance inside me...brought me down, my energy low...became that unconscious hum...took a lot out of me to sustain that reaction to that phrase.
I felt really relieved when I began to hear..."It is what it is" in it's place. Or when I heard the old phrase loud enough to catch, I said, "Yeah, I know I wish it was different. It is what it is."
And you see all the great stuff...you listed them...didn't dwell in them, though. Dwell in your great stuff, Rin. Identify what voice you have repeating at the back of your mind...there may be a few...constantly feeding your feelings...
And in my warped perception, look how awesome you got to connect with your son...hear his stuff, honestly, open...because of what POWS did...
What a gift...and I know you've had a lot of QT with your boys since moving out...where you don't have POWS contradicting what you're sharing with them...lecturing...putting in his opinion a fact...and they've been sharing with you...what a gift, IMO.
Gotta tell you how huge it is that F got to state his anger, be heard, not judged or shut down...that's life changing in a boy's life. Hear, acknowledge and validate...that's what you're doing...confirm the frustration...just as you showed L his part...his power...you extended that to F, as well.
I see abundance and big changes, Rin. Smile at yourself...keep smiling until you feel it to your toes.
Btw...you inspired me to volunteer...so I found a place. I get trained in September. We'll see, eh? Very scary for me...doing it anyway. 'Cuz YOU were brave and true.
Hello, well, I can say that I feel better, I went home after picking up my watch, it's been at the jeweler's for a few months being repaired...and ate a little something and took a quick nap...
So, that tells me I need to get some more rest...being that it's just the kids and I, I will do my best to get into bed early tonight...
Bugs, I'm glad that I'm not the only one that it having that trouble right now...
PBS_ I hope that you DO inspire us ALL...I look so forward to hearing that another BS is the one with the leg up!
LA- LOL...Your welcome...COOL! About me inspiring you and you volunteeing...I believe that you have to give to get back...of course, that program stuff...LOL
I was reading your post and when I got to "shouldn't be this way"...I said to myself "IT SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY!" and then I pictured that little kid temperture tantuam again...that's what I was picturing Tues. night...
I said that we should be treated better than we are...
I'm going to have to flush the word "should"...expectations...all mine of what Should be done...so I'll have to practice "it is what it is!"
My co-worker's were talking about POWS with same OW, BTW, this pass Friday and him PICKING UP THE CHECK FOR EVERYBODY...(sorry about the caps)...when he's behind on the truck (two Months), house, and bike...
It's really hard to NOT hear about POWS...heck, even see him here lately...I almost have to question if I'm being tested by God, fortified for something coming up...I saw POWS Friday, and Monday...
I've said that it's easier for me if I don't hear about POWS...it drains me...
So, he's back with the 17 year older mother figure bus driver...Good for him!
I have forgotten things about her, her bus number, her phone number...good for me! She doesn't bother me anymore...
MOF, I was thinking on the way back to work of a little box that I had with somethings that POWS gave me when we were dating...and I'm ready to throw those things away when I get to them...a lottery ticket that he got me, two tiny little bears, one white and the other brown...the symbol of us...a paperbag with a little message on it...
As far as the boys, I have enjoyed those little moments, the teachable moments...I like your WARPED perception...I am very proud that he shared his stuff with me, it's not like him at all...
Of course, I was the peace maker at home and I'm not standing in the way now, I'm safer for both of them...I so enjoy my time with them...
I laid down with L last night and L turned over and put his back to mine...I hadn't planned to stay there, but I figured I would soak up the moment...then I fell asleep...LOL
I'm making a Dr, Appt and an Eye dr. appt for myself this coming week...I haven't been in SOOOOO long...and I really need to take care of myself...I really need to get some more rest...I'm sur ethat will help some...
I'm so excited for you...new things these days for you...triatholons, volunteering...WOOHOO...what next lady!!! Sky diving!!!????
Thank you so much...look at all the gifts I have...
I don't feel AS drained, tired, worn out, thin, as i did before my nap...
I have to chair the meeting tonight...i signed up and I am regretting it but it's where I need to be...I have to pick my topic...well, off to work some more...
i'm hoping the day flys by...it's getting rough with court so close...I've BEEN praying that nothing else happens and I'm probably using a lot of energy subconsciously thinking about that...LOL...I'm been "let down" (There you go there IT IS!!!!) so many times, and I just want it over...
wELL, I MUST BE LOOKING TIRED AND worn down b/c I came back from running errands for the company and my boss asked if I wanted to take a vacation day tomorrow...
Said that I looked run down and needed a break...so, I schedule my eye examine tomorrow and Monday my dr. appt.
She said I looked like I needed a three day weekend...I said that I was tired and needed a break...
So, tomorrow's a self care day...get the boy's off to school and then, i'll go take care of mom...
I'll let you know when I save up for the skydiving...I figure next Spring. A girlfriend of mine in Montana is going to do it with me...so it's more complicated in the scheduling.
Absolutely gonna do it, though.
Volunteering isn't a new thing with me...not a first, like the triathalon or skydiving. Something I've been away from, though, for about 11 years. Wow. That long.
AmI and Rin--you're both already doing a lot of firsts...keep your lists...know your stuff. And Rin, I love that saying, "Take the day off!" very much.
I'm excited about the day off...I really feel I need it...I'm not one to take a day off...
Well, i got some exciting news for me...my credit score went up 54 points...LMAO...that's even with POWS late payments and stuff...I look forward to it increasing more with the two things that I have paid off IF POWS doesn't screw that up and get something repoed!!!
WEll, I'm off to bed...I hada hard time focusing on the meeting tonight, so tired...and then the boys were makign some noise in the back...L chose to bite F for calling him a crybaby...had to explain to L "just b/c someone says it doesn't made it so!" and that he should have ignored it...
Then I told he "remember sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" He apologized to his brother later, when I was in the meeting...but got mad at me afterward because I wouldn't let him have a piece of candy...he didn't eat his supper...rule is noting else to ewat for the night...consequence...boy they don't like that! LMAO
Oh, and LA, I look forward to the pics!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well, We're doing well, L is getting better...I slept most of the day Friday sleeping, except for my eye dr. appt...
Today has been rough the boys have been at each other all day and I need some down time...I slept alot today too...L and I napped...we were to a potluck tonight...we didn't stay long b/c of the boys...they were interesting to say the least...
Well, now that I have them calmer, I think I can relax some...I feel like I've spent most of the day fussing them...
Okay, let me see if I can unwind... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Then I told he "remember sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!"
Rin, no reflection on you or anyone else. Matter of fact I said the same thing to my kids when they were growing up.
BUT I've come to realize that this old saying "sticks and stones..." is WRONG! We teach our children that "words will never hurt me" when they really do.
Your message to your son was right on about just because someone said it doesn't make it so, but I personally believe that this saying should be put to rest by ALL parents because it just ain't so.
Anyway, just my 2 cents about this. BTW, YOU are a GREAT mom!
Morning PM! I can tell you this, that was the first time that I have used that phrase and it didn't sit well with me...
I can't understand why we were told that as kids because I would rather that a physical injury then hear something that hurts to the core...
I do understand that words can only hurt if I allow them too, but sometimes that is hard to do...to not allow those words to hurt...
I think the best thing I can teach them IS "just becasue someone says it doesn't make it the truth!"
I REALLY appreicate the compliment...it was a rough weekend witht he two of them...one was touching the other, the other was screaming about it, then the other was saying something, then the other would get mad...ETC.
This went on ALL weekend...I was at my wits end...I would split them up for my peace of mind...then the oldest was questioning WHY the little one didn't have to do this, one saying that the little one didn't do this...then, it was the same with the little one...
I MADE IT THROUGH! So happy to be at work today!!!Shame, I have to come to work to get a vacation from the two of them...LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
This morning was better I do have to say...little one got up with no problem, got dressed and was ready...I made sure to reward him for the change in attitude...the oldest wasa little slow but it was good...we even made it to the bus stop on time! HURRAY!!!
So, I got plenty rest this weekend, only woke up twice last night! THAT WAS AWESOME!! Watched some movies, and read a little bit at one this morning! Not too bad...I have a Dr. Appt. at one today...going to ask about the new sleeping meds that are out, the non additive ones!
Well, we have 18 days and counting...moving back into the house seems like a dream...I guess I don't want to get my hopes up, so it seems unreal...I guess we will see how that goes!!
Glad you re-charged over the weekend, despite the boys being at each other. My kids go through those days, too. It can make you want to pull out your hair, but you made it through!
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I think the best thing I can teach them IS "just becasue someone says it doesn't make it the truth!"
I tell my DD and DSS this All of the time. In particular, I said it in reference to the fact that Drac has told them that we are NOT married. He did this several months ago. I told them both flat out that "just because he said it doesn't make it so" in this case. I HATED having to tell my children that their Daddy lied,,,,but I won't cover up for him in that way. I didn't open that door, he did by first having his A and then lying to his kids! Stupid Selfish WS!! UGH!
So, definately keep up the count down while maintaing a controlled amount of hope on the house. As you say, you don't want to get yourself over the top about it until it is confirmed, but it is VERY VERY likely going to happen, so allow yourself some positive thoughts and dreams for that future! You deserve it.
I'm with PM about the old cliche...to me, it was the first gaslighting I can remember.
What do you mean being called names doesn't hurt? They hurt! They really do!
What I saw was L enforcing a boundary...albeit a sixth-level one...F has the "freedom" to hurt L as much as he wants to...we all do...and F knows how much being called names hurts...without question...I would be addressing F on his license to harm...teach him how to give his opinion in statement form...not name-call...and go light on L, asking for all the steps he takes BEFORE he bites.
My middle son was a biter...I remember. I was told many times to bite him to show him how much it hurt.
I didn't.
One thing my OS learned was to bite himself enough to show the indentation and then say his brother did it. That was a mess.
lol
All those years of protecting their skin...and now they are grown and they've pierced and tattooed themselves...and I can still here their tiny voices, outraged, saying "He bit me!!"
Go figger.
Funny how the biting one turned into a talkative boy...as if he switched from using his teeth to building a vocabulary to bite with...hmmm.
You got through the rough weekend and noticed they aren't all like that...unusual...the duration...wasn't it?
HIYA BUGS!!! I understand the feeling about telling the kids what the WS says is a lie...I had to do the same thing with F the other day...MOF, I've had to say it several times come sto think about it...just b/c POWS says it, doesn't make it so...
F sees and knows...that's just ME reinforcing POWS unacceptable behavior when I'm asked about it...it's like F needs the validation also...L hasa long ways to go...learning what POWS does...but they don't need me for that...in time...they see...will continue to see what POWS does...your 2 also...
It's heart breaking for me...probably you too...to watch the kids learn but I'm not enabling POWS anymore...I'm not covering for him, I'm not playin peace maker...that is more stress than watching the kids learn about him now...
LA-My LADY!!! LMAO...I feel like singing to you this morning...LONDON BRIDGE!!! :shrugging:
LMAO...don't know why...it's just there! LMAO
Just a reminder on how much I LOVE your perception...I love what you said about L biting and F calling names...I know that L told him to stop several times before biting F...
This is something I will bring up with both on them I think...not calling each other names...but I will wait until the next time...that teachable moment...I feel that if I bought up the subject now, I would be unheared...I will talk to L about his biting...
I thought it was strange b/c this is not something that he normally does, but I guess he had enough of his brother...
My POV is that we have been in close quarter for so long that it's getting to all of us...it's time for them to have their own space again. They usually play well together...so just a little more patience with all of us...
I'm going to have to keep in mind the boundary issue...look at these things as a boundary issue for them...that will help me...b/c I didn't see it that way until you mentioned it...
It's one of those DUH!@($#@&^@#_ for me...oh, well, I'm a work in progress...a whole complete work, learning new thingies LMAO...
Thank you for opening my mind today... LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
LOL with your LMAO...because it's fun, and you tickle me...that I tickle you.
Don't need a reason...may I advise NOT a Duh moment? Rather, a "Ohyeahhuh" moment.
See, if you tell the kids to not call one another names, ya gotta stop yourself to yourself...although "Duh" may not be to you...my "Duh" was always followed with a "You idiot. What were you thinking!"...maybe yours isn't.
I know removing DJs from myself is what freed them from my life...God's design is incredible, I promise.
And my YS came up with the "ohyeahhuh" when he was little...and my DH and I have used it for a decade or so...and really like it.
I hear you on the space and believe that may be part of it...other stuff in there about their fighting...and I think it ties into using those who love us more cruelly than strangers in there...which is really important to impart that we treat our loved ones as guests, too...because that's who we really are...don't relieve our stuff by hurting others...by stating it. Let sharing do the work...
What do you think?
Mull through it...they have some stress points...with school recently restarting and F may be getting jibed about his younger brother...who knows? Might shake up the relationship for awhile...along with close quarters...not living in their home...still angry at not having all their clothes and toys and not having the room for them.
It's a jumble...many sources...focus on their choices, acknowledge they didn't choose this, that it's temporary, and what matters is your relationship with each of them, their relationship with each other...and thank them with huge hugs for their fighting because it gives you all an opportunity to be closer and you love that.
LMAO...they will certainly think that MOM HAS LOST IT! LMAO...that would be funny...me thanking them for fighting...
well, actually...thinking about it, I'm sure that in the past I have thanked them...only with sarcasm...or at least I can remember thanking POWS with sarsacm for something of that nature...IE fighting...saying something...so to honestly thanking them for fighting would be a turn of events...
I haven't used sarcasm in a long time...I remember the last time I did...I thanked him for showing his true colors...
ANyway, I look forward to sharing some stuff with them...I have a thought in mind...a little family powwow of our own...little indians in a circle...a meeting of the leaders...LMAO...a game but not...thay have indian names already and I think that it would be easier for them to share their stuff in pretend...
Counselors use puppets....I'll try indians! Create a teachable moments...talk about name calling..., etc.
Oh, LA...you get my creative thoughts flowing...LMAO...I'm looking forward to it...maybe I can have them make hats...just me thinking out loud!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Well, I just got back from my Dr. appt...everything is well, my Blood pressure has gotten back to normal being out of my old environment and they did give me something to try for sleep...
So, I'm looking forward to trying it out...this Dr. and nurse have been "friends" with us since L was born, so we were talking about the sitch and I told them about the double dose of meds. and the Dr. outright said that it was child abuse...
I mean I knew it but to hear it out loud was completely different...it was like "finally Someone says it!" To hear it was amazing...anyway, they are glad that I'm doing better...they knew of the sitch b/c of the STD testing that I went for and the nurse saw the D filed in the paper...wonderfully supportive people...
I walked out of the visit feeling good...it's little things like that, and the hugs, that make you feel really good...hearing that they will be praying for me...the world has become a different place since I left...
I value the friendships that I have IRL, and here immensely...
Well, let me get back to work... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
So glad to hear appt went well. Good to hear your BP is better! That is, you know, a testament to the positive changes you have made in your life.
The support you got there is great! My OB is like that. I won't tell you the name he called Drac when I told him what was going on! Made me laugh thru my tears when I, too, had the STD tests done.
AH, BUGS, i was just reading up on your thread...so seldom do I have any advice for you! I'm so sorry... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
We HAVE INDEED come a LONG WAY!!
I remember when POWS found out I went for the testing, he was mad, asked if I thought he should have gone years earlier...I said he had every right and should have!!! he didn't know what to say at that point! Only made HIM more mad....
I try SOOO hard not to kick myself for mot seeing things earlier...to accept that God only gives you what you can handle when you can handle it...
yeap, I have done ALOT OF GROWING since D-day...
We were so ate up with them...world revolved around them...well, MISTER(S), things have changed!!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I posted this on another thread, thought I should add it here!
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LMAO...I talked to my MIL for the first time tonight since we left...I was a little uncomfortable, not wanting to talk about POWS...
We didn't, but L did bring up being sick, and that started a conversation with her and I about POWS giving a double dose of meds...the dr. visit this past week and me letting her know that he was fine now...
She asked how it had affected him so I told her...I was just a little uncomfortable, wondering why I even mentioned the double dose...I was kicking myself, thinking "great, she'll go back and tell POWS!"
Thinking the worst really...but she may not say a word...it was just weird...B/C I WANT them in my life...thet're good people and I will miss them...I don't know maybe it will be different later on when the custody thing it over and they get to see what POWS is doing...I don't know, maybe they see now for all I know...
It's just a hard hit for me with them...a great lose...
LMAO...guess I should have wrote thaton my thread! LMAO
I was kicking myself pretty hard on this one...thinking WHY did I share this info...I was not trying to "get" anything, I do know that! In a way I still wish from time to time that it was different...I'm losing some good things here...maybe in the future I'll want different...to not have them in my life...I don't know...
As uncomfortable as it was, and I had no intention of talking to her to begin with, F asked her if she wanted to tlak to me and then vice versa...it was nice to hear her voice and just talk...
I hear you on the in-laws. If you figure out how to have a meaningful relationship without feeling as if it is a huge risk...either emotionally or in terms of intel being shared with POWS, please let me know.
I would love to have a relationship with MIL, and no matter how much I concentrate on curbing my expectations, etc....I think I'd end up feeling hurt. One way or another...ouch.
Take care of ourselves, right? (I've been reading...and reading, and reading)
Maybe we just need to be patient...let it work itself out. One day at a time.
PBS- YOU are such a goose! LMAO...Thanks for the laugh this morning! I'll be counting down the days with you! I have faith that things will work out just as they should! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Sis-I will let you know...I know that there's a thin line between hoping and expectations, but I'm hoping that once this custody thing is out of the way that we can have some type of relationship! I think that it's important for the kids to know them and the family...
They have always been very active with the kids...taking them on trips, etc. I would hate for the kids to lose that! It would be such a lost for them!
I'll let you know if I figure something out!LMAO
Definitily take care of ourselves right now! Most important! If we're not right then all the balls we are juggling will fall! I use to think that the kids came first, well, NOW I know that I have to come first! If I'm not right then they aren't right!
Well, my first night on meds to sleep was okay, woke up twice, not bad! I remember dreaming too! HOW EXCITING!!!
LMAO
Well, MIL mentioned something about F missing a shot for school, I don't think that's possible but I have to check into it. For some reason, they sent HER a letter! WHY? I'm not sure, she's five hours away!!! I have to make some calls on that one, so I can get it cleared up as soon as possible!
Good Evening Ladies and gentlemen! I hope that you are all doing well!
I have to be honest I have been feeling pretty low today...just wishing that this court date would hurry up and get here! I keep hearing about the house, the house from teh kids and Lord knows that I'm ready to go home...
To have our own space...to have some down time from them, from everyone in the house...
The mortgage company called me again today asking about this month's payment...once again I had to refer them to POWS, and said that I didn't know if they made notes on the account but asked that they please bare with us, explained about the court date and thanked them...
F was askign me about a three day weekend with their dad, apparently POWS said something to F about it...I just told F that I didn't know that their dad has not called me about having them for another day...
Oh, and I got a letter about that missing shot today and it was NOT for F it's for L...so I have to call and check on that...I just brought him for shots and they said that he was up to date, so I'm a little confused...
I'm just trying to keep it together the best that I can...trying not to think about how long we've been gone or how many days to court...trying to remind myself that I AM EXACTLY where I need to be for reasons unknown to me...
Trying to make good decisions regarding the kids, me, and paying the bills...like the mortgage for Sept...I need to talk to my lawyer about that, b/c if POWS is going to be in the house until the end of Sept. than my thinking is that he should be responsible for that month's mortgage and not me...
There's SOOO much I try NOT to think about right now, trying to focus on today and today only...I have Open House tomorrow night with no sitter, so I drag the kids with me...
I'm trying so hard to remember that I have to turn my will over to the care of God as I understand him...I was watching a movie the other night "City of ANgels" And Cage asks "Am I being punished?" ANd the other guy says you know better than that! It hit me...I really am not being punished...I wasn't thinking that lately but at one point I was...
ANd I'm SOOOO tired of F's attitude about Homework, when asked to do something like go to bed...the deep breathe...the look...
I actually thought tonight that I can't handle him...I am trying so hard to be understanding that they are going through some stuff too...but with F this is repetitive behaviourfrom previous years and I'm at my wits end about how to deal with this...not wanting to do homework, lollygagging...talking in class...the grades...not wanting to do the work...
I stopped punishing for bad behaviour like my friend with the Master's degree said and reward for positive behaviour...maybe it hasn't been long enough...I don't know...
So many things are out of wack and I'm trying to remember what I am grateful for....a roof over my head, food to eat, a great place to sleep, clothes to wear, my boys, my job, my friends, etc...
I'm trying hard to stay positive, thinking I'm almost there, just a little longer, you've made it this far, just a little longer...I can do this, I am doing this...
Today, I found myself thinking about how I would look at POWS in court...or if I passed him giving him the wing of the bird, adn I know that this stuff it not helping...so I tell myself to stop...ask myself "What are you doing?"
I've just hada really down day, even went to a meeting at lunch and didn't talk...felt I should listen adn then a member commented on me not talking so I said a few words...
I'm not in a bad place but not in a good place either...I actually thought that it could be a little depression realated to the sitch and the waiting for SOMETHING to happen...
Then, it's back to no, I'm fine, I'm exactly where I need to be and I'm sucky right now and don't have a whole lot of people to relate to...wondering if this is normal...
i want to go to sleep to get away from myself...I just went check on the kids...still up...F didn't do what he was told...not dressed...books all over the palce...so I can't get to L or my bed for that matter...
I'm worked up and I'm stressing...right now this minute that's where I am...and I'm so grateful that I'm typing this all out that I have a place I can do it too!
Today celebrates 11 months that I have been in the program of recovery and look at me...
OKay, a few deep breathes...remembering to breathe right now...let me go back and check on these boys...and calm down...
I'm going to calm down so I can think rational and not work myself up more than I am...breathing...
Morning...doing better this morning...actually dreaming when I sleep so I think that's good...I figure real soon, I'll have the kinks worked out...
Well, i walked into the bedroom again last night to check on the boys again and F had the room cleaned...I didn't even hear him move his school bag to the front of the house! I was so happy to see the floor clean...
I changed clothes and crawled into bed...F and I talked for a little while, then went to sleep...
Tonight I have to bring them with me to Open House...I was hoping to have a sitter but I don't...No big deal, I'm sure that L will be excited to see his big brother's school!
I hope that everyone is doing well...we have 16 days to go...I was thinking this morning, hopefully we won't have to wake up so early to get ready for school...the kids are tired in the afternoons...so am I for that matter, and they are in the mornings too...
Once home, we can sleep at least another 30 minutes before we have to get up...that will be a blessing in itself!
Have a great day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
FROG!!!!! I'm SOOOOO happy to hear from you! I don't get posted too much these days...
As far as F, I'm looking into getting him a tutor or something....
Had to call my Attorney this morning about POWS having the kids for the long weekend...we don't have a schedule set up yet...I get nervous every weekend the kids have to go there...
Also, I need to figure out this mortgage thing...whether to pay it or not for Sept....will ask my attorney when they call back...
I do have to say that my downs or NOT as bad as they use to be...the sleep thing is getting better so, i think that is helping BIG time...
I do have my bad moments...usually when I have to much time on my hands...but for the most part...doing OK...it just seems like time is dragging on...right now at least...
Making the best of it... doing the best that I can and trying hard to enjoy life...
Thank you...How is Mrs. Frog doing? i hope that things are still going well...
No after school program...sucks too...checking into sylvan...just got another call from the teacher about Mr. attitude...
I won't let the house go default...and STILL waiting on my Attorney to call back...I know that I've asked this question before...
LMAO...I need some closure on some of this stuff...
Yeah, meds sucked, it's like the fourth time he's put the kids in harms way...at least he's developing a pattern...LMAO...can't wait to see what happens this weekend...LMAO
I'll be praying!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Your attorney will be more familiar with your case and the specifics regarding the mortgage and it's payment.
I am not a divorce attorney.
My best guess.
Pay the mortgage and bring it up to date. Typically, late payments prompt penalties, late fees, penalty interest....all of which YOU may or will be held, at least, partially responsible for. Next...it sounds like YOU are asking for possession of the home...what better way to ask for it than to assume the cost and responsibility for payment of such home. If WH is opposed to such...you'd have a nice little argument (on top of the obvious that it's the kids home and you have custody) that you paid the mortgage ON TIME. You are also demonstrating good faith by paying something without being ordered by the corut. Then...you petition or motion includes a request for an accounting/adjustment of the September mortgage payment that YOU paid in full...despite WH being there and you not being there until such and such date.
It's a joint debt anyway...if you've got the funds you may as well pay it and see what adjustments can be made later without incurring the costs of being late.
I saw what your friend said about rewarding only. I don't know about that.
My OS was the same way attitude and no homework doing.
Now it is simple we will be getting daily reports this year. I am on top of him. If he messes up he goes to bed.
Swift and fair.
I like manual labor too. I took him to field day and made him help fixing the baseball fields. Told him if he doesn't like this kind of work he better straightne up in school.
He starts next week so we shall see.
Mrs frog is not happy. Pregnant with boy #3. Imagine that sneaking in a pregnancy to have a girl and it is a boy. LOL. She started talking about child #4 I almost fell over laughing. I will get i cut off before that happens.
Thank you Mr. W...I appreicate that...I was thinking that it would look good or in my favor if I did, but WH is being SOOO horrible right now...I appreciate that SOOOO much...thank you again!
LMAO...Frog...oh, I bet she was hot...should have taught her a lesson...well, some never learn...I'm going to figure out something with F...
Well, let me get out of here...time to go...
I am so grateful for your perpectives, very grateful!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
So sorry I was not around earlier, but some great posts came in!
Do not stress about having the occassional down day. Allow yourself to be down, and then move on. You know you can not and do not have to STAY feeling low. You have the skills to avoid going and staying low, that doesn't mean it won't happen from time to time!
I,too, am not a supporter of Only positives with my kids. A slight bit of pain/consequence worked well for me growing up. I focus MOSTLY on the positives with my kids, but they get a bit of the other as needed. Every kid is different and they grow and change, so you grow and change with them to do what works. I am not saying completely SWITCH styles, as consistency, I think, is the key. Just change the rewards/consequences as needed to adjust to their age, their actions, etc. Just my 2 cents.
Tell me what fun you have planned for YOU this long weekend!
Hi, ALL! Thanks for the feedback...Let's just say I was F's motivational coach tonight! I'm dealing with those up and down days and today I was feeling pretty strong!
I talked with the sylvan lady today...expensive yes but worth it SHOULD I need it...
Since we went to Open house and I met with ALL of his teachers...I learned about another program, 10wks...$65 for the whole program, starting soon...I'll check into it tomorrow...I motivated him when we got home, then told him about the tutoring program, I will be putting him in, and then said that if this Mon., Wed., Thurs. wasn't enough that I would enroll him in Sylan and take two more days from him, Tues, and Sat.
I talked with his teacher from last year and she talked with his primary teacher and we're ALL working together...I will be writing a note in teh morning arequesting daily behavior report b/c if I have to motivate him every day I told him that would be in the cards ALSO...
BUGS, that motivation is the pain/consequences that you were talking about...didn't bother me when I was growing up either...I haven't really been doing the old stuff that I use to b/c we are not living at home, and didn't feel like I could be the heat is on...
I refuse to allow him to use this D as an excuse...told him that would be like me saying "Oh, poor me, I'm going through a D, well, I'm not going to go to work today or take care of the kids b/c I have it SOOOO bad!"
I gave him so other options too...L got to watch the motivation in actions and was quite...caught F overguard too! Bigger impact!!!!
F did really well tonight, he earned extra pebbles for his jar...when the jar is full, he gets to pick where he would like to go like bowling or something...McDOnald's...etc...
So, first night went well! Now, I'm off to bed...took my meds. and hoping to sleep well...told the boys that I would let them sleep a little late since we got home so late...
I am really grateful for the ideas...
LMAO...oh, I don't have anything planned for this weekend...trying to converserve on money...did talk about meeting with a new friend for coffee but that's about it...
Well, let me try to get some sleep...
Thanks Still...I've missed you too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I wanted to tell you thank you again, this has been the cause of a lot of concern on my part. I had to go back and read your post again. It brought a great deal of peace and for that I am sooo grateful!
Thank you for taking your time and providing me with a guess!
have a blessed day...you certainly blessed mine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
When we took OS to the IC he said "punishment is necessary" but it should be fast and fair.
So last year I took away all electronics. IC questioned that. We talked a lot about that. I said it is two fold. He uses them too much and it is a very big reason he is not doing well in school. We went back and forth because he said it wasnt' a time frame. His big thing is kids "need" dicipline.
So now we do that. He also said go non verbal. Say very little. Your talks may be counter productive. I tried to explain to OS too but the IC said due to limited attention capacity of a 12 year old boy he didn't get much.
I would say get the tutoring and find a weekend work program for volunteers. I am sure in your area you have Habitat for Humanity. Drop him of there and let him do some manual labor. Then explain quite simply if you continue down this road you will be doing that when you get older.
Funny that you wrote in this morning...I JUST got of the phone with the tutoring program...He starts this coming Wed., one day a week, teachers all will have their Masters, 10 week program...$6.50/week sponsored through our local university...I'm excited...Mr. F will not be!!! LMAO
As far the manuel labor, that would be RIGHT up his alley...building a house...that would not be a punishment...he would eat that alive, be SOOO excited!!! That would be more of a reward for him!! he's a great worker...
I'll have to arrange my work schedule on those Weds. to provide transportation...no big deal, and if I have to I find something else to supplement that...
So, religion will be starting soon and now tutoring...Tues and Wed. are out the window for him!
Also, funny that you mention say very little..I use to say A WHOLE LOT...well, I figured out a few weeks ago that I needed to change that...he'd get in the car and I went off on him, explaining...well, I stopped, am very short with him...WELL, LMAO, I'm working on that...
So, thanks, I'll continue to work on saying little...I wish I could use electronic but we don't have those...no computer, etc...watch TV on the weekends mostly...loves outside...and if he doesn't get his work done...no outside...
The altimate punishment calling his dad and telling his dad about his behavior...HE doesn't want that to happen...once POWS broke a paddle on the child...F fears his dad...once told me that he thought his dad hated him...
I'm sure that you remember all that stuff...F would rather deal with me any day...it's figuring out what works! I'll get it...with help...from awesome people like YOU! Sharing your stuff! Thanks again!
I guess your mom's doing great too? And you? not spreading yourself too think huh? LMAO
After reading some of the things you said about F's homework attitude and that he would love to build houses, my teacher brain got whirling. F's reluctance to do homework may come from the way he learns and expresses what he learns. There are a couple of books that might help you unlock the way he approaches learning and, in turn, can help him understand how to be a more successful student.
There's a really good book titled "The Way They Learn" by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias. She is an expert in learning styles and a mom of twin boys. It's written for anyone who wants to understand how their kids learn-parents, teachers and the kids themselves.
You can probably find it at the library. Sometimes it's in the parenting books. Sometimes it's in psychology or education.
Also, there's another one called "The I.Q. Answer" by Dr. Frank Lawlis. It has action plans on what to do about low achievement, ADD, and learning disabilities. Since that is about 90% of the high school kids I teach in my program (it's an alternative program) I thought it might be useful for me to use in my classroom and with my DS15. So far, so good. I've seen an improvement in his attitude and focus. School starts again Wed. so we shall see how things go.
Dr. Lawlis' ideas are based on the newest research in brain based learning (now that we have machines that can map the brain as it is processing) and physiology-body and brain chemistry but it's written in a very practical way.
BTW-I think you are doing an amazing job with your boys.
Mom is doing great. I am thin, but I think I will just have to deal with that forever.
Price of being a parent. LOL.
Then make him do non manual labor. IE typing a letter of apology to his teacher for his behavior.
Oh and by the way if he doesn't do his work and doesnt' turn it in. Make him do it anyway. My OS missed work that the teacher wouldn't let him make up. I made him complete teh assignment.
Don't ever bring POS into it though. That removes you as the ultimate autorhity. You are the end all be all.
I tell my FWW that too. Never say I will tell your dad or ask your dad. They lose respect for you.
Once the structure is there it becomes easier for them to do it then for them not to do it and that is when you will see the results.
Well, got the call from my Attorney, POWS will have the kids this weekend and there was no response to giving me my laptop!
Para said she didn't know if they overlooked it or that was the response...I said that was the response! This is how POWS responses, by not giving an answer! At least, I haven't gotten an answer about the kids clothes, or their DVD...and now my laptop!
That was suppose to be my Christmas present two Christmas' ago!
I have determined that I will nto even try to meditate with him, we can go straight to court! Let the judge deal with him!
So far he has been true to all of his threats except burning the house down...and if he does that well, I will survive that too!
Yeah, I understand that I'm giving my power away...
I'm not really upset...okay, I guess I have to take that back b/c I just looked at my feelings list, and under mad is: irritated and frustrated...fed up with him...
I am so sure that I'm doing the right thing by D'ing him!!!
2 Weeks to go as of tomorrow...then I want to push for a trail on community property!
POWS TMed wanting the kids early, I asked what time?
So, I agreed to him picking up the kids an hour and a half early...just wrote back fine, he TMed Thank you and I didn't response...have a feeling they are going out of town...
POWS also called the mortgage company yesterday saying that he would be paying the it...SOOOOO, I'm all set to pay the next note!
I'm excited about paying it! Go Me!
So, I get a quiet three day weekend, need to figure out what to do with myself! I'm SURE I can handle it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
What are you going to do with 3 days to yourself???
Massage? Pedicure? Manicure? Read an entire book while laying on the chaise lounge, sipping a cool beverage Goddess Style?
Go shopping and just browse around as much as you want since you have no DEADLINE to be somewhere? I find it hard to do that when I don't have the kids,,,,,,,,,,,to relax completely as I am so used to having to be Somewhere at a particular time ALL of the time! he he!
Hi, BUGS! Well, I started out yesterday by going to the library and renting some movies, and reading up on divorce law. Then, I went to the bookstore and read for a little while, a frind called and I talked to her for a few minutes.
Then, Chili's was right there, so I walked there and got some Southwestern eggrolls, one of my favorites...Then, I came home and another friend called to see what I was up too...
Sounds like she wanted to get out of the house, so I picked her up and we went to IHOP and talked forever...She wanted to see where I lived so we drove my the house, and went to see where our rummage sale was going to be...finally got a building!!! HURRAY!!!
Then I came home, watched some of the movie, until Spon., and her H came home...we got to talking and needed some boxes for the rummage sale stuff...so I left the house at midnight to get some boxes, came home, watched some more of the movie, and was getting tired...so, I took my med., and went to sleep about 1:30.
LOL, got up at 11:30 today...called SPon. to see what she was up to, so she came back to the house, we loaded boxes in her car, and went to work on rummage sale stuff at the garage, finished there and went to the other building where thigns are being dropped off at...
Got some of that stuff sorted and labels...and just got home...it's been great!!! I'm going to go lay down for awhile to cool down...I wanted to go back to the library and read up on the law some more...guess I'll get around to it...no big deal...I still have movies to watch...could read some...converserving money the best I can right now...
My friend that I were eat with said she heard that they were going to have A HUGE SALE of they clearance racks soon, and that she would be calling me with that, so I'm waiting on the shopping thing for the time being...told her I was getting tired of the shirts that I have...
No POWS at the house last night, so my gut says that they are all visiting the in-laws and that makes me feel really good...I know that they will be fine there!!
So, life is good...next weekend I'm going to take them swimming at another friends house, huge pool, and she said that we didn't even have to tell them that we were there, so I'm looking forward to that too!
Well, let me go rest, we did ALOT today, the stuff is more managable now! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Thank for asking...guess we'll see what tomorrow brings!!
Good Morning! I hope that everyone had agreat long weekend!
I have a question and I'm not sure that anyone can answer it here...
F came home last night adn informed me that the last time that he was at/with POWS that he met his "lady friend"...and then, F said that he thinks that his dad has other kids...OUCH!
The other kids are interracial...
Of course, I don't think that being around new OW is in the best interest of the kids for apparent reasons...this is confusing to F...F did say that she was very nice...I didn't say anything...I didn't know WHAT to say...so I left it alone...
We have already talked about how POWS is committing Adultry and that it's a sin...he understands that...
I guess my question is how can I protect the kids from this...I know that there is a clause that I can put into the custody paperwork about NO overnights, but what about days?
I documented the conversation with F and have faxed all of my documention to my Attonrey this morning...
Ouch is right! Poor kid, thinking that he had siblings he didn't even know about .... I bet that one stung. Did he ask his dad if they were dad's kids? I imagine it hurts to think that some other kid might get the dad time that he's missing out on.
I think that it's difficult to get even the "no overnights" clause, unless the other party agrees to it somehow (and frankly, I don't see your STBX being very eager to agree to that, unless it's to make him look better in front of the court). I think it's even less likely to get an order like that to have any sticking power past when the D is final.
I also think that if he did agree to it, he might try to use that agreement to bite back at you -- I can just picture claims of you "living with sponsor's H." Which would techically be true, so then how do you word the agreement so some overnights are ok, and some are not. Pretty confusing and convoluted, and courts don't like confusing and convoluted.
As for him not even exposing the kids to OW's during the day .... that would be almost impossible to enforce or monitor. So I can't imagine a court getting too excited about entering an order like that unless you could name a specific person and make a case for why she's a threat.
Plus, if you did get the order, then you're in a situation of having to monitor and prove who he's in contact with, who's spending the night, etc. So there you go having to get all entangled in his life again. And can't you imagine his defense? "No, your honor, this person is just a friend. I'm not even allowed to have friends now, while I'm going through this terribly painful divorce?" "No, your honor, she didn't spend the night. The kids just misunderstood. She left right after they went to bed."
So, even if you could get such an order, I think it would be very difficult to enforce, especially given his demonstrated penchant for ignoring the rules or agreements.
That doesn't mean you can't ask for it. Asking for it in your upcoming hearing might at least give you the opportunity to bring up that he's introducing the kids to other women ... which probably won't look good.
But unless he agrees to the no opposite sex overnights, I'm not sure it's very likely that you'll get it. Of course that would depend a lot on your state law, but I think, in general, the courts don't like to get involved in orders like that specifically because of how difficult they are to prove and enforce. And they also aren't usually very interested in getting involved in his personal life -- it's not against the law for him to date, and a lot of people might not even consider it immoral since you guys are separated and working on a D. (Obviously we all know better, but I kinda doubt that the judge in your case will be a regular around here).
Isn't PM a lawyer in your state? She might have better knowledge about how courts down there typically rule.
I wish I knew what to tell you. Obviously, I'm struggling with this myself.
I think AmI makes some really good points. Even if you can get a legal order prohibiting contact, will he pay any attention to it? And if he doesn't, how can it be enforced? Is it worth the conflict that would inevitably result? I'm afraid that this kind of thing may be one of the unfortunate realities of divorce.
Smiley, I agree with you and AMi...he won't even follow the TRO...
In the last few weeks I've seen him several times and there's nothing I can do about it unless he does something TO ME...
It's like a child walking right up to the line, teasing you, then backing up...today he did it again...i saw him and OW...he aprked RIGHT behind me and there's ntohign I can do...
When i encounter him...I feel like he's doing these things on purpose to get me to react...i feel like the victim all over again...and i can't make him stop doing what he's doing...
then I feel like I can't post some of the things that's happened b/c he MIGHT be reading...
Then I wonder am I DJing or like someone asked me...is it really DJing when there been a pattern?
You have an order of protection. If he's violating it, then call it in. Boundary and enforcement.
He might be doing things on purpose, to get a rise out of you. Then again, he might not. It doesn't really matter what his motives are, does it? His motives, his actions are his. You determine if you're going to be a victm -- not him. You control your actions, that's not being a victm. If he's intimidating you or following you around, and you call the cops every single time, instead of slinking off like a victm .... it's going to start looking very bad for him. If he's calling or txt'ing and you just don't respond at all, then you're no victm. You are choosing your own actions. If you cut off your cell completely, change the number and tell him he has to talk to sponsor if he needs anything from you -- then he can't get to you as much. Get the boys their own pre-paid phone that he can contact them on, then you don't have to deal with it.
Whatever he's doing, you don't have to be involved. Doesn't matter what his motives are. You remove yourself from his drama. You aren't invovled and don't care about his life.
A while back, I think it as Frog who pointed out that you start slipping when you get too wrapped up in what he's doing, what's going on with him. Think it's time to re-focus on you and what you're accomplishing and what's going on with you again?
I called the police...nothing they can do unless he does something to me b/c the TRO is so general...
I guess at least a report was made...in public...hard to prove...even at the sitter's...not doing anything to me...is what they said...same place same time...
After talking to them, that's when I admitted/felt that I was powerless...felt like the victim...can't make him stop...
i was just so shaken up that he had the balls...
I removed myself...came back to work but was shaking...
Just wanted to let you know you are doing great. As far as what POWS is doing with the contact....What wording is used in your RO regarding contact? Mine has a box that is checked that says WH cannot contact me in any way through any medium. Basically he is forbidden from contacting me in any way, except through e-mail in an emergency (that was written in by my lawyer to cover contact for my daughter). IMHO any violation of this would be a violation of the order. I would document what he is doing and go to your local dept and speak to a detective, not a street cop. They will have a better idea about what is considered a violation of the restraining order.
As far as OW goes, I got WH to agree to a clause in our parenting plan that says that WH and I will not introduce DD2 to any SO's without the others consent. This covers any situation that may pop up, and limits contact of any sort with OW unless I agree to it. How enforceable it is I don't know. I know that if I did have to go back to court it would not look good to a judge if WH agreed to do something and then violated it. Just a thought.
I know you can do this. You are so close to the end. Keep fighting. Just think of how happy you will be when this is all over and you have custody of the boys and you are celebrating Christmas with them in your house. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I've been trying all day to get on the site and just now did at home! {{{RIN}}}
Sister, I feel your pain!! Big hugs from me. Allow yourself a good cry if needed, it's ok sometimes.
You said,
Quote
i feel like the victim all over again...and i can't make him stop doing what he's doing...
Where's that Charlies' Angel Attitude I so love? I KNOW it's easy to slip into this. But you are better than that NOW! That's the old Rin. You are the new high powered Rin and are no longer a victim! You know it as well as anyone, just remember it now.
He's playing games like a child. Treat him like one. Remember that little boy that always bugged you to get your attention??
Not worth your time or energy. Hang in there.
I have to take DD to gymnastics, but will ck back with you later!!
My TRO says: A preliminary injucntion should not herein prohibiting defenant, POWS, his agents, employees and all OP, firms, or corporations acting or claiming to act in his behalf from contacting, threatening, harassing, annoying, and abusing petitioner at her residence, place of employment, or any other place petitioner may be visiting, in any manner whatsever...
That's it! THe sheriff here is pretty slack on these rules because he's a known wife beater...has been in office for YEARS...MOF, he's running for Parish president...until there's another sheriff in office, there's not much hope...
It sucks is what it does!!!
As far as the clause, I know that my uncle had something in his paperwork that said he couldn't visit with OW unless they were married around the kids...then, the standard is overnight...
I'm fine with that...I have nothing to hide and I don't plan to have every Tom, [censored], and Harry in and out of the house, when I decide to start dating...I've got some pretty clear ideas about who, how and when I want the kids to meet whomever...I can't go around exposing my kids to people that may not be sticking around...
I can say that bring the boys out was EXACTLY what I needed ! I did see another nieghbor there with his little boy...I said hello, how are you doing? He said that he saw the boys the other day, then I excused myself, claiming I was working all day and needed to sit down...
There were several teachers from L's school...it was fundraiser night, and I had no intentions of going b/c of money but that changed...I had an angel on my side to help me out...
It was great to get out, it really was...all I thought about was getting more tickets and watching the boys play...not to mention, eating that horrible pizza...now that such be against the law!!
TBH, OW didn't bother me...it was the fact...I saw her with him today...I went in somewhere and he parked his truck right Here!!! NOT more than TWO parking places from me...out of a thousand parking spots...he parks next to my car...it seems so silly how I reacted...I was shaking my the time that I got to work and I did see him and her...
It's the intimidation from the past and it seems like here lately, he's doing it more and more...this isn't the first time...the babysitter thing...cop said I wouldn't have been able to do anything about that either...
Seems to me like I could have but no...so what good is calling the cops...I could be dead, dieing before they would get involved...
I sincerely hope that with time my reaction to him will fade...I know that I'm tense with the upcoming court date...I've been watching my rearview mirror, side mirrors...watching for his truck on the road...it's that hyperviligance that has saved me more than once in my life...
F announced to me that POWs said that if POWs doesn't get the house then he's going to buy a camper and live in that!!! Boy his world is fogged over..for someone who can't pay the house note on time, and has been repeatedly behind on the truck and bike, not to mention CS...
he's sick, really sick...I just think it's a shame that he isn't aware of himself, and jumped into another relationship so quickly...I feel sorry for OW too...she has no clue...and I'll be the last one to inform her...that's a mistake that she'll ahve to learn on her own as well as any OW he sees...
I ahve got to work on him not scaring me...or at least me scaring me when I see him...I'm so nervouse about this date and the threats that he HAS made in the past...
I've just got to work on that, I ahve to, I can't continue to react to him that way...I mean he doesn't know that he's doing it to me but I know and that has to change...
There are days like today...where I get shaken up and think it would be easier to go back but then I know that it wouldn't...
My mom kept going back, time and time again, for this reason. I can't tell you how heartbroken we were as kids to think that we were safe, even if for a short period, and then have to go back when she got too scared to keep us all safe anymore. Rin, your kids deserve to live in a home safe from fear like this. Have you thought about moving away somewhere that you would feel safe?
No, TBH, He's the outsider, no familt here...just work...ALL of my family is here on my mom's side...
Ears, I wouldn't go back...I wouldn't but it doesn't stop me from thinking that...from time to time...I want better and I think if I just keep pushing on, one day at a time, I'll get there...overcome my fear...just as I did when I left...
That was the hardest part...
I see him getting bored down the line and moving on...well, I guess that's hoping...he's fighting me hard for this custody...and has not a leg to stand on...I knew that was going to happen...
I got out for so many reasons and it's so ahrd to have days like today when I've come so far...I went walk outside a little while ago and can remember having the same violent reaction when I had to deal with my SD while I was in college...I got past that...I'll get past this too...
I want SOOO much more and (here I go tearing up again) know that it's out there...if I identify why I chose POWs in the first place...if I work on myself...figure things out...pay attention to my red flags down the road...not give myself away...
I've got to do better...the way I see it I don't have a choice in the matter because I do want the boys to learn that's not the way someone is treated...they deserve better...
My head's in the right place...it's my emotions that react so crazy to him...I've broken the control and got away but not completely I think...I guess I just need time...
OKay Frog: 5 things I'm thankful for today:
1. Of course, my boys 2. My Sponsor 3. You guys 4. My trial contacts...lol 5. Access to the internet
5 Good things:
1. I guess I got to bring the boys to eat and play 2. Sleep, not matter how little it is 3. F doing all of his homework 4. F's tutor is a friend, well almost...but that's exciting to me...I can talk to her... 5. L doing extremely well in school
Okay, that wasn't as easy today as it was the other day...
Ears, thank you for sharing that... I appreciate it...I'm doing the best I can to gather my strenght...it's low right now but I'll get there...it'll get better...I've got God on my side...
How do you go months without running into him and then five times in two weeks maybe two and a half...what is that? Crazy, is what it is!!!
morning! I'm feeling a little better today...I was talking to a friend who is on the same AD's that I'm on and I was telling her about how I feel and she suggested that I call my Dr. and ask him to up my meds...
I have to admit that as a result of this D, the tension in my life has decreased but the stress of the D and upcoming court date has increased...
She suggested that I do that now and have the opportunity to adjust before we move back home...right now I'm on the minimum dose...
we were talking about my sleeping and how I feel that my mind races at night, that when she put two and two together...the sleeping meds are not helping...so I have to call my other Dr. back and see about something else...
I noticed I was reacting well to things but that has changed...since it's a non-addictive med, I don't see how it could hurt to try!
9 days to go ladies and gentlemen...I pray that you would all pray that nothing postpones this date and the kids and I are granted use of the home...MAINLY, NOTHING HAPPENS TO THIS COURT DATE...six and a half months is long enough...
I was a mess before he walked into the door...crying...just thinking about what I was going to tell him...
I felt HE ACTUALLY LISTENED this time...so he doubled the dose of my ADs, and gave me something strong to sleep...
B/c I was crying he checked my ears, throat, and chest...I have a history of broncoitis(???)...I thinks that kinda of funny now...i didn't stop crying until after I got back to work...
Even at the drug store, i left my sunglasses on...
just thought you guys would be interested...8 days to go! Hurray!
Glad you got to the Dr & are adjusting the meds. You may find you only need the extra dose to help get you through the court date. You know best how you feel.
I understand the crying jags,,,,, sometimes they seem impossible to stop, don't they?
Think back over the last several months, what are one or two things that really seemed to help soothe and strengthen you at the worst of times? Whatever you can think of, do it.
You have 8 days to go. Seems short in number, but will feel like an enternity I am sure! Do whatever you can do to boost yourself and strengthen yourself during this next week. Remember, you are an armor plated warrior!!!
Hang in there baby,,,, the end of the tunnel is near!
Morning BUGS! Thank you for stopping by...so many newbies I don't get a whole lot of posters these days...
I found out that the sleeping med. that Dr. gave me are highly addictives so I'm choosing NOT to take them at all...
That's very scary to me...so I'm going to see how the double dose on the ADs go...I feel better this morning but I heard some info from F that I came straight into the office, typed up, and faxed to my Attorney...
Last weekend was POWS, well, he brought the kids to MIL's, didn't stick around long, and went to met his Lady friend in another city...then picked up the kids and brought them home!
Then, the week that the kids spend at MIL, POWS picked them up on the Friday and went to his brother's house....WHERE his "lady friend" is suppose to be living...well, when the kids woke up, BOTH MORNINGS, his dad was in the bedroom with the lady friend...
F also explained why he thought his dad has other kids too! POWS use to call L "little @hole" all the time...while F overheard his dad on the phone saying "alright little @hole"...then telling whoever that he was waiting on these two to be picked up, them he was going to go see his other one!
For someone who wants seven and seven he sure doesn't act like it!
I'm so glad that I got this info today...I typed it up, faxed it and I'm done with it...
It also sounds like POWS has more than one woman...which doesn't surprise me in the least...i.e. "Open Marriage"...swapping that he was always pushing for...
So needless to say I'm not feeling low today...I'm feeling really good about what I'm doing and concentrating on protecting those kids the best that I can...
7 more days and I love it when the weekend rolls around because I can got more days out of the way...LOL
So, TODAY I'm in Charlie's Angel mode with a little help from F this morning!!
There is no way in Hades that I would ever tolerate anyone calling my child such a name...and especially not their father. Make sure this verbal is documented. Do you have witnesses who have also heard him call L that?
I was sitting here working and I started thinking about last night's meeting. The topic was on Detachment. It hit me that I was once able to detach realtively easy from POWS but over the last few weeks I think that the rules changed and I got off of the path.
This line of thinking made me think about boundaries. And how at one time I set the boundary that I would not allow POWS to intimidate me...somewhere's that went out the window and I have determined that I need to inforce that boundary with myself again...
I think that I have allowed my fear of all of the threats POWS has made from the past to creep up in the past few weeks leading to this court date...there are two that come to mind:
1. he would rather go to jail than give me anything. 2. he would burn the house down.
These thoughts haven't been in the forefront on my mind but they have been there...
I thought I knew what detachment was but sitting there last night listening, I felt that I didn't know one thing about detachment and when it was my turn to speak, I chose to pass.
My sponsor came up to me after the meeting and hugged me and asked if I was okay...I sadi that I had heard people tlak about the rules changing and I was listening and felt like I didn't know one darn thing about it...
So, I'm trying to get those two things straight in my mind today...is it safe to that boundaries and detachment go hand in hand?
Someone also mentioned that they thought that there were stages to detachment...like first detachment with angry, then detachment with indifference, and eventually you make it to detachment with love...anyone else think that there are stages?
how to you kow when you have gotten to detachment with love?
I would love to hear anyone thoughts and feelings on the subject...
Also, do you think that I'm headed in the right direction of where I have gotten on the path that I needed to be on?
LMAO...see my thinking is clear this morning...I don't have a committee in my head running conversations or imagines of what's going to happen, playing out my part...WORRYING!!!LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I think it is great that you are recognizing your need to re-set that boundary. Worry about what you can control. I think the stages of detachment are real...IMHO, the order is just off... I think it is with anger/love/indifference.
This is almost over...hang in there...you are a strong, capable and brave woman to have fought this battle. You have already won.
Good Morning MEDC! Thank you so much for the vote of confidence!
I was making myself miserable...i would see atruck like his on the road and jump clean out of my skin...then, i ran into him a few times and would by shaking afterwards...just went in the opposite direction...
i can't run from him for the rest of my life...that's not a life! That's living in fear and that's continuing to give him control...POWER....
I have to be the one to break that connection and it's not an easy task...
I hated myself for my reaction to him, I hated that I wasn't able to control myself...I felt horrible...
I was trying to find someone with a history like mine to talk to about it but to no success...I was looking for help to figure out how I could overcome the depression that I was sinking into...
There were so many days that i thought it would be easier to go back, but that's not what I wanted, and I now know that there's a better life...it's a struggle to stay in that frame of mind when you are being intimidated like that...or thinking that you are being intimidated with the history that POWS and I have...
I would see him with his arms floded blocking the door to my car or standing on the top step while I was on the phone with my Sponsor asking her what I should do...hearing him tell me "you can leave but you're not taking the kids!" And I won't leave becasue I wasn't going to leave without them...
My Sponsor called back one night that I was really upset with POWs and said "You sound like a whipped puppy!" And I replied to her that I felt like one...I wanted to go to my dad's for the weekend for a cooling off period and he wouldn't let me go with the kids...
I was on the phone with my stepmom and he told me "I don't know who you think you are yelling at!" I didn't think that I was yelling but replied "someone with no intregity!"
Today I can think of those things are it gives me strenght to move on but when I'm feeling intimidated by him, being triggered, my fear grows and I feel hopeless and despair...
I was telling myself that I couldn't do this, but then I would come right back and say but you ARE doing this...
IT just seemed SOOOO VERY hard...i KNWO that this has to be "symptoms" of the control that I have experienced and I just want to get better! FOR ME AND MY BOYS!
Thank you again, it's been a long road to get to TODAY AND MY THOUGHTS!
Just remember ONE things here... POWS is a coward. Anyone that needs to bully a woman like that really has no backbone...deep down inside he is weak and helpless and YOU are the one with the real strength and power.
Wow, just one more week. You've hung in there for a long time, I'm so glad that it's finally getting somewhere for you!
Good job of taking control and getting the meds sorted out. Hopefully they will start to help a little more. I bet you can call your doc's office and tell them that you want something with less addictive potential than whatever sleep-aid they prescribed. You probably don't even need another appointment for that -- they should be able to do it all over the phone. And depending on the pharmacy, you may be able to return whatever sleep aid you just got. They might not give you a refund on it, but it will at least prevent an "early refill" rejection from your insurance company.
Not sure if it will help, but my doc prescribed Ambien for me, and that did the trick for me. There's a controlled release version now that helps you stay asleep all night -- not just fall asleep faster. I didn't use it for long, and once my AD's really kicked in, my need for the ambien tapered off quite a bit. I never felt dependent on it or like I "needed" it. No clue what the general research says about it being addictive, though. Anyway, it helped me so I thought I'd let you know about it if you're still looking for something to try.
I have no clue about detachment, sorry. I do think that you get to set the rules -- your own boundaries -- so they only change if you change them. Your STBX can't just change the rules unless you let him.
When your STBX has been showing up at places, what specifically are you feeling? Are you bothered because you saw him with OW, or do you feel threatened or intimidated or something else ....?
What I'm trying to ask is: do you feel that he's being threatening or is he just a typical WS jerk trying to flaunt his A and make you see how great he's doing without you?
You've had more significant interactions with him before, even spending time alone with him and talking to him about the kids, etc. so I am just wondering what the change was that made him showing up at the same place as you, and parking near you, seem more upsetting to you? Do you think he's become more threatening or unstable?
Or is he just a jerk trying to taunt you?
Either one would be upsetting, I only ask because I think that you'd deal with the two differently.
As for the other children stuff ..... It may not be very helpful to your case if he suddenly has other kids pop into the picture. Other kids could effect the CS calculation, could provide him with justification of why he needs to stay in the house, etc. (Would you have known if he'd been having CS deducted from his paycheck already, while you were still together? I wonder if that could have been already happening?)
You may need to let your lawyer know about the possibility so he can be prepared in case your STBX throws it out there at the last minute. But I think I'd be careful about trying to prove the issue or bringing it up yourself.
Not sure how you address it with the kids. Maybe a good counselor would be the best thing for them. Someone who is neutral between the parents and the kids don't have to worry about getting their approval (kids always want approval from their parents).
F seems to "tell on" his dad a lot to you, and it seems to get you pretty worked up sometimes (whether or not you let him know). Since it's natural for kids to seek approval and attention from a parent, I wonder if F feels like he can get that out of you if he tells you bad things about his dad -- exaggerated or not?
Not that I think you encourage that or try to get him to do that .... I just wondered if he might think that when I was reading your post. A neutral counselor might be able to help with some of that, too, if it's going on.
I really admire how you've beenable to claw through the last several months and keep yourself and your kiddos all sane and functioning. Keep it up -- you're inteh home stretch now!
Remember me! I still lurk everyday and keep up, just haven't had any advice or smart a$$ coments to make.
Hang in there, it's getting rough, but you're almost there.
One thing I'm wondering is if you've taken pictures of the house in its current state. If the house looks like he11 and the grass isn't cut and the mortgage is behind, the judge might like to know it.
Also, POWS current behavior now that he's back playin again has me agreeing with going for sole custody. He's clearly demonstrating his complete lack of interest in the kids. This is a horrible environment for them to be in. Those kids need to feel loved and they're not getting it from him. PROTECT THEM!!
That's about it. Going back in my cave now.
Stay strong for the boys, you're all they've got.
When you feel overwhelmed, look at what HAS to happen NOW and what can WAIT. This will cut your load in half. Anxiety instantly reduced to a managebale level.
When your STBX has been showing up at places, what specifically are you feeling? Are you bothered because you saw him with OW, or do you feel threatened or intimidated or something else ....?
I'm not really sure at first...like a panic...when I thought I saw his truck on the road the other day, it was like a light switch was flipped, and a rush of fear...like I jumped...
When he showed up at the sitter's it was an "Oh, [censored], he's here!" I rushed out the door with the boys stuff and forgot to kiss them bye...didn't look at POWS, just my way to the car, opened the door, threw the stuff in and rushed off...
Last Tues., it was "Oh, God, there's his truck, what do I do?" Like I couldn't think, he wasn't around, then I drove to the back on the truck and wrote the plate down b/c I didn't have it, then sat there for a second, thinking, what do I do? Then, that's when i saw her, then him, then her again...and I drove off...
So, it's panic...I sincerely have NO problems with him seeing OP...UNLESS it's confusing the kids, harming them, something like that...
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do you feel that he's being threatening or is he just a typical WS jerk trying to flaunt his A and make you see how great he's doing without you?
he's not doing anything threatening, outside of being RIGHT THERE...and YES, of course, I think he was trying to flaunt his A, Tuesday...like a "I'll show you, I'm with her and I can do anything I want including be by YOU!"
That really scared me b/c I was in the store completely unaware that he was right there...probably watching me from the check out with OW...I felt like I didn't have the time to protect myself should something have happened b/c I didn't know he was there...I mean he parked RIGHT behind me...
I don't trust him as far as I can see him...in his mind I'm destroying HIS life...I'm a threat to him!
As far as OW, or any OW...he can go out and get a STD if he wants too...I don't have to worry about that! I really think that there's more than one woman and they are in the swing community...rethinking what F told me...I think F got it wrong...it's not kids that he was referring too...he was talking to his brother and referring to women...but he was referring to his brother's son as the little @hole!
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Or is he just a jerk trying to taunt you?
YES! I do! it's "look at me, you have a restrainting order against me and you can't do anything about it...you can't control me, blah, blah, blah...!" Same thing when i was home!
There's no other kids...I've seen his check stubs for years! just ins., 401K, and taxes coming out!
I also don't think that F LIKES to tell on his dad...not for approval...he's protective of me...I think that he's voicing his stuff...like he's unhappy about his dad's choices b/c he's got a tone to his voice, like he's judging his dad really...
When i went to open house last week, I signed F up for counseling on D...there's a new IC this year and she's offering that. I felt it would be a good thing for him...
LMAO...Sane! WOW, yeah, I can use that word today! it's been rough! Thank you! SOOO very MUCH!!!
LMAO...I haven't taken pictures, haven't passed by the house in a long time, but I just asked a co-worker what the house looked like and she said she really didn't pay attention the last time that she drove by but will check that out for me. So, thank for the idea...i think that it looked okay the last time that I saw it...????
thanks for climbing up, hope to see you around for a little while!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
WEll, I going to head off to bed in a little bit...today has been better...I've been able to think clearer...
I was able to enjoy the radio, the clouds...had a few special moments with the boys...
I was starting to crawl back into my hole...feeling like I couldn't relate to anyone...closing myself off...really feeling some emotional abandonment of my own since I left...
GoD, POWS was so good at that...I think that there are certain things that I am/was feeling that has to be along the lines of what abused woman feel like...when tryign to break the cycle...
It was mostly my emotions that were killing me...my head was keeping me on course...it's all so scary really...
But like I said today was a good day, a clear thinking day...I was able to let the events of this morning go when I faxed it to the Attorney's office...so that was good, that's the Rin before a few weeks ago...that's the Rin that I love and feel confident and proud of...
Not the Rin that was running, living in fear, hating herself for what she was feelings...
So, here I am at the end of this day, doing well...
Tomorrow, I am taking the boys to the movies to see Shrek the Third, and I'm going to laugh with them and enjoy their company, and the movie...and far the rest, we'll see when we get there...
So Happy to hear you and the boys had a great day yesterday!
You are rounding the corner to the home strech! WHOO HOO!!
I can't tell you how glad I am to see (hear) how you have pulled yourself back up again from that slide towards the 'cave' of isolation. You have come so far!
I am confident the court date will happen and all will be well for you and the boys. Prayers are powerful & you have SO many raising them up on your behalf. Hope you know we are all here for you!
OH, BUGS! Thank you so much for those inspiring words...my chin buckled up like I wanted to cry, LMAO...but not like last weeks with Frog's post...
It was good...I am so grateful to have you and everyone else in my life...
We did have a good weekend...today I brought the boys swimming at a friend's house, we had the pool to ourselves...I soak up the sun easy, well, the boys too...the tops of my thighs are the only thing were a little uncomfortable after we came home...
So, needless to say I got a tan, big white strip down the middle of my back...LMAO...we had fun...I REALLY ENJOYED PLAYING WITH THEM IN THE POOL!! I laid in my boat, L laid in his boat, we'd go under the "Rain"...I had the watergun, L had the watergun...F did his own thing...LMAO
I got out and L told me to come back in because it was no fun without me in the pool...talk about felt great to hear that one!!! I was ABLE to RELAX, just floating around in the pool, I CAN'T remember the last time I did that...and I thought I need to get one of these!!
L and I watched part of the USF and Auburn game, I asked if he wanted to watch the game with me and I would explain what was happening...he was rootign for Auburn and I was rooting for South Florida...brought back memories of me doing the same thing with my SD...rooting for the opposite team!
So, TODAY, and YESTERDAY were good days, complete blessing...back to enjoying the little things...like watcing L clean up his cookie crumbs...F saying something and laughing at him...I've missed that these passed few weeks...
It's good to be back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
If I had ANY ADVICE for the BS, don't leave home if you can help it...I had to leave...but if you ahve the choice, Don't!
Until tomorrow, I'm going jump in a hot shower, read some, and snuggle with my wild, leg and arm flinging bed partner...I may nto have that opportunity much longer...better "enjoy" it while I can! LMAO
GOOD MORNING! I hope that everyone is well this morning and had a great weekend!
I enjoyed mine with the boys!
I was thinking something last night or in the middle of the night that I need to change my perceptive on being unhealthy. I need to start thinking of myself as a healthy individual...
I mean sure I have some character defects that need to be parred back but for so long I thought I was the sick one in the M. And as we can see I'm healthy compared to the thinking of my STBX...I think that I was trashed so much that I began thinking I was the sick one when in reality I'm not...
Being told so often that I would never be happy, and finding today that I am...the littlest things can make me happy...
The clouds in the sky a shooting star (I saw two last night!) a smile on the boys' faces... a good cup of coffee a good conversation with someone a light breeze blowing, one that you can tell that fall is approaching... one of the boy's saying something off the wall and making me laugh... one of them snuggling up against me to watch TV...
There's so many great things to be happy about...
So, I have to say that was one of the not so great things about the M...
Another thing that I have come to realize from reading this book "Controlling People" by Patricia Evans is that STBX IS made up from the outside in...I can look all the way back to our college days and remember how he would take on the charateratics of another individual...saying their catch phrases...liking the things that they liked...
This was not in my nature...I was not one to jump on the band wagon...if something was popular and it wasn't for me, well, it wasn't for me...I was the creative odd ball out sometimes...and I was okay with that...
I can see where things started tog o down hill...with the birth of our first son, but it wasn't until the birth of our second son that things really started to roll down the hill...I was giving alot of my attention to the boys and their care...I was growing up and maturing, not wanting to go certain places, thinking of myself more as a mother...
Coming to terms with my morals...and STBX still wanted the girl that he met in college...the party, wild girl, who gave all of her attention to STBX except to study and then sometimes, I didn't do what I needed to do with my studying becuase of him...
I wanted to teach my boy's better than some of the things that we were doing...I stopped doing things that I thought didn't fit into my lifestyle...this DID NOT MAKE STBX happy...and he would get mad often becasue I didn't do certain things or want to do certain things...
It's really a shame that we grew apart like we did...if we lived in a perfect world, I would definitily want to keep my M, but since we don't I have to do what's best for me and the boys...one of those things is teaching them about God and religion...
I sincerely hope that STBX has a good life, I wish him the best...I firmly believe that an individual has a right to live his life as he/she sees fit, although I may not agree with the way that they live it...I think it's a shame that I can see him destroying his life and he can't see it, I really do...
But he's the one that has to wake up to reality, not me, I'm grounded in reality...mourning my loses and praying for good things for me and the boys everyday...knowing that WE will be okay!
I have learned a GREAT DEAL from this book, and I'm still learning how to deal with some other things that I struggle with...just doing the best I can do with what I have today!
4 days to go! WHOO HOOOOOOOO! Feeling good...at ease, right now, like being wrapped in a blanket, secure in the fact that I have done all I can do to prepare for Friday!
Rin: Glad you are in a good spot. You really sound great.
I can relate to SO much of what you say, especially the timeline about kids, etc. Personally, I think much of it can be attributed to just plain lack of maturity. Are you willing to take responsibilities for your actions like an adult? Are you willing to honor your commitments like an adult? Are you willing to put your children's needs first like an adult? Are you willing to think of life and relationships as investments, with ups and downs and a long-term gain, like an adult? Are you willing to find contentment with small wonders in life, or will you always long for excitement and a fast pace?
The behavior and apparent thought patterns of a WS just seems to mirror that of an adolescent. Even your "outside in" theory is sort of the way one is in middle or high school...always trying to fit in.
You, my dear, are an adult. Congratulations! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thank you SIS! I hope that things are going well for you too!I definitily agree with you on the child like state...
You know in eight years, STBX before I left, had MAYBE picked up the kids from the sitter a doze times...it would have interferred with his free time according to him...when asked to watch the kids he would act put upon...
LMAO...I'm proud to be the adult! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Yeap, in a really great place today, my boss even brought me to lunch today! The perks of the job! LMAO
I'm going to have a really busy week and I'm happy to have it too!
Well, back to work for me! Responsiblity calls! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I agree with Frog. He is dead on with that advice. I can tell you with absolute certainty that none of my court dates went as planned. There were delays, more delays, and intimidation tactics used. I hung in there though. There was more than one hearing where the two lawyers had worked out an agreement ahead of the hearing, only to have WH's attorney show up the day of the hearing and propose some crazy BS from out in left field to try and throw us off. They did this several times, usually regarding custody. In retrospect I think they did it to make me appear "unaccomodating and unreasonable" to the judge. It didn't work. My attorney and I also quickly realized that this was my WH's doing and not his attorney. We finally reached a settlement that was in my favor because I stuck it out and didn't give in. I ended up with sole custody of DD2 (with visitation every other weekend for WH), close to the full amount of court ordered CS, and complete ownership of the marital home including almost all the furniture. Don't give up or get discouraged even if this one hearing doesn't resolve all the issues in your divorce. There will most likely be more hearings after this one, or mediation. Be happy if you get a temporary custody agreement in place, that is a significant accomplishment in your situation (given POWS attitude to date). I wish you luck and will be praying for you and the boys.
My plate's full this week I can tell you that! Tues., Thurs, and Friday...Board meeting...lawyer meeting, orientation for the boys at religion, my regular meeting tomorrow at lunch, then tomorrow night, and Thurs. Night! I have plenty to keep my mind from going down the tube...
I finished reading Controlling People today...that was a really great book! I would recommend it highly...I ahve a new one on it's way, recommended my PBS (E), about boundaries that I'm looking forward to reading...now, I'm going to finish the other book that I have been reading called "Opening our Heart:Transforming Our Losses".
It's an Al-anon book about dealing with grief...
Today wasa great day...poor L, he's ahving a rough time adjusting to Kindergarden...I picked him up today and he was sleeping again...I got him home,and he went to sleep on the sofa, so I carried him to bed and I laided down with him for a while...
He hasn't even done his homework yet...guess he's really missing that nap during the day...
F went right to his homework tonight, all done when I got up, he was eating supper with Spon. and her H...so I sat down and ate with them...then, I got F on teh computer to type out his spelling words...figure that might help him...
He did half tonight and I'll get him to do half tomorrow night...then we'll take a spelling test and see if he learns them better this way...if so, then I've found something that works for him...
So, which Angel am I again? Am I Jackie? I forgot! LMAO...
Well, I'm off for some walking and star gazing..then to bed...There's a patio in the back ont he house and by the time I leave I will probably have to repaint the path that I walk over and over again...
This mornign when I was up at 5:30 I saw two shooting stars...the stars WERE SO BRIGHT...and the first one I saw was a long shooting stream of light...the second one was littler...reminded me of watching a meteor shower with my mom once as a kid...I was delighted...
I'm in a good frame of mind...preparing myself...writing a list of questions...focusing on me...OCCASSIONALLY STBX will pop into my mind but now I'm able to say to myself, I'm not thinking about that and move on...last week I just couldn't do that...I'd tell myself to stop, pray and ask God to help me stop and it just wasn't happening...this week IS SOOOO MUCH BETTER!
That was a horrible place to be!! This week's goal is to live life on life's terms!
Sorry for the Thread Jack - IAPBS - no news is never good news in your court and your last official update was 8/27 - progress? Set backs? What am I praying for this week?
Striving - Have you picked up the 4 Agreements yet? I've been listening to it on CD lately as I drive to work. Definitely worth listening to right now.
BR- Thank you for your post, I loved the one on Detach with Love...Outstanding post!!!
PBS- I know that you are concerned about posting if you would like to do a brief update on my thread you are more than welcome!
KA- I haven't heard of the 4 agreements...I'll check it out today...I should be able to find it on Amazon...
I have a question, I was reading that book and I was wondering...I noticed some of those behavior that POWS was doing that I did myself...but I'm not doing them anymore...I was wondering if that had something to do with being out of the situation or is it common for the person who doesn't have those behavior to take on some of the Controllling behaviors of the controler...
I was constantly being told that I was trying to control him, that if it wasn't my way it was no way...I personally didn't think so, but being told that I was trying to control him all the time, I have tried to honestly look at myself to see if I have done some of these things...
I was trying to end C with OW, and I didn't like him going to "the store"...I can see how he would see that as controlling...
I just would like to get some of this straight in my mind...
I would appreciate some help looking at myself in terms of controlling behavior...I can see it with the kids but I can't see if with him...
Thank you all for your time and I appreicate every post!!!
3 days to go! Praying we actually get this part done so that I can have some closure!
I tried to control my DH's emotions...make him happy, avoid his anger, coax him out of feeling sad...I wouldn't say this or do that because of his usual response. I predicted and assumed him, which I believe, is controlling.
He saw me as controlling because, as he later found out in therapy, he was very controlling. He used presence and withdrawal, in careful measures, and gave himself permission to do this, to lessen his fear (controlling his own emotions, not acts from them), and only saw me as the one causing his discomfort or pain.
We both saw in the other what was in us. And we both escalated and continued these behaviors by using the other as a mirror to who we were...
Your mirror isn't there any more, Rin. That's my take. The loop broke when you removed yourself. We aren't made controlling...which is why I object to "Controlling People" title. We act that way; we aren't.
Not a condition...a choice. Mostly an unconscious one (repeatedly) from fear. Once you became aware, you freed yourself. See if you have any mirrors (not the kids) going on right now...and check those areas to see if you did what I did...or do what you did with STBX.
You couldn't end STBX's contact with OW. None of us can. Not in our control. What you did was state your boundary...you would only do a two-person marriage. And you would guard your boundaries...and when he didn't/wouldn't, he put your marriage at risk. His choices. Then you made yours.
I tried to control my DH's emotions...make him happy, avoid his anger, coax him out of feeling sad...I wouldn't say this or do that because of his usual response. I predicted and assumed him, which I believe, is controlling
Guilty!! I would try to coax him out of the silent treatment, act if nothing was wrong not to have him mad, I can see that very clear...
No, I don't have any mirrors...this makes a lot more sense to me now...what was it that Frog or someone linked to about the dance...I can see that Extremely clear now...there's no bouncing off anyone now...
I can hear something and not take it personally...MOF, (pat myselfon the back) Sponsor told me the other night that I was healthy...this is what make me decide to change my thinking...I kept telling myself that I was unhealthy, and I need to be telling myself that I am healthy...
I'd made some good choices that have resulted in some good behavior changes...that's healthy! So, I'm making a point not to tell myself that I'm unhealthy anymore! I'm not sick, i'm not perfect, definitily human...but not sick!
Thank you LA, it would have been nice if STBX would have made different choices, but since he didn't...I know today that I have to live for me...be happy for me...
Forever grateful to you and your sharing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (LMAO...said in that child like state!)
No mirrors? You mentioned one. These aren't the large, sole-defining mirrors of your STBX (which is normal, how we do relationships before we know better). These are small mirrors, still mirrors.
Big kudos on hearing your own child-perspective. That's the key...we need all of ourselves through awareness...includes all we were for who we really are...being aware which one we're in...which one is speaking and why...heck, isn't that healthy?
We are whole...and act in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. I see you really experiencing that now...on and off for months now...which is normal. It's a process. We go for decades defining ourselves as sick, defective, wrong...instead of our actions. You're practicing. You're running the scales. Won't protect you from defining yourself that way again...will sure give you strong signals when you do...out of love for yourself.
Now, I've given you a bit of mirroring in this post...and I think you can consider all the small mirrors...even your rearview one...your compact mirror...I know you looked for the large one hanging in front of you...see the small ones.
Mirrors aren't bad...we connect through them...to each other. Making one person your sole mirror was an extreme...no one mirroring would be the opposite. Think maybe in the middle is where you are/you're headed?
I believe you that you don't take others' stuff as your own now. You look for what's your part...which is why Alanon ROCKS for me.
We're not the all or nothing. We are. You are experiencing being...might feel isolating or lazy...something stored in your belief system about it...sure won't feel known and comfortable yet. This is practice. Makes a pattern...a new pattern for us.
LMAO...I have to agree that Al-Anon Rocks!!! I will be celebrating a year this month on the 28th! OMG, I was SOOOO scared that night I walked into those doors! ANd then there's today...Member of the board, helping to organize more meeting in the area...LMAO...NOW THAT ROCKS!
Mirroring...okay, that would be SPonsor...then, you, or Frog, PBS, my Al-anon friends, co-workers...okay...
i'll have to go read that thread I think I saw on mirroring!
I think the key to awareness of our child like state is wanting to use the words, always, forever, never, etc...I listen to the kids when they talk and sometimes have to laugh...I don't say anything when they use them, their kids!
I guess another mirror would be the kids like L telling me that it's MORE FUN when I'm in the pool with him...that was cool!
Kind of validation too, MOM'S FUN! COOL!
Definitily the middle is where I'm headed, where I would like to be, parring back to reasonable, rational...not saying I would swing again, but I'll have to tools to recognize what's happening and be able to do something about myself...
LMAO...adore YOU BEING HERe TOO! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
it would have been nice if STBX would have made different choices
Says who? There is always the remote possibility he made worse choices then he did. The only choice he could have made would have and should have been independant of you and your M. The choice was to be a better healthier man. If that made you happye then maybe it would have helped.
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I know today that I have to live for me...be happy for me...
Exactly how it should be. In a good relationship aren't we really two Whole's coming together to make something better. I don't like the whole two halfs coming togehter idea. I am quite sufficient on my own. I don't NEED anyone. I WANT companionship but only to enrich my life.
So you Rin are doing great. You will do well.
Your STBX will also do fine as well.There are plenty of women and men out there with very little self respect and he will find one. That fits right into the world he beleives is right. He doesn't need to change he just needs to find someone that thinks the same way he does.
Afternoon Frog! yes, I meant that choice...a better healthier MAN...one who did right by his family and has intregity...Oh, well! I'm sure that he will not have any problems filling the void!
Anyway, Plato's theory? HA, I use to love that theory but today, I don't believe in it like you...I definitily want a whole person...not dependent upon me to make them happy...
It's funny I was just thinking about Plato yesterday and his theory...I use to think that it was SOOO romantic in college...OMG, that was a long time ago! LMAO
Oh, tidbit for court of Friday, no CS this month! LMAO, I hoping that I DON'T get it before court! Just something else to add to his list!
Just wanted to say hi before turning in for the night. You are rockin' right now! Keep your chin up and chest out.
BTW - I believe you are Kelly of the Angels. I am pretty sure that you and Sis chimed in real quick and I was stuck being the Farrah Fawcett Angel. That might have been a good thing back then, but not so much these days! Hmmmmm,,,,, here's hoping I don't turn out like her!! There's a phrase around here for that - -- "looking like she was rode hard & put away wet". Wild will understand that one. he he!
Morning BUGS! LMAO...Thanks for letting me know, I'm not sure who Kelly is! LMAO...As far as Farrah, I haven't seen her...so I still that that GREAT IMAGINE on her in my head!
I'll stick with that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Well, I woke the boys up playing and tickling them this morning! I didn't hear I'm tired or I don't want to go to school! So, it's a good morning!
F also inform me yesterday that HN1's kids are not at school and haven't been for a little while...they also didn't show up to religion orientation last night, F thinks that they have moved! WHOO HOO!
Outside of that it's HUMP Day and it's started out well! 2 days to go, lawyer meeting tomorrow! Still no CS! Life is good! Especially with nothing to do tonight, so I get to go home and rest! Plenty to do here at work that I have to take care of but I can handle that and it makes for the day to go by faster!
Well, let me get my cup of coffee this morning! Oh, I read October 17th that SDguy was talking about...it was good! Oh, our meeting last night was on detactment, so I got to share my thoughts and the things that were mentioned here! Thank you all for that one! Have a good day!
Rin: Glad you got the book. Maybe we should start a thread for everyone who is reading it these days. Me, you, SD, still...anyone else? A little on-line book club.
I find it really helpful to just go through and pick a day or two (and I usually end up reading more)...it is really soothing. I can't think of another way to describe it.
You are doing great, Rin. Prayers for you on Friday.
Thanks, SIS! I think that's a wonderful idea...LMAO...are you going to be the one that starts that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Perhaps we can post the day and then discuss it...get some feedback...I'm sure that it will help other here also...
I was just telling Still that I feel really good about Friday...that God is the only one that can do for me right now...I have done the footwork that I needed to do and that it's in his hands now...I'm sure that it will work out exactly the way that it needs too!
I also have my Sponsor coming to my meeting with my Attorney tomorrow, b/c sometimes I don't get what he's saying or perhaps it's so much info that I'm not able to process it all...I forget what he said...
I do have a list of questions for him that I have been adding to all week...most are on the custody, but some are on the property part!
Well, let me get back to work! Thanks for checking in on me this morning!
I guess the only "angel" left is to be Bosley. I guess I can play the frumpy old man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Or can I be Charlie... the voice on the phone. No wait I think that voice belongs to CJ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. Where has CJ been anyway?
It would be a great idea about the readings from Beattie's book. It would also help others who are just beginning this battle.
Rin you are doing a great job... keep it up. Good things are on the horizen.
Still- I think Mimi is Charlie, if I remember correctly! So Bosley's still open...LMAO
SD-I REALLY appreicate the book idea, b/c yesterday afternoon, I hada little down period. I was feelinga little guilty b/c I filed for D. So, I read a little and had to remember that the guilty is not mine...
I was trying to trust an untrustworthy person, who repeated hurt me time and time again and that things were becoming more abusive, the more that I fought for my M.
BUGS!! I have to be there for 8:30 tomorrow morning, so the countdown is 25 hours to go! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Sadmo- Thank you so much for your prayers, as well as everyone else's...L asked this morning if it was time to move back into our house...F is worried about how mad his dad is going to be tomorrow...
I told him that if he was that uncomfortable that he didn't have to go and he could tell his dad that...he asked if I was crazy and said that he couldn't tell his dad that he didn't want to go...so I left it at that!
I tell you guys, it has been a REALLY BUSY week and I know that it's a good thing b/c it gives me less time to think about court and the whole process...
Last night was suppose to be our night off from having to go anywhere and I ended up helping F with his homework until 9:30...Then, I have some calls to make, and it was 11 before I got into bed...
Today, I have my meeting with my Lawyer at 3, then, I have two meeting tonight, one of which is a board meeting...then I have some more calls to make to let my mom know what's going on and what the lawyer thinks will happen tomorrow as well as some friends...
I have Sponsor and another friend going with me tomorrow for support, then we'll probably do lunch, and then, tomorrow night I'm going eat sushi with another friend of mine...
So, I've got enough things to do to keep my mind from wondering in directions that it doesn't need to! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I hope all of you have a wonderful day and THANK YOU FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT!!!!
Thinking of you, glad you have a busy day to keep you occupied!
Not too long and you'll have some certainty -- that will be nice. Maybe you could mention to STBX that the boys are worried that he'd be angry tomorow. Maybe even have the lawyers pass the message through each other if you need to. That way he might not be short with them, even if it's just to prove YOU wrong. If you think he really will be likely to take out any anger on them, then you might even have the lawyers work out a switch to the schedule, trade weekends or something so he has time to cool off. Then again, maybe the schedule will get adjusted enough that the kids don't end up having to go with him on Friday, anyway.
The kids seem to be pretty involved in a lot of the details -- seems like lots of what-ifs for them to deal with (if you get the house, then dad said he'll live in a trailer, if you don't get the house, if dad gets 50/50 custody .... etc.). How are they doing with all that uncertainty? It's stressful for ME to think about, and I don't have to live it day to day, I bet it's much harder on you all.
Hang in there, one more day! You've really done a great job getting through all of this.
Hi, guys, it's been a really rough day...I just walked in the door...
here's the deal...so far I have custody...CS is determined...
Problem we are having to deal with is: use of the house and spousal support, and there was another issue but I can't remember what it was, I was SOOOO upset...
My lawyer is confusing and I really don't like him...I'm going to have a talk with him in the morning....
I think that he was trying to convince me to give in on the house...wanting me to look at the bigger picture, saying that it's just a house not a home...that the boy's will be asking once we move into the house when's dad moving back in...then it will turn to blaming me in the long run...
One: he doesn't know my KIDS...
So, I have to deal with him tomorrow morning...I'm pissed right now that I think I have things straight in my head...
There is a plan and we are going to play the game...8:30am...I have to be at my lawyer's office at8am...
I have to finish some paperwork...
Both my meeting went well...Oh, come to finds out the last CS I got was fronted my POWS mom! My attorney also told me that she speaks highly of me...I think that she's fronting POWS on this stuff b/c she feels guilty!
Well, If I think of anything else I'll posted it!
I need some rest...can't go looking like a GODDESS if I'm tired...attire's already picked out...and I still have to call my mom and let her know what my attorney had to say...
When this is finished please remember it was necessary to be adversarial through this process but IMVHO for the kids it becomes important for you to work together in the future.
I Know you can and I hope STBX can too. It is very important.
Hope all went well and I hope you are holding up OK.
Today you are going to lose some things that were dear to you--that is the ugly nature of divorce. But today I pray that God will be at your side, supporting you, encouraging you, and granting the judge wisdom to see through PWC's games and to grant you what you and the boys need to move into a healthier, happier life.
Gee, is that the same Harley he claimed was already sold last year? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
HI Everyone! I just got home...We're moving home not this Sunday but next...
The only thing I lose was my laptop...
CS, over 1K a month...and arrears was settled at almost 2K...
POWS has a set of bills that he has to pay and so do I...
No spousal support...
MIL was the one who stepped in and settled POWS down...told him what to do b/c she's holding the pursue strings!!! CS came from her last month...this month will be coming from her and so will the settlement on arrears...
CAn WE SAY ENABLING????
I am SOOO tired...we were in court, mediating from 8:30 to about 3:20...it's been a really long day...
POWS gets the kids the 1st, 3rd, and 4th weekend of the month, and summer goes to 7 and 7...with the week before school with me...
Oh, on the laptop, my A asked about another computer we have, and it's running an old windows...well, my A said that he didn't know what that meant, well, POWS's A said "that means you can't pull up PORN!"
POWS wanted his gun back and I wouldn't give it, sayig I needed it for protection! HN1 claimed that I pulled the gun on her! So, he's not getting that back, and everything in the house stays!
Oh, did I tell you that I told my Attorney this morning that I felt like I was being [email]d1ck@d[/email] around...that was interesting!! BEfore we headed over to court...he was not happy about that and we had to work out some issues about him representing me! LMAO
So, I'll be shopping for a new laptop soon! LMAO
OMG, THank YOU ALL, I was SOOOO surprised to get back and see ALL of the SUPPORT...so many posts! My heart Leaped!!! Words can't express how I feel about you guys, the prayers, etc...
1-3 God! Please hurry to my rescue! God, come quickly to my side! Those who are out to get me— let them fall all over themselves. Those who relish my downfall— send them down a blind alley. Give them a taste of their own medicine, those gossips off clucking their tongues.
4 Let those on the hunt for you sing and celebrate. Let all who love your saving way say over and over, "God is mighty!"
5 But I've lost it. I'm wasted. God—quickly, quickly! Quick to my side, quick to my rescue! God, don't lose a minute.
Great news. I've watched you bloom from a crushed flower bud into a confident, standin' up for yourself and kids woman. You have done a great job...ATTA GIRL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
LMAO...Thank you card!!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I was so exhausted I had to take a nap...POWS was suppose to leave a CS check at teh sitter but didn't...MIL and FIL were with him and they said that they would give it to me SUnday...
The condition was that I couldn't do anything with it until Monday anyway...
Frog- where did you get that laptop? If they are that cheap, I think that I'm going to get F and L a desktop to replace the old desktop at home...I don't know, just a thought right now...
I'm feeling really good, going to dinner with a friend to celebrate...
My phones been ringing off the hook...I AM Loved!!! LMAO...still need to call some people...Whheooo!
Hello, THank you ALL so much! My gratitude list is so long...
I just got home from a wonderful night out...didn't answer my cell phone...just relaxed and enjoyed the evening...
It's been an amazing day...I have leftover sushi...I had my favorite a seaweed salad...
It's just been a wonderful, wonderful...awesome day...the boys are at thier dad's for the weekend, so I get some peace and quiet from the long exhausting week...I have nothing planned...except washing some clothes...
I'm just going to rest up and enjoy the little things in life...I have smiled SOOOO much today, laughed, and enjoyed being...even during the process today...it was long but well worth it and I'm SOOO happy that my kids are going to be able to return home...
we had talked about letting them paint their own rooms...redecorating...I'm looking forward to it!!!!
My heart is so huge and pull...Wonder if life gets any better than this? LMAO
Good night to all...you are all in my thoughts and prayers...wishing you the best...
Hi BUGS! I am very excited...I finished my color palate today...
I'm going with a Deep Earth brown on the walls, my silk comforter is Moss Mulch and Amazon SIlt, two beautiful shades of green with silver delicate detail...so my trim will be a silver splendor...I stopped at the fabric store have have two choices for curtains...I'm not sure yet but I think that I might go with a Caramello, yellow, gold...shimery color...
I have planned to install a garage door and opened ASAP to secure that area...I priced that today and it's not bad at all, just need to find some help on the install...that'sa two person job...
ALso, I had to ick up the kids from POWS...they were on their way back and POWS hada blowout on the camper...so they got home late...he gave my Sept. CS and said that he would have the arrears check later this week...
It was a short but pleasant conversation...He also said that he would let me know if he was going to be out earlier that Sat. so that we can move back in...also mentioned that we would have to work out getting the cable swapped over to my name...bills, mentioned something about trying to work together to take care of what we needed to...
It was fairly easy fro me to talk with him...being able to seaparate the disease, his addictions, from the person I know...I actually feel that I saw my DH tonight...
That DOES NOT change anything for me or the sitch...MOF, he said something about this is how he wanted to be all along, to not make things difficult...HE DOES NOT realize that his words and actions do not line up but I was able to see it...that's okay I just have to accept the fact...
I really didn't speak a whole lot...I do not want him as a friend...I did recognize that he is accepting of the sitch and ACTUALLY seems positive about it...not the usual negative that I'm use to...
I'm still choosing to talk to him as little as possible, to deal with him as little as possible...I'm ready to move on...Friday was a big day for me in a lot of ways...there was alot of closure for me...I feel that I can live my life and allow him to live his...
So for today, I was not fearful of POWS, I was able to accept what he had to say to me without being judgemental, I was not critical of him...
The only important thing is that we work together to parent our kids, and L said soemthing tonight that his dad told him that make me reconsider the idea of him beign a father...
HE WAS a horrible father in my eyes when i was home, spent little time with them, and I think/hope that this will be better for him...we all make mistakes when we first become parents and he's only had to step up to the plate in teh last six months...he will have to learn on his own...
Fathers are very different from mothers in the way that they parent, I think...he MAY turn out to be a GREAT part time dad...and I wish him that for the boy's...
I just know that POWS and I are not healthy TOGETHER...
This was the first interaction I have had with him in six months...Did I mention that I dropped the TRO? POWS thougth it was a BIG< MAJOR TRO and was very concerned about it...I had already discussed it with my lawyer before the question was raised from POWS'...
I had several reasons for dropping it and told my lawyer should I have ANY problems with him in the future that I will file another, call teh cops, wahtever it takes...
So my plan is to be in Plan B as much and as deep as possible...I can not accept or be a part of his lifestyle...I have to think about and set some boundaries as to the relationship that I will ahve with him for the sole purpose of our kids...
I ahve heard that some couples have a better relationship once they are Ded...I will pray on the subject and ask for guidance...awareness is the key...being able to recognize when he is trying to control...and sticking to my boundaries...
I AM a much stronger person today than even a week ago...I ahve gained a great deal of confidence in the last two weeks alone...especially having this court date work out the way that it did...
Dealing with all of the accusations and pulling through the ordeal...it wasn't very longago that POWS' statement were MY TRUTH...today they are not and neither is other people's...I kNOW AND TRUST MYSELF MORE...
Today I feel whole...My recovery started right here amoung these forums...engulfed in pain like so many others...today I am pain free...a better person...and a success in my own right...
D-day was a horrible experience, I wish didn't happen to anyone and it's hard to turn that into something positive, Plan A, but it's determination and taking one day at a time, sometimes, one hour at a time...
I love my life today...I am grateful for the littest of things...the road HAS been hard and VERY bumpy but it DOES GET BETTER...
Good Morning! The boys and I were running late this morning...so I had to pass by the house...
No triggers, bad feelings, nothing...I did see POWS standing outside by himself, drinking coffee, dressed in plain clothes, so he must be stepping up and doing what he needs to...
I have to thank my MIL for stepping in, whatever her reasons, not wanting to lose her grandchildren, whatever...I think that she is the reason that things went so smoothly Friday...every time that POWS talked to his Attorney, she was right there...my lawyer said that she was being the voice of reason...
it's amazing how that one day has changed not only me, but the sitch...none of POWS threats were carried out, and as I was hoping the wind "appears" to have been knock out of his sails...I have stood firm and am feeling the rewards...
If BC is lurking, I was wondering if you would be so kind as to call me or contact me...I would greatly appreicate it...
WEll, let me get to work...I have a few things to get to this morning...check on a few more...
I'm really feeling at peace, in the middle, to swinging from one extreme to the other...
Oh, well it looks like I'll be having a B-day party at my house for myself after all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Just gettin caught up. I'll try to remember to give you a call this afternoon.
There was no doubt in my mind that you wouldn't walk out of court smelling like a rose, probably looked like one too.
Co-parenting is going well lately. Our conversations are strictly about DS and nothing more. There is no contact outside of that. We only have to see each other on Sun hand offs. I wouldn't even call em conversations, they're more like quick DS meetings, potty training progress, any conflicting custody plans, any DC issues, bye.
My only real advice about Co-parenting is to keep it civil and business like. FM's been doing pretty good lately so I think I'll start calling her STBX now. When I talk to STBX it is all business. I am polite, but there is no personal conversation. I'm not trying to be her friend.
Talk to you soon and congratulations on everything. You deserve this as much as anybody I've ever known.
NOW, YOU KNOW I was in GODDRESS WEAR...of course, I didn't think I looked all that hot...I lost 10 pounds from the time that I bought it to the time I wear it! LMAO
But it still hada good shape to it! LMAO...
Well, I have found someone to install the garage door, fix a plumbing problem that has to be corrected ASAP or I lose my pest control contact (This was suppose to be done I LONG TIME AGO!), install some security lights, and Oh, the garage door opener! So that's all taken care of, oh, ann an alarm system...all lined up!
just waiting on POWS to get out...
I also took care of getting my own ins. policy today...court ordered that we each pay our own auto ins. since the renewal was up...I'm still coming out cheaper...
Finanically I'm going to be just fine, and I new I was...things had been a little tight without POWS paying CS, but I had everything paid on time and we were still able to enjoy a movie or something from time to time...
I've worked really hard on lining up my ducks and getting them in a row...one of the benefits to the past six months...
Oh, BC, thank you very much for the kind things that you said, I really appreicate that!
And for sharing how you are handling STBX...that's the way it was last night...if it remains that way, I can handle it...five minutes here and five minutes there when I HAVE to and I'll be good...
No, it's not a typo...I do only get the boys one weekend a month unless there is a 5th weekend, then it's mine!
POWS was requesting more time with the boys, and because sometimes he works so late in the afternoons and because the boys have religion and tutoring, I felt it would be better for them to keep a routine during the week...
That way I can keep them on track with homework, baths, and bed on time...
Another thing I'm going to have to work on is WHEN I DO hear something about POWS, not getting worked up about it! Well, not worked up, that's not it...just to let it go and not think about it...
It's been confirmed that he is back with the OW (the busdriver)that he cheated on me with and then, he's cheating on her...
It just makes me want to tell her should I ever see her face to face...
but then, there's really no point to it...she'll have to learn on her own I guess...what is gross to me is that she could be his mother...
Not that you need advice, you seem to be handling your sitch very well.....However, since you asked, co-parenting is tricky with someone who has a history of abusing you. Be cautious. My abuse advocate gave me some really good advice about this when we had our first court hearing. She was nice enough to accompany me to the hearing and helped set up boudaries that would protect me from WXH's controlling abusive behavior. Keep contact to a minimum as BC said. If you set the precedence of only speaking to him about matters that involve the children, hopefully that will minimize the conflict. Be clear that anything outside of that is unacceptable.
Keep your guard up. POWS is going to make it appear that he agrees with everything now and until the D is final. After that, he may try and push the boudaries of the agreement once he is out of the courtroom spotlight. Keep pick ups and drop offs at your daycare provider. That keeps the conflict away from your home and provides you a witness if POWS tries to pull any funny business. Setting these boundaries now lets POWS know that he cannot use your children to control and intimidate you.
One thing that WXH has done is talk to our neighbors to try and keep tabs on me. I found this out last week when my neighbor across the street stopped by to ask about buying my second car. Apparently, WXH has been stopping by and interrogating my neighbor about me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> With POWS close relationship with your neighbors I would be careful.
You are doing great! I was so glad to hear about you getting back in the house. Is that part of a temporary agreement, or one that could be more permanent? You should have a "house warming" to welcome yourselves back to the home once you have moved back in. That would be fun!
Hi, LL...I have a question to ask you offline...can you email me please, it's in my profile...
I really appreicate you sharing your stuff with me...I know I will have to watch out for the HNs...
This is temp, but could turn out perm..I have a feeling that it will become more perm...especially with my MIL kind of on my side...
I have also thought about a house warming party...I want to get some security in place before that...and some repairs...but I am looking forward to inviting all my friends over and "let the HNs, talk!" LMAO Who cares???? LMAO
I'm sure that they will be talking REAL SOON with the guys I have coming over to help with the repairs on the house!
I love the idea of a housewarming party! It's on MY list of things to do myself! Just not ready yet. Am working on getting home office setup as my #1 right now.
Don't you love being able to make REAL plans?? Am so happy for you.
like painting, no one to tell me that they don't like the color...or I don't want you to paint over that, I like it...even thought I HATE it!
No one saying I'll do it and it doesn't get done...if it doesn't get done now it's my fault...
If I want to have friends over, I can...LMAO...not like I had any before to do that...LMAO...
I'm looking forward to the garage door and opener, I'll have fun with that!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Also, POWS never finished the trim work around the new doors that we put like a year or so ago...so I'm having that finished too...
I'm not going to do anything that would add value to the house until I know that it's mine for sure then I'm going to work on the counters in the kitchen, a bathroom remodel and some others things that i would love to do!!!
Strivin, Congratulations on all the recent developments! I've been keeping you in prayer this last week with all this going on, and still check in from time to time. You continue to amaze me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
And I won't take those 17 years' differnece remarks personally; even our kids say our age difference is wierd, ah well <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
AH HA! My tunk has been packed since last. Sat. I don't have a lot left at the Spon. house, but it will require another trip. Spon. will be leaving on a trip to Michagan this Thurs., so it will be me and the kids.
We can move back in Sun. @ 8am...I already that boxes to pack up POWS stuff...BC will be meeting us at the house after church to help me figure out where to put up the security lights...Then, I will have my guy install them...
I plan to go put up my bedroom paint today while F's at tutoring...My Aunt said that she would help me with that...
I still haven't figured out what I want to do with my bathroom...the tile is PINK!!! I found out that there a primer that I can apply on top to paint over the color but I haven't figured out what color I want in there yet...
The garage door and opener will be installed ASAP, then I'll get my guy to fix the crack in the sewage line, so I don't lose my pest control contract...THAT was suppose to be done last OCt.
I plan to get in the house as fast as I can then I can work around the cleaning, packing his stuff...I just want to be home!!!! I have a few more friends that I plan to call to help out with painting...the whole house will be painted ASAP...Living room, dining room, kitchen...
I talked about paint with the boys and they want to pick out their colors...Spon. told the boys that she would help them paint...So I'm leaving that to her...She'll be back next week...
I also picked out a color to stain the concrete, but that's on the bottom of the list...I want the inside comfortable...calm...relaxing...I will also probably change the furniture around...in time I will get new furniture...I hate the Sofa and loveseat that we have now...I hated the pattern when we got it, but it was a POWS thing...
I've thought about doing that rent to own stuff on the furniture until I got this other stuff straighten out...maybe rent a mini storage to house POWS stuff...I'm more than happy to pay the fee to get him out of my life!
The boys have also been instructed that they will have to go through their stuff and donate some to the rummage sale...
By the time I'm finished I'll be getting a BIG tax right off!!! LMAO
So, that's what I have in mind right now...POWs said that if he was going to be out before then he would let me know, but I'm not counting on moving in until Sun.
BTW, I wrote my MIL a email yesterday:
Quote
I just wanted to tell you that I hope that we can figure out some way to remain close...I would hate to lose you completely because of this...and you are more than welcome to call and talk to the kids anytime as I've already told mr. H...
My lawyer suggested that I write her b/c we both of each other so highly...no reply yet...same with the last two emails that I wrote...so, I have to let that go...I did my part...
Well, let me get started this morning, I have a bus problem that i had to take care of with F this morning...Oh, and F's grades are coming up!!! I'm so excited, he's doing much better, and today's the first REAL TUTORING day...he didn't have it last week adn the week before that was orientation...I'm not asking, just accepting and rewarding him for it!!
HN is horrible neighbor, and POWS is piece os SH!! wayward spouse...LMAO
My mom is 53 and my SD is 68...is was always WIERD to ME...LMAO
And I have to say that I am grateful for everything that I have been through in my life...I am a better person b/c of it today! My thought was always that my job as a parent was to do better for my kids than what was done for me...to learn from my parent's mistakes...
LMAO...so far so good! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Next you will be burping, grunting and farting while playing with your power tools.
LMAO...Is there another way?
LG, one of my favorite shows growing up was Tim Allen's!!!!
I would walk around grunting just like him!!
NOW you ALL know HOW much I love my TOOLS!!!
I lined up some more people to come over and help...that is if they can get away...I'm looking forward to it! There's lots to do, cleaning, cutting the grass, packing POWS stuff...I can find something for anyone who wants to joint in...LMAO
I guess that depends on what kind of POWER TOOLS she is playing with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Don't commit to a color yet. Ask for samples and throw them up on the wall and wait a week. It looks funny having a couple different colors up there but it gives you an idea of what the color looks like.
In high school I worked for a painter and the number one complaint was it looks different on the wall in that room then I thought it would. The guy I worked for had the customer sign off that the color we were putting up was the color they wanted.
In a very lighted store a dark looks lighter then it does in a darker room.
Grab a couple samples Lowes givea them free. I usually suggest the color you like the next shade up and down. That way you can see them at all times of the day too.
The color that looks great during the day could look like a product of a babies diaper at dusk.
Rin, I am just so happy for you. I am getting ready to 'do' my bedroom soon too. I am looking forward to the change. I really do like working on my house.
I finished the tile work in the bathroom; it's a slate shower and floor (12"x12" tiles), and PWC laid the threshold, so I can mark that off of my list. Next is the bedroom, then our computer room. Hopefully, we'll get to look into new hardwoods for the downstairs. I would love to have new floors.
LMAO...me and my Typos...LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Thanks PM! Let's see anyone have some "JOINT" compound?
Something for "DRYWALL"?
SL- Heck, I want to help out at your house, sounds like you're having some fun too!
I have so many ideas and thoughts about what "I" can do...
Let's see t-minus................2 DAYS!!! HURRRAAYYYY! LMAO
I don't expect to get in the house any earlier that Sunday...
BTW, I do want to say that I am not happy with the visitation schedule but I have to accept it...there were a few things that have come up with weekends, and then I thought about the summer and it does bother me...
So, I'm going to have to work on that...I was able to work out the problem with the weekend but my mind went to:
"Who's going to keep the kids while he's at work?"
Then, I thought, that is not your problem, plus, it's in the future...it's not today!!
So, I stopped that line of thought...
Oh, SL...when/if the house does become mine and only mine, I have plenty of things that I will be doing...complete kids bathroom remodel...kitchen counter tops changed out...I will make a space for my dryer INSIDE the house...add central AC/heat (only have heat now)...
I've got plenty of things to add to the value of it! Lots of dreams and hopes for the future!!
Yeah, I was advised, while separated, to keep upgrades to a minimum, as I wouldn't see that money if we had to sell the house, so I did stuff that was fairly inexpensive. I laid carpet in a room myself, it was inexpensive stuff, rec room type carpet squares. We had already done most of the work on the bathroom, so I did the finishing touches.
The bedroom is going to cost probably around $200. I bought fabric for the wall behind my bed for ~$80. Bought a staple gun (does square, round and brad nails, too) which was about $40. Next, I will need to purchase some fabric for curtians and curtain rods. Paint will be in there somewhere, too, so may $250 all in.
We got central A/C a few years ago, and I'm happy with it. I'm sure it would be nice for you to not have to deal with the elements when drying your clothes (as well as keeping your undies out of sight <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />).
I enjoy making my house over. It's my hobby, I guess.
Frog- Gasp! I think someone has found his calling... as a porn-movie title maker upper! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Rin- I envy your enthusiasm... I tend to think about all that I want to do, but then when it comes down to it, I don't have time, or I lose motivation. BTW- the colors that you chose seem very nice! Good luck this weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
LMAO...Hey SL, I like the Hammin Honeys...we could have a show on the Men's channel and teach them how to fix up the house!!!
Sadmo- Only YOU would think of that...I'm in love with my colors...a beautiful chochlate brown, with two shades of green, moss like, and a silver/white trim...when I look into the bathroom, there will be a red wall...I'm looking forward to doing a fw red walls in teh house...
I decided on a mushroom color for the dining room, white trim and MAYBE a red wall in there...kitchen will be a green color, hard to explain that one, cabinets white...a friend and I even talked about doing some colorwash with some of the walls...I guess we'll figure that out when we get there...
BUT like I said, first things first...POWS is being removed from the bedroom, new sheets that HE'S never slept on...I want to scent on him around...none of his stuff...it's going to be a pure RIN ZONE!!! LMAO
I've even picked up some pictures for the walls since I've been gone...L will be moving into the spare room, which was F's room before we left...but F wants the other room, and L agreed...L's room is already painted a blue, so all I have to do in there is finish the trim work...F's room has already been started with purple and Gold...OUR FAVORITE TEAM!!!! So, some finishing touches in there and we're done...
It's not really work to me, it's more like fun!! Especially when you have some good friends to help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Isn't there a show called Toolbelt Divas? They would do a spin off,,,,,,,,,,with Remodeling and Romance Advice. They have one toolbelt for remodeling and a different "toolbelt" for the romance?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />he he!
We need a catchy name for that,,,,,,,,,
Oh, I can not wait for you to sleep the first night back in your house!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
ME either BUGS...I just verified with my guy who's going to install the garage door and opener...he'll be there SUnday morning in measure and I'm sending him to the store with a check...so, by Sunday evening that will be done...
He works for our company, so I'm going to get him to do alot of the things that I won't have time to do...then, I can pay him a little at a time...LMAO...not like he can't find me...LMAO
POWS won't know what happened to the house when I'm finish with it...of course, it's not like I'm going to allow him inside...he can stand outside all that he wants when he drops off the kids on Sundays...MOF, I have no intentions of walking outside to greet him or talk to him...
As far as I'm concerned I'm sticking with PLan B and remaining as dark as I possible can...
We have that strom possibly coming in, they don't know what's it's going to do yet...so I won't get around to the yard fro a little while, but that's okay...I have lots of stuff to cut down that's overgrown...and the house probably needs to be pressure washed...I KNOW the concrete does...it looked horrible...probably hasn't been swept since I left...
I know it sounds like a lot to do, but I don't feel like it is...stuff I would normally do if I was there...and then I can always ask for help...something I did with POWS but rarely got it...
My Aunt's already talking about me helping her with her paint job when she's ready...and I don't mind...
Well, I found out some new info about POWS today...I wanted to explore my feelings on the subject and see what you guys had to say...
It appears that POWS is making the same mistakes with OW that he did with me...and I really think that it's a shame that HE doesn't see this...
I know that it's my inner child wishing that HE would see and not repeat his past mistakes...which of course, resulted in failure the first time...ME...
I WANT TO SAY something like: I wish you could see that you are repeating your past mistakes, and this is what you will be teaching your boys. BUT, I won't say anything, just b/c I want to doesn't mean that I will...
It's just VERY TOUGH to see and hear the downward spiral that he's on...from what I understand he's living with OW during the week...we moved into together really fast...he's letting her take his truck...I drove his truck at the time without a license and that was the vehicle that I learned on...plus, he's cheating on her...he cheated on me when we were dating too...
Now, I have no anger or resentment toward POWS for what he's doing/has done to his family...I will continue to teach the boys right from wrong...
MOF, yesterday on the way to get the boy's hair cut, F said something which resulted in a conversation about his dad and he said something about him going to cheat on OW2 with OW1...I had to tell him that his dad was cheating on OW1 with OW2...it was one of those things: IT IS WHAT IT IS...
F knows that his dad is seeing OW2, he didn't say anything after that...I know that F has told me that he will never cheat on his GF or DW...I pray that he holds to that...
But like I said "I WISH that POWS would see!" Not for me...and I've thought about asking "Is THIS the kind of morals YOU want to teach your children, that's it's OKAY to break up your family?"
This subject is not something that is at the forefront of my thinking, and it doesn't depress me...I actually pray for POWS to see the errors of his ways, to become remorsful, and to make amends to those that his actions have hurt...I do not want revenge b/c revenge is not mine to be had...
And I do feel sorry for OW1 b/c he cheated on me with her, and perhaps somewhere in HER mind she has that "It won't happen to me!" syndrone...being 17 years older than POWS, he'll get tired of her...that's apparent, that he's seeing OW2...
Let's see, their Adultry started in/around the middle of 05' I believe...I didn't get NC during this time, well, not completely...at least once or twice a month was the lowest I could get it...so does this renewal start the process all over again according to Dr. harley...or is it still two years? Of course, POWS and I were together for 5 years before we married, and POWS will get tired of no overnights when the kids are no there...I'm sure that I will have to drag him back to court...being that he has already done this...
I don't know, these are just my thoughts and I think I needed to write them down...I feel for the boys...it's like they have been cast aside, like me...for what, an addiction, selfishness, denial, whatever...I just have to let them know how IMPORTANT they ARE, like I've had to learn about myself...teach them that their dad's choices are NOT a reflection of them or me...
I think that I have a pretty good handle on the subject, from my POV anyway...LMAO
I feel for you that you think it will affect your boys if they use their father as a role model.
You are a role model too. So just let them know, without judgement, that it is wrong. NO long explanation it is wrong.
They already see the consequences of thier fathers behaviour and if you continue to be the person you are they will realize what a loss it was for POWS and treat women with respect and dignity, becuase that is whay you demanded.
As far as OW is concenred. If you lay down with the dogs you will get fleas. She knew what she was getting herself into.
I believe that I AM a good remodel for the boys...it was rough for me to leave, just for me, but it was completely different when I thought about the boys...
I AM the lighthouse...I believe that they are seeing that their father is suffering some consequences...going from a nice house to living in a camper trailer, a throw back from teh 80's, at that...oh, course, if I was a kid I would think living in a camper was cool!
F mentioned something about his dad picking them up with the camper attached to his truck...Then I haven't mentioned to the kids that their dad has to sell the motorbike...I'll let him explain that one...that's no my stuff...but should F or L ask me about it, I'll say something to the effect that the judge told your dad he had to sell it to take care of the two of them...
When I look back to when POWS and I got together I can see that I was needy, clingy, and thought he was my savior...today I am not those things...today, he got the better deal out of our relationship, I was his caretaker...he COULD NOT balance a checkbook, pay the bills and without having something turned off...no different then the last six months for him...
NSF charges...cable turned off...I INVESTED in him...it was a shame that I didn't see my worth sooner but I AM stronger today and will be aware in the future...
I don't NEED someone around me to make me feel like a person...or happy or loved...b/c I love myself and am happy with myself...crazy what 17 months can do to you...and that's from D-day...I was fighting his A months before that! Years before that begging for it just to be us...
No longer will I tolerate being mistreated...So I do hope that the boys SEE the person that I have become...
I have chosen to break the cycle...I'm moving forward each day...I have the opportunity to reinvent myself...that's a blessing...a whole new life...beginning today!
Do you have a right of first refusal clause in your custody orders? If not, maybe you should ask for it in the permanent orders. That way if he needs a "sitter" when he's working, you get first option instead of him dumping them off on whichever OW he's with at the time.
You have such a fine line to walk with your kids ... it's hard to let them know that things that their dad is doing are not right, without badmouthing him. I'm glad that F feels open enough to talk to you. It's not always easy to have that kind of openness, especially when you have to be the primary day-to-day homework and chores and school disciplinarian. Way impressive that you've been able to keep those lines of communication open with him -- good job!
I think I'd refrain from getting into details about his dad's A's, though (or whatever other opinions you have of his dad's actions), if you can help it. IMO, it doesn't really matter which OW he is cheating on which OW with -- they're both OW since you're still married. I think I'd stick to "how do you feel about that?" questions and the general message that it's not ok for anyone to cheat on anyone, because it destroys families and hurts people.
Too much digging into specific details is really just mud slinging and opening a door for he-said, she-said types of battles. (Can't you just imagine your STBX's reaction when F says "mom says you are cheating on OW1 with OW2..."?).
It's hard to find that middle ground between keeping things open, so you'll hear about it when something really goes wrong, and getting into the muck with STBX. Might be hard for your DS to figure out that difference, too. Especially if he gets attention and reactions out of you (or out of STBX) when he "tells on" STBX (or you).
And I agree, you have been a great role model for your boys. You're a great mom!
Love the plans for the house. The colors sound beautiful!
Do you guys have a final hearing coming up now that the temp stuff is figured out?
I hear what you are saying about STBX and F and how to tlak about those kinds of things...I think the best things I've learn of late is so keep my mouth shut on certain things...LMAO...still needs work but I'm getting better...
I do try to keep those conversation VERY short and to the point...
Thank you for the compliments...I've had to learn to be humble AND accepting of those...now I believe them, another change...
Final hearing...six months away...no date or anything still waiting for the custody papers to be wrote up from the judgement last Friday...I do have plans to have first right of refusal, NO overnight with the opposite sex (until Jan 1st 2009, I'm thinking), and no drugs around the kids...I thought about alcohol too but that's too hard for even me to comply with...
We still have to work out the holiday schedule that was not done in court...so I guess I'll call my Attorney next week and talk to them...
So, you want to come help paint too? LMAO... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> There's plenty to do!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You can pick your favorite color and I'll give you a room! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
think my mom pounded that in to me in a general sort of way.
Do you remember the kinds of things that she would say?
I'll tell you what that just gave me a ne perspective on my mom Ding my dad when I was three. I've heard all kinds of stories, mostly bad, that my mom cheated on my dad and that's why she left, but I really didn't think that was true b/c of her history with my SD...
My dad was the one that ran around I think, of course, I have no proof...
I'll tell you this, not matter how chaotic home life was with my mom and SD, I would have chosen that one over living with my dad...I'm am grateful for not living with him...
I loved my step mom but she isn't half the woman my mom is.
Ah...that's something I can REALLY relate to...
Well, I talked to POWS a little while ago...tlaked about a camper site that he was looking at, apparently the water there is contaminated and he was not aware of it, so he said that he would be looking for something else becasue that can affect the kids...
There was a lawsuit and the victims who were getting sick were paid, but the water problem was never taken care of...apparently the lawsuit stopped at that point...
He thought it was his weekend, and he will be callinga gain to set up a meeting with our lawyer and us to talk about holidays...I had to explain the first right of refusal to him...he was thinkign that during the summer he would continue to use the same sitter that we have had all along...so that's a good thing...he said that his schedule is more flexible now, so on the weeks that he has the kids he will go into work later...
He said the only thing that he had to get out of the house right now is his guns...and we talked about the locks...apparently the locks were changed but there aren't now...that my key will work...
Well, I will not be giving him the opportunity to walk into the house...you can bet on that...new locks are in my car waiting to be changed...
Anyway, I told him that as I understood it the new schedule didn't start until Oct. He was find with that...next weekend I have a painting class to go to...
So, all in all in was a civil conversation...I have to change the gas and cable into my name...no arrears check this week like he said but I wasn't expecting it to begin with...just like him moving out early...
Hey, I'm getting better at this stuff with him...kind of like my HS, HB, SM, and dad...I see it when I see it kind of thing...
Anyway, I'm taking the kids to go see Surf's Up here in a little while...I figured Sat. night we can rent movies and veg out our last night here! Popcorn, candy, cookies, whatever we want, make it an awesome night...
Oh, POWS informed me that my swing was shredded to pieces by my dog...so somewhere down the line I will have to replace that too...no biggie, it was an Anniversity present from him on Valentine's, the same morning that he took a rose out of some flowers that another friend had sent to us to give to other woman...the same swing I cried on ALL D-day night...so she actually did me a favor!!! LMAO...
And I will be replacing stuff like that as I go, should something pop up, a trigger but I really don't foresee any...
I did stop by a thrift store today just to see what they had and found a BEAUTIFUL STATUE OF A WOMAN on a black base and she's a bright silver...flowing...and I thought "THat's ME NOW!" So I got it, a little house warming present to myself!!
Well, let me try to get these kids to eat so we can go! I'll be back on later...
Hey, I'm getting better at this stuff with him...kind of like my HS, HB, SM, and dad...I see it when I see it kind of thing...
Good for you!
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I did stop by a thrift store today just to see what they had and found a BEAUTIFUL STATUE OF A WOMAN on a black base and she's a bright silver...flowing...and I thought "THat's ME NOW!" So I got it, a little house warming present to myself!!
MAAHHH-Ve-LOUS!! THAT kind of purchase is in the TRUE nature of a Goddess. Buying yourself something to visually remind you of your Goddess Nature. PERFECT!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
HEY BUGS!!! THank you so much! I really am happy with her...she's still in the car wrapped up and I'm so in love with her...
I am having a little struggle that I'm trying to nip in the bud...having talked with POWS has my mind thinking of all kinds of things...
I walked outside this morning and my thoughts have been on him since last night...I had to tell myself that I can change the past...
I guess it's still part of the grieving process because it comes and goes...feeling a little sad...the "wishing things were different"...wondering if he's changed, well, I know he's changed some...
I think it's still part of accepting my current life without him as a major part...perhaps a small amount of fear of the future and finding someone to truely love me the way I need to be loved...grieving the familiar, what was, the good parts...
These feelings are the reason that I choice not to talk to him but then I wonder at the same time that which this choice am I avoiding the grieving process or am I just protecting myself from more hurt...it's hard to figure out...
Like I've mentioned before I want to be as dark as I can in Plan B, I like my darkness, but with kids you can't remain that way...you have to be a turtle and poke your head out from time to time...Then, there's clearing up other matters too that have to be done with the two of us...
I can wish things were different all I want the reality is that I will continue to do what I'm doing and go on with my life...even by myself I don't feel as lonely as I did when I was home with POWS...
How can you feel so lonely when that person is laying next to you or is in the same room as you? I didn't understand that, I thought once that it was because I was emotionally abandonded...
Those are the kinds of things that I remind myself of when I talk to him and my mind wants to change the past...wish for somethign different...I have to remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing...
But like I said am I avoiding the grieving process or protecting myself?
There's SOOO many things that I wish I could tell him, but my words didn't do anything in the past and I can't imagine them doing anything in the future...I think that's when I need to write it all down, that way I'm at least getting it out...instead of stuffing...
I think I understand why there has to be NC for life...b/c I wonder if this is part of the withdrawal too...I did good in the conversation with POWS but it's the after...
So...LMAO...I'm trying to figure out things to keep ME busy today!!!! I have some more packing to do, but the car trunk is full and I have to have room for those darn kids...LMAO...I imagine I'll have to make another trip to get all of our stuff out...
F said last night that he can't wait to be home, I said me too!!! So we are all ready!!!
Oh, if anyone has any ideas on how to do this holiday schedule I would appreciate it...
Well, let me find something to busy myself to make the day go by faster!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I am SURE you will have no problem finding things to keep you busy. Just trying to keep one's MIND completely occupied sometimes is the harder struggle.
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There's SOOO many things that I wish I could tell him, but my words didn't do anything in the past and I can't imagine them doing anything in the future...I think that's when I need to write it all down, that way I'm at least getting it out...instead of stuffing...
I TOTALLY understand what you are saying! It's good to get it out in a constructive way for yourself, so keep on writing it down.
Perhaps someday, you will be able to say some of this to POWS. I think about that. My family says all of the time about "the day when you & Drac can talk. When this is behind you". Well right now, it is hard to imagine that day ever coming, but I think that it will,,,,,,,eventually.
I think this wondering, thinking about what COULD have been different is totally and completely normal right now. This is another HUGE life change for you. Of course you are going to think about it all.
Despite all of the horrible things our WHs have done, these are men that we loved and still do each in our own way. We promised forever with them and for us, we truly meant it. Moving on has it's stages. Allow yourself all that comes with each of those stages for you.
Evaluating, talking here, working through it continues to be part of our journey for our self recovery. YOU, my dear, are doing GREAT!
Have a Great day!!
WHERE are you putting the Goddess in the house? Do you have a special place of honor picked out for her?
I think that I will call her Venus...I'm a Libra, and I am ruled by Venus the Goddress fo Love...She can be my reminder that I need to love myself and take care of me before I do for others...
That's kind of what got me to the place that I am today...giving myself away...
I'm not sure if I want to put her in my room, perhaps the best place, so that I can get dressed every day and do it Goddress style! LMAO...Yep, I think she'll live in there!! She will be a nice assest to the tiny silver detail in my silk comforter...
I also, can't imagine the day that this will be behind me and POWS...I do know that he was headed to blame me yesterday for something when we were talking about the locks on the doors and he stopped and said "Let's not go there!" ANd that was the end of that...I was like WOW...
Anyway, I do love him in my own special way, not everything was bad, it was getting pretty horrible at the end, and I wish alots of things like MC and IC...but that was about him and not me...
I think that was the hardest part to learn when I got there was everything that he was doing was not ABOUT ME but about him and whatever he was feeling, thinking, believing...I took SOOO much personal and I think we all do...the enmeshment, the co-dependency...
I really don't think that I "GOT IT" until I was out of the picture and sometimes I think what if I would have got it when we were still together, would that have made a difference? I grew alot while I was at home, but thinkign back much of my growth came after...faceing my fear, learning that POWS' threats were just that, learning when my inner child was screaming to be heard, facing my feelings, etc...
Spon. says that she can see a huge difference in the kids and I from when we got here until present day...how we interact...having more fun with each other...talking...
Anyway, I finished packing our room, and I will have to make more than one trip...I'll probably sneak over here during my lunch break this week and wipe everythign down, vaccum, etc...I went to the store this morning and got a few things that I needed to replace before we return home...
SPon. has become more than a SPon...a friend and mother(she my mom's age!)...she cried after court...she'll have some grieving to do herself...they will ahve the house back to themselves and she has said that she doesn't know what she'll do with the house beign soo quiet...
So there's plenty room for everyone to adjust to the changes...
Well, Bugs, it's good to knwo that I'll not alone in my thinking that this could be part of the process...I really don't see how I could ever not love POWS in some way b/c of those beautiful, intelligent, wonderful cretures that God gifted to me! They are so loving, wanting hugs, and kisses all the time! Which of course, unless I just punished them AM MORE THAN WILLING to give to them...
They keep me going...they are my inspiration!
Thanks BUGS, I apprecaite your post...my heart is filled with love, compassion, and understanding...hope...
Just have to keep POWS stuff separate from mine now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Rin- You sound so happy, so alive.... so GOOD! And that is WONDERFUL!
I know what you mean. You wish you could tell them things, and BAM! a lightbulb would go off over their heads... but it is not that simple. IF they ever want to acknowledge how they have affected everyone... that is one thing. But most likely they do not want to know, or do not want to know.
It really sounds like you have grown by leaps and bounds... you should be proud!
THanks Sadmo! I do think that I have grown tremendously!
As you can tell, I can't sleep! LMAO...I'm like a kid on teh first day of school...ALL excited and I was trying to sleep but it just wasn't coming!! LMAO
I was thinking about taking things down off the walls, and I want to do this and I have to move this, and where should the TV go...I can build this in the closet for organizing my clothes...and it would be less expensive if I built it than bought it...should I paint the trim and the tile the same color...what about L's room?...LMAO
MY list goes on and on...then I was think I wonder if he's there now...I could sneak over and see, the kids would be fine b/c of SPon...what about my dog...no one's really loved her or trained her since I left...how am I going to get her back in the house (HE has let her live outside!!!)...Boy, she's going to need some work...
LMAO...KID AT CHRISTMAS I TELL YOU!!!!
So many thoughts and I just want to jump on it...I've already planned to take this coming Thurs. off to work around the house...a friend of mine is off that day also...LMAO...probably should take more time than that with how excited I am, but that will have to do...not like the house is going to walk off...
I talked to my mom tonight...LMAO...she said that she would just have to send me a gift card this year for my birthday so I could accessorize the house...LMAO...I said that sounded great to me! OW, I hope my plants are still alive!!
I am a sling shot right now, pulled back and ready to go...not like I can do a whole lot RIGHT NOW, with everyone sleeping...I don't even know if I have internet at home...it would be nice, that way I could write and let you know what was accomplished today!!
Oh, I get to love on my dog...GO-GO's her name...short for Lady Godiva...she was found in a dumpster for you newbies...A lady went diving in the dumpster to get her...get it...Lady GOdiva!! She's a beautiful black with white tip paws....floppy ears and she use to love laying on my feet when I sat on the sofa...she'll be a year in Nov., we think...well, from what the vet had said...So I counted it back and I picked Nov. 4th...she'll get ice cream for her birthday...
Kids will not have to go to the sitter's in teh morning anymore, I work like three minutes (b/c of red lights) from home...the kids are RIGHT there within five minutes...
I'm the pick me kid....you know the one who knows the answer and has his arm in the air yelling pick ME!!! or OWE, OWE, OWE!!
Oh, we all enjoyed our movie night...watch Firehouse DOG, really great kid's show, and Eragon...I rented another called Conversations with GOD, that sounds awesome...I realy want to watch it so I'm saving it for tonight...that way I HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF SIT DOWN!!!
I have washed all of our clothes so that one less thing I have to do, but I will have to wash my sheets for my bed...no biggie...
Okay...4 hours to the alarm clock goes off and both of the kids are swearing that they will be up before then!!! I'll let you know on that one too! LMAO...I'm not tired yet, but I'm going to go try...I'm looking forward to a wonderful cup of coffee in my house in the morning!! Hoping that everything's there to make it!! LMAO...
I got a vmail from Rin today - she was extremely upset that POWS had taken most if not all of her tools and various other things from the house. He was only supposed to take his personal belongings.
She was quite distraught, but making the best of the situation. At least she and the kids are home.
Project Restore Rin's House is officially underway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Welcome home! Glad that you and the boys are finally back in your own space. I bet it will take some getting used to, all sleeping in your own rooms and beds again!
Hope you had a great first night home. Frustrating about the tools and things -- any chance he might have sold or pawned them over the last several months, when he was having $$ problems? That would be my guess, over him taking the time to pack them up and move them into a trailer. Who knows. The lawyers will have to hash that all out -- hopefully that's all stuff you had on your video that you took of the condition of the house?
Hi everyone...I got one of the first computers every to run after some work...LMAO...
I'm trying to make light of the sitch...pretty much everything in the home is here...but POWS hit me where he knew it would hurt...ALL of the TOOLS....I've found a screw drive or hammer here and there but he didn't even leave nails, screws, or washers...the shred is EMPTY...
I'm calling my lawyer tomorrow, b/c I understood that he was only to take his personal things...
THen, he took ALL but one photo album of the kids...THAT'S WHEN I Broke down and couldn't handle it...when I saw they were missing...
My room has paint on the walls, needs to be trimmed out...the bathroom has one coat on it...my bedroom is in order for the most part...
No running water tonight, sewage problem was being fixed and we developed a water line problem...so we went back to SPon. house to take baths...
Heck, I'm surprised I have interent and I could get this computer to run...
GOGO's doing wonderful...I'm really surprised at her behavior...we'll see how she does tonight sleeping in my room...the house is a war zone...THE YARD is worst...I talked to my undcle and he has someone that cuts his grass and I told him I just need someone to come in and do a really good job and then I can handle it from there...
POWS left the lawnmower but took the weedeater and pretty much everything else...he left my router and my sander...generator, ladders, tablesaw, skill saw, jigsaw...
So, my birthday is coming up and that's ALL I want for my birthday...TOOLS or giftcards to get them...
I couldn't install the garage door besides there's nothing to secure anyway...I did change the locks today and had to borrow my uncle drill...a friend came over and she stopped and brought me a hammer, a screw driver, a pair od pliers, and a pair of needlenose pliers...
F saw everything gone and said several times that he hates his dad...he's very angry with him...POWS took their bikes and their playstation...My cousin bought over a dresser that he had to replace one of the boy's because both of their is broke...
I moved POWS dresser out of my room and into L's room...he can use it...
My aunt sent me to the store to get a specail paint for the bathroom tile to prime it and I broke down and SOBBED all the way there, collected myself to go into the store and SOBBED all the way back...
My uncle came over and finshed framing the front door, but POWS took the latches that were to secure them, so I'll pick up some more tomorrow, I have to return soem stuff anyway...
My uncle will finish framing the back door, i think tomorrow when I get teh right stuff...and the plumbing should be finished...
I felt beat down...
ANyway, the good news is that POWS didn't take a single manuel from my filing cabinet so I can track the tools and stuff that we had...air compressor, nail guns, finishing guns...so that will help me...I figure it's something like 10 to 15K...
My dad had given me some of my tools and he took those too...ladders...
Anyway, I'll get over it...I'll replace them...I'll fight for them in court...I have wonderful friends and family that showed up...BC THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF ME HEART FOR STOPPING BY...I know you couldn't stay long but it meant the world to me!!! YOU are A GREAT FRIEND TO HAVE...PBS, YOU TOO MAN...THANKS FOR LISTENING...
JOHNSTWIN, got your email and I will write you back...THANK YOU SO MUCH...THE SUPPORT IS SOOOO NEEDED RIGHT NOW...
I didn't think that coming home would ever be like this!!! I can do it, a little work, and determination, and one day at a time...
I'm a fighter and I'm not about to stop now...I have always said that "they" can kick me, knock me down, but I will rise but I will NOT let "them" win...I started saying that with my SD when I was little...determined to succeed against the odds...
and here I am again...this time it's not just for me!!!
Well, I guess I better try to calm down and get some rest...first night sleeping by myself and L wante to sleep with me but I said no...
Momma's got a date with her pillows, silk comforter, and a wonderful memory foam mattress pad...oh, how I've missed my bed...
Good night...everyone...
OH, Hi AmI, my cousin saw him with teh truck and utility trailer LOADED down a few days ago...it's a matter of what's mine is his and what's his is his...I own nothing in his eyes...I contributed nothing...HE did everything attitude...
THANK YOU SOSOOOOOO MUCH FOR STOPPING in and posting...I really need some support...it took the tools of my talent...remember my remodel on teh garage!!! Best work I did in my eyes...working on my house or with wood is NOT work to me...it's pleasure...
Rin, just keep looking back at how far you have come. This is a setback, and an emotional one, but look how well you are coping and pulling together the resources to recover from it.
You will be great. You may feel down right now, but you are on your way, my friend!
Honey I am so sorry that you have had to deal with more of the POWS's B***s**t!
Yet, you are IN the house. It's all going to come together in time. With the exception of the pictures, which I am praying will be returned quickly, it's all just STUFF. He just wanted to hurt you and unfortunately, he did. That's OK.
Chin up. I LOVE how stupid he was to leave all of the documentation that you needed to prove what was there! Silly POWS. What slays me is how he continues to be cruel to the boys. Taking their stuff is beyond childish. What an a$$. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
Think of this though,,,,if everything had been GREAT,,,if the house were in perfect condition just as you had left it, you may have spent your first night back there feeling the emptiness and perhaps missing his presence in what was your home together. This way, as hard as it is, THAT is not happened! Just like my signing the D papers the other day - it was Better for me to have a reason to be angry vs just being sad.
Hang in there. You are so darn strong now. You are entitled to your tears, to your frustration, but you are a fighter. You will be just fine. Sounds like you have great support to help you through.
Somehow deep down you knew something like this was going to happen.
One of my Dad's favorite sayings was "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."
He got the tools and get this "He got to keep some power over you and your emotions".
I would call my Lawyer like you said you would have him contact POWS lawyer and say "my client does not want to spend thousands of dollars fighting over this. She will buy new tools to replace what STBX took and add it to the final divorce. Tell your client thank you because my Client will enjoy the NEW stuff and he can keep the old. He has until 1pm on saturday to drop it off."
EZ peazy lemon squezy.
Rin until it is done and over with you will be dealing with this. If not the tools then the kids etc.
YOU CANNOT continue to let his childish behavior effect you.
You don't need TOOLS to create a HOME you just need LOVE.
I have kept abreast of your sitch and you have and are doing great!!! I read the post above about the tools, photos, etc....and thought I might add something.
You POWS EX is a classic control freak. It peeves him to no end that you have "won" (we all know nobody won, but to him you did). He intends on somehow "getting at you" about whatever he can. The way you make a believer out of people like him is simple consistency and repurcussion/consequences for bad actions. Never tell him something that you don't intend to do. In other words don't threaten him...If you tell him that you are taking him to court for the tools, photos then the day after have a summons served to him. Make a believer out of him and he will quit with the BS.
Sorry I haven't been keeping up with you lately. My dsl has been on and off the past week, hopefully it stays on this time. Don't fret about that stuff he took from the house. That will be dealt with in court. If he fails to return items that are determined to be yours or that you receive in the divorce settlement he will face contempt of court.
My XWH did the same thing to me. He broke into our home while I was at work at took what he wanted, including our iMac G5 computer with all my pictures and work items on it and DD2's baby book and other personal sentimental items. He took what he knew would hurt me the most. I cried and cried when I saw he took DD2's baby photos and the camcorder with the recording of her and I at the hospital after she was born. I demanded that those items be returned to me in the divorce decree and he agreed to do it. I am due to get them back any day now.
Keep your head up. God will provide a way for you to make the improvements to your home. Hopeandpray is right. Show him what you are made of.
Hi, This has been the worst day...my coworker went off on me, had to bring L to the doctor, talked to MIL...the boy's are getting there bikes back...
I faxed a three pages list of things POWS took from the house, my boss called me into the office after my coworker went off on me, she was send home...not more MB during the day...no water again tonight, it's rained all day, i haven't gotten to the grocery store so we are finding what we can...
Conversation with MIL was not good...I told her I was checking into where POWS was in contempt of court...she said that it wouldn't be because he was to take his personal belonging, and said that I had taken stuff from the house too...so much for my lawyer's idea about talking to MIL and her being the voice of reason...THIS One I didn't expect to go well anyway...I got what I expected on that one...
I called the electric company to tell them about my street light being out, and the phone company about the home phone...
So, I got some things done...MIL called F at school and talked to him saying that his dad would return the bikes to HN2 house...I told her about L gets tonsitis one more time in the next month and a half and he gets surgery...
Anyway, F and I are sharing our stuff with each other tonight...L been napping since I picked him up at school, off and on...
Well, our make shift supper is done...
H&P- thank you so much for sharing that with my...
Some days I look into the mirror and I wonder who the heck is looking back at me. I don't see Frog the 38 year old father of 2 soon to be 3 in my minds EYE. I remember myself as the young Frog. LOL.
You still see your STBX as your H when things were good and those things creep in. Making this possible. It is normal.
Those things will change as you see more and more of this.
Don't lose the trusting part of Rin because of him. Lose the trusting part of Rin toward him.
I am sorry things went so bad today. It will get better.
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with so much just to be able to live in your house.
About teaching your boys right from wrong...
In my opinion...
Your STBXWH doesn't have respect for women or even really like them as people. To him, women are simply objects for him to use for as long as it suits him. Their feelings and well-being don't matter to him.
Teach your boys to respect women and people in general. Expose them to strong, moral women like yourself. Seize any opportunity to point out GOOD behaviors in men, and openly express your admiration for good, moral, Godly men.
Also, seize opportunities to discuss the bad behavior of people...whether in real life or on TV. Ask them what they think about it and let them know WHY such behavior is wrong.
Teach your sons to be champions of those whom they see being oppressed or treated badly. Show them the ways they can help...appropriately for their ages, of course.
You are already showing them that YOU are the parent on whom they can rely. YOU are the parent who makes sure their needs are met.
And, Rin, be watchful of your sons. Even though they may hate what their father has done/does, as they grow older, some of those behaviors may manifest in them, no matter how much they hate it. Nip such behaviors in the bud and make sure they are well-counselled. Continue to be a strong mother to your sons. They know you love them.
Frog, thanks for that perspective...this is exactly why I chose not to talk to him or deal with him...
LC, Thank you for your post too...
OS said something about all men being bad...I said no, not all men or bad...I told him that if he sees something that he doesn't like then he needs to do the opposite...so, I am having opportunity to talk to him...Frog and I talked about this the other day, I was doubting myself again...
He told me about how his mom taught him and I will look for using those moments to teach them...YS doesn't see or I don't think that he sees...he doesn't say stuff like OS does...
When OS said he hated his dad, YS repeated it, but I know that he was just coping...
My assignment for the night is to read on expectations, and a few other things, I can't remember what exactly Spon. said when she called...it was only an hour after my boss and I talked...after she left all I could do was sit there...she asked me if I still wanted to take Thurs. off and I said with what I'm feeling right now, I want to take the rest of the week off...
My co-worker told me to get off it...She said I see you faxing things to your lawyer, on the phone, blah, blah, blah, and that's when my boss walked in, they are sisters...
Good thing is that she doesn't come in tomorrow, so I wouldn't see her until Wed...
I tried to tell myself that this was about her and not me...I feel like I've been overstepped several times with her...
So anyway, I unpacked a few boxes tonight...OS was told that their bikes would be at HN2, he was excited saying that MIL said they would be there...I tried to tell him that what MIL says and what POWS does is not the same...but I let him call and find out for himself that they were not there...
I've been throwing away stuff...a garbage can went out today to the road, I ahve another one almost filled, and am working on another...some of my old clothes now, that I have nice ones, old shoes, the boy's broken drawers...broken ice chest...all the junk and trash...
I'm getting to see that the kids know I'm the parent to rely on...I'm having a rough time keeping up my spirits up...so I decided to take it really really slow tonight...not doing to much...a little here and a little there...
I'm sick and tired...at least I'm not sick and tired of being sick and tired...
I've cried so much today I had to take my contacts out b/c I couldn't see throguht them anymore...I'm doing the best I can right now and that just doesn't seem like enough...
Oh, bugs, I have the Goddess up on top of my dresser, she's beautiful against that chocolate brown...I put her next to some candle sticks...
okay, thinking positive, I am almost 51% through with this D...a 180 days to go...sounds SOOOO much better than 365!!!
WEll, let me see what esle I can get into...thanks for everyone's support...
You sound exhausted. And think about it...two weeks ago you were on pins and needles just waiting for the final word. Then an emotional high just anticipating the return home. Then you return home to a mountain of repairs and maintenence that need to be dealt with.
You've just taken a small, very understandable, and very temporary crash. You simply can't sustain that level of emotional intensity for that period of time. This is your mind and body telling you to cool it.
Take a breather, would you, woman? Be still. There is no urgency (okay, yeah, the plumbing is truly urgent, but much of the other stuff can just wait).
You are fine. The boys are fine. Let yourself cry. This is a great release for all of that leftover emotion. Cleansing the soul. Just give yourself a couple of days.
Hi SIS, then I'm right on task tonight...I haven't done much of anything and I'm cool with that...
Been sitting in the dining room a lot tonight...
I did sleep really good last night in my bed...onlt woke up twice...but today has been sooo long, boy's missed the bus, no water, had to call transportation to find out bus numbers, lawyer stuff, co-worker thing, L being sick and having to pick him up from school, dr. appt., meds pick up, twice I forgot mine, boss thing, too much for one day...
I have to admit that it's starting to look better around here...just put some things where they go...or should I said in the room there go...when I get around to that room, I get around to that room...LOL
I'm still trying to figure out everything that he took from inside the house...so far so good...the way I look at it is we have more than we've had int he past six months...
I haven't been to a meetin since last Tues. night, so I will be there tomorrow at noon...figure the other stuff I have to do can wait...
GOGO's in bed with OS IN THE TOP BUNK!!!! This should be interesting!!! She's really good for the most part...I ahve to get to the store and get her some stuff to chew on...tonight she had shreded a stuff animal, a sock, a football...STILL PUPPY...so I ahve to get her some more chew toys...she only has one left...OS said MOM she's still teething...I had to kind of grin at that one...
YS is still running a high fever but I FINALLY found some fever reducer to give him...he's sleeping on the sofa tonight...
I know that everyone keeps saying that it's just stuff that he took but that was pretty close to burning my books for me...NOT AS BAD AS D-day but it ranks...
:shrugging:
Like I told someone dear...you don't take an artist's paint brushes from them...I'll get over it, just like I have in the past...I can't wait for the day that we are truely D'ed and everything is separate...
Tonight I have been feelinga little fear, even thought the door locks are changed, I'm finding a tool or something here and there and I want to hide it, like I did my books after he burned them...like he'll come in and take the rest of what I have...
THe last thing I did last night was make sure that all the windows were locked...
HUm, I just found a socket sitting by my desk...what good fortune!
Well, I'm off to lay down...oh, the street light will be fixed this Thurs. and the home phone by the 3rd...
Morning...well, this morning was better...YS couldn't go to school so I brought him to the sitter and I called another old friend who use to cut grass...
he said that he doesn't do that anymore, but after explaining the sitch he said that he would, just to give him a few days since it rained the way it did here...
So, that's taken care of too! Hopefully, today we will have running water...things are coming together...
I slept pretty good again...only up twice and I was checking on YS...he seemed better this morning...he wanted to come to work with me but heck I don't want to be here after yesterday...
GOgo slept in the top bunk all night with OS, but he said this morning that she kept him up so that's not going to happen...and I had to write the teacher a note about homework and the sitch so hopefully, I helped him out today...I told him that was not going to happen again and I promised the teacher that I would work with him...
So many balls in the air right now...I have the grocery store on my agenda today, and bring OS to religion, YS will be coming to the store with me since he's sick...
I'm not in a rush for anything to be done right now...just trying to take it slow...what gets done gets done and the rest will have to wait!
WEll, I have a few minutes, so I'm going to get some coffee and see what needs to be done today...
I hope that everyone has a great day and your support is so helpful to me right now...Thank you all for that!!!
Yay for the new saw!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Sorry about the co-worker problems. This stuff is so consuming, I guess that could be hard for some people to understand.
Tell L to feel better, give him lots of hugs and lovin'! Everything else can wait a little while. Well, maybe everything but getting some water going in the house -- how's that coming along?
Hang in there, girl. You're one tough cookie. You lasted this long in one bedroom .... all this new stuff is a piece of cake after that!
We have water tonight...all except my mastertub...problem and he'll be back for that...
He JUST FINSIHED!!! So, we are good to go...
I had to return some stuff at the home improvement store and there was a drill on clearance!!! HURRAY FOR CLEARANCE!!!
12 volt, two batteries, belt clip!!!! WHOOO HOOOO!!
THen, OF COURSE, I HAD to HAVE bits to go with it and there was an AWESOME COMBO PACK...105 pieces, hole saw, spade bit, drill bits, phillip and flat bits, flexible shaft attachment...WOW BABY!!! Oh, and I got myself a measuring tape...
All those painting supplies that I didn't need came in handy!!!
So, we are on our way tonight...I will certainly enjoy a hot shower tonight...in MY house...with MY boys...
Shock is over and I'm moving on!!! POWS can kick my .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
L is feeling better and wanted to go to religion class tonight so I dropped the boys off and went grocery shopping for the few things that we didn't have...it was wonderful shopping without the kids...it was sooo much faster...
Oh, on Thurs, I'll be finishing my bedroom and if my friend and I have time will we finish the bathroom painting...
From there I plan to move into the living room which I already have my drapes for...WHOO HOO!!!
Oh, meeting was canceled at lunch so I took that time to get my plate renew and visited one of my friend when I was at the DMV...
All in all, it was a good day, no co-worker, she'll be abck tomorrow and then teh boss is calling us in her office to talk about it...WHATEVER!!! Personally, it was yesterday and I think that it should be dropped, the past is the past...
So, tomorrow, I will be cooking my first meal back in MY house...
Have I said MY house..Yes, yes, I did... LMAO
Tough cookie...you betcha! Well, I won't be doing much of nothing tonight as far as the house is concerned...I need to relax, enjoy all this space and the freedom to roam...
Morning!!! I really DID enjoy that shower...POWS changed the head and I'm loving it!!! WOW!
I did a little reading on Expectations last night...
I got into a size 4 this morning...LMAO...must be an irregular...LMAO...I was in a size 12 when I left...most of my clothes are 8's...and they fit good...
Watch out world, hot momma will be dating in the future...
WEll, let me go find my hairdryer and finish getting reday for work and get these boys together...LMAO...Hopefully they will catch the bus here this morning!!!
Rin...first of all...I am so happy you are back in your home. And a woman that handles tools! Be still my beating heart. If you want to, feel free to email me with a list of what tools you might need. I have a pile of things that I was going to sell in a yard sale....I do a lot of wood working/cabinet making and have so many duplicate tools. I will be happy to ship something out should your needs match any of my duplicates. Truly though...I hope the lawyers get your stuff back....it would not be uncommon for a judge to enter an order stating that he will need to replace everything he took. Anyway, congrats again. Welcome home!
WEll, it's been an extremely busy day...our bookkeeper's out and I'm having to take care of some of her job, then my co-worker apolozied to me this morning saying that she was out of line...
So, we're cool on that...no meeting like I thought...then, my co-worker which is suppose to be my assistant like to have had a melt down and started crying today...so I helped her with her job and got her up to task...b/c I'm off tomorrow...
Brought OS to tutoring and YS is going to be on the local Tv station @6pm, I have to met with OS's tutor about 30 minutes b/f that...so we should be home in time...
I'm helping YS with his homework...tons of it today since he missed school yesterday, but he's quick about it...
I worked on his room at lunch trying to remove POWS...it was the spare bedroom/relaoding room/OS room before we left...
This room's blue and YS wants the room blue, so he's getting the smaller room and OS is getting the bigger one...so, I'm trying to get YS's room in order...it's close to being clean...then it's on to OS room's so I can changed the beds from one room to the other...
I'm not looking forward to OS's room...TONS OF LEGOS!!!CLOTHES for the both of them...major destruction zone...
It's shaping up well...slowly but surely...if I was going to be home this weekend it would be well on it's way but I have a painting class to go to this weekend with my Aunt...
Beautiful flower with a black background...Sunday Spon will be comign over to check on me...
Tomorrow MY BEDROOM will be finished! HURRAY!!!! GO RIN! IT'S ALMOST YOUR B_DAY!!! :happy dancing:
Please feel free to join in!!! LOL
MEDC, shame you live so far away...I love working with wood!! I love fixing things!! I've worked on my car, taken things apart I've never worked on before and fixed it. MOF, I was two under the truck with my dad, chewing on his tools...he said that he would clean one off, get it to me, and then take the one that he needed...
I love getting dirty but I love being in Goddess mode too! LMAO
PM- watch out sweetie, I'm on my way...
Oh, called my Attorney's office today...para mentioned that he was out of the country Monday, but today I found out that he would be back until next Wed...she had to find out what he said first, b/c POWS's attorney was typing up the judgement, so she doesn't know...it's all good...
Para said that he would probably have to return the stuff, I said if not, he can keep it and I can go out and buy the new stuff and we can tack it on to the end...she laughed and said yea!
One way or another...Oh, before I went to work this morning, I got something to cut the weeds that were taller than the fence and the lower branches on the tree in the front...I could barely see down the street to see if the bus was coming...then, YS's bus passed him up, so I had to bring him to school!!! LMAO...We haven't got that bus since we moved back, that's okay I called and left a message witht he transportation department requesting that the driver stop here tomorrow! LMAO
It's amazing how little anxiety I have even when things are going completely wrong, like Sunday and Tuesday...
Well, I have to go pick up OS in a minute...I'll check in later!!
WEll, After tonight's plumbing fix, I have basically all new plumbing...my guy will be back to finish up some other stuff for me...
Got the water bill in today...it's about three months worth of the with the arrears...I wasn't surprised int he least...
WEll, I have really done some stuff tonight...cleaned out some stuff...it's coming together...starting to look up around here and then I have ALL day tomorrow to get some stuff done...
I've got boxes for POWS, boxes for rummage sale, and trash, and more trash...LMAO...
I had the water cooler picked up today...POWS didn't pay that bill either and of course, I was nice enough to give them his cell phone number to collect on it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
OH, I have great water pressure now! It's awesome!!! I called the pest control company today and they said that they would work with me...this was the whole reason behind fixing the plumbing, I was endanger of losing my contact...
This was suppose to be fixed last Oct...Home girl is making her way and doing JUST FINE!!!
Morning! Early Morning! I've been up for a while...I was dreaming about POWS and how decietful he is and I couldn't take it anymore...so I got up...
I wasn't going to do anything but I went to make the kids something to drink and the drink mix was bad so I started throwing stuff away...and boxing...
Figured there was no point in laying there and continuing to dream about him and the sitch, may as well use the time to my advantage...house is quiet and I'm off today anyway...
I can always take a nap after my friend leaves...
Still finding a tool or something useful here and there and I'm all about things having a home...one central location to find them...so I'm grouping everything together as I go and will straighten them out when I get to that part...
Sadmo-THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I noticed that co-worker has been emotional this week, so I wrote it off...figure something COULD be going on with her and her life...I try really hard to be considerate of OP but sometimes I think that's a weakness, b/c I do view things from OP perpective...well, try too! And I think that's a major downfall sometimes for me...
perhaps part of giving myself away...but then I think that I have to know my truth and stick to it...I allow myself to get hurt in this way...guess I have to remember it's about them and not about me...learn how to let it go more...
What can I say I'm a work in progress! Well, I guess I'm going to go sort through some more stuff and see what I can do...the kids will need to get up in a little while anyway...
Ahhh,,,the sweet success of having water! YIIPPEEE!!
Rin, enjoy your day off. Don't work yourself too hard. Remember, YOU aren't going anywhere & all of the 'stuff' to be done will be there when you get to it. That's a lesson I am still teaching to myself.
I am so happy for you that everything is finally coming together. You have grown into a beautiful and capable woman.... the next man (when the time is right) is going to be lucky to have you.
Dreams of WH's stink.... had a couple myself this week.
MEDC, shame you live so far away...I love working with wood!! I love fixing things!! I've worked on my car, taken things apart I've never worked on before and fixed it. MOF, I was two under the truck with my dad, chewing on his tools...he said that he would clean one off, get it to me, and then take the one that he needed...
I love getting dirty but I love being in Goddess mode too! LMAO
Yeah...I was thinking the same thing too! Gotta love a woman that can go from a tool belt to a little black dress!
You sound as though you are getting things in order.
As I said in my email...let me know how you want to handle this...I still think it would be best to give your ex the chance to return things within a week...and I would NOT wait for your lawyer to get back in town...a call to the judge's office is in order...they may turn around and call your H immediately.
MEDC
BTW..the story about you and your dad is priceless. Very cute.
Hi, Guys, thanks for the back up...today's been good, I got the trash out, cleaned some cabinets, finished the primary color in my room, finished painting the tile in teh abthroom, and two colors of red on two of the small walls in the bathroom...that still needs another coat, but it's coming together...
I swept out part of the garage and put POWS's stuff in there, PASSED the pest control inspection ANDDDDD they came fix my street light today...
I'm going to head out in a minute to a local art shop to get a mirror cut down to a beautiful frame that I found...get mirro, get frame...should be a inexpensive new something beautiful for me!!!
I may depending on how I feel prime the trim in my bedroom before picking up the boys from the sitter...it's been a long day since I got up soooo early...
I have plans tonight to watch a movie I rented last Sunday so I can return them tomorrow..."Conversation with God"...sounds like it going to be intersting...
I plan on gettting some rest before I leave for my painting trip tomorrow...I'll be back Sunday well before the boys come back and I can do some stuff then if I feel up to it!
My guy's coming back to run a GFI plug so I can use the jacuzzi, and he has a few more things to do for me...figure if I can pay someone to do the things that I don't have time to do right now so be it...
THings are really looking up and I'm happy with the way things are going...we are all good...oh, I plan to surprise the boys with a trip to Petco this afternoon with GOGO to get her a good size bone or two so she can stop chewing up our socks or football or basketballs...she use to have her stuff but it's missing or she chewed them to pieces...LMAO
Well, let me get out of here...I can't get that mirror cut down if I don't do it today...
You are all SOOO wonderful! The support that I have gotten since last year is unbelievable...Thank you all!
Well, I had to go to the home improvement store for two more pieces of plumbing for under the sink in the kitchen and I was going to change that out myself but I don't have the right tools to undo the pipe...
I wonder where those vice grips when that my guy found HOLDING the hot and cold water lines in the house!If I find those they may do...
WE didn't bring the dog to Petco with us tonight...it's SPon.'s H's B-day so we stopped at the store and got him some moon pies, twislers, and two balloons...and we went visit with him a little while...Spon. is out of town and will be back tomorrow...
It been a really interesting day AND OMG...THE STREET LIGHT IS SOOOOO BRIGHT!!!!! I'm lite up like Christmas...it's the brightest one on the street!
OS asked me if the street light was out because POWS didn't pay the bill! LMAO...I could have lied BUT I didn't! I told the truth!!LMAO...
Well, let me get these kids straight and in bed so I can relax some...watch this movie and chill out from being SO HOT and getting things done like A TRUE CHARLIE'S ANGEL!!!!
Rin- You sound so full of energy! I WISH that I had your energy... I seem to be a sleeping fool lately... I hope you enjoyed your movie.... keep on! LOL!
Hi Sadmo, I am full of energy...becasue I love what I doing...life is good...it has it's up and downs but it's what we learn from them, is that not correct? I grieved my lost and found a positive attitude behind it...
God has always provided for me BUT I have to do the foot work to get where I am...opportunity is sometimes not seen by people because it involved hard work...I have had the opportunity to grow and learn to love myself and to get to know who I am with the help of the wonderful people who have come into my life here and locally...
THe movie was slow but it was GREAT! Come to find out there are a series of books, which I think I would like to read...
D-day was an awakening for me and the process has been a tough fight...I've had to learn to love myself, respect myself, laugh at myself, learn WHAT I was feeling when I was feeling it, set boundaries not only for myself but in dealing with OP...
I was a lost soul not living life but letting life live me...the anger, resentment, unhappy, despair was engulfing at times and many times I wished that I would get into a horrible car accident...TODAY, I enjoy people like you, sharing our worlds, the blue of the sky, the tone in someone's voice, a different POV...
I was self-rightous in my own way...thought I was an open-minded individual when in fact I was very close-minded to a world of thing...my own attitude and belief system contributed as much destruction to my M as POWS, just in different ways...
I was willing to put in the work and he was not...this much I know to be true...I know that him not wanting to do the work is about him and that I can not sit still and wait on him because that would only cause me misery...
So, I think please correct me if I am wrong but we are really in the same place...
THe other thing that I see is that I don't want to be with POWS, it's not that he's any less than I am but rather not the person that I need to be with...we are not on the same page in life and looking to different things for happiness...
Presently I am looking to myself and my Higher power and POWS it appears to me but only he has the answer is looking to OP and himself...but not to himself in teh same way that I am...it's a fullfillment of wants, material things...
Anyway, that's all a DJ anyway...JMHO...
I am passionate about creating beautiful things and working with wood, fixing things...I am very mechanically inclined...it's my love...question is how do I incorporate that into my job? What kinds of jobs would suit my passion...OS is ALOT like me in this manner...I was in love with my legos when I was a kid...WELL, LMAO, still am...would play with them for hours and you would not hear a word out of me...OS, same WAY!!
ANyway, I have to go to work in the morning...beena long day and I ahven't packed for my trip yet, have errands to run tomorrow at lunch, and have the kids stuff to get together for POWS' weekend...NEVER let them go with him in their school clothes, rule #1...LMAO...don't trust that they will make it back! LMAO
Have a great night, and I hope that my thoughts were not me rambling tonight...they felt pretty clear at teh time...LMAO
When I picture you working on your house (that sounds so good doesn't it? "Your" house). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I picture you as a whirlwind of activity like Taz zipping around in those Loony Tunes cartoons.
Your story is an inspiration. I truly do believe that, no matter what the situation, if we turn to God, He will make "all things work together for good". It's not that God will make all things good-but if we are willing to turn to Him, and be patient waiting on His perfect timing, He will make all things work together for good in the end.
You are an example of that promise.
Hope you post some before and after Rin's decorating blitz pictures!
LMAO...I feel like TAZ! Especially with everything that's going on at work and at home...
At lunch I had six places to got to for errands...got my own auto ins. policy today...only got five of the six places done...so i hit the sixth after work and I'm off for the weekend...
Oh, I called the gas company and found out that i don't need POWs to change the gas into my name, but I do for the cable company...So I'm going to eat up his gas deposit and then I'm changing it into my name...
As far as the cable...i'll let that go until he's ready to change that...We would have to met at the cable office and I just as soon stay dark as long as I can...And If he calls and turns it off then the problem is sovled too, I'll just pay the deposit and turn it back on...win win on that one!
JT...I had thought about pics, but POWS took the camera too...LMAO...all I have is my cell phone camera and you know those are bad...I guess I could get a disposal one...the ugly bathroom is almost done...God, I wish I had taken pics of the trashed place and then pics of after I cleaned it...
I should have listened to BC! Sorry BC! I was living and forgot about it! LMAO...
I hope that God will help me get back into a routine with these kids! I have been having a hard time getting them in bed on time...but this week has been rough with not water a large part of the week...driving back to Spon. house to bathe, get something to eat, etc...
I think that will get better as we settle in...
Well, i'm off for the weekend...we're painting a yellow hibicus(?) on a black black ground this weekend...it's beautiful...I'm looking forward to painting this one!
Hope everyone hasa great weekend!
Frog- that baby kicking yet? I would love a little update! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
HI, Thanks Ladies! I had a wonderful weekend! Boys just got back...POWS drove up at the end of the driveway, not even in the yard...I put some mail on his seat and got L out of the truck...didn't say a word to him...He got the boy's bikes out of the truck...
My Aunt and I took the scenic route back stopping at a flea market here, someplace there, over here...We hada really good time...
I'm not so impressed with my painting but it came out good, better than I thought when I looked at it today...
The grass was cut while I was gone, and the yard is shaping up...it's startingt o look like a home and not an abandoned house! LMAO...
Now, if I had a ladder to get the Christmas lights down from last year! LMAO...it'll come together...
Oh, THANK YOU BOTH for the compliment...it's great to know that I inspire people...
WEll, let me get teh clothes into the dryer and wash some more, so the boys will have school clothes and clean a little before I go to bed tonight...I'll check in a little later!
I'm with Bugsy, leave the lights up, Christmas is just around the corner...
We take ours down every year, 'round Superbowl weekend, but I still see houses in our neighborhood with their lights still up. Reminds me of when I was little and my step father left the 'snoopy' lights on the tree in the front yard for an entire year. I remember coming home in the afternoon in the summer, to see the lights on the tree. I giggled every time.
You sound like a whirlwind of cleaning and doing. You DO have so much energy. I'm exhausted reading your thread.
LMAO...I can leave them up...just need to get the ones that are hanging down...
LMAO...a whirlwind of energy...LMAO...I call it time management...LMAO...like I just finished cleaning up in the boy's room, preparing to swap the beds around...
I got a garage bag full of stuff from their room and I'm sure that I'm not finished yet...I'm all about declustering right now...
I have a pile of stuff to go to the rummage sale...out with the old and in with the new!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Tonight I want to finished the last coats of paint in the bathroom...it's the closest to being finished...that way I can have one room finished...then I can finish my room...
I got a compliment from one of my co-workers today of how the yard is shaping up...I still ahve some work to do in it but it looks world's better and the ggarage is coming together too...
Well, I need to head back to work...Thanks for checking in...be back as soon as I can!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Morning! I'm doing pretty good this morning! I was cleaning the spare room which is now Ys's and I started sneezing and not I'm all stopped up and feeling bad...i was vaccuuming the carpet and started sneezing so bad it hurt! So, I started with some meds...
I got the beds swapped around last night in their rooms, not an easy task...and I applied another coat of redto the bathroom walls that I'm doing...one more and that should be done...
Home phone is fixed as of today...that was the last major thing that needed to be repaired from POWS...there wasa short in the box and had to change a wire inside...
A friend of mine called and said her son saw POWS at the house at one in the morning, but I don't think that was him...I have new renters next door and I think they were moving in late last night...I don't think that my friend's son remembers what house I live in and she said that he saw a white truck and trailer there at 1am...
I got CS in the mailbox yesterday afternoon, so it couldn't have been him...
BUT It's good to know that I'm being looked after...
Well, I'll post more later...I just had something come up...
HI Guys, I don't know if I'm going to get much done tonight! I am feeling really horrible with this congestion...at least the kids don't have religion tonight...
So I can cook some supper and do as little as possible...I would like to move the stuff for teh rummage sale out of the house...prehaps I'll do that and call it quits for the day...
I'll have my hands full with supper, homework, bathes and getting the boys to bed...I guess it will depend on how I feel this afternoon...I don't even feel like eating, but I guess I'll get a little something before heading back to work...have to keep my energy up to deal with this little Taz's! LMAO...
HI, guys! I am taking a break tonight...decided to order pizza instead of cook...the boy's are in the tub now and the only thing I did tonight was straithen up YS's room so he could get to his clothes...
Feeling a little better since I got home...ate some pizza and took something for my headache plus my sinus meds...
Got OS to take out the trash...so I've been on the sofa a large part of the night...trying to rest...
Frog- I haven't had the house checked for that...I have a dust allegy and there's a 1/8 inch of dust on top of things, you can tell when you vacuum and of course on teh ceiling fans and the tops of things...it's so concentrated...who knows the last time the carpet in there was vacuumed...
My nose has been running all day and I've had the box of kleenex next to me...good thing it's got lotion...LMAO...
Today made seven years that I've been workign for my company...what a day! Going to take some more Tylenol and lay down after I get these boys down...
It's coming together little by little...like LA asked me one time: "What's a rush ever got you?" So, now I figure everything does not need to be accomplished in a day...LOL...another big difference in life...I have learned how to take a break...
A little cooler and I can out the windows and sleep that way...I love opening the windows and sleeping at night...the air feels soooo good!
Sorry you're feeling crummy ... but I join the ranks of people who are soooooo impressed with all that you're getting done! Way to go, girl.
Good job of taking a break and taking care of yourself tonight, too. Pizza is a wonderful thing sometimes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Hi AmI! Thank you for stopping in! I really appreciate everyone positive attitude about me...it helps to keep me going...
I've been watching TV most of the night, not something that I normally do...will be headed to bed soon!
Home phone still not fixed...so I called again! If we can't get it resolved I'll just cut it off and use my cell...save me some money at the same time! LOL
WEll, I've been taking a hot rag with methol in it and breathing into in to loose this stuff up...it's helping some...took my meds. again...I want to finish watching this show but am really tired...
kids went down really easy...had to have a short talk with OS...about picking up after himself...he's mentioned several times about POWS not keeping things clean or picking up after himself, so I use that to point out how I feel when HE doesn't clean up after himself...
Point was taken and I left it at that! I did move some boxes outside the door for pick up for the rummage sale...LOL...I'm starting to acquire more floor space...go figure!
Oh, just to let you guys know...HNs look over here...say HI to the kids...I ignore the interaction...I believe that they will get bored with me over here and soon stop watching one day...until then LET them watch! I'm not doing anything wrong or anything to report back to POWS...and if they do, OH, well!
Oh, I found out that HN1's move is contingent on them selling her mother's house and they have to the end of the month! So we will see how that goes...she must have been pretty confident to pull her kids out of this schol and enroll them in the other...not a move I would have done until I was sure of the sell...but that's about me and not about her!
WEll, let me get back to this show and then bed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Morning, I'm sneaking on this morning! I still feel horrible...didn't sleep well at all last night either...almost called in but I know that we have some things going on and I wasn't sure if I would have someone to cover me so I just showed up with the help of Tylonel...LMAO
I had to start taking my cough meds. this morning...I'm doing pretty good, the last time i've been sick like this was last Feb...I get broncitis at least twice a year...hopefully I can avoid that this time since I have the meds. I need...running a low grade fever, so i think I can pull it off...
Anyway, things are going well...the only thing I did this morning was put a chair outside for the sale that I'm donating...that was enough for me...
Oh, I did unload the things out of my trunk that's been there since a few days after we moved...I was looking for my therometer...the one in the house was died and so was the one in the car...Oh, well...
I'll try to get some batteries when I feel up to stopping at the store...Same thing with parts for YS's bunkbed...I have to find some dialrods to put in the holes to secure it...we broke two of them the last time we took it apart and I would rather be safe than sorry on that one...being that he's five I imagine that he'll be jumping in the top bunk when I'm not looking... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
well, let me get to work...and finish enjoying my coffee...
Hey FROG, is that baby kicking yet? how about a little update? i'm so excited! A new baby, wish I was there!!!! i'd help you love on him!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I agree with Frog. You've been cleaning and such, rustling up whatever is in the place; could be mold. I got deathly ill from mold in our basement a while back. Afterward, we went down there, particle masks, bleach water, and scrubber brushes in hand and deconned the area.
If you deal with a lot of moisture, there could be mold in the sheetrock. Since you've been cleaning alot, it could have been on the floors or in the bathrooms.
Take it easy, there girl. You've got time to get it all together at home. You LIVE there now, remember. Do a little at a time until you feel MUCH better.
The baby is kicking and FWW is getting bigger. We are busier then you can imagine.
So we will have 3 boys. LOL. OS is still struggling with school but not as much. We are really staying on top of him but he doesn't like it so much. His grades are staying higher though. We have him in a mixed martial arts class now as well. So 3 days a week he gets some serious excercise.
YS is still doing his thing. Soccor and baseball. He is in a baseball camp and at 8 he is playing with the kids that are 2-4 years older then them 10-12 and more then holding his own, he is still actually at the top. The guy that runs the camp gave him a little tryout to see if he could hang with the big boys. He couldn't get him to fail, he even fed him MAJOR League pop flies and my son caught them. He seems to be the Mascot of the class. He is really just a pleasure. Cross my fingers.
I was able to buy myself a newer car a few months ago which was nice. It did set me back a little on becoming debt free but that is ok, I was able to get the price I wanted and my other car needed major work so it was worth it.
So I negoitated another debt down and that will be paid just leaving one more. I could have paid this one long ago but I needed to wait so they would negotiate down more. That makes about 20k in debt or so down to about 8k not bad for an amature. At least we never had to go BK.
My job is great. My team is just kicking some serious butt.
On the M front it is ok. I am not feeling it for my FWW right now. Maybe that will change.
What is probably funny about it is I would say we have a decent M. We don't fight or argue that much etc I just don't feel in love. Maybe that will return who knows.
I used to get bronchitis twice a year, too, ever since I was in High School ... couple of times it got to pneumonia stages, and once it was even whooping cough. Nasty stuff!
Mucinex or plain robitussin (or something similar - look at the ingredients) has been a lifesaver for me. Gets all that junk out of there before it gets too nasty and turns into bronchitis. It's more coughing up front, but they are productive and not so painful.
Works especially after a cold when you've got sinus stuff running down (Gross, I know. Sorry!). I haven't gotten bronchitis in almost three years now since I started using this stuff. Makes the bad coughing only last about 3 days, and if you can find a way to get enough sleep in that time, then it clears up even faster.
HI everybody! I left work at lunch, grabbed a piece of pizza and went take a nap...I woke up to GOGO chewing on my slip on tennis shoes...so they are trashed now...
I just grabbed another piece of pizza and my phone rang, work asking about a delivery...part of it was separated from teh rest...they were wondering how to handle it...I took my cough med. again...
SL- We don't really have a problem with moisture...no sheetrock int he house...paneling, no insulation in the walls...really old house...I have to add insulation after we moved in...MOF, I did the insulation in the attic myself...
Installed Reflective Foil, took me two days working by myself but was worth it, $200 decrease in my energy bill from one August to the next Aug...just that month...later, I hired two of our guys to install the Foil under the house and came back an blew cellulose in teh attic...I hired my company to do that...still nothing in the walls and the energy bill is good, manageable...
Now, the boy's bathroom, I need to change the toilet and vaniety out, a small problem with water there but nothing bad...that will come AFTER I own the house...nothing to increase the value, right?
It's just so amazing the dust that's in here...we live right on a main road and get a ton of dust...something I can't handle alot of...
AmI- That's funny! I started with Broncitis when I was 17, senior year and have had problems with it ever since...usually if I can get meds. in me right when I start sneezing, I can stop the process...been pretty good about recognizing the signs over the years...
MOF, I've been really healthy this past year, looking back, the year before I was sick all the time but since I left POWS, my stress level has been down and I've been really healthy...that was one of the first things I noticed after I left...
Hum, I'm feeling better, come to think of it...my head seems alot clearer right now...
Anyway, Frog...I'm so happy to hear that you guys are doing good...I would love to be there to feel that wonderful baby move...it's the greatest feeling in the world to me...I loved being preg. for YS...I was always showing off my belly and I GOT HUGE FOR HIM! WEll, huge for a 4'11'' little person! Swallowed a watermelon, I did! Basketball for OS! LMAO...
Well, I'm going to try to rest some more, I have to pick up the kids early today to get OS to tutoring...if I feel like I do now, I may get a few things done this afternoon...at least finish my bathroom...that WOULD be nice, now whether it gets done is a different story, I'm certainly in no rush...
I have no plans this weekend and the boys will be gone...I can do alot then...it will be my first weekend alone in teh house and believe you me I can handle that!
Financailly, I am doing fine also...paying some stuff, keeping up, not wanting for anything...God is good...All the time!! I haven't had a bad day in a long time...you know one of those where I think it would be easier to just go back but KNOW better...I am doing fine, nothing bad had happened since I left POWS...MOF, I think alot of good things have happened...
Now, being sick I wish I had someone to care for me, but I didn't have that before really so it's not like I'm missing anything except someone BEING here...make sense?
I've started thinking about dating again, but this time it's different...before when the topic surfaced I was thinking about it because I was lonely, this time I'm not lonely...I'm not ready right this minute, but I was thinking that come Christmas time and Mardi Gras time it would be nice to go on a few dates...
I'm certainly not looking for a serious relationship...the "OH, please, lets get to know each other and get married!" NO!!!
I am enjoying my separatness and being able to make decisions without someone else telling me no or you can't do that...I want to enjoy this part of my life for a while...besides I have to do right by my boys and MYSELF...
SEE I got my hopper screwed on straight this time around...I am very at peace with life right now...I have a very laid back attitude...not like before where if something needed to be done it had to be done right then and there...
NOW...LMAO..I'm still cranky when I'm sick or the boys are not listening when I tell them something the first time, but the rules have changes YET again and we are in a different place and I feel that I have to give us all a chance to get use to things the way they are right now...so we should be better in a month or so...all in all I'm happy with life the way it is...
Any thoughts on the dating thing? For my sitch anyway...I'm having a problem with what the law says...final dates...but techincally not married...stuff like that...
HI, I woke up, let the dog out, and figured I'd post real quick...I'm feeling much better...my head's clear for the most part...have a cough now, but that's doing good too...
At least it's coming up and out...YUCK!!! LMAO Another day or so and I'll be back up and running...I did get YS's bed fixed today...ran to the hardware store about three yesterday...so that's up and done...his room's coming together, still have a few things to get out of there, clean the toy box out, and put that 13'inch TV that I purchased while we were living with Spon. in there...
The great things POWS is not a house keeper/cook/whatever...so I've had to get VERY little for the inside of the house like cleaning supplies and we had a cabinet full of food that I had purchased before I left so that has been a God sent...I thought for sure that he would have given it to the neighbors or used it or SOMETHING...
I'm thinking about saling my weight bench and kick bag...POWs never put up my kickbag to begin with it's still in YS's room, where it's been for the last two years...I can always tell POWS later that I donated it to charity! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I don't know I might move it to the garage after it's closed in and ACTUALLY INSTALL the kick bag!!!! it's not a priority right now, but I would like it out of my dining room! Cluster free zone is the goal for the house!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Calm, serenity...come to think about it, I have had NO triggers...
Oh, OS told me tonight that POWS was asking WHO ALL WAS over here on moving day helping me out...OS said "See I told you HN1 was on the phone talking about us!" POWS asked it BC was my BF, and OS said NO, his MARRIED WITH A KID, which shut up POWS...I just told OS that he didn't have to answer the questions if he didn't want too...and told him that I was proud that I didn't have a BF, that I didn't NEED to have someone in my life...
Oh, OS overheard POWS refer to me as a B1tc* on the phone and he said he thought "Don't talk about my mom like that!" I tell you want POWS is REALLY digging a hole with OS, he doesn't think very highly of POWS and seemed disappointed when I reminded him tonight that he was going back to POWS this weekend...I had to explain the schedule to him again...I'm sure that he was looking forward to spending the weekend at home, so I'm going to make sure that when it's my weekend I have very little to do, so they can enjoy being home...
As far as OS attitude toward his dad, I can't fix that...OS also mentioned that MIL told him "Just b/c your mom says your dad's a bad person doesn't make is so!" So I asked OS if I've said that, and he replied no, so I reminded him that I thought POWS was not a bad person but he had just made some really horrible decisions...that I actually think that he is a good person at heart...
That's the best that I can do with OS...kind of show him there is separateness between the person adn the decisions or the person and the sickness...I feel the rest is up to POWS...it's not my place to help create a relationship between the two...
Oh, there was something else that OS mentioned...remember I had mentioned that POWS took the kids to BIL and BIL has a livein OW, well, POWS and her as "getting Close"...Well, POWS told OS that something were not suppose to be talked about...I had told POWS that the clause would include BIL's house too, in regards to teh opposite sex overnight...
Funny, this must be POWS philosopy on life "That something are better not talked about!" Lies of omission...the dragon that I fought and was unable to slay...
OS thinks he's a lair anyway, and I keep telling OS that I don't have to talk bad about his dad that he will have the opportunity to make his own conculsion about him just as I have about my own dad...SO that's where I stand with OS and POWS...
Anyway, better get back to bed to rest some more, I do have to go to work in the morning...LOL...
Good stuff on your convo with OS. Tough, isn't it? Yet you are doing the right thing. Speak the truth in general terms. As you say, we don't have to say bad things about the XWH,,,,their actions speak loud enough and kids are smart enough to figure things out.
Yes, the Old Lie By Omission. If we don't "talk" about it, then it's all OK? UGH! Drac likes that, too. DSS even said to me once, "Why can't Dad & the Ho have their PRIVACY? Why does Everyone have to talk about what they are doing?" Yeah,,,those were the thoughts of a 12 year old - NOT!
Morning BUGS, I'm sneaking on again...bad girl, huh? LMAO
Well, I'm feeling much better today...my voice sounds like crap but I can handle that...LOL
Thanks for the vote of confidence with OS...
Well, i emptied a file cabinet that I'm donating, and brought the garbage to the road...it's the five or ten minutes here and there that's getting things done around the house...I'll be happy when Spon. picks up the stuff for the sale...
I was talking to one of my co-workers this morning about getting someone to pressure wash the house, it REALLY needs it. Perhaps I can hire one of the guys from our crews and get that done...it'll be least work for me, and I don't think that I need to get overheated right now...I'll see not like the dirt is going anywhere...LMAO...
LMAO...main thing for me is I can see the progress...LMAo...because it SURE ISN'T PERFECT... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well, let me get back to work...I'll try to sneak in later...once I get a decent computer at home, I can keep up better with everyone else's thread! Sorry I'm missing out right now! Take care everyone!
I have been meaning to write and update about OS and his tutoring...
We've learned from the tests that he was given that he is on grade level with everything except his spelling...with that he can produce the beginning and ending sounds of the word but the middle is gone for him...
So, this program that he's enrolled in was geared more fowards Reading...well, the tutor, a friend also, spoke witht he director and are customizing it for OS and his Spelling problem with some reading...
Thing is if he doesn't improve with Spelling then he will fail this year's LEAP test and have to go to summer school, and if he doesn't get it then that means back to the 4th grade...
So it's a comprehension thing with hearing the sounds that come in between the first and last letter...nothing to really worry about it's just not clicking for him right now, which can be age appropriate from what I understand...
JT, i would love to hear what you have to say! Actually anyone who's familiar with this...I'm overjoyed that we were able to identify the problem!
Sounds like OS's tutor is very perceptive and yep-it's an age appropriate thing. One of the things that works with kids who have some sort of processing difficulty with words (whether it's sounds and spelling or even dyslexia) is have them practice pig latin. Emember-ray at-thay? It forces them to hear the middle sounds and put the beginning sounds on the end.
Also, rhymes also help. Shel Silverstein "Where The Sidewalk Ends" is great for boys his age. Plus, there are just some words you have to memorize to remember to spell: no one has ever been able to sound out "through" or even "phonics" for that matter. Maybe he can come up with his own "rules" to remember difficult words. I do that-like the word "separate" 'e's on the end 'a's in the middle (because it sounds like seperate)
Thanks for asking-sounds like you are almost up to Taz energy levels again.
Well, Thank you JT! I really appreciate that...LMAO...I remember Sep-A-rate...A rate...like a fee...LMAO...
As far pig latin...I was one of the one's that just couldn't get it...LMAO...so I'm no help to him on that one! LMAO...
WEll, today my NEW WEEDWHACKER came in...won it in auction...it's not just a weedEATER...LMAO...it's a whacker...of course, I have to start it and test it out and I'm like WOWOWOWWWWWW!! I love it!
Hopefully my BLOWER!!LMAO...works just as well, it'll be here tomorrow...
My whacker was won for $3.02 and shipping was 40...so I'm so thrilled that it works!!! LMAO...GO ME, it's a craftman!!!32CC!!!! WOW BABY!! I just couldn't go for the little 22cc...LMAO...
Yep! I'll feeling better, still got some yuck in my chest and nose but feeling world's better than yesterday or the day before...
Well, I told OS that if he finished his homework that we would do something together around the house and I have a motion sensor light that I need to put up, so I'm going to get him to help me with that...I still want to take it easy tonight...
Okay, so he's waiting on me...got to go! Be back later!
Well, i'm heading to bed...really tired tonight...
Hoping I can sleep well tonight...I'll have the house to myself this weekend...looking forward to it...I can work at my leisure...and my mom is sending a b-day package...that's always great to get!!! WHO KNOWS what she'll have in there for ME!!!
I'm so excited! I really do like surprises...I'll have to see if I can find that in my next partner....one who likes to give me GOOD SURPRISES!! LMAO...
I'll play with that light tomorrow or this weekend...perhaps one of my wires came loose or something simply like that! If I get that one up and working then I'll change the one in the front of the house to the decorative one that's been sitting there for months!
HN2 was scoping me and OS out earlier tonight...hope she got an eye full...must be nice for the HNs with a appealing house across the street versus the abandoned one that was here a week ago! LMAO...
Well, I'm really sleepy, think I'll head to bed early and make the best of tomorrow...
HI! I'm up and running! Got my new blower in yesterday and played with it a few minutes ago! I love it! New toys!
WOO HOO!
Spon. came by this morning and we loaded up the stuff that I'm donating to the rummage sale...then, I brought GOGO to the pet store for food, treats, and a new toy SHE picked out! I moved some of my tools to the garage...I went on a shopping spree thanks to my mom and my birthday coming up!
She send me $200 in gift cards...SOOOOO, I got curtains for my room, a new shower curtain for the boy's bathroom, a NEW wet/dry shop vac, that I mounted to the wall in the garage (couldn't do that to the one we had before)...
Got a wheel barrel, which I didn't have before but we didn't need one, I would use the kid's wagon, and we don't know where that is now! Move some Mardi Gras beads, which I plan to sell! Washed a load of clothes and put them to dry...
last night, I went into YS's room, and it's Disney Cars theme, so I used some beach towels for the window curtains, and had little decals that i put up all around the room! It looks soo cute with the sheet sets on the bed!
I've got a BIG pot of red beans in the slow cooker, and I ate some leftovers I made last night for breakfast, well, really brunch! LMAO...
I'm working up the energy to finish my bathroom which I haven't done yet...ONE MORE coat of paint and it should be done...the trim can wait until I do the other trim work...
I have to say that things ARE REALLY starting to shape up and I've gotten compliments too! So I'm very proud of the work that I've been doing!
It's just SOOOOO quiet around here without the kids! Just me and the dog...who is loving her new toy! SQueek, squeek, squeek, is all I hear! LMAO...
Caught her int eh bed with me this morning! Had to made her move so I could get up...she had been SOOO unloved while we were gone...that's all she wants to be loved and played with...it's the nonstop that I can do without! LMAO
Alright, I'm putting the painting off, let me TRY to get to it!
have a great day! I'm sure that I'll be back around!
Thanks EO! I'm so glad that I can help lift you up when I can! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I still haven't gotten around to painting yet...I realized I was tired so I laid down on the sofa and I was out...woke up with a headache, so I took something, and decided to pack a few more boxes...organized the pantry so I can see what I have...just really general clean up...my sinus' are still giving me trouble and I guess I don't want to overdo it, so what gets done gets done!
The great thing is I can SEE progress, little by little it's coming together...
I'm really enjoying just being in the house no matter how much work there is to do...I haven't turned on the TV or radio or anything...just me and the dog...
I have all of you to thank for all of the help that you gave over the past year and a half...the support was/is unbelievable...I really ready to move on with my life...I feel like I'm out of limbo and can move in whatever direction that I CHOICE to go in, witht he help of GOd that is! LMAO...
My Spon. said today that "I just needed a little help and the rest I can do!" That's really all that I asked of my M to POWS, just give me some help...I don't think that was much to as, but for him it must ahve been...so I'm in complete acceptance of where I am, and I can do what I need to do, when I need to do it and if I can't I can ask for help from the right people and get it...
HEY LG! That was an AWESOME game!!! I watched it and painted the living room wall...I waspretty disappointed until the end of the third quarter...
GEAUX TIGERS!!!!#1
WEll, next on the list is to pressure wash the house and I JUST won an auction for one...dirt cheap if you watch and time that bid...This is the last thing I'm purchasing for around here for a while! Tool wise that is...
Thanks for stopping in!
WEll, today I got the last coat of red in the living room done...that in itself make the room look bigger...
The boys just got back...I'm not going to spend to much of my time thinking about it but it appears that they didn't spend the time with POWS...I didn't ask any questions but it seems like POWS met the in-laws half way Friday and then today! Oh, well...I only said THank you to him when he was here...he handed me the kid's school clothes and I handed him his mail, then walked in the house!
OS said that POWS went to church today that's why he was dressed up! Before I realized it, I said "YEAH, RIGHT!" but then I let it go and OS went back to play...
I got a few others things done today...A NAP!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> And I washed all of the clothes and picked them up...got my bathroom organized "a little bit"...it's getting better around here, that's the best that I can do for right now...
Maybe next weekend I can wash the house on SUnday...Sat. I will be workignt he rummage sale most of the day and I'll have the kids with me...I'm sure that they will enjoy their time at home!
Well, I have to go get control of YS and the dog...they are running throught the house, YS laughing his head off, and the dog chasing him, barking at him! I'm so glad that we got to keep her, she's been great company this weekend and she's good for them!
Good Morning! I was thinking this morning and I was wondering what you guys think about it...
I've thought about inviting POWS to go trick r treating with us for Halloween...
I think that I have detached enough from him that I'll be able to do this...any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated!
I know that you guys are familiar with my reactions to things and have great ideas...regardless of the Sitch HE is their dad...I was thinking that I could offer and it's up to him from that point on...
Of course, the attention would be stickly on the kids, in my thinking anyway...
I'm trying hard to remain on the high road...in the past sometimes he would come with us and sometimes not...last halloween he was working nights...
The other thought that no one replied to was me question on dating...and technically being Med according to the law and being Med according to MB principles...I have a hard time with some D's taking only weeks or months and others taking a year like mine...so I would appreciate some thoughts on this too...
Thank you in advance, i really appreciate all of you!
i WAS WONDERING IF ME WANTING TO INVITE HIM WITH US to trick r treat IS A RESULT OF SEEING HIM YESTERDAY...
I've tried asking myself, why would you want to do this and I haven't got an answer...
perhaps some part of me wants to see what he's like...confirmation that the same old is there...I really don't know...perhaps even wishful thinking on my part...
Gullen for more abuse? I don't know where this is coming from...
Strivin, about Halloween, maybe think about it and clarify your intent first? Do you feel happy or sad when you think about it? Are you trying to fix something that is his to fix? Or maybe you liked how he'd get spooky, and wanted to share that with the kids? Maybe wait until he asks?
About the dating, I liked what noodle had to say on LostBoy's thread on InRecovery. Have you seen it, or should I link it?
Hi Eo! When I first thought about asking it was so that he wouldn't miss out on that time with them...
That's what i was thinking when I first posted the question, then I started second guessing myself, wondering if I was trying to find an excuse to spend time with him...
I don't think that's it...if I remember correctly, I know last year he was working ngiths and we were by his work after trickr'treating, and the year before he didn't go at all...reason I'm not sure...
I also wonder if I'm still grieving what was and wanting that in some way...part of the illusion...
Maybe still trying to fix what is not mine to fix, this is another consequence of his choices...he's not one to dress up or anything like that, heck he doesn't even call them, and Friday he picked them up early without my approval...almost 40 minutes early before the stated time...
i just TMed him and said that he wasn't suppose to pick them up until 5:30...I didn't get a reply...
As far as LostBoy's thread, I would love a link, I haven't read it...and I'm interested in reading it! I would greatly appreciate it...
Did he pick them up early from a sitter? Or from you? Did he take them out of school or away from a school function?
I think that picking them up early from a sitter could possibly fall under right of first refusal .... might not be a hill to die on. Besides, if you knew the boys were just going to be at a sitter until you showed up, and for some reason you'd be able to get them early, wouldn't you?
Halloween ..... you've kind of gone back and forth on whether you feel threatened by him. How would you feel if you were spending a whole evening together? How would the boys feel about it? Would they get "mom and dad are getting back together" hopes up? If things got uncomfortable, would you be able to tell the boys "dad is un-invited and has to go home"? Would you be albe to tell STBX, in front of the boys? Lots of logistics that you'd have to think through. What about dropping them off with him for half an hour or so to go trick-or-treat in his neighborhood? Or having someone else take them by his place for pictures for a few minutes? Might be some other possible options.
When I posted that the other day, I was just missing the feeling of sharing experiences with someone, like being somewhere with the kids and seeing them do something funny while being with your spouse...that kind of silly situation that creates memories and history within the family.
I think this is part of my thinking right now! With the Halloween thing...
On the dating thing, I do miss "being" with someone and I'm no talking about SF...just together time...
What I'm looking for would take a LONG time to get to anyway...
Anyway, thank you for sharing that with me...like LB said it was an eyeopener...
AMI- He picked them up early from the sitter's...in the judgement it says 5:30pm on Friday to 7pm on Sunday...I see your point on Halloween...I'm just going to leave that whole thing alone...it would be easier that way...besides, he's living with OW during the week and So far going out of town when HE DOES chose to spend time with them...this weekend he didn't handed them off to his mom and SD...
I think that I'll deal with them by myself...less confusion for everyone involved...
Okay, I had to walk to the warehouse and on the walk I think, am pretty sure that it's withdrawal...
it's the lonely feeling, the craving of being with someone...but the question of dating came up before I saw him yesterday...the feeling sprang up today...
Still somewhere in my mind wishing things were different and I could have my family together...this is where the Halloween thing is coming from and I just as soon let sleeping dogs lie...
Truth of the matter is he still treats us like dirt...things are not going to change and I will have to deal with this withdrawal thing...
it would be nice if a FWS could identify their withdrawal for me...I know that I've had these feelings before...it's not really longing to be with POWS...it's a longing for ENs to be met and like I mentioned it's not SF either...it's more of the companionship...
RIN- I KNOW what you mean... I want to "BE" with somoene too... I would NOT invite him to Halloween. Because he dumps the kids off at his parents all of the time. Because if he WANTED to spend more time with them HE COULD. On the dating, is there someone that you are interested in? Since you ARE going through a D, I do NOT think that it is too terrible to think about... I understand WHERE you are coming from... I miss the companionship of a R. I miss the SF of a R. But, I have adjusted, I am ok WITH or WITHOUT it... Which is a place that I did not think I would be at... BUT, I do long for a R somewhere down the line, where I can flirt, kiss, whatever...
HI, Sadmo! No there's no one that I'm interested in...I just really think about it and long for it...I still have five months to get this D over...
I was reminded tonight why I shouldn't invite him...besides you are right...oh, do you know that his parents are four hours away? LMAO...YEAH! THat's the shame...
Anyway, I'm over feelings lonely, it comes and goes from time to time...
WE went to Spon. house for supper tonight...YOU KNOW her house just isn't the same without us there...LMAO...no kids yelling, no dog chasing the kids and barking...well, she got all of that tonight!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
AND, SHE SURPRISED ME with a b-day gift and an ice cream cake! IT WAS WONDERFUL!!! Fudge, Oreo cookie crumbs, Reese's peanut butter and choclate! OH TO DIE FOR AND CAN YOU believe she MADE me take the rest home? YES, she did!
So, we'll be having ice cream cake again tonight and I won't regret NO A BIT!!! I told Ears Open, that I would be celebrating today and carrying that over to my B-day! LMAO....
ANyway, we were sitting at the table and OS was doing his homework and said to me...Oh, BTW, MIL doesn't hate you but she doesn't like some of the things that you say to us about dad, that he's a bad person, etc...Spon. said that sounds like a lot of assumptions...I said "OS, do I do that?" He said NO, and I tried to tell her that!
I remember my grandma talking bad about my mom and I would try to correct her...I remember how I felt about her being wrong...I even called her a witch one time...so I don't need to do anything about that sitch either...
BUT, I'm thinking that if I have this first right to refusal in place, then that includes MIL and FIL...I don't know how much of this I can cut out but I can try...that's the most I can do! That's time that "I" could have spent with them! BEsides I don't like the fact that the kids were four hours away and I had NO idea...what if something happened to them...
I think that this is another way of POWs trying to control things...the whole picking them up early...no telling me or asking me about picking them up, blah, blah, blah...
Anyway, I need to head back to bed...I did a little reading in the Book of Job tonight...Spon. recommended it a while back but I couldn't find my Bible...no wonder it was in a box of clothes and not with my other books! LMAO...
I understand what you are saying about knowing where your kids are and having a say in it. However, as someone said earlier, is this a hill on which you wish to make a stand?
Put the shoe on the other foot. Not that I support POWS, but what if you took them somewhere on a weekend with your family? Do you want to have to notify POWS every time you are more than say an hour away? Just something to think about.
I have had the urge to "play nice" for Halloween, but I have managed to stick it out. I realized that while it would be "nice", by allowing/asking Drac to come along trick or treating with us it would mess up a lot of things. First, it would confuse the kids. Second, it would confuse me. Third, although I hate it for them, *I* did not choose for it to be this way. It's time to make new memories and traditions,,,as hard as it can be sometimes.
So, for today, Your Assignment, Fellow Angel is to have a GREAT BIRTHDAY!!! Leave all of this aside for a day and do something fun for Rin!
Thank YOU BUGS! I appreciate the thoughts...after AmI mentioned it, it all fell into place and is aligned with what you are saying...I completely agree with the two of you!
Today has started out great! I got on the scale this morning and I've lost 12 lbs...WOO HOO! Downfall the new suits that I just bought in July are falling off my waist...good news I got into a beautiful 6 suit that was in my closet that still had the tags on from before I left!
I figure it's GODDESS DAY! Might as well shine! High heels, beautiful suit...makeup...it's the day to rule! Seize the day and make it mine!
So, BUGS, I'm on it Lady Angel! I was going to call my lawyer about first right to refusal but it can wait until tomorrow...being that even him giving the kids to the ILs would be in voilation of this if I'm thinking correctly...
I had to go to school the other day and put a stop to MIL calling the school, only happened once but that was enough, and calling OS out of class to talk to him...telling him "Just b/c your mom says your dad is bad, doesn't make it so!" and then telling him that his bike would be home that afternoon, which didn't happen for another week...there's no reason that child should be distracted from his school work...professional couresty or not...so that was solved!
So, PLAN OF ACTION: HAVING A GRREAATT DAY!!! I'm on it, it's my mission!
?????????????? POWS just TMed me with "Happy Birthday!!!" ??????????? I just replied "Thank you!!!" ????????? What IS THIS?????
Rin. You should know by now not to read too much into anything POWS does. Who knows what his motives are? Who cares? Maybe he's just being a "Nice Guy" for a minute. Is he playing games? He can't if you don't play.
He'd have to do 100x more than send you a Happy Birthday wish to restore any semblance of being a Decent Man. When or if he ever does that, then CARE about what he says or thinks.
Thanks MEDC! I haven't heard anything about it and I refuse to deal with that stuff today!
I may call tomorrow b/c I have a few other things that I would like to talk to them about with the custody thing! Holiday schedule, arrears check (he has until the 14th to pay), etc...
I've been getting the few things that I need and the only thing that I don't have for the basic stuff around the house is a ladder right now...but I borrowed two step ladders for the time being...
I'll leave POWS to his miserable life...
I'm waiting on my pressure washer to come in...I'm excited about that! LMAO...happy B-day ME!!<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Actually, last night I was putting ice cream cake on the ends on their noses!!!! ANd stealing ice cream cake off their plates!!! We have the rest of that for tonight!!!
PBS- I was thinking about giving myself the night off from cooking and taking the kids somewhere for supper, but I can't figure out where I want to go!!
If you do go out to eat, give your OS this note (but don't read it!!!):)
******************** FOR OS EYES ONLY
To OS: Excuse yourself to go to the RR and track down your waitperson. Tell them it's your mom's birthday and that she really LOVES surprises. Wouldn't it be nice if the whole waitstaff sang Happy Birthday?
LMAO...FROG...Sure does look that way!!! Been a long year, but it's been a good one!
MOF, in my personal calandar, I have it marked on the 20th to reevaluate my sitch...I was trying to give it a year before I made any changes!
OH, PM...when I got the boys in the car and told them that we were going out to eat...OS said "I'm telling them it's your Birthday!" LMAO...
I didn't even have the time to give him the letter...they both asked about not going to religion tonight...I said Lucky for you guys it's my birthday and I want to spend time with you!! OS wanted to come home first to change clothes...YS is tired and being cranky!!!
THis will make for a great night!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
THank YOU BOTH! DId you guys check out my pics from tonight that PBS posted for me!
We had A WONDERFUL TIME!!!! It's been a great day!
After Frog mentioned last year I went back and read some of my posts from my b-day...I have to say that this year was amazing, simply amazing from last year...I was reading and remember all the hard feelings I had...
POWS burned my books not long after my b-day...so my world has changed greatly and I would change my world now for anything...I'm so happy with life...the little things, my great friends and support like you guys and gals here...
I am grateful today...I am not angry with the world, nor POWS, nor myself...I love and cherish so much that I took for granted...
Good Morning! Well, if you check out the pics...my inner child was coming out yesterday!
It was a FABBBBUUUULLLOUSSS b-day! I really enjoyed myself! The kids told the waitress LIKE 20 times that it was my birthday and EVERYONE AROUND us knew also! So, I had strangers telling me Happy Birthday...
We stopped by Spon. house and got Spon. H to take a digital pic of us...then Spon. was at a meeting so we stopped by there to show off our face painting! OS was a bat, YS wasa a pirate, and you'll just have to check out the pics for me!! LMAO...
One pic was taken by OS, and the other by YS (the close up one)!
It's a great morning too...we're laughing this morning at GOGO attacking the kids...she bites OS's ankles when he tries to get away from her...YS is as tall as her is with she stands up...so she jumps at him and pushs on his chest and being the clown that he IS...he falls down!!! GOGO doesn't fight fair!! LMAO
So with the three of them, it's always interesting...we're blessed to still have her after being away for so long...she was meant to be a part of our family from teh start...our dumpster girl!!!
Well, let me get myself together, and finish my coffee and oatmeal...
I'm so glad you had a fabulous birthday. Your boys are awesome by the fact that the first thing they thought of when you told them you were going out to eat was YOU! That shows character-- that they're thinking of others -- even at such a young age. Way to go Rin. Cherish these times.
SL- I thought Prince was still in!!! When Doves Cry!!! Purple Rain!!! Come ON!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LMAO Thank you very much!
MEDC- Would help to say that I'm normally a natural lady!!! I was reenacting my own Broadway Music!!! Similar to CATS!!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> tHAT SMILE IS MY best ASSET!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
BUGS- MY lady and fellow Angel!! Life is good, what more can I say!!
There's no tension in the house now...who would have thought that getting rid of POWS would have done that! LMAO
That's a lot of acceptance...sometimes I still wish things were different but they are what they are...that's the skinny of things!! LMAO...
PM- They have always been great kids...they have started taking on chores by themselves without being asked...MOF, they ask me if they can do this or that, and they even fight over WHO'S going to care for the dog...this morning I asked OS to take out the trash and YS put a garbage bag in the can without being asked...so I told him to add a pebble to his jar for being great...
POWS once told SPon. that the kids' behavior wasa direct result of me...I'll take that b/c it's true...I'm pretty hard on them and have been but I think that if I'm like that now then that's less that I'll have to do later...
Well, let me get back to work... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Thank you all for the compliments! you guys are sooo wonderful!!
Well, I'm feeling a little anxiety right now...I said that I wouldn't deal with my lawyer yesterday SOOOO I called today...
We STILL had not set up a holiday schedule and included clauses...I decided to only include the right to refusal...and made up my own holiday schedule from the brief dicussion that I had with POWS a few weeks ago...we'll see if it flies...
Also, the para said that my lawyer was suppose to talk to POWS's but she hasn't heard anything yet about the things that POWS took...this whole process has been LONG and DRAWN out, not matter what I do..."I" can't speed things up...
THe judgement hasn't even been completely typed up yet and submitted to the judge b/c of the holiday schedule not being completed yet...
Anyway, para's going to type up what I proposed and fax it to me at SOME point...I'm sure not expecting it to be today...I did tell her about the kids going to the ILs and that since I only have them one weekend a month that I would prefer to be with them if he's not going to keep them...
I have to keep in mind that this whole process has been drawn out for some reason unknown to me...and that this is the way it suppose to BE...once again unknown reasons to ME...
POWS also has three days to pay me the arrears. It's suppose to be within 30 days and that was on the 14th...next CS payment is due on the 15th...He paid the 1st on time...so we will see how that goes too!
Like SOOO many others here both present and past, I'm ready for the process to be complete and over...LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
OS and I were talking on the way home, and he was telling me that MIL said that the tools that POWS took was for his job and that OS said he knew that was not true but didn't tell LIM that b/c he didn't want to make her more mad...
POWS has MIL snowed in...it's amazing!! The tools that were work related that were here was b/c he took them from work for personal use...
All I have to say is that she's going to have a rude awaking if she's footing the bill for him when the time comes to settle...
His lawyer can't be that stupid either...a welder/fitter doesn't use a chain saw on the job...or a table saw for that matter...or what about 2-12' ladders???? Or my chisles that my dad gave me????
Jesus, POWS is a miracle...it's a miracle that he's stayed alive all this time with THAT thinking...
I'm actually looking forward to seeing how this works out and the lies that he'll come up with this time...I should be able to get a good laugh out of this one...
I can tell that OS is frustrated with MIL b/c he knows the truth and she doesn't and he feels like he can't correct her b/c she won't believe him...poor kid...I think this is the real reason he voices what happens when he's with POWS or the ILs...he's tired of the lies too...
I feel so bad for him...OS!!!
Anyway, Thank you once again for the compliment...it's funny how I can laugh at what MIL told him...I don't know, guess I'm getting REAL USE TO POWS' lies and having to deal with them...pray that the truth will prevail...
Rin, I think YOU should call the judges office tomorrow and ask them how to get your stuff back. More likely than not, they will be pretty aggravated at your H and may step in immediately. I know you have a lawyer...but remember, the lawyer works for you and there is nothing that you could screw up by calling the clerk. They are very helpful.
OKAy...I KNWO that you are right and I need to do this...
I WILL CALL tomorrow...I will ask to speak to the judge and explain what is going on...I have no clue how to even start to explain...
I have to admit that I am a little fearful in doing this...thrus why I haven't done it yet...I mean in the past seven months I've had a judge recuse himself, two dates/three dates???? YUCK!
Rinders...this is about boundary enforcements...you taking the steps, your part, and letting the outcome go.
A reminder.
I understand what faces you...all the mess...the stuff that has happened, is happening and dwelling in the what ifs of what could happen.
Stop. Be present and examine your code. This wasn't what the court said was required. You following through is your own obligation. No more self-betrayal, 'k?
You know...sometimes I'm saying "You go girl!" and then I hear me saying, "Stand still, woman!" What's confusing about that?
WEll, I had a pretty good night, only woke up twice...
Once b/c I dreamed that I ran into OW and OW apologized to me and said that POWS was not what he seemed and I was right...
I dream about POWS and OW often...My PTSD has gotten been with time since D-day...I don't jump at every little sound that I hear or startled easily anymore...so it is getting better...at least they are not horrifing dreams, I can go back to sleep pretty fast afterward...
I remember having dreams about my FOO for years then they just stopped and D-day started all that [email]cr@p[/email] again, the dreams are just different...but like I've said it HAS gotten better and I do sleep more these days than in the past...
Anyway, today I will make the time to call the judge...I'm not giving any thought to what I need to say in advance, I figure the words will come that need to come...
ON ANOTHER GREAT NOTE>>>I got on the scale this morning and there's another pound shed...I keep this up and MOMMA will be sprakling like an ornament at Christmas time...LMOA...
At 4'11", "they" say I'm suppose to weight 110 lbs, but that's TOOOO skinny, I'd look like a rail...120 is more healthy I think for me...
I FINALLY stopped eating during the night!!! LMAO...and I'm not buying ANY Halloween candy after on sale...LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I did enjoy my red beans and rice this weekend, Ice cream cake this week, and a snicker this past weekend! I'm not depriving myself at all...
Well, llet me get dressed and going this morning...need to be out the door in 40 minutes and I'm behind, in no rush today AT ALL...Morning ARE A WORLD OF difference...GOD, I use to be SOOO full of Hate and anger, yelling at the kids...blamed it on the way my childhood morning were...
OKay, got to go!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Rin, do NOT call the Judge. That would be an "ex parte" communication. He is not ALLOWED to speak to one party without the presence of the other party unless an exparte motion is made. It is unethical. You don't want to pi$$ off the Judge in your case. You have an attorney. A clerk can't tell you what to do either because that would be giving you legal advice. Just be patient and let the system work for you. It has so far.
OKay...what is ex parte communication? is that what you said about not allowed to talk to the one without the presence of the other?
I think I had asked my friend who's a para here one time about this too and she said that it wouldn't help...but then when I was sitting in court that day there was a father who had called the judge the day before but that was on a drug charge...the girl was given a drug test right then and there and then the father and judge agree to keeping her in jail until the family could find treatment for her....
Very big difference. You and POWS are adversaries in this case. The Judge is the impartial mediator (so to speak). If he were to speak to you without the other party present it could be construed a dozen different ways. In the case above, the father was working WITH the Judge to help his daughter. The father wasn't a party (civil) or a defendant (criminal).
OKay! I just emailed my friend to...briefly explained the sitch...
IT IS really frustrating that it APPEARS that POWS is getting away with MURDER...
On a positive note, I'm looking forward to this rummage sale this weekend, it's for the non-profit organization that I help chair...I'm hoping that we turn a good profit...we have a local grant that will match what we make...
I've done all the adversiting that I can for it, but I'm also looking forward to getting this over with! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Also, my pressure washer WILL BE IN TOMORROW!!!!!! AWESOME!!!!
Thanks PM for the advice...I would hate to screw up something at this point...whether it's the actual tools or the money in the long run I'm cool...I just really want all of this over with...also is there the possiblility that community property can be settled before the final date...
i know BC has worked all of that stuff out, but my sitch has been soooo drawn out...I'm tired of dealing with this LITTLE BOY!!
Would you consider that you used to wait to feel righteous anger, reactive pain or deep fear before you would permit yourself to act (and mostly do this unconconsiously)?
We wait for proven provocation...or not so proven (why I assumed so much)...as if we felt enough of something, we would act and enforce a boundary...which usually meant we'd do it passionately or emotionally...and way over the top.
You noticed you no longer have these emotions in the mornings, getting everyone's daily routine kicked off...mostly by kicking butts...can you see the permissions in there that now are not? You enforce, anyway...and that's what you're doing to notify the court, in the proper way, that POWS violated their orders.
Not acting because you're hurt or ticked off...because you clearly see the violation and you're doing the right thing.
This is how we retrain our brains...just like your morning routine...chose a different perspective or perception...stop focusing on how to get others to do and mind what we do...which changes everything. Brings that peace you love and delight...that satisfied sigh...all as results from holding yourself to doing without having to feel first.
Helps us to stop reacting to our feelings or living from them, I think. All part of the retraining.
And hey, on that dream...what a GREAT dream IMO. Wow. Mine of DH and OW were always flipping me off, laughing, walking away and the message...you deserve this. Thanks for reminding me that I don't have those dreams anymore.
And you won't either...you know they cease over time, with your own changes...and now that you're SLEEPING (big, humungous kudos on that, Rin)...who knows what dreams may come.
Would you consider that you used to wait to feel righteous anger, reactive pain or deep fear before you would permit yourself to act (and mostly do this unconconsiously)?
Most definitily!
Quote
and that's what you're doing to notify the court, in the proper way, that POWS violated their orders.
Well, I'm a little confused about what way that is right now...I was fine with what I had done with notifing my lawyer...and now I'm not sure if I've done my part or if my part's not over yet...
Quote
And hey, on that dream...what a GREAT dream IMO.
I agree, LMAO...most of the dreams I have or nothing like this one...I'm usually fighting with POWS and OW...so the change was nice...I think that it was a result of OS seeing reality for what it is even when MIL tells him different...he's a really smart kid...
On the sleep thing...some nights are good like last night and others are not so good...I'm really happy with I get a night like last night...the first two nights I was in the house were like last night and then I went on a strecth of waking four or five times a night for a while...
Thing is it doesn't stress me out like it use too!
Now, I've had a new little something added to my plate this morning...YS! School called said that he's been crying at school this past week, complaining his head hurts...I don't know if he's REALLY sick, no symptoms...or if it's more of not wanting to go to school...he fought MIL last year about going to school...
So, I'm friends with the Master teacher that's there and she going to get the IC to talk to him then call me...
So, plate's full...all others issues and problems will have to take a backseat until something is solved or needs to be put on the back burner for a while....
Oh, FYI...before PM's post I did try calling the judge this morning but didn't get an answer and the aswering machine was not on according to the message that I got!
Well, I'm a little confused about what way that is right now...I was fine with what I had done with notifing my lawyer...and now I'm not sure if I've done my part or if my part's not over yet...
Notifying your attorney WAS the right way to do it. If you're not satisfied that they're following up then you keep following up with THEM until they DO something (i.e. request a hearing, file a motion, call POWS attorney, etc.)
Well, there's where I am presently...following up b/c I have a few things that need to be taken care of right not...the holiday schedule and the possession that he took...
Funny, I left with the trunk of my car packed and HE leaves with the back of his truck and a 16' tandem axle trailer, packed!! I have witnesses BTW!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
So, I'm waiting to hear back from para or lawyer right now...there's some stuff that I've asked to be typed up and send to POWS's attorney...
PrincessM, I would disagree only in that the judge has already issued his ruling. This call has nothing to do with the case...which has been settled. This is informing the judge that his order has not been filed. If the case had not been settled, i would agree 100% with your advice.
In other words, he is no longer an impartial mediator...he has heard the facts and issued his ruling...set of instructions...I see no reason to not inform him of the facts.
I don't think the case has been settled. Am I wrong about this Rin? They only had a temporary hearing and some orders were issued. If he violates the order, then it's up to the attorneys to file a motion for contempt. The case is still open and won't be closed until the final decree is signed by the Judge.
The order is a result of a temporary hearing. This is common in family law. Even if the case were closed, she would still have to file a motion for contempt to reopen it. I seriously doubt the Judge would even consider speaking directly with a party to a lawsuit, unless that party were pro se and it was an exparte hearing.
WHEN WE WENT TO COURT IT WAS STRICTLY FOR cs, CUSTODY, USE OF THE HOME...the judgement is being typed up by POWS' attorney...so, no I think we are far from closing the case!
Well, I just got the fax from my lawyer on the joint custody implemention plan with the holiday schedule and clauses...
I reviewed it and called to make the changes that needed to be made...my lawyer's office still doesn't have a copy of the judgement yet..so we are sending this over to see if this will fly with POWS and his attorney...
No word on the other stuff yet...para's still waiting to see...
WOOOOO HHHHHOOOOOOOO! THe pressure washer's in a DAY early...I'm dressed to try it out, just waiting on OS to get some homework done before we go play!
OMG< I'm SOOO excited...we pulled it out of the box and it smelled like gas, normally I don't like that smell, but it was the smell of a new 142cc toy!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> MY TOY! I OWN IT!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Oh, it was well worth the expense, I've NEVER owned one before...borrowed or hired people to do it for me...so I'll get a return on my investment after two house cleaning!! WOOO HOOOO!!!
No new toys for a while...not like this, I got pretty much everything I need except a ladder...so I'm good...the upkeep on the house is an open and shut case BABY!!
It's a good month to clean a house!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Well, THat will have to wait til tomorrow...I have no oil!
None, and I didn't replace what I usually carry in my car...
I did notice also that POWS did SOMETHING to the lawnmower while I was gone too...the covers off...I may ahve to repair that too...I'm sure that it needs an oil change anyway...I'm sure that he didn't do that...I usually cared for my lawnmowers...
Let's just give another thank you to my DAD and SD...my dad for teaching me this stuff and my SD for always telling me to never depend on a man...
I don't know everything by far but what I do knwo gets me by...and I'll willing to learn and be taught!
Turbo! WOW! It must still be top secret...or POWS hid that issue from me when it came in, thinking that I would retire him faster than I did!! LMAO...
Still no arrears yet...so, we will see...If I don't get it by Monday I will be calling the lawyer to file contempt...he had to get it to me within 30 days from Sept. 14th...Sunday will be in 14th and then the next CS payment is due on the 15th! I mentioned it to the para when I spoke to her yesterday...
Well, I got the oil for the pressure washer but I really don't feel like doing it today...and we have to be at the rummage sale for 6am and I'm not sure if I'm going to work it til it closes...that would be a really long day for the kids...
I'll see how it goes...I know Spon. is hoping to collect one figure in she head but my figure is double her's...That's good money to for that matching grant that we know about...
I'm starving, so let me get something to eat and sit for a little while...relax...
HI, Everyone! I doing pretty good...started sneezing again...I'm sure that it has to do with the weather change...we're officially in fall...temp downed to 58 late night...80's during the day...
Anyway, rummage sale was great...I spent way to much but got some great things for the house and it does help the organization that I volunteer for...
The boys were my plumbing helpers earlier...I got a new kitchen faucet in, best one I've ever had...soap dispenser! WOW...anyway, they helped install that and I had a PVC piece I had to install as a result of the my water lines under the house, so they helped with that...
Then, YS and I installed a wine rack and relocated the existing light that was where the wine rack is now...I wouldn't let him use my tools so he went get his play tools and every tool I used he would get his out and use it...
That's the gifts that I will remember and they will too I'm sure! helping mom work on things...last night I painting the living room...I have a little more to go...I wasn't going to do anything but the more I sat there and looked at that wall, the more I couldn't stand it...
So, I painted until 2am, then got up a little after 5 to get ready for the rummage sale...I wasn't sleeping well anyway...LOL...
We got home after 3 and YS and I took a nap...then a friend called and came by to see what I have done so far...it's been a pretty successful weekend...right now the boy's are in charge of filling a box of the toys that they want to get rid of! AND MOM MADE SURE THAT IT WAS A BIG BOX!! LMAO
LMAO..the house was getting cleaned and looking better but you know how when you start a project you HAVE to MESS things up again before they get better!! LMAO...
GOGO chewed up another pair of my shoes today...my Harley Davidson ones, I wore today! I was SOOOOO mad...I've got to find something that works with this child or I'm going to have to make a decision on whether to keep her...I would hate to have to get rid of her...maybe a obedience class...I don't know, we'll see about that later...
Guess I really need to look at it this way...my IC said once that kids need six months to adjust whether it's agood or bad change, same must go for the dog!
Well, I'm going sit for a little while...LMAO...until I get a wild hair to do something else around here! LOL
Hi All! I hope that you are all doing well! The boy's and I had a good weekend. The rummage sale went great, didn't make as much as we were hoping but every little bit helps...
I got up early today...and started moving furniture in the living room, removed the HUGE entertainment center that was in there...that WAS A HUGE TASK...a few inches here a few inches there...I vacuumed all the dust out of the carpet...GEEZE!!! The house was in poor condition...when I say a LAYER of dust...I could have planted flowers in the entertainment center!! LMAO...
Got a few things done in my bathroom...a few things in the kitchen, but the boys and I REALLY tackled outside along the fence...now I can sit in the living room and see down the road, before all I saw was leaves and branches...I even went in the renter's yard next door and cut the branches from there...I'm sure MR. G will not mind...we talked about teh fence line when he purchased the house...
The boy's rooms are complete destruction/construction zones! I'm not touching them....YET!!! OS says it's going to get better I'm looking for things to get rid of....while I'm thinking to myself...wait to much longer and you won't come back from your dad's with much of anything left!!! LMAO...
Christmas IS right around the corner and I'm liking the idea that I don't have to TRY to consult POWS on what to get them...I can just do it! I think I'm going to go for a BIG item this year...something for the back yard...
Oh, and YS wants one of those Kettcar's, there was one at the rummage sale and I was going to get it...I had already talked with Spon., who was running everything...well another member marked it down without telling anyone and a man got it...YS was SOOOOO upset, crying, so I calmed him down, and said Santa would be coming soon, maybe he would get one then...it helped but he was heartbroke!
Anyway, I've been sneezing more and I'm trying my best to get over this stuff...with the weather change and all of the dust...I'm just having trouble! So, let me get to bed and get some rest!
Well, I had to call my lawyer this morning! POWS has not paid the arrears within the 30 days and today he's due for the second part of Oct. CS...
Para asked me to call back tomorrow if I haven't gotten anything from him today...
So, that's where I stand on enforcing the boundaries...
Outside of that, I think things are going well. I'm having a terrible time shaking this cold...I woke up with my head pounding...took some meds and came to work...feeling a little better...
:a weak smile:
Hope everyone's doing well...praying for you all and thinking about you!
Okay, this is the momma in me (or the grandma) but from the way you've described the dust in your house (thanks POWS!) next time you start doing some work on your home it might be a good idea to wear a dust mask. Stirring up all that dust, along with the weather, can't be helping your cold or sinuses. You hear me young lady?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thanks PM! I haven't even thought about that, that's a great idea...I'll have to see if POWS left one or two in the garage, if not I'll have to go get some...
I feel like there's a DUH moment in here somewhere...LOL
Morning! I had the most horrifing dream last night...well, this morning!
I think that POWS coming by when I wasn't here to drop off CS triggered it...
Anyway, in the dream POWS showed up, I was sleeping and someone let him in the house, YS was sick and I was caring for him, I have no clue where OS was...Well, POWS was on night shift and he showed up with all of his work equipment, microwave, etc....he was going to start working days the following Monday...
Well, I asked him to leave said that I was not comfortable with him being here...he wouldn't...I told him that it wasn't his house anymore and he laughed and said that it was...
I picked up the phone to call the police and walked outside, he followed and tried taking the phone away from me...I ended up dailing the wrong number becasue he was trying to get teh phone and a lady answered so I asked her to help me...there was a struggle between me and POWS and I throw the phone across the yard...he got me back inside and left me alone...
YS was crying and POWS told me "see what you did!" I comforted YS and was able to sneak off again to try to call the police, but POWS appeared and we got into an angrument...I asked him to leave again and he wouldn't...I remember telling him "you never listened to what I had to say!" I was crying hard. Well, I tried calling the police on his phone this time and it was broke...He caught me and I throw the phone again...he told me that I better go pick it up and I refused...
Somehow or another I get locked in a closet full of paint and I tried starting a fire to let someone know that I was there...the windows were painted so you couldn't see out or in...I'm not sure but the lady that I dailed by accident must have called the police because after some time the police rescued me from my prison...
I was a complete wreck, I had been in the closet for a few days...and during that time POWS and I had fought several times...him trying to come into the closet and I had pushed a shelf up against the door so that he couldn't get in...
After my rescue, I had found out that he had done this to other woman too and then I woke up...
Good thing it's only a dream...vivid, but only a dream...the only things true in real life in comparison to the dream is his attitude and once I walked outside to call my Spon. and he followed with his arms folded at the top step...he wouldn't let me leave with the kids to go visit my parents said that I could go but not the kids....so I stayed...
Good thing life has changed huh? Today I don't have to deal with that...
LMAO...This is the worse dream I've had in a while...
YS is sick and I slept on the sofa until he woke up and joined me...I had the dream while I was sleeping with him...when I woke up from it, I went crawl in my bed!
Ys's here with me at work...his head's stopped up...he was running a fever at 4 this morning...he's in good spirits, he just woke up and is in a playful mood...still sounds bed but doing well!
I'm tired and could use a nap! LMAO...
Thanks PM, I'll try to lay off those before bedtime! LMAO...
Well, we're home for the day...we went to lunch and YS has some projectile vomiting going on in the restuarant...
I handle things so differently now a days...we were walking to the bathroom when he did it...I just catch the closest person and explained and followed after him!
HI ALL! My para faxed me a copy of the judgement this morning and the joint custody agreement...
The arrears was stated in court that they be paid within 30 days and on the judgement that his lawyer typed up it said until Oct. 20th...now, let me explain....half of the arrears which is $1710...if paid after the 30 days POWS owes the whole $3400...So, I caught them on that!
Then, I didn't know that he was suppose to give me $150 dollars for a bill...then, there were some things on the holidays and there was no first right to refusal, so we are are amending the documnets and sending them back...
Right now, POWS is legally entitled to claim the kids on taxes but if he is behind on his CS, I DO!!
Hi, we JUST got back from the dr....he's doing great, will be back in school tomorrow...just sinus infection...WHEW!!
HE's really active today and driving me batty...LMAO...He slept most of the day yesterday...I slept some too! LMAO...
It's good to see that there are consequences, in the copy of the judgement POWS' lawyer was giving him 36 days to pay half of the arrears...So, I'm stucking to that one and IT DOES say that all movables therein the address of my house is to stay...so it's a slow process but it's coming together...
It would be nice to claim the kids this year! I know LG said that I should claim them anyway but I don't want POWS calling me into contempt of court...But I will certainly claim them if he is behind on CS...
Well, I have to go get YS's medicine filled, we stopped at home to get something to eat...then we're headed back to work...he was helping me out this morning...one of my bosses even got him McDonald's and HE ATE...one pancake, a sausage, one and a half hashbrowns plus chocolate milk...compared to yesterday I would say he doing MUCH BETTER!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Thanks for asking AmI...I hope that you are doing well and all that are in your life! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Good Morning Everyone! Ys is feeling better this morning, no temp so I'm sending him off to school and he's no happy about it! Oh, well! I am!! LMAO...
It's been pretty quiet around there...HNs don't bother me at all, will say hi to the boys from time to time but that's about it...or the boys will yell to they hello...I don't even look in HNs directions...
The only thing I NEED to do is get a fence up so that crazy dog will stop sneaking off across the road like she did again at 2am this morning! I've also lost another pair of shoes to her, so YS and I went to the pet store and got some stuff called bitter apple to spray of the stuff she's chewing on and SHE HATES IT!!!! So, we're using it for other behavior problems too! She's almost learned how to sit!
I also GOT A SURPRISE late b-day gift for a great friend...Specially made for me...an LSU Bracelet, it's goregous, I put it on as soon as I got it! I was SOOOO excited, I love surprises and it's beautiful!!!!
:whispering thank you again: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I have really made some AWESOME friends here and I know I haven't been posting to you guys with work and my home CPU but you all just wait! I'll be back, fair warning now! WATCH OUT!!! I'm gathering my spy gear now, lurking...LMAO...
WEll, let me get out of here and finish getting dressed for work...Oh, I'll let you know what I find out on this judgement...I know that POWS is in for some consequences...arrears double, he removed property from the addresses, and he owes me additional money for a bill...
I have to thank all of you guys (males) out there that have supported me and have taught me so much...
Frog- you know you're at teh top of the list...
MEDC- You're amazing! Thank you for your support...
Healingbird- I know that we don't talk now...I think the last screenname I chose messed us up!
Longhorn- For being the first person to help me out...
PSB- For all of the support, continued support and the little extras along the way...
BC- you too man... I appreciate it!
Christner, LG, SDguy...
You guys ahve all taught me that there are real men out there and that I should have respect for myself and that there are men out there who will respect me as much if not more than I respect myself...
That there are men with intregity, moral character, and values...That the life I was living didn't have to be, to take the chance and change the things that I can control...
To work behind my fear and live in the moment...to take one day at a time...demand more...to not be judgmental...to be honest...
I thank all of you for showing me what real men are like and that they are real, not just something that I use to dream about!
For all you ladies...WOW, so inspiring...tenderhearted...caring...strong...tough...I thank you for all of the support and for helping pick me up when I was down...for teaching me a better way of thinking about life, myself...for helping me gather my courage...
The list is endless for all of you...I certainly would NOT be where I am today had it not been for the love, kindness, kicks in the butt, sharing of your experience, hope and faith...
I AM WHO I'VE DREAMED ABOUT BEING...I love myself...I love life...my kids...I just hope and pray that I can give what I've received...my journey has just begun and it's been one heck of a ride but I wouldn't trade all the hurt, pain, joy, and all the other emotions that come with it!
I value my life today...so to anyone out there struggling with your sitch...IT DOES get better...whatever you are feeling...trapped...extreme betrayal...like your world is/has ended...it you dream about something horrible happening to you or you're thinking about it...KNOW that you can get through it and be OKAY...better than OKAY!!! Wonderful...all that pain and hurt does go away...YOU CAN DO IT!!! No matter your sitch! Whatever path of recovery that you are guided down! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
THere's a day when triggers occur very rarely and if it does happen you're not triggered long...it's a pebble in the road...not that bolder that you can't see around...
There's a place of senerity and peace...a place of gratitude for all that you have experienced in your life...no anger balled up inside of you...no unexpressed emotion resulting from fear...no regrets...happiness...joy...you may not feel it as strongly all the time but it's there...just have faith...
So, so very happy for you, Rin! I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. You are an amazing, incredible woman, a terrific mom, who is beautiful and courageous.
What a blessing to everyone whose life you touch....even virtually.
I AM WHO I'VE DREAMED ABOUT BEING...I love myself...I love life...my kids...I just hope and pray that I can give what I've received...my journey has just begun and it's been one heck of a ride but I wouldn't trade all the hurt, pain, joy, and all the other emotions that come with it!
Thank you SOOO much guys...You both have been a MAJOR part of this journey!!!!
It's all coming together and I still have time left on this D...I didn't think that I would be so calm in POWS wake...but here I am...
I found out last night that he's not on the floor at work anymore, that he got an office job...thing is there's that minority thing and they had to fill the job...it's all about quotas these days!
I thought to myself, NOW he tries to move forward and advance in life...but really it's just the same [censored] just a different day for him...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> NOT FOR ME!!
I WILL that's were ALL of the gorgeous people sit and sweetie I've seen you're pic, so you have a SPECIAL seat revised! RSVP!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I've been wanting to tell you that for some time BTW!!!
I simply try to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. You have been given much from many here, and you have much to give others yourself. You are a success in recovering yourself. Your growth is amazing, even in the short time I have known of your sitch here on MB.
I thank YOU for the kindness and encouragement you have shown me.
Minor update...I got the half of arrears from POWS today...like the draft judgement said 10-20...
I'm going to call my lawyer this afternoon and let them know...I hope that they have gotten acopy of the minutes from court...b/c here we are 36 days later!
In a way, I hope he's shocked when he finds that he has to pay me the other half...I had to ask SPon. when I tlaked to her to validate that I heard within 30 days...just to know that I heard what I heard!!
Off to the bank! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Good Morning Everyone! I hope and pray that you are all doing well...
I've been really busy of late...making new friends, cleaning the house, finished painting the living room, except for the trim, started painting the dining room! Putting up pictures on the wall...etc., etc., etc...
I got to pressure wash some of the house this past Sun., I had to work on the lawnmower for about three hours, got it running, got the front yard cut and it died, wouldn't start again...it was getting late and I had to leave to go somewhere so I'll work on that another day...
We're all doing well...kids went camping with POWS and the HN1 was there this past weekend...all I heard was that POWS played football with OS...I think that was good...
POws gave me trouble about the cable bill, said something to the effect that he's given me x amount of dollars in the past months...I should have the money to pay it...I told him to turn it off...I didn't tell him this but I'm not paying the bill until it's turned off...now whether that means HE turns it off or the cable company does it doesn't matter....I'm going to get it turned back on in my name...
I HAVE found SOMEHTING that I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!! The heater! I tried turning it on this morning and it wouldn't do anything...judging from the gas bill I don't think that it's turned on...I looked at it but have NO CLUE!!! So, I'll get my contractor to come over or a friend and look at it...If it's broke I have a plan and if it's not that's cool too!
OH, also ran into a co-worker of POWS last night which kind of upset me and I did let it take up space in my head for some time...he was trying to say that he kept talking to POWS and telling him that it would work out and he was hoping to run into me...I told him he didn't know HALF of the story that someone was getting violent and I wasn't going to stick around for him to hit me...
he sai something about how he thought that if the HNs didn't get involved that that would have helped too...I said YEAH, accusing me of pulling a gun on one of them and POWS was STILL doing me and the kids dirt...no thank you! So I did let that upset me and I had to keep telling myself to stop thinking about it...wasn't working so I called a friend and talked about it...that made it better...
We're going to the circus tonight! I'm looking forward to it...and my computer parts came in yesterday so I'll have a new computer up and running this weekend. HURRAY!!!!
Well, I'm SUPER TIRED TODAY...last to nights I've gone to bed at 1am and this morning it was so cold in the house that I just stayed up, warming the house with the oven...I'll go home for lunch and take a nap and make it a point to go to bed early tonight!
I KNOW THAT I'M TRYING TO GET TO MUCH done right now and I need to let it go and slow down...
So that's where I am today and have been...I'm feeling pretty good...still waiting to hear from my lawyer about the judgement and consequences for POWS...
I've lost 14 pounds and had to go buy new clothes this past weekend...now I'm in a six and headed for my fours...but I didn't have any NICE clothes at the house in my size...that's from a 12 to a 6...being 4'11" that's a huge difference...
Well, let me get to work this morning, it's going to be a struggle to made it to lunch today...I had an errand to run but I'm going to skip it...it's not that important and CAN WAIT!!
Hope you ALLLLLLLLL have a blessed day!! Take care!
Hi All! Talked to my Paralegal today...POWS was within the time frame on the arrears...apparently they asked for an extension...great that I was informed...oh, well...
SO, POWS is current on his CS! Rough judgment still sitting on my lawyer's desk for him to look over...so we're in teh process...it's just still slow!
HURRAY! With some courage, LOL, Alot of it!!!! I figured out this heater thing and it's running!
This was something that I didn't have a clue about...in the seven years that we had been in the house I never touched it...had no clue where to begin and BAM...looked at it like it was an alien from other planet...played with that knob, thought about it, and I figured it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The pilot light had never been out and I never knew how to lite it...it was one of the thing on my list that I was clueless about...well, not anymore...
it's funny how those little things seems sooo HUGE when you don't know and to "get it" is sooo AWESOME...That was a major fear of mine...it breaking and having to replace it...
Good Morning! Just posting to let everyone know that I'm still alive! LOL
new computer's up and running at home, so AWESOME!!! Thanks again to that other brother of mine!
Since I had company this weekend I didn't do a whole lot of work, just really relaxed and enjoyed the time off...BBQed at another friend's house, hung out and laughed alot picking on each other...It was absoletely awesome to enjoy great company!
I laughed at myself so much this weekend...getting to the airport wasn't so bad but going home was interesting...then the trip back to the airport yesterday was easy...that made up for Friday's adventure! LOL
I did get a call from MIL on Sat., ggod thing that I had someone to listen to the message that FIL left on my voice mail...I told MIL that she was enabling POWS and she went on to say something about the CS that POWS pays me...I just said goodbye and hung up! Basicly, I'm suppose to pack clothes for these boys every weekend that they go with him...
According to POWs he doesn't have room to keep clothes for them...he IS living in his camper...yeah right! We got into it about first right to refusal...he said that I'm still trying to control him...I told him that it was the law...and repeated that several times...
He was almost an hour late dropping the boys off...I didn't talk to him when he got to the driveway, just took the bad of clothers from him, handed him his mail and went inside and locked the door...
So I'm still documenting...and I'm hoping that he screws up enough that I can limit the visitation that he has now...OH, he tried to tell me that the court gave his mom a weekend a month...I said no they didn't...that time was for you! This is where the control comment came in, because he said something about what if I have to work...I said you call me then I give them back after you get off of work...
See this stops him from handing them off to his mom, 4 hours away...heck, I TMed him 10 minutes after 7 to ask where they where, didn't get a call back until about 20 minutes after...said it was traffic...but OS mentioned that it was Step-BIL that made them late...
The whole night was frustrating...so I'm not sure what to do on the clothes thing...YS asked me this morning on the way to school why I was unhappy last night when dad dropped them off that I'm usually happy...he said that he didn't mind carrying clothes back and forth to his dad's...
I don't know I'm open to ideas...I knew I shouldn't have asnwered that call Sat...MOF, I thought when MIL started talking that something had happened to OS, but it was about clothes and his eyeglasses that he had broke on the Thurs., which I called an ordered a new pair first thing Friday...
Oh, OS asked me if FIL had called an cussed me out b/c he heard him say something on his cell phone in the living rrom...I told him that he did call but I didn't asnwer the call...he wanted to tell me what was said and I told him that I didn't want to know...
I let my "BIG brother" listen to the voicemail and I asked if there was anything that I needed to know and he said NO!...So I left it at that...
I'm hoping to hear something from my lawyer soon...I'm ready to get on to the next part of the settlement...MOF, POWS asked me if I wanted him to keep the kid's clothes in his storage...I thought to myself that's not my problem where you keep their stuff...he was saying something about not having cable and living in substandard condition...ALSO NOT MY PROBLEM, NOT MY CHOICE!!!
Well, how much room can 2 or 3 boys' outfits take? The way my son and his ex worked it when she had custody was that he had a few outfits for the kids at his house. During the weekend, he would wash the outfits that the kids wore over to his house, and he would send them home in the freshly wsahed clothes. During the visit, they wore the clothes that he kept for them.
No big deal at all! In fact, I also keep clothes at my house for the kids...just in case of impromptu "spend the night" occasions.
I wouldn't think that it's no big deal...I talked to my para about it and she didn't think that it was a big deal either but I can't make him do it...so I pack clothes for them in the future...she said personally she didn't want her kids to feel like they were going visit their dad and packing a bag would make them feel like that...
Well, we know it's not about what's in the best interest of the kids, it's all about him and how easy can he get it...
I had a few other things to tell her about too...I got one of the bills that POWS was court ordered to pay and he didn't pay it last month...
Thank you, I am trying to remember to breathe and be still...
i can't seem to get that committee out of my head...I'm wanting to lash out at him...knowing that I can't...higher road and all...
i think that it is a good night to do some reading in my recovery bible...perhaps I need to ask someone to pray for POWS and his family...like Sis did b/c I can't...I'm only wishing bad things for him in my head right now!
Morning! I think TBH Bugs it had a lot to do with MIL calling me about clothes then FIL calling too...the combination of all of those things just set me off...
I think that it was just reacting to the whole thing...
I KNOW that they don't know the half of it and that they are blaming me for this whole thing...WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!!! We could have worked on things through MC, but he didn't want that...he didn't want to protect the family adn the marriage...THAT'S not MY fault...IF I had things MY way I would STILL be in a M working things out...
Personally, I'm sick of getting the blame, doesn't mean I'm accepting it...I want to be loved the way that God intended, to be treated with respect and to be cherished...
I figured it up the other day, I've been dealing with this sitch for well over 18 months...18 months from D-day...and months before that when I knew he was "just" tlaking to her...so, we're tlaking two years...
POWS is a lair and a con artist...I'm pissed that I'm in the position that I am in and I want true companiship, a team mate, someone to love...I want someone to share my day with...
Okay, I'm going to stop now, I didn't sleep well last night...I went to bed earlt, actually fell asleep on the sofa and woke up, sneezed, and I think that I pulled a muscle in my neck or something...it hurts down into my should blade in the back...I'm cranky and tired...This morning wasn't the best, YS missed the bus AGAIN...lots to do today...at least I don't have to cook...
let me get back to work...LOL...I wasn't wound up until I read your post then I just let it go...Thank you! it was stirring around in there somewhere...I get mad at him still from time to time...wish he would fall off the earth when I do...most other times I'm cool with him...
The kids asked to call him last night, said POWS had asked them to call him during the week...
...I'm going! Thanks for posting to me! Seeing how I am...
Sounds like the IL's are getting into the mix, that can be so frustrating. They're only hearing one side of the story, though, and it's not hard to believe that STBX might use you as the scapegoat with them, so maybe their attitude is a little bit understandable -- even if not appropriate.
Maybe you need a standard phrase to use with them -- about everything -- CS, packing clothes, right of first refusal, where the kids spend time -- whatever it is, refuse to discuss it with them. "MIL, I believe you have the kids best interest at heart, but you're only hearing one part of the story. This is something that STBX and I will work out."
Repeat as neccessary, especially that last sentence. 5 times in the same call if you have to.
I think that it's probably in your and the kids best interests to keep a civil relationship with the IL's. If the kids can see you being polite and behaving appropriately (and your ODS is a heck of an observer, so he'll notice) then they are less likely to buy into any bad-mouthing that happens on the other end.
Seeing you behave and be polite and appropriate will pretty much discount any of the comments they hear (or over-hear) like: "Your mom never does ....." or "Your mom is so difficult..." or "That Rin, I chewed her out good! All she wants to do is fight and cause problems!" or whatever it is that's going on. Your kidswil know better because they will have seen how you actually act.
Hi AmI...I think that it's more of the same pattern with POWS...getting OP involved...first the HNs...now the ILs...and it is frustrating...thank you for the suggestion, I will indeed use it given they call again...
OS tested in listening skills 98%...he's awesome at hearing things...picking things up...
I think that OS does see and know the truth...
YS still doesn't understand...
I've got some others things that I'm frustrated about too...some boundary issues...seeing where the lack stems from...
LOL...It's E's fault...he commended the book "Boundaries" to me by Dr. Henry & Dr. John Townsend...haven't been pushing myself to read it...I've had it for over a week and I'm only on page 53...not me...
I see that I had a major problem with lack of boundaries in my M and I recently had a problem with that...saw it and am not trying to stand my ground...delayed gratification...frustrating...relearned that there's a thin line between hoping and expectations...
I'm really kicking myself today and I'm pretty disappointed...but like I said I'm tired and hurting a little...my neck has loosen a little bit...so that is adding to my mood today...
I've been pulling back from people too...
I was reminded the other day to be still! SO, that's what I'm trying to do right now...be still and breathe!
HI Everyone! I'm just popping in to let everyone know that things are well on the home front...
I got my new computer up and running...been downloading some tunes since POWS has all of the good CDs...Been working around the house...getting things cleaned up...
Today, my contractor started on the fence and put doors on the garage...I fixed my motion sensor light today...yesterday I put my wheel barrel together and move the dirt from the front of the house when we had the plumbering redone to the back of the house to correct the drainage problem that POWS and the neighbor behind us did...
Catch three cats today that were living under the house, I'll be dropping them off at the appropriate place tomorrow...
Moved Lord knows how many rocks and bricks...weedeated the front yard...figured out that the lawnmower I have despairly been working on to get it to run has a bent crankshaft...just the slightest bit...so, time for a new one but that will have to wait...
I'm still suck on the dining room painting...it's almost finished but I've been trying to do other things...like build the kids' PC...
So all in all things are going well...
POWS has been paying CS on time...he told OS that he desn't want me asking where they go for the weekends...well, I informed OS that according to the paperwork, POWS is suppose to let me know in advance where they are going if they are not going to be at his residence for more than 24 hours...
Then, POWS told be that he paid off a bill and I handed his (tonight) the bill stating that he still owes half...he "claims" he's got a conf. code that says he paid it all...I thought to myself "WHATEVER!" He doesn't bother me to often...point being I know he's going to lie and cover things up! I expect that from him...
I know some of you may thing bad of this but I have been meeting new people, guys, and I even have gone out on a few dates...nothing more than friends so far...I do have someone that I'm interested in a whole lot but I'm keeping my distance for the time being...
So there you have it...life goes on...things get better...and I'm enjoying it...I do have an occassional moment when something bothers me...committee meetings are held in my head, but I work that out...I look around this place and am proud of the things that I have done...it really looks great and will continue to improve...
I hope that everyone is doing well...I've tried to distance myself from MB a little...and so far it's been really healthy for me...
I have been meeting new people, guys, and I even have gone out on a few dates...nothing more than friends so far...I do have someone that I'm interested in a whole lot but I'm keeping my distance for the time being...
Rin, Rin, Rin. First, keeping your distance is the RIGHT thing to do right now because you're still a married lady and secondly, you're not "DONE" emotionally with POWS yet. It takes time to get there. I don't mean that you still want him, but you're still emotionally invested. He still "gets to you." When you can actually face him or think of him with indifference, then you'll be done.
Sweetie, please be careful. You're playing with fire and what are you teaching your boys? That's it okay to "date" while you're married?
We still love ya. You're doing GREAT and have made amazing progress personally and emotionally and you know we're here for you. I love reading your thread and watching your growth. You are truly an amazing woman and some man SOME DAY will be very lucky to have you in his life.
No, I think that it is Ok for her to date a little. She has no intention of getting POWS back, or having him back. They are DONE... The only thing that she may not be done with is her annoyance at him being such an irresponsible man. But, in time, she (as well as me!) will be able to deal with it a lot better!!!
I would also dare to venture that she is not bringing the kids around her dates, so I do not think that it is a problem.
Rin, you have grown so much, you have a good head on your shoulders, you have good judgment! I will put in my vote for it being ok!!!!!! LOL!
It is too bad that you have to wait so long for a D where you live! LOL!
Just quickly...I have a problem with the law here...according to the law here I'm technically married and am allowed to date...that's why I couldn't do anything to POWS...once you file that's it as far as "the law" is concerned...
If I would have filed prior to Jan. 1, I would have only six months...NOW, since I did it afterwards I have to wait a year...now, who came up with this great idea...the lawyer's to get more money out of us...
Why is it that other state have different laws on D? Some get a D in as little at a few weeks...
So, really it's a moral issue, which I'm having a HArd time figuring out what "I" believe and I'm leaning more towards what my law says...WHat exactly is "technically married"?
The boy's are no subject to most things that I do b/c they are not here on teh weekends...this coming weekend I will have them...but I usually don't...so they don't get to see what I do...
PM, thank you so much for all the compliments...I greatly appreicate that...you too Sadmo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
The way I see it... if you want to follow "man's law" then you are correct. You are free to date. If you want to follow "God's law" then you are wrong. You are not free to date until you are divorced. Even then, you should take it slow.
What was that movie? 28 days with Sandra Bollock? Once they completed treatment they couldn't get involved with anyone until they could keep a plant alive or a pet safe for a year? It was humorous but there was actually a serious meaning behind it. I believe the same logic applies when a marriage ends.
yes, that helps PM...you're not hurting me...I value your opinion...
I'm not ready to JUMp into anything serious one on one relationship...sleep with anyone/everyone out there...not ready to introduce anyone/everyone to my kids...
Then, I question what is God's law and you said until I'm Ded well, doesn't that encompass man's law...this is where my confusion comes in...
it's been 18 months since D-day...over two years since I've been dealing with this tragedy...I'm sure you can relate there...POWS annoints me in the way that the HN's do or someone driving down the street throwing trash out of the window...
I don't even know if I should call it dates, it's more like friends getting together...I don't know...I really don't...
I tend to agree with PM, in that you need more time. You have been through so much...SOOO much. You may feel so much more settled now than you did even just a few months ago, but relative to how settled you will be a year from now....why push it?
Personally, I see nothing wrong with going out with guys as friends and with friends (as in a group), but to hear you say that you are "interested" in someone sends up a little red flag for me.
You have yourself and your two boys to be interested in right now. Why spread around your emotional energy to anyone outside of that little circle?
My impression of you is that you are a go-getter who is like a bundle of energy, and sitting still is not in your nature. You've flown the coop and you want to spread your wings and FLY! Maybe you should sit there on top of your gilded cage for a while and check out the landscape, listen to your own song, and stretch your wings a bit before you make that leap.
Besides, if you wait until the D is final, you will always KNOW that you held yourself to the absolute highest standard throughout the whole thing...that you NEVER betrayed your vows, even when it was just a formality. You could have, but you didn't because it was THAT important to you.
Of course...this is all easy for me to say because I have no contact with anyone of the opposite sex. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My office is 21 women/0 men, I have only sisters, and all my friends are married. I'll likely be single forever, living with my sister like two little old spinster ladies. Yikes!!!
So anyway, congratulations on having an avenue to meet people....when the time is right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm sure this is one of those super controversial things that could cause a big stir, that everyone will have a different opinion and you'll still have to decide for yourself what's right.
I think there is a test that might help you decide. You might need someone to help you really analyze your motives, though. Determine whether or not you're justifying -- trying to find reasons that it is OK, trying to MAKE it ok for yourself, or trying to hide it .... that would all be a signal that there's something wrong. Waywards justify and try to manipulate reality to fit their slipping morals -- and you aren't a wayward. Or can you really look at it and say "This is my code, this is what I truly believe in, and how I want to live my life ... and in this situation I am acting in line with my code".
My opinion -- and I've never been in your sitch, so I can't really advise you -- but for me, when people start questioning the concept of "technically married", it makes me cringe. It sounds so much like what WS's say. "Well, I was still 'technically married' but in my heart, we were already divorced" or whatever other types of nonsense they spout.
IMO, there's no "techically" to it. Just like being pregnant -- you either are or you aren't. You can't be "technically" or "sort of" or "only on paper, but not in my heart". So, IMO, you're married. Not "technically", you just are.
And, also IMO, it's not ok for married people to date other people. That's just a standard hard boundary for me. If people weren't willing to cross that line, then none of us would have ever had to be here. Being able to find grey in that line is a little bit scary to me. I personally do not want to ever allow myself to look for any wiggle room in that boundary -- because wiggle room in that boundary is what got me here in the first place. So for me, it's not ok and wouldn't fit my code.
But then again, I've never been in the sitch that you are. And I used to always say that I'd NEVER stay with a spouse who cheated. That was a huge black boundary wall for me, too, until it happened to me. So things aren't always as black and white as they seem.
You just really need to know and pay attention to what your moral code is and be able to truly say whether your actions fit your code, or are you trying to force a sitch that sounds like fun for now and pretend and justify why it's ok if it doesn't fit? It's not always easy to be objective and make those determinations, but I think you can do it.
Then, I question what is God's law and you said until I'm Ded well, doesn't that encompass man's law...this is where my confusion comes in...
Good question!
To put it simply... I believe it was Moses who came up with a way for a man to divorce his wife with a "Bill of Divorce" or something similar. But it wasn't until after a kind of trial and the husband handed his wife the bill, that they were legally divorced (no longer married). This was Moses way of handling issues of that time.
God's law comes into play concerning divorce when he says it is a sin to commit adultery. Adultery is sex outside of marriage whereas fornication is sex without marriage.
The question is... in your state... when are you divorced? My opinion is that you are not divorced until the FINAL DECREE is signed (or in Moses' day, the husband hands the bill of divorcement to the wife after the trial). Your state may say that you can ACT like you're not married but they won't legally recognize you as divorced person until the decree is signed --otherwise-- why make you wait?
I'm sure the Bible scholars will hammer me on my interpretation but this is just the way I see it.
I agree that is sucks for some people in some states.
You can be divorced in some states in a month or two. In my state you can have everything settled but they will not put the rubber stamp on it for 6 months.
In other states it is one year.
So man's law determines how long you "HAVE" to legally stay married.
So would it be wrong for you to date if you lived in CA where you would be past the 6 month rubber stamp? You would be legally divorced here.
But then I go back to you are still married.
To me the difference is you have filed the papers you are past reconciliation. It is a technicality of law.
Heck if your STBX didn't drag his feet you may be D'd already.
Anyway you know I support you no matter what.
You know right from wrong and you will chose what is right for your heart.
Thank you so much Frog...that has been one of my major problem with this whole thing....I first started this thing out with...a year, no problem...
i am still married...okay I can deal with that...then I look at how fast the process is in other states and an consider God's law...and I run into problems there...
I have my son's saying from time to time...things about dating for me and marrying someone else...they are ready to move on...granted I'm not letting that push me into something but I'm perfectly capable of caring for them and myself in the sitch that we are in...
i don't "need" to be with someone...I learned a huge lesson by jumping into a relationship so fast with POWS...we knew each other a year while I was dating my XBF...we broke up and POWS and I start seeing each other and within two months we are living together...
That's not going to happen...I am done with him...I am stronger than I have ever been...I like where I am today...I get things done with easy...I play with the boys when I have them, we do things together...but three weekends out of the months I am alone...
Now, I don't feel alone all the time...this weekend I spend it working around the house and was great with them...but I have had the opportunity to connect with someone and have had to take a step back b/c of the sitch...trying to do the "right" thing...
Thus the question of man's law vs. God's law...I question WHY would God allow this individual into my life at this point in my life...I am in awe of his morals/values...his belief system...
I'll be the first to admit that I have NO clue what I'm doing...but I'm doing the best I can with what I have at with the time I have it...
I want really strong on I'm married until I file...but the way that the law is down here...once you file then you can do what you want and there are no repercussions... I had a huge problem with that at first...people that I know are upset that the law has changed and serves no purpose...
I'm caught in a crack and TBH, it has brought my to tears and I don't agree with it...
I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I have done so far, whether you call it dating or hanging with friends, has given me the opportunity to learn about my boundaries and to exercise them...I have learned that I have raised the bar on what I will accept and what I will not accept...
I have seen red flags and have walked away...do you know HOW AWESOME that is for ME????? I have allowed myself to be walked on, to be violated and today I will not stand for that...
NOw, if I sound like a WS tell me b/c I don't see textbook here...I honestly don't feel that I am justifing anything...but that's what I see and it has been on my mind...everyone's sitch is unique for a variety of circumstances...just look at teh difference b/t BC and I...
He has everything settled and has to wait out a time line...I'm still on custody and holiday schedules...
POint being, I still don't know what I'm going to do but I can say this I'm going to take things one day at a time, no rush into anything, enjoy where I am today, enjoy my boys and those wonderful smiles when I wake them up into the morning with some crazy off the wall voice or tickling them or letting the dog lick them to death...
I will not do what's been done to me and have a man pull before my kids...they are my flesh and blood and I will honor that...accepting me IS accepting my kids we are a packaged deal...I will protect them with my life from harm and foul play to the best of my ability...I will check "in" on myself to make sure that I'm not backpeddling...
These are the things that I know...So thank you ALL for your post...you have the opportunity to judge the case on an individual level...and come to your own conclusions as to whether I'm moving to the WS side or not...
I like to believe that my intelligence stand before my emotions these days and I'm doing a heck of a job not reacting but acting...that I have learned life lessons...
Thank you Frog for giving me the opportunity to open up and write it down...I was shutting down...
One more thing and you guys can take this anyway you want to but I wanted to file back in Oct. of last year and I thought that God was putting road blocks or stop signs in my way...
Had I filed them this would all be over with...I can remember thinking that God doesn't like D and I need to stick this out...I waited another six months and what happen...things got worst...POWS became more violate...come Jan 1 the law changed...
By trying to do the right thing...it's a moral dilemma for me...
LOL...It was cool here this morning...58...been really nice...haven't had to use the AC or anything...click on the heat in the morning b/f everyone gets up and then turn it off after we're moving around!
The highs 72 today...It's been wonderful here...I would love to build a fire soon...drink some coffee (perhaps with sometimes in it) SHHHHH!...and just enjoy the weather...
We came home yesterday adn the contractor's almost finished with the driveway gates...
OWWW!!!! HN1 has a big white utility, enclosed, in found of her house...could she be moving?
Everyone, we need a moment of silence, please pray that HN1 and her wonderful family move to they new house across town, and that they are happy and healthy in whatever they do...Amen! Please feel free to add anything else you see fit in there...LMAO
How's that for a change in topic? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Where you live matters...you are where you are, in the reality you are...let God work. Doesn't matter what other states do...you chose to live in yours. They changed the law. Accept this reality as just about you, for you...no kicking. For every five years of marriage, take one to heal. God reaches where you are, to connect to you.
I remember you saying you didn't want to involve yourself with another man...continuing the replacement crap you'd put yourself through...you wanted to learn more about you intimately before moving on...and I believe you've learned a lot. And that there's more.
I like the idea of groups...be aware of your own fantasies about anyone in particular. Be aware of your thoughts, know where you're dwelling...for you now know what you want others to provide to you that you're not providing yourself.
Signals...not judgment.
The antidote for justification is reality...acceptance. Also a critical part in your grieving. Which is for your own healing, fulfillment and affects your life.
You're worth every moment...and we grieve for a lifetime the loss of a parent...and we grieve for the loss of a partner, a marriage, an opportunity, an event...we do grieve. Learn how to grieve well...it's part of thriving.
I don't believe you've broken your enmeshment with POWS. I believe that's what you're still working on...and you may FEEL as if you really have if you replace him in your thoughts with someone else...in reality, it's more abandonment of you, isn't it?
May feel lonely, abandoned, invisible as a result. Trace that belief...you are whole, complete, amazing, marvelous...with both hands on reality. You are significant, a force in the universe, and equal to everyone else.
And remember...when a man will date a technically married woman...then he is choosing to participate in fantasy...seems fine while it's with you...you experienced this both ways with your STBX...hurt like ****** when he was participating in fantasy without you.
Not what you want. You want someone who will actually turn you down...because they don't choose fantasy...they cherish your reality.
Changes your picker, doesn't it? Right now, continue to pick yourself.
And my heart is right there with you on not having your boys on the weekend. That is one messed up and difficult visitation schedule. It's not forever, correct? It will change?
Happy Late Birthday! we took a family day off...YS was running a fever and I was exhausted so him and I slept most of the day and OS entertained himself...it was nice...yeah, it could change, POWS could get bored with it, or anything can happen...
No internet at home right now, in the process of changing services...going to save me some money...POWS didn't/wouldn't whatever turn the cable/internet service that we have now so I had to not pay the bill and I'm waiting for it to be turned off...
I had brief conversation with POWS yesterday...no biggie, a creditor called me, so I called him...I asked him what I needed, he asked me about the cable bill...told him that I would pay it after they turned it off and that I had asked him to do it and that he left me no choice...decent, polite, and quick...just the way I like it!
Well, i'm feeling better today, still tired but I don't think that it's affecting me like it was the past few days...i had to jump in the shower just to try to wake up this morning...fence is completed at the house and the garage is almost completely closed in...
I have a friend coming over to help me cut the grass this Sat. since my lawnmower is broke and he said that it wouldn't be a problem if he had to cut it again before winter..so I'm still handling problems with ease...
Thanks for the compliments...tough with class...LOL...yep, a tool belt to evening gown kind of gal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Morning...I had the boy's this weekend...it was pretty good...we stayed around the house...got my direct TV hooked up this weekend...
Sat. night I was cleaning up and going through some paper and I found some of POWS stuff...emails to HN2 from me to her...his retainer fee receipt and some other stuff...of course this has caused me to be melancholy or at least helped to set me in that motion...
Sun morning, I woke up to the phone ringing...it was HN2's stepson asking if the boys could go over and play...I let them, no sense in denying the boys fun becuase of the problems with adults...they played there until 4 when I called and asked for them to come home so we could go to church...HN2 was very upbeat and happy when I talked to her, of course, we didn't talk more than me to ask for the boys and her to say sure, no problem...She even sent over some clothes for YS that her DSS has outgrown...
I personally think that this relationship can be repaired to a decent "Hello, how are you doing?" civil one but never the way it was before...no hanging out together, cook outs, stuff like that...it would take alot on her part...
When the phone rang I was dreaming about DH and I in college...I had invited him back to my dorm room, like I had done so many times, he hung out while I went take a shower and it was good...there was no tension in the dream or anything...
Needless to say, I'm grieving...I grieved all day yesterday...just stayed on the sofa...didn't do much at all...I feel the same way today...
So, I'm grieving, I'm lonely, and I'm just sitting still and feeling my feeling...I cried some Sat. night after finding the papers...tried listening to some music that I thought would comfort me Sun. morning but that didn't help...so this is where I am...
I really could use some support today...it just occurred to me that POWS could be dragging HIS feet on this D, b/c he doesn't want it...and I have a strong urge to contact him today...
So thanks in advance... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Thanks LG...i appreciate the thought...i think that I don't come around more b/c it's difficult for me to read here...
sometimes I have to take a bite at a time...you know the elephant standing in the middle of the room...I can only take in a piece here and there...
This D is of course not something that I whole heartly wanted...and I still wonder what it would be like to get back with POWS...like today...wanting to contact him...then thinking he's "living" with OW, which he denies...seeing and talking to another OW and this is not something I want to be apart of...
It'll really heart wrenching...not talking to him, not knowing "where" in this process he is...
I don't see how we could ever Recon. from this, but find myself wishing so from time to time...
Days like today are not a limbo day but more of a "I'm lost day...not sure where I stand day!" I can only think that it's just part of the grieving process...
I still don't even know how the Thanksgiving holidays are going to be...POWS wants them from Friday through Thanksgiving...and I want them Friday through Wed. afternoon with POWs having them throught Thanksgiving to the Sunday...I tried calling my laywer today but they have taken the day off and will be back in tomorrow...
You could be right, he might be dragging his feet and not want the D ..... It seems kind of doubtful, but there are always possibilities like that, and you never know.
But even if that were true and he is dragging his feet to avoid the D, he hasn't done anything to show that he would be a decent mate. So far, all he has shown is that he wants control and to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants without any responsibility or concern for anyone else.
So even if he was stalling ... is that really what you'd want to have back again? You worked so hard to get out of that.
You have done your job, you went above and beyond and did everything you possibly could do. You stalled for a long time before the D was ever even on the table, trying to make it better. Now it's his turn, and if he doesn't want this D, then he better get in a hurry and show you some good reasons to keep it from happening.
You have done a great job, girl. Keep it up!
I wonder if these kinds of feelings are why your state makes people wait so long before the D becomes official .... give them a chance to make sure that they've done all that they can .... it doesn't seem like such a bad idea.
I don't think POWS is dragging his feet about the D any more than he was dragging his feet over every other thing he should have done on time-such as the house payments, CS, etc.
You are right about what you are feeling. It is grief. You are mourning for good reason. You share a history and kids with him. Add in the holidays and you have to process all that stuff again. Grieving has its own weird way of showing up unexpectedly. Sometimes the head can know you are doing the right thing, but the heart doesn't always follow the same timetable.
I know exactly where you are today. I still have many days where I wish I could stop this whole process and get my old life back. Then I have to remind myself that I was being hurt in my old life and do I really want to live everyday with rejection? Continue with a man that didn't want to be with me and his family on a daily basis?
This morning I went to Mass and the gospel was on forgiving. I'm going to call my paster to see if I can meet with him and talk about forgiveness. Wondering if finally forgiving will help me move forward. If that will stop the hurt that I feel on a daily basis? Can you forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgoveness?
Sorry for the TJ. Rin if you need to talk feel free to call me.
Hi, AmI...I think that you and JT are right...about him not stalling...it was just an idea that occurred to me...
I think the thought that stands out in my mind is POWs saying that he liked having his wife and GF at the ame time...THAT lurks in my thoughts OFTEN...
Thank you very much for the compliment...today is a minute by minute day...well morning...I have a lump in my throat and am doing ym best to keep it together today...at least while I'm at work...I'm running the show since the bosses are away...
I'll alot some time tonight to grieve...play some music that will conjure up my feelings and allow myself to cry...I still have an extremely difficult time allowing OP to se me cry...
JT...I read it adn will reply when I'm able too...lump in my throat and all...hopefully my internet connection will be up tonight...I'm changing services...
You reminded me that POWS is a procrastinator...(How could I forget that one!)His time not anyone else's!
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Sometimes the head can know you are doing the right thing, but the heart doesn't always follow the same timetable.
This is SOOOOO me right now...from time to time...I know that I'm doing the right thing and it doesn't bother me often but when that loniness hits it makes it EXTREMELY difficult to function...
I said the other day that I have no idea what I'm doing but being in the place that I am I have a good idea of what direction I need to go in...still doesn't stop me from longing to be with someone...to have that connection...but I would be no better than POWS if I were to find someone right now...it would be a distraction...now granted I know this...
Which I have questioned myself and have wondered if and I really don't even know how to put it...but the need to feel loved...that's why I came here today...I've been away partly my choice partly not...
Anyway, I could write on and on...with my stiffulls...
Thank you both...I'm doing the best I can with what I have...
AH, thanks Still...I don't think that you sharing your stuff is Tjing...it's great to have OP that can relate...
I'm thinking that I just need to sit with myself for a while...I have a tendency to talk to OP, do things, to avoid the stuff on the inside...well, not on purpose, I don't think...it just happens...
Well, that feeling better i mentioned earlier didn't last long...
Anyone else's self esteem drop when you're sad...the whole self-doubt thing...
I have trouble feeling low...being taught it wasn't okay to cry as a child and having that carry over to POWS...remembering him telling me that I didn't even know why I was crying and all I could say was that I was hurt...
i would have to learn to be okay with crying in front of others and be okay with that and able to accept comfort...to be allowed to cry on someone's shoulder...it's sometime I think that I've longed for...I feel really screwed up today...i'm certainly not okay with myself today...
Give yourself a break. It's ok to feel down, ok to have crying jags, even ok to see the dips in self esteem .... it's all normal. Human.
You don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to fix all the hurts from your childhood right this minute. We all love you just teh way you are. So cut yourself some slack, girl. Let the feelings come and quit telling yourself what you should be doing better.
Because you're doing great. Even on the bad days, you're pretty dang inspiring.
What if your DJs persist...and kick your butt...and your little tushie is tired of your own kicking?
Don't DJ others. Do not go into POWS' stuff...it's his and he's not doing/telling/showing/sharing...which is great...because you're still breaking your own habit of going where you don't know reality, have no control...and stab yourself with it.
Oh, now you remember his P/A behaviors (procrastinating)...which was about him, not you. Don't make it about you, Rin. It's not. His choices are his.
Crying in front of other people? What, you're not going to meetings anymore?
Knock those "shoulds" outta da ball park...and let the "shouldn'ts" go with 'em. May be why you feel hit coming and going...watch where your thoughts dwell, for there is your treasure.
Sorry I missed the call for support. I was there, too, yesterday. Hopefully today is another day and the clouds will break for both of us.
I let myself bawl between the grocery store and home. Big loud bawling.
We are all in the same boat...all this ugliness...all this suckiness. You are not alone.
This morning, instead of my usual prayers for everyone that I know who needs them, I put myself first. I asked God to just take away the bad feelings. The prayers for others can wait...I need to get myself back on track before I can put others first.
I'll pray that for both of us, and still, too. You are okay. You are doing so well. It's just a dip.
I'm sorry I did not see your call for support. YOu've got it girl!
Sometimes rollercoatsters aren't much fun. Crying is good, letting things go is better. You know what to do, and you know the grieving process.
It sounds like a lot of little things have been happening too, lately, with the kids, with you, with custody. All of this reality knocks you down a bit, but you know that you will feel good again. You have the strength and power to do so, and you will, just grieve as you need to.
AmI- Thank you, I forgot that I would not be this hard on OP...that I do need to be okay with myself and accept the feelings that I have and go with the flow...
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What, you're not going to meetings anymore?
I have but not as often since we're back in the house, trying to keep up with the boys and their stuff...homework, tutoring, bathes, supper, etc.
I try to go to my Tues. Lunch meeting...and I went to an open meeting a few Friday's ago because I could make it to Tues. Thurs...NOW I did go to last Thurs., board meeting after and I have to go tonight, business meeting...go tonight will be non-stop...OS gets home from tutoring at 5:15, religion begins at 5:30 ends at 6:45, meeting begins at 7pm which I will be bring the boys too, followed by the business meeting...
SOOO, lol, I do the best I can with meeting...
LS, thanks for showing up and sharing...I did cry a little yesterday...didn't get to go shoe shopping, OS had a project to finish and we had to pickup a classmate...they finished up and I laid on the sofa...OUT...Asleep, I woke up OS was cleaning his room (no TV until it's done), and YS was asleep on the floor...by that time I thought about it and didn't feel like it anymore, grieving, crying...I was asleep for 10pm...
My sleeping pattern has gotten worst recently...up every 45 minutes...so that is really playing a huge part in teh way I feel recently...
SL- yes, I have had a lot on my plate lately, i was thinking yesterday, in the mood that I was in about pruning back some things...this Sat. I have a date with my Spon. to go shopping for her H's Christmas party...She's in charge of planning it...well, this Sun, I was trying to make plans with someone else...I think that I will cancel that and just be...hang around the house and WHATEVER...
i appreciate all of you posting and sharing your stuff...this morning I didn't know how I felt but right now, I'm not as down as I was yesterday...and I'm making it a point to attend my meeting at lunch...I'll save the nap...well, oh, I can sleep while the boys are at religion...and I can eat when I come back to work...popcorns always great to have on hand!
Well, that ended the grieving process for me...now I'm just pi$$ed...POWS, the IDIOT, let the insurance lapse on his truck which is in both our names...
Now I'm sure that I have a flag on my license and have to call my friend that works there to find out what I have to do to clear my name...IT'S not like he didn't know...he was court ordered to get his own insurance, same as me...i did my stuff...ON TIME!!!!
That's a $50 fine...I think that's why the grief comes and goes...just as I'm getting into it...I find something like this email in my box, and I'm angry all over again!
Okay...LOL...well, I'll be fine...nothing is going to happen to me...AND his plate on his truck has been expired since JUNE!!!!!!
I renewed mine in September...why b/c I checked it...
Anyway, if I do get a flag all I have to do is show my court papers stating that he's responisble for the insurance on his truck...and even that will take 3 months...
Compared to POWS' life...mine easy peasy...THAT'S A lot to be grateful for!
GREAT NEWS! I will have the kids for Thanksgiving...since it's POWS' weekend, he's going to keep them until Wed. at noon and I will have them after that!
I'm so excited b/c I have to work Monday, Tuesday and Wed., adn I'm off Thurs. and Friday!
Editted to say: ALso, POWs and his Attorney will be meeting next week to finalize the custody part with Holiday schudules...clauses, etc...
LMAO...We're going to my Aunt's and Grandma is doing the turkey...I haven't eaten her turkey in years...like the WHOLE time that I've been married...so from time to time I would try to do it the same way...
I MISS ALL THE FOOD! I hated going to the IL's for Thanksgiving...I would end up eating one thing over and over again b/c I didn't like what they cooked!
Hey, Strivn... I'm impressed by all your awesome very important progress steps!!! Look how far you have come...So I hope your standing proud& happy in your heart you did what you could, to do the very best, of your abilities!!!
LMAO...I'm really getting the hang on this JILL OF ALL TRADES!
Thanks to my friends out there! You know I would be nothing without my Higher Power but thanks to REAL FRIENDS I have a heck of a lot of support! That's where my true blessing come in!
Okay...I need some advice...I had become friend with one of POWS co-workers...someone that I didn't know before and IT IS strickly a friendship...let me make that clear...
Now, this person is very concerned about being friends with me because of POWS...well, not really him but because of peer pressure at worker should OP find out that we are friends...and what that peer pressure may do to POWS...they are not in constant contact with each other but occassional they do have to get together to plan or whatever...ask each other for things, etc...
In this sitch, I'm not sure what do to...I don't thing that I should have to give up my friendship because of POWS but I can see this person's concerns and feel that they are validate...I would hate to see their job become difficult over stupid childish stuff...I understand I can't control OP...
Here's my thought...I have thought about talking to POWS about it...explaining that I happen to be friends with someone he works with, etc...and I know that OP can blow things out of proportion...asking him if he sees it being a problem for him, etc...
POWS loves to appear the good guy on the surface that's why I don't see him creating problems at work besides his job is important to him...that's the "good" things about him...or should I say things that are in my favor...
So, I'm open to any questions that anyone has...and I may be seeing POWS this afternoon b/c it's CS day...this was not really a concern of mine prior to talking to this friend about helping me cut the grass this weekend...we were suppose to do it last weekend but things came up and we were unable to get it done...
I think that part of the problem was that he was concerned about HN2 seeing him at my house and spreading rumors that are untrue...this sitch is similiar to Eph, in that we are just friends but I don't have to worse about any legal stuff here...
So, I would really appreciate some feedback and ideas...I personally feel that being respectful to POWS is talking to him about it and not letting someone else come to him b/c if someone else comes to him then he's going to think that I'm doing/being more than friends with this guy...but if I confront him and lay it out on the line then first that's me being honest, true to myself...second, it's showing him some respect...
Do you currently have a R with POWS, that goes beyond CS and handing the boys over when visitation occurs?
If not, then why would you discuss this with him at all? Are you in Plan B?
I dunno, Rin. If you are not having a R with this FRIEND that goes beyond friendship, and nothing can be leveled against you in court (in other words, this R is on the up 'n up) then I don't see the need to discuss it.
Again, if you don't have a R with POWS, then there is no need to discuss this. Maybe others will feel differently. If YOU are uncomfortable, maybe you should find some other friend, maybe of the female persuasion, to help you. If not, I don't see the reason to discuss this with him.
It really sounds like it's up to the FRIEND to decide whether to extend himself in this way. He will be the one dealing with POWS regularly at work.
It really sounds like it's up to the FRIEND to decide whether to extend himself in this way. He will be the one dealing with POWS regularly at work.
it is on the up and up and I didn't think about it being his place...
No, I don't have a R with POWS other that CS and the boys and don't really talk to him about that...my choice...not really in a PLan...but if I had to pick one, It would be B...
I do have other friends, female...I know that I was talking about dating and such about a week ago and I did come to the conclusion that I AM really busy with the boys and my other activities...heck, I find it difficult to make a simple phone call...even that has to be managed now a days...
There may be differing opinions about this, Rin, but mine is that the friend is responsible for his relationships with other, even if those 'others' include your STBX.
If it's just mowing the lawn and supplying him with 'beer' payment, then I'd say it's no biggie for YOU.
I sincerely do believe that you should avoid dating until the dust settles from DIVORCE. You will still be on that coaster until well after the ink dries. I do understand wanting companionship, though; you just have to be careful and be clear about the relationships you have. Sounds like you have been, so that's good.
Rin, as an aside, you are always sooooo busy. You may be running yourself ragged, girl. Is there something that you can put aside for now, that isn't totally necessary, or something that you can get more help with, so that you can slow down.
I know you are a girl on the go, and always have been; I get it, my sister is like that, but sometimes you need to find quiet, peaceful time to reflect and gain strength to move forward.
If it's just mowing the lawn and supplying him with 'beer' payment, then I'd say it's no biggie for YOU.
LOL...Funny that you say that, it's beer payment...not only am I unavailable but he's got his own sitch making him unavilable...TBH, even if I wanted to it would be SUCH a bad idea all around...that would be setting everyone involved up for failure from the start...it's just not healthy...
There's Frog and the rest of the lot saying I know right from wrong...LOL...
It's been a long process to get to this point in my thinking, I think that the past week made that pretty clear with board meeting adn business meeting, school, religion, and work...now I won't have another business meeting until Feb., so that's out of the way and my next board meeting is next month...
I was trying to make plans to go to New Orleans this Sunday but didn't think that would be wise knowing that I needed some down time, so cancelled that to do the grass cutting thing and hang out around the house...result of noticing how tired I was Tues. night after getting home...exhausted on a TUes., something needed to be cut out...
Tonight is strickly hang out at the house, cook supper, adn enjoy being with the boys...I "should" go get them hair cuts today, they need it, so that MAY be the only thing I do outside of cooking and even that will be simply...
So, how's that SL? LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Hmmm. I would NOT talk to POWS at all about it. Not at all. I would have to say that I think that the ball is in your friends court. If he wants to pursue the friendship with you, then he will find a way. Just be careful, and if he is saying that this is a problem for him, it MAY just be that the friendship is not as needed for him.
I would let him sort it out. Maybe you should back away from calling him and stuff, let him decide what he wants to do. Because if he wants to pursue the friendship, he WILL.
Also, if he knows POWS, he may KNOW what a jerk he can be, and he may not want any of the drama in his life.
I just think that you should let your friend decide. It will play out. Don't try to convince him that you can work it out, don't talk to POWS about it, it will just make him mad, and he will do SOMETHING to you....
So I would talk to your friend, tell him you respect his opinion, but if he is ever wanting to call or anything, that he is welcome to. Be nice, understanding, and leave it be. He is probably conflicted.
HI SADMO!!! I think that between you and SL, it's a done deal...
For lunch I'm going to head over to the pawn shop and see if they happen to have a lawnmower...I mentioned wanting to head over there to him last night when I talked to him and I told him that if this was going to pose a problem I could make other arrangements and he said no that it would be fine...
I guess I'm just to the point where I'm tired of losing things/people b/c of POWS...but I think that you are very right...if this friendship IS important to him than it will happen...so I have to let it go and give it to God...
So If i find a lawnmower then I could tell him that he doesn't have to worry about coming Sunday, explain the sitch and be done with it...if not, let Sun. ride, explain the sitch, thank him, and let it ride...
Done, it seems so much more clearer posting here than holding committee meetings in my head...
Thanks guys, I knew I could count on ya'll! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
LOL...Thanks...you ARE needed around here! I hope that you know that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Well, pawn shop had one that I was okay with...self-propelled...my first...john Deere at it too! For the money it will do!
So I called him, explained that the grass was my problem and I appreciated him being a friend and trying to help but the his job was important to him, not me...
I told him that I got a lawnmower and that this morning I was trying to perhaps force a solution because I have lost so much this year...he said that if I didn't have HN2 that worked there as well it wouldn't be problem...
So I said that I understood and said that I liked our friendship the way it was and if he wanted to call or hang out just let me know...
He sounded really happy and said "That's my girl handling the situation!" He was happy about my purchase too...so all is good...
So in an hour, I bought a lawnmower, went home, tried it out, called him, and am now back at work...sometimes the simpliest solution is the best...
SO Thank you both so much! And one in there for Eph too...
How is Eph? HE doesn't post too much anymore for reasons that I already know. Hope he is doing well.
John Deere is a great brand. I had a teensy little riding mower of theirs that was probably about 15-20 years old when it finally crapped out. The deck had rusted out; I was holding it on with a couple of coat hangers at that point. It just kept going. The little engine that could (like our Rin, here).
E is doing well, if I must say so myself! (Oh, and was told to mention!) LOL...'m sure that he will be around in his own time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> There's a BIG brother if I ever had one...
MOF, I was told that I needed to work on sharing my feelings because I'm the type of person that will feel it but will have a smile on my face and sad underneathe...
So I'm here, sharing my feelings...I am really sad and I am teary eyed...I teared up with I talked to my friend when I mentioned to him that I have lost so much this year...
I'm alone at work right now and I am hurt and very sad that POWS is still impacting my life the way he is...and he's not even really in it...I'm tired of HIS choices affecting ym life darn it! I lost the friends that I thought I had, had to move out of my house, lost almost everything that I've had, replace, repair, and borrow...
Now, I'm not saying that I'm not grateful, I AM...I have been humbled...taught humility...and to think that I could lose ANOTHER friend b/c of this whole sitch upsets me a great deal...
:Note to others: I am crying! (Just for the record!)
Here in the last month I have learned alot about myself and have had to set some boundaries that I'm not really happy with but I know that it's for my own good in the long run (and have been told that)...I have resisted and been angry and have cried b/c this is NOT my first choice!!!
And why should I have to do this b/c POWS chose to do this...and it's just not fair and I want to throw a tandram like a little kid sometimes...like today...that's what I see in my mind...me on the floor throwing a tandram...crying and saying it's not fair...
So today's not really a sad down in the dumps day like Monday...I was just completely sad that day as well as Sun...
So this minute that's where I am...
How was that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
So I thought about it, b/c my first response was not so nice and the closest thing to reverse babble I could come up with was: yes sir, i'll take care of it just like u would!
He TMed back: what does that mean
I replied: It will get done
I just didn't say "in my own time!"
This is the cable that I asked him to turn off and he didn't so I had to wait for them to turn it off, only in his name...the same one that had a previous balance when we moved back into the house...
I have plans to pay half of it next Friday...I COULD pay it all but why would I want to do something like that...
Who is supposed to pay it? Why did you agree to pay it? I thought this was his to pay....?
His bill, he was living there, he wouldn't cancel it once he left .... I would let it be his issue. I'm sure they are trying to collect from him, which is why he's angry.
Silly boy, he thinks that you will keep paying all his bills.
Yes, they are trying to collect from him...probably the second call...OR CS was in the mail box when I got home...POWS saw the new fence across the driveway and the doors on the garage...
He wrote on the bottom of the CS check: Child support (only)...
Is it my fault that his world is [email]cr@p[/email] and we are doing well...
OKay, let's get to the bottom of this bill thing...We moved back in Sept. 23, the company bills a month in advance...So, sept. 30th to oct.31st...so that would be 94 dollars...then from Oct. 31st to nov. 30th...so that would be another 94 dollars...so that means that he owes a month before we moved in...now legally we should owe six days of that month also...
So I pay our partion in my mind...which is about 120 dollars...
Sweetie, remind me again why you are playing this game with the cable?
Didn't you shut it off in his name & start it in yours from the date you moved back?
You are much better than this,,,,
Don't get me wrong,,I understand where you are coming from. POWS is pi$$ed because of HIS OWN actions coming back to bite him in the BEhind. It is FUNNY.
But what does it add to your life OR diminish in your life?
So, please clarify. Is your cable now in your name? Are they looking to collect on HIS old bill?
Remember, you are dealing with a 5th grader here!!
HI Bugs, I couldn't switch it when we moved in...I just got Direct TV hooked up last weekend...I was going to go with the same company for cable but when I called to get my internet changed there was a bundle deal that was cheaper by $40/month...so I went with that...
This is why I've been off the internet for so long...wait on this wait on that...I couldn't touch his account when I moved in...
So right now, everything is in my name except the gas bill and that account I can change into my name with a simply 30 dollars...it was in my name and with a simply 30 dollars he transferred it into his name...I'm using his deposit up first...
Hi, well, I don't have the kids this weekend, well, until Wed. at noon...
After work I plan to go home and lay on the sofa or crawl in bed, watch some TV but it won't be long before I'm asleep...so that's what I have in mind for tonight...
Tomorrow Spon. is picking me up and i'm helping her plan her H's company party...we're going shopping with the company's money...got to love that! probably will take the whole day and that night I have a B-day party to attend...
I tried out the lawnmower yesterday so I'll finish the grass Sun...outside of that I don't have anything else that I'm doing...So all of you that keeps telling me to slow down or say that I'm Taz...here it IS!
i have one phone call to make and that's it this weekend...no other committiments or anything! just me, the remote, and rest...and I promise to do my best not to get lonily b/c when I get lonily I get depressed and spiral!
For all of you out there who are interested in the personality types, I'm INFJ...
Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world.
LOL...I like this part...
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INFJs regard problems as opportunities for them to design and implement creative solutions.
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According to Keirsey,[4] INFJ Counselors are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Intensely interested in the well-being of others, Counselors prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.
Accounting for about two percent of the population, Counselors have a vivid inner life that they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Perceptive of the emotions of others, Counselors are themselves easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions.
A list of Basic Charateristics [5] - sensitive - quiet leaders - great depth of personality - intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even themselves - introverted - abstract in communicating - live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities - part of an unusually rich inner life - artistic (and natural affinity for art), creative, and easily inspired - very independent - orderly view towards the world but within themself arranged in a chaotic, complex way only they could understand
And YOU:
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Feeling types seek continuity through harmonious relationships and collective values. They excel at picking up on the tone of a situation and acting accordingly, adding warmth to a cool setting or turning sour into sweet. They will naturally seek to know what people do well, what they enjoy, where and how they work, and understand what they need in order to make the appropriate connections with other people. They weave and strengthen the collective fabric of social conventions and interactions.
Let an extroverted feeling type know that you are in need of an accountant and they will most likely give you several names. They seem to have an infinite number of acquaintances from all walks of life and are always on the lookout for people in need and those who can help out. Inclusiveness is important and they are particularly sensitive to those who are excluded.
Harmony comes from good, supportive relationships and upholding collective values. They are always focused on the other person, feeling a glow when those around them are happy, and troubled when something is amiss. They are natural cheerleaders, often expressing support, gratitude, and encouragement, and heaping praise onto those they appreciate. They take note of what is being done and what needs doing, offering their help and assistance wherever necessary.
As team players and project leaders, they have a gift for rallying their players, focusing on what is being done right and each member's strengths. They are loyal and they expect loyalty. They carry conversations well, finding common ground with their speaker. They tend to find the correct and gracious way to respond in any given situation, no matter how tense or uncomfortable it is.
It is well to note that extroverted feeling types will uphold a wide range of values, simply because shared values are what create harmony. Some will profess the importance of tough-minded logic, justice and scholarly debate because their environments have these shared values. They tend to adopt the collective values of those they love and 'belong to'.
POWS tried calling about an hour ago...my heart leaped when I saw his name...
I didn't answer...no message was left...then I had to restrain myself from TMing him or calling back wondering if it was the kids...
Talked to a friend and I'm over the urge...just felt like I was going to hear about the cable bill or some other stupid stuff...I can't talk to him I don't want to hear the [email]cr@p...[/email]
I am alone tonight with my dog and the TV...I like the peace and quiet...I felt like if I talked to him then that would be interrupted and I guess if it was important than he would have left a message...
So I guess I'm going to go back and lay down and try hard to let it so...relax and rest...
A quiet night,,, good for you! Sorry about the blip with POWS's call. You did the right thing, though, by not responding. IF it was important, he would have left a message.
You get an A+ for self control!
I am SO jealous of you - shopping on someone else's money??!! It doesn't get much better than that!
Morning Bugs, thanks for the affirmation on the call to POWS...that's not easy to let go...perhaps I need to get OS one of those little go phone that's only able to call like four numbers or something...
I'm just conecrned with him losing it or something like that...
YEAP...that's my days today, MOF I need to go get dressed...right now I'm enjoying my coffee and been doing a little cleaning...First time Spon. comes over to teh house since we're moved back in and I had to clean the kitchen...ten minutes at the most...I was finished right after the coffee...then sitting here at my desk I started on that...
I did bathe the dog last night...having a bit of a flea problem that I've been working to deal with...of course, I didn't expect anything less with POWS leaving her outside for six months...it's getting better, should have boomed the house today but I can do it Monday since the kids aren't going to be here...
Well, guess I need to go get dressed...I'm sure it's going to be a long day...the party's at 7pm...
Thanks for the validation again...I think that's the part that I need the most these days...I've been wondering if it's a needy thing to want to be around someone, have them close...wondering it I'm needy becasue I need to talk to someone, for that connection...or if it's just meeting my EN for conversation...at long as I have that I do pretty well...
I have a few other things on my mind too, dealing with my childhood and the abuse, not to mention the R/M with POWS...trying to wrap my head around the fact that the world doesn't revolve around SF and there are people out there that are decent human being that ACTUALLY don't expect that from you...decent people DO exist, that I just haven't been around them...addressing the hard stuff, you know? Trying to get that out of the way b/f I move on...
There's some self-esteem issues here...like I said it's really hard to WRAP my head around...it's hard to understand that relationships and marriages are started based on other things and not SF...I guess I mean that they ARE centered around something else...that's been my experience...
I KNOW what I want out of another R, and I want it to be healthy but my past R have all led to SF in a hurry and I can remember thinking that if it didn't than I was asking myself, what was wrong that they didn't "want" me? And I know that I shouldn't think that way but having been a "toy" for OP 75% of my life...how do you deal with that thinking when YOU KNOW it can be another way...
The feelings of rejection...just that thinking of "well, they don't want to sleep with me, what's wrong with me?"
Talk about work to change those filters...
I just recently had an experience that has brought these thoughts to mind...so whacko guy...which I told was crossing my boundaries and saying off the wall things to me...I was shocked...well, this caused me to feel hopeless and helpless, you know thinking that one day I'm going to be out there and what if it's not some guy just telling me things, what if it's some guy trying to do things to me...so I checked into taking a self-defense course...it's been since college since I've had one...
just by doing that, I was able to gain my "control or power" and I felt so much better...knowing that I don't have to be a victim again, that there are things that I can do...
Okay, I really have to go this time...Spon. called and she'll be on her way soon and I certainly don't need to depress myself with feeling like a piece of meat...
Just sharing the most difficult struggle that I have in my life...and trying to find a better way...knowing that it can be different...just not sure how to deal with it and change that POV...standing on my own two feet has been good for me I can say that...adds to my worthy, knowledge that I am more than meat...but the feelings are still there...old brain perhaps?
I was sitting at the computer with my coffee this morning, too!
I know it's hard to change those 'filters' you are talking about. But you need to do a quick stop and give yourself some MAJOR kudos, girl.
Think about it - perhaps for the FIRST time in your life, you RECOGNIZE the impact of your previous experience and you are seeking to CHANGE your life, to give yourself the future you so richly deserve.
I'll take that! I'm awesome...I remember telling Frog not long after I came here that the abuse that I went through didn't affect me and he said YEAH, that's what my wife thinks too! So from time to time I've thought about it...
AND here I stand today...being home and questioning why this person or this event has come into my life here and now, being taught here and through my program to pay attention to my feeling...THAT'S what has brought me here today...
You know like most BS, I came here not able to tell you what I felt...I knew angry and hurt...rarely was I happy and I actually had to look up a list of words that described feelings...I remember LovingAnyway asking me so many time: "Yeah, but how did you feel?"
I thought I had said what I felt but I would go back over the posts and I hadn't said anything but the facts...It wasn't safe to share my feelings growing up and it wasn't safe in my M to share them either...rarely to I remember being validated and told it's okay to feel that way...hugs and kisses where things I wanted and unless we went to visit a family member, did I get them and I HAD to give them even when I didn't want too...part of the culture down here...
I was watching something on TV and it was talking about how you shouldn't make your kids hugs or kiss OP if they don't want to and that got me think...which has led to me REALLY examining some deep issues and not being taught boundaries...one of the hardest concepts to learn since I've been here...
Then, Eph referred a book to me on boundaries and I have about 100 pages read...it's been slow going...one bit of the elephant at a time...sometimes only a paragraph at a time in the beginning...I've found myself very resistant to some that I've needing to put into place...
I finally get LA telling me that I needed to reparent my inner child...
So BUGS, I really do appreciate you holding up that stop sign, it's been a long road to get here and you know alot of OP question why they are getting Ded or are on that path...why things have happened to them, a failed M...you know...I don't...I mean I wish things were different but I accept that I had to have the M that I did to get to where I am today...I caulk it up to lessons learned and I can't understand why OP sometimes don't look to themselves for the answers...how they can go through life without examining self?
LOL...It would be great to find a guy who really understood where I am coming from on the Sex issue and told me from the beginning that I'm more than a peice of meat and he refuses to treat me that way...validation...you know? Some form of accountability when I do get involved with someone to keep ME from going there...
I have to not except that in the beginning and recognize that if they are then they are not who I should be with anyway...I feel that my abuse played heavily into the destruction of my M...I did alot of things that I didn't want to do but did them anyway...there were things that I did to experiment...but at the same time I have to remember that when I made a decision not to do those things anymore than my decision should have been respected and I was well within my rights to say no, I don't want to do this anymore...
So my picker was off as a result but I can make better choices for my future, it will not be easy, dealing with this stuff this past month and wondering WHY IS THIS STUFF coming up NOW...has not been easy...but I have to admit that I think that I have been growing leaps and bounds since D-day and there's a reason...perhaps I will find out sooner than I think perhaps not..it will be the right time when it comes...
WEll, I didn't have the energy to post on our shopping day...Spon. and I went to Baton Rouge for the day, that's about two hours from here, so we got to tlak everything over on the ride...she really proud of me and what I have done...
She said I just needed a "little" help to get the ball rolling that was all...we started out at Cabela's and ate liunch there...I had the orchista deli sandwich...it was a first and was surprised at how good it was...it had a nice smoked favor to it...
Spon.'s a girly girly and of course I'm the tom-woman...I was like a kid in a candy store, spending OP's money...we spent all we had gone with plus some of our own...I got one of the boy's Christams present...you know, that I FINALLY found it better get it NOW...two years on that one...that was at a KB TOYS...
Being in Cabela's was so awesome...I saw stuff I wanted and SPon. was so happy that I went with her b/c we were buying door prizes for the men and being that I like to hunt and most of them hunt...IT WAS SUPER easy...I was like THIS IS AWESOME...and she would ask what does that do and I would explain...She said it was an educational trip for her...
The toy store was at the outlet mall and we stopped in Bath and Body works...I was told that I needed a bath tub pillow and I actually found one, so I treated myself...
in the mist, we stopped at a Christmas store and I got tons of ideas to decorate my Christmas tree, MOF since I have the time with the boys we'll be putting that up this coming Friday and I have some Christmas arts and craft projects that I would like to do with them...you know having saw ALL the wonderful trees...Spon. said that she's not creative so I asked her if she wanted the boys and us to come decorate her tree and she's up for that...
I told her that use to be one of my jobs growing up, every year I would go to the neighbors, like another set of grandparents to me, and Iwould decorate their house for Christmas...I have so much fun doing that...I love to decorate...or redecorate...
We got back after dark, adn then I laid down b/f the b-day party I had to go to...when I got up, I went vote...at the stop sign, who appeared but POWS and the kids...so I drove into the parking lot, got out of the car and was headed inside when POWS yelled "hey, you don't have to tlak to me but you could talk to your kids! OS tried calling you last night about a parental code on the PS2!"
I said I didn't know anything about a code, talking more to OS...so I signed in to vote, voted, talked to the kids, hugged and kissed them, told them I wasn't feeling well and left with them still inside the school...
From there I met Spon at the b-day party, it was one of our board members 70th b-day, we had a huge group for the meeting and had cake and ice cream after...then one of my friends followed me across the bayou home to check out the house...both her and Spon. were so overjoyed at what I've done around here! They were really proud...
So after she left, I went to the grocery store and got home about 11...it was a long day but it was a good relaxed day...
Drinking my coffee again this morning, will be going back to sleep soon...I got up early to go get a news paper, brought GO-Go with me and she sneak out of the car before I could close the dog, so I had to chase her DOWN this morning in town before I could get my paper...
I think that I'm going to go to town later and do some Christmas shopping, POWS wouldn't let us get a trampoline in the past and I think that's what I'm going to talk to Santa about today! OH, OH, OH....I got each of us a neff blow dart yesterday...we have had a blast with the neff dart guns and love sneaking up on each other and shooting one another...so i was going to get two then I went well mom has to have one to play right? I'm so looking forward to it and MOM WILL have stuff under the tree THIS YEAR...
I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS WITH THE BOYS!!!!
I refuse to be depressed b/c of the past...this year's about making NEW memories with my smaller family...
I pray that you are all blessed with the same!!!! No depression this holiday season but a conscience will to have joy and happiness!!
Wow - sounds like a GREAT day! Cabella's is great, isn't it? So much fun stuff there!
So you go from your Tom-boy phase with the Hunter's Education for Spon. to your girly girly phase in offering to decorate for Christmas! Rin, what a well rounded Goddess you have become and I don't think you even realize it!
Sorry about the run in with POWS. How is it that no matter what we do, their comments can strike us right on target every time? UGH! You conducted yourself with class and dignity. Way to go!
AND
You went on with your life, having an enjoyable evening with your friends. Basking in the glow of your accomplishments with the house. Very cool!
I am so glad to hear you talking about making NEW memories. That's what it's about. My mom is buying me a wall collage for pictures that says,
"It's not about the number of breaths we take - But about the Moments that take our Breath AWAY!"
We are going to have some amazing moments in our future, just wait and see! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
HiYA! I did go back to sleep and had nightmares about POWS, ILS, and HN2! I was so scared and couldn't caught my breathe, a good friend was in the dreams also and I hugged her several times...I was so scared that I couldn't even find my voice sometimes to call for help...
I ended up waking myself finally and put on some relaxation music and went back to sleep...it helped I don't remember dreaming anything...
I've got the Christmas music on and preparing with downloading some more for Friday when the kids and I decorate the tree! we've never had christams music playing before so I think that will help us all! Get them excited!It's working for me! LMAO...
I asked my mom for my Christmas early it should be here tomorrow, I plan on going to Lowe's and Home depot Friday morning! The boys are excited about that also! I have a few things that I want for my tool collection! Like a 6 gallon air compressor with the finish nailer, brad nailer, and stapler! WOW BABY!!!! Need to pick up a ladder too so I can fix the Christams lights that are on the house! I'm that REDNECK WOMAN!! YEEHAA!!! Thanks POWS!! You saved me some work this year!!! LMAO
SO it's ALL good the the RINSTER'S world at the moment and I'm soaking it up, holding on tight!
BUGS, I love that wall collage saying you'll have to send pics! I look forward to hearing your NEW memories!! Sharing your strenght, hope and experience this holiday season! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Cool bugs, I thought about baking cookies and giving them as presences this year...not something I've done before either!
Thanks, I haven't cut the grass today like I wanted too...I went shopping for the boys at target...got some awesome stuff... I want to play with it!!!!!
SIS...I'M SOOOO HAPPY I got some smiles out of ya"! I'm happy...today! Listenin to a little Usher...wanting to dance around...it's been a good day!!!
It's amazing that I can overlook the call from POWS and the run in with him and go on with life...
I heard that I would never be happy that I was always looking for things to be unhappy about! I actually wondered if that was TRUE and TODAY I know that it's not!!!
I am blessed with wonderful friends, family, a place to come and post what I need to...and so many other things...this Thanksgiving is going to be soooo different...last year was spend talking until two am with POWS and MIL about how I was trying to be controlling and POWS agreeing not to talk to OW, etc...I have alot to be thankful for!!!
Wow, Strivn! Your thread just zippps along.....so does your progress!!! Your quote here is a SUPER VERY IMPORTANT STEP!!! Very Profound, Healthy Step in a greeaaat direction! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Can you work it..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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...so I checked into taking a self-defense course...it's been since college since I've had one...
just by doing that, I was able to gain my "control or power" and I felt so much better...knowing that I don't have to be a victim again, that there are things that I can do...
What do you mean? The RAD (Rape Aggression Defense System) class that I looked at doesn't have a schedule up right now, but I talked to a friend who teach the class in another area and he said that he was going to call here and let them know that people are interested and try to find out when they will be offering it again!
You've been up and down all year, but this time you sound different.
I think you're gettin there Rin. You don't sound like you're on a high, you actually sound like your feet hit the ground and you stuck it good.
Keep it up Rin, I think the peace you've been searching for is right there. I knew you'd find it. Don't stop. Walk tall(metaphorically of course) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Make us all proud. Make yourself proud.
If the RAD class doesn't get up running right away, I highly recommend Taekwondo as a defense art for women. It's low impact (mostly) and uses more lower body strength-which is great for us gals. I earned a first degree black belt with my OS19 a few years back. XH and DD22 got to recommended black. Then, they were in high school and middle school and my schedule didn't allow for more classes.....someday I'll go back.
You could look for one that has women's self-defense classes as well as the regular training.
Good luck! I'm rooting for you. (johnstwin with pom-poms. There's an interesting thought) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Thanks GuyS! Nice to see you B...appreciate your words immensely...
JT- WOW, lady! I would love to take Taekwondo...OS was in it, but the classes are on Mon and Wed nights at 5:30...not great...I did somekarate with my father when i was growing up and I took a few classes in Akido (?) when I was in college...I loved all of it...and certainly would want to go back...I still practice my kicks and punches from time to time...
MOF, I have to get someone to help me put up my kickbag in the garage...i got the hooks the other day! I'm really looking forward to that! I use to help OS practice and I loved it!
BTW, I love your pom-poms! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Oh, did I ever mentioned that I took fifth place at national for powerlifting...IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO...but I have that use my belt too...i was up for third but tore up my knee on my last deadlift...265lbs!
I plan on cleaning up the enclosed garage and not only hanging my kickbag but putting my weight set up in there too!
Refresher courses of whatever self defense disciplines are important & good idea. You didn't specify. Many wonderful courses to choose from, which best suits your needs.
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...so I checked into taking a self-defense course...it's been since college since I've had one...
Akido is an excellent choice, too!
Yrs, ago I help start a karate program for my kids in their elementary school, for all the kids/us parents. We got a super instructor& turned out to be a great afterschool activity.
Then took a good general community program for all ages, several yrs ago offered through the police department. Excellent program...
Cool! Look at all of you wonderful woman out there! AMazing woman, whom I have the honor of knowing!I'm definitly going to check into something...YS wants to join Taewonkodo when he was small...now he's old enough I may put us both in it!
Wait that would be a scheduling problem...I'm going to look into it!
Well, i get the kids back tomorrow, I'm looking forward ot it...this time away has been go...no down time, all on the up and up...I've got to relax, doing some things with friends...it's all good baby...
Oh, I found out tonight that POWS has been at work the past two days...so I don't know where the kids have been...I can only think that he's had them at the sitter! Our sitter! I'll find out tomorrow! No big deal...just would have liked to know in advance...that's all!
off to bed...Good night everyone and thanks for stopping by and sharing...it's wonderful to have OP opinion, thoughts, and ideas...the best way I know of to step outside of that box sometimes!
Morning BUGS! I hope that you and BC are right...I don't have that HIGH on life feeling that I have had in the past...it's more of a I'm just happy, not an overjoyed...
I can tell you this it's really nice to run into him or have something like that occur and it not affect my whole world...it's more of a okay it happened what's next...rezoom play...not a tragic events that stops me dead in my tracks b/c HE said or did something...
Ah, I'm not reacting to him like I use to...I think part of that is I'm resting whenever I can..since I sleep terrible, I try to take anap when ever I can...I think that's the biggest thing that effects me...if I'm tired so I have to pay close attention to that...
I think that it allows me to have a more accepting attitude...it's the beginning of a more balanced dance in my life...I can say that I would be happy not to be going from one extreme to the next...
Like the comment that he make when I ran into his going to vote...that negative attitude of his is certainly not about me...I get that...he can try as he may but it's up to me to allow it or not...for the longest time I took everything that he said personally, flipped it and make it about me...I wasn't doing this or wasn't doing that...I was a horrible person or I should have done this or that...figured I wasn't living up to the expectations of what a mother and wife were suppose to be when in reality I'm the one that sets those...
My knowing myself and my limits I'm the one that determines if I'm a good mother or partner...be remaining true to myself and not trying to live up to what soemone else thinks I should do, say, be...
I can remember doing what OP thought I should do...worried that I was being judge on a constant basis...even sharing here...not knowing what true acceptance was...there was always that little voice in the back of my head saying "but what if they think that you are a bad person"...
Now this morning, I realize that I have a habit of saying that I'm been bad! THAT needs to be changed and I think I understand perhaps for the first time what LA has been saying about DJing myself...I constantly say that I'm being bad...true of the matter is I'm living to my code and not someone else's...that someone else may see my actions as bad but if I continue to tell myself that then of course, I'm going to continue to shot myself in the foot...
So I have some thing to do on that one...if I refer to myself as being bad then that promotes feelings of shame and guilt...when in fact I should have no shame and guilt if I'm truely being myself...
It's like saying that you guys here have spoiled me, when in fact I've only been taught to raise the bar...not allow unacceptable behavior...be kinder to myself...promote my worthiness...
Okay, I have to go get ready for work...hum, it's been a good morning for thinking! Thanks to you guys! I appreciate it...love the way a person gains insight into themselves...piece by piece with help from OP if they are willing... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Morning again! I had a pleasant TM convo with POWs this morning.
I Tmed him about the kids, asking if they were at the sitter's...they are with all of their stuff...and he said that he washed their clothes and enjoyed his time with them...I said that I was glad and appreciated him washing their clothes...he said no problem and I left the convo at that...
Very civil, I hope that I can move into the direction of being more accepting of simple convos with him...
You too and to everyone else out there...I will be picking up the boys this afternoon after work...I was going to bring them to work with me this afternoon but we had a meeting and I have a lot of research to do and I don't think that it would be a wise idea today!
Thanks again and Happy Turkey day!
Oh, Still, I'm having trouble sending you mail...keeps returning it!
Maybe the "noise" of POWS kept you from hearing your self-DJs...and you finally heard yourself. Great job on hearing yourself!! Seems to me you're coming to know your self is wise, loving and important. Worth listening to...especially when its saying, "Ow! Stop that!"
LOL
May your Thanksgiving be the turkiest...when you do your gratitude list, be assured you're on many of them...including mine.
(((S4B))) I just caught up on your post. I'm sorry I missed you when you had a low day, but good to hear that it's been all uphill since then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
WOW, thank all of you for speaking up about the difference...I certainly didn't notice...LOL...but once BC spoke up about it I did have to question myself and have come to the conclusion that I have been pretty serene...
The last down I remember combo-ed with a high was a little over a month ago I think...I was talking about dating and still being Med, etc...I remember diving into some fantasy there and then having reality crash back on me...and of course me wanting to resist...wanting to dwell in the fantasy...
I spoke with a friend yesterday about a really personal topic and that moved me to awareness on a few issues of my own and last night I was saying to another friend that I was bad...this morning I called saying that and b/t the two figured out that I only thought I was accepting the person that I am...Today, i think that I REALLY accept that...embracing all of me...I think that I told myself for so long that i was bad that I believed it and that allowed OP's comments to come flooding in...now the gates closed and there's a security guard standing watch, directing traffic...
I have done things that for me are complimentary to who I am and have been okay with my choices, but b/c someone else doesn't agree or accept whatever it is, it caused me guilt and shame...a great deal of shame in some cases...thinking to myself that I should/shouldn't be this way when in reality there are tons of OP doing the same thing but I applied that pressure to myself...I'm the one that projected my emotions onto OP...by learning to own my choices, emotions, reactions, and actions, I am accepting of self...
Over the last week I have had several incidents that i could have reacted too and did, but I allowed myself to stop and take an inventory, process and then chose my action...still trying to get the hang of it...and I'm sure I will not graduate but I'm moving forward all the same...one step at a time...
I'm holding tight to your comments and what I believe to be true acceptance on who I am...someone said to me that they may not like the choices I make but they still love the person...when I came here and started learning that I would say it but didn't understand and believe it...I truly GET THAT...
So I think that b/c I am more accepting of self that I can have a R with POWS in regards to the kids but I'm not about to jump off any cliffs, run a marathon to get there, or bend over to get there...
it's taken what it's taken for me to get this far, I'm sure that it will take the same to get to that point...
Thank you all for the wonderful compliments! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> you can bet that you are all on my graditude list too...thank YOU LA...I cherish that thought...
I think all of my little villages are united and are sitting around the campfire telling stories about me when I did so and so and laughing, enjoying themselves until they are called to duty...I'm sure that some of them need a rest! LMAO... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Frog, I thought about you this morning! Like: what a shame I can't contact him outside of MB...could have used some advice specific to your knowledge for my job...pick your brain thing...oh, you have been demoted to second big brother...hope you don't mind...LOL
HI, Ears, I'm sorry but I missed your post earlier...I'm glad that you stopped. Thank you, and Happy TURKEY DAY TO YOU AND YOURS TOO!
SIS, same to you sweetie...thank you so much...I hope that you are patting yourself on the back, acknowledging your accompliments also..you have inspired me so many times, the least I can do is give back...I figure the I get what I give...no expectations there, just cause and effect in my book...you know what goes around comes around...
Good Morning! The boys and I are doing well! We had a great Thanksgiving and I enjoyed my time with them...
We went to visit my family for Thanksgiving and went do a little shopping Thursday afternoon...I wanted to go shopping Friday morning but decided that it wouldn't be in the best interest of the kids to drag them out with the crowds so I was able to order my stuff online...just have to wait for it to come in...which is fine, it was my Christmas present from my mom and SD...air compressor and a mechanic tool set...
I'm excited about that...outside of that we hung out at the house...didn't leave the house al day Sat. and Sun...it was raining and I didn't want to get out, take the chance of one of us getting sick...
The major update here is that I just came back from my Lawyer's office signing off on the intinal judgement and custody...it's a done deal...
I hope that we can proceed faster on the community property part...I would like to be done with all of this by the final date...
Yesterday I was reading something and it occurred to me that my part of the failure of the M was that I kept hoping that POWS would change as he got older...I expected him to be who I wanted him to be and didn't accept him for who he was...
I also thought that we had the same goals in life but that wasn't the case either...
With that knowledge I can do better in the future...I'm also not scared of making the same mistake in the future...I was extremely scared of this in the beginning when I left...the difference between then and now...I believe that I trust myself to pay attention to the red flags...I've raised the bar for myself and what I want out of life...a teammate, a partner...not just someone who doesn't drink all of the time, who doesn't hit me, and someone who goes to work...
I want more and don't feel that I will backdown...I will not accept unacceptable behavior in the future...
Also, I noticed this weekend that I still do miss POWS from time to time but it's not like a ton of bricks hitting me, it's more like a soft breeze blowing that you notice from time to time...I turn my face to it, feel it, and then next thing I know it's gone...until the next time...
I understnad that there will be a day when I won't even notice that breeze blowing...and the only reason i think that I'm feeling it now is because we put the Christmas tree up and I've been thinking about inviting POWS over for Christmas morning to watch the kids open up their presents...
But I won't do this, simply b/c he made his choices and I made mine...my family is smaller today and I accept that...we both chose for whatever reasons to be where we are today and I have to move on b/c we are not together and will not be together...and I'm okay with that...
Sometimes I still wish that it would have worked but he has the right to live his life the way he sees fit and so do I...I don't have to approve and neither does he...
I AM okay and I will continue to BE okay...even signing the papers this morning didn't affect me...I'm moving on and am happy with that...
Thank you all for your help in my journey...for the hand up when there was a rock or mountain to climb...for the support on the down side of that climb...I can't think of a better place to end up then here...
ready to pop .... pregnant concept .... timeline .....
Those are HORRIBLE clues! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Ok, I'm thinking some kind of anniversary. A job anniversary? 2 months of being back in the house?
Or maybe it's been 9 months since something ..... ...since filing? ...since you replaced Bob's bateries? ...since you left the house that you now are nice and cozily back home in?
I need better clues, the easy kind that are meant for the simple-minded and distracted! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
just for AMI!!! LMAO... I lOve you! You are awesome!!! I love the nine months to replace Bob's batteries!!!
it's nine months that POWS has been served!!! not so fun now!!! Not much longer and this will ALL be a thing of the past... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Anyway, I talked to him earlier...civil conversation...I let him talk to the kids and he will be stopping by tomorrow to pick up his mail...we have a problem with the cable company, you know the one that was in his name...
They billed for another month, so I told him about it and he's going to have to deal with it...I haven't paid the bill or anything...from what I hear this is something that happens often with this company...
So, almost nine month, I talk to him, it didn't bother me in the least, I didn't feel anything...good conversation, I said what I needed to say and nothing more...
Well, that's not as fun as getting new girls or fresh new batteries, but it is party-worthy. I remember when you were counting by the day and week. 9 months is a long road, and you have done a pretty darn impressive job of traveling it!
Will you have to go back to court to get a final settlement inthe next 3 months? Or do you think you guys will be able to come to an agreement? I'd hate to see you have to wait again, as long as it took for them to get you into court this time.
Congrats on making it 9 months, and still having that head held high!
I'm expecting court b/c of the motorcycle that he "sold" to the HN2 that he said we agree to sell and they took possesion of in 06'...
We're going to have to get tehir records proving that they purchased it from "US" and provided "us" with half the payment before I left...
I would love to settle out of court but I don't expect that to happen...after the first I plan to get teh house appraised and move from there...he'll owe me some more...he will not be a happy camper...
Thank you, thank you very much for the compliment...I can't really pinpoint the change in attitude recently...I'm not sure if it's b/c I accepted myself or if I have accepted him ...regardless it's working for me...
HAHA...Bugs, you see how much thought I gave that huh? no, it doesn't matter in the least...
I'm just ready to have a plan that works and to carry it out...for the sake of the kids...it's been an interesting lesson in being the adult and handling your responsibilities...taking that higher road...
I have vowed not to play the blame game with end, to end any contact or meeting with him swiftly should things start going bad...to do my very best, with the help of the good Lord, not to throw his words back at him or say ugly things...to overlook any comments, like I didn't hear them, should there be any...
LOL...I do have one trick up my sleeve, for my satification of course...if I hear him lying...I would love to tell him that his pants are on fire...BELIEVING he's a slow learner, it may take a few times before he "gets it!" Especially if I just say it and walk away... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
When talking to POWS yesterday about the darn CABLE BILL...which they billed another month for...he asked that I TM him today to "remind" him to call them...
At the time, i agreed, but then I thought about it, THIS is not my responsibility, this is HIS stuff...so the question is now: HOW do I handle this?
I'm one to follow through on my stuff, if I say I'm going to do it, then I do...but this is a cycle that needs to be broke...
So, am I actively passive aggressive and not take any action?
OR, do I follow through with the TM, just saying reminder?
I have wanted to attach by asking a question about or simply make a statement saying that It's not my responsiblility to remind him of his stuff...
The goal I'm trying to achieve is to have a relationship with him that is civil strickly for the sake of coparenting...
I understand that I can't attack, even a simply O&H statement with him I think will come off wrong in his eyes...so I'm really thinking that no action is the best action...
And here's the other thing that I've thought about, simply TMing him and asking for a fax number to fax the bill over...that way I have done my stuff (what I said that I would) and he has the information that he needs to clear up the matter...
Also, I think that I must mention that in the pile of mail that he is picking up this afternoon, I have included the forms to do a change of address for him...
So there are my thoughts, I want to be sarcastic with him but that would be repeating history and I'm only interested in developing a new R with him, one strickly related to coparenting...so I'm in need of some thoughts on how to surpress the old behavior I have danced with him and learn how to take the higher road...
Allow him to handle his stuff and remove myself...
This services as another reminder of why I don't want him in my life, I'm tired of the dance and his codependency...I have been doing extremely well with my life and feel I have the energy to take this on head on...I've allowed myself plenty of time to rest and heal, not saying that I make have to take a break at some point...
Once again, I'm thinking that my best choice is no action...
I would greatly appreciate some thoughts on the subject...
So, I've been reading about codependency this morning and I didn't really understand it in the past but if I'm understanding correctly then I am extremely guilty of being codependent...
Reminder: This is a man who refused to set up his own dentist appt. b/c I refused to do it anymore or call for refills on his meds...so I did it...
Well, I think that I have really broken that pattern or have tried to do to the best of my ability...
looking at moving into a different type of relationship I want to make sure that I do NOT continue this dance in the new relationship...so any tips would be greatly appreciated...
I didn't think that I was the co-dependent one...I thought that would be him b/c he was "uncapable" of doing his own stuff...not I believe that it was really a lack of wanting to do his own stuff...
So if I'm understanding better today than I have in the past then my best course of action IS to do nothing in regards to the TM to "remind" him to call...
It's his responsibility to get teh bill, to call, and he shouldn't need anyone to remind him...if he forgets then that's his problem and not mine...consequences of his actions, in this case lack of action...usually the history with him...
I would like to dive into this behavior of mine a little deeper...
I certainly don't want to enable him and if I understand right I'm going to have to establish some clear boundaries...at this point do I even have to tell him what my boundaries are? I wouldn't think so...I don't owe him an explanation for how I live my life?
I think that it's the same as what I have been taught in my program about "I will not do for someone what they can not do for themselves!"
I think that, since you agreed, then you should send him the text. And then in the future, you will remember not to agree to things like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Then you get to be civil and polite, keep your word, and learn a lesson about not agreeing to things you really don't want to do.
And I wouldn't over-think it, it's just a text. Not a whole new world of enabling and enmeshment. One text that is going to help you remember to break the cycle better next time.
(Stepping aside for someone much more knowledgeable to respond on the co-dependency stuff -- I have NO clue.)
Thank you so much AMI...you know you mentioned keeping my word...and basically...you hit the nail on the head...
I did agree to TM him...and It was something that I didn't have a problem with at the time of agreement; however, with you mentioned that simple little phase it didn't occur to me before that I simply have the right no change my mind and not feel guilty for doing so...
I have often had guilt as a result of making a decision then deciding that the decision I intially made is not the best...so I would follow through with the first decision...then regret would step in and I would be angry of my choices...
Having attended a meeting at lunch, I feel pretty comfortble about changing my mind and so far I don't have any guilt related to it...I think that since I was unable to state my boundary in the beginning, completely unaware that I needed one...that should I be asked or not for that matter...I could state my boundary then and there...a simple statement...with no worry about how he will react...
Something like: I didn't TM you b/c I changed my mind and will not remind you to be responsible...
In steady of taking care of him, I am taking care of myself and not putting myself back into that role of caregiver, rescuer...from my POV, I am teaching him that he can not rely on me to do his stuff...I'm thinking that it's a TM now, but what's the next thing that he will ask me to do...
He still has it in his mind that I'm paying this bill...does it hurt me if he doesn't call, NOPE! does it affect me in any way? NOPE!
So that's where I am on that...I appreciate you so much!
Well, hi...no I haven't...there's a scheduling conflict...off work at 5, pick up kid (s), beginner's class starts are 5:30...on Tues./Wed. OS doesn't get home until 5:30 b/c of tutoring at school...
That's signing up for the closest one to the house...it's really diaappointing...you have to pass that 5:30 class b/f you can enter the 6:30 class...and it's on Mondays and Weds.
WOW, you are awesome...to be able to work with the kids in that manner is outstanding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
from my reading today I would have not thought that I was the one with the codependency problem...I have been blaming POWS for his refusal to handle his own stuff...for whatever reason that he chose to do what he did...
i'm learning today that I'm actually the one with the problem and the characteristics...why this occurs, etc....
Now I've been working really hard all these months to change these things about myself...I would have been horrified to put a name to it months ago but today I'm okay with saying that I am/was codependent...and I just need to keep doing what I've been doing...getting to know myself...
WEll, POWS just left...five minutes at the most, if that long...no mention of the TM...I handed over the whole cable bill to him...I don't feel bad about not doing the TM either...
I already made copies and fazed them to my lawyer explaining the sitch...
Even hit him with the fence while he was here...the boys let the dog loose and I was trying to get it closed before she ran to the road...asked for the password to the 401K...wrote it down...hugged the boys and left...
Sorry, I have no clue about the codependency stuff, although I was always under the impression that it was the "other person" -- the one without the addiction or whatever, who codependency usually applied to (in this case, that would mean you).
You know how they always talk about the spouse of an alcoholic being co-dependent. Like being addicted to the addict. At least that's what I always thought about it, but again, I really have NOOOOO clue about any of that stuff.
Sounds like you're figuring it out, though, with your reading!
HEy, AmI...yeap, it's me...I thought it was him...reading and going to that meeting today...I figured out I learned it being a child of an alcoholic...
I started cooking and cleaning at the age of 9, I was an only child...I learned early on in this process that I was over-responsible it just really clicked today...
So, it was natural to pick up that role when him and I got together...I went home one summer, the only summer and during that time he had the lights and the phone turned off for not paying it...so I was the "rescuer"but at the same time he was rescuing me...I thought that life was SOO great...
We had a place of our own, I had a vehicle to use, I was in college, I had two jobs, my bills were paid...I thought we wanted the same things...he was the bomb...
But saving him from himself, the person who lost a whole paycheck to the bank once due to NSF charges...I paid all the bills and did anything that needed to be done...and as time pasted I thought that he was stupid at one point...
I would ask for help b/c he would tell me to ask for help....but it didn't happen...so everything that was gratifing in the beginning b/c I was "needed"...
That was the dynamic that I set up, then you bring in his family stuff and here we are today...I can really understand from reading why I was so angry all the time and after d-day I started learning things here and becoming a better person...
Not reacting...owning my own stuff and I stopped being angry all the time...b/c I didn't direct it at him, I directed it at the kids most of the time...
Now, I REALLY feel like I know why things played out the way they did...what my part in the failure, of course, I don't think that it's a failure if you did the best that you could with what you had at the time of my marriage...
So if I continue to work on this issue and stay in tune to my feeling and and my true self, watch that I'm not taking on OP's stuff when I don't have too...
Basically continue to follow my program...the 12 steps...
MOF, for the first time today I understood what people mean by living in the solutions and not the problems...
It's just like a real WOW day...no high, no low in learning this stuff...it's just matter of fact...I'm no wanting to kick myself...or anything like that...it's like okay, I understand now...
Have to agree with the others - a lot of growth I see in you (channeling Yoda here, LOL). You are on your way to greatness.
Anyone else see the irony or symbolism in her shutting the gate on him equating to her closing the door to him on her life?
On codependency - from Wikipedia and Google:
Quote
A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her. A "codependent" is one side of a relationship between mutually needy people. The dependent, or obviously needy party(s) may have emotional, physical, financial difficulties, or addictions they seemingly are unable to surmount. The "codependent" party exhibits behaviour which controls, makes excuses for, pities, and takes other actions to perpetuate the obviously needy party's condition, because of their desire to be needed and fear of doing anything that would change the relationship.
Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by clinical depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.
Codependence can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family member's chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.
Chew on that for awhile.
Guess I should post my own update soon, huh? Maybe Thursday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
UUHG, just woke up, nightmare again...sp I wanted to put two and two together...I remembered having nightmares last week...so I read my old post and sure enough...they were right after seeing POWs...
When I ran into him last Sat. voting...that night...well, here I am tonight, another nightmare except he wasn't in it, not had I can recall...it started out great and then it just got gross...there was a police office and blood and I was scared and had to wake myself up again...
I'm going to have to watch for that pattern...it seeing him is triggering the nightmares...
Having been down the nightmare road before with my SD, I know that the only way out is through it...I survived those and I'll get pass these...it's just having to wake myself up to calm down...and clear my mind enough to try to relax and go back to bed again...
PBS, thank you for sharing that...if I remember correctly the nightmares were the last thing that I dealt with in reference to my SD and the abuse, SO if I am repeating history then YES I AM closing the door on POWS...
I remember in my dreams back then I was SOOO angry, there were a many times that I ended up sitting on his chest and beating the everliving out of him, I can't remember being scared in those but I would have to wake up to calm down...
I closed that chapter of my life...in God's time I'll be finished with this one too...
I really appreciate you seeing that...if it helps I did tell him I was sorry for hitting him...I caught myself reaching for his waist with my hand, normal behavior for me, he was facing away and I instantly noticed what I was doing and stopped...just said that I was sorry!
I don't know, I don't know what all this means but I didn't think so at the time; however, looking back now I think that I have been a quick learner and I've said it twice in the past week that my behaviors now are coming without me having to think about them...I've seen it twice since last Tues...
So I have patted myself on the back for realizing that...I see alot of OP who haven't had that advantage for whatever reason and I'm very grateful for my progress...certainly not perfection...
Well, i'm making my first chili in the crock pot tonight, that was POWS job and I have to say that I'm enjoying cooking more often these days...like with the chili I was able to add tomatoes...he was allegic to them...and he didn't like beans and I got to add some of them too...caulked if up to another advantage of him not being around...
YOu know like having the WHOLE closet to myself...plenty of room for my SHOES!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm going to go stir the chili and head back to back, I'm so grateful to have a place to come and write, to share my strenght, hope, and experience...thank you all...
OH, PBS...I'm chewing...thanks, that site was not in my reading today...I can see some that I have done and some POWS has done...sincerely appreciated!
You must say Thank You on the grayest days. If a gray day is not one of thankfulness, the lesson has to be repeated until it is. Not to everyone is it so. But only to those who ask to serve Me well, and to do much for Me. A great work requires a great and careful training. --Two Listeners
Rin, try finding "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty at the library. my IC recommended it and it really opened my eyes to "my part" in the unhealthy dance we were doing. hugs, cgw
CGW, thank you so much for the recommendation...I will certainly look into it...
WEll... I didn't sleep well AT all last night and about 11 this morning I started feeling really bad...nausea and hot inside but cold outside, i tried standing in the sun and that didn't work...
Felt like I had stayed up all night studying for a test all night during college...you know you are so tired that you can't figure out if your hungry or not...I tried eating something but that seem to make it worse...
So I took a long lunch and came home and took a nap, I walked into work and it felt so much better...they turned off the heater...
Now, I'm sneezing like crazy, so I took some meds. and tonight I'm taking some PM med to go to sleep and will try to be in bed for 10...I washed clothes last night but didn't fold all of them so that can wait, supper's cooked, kids are finishing their homework now...so I'm just resting tonight...
Morning Bugs! I remember seeing that book somewhere, so when I get a chance I'm going to check it out...
Unfortunately the night was not what I was hoping for...and I took the PM AND I was in bed early for me...the Alien Song was the first time I got up...I woke up twice more, then didn't want to get up with the alarm clock this morning...
I had a good night...My SM called, then i called my SD and we talked about everything under the sun...mind you he was the abuser in my life...
He blames himself for alot of things in my life...I have forgiven him and have moved on...I also realize that there nothing that i can do to "fix" him being guilty. Well, he make a comment last night and I told him that I use to think that the abuse didn't effect me but here in the past week I realized that I was codependent. I told him I was certainly not trying to place blame just explain what was going on with me...
SO we talked about that for a while, my M, my life, etc...I said that when I went looking for someone that my list wasn't very long but now I have a pretty long list of what I'm looking for now and if I can just find 80% then I can work with the other 20%...
So, after I got off the phone with him, my mom TMed me, she was getting off of work and heard that I had called and wanted to know if there was anything she could do for me...so I called her and told her about the conversation but I listed the things I was looking for in a man with her...she agreed that the codependency was a long term effect...and we had a great conversation too...
It's strange that we can talk about the past, no one's feeling get hurt, sometimes I worry about how what I say will impact the listener but I'm finding that the more time or the fact that we talk about it, the less I am concerned with the reaction.
That was the first time that I admitted to any effects from the abuse...especially to my abuser or my mom...it was kind of wierd for me, to be admitting that to them...
I mean I'm glad that I did it but I have my own stuff to deal with as a result of speaking up...it's a little uncomfortable b/c I'm being me and shedding that image/mask I tried to keep up...it's showing that I am vunerable and not as strong as I liked to come off...that's hard to deal with...REALLY HARD...
Admitting that I'm not perfect and that I have faults to my parents, who I gave up to M POWS...sometimes we have to fall flat on our face to be able to get up and dust ourselves off, gather our strenght and courage to start moving forward again...
I was telling my SD that for the longest time I looked outside of myself for approval but today I'm PROUD of ME. It's great to have outside validation, but today I don't need it b/c I can really SEE where I came from and the progress I've made...
Things are starting to feel second nature to me rather than forced...owning my stuff, paying attention to me, feeling good about myself, etc...
If it wasn't for POWS A then I don't know where I would be...I never thought I would say this but D-day was a great thing in the long run for me...
I still wish from time to time that POwS would man up, but I think the best thing I can tell myself here is that old phrase: If you love something, let it go and see if it comes back, then you know it was meant to be...just had to remember not to hold my breathe in the process...don't wait by the phone and let life go by...
Well, since I think I just summed up Plan B...I'm ending it here...
Rin (just one MB success story of personal recovery) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Definately, without a doubt, you are an MB personsal recovery success story!
Quote
today I'm PROUD of ME. It's great to have outside validation, but today I don't need it b/c I can really SEE where I came from and the progress I've made...
LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT! You need to print this out, keep it in your pocket, and pull it out at those times you need a little reminder!
You should feel extremely proud of being able to share with SD the things that you have about the abuse. That is such a HUGE recovery step!
I don't think it's that you don't 'care' about their reaction, but you have put it in it's proper place and that is with THEM, not with you. In addition, you have found positive, non-accusatory ways in which you are able to communicate!
Read your post again & FEEL how AWESOME it is! I have goose bumps just reading it!
Morning! I haven't had the best or the last two days but it's not the worst either...
I mentioned feeling uncomfortable well, I realize that what I'm feeling is guilt associated with me realizing that I was codependent in my M...
I have been having an overwhelming feeling to make amends to POWS, I spoke with my Spon. about it but I feel that I need to talk to her more now that I realize I'm feeling guilty...
I talked to her about making amends with POWs and the way that I was going to do that was simply include a Christmas card to POWS when the boys gave him his Christams gift...simply saying:
"Thank you for your time all these years. I'm sorry for any pain and hurt that I caused you. I hope that you have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year's!
I feel that's all I need to do in relation to him...I do want to say more but feel that I can write a letter saying everything that I need to and just keep it...
I don't want to give him anything that you can use to his advantage with me...
I also realize that I need to make amends to myself and work on forgiving myself but I have no clue how to do that!
I'm trying to develope a new Relationship with POWS, strickly coparenting, and I find myself fearful of opening up to him with just that, allowing him in my life even that small bit...
It's in our paperwork to have contact with each other in regards to the kids wellfare, of course...I got a call from one of OS's teachers yesterday afternoon...so I TMed POWS this morning with a brief desciption:
One of OS's teachers called yesterday, excessive talking, drawing, and incomplete classwork. D in conduct!
He TMed back that he would talk to him tonight. i replied with Thx! And he TMed: No prob.
WEll, I'm fearful that having contact with him will open up my feelings for him...not like you stop loving someone, no matter what the history is...but I have to do this, foremost for me, and for the boys...
Any suggestions, thoughts, would be greatly appreciate...even some reassurance that I'll be okay that I'm strong enough to change this Relationship and be okay...thoughts on making amends to him and to myself...how to deal with the guilt and fear...
I'm open to anything and really need some support...I even sense some anxiety but it's ntohing like I've felt in the past...in the past it was a completely overwhelming sensation like everything in the world wasn't right...it's just uncomfortable...I'm not okay with the way I feel right now...
Last night I woke up again with dreams, this time it wasn't a nightmare but it wasn't any fun either...so I have a lot of work to do for myself right now...but I am completely grateful that I have the awareness to determine what I'm feeling right now...it's still all new to me...
I even find myself resistant to my relationships with OP even here...trying to make sure that I rely on my internal feelings for what I need and I'm not relying on the external...
I do have plans to find that book that was recommended...
"Co-Dependent No More" is an excellent book. In fact, I've thought of recommending it to you before. Actually, I took a class on this book at a church while my DH and I were separated. It was THEN that I began to let go. My eyes were opened wide.
Nine months, huh? Here's an analogy for you. It takes nine months to prepare for birth. I'd say you've been going along "preparing" and "nesting". You are in the throes of labor right about now. Birthing a new you. Discovering things about yourself that you were emotionally unable to see a few months ago. Labor is HARD but the pain goes away almost instantly at the time of birth. You remember the pain but you just don't feel it anymore.
PM, I really like the way that you put that...right before I read your post I was starting to feel overwhelmed and feeling like I was going crazy which signaled that I had felt this before and didn't know how to deal with it...
This would have sent me into crisis mode...
So I looked up how to deal with guilt and was reading that, then I came here and you helped make sense of it for me...
:lowering my head: Thank you for being proud of me...
OKAy, my self-esteem is taking a hit with this too...just realized that...
I think that I have to keep in the forefront of my mind that this is a long term effect of abuse and that I was not doing this on purpose, and not to be so hard on myself...
I was completely unaware of what I was doing at the time...I would like to think that had I known I would have choosen differently...
Then I wonder should I even make amends for something that I was unaware of doing...yeah, i think I should, it was still a mistake...I mean the WS is unaware of the damage that they are doing at the time too and it's needed for the BS that amends be made for them to move on...and I've strived to be the lighthouse...so, regardless of his reaction i need to make amends for me in this case...but at the same I don't want to hand him over an excuse to blame me more than he already does...enable him...
My program teaches me that I should make amends unless it is harmful to others...it this case would I be harming him by enabling him...I'm not asking for forgivness, I don't need it...whether he forgives me for my mistakes as his wife are not important now...it was at one point...
Which with that said my fear is decreased about opening up to him...I think that I need to explore that as a separate issue unrelated to this one...
I think that I just need to know that what I'm experiencing is normal...
Thank you PM, I greatly appreicate your time and energy...it's given me the opportunity to examine it more...and of course for the backup on the book...I'm going to head over to the used bookstore at lunch...
One, even through I made mistakes in the M, I don't think that it gave him the right to treat me the way he did...and of course, I understnd better how I allowed that treatment to take place...but I was not his material object to trade for his own selfish demands...
Second, is whether or nor I truely need to be forgiven for my mistakes from POWS...I did cause him pain and hurt...I know this...I also know that because of his behavior in the past that he has not forgiven me for it because he would over time continue to being things up in a negative way...whether this was to make me feel guilty to do the things that he wanted me to or not, I will never know...
The fact remains that I did cause him pain and suffering...in my eyes at least...
Okay, I called the bookstore and they have codependent no more AND beyond codependency! I got the last one b/c I'm not sure where to go from here...obviously forward...
So they will be waiting for me at the desk at lunch...
I did read a little bit of the first book online...Jesus how I can relate!
I am feeling better than I did this morning, the guilt was hitting me pretty hard.
I'm also very tired...I went home for lunch yesterday, fell asleep, and got back to work late after my boss called to check on me...
AND I'm so tired today too, that's why I called in advance so that I can pick them up and go home to take a nap...hopefully that will ehlp me this afternoon...cause I sure am having a rough morning trying to staying awake...
I'm still reading my BOUNDARIES BOOK but I think that i'm going to have to put that one on the back burner for a little while...
hI aLL! I finally hit the nail on the head...I've read over 50 pages since lunch, highlighted tons of stuff and know exactly what I need to continue to do to move forward...
FOCUS ON ME AND MT NEEDS...
All this time I looked at PA behavior...verbal/emotional abuse (and there was some of that)...my core problem is I am/was codependent...it drove me insane that he watched porn, read porn, dealt with OW...the whole time I was trying to control and on this last A...I became obsessed...when I Med him, he was cheating on me...I second guessed myself standing at the end of the isle but choice to follow through with it b/c it was better than returning home to me and I was 5 months pregnant with OS...I knew I wouldn't be accepted at home being pregnant for POWS...
I so deseparly wanted to be loved, accepted, approved of...this made it easy for me to accept his reality...
I was not taught boundaries either growing up so I'm had to learn those on the way also...
Then I was the over-responsible one and he was not...
Even before marriage I kept telling myself that things would get better, tht he would mellow out when he got older...
I lived in denial...the worst thing I think I told myself was that he wouldn't cheat on me anymore b/c we was scaried of catching something...so I betrayed myself at the same time he betrayed me...I trusted a person that was untrustworthy...that was more concerned about himself then him or his family...
I feared his anger, my world revovled around him and his schedule, his plans...and if my world revolved around him then so did the kids b/c I was primary care giver...
I read the first story in the book and could identify completely with Jessica"...the anger, the hate, the thoughts that she had, the lack of energy, her behaviors...
So Hi I'm Rin, and I'm recovering from codependency! It's a long term result of being sexaully/physically/verbally and emotional abused as a child by my alcoholic SD...I have been victimization 4 additional time in my life, completely unrelated to me marriage and today I'm doing my best to break the cycle in my life...the plan of action that I plan to take is to remain in AL-anon and stay aware of myself and MY life...
Somehow I almost feel like I need a name change at this point! i'm no longer striving4better, I AM BETTER!
I have a feeling you have been quiet this weekend because you are reading, reading, reading! So glad that you are finding such benefit from that book.
You know, I have that here somewhere,,,,I think I might dig it out and read it again myself.
Just wanted to say hi! You sound great. I know you are really excited but remember to slow down and take the time to absorb, re-read, and continue to benefit from your learning!
Morning Bugs! Actually, Friday night I went to my Spon.'s and had dinner, and last night, another friend cooked dinner for me...I ended up drinking TOOOOO MUCH and spent the night! I sobber up this morning after a few cups of coffee! We had one BIG bottle of wine, other little bottle, started on another but I didn't like that one, and a few beers to go with it!
I had a great time and laughed so much and so hard...then we sat outside this morning watching the clouds roll in, trying to figure out what was so funny last night! LSU had a great game! Supper was horrible but that's what you get with some drunk people...
I haven't read a whole lot...yesterday morning I went shopping, finished Christmas for the boys...I had to wrap those up, get them under the tree, and do some cleaning around the house...I'm really surprised I don't have a hang over but my cure all hasn't failed me yet...two glasses of water and two tylenol before bed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm going to get around to do that stuff but I'm going to relax on the sofa and nap a little...we ended up going to bed a little after 2:30 this morning and the dog woke ME up wanting to go outside...I've made a friend for life...I gave him a bath last night! LOL
We plan on cutting loose again in a few weeks... really needed it and I enjoyed myself SOOOO much!
So that's what I've been up too...big difference from the past, I would have had that book read by tonight...but rushes haven't got me a darn place...LOL
Glad you had such a good time this weekend! Sounds Perfect to me!
About this -
Quote
So that's what I've been up too...big difference from the past, I would have had that book read by tonight...but rushes haven't got me a darn place...LOL
I am SO Glad to hear you say this! That was my concern. You found some great information and are getting so much out of it, but you don't need to rush through it. In fact, taking your time is the Best way to get the Most out of it.
Pats on the back for recognizing your past behavior of rushing through it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Good Morning BUGS! Thanks for everything, I don't get a whole lot of posts this days...so I really appreciate the feedback, helps keep me in check you know?
Last night I was working on the Christmas lights outside when POWS and the boys showed up...POWS and I had a great conversation, of course, I was in a great mood...
He told me what they did during the weekend...there was one thing I wasn't happy about but I didn't say anything...I have to call him today about scheduling during the Christmas holidays and I will discuss it with him then...same thing as you and Drac...OS was allowed to go to the skating rink, both of them actually, there was a lock in...not I wouldn't have been able to do that and I wouldn't have done that but his parenting IS different from mine...
I had to accept that his style is different from mine and what he may do with the kids...I may not like it but I do have to accept it...
So I only want to ask if he spoke with OS about his behavior...
Outside of that, I told him that I would be out-of-state for New year's...I'll be visiting a new state, making my second, excuse me, third flight ever, and attending an awesome sporting event!! No better way in my mind to bring in the New Year...different, different, different...I think representative of my new life...and I'm so excited that I COULD NOT SLEEP last night, I was like a little kid waiting for Santa to come...
I'd lay there and try, but it wasn't happening, so I went on-line and looked at the trampolines, but that wasn't happening so I got the boys one of those bound houses! Laid back down but was still thinking about the weekend and the NEw year's...FINALLY I went to sleep about 4...
I was thinking about what I need to bring, buy for the trip, just anything, I'm so excited...I haven't done a whole lot of traveling so I'm so stroked!!
It's nice to not have the "noise" of POWs in my head like LA mentioned...
I went shopping, finished Christmas for the boys...I had to wrap those up, get them under the tree,
You have your lights up, FINISHED your Christmas Shopping, wrapped it AND have a tree already up to put it all under????
If you're thinking about going to another state, come up here and help me! I haven't started ANY of that yet .... no shopping, certainly no wrapping, and we won't even have a tree 'till next weekend .... no idea when it will get put up and decorated. And outside christmas lights? HA! We usually don't get around to gettting those up until about December 23rd and get around to taking them down around March something.
So, little miss organized whirlwind ..... I think you'll have to come help me figure out how to get it all done! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
LMAO...the difference is I have a lot of time to myself! No kids...
I don't have ALL of my shopping done...I still hav to bring the boys to shop for POWS...and I have other presents to get too! I still have a christmas light problem to fix and I'm not decorating the rest of the house this year...
I didn't feel like doing the lights outside, I just don't feel like going through all the stuff that I've done in the past...the entire living room would be done and the dining room table and I'm just not up to it this year...
That's why last night, I made myself go outside and start...now once I started I was fine...it's just getting started...
I would LOVE to come visit you sometime...Oh, this will get you...I mailed most of my Christmas cards Saturday...I ran out of stamps and couldn't find YOUR address, among others I was looking for! LOL
Okay, i'm here thinking out load...a few minutes ago I heard myself say in my head..."Boy, I'm really screwed up!" and you know I didnt hear that b/f...then, I realized that I'm holding myself accountable for something I'm not...a place that I'm not...
So I hear myself today kicking myself over and over again and I just didn't hear that before...I didn't realize that I sent myself these messages...
Sitch came up and I realized that I saw myself as the lesser person...comparing my moral beliefs to that of another person...
Thing is how DO "I" stop this...how do I move from subconsciously kicking myself to feeling that I am a person of value and equal to the outside world...
This reminded me of the other day when i said that my self-esteem had taken a hit admitting to being COdependent...I always thought that I felt pretty good about myself...
But now, I heard myself saying that I'm a bad influence...now, I know that's not the case b/c I can not influence anyone unless they make that choice...I "know" that I don't have that kind of power...so what?
You know thinking back I can remember holding myself to high standards and felt defeated when I didn't accomplish those...sounds to me like I have to admit that I AM human and that I am not perfect...
I don't understand how I can send myself Double messages? Like : You're good but not as good as ____! (Fill in your person, place or thing!)
HEllo LG, I greatly appreciate you stopping by...you couldn't have posted on a better day...my internet's been down since I got home and I was falling into a ditch...
The boys argued all night long, I couldn't get my BRAND new Christmas lights to work on that new fence I have...I was really tired...
I cooked, then the weight of ME hit and I was suddenly exhausted, I had to tell the boys that I needed a nap...I woke up to the two of them going back and forth...I was not in the best of moods on that one...I hate being woken up, always have...grouchy bear I am!
So I blew a gasket, sent YS to bed early, he kept backtalking, and I didn't have the mental tolerance to do anything else with him tonight...THEN, OS announced that he had punish work b/c he didn't complete an assignment this weekend b/c he was at his dad's and dad was constantly going somewhere....
I looked at him and said No, you chose not to make the time, if you had told your dad he would have made you do it. So, I picked up the phone and made him call his dad and tell him what happened and what he had to do b/c of it...OS changed his story to ...ready...."I forget!"
I didn't ask what was said, that's between the two of them, just wanted POWS to know that OCCASIONALLY OS has homework on the weekend and maybe should ask...I left it alone after that...OS completed the punishwork and was sent to bed...
It's one of those nights that I'm wondering HOW IN THE WORLD am I going to get these boys grown...I'm sure that I can't be alone in this but some days I really want to give up...
LG thank you for keeping up with me, that means alot...I promise I won't forget and I'll think of you while I'm there...t-shirt? LOL...
I SOOOO wish I could be in the Dome to watch the REALLLLL tigers but with tickets starting at a grant, that WILL NOT HAPPEN!!! I'm just thrilled to be able to watch them in the championship game!!!!
I'm hoping that Flynn's shoulder is better by then, I'm sure it will be, but I'm happy to have someone so diverse at Perilloux to be backup...AND LES MILES IS STAYING, smart man from my POV...just think how much they are going to want to offer him NOW!! Great career move IMHO!
I think this is going to be an interesting game, but Ohio's going to have a rough time of it...whether they have the ball or we do I think that we're going to dominate...It will be close...
HI all! It's been an interesting day...I came home for lunch and overslept...got back to work 30 minutes late...
The car didn't act like it wanted to start this morning...and then when I went to pick up YS from the sitter's the car was making a horrible sound like it does from time to time...and the sitter's boyfriend heard it...
So we talked about it and what it COULD be and I told him that I was going to stop by the autoparts store and get tehm to run an electrical test...sure enough, well, I thought it was the alternate but it was the battery...so I came home, changed the battery...got to use my new tool set...lost one of the sockets in the car and I can't get to it!!!
Got that finished and went pick up the kids from religion, and returned the old battery...I'm just sitting down...AND I made a point to call my mom and thank her AGAIN for sending my Christmas money early BECAUSE that was what got my Mechanic tool set, which here I am what three, four days later HAVING TO USE IT!!!!
God's timing! I'm so happy to have what I need, despite POWS effects, to get the things that I need done...AND I get to celebrate changing my first battery out tonight! WHOOHOOO!!!
Just call me the Rinster!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm A TIGER fan for THIS one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Do you know that a Buckeye in nothing but a worthless nut? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
And don't be TOO SURE about Mr Miles heading back to Michigan....
Whos that coach at Alabama? Mr. Miles seems a bit more honest than that.....
Hey LG, I don't doubt that he will go but I don't see him going right now...
I honestly think that it will be after next season...that's where he wants to be...
Perhaps I'm living in denial, wishing that he will remain for ONE MORE YEAR...what he's got three more years to live off of Saber's recruiting...we will see what Mr. Miles' word stands for, huh?
AND thank you for gathering that wonderful piece of information on the buckeye...LMAO....
On the car subject, changing that battery last night seems to have solved another car issue...it didn't occur to me that the ignition would be affected...I had the switch changed out months ago and my key was still getting stuck but not since yesterday...
well, time to tend to the kids...OS just got home and YS is asleep in my bed...Kindergarden wears him out...LOL
Wow, Rin! It sounds like you had a rough day yesterday. Sorry I wasn't reading up. I'm here now, and want to say that the thing with the boys; it's normal. Kids fight. The thing with the homework; it's normal. Kids forget, or put other things in a place of higher importance, especially without their parents CONSTANTLY on them. Even with two parents, these things happen.
AS a single parent, I think you are amazing! Now, give those boys a swat across the head and a big hug from me!
Thank you SOOO much...I did thank MOM! And I'm going to Thank DAD too for giving me the talent the next time I see him!
WEll, ignition is still a problem...I will be SOOO happy to get a new vehicle, get all of this community property settled...I'm hoping by this coming June!
WEll, time to get something to eat, finish homework,get these boys down for the night, and go to bed early...
If I could just train myself to sleep all night and NOT get up! I know it's bad habit now...okay I'm exhausted!
Good Evening! I lost my post from earlier today, it was a good one too...I did get aggravated...but that was the last thing that I got aggravated with...there was something at work this morning that set me in that direction...
Being blamed for something that was not mine to own...as if I should have been able to read minds...know what I could not know...
So, when I lost that post I had it and came home and took a nap to wipe the slate clean....
When I got back to work I was expecting to hear something about the profit lose but I didn't and it was SOOO busy that the hours flew by...I got off early to bring the boys to get their hair cut and then I brought them shopping for presents from their dad...
Well, I had a loyalty program that could be converted to dollars and it was almost 300 dollars that I had been saving at the Harley shop... not more than 15 minutes after we were their POWS appeared...
We spoke about the change in the holiday schedule, I will have them all day Christmas day and he will pick them up the following day and go to the ILs...
I was going to pick out some things for the boys being that he was there made it easier...I asked if he would do it and bring them to the counter...well, it came up to more than I had in points, so POWS paid for it...there was nothing it the lot for me...and he asked if I got anything/ if I wanted anything and I said no...he asked if I was sure and I said I was positive... I got my Christmas early...
The presents that he picked out will be from him to the boys...at some point we will meet and I will give them to him...he ever purchased something to drink for me because I was digging for some money for the coke machine...
Well, POWS hugged and kissed the boys, he was on that side of town paying the bill that was in my name...and just "happen" to stop by...
It was the first time that I had stepped foot into the Harley shop since I left...I reconnected with a friend that works there and we exchanged numbers...I got to tell MY side of the story and I felt validated being that my friend just went through the same thing and could relate after their nine years R...POWS and I were being so friendly that I was even asked if we were back together...
I said no, MOF, that was in my post today, that even if POWS came to his senses I don't think that I would take him back...I'm enjoying my life...
The intense fear that I had is gone, we are able to talk about the kids, nothing personal, happy go lucky, and we both went our separate ways...no triggers...no emotion from seeing him... not like last month at the voting polls...nothing...
Not even judging him in my mind, accepting the moment for what it was an occasional run in, that worked well to my benefit...
No anxiety about loving him...wishing that he would change, so that we could be a family again...The kids and I just went on with our lives...to the pet store...and then home...not a word from them...
It's the good life...I'm not even sad that it has turned out this way...
Actually, I can't take credit for recognizing how you reclaimed a part of your life,,,,,, that goes to Sis and the folks on her thread. I read about her going places which triggered her or in which she was afraid of running into her WH or RT. She faced it with class, bravery, and dignity, of course! I immediately thought of her when I read your story.
It really stuck with me about reclaiming parts of our lives, and especially 'places'. It's an important part of recovery, IMHO.
Hi, guys...thank you for the wonderful support! I must be reclaiming my internal place too...
This is the second morning that I dream about POWS...I cn't remember what yesterday's was about but it wasn't a nightmare this time...
Today's we got into an argument, we WERE working as a team before that...so I left and went outside, it was night time and POWS came outside well, I was in the shadows, RIGHT in front of him but he didn't see me...
NIL walked outside and they were sitting together, she started saying not so nice things about me and I sat there and listened, not saying a word until POWS said something about where I was...
Then I called the dog over to me and that's when they saw me...I wasn't more than ten feet from them...
I didn't say a word about the horrible things that MIL said about me, just let the look on her face say it all when she realized that I had heard what she said...
That was enough for me...and when I spoke to POWS it was pleasant, no harsh tone in my voice, no wanting to set the record straight, nothing...just said whatever I had to say to him and moved on...
I woke up b/c I was laying on my shoulder wrong and couldn't move it hurt so bad...so I'm up a little early this morning, thankful that it's Friday...I'm bring the kids to see some awesome Christmas lights in New Orleans tonight with Spon. and her H...
I was thinking to myself last ngith about the interaction and wondering it if was conflict avoidance, but there's no conflict b/t us...as far as I'm concerned what's done is done...it's the past which I can not change...
No reason to rehash...useless...I have nothing that needs to be resolved with his input, I've doen that for me...I know where I've made my mistakes and I'm comfortable with that...
When I talked about redefining my R with POWS, one strictly of co-parenting, I didn't know how to take on that task, where to begin but it also seems to come natrual...
In a way I guess that I have forgiven him for all the pain and hurt that he has caused...at least on the surface...I continue to work it out in my dreams...this morning it seemed that there was no inner conflict with him that I am truly at a place of peace...
I'm sure that there will be more things to work on...old behaviors arising from the ash as time presses on...but like I did last night, simply question, in all of about a minute, and then dismiss it...
No committee in head, no anxiety...a fleeting thought...and then moving on to what I need to do...
I truly feel that I have learned my lessons from the M, my part...trusting untrustworthy people, my codependent behaviors, giving myself away, my resentment...all my fault and I'm okay with that...no kicking myself...what done is done...
I can look back at some of the comments that POWS said during the M and even find some truth in them...where I was living in denial and refusing to hear what he said...b/c I wasn't the one with a problem HE WAS...
I lived in the problem...POWS...instead of living in the solution...ME...now that I have figured that out...I know that the more that I focus on me the better friend, mother, sister, etc. I can be...
Once I couldn't see the forest for the trees and today I have admired each leaf, turning it over and studing each each vein which life flows...able to see the beauty when all I saw before was the fungus growing on the trunks...the moss hanging from each, thinking to myself that the fungus was smoothing the life...MY life...well, I put the moss there to begin with, thinking that it would be beautiful and as it multiplied, I didn't like it, grew to hate it actually... it was alot of hard work removing that moss but I wouldn't change a thing...
I know you are coming from a place of great strength right now and that is fantastic! I just want to issue a word of caution on proceeding too quickly down the co-parenting path. I'm not saying NOT to do it,,,, just take it slowing and with caution to keep yourself strong and protected.
OK?
You have learned and changed a great deal. Yet, it's like with anything 'new' that we learn, it takes time to really integrate it into our daily lives & habits.
We both know it is a continuing process and that there will be bumps in the road. As long as we watch for those speed limit signs and control the velocity of our travels, we'll not get thrown around or have to activate those airbags when we DO hit those bumps!
I'm not interested in getting all buddie buddie with him...I don't want him to think that I'm okay with what he did, the choice he made...
I'll like to think that I'm in a modified PLan B...I like to stay hidden as much as possible...I'm not ready to hear about his life and some of the things that he does with the kids...MOF, for the first time with him, the less I know the better...
I like being removed...
I completely agree with you that there will be bumps int he road that I wasn't expecting...a trigger here and there...something that will set me off...if I go for two weeks with talking to him about the kids so be it...I don't "need" it...
Besides, I don't need him mistaking my kindness for weakness...I perfectly capable of taking care of these boys without his help...and doing fine...a little stressful sometimes but I can handle it and I will not EVER admit to HIM that it's stressful...definitely my pride there...
IT will be a cold day in ****** b/f I swallowed my pride for his sake...
Outside of that, last night I went with Spon. and her H to New Orleans to Celebration in the Oaks in City Park...Oh, the Christmas lights were beautiful...they had a laser light show...a HUGE CHristmas tree...Christmas music sung by kids...
The BOYS ran around, we ate juke food...I had a hot buttered rum...WOW...that was a first...I liked it!! But they played and played and played...on the way home, all three of us were asleep...
LOL...Spon. gave me a hug when we got back to her house and she said "Sorry, we kept you out so late!" I have to laugh...they are in their early 50's and here's me and the kids...we're the ones sleeping...
We left right after I got off of work at 5 and didn't get home until 11...YS went right to bed...I had to tell OS that I was going to bed and it was time for him to do the same thing...
On the weekend, it's a free for all as far as bedtime...but the weekdays I'm strict about...always been that way...the weekends are our play time...I always hope that they will sleep late but that doesn't happen...always up early...at least they are old enough that they can get their own breakfast and stuff...MOM can SLEEP...LOL
I don't have anything else planned for the weekend as far as going somewhere...MAYBE rent some movies, b/c I have to put gas in my car! And we're going to do some baking...OH, the kids and SPon. planned a night during their vacation that they are going to sleep at her house...they plan to bake gingerbread men! THey are SOOOO excited...
I had to help YS count the days on the calendar this morning to when school let out and when Santa was coming...
Well, I would have said in the past that I'm in my "lazy" mode...have been for awhile...but today I said that I'm in self-care mode...if the dishes sit in the sink a little longer that's fine...same thing with the clothes...LOL
OH, OH, OH...MAJOR...I have a realor doing a walk through of the house Monday to compute a value on the house so I can use it to get this community property thing on the way...I called my Lawyer yesterday and talked to the para...
She said that we can start negotiating now and she was going to talk to Lawyer...I'm going in with gun blazing but the truth of the matter is that's purely for effect...there's not much I want...the house, my car...I got the kids...and just pay me for the rest...I DO WANT THE KIDS PICS BACK...that's a must!!!
Anyway, I'm moving on that...I may not have to get an appraisal...and I was thinking about asking for a 529 account for each of the boys for college...but that's it...
I was thinking about a 529, too....a co-worker suggested going through the plan that the state offers. She has two kids in college and said that it has proven to be very easy to use.
Dunno if you have one in LA, but it might be worth checking out.
I see it as a step forward; a way of working towards a future for you and the boys. Good for you!
(don't forget to plan for your retirement, while you are at it!)
Sis, thanks for being that to my attention...I wonder how I can do that?
I don't have a 401K with my company...too small...not sure about IRAs and the other things that are out there...I was interested in a money market account and CDs...
Just thought I'd post a recommendation on finances. Have you ever heard of a guy named Dave Ramsey? He has a book called "Financial Peace Revisited" that has info. on this like this-investing for college, getting out of debt etc.
He's pretty down to earth.
Hope things are going well down your way. It's sunny and cold in the PNW. I'm headed to my YS's ROTC drill team meet. They spin rifles in formation. It's very cool.
WEll, the kids and I watched movies at night...YS is asleep on the sofa and I'm headed to bed...
I feeling a little sad and vunerable tongiht...I watched Stepmom...
And then I've been fighting a slight headache tonight...the combo is not sitting well with me...a little lonely...some sleep should clear things right up...
Thanks for sharing you guys/gals...I appreciate it and the road that you all have walked with me...
I used to like that movie when it first came out because of my role as StepMom to Dss. They don't come out and say there was adultery involved or not, but it's too likely for me to be able to tolerate watching it these days.
HI, I was up a little early, then decided to go back to bed and woke up a little while ago...
I have somethings to get done today...just cleaning the house...for this inspection, basic stuff needs to be done, clothes picked up, kitchen cleaned, floors, etc...
I'm not doing any repairs...the way it is is the way it is...better for me in the long run...coming in low, will have a greater chance for me to get some other stuff to help out the kids and I...
There's still some trim that needed to be done and the boys bathroom needs some repair...
I have to move Christmas boxes out of the house and into the garage...
JT, I'm SO happy that your son did so well, and his team...GF in the group, WOW! I would get a kick out of watching that too! :giggle:
BUGS, I did catch that A in the movie...but you know that didn't really bother me...I was crying...thinking about the single mom thing and how she struggled with the whole cancer thing...losing her life, her kids...
Watching her go throught the stages and the struggle...that's what made me sad...but I really love the movie...
HEy all! Well, the kids will be getting a trampoline anyway...I won't be able to see my dad and SM for Christmas with the car problems I'm having and my dad will only be in for a short time...
So they are ordering it and shipping it to my house...I just got off the phone with SM, she wanted to know if it was okay...
Now I have the bounce house and I told her that they could have both but now I'm wondering if I should return it and get them something else...I think that I should, the yard is little, and I can't have both up at the same time....
Well, I could have one int eh front yard and one in the back...
Oh, decisions!!! I could drag the bounce house with me to places...events, etc...also...
Good evening! Running a bath to relax in, so I can rest from the days work...we got a pretty good bit done...
not everything that I wanted to do but good enough... the boys worked hard...
I will return that bounce house...It was a busy day with the phone...talked to both my mom and stepmom...not to mention a few friends...I remember a time when my phone wouldn't ring for days...so I can really appreciate a day like today...
Well, let me get my "rest on"...enjoying that bath pillow I was talked into...like that was hard to do! LOL
HN2 emailed me this morning asking for the title to the bike that POWS was not suppose to sell b/c of the D processing...
I emailed her back saying that it was part of the community property settlement and that POWS would have to talk to his Attorney...
She replied: Oh, ok, I'll let him know. He's the one that told me to ask you!
I also TMed POWS and told him that he would have to tlak to our Attorneys about the title and asked that he pls not give out my email address...I wrongly accused him of giving out the email address...
So, POWS wrote me and I apologized ONLY for accusing him of giving out the email...he told me to stop telling him what to do...I reminded him to reread the TM b/c I asked...
WE're meeting for present exchange before I pick up the boys...
I WILL conduct myself in a classy manner, I will not say anything outside of an issue with the boys...
I'm writing that to hold myself accountable...I will also not react to a darn thing he does or says...I will get this over and done with in a timely manner...
Could use some encouragement...
And what's up with HN2? And POWS telling her to ask me? That's crazy!!! if she didn't know something was up with that bike, she does now...
Hi ALL! It's been an interesting day...POWS cancelled on me for this afternoon, which is great b/c I'm tired from watching what I said with HN2...i wanted to see what you guys thought...b/c of her confession that cuts out alot of legal [email]cr@p[/email] from my side to go through...
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Hey Rin,
I was just wondering if you have the title to the Yamaha bike? As you know, we bought it a while ago and we need the title. If you don’t have it, we can get another copy, I just thought it would be easier if you had and would be willing to give it to us. Also, I hope the boys told you that if they ever want to come over they are more than welcome. I told them to tell you that the last time they were over at the house. We miss them very much and would very much like to stay a part of their lives.
Thank You, HN2
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It's part of the community property settlement, POWS will have to contact his Attorney! The boys are more than welcome to go and play when G is there.....just have him call.....they asked yesterday but we haven't seen anyone home in some time...
Rin
HN2:
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Oh ok, I will let him know. He is the one who told me to ask you for it. We were in Lake Tahoe all last week and Mississippi the week before so we have not been home. Next time he is over, I will get him to call the boys. Thank you and have a nice day.
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I bet you guys had an awesome time! I know I would have...I figured that ya'll weren't home, so I kept an eye on the house...no one came by that I know of...it was quiet there...
I'm sure that the boys would enjoy that alot! Rin
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May I ask when you purchased it?
Rin
HN2:
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We purchased it when POWS got it back from D. I believe it was at the end of March, early April.
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Thank you...you may want to see if the sell is legal.....
Rin
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I am not sure what to do about that. Who should I ask that question to?
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I would call your Attorney and explain the situation...we were not suppose to do anything with any property...it was stated in both of our paperwork...he got his when he was served.....
I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation... Rin
HN2:
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Ok, I will make a phone call. Have ya’ll still not settled community property? I sure hope it was legal.
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No, we just finished Custody about a week ago...we are now moving into community property...still haven't gotten back the papers that we've signed...Rin
HN2:
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I am not sure what you mean about what he is telling his lawyer, but that is when we purchased the bike. I don’t know where the miscommunication is coming from, but I was there when he told his lawyer when we bought the bike. I sure hope this doesn’t turn into a big mess.
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I'm just saying check into it...from your own safety...I have POWS telling a different story in writing from his lawyer...so your meeting may have been after that...I wish you all well..take care! Rin
He'll definitely have some explaining to do. Does this strengthen your position for coming to some sort of settlement instead of having to wait for more court?
It definitely puts him in contempt, since he was restrained from selling marital property.
The neighbor probably has less to worry about, legally, than STBXH. I'd guess that the sale can be held up on her side a little easier than it can on his side. He will be in some hot water, though.
How is your attorney at these things? Hopefully he doesn't just blow it off. Proving that STBX was selling off marital property when he wasn't supposed to be -- and that he (and maybe his attorney?) lied about it, too -- seems like a pretty big card to be able to play.
I'm going to push it...I don't think that we will have to go to court now...I would like to settle and get it over with...
yes, he is in contempt and I will fax the remaining info over to my laywer tomorrow...the comments about POWS stating exactly what she said in front of his lawyer...
This is just going to make things so much easier...
From what I understand he has received all of the money from it, which is less than Fair Market value...so regardless if we push for the contempt of court...he will still have to pay me half of the Fair Market value is...
I just want this is come to an end...and only with God's help will this be done...
Two days after I talk to the paralegal about started the community property negotiation...THIS happens...AMAZING!!!
I'm going to protect me and the boys, but at the same time, I want to take the path of least resistance...I'm tired of dealing with him in this manner...
Hi BUGS, granted I would like to have my bike back, finish learning how to ride, but at the same thing...I just want my half...
Here are some facts: I find myself really wanting to stick it to POWS...POWS has "sold" this bike to them...I'm not sure if I want the bike or just my half of it...
I want POWS to feel the consequences of his actions...I "WANT" to hurt him for all the crap that he's done...I know this...I want him to feel the consequences of his actions...
So if it's up to me, how do I do this without searching revenge on POWS...I know that I want to do this...i know what I feel...How do I take the higher road on this one? What are my choices? I do have to live by these people...
I still find myself wanting OP to "SEE" what POWS is doing, the lying, hurting his family, etc...
It's the same stuff...I was so tired when I got home yesterday...DRAINED...then I started getting this headache and told the boys I was sorry but mom had to lay down for a while to try to get rid of it...
I talked to my mom and she said it was tension...I slept about an hour and when I woke up I did feel better...
I'm trying to do the best that I can...trying to figure out how I can get out of the way of his consequences and still tka ethe higher road...
Hey Rin.. sounds like he's serving himself up on a platter.
I'm happy that you ought to be able to get something fair out of it, and the contempt and lies he's told his lawyer will not fare well for him I'm sure in the eyes of a mediator or the Judge.
I'm getting ready to go into this process myself and am sort of holding my breath trying to think about what may happen.
My prayers are with you in hopes that whatever the outcome, it is the best possible for you and your family.
Thank you James...I will certainly do my best to support you in your time of need...POWS definitely is doing that...
I was like you and holding my breathe...praying and wishing that the boys and I could move back into the house...that's was the longest 6.5 months...all three of us living in one room...
Due to my sitch I felt there was no other choice but to leave, got a TRO, and we left...
It was hard, but slowly, in God's time things have been coming together...God's time has taught me to be patience and be still...I still revisit that lesson often...
I really needed to hear from YOU, today...someone else who can relate to the process...most of the people that I Plan Aed and Plan Bed with have recovered...MOF, three wonderful people who touched my life...all ending up here at the same time...
That's tough to wrap my head around sometimes...so I am blessed for your very presence today! I will also pray for you and your family...take care! Rin
I'm glad if my presence here has helped.. though I'm not sure I really contributed in a significant way other than that I have the utmost empathy for your sitch. You're actually a long way ahead of me here, and one of the people I've been looking at to see how some of this can go.
Your message about God's timing could not have been more perfect for me, as I'm struggling right now with patience as we mentioned on the other thread. It's funny sometimes how God always gives us the people, or the words we need at the right moments. He is good to us, and knows what we need.
I suppose one thing that I need to keep in mind too, is that as strong as my faith in God to work on the other side of the mountain is.. I am on a path right now to personal recovery. I was just telling Skinsgal today that she needed to measure success not by the 'results' of what she sees in her WH's life.. but in the results she is seeing in her own.
I suck sometimes at taking my own advice.. but it's nice I can give it to others.. helps me hold myself accountable to the things I -know-.. but am fighting against.
Afternoon LA, Thank you for the reminder...I KNOW that they are coming...and will continue to come...without any assistance from me...I'm doing my part...
I went to a meeting at lunch and it was pointed out to me that I am mistaking revenge for justice...I completely agree with that...I want to see justice serviced...
James...
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I suck sometimes at taking my own advice.. but it's nice I can give it to others.. helps me hold myself accountable to the things I -know-.. but am fighting against.
There you go!!!How can you be the lighthouse with this statement?
You just BEING HERE, it what helped...just your very being...sharing with me today...regardles of whether "I" found wisdom, comfort, or anything in your words...You being you, you being honest...that's what helps! For this I am grateful...
Hi again...well, the boys will be getting signed Footballs for Christmas from my bosses...Mr. Hebert will be back this coming Tuesday...
His son is 18 6'2" 285lbs...Bobby sai that we will see him playing in 09' and by that time he will probably be 6'5" over 300lbs., he's playing center...
On a somewhat related Saints/College football note.. I got to watch Drew Brees eat dinner that I partly cooked most nights after football practice when I was working my way through college... cocky Freshman with a heck of a gun and a weird birthmark on his cheek.. he didn't seem all that important back then.. small world right?
Great guy though.. -always- said thank you as he came through the line at the athletic hall.
Word to those whose children are going to college and will be expected to work.. the Athletic Dining Hall is -the- place to work.. always shifts available to pick up.. and after the athletes eat and leave.. you get to.. in other words.. you eat steak, broiled chicken, good pasta with sauce that doesn't resemble catchup, and real vegitables while everyone else eats mystery meat, bad pizza, canned veggies, and pudding stolen from expired army MRE's.
Just another tip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I went to college with Chris Boniol, was a place kicker for Dallas, I don't know what he's up to now...the first time I met him he was an orientation leader, then as time passed we had some classes together...
NOT a great guy...completely into himself...well the first year he played for Dallas...he came into the store that POWS and i were managing at teh time...I forget who he was with, he played for Dallas too...
Well, this guy asked us if we knew who that was pumping gas, and POWS turns around and said "yeah, he was a d!ck when I knew him and he's probably still a d!ck!"
You should have seen the look on this guy's face...totally a Kodac momemt!!!! That was my Senior year! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
MOF, I had to pull out my yearbooks to remember Chris' last name...
Drew Bree is the bomb..I do have to admit that!!! I'm not much on NFL and I told Bobby that today...he laughed and said I was like his dad...not much of a Saints fan but I bleed purple and gold...LOL
I thought that was funny in itself...Bobby's own dad!!!
anyway, it occurred to me earlier tonight that my cousin is a MAJOR Saints fan and OS pulled his name for Christmas...
So while the boys were at religion tonight I finished their Christmas shopping and picked up my cousin a football to add to the lot for this Tues...
OH, POWS called me today after I left work wanting to get teh presents from me, but I didn't have time to meet him...So I suggested that he just pick them up on Sunday when he returned the boys...he agreed...I was a little surprised to hear from him...he exuded effort...WOW!!!
So that sitch is solved and I don't have to do anything extra...MOF, I can have them sitting out there under the patio with the little bit of mail he still recieves here and I can be in the house...easy peasy...
Oh James...we didn't have an Athelic Hall...we had a Student center and all the food was good...LOL...I'm sorry that you went through that!!!LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Just popping by to say I hope you didn't get too "white on rice" with OS,,,,but not too little either! You know that *I* know what you are dealing with! OS is lucky to have yo there!!
I got him...not "TOO" white on rice...but he didn't even know what happened I got him so quick when he walked throught the door...
I was really calm...and I asked "do you know what that was for?"
"yes ma'am!"
"Did I warn you when I got the call from teh teacher last time?"
"yes ma'am!"
"Good, we'll discuss it later!"
Later came and he's also ground for a week...I TMed POWS again told him OS was grounded to next week and it was up to him whether to uphold the grounding through the weekend...POWS will be upholding it...So I thanked him for working with me and he replied that's the way it's suppose to work!
OS is also to have all homework assignment signed by the teacher and will be giving them to me when he gets home...
So the co-parenting is working well...I keep POWS informed and I think by giving him the choice made it easier for him to go along with...I don't know and I can guarantee that he will follow through but that remains to be seen...
From the small interaction that I have had with him, I like the relationship better...and I can also see why it would be hard for a WS to go back into the M...WHY...b/c I hear myself saying I can deal with him but I can't deal with the issues at hand...as long as I let it go I'm find...there are many things that I would tolerate and love him for before but I can't allow myself to do that now!
From the small interaction that I have had with him, I like the relationship better...and I can also see why it would be hard for a WS to go back into the M...WHY...b/c I hear myself saying I can deal with him but I can't deal with the issues at hand...as long as I let it go I'm find...there are many things that I would tolerate and love him for before but I can't allow myself to do that now!
Man that's tough to hear.. you'd think that cooperative coparenting might build up trust and care over time.. maybe that's part of the trick too.. you start to become comfortable with eachother again.. and once the A ends.. if it's of duration and coparenting is established.. there is already a foundation for rebuilding trust and working together..
Just a thought.. just thinking out loud (sorta) I suppose.
James...If he wasn't still sticking it to me in this D...having to weed through all of the lies...to get to the truth and this is non-affair stuff...
There's no room for trust right now...and I FINALLY have gotten comfortable talking to him...being in his presence...that was tough...being that nine and a half months ago I feared for my life...
i don't know, we will see...only time can tell...there's SOOO much he would have to do...
BUGS:
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James & Rin,
You 2 have me on the edge of tears right now having read your posts from today!! Talk of parents, what we have gotten from them (good & bad), loss of them, Rin's GrandF, how it relates to our R, how it relates to our M, how our WSs are effected by the same in their FOO, and then to how we discipline our kids today in the hope for their futures!
OMG! It's almost overwhelming. I hope you two will sit back and read through today's posts again. There is some FABULOUS stuff in there that I SOOOO relate to!
You are both so special! Pats on the back,, hugs,,, prayers,,,kudos,,, thank yous,,,,and keep up the great work. There truly are angels here and I count you both among them!
I really appreciate the compliments...for some reason I'm being triggered right now...not really in a bad way but all of these thoughts are flooding to mind...I stated that my GrandF's b-day was Fri, but it's actually Sat...well, there's my reason...I was very overwhelmed with grieve this morning having posted how I lost him and then POWS confessed...
POWS told everyone that I was dealing with the lose just fine but I wasn't I was broken...I suggested that the seven grandchildren be the pallbearers for him...well, my HS just had a child, so that let the six of us...it was an honor to carry him as he had carried me SOO many times...
Last year, I wasn't able to grieve at this time either...the M was in a grave state...POWS had burned my books in Oct., and the violence was underway...I barely noticed the time thinking back...no time for reflection, just time to deal with the present...
Today I have that time...I was extremely hurt my POWS' inability to be there for me...MOF, when it came time for the family members to says their goodbyes before closing the casket...he snook out the back with all of the friends...the hurt that he caused was beyond believe...I held that against him for some time and in a way I think I still do...
To me that was just as bad as my parents refusing to come to my college graduation, I was the first to do that, b/c I was with POWS...racial thing...
Complete abandonment...complete lack of trust...in my eyes POWS has at this present day and time, damaged things beyond repair...I want to let him in, don't get me wrong, but I can't allow myself to b/c the pattern is that I get hurt...
he can not be what i need him to be...I can not accept WHO HE IS or HAS become....I'm not sure what is what...
Sometimes just b/c we love someone doesn't make it healthy to be with them, and it's better to let them go...this is where I am with POWS...still reeling from past hurts...to be forgiven in time, at a later date...
Today, almost two years later, I am allowing myself time to grieve the lost of my GrandF, to reflect, to lear from my mistakes...the lack of respect that I gave POWS from my codependency...wanting to be needed, to be loved, after effects of the abuse from my childhood...my GrandF was my lighthouse...
Completely accepting...of me, POWS, life...someone to be cherished...someone I told on MANY occasions how grateful I was for all that he did for me...Today I am STILL just as grateful...for lessons that even he doesn't know that he's still teaching me...
I am sadden by not having him here in the flesh but his still lives in me...I strive to be the kind of person that he was...to teach that to my children...
So for today I sit with my heart in my hand, hugging it tightly b/c it has grown so much with teh love that I have been given from him...and I will allow it to weep openly...for now is the time to do so...
No thoughts of POWs, my M, OW, the pain...all cleared away with the help of the one thing that my GrandF tried to teach me...THERE IS A GOD!
As hard as it is, it is good to finally face and deal with the grief of your loss. Think of it this way, at least you have the strength now to deal with it in a Healthy way! {{{{Rins heart}}}}
I agree with you BUGS, and it's not overwhelming like it was...Thank you for the hug...
I wonder it I'll ever be able to forgive POWS for not being there for me when I needed him...
I still have a few memories that REALLY stick out in my mind about the whole A thing...like at his Christmas party two year's ago...he was on the phone with OW, talking about bring her a doggie bag, she was home sick...this was before I found out that it was a PA...
I SURE didn't want to go the to Christmas party last year and this year I don't have to worry about it...MOF, I think his party is this weekend and he'll have the boys, so I don't think that he'll even be going...
I, on the other hand, will be at a Christmas party this Sat...around people I trust and value to have as friends in my life...
I don't know how to completely forgive him yet...I still find myself wanting to throw hurtful comments in his direction sometimes when I talk to him and I have to remember that it's just not worth it...I want to call him a lair and attack...I don't know what to do with that...how to deal with that...so IT IS really easier to just let it go...
This is the reason why I chose to stay in a PLan B of sorts...b/c I want to react to him...it's sooo easy...
I feel much better this morning than I did yesterday...I went to bed early again...and I'm not feeling as tired as I was...yesterday I felt like I couldn't wake up...I think that I'll try to stick to that a few more nights...
Ok, let me get ready for work and get these kids off...
I can only imagine how difficult that is to deal with.. sounds like you are finally allowing yourself emotionally to mourn the loss. This is a GOOD and HEALTHY thing I think. Tells me at least you're in a place emotionally that you can cope with things other than the daily muck that comes with being a BS... not playing the victim card here, just saying as we all know.. it's a load of crap to deal with day in and day out.
The lies and deceptions really do eat away at the trust we long to rebuild with them.. I'm experiencing that first hand. Fortunately she's gone quiet again.. I think maybe she's discovered I'm still seeking custody and that's thrown up the walls all over.. but honestly, it's helping.. not having her come stir the pot.. I'm thankful for it, sort of.
Still.. I really wish she'd open up again so that we could talk like civilized adults.. instead of being so guarded against eachother.. It's pretty silly when you consider how close we were in our marriage.. and how we don't even have that anymore.
Good night's sleep typically does the trick.. I, unfortunately didn't get one last night.. lots of rollercoaster stuff still going on in the head.. but there's always Christmas to look forward to.. getting close, and it's going to be a GREAT one with DD and DS.
As for your sort of Plan B.. probably best if you still want to react to him angrily.. It's difficult to forgive someone that does not seek it.. not that he probably doesn't want it from you.. but pride is almost as damaging as dishonesty.
Yes, I still want to react to some of the comments that he makes...like the other day in an email he said that to stop telling him what to do that I gave up that right...
I had to think about my reply carefully, I said: I didn't, if you reread the TM I asked, I said PLS...and I never had that right!"
I didn't get any response from him in his next email about it, only replied with the kid stuff...
This is where I get to the point that I wish he would hit his bottom...wanting THAT consequence to happen...I know and see the other consequences occuring...about to occur...he's lose the kids, his home, me, had to give me a load of money, and that will be happening again soon...
But what I pray for is his bottom...more than anything...not really for me...for the kids...
last night, YS was sitting at the table and he took responsible for something that he did and I told him that I was proud of him, that it takes a big man to say that he made a mistake and say that he's sorry...
YS said: "Like Dad who cheated didn't" I said "yea, kind of!"
I didn't know what esle to say, so I left it alone...this is twice in the last week he has said something about his cheating Dad...the last time we were with my Spon. and her H at Celebration in the Oaks in New Orleans and YS simply stated that his dad's a cheater!
I KNEW that OS got it, but now I'm starting to see that YS gets it too...I was a little surprised both times but it didn't kick me in the gut...b/c he stated it so matter of fact...no hurt feelings...no crying, I wish dad was here, nothing like that...
I don't think I know what to think about it still...these kids have adjust extremely well to the sitch and I've gotten plenty of compliments stating that...
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It's difficult to forgive someone that does not seek it.. not that he probably doesn't want it from you.. but pride is almost as damaging as dishonesty.
POWs said once when I was still home that his pride got in the way...i didn't understand this and asked him to explain but I didn't get an answer...he said several times that he was sorry too, but said you're sorry without ending contact was a waste of breathe as far as I'm concerned...
perhaps down the road one day, he'll have the courage...who knows...I know that his dad remains a serial cheater...spend 25 years with POWS' mother...cheated the whole time...mother tried to hide what was going on from the kids...Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh?
As far as you and WW, it will get better, mostly I've been in Plan B b/c of the DV...it's war as far as I'm concerned...first it was a custody war...and now it's a money war...I feel that once things are said and done then I can deal with him MUCH better than I do now...he's trying to protect himself and I'm trying to protect me and the kids...
I truely think that once this stuff is out of the way then we will be better able to communicate with each other...I hope that this is the case with you too...but right now, you are the enemy trying to get the kids in her eyes...
I would like to know what your punishment is for OS so I can keep on the same page. That way it will not change in the middle of things.
Thanks for keeping me in the loop.
So I wrote him back, filled him in on the testing that I had done at the end of last school year to identify OS's problem, rule out learning disabilities...explained about Leap tutoring...what exactly he was doing in school that got him punished in the first place...
Then I forgot to add YS in there, so I wrote a second email about how well he was doing in school!
As long as we keep it to the kids, I'm great! I can't talk to him about ANYTHING else...not right now and besides I think that HE would have to bring it up!
Bet ya know what I'm gonna say, don't you? I am glad to hear that you are OK with the communication about the boys,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but exercise CAUTION dear. Lots of Caution.
You are opening that door and you are doing well with it so far,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but you know what is likely to happen at any second so just be prepared, OK?
I just don't want you taking a nose dive because you didn't prepare yourself.
Yes,, I hope that good, solid, communication on behalf of the boys continues - it would be good for all concerned IF, and as long as it remains only about the boys and IF it remains positive.
My setting out the hazard cones here is all outta love ya know??
I'm trying hard BUGS...I follow you...not like I want that pain and heachache again!
ANd I know that's the thing about codependency...I'm addicted to the Addict! For my own sanity I have to... I HAVE TO be careful...
Yesterday I thought alot about the lies and I think that I have to remind myself OFTEN about ALL the damage that he has caused and has appears to be completely remorselessly!
So far the conversation have strictly been about the kids...and we've talked about one bill...
If I'm not mistaken, there's no need to prove to him who I've become...there's no purpose for it...I'm not the person he "Thought" I was to begin with...the one he accussed of not taking care of him...not cooking for him...I'm certainly NOT that person that he created in his mind under the illusion of his fantasy...
There's no need to prove it b/c I know WHO I AM and that matters...of course, it would be nice for him to acknowledge, but that's only b/c I would love for him to admit that he was wrong...but like James said I think that POWS' pride will be in the way for a long time...
Doesn't matter that he's lost his home, his kids, and his wife...reduced to living in a camper...I don't think that OW is apart of the picture these days but that's neither here nor there...
ANd I guess today I AM in a place that I would allow him back in BUT THERE WOULD BE ALOT OF CONDITIONS: MC, NC, and I don't know what else...like I said neither here nor there b/c he's not in that place...
AH, BUGS, this whole thing sucks...as you all well know...I just have to stay on the path that I am...me with the kids and I's best interest at hand...I -KNOW- (Thanks, James, I like the way you do that!) this...
My head's running the show and has been for some time but I hear my heart's still there in the background talking to me but I can't afford to listen can I? Not on this subject...
Am I alone in this? THe way I'm thinking about the whole sitch...the way I figure it is I can't afford another hole in my heart and I'm protecting myself...there's definitely a wall built but it's only for him...
BUGS, I wouldn't take your hazard cones -ANY- other way...I would have in the past, but not today...I know only b/c you care so much and we've walked a long, difficult road together...I'm grateful...that today I have friends who are willing to look out for me...
BTW, I wouldn't mind if you, MOF, would love your email address...mine is in my Bio...
Mornin Rin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />,
Smile and thank the Lord today, for it's another one you woke up breathin His air, and enjoying His blessings all around you.
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Am I alone in this? THe way I'm thinking about the whole sitch...the way I figure it is I can't afford another hole in my heart and I'm protecting myself...there's definitely a wall built but it's only for him...
You're not alone at all in thinking this way. You said you would have him back but there would be boundaries. You said CONDITIONS.. but you and I both know they are not conditions.. your love for him is unconditional, how could it be otherwise if you still continue to love him after all he has done unremorsefully.. unrepentantly. In truth you have BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are so much easier to accept than 'conditions'... conditions imply 'if you do this I'll do that'... boundaries are something you've established not only to protect yourself.. but to ultimately protect POWS and your marriage to him.. should he choose it. It is a noble, and strong thing you've done to establish those things, and it shows love and care for your family and the things you hold dear.
I'm just now LEARNING this.. took me long enough huh?
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My head's running the show and has been for some time but I hear my heart's still there in the background talking to me but I can't afford to listen can I? Not on this subject...
You aren't alone on this either.. you don't have to dig too far back on Bugsy or SDGuy's thread to see what happens when you stick your head out of the foxhole of your Plan B.. you start getting shot at again.. and sometimes you take a hit.. might be a flesh wound.. might be something serious.. but you take that chance when you stick your head up to see what's going on. That's why Bugsy is concerned enough to set out those warning cones... I think we all share the same concern because having come to know you (at least as much as anyone can in this medium) we've come to care.
I think that's the biggest benefit of this site.. knowing that there's someone out there.. even several someones that wouldn't know you on the street from Adam.. but care enough to pray for you.. want the best for you.. and try their best to help you through your struggles.
Bugs is right.. there's a lot of angels on this board.. maybe that's over the top.. I've also heard it said this way: There's only so many angels in Heaven for God to use for His purposes.. so sometimes He sends regular people.
You aren't alone on this either.. you don't have to dig too far back on Bugsy or SDGuy's thread to see what happens when you stick your head out of the foxhole of your Plan B.. you start getting shot at again.. and sometimes you take a hit.. might be a flesh wound.. might be something serious.. but you take that chance when you stick your head up to see what's going on.
fully agree with James on this as I just had my own experience this past Monday night. I need to update my thread with that.
James...Ah, yes, that's the word that I should have used...BOUNDARIES...
i feel like I'm wishy washy on the subject...sometimes I think yea, I would take him back IF he was in the right place...then other times, i think there's NO WAY, I would allow him back into my life in the same capasity that he once was...my DH...too much water under the bridge...
I -DO- know this...I'll be fine...better than fine...i'm still learning to meet my fears and branch out...my upcoming trip to this Bowl game is showing me that...there's alot of fear in it for me...LOL...still doing it b/c I have alot of excitment about teh whole darn trip and I've always wanted to travel...so through airports...be the business woman...kind of thing...
This D is allowing me to do that in a way and I hope to do more traveling...I think once I get this first trip out of the way...you know doing it on my own...then the future will be easier...plus I may be throwing in a little business while I'm there...still talking about that...trying to -fit- it in...we'll see, if not, oh, well!
Also, I'm such that you guys can relate too...having had the contact that I have had with him, I want more and have to say "No, that's not in your best interest!" So, it's like going through withdrawal -ALL- over again...having to restrain myself from wanting to call or write...
Going through this process, I can -SEE- the WS stuff...at least I have the knowledge to back it up...to -KNOW- where I am and be able to deal with it...not to mention, -THE SUPPORT-!!!!
E...yes, you need to do this...are you reaching out for support when you need it, or are you still being careful on the site? just a little sister, looking out!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Okay...finally got my consent judgement and joint custody papers in...they were filed with the court on Dec. 7th...
And we went to court when? Sept 14th!!!! There's two things that I noticed...one, POWS owes me a whole 51 cents more each month and two that he still hadn't paid me the $150 for a bill that I'm suppose to have after he pays me that...so I guess I need to ask about that...
I was a little surprised that they were mailed, up until now, I've picked up every thing at the office...so it caught me a little off guard...
But everything's there...in black and white...everything that POWS said was going to happen DIDN'T and everything I told him would right after D-day did...9 months to get all of that done! 9 months...the hardest part...
I feel as if I can almost breath a sigh of relief...almost...not sure what's stopping me...
Only property stuff left...no mediation or anything like that here...
Just property...kids are mine...perhaps I haven't given myself permission yet or I need for it to sink in...
Oh, I read over the stuff again and they just dropped the change so CS would be two equal payments a month...
Perhaps the stress of my car is not allowing me to breathe easy...I'm so feed up with it! I really -NEED- a new one and I can't do jack right now! I'm even afriad to find out -what- exactly is wrong with it...I have read that the manufacturer didn't exactly think this one out very well...
Ahh... well, if it's just property stuff.. it's material goods and that can be replaced.
Maybe just let yourself get settled with everything and then take a deep breath.. let it out.. and know that you've won the important stuff.
It's still pretty fresh if you just got the mail today.. give it a little bit and then draw yourself a nice hot bath and let that stress go.. I know if it were me, I'd be ready to melt with relief.
give it a little bit and then draw yourself a nice hot bath and let that stress go
OOOOOOw....that's a WONDERFUL idea...i can turn on the jets...yea, I think I will do that...romance myself since the boys will be with POWS this weekend...
James, I DID win the most important stuff, you are right there! AND I HAVE been replacing since I left b/c he left us the broken stuff...broken lawnmower, broken weedeater...I have to fix my bed (two carriage bolts -SHOULD- do it), broken CD player...you name it...
i've been slowly replacing my tools...still have used my air compressor guys!!! I have used the pressure washer...my mechanic set to replace my battery in my car...and most of the other things I purchased...
james, he didn't even leave a screw or washer!!! That's sad...it was done to hurt me...i'm the (like E calls me) JILL OF ALL TRADES...
i'll get another table saw...all those other things...
it's definitely my car...i can't figure it out...I've changed what i thought it was...still dies when I start it, have to start it again and then it's fine...fuel filter, sensor...
Then there's the power steering, well, that's what I think it is, and that's not good...maybe the gear box...whatever the case it sucks...and being it's Christmas I don't have the money to fix it...the gear box...if that's it, parts alone will run 3 or 4 hundred...
I just have to pray that it keeps running and We will be fine!!
Typically in cars made within the last 10 years or so you can have it do a self diagnostic to determine if anything the 'sensors' can pick up is at issue.
Typically you can turn the key to ON, OFF, ON, OFF, ON and if there's a digital message window somewhere in the car it should display error codes which you can look up online.
Otherwise, lots of auto parts stores now have free diagnostic services that can identify problems.. not sure how helpful that is but it's something I've picked up over the years and used to my advantage. I'm a programmer, not a mechanic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Enjoy yourself.. treat yourself well this weekend.. that's what the weekends w/o the kids are for.. get comfy, close your eyes, and picture yourself in some exotic place for a while.
Well I'll run by the auto parts store...and get them to check it this afternoon since I won't have the boys...I tried the on, off thing...and I had a few lights come up...oil, temp, check engine soon, and battery...
I checked the oil, it's fine...even had a co-worker come out there with me...don't you know -IT-wouldn't died...LOL...always the case...he said she sounded fine too, but she doesn't to me...not when I rev the engine...it's like it's losing power...ituse to rev at a higher RMP then it is not...
like there's some kind of stress on the engine...I can only conclude that it has to do something with the air/fuel mixture...just my thinking anyway...
Well, enough shop talk...i need to get some things done here, but -I WILL- go have them check it out for me...
Alright James...I talked to a mechanic online for 9 bucks...I'd have to got to the dealership and get the test run there becuase there's no check engine light on...they COULD run the test at the auto parts store and come up with a wild card...on the codes that it...
I've done some checking on it...there's a few things that I need to check out from talking with him...I know that you are not a mechanic but I felt I'd tell you about it anyway...
First it the power steering fluid -WHICH- with my car, is not an easy task...second...my other problem COULD be a strict exhaust...thus the drop in power and my thinking that the engine is not running right...
Anyway, I won't go into complete detail but it does remind me that I have to call my dad and thank him for all those times when me nose was buried in whatever he was doing...like the time my Stepmom cracked the block on her car and I helped dad tear the engine apart...
i'll never forget that! LOL Boy the good ole days...course...If I go over, i'm -STILL- right there with ym nose buried in whatever he's doing!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Alright James, for piece of mind...I went to Autozone anyway...ran the test...NO CODES...sucks huh?
But I'm doing some research and I got another idea...I'm going to figure this thing out yet and get something done about it...
OH, FOUND WHERE YOU ADD POWER STEERING FLUID!!! I really don't like the way cars are built today...about forearm's lenght down behind the alternator...WTF????
Anyway...I might treat myself to Starbucks later, since my mom was nice enough to give me a gift card...
As far as getting the papers today, I'm kool with that...it's definitely the stress and anxiety of dealing with this car...I could have a crack in the intake manifold for all I know...
It's just bad timing...
What kind of programmer are you, if you don't mind me asking?
I think I fixed the Power Steering Problem...FLUID!!!No Noise on the test drive, so I'll watch that!
I cut the grass this morning with the intension of putting the trampoline together...of course, you cut grass, tehn you ahve to weedWHACK, then blow everything off...
Then I had to fix the Christmas lights on the house...well, I put them back where they were, I should said I didn't repair the ones that were out, so REDNECK WOMAN IN THE HOUSE>..I promise they will not be up all year...
Then I got the hankering to put some more out...I stopped last time and just said I didn't feel like it, but today I did...
I was exhausted so I took a nap b/f the Christmas party...OH, HN2 smiled and waved from across the street today...I was shocked, but I did wave back and say HI...I can handle a R with her like that...works for me...
So I napped, made my party platter, showered and headed to teh party...it was over at 8:30...I had plans for after, but they fell throw, so I HAD to warm up! 80 degrees today and tonight FREEZING!!! Stopped my Starbucks, hung out at Booksamillion, reading about teh new 08 Shelby!!! AWE!!!not just the GT but the GT500KR...dup of the 68'...SO FINEEEE!!
OMG, what a car!!!
Okay, on to the deep stuff...today HAS been a good day...I was really not looking forward to it but it went fine...I was working on the Christmas lights and thoughts about my Gpa...and was okay...
Then, there was a meeting tonight after teh party, (I got a beautiful gift...that's for a jac. tub, candle light night) and I chose to speak up...I teared up but I did great...I talked about the symbolism with ym M and the final DV day...how he was my religious foundation, and how I felt that if I had to lose both him and my M to find my spirituality that I had gained so much more from it...
So I got to speak up in front of a ROOM FULL of people tonight...
It's not a great sadness that I feel, but a lose...I guess all grieve is not intense...and I think that it's not intense for me because I would tell him from time to time after I graduated college how much he meant to me and how grateful I was for all that he had done...
Then after the stroke, i went to stay with him overnight, drove three hours to be there, so my grandma got some rest that nice...it was hard, seeing him that way...no being able to talk, or drink, or do anything for himself...mind completely intact...in the middle of the night, I was up and he woke up...I was doing a puzzle or something, so I started talking to him about it...finally worked up my nerve without crying to tell him that if he was ready to go that I would be okay with that...THAT was really hard...and once again thanked him for everything...
I felt like I couldn't get my point across to him, of just how much grateful I was to/for him...I felt like I could never repay that debt...he always accepted me...and I had more respect and love for him than anyone in my life...
So, I got to say my goodbyes in a way...the next time I went back was for the funeral about a month later...that was the greatest honor I have ever had...to be able to carry him to his final resting place...I visited him the last time I went but I think I'm overdue for a trip...
So, I have done my grieving for the day...I thank you all for your support...
It's been an extremely long day...I think the best thing for me to do at this moment is get some rest...for tomorrow is a new day and I have a trampoline to put together!!! lol
I'm so glad you got a chance to memorialize your gpa to that group of people. And you got the chance to "send living flowers" to him before he passed-even if you don't think you got your point across. He knew. That's so much better than sending flowers after it's too late to talk.
You carry on his legacy in your faith and strength.
HEY, JT...I've been a little teary eyed this weekend...I read your post and the first thing I thougth was "Living Flowers"...What on earth does she means? LOL....I've actually read it several times since you posted it but I "got it" this time and I teared you...
You are very right!
OT, I was trying to out the boy's trampoline together by myself and I couldn't...So I reluctantly TMed POWS and said "I REALLY hate to ask but I need help putting the boy's trampoline together." He replied but I didn't understand what he was asking, so I called...and he agreed said that he would come by earlier...I explained that one of the conditions of getting it was that the boys had to help me put it together, but it required three qrown size adults to do it...
I'm not sure want time he got here...I was working on my car...cleaning some carbor from the intake areas...we all went right to work and it was getting dark so I asked him if he wanted some coffee and he said please...
YS wanted some hot chocolate so the two of us came in and did our thing while OS and POWS worked outside...
I was guarded, even asked a friend to call me during the time that he was here just to check on me...another friend called and I was feeling okay about being around him...
When the coffee was done, I invited him into the kitchen and I had no plans of him going any further, this to me was my comfort zone...impersonal in a way...the living room would have been a way to get comfortable and I wasn't ready for that...
We warmed up, drank our coffee and went back to work...we all laughed a few times at something that YS or OS did...then of course, at trying to get all of the bands around the trampoline...it's springless...we didn't finish the whole thing...the padding still needs to be done and the enclosure...but it was dark and getting colder...so we came inside for another cup of coffee...
We talked mostly about the kids at first...then POWS said that I was going to be surprised but he cleans up after himself now...I said that was absolutely amazing!!! Somewhere in the conversation he apologized for all the times that he "b1t@hed at me" about money and said I would also be surprised that he actually works off of a budget now...
I said "Now, see I thought it would take you a lot longer to grow up!" He said that he has a lot of time to think now...he talked about his job and admitted that now he sees where I was coming from on how mentally draining my job was/is...
I also had been debating on whether or not to give him that CHristmas card I mentioned, the one that said "Thank you for the time we shared. I'm sorry for any hurt that I caused you. Merry Christmas and Happy New year's!" I gave it to him and he Thanked me...I said that's my Christmas present to you...
WEll, he told the boy's to go take a bath and YS asked if he was leaving, POWS said I'll tell you what I won't leave until after you get out of the tub...
They played around until I went in there to check on them, which from the kitchen I could see what they were doing...POWS didn't move from teh stool the entire time...he did a great job of respecting "my space"...
I actually had to watch myself from interrupting him when he spoke...I have a bad habit of that...we talked a little bit about everything including the new 08' shelby that I was reading about last night...POWS said he was just tlaking to someone the other day about me...it was having to do with me being mechanically inclined...
POWS also admitted that he didn't spend enough time with the boys and me, that when we was off from work there was so many things that "he" wanted to cram in that he didn't allow time for them...then he said "or you for that matter!"
I said now you see the things that I was complaining about!"
I still heard when he spoke the grandiose stuff but I let it slide, chalked it up to how important is it and plain and simply...that's what he needs to be him...
I found myself not holding my tongue speaking up without even thinking about what he would think if I said this or that...I felt comfortable enough to even say that I was co-dependent and that I always thought that my childhood didn't effect me but it did and that was my part...that there was a lot of times that I didn't want to do something but I didn't stand up for myself...he said that I would be fine...
It's like I saw and was hearing respect towards ME from him...
I guess it hurts to admit that to him, or say that out loud and not in writing because I teared up, but looked away from him and took a deep breathe, and gathered my composure...
No it didn't hurt...it was that I was allowing myself to be vulnerable in front of him that was hard...
Anyway, the kids got dressed, hugged their dad and I walked him outside...we talked about him coming back to finish up, but we didn't set a time or date...I did joke with him about growing a few times and he laughed...we actually laughed quite a few times tonight...
Outside the door, POWS went for a hug and TBH I kind of needed one...it didn't have to be from him...and he said that he enjoyed his time and I said that I did too...
During the coversation I did invite him to spend Christmas morning with us...if he didn't have any plans and he said that he didn't...he said that he would enjoy that alot...so I think that he will be here but I'm not sure...
I'm really at a place b/c his words haven't matched his actions for so long, that it's one of those I'll believe it when I see it things...EVERYTHING, from him coming back to help with the trampoline to Christmas morning...
I think that I'm finally in a place where I'm not judging him, just accepting what is or who he is at that moment in time...
I can't say that I feel love for him, or anythign else right now...I just hear him admitting to his mistakes, owning them, apologizing and knwoing that this is the man who blamed, blamed, blamed...ME!! I didn't hear that not one time tonight...
Oh, I did say that the last week that I had been doing alot of reflection on my Gpa and my M...I did tell him that my Gpa was my spiritual foundation, I teared up here too but that wasn't about being vulnerable, that was about me grieving...and that if I have to lose him and my M at teh same time to have a better relationship with God then I had gained so much more...he looked at me, with this sincere look on his face and said That's good!
Come to find out the church that I took my D-care class through he has attended several times...we have been skirting around each other in this town...
OH, something big here...I said at one point, for someone who was always told that I would never me happy, I find myself awfully happy these days...
So there you have it...I'm not stopping the D, MOF, from my POV NOTHING has changed...tonight was good but I'm not ANYWHERE close to thinking about what it would take to Recon...I'm happy that he has had time to think and has figured out the thigns that he has...good for him...
It was just a good day...and POWS was involved in part of that!
WEll, One lesson learned tonight: DON'T DRINK SO MUCH COFFEE IN THE EVENING!
LOL
I'm really looking forward to hearing what you all have to say...
I can't really say whether my DH showed up or not...part of me wants to say that but part of me really wants to say that I was seeing a different person...regardless one thing's clear...after having replayed the events in my mind...there's was definitely respect displayed on his part...and I believe on mine also...
I did hear a lot on honesty there also...he admitted to living at the camper on and off...that was a first, prior he swore up and down he was living there...
I also talked about how I was ready to get teh property settlement over and done with...come to think about it he didn't say to much about that...but did ask what the balances were things...
Well, let me try to go back to sleep...I have my favorite song stuck in my head tonight...Stay by Sugarland which I happen to share with POWS during his visit...I recently downloaded it as my ringtone...after a discussion with Wildhorses about it on SdGuy's thread...
I know that song is probably a trigger for some people being that the OW is singing it, but when I heard it I hear the DW singing it...I hear and refer to it like this: It's my story, how I was weak in the beginning begging him to Stay, not to go to the OW and then I gathered my strength and told him to Stay b/c he couldn't give me what I need...I don't have to live this way, so he might as well Stay!
Just my thinking!
Looking forward to hearing all thoughts...knowing that anything expressed is out of care and concern...
Well my dear, I just don't know what to say. Based on this,,
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It was just a good day...and POWS was involved in part of that!
And add in the rest of your post, then I say Congrats! Sounds all good to me.
As Long As,,, you continue to be cautious. As long as you are doing ok with it all, then you know I'm behind you 100%.
You seem to have no expectations and that you are not setting yourself up for hurt or disappointment. You were able to state your truths and to be honest with yourself and POWS. HE acted decent. So, it's all good.
Oh how I'd love to have that kind of little victory.. so long as he isn't just flapping his lips and is sincere about accepting responsibility for his share.. I'd say it was at least a small victory here.
I'm glad to see you are keeping your expectations low.. let him push at this point. I wouldn't persue him to come 'finish the job' on the trampoline... give him a few days perhaps and if he doesn't initiate it, just finish it yourself if you don't really need him to do it. The strong, independent, moving forward Rin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
If you feel good about it, then chalk this one up to success. No expectations.. you've already got a taste of what a lot of us would love to hear from our WS.
Morning! Bugs, I think you nailed it...there's no expectations on my part and that's why it made/makes it easy...
I have reserved myself to this Divorce...it's just a fact...MOF, I said something to him about being a single mom and having to watch what I spend...it sounded funny to say that to him but I was okay with it...i think that's when he mentioned his budget...
James, I guess I can caulk it up to a little victory, like you said -IF- he's not blowing hot air...I think the thing we had to remember is that when the addict speak at that moment in time, they are sincere...I think alot of people refer to that as the fog lifting, if only for that moment in time...
I think that this was true prior to me leaving also...POWS knew what he needed to do, but wasn't able...thus the addiction...the -need- to do what they think that they need to do...
I think that I can caulk it up more to staying true to myself, speaking...all O&H...no DJ's, AO, or SD...funny I just mentioned wanting to attack him last week but it was so easy not too being around him...I didn't feel that urge...
I was very aware of WOWing myself...I don't know where this is going to go with him and TBH, I don't even want to think about recovery...that's alot of pressure...getting your hopes up...I think if anything we would have to start from scratch and work to be friends first and I'm not even sure that I want that at this point in time...
I have plans after getting off of work to work on the rest of the stuff to finish the trampoline...he's aware of the days that I have time and which I do not...my phone rings just like his...
And like you said James it's his time to work the program...personally I feel that I have done the footwork...I tried to save my M...it's not up to me any longer...and the great part...there's no shame in saying that I did the best I could with the time that I had...
He even admitted not being so short temptered anymore since he moved jobs...he was working 70/80 hours a week with his other position...he talked about it and how much better it is for him...I said that he had a lot of fear before I left with his job and handling responsiblity...he agreed and said that he was getting better before I left...
I even told him that I was p1ssed at him when I first heard that he had got the job stating "Oh, NOW, he decided to move up!" He laughed...
I was talking to a friend last night and they said that it sounded like our interaction was how it was suppose to go...that it seems that I had removed my filter...I didn't really understand that and had to ask for clarity...
But it's true as a child I was always told to think before you speak...so I filtered everything, wondering if what kind of reaction I was going to get and decided if it was bad then I held my tongue...I didn't hold my tongue, his reaction was his reaction, if he had one...his to own, not mine...
And as humans we tend to go to the negative...and as a woman, LOL, we tend to internalize things...
SOOOO, I'm pretty darn proud of my interaction with POWS...kind of funny, this April will mark two years from D-day...like so many other BS, I'm sitting back and waiting and watching to see how things are going to turn out for him...losing your nice comfy life is a hard consequence to take as a result of poor choices...
Rin, I've almost said it before several times, but didn't. After reading about your interaction this weekend, I think I'll say it now. I don't believe that you are DONE with POWS. I read it in your writings about and interactions with him. And that's okay. As long as you have your eyes wide open. You are NOT the same person you were when you left. You have grown in leaps and bounds. POWS has not.
Please do not let POWS words alone deceive you. Judge him by his actions. As for the D, I say stay on track. You've come too far and worked through too much pain to go backwards. If POWS wants to step up to the plate, then let him... slowly... after the D.
PM, you're not the only one who has said that but in all honesty I don't "get it!"
I don't understand what that means, I'm not "DONE" with him...
As far as his words, he's got a long road to pave I got hurt too many times b/c I chose to believe what he said, even when his actions didn't match up...hard lessons to learn...
I really think that I feel indifference towards him right now...
Well, I saw that you would like my input on your sitch from your post on the old Killer Bee's thread (lord knows why woman, you could do better than me!)
so, here goes.
I agree with Princessmeggy, you are not done; there is no indifference in your posts. There is guarded confusion.
Just do your thing, lady, and keep protecting yourself. Get those I's dotted and those T's crossed. Get the property settlement done, and take care of logistics. Let POWS come to you. You made an offer for Christmas, which was VERY gracious of you. You are letting quite a bit of that guard down, so be cautious.
Also, be cautious that you don't confuse your kids, too. They need stability. They do need their daddy, but that's his job, not YOURS. Don't dive in head first, Rin. Dip that toe in, then just dangle your legs in the water for a bit.
If all that comes out of this is a better co-parenting relationship, so be it, but I READ more behind it. You share children with this man, and some good memories, and STILL a M. Keep climbing, don't turn back to old habits and relationships.
You were shown respect because you COMMAND respect, so keep that up. Head UP, shoulders BACK, and keep marching to the beat of YOUR OWN drummer.
I agree with Princessmeggy, you are not done; there is no indifference in your posts. There is guarded confusion.
I don't feel confused...perhaps it's just detachment...I had to look up the definition for indifference...
Guess I'm giving off something I'm not seeing on that one...
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Get the property settlement done, and take care of logistics.
I have no problem with completing this D...mof, I figured out how I want to held asking in the settlement for 529 account for the boys and what I would like to see put into them...next I have to figure retirement...
Can I get some clarification on the I'm not done yet?
B/c in my mind's eye this is developing a co-parenting relationship with him...oh, unless you're talking about there are things that I need to say to him in order to move on with my life...which don't include him in my thinking...
I was very aware of WOWing myself...I don't know where this is going to go with him and TBH, I don't even want to think about recovery...that's alot of pressure...getting your hopes up...I think if anything we would have to start from scratch and work to be friends first and I'm not even sure that I want that at this point in time...
Rin, I thought I'd clarify what I meant since I was the one who said I didn't think you were DONE. Reading your posts lately, added with the quote above, it seems like you do have the thought of recovery on your mind. If you were DONE, there would be NO entertaining even the thought of recovery. You would be ADAMENT about it. You said yourself above that you weren't SURE that's what you want. See the difference?
But Rin, this is your life and if recovery with POWS is what you want eventually there is no shame in that. It's possible for someone to change. Heck, I've seen it IRL. I'm just saying be very careful. You've accomplished so much.
And I forget who said it, but they were right. Your boys are watching and learning too. I think they've seen a mom of strength and character pull herself up in a nearly impossible situation.
We're just looking out for you. We're kind of protective when it comes to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
It's just the timing, I think. It makes many suspicious. The holidays tend to make both the BS and WS long for some of what was. I did catch this in your thread a few posts back
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sometimes I think yea, I would take him back IF he was in the right place...then other times, i think there's NO WAY, I would allow him back into my life in the same capasity that he once was...my DH...too much water under the bridge...
Maybe this is where we are all getting that you are not DONE. If you were, this wouldn't even occur to you, or you would be more sure of yourself.
There's nothing WRONG with still having feelings for your DH. I think people are just pointing this out to you, so that you can be aware and vigilent in NOT letting a WAYWARD back into YOUR life. If it's just the boys that you discuss, that's co-parenting. If it's the two of you (which you did talk about), that's different, MORE. It wasn't necessarily about your M, but about personal stuff that you are going thru, even if it was only bits and pieces, it was more than idle chit chat.
Just pointing that out. This could set you up to witness much more disappointment than you would if you stayed in Plan B.
I dunno, it's a personal choice that we all must make at some point.
Wow...thanks guys...I really appreicate that...you know I've read over my posts and didn't see that...but YOu guys pull it out and I -really- see that...
I'm wishy washy on the subject...some days yes, some days no...
With your history with POWS, and the long and troubled past that was, in most of it, you were treated to alot of disrespect.
In the last two years, since dday, you have walked away from that life.
You have earned your own respect.
And POWS sits in AWE of it.
Your weakness's has always been exploited by him, and with this new position of strengh that you have, he is less likely to ever be able to.
But like the proverbial lock on the barn door, he KNOWS the combination. And, just like when you two FIRST got together, he learned that combo, and he can still dial it up. Which gets you to not being "DONE"
You will be "DONE" when he can no longer dial that combination. As furiously as he tries to, he can NOT unlock you anymore. I call it the indifference bank. There is no Love Bank, only indifference.
You can CHOOSE your level of involvment with him. But always keep in mind, that he wants to dial that combo again in you.
So, a pleasant afternoon at your home, with him seemingly contrite, is just that. A Seemingly pleasant afternoon. Letting him off that stool will be the first step in him thinking that he can dial your combo again.
HE Needs to earn that right to dial your combo again. With a number of additional contrite moments. Treating you with respect in your EVERY interaction. And your seeing a TRUE change in his behaviors and actions. Until then, maybe he's just in it for the CS reduction, etc.
And maybe he just needs to treat you with the respect that you deserve after all these years. And you still don't let him anywhere near the combination. Because its different NOW.
Hey.. there's no stigma attached to not being 'done' Rin.
Most of us here aren't 'done'.. otherwise why would we need to be here seeking advice and support rather than only giving it?
Don't take all this as piling on though.. I think there's just some concern there for our friend Rin sticking her head out of the foxhole <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yeah, I talked about how it felt for me to be elected to the board, being a newbie, and what a wonderful feeling that was...how honored I was...
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And your seeing a TRUE change in his behaviors and actions.
I got that...I -KNOW- how to do that one now...Lord knows how many times I had to repeat that process...and the only thing I have right now, is POWs not goign to his Christmas party...he chose to be with the kids instead...skipping it...I knew that he didn't go before he mentioned it...
I -KNOW- how much lip service I have gotten from him...he's great at mupinulating the sitch to get want he wants...and I'm going to keep that thinking unless I see otherwise...
I know this too, I have worked to hard to go back in the other direction...good things have happen to see despite his efforts and I plan to keep it that way...
I like haivng my own time to do the things that I want to do...I like having time away from the kids...I like being able to paint the darn wall whatever color I want...
i like not having to watch my back and take care of his stuff...clean up the mess that he's created...STEP UP TO THE PLATE!!!!! If he tries I hope that he's done his stretching first b/c that's a might high step...
Look guys, I'm extremely grateful for the warning cones...in the past, I wanted to believe that he changed or was going to follow through with what he said, in essence -I- hurt myself many times over...denial!! it's that what it's called...ah!
I cna't go back to that...to that person that he thought I was when we met in college...
I'm going to continue to go on with my life as if yesterday evening didn't even happen...
SL, you know, I've been notorious for counting my chics before that hack...once I wanted to believe, now I have to be "made" to believe...
it's like lizzie's sitch...she was done...then he came back and she didn't know if she wanted to do the work involved...still in recovery today...but I'm at that point and the only thing that's going to do it for me is to keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, and my head out of the clouds...
LG, you are right, I get to chose the level of interaction that I have with POWS...did I mentioned that he says that he had thought of inviting me several times to certain places...I didn't response to that...let it go...like his Christmas party...I told him that he could have gone, all he had to do was call me and I would have taken the kids!
I just feel that I can't afford to "relax" around him...
Well, the kids and I finished the padding on the trampoline tonight...so that's one more part done and out of the way...
POWS TMed me and said that he would have to take a rain check...I replied K...and let it go...I wasn't expecting him to show up tonight anyway...
OS and I read over the directions on the enclosure...well, looked over them...doesn't appear to be anything that we can't handle...
It won't be done tomorrow night...the kids are going sleep at Spon.'s house...their going to go look at Christmas lights and then Wed. they will be baking cooking and stuff...they are really looking forward to that...
I'm trying to find something to do tomorrow night after our meeting...just to get out...oh, I got it...I made a new friend Sat. night at the christmas party we exchanged numbers and she might want to go get some coffee...Spon. introduced her to me...we have similar backgrounds...I'll try that...
AH, got my MP3 player in today for the airplane trip...this is a new gadget for me...I'm sure that I will enjoy playing with it and learning about it before the trip...
I don't think that I have ever had so many toys of my own...my tools, my CPU, my MP3, all mine...I have friends...there's so much that I wouldn't change about my life now...
When I said that I was wowing myself it was becuase I was speaking up and not thinking about what I was saying...And I practice that every time I go to a meeting...I speak up b/c I'm not afraid that someone is judging me..there's no feeling to wonder if I'm hurting...there's no reacting to deal with...it's freeing...and I spoke to him like I would have in a meeting...unashamed of anything that I was feeling...no worries whatsoever...
THAT is a victory for me...being able to speak freely to -HIM-...perhaps I'm not done...perhaps this is the last step to moving on...overcoming the last of my fears with him...building more confidence in myself...knowing that -I- can handle my own stuff, no matter who it is...
I remember some years ago, that POWS told me that I talked to much so I stopped talking...kept everything inside...today there's no much I don't talk about...
To go from fearing someone so much to being able to sit and have a conversation...to be in his presence and be okay with myself...to know that I can and will stand up for myself should I have too and when the time calls for it...THAT'S great accomplishments to me...
Perhaps there's something that I have to prove to myself...I can remember thinking off the years and having an attitude to the people that had done me wrong, that I was going to become someone/do something with my life to prove to them that no matter what they did to me, they were not going to keep me down...that I would rise above it all...
You will be "DONE" when he can no longer dial that combination. As furiously as he tries to, he can NOT unlock you anymore. I call it the indifference bank. There is no Love Bank, only indifference.
You can CHOOSE your level of involvment with him. But always keep in mind, that he wants to dial that combo again in you.
So, a pleasant afternoon at your home, with him seemingly contrite, is just that. A Seemingly pleasant afternoon. Letting him off that stool will be the first step in him thinking that he can dial your combo again.
HE Needs to earn that right to dial your combo again. With a number of additional contrite moments. Treating you with respect in your EVERY interaction. And your seeing a TRUE change in his behaviors and actions.
Okay, LG...I had to be honest with myself...I would take him back under the right conditions...but NOW it's not the time...I personally don't see that happening...
you know POWs and I would talk about IF something would happen to us...I always said that I wouldn't be with someone else b/c who knew maybe don't the line in 2 or 3 years we would get back together...we talked about this from time to time...
Now, I'm not going to put my life on hold and sit my the phone, holding my breathe, waiting for him to do his thing...
I'm certainly going on wiht my life...
I don't want him dialing that combination right now...-I- can't allow him to do that right now...I don't have time to play games with him...so here's my plan and please tell me what you thing...
-keep my distance-...plain and simply...
You know I tell the kids when it comes up, their dad's not a bad person, he's just made some really bad choices...
I know that I can't concentrate on him...I have to keep doing what I've been doing for me and the boys...
I don't know of a BS who wouldn't want a WS back that was new and improved...stepping up to the plate...my first choice...but I'm not holding my breathe for my first choice...
This is my opportunity to do what I need to do for me, learn about me, fix the cracks in my foundation so it's strong than it was...then I can remodel and rebuilt on the top...Cat 5 hurricane resistant...LOL...
I've been grieving not having my first choice, like so many..but I can't get stuck huh?
Hmm.. now that's interesting, I must have missed the lack of a PBL.
So essentially POWS doesn't have a roadmap home? Have you made your boundaries clear to him at any point? Do you think you have the strength to Plan A him if all this starts to add up again? Do you -want- that.. or are you just admitting that you're open to the possibility?
Either way, LG is right.. ball is in his court.. the difference may be how you play it.
No, he doesn't have a map back and no I haven't made any boundaries clear...
WEll, I was asking for NC before I left...I couldn't get it...it was down to once a month when I left...
Strenght to PLan A...hmm...you mention that and I wasn't trying to PLan A in my mind Sunday night, but I feel that's what I was doing b/c it went so well...
Before I left I didn't whant a D but there was no LSA in our state and this was the route that I had to take...
There was a point in time where taking him back wasn't an option...I didn't see how I could do that...there was/is certain things that I needed for him to change about himself but as far as he was concerned there was nothing wrong with him...
Now, he's admitting things...things he should have done different...things he didn't see at the time...he's moved up at work, he's spending time with the kids, OW(S) are no around, it's just them...he's getting his own meds., making his own appts., taking care fo his finances...
He's doing things that I begged him to do before but he refused...hence the comment I made to him about growing up...
I don't think that Christmas has anything to do with it for ME, but I think I'm opening up to the option...
I'm not the same person I was by -ANY- means and I can't be with the person that he was...-IF- there's been real change...-REAL- change then ok...I guess I am willing to try...
But I can't admit that to him...at least that the way I feel...why, b/c I'm protecting myself...I feel like I have to watch and see what's going on before I jump...just drip my toe in like SL said...
It all Boils down to trust...I don't trust him to be playing with me...so I think that I need to sit still, breathe, and watch from the middle deck to see what's going on...rather than the upper deck...perhaps in the future I can move closer to the 50 yard line...
Too many false recovery...if you can call them that...refused to give me a NC letter...I was controlling, blah, blah, blah...then the wall punching, book burning, tracking me down, breaking things...I felt like the next thing was him hitting me and that scared the [email]cr@p[/email] out of me and I wasn't sticking around for that...
At that time my fear of staying was worse than my fear of leaving...I think that he was running on his emotions at the time...didn't know what to do...
But what we were doing wasn't working either...refused MC...I just don't know if it's possible and I don't want to get my head shot off!
Making sense??? So I need to figure this out...perhaps I need to start a new thread...
That's very comforting...to know that you are around...
I can't settle for the old way...I want a new way...have from the beginning...
Good to hear that things are going well...I sincerely hope that you get a break soon...Merry Christmas and Happy New Year's if I don't get to hear from you again!
As far as having that voice...that's what surprised me soooo much about me this past Sunday with him...
Wanted to get back to you on the changes you are seeing..
These are certainly positive things, and show an increased level of commitment to the children... which is GOOD..
While, I think it's positive.. I'm stil going to put out the warning cones that it may not have anything to do with how he feels about Rin or his marriage. Maybe someday it will.. but you're going to have to be the one to make the determination of whether to open that door.
I'm behind you and supporting you whatever you decide.
I agree with you James and I had thought about that also, so the fact that you mentioned it, reinforces that thinking in my mind...
I have to admit that I was in no place to do a proper Plan A...I didn't understand -WHAT- Plan A was all about, besides I had so much to learn about me...admit my faults, see my plan, learn to not judge...-PROCESS-
I was so screwed up to begin with...I talked R no stop...couldn't let it go...I was trying to force a solution...had expectation of what was going to happen and even had a time line...
I think that this week is the week that I learn about expectation, several thing are coming up and I have LA's comments in my head from SOOO long ago...things I -THOUGHT- I understood then but not really...I -thought- I was doing alot of things that I wasn't...
Here's a prayer that was given to me by a dear IRL friend, I hope that you find use for it in your life:
Dear God, Please help me put aside what I think I know about _______, so that i may have a truely open mind and a new experience.
So, with all of that being said, I have thought about it, I'm setting the bar...here's what my expectations are:
A good co-parenting R with POWS...anything more is langiappe, a little something extra...
My plans, to go on with -MY- life...
My hopes from the start was that he was a better part time dad then he was a full time...he needs to work on his stuff and I still have to work on mine...
i have no intentions of dropping the D, having him move home, -SLEEPING WITH HIM-...these are things I -know- right now...
i'm taking it one day at a time for -ME-...that's the best I can do right now...SO, I think that should I start to get hit then I will stick my head back in the hole...
if I have learned -anything- it's about jumping off of cliffs...not looking at what's in the valley...
i appreciate the support... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I was so screwed up to begin with...I talked R no stop...couldn't let it go...I was trying to force a solution...had expectation of what was going to happen and even had a time line...
I think you need to go way back and read your posts.
There was a dance that you were part of but you did not screw up to begin with.
NO one ever lets it go they work through the problem to a recovery. If I remember correctly POWS not only wanted you to let it go he wanted you to let him continue. I could be wrong but I think that is how I remember it.
YOu were not perfect you didn't do everything right but you didn't do everything wrong!!!! You did the best you could with the tools you had.
Just wanted to point that out to you.
If I were you, and I am not, I would not consider anything unless he went through some anger managment classes and went to MC and the boundaries were discussed and agreed on. In writing, most likely a pre nup with some serious teeth.
There was a dance that you were part of but you did not screw up to begin with.
*I* was screwed up...not I screwed up everything...I can admit that I was pretty messed up, this is not kicking myself this is being honest...
I just admitted that I was co-dependent...that my childhood has effected me greatly...you know I -thought- I was fine...
I'm not kicking myself...I honestly wouldn't go back and change anything...
And I did do the best that I could with what I have, you are right about that...today, I can do better than what I did in the past b/c I have better tools today...so thanks for pointing that out...my toolbox is filling up...I may have to go out and get a chest of drawers afterwhile! LOL
My life depended on him b/f...what I did, where I went, what I said...constantly looking for his approval...just like I did with my parents...where -I- did something depended on them...that doesn't happen anymore...they may like it and they may not...i can't make everyone happy...
I think that I took SOOO much personally...like it was wrote in stone...you know, it was my truth...today, OP can have there own opinion and I'm not making it my truth...
If I hear that I talk to much, for example, well, I know that it's their attention span or they can't handle the conversation at that moment...or whatever...it's not that I talk to much...it's something else, not about me...
I don't have to -let- Op's words cut me like I use to...even posting here...i took alot to heart when I shouldn't have...
I was an extremely judgmental person...then, I got new R's in my life and I didn't judge them from the beginning...I figured out the only person i couldn't stop judging was POWS...why b/c I wasn't ready...I still wanted to blame him instead of accepting my part and just looking at that and that alone...
I wanted to point the finger...point, point, point...but I had three other's pointing at me...
BTw, I did reread some posts...and I will reread some more...easier at home...I have most of my threads printed...it helped with documention...
I like the ideas that you have about anger management...should it come down to it, MC...but I have a differetn reason today for MC then I did back them...b/f I wanted the C to point out what -HE- was doing wrong...today, I would need a C to point out what I am doing wrong...
I like the ideas that you have about anger management...should it come down to it, MC...but I have a differetn reason today for MC then I did back them...b/f I wanted the C to point out what -HE- was doing wrong...today, I would need a C to point out what I am doing wrong...
How about an MC who would point out for you both how to do it right?
It's just once upon a time all of my fosuc would have been on him and not me...
IN my thinking in the past...POWS was the problem...plain and simply...I couldn't own what i didn't know at the time...I know that I was doing things wrong and wanted solutions but I felt that nothing was working for me...
Feeling trapped...classic co-dependent...now that I have really grown...I can own my part of the problem without shame...without kicking myself...even without fear of repeating those mistakes...
Awareness!! That's the key to the future...honesty is the key to the past!
RIn, I don't post too much as I am certainly not a success story, but
I have followed your sitch for over a year and
Your posts now make me so happy.
What you have is what I wish for. You sound so happy and you really put forth the effort to learn about YOURSELF and how to make your life better. When I read about all your adventures into home/car repair, I cheer you on! When I read about how you take care of yourself and your boys, I rejoice! I wish I were as strong as you. My sitch isn't like yours in that I was the FWW (I used to post ages ago as M r s Ro b), but I feel soooo controlled by BH that I dont' know what to do. I read about how happy you are with YOURSELF, and I want that for me. I'd prefer it to be with BH, but don't know if that's possible given how he feels. I read about what your WH did (ASF, for example) and see my M in that, see my capitualtion becasue that's what he wants and what I want somehow doesn't matter.
Anyways, to get back on track, I think you're great and I follow your thread religiously.
Let me see, do you feel that your needs are not met? That even when you do ask you feel that you haven't been heard?
Do you feel that he tries to punish you for your past mistakes? That he is completely selfish, and grandois in his thinking about himself?
Do you not speak up for fear of what he might say or do? Do you work and if so, do you come straight home? one: so he -knows- where you are... Two: so that you can 'take care' of him...
Do you avoid going places? how many "friends" do you have?
Are you constantly trying to prove to him who YOU are?
There are always options, HTH...I didn't think there were...the best things I did, was come here and start going to Al-anon...that's what has worked for ME!
I hope that you will continue to post and fine comfort here...these days I don't feel that I have to post ALL the time...LOL..I can actually go for a few days and be okay...
Rin, you just described my whole relationship. Especially after my EA, it's all about the punishment for him. He has made it clear that instead of going out with friends (which I RARELY ever did, it was with only girls and to things like garage sales and after Christmas early morning shopping) I should be avaliable for SF. I make sure he knows exactly where I am. Now I am completely transparent to him- although he says I am still not trustworthy. We are almost 2 years (in march) from D-Day.
I am now pregnant, and things are a ****smidge**** better. We'll see.
Anyways, not to threadjack. For some reason, though I can reply to people I can't start my own thread. I emailed tech support but no reply.....
Good Morning! I have to say that it's been an awesome one...
LOL
I just wanted to mention that this has been the best Christmas I have had in a LONGGGGG time! I may not have POWS in my life, and I'm okay with that, but I have gained wonderful friends and a TON of PEACE in my life...
Still grieve the lost of my *SHOES* from time to time, LMAO...but I'm great! I honestly -KNOW- what joy is these days!
POWS contacted me, via email, yesterday asking my opinion on something for OS for Christmas! HE WAS SHOPPING!! ANOTHER AMAZING THING!!
I happy for him...it appears that he is a better part time dad then he was a full time dad and that's the best that I can ask for right now...
I've been really comfortable in my mind with where we are today...
I would be extremely happy with him being the best father that he can be and since court he has stepped up to the plate...don't get me wrong...I was thinking about the conversation that we had the other day and there was one part that I -KNOW- was a lie but I can't PROVE it...and it's just not worth it...
basically, I heard him trying to telling me that he had papers drawn up for a MOTORCYCLE that I was in love with at the HD shop...I simply stated that we couldn't have afforded it...he said that he JUST had them tore up not to long ago...AND I said that I was STILL waiting to see what happened with mine!
I left it at that...that will all be resolved in the D...
I certainly don't know what he was trying to do...
That's the reason I perfectly comfortable with where I am today...there needs to be soooo much more growth on his part for me to go any further...
So do I love my life? YESSS, I DO!!! That's what matters...
Wonderful idea...it crossed my mind...good time to do it...
And THat IS THE imagine I have exactly in mind...b/c that's where I picked up at...in college...second year...we were living in the dorm our first year...just friends at teh time...we started dating in Sept. and moved into our trailed in Dec...from that point, I handled the money and bills...
dad of great sons: DOGS?
The entertainer: TE?
Or ET?
HMMMM.. harder than I thought...will go to STBX for the time being!
Just stopping in to do a drive-by "hello" and to tell you that I think you are doing great. I am amazed at your strength and resilience.
My H and I are still recovering, counseling, and getting better every day. His relationship with the boys - especially YS - has healed quite a bit. In fact, YS told him ILY the other night for the first time in a long time.
Have had some issues with FOW - unwanted contact - but are working on resolving those legally. Will post more when things are resolved. But we are working on this together and I think its great that she is showing what a lunatic psycho she is. Makes DH say WTF was I thinking?!!!
Hi, it's been an interesting day...it started with these emails this morning, then I had a lunchon to attend, and when I got back to work we found out that another co-worker's spouse has cancer...both were caught in the beginning stages and the outcome looks good...
I was feeling a little drained from the emails before lunch, and now I'm trying to get rid of a headache...
Outside of that, I'll doing well...I think that i did a great job of setting my boundaries...STBX depending on the option that he chooses will be sleeping on the sofa or in OS's bedroom...NOT WITH ME!!! I wanted to make that perfectly clear!
Okay, bombs away...this is just excepts from them...what I felt was important...
ME:
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I found this tonight and I was wondering if you would be so kind as to forward it on...I don't have BF's email address and I just wanted to thank him for the free advertising...
I was working on some of my internet stuff for work and ran across it! I'm sorry that I keep contacting you...if it bothers you or interferes with your new life I will be more than happy to stop...all you have to do is ask..
OT: Feel free to let me know when you would like to cash in that rain check...and do you have intentions of spending the night here or coming in the morning for Christmas? I'm not going to mention anything to the boys until the day comes.....
STBX:
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I will soon I kinda miss my boys. What makes you think that you are bothering me you know I will I let you know if you were and as for now your not. So don’t worry about that. Please don’t listen to what other people say I’ve always told you when something is bothering me. We only had a communication break down over the last few years. Anyway that’s neither here nor there. Give the boys big hug and kisses for me.
ME:
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I didn't think that I was bothering you but I was trying to be considerate of your feelings...personally, contact with you in the past has been extremely difficult...not so bad today...I had to do alot of work to get to the point that I had to be able to have a coparenting relationship with you...one in which I could be respectful of you.....another reason I asked about contact...
As far as listening to OP, they opinion doesn't matter to me, today, but opinion is the one that counts...I have to do what's right for me...I can listen, and chose to hear what I want/need...Big difference from the past...I took alot personally and shouldn't have, but I know better today!
STBX: (trampoline)
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I will make some time for the weekend if you like to finish the project. I have a few things going on but I can always make time for the kids. I’m glad we have both made the progress that we have to be honest I wish it never would have gone the way it did in the 1st place but hey that’s life. Just as I told you from day one anything you need and if I can help I am more than willing. I just don’t want the kids growing up thinking we hate each other. I want them to know that no matter what both you and I love them and they are the world to us.
ME:
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This situation wasn't my first choice and still isn't BUT I will follow through...the future is filled with possibilites...opportunity...
I can't point out to you what I see...it has only given me a negative POV from your eyes...you'll have to figure that stuff out for yourself...just as I have figured out my mistakes, using your past comments as a base for my reflection...from my POV, there was a lot MORE than a lack of communication...but that was a major problem...I thought that a marriage counselor would have helped greatly...I was living in denial about alot of things...hard to accept when you face the truth, but I did the best that I could with the tools that I had at the time...today I have better tools and a better understand...
I don't have time for blame, it's pointless...as far as I'm concerned you are a new person to me...I'm starting from scratch with you...I can't change the past, but I can make a difference in the future...each day that I wake up...
Now, if you don't mind, unless these something else that you feel that you NEED to say, I just as well leave that alone for the time being... we're off to a good start with this new relationship and I would hate to spoil it...it's difficult enough...
Hi Guys! WEll, STBX didn't response back to the email...he did call...
LOL...asking about his registration...remember a few months back I mentioned that it had been expired since June...He wanted me to look around the house to see if I saw it...
I told him that I promised that it wasn't here and that I had gone through everything in the house...Said he would have to go to the DMV...
Outside of that, he said that he would be by tomorrow to pick up his mail and stuff...I said that was fine...
So it appears that he respected my boundary of dropping the subject...
I was really tired today...and I was by myself at work this afternoon, I ended up putting my head on my desk and fell asleep for a few minutes...decided not to cook tonight and ordered pizza...watch part of a movie and went to sleep...
The boys have been in the back playing and laughing...I cleaned up a little but for the most part have been laying on the sofa...I'm still tired and need to get the kids in bed...but I don't feel drained like I did...just a little tired...So sleep it is...
Thank God I have you guys watching out for me too...
STBX Tmed and asked me to ask the boys if he could come tomorrow...
I told him that I would just tell them that something came up, when he showed is when he showed...
he TMed back: ME throwing up...
I just replied: not good, take care of ur...
Who knows if it's true or not...that remains to be seen...
I'm okay with it...i was napping when he TMed...just like to day, I'm not going to wait on it...the boys and I went to the other side of town...I got my haircut, we went to the pet store, and a little grocery shopping...
They asked about going to the bookstore when we were in town, so we may do that tonight! Tomorrow, I think that we'll go to 11 o'clock mass instead of 6...get it out of the way...
mErry Christmas to you to Sis...hope you and the boys are doing well also...
OS and I just finished up in the kitchen...meat and chesse tray...two pies, and two different dips...YS just woke up from his nap...They are going to go play outside...think I'll lay down and watch some TV...
STBX TMed this morning, said he just woke up and he would call later! I have a I'll believe it when I see it attitude as far as he's concern...if it happen's it happen...
I have to go to Lowe's later...we had some bad weather come through and that BRAND new fence I had put up across the driveway, well, one of the gates flew back and come off the hinges, so I have to fix that...we have been having an interesting time keeping the dog from catching people walking by...LOL
I have a solution so that this will not happen again...
Funny that you asked that! He called and came by...didn't stay long still sick...said he wanted to be a man of his word and he said that he was going to make time to come visit with them...
After he left, we went back to town and hung out for a while...picked up some things that we needed around trhe house...
STBX is still not sure if he's going to send the night or come in the morning...OS cleaned his room for STBX to sleep in if he comes...
There was something that came up during his time here...something was said and I said that I was waiting on him to finish his thing...he asked what thing and I didn't answer...
Then he asked me if J told me he saw him the other day...I said no...he said that he was surprised...I said that I asked J not to tell me about STBX b/c I would hear things like "his friend" driving his truck and stuff and it hurt to much to hear...
Oh the look that came across his face...like shame, sadness or something, he looked down and away...That's not the first time I've seen that look from him...
Guess he thought I was stupid that I didn't know what he was up too...
I need LG's insight on this...
Didn't feel drained or anything...while we were in town I felt a tug at my heart...I still love him...I can't deny that but I'm not going to sit around and hope that he comes to his senses, grows up, and done what he needs to do...
I'm expecting just what I'm getting from him...and then I have to think...do I REALLY want him back...It's rather confusing to say the least...no, I do want him back,but not in the same capacity that he was before and that's the only way I will accept him back...That much I know...
Then I wonder about myself...do I have what it takes to recover...Can I trust again? Can I feel safe again? Can I keep speaking up?
I don't know if I have what if takes to do it, should that happen...
I do know this my head is in SUCH a better place than it was...pre-D...
I'm really happy about that...I have learned that I will not accept anything less than a full commitment to recovery...
Oh, it didn't really seem like STBX wanted to leave...I don't know...
But I'm doing great...I got over the heart strings being pulled pretty fast...I really have to think back and remember why I left...and not rewrite it...
Well I've been up watching Christmas shows...not something that I do normally...
I guess it's normal to still get angry with the WS at this point...still grieving...I got SOOO angry at him for making the choices that he's made...
The main thought that came to my mind that I wanted to yell at him was: I want to be appreciated as much as you want to be appreciated!
He told me that I looked cute tonight...he said that he had been trying to get me to dress like that for a long time...
I said I know...what I didn't say was that it really was a self-esteem issue...today I want to dress nice...I feel good about dressing nice...he asked about my hair being short too: Why do you like it so short? I said because I think that it looks professional and it's easier to keep up with....I like it!
He liked my hair long, so I didn't cut it, except to trim it from time to time...not that I didn't want to cut it and sometimes did...never shorter than shoulder length...I knew he didn't like it, but I did it anyway!
On the dressing part, I think that I was just being hard headed, it was something that I had to do on my own and I felt like I was being pushed!I wasn't a high heel shoe person and now I love my heels...before it was tennis shoes most every day...jeans and a shirt...today, I'm more likely to dress nicer...I always gave the excuse it was because of work but I still do the same things at work now and I dress better...
I think that I did a lot of damage to myself...projecting...being pretty stubborn...I felt pressed so i was the donkey refusing to move forward because someone else wanted me too...it just wasn't something that I was comfort with at the time and I'm comfortable with it now...in touch with my girly side now...
I've gotten so many compliments now, not just the way I dress but I smile so much more...I hear that all the time and I still find that when someone says that I have a beautiful smile that I still lower my head when I say thank you!
Well, I'm headed to bed...I've hit infomercials on TV...it's time and tomorrow will be a long day! Mery Christmas ALL! I need some direction...someone who's been where I am now...I feel kind of alone in this...Thanks!
Ok, let's see if I can point out a couple of things here,,,
STBX said,
Quote
said he wanted to be a man of his word and he said that he was going to make time to come visit with them...
Ok, GREAT! You are giving him that small opening to PROVE this to be true. It's up to HIM to PROVE it through his ACTIONS. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING else is going to be enough, is it? NOPE, not for the new improved Rin and her boys!!
You "could" have jumped all over that statement with a bunch of LB's and things you've thought of saying to POWS about that. Instead, you are giving him a 'chance'.
GREAT Job!
Then,
Quote
I asked J not to tell me about STBX b/c I would hear things like "his friend" driving his truck and stuff and it hurt to much to hear...
PERFECT! You stated a truth, plain and simple. You just put it out there as a FACT and you let it sit with HIM
And then,,,
Quote
Oh the look that came across his face...like shame, sadness or something, he looked down and away...That's not the first time I've seen that look from him...
Excellent! Maybe,,just maybe,,,he's willing to start taking responsibility for his actions.
Quote
Guess he thought I was stupid that I didn't know what he was up too...
We BOTH know that he knows you are not stupid (although it sure has felt like that, hasn't it?). You now know that it wasn't about YOU, but it was about him just doing as HE pleased in the addiction and fog of the A.
It is just recently that he seems willing to acknowledge the repercussions to you and the boys. Again, good job in letting him own that in his own way.
And
Quote
I have learned that I will not accept anything less than a full commitment to recovery...
Wonderful remiinder to yourself to not get totally wrapped up in a few positive signs from STBX!! You know your limit. You know what you will or will not accept. Keep sticking to it!!
Quote
I guess it's normal to still get angry with the WS at this point...still grieving...I got SOOO angry at him for making the choices that he's made...
Normal? Heck YES it's normal! Think back, read back to some of Silent's posts if you have any doubts. Part of the process, my dear.
On the dressing thing - not to sound too snooty or self promoting, I've always dressed well. It must be in my genes (Grandma raised 3 kids alone as a seamstress & gave me her sense of 'style' from a very young age). It's one of the things that attracted Drac in the first place.
Problem for me was that I started dressing a bit too old & frumpy. The more Drac pushed or 'expected' in that regard, the more I resented it. WHY? Because I wanted/NEEDED some other ENs met that weren't being met and unconsciously, I was rejected HIS ENs by not living up to MY part of being an ATTRACTIVE spouse in every way to the BEST of my ability. Easy to see NOW,,,,,,
PLUS - - going into Goddess Mode theu this last year,,,we can see and FEEL how good it is for US and then the additional benefit of it being good for them and the R.
Ah Rin,,,,while I worry and am cautious minded for you, I think you are doing VERY VERY well.
You are traveling a potentially treacherous path right now, but your car is well equipped for the road conditions as you are armed with MB, armed with the NEW knowledge & strength you have found here & through all of your self learning. You have an emergency kit in the trunk, great tires on those wheels, a good road map to guide you BOTH into an area for potential recovery, and you have that extra powerful satellite phone to call for help when you need it.
Take it slow and I think you have a great chance to arrive at recovery someday.
AND
You also have the Goddess powers to see if that road to recovery is NOT the right one,,, you can take that detour road to a FANTASTIC future, too!!
Merry Christmas my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Wow.. so good to see you doing so well this Christmas. I'm very glad to see STBX starting to make some strides of his own, and I'm ecstatic to see you not biting into it all at once, and sticking to your now very high standards.. not just for STBX but I'm sure those standards would extend to anyone.
Rin deserves nothing less than the best. Same for the little ones too.
Have a very Merry Christmas, may God smile and rest his blessings upon you and your family.
james, yes, that would extend to anyone...I understand that what I need...what I want is not accomplished in a day or month...heck, not even in six months...
And the Good Lord Has blessed me over and over again...with what I have and EVEN with what I don't...I am blessed all around...never occurred to me to thank GOd for what I don't have but I thought about it today and I have and will continue to thank him...
SL- Oh my dear heart...yes, what a year can do...we've had an interesting road...not good or bad...but certainly interesting huh?
Still- My dear friend...Merry Christmas to you too!
THis has been the best Christmas I have had in the longest time! I'm filled with joy and happiness...I hope that you can find that in yourself also!
Hello, ALL! It's been a great day! STBX was here at 8 this morning! Stuck around until about 12...
No big deal...he did try coming on to me while he was here...something was said and I said you have a GF...his reply was "Yeah, and I also have a W!"
I said "only for the next three months, actually 88 days!"
He said that was cold and laughed...he also tried giving me a peck on the mouth before he left...I turned me face and let him kiss my cheek...
So, LOL...I don't know if he thought I was going to allow him to have his cake and eat it too or what...but that wasn't going to fly with this woman...
I thought here he is thinking that I would just allow him to I don't know sleep with me or whatever he thought he was going to get AND HE HAS A GF...No, thanks, I'm not about to be the OW...
It didn't bother me at all...I wrote it off...I'm standing my ground! Sticking to my guns...
So, HOMIE's got A LONG WAY TO GO...
Outside of that, I went down to my family's for lunch...HN2's stepson was over and it was the only day that the boys would get to play with him, so they stayed there and played until this afternoon...
After they came home, we were visit a friend, and then by Spon.'s house! We're settled in for the night...I have A TON of food that I was send home with...LOL...I won't need to cook for awhile...and I talked to my mom and she will be headed this way tomorrow...SD will probably not come...and I'll be off so I can tag along with her.
I'm looking forward to it and I actually hope that it's just her! So, any thought on the day...the wonderful "dumbtisity" my STBX? LOL...That was so funny! I think I had the perfect comeback for his statement!
Definitely old stuff still there...like when he told me that he liked having his W and GF at the same time! Shame!
Ok,,,,,I have to say that I rather agree with MEDC on WH's nasty comments.
FABULOUS comeback on your part,,,,but my stomach flipped when reading the entire exchange.
You KNOW that you ARE allowing him to cake eat, right? The huge opening you have given him is allowing him to do that. There need not be kissing, touching, etc for it to be cake eating.
He is reaping benefits from being around you, interacting with you at ALL, let alone the bantering, joking, inclusion with the boys, and then the minor physical contact.
Tell me, what do you REALLY think about this comment
Quote
like when he told me that he liked having his W and GF at the same time! Shame!
For now, I'm going to let this sit and wait for you to tell me after considering everything that happened,,,I would like you to replay it all and really think about it. THEN, tell me what you think.
I have been thinking about it all day...and I agree with the two of you...
I have just been figuring out how I'm going to handle it that's all...state some clear boundaries, etc...
Still same old same old...it reminded me of guys coming on to me and me telling them that I had a H and them saying what does he have to do with me...completely disrespectful...
So, I just need to go back to where I was or state some clearer boundaries...I don't know what but something need to be done...
I personally think that he was disrespectful not only to me, but to the remaining part of the M, and also to GF...
I don't even think he realized what he did, but I will speak up!
I feel better now! You had me more than a little worried.
I'm still going to ask for you to update after a day of thinking about it more.
You are right in that it is just as bad,,,,well actually it is WORSE than those guys coming on to you like that. This man IS still your H.
I "Almost" went on a Dennis Miller like rant there,,but stopped myself. I had a whole lot of stuff on the tips of my fingers,,,,,,but I promised myself to give you first chance to comment and I will stick to that. I recognize I am in a 'ranting' type mood tonight.
So, I will stop here and say I anxiously await hearing how you intend to 'speak up' about it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I TMed him to find out what time the he was picking up the kids...
He said after lunch, then came back and said that he wasn't in a hurry...
So, I replied with: I just wanted to have them prepared, after ur parting comment @ ur W and GF, I'd rather not be SO friendly with u! That was like a guy asking me what my H had to do with him? Disrespectful to all parties.
He replied:Not what I ment at all. Sorry it was taken that way.
Me: Perhaps more time is needed, let's stick to the kids...
STBX: OK, just so you know I have enjoyed getting to know you all over again
(bad move on my part): It was nice, I understand u have 2gf's! Enjoy them!
STBX: Rin, one step at a time is all I ask...
STBX: I do not have two gfs
ME: ok, call me about the camper thing when you get back...
Why are you engaging him in these conversations? I think I am confused as to your motivations at this point. If you guys keep on discussing this stuff...eventually you are going to wind up letting your guard down too far.
dipping my toe in the water...I KNOW he wants to be back, but he's just as scared as I am...I see him trying...but it's going to take a hold lot of time...and work...
BUGS, I firmly believe that he is sincere...and that's me knowing him...he's not pushing anything...
Remember there no plan B letter...no clear path...I even have a better understand why he was losing his temper at teh end, b/c that wasn't him in all the time that I've known him...only once did he ever get violent and that was to protect me and OS, when he was an infant...we were in Houston visiting and something happened...he punched the guy and knocked him down, blood fell and STBX lost it...he had no more trouble after that...OS was a little over a year at the time...
Once in fourteen years, until things got bad at teh end...Mimi has mentioned things like what happened to us, happening to her and her H...
I got a few more TMs...one of which was : One day at a time and the other said that he understood, I'm still apart of his heart no matter how he tries to hide it and that this morning was wonderful and he missed those morning...
I think it was YOU the other day that mentioned having to be CAREFUL about re-writing history, wasn't it?
Just another reminder for you to stop and do a check for yourself.
It 'sounds' like there's a lot of potential on the part of STBX. But, remember, it's ACTIONS. What ACTIONS,,,,,,other than taking advantage of the open door you have provided is he taking?
That is the key in the coming days.
And, what are your plans for laying out the CONDITIONS for moving forward from here? If you wait too long before laying them out there for him, you are only inviting heartache, I fear.
Rinder...has he returned your tools? Has he given back anything else that he has stolen from you? Please keep your eyes wide open.
Rindy..what do you want? Do you really want him back? Really? Or is it the holidays driving this bus? I got the impression based on a few emails that you are ready to move on. if that's not the case, I would respect your decision...but I guess I am a bit confused.
So, what do you want?
The reality as far as I can see it is ...you have a man that isn't taking any steps....who TODAY showed himself to be of little character and show even less concern for your feelings.
I know this is hard...I know you are doing your best...but NOW is the time for clear thinking and decisive actions. Look at what it took you to get back to the position you are now in. Don't let a little inappropriate attention from your STBX start muddying up the water.
MEdC...no he hasn't returned the tools...I haven't spoken to HIM about it...and the laywers have been really slow about this stuff...I don't think it's been address TBH...b/c of the paperwork JUST being filed on the 8th of this month...so they haven't touched property stuff...
I want him back but no in the same capacity...I've made that clear...I can't do anything about his stuff...I'm following through with the D...and I can't sit back and not go on with my life...the next 88 days is not enough time to DO what he needs to do...heck...it's taken me almost two years to get to where I am...major changes being away from him...
If I had IC I might have gotten here faster...it's knowing that the A was a symptom of other problems...hmmm....with me...acting out from the sexual abuse a s a child...the codependency...no boundaries...no self esteem...being a people pleaser...conflict avoidance on my part...
STBX has done TONS of damage...but I have too...
I recently learned that because of MY history I had a tendency to blow things out of proportion...result of alcoholism and the abuse...
I have alot of journals from the past twenty years, well, more...I need to read through them...see what was and what's not...I know one thing everyone was surprised and never thought that STBX would have cheated on me...they said that he spoke so highly of me and how much he loved me....and we're not talking just two or three people...we're talking baker's dozen...
I need to think...I'm not in a rush...and I'm trying HARD to live in reality...
I need to write a letter...but I have to think about it...
There are things that I see that he's doing outside of this...
STBX has not once had the kids around OW here...this I know...
STBX, and this may not seem like a big thing but it is, did not go to his Christmas party, he put the kids before himself...BIG WOW...and everyone that I have mentioned that to here is like WOW!!!
Following through...like the recent visit Sunday night I wasn't excepting...he has been on time with CS since court back in Sept...Come to think about it...that's when i can go back to and say that's he been constant...that was a huge reality hit for him and I knew it would be...
I need to write...I see negatives and positives...for me...I remember the bad and the good...not ALL was bad but not ALL was good...
I don't think that it's time to go back to my cave right now...I love the principles of MB, but MB was not working for me in the beginning...and I'm not looking to Recon. in the next year...TBH...I'm not looking for IMMEDIATE STUFF HERE...There's alot of past issues, with the whole open M and stuff...my childhood issues...his childhood issues...but I do see a chance...I've been growing...he JUST started...just started thinking and realizing some things...
I have to allow him time to grow...Plenty of room b/c I enabled for so long...being codependent myself, I still have a long ways to go...still learning boundaries...I didn't stick to what I said in the past...I have to be consistent...show that I have gained respect for myself...reteach how I want to be teached...to me that involves interaction...how else does one learn?
Okay...I haven't been in crisis mode in a really long time...but I was tonight...it was having to do with my thinking about the damage that I did in the marriage...
I never really owning my part of it all...I mean I knew I did this but it really hit me all at once...like everything came together and I felt SOOOO bad...I mean truely, TRUELT remorseful and it was midnight!
I just laid down in bed and I started crying and realized that I was emotional...I wanted to call STBX SOOOO bad and alopoize for all of the thigns that I did...then thought that was not the greatest idea but I needed to tlak to someone...so I ran through my list and called Spon...I just got off the phone with her...
I'm calm again and she affirmed that I do have a good head on my shoulders...she has seen a change in STBX...as well as me, huge changes there and she seems to think that the changes that I have made are affecting STBX...
We talked about me protecting myself...sticking to the boundaries...even the ones that I made tonight...making sure that I keep that line drawn in the sand...
I had notice extreme changes in the kids of late...even the dog is calmer...all of which are more well behaved...
we talked about staying on the course that I'm on...no letter...no path back...remaining the lighthouse...distancing...sticking to the kids...she said that the conversations that i have had with STBX (almost called him POWS)...have been good...O&H statement, not giving to much info...
She said that she thought that the invite for STBX to spend the night was a bit much on my part, because I am so giving...I said I was happy that he didn't accept and she said that she told that STBX recogized that and feelings that he has had alot of awareness in his life also and that the turning point was our court date...that losing in court was a blow to his reality...
She thinks that he will have another blow come this property settlement...I mentioned what I was thinking about the kids college fund that I would like to set up and retirement for me with the settlement...
There was alot of validation on the things that I am doing...saying...we walked through the memories of last year and how STBX wasn't standing up and doing the things that he needed too...with me, the M, and the kids...
Also, how tonight was like an epiphany for me and another level of maturity/growth on my part...and that she felt that STBX was going to have some epiphanies of his own in addition to what he has already...like I've been saying he's got a long road ahead of him but he's on the right course...
SHe reminded me about opening up to much...and that she's concerned about that...also related it to something I could understand, so I have that straight in my head...
So here's my plan...do nothing...like I said earlier tonight we're sticking to the kids...
SPon. also said that she didn't think he realized what he said was disrespectful at all...not with his background that it would take some work on his part to change that thinking...God, I know how hard that is...
The best thing about him that we see is the changes he has made in regards to the kids...he has really stepped up to the plate in that area...it's not all a me, me sitch for him anymore...just have to pray that doesn't change...
So, I have to sit with myself for awhile...the time that the kids are gone and process what I've learned about myself tonight...ask myself for forgiveness because at the time I didn't know better...SPon. said same is true of STBX...that he didn't know better...I'm also to write, but I do that here...so that's not a problem...
All in all I got my 2X4, not that I really thought of them that way, and I got my validation...that I'm on the right track for me...
We're going to met for coffee tomorrow night, I have a meeting to chair before my trip at the new meeting place that we worked so hard to open...so we're going to that also...
Well, I need to head to bed...LOL...I think that's the shortest time I have been in crisis mode...but today I know what to do and I took care of myself...
Thank YOU ALL FOR SUPPORTING me and putting out the caution cones...your concern and care...I am grateful always...
The Holidays are ripe for such crisis'.. I'm glad to see you found someone good to talk to, and are sticking to your guns. Now that STBX is making moves, is time to shore up those boundaries and make sure they're firm.. there are some things Rin just should not compromise.. I'm glad to see you're in a good space.
WEll, I'm in a good place...mom's coming in tonight...boy's just left with STBX...
He did have something for me...he had to dig in his bag for it out in the rain...he returned one of my opal earring that my mom gave me...he said he thought that he had both of them but couldn't find the other...said he was sorry that it's not as good of a gift without the other...but he knew how much I loved them...
I said thank you! I thought that I had lost them...he said as soon as he found the other he would give it to me!
So, anyway, the boys are off...I have that meeting tonight and a coffee get together with SPon. tonight...got to start packing for my trip and prepare the room for my mom!
Thanks James...I am in a good place today! Excited about my trip!
Hey Guys! Just wanted to tell you that I'm going good...jammin to some Akon this morning...working myself for up my trip and having a great time!
Mom came in last night, so I haven't been able to check things out here! SHe's kind of old for her age...I was having to order some stuff online for her that she's been looking for...
It's also going to make my visit with her easier...she had ALL these places that she wants to go an shop b/c you can't get [email][censored]@ss[/email] stuff there...like food items...
Just goes so show you can move the cajun out of state but you change the cajun...LOL... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
So, we'll be doing alot of shopping...and I think that's good...I'll get to put my stuff with STBX on the back burner...she's be leaving the day that I leave for my trip...so there's another few days that my mind will be taken off of things...I think that's great! I think that I need that...
I went to my meeting last night and what I was feeling the other night was extreme remorse for MY stuff...I wanted to apologize to him so bad, but I knew that was not the right thing to do...what I learned is that I can do a living amends by continuing to be myself...same thing with the kids...the only way I can make up what I've done to them is to be me, the new me...the one that's not angry all the time...that can and does still yell sometimes but I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on someone or change the sitch to fit my needs...
I really didn't know that I was SOOO controlling but that's what you get for living in denial...not like I can kick myself for things that I didn't know that I was doing at the time...live and learn...results of the childhood stuff...
What's really great to me is that I recognized that I was in crisis mood, knew how to handle, made that call, and was able to move on SOOO much faster than I have in the past...
I was thinking about the last time I was in crisis mode and that was the day we moved back into the house...Sept. 22...big difference from being in crisis everyday...feeling like I was losing my mind...
If I had one regret right now, right this minute, not like I may feel that later today, it would be that I wouldn't have changed things in my life until I was a year into my program...my recovery...but at the same time I have to know that it takes what it takes...there are reasons, unknown to me, that this had to happen this way...
Have to remind myself that I am where I am for a reason...I mean heck, look my mother has graced my doorstep for the first time in my adult life...right now, Sleeping in OS's room w/MY DOG!!! The only thing that I have to do today is run to work for a minute and go to the bank...THAT's it!
She wasn't there for my college graduation, my wedding, the birth of my kids...never saw me pregnant...only saw the boys a handful or so times in all of their lives...lots of old stuff there with her and SD...and I don't question it either...
Just a thought, a dream but what if this is what it took to have my whole family together...which included STBX in the future...there's no telling...only God knows...but like I said merely a dream right now...not even a dream really...Dreams are something that you strive to achieve, I think...that would be more of I'm looking at all of the possibilities that the future CAN hold...
I'll continue to enjoy life and see where it led me...kind of like dancing to some really awesome music that gets into your bones and you just move with it...enjoying the freedom...not worrying about what OP think, just getting into the music and moving your body to the beat...
So, with that the Black EYed Peas and I are going to continue our morning, enjoying the quiet for a little longer, and then I'm going crawl back into bed for a little while...sleeping four hours at a tiem right now...I'm really happy about that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
You're IN LUCK!!! I can do THAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thanks LG! I really appreciate that...I hope that you continue to post to me...like I've mentioned I'm going to follow through with this D and I've made that really clear...
I had an emergency at work that I had to tend to so my mom went down the bayou to see her parents.
STBX even TMed me last night to let me know that they made it safe...I appreciated that b/c when they left we were under a severe storm warning and that is a long drive...I just said thank you and I wished him luck hunting...
The best thing that I see now...b/t STBX and I is that there is NO tension...I don't feel uncomfortable around him and I'm sure some of you remember how much I feared him for the longest time...SO, I'm happy to be in that place!
ANyway, I'm looking forward to not having contact with him and doing all the things that have presented themselves to me, even if they are at the last minute...
My goal with him RIGHT NOW, and for a LONG TIME is to keep those button hide...move them, should I have too...
Should we get together in the future again, one, I don't know, that remains to be seen, it would be a fresh start...but I'm not counting my chickens before they hatch and after this D is final, we will see...I think he still has alot of lessons to be learned and one is in this community property settlement...
I have to let him know b/c of my past behavior that I will stick to my guns...I have to do this for me...to be taken seriously...I've had to work on that with the kids too...and I've seen the difference that it makes...
yes, I agree that MB is working FOR ME!! I do stand corrected on that statement... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Good Morning! I had the best time! A month ago I was scared about going but of course I was going to do it anyway! This was the third time that I have ever flown and as far as the biggest city I've ever been to it was Houston...
Well, I was worried about going and had made arrangements to be picked up at the airport but when the time came there was some scheduling problems and I had to make my way from the airport to the train and then to the hotel by myself...which by the time that occurred I was comfortable with it and felt that I could do it...
of course, it's great to have wonderful friends to help you out before so I knew what I had to do and got to the hotel with no problems...the feeling that I felt doing it by myself was soooo awesome...here I am, small town girl (I say small we have a population over 100,000 people), and was able to do it with no fear...it truely added to my self-esteem...
So, I checked in early and hit the mall a few blocks away...VS was having a sale and you know a girl can't pass that up!!! I didn't even get to see the whole thing!!! LOL...My feet started hurting, so I only got to see HALF!!! LOL...So I went back to the hotel to wait for my companions and fell asleep...when they got there we were eat adn I met some wonderful people!!!
The next day, we got up late and I was the first in my room to wake up so I headed to Starbuck's right around the corner and got some coffee...then we headed out to meet our friends at the ESPN Zone...that place was awesome...I would love to watch an LSU game on the big screen!!!! Bestill my heart!!!
We took the train to the dome area and the street was littered with people...ended up at this wonderful bar...hung around there until it was time to head to the game...it was so awesome...the Georgia DOme was nice...I like Tiger Stadium better...the view at night is breathe taking!!! We had a great view of the field and I had a blast watching the Chick-fil-a Cow drop parachutes into the crowd! Needless to say I started drinking at lunch and continued until after midnight!
I made a beer buddy in the next section from us...I went to get some beer and got three well when I got back, one of the guys had gone to get beer, so my beer buddy said I'll give you $7 for it...SURE!!! Well, I went down again and he asked me to bring him again but didn't have any change for a hundred...I told him not to worry about it just when he went to get one to bring me one back...Well, in overtime, I GOT MY BEER!!
It was a great game!!! We had AWESOME people around us! IT WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!!! So, we got out of the stadium in enough time to hit another bar close to the dome...and that's where we rung in the New year...
I was actually on the phone trying to talk to the kids, but couldn't hear them so they handed the phone to STBX and I was talking to him about the boys at the stroke of midnight...he build a huge fire for him! We hung out there and then headed back to the hotel via the train again!
I drank ALOT!!! MOF, the bartender at the first bar before the game gave me a slice of cranberry with my vodka and I had to go back and pick on him a little to get another glass of straight cranberry juice! then at the last bar we were doing shots of Patron...I gave up half of my last one...that was TOOO strong for me!!! LOL
Didn't have a hangover yesterday, felt great...was second up in the group, still feeling good from the night before and headed back to Starbuck's for coffee and a parfait...
I SLEPT ALL NIGHT GO FIGURE!! LMAO...if I have to drink that much to sleep all night you can hang it up!!! LMAO...
We grabbed something to eat and headed to the airport...I was there extremely early but my friends had to get back home...that airport COULD have give me a headache...FINALLY got through the long lines for security and flight was delayed, then I still had to drive home...
I was SOO READY to be done with the airport...picked up my car with no trouble and GOGO was SOOOO EXCITED TO SEE ME...it took what seems like forever to calm her down...she has really turned out to be the best little dumpster dog...she's been rally good about doing her stuff outside...
We're still losing some clothes from time to time but that will work out too...
ALL IN ALL, I WOULDN"T CHANGE a thing about the trip...I feel really confident about doing something like that again! I was able to handle myself and that felt so awesome...
I did have the housekeeping steal a hundred dollars from me and I presently have a call into the General manager about it. I will be pushing the issue and if it's not resulted to my benefit I will be writing reviews of the hotel on the internet...word of mouth! This was a nice hotel and I'm sure that they will not like that idea...I plan to ask for his email address so that I can email hima copy of the reviews...
I didn't notice it until I got to the airport and was buying some things for the boys...whoever it was really had to dig to find it...
But that didn't even make it a bad trip or anything...So I HAD A BLAST and WOULD definitely do something like that again! LOL...Perhaps when I get my refund this tax season!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Thank you all for checking in on me...I had a wonderful time with my mom too! It was a wonderful holiday season!!! I'm looking forward to getting the boys back this coming Sunday! They should be heading back from MIL with STBX today! They are doing well and have had a great Christmas too!
well, plenty of things to do here...after being off over a week!! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
STBX called me on his way back from MIL about 30 mins out of town and asked if I could watch the kids for him for a few hours...said he would explain later and he had to go pick up some stuff...
-I KNEW-....-I KNEW- what he was going to go do...I had a gut feeling since yesterday that something was no right...I felt like something bad was going to happen and it wouldn't go away today...
STBX and OW broke up...he went to her Apt. to get his stuff...so it's back to the camper...So...A started I think around Oct. 05' and here we are today...
Hey, James...Yeap, STBX admitted it to me...said not to ask any questions...I didn't want to anyway...he just said that he didn't know what happened with this one either...
I went to dinner with him and the kids...he was TMing somebody...I got tired of it and finally said "You know I have calls to make too." He said well, go ahead! I said I was trying to give you my undivided attention...
It took a second, then he said he was sorry...another TM came through and he wanted to look and I said to go ahead and he said that it could wait...
I was a little uncomfortable being with him around the kids TBH...still processing it really, thinking about what I want...last night I was running it through my head and I was in a NO, I can't do this frame of mind...that was after I had to save his @ss...
He TMed me about 11 asking if I was asleep, said the kids were asleep already and they just ran out of propane at the camper...if it wasn't for my kids, I wouldn't have got, that interrupted my sleep...so, I ran to the store, brought a space heater and brought it to them...stayed about two minutes to make sure that it worked and left...it was already extremely cold in there...got down to 30 degree last night...
I didn't even let him know that I made it home safely...
During some earlier TMs...which started about the kids and the pebbles that they earned at dinner he asked if he earned any...I said one...he said that he would have to try harder...
He admitted to being bitter in around about way and I said that it was pointless and a waste of energy...went on to say that we all make mistakes and it's the amends and swallowing the pride that's the hard part...he said that swallowing the pride was the hard part...I said that I agree...
And he came back with we live and we learn, we just have to apply what we've learned...I ended the conversation...
I'm going to take the next few days for me...rest, relax, visit some friends...
I don't know if I can make up my mind at this point...I really don't know if I want him back...I think about all the cheating on his part and my part over the last 15 years and I'm not sure...
There's no way that he's moving back into this house...one thing's for sure I'm following through with this D...-THAT- I'm certain of...
I was talking to my mom about it when she was down here and she said that my nonnie, SD's mom, Ded her H for a year then remarried him...I'm just not sure so I'm sticking to what I know right now...MY LIFE!!!
Thanks for stopping in, like I said I feel like I have a lot to process...and it was good to get it out this morning...you know you think that you will never see the day that the A ended and I waited what seemed like forever...now, I'm just not so sure...
Well, That was STBX calling me to let me know that they made it through the night without freezing and to "THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" (His words!) Said he was going get propane right now...30 sec convo...
Well, I have to get to work and I'm not finished getting ready...just had to get some stuff out...
OH, BTW, I've been keeping up with your thread, just haven't had anything to say...just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you...
That's the thing that I need to think about...WHAT I need from him...I'm really not sure right now...that's part of what I need to process...with my mom being here and my trip I haven't thought about it...
I know that being around him last night I sure didn't feel love for him...MOF, I was pretty quiet, mostly talked to the kids, laughed and played with them b/c that's what was comfortable to me...
STBX even asked What was wrong b/c it looked like I didn't want to be there...TBH, I don't even remember what I said...I think I said no, I was fine...
I think the main thing is that I don't feel comfortable with him right now...not in a bad way like being scared of him or anything like that...it's that protection factor that weighting in alot...I've got my guard up really high, especially NOW that They "broke up"...does that make sense?
It was up before but even higher now?
RIGHT NOW, I can't EVEN imagine living with him, kissing him or anything else...
I do know that I need some space right now...I need to think things through...I plan on going to a meeting tonight, talking with Spon., talking to you guys here...stay focused on me... keep my head clear...
Okay...got to get some work done! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Well.. to be honest I think you're doing the right things.
Though you are having conversations with him, and he's starting to open up, and at least talk remorse. We do know that actions are what we're looking for, not words...
HOWEVER.
Choosing to follow through with the D is certainly your choice, and I don't think anyone here could fault you for it for even a second if they've read through your sitch.
Let me ask you this though, would it (if you choose to seek reconciliation) hurt then to put the D on hold? Can you do that in your state? If the term is for him to make it a year, can you just postpone the D for that long? If he makes his progress in that year then drop it altogether?
I'm not saying rush into anything if the A 'ended' just last night.. you know there's going to be withdrawl.. you know there's going to be ups and downs, and having a D on hold can very easily be handled improperly and used as a manipulation tool.. you'd need to be very vigilant about that.
His comments about living and learning, swallowing pride.. they're one of two things, indications that he's done some serious soul searching.. or he's trying to find a soft place to land. You're the only one who can 'see' which of those two it may be.. and certainly you'd be well counseled to give him some time to heal on his own, without using you as a crutch.
If you -are- interested in the possibility of reconciliation, now may be the time to start being completely open and honest with him (unless you think it would hurt you in the D). Let him know how you feel about the things he is doing and saying.. let him know where -you- are at.. and if you haven't.. show him the road home. You obviously already know, but he's going to have to realize that it's going to take time... care.. and patience.
Well, I can tell you this...he's not going to get any sypmathy here...the first thing I thought of when I walked into that camper last night was: He needs to live in here for six months to experience what it was like for me and the kids...
I certainly know that I haven't forgiven, just the pain has gone...the triggers have...the dreams of him and OW...
I haven't forgotten...
As far as being O&H with him...I can on SOME things right now, others he doesn't need to know right now...he has to earn trust before I put myself out there...thus the protective barrier...and I have let him know where I am...I am following through...
I have has a history of reniging when I say I'm going to do something...it was hard to put my foot down...I was so afraid...I will see this to the end...FOR ME!!!
Then, no matter what happens or who I M, I will have a real wedding...compared to what I had...MY DREAM!!! The wedding dress, the cake, the dancing, nothing big...MY FAMILY THERE!!! I didn't have a soul of my family at my wedding...I was 5 months pregnant...IT SUCKED!!!
yes, withdrawal...I don't think that he's healed from me yet...from what he said about being bitter...
Past history tells me not to expect a DARN thing...and that's what I'm sticking with...
I can't seem to get out of my mind what I'm going to do...I can't stop thinking about it...
I've heard before how hard it is to swallow his pride...just thinking about everything...
I feel like I have no direction right now and the only course I can stay on is the one that I'm on...
I need those links to signs of true remorse...like CJ's, i think I remember reading...
I have been invited to the "camp" for dinner...-HE'S COOKING-...he does an awesome chili that I love...so I agreed to go this Sat. @ 3pm...kids will be there...mind you it's amazing that he's cooking...that wasn't a thing that happen often...still no putting any stock in this one thing...
I can't say that I'm on a high or low right now...
Oh, the hotel called a little while ago and told me that they are filing a claim with their ins. company and that I should be contacted within the next 24/48 hrs. for more information...So, it looks like I will be getting that $100 back...that's a plus...
Well, let me get some more work done...I'm headed to Spon. house after work...I think that should STBX call, I'll let it go to VM...there's been a little too much contact for me right now...I don't feel drained or anything like that, I just don't want to deal with him...is that a bad thing do you think?
Stay the course, girl. My opinion would be to keep things going with the D. There has to be much more to stop such a process, and he's not there, and may not be there before it goes thru.
Remember, "This love stuff is demanding", and until he asks "What can I do to reconcile with you?" AND follows thru, it's not worth it. Don't let this get you all twisted and tangled. Keep your eyes open, and see what he does, with consistency. That word is very important CONSISTENCY.
I noticed, when I did have contact with PWC, when he was away, my own FOG rolled back in, and I would have to remind myself that his words were meaningless unless backed by action. At the time, he never followed thru.
Let him keep coming to you.
I see you are IN LOVE with the Mary J. album. I often wonder if she's a Marraige Builder herself, when I listen to her lyrics. Food for thought.
Thanks SL...that's very comforting...Funny that you mention mary J., and YES I"M IN LOVE WITH IT>>>EVERY SONGGGG...Roses are my favorite right now...
I listened to it on the way to bring the heater to him last night and OS asked me to make a copy of it before he left with STBX...it was to listen in teh truck on the way up...I just wonder if STBX listened to it too and what he thought...
Those words are the path home in itself...I'm going to wear that thing CD out! Did you get it from Santa?
Thanks BUGS, I really appreciate that...I went to see my Spon. tonight and my meeting...it was good...always helps to go, clears my head...but yea, SIS's post put me in my place...
BIG duh moment...and you are so right...that urge...that old behavior resurfacing...leaping into the future...a subtle reminder...
I was going to go visit a friend after my meeting but I was falling asleep so I decided to come home...since it's cold I'm making a good ole'fashion corn soup...already in my pj's and I'm going to lounge around...relax, breathe, and enjoy my dog...
No word from STBX yet and I'm very happy with that!
So, I'll have patience...be still...enjoy life...continue to smile!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and LMAO!!!!
Thanks again SIS! LOL...not often I need that... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Yesterday I could see him working in my life! Simplifing some things for me...it was very clear with one of my friends I have here...there was an issue that I was going to address and I didn't have to address it at all...it just worked out..what a blessing...
Then the hotel thing with my money, that's working out for me...then I had a check come in the mail that I wasn't expecting for some time...I -KNOW- God's taking care of me...I feel his presence in my life...I'm so blessed to have him carry me this far...
I have a sticky note on my desk here at work, a result of Meggy actually!
It says: God would break this man in such a way that it would cause him to return to God and his family! So I pray for STBX several times a day when I see that! Know in my eyes that doesn't -HAVE- to mean ME...I pray that he will become a better person for himself and the boys...I don't -NEED- STBX, but they do! So, I'm okay with however God's chose to grant that pray or not grant that pray...
I-KNOW- in my heart that we will be fine...nothing bad has happened to us since we left...we have always had what we need when we need it...
I've got some finacial stuff going on right now and I know that will work out too, but it was adding to my stress yesterday...
I actually thought about sending STBX an email with the four rules of Marriage and saying that he could use these for any relationship, but chose not too...one, that's contact and I want to limit that...two, I thought that would just be bad...perhaps seen in the wrong light -RIGHT- now...
I just need to leave him alone and for him to leave me alone right now...only God can do for him right now...
LOL...I'm telling you, SIS gave me a big WHOOP in a little way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
God, I so appreciate ALL of you...I didn't think taht I would ever get to this point that I would be considering or having to think about the possibility of a future down the line with STBX...b/c there was nothing wrong with him..."I was the one with the problem!" you know as far as he was concerned...well, I thought the same thing kind of...he was the problem, not me...
I had alot of owning to do...and I'm sure that I will have more...
Thing that's foremost in my mind is -I'M not the same person I was!-
E reminded me of that and I'm sure that plenty others can say the same thing...
At least I have you guys to help me stay the course!
Heartfelt thanks for all that you guys do for me! Rin
Do not discount for a moment what a blessing you are to us as well Rin. Nobody found this website by accident.
I've mentioned (maybe not on this thread) that I look out for those signs in front of the churches on my way to and from places? I think that's a logical place to look for things God has to say to us.
One that stands out in my mind, which is perfect for you and Bugs, and SG.. and one my IC told me last night is beautiful for me as well is: Your life is a sermon. What kind of sermon are you giving?
This weeks ain't bad either: Trying times are not the times to stop trying.
God bless you Rin.. I have no doubt He will guide your path. Have no fear in your heart that He only wants to bless and enrich your life.
Shhhh (it's Lizzie). You know, as I was reading your thread, something struck me. It seems like the waywards always need to be holding on to SOMEONE. They leave their spouse for the A partner, and once it ends they look to run back to the spouse, and in many cases, they try to hold on to both.
I changed my screen name here because OW has been stalking me on some other boards that I am on, and referenced a letter that I gave to her H in one of her emails she sent me. I thought she may have found me here because I thought I had written to him about this site, but after checking that letter, I remembered that I told him about it verbally, so I think maybe I'm OK.
When my H told me 15 months ago that he wanted to come back home, he continued talking to OW on the phone two times a week until 5 months ago. He said that he wanted to have something to fall back on in case we didn't work out. He told me that he never imagined at the time that his talking to her would be the major factor responsible if we didn't recover our marriage. But 6 months ago, he said he woke up and realized what he was doing was wrong and felt like "we" were strong enough and would make it so he ended it. She threatened to call me and tell me if he didn't continue to talk to her, so he called her for another month and then abruptly cut her off. He says he knows that he should have told me right away, but was afraid of my reaction, and afraid that I would end it just when he was ready to give it all he had. He agreed to counseling then and we started. However, his deception has for me, undone all that we accomplished these past 5 months.
I don't know where I am going with this actually, but I was just noticing that while the A is ongoing, us BS's spend time alone, working on our own personal recoveries, learning and growing, while the waywards just bounce from one person to another. I guess I am saying that you have come so far. Don't be a temporary fix or the back-up plan for your STBX. If you do eventually get to the point that a reconciliation seems possible - set your requirements and boundaries firmly and do not budge even the tiniest little bit. I made the mistake and allowed my H to limit us to only 4 sessions with Steve Harley and then a re-evaluation. So of course he did those 4 sessions, paid his dues in his eyes, and then announced that he didn't want any more counseling. Of course not, he was still in contact with OW. Looking back, everything made sense. All along, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and relaxed my boundaries. Not this time. If I do go forward, what I need is iron clad. You can check out my thread under this name for details.
First- YOU don't have to do ANYTHING. It's totally in STBX's hands if you recover your marriage. YOU are already doing what you need to do for YOU and your family. You must see PROOF of what he is doing for the LONG TERM. Think of it like your children (if they're anything like mine, lol)- you "catch" them and they're remorseful and try for a few days but it doesnt' continue. That is why you are in PLAN A FOR RIN. You are making changes that WILL stick. You are remorseful for your part and you will do what it takes over the long haul- and you know this becasue you have been DOING it! You must see this in STBX, imho, for it to be "safe" to be in any relationship with him other than parents of your sons.
Thought I'd pop in my own .02 cents. When I start allowing someone to push my boundaries and I find my lines getting blurred, I try to make a list to bring it back in perspective.
So.....
My suggestion is to make a list. What does Rin need in a R? With anyone, not just POWS. What does Rin need in regards to her children when she is in a R?
What will she retain of herself, what is she absolutely not willing to give up or change about herself? Some things you may WANT to change - others you may not. That choice is yours, don't let someone adjust you to their liking.
That list can contain whatever you want it to - reminders to yourself of what you need and what your boundaries are.
Compare that list to POWS - what has he DONE to show you that he is willing to meet your standards for a R?
What has he tried to change in you that you are unwilling to change about yourself?
Has he made concrete movements towards renewing a relationship with you? What concrete things has he done? Are they enough?
These need to truly be things he has done or clearly said - not what you may have read into an action or hoped it meant.
It needs to be concrete - or my opinion is that the risk to Rin is too high.
Don't delay the D for crumbs. You are worth so much more.
He CAN give you more than crumbs - the questions is whether or not he chooses to do so. Accept no less than what you deserve.
OMG...All of the responses...I'm not use to that...I haven't had that in so long...and when I did I was in a bad place...so different from today...
Fox- I want to address this first...b/c I think that it goes hand in hand with what HTH was saying about being co-dependent...
Quote
That choice is yours, don't let someone adjust you to their liking.
You know for years, I -know- that I didn't like myself...there were things that I wanted to change but didn't know how...I really hated some of the things that I did...especially with the boys...but I just couldn't figure it out...
I've heard several times that we have to hit rock bottom b/f we can either gather the strenght to find a new way or be willing to -see- a new way...
We all know what the shock of betrayal is like...which intensified my PTSD, which led to an emotional rock bottom therefore I was left with no choice but to find a new way...
I -CAN'T- go back to who I was...it didn't work then and it certainly will not work again...I know that I will become resentful, angry, hateful, all those things I didn't like in the first place...
I have some other thingss that I want t address but I'm limited on time at the presetn moment...
K- Yes sweetie, OH so familiar...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
James- I saw one while I was in Atlanta that said Don't Procastiate in 2008!
I find that I look at those signs often! LOL...I also like the fortune cookie thing on my computer and futune cookies in Chinese restaurants...I feel like it's a message in a way...
LD5- I hear you girl...some of the stuff you posted makes sense now...you know since you two have been back together...I asked a co-worker, who sees him often (has with OW) to let me know if he sees him again with her...he asked why, are you thinking about getting back together with STBX...I said I didn't say all of that, but we are being civil to each other and I want to know if he's lying to me...he stand that was understandable and agreed...
This is the same person that I asked not to let me know what STBX was doing b/c it hurt to much...
A little added protection for me is the way I see it...
Sis, LOL, I know you didn't intend it that way...but that's what it was when it hit me...like:"OMG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" you know? LOL It was what I needed when I needed it!
HTH- I'm glad that my experience is touching you...I know that it is helping others as well...SO, James, I KNOW MAN! I KNOW...I don't discredit myself at all...my program teachs me this...I touch people's lives everyday...whether I intend to or not...b/c I'm valued, loved, cherished, etc...
I didn't know that back in the GAP!! LOL I felt unworthy of adding my 2 cents...afraid...of rejection...of speaking up...conflict...I LIVED IN FEAR...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY!
I'm not afraid to live my life without STBX in it...not in the least...GOd provides...
Fox- I DO need to make a list...LA talked about doing something similiar but I haven't gotten around to doing that...it's just in my head...stuff like I will not give up my friends, my board position, my job, my kids...my GODDESS wear...LMAO...my POWER...my own finances without someone else's involvement...like I will always have my own money...we(whomever) will split the bills and pay things separately...I'm not going to be in a position where I don't have funding available to me b/c of someone else...
Like I said I need to write that stuff done...
So there's my thoughts...oh, it appears that my financial problem has found it's own solution today...that's a little weight off on me...
I did want to say that all I have to give to STBX right now in addition to a co-parenting relationship is my program...I have some boundaries and things I WILL NOT talk to him about...I think it's easier to define what I WILL NOT DO, then what I can do...does that make sense?
You know today I firmly believe that I have better control over my emotions and as far as STBX is concerned be more pragmatic with him...
I've thought about setting up a jar for him in my bathroom, a place that only I can see it, b/c it is for me, and adding pebbles when I see something good that he does...ike the pebble system I have for the kids...
That way I can -see- the changes and perhaps recognize a pattern more easily...
I've thought about setting up a jar for him in my bathroom, a place that only I can see it, b/c it is for me, and adding pebbles when I see something good that he does...ike the pebble system I have for the kids...
I'm for this,,,, as long as the BAD behavior takes OUT pebbles too!!
Seriously, it's not an all bad idea. The problem I see with it is that it does not account for the TYPE of good behavior, which I think is MOST important here. JMHO.
Hi ALL! I had some good interaction with STBX...Friday and Saturday night...
I learned some things about him...his spirituality has greatly improved and he carries a prayer in his truck, next to the speedometer and he said that he reads it everyday...
He also admitted to reading self-help books. YOU DON"T KNOW HOW BIG THAT IS!!! So, I tested him tonight...he dropped off the kids and all of their stuff...
I asked him what he was reading now...he said that he didn't have anything, so I told him that he was welcome to go through my books...he picked two...
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People Elizabeth B. Brown
and
Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples Harville Hendrix
Since he burned SAA and I couldn't find my HNHN, I brought another copy of each today...and they were in there with the rest of the books...
We had a good conversation after the kids went to bed last night also...it came down to I said that his A never ended as far as I was concerned...he said it did end but he still wanted her as his friend...I said that you can't have a friend who is an enemy to your marriage...he said that he didn't know that at the time...
I used my A as an example...b/c New Year's Eve I was called by my affair partner...I told him that I was contacted by him and that STBX, at the time, was continuing his friendship with OM, even through I didn't want anything to do with him...whenever OM would contact me I ALWAYS immediately told STBX...
So, I told him of the contact New Year's Eve, and I told him that I didn't owe him anything NOW, but I still felt that I had to prove that I was faithful to him and that I thought that was really messed up!
I told him that I still felt that I couldn't ask for what I needed for him, that it was pointless, but he had refused in the past...he asked what that was...I said NC, and MC!
I also told him in the conversation that I was not going to be a soft place for him to land that he just broke up with her a few days ago but how did I know that...
When he said that he had ended it with her when we were still together and I said that I felt it never ended, I also mentioned that the only option that I had left was to leave and get out of his way...
So, all in all, I'm planting seeds...
Last night I left feeling frustrated, there was no talk about us...like the night before...he got a TM that triggered me, it was late! He didn't want me to go and didn't tell me that until after I TMed him that I was home...we had drank a few beers together...and we have check points often around here...
So I said that I was home and that I left b/c I was frustrated and he asked at what...I said that I was triggered by the TM and that there are things that I want/needed to hear from him...
He TMed back that he can't control the TMs...that he was sorry...I said that I would deal with my stuff...he said that he really didn't want me to go...I said that I would see him when he dropped off the boys...
My expectations were getting in the way and I realized that so I did some reading on it before going to bed...with that I was fine...
THere is a huge difference in him...no negative ALL the time...admitted to enjoying cooking...he did an awesome job on the chili...I can see it with the way he handles the kids...BY HIMSELF...NO ONE AROUND, NO ONE IN THE CAMPSITE...NO ONE DO YOU HEAR ME...remember he had to have help for months after I left...that's all changed since court...
I asked him if he had hit bottom when he was telling me about going to the bar every night after I left and he said that he felt he's still in it...I thought to myself GOOD!
So, I'm still feeling him out...even told him that I was more on guard with him now that him and OW have broke up...I talked about withdrawal...ENs...and with ENs, I used my A as an example...explaining why I did it...told him that OM would come over, give me and the kids attention while he sat on the computer looking at porn...that he made me feel special...
I told him that I was addicted to the attention, the feelings that I had when he was around...that's all an affair is...it's like when you meet someone and you feel that high and then you come down from that high...
I explained how guilty and remorseful I felt after...and that's why I was trying to prove myself to him all the time...
perhaps it is just me Rin...and take this for what it worth...but reading your posts for the past few weeks....maybe even longer, has given me an uneasy feeling about where you are with your STBX husband.
I mean last night, you are sitting there drinking with your STBX and it seems like you are what...friends? He got a text...and he can't "control them." Bull pucky. He should change his number.
I just sense some "glitch" in your thinking and I can tell you from where you were at a few months ago, I am more than a little surprised.
Has your STBX gotten this OW completely out of his life...NO. Has he gotten therapy for his abusive way..NO.
Sure he isn't being negative all the time right now...he realizes the divorce is almost final and he is reeling you back in...again.
Rin, it is typical behavior for abusers to keep their prey close enough to exert some control over them. i am certain that in many ways, your STBX (maybe???) is coming across as changed...but really, what has he done?
Abusers abuse Rin. It's what they do. When they have gone too far, they reel the victim back in with supposedly changed behaviors...then when they have you...they are right back to their abusive ways.
IMHO...stop with the get togethers...finalize your divorce and move on with your life. He is an abuser Rin. He lost a GF and now he is looking for someone he can control. Don't fall for it. You will ruin all the hard work you have done if you keep letting him in your life a little more here and there.
You say this so LIGHTLY..that is not a normal thing for a person to do...
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.it came down to I said that his A never ended as far as I was concerned...he said it did end but he still wanted her as his friend...
Rin, he didn't say that he WAS WRONG! He hasn't APOLOGIZED to you about what he did. He had the gall to sit there with you and say that he wanted her as his friend? To me, that's DISGUSTING..
Why do you feel compelled to tell him anything? Has he apologized for what he has done to you? Has he repented even though he has the prayer book in his truck? YUCK...
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So, all in all, I'm planting seeds...
For what?
He is the one that needs to do the work. If he wants you, it's simple. APOLOGY..NO CONTACT LETTER..you know the deal, Rin...
I don't get this, Rin...
You are being DISRESPECTED...
I am SAD for you...
He has not won the right for you to be spilling your guts to him...
I'll be the first to admit that I ahve NO clue what I'm doing...
the closest thing I can come up with is plan a...but it's more like feeling him out for me...
Mimi, I thought you said that things happened like my stuff in your sitch...
yes, I moved in with my Sponsor...I felt like I was trapped at the end, like I couldn't go anywhere...he wouldn't leave...he wouldn't let me leave with the kids...
things like burning my books and tracking me down and all the other stuff where happening while the affair was happening...I was fighting for my Marriage and he was fighting for his Affair...that all happened in the last six months that I was with him...
Yes, he was abusive at the end...and I was scared that it was going to go forth...
Rin - I'm with MEDC - I've been uneasy about this dance back to him with him making no acknowledgments or commitments for reforms to have this kind of unrestricted contact with you. And today in a very personal way, it's brought home to me that this violent dynamic in a relationship doesn't go away by sweeping it under the rug while you form a "new" relationship with a man capable of violence.
I can't go into details, but domestic violence touched my life again today. Indirectly this time - and I can't go into more details. This just doesn't go away that easily.
Ok...even giving him the slight benefit of the doubt...
HE NEEDS TO EVIDENCE REPENTANCE for what he has done or else you are ENABLING HIM...
PLAN A is for negotiating the end of an affair...
YOU ARE DOING ALL THE WORK, RIN..
He is giving you crumbs...
PLAN B is what you need to be doing at this point..until he comes to you on bended knee..begging for you to reconcile with him..
I can't recall the details but I felt he was ABUSIVE..
I didn't think this about my H...my H didn't BURN BOOKS and stuff..I wasn't AFRAID of him...he was HURTFUL in what he said and did but I wasn't AFRAID of him...
And he had to almost BEG me to reconcile and he had to evidence PROOF of his desire for me in more ways than one...
When Mimi and I are in total agreement on this, you might want to pay attention! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It doesn't happen too often!
Prayers are most welcome. I can't go into details about it. It's not about me, or even family. But my heart hurts so much. It's tough when they try to notify everyone before it gets broadcast on the evening news and forget friends or don't allow enough time for the phone tree to work.
Rin - Please please please don't undo the work for safety you've done for so many months.
Rin you and I had a similar discussion about this today via IM and the same core question is one I asked you - What is your plan?
Everyone here can help you devise the right plan.
I agree with a lot of the statement by MEDC and mimi - do you see remorse? repentance?
Personally I know very little about abuse and have not experienced it first hand; however I have seen it's effects in the life iof my WW, and I can say that MEDC is right on here:
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Abusers abuse Rin. It's what they do. When they have gone too far, they reel the victim back in with supposedly changed behaviors...then when they have you...they are right back to their abusive ways.
YOU know this - this is a part of your own history.
But I see the side of wanting to feel him out - the hope for reconciliation or even an attempt at it might be strong. I don't know what is right here, but I wonder if Steve Harley would say the same thing he said to me in my sitch- that the best case scenario would be for you/him to be in love with the father/mother of your children.
if that is the plan, then you need help in setting the parameters for that and a lot of people her3e can help with that.
Please listen to medc and mimi. They are right on. Until he comes back repentant-which means he has shown a change in behavior-then nothing has changed. One of my sisters and my best friend since high school both experienced DV. My sister's H was willing to get help, and come under the accountability of my brothers and dad. It took YEARS of that before his behavior really changed. My sis thought her M was over.
My bf since high school accepted small changes-and things would be good for a while. But, he isn't accountable to anyone. And then...all the excuses she gives me for her H's behavior as it escalates come back.They have had breaks of up to two years before it happens again. And it is happening again.
Please listen. Don't even open that door a tiny crack until he has been through DV treatment ON HIS OWN (not for you, not because the courts say he has to, but because he recognizes it and wants to change) and he has an accountability person he will turn to and answer to.
Divorce isn't necessarily the end of a M. Our God is a God who can bring things back to life.
Rin, DV treatment will take a few years. years. do not be lulled into thinking he is safe until you hear from a menatl health professional that he no longer presnts any danger to you or your kids.
Good to hear! It's just that you had me worried for a sec and (in my best New York grandma accent) "you know how I worry. I worry! Now, be a good girl and eat this chicken soup."
Actually, if it was my mom, it would be a tuna casserole. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I’m not sure what we have been doing there lately. I do love you and will always love you, for you are the father of my children. I want the best for them and the best marriage that I can have, one that is free from affairs on both our parts, both emotional affairs and physical affairs.
WE have not had the best marriage but I do have hopes that some day that can be possible. It didn’t start out well, and it certainly hasn’t ended all that well. I feared you when I left. The things that you had done left me with a fear that the next step was you putting your hands on me.
I loved you dearly but I couldn’t stand the thought of that and I had to leave, not only for my sake but because I didn’t want the boys learning that kind of thing was okay. DO you remember the reaction the night that you broke the glass? Do you remember your son crying?
I want things to be different then they were. I want a healthy relationship where anger is dealt with in a more positive light. I want to love you and only you. I never want to hurt you by cheating on you or be hurt by being cheated on.
I’m willing to try to reconcile but I strongly feel that without the following things I can not do this.
Marriage counseling Anger management No contact letters (I’ll write one to T)
Having all of us together again would be a dream come true for me and I’m sure the boys also. I was trying to have a relationship with you but the pain and hurt is still there. I accept my part of the failure of our marriage. I have hurt you. I have hated you! I have twisted things around to make me right. I can’t and won’t do those things anymore. I have learned so much about myself and the things that I did wrong, why I chose to cheat, what I didn’t do for you, how I didn’t meet your emotional needs, etc.
I have completely enjoyed our recent time together but it’s hard. I’m wondering if it’s really over. , if you are wanting to get back together, if you’re willing to do the work as much as I am…
I love you but I can’t continue like this. So, until it is directly related to the kids, please do not contact me. I will not contact you either. This is hard all over again and I really don’t want this but I have too.
OKay, I'm sorry about earlier..I had issues with anyone who was angry with me, not just him...I couldn't stand for anyone to me mad at me...today, people can just be mad...if I did something wrong, I can apolgize for it like places blame where it shouldn't be...
like seom of the comments that I made earlier tonight...
I'm sorry...I'm not turning to hold anyone responsible for my stuff...I did what I did...
He's just not like that...he was never that bad, yes, he has/had trouble expressing anger and any other emotion for that matter...
I was intimidated by his anger...the night that he borrow the glass, I wasn't scared of him then, it wasn't until later when I realized that it was DV that I got scared...thinking that this is the way things are going and if it continued then the next thing on the list was putting his hands on me...
All the things that he did hurt, but I was not afraid when it was taking place...I was afraid after the fact...
You guys have been so supportive...during this process...the whole thing...I lost it earlier and for my reaction I'm truely sorry...I understood that you all are only looking out for my safety and well being...I felt that no matter what I said you will think that I'm just defending him...
I would not have considered R at all before now...I'm still not sure that is what I want...I know more what I don't want...and I don't want a marriage in which him or I cheat..well, a marriage in which either party cheats...
Like I said I'm still not sure that I want to R with him...I was in a fog of my own TBH...alot of the things that he has said to me in the past...I KNOW that I took it the wrong way...
He would get on me about not visiting my family more and I couldn't bring myself to do it...a lot of my issues were related to being sexually abused and raped so many times...I was afraid of so much...going places...doing things...
I've worked on all of that stuff this past year...
Can we put aside abuser stuff aside and address other issues? I have talked with people IRL about it...I have you guys looking out for me here and I have people looking out for me here also...
I've been told that I have a great head on my shoulders, to be careful, to check in...
I was so guilty of doing my own twisting of reality...
STBX and I had a horrible beginning...I was raped before OS was born and I didn't tell anyone until months later, I told him...he remembers that day all to well, he came home from work and I was in the tub...had all of the feeling assocaited with it...we were being pressured to get marriaged b/c I was pregnant...he didn't know if it was his or not...but he chose to marry me anyway...
I was standing at the end of the isle and I didn't want to get married either...but that was the best choice for me at the time...I made my chose, he made his...we worked it out...
We talked about this the other night, I never told him how I felt about getting married and why I said yes...it was easier to marry him then return to my family, pregnant with a black man's baby...I picked the harder path b/c I lost my family for being with him...they didn't want to be around "those" kind of people...
WE have the unique history of the "open marriage"...then I wanted to stop all of that...I was growing and changing...I had YS, he didn't really want a second child...I had my A, confessed...then along came his...in his mind I did the same thing but was requiring more of him than he required of me...
We have fought tooth and nail to be together through all of our stuff...this D is an end to all the bad for me, in my eyes with him...anything there after is a new beginning...where we can put all of the past behind us and really chose whether or not we want to be together...
He gets the same chose that I do...to see if he wants to be with me...but first he has to figure out if he likes the new me and I have to figure out where I like who he is...
All judgments aside...yes, I'm still concerned about OW and I will need things should I chose that directions...I want NC, and MC...LATER DOWN THE ROAD...
What I see so far I like...it's not my DH...I have a STBX...I see some of the old but it's different...it's calmer, more thoughtful, caring...
That's about him and the thing is I'm comfortable in my own skin today...I don't want to hid in the background of life where people can't see me because I don't want the attention...I'm strong and confident...I want to be seen, I want to be noticed...I like dressing nice...I don't fear OP attention, if I don't like it, I ignore it...or say something...I stand up for myself...that's an awesome feeling...amazing to be so proud of myself...
I feel so bad for projecting my [email]cr@p[/email] onto him, but I can't change that...I didn't speak up and I should have but the fight was kicked out of me long before he came along...that's not his fault that I didn't stand up for myself and said that I didn't want to do this or that...my whole world revolved around sex...I know a better way of life now...
Like I said before, I can't go back to that...I'm moving forward, it's up to him if he wants to tag along...he's got his own stuff to own and wake up too...
With all of that, I am able to put that stuff on the side for the time being...
What I'm trying to say is that we have been dealing with other important issues that led us to where we are today...
it's hard to talk about those things and the other things that I have had to deal with in this past year that led to us cheating...you know you only feel so comfortable talking about so much on line...there's always more to the picture then what everyone talks about...
To me these other issues are more important right now adn it's just going to take time...plenty of it...years like MEDC mentioned...I'm tired of jumping off cliffs...
This is the first time that he or I have had a higher power so strongly in our lives...
sorry, I can't ignore the big elephant in the room.
anger management DOES NOT WORK FOR ABUSERS. All the other issues are unimportant without addressing this first.
Making any plans to even consider getting back with him before he has had extensive therapy is not very rational and will put you and the kids in harms way. Please do not conside this.
I suggest you do a web search for "anger, management, abuser".
[color:"red"] Anger management is useful for people that have anger in all phases of their life...they lash out at everyone. Domestic violence therapy is appropriate for people that abuse those closest to them. There is a distinct difference in the therapies and chances for recovery. DV therapy is, sadly, not very effective. [/color]
Ok.. so it's not D-day stuff.. it may not even be A stuff anymore.
But you -still- need to breathe. Be still.
I haven't been around much this weekend but just looking at the most recent page or two it looks like Rin's on the rollercoaster again. Yeah, the ride is different this time, but it appears that you're getting caught up in it again and letting things get more confusing and out of control for yourself than they really have to be.
Have you been praying? Have you sought out and listened for God's answers? What is it He is saying to you?
Are you truly able right now to look at the situation without all the jumbled emotions getting in the way? If not, time to be still.. let the dustup settle a little so you can get a better picture.. a clearer perspective on your options, where -you- are at, and what your needs are. There's no need to rush through this to get to Recovery.. this is an important crossroads you have in front of you.
Just be careful and look out for Rin.. we're behind you in whatever you decide.
What I see so far I like...it's not my DH...I have a STBX...I see some of the old but it's different...it's calmer, more thoughtful, caring...
But what about the REPENTANCE? What about his taking PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY for his wrongdoing? Otherwise it can be BS. I learned this from my FWH who USED to be the MASTER of this with me before he REALLY changed....because I cut him out of my life and he thought he had lost me forever...cause I wasn't taking anymore of his crap...
STAND TALL and let him know that you want a FEAST..a BANQUET..DIAMONDS and not glass..not just reading some books.."I AM SORRY ABOUT WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU..I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE"...
MEDC: You are right. I had the wrong name for it...not just ANGER MANAGEMENT..DV THERAPY...Rin, I would at least request for him to be EVALUATED by a therapist.
Why..LATER DOWN THE ROAD? This should be the requirement in order for him to be alone with you, IMO.
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That's about him and the thing is I'm comfortable in my own skin today...I don't want to hid in the background of life where people can't see me because I don't want the attention...I'm strong and confident...I want to be seen, I want to be noticed...I like dressing nice...I don't fear OP attention, if I don't like it, I ignore it...or say something...I stand up for myself...that's an awesome feeling...amazing to be so proud of myself...
This has happened since you have been away from him...You will lose this in being DISRESPECTED by him..by him not apologizing to you and humbled...
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I feel so bad for projecting my [email]cr@p[/email] onto him,
This is so sad. YOU are feeling BAD and he is not. At least, you are not indicating that he comes across as feeling bad about anything...He should be SORROWFUL. I know how this looks. Right this minute if I bring up the affair to my H and express how it makes me feel, I see GUILT and SORROW on his face, like I have stabbed him...that is LOVE..that is what you DESERVE...I don't bring it up that much anymore because every single day he does his very best to make his amends...HIS ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN HIS WORDS..because HIS WORDS were often BS..he told me that.."WATCH MY ACTIONS"...
Right this minute if I bring up the affair to my H and express how it makes me feel, I see GUILT and SORROW on his face, like I have stabbed him...
That's what I see...the look on his face is priceless and he drops his head and can't look at me...I have seen this about five times in the past few weeks...
James I have been praying...I open up my book, just flipped it open and it was Isaiah...talking about coming out of denial...I'd have to read it again to explain...I mark it but it was so befitting of the sitch...I didn't even pay attention to where it was because it's my recovery bible...I'll have to look again...
I am not on an emotional rollercoaster...I feel good...it just upsets me that I am not being heard...like I was told recently but someone I extremely respect..."I didn't take sides because I saw his stuff but most of that stuff was on your side!"
I will not accept anything less than the feast...there's no way that I can return to the person I was...I know better today...I'm stronger today! I have my family and I have friends in my life...
I can't give a complete picture in words what is happening...there's no possible way I can do that...
Anyway I see you want a lot but what do you NEED and will he give it to you?
I don't know yet...I don't feel that i've had enough time to see...heck, if this was someone else I was talking to I don't think that it would be enough time either...
I need compromise...he's doing that in regards to the kids...
I need someone to respect my wishs, not push me into someone that I don't want to do...So far so good...he has been very respectful in that area...when I have said that I don't want to talk about something, he has been fine with that...
For instance, about prayer...I said that I would perfer not to say what I pray about and he asked me to come see...we walked to the truck and he showed me his...
I see good, and I see bad...I don't like his finacial situation...I don't like where he lives...
I like that he is trying to move up in the company...I like who he is socializing with now that he has moved up...I like the way he cares for the boys, cooking, washing their clothes, displicine, and his allotment of time without other people involved...
I like that he's trying to better himself...I like that he's no longer in the bars...
I wish that he was more open...verbally...I like that he admits when he's wrong...says I'm sorry...
So, right now, I see alot of good...but I would see that with anyone...there needs to be time to see the bad...make choices...
Worst case: We're good co-parents...
Best case: We end back up together in a few years...
Mimi, I wanted you on my thread...you popped in exactly when I was wishing for you...
I'm not sure that i want to Recon at this date...I have thought about it but I need to see more...
I refuse to give myself to him (SF)...absolutely refuse...I don't know where he's been...
Not only b/c I want better for myself in that area, but I don't what to confuse the kids...
basically, I don't know what he's doing when he's not around me...I have asked several people to keep an eye on him when they see him out in public...I was asked if I wanted him back and I said "I didn't say all of that, I just want to know if he's lieing to me!"
I'm following through with this D to protect me and the kids...
That's what I have right now...I'm comfortable with where I am RIGHT NOW...
I'm comfortable with him around the kids...playing games with them...uno, yahzee, and him joining in...
This coming Thurs. I was suppose to have a board meeting, STBX offered to watch the kids for me while I was there...it was canceled...in the past, he would have gone to bike night and would not have considered that at all...
He has really stepped up and put the kids before himself...didn't go to his Company Christmas party b/c he had them...admitted that he didn't give us the time that we needed when him and I were together...that he was trying to cram all of the stuff that he wanted to do in the time that he was off...
All he knew was how to provide...that's all his dad showed him when he was growing up...his dad was never around either working or running around on him mom...
That was the best thing I could say about STBX at one time...he was a great provider...
Thanks Frog...STBX is doing well with conversation...I won't let him meet me on affection outside of a hug...and he hugs me really tight and it feels good...but that's the only thing I can do right now...I can't allow myself...
I am getting undivided attention when he's around and he's not contacting me all the time when I'm not around...I like that too...
O&H is one of my top ones and I'm cautious with that one...like I said I have people checking him out...I still have trust issues...believing what he is saying...
I know it might seem like a small thing to you Rin...but IF your STBX was sincere, i would think one of the very first things he would do...WITHOUT YOUR HAVING TO BRING IT UP EVEN ONCE..would be to return the things he stole from you. That to me speaks to his heart right now.
And that is just the tip of the iceberg.
I know you say you are being careful...and I believe you to a point...but I also see a woman that is so capable of letting her gurad down and being hurt by a man that really has no business having any access to her until he makes everything right.
So, wouldn't you suppose that if you were a victim of someone literally stealing from you..that the first thing that should happen to show their new nature would be a return of ...at a minimum...everything that was stolen from you? If he sold the stuff...then he should replace it with all new stuff. And even though you are not saying it, I get the impression that he is getting a pass on many things, when he has earned none.
If you don't want to reconcile with him, do you want to HELP him for the SAKE of your sons?
If you meet ANY of his NEEDS, you reduce HIS SUFFERING.
In order to change, he has TO SUFFER..he has to reach HIS BOTTOM.
I think you are relieving HIS SUFFERING..and IMPEDIING his PROGRESS..
IMO, HE CAN BEST GET HIS LIFE TOGETHER IF HE HAS NO CONTACT WITH YOU.
With contact with you, HIS CHANGE PROCESS STOPS...
You see what I mean?
Is this meeting YOUR NEEDS?
I don't see this as really caring about him.
I don't see your contacts, with him, sharing a beer, as being in the best interests of YOUR CHILDREN.
It is in the best interests of them for him to REALLY get himself together...and even better yet, as Steve Harley said to the other person, for them to be reared by both of their parents...
Your contacts with HIM are not gonna help you reach this goal...
It really hit me when I listened to a tape one day and the author was talking about her experience as a COA. She invited her friend over to look at TV and when they got there, her Dad was drunk on the floor and she just walked over him and turned on the TV. SHE THOUGHT THIS WAS NORMAL. She said could never forget the look of HORROR on her friend's face.
If you are like I WAS, I used to think of ABNORMAL stuff as being NORMAL...like how you are downplaying the BAD STUFF that your WH did..like..LA DE DAH..he stole my stuff/he burned my books...NONE of that is NORMAL or ACCEPTABLE..even if he did cause he was a WAYWARD..my H did lots of AWFUL of things when he was a WAYWARD and NONE of it was OK..that was NO EXCUSE...and because he did such HORRIBLE THINGS to me..he had to make AMENDS and is still making AMENDS...and he recognizes the NECESSITY of that...in order for us to continue to RECOVER...
MeDC- I hear you on that one...good point...MOF, that just made me kinda mad all over again...
Mimi- I've thought about that too...TBH, I really wanted to give him a taste of the good life and I mentioned to someone that I had plans to go dark after tonight...I have no reason to contact him after tonight...I mentioned that earlier...
ACOA- my stepdad, my abuser...yes, I can relate to that...
Well, I finished cleaning house, cooking supper and the game is going to start...
Rin - there was a convo on gun conrol on the presidential discussion thread, but I felt my response belongs here...
You removed his guns from the house for a reason.
There are TWO major characteristics of men and women who are most susceptible to hurting someone else - a lack of empathy, and lack of impulse control.
Because of my own childhood and PTSD with regard to domestic violence, I have never allowed a gun in my home. That's my form of gun control. The incident yesterday was where both elements combined with a trigger and an opportunity created an irreversible situation that is still rippling through many lives tonight.
Rin - I wish I could pour out my heart to you on this issue. I thought you got it 10 months ago. Perhaps, living back in that space where your habit of minimizing and excusing has you thinking it wasn't so bad. But dear, even before he burned the books, there were signals that said very clearly you were in danger even if you didn't feel like you were.
I'm glad to see that you've realized that you can't teach him a conscience. He knows how to win you over - he's done it before. But this time, Mimi is right - he has to hit his bottom without you trying to ease his pain. He has to feel it - all of it.
"Like Knights of old, let's fight to hold the glory of the Purple Gold. Let's carry through, let's die or do to win the game for dear old LSU! Keep trying for that high score--come on and fight, we want some more, some more! Come on you Tigers, FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT or dear old L-S-U! RAH!"
"Hey Fighting Tiger"
"Hey, Fightin' Tigers, fight all the way! Hey, Fightin' Tigers, win the game today. You've got the know how, you're doing fine, hang on to the ball as you hit the wall and smash right through the line! You've got to go for a touchdown, run up the score. Make Mike the Tiger stand right up and roar--ROAR! Give it all of your might as you fight tonight, and keep the goal in view! Victory for L-S-U!"
I'm always glad when OSU gets knocked off... they're a pain to deal with in our conference when they get the big egos going <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Sounds like you're doing well.. just keep your prayers and your eyes focused on Him and you will get the direction you need.
Thanks James...one thing I have learned through this whole process is that STBX is not the center of my universal...there are other things in life...wonderful things...
I may be considering Recon. for down the road...but one things I don't think you all understand is that I'm not settling...granted he has really stepped up to the plate with that boys and that is WONDERFUL! I'm glad that they have that, but FOR ME, I need more...
I have met some wonderful people and it has been hard to get use to be treated so well...it's still hard...I have learned alot about me even within the last few weeks...
I just don't want you guys to think that I'm going to settle, I wouldn't be happy and personally I've found that I like being happy...instead of angry and resentful all the time and If I settled then I would be right back to where I was to begin with...that's not a life!
Oh Yeah, OHio needed a little something, something! They are bleeding Purple and Gold today! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I was thinking maybe I don't know what "normal" is...so what's reasonable treatment from someone that loves you?
Does that question may any sense? When you are in a relationship with someone what should you expect?
I guess on my birthday, mother's day, etc...I didn't know if I was going to be getting something or not...is it wrong to expect that? Or a surpise gift, card, flowers from time to time? i didn't get that either...would have been awesome!
I don't think I even know what I'm trying to ask...
Now that I've set these expectations for what I want from a husband in my life, is it ok to lower them if they're about little things like gifts and tokens of affection which would mean that my EN for affection isn't met the way I'd like it to be?
My answer to that.. if what I'm reading is what I'm reading: No, it's not ok.
I'm sure over the time you've spent, you've come up with a pretty good list of things you'd like to see in a man.
I'd say take the top 10 most important of those, and toss the rest.
Either that, or look at your EN's questionnare.. take the top 5.. if he can't completely meet those top 5 needs, or you can't meet his.. you're settling if you stay.
love should make you feel like the special and unique person that you truly are.
Love is much more than a feeling...it is a choice that is backed up by actions that are always in the best interest of the person you choose to love.
Rin, I suspect strongly that what your H has given you is anything but love....turn what he has given you 180 degrees and most likely you would be able to define true love.
Rin, NORMAL is what got us all here in the first place.
The MB Plan is not really about NORMAL. It’s about doing the extraordinary to care for your partner and protect your boundaries. His Needs Her Needs, POJA, defining and protecting boundaries, the 15 minimum hours of contact etc..... All the things most of us were not doing before finding ourselves as destroyed newbie’s at the Gates of MB.
Rin, POWS did not commit adultery because he wanted to be alone and on his own. And now he is alone and guess what?; it’s time to be nice to Rin again. Start to be a Dad a little bit again? Coincidence? Probably not.
Rin, spend a few hours and reread your whole thread/s. Where have you really been and how far have you come. Rin, please be careful and protect yourself and your boys.
Okay, you know I said that i needed to do the ENQ again a while back...but I didn't I'm going to take it again today and REALLY LOOK at THAT!
Yeah, I can definitily say that my EN were not met...i'll have to take a look at which ones were not and which were were and put that together...
that will give me a good basis for anyone in my life...
I do know this I liked doing for him...I like doing for OP...it's the way I express myself...I got awefully tired of doing for him and not getting anything in return in my mind...
Thanks guys! I'm going to figure this thing out yet...I KNOW I'm not giving in...
I can be very stubborn and hard headed when I want to be and you know what -I want to be right now!-
Chris- I will do that...I happen to have printed most of my threads up until Sept.'s court date...I keep them in the trunk of my car...Two three inch binders...since you mentioned HNHN, perhaps I need to read that again also...
Oh, I spent a whole lot of time with him but it was not undivided attention...the kids, the TV, the computer, the MOTORCYCLE...something was always involved and I felt like he was uncomfortable spending time with JUST ME!
I got you Mimi...I'm thinking for my next R, this is strictly to know ME and what I need/want...b/c personally I believe that the growth he would have to achieve at this point in time is more than he can handle...to be with me!
It occurred to me that he is still falling and I can't impede that process...
I think that the reason I have been going back and forth on the process is BECAUSE he is familiar...
I'm going to get out of his way...i'm recapping this stuff for me...
yes, he came over last nigth, we watched the game...didn't tlak about anything else...course, I wasn't exactly happy that he was coming over anyway after reading the posts here...he was just taking up space as far as I was concerned...
We didn't sit next to each other...I won't have allowed that anyway...he ate, he watched TV, he played with the kids until it was their bedtime and he left immediately after the game...
I went about my life while he was there...i was Tming my mom and SD, a few friends... I checked my email...whatever...
He was TMing whoever...and I didn't care...I thought this is no different than before except I have a life now! ME, i'm different, not him, except with the kids...
needless to say that got me started thinking this morning...
I'm not doing a PBL...I got to see what I needed to...with you all's help! Thank you! I just need some more help getting where I'm going!
I can't relate to you having NO REACTION to him INVADING YOUR SPACE..gives me the shivers...
A MAN WHO HAS TREATED YOU SO BADLY, HAS NOT EVEN BEGUN TO APOLOGIZE can just sit there....
I am much more TERRITORIAL...
To me that is ICKY, Rin...
I could barely sit in the same room with my WH without my heart beating fast..I wanted to leap out of my skin..looking out for the WH to return... when we first began RECOVERY...
THE WALKING WOUNDED is what we were...
You seem so APATHETIC...
It's creepy to me...
You felt that you were FREE to do anything that you wanted with him sitting there..YUCK..
IMHOI, I agree with Mimi. He should not have that kind of access to you now...or ever. Frankly, I wouldn't trust him....nor would I want an abusive, cheater that has stolen from me sitting in my home watching a game.
I got bored with watching the game with him after awhile...
he agravated me about an hour into it when that Darn phone...
I even said something about him having a GF and he said that he didn't have one and kind of like rolled his eyes or made a face...I asked what the face was for and he said nothing...
I even said something I shouldn't have about him being on that phone enough tonight...he didn't like that either...
I told you guys I don't feel that I'm in danger anymore...he would have to be angry with me to begin with...he's not the type to JUST do something...the only time he has ever done anything he has been angry...i -KNOW- this man...I've spent the last 15 years with him...
i felt like I didn't know him when he was doing that stuff...
I think I gained some from last night and today...thank you! Perspective that is...
I agree that he was abusive, I agree that he is a cheat...i don't agree that he is dangerous...and I agree that he has taken/stolen things that didn't belong to him...most community property...
Rin, can you hear yourself getting defensive? I think what it is, is that we're wondering "what's the point" of all the recent interaction lately? Are you feeling him out? Seeing if it's the same? What are you doing?
IMHO, STBX coming back to you would look like this:
A broken man full of the heart knowledge of just how much damage he has caused his family by his actions. A man willing to do whatever it took to heal his family. A man who would be bending over backwards to woo Rin back to him. A humble man willing to give the shirt off of his back to make things right. A man who knows he is LOST without his family.
Not a man sitting on the couch texting on his cell phone and rolling his eyes when asked about a girlfriend. That kind of question wouldn't even be necessary.
I was feeling him out and I saw what I was looking for last night! That's what I meant by he was just taking up space...
i don't want someone who's taking up space...i thought I was being pretty clear and then I hear this stuff about him all over again...I knOW...yes, I'm getting defensive...i GOt it...
I even said I'm doing the EN for ME and my next relationship...
I DON'T WANT A MAN SITTING ON MY SOFA DOING WHAT HE WAS DOING...
I had to end that post quickly, my Fedex guy showed up...
That man (?) sitting of my sofa in not ENOUGH for me...I want someone who's in to me...who can care for me...that's what started the questions about expectations, and what I need...love...etc...
Being on his tuff, I saw alot of things, being on my tuff I saw same old same old...course, it started on my tuff bc I was comfortable that way...
So I'm sorry that I was getting defensive today...I may have a laps of judgement from time to time but I can see, you guys were right...
I'm just glad I didn't get my feelings hurt...expecting something that wasn't there...
Given your knowledge of him why even bother going where you are going with this.
IMVHO you should probably be focused on a D as quickly as possible.
If I were a betting man you are missing male companionship but also feel as though you are still married. That narrows down the group of men that you can ..... with down to one your STBX.
I think if you put time and space between you and he things will get easier for you.
Last night was just a dose of reality. IMVHO it is rude to sit around TMing people in the presence of others.
I can understand if it is business but it wasn't business.
I agree with MEDC I completely forgot about the tools he took.
So he burns your books, Makes you and the boys move out and share a single bedroom, doesn't maintain the home, steals your stuff, pays support late, I am probably missing some things but you get the point. So you invite him over for the game.
I think you have already devalued what you are worth to allow him your company outside of handing the kids off.
I finished the ENQ...right before your post...I got my top five ENs...
you said companionship, male compansionship...i.e. football...which I have always been big on...I like to play it, talk about it, joke about it...if I don't have someone to do that with, it's no fun for me...
I've been missing riding on the back on a bike too...
ANyway, there was more to it but I forgot what I was thinking in the process from work to picking up the kids to home...
About STBX calling, it was perfect timing...he asked if I was sick, i said no,( b/c I just started crying when I read your post, so my nose was running)...he said something about his day not being bad but he was tired...I interrupted and stated that I had been having a bad day the past two and it was primarily b/c he was back in my life and I can't handle that right now....
His tone changed to soft, concerned and said that was fine that he would stay away...suggested that I go home and love on the boys...we said goodbye and that was that...
So that's done...
lessons learned...I'm better...
Edited to say that STBX did apologize also saying that he didn't know if that was any consolation...
he said something about his day not being bad but he was tired...I interrupted and stated that I had been having a bad day the past two and it was primarily b/c he was back in my life and I can't handle that right now....
He's just talking to you about being TIRED..and you are talking about him being "back in your life"..that's what you call it?..and you are DIVORCING soon...
You don't owe him any kind of explanation...
He's lightheartedly talking about his day?
You don't seem to be getting this, Rin...
You TALK as if he hasn't HURT you or as if you have FORGIVEN him...
WHY?
What MOTIVATION does he have to CHANGE?
He ASSUMES that lighthearted conversation with you is OK?
What WORK is he doing?...YUCK..
Sorry, I do mean you well but he has me POed..THE AUDACITY OF HIM...
Oh... I think what Rin is doing is what a lot of us may have done at one time or another: We slap on the rose colored glasses once we glimpse just a LITTLE of what drew us to our spouse in the first place... or if out WS shows us a LITTLE of what we wanted from them, we were quick to jump back into the fire... thinking that maybe, just maybe it really wasn't that bad.
What happened, in my case, was that I quickly would see that the same WS that was so inconsiderate, was STILL so inconsiderate, he was just willing to cake eat, and lap up all of the good in me. Until I finally just told him that NO, he of all people was not going to get the BEST part of me.... Rin, I think that you have come a LONG, LONG way (you go girl! :-)) and I think that once you see what you would have to SETTLE for, it would no longer be appealing to you...
If you think about it, sitting there texting someone while he was at your house was rude. And if it was a new man, would you have tolerated it? NO, I am sure that you would not have. So PLEASE don't tolerate anything with him that you would not with anyone else! There is no shame in having standards for how you want to be treated....
I think that you are doing great..... Just thought I would give my 2 cents! :-)
Take a few steps back,,,,,,slow down,,,, breathe and Listen. Take time to really process. Step out of the interaction for a while and I think your vision will clear up.
Remember the Goddess you have become & the Standards by which Anyone is allowed to interact with that Goddess are now VERY high,,,,,,,,,,,,,because YOU, my dear, are Worth it!
Morning Mimi! I wasn't getting it no conpletely when you were posting...
I got, okay, not good for me, not good for him...then, I was thinking about what you were saying about ACOA...still not hitting me...
BUT with Sadmo's post, it hit me...I was accepting unacceptable behavior that I would not accept from a new person...I can see that in my new friendships and I was accepting it BECAUSE it was him...he was filling some ENs I didn't see...
I do see that he's headed in the right direction, and it's a matter of tough love...getting out of his way...getting out the way of myself...
I do see some remorse...BUT, a HUGE BUT, it's not enough...I failed to mentioned that he said if I needed anything that he was only a phone call away...that was in that tone sounding concerned and caring, that sound tone...heard DH in there...
Thing is the ENs he was filling aren't enough...I do want it all...I want not just one or two of my ENs filled by the person I'm with...b/c that WOULD be settling...I got to see that this round...
Example: with the LSU game, the only EN I got was RC...in the future, I want RC, Affection, Conversation, H&O, FC, DS, Affirmation...and that's just with that sitch...I want to have Financial security also...SF...
I need all 10 in order to be happy but I really see how the top five are important...I couldn't make that connection in the past when I thought about it...
I REALLY got to see what he does for me and what he doesn't do for me...
I understand that the Goddess attitude is not just about what you wear and how you feel about yourself...with OP I can have a red flag go off and say to myself, I'm not dealing with this person...well, red flags don't go off with him b/c I'm familiar with his behavior...I have accepted it for so long that it's "normal" (Took me a little while, huh, Mimi? I'm a little slow sometimes!)
Well, I need to step up to the plate and no longer accept that...So, I'm returning to my cave under the beautiful waterfall which will only have light to exchange information about the kids AT the time when he drops off...
Still not sure about that PBL, b/c you all think that he's dangerous...I still don't...but we won't go there...and it doesn't matter right now b/c I have no plans to be around him, to interact with him outside of the kids, no Powwows, no dinners, no nothing...
Now, all of this IS STILL SINKING IN...and it's not easy to see nor accept...
I'm sorry for my behavior yesterday...I was waiting to see what I needed to see and I saw it...I'm just glad that it didn't cause huge amounts of pain and hurt and send me reeling...
Not that it didn't hurt, I think anytime that I have a huge relevation that there's a certain amount of pain that goes with it but it wasn't unbearable...if that makes senses...
Like a few weeks ago when it really hit me ALL the damamge that I did in the M...
Oh, last Friday I called that realtor back to try to get her to come to the house so I can move forward with the property settlement and I haven't got anything back from her...so I'm going to contact another one ot two and try to get a move on with this thing...the one I contacted was recommended by my Aunt, but I know that since before the holidays...
I have 73 days left and I would like to have everything finalized ASAP...that way all we have to do is show up in court, agree to sign the papers and be done...
it's not full steam ahead but it's ahead...
:half smile:
Thanks to all of you! i know I'm hardheaded and stubborn at times...need to use that to my advantage instead of disadvantage in the future...I'm working on it!
So the point is this.....when the D is final you can go out, if you so chose and find a person to "hang out with".
The rose colored BLINDERS were on because you had some needs you wanted filled and he could only fill them.
So yes you are settling, but your choice is to settle for nothing or settle for a littl bit above that, your stbx.
In comparison that looks pretty good. If you wait though and don't get enmeshed and confused you will have more choices where settling won't be necessary.
You can have a person that will sit on the couch with you stroke your hair and watch the game with you. Without texting.
Possibly a man that already KNOWS how to take care of finances etc.
Now in all fairness some people aren't good with finances so if one person in the family is and the other doesn't mind that then things are fine.
YOu can find a man that loves motorcycles and enjoys riding but when there is a choice between a rally and a family function there is no question which he will chose.
You probably can't have those with the STBX though until he decides he needs to change and gets help to do so.
Frog- I wanted to break this down a little further for myself...
1st interaction: putting the trampoline together for the boys
RC- I like building stuff...he was in my terrority of what I like to do...
Phy. Attraction- he has always been handsome to me...
H&O/Conversation/Affirmation- he apologized for several things like: giving me a hard time about money and bills, said that he should have helped...apologized for the quality/quanity of time spent with the boys and me, admitted that he cleans up after himself now, admitted to living at the camper on and off, quilty/shameful look on his face when I mentioned my hurt/pain of knowing that he was still with OW...told me that I looked good in the clothes that I was wearing and that's what he was trying to tell me, that I needed to dress better (I always took it as being controlling but it was me being stubborn)...
Family Committment/Domestic support: he was there helping with something for the boys, cleaning up after himself when he got his coffee, told the told to get in the tub, was displincing them when he was there telling them not to talk to me that way, don't do that, listen up, etc...waited on them to get out of the tub, gave them hugs and kisses goodbye...
Affection- A hug when he left...thanked me for the time with us...respected my space...and I guess undivided attention goes in here...
This was the best interaction that we had for me and he said him too that it was great getting to know me again...
I have to look at the other interactions later!
Frog - I have always been better at money issues compared to him...I attribute that to me growing up poor I guess you could say and he grew up having, both parents worked as school teachers/principles...family had money to help out when something happened or he worked with odd and end jobs to get what he wanted, pay for his ins. , etc...
He knows HOW to work but not how to manage...I can do both!
Okay, I looked at the other interactions with STBX...
My problem is that I'm so giving where he is concerned...I come to his rescue b/c THAT'S who I am...always willing to offer help...HE IS UNDESERVING of my help...
The 2nd interaction he met 7 ENs: FC, DS, Phy. Attrac., Conversation, Affirmation and Affection...not to the BEST of his ability...most of the talk was about the kids Christmas presents, putting them together...he was spending time with us, undivided attention...I cooked breakfast for us, he shared in that, comments on how well I always cooked my eggs...good interaction until something sexual came up, my fault, and he said him too...then I replied with he had a GF...hence his comment about yeah, but I have a W too...and me replying with only for the next three months, MOF, 88 days...this was right before he left...we hugged and he tried to give me a peck on the lips but I turned my head and he got my cheek...
I was unwilling to let him met my EN completely b/c of the sitch...
3rd interaction: he called me asking if I would watch the boys for a few hours while he went pick up some things...asked if I had eaten, I hadn't, said he would bring me to go eat...Admitted after he returned that he and OW had broke it off...
I was unaware that he had to go to a friend's (our friend's, I had not socialized with since b/f I left!) to drop off the trailer first...good visit with them...he was Tming the whole time during the ride and in the restuarant...I said that I had phone calls to made too but was waiting until I got home to do it...
he said to go ahead...I replied that I was trying to give him my undivided attention...He said he was sorry and that sometimes you just had to remind men...he was doing fine with he owned it but screwed up by saying the thing about OM...Then he stopped with the TMing...
This was also the coldest night that we have had and he ran out of propane at the camper adn I had to save him so that my children would not freeze b/c he had no one else to call...
Only 2 ENs were met that day/night H&O, and Conversation...I had my graud up extremely high...
I'll start with the 4th interaction on my next post!
Yes but you understand you are comparing these interactions to air.
My point is based on your beleif that until the papers are signed you are M'd. Therefore you cannot get these needs filled by anyone of the male persuasion. (except STBX)
Anything looks better then nothing.
So I understand he seems to be trying. WHAT other then WORDS has he really done.
Quote
he apologized for several things like: giving me a hard time about money and bills, said that he should have helped
Has he offered you more money? How much EXTRA have you paid your attorney because of his actions. Retribution would be saying Rin I am sorry I was such a putz with the separation how much extra did the attorney cost because of that. It cost me 2k because you took the house etc. Rin I want to give you the 2k my actions cost you. How much have you spend getting the home back in shape? Becuase I want to make good on that too.
Saying sorry is easy, SHOWING SORRY takes work and follow through.
Quote
admitted that he cleans up after himself now
So do my kids. I bet yours do too!!!!
The point is you have done the work and noticed this now. He has a lot of work to do as well.
I see him charming his way back in without doing any heavy lifting.
Would you respect someone that let you back without making up for the wrongs you did them? I wouldn't.
No, I wouldn't respect that person and I see what you are saying about something being better than nothing right now...
On the apology that was for when we were together, not since I left and i see what you are saying there too..
Right along with Medc and Mimi about doing the work...returning things, etc...Actions...
Now my question is and lets see if I can word it correctly...
I know that it's in my nature to want to help people...give to them...I offer without them asking...How should I handle this in the future with him? B/c really due to my nature I am enabling him not to want to do better for himself, allow him to hit bottom...
And with that being said the other interaction are meaningless reguardless of what happened...
I’m writing to let you know that I love you with all of my heart. We have two super awesome little boys together and for this I will forever be grateful; however, I have been trying to hold on to you and I can’t do that.
I think that you are an awesome person who has made some extremely poor choices that has caused a world of damage to not only me, the boys, but our family and friends. It hurts too much to be around you knowing that you have not realized the extent on the damage that has been done. More than anything I would love to have you as my husband but that’s not what’s best for me right now, not the way that you are. I see a man who is trying to pull his life together but who still has so much more growth to do.
In order to have you as my husband I need the following things: Marriage counseling No Contact with any of Our Affair partners forever Individual counseling
It pains my heart to have to let you go but at this point I’m not good for you and you are not good for me. I want to give you my best and I want your best but I can’t see that happening right now. I appreciate you backing off and giving me my space but until you can accept my terms I would appreciate that contact be limited to email ONLY in regards to the kids, no more small talk, no more hugs, no more acting like we’re just friends, this only adds to the pain.
I don't like the letter and see no need to send it. Show him by your actions that you are not interested in spending time with him.
If you must write something consider something that doesn't say her is an awesome person...he's not...I also do NOT understand why you would say that you would love to have him as your H...he has done nothing to warrant this view.
All else being said Rin...IC is NOT batters therapy...he needs that and it will take a long time to complete...and frankly, there is nothing in this man's actions that has shown he is worth that investment of time.
My advice to you...simply, back off. Let your divorce run its course and focus on repairing YOU. Frankly, you are not a good candidate for a relationship right now...WHY? because it is important for you to have an understanding of what that will look like so that you are not just accepting someones crumbs.
Be still...focus on self improvement....
If you want to give the letter...just do the last paragraph...and skip the "with all my love" in the signature.
In order to have you as my husband I need the following things: Marriage counseling No Contact with any of Our Affair partners forever Individual counseling
What if he reads this and says okay I'll do it? What then? Do you let him move back in? Do you stop the divorce? Are you REALLY prepared to reconcile right now? What would you do?
okay..no letter to him...i was feeling it and had to write it down...
PM-D would still go on, no he could not move back in...i would do the same that I was asking him to do...
personally, I don't see him agreeing to the terms away...since I'm building myself today, I wasn't sincere when I wrote the other PBL...today's is sincere...
Today, i'm grieving...i'm doing my very best to let him go completely...why, b/c I have too!
The reason I asked that is because I did not require anything from my FWH when I allowed him to come home other than a desire to come home. (I didn't know anything about MB.) It took us much longer to recover than it should have. I got lucky because it could have been just more of the same. More hurt. More pain. More financial ruin. Eventually it all hit him like a ton of bricks... what he'd done. The idea scenario would have been for that to happen BEFORE I let him come home.
Thanks PM, the last couple of days has my self esteem all knotted up...I certainly feel like there something "wrong" with me these days...
i feel like I'm in a fight and I'm tired of fighting...
i've felt that way here...
Like MEDC...why do you say that you don't see me ready for ANY relationship that I need to work on improving self...
b/f the crushing blow I was thinking and looking at where I could go on my next trip into the world...visit another state that I haven't seen...NOW, I want to hide and blend back into the background and not be seen or heard...
MEDC- I'm having an extremely hard time talking, dealing with this...I want to shut down, not talk to people...but I know that's not what I need to do that I need to reach out but that's awefully darn difficult right now...
Frog- no, not starting...we had talked about what if something had happen to us years ago and I said that I wouldn't go out and find someone else b/c what if we ended up back together...that thought had BEEN in my mind all this time and I'm haivng a difficult time letting that go...
STILL hoping and wishing like I have ALL these years that SOMETHING would change...HA, still putting my life on hold in a way for HIM...BLAH! YUCK!
What makes him so important is the question I think that I need to get down to the bottom of?
The way I feel...which I can't describe that really well...but if I don't talk to people, I get to calm down and not feel that...the world is happy and bright again...
we had talked about what if something had happen to us years ago and I said that I wouldn't go out and find someone else b/c what if we ended up back together...that thought had BEEN in my mind all this time and I'm haivng a difficult time letting that go...
STILL hoping and wishing like I have ALL these years that SOMETHING would change
She's feeling this way 'cause she still has love for him and now has to go through WITHDRAWAL all over again..
The same WITHDRAWAL process that WSes have to go through after NC...
What you aren't getting I don't think, Rin..is that THE ONLY CHANCE, IMO, that you have for true reconciliation with him is for him to REACH HIS BOTTOM and he won't do that or REALLY CHANGE unless you do PLAN B.
Do you understand or buy what I am saying?
And in ALL FAIRNESS to someone else, Rin, you have to get over him..go through the WITHDRAWAL process and be finished with him..before you can REALLY move on...
Focus on yourself..your own PERSONAL GROWTH..without his interference..
My sponsor once told me that there is a reason why we have two ears and one mouth. Or I often hear, take the cotton out of the ears and put it in your mouth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Sometimes I say a prayer before I go into a meeting asking G-d to help me hear the messages that he wants me to hear.
I was reading your last few posts. Girl, you and I have such similar feelings and thoughts. There is no way I can offer any advice, however, I care and am reading along praying for you.
Do you feel defective? B/c that's the way I'm feeling at this particular moment...
I didn't feel that earlier and I haven't in a long time...when I think of being codependent...makes me think defective...being attracted to STBX, makes me think defective...
Just for this moment in time, I feel defective...at least I don't feel like I'm crazy anymore or have major anxiety, or feel that the weight of the world is on me...
I believe that I will hear something I need to hear...
Strivin, I'm sorry you feel defective. I think you're human. Now you see the best hours of STBX's time, instead of the worst. So it makes deposits.
One of best friends IRL is going through this same struggle right now. We had a party together the other night. He told us they were thinking about reconciling. I think he believes this. She says she feels so comfortable, so normal with him right now. He's the man she fell in love with again. She said it's easy to forget how dangerous things got.
How it was "her fault." How she "made him" do those things.
Then, she got a glimpse of the other side. He told her how she's so happy now. If she'd only "been like this" then, they would've been happy together. Been like what? Unafraid?
Hon, I'm so afraid for you. What happens if you let your guard down, and he schmoozes his way back in the way so many do? My mom is still married to her physically abusive husband after 23 years. He only stopped physically abusing her when my brothers got old enough to threaten him with physical harm if he lays a hand on her again.
I encourage you to put your knowledge of MB principles to work for you. Go dark, and let the darkness do its work. Let these recent deposits fade back into their true perspective.
Or at least wait until your H gives you real reason to think that you're safe now.
Do you have You Don't Have To Take It Anymore by Steven Stosny? It talks about how to know if he's changed. I found this at his compassionpower.com website:
If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have no doubt experienced "honeymoon" periods in the past when, driven by remorse, he seemed to change and everything was fine. The following will help you know that your partner is in the process of permanent change. You will feel that he consistently (every day): Values and appreciates you—you are important to him; Listens to you; Shows compassion—cares how you feel, even when you disagree with him; Respects you as an equal and doesn't try to control you or dismiss your opinions; Shows affection without always expecting sex; Regulates his guilt, shame, anxiety, resentment or anger, without blaming them on you.
I just felt that way earlier...I didn't feel that way when I admitted it...
I know GOd doesn't make junk...old stuff...too much old thinking today and I vow to stop this minute...
So, I went to my meeting, it was on mistakes...I listened...which it not normal for me...but on WEd. I bring the kids with me b/c we have just opened that meeting and few people attend plus they don't mind...
I didn't want to speak about my stuff in front of the kids...but and old timer, literaly said come on you must have something to say...and I thought about it...
SHe had said that sometimes we think that we want something but when we get it we reality that's not what we wanted at all and that's where I am...-I- thought I wanted something but there lies the fantasy...
I want what he can't not give and I was okay with that...I have to become okay with that again and it won't take me long...I think that I accept most things well...I realize I'm stil grieving what I had and what I thought I had...
It's the letting go...that's the hardest part...I wrote a new prayer for him this morning...
Love -is- a choice! I'm chosing not to love a man who chose not to love me the way I need to be loved...I'm making a conscience effort...
I learned alot today about ENs and ME...I can choice to allow someone to meet my ENs or not...I know what they are and in what order they are...
I'll be alright...
Hiya Ears,
Thank you for popping in...I'm dark again...as of yesterday...so have no fear Rin's here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I'm being corny b/c that's all I ahve right now...and that doesn't happen often either...
I don't have a whole lot to say right now...tonight...big day...last three days have been a battle for me...
You know it's really hard to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of what I had...I tell myself often that there's someone out there that will love me the way I need to be loved...deserved to be loved...but I don't TRUELY believe that...YET...I know it's there somewhere...
Can't think about that either right now, b/c that's in tomorrows...not today...
Today, I'm finishing my art project I got for Christmas from my mom, going to read a little, and who knows what else...
Pray...God's will...live in the solution and not the problem...the problem is not codependency, the solution is knowing and sticking to me...
I LOVE the sound of that!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
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I tell myself often that there's someone out there that will love me the way I need to be loved...deserved to be loved...
The FIRST person that has to love you is YOU. Remember, RIN is HERE and that comes first. No one can love you until you love yourself...that you stand up for YOURSELF..that you don't allow YOURSELF to be MISTREATED.
In a way I'm still going through that cycle because I won't let my husband reach his bottom because of the implications for me.So I grapple with my money fear... alone...
Okay, Watch out GUYS and GALS...I'm back in full force...I went to bed kinda of early for me and I've been sitting here, finished my srt project, and been thinking...
Well, the old Rinster will be adding to STBX suffering ASAP...I was actually hoping that STBX would screw up come tax time b/c it benefits me more...well, he had...he has gotten himself into a finacial bind that I have been sitting back and watching the NSF letters flood the mailbox...he's had about 13 or so come in...anyway, last Wed. he announced that he would be late on CS...that he could give it to me this coming Friday...
Which is fine, but if I don't get it Friday, I will be calling my lawyer about it AND I file my taxes ASAP every year...according to our law b/c of the income that he provides to the kids, I can not claim them unless he is behind...so if he's not current by the time that I'm ready to file, guess what!
That's right!
I also mentioned earlier today that I have been waiting on this real estate lady since before the holidays...she had some family issues and we proposed well, I figured I would wait until after the holidays to call back to remind her. Well, I did and she had not returned my phone call so tomorrow I will be calling to get someone out here ASAP...
It's amazing how quickly I bounce back these days...
As far as loving Rin, what's not to love! I mean I am as unique as my name and there are far and few women who are like me with the talents and skills that I have...I may not embrace all of me from time to time and struggle with not liking my shortcoming, especially when they get in my way or I'm just being plain out stubborn and wanting what I want when I want it...
I COULD go into a REALLY LONG LIST OF WHY I love myself these days but -I know- and that's enough...
So like I said I'm up and running...I'm still not comfortable with everything that has occurred, dealing with my filter of the future, but I know that I have to stick with today and not even throw myself there...the past three weeks has been all about the future...and what if's...well, what if's don't work for me...I'm going to have to flush another what if piece of paper down the toilet AGAIN!!!
Stop worrying about the grass being green and deal with that one day at a time...one step at a time...(Did I just hear MEDC whisper that's right? NO WAY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )
I'm feeling really strong and confident right now...I can stop kicking myself and just deal with it...I saw what I wanted to see and I didn't like it...Ce la Vive!
I have alot to accomplish with this property settlement so I need to keep my eye on the ball...tuck and run! Head down with the sole purpose of crossing that goal line! So, I took a pretty hard hit, dazed and confused me, I learned alot in the process...Lesson learned from the mistake...AGAIN CE LA VIVE!!!
(((KA))))
I'm sorry that you ahve to make that choice...Tough love huh?
Mimi- I guess that standing up for myself will come more in time...I know that taking my trip to Atlanta and having to make my way through that city alone the first day was HUGE stuff for me! The confidence I gained from that! Remember I mentioned wanting to take another trip, well, I DO, and I'm looking for the end of Feb. beginning of March! That's what that trip did for me...I'm no longer afraid to do something like that on my own!
I want to see snow, huge amounts of snow, well, maybe not HUGE amounts...but enough! LOL I want to see the mountains! Not rolling hills like I have! I stick with STBX and I can just throw that stuff out the window...
:mumbling: him and his toys...
Alright I need to get back in bed! if I can say anything affect me more, it's my lack of sleep! I'm the Queen of POWER naps! 15 minutes and I'm go to go...well, maybe with a cup of coffee sometimes!
MOF, I'm going to treat myself to Starbuck's tomorrow, I haven't had that since Atlanta...maybe not tomorrow but before the weekend is up...I surely will not sleep if I do it tomorrow evening!
Okay, off to bed, with my faithful companion! SHe's a trader to OS these days and can do without YS pouncing on her! She loves her momma!
:shruggin: And why not? She spends more time with me than them!
Morning! Thank you everyone...PM, I look forward to seeing what that holds also...
LA, told me that she thought I was dwelling before Christmas and she was right! So, I'm still struggling with that but I'm working on it...no more what if's...that just slows me down...
EO- I've done alot of footwork in the past two days...not easy stuff...I didn't understand that plan B is TOUGH LOVE and I would rather learn that now then when something happens with the boys...it's not easy to get out of the way and allow people to fall...I hear it all the time but this is my first experience with it...
Sis- I'm just learning now what you seemed to have already learned...LOL...you know my SD told me several times that I'm learning stuff he's just now learning at his age, 65! WOW, huh? I take that as a good for me, pat on the back type thing...so thanks for the support...the reminders of where I need to be to keep on the straight and narrow...very blessed to have wonderful friends like you guys even when it's difficult to hear...
Skins- LOL, I'll give you the short list:
1) I am mechanically inclined and am able to troubleshot 2) I have a propensity to work with work, built things, put things together, take them apart, see how things work... 3) I love hard 4) I'm smart, both street smart and book smart. 5) I'm a quick learner from my POV 6) I'm beautiful, I use to think that I was average, today I don't... 7) I love football, hunting, the outdoors...that's wonderful things about me! 8) I don't mind getting dirty, working on a car, cutting grass, etc., but at the same time I can dress for the ball, which I have to find someone who has tickets this year so I can go! I already have a dress! WHOO HOO!!
There you go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Now, you have to share eight things about yourself that you love! LOL
MOF, if everyone would like to do that here that find with me...I might learn something else about myself that I love! Guys, YOU are included in that invitation to share! LOL
hey EO, no I don't have that book but I did put it on my wish list...I have a line of books...
i think that I will head over to the used book store and pick it up b/c if I don't I will forget about it in the future and not get it...this way I will have it at home and it will serve as a reminder...
i'm not reading as much as I use to b/c life is easier and my awareness is greater...
So thanks for the suggestion...
OT, i called another realtor and this time there's going to be a small fee for getting it done, but she will be calling me to come over Sat. She wants to work on that this weekend so I might have that ready to go for Mon./Tues...then I have to figure out the next step...
I also talked to my Mom and she was asking for a favor which I couldn't do, so I explained the sitch and she's going to help me out with some funding which is in relation to STBX and CS, the stolen money from my trip, and a few other things...
So, I've got things in forward motion...back to focusing on me, I mean REALLY FOCUSING ON ME...not like I thought I was...
Now, you have to share eight things about yourself that you love! LOL
1. I love my growing relationship with G-d. 2. I love that I haven't keeled over and died, but continue to forge ahead each step, whether I really want to or not. 3. I love my ability to love my WH even though he probably doesn't deserve it. 4. I love football and lacrosse. 5. I love that I have almost lost 80 lbs. 6. I love reading and learning about things 7. I love my adventure and spark for life 8. I love that I am a girl and like boys, and I like to be treated like a lady. I just wish I had someone who does that.
Your strength just glows today. I need to really go back and read your story. I need much inspiration today. I'm just kinda in that place where you were yesterday.
1. I am damn good looking 2. I am great with kids. 3. I have a way with people. 4. I am persistent in accomplishing my goals. 5. I am a great father. 6. I am a great husband. 7. I keep my life in perspective. I am no more or less important then anyone in this world except to the people who know and love me. 8. I am an intlegnt, intalegent,itelecutual, oh a smart guy with a great sense of humor.
1) I raised wonderful young men. 2) So, I'm a GREAT mother. 3) I'm fun-loving, lots of FUN. 4) I am talented in MUSIC. 5) I am a peacemaker. 6) I live a Christian life. I love the LORD and PRAISE HIM. 7) I am intelligent and well-read. 8) I am "PRETTY" inside and out.
1) I am closer to God than I ever was before. 2) I am far more patient than I ever thought I was. 3) I'm stronger than I gave myself credit for. 4) I'm ok for the first time with not being 'right' all the time. 5) I'm devoted to my wife and children. 6) I work hard at my job and enjoy it. 7) I am a good cook. 8) I am a talented musician.
WOW, SG! YOU ARE TRuELY AMAZING!!!! pat yourself on the back! 80lbs., a growing R with your HP...WHOO HOOOO!!!
how bout' thinking of yourself as a WOMAN, not a girl? And you don't like boys, you like MEN, REAL ONES, WHO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND ALL THOSE OTHER GREAT THINGS!!!
Think it and you will believe it! think it often! Write a note! Spray paint it for all I care! LMAO
As far as my story, I need to post a link to the orginial...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'll be a vet before long! LOL
1. I am damn good looking 2. I am great with kids. 3. I have a way with people. 4. I am persistent in accomplishing my goals. 5. I am a great father. 6. I am a great husband. 7. I keep my life in perspective. I am no more or less important then anyone in this world except to the people who know and love me. 8. I am an intlegnt, intalegent,itelecutual, oh a smart guy with a great sense of humor.
LMAO...THAT's why we get along!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Two peas in a pod...good looking, sense of humor, great parents...
How's the wifie by the way? I'm all about some babies...OP's that is... LOL...When she due again?
Mimi, you are more than welcome! great moms think alike..it's that what they say...i aspire to be more like MIMI... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
james- Good stuff man...you and Mimi got that music stuff going on...
i'm a singer...I LOVE TO SING!!! BUT I haven't worked up to singing in front of a crowd or anything...high school thing...I WAS in the chorus...
I'll be so glad when I get home today...it's an interesting day here at work...
oh, I did go to the bookstore but EO, they didn't have a copy of that one on hand so I'm going to order it...I did pick up a few other ones...five total...two more al-anon books, a co-dependent one and another on emotional abuse...
Rin!!! You are sounding like yourself again... I am SO HAPPY!
I will also get on the '8 things' parade...
1. I love that I was able to recover after my D, and become ME again 2. I love that I now know HOW to have fun, whether it be with my kids, or friends, or by myself 3. I love that I have been able to transform myself to be TRUE to myself 4. I love that I judge people on how they ARE, not how much money they make, or what color they are, or how much school they have 5. I love that I am loyal as heck to people (THAT DESERVE IT) and they are just as loyal to me 6. I LOVE the fact that I can tell my family members that I LOVE THEM, even though that is something that is normally "not done" 7. I love the fact that I am doing just fine without my EX, and that I have made changes in my life that have caused me to be happier (like get a new cat, when the EX would NEVER have allowed it) 8. I love the fact that my girls are seeming to be fine, and that they have adjusted ok to the D. I think that I did a good job with it.
how bout' thinking of yourself as a WOMAN, not a girl? And you don't like boys, you like MEN, REAL ONES, WHO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT AND ALL THOSE OTHER GREAT THINGS!!!
Think it and you will believe it! think it often! Write a note! Spray paint it for all I care! LMAO
YOU ARE RIGHT. I am WOMAN and I like MEN, REAL ONES. AND ONE DAY - G-D WILL BLESS ME WITH ONE. AFTERALL, I AM A GROWING, WELL REDUCING IN SIZE PROVERBS 31 WOMAN.
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I have the kid's report cards that I need to copy for him, I'll figure some way to get it to him without seeing him...
Ok, I KNOW about this. In my district we have a database program that allows for family access to grades, etc. Do you know if you have something like that? Or you could ask the school to give you a copy, hand them an addressed envelope and ask them to send it. I do that for parents in my school when prompted.
SG- Good JOB!!! On the report card, we just started with the program on the computer, I'm going to bring it to work and make a copy then it will I guess have to wait until he drops of the kids or I'm wondering if the school will email it to him...is that possibile? It would only be OS's, YS's was still handwrote...kindergarten...
I've given him the forms to change his address but he hasn't done it yet...he would have to get a P.O. box...I can't make him...
Well, off to bed, I was headed that way earlier but got caught up in something...like normal!
I'm wondering if the school will email it to him...is that possibile?
If they are putting the grades online, then yes they could email him a copy. Or they could scan a copy of the report card and email it that way, or if the teacher is doing the report online, they could or the office could convert it into a pdf file and email it to him.
Or if none of that is possible, ask them to make a copy and leave it in the office for him to come by and get. If you are in Plan B, have the intermediary let him know he can pick it up.
My office will help anyone out as much as we can. Of course, Starbuck cards go a way longer way, but seriously talk to a secretary and ask her what options are available.
As SG says, talk to the school about options on getting him the grades. There is the option to let HIM worry about it, you know?? Chances are he isn't even aware it's that they are getting their report cards. Just send a copy with them next time he is scheduled to have them. Don't overload about it.
Morning bugs! I'm just going to make a copy and be done with it! Like I have in the past, b/c you're right, he's probably unaware of it being report card time...
I have been reading back over my threads since Chris recommended it and a few people have asked about my story...
Now, that I see how ENs relate to me and actually sat down and figured out which ENs STBX fillfulls for me, not to mention putting the "wanting what's BEST" together...then reading a section in this new book, on Second best...
I'm working hard on coming to terms with the fact that I have settled...from my POV, he did too apparently...but he's neither here nor there...his stuff...not mine...
Fact is he could met my needs but it wasn't to the way I needed them to be...ALL THE TIME...and for a GOOD, GREAT M, I need that ALL THE TIME...not just half the time...or half @ss...
I haven't had any desire to call or contact him...no loneliness feelings...not unhappy feeling b/c he's not around...nothing like that at all...Mimi mentioned that I would have to go through withdrawal again and I'm looking for that stuff...
thing is I am happy with him not being around, I'm not constantly waiting for the ball to drop, when am I going to stop getting what I need...like I was waiting to see when he was around this last time...I didn't know what I was looking for at the time but when I saw it, I knew...
I always said that he was "never" there for me...partly true...he was there for me HALF OF THE TIME...and when I really needed him it was half of what I needed, or not the way I needed so it wasn't good enough for me which set the ball in motion for me building anger and resentments...my bad attitude affected him and the dance began...same thing with his stuff I'm sure...
Fifteen minutes left to throw me together For Mr. Right Now, not Mr. Forever Don't know why I even try when I know how it ends Lookin' like another "maybe we could be friends"
I been leavin' it up to fate It's my life so it's mine to make
I ain't settlin' For just gettin' by I've had enough so-so For the rest 'a my life Tired 'a shootin' too low So raise the bar high Just enough ain't enough this time I ain't settlin' For anything less than everythang (yeah)
With some good red wine and my brand new shoes Gonna dance a blue streak around my livin' room Take a chance on love and try how it feels With my heart wide open, yeah, you know I will Find what it means to be the girl Who changed her mind and changed the world
I ain't settlin' For just gettin' by I've had enough so-so For the rest 'a my life Tired 'a shootin' too low So raise the bar high Just enough ain't enough this time I ain't settlin' For anything less than everythang (yeah)
Needless to say, I liked this song b/f the past wekk but it means something deeper to me now...in the past I have questioned whether or not I settled for him, and now I have the information to say yes, I DID!
I think that I did my best, tried to talk to him about it, figure out what the problem was, make the changes, but it never lasted or I just felt that I wasn't heard that it didn't matter...
So this morning, I'm not down in the dumps but I'm not smiling happy either...I'm just kind of...hmmmm....blue...and that's okay...I'm good with that...
Morning SL! I hope that you are doing well in your recovery...
I wrote a little note and posted it to my computer this morning so that I can see it everyday...
It reads: You settled the first time; don't make the same mistake! You deserve the BEST!
I'm almost finished reading this book called: Encouragement for the Emotionally Abused by Beverly Engel
It's a really good little book and I haven't wanted to put it down...it looks at our childhood, the messages that we send, and just encourages...
I see why NEDC said I need to work on me and no deal with another R, and you know I'm okay with that...I really don't want anyone in my life right now...I kind of like it the way it is...I like having the closet to myself, cooking whatever I want, not having to share my space, and all those little things that I have come to love...
I'm not feeling blue as much as I was, it wasn't a BIG blue feeling anyway...I can't "punish", for lack of a better word right now, myself for something that I didn't know I was doing...
I went from the abusive home straight to college...in a R to R with STBX...and I realize that I was trying to stop enabling a long time ago b/c it just wasn't working for me anymore, but there was no reason for STBX to change...like Frog said he had it made...I created that from the beginning b/c that's what I was taught...women generally are...
STBX actually encouraged me to visit my family that was local, encouraged my to dress better(I took that the wrong way!), encouraged me to made friends (I felt I couldn't, didn't know where to start, was afraid to go places, etc.)...
I'm still looking at the voilence that occurred at the end of our M...STBX had a strong belief in not hitting women, i think that was b/c he had to protect his mom a few times, but I'm not really sure he didn't talk about his childhood alot...
I think part of my fear was a result of my childhood...there was one time when things got out of control at my home growing up and my SD had me pinned to the wall with his hand(s) around my throat...that was a really bad day...my mom took the phone and raked it across his chest...I think he was drunk but I don't remember...later he came to me and said look what you did to me...I said I didn't do that your wife did...he had some pretty bad cuts across his chest...
There were a few other times when him an I got into it...I think that part of my fear with STBX and what he was doing played into my anxiety of the sitch and what he was doing...I remember not being afraid when he punched the wall...I remember telling him that I would not be afraid of him any longer and what I meant was speaking my mind...afraid of him being angry...I didn't want to back down just because he was mad at me...
I wasn't afraid when the glass broke and things went flying across the room...I remember saying in a very calm voice that I was not going to clean it up...
Now with my books, I remember the fear I had that he would take then away, hide them, burn more of them, so for some time I was hiding them, taking them with me...books have always been precious to me...I have used them as a means to escape in my childhood b/c I felt that the only way out of my environment was to go to college...
Talk about turning a bad sitch into something good huh?
I'm not excusing his behavior, he should not have done the things that he did...I'm just trying to figure out if I let my fear get the best of me...of course, it did propel me to leave and that has worked out...I was truely afraid of Plan B...
I knew that I could care for myself and the boys...but that didn't stop the fear...what would people think played into that too...I was afraid to leave that was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do...it was truely standing up for myself and saying OKay, I've had enough and I can't take this anymore...standing up for myself was sooo extremely scary...
And I have to wonder why? The answer I get is because when you have stood up for yourself in the apst, you were "forced" to do what you didn't want to do and standing up for yourself didn't matter so why should it matter this time...what I wanted was unimportant...I was taught this...all of the fight was taken out of me as a kid and that didn't change until recently and I struggle SOOO much with that...
I'm worth standing up for myself...if I say no, then I mean no, and I have to stick with it and not back down...
Out of all the wonderful things about me this is the hardest part...this is the one thing that I have to work on more than anything in my life...
When I left, I did it for my kids b/c I had a hard time doing it for me...i was more afraid of staying then I was of leaving... fear propelled me...
So, I'm feeling pretty good about what I've shared...i want to look at where I'm minimizing the end of our M...I need to do that for me...I need to know the truth...
I find it helpful to STAY OUT THE PAST and to BE HAPPY in spite of my unhappy childhood.
I don't think about it anymore because it interferes with MY PRESENT...making a NEW SELF..a NEW LIFE...
I do have an OBSERVATION. He BURNED the books. He could have just thrown them away or taken them away. The BURNING PART would be SCARY for ANYONE! Doncha think?
yes, that was the day I announced that I was thinking about a separation...he asked why and I said that it was because he refused to give me NC, and didn't want any part of MC...
I left and went to the park...there was some Tming...I don't remember what, then someone called the other and that's when I found out my books were burned...I couldn't wait to get home to see if it was true...
he felt they were a threat...man hating books...MOF, I didn't go straight home b/c I was avoiding him, but I did past by the house on the way to town...I was going to the bookstore...he saw me and followed me so I stopped the car and we talked...he asked where I was going...I told him...
He wasn't happy but he was on his way to work...still working night shift...when I got home...I gathered the evidence and put it in a ziplock bag, put it in my car and kept it at work for the longest time...until I gave it to my Lawyer as proof...I felt that I had to hold on to it and anything else I could b/c no one would believe me...
WEll, STBX doesn't even have to be around to LB these days...and it completely wipes everything I was feeling out of the water...
I got a letter in the mail today from about his truck note...guess he's in a bigger bind then I thought...the truck will be in repo mode this coming Friday if he doesn't come up with $1247 dollars...the last time it was paid was 11-27...
There's no denial in that for me...I NEED to feel secure and he can't provide that and I'm fixing to kick his butt in court again with the settlement...also, NO CS today...
Then had the nerve to TM and ask how we were doing and what the boys were up too...so I fixed that...I had the boys call him...then I was nice enough to speak with him and DROP the bomb on him...only mentioned the letter and the mail he has here with his copy...he said something about coming by tomorrow...I said that it was outside all day today in case he dropped by....
No mention of CS from him, so I hung up! I'm pissed and I want this settlement over with even faster, that truck is in my name too...I WILL BY CALLING my lawyer Monday about the CS and getting that paperwork on the house over as quickly as possible!!!
I'm up to par now baby! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Catching up with you rthread makes my head spin! You have been on one heck of a roller coaster ride.
What ever happened to detachment, disentanglement .... seems like STBX is pushing a lot of your buttons recently, first one way then the other. You've gotta get those buttons back under your own control, girl. His behavior, his problems, his issues, his calls, his txts .... they're supposed to be losing their control over you. Hopefully getting back into some Plan B darkness will help that a little.
Good Morning! I guess I have still been on a rollercoaster...but it hasn't really felt like that to me because the feelings haven't been as intense...you know?
It's been more on an even keel, except for when I was wanting to pull away from everyone...
I don't think that he's been pushing the buttons, I think that I have been pushing my own with my thoughts, dwelling on the future and the past...that wishful thinking...
Like someone here told me: Wishin' in one hand and sh!tin' in the other...this is me doing to me...wishing things would be different is fantasy world, I have always struggled with that...I was always wishing that he would change...I remember thinking that when he got older he would calm down, mellow out...be a better husband and father...
A hurry hasn't gotten me anywhere, wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere, well, standing my ground has and I have to stick to that!
I need to get me back under control...my focus had gone a rye..I need to be pragmatic...concentrate on what I need and want...
So, the goal here is getting the best...the best life that I can have with or without someone in my life...right now, I have the best life that I can have...by myself...and Frog was right...everyone was right...I would rather have nothing than take second best...No settling!
I have worked hard to get to where I am today...I have learn so much...I thing the main thing in my life is that the world doesn't revolve around sex...God, the things that I have learned...I'll never graduate from the school of life...ever changing and growing...
I lost my drive for a little while...but I have that back...that's what I lose and need to stand up for myself and my kids...we deserve nothing less and I have to keep on THAT track...
I know what I need to do it's focusing and pulling myself back on the straight and narrow when I start to veer...
So, what's the plan for the week. I hear you saying you are calling the attorney about the truck issue, the CS, and are you pushing thru on the D, too?
Refresh my memory,,,what's the timeline right now on that?
Also, what's your plan for communication with WS moving forward? Are you going to allow and continue to respond to calls & TMs. or are you going to go dark?
Again, don't go jumping into actions without thinking about the longer term plan & all that needs to go with that.
LOL...I'm doing great! Tomorrow I will call my Attorney and let them know about the truck and CS...Yes, I'm pushing on...
I have 69 days, LOL...that includes today! Sat. the lady from the real estate and she will have the paperwork done this week on the house so I can push on with the property settlement...
As far as STBX, I Happen to have a conversation with him last night, he was talking about "doing what ever"...MC...whatever...everything was going fine until he tried to blame me for the mess that he created and that raised my blood pressure a little and I basically gave him PLAN FU...
Told him that I was not settling for the crumbs that he has handed out all these years...That if he couldn't step up to the plate and be the man that I needed him to be than I would rather have nothing...I laid into his @ss and didn't let up...I told him that I had done the work...read the books...asked for MC...regreted my past mistakes...done my best to make amends for them adn he hasn't done [censored]...
Words from him were crap and that I wasn't the person that he was use to dealing with...
I was able to notice that there was a great sense of calm in be and that if felt good to say exactly what was on my mind...to tell him that MY life was good because I was doing the things that I needed to do...that MY life was good b/c I had a relationship with my BOYS...that I didn't worry about money anymore b/c I wasn't cleaning up HIS [email]CR@P[/email] anymore...
So basically it was a FU b/c I don't need you!
I haven't heard from him since and I'm okay with that! I don't even care, what I do know is that I felt GO GREAT getting all of that off my chest...saving all of those things that I so badly wanted to tell him all these months...It was so freeing...
MY PLAN...to go on with MY LIFE...to take care of me and to take care of the boys...that's my long term plan!
Yes, I was...I can't believe how freeing that was for me...I felt so good about myself and what I said...
Still no word from him and I like it that way!
The boys and I had a great weekend...YS was invited to a b-day party yesterday from his "best" friend in class and we all were...the big bounce houses indoors...they had a blast...and I did too watching them...I got to meet some of the parents in his class...and that was good for me too!
In the past I wouldn't have done something like that before...to afraid but I felt good yesterday...and I enjoyed myself!
Burning is making sure that the information is GONE. And that YOU KNOW its GONE. And we celebrated over the remains.
What did you mean that we celebrates over the remains?
He had tried hiding "The PA Man!" Lied about it not coming in, hid it in the top of the closet, then I found it, conformed him...
All I can do is shake my head at his behavior...
Thanks, LG, I have no intensions of backing down and settling, given my past behavior, he could be pushing for that same response from me...I'm not that little afraid child anymore who's actions hinged on his response to me...
I'm a "GROWN WOMAN" with a mind of her own to feel and think for herself now!
yeah, come to think of it, he did say once that it made him feel better at the time!
I went back and was reading AmI's Plan F-U...nothing like mind...I remember BC's plan F-U was nothing like mine either...
I guess it's that breaking point where we actually say everything that's on our mind and we're just tired of all of the FOG...the cr!p that they keep dishing out...
In the past two days, I have had several people said that something looks different about me...I don't know what that could be...but apparently it's a good thing!
Oh, LG, can you check out SG's, skinsgal, thread, she would like to go out big with Plan A...perhaps some thougths if you can manage... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Same thing for you BUGS, you did an awesome Plan A...IMHO...
Good Morning! I was reading over the beginning of my story and can't believe that I was that lost...that crazy lost, it's a wonder I could get dressed in the morning!
A real sucker too...IMHO...all the lies...the helpless feelings...what I thougth I was doing verses what I was doing...
Jesus!!! I can see alot of things that I didn't at the time adn I can remember reading from Frog that STBX had it made...so why would he want to change...I was SOOO wrapped around him...didn't know what was really up or down for me...wanted that quick fix to make me feel better...
I was so desperate...
If anyone read my beginning and has any comments, I would love to hear what you have learned, see, etc...I think that there's alot more to learn from this past experience for me...I'm not really kicking myself about it, I was in fact doing the best that I could at the time...
Anyway, today is a good day...I feel good, I've in Diva Dress Code...I got an email from the realtor last night asking me for some more information on sq. ft. and I should have that report this coming Thurs.
I did call my attOrney and gave them an update, once the house stuff is done, we'll figure out what the next step is!
Well, this afternoon is not so good...I was reading through some of my old posts and had to stop..
Then, I went to my email and ran across some stuff that STBX and OP had emailed back and forth and that set me off some...so I'm a little pi$$ed off right now...
I know that it's part of the dwelling but you know sometimes I think that it needed to keeping moving forward...to be reminded what things were really like...
It's kind of like one of MJB's song where she saying something like "when you're in love and you only see the good"...
I wrote a prayer for myself this morning and posted it on my desk...basically, it's to ask for help in my recovery, to see what actually is, help with getting on with my life, to be the best person that I can be, and to help me find someone who will treat/respect me in the future...to continue to help me love people and trust God...thanking him for everything that I have and everything that I don't...
Thanks...I think that I just want to sit with my feelings right now...
I actually feel like conforming him but that's not what I'm going to do...
I'm just going to be with my feelings...I just thought that I would own them here...i'm feeling hate for him...I know that not a Godly felling to have forward someone...
South of New Orleans...about 45 minutes to the west of the fish bowl!
I actually went on break and I'm reading this book called Genesis, it's for Children of Alcoholic and other Child of trauma...it's about spirituality in recovery and it just so happens that I needed to read what I did...
James, I will do just that! The thought that has been replaying in my mind is: he can't be honest with himself, how can he expect to be honest with OP?
That right there is taking his inventory and that's a complete NO, NO!
So, I know what I need to do and that's return my focus back to me...so...
let's think about some positive things, shall we:
I am diva material today, blessed to have the wonderful clothes on my back...
I have a good job...
I have been supporting myself and doing what I need to do for myself adn my kids...
Nothing BAD has happen since I left...
I have been blessed to listen to my MP3 player all day until a sec ago when the battery died...
My dryer hasn't completely gone out yet...that's a plus...
I don't have to deal with a fogfilled, wayward, low down, scum sucker everyday anymore...that a miricle in itself...
I am happy and smile ALL the time these days...
I was able to have a wonderful Christmas with just me and the boys and AN EVEN BETTER NEW YEAR'S, all on my own...
I have confident in myself and respect for myself these days...
That's making me feel better...Oh, and Thanks SG and James...I really appreciate the help...it's easy these days when you can recognize that you are in a flat spin and know what you need to do to pull yourself out!
I'm pretty sure that getting a notice from the credit union that STBX's truck is with that I have a certified letter waiting to be picked up at the post office did not help set my mood...
That's one thing that really will set me off...the bills not being paid...I will be SOOOO happy when that and the Motorcycle are not in my name...
Then I will not have to be concerned with what HE IS DOING TO MY CREDIT...that in itself REALLY CHAPS MY HIDE!
According to STBX that will all be taken care of this week, just like I'm suppose to be getting CS this Friday, AGAIN!!
I know you're in the middle of Plan D, but what's the day-to-day, overall guiding plan?
It seems like having a plan, with a goal, would help when you get in the mood to confront him (like you were in earlier) or run into frustrating things like notices about late payments, old e-mails, triggers, etc.
What's your ultimate, big goal? I think the goal makes a big difference, will help you decide how to react to things like late payments and old triggers and new information and late CS. I think a good goal and a strong plan to get there makes things feel a lot less unstable and reactionary .... much more under your control.
WEll, I think that the best thing is to have contact only in regards to financial and kids issues...most of the kid issues I can handle myself...
And the financial issues will hopefully end in the near future once everything is settled...get things out of my name/his name...
I'm not sure what you mean about day to day plan...I am in a plan b with some light...I'm okay with that... He has to come by here to pick up the cert. notice to get his letter...I plan to ask him getting a P.O. Box...if not then he can just get his mail when he drops off the kids...
I can say this that from his actions and recent talk about MC, and blah blah blah, that he does not want to disentangle our lives...I'm still pushing for it...
Let's see a plan for when I want to confront him...come here, write it out, list the positive things...just b/c I want to confront him doesn't mean that I am...I've been pretty good about that in the past since I left and I can hold true to it...
I don't see it as being something that is good for me besides it's giving my power away in the long run, letting him know that he is affecting me if I do confront...
I think that I did well today...it didn't last long...maybe an hour...I noticed that I was getting frustrated reading my old post and stopped...told myself that's about all that you can handle...of course, that was after lunch and I had already got the notice in the mail...so the notice was the trigger...
Ultimate big goal...to get this D over with so I can get on with my life...
I'm still holding on to those email but they are tucked away...I can't seem to part with them or some other things b/c it proves that I'm not crazy...when I start doubting myself I can go back to those and validate myself...reassure that it did happen that way...
I'm sure that I will get better with that in the future and not need that validation...just sometimes self doubt sneaks in and I have to prove it to myself...effect of being told my whole life I did not hear, see, whatever, what I did...more often what I heard more than anything...
That's what's so great about posting here...
I hope that I answered your question... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
So glad that AmI asked you again about your Plan! Even more glad that you took the time to think about it and answer!!
Extra glad you stopped reading your old posts today. There is a time that it is a good thing to do that, but today it did not seem to be providing any benefit, but more negative.
Hi all, quick little update...all is well in my world for the most far...
I got the paperwork done on the house and faxed that over to my lawyer yesterday, mentioning that I have not recieved CS since Dec. 15th...I called today and found out today that my A send a letter to his stating that if I didn't get CS immediately that we were going to file contempt of court charges and ask for an assignment of wages...
YS has been sick all week ans he's scheduled for surgery to remove his tonsils and adenoids this coming Friday...he's still running a fever today and we went Tues.
So I have to call the dr. in the morning and see about getting him an appt...he suppose to be with POWS but at 5:30 this morning I emailed him asking to keep him with me and I would have OS ready to pick up from the sitter's today...
I didn't want OS to miss out on the parade fun...come to find out it was canceled b/c of the rain anyway...MOF, we, YS and I, will be missing ALL of the parades this year...no FAT TUESDAY for us this year...
I have 57 days left in this D and can't wait to get it over with...
I have gotten myself in some trouble at work for posting so, I have been limiting my internet stuff...you know it's an addiction after awhile...
I have been really busy...got to claim the kids on my taxes since POWS screwed up...I'm going to enjoy that...
Lots of things going on in my life of late but I'm doing well...I really have come to understand Plan B and the help that it gives the BS...clearing the mind in order to see the "BS"...
Well, YS and I are having a movie weekend, with candy and popcorn...you know since he will only be able to eat soft stuff for two weeks after surgery, I figured he better get his junk food in now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LOL
Well, just wanted to update...D is still on...and I'm ready for it to be over...
Thanks SG! I've had alot going on...some of which I'm not ready to talk about...still processing you know?
BUt I'm trying to get into deep darkness...a little difficult right now with the surgery and healthy problems but I feel good...
Remember, don't settle...it's the best or nothing at all! We're worth it!
As we grow and change the lessons are easier to learn and doesn't cause us pain! Even the terrible things that OP say that would have caused us hurt in the past...it all gets easier...I'm so grateful for the changes that I've learned and made today!
When they say that we can't go back...-WE- can't go back...b/c we know better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
When they say that we can't go back...-WE- can't go back...b/c we know better!
You are so right. And that's what our WW don't understand. The changes that happened are deep and real and everlasting.
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I've had alot going on...some of which I'm not ready to talk about...still processing you know?
BUt I'm trying to get into deep darkness...a little difficult right now with the surgery and healthy problems but I feel good...
You know how many people on here care about you and are pulling for you. We are here when you need us. But you are in our prayers while you are taking care of what you need to.
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Remember, don't settle...it's the best or nothing at all! We're worth it!
I am still learning this. I think I just get caught by surprise by the absolutel disgust and total disregard that I am a human being who hurts and is his wife. It just hurts.... Maybe one day I will really and truly understand I did deserve better and it's out there for me. I just have to have FAITH G-d is bringing it to me.
Where my FAITH is, is in my H that G-d will reach him. Because I know that person and if he exists in the darkest depths, then he doesn't want me to stop fighting. Not yet at least.
Hi, I spent last weekend with STBX, it was something that I had to do for myself...my guard was up, like Mimi said I was waiting for the ball to drop...and it did...OW called him last SUn. night and I told him that I didn't even want him there but his time was not up with the kids and dinner was almost done so I told him to stay...I distanced myself from him...wouldn't sit by him, wouldn't look at him...and he was so attentive and amazing the weekend...a too good to be true kind of thing...he went home shortly after supper...
Then, Wed he txted me, questioning my motives and saying that I reacted to him asking about claiming the kids on his income tax...I told him that he couldn't because he was late on CS and I was going to hold him to what the courts had already set up...he didn't like that and asked when me and the kids were on the side of the road if the courts were going to be there...
I didn't think that he was making sense...anyway, the conversation turned to MC and he didn't see the point and asked what I was hoping to get out of it...I told him...we had made a proposal that if he set up MC by this Friday, yesterday, i would put the D on hold, but I left myself a loop hold, said that nothing else would change, money and living arrangements would remain the same...he agreed...
Well, after Wed. night's conversation, he denied tracking me down, said that he never did it...that he only said that he did, and I told him that was worse and that it was manipulation...I quickly ended the conversation, saying that I was going to bed, I was tired from caring for YS...
He aslo said that he only left his work once to show up at my work, I told him that was not true...he did that 4 or 5 times...after I got off the phone I thought about it really hard back to the night that he was driving around to all of our friends, asking me if I was here or there, saying that he had already checked here and here...I remember the sounds in the background...so I txted him, saying that I have everything wrote down since May of 06 and that he lied again, I remembered it and to leave me alone. Then I turned my cell phone off...
When I turned it back on there were two messages...I ignored them and didn't contact him until Friday morning at 5:30 and it was about keeping YS this weekend b/c he was still running a fever and if he was today then I had to bring him back in, that I could have OS ready...he said that was fine...then I got an email after lunch about MC...he said you pick and I'll call...he even called my cell, which I didn't answer b/c I was at work in a meeting, and txted me twice...
I had to run home for a drill to do something for work and I txted him on the drive saying I said to leave me alone and turned my cell off...to make a long story short, he knows that I refused MC b/c he was in it for the wrong reasons...doing it FOR ME....and I'm really dark...and what i wrote to my friend explains it all...
I also understand better, not completely what MEDC was saying...I think...it's in trusting myself to what I know that made the difference...
[quote]Morning! Yes, when I came to MB my ONS had happened years before and I was completely remorseful, STBX refused to get rid of him as a friend, so everytime that he called I immediately called Sed and told him...I let him know what I was doing after work, if I wasn't coming home...I felt like I have to prove myself...I even knew why I did it and told him...I would ask for what I needed, hugs, kisses, for it to only be us and he would agree on the surface....he would demand anal sex and continued to look at his porn...it was like what I felt, thought didn't matter, it was him being selfish, not just in that area but money too... > > I would ask him to watch the kids and that was like the world was ending...the looks I would get from him...he would tell me to ask for help when I needed it but when I asked didn't... > > When I exposed his stuff, I included what I did...b/c i knew that was the first thing I was going to hear, so I owned it to everyone...told my parents, him parents, our friends... > > When I set up MC the first time, he agreed, even scheduled the time off at work to go...never went to the first session, said I was making him do something that he didn't want to do, so I canceled then and he continued to lie to everyone at work, saying that he was going...here we are again in the same sitch...appearing to be willing but not, he said Wed. night that he didn't see how this was going to work...then today, he sends me a list and says you pick...I'll call...says he's only going for me...well, I can seee where that's heading...next, I'll be making him do something that he doesn't want to do again... > > So, I refused MC...(he switched to txting) said something about well, fine, then, one day I'll be perfect like you and never make any mistakes. Another one he sent Wed night, said...All you (something) is bad things that I never did to you what happen to all the good things I did for you bet you don't have those writen down... > > It's like he know all the right words to tell me to get me close and then he attacks, denies, questions my motives, accuses me of things I'm not doing, blames, turns it back on me saying I'm the one that's doing whatever not him...the differences between this week and when we were together is I know better...I can see what he's doing...I use to question myself all the time, wonder if I didn't hear him right, or if it really didn't happen that way... > > So, I told him today, that we are just coparents and had to tell him to leave me alone twice today...I told him once WEd. after he lied about not tracking me down and telling me that he didn't leave his work multiple times to come to mine...I even asked my boss today how many times he showed up at work b/c he said he only did that once...she said plenty... > > So when I left, I questions myself, didn't trust what I knew and this time I proved it's not me...these things HAVE happened...I'm not crazy, I know what I know...and I'm done with him...I thought I was the one rewriting history but I'm not...when I reread my posts, I wondered if I was being real with myself or if I was making it up....it's the same stuff today as it was back then...intimidation, manipulation...appearing to be the good guy...no, my boss and my sponsor are right... > > I told him that I was tired of the abuse and he said that no one was abusing me... > > The night that I left, he was driving around to all of our friends, was talking to me on the phone, told me I already drove by so and so so tell me if you are here b/f I go down this driveway...told me when he found me he was going to make a scene...then WED. tells me that he never did that...I told him that was worse, that was manipulation...after I got off the phone, I thought about it real hard, I could remember the sounds in the background...I thought why would he do something like that, sitting at home, lying the whole time...then it hit me, he did the same thing about the affair...said he had one, then told me it was all a lie, that he didn't...that mental abuse...I wondered why would someone do that...I was in pain for weeks... why would someone be that cruel... > > So, That's why I have come to the conclusion that I have...back to plan b and this time I really really want it...I remember why I started the whole D in the first place and I firmly believe that I'm doing the right thing...as many times as I've been told by him that I'm the problem and I believed him, I know for certain that I'm the problem...I'm the solution to having a happy life...I'm back to feeling good about walking away, like I did when I left...[/quote} >
Anyway, hope this helps someone...I feel good and this hasn't been a let down believe it or not...I feel pretty darn good about standing up for what I know, for me...
I have found it pretty easy to turn off my cell, or ignore him, delete an email, even after reading it...and not make contact with him...no more wondering if I was wrong...I'm okay with me...some lessons we have to learn on our own for them to stick...