Marriage Builders
Hello MBers:

I have been lurking here for a bit and trying to follow the plans spelled out. I executed a long Plan A as best I could and just recently move into plan B. I have been receiving some guidance from a few posters privately and they encouraged me to start posting here.

Summary (it's ugly):

I have temporary primary custody of our two young children. WW lives away from the family and has initiated steps to D. I am a Christian and am replying heavily on my faith to get us (kids and I) through this difficult time. My love bank is dangerously low but I remain hopeful that reconciliation is possible.

OM1 is an old BF that she has maintained an EA with through our marriage, even went PA a few years back. EA with OM2 and OM3 late last year via e-mail and chat, then OM1 back in the picture. I have fully exposed to WW's family and our close friends, and I even called OM1's parents. Have seen WW with BHOM4 recently, but suspect that WW and OM1 are underground until D is finalized

Hoping that you all can aide me through this journey in darkness.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/07/07 08:38 PM
WW still continues to call, leave messages, and send e-mails to my personal e-mail address (which are bounced to another address).

I had to "break" plan B today as DD was sick and I carried her up to WW's house. All I said was "DD complained of a sore throat this morning and has a temp of 100." I documented the same info in the notebook and also wrote that WW should document any info about doctors and medication in the notebook (as there is no need for her to call me). I dropped it off and headed back to the car. Nothing else was said.

WW has also decided she wants to home school DD this year - in other words it seems she doesn't want to get a job. I passed this info on to my attorney as well.

The nighttime calling arrangement is in place - thanks princessmeggy for your suggestion.

When I got the notebook yesterday, she had scratched out on the calendar where I wrote "kids home" last week and replaced it with "Daddy's House." Same for the page where we are writing the things the kids take from home to her house and vice versa. Seems childish.

Ah, well. Living in the black from day to day.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Update on my situation - 08/07/07 09:03 PM
That's great about the nighttime calling but I betcha she tries to circumvent that too!

Childish is right.

So what's IABPS doing for IABPS these days?
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/07/07 09:42 PM
IABPS is getting swamped at work. I am trying to tread water.

Went to see my brother get baptized Sunday. He and his GF came over yesterday and made dinner for me and the kids.

Going out with some guys from work tonight.

Oh, and keeping CJ busy too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Update on my situation - 08/07/07 10:12 PM
Cool. Treading water--good (better than the alternative!)
Seeing someone you love renewing spiritually-- the best! Dinner cooked and being served-- a treat!
Hangin' with friends-- excellent!

Having CJ in your corner-- you're a lucky man.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Update on my situation - 08/07/07 10:17 PM
Quote
Having CJ in your corner--


priceless...
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/08/07 04:46 AM
CJ - better than MasterCard, and she is everywhere I (don't) want to be.

Thanks so much CJ!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/09/07 04:09 AM
Just struggling a little these last two days with plan B. I guess maybe these things are normal with kids?

Yesterday I had to pick up meds to take to her house as the kids were staying for the usual Tuesday overnight. I dropped them off on her porch, then sent a TM saying "Meds on porch."

Then today I was running late getting home and had to send another TM saying "Running late, be home in 10 mins."

I don't want to TM her, but I didn't see any way around this at the time and I kept it matter of fact - nothing more.

What concerns me is that she will take this as TMs are OK and continue to send them, again disregarding what I stated in plan B.

For others who have been in plan B or are in plan B - how dark can you really be with kids?

Other than that, I am doing awesome, feeling awesome. I am planning a little weekend getaway with the guys I went out with last night - back to Atlanta, maybe catch a Braves game and just hang out and do nothing but see the sights. One last hurray before settling into the routine for school with the kids.

Just hoping to have some further resolution on things coming out of the 8/23 mediation session. Depending on how things go, I may decide to take the house off the market until next spring so I have one less thing to worry about during the school year.

My attorney says he has everything he needs for now so I am good there - just waiting it out now.

Strangely I feel good about whichever way this goes. God is going to give me something better than what I have now - either a better and happier marriage or a better and happier life as a single dad. Like I read on someone else's thread - my future is so bright I gotta wear shades <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



Ha Ha
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 02:58 PM
So what did your attorney think about her request to home school the kids?

Big ole...sorry Charlie.

If you've got temp primary custody then there is no way she can make you consent to that and those kids don't need to be around a WW (or her OM) at all. Enroll them in a school or daycare of YOUR chosing.

Your WW needs a JOB....divorce, let alone...attorney's are expensive.

Mr. W
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 03:19 PM
Just stopping by to say hi, let you know I'm reading!
Posted By: hopeandpray Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 03:19 PM
Quote
Your WW needs a JOB....divorce, let alone...attorney's are expensive.


Egg-zactly Mr. W. Tell her to get off her azz and get a job like about 3/4 of all other Americans. Maybe then she will be tired and busy to have affairs.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 03:36 PM
would that be classified as workforce fog? LOL

Been really busy at work, lots of late nights until 2 - 3 am. Should have an update later today/tonight.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 08:43 PM
Oh...I like the battle going on with her with the notebook! You see, words mean things!! And she knows it.

If you can define the family house as what it is, and then her house as "Mommy's house," then it makes her look bad (which she is!). But, if she can get everyone to agree that it is "Daddy's house" and "Mommy's house," then then she figures everything will be alright and normalized.

Trouble is, as I outlined to my wife before we went into Plan B...that if you have a "daddy's house" and a "Mommy's house," then the kids have no house! Instead, they are nomads living out of bags. Never settling into one place. Never having a home! But just bouncing between one person's house (yours) to another (hers).

Instead, you continue to define it correctly! Make sure you continue to define the house you are in as the family house, or our home...and your wife's house as hers. I would even give little reminders to my kids sometimes, like telling them that our home is your Mom's home...it is the family home. So, after awhile, they saw our home as the family home...and her home as some other place.

Oh, that would tick her off!! But hey...who cares?? She is the one forcing your kids not to have a home, but instead live as nomads. They will forever be forgetting something they need at the other house...always upset because they dont have something they need/want because it is at the other house. So, they will compensate by packing a big bacj with everything. And a I said, their entire world will be in that bag! It is very sad!

It is why I an just utterly ticked off at parents that divorce. Why? Look at the damage it does to the kids. I dont give a rats behind what the problems are...fix them! They became parents and should be good ones! And that requires them to NOT have to have their kids live out of a bag their entire lives!

So, you keep defining this the way it truly is. Let her scratch it out all she wants!! Be vigilent on this with her and with the kids. Do not think it petty. It is a huge thing.

Words mean things!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 09:07 PM
Agree 100% Mortarman.

DS is in the behavior of saying "our house" and will correct himself when he slips and says "Daddy's house." I am still working with DD on this.

It's comical that she scratches it out like that.
Posted By: NeverToLate Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 09:10 PM
Got Liquid Paper????
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 09:15 PM
How can she ever think that she might be awarded custody if she refuses to get a job? I guess she thinks that the CS support check she gets will support her AND two kids? Or is mommy paying for her? Your WW is like a two year old. She's going to crash hard. How did she get wind of you here?

And another thing, why did you ever marry this woman? Do you have some self esteem issues and feel that you didn't deserve any better, or do you have a fixer personality? I think that my FWW is bad, but your WW takes the cake.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Update on my situation - 08/10/07 10:02 PM
When you explain it to the children just emphasize that you will NEVER have your own house. Calling it "daddy's house" and "mom's house" implies that they don't have a house. No matter what...this home or any future home you live in will always be "OUR HOUSE". Nothing will ever change that.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - I like the white out idea.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/12/07 03:06 AM
OK, finally getting a chance to get on here and post some.

On her deal with daddy's house vs mommy's house - I will continue to write "home" and let her scratch it out. I am not playing this childish game I would think that her continuing to do this would show her inability to recognize that the kids have a home - and it's no effort on my part to have to document this - she does it for me. I'm going to let my attorney and the GAL see this stuff. The funny thing is, I have a calendar in the notebook showing the days when the kids stay with her. The description says the "V" indicates visitation dates, away from the children's home. She filled in some dates herself for hwne they would be with her, thereby acknowledging the kid's home is with me. Remember she also gave me an invitation to the birthday party she did for DD - it was for me and DS. Again, and acknowledgment that DS's home is with me.

Jim - don't know for sure that she knows I am posting here, however it was strongly recommended by fellow posters especially since she knows of Marriage Builders, and especially since one of the last times we spoke I point blank asked about going to the MB Weekend.

So the thing she pulled with me on Friday. I had put a note in the notebook that said something along the lines of "please put the ATM card of the joint account in the pouch as I am closing the joint account." I got a note back from her that said:

Quote
You explained to me, "...please do not use this notebook to communicate anything but topics relevant to the kids." I am confused by your cognitive dissonance.

Yep, her quote is taken straight from the PBL - so I know now without a doubt she read it. But she left out this line - "We can add any other information that may be in the kids best interests." Now maybe I was off here, but my thought was that keeping the family finances in order WAS in the kid's best interests. Of course I still did not get the ATM card back, but this is what really pisses me off to no end (although after writing this I have to laugh at her logic"

. She wants to homeschool DD and listed her reasons for the benefits of homeschooling, how it had benefited DS, and that she had volunteered to do this to spend invaluable time with DD.
2. She pulls this "cognitive dissonance" term from her studies in her psychology degree.

But, she carries on in an affair and decides she wants to get a divorce for no other reason than she wants to FEEL like she is free, and could care less about the destruction of her life, my life, and the kids lives. It's all about her she feels right now.

How the crap does she resolve that on her head? When I read that note (and after I went to look up what cognitive dissonance is) I wanted to call her up and tell her to shove that degree where the sun doesn't shine. She is making a mockery of her own field of study. It's WW psychology - pick and chose the elements that fit what SHE wants to do.

After three weeks of plan B, the most dark I felt was last week when the kids and I went on vacation. The other two weeks have had their share of drama but I have not let myself get completely sucked into it. But what I do see is that all these little things built up and this recent event with her note just kinda sent me over the edge.

Oh, I need to get her mom over to our house and get her remaining stuff from the basement (long story, but she stayed with us for about 6 months from 2004 - 2005, Yes there is STILL stuff in there). I thought about writing a letter saying some thing like "As you may already know, we are having to to sell our house because of the impact that your daughter' decision to have an affair and leave our family has had. Please have your remaining stuff out of our basement by the end of September, otherwise I will have to rent a truck and haul it off to the dump."

Honestly, I don't know why I am not taking more action to plan D right now. This person I see is not who I want to have an M with, and I don't see her changing. She is living the life that many in her family have already lived. She could have so much more yet choses to have so little. And for what?

OK, so now that I have vented this anger out I feel a little better. Off to bed so I will be able to focus in church tomorrow.

'Nite all.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Update on my situation - 08/12/07 03:14 AM
Why do you need the ATM card back? Just call the bank and cancel it. I think you did kinda break Plan B with that but since I never did a Plan B I could be very wrong.

Also as to the mother-in-law, I would just say "please make arrangements to get your things by such and such date as we are selling the house." What good does it do to get your rub in at this point? Doesn't MIL already know what's going on?

I LOVE what she's doing with the notebook. She's showing her colors.

I feel so bad for you right now. I'm saying a prayer for you and your marriage.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/12/07 03:37 AM
PM - I suppose there could have been the better way, but I was trying to prevent backlash on her part. She could spin it as "He canceled my card without telling me and I could not get food for the kids" which COULD make me look like I don't care about my kids well being.

Yes - MIL does know but refuses to acknowledge and accept it. That was an angry response - will be cleaned up.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Update on my situation - 08/12/07 04:34 AM
PM is right. Your worries about her trying to use the card could have been allieved by maybe...maybe just writing the comment as a btw or FYI type comment in the notebook such that she couldn't complain later about not knowing...it was right there in the notebook on such and such date.

"FYI, I will be closing our family joint account at ABC Bank this week since we no longer utilize this account. You can either destroy your card or frame it."

I've been thinking about the upcoming hearings and wondering whether you would consider pulling your home off the market for awhile. Simply pull the sign and find a way to swing it. Indicate the interest has been little and the broker is pressuring you to lower the price (which is likely true considering it hasn't sold). Then...in any hearing...you will be able to place one more important factor check mark squarely in your column. The court likes the children...during these turbulent situations....to have a stable consistent home. You can certainly address the affordability and practicality of such decision down the road AFTER you have won continued primary custody...but, for now...as far as anyone is concerned...you are going to find a way to stay put.

To diffuse questions about how you can actually pull this off (as no doubt you will be questioned by opposing counsel believing this to be no more than a last minute tactic)...maybe seek a side job (like waiting tables or contracting) as something to do on the weekends your wife gets visitation. Again...you don't have to actually find the work just yet...just start putting out feelers and/or applying for some everyother weekend work somewhere.

Just remember..your actions much match your statements/intentions. The bonus is...maybe you WILL stay and find a way for those kids to maintain the home to which they are accustomed. I know this seems completely unlikely to you also...but maybe staying will make reconciliation more likely as well. Your WW can "come home" so to speak which may be tougher for her to do should you live in a new house she had nothing to do with and which will certainly displease her...creating another situation requiring a stressfull move (albeit this one is during a potential recovery...not a time to be moving).

Stay if you can.

Mr. Wondering
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/13/07 03:22 AM
I have had the same thoughts about the house. The only reason I put it on the market was becuase of my CS obligation. It has been nearly 8 months and I have burned through most of my savings and started running up credit cards to stay afloat and support the kids.

Actually, my thought was that if things go well for me at the mediation session I would then take the house off the market - because I would not be having to support two households and I could afford to keep it in the short term. Long term, I would still sell it to help get out of this mountain of debt I am incurring by paying for two households.

I have also been sort of reluctant to find a second job because then WW could try to get her hands on some of that income as well.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Update on my situation - 08/13/07 05:01 AM
You don't actually have to get the job(s) yet...just begin the pursuit of them. Imagine opposing counsel questioning you about your decision to stay in the house as just a ploy for the court and you indicating the following:

"Well I hope to stay in the house and maintain that stability for my children...of course, a lot of this decision rests on the outcome of today's decision. If I maintain primary custody..then, I presume WW will have to get a job, which will result in me no longer having to be solely responsible for my home and hers. I will have to see the figures but I have been putting out feelers for additional work (contracting or waiting tables) for the weekends WW gets visitation in hopes that lower obligations and extra income will allow US to stay put in the home. If it's feasible at all I will do whatever I can to allow us to stay in OUR home"

Since you haven't made any money YET...it can't go into any formula the court has for determining child support/spousal support. Then later if you did such work...most of the income would hopefully be cash anyway.

Mr. Wondering
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/13/07 05:22 PM
For the first time I am a little concerned about the pending recommendation from the GAL. I spoke with my attorney today - he says that WW is making comments of the kids not being on a schedule and not getting nutritious meals, also apparently has comments from teachers and DS's counselor.

Now I will admit that this summer we have not kept a regular nighttime schedule, I mean after all it's summer. But when DS was in school earlier this year, and even starting this week since school starts again next week, we will be getting back to the normal schedule. And yeah maybe we east out a little too much becuase it is convenient, but that is solvable as well.

He also mentioned that the GAL was not happy about using the intermediary for communications. Funny thing is, and I think CJ will back this up, WW has refused to even try to cooperate in this area so of course she can "claim" it does not work.

So even with all the crap she has pulled I still feel more nervous now than I did before. My attorney says he doesn't need any more info, but I am thinking he needs to see more of the written record of interactions that WW and I have had.

I just have to hold on to the fact that the truth will prevail, some how some way.
Posted By: Owl Re: Update on my situation - 08/13/07 05:32 PM
IABPS-

Contact the Harley's...NOW. Get a consultation with them. And get their 'buyoff' on your plan B.

Then, include in your presentation that the use of an intermediary is advocated by a top marriage counselor and recovery professional. Cite their credentials and support of your plan. Make it clear that you're doing this WITH their support and as a direct effort to reconcile your marriage and provide better conditions for yourself and your children.

"That'll shut her up...for a minute". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/13/07 07:08 PM
Thanks Owl. You mean like get something other than what I could copy & paste from this website? More along the lines of a personal statement from the Harleys?
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Update on my situation - 08/13/07 07:18 PM
yes...if you can get a personal consultation about your situation specifically it would be a whole lot better than having to go to court or the GAL and say you are doing this based upon advice you received on the internet.

Internet advice will be viewed with skepticism whereas advice you obtained directly from the foremost infidelity marrital recovery doctors in the nation should not be.

Remember to focus the whole Plan B thing around it being better for the kids. The court doesn't care if Plan B makes marital reconciliation more likely....what's in it for the kids. This whole intermediary thing doesn't appear to be better for them...it's up to you, with the personal professional advice of the Harley's to demonstrate why that perception is mistaken.

Mr. Wondering
Posted By: Owl Re: Update on my situation - 08/13/07 08:08 PM
Totally agreed, MrW. That's all exactly along the same lines as what I was suggesting as well.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/14/07 08:46 PM
Just hanging on today. I got some good coaching from CJ last night - things like getting myself untangled from WW, identifying ways that WW tries to break my plan B and how to cut those off, and how to word things such that I take responsibility for my own actions and allow WW to make her own decisions without feeling "controlled."

Picked up some things I need to get DS register for school and will take care of that tomorrow. Also still trying to work out something for DD since I don't agree with the home school option that WW has "volunteered" for. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Update on my situation - 08/14/07 09:43 PM
DD should be enrolled...and soon. You don't want to do it so near the hearing it makes it look like you are/were posturing for such hearing.

Mr. W
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/14/07 10:04 PM
unfortunately, my attorneys advice has been to only get my ducks in a row but not go so far as to enroll her.

I have asked him to see if we could get a recommendation from the GAL on that prior to the mediation session - no reply yet.

Two options are the 4k program in the public school system (free) or the 4k program at our church ($200 per month) which of course because of CS will be a struggle to pay just like it was for DS earlier this year.
Posted By: MrWondering Re: Update on my situation - 08/14/07 11:16 PM
Does the "free" public school one include latchkey or is it only half-day?

Is the church one all day.

The costs may be comparable and the all day church one may be more feasable for a father with primary custody as you'll have care until 6 pmish. The half-day one might give your WW the opportunity to request picking them up everyday (with the presupisition that since she's got them anyway all afternoon...they might as well stay with her each night instead of nightly exchanges). With the public school the "after-care" would be considered separate whereas the church the "after-care" is included in the cost.

Something to consider...you can always switch her later.

Mr. W
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/14/07 11:33 PM
Hi MB-er family! Hi IAPBS! I still just love your new name (giggle)

Okay, folks, our little birdy has really taken off and is flying pretty well now, so we made a fairly major decision last night. His WW is still only sending to his PERSONAL email and will not cooperate with his requests AT ALL--yet her correspondences are basically business-like in tone and brief. Thus, after spending some of this week reviewing with IAPBS about letting her make her own decision and wording responses in a way that gives her the option to choose...we have decided to let him take over some of the reigns.

I told him I though he could handle the Notebook and the Plan B gmail on his own, but that before he does reply to anything (Notebook, TM, VM, email, etc.) he should either come here to MB and have the gang here edit for him and give suggestions, or catch me online. OUR GOAL, as his supporters, is to remind him when he doesn't need to respond AT ALL to her silliness--or if he does, to help him keep it brief while also giving her the option to make the choices she will make.

One of the issues IAPBS has been practicing working on is that he in the Analytical type...and he'll take all the options, think through them all, and then decide, "Well this one would meet the goal and be the most efficient" so he'll say, "Do this." His WW perceives that as controlling but it's really not...just his presentation could be interpreted that way. Sooooo, we are working on keeping it about him, asking "does that work for you", or saying something like, 'here's what I suggest/request."

Sooooo...that's where we stand. We are weaning from completely having a middle man (me--intermediary) to building up IAPBS so he can stay disentangled AND respond in a healthy way. So help me, will ya MB family?? Thanks!!



~~CJ
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 03:23 AM
OK, I have to post this e-mail WW sent me becuase it is so full of twisted up thinking and fogged out logic. And so many times minimizing what is happening by calling it a "situation" than what it really is.

I actually laughed out loud when I read it the first time. How is that for growth?

Quote
I will definitely respect your wishes (as I have been) for no contact on an interpersonal basis in that I won't deal with you in personal matters. I think we can agree, matters about the kids, though, are more important than either of our needs. Because we have 2 wonderful children, it does require communication and interaction on some level. I will respect your wishes, except where our kids are concerned. I won't communicate with you about anything but the kids and I won't have any personal dealings with you unless they involve the kids, and hope that will suffice for you.

I don't see how us not communicating directly or interacting with regards to the kids is going to work. When there are events important for the kids I think both of us should be there for them. You mentioned signing DS up for soccer, so what happens when DS has a soccer game or he's in a school play or something of that nature? Same for DD. I think that what's best for you and myself should be secondary to what's best for the kids. I'm saying this in response to when you used the language "best for me." Not putting the kids' needs above our own might cause the kids to suffer, and I want them to suffer as little as possible. They deserve better than that and I hope that we, as their parents, will choose to give that to them.

I am truly sorry this situation is as difficult as it is for you. These situations are never easy, but what I would love is for us to rise to the challenge of raising our children with as little "damage" or emotional scarring as possible! I am more than ready to take on this challenge, and I am more than willing to work together with you in order to give our children the best life and future possible! I also want to be as respectful of your wishes as possible, but understand the kids come first always. It is a fact--we are going to cross paths many times as our kids will be involved in certain activities and we will both want to be there.

I look forward to rising to the challenge with you!

Now after I laughed, I thought out a good MB response just to see how much reverse babble I could lay one her (Orchid would be proud I think). This is what I came up with:

Great! What day will you be home so we can begin to work on our marriage? I agree that what's best for you and myself should be secondary to what's best for the kids. I, too, would love for us to rise to the challenge of raising our children with as little "damage" or emotional scarring as possible! They deserve better than that and I hope that we, as their parents, will choose to give that to them. I am also more than ready to take on this challenge, and I am more than willing to work together with you in order to give our children the best life and future possible!

I am so happy that we finally agree on all this. I will go ahead and also make plans for us to attend the MB weekend so we can deal with your affair properly this time and make sure that we affair-proof our marriage and not have to deal with this again.


Ooops, did I quote her word for word <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now I know I am in plan B but I would get a real kick out of sending this to her. But I also know good and well she ain't gonna get it.

Should I just drop it?
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 01:38 PM
Silence is deafening.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 01:44 PM
Also,

You aren't the plan B stud you think you are if you are dwelling on her email and debating on whether or not you respond.

Ask yourself: WWPBSD?
Posted By: Owl Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 03:04 PM
Have you contact the Harley's to get their approval of your plan B yet?

Legitimizing that in front of the legal system should probably be your biggest priority at the moment, IMHO. Having that 'backing you up' will go a long ways in protecting you long term.

If you're in plan B...no response is your only response to her.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 03:19 PM
My take on her email is that SHE was posturing. I'd bet you dollars to donuts a copy of that email is provided to her attorney and GAL. "See what a good effort I'm making to co-parent with IAPBS and all he thinks about is what's best for him."

If that's the case, I don't know what to advise you. Maybe a quick oneliner like "I appreciate your concern and agree that the kids must come first."
Posted By: Mortarman Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 04:03 PM
I love reading or listening to WS fog babble! If it werent so serious, it would be down right hilarious! And I tthink you see that now, right?

I also have become pretty good over the years at breaking down fog babble into what it really means. Kind of like a Fog Babble Interpretor. So, here goes...

First off, this email isnt coming from her. Not entirely! It is too peppy, too "rah-rah." This is coming from her attorney. It is made to cover her butt, and to make you look like the parent that cant co-parent. So, please understand that first and foremost, she sent this because her attorney wants her on record saying this AND they want to see your response.

So, what is your response? Well, first of all...Owl is correct. You need to have MB firmly on your side, so that any judge will know that this is not some half-baked idea that you came up with...but a thoroughly studied approach to co-parenting laid out by a world-renowned marriage and family counselor. So, get that right away. Steve may be able to fine tune your response and all of this also.

But the real response is...no response. First off, remember that you are in Plan B. Which means this is for you! It is for you to heal and to get your life together outside of the destruction wrought by your WW. She WANTS you to respond. By not responding, then you wont need to get involved with her.

Secondly, your real response should be to continue moving on. To continue parenting your kids and preparing their future. Yes, you have certain obligations with your wife. But, nowhere in those obligations does it require both of you on the sidelines of the soccer field, cheering on your kids together. When my wife would show up to my sons' baseball games or my daughter's swim meets, I would have nothing to say to her. Sure, sometimes she might say something like "I'm going to go get the kids a drink." And my response? Silence.

You need to make sure you get down a fundamental part of this. And that is to understand when a response is warranted, how to make that response and what the content of that response is. Here are some examples...

WW: "I bought our daughter a new dress today."
You: <Silence>

WW: "Are you taking the kids out after the game for ice cream?"
You: <Silence> (Remember, you do not have to tell her what you are doing every minute on your time. So, if you are headed out for ice cream, she need not know and need not be included)

WW: "Our daughter jsut fell and broke her arm. I am taking her to the hospital right now."
You: "Is she okay? Which hospital are you taking her to?"

WW: "I need your signature on the school emergency form to turn in tomorrow."
You: Sign the form and hand it back...while keeping silent!

WW: "I think we should coordinate buying for the kids for Christmas this year."
You: <Silence> (This does not require a response because it isnt an emergency. There really is no need to coordinate Christmas. I just told the kids to make two lists, with each list unique. Then give one to Mom and one to Dad).

WW: "Little Johnny wants to join Karate. I think it is a good idea. What do you think?"
You: This is a sticky one. Technically, she isnt asking for permission...she is asking your opinion. Which you need not give. But, if you think this is really about getting your permission for her to enroll him, then you answer with something like "He can join." Make it short, as if you were talking to a robot. NEVER give an inflection or any emotion when talking to her. All correspondence, if it has to happen, is monotone and factual.

Okay, I could give you hundreds of examples, as I had to live them. Sometimes, due to our close proximity at events that we were both at, she would try to engage me. And how I handled it made all the difference. Two more quick, real-life examples that happened to me...

First, I had custody, as you have. It was time for teacher/parent conferences. I had sent in the folder (notebook) the information concerning when the conferences were. All week long, she wanted to talk to me about the conferences. But I refused to answer the phone. When the day came, I showed up with the kids. Ten minutes before the scheduled conference, my wife showed up and sat down outside the door near me. I just continued reading a magazine I had brought.

We went in, and the teacher began to lay out who our daughter had been doing. Of course, I had already clued in all of my kids' teachers on the current situation (so that they could keep an eye on our kids and make sure they were doing okay), so this teacher knew this might be a tense situation.

During the conference, there was an exchange of info...but never between me and my wife. Only between us and the teacher. When we reached the end of the conference, and I had nothing more to say, I thanked the teacher, shook her hand, stood up and walked out the door leaving my wife sitting in the chair watching me go out. And she was left in the awkward situation to close out things with the teacher!

Another time, it was our youngest son's birthday. It was during my time, and my wife was at work. Since our oldest son wasnt feeling well, I just made plans to go to Chuck E. Cheese that evening...and I would have a party for him later. So, we went. Of course, while we were there, the condtion of our oldest son worsened (ear infection, it turned out). He came and sat next to me while the other kids played for a little while longer. In the meantime, I called my mother to meet me at my house so she could watch the kids while I took the oldest to the hospital.

While on the phone, my wife called. Now, she didnt know our oldest was sick at that time. What she was trying to find out (as I found out later) is where we were so she could stop in and say Happy Birthday to our youngest after work. But, I didnt know that at the time and since I was planning on calling her anyway to let her know I was headed to the hospital, I went ahead and answered the phone.

She wanted to know where we were. I told her we were out, and that I was headed to the hospital soon. She said she wanted to bring a present by and wish our youngest a Happy Birthday. I told her that if she was here in the next 30 minutes, then she could see him. Otherwise, we were headed out.

She showed up about 20 minutes later. The other kids came around, talked to her for a minute and then left to play some more. Our oldest sat next to me with his head in my lap. I was ready to leave and get him to the doctor.

Since my wife is a nurse, she offered to take him back to her hospital and have him checked. Well, there was no reason for me to do this. I could handle this...and it was my responsibility at the time. I told her I would be taking him shortly, and she was welcome to attend. If she couldnt come, I told her I would let her know the outcome.

She then tried to engage me in small talk, similar to the stuff I outlined above. I just sat there, not really even listening. At times, I would just ignore her, and sort of interrupt by asking questions of my saon "Does your ear still hurt? Are you cold?" That usually was enough to stop her talking for a minute or so.

Once the time was reached that I wanted to leave, I got up and started grabbing all of our stuff. I called for our kids, and they all began getting on their jackets, etc. In the meantime, my wife just sat there, trying to engage them in conversation as I got ready and they got ready. I then told them to give their Mom a hug and let's go, and I headed for the door.

Later, after the hospital was done, I text messaged her the results, since it wasnt life threatening. I nthat way, I minimized contact and she received a monotone reply (TMs are great for that!!).

Okay, ehough of the examples. One kind of sneaky thing I did do when she was at an event that we all were at, was to make sure that if she was around or in ear shot, that she overheard me talking about something amazing we had done or planned to do. We would be walking around, and I would say to my daughter "Well, Saturday's appointment at the hair dressor should be great. Do you have any idea what you want to do with your hair? Just cut it a little, or do you want something completly different?" Blah, Blah, Blah. What this did was leave my wife looking thru an outside window into a world she no longer belonged to. Almost like she had died, and was walking amongst her family...but no longer able to join in or enjoy the family life.

And that was her choice! She always had the choice to choose that life again, just as your wife does. You need to make your family life about yo uand the family. Sure, meet the legal obligations outlined in regards to your wife. In our state, there is a mandatory co-parenting class given by a local universtiy, for people who are separated or divorcing. See if you can get into one of those classes, so that you can punch that ticket and show the court that you are very interested in co-parenting.

I am rambling now. But the watch word here is to get your water fowl coaxially aligned. You still have leagl work left to do. Loopholes to close. At the same time, you need to stay as dark as possible and begin your new life. And at the same time, leave your wife to the life she has created for herself.

She wants to act like her choices are good ones, and all the two of you need to do is join hands together and minimize the hurt. Well ,the axiom is "if things didnt end badly, they wouldnt end." Now, it is true you need to protect those kids. But it is always funny to me that the WS wants to protect the kids...when it is them that the kids need protection from.

So, keep working your plan. Solidify your legal status. You are doing well.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 05:29 PM
Mortarman is to IABPS what Mimi is to Silentlucidity! He rocks!

IABPS, (love the new name)
Don't waste too much time laboring over what is in that email. I wouldn't respond if it were me, if I were in Plan B. I WOULD do that waterfowl alignment, by getting the Harley's backing and, if there is one offered, at least sign up for a coparenting class.

You are doing well; keep listening to these warriors, you are getting some choice advice.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 07:00 PM
I agree with you all - no response will be made. I have to say I was impressed with my reverse babble, though.

WWPBSD...LOL

Is it worth it to send that to my attorney for documentation purposes?

So option one for public school for DD is out. They have 400 4 year olds on the waiting list already. Checking other options there. The church one is only 3 hours and they have late stay until 2pm on Tues, Thurs, and Fri for an additional cost. After care for DS at public school until 6 is available and I will check that out. Might even be another option with another church just down the road. They go from 9am - 1pm.

I am working on getting a sessions with SH right now.

Mortarman, can I call you my wingman? You are dead on as always. Other than talking with SH and making proper arrangements for DD's school, I am not sure what else is left from a legal point of view. I can tell you that part of my proposal for mediation will be for us to attend co-parenting sessions with the IC we used to meet with together. She (IC) knows WW's tricks and won't fall any junk she tries to pull.

Guys and gals, help me see what other loopholes need to be closed so I make sure I am covered.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 07:04 PM
Oh, something else I found out by accident. I went to pick up meds for the kids, and the lady tried to also give me WW's prescription. It was BC.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.
Posted By: InLikeFlynn Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 10:26 PM
You should take the BC and she whats she does. Make her squirm a little. Just a thought.
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/15/07 10:37 PM
PBS,

Okay, first...WWPBSD? PRICELESS!!

Second, if I were your intermediary (which I'm not), I would roll my eyes a bit at that email and just tell you it is WS Fog in written form. I'm sure you are aware that NO ONE goes through a divorce and "stays friends" and continues to have birthday parties and holidays together. I am a fairly good relationship with my exH and his family, and we SPEAK to each other with no animosity, but we do not have Christmas or celebrate birthdays together...even the KIDS' birthdays! Nothing personal, PBS, but any "divorce professional" (attorney, GAL, judge, counselor) will be able to see through this kind of talk as unrealistic thinking. Really, it's unhealthy to want to retain that kind of connection!! However, it IS a perfect example of how sometimes a mental illness means someone views the world through a skewed point of view unrelated to reality.

My advice would be no response. None is warranted.

You sent the info about the Back to School Night, right? It says something like, "I plan to attend from 5:30-6:30pm so I can have my individual time to see the school and meet DS's teacher. If you would like to attend before that, it would work best for me"...right?? You are splitting up the meds as I suggested, right (so she gets her own supply of the kids' meds and is parentally responsible for the ones at her house) right?? I think keep your focus on THOSE kinds of activities and do not use your time or energy to focus on her nonsense email. Anyone can see right through it.

Keep up the good work! Good job checking in with everyone!!

Your mama bee,



CJ
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 12:51 AM
Hey Mama Bee,

Yes, info on back to school was sent. Based on her response in the e-mail above:
Quote
When there are events important for the kids I think both of us should be there for them
she thinks we should be doing it together. Of course she zeroed in on and took offense at the "best for me" comment with her statement:
Quote
I'm saying this in response to when you used the language "best for me."

Yes, I put her own supply of meds in the backpack yesterday with a not explaining it. Guess what was in the backpack today when the kids got home - yep the meds. For some reason she did not keep them.
Posted By: Kiliki Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 01:21 AM
Quote
Yes, I put her own supply of meds in the backpack yesterday with a not explaining it. Guess what was in the backpack today when the kids got home - yep the meds. For some reason she did not keep them.

BUSTED!!!!! Did she even look in the bag? Mine tends to not look in there to even know if there is something for him. As you know, he left his iPod in there for WEEKS. I still wish I had done my original plan with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I thought you would've left them at the drugstore. HA!!! Make her pay for them!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 02:05 AM
busted is right - she did not even use the meds. But there have been nights I missed giving meds too so not a big deal.

Been doing some thinking - I've made mention of my own proposal for the upcoming mediation sessions. So far I have been letting WW do all the work, and she has, what little has been done on her part. I am just wondering if I should be more aggressive, or offensive, rather than being more defensive as I was in the past. I still want to save my marriage, however I will defend my family to the fullest extent that I can. Does that make sense?
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 08:07 AM
PBS,

The fact that your WW took the "best for me" phrase as offensive is actually a perfect example of what is wrong with her unrealistic and unreasonable view of the world.

What you said was "...this is what would work best for me..." meaning that she was free to choose what would work best for her. She twisted it to mean that you were thinking only of yourself--which you clearly are not. You are going there specifically TO spend time with your son, see his school, meet his teacher, and invest attention on your children...AND NOT ON WW!!!

See how unrealistic and unreasonable her expectation is? She is actually just mad because you aren't playing into her games anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Now...regarding the meds, let's just clarify that one of WW's "excuses" for contacting PBS was that one of the kids needs a med and he "forgot to pack it". He can only get a 30 day supply at a time, so I suggested he pull out a calender, figure out that HE has the kids 25 nights and she has them 5 nights, and he put 5 pills in last month's pill bottle and let HER be responsible for her own supply of meds!! Eliminate that excuse for contacting him!!

Naturally, WW decided to ignore the meds and deny being personally responsible. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Finally, I'll respond about "being more on the offense" tomorrow. But I will say that I don't think you need to be offensive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Your mama bee,



CJ
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 12:31 PM
Hey PBS,

Just wanted to say that I think you are doing a really good job here.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 12:52 PM
PBS,

That does make sense. You have a dual mission...marriage and protecting your family. And sometimes, the two are in conflict.

First off, I hope you are documenting EVERYTHING. Second, remember...that judge doesnt know you from Adam...and doesnt know your wife either. What is presented is all he will know. So, if you have a battery of things recorded or have been witnessed, then it will paint her in a very bad light as a mother and wife.

Take the meds situation (by the way, I like the idea CJ came up with concerning dividing up the meds). So, she didnt remove or take the meds. Document it! This is proof that she isnt taking care of the children.

Now, how many of us have forgotten to give kid his med at one time or another. I believe almost all of us are guilty. But that isnt the point. Your job is NOT to cut your wife any slack. Your job is to protect your family. And if that means getting all of the info possible to paint her in a bad light, then so be it! That forgotten med should be added on to the other things she is doing or has done wrong, in your evidence...which will give an impression to the judge of just who she is.

Sure, he is unlikely to get the full picture. But, if you have hard evidence such as witnesses and journal entries, then the scale will tip towards the judge seeing your wife as someone that is more than she is making herself out to be. That she may be a risk.

In the meantime, your documentation and evidence of your job as Dad should be one of showing extraordinary care and concern. Above and beyond!. Journal everything you do with the kids during the day (by the way, the journal isnt the same thing as the notebook! The notebook should just have facts and info in bullet form, concerning the kids). There should be people (neighbors, friends, pastor, etc) that have routinely come over to have a meal or hang out, that will have seen how you are with the kids. These people should be able to testify or write a statement on their perceptions of you as a father.

Look, you are in a battle here. Really two battles. The first battle is the one for your marriage. Yo uare now in Plan B, and thus that battle is now left to God.

So, you must concentrate on the second battle, which is protecting your family. And that means pulling out all of the stops in order to amass so much evidence, that the judge will not be able to ignore the perception that you are putting forward, of your wife being a bad mother. So, you have to amass evidence that will give him that impression.

And example of one thing that I did was that I went to the afternoon daycare place my kids were going to right before my wife moved out. My youngest two would go there every afternoon after school and hangout there for about an hour until either my wife or I got home and picked them up. Well, think about this...when you pick up your kids, what do you have to do? That's right...you have to sign the log book! So, I went into my attorney and had him draft a letter (this was my request of my attorney) and he sent it to the day care center, requesting a copy of the last six months of the signout log. Once we got it back, it was interesting. Over 88% of the time, I was the one to have picked them up from the center.

Now, the reality. Because of my schedule and my wife's schedule, I would almost always get home before her. So, it was natural that I would be the one to pick them up. She would usually get home between a half hour or hour after me most days. So, did this log really say anything about her parenting abilities? To the judge...YES! See, he has no idea why my wife only picked them up 12% of the time...he can only see the cold hard facts that Mortarman has been there almost every day picking up the kids. And so by extension, it lays credence to the rest of my case that I have been and I am the one there every day taking care of the kids.

PBS, I cant tell you each individual thing you might be able to do. Each situation has its own unique little circumstances (like the daycare thing above). Adding in those circumstances, with hard evidence of her adultery, of her not being with the kids, of you being with the kids most of the time, of her missing meds, of her not coming to events for the kids, etc...well, the pattern of FACTUAL evidence will pile up like grains of sand that reach a huge pile that will bury your wife.

Be the one that takes care of EVERYTHING. I dont care if it is her turn to take them to the doctors. Or if she calls to ask you to take an extra night because she has to work. Do it! Do it because it will just paint her (rightly or wrongly) as having an agenda that doesnt include her kids...or at least not putting them first.

Remember, lawyers (like everyone else) are notorious for doing just enough to get by. Which means, unless you pony up a lot more money, then dont expect your lawyer to go digging too deeply for evidence. That is YOUR job. I handed my attorney a ton of evidence that I had collected.

And all the time, during Plan A...I was working on meeting my wife's needs. And during Plan B, I worked on me and our family...and let my wife look thru the glass from the outside. And she had no idea that everyday, the case against her got worse and worse, as evidence piled up in opposition to her.

And, she wont do the same! Count on it. WSs are notorious about being sloppy and lazy. That is why in the quiet times (like Plan B), that actually get lazier. And make more mistakes. In that fog, they dont think anyone can see them. But the one truism about the fog is that while the WS cant see out, everyone outside can see in!

If you need more evidence, dont you break Plan B to get it. Most of the time, things like the meds issue will just fall into your lap. Again, I stated above that the biggest thing you can do is document and get evidence that will show you as Super Dad. But, in my case, while I was in Plan B, there was still others monitoring my wife and getting evidence for me of her screwing up. I didnt know about it, because in Plan B, I didnt want to know. But, when it came time for court, I was shooting a howitzer...and all my wife had was a BB gun!

So, begin thinking thru all that you have and can do that will let you do as I laid out here. If you have any questions about something, bring it here and we'll go thru it and show you how to frame the issue to make it go your way. Just like the NC issue right now...your wife wants to spin the issue to make you look like a bad co-parent. So, what you do is get the MB perspective on Plan B together, get the documentation on why this is a good idea...and also journal how well this is working in the fact that information is being given and received in a timely mannar AND the kids are being well taken care of. That is ALL that judge is worried about!

Okay, I will publish this in a hardback form later (joke). But I hope you get the point. You have a lot of work to do. And you will have to remain vigilent. The one good thing is that your opponent wont be...so everyday you do is one more day you move further ahead of her.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 01:02 PM
PBS,

Just have a few minutes, but now that I have internet at the New House, had to jump on to say HI!

You are doing great! It is AMAZING to me how Similiar our situations are right now. Drac has been sending "attorney approved, Covering his A$$" emails re:the kids, too!

I am really benefiting from the advise you have gotten, so thanks for that everyone!

Keep up the great work!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 08:00 PM
Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

Bugs - glad you are benefiting as well.

Well, WW TM'ed me asking:

Quote
How do you want 2 do the school function this evening? I can feed kids later snack and we can meet u there. I think that might b easiest. Is there a good place 2 meet?

My initial thought was to reply that I already communicated my plans to her and she was free to go whenever she wanted. Is silence more appropriate here?
Posted By: Owl Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 08:17 PM
What is your PLANNED handoff of the kids?

At most, I'd send: "I'll pick up the kids at XXX place at YYY time, as planned."
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/16/07 08:25 PM
standard drop off is she brings them home at 5:30.

What I communicated to her the other day was I was taking DS to the school when I got home and she was free to take him before.


I just TMed her back "I already communicated my plans to you." Any other responses from her will go unanswered.


Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/17/07 01:28 AM
PBS,

I realize I am writing this at a time that means you have already attended the event and thus what happened, happened. Here's the thing. You communicated that you want to attend the event separate from her in a healthy, respectful way--so you're covered there. However, just remember that she has the right to choose to be uncooperative, to choose to make bad choices, or even to choose to make a scene at the school event. You can not MAKE her be a better person or parent.

If you follow through with your plans as you stated to her and she just showed up or tried to horn in on your time, you can choose to leave--or stay on the opposite side of the school--or set a private appointment with the teacher and not inform your WW. But what you DO is document. Document that YOU followed through according to your plans. Document that you gave her 3 hours she could have chosen, and she chose to make trouble during your 1 hour. Document that you chose to leave/stay apart/whatever in order to not create a scene at the school for your son's sake. DOCUMENT--DOCUMENT--DOCUMENT.

And just one note about documenting. Do not write what you "feel" about things, or how you interpret it, or what it all means...just write the FACTS. Do it like a reporter: Who-What-Where-Why-When-How?? Write as if it were going to be evidence in court. Don't write abut morality and what's right and wrong--write about legality and keep that LEGAL perspective in mind.

[For example, I personally believe it is morally wrong for a mom to be married and have a boyfriend. However, that is not illegal. Thus documentation would not be about how WRONG she is to have a boyfriend, but perhaps facts about how it distracts her from being a good parent and makes an environment that is not healthy, etc.]

Let us know how it goes!!!

Your mama bee,



CJ
Posted By: Mortarman Re: Update on my situation - 08/17/07 11:09 AM
Quote
I personally believe it is morally wrong for a mom to be married and have a boyfriend. However, that is not illegal.

It is in some states, like the great Commonwealth of Virginia. In Virginia, adultery is a crime!

Gotta love it!
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 08/17/07 11:13 AM
Wish I lived in Virginia! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 08/17/07 01:39 PM
Just stopping in! Look forward to hearing from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/17/07 04:55 PM
Heading out for a guy's road trip now, probably not NEAR as eventful as BC's trip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The "meet the teacher" thing yesterday was interesting. Will post some details tonight.
Posted By: KaylaAndy Re: Update on my situation - 08/21/07 01:40 PM
More details, eh? A little tardy on your report, wouldn't you say?
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/21/07 08:15 PM
Ha Ha.

The details grew over the weekend. Tonight, I promise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 04:59 AM
OK, so here we go. You will probably find that you can anticipate some of what what happened, after all it's in the script <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thursday when the kids came in the door I asked DS if he had already been to the school - he said no. Why should I have expected otherwise?

Anyway, we get to the school and walk to his class and who is already in there? Yep, WW is hard at work filling paperwork out already. I walk in with the kids and introduce myself and DS to his teacher (Ms. M). WW continues on paperwork. Ms. M is talking to us and I am asking questions, she speaks to DS and he is pulling his shy act. WW continues to fill out paperwork.

So I sit down and begin to look over said paperwork. Ms. M makes copies of several things for me and I start to look over what WW has already filled out. Meanwhile the kids are all over me, saying "Watch this Daddy" and so one, not even really interacting with WW at this time. So what WW did was fill out some of the info on DS, name, age, general stuff like that; but I noted that she always left the address info off. Also, on the emergency contact sheet, she made sure to get her contacts at the top first with MIL as the first one, and our neighbor second (the one whose DD she babysits).

I just filled everything out that needed to be done, did not say a word about anything, did not speak to WW. I added my own emergency contacts and figured I would come back and change the order ASAP. Once sheet was regarding how DS would be picked up in the afternoons, and also Ms. M inquired aloud about this. WW was quick to respond that she would be picking him up. I let that go, again not wanting to make an issue of it at that time.

Ms. M showed me where to drop DS off in the morning and where he would be picked up. WW did not go with us.

Finally we were ready to leave and the kids and I walked on out. WW was bringing up the rear.

So like I said, you probably anticipated all this.

Well on the way back from Atlanta Sunday, WW TMs me saying that DS is still not feeling well, sore throat still, and she would bring the kids to me at my house (there that is again) at 6pm, that DS needed medicine and I should get the prescription that DD got a few weeks ago for the same thing. Well funny thing, because they went to a birthday party Saturday and church Sunday morning (more on these in a minute) and suddenly he is too sick to go to church Sunday night? It gets better - DS asks if we are going to church, I say no becuase he is sick, he says he is not that is throat is not sore at all. And to look at him I would not say that he was sick either.

OK, so I need to back up a bit. Saturday, WW took the kids to a birthday party. Well, this party is for a single mother friend of ours whose oldest was in DS's class at school last year (her H had an A and they divorced). Well, her H thinks that she and I have something going on because we get together with some other couples and our kids play together - and he has even accused her of adultery - the whole thing is COMPLETELY unfounded. Well I sent her and another lady who was to be attending a quick TM that said watch out that WW and her exH don't get together and gossip (maybe that's not plan B but I can't afford to have crap like this come up Thursday). Evidently there was some drama along those lines - I don't have full details yet - but it seems something might be brewing. Do I need to plan to defense this or chalk it up to WW grasping for straws?

OK, so next thing deals with church Sunday. In talking with the kids Sunday and having confirmation from soem friends I talked to, seems WW took it upon herself to switch classes for DS. In the past, DS and DD have been in SS for the full two hours since they were in the preschool department. Now that DS in the the children's department he only goes to SS for 1 hour and is supposed to sit in worship service the other hour. In the four years we have been at that church (and even since WW left the house) we have attended the 9am service since it is the more contemporary service. Well, WW took DS to SS the first hour then they went to the tradtional worship service the second hour. DS was not with all his friends he was expecting to be with. How messed up is that?

I sent an e-mail to the GAL today informing her about how the start of school went for DS and I also gave her the same details above since I consider this a major shift in his schedule. And along those lines, the GAL finally called my references Monday. I am not sure how to take that - either she is behind ans rushing to get this done, or she has made her decision and is making the calls more to confirm her decision rather than perform fact finding. One person did relay back to me that she told the GAL that she would not trust WW to keep her DD now, despite the fact that we have been close family friends for about 6 years and had always exchanged babysitting favors.

Having said all that, for some reason I am really getting nervous about Thursday. Please keep me and the kids in your prayers, as well as WW. I just would like for God to protect my family; however He chooses to do that is up to Him.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 02:15 PM
Hmm, seems this birthday thingy does work <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Marshmallow Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 02:20 PM
LOL

Happy Birthday!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

~ Marsh
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 02:55 PM
Good morning! Happy Birthday! Hurray!

I'm sure that things are going to be fine...but I completely understand the nervousness!

You have been a wonderful father and will continue to do the best that you can...WHY? B/c that's YOU!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 03:30 PM
Well, this day has taken a bad turn.

I got an e-mail from my attorney - WW is claiming adultery on my part, backed up by a PI report. She wants her attorney to amend her filing to now be based on adultery.

Don't know the details yet, but I spoke with my attorney and I maintain my innocence.

Seems like she is really grasping for straws now, but I don't know what to do about this especially since we have mediation tomorrow.

Help. I could use some guidance and/or comfort. Even a 2x4 so it would knock me out.
Posted By: Owl Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 03:43 PM
Hmmm...the question comes up if she's got pics of you and the woman you'd mentioned in your latest post. Have you ever hugged that woman at any point? Or held her hand...the reason I ask is because its possible that a PI could have taken pics of something like that totally out of context of cheating...but the photos look incriminating as heck.

What do YOU think she's basing this off of?
Posted By: lousygolfer Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 03:48 PM
IABPS:

What is in the D record about her activities?

Alot?

Nothing?

Ask for the copy of the PI report.

And address it. Have a conversation with the named individual. Add her rebuttal to the case.

Why worry?

Mediation? IF WW wants to add THAT at this date? So be it. It just delays everything.

Happy birthday.

Sorry about the big fat crap sandwich on top.

LG
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 04:06 PM
What is the extent of the relationship with your supposed OW? Have you even been alone with her at all? It seems like a desperate ploy to me. I'm sure enough witnesses could easily dismiss those charges, especially since your WW is a serial cheater.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 04:11 PM
Oh, and remember....silence. Your WW is trying to provoke you out of your plan B again. Don't take the bait. I'm sure you'll get the adultery dismissed and win primary custody and then your WW will crash. This is a last ditch effort of a desparate woman.
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 04:41 PM
Also,

Do not allow yourself to be alone with AOW (alleged other woman), and do not speak to her any more than you have to. Make sure everything appears on the up and up. Don't worry, your attorney will tear them up. There is no way that a PI could come to the conclusion that you are having an affair if all you have done is attended group play dates where the AOW is present.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 05:14 PM
will answer ?'s later. Have to go take care of stuff
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 06:33 PM
First, Happy Birthday!

Sorry WW chose to try to ruin it with the 'allegation'. Which, btw, is all it is, an allegation.

The other thing it is would be WW opening the door for you to enter all of the info and documentation on her Confirmed adultery. She's merely trying to take the offensive role to try to put you on the defense. Don't worry!

You have the MB Special Teams Squad on your side, not to mention total innocence,the Lord's protection, and being a great Dad!

Be sure to be cautious of anything that could be misconstrued and just go about your business.

You will be fine!
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 06:46 PM
E- from a legal standpoint, adultery would mean you were having a "sexual relationship" with this alleged OW. That would be very hard to prove since you're NOT. Circumstantial pictures alone wouldn't prove it either. My guess is it would take the circumstantial pictures along with testimony. Do you know anyone that would lie for her? I think she's grasping straws as well. As you know, you can CLAIM anything in a lawsuit. Proving it's another story.

I agree with Bugs about her opening the door about WW's adultery. What's good for the goose is excellent for the gander in this case.

I also agree you need to stay away from alleged OW for the time being.

BTW- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 07:52 PM
PBS,

There are several things here worthy of note before you completely freak out and lose your mind.

First and foremost, there are only five legal grounds for divorce in your state:
# Adultery;
# Desertion for a period of one year;
# Physical cruelty;
# Habitual drunkenness, including habitual drunkenness caused by the use of any narcotic drug; or
# On the application of either party if and when the husband and wife have lived separate and apart without cohabitation for a period of one year.

As I understand it, you and WW were going for LSA, and she has upped the ante to divorce...and she had to pick SOME reason. Hmmmmm...you haven't deserted her or physically harmed her or been habitually drunk...and you two have lived apart but she was the one who left not you...that leave ADULTERY. And she doesn't have to particularly prove it in order to file, just have some basic excuse, and the PI report is exactly that excuse.

NEXT, also as I understand it, your physical evidence of HER affair is not overwhelming. Now you know as a couple that she did have an affair and she is the one who has physically and emotionally been with another man...yet your CONCRETE EVIDENCE to that effect is not stunningly concrete. Thus her (and really it's probably her attorney's) strategy is to mitigate HER affair by claiming you are the one who had the affair. In other words, muddy the water! Now, some of your documenting may come into play--all nights she was not home...maybe even some of the posts you wrote here on MB will document her actions and where she was while you were home being a husband and father!

NEXT, this may sound incredibly shocking to you, but I hope this is the DEEP AND FINAL last straw that actually convinces you that a wayward will not be "fair" and will not think of you when it comes to getting what they selfishly want. (BTW--I mean a wayward who is so lost in their fog that they're never coming out. Some waywards do eventually come out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) So often, as BS's we think something like this: "Oh my WS wants their A and is sort of selfish right now, but they would NEVER do that to me! They remember that I worked hard for our family and was a good spouse. They'll be fair." NO THEY WON'T!!!! A WS who is this deep into their fog will lay waste to whatever they have to in a scorched ground maneuver in order to get what they want!!! "So what if it breaks up the family? So what if it destroys my former spouse? So what if it emotionally abuses the kids? I am in control and I will get what I want!"

This is why we advise people to get their financials legally protected. This is why we advise people to secure their home and their children's custody. Not because we are trying to "be mean" to the WS or instigate legal fights, but because those of us who are "oldies" here on MB have seen the lengths to which WSs will go!!! So, although I know it feels to you like complete panic, I want you to trust us a little. Yes, this is scary--but NO it's not unexpected. This is her attempt to get you to react--this is her attempt to cover up her own affair--this is her attempt to get in a better position to get better child support and spousal support.

AND...it is time for you to batten down the hatches and truly defend your family. Now is the time to do what is wise and godly, and stand for the legal rights of your children and your family. Let Mortarman guide you and your attorney tell you what will put you in the best legal standing whilst also maintaining a strong moral grounding.
You can do it, PBS!!!

Your mama bee,



CJ
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 08:04 PM
BTW, MB'ers....

I have spoken with PBS, and here's the deal. The alleged person is that lady from the party this weekend (the one who's kids play with his kids) and it is a situation of "DUH--it didn't occur to me this might not look right" but at the same time, there were always kids present and/or other people, and yea--it's the ploy of a desperate woman because it can easily be proven a false allegation.

The issue is this (and I'm sure you can understand): now PBS is a little concerned about what we'all are gonna think of him. Yes, it was a newbie, dufus mistake to not think of it--but no there was nothing inappropriate at all. The problem is that it's a lot like an allegation of some sort of abuse--once it's out there the perception of the person may always be a bit different or sullied. Know what I mean??

So I can only speak for myself but I will say this. I've been here on MB for seven years. I've seen how separations and divorces go -AND- I've seen some of the nasty stuff that WS's will claim in an attempt to cover up their own wrongdoing. I don't really view you any differently than I did before except to say 'WHACK'...there's my MB 2x4. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Goofy move dude! Don't do that again!



~~CJ
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 08:07 PM
This is all I am going to say at this time.

The allegation is frivolous and desperate. I maintain my innocence. I am not an adulterer.

Just pray.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 08:08 PM
See, E...it was a mistake, over and done with, easier to resolve...

There's plenty of support here...you're done great...IT WILL BE OKAY...

Equal to the same stuff POWS is trying!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Kiliki Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 08:34 PM
OK my friend...you know how I feel about this. Yes it may have been a "duh" moment. I've tried to not have those myself. Just know and have faith in your innocence. I KNOW you are innocent! I just think 2 certain people are just trying to plot something. Do you think she has actual proof? Or just speculation?

I think you've got enough credible witnesses to back you up.

Why do we have to play all these games???? It is making me sick on all accounts!!!! Why do we have to look over our shoulders and be nervous about friendships, etc when we know nothing is wrong?!?!?

Please don't let this get you down my friend. I know it's easy for me to say. Remember to look at that leg!!

We are all here for you & you know you can just ask.

Prayers are coming your way.

Remember too that she's got to grasp at what she can. What does she have???? Not much?? No job, no reason for the divorce, no anticipated alimony, etc. She's trying to make you look bad. I've seen God do some great things for people around me...I have faith it will happen to you!

I'd sing Happy Birthday to you, but can't afford the royalties on that! Just know I'm sending special birthday wishes to you!
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 08/22/07 09:19 PM
Sounds like it's time to subpeona the cell phone and laptop to see who's really been committing adultery.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 03:49 AM
I hope that you are feeling better and your b-day has turned around for you!

I've missed you today...you ARE going TO BE FINE!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

((((PBS))))
Posted By: theboysmom Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 12:27 PM
Hello all..Nice to meet you.. I have been reading your replies and comments as PBS is one of my friends and I am apparently unbeknownst to me or him some kind of adulterous woman...I feel the need to defend myself since this is my character and integrity that is at stake here.

I know that none of you know me but if you did I am pretty sure that you would see where my heart is. I have been nothing more than an encouraging friend to PBS. (On a side note, I have tried to be the same friend to Kiliki as wellā€¦)

A few months back, I told him that I can not build back what she has torn down but that I would try to show him that he is a good, kind, carrying, considerate person. As a matter of fact, I have prayed Philippians 4:8-9 for him on several occasions. vs 8) "Finally , brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. vs 9) Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, ore seen in me-put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you ".

My prayer has always been and continues to be that I am appropriate around him and for him. As well as I have prayed that God would work it all out for the two of them according to His will.

I am a single mom of 3 trying young boys (DS6, DS5, DS3) and when they are with their dad I soak up every second of my freedom and during that time some of it has been spent with PBS. This time spent I felt was good for the both of us nothing more than some good laughs and encouraging times. Please forgive me if this is naĆÆve talk but I can honestly tell you that I have NO hidden agendas nor secrets nor anything to hide. I have even tried to be a friend to his WW. How else could I allow her to come to my DS3 birthday party and be able to look her in the eye? She could not do the same in return but I tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible and did not want her to feel left out.

Please know that I am truly sorry for any damage my naivety may have caused but I can unapologetically tell you that WE have done NOTHING illegal, immoral or Wrong!! And I stand by my innocence as well!!!

Thank you!!! The ā€œAllegedā€ Other woman.. Lord have mercy.. I never thought I would have heard anyone call me thatā€¦I just divorced my husband back in February because he stepped outside of the marriage. I would not intentionally do to another woman what has already been done to me!
Posted By: Kiliki Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 12:47 PM
THEBOYSMOM...I knew it was you when I saw that name! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Welcome!

As you know, I've only been here a few short months and am still trying to get into the swing of things. I don't know everyone that well, but know everyone has good intentions.

I honestly do not think anyone here is looking for an explanation or anything from you. I'm sad to see that you've been pulled into this mess.

I can vouch 100% for these 2. It is true that you only have a pure heart toward the situation.

I too thought it odd for you to invite her to DS3's party IF you were the "other woman"....HA! You were nothing but friendly, cordial. Didn't the boys even invite her over to the house afterwards? WHY on earth would you ever do that if you were OW????? Oh wait, "ALLEGED"...sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Like I keep telling PBS...we have to stand strong to know that in God's eyes we have done nothing wrong and that He is on our sides. These x's or soon to be x's are just trying to cause trouble.

I am so sorry that the 1st message you post here is trying to redeem your name! We are all just trying to be positive influences and build godly friendships. We're all going through the same thing and it STINX!!!!!

We all know the truth will prevail!!!!!
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 01:04 PM
Hello, I agree with Kiliki, there's no need to explain yourself...this is just a WW creating a mess to draw the attention from her misdeeds...

I'm sorry that you find yourself in this mess also...I have heard about you guys and there's nothing to be ashamed of...

And you are right!! The truth will prevail...worrying is wasted energy...

It will be okay...

E, keep your chin up...WE KNOW BETTER...YOU KNOW BETTER...IT WILL BE OKAY!!!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 05:31 PM
Thanks all.

Meeting with attorney this morning went well.

Off to mediation now.

Keep praying.
Posted By: wildhorses74 Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 05:57 PM
Hope all is going as well as possible. Prayers going up for you and yours.

((((IAPBS))))

Fox
Posted By: cherishing29 Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 06:31 PM
Just checking in to make sure the "real life" friends of IAPBS know not to ever make even the slightest mention of this forum to his WW or anyone who might tell the WW. If you do, IAPBS will lose this forum as a support system.

I'm guessing if the MB folks had known that IAPBS was spending a lot of time w/a single woman they would have advised him to stop. It doesn't take much of that to get people's tongues a-waggin'. If you're having to pray to make sure you are "appropriate" around him, then clearly there's a possibility of at least an emotional affair developing.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 06:43 PM
Praying that your mediation goes well!
Posted By: Mortarman Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 07:40 PM
I will have more later...after I hear how mediation goes.

My first guess is that this adultery ploy is to garner a better position in mediation. get you scared. My wife tried the same thing (and even worse...claimed child abuse!). And her attorney at the last minute tried to bully me.

Might have worked if I wasnt such an SOB! All that did was make me want to fight even more!

Anyway, let's hear your update and then I'll chime in.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/23/07 11:45 PM
I don't feel like things went well.

I'll post more details later tonight.
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/24/07 12:16 AM
PBS,

Just remember...it's MEDIATION, not court. Mediation means that you present what you would LIKE (lay out your demands), she presents she would LIKE (her demands)...and then you'all try to negotiate and say "I'll reduce this if you raise that."

If you don't agree or if you think they're full of "hot air" and you have truth and evidence on your side, go ahead and go to court. At some point you can prove your side and her attorney will advise her to take the offer. Also, just so you know, people RARELY agree in mediation, mainly because WS's usually want no consequences for their choices and thus make unreasonable, unrealistic "demands"



~~CJ
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/24/07 04:11 AM
We did not reach any agreements, and I felt like I was on the defensive again. I know that (Like Dr. H says) mediation is just a way to facilitate divorce.

I even stated I felt like I was being punished for being the one who is working. WW stays home, works some little job, and presents herself as the better option.


I guess I did not work hard enough or do enough these last 7 months.

Not sure what the next steps are, will spend some time in thought and prayer this weekend.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: Update on my situation - 08/24/07 12:57 PM
Details...???
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/24/07 01:35 PM
Mortarman - you've got e-mail.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/24/07 01:39 PM
and I will say that the concept of plan B was used against me.

CJ as intermediary
"Reduced" communication
Me creating healthy boundaries for myself


All spun into something negative and as not being in the kids best interests.
Posted By: Mortarman Re: Update on my situation - 08/24/07 03:07 PM
I'll check the email.

Who spun it this way? Her attorney? Who cares what her attorney says? That should be expected from her attorney. If you wore blue boxer underwear to the mediation hearing, expect her attorney to make it into a Federal crime!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/24/07 03:22 PM
both GAL and her attorney.
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 08/25/07 02:12 AM
PBS,

At this point I'll say more to you off forum than on, but I do want to say two things here in front of everyone.

First, at this point I think Mortarman is going to be your best and strongest ally, and here's why. Not only is he wise in the ways of being strong and defending your family in the face of evil and court, but also he successfully saved his family and marriage. He may not be a lawyer, but he does have lots of wisdom about how to relate to the WW and the legal system.

Second, I want to strongly remind you of something, PBS. At this time, almost EVERYTHING done by WW and her attorney is going to be in an attempt to make you look bad and her look good. They will be going for the jugular, so if you expect that you won't be so hurt when they do that. She will lie, cheat, and steal her way into getting the courts on her side. I STRONGLY suggest that you do not stoop to her level, but rather maintain your morals, your integrity and most importantly THE TRUTH. Do not allow the assails of evil on all sides to throw you off the path. To do that, I want you to say this to yourself at least 20 times a day for a while: "Did she say/do that in order to get a reaction out of me?" I'm not talking about breaking plan B--I'm talking about "get under your skin, make you angry in front of others" kind of reaction.

Here is an example. My exH and I had a business. He was the computer guru, I was the office manager guru. He left the state for a year to live with the other woman, completely abandoning the business. I was left alone to try to run it as best as I could--yet the loss of the CEO is pretty devastating to a business!! In that time, some of our customers left because I did not have the PC knowledge he did--and some left because frankly they were his friends. But eventually I hired a kid and I got most of them back and it was building back up. Well IN COURT he was crying poor, he had no income, etc. and I produced documents that showed he had been earning $7k/mo in our business. Then he said, IN COURT, 'Well she destroyed the business and lost all our customers. I can't earn that now." Oh I wanted to tear his flesh apart with my fingers right there in front of everyone!! I wasn't the one who walked away! I STAYED and fought with angry creditors and angry customers and got most of them back!!!!!! HE harmed the business, not me!

He was LOOKING for a reaction out of me. He wanted me to react in front of the court so he could point a finger and say, "See how abusive she is? She's nuts" and he could discredit my version of what happened. What DID I do?? I asked for a bathroom break. I gritted my teeth. And through clenched jaw I said, "That may be your opinion of how our business diminished, but mine differs greatly. May I show you documentation of my version your honor?" And I was calm on the outside. I didn't react.

So PBS, you will have to learn how to NOT react to all her shinanigans. Let her carry on, and you just remain a calm rock. Let her actions, her lies, and her inability to prove her claims be her undoing. And you let YOUR actions, and YOUR truth, and YOUR ability to prove your claims speak for you.

Your mama bee,




CJ
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/25/07 02:38 AM
Fully agree CJ.
Posted By: Owl Re: Update on my situation - 08/27/07 05:56 PM
Did you ever go talk with Dr H or his staff and get their approval of your plan B?

I suggested this to you REPEATEDLY...the reasoning was simple. If you have the "experts" buying off on your plan, it makes it MUCH more difficult for them to 'use it against you'.

You need to start PLANNING YOUR BATTLES here. This was part of it.

If you suspect the enemy is going to use something against you, you prepare for that possibility.

I'll say it bluntly...you were given advice on how to avoid this, or at least mitigate it.

What is YOUR attorney saying in all of this?
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 08/28/07 01:52 AM
Owl, I took the advice seriously and I did get a message back from SH, but it did not matter.

If he would agree I would get him to testify if need be.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/11/07 01:28 PM
Hi everyone,

Just wanted to provide an quick update (thanks KA for poking me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I have to appear in court on 9/18 at 11:45am due to this ridiculous claim that I am exposing the kids to my paramour. I think I have enough info to refute this, but please be in prayer for this. This is a link to the judge's profile:

http://www.judicial.state.sc.us/trial/family/displayfcjudge.cfm?judgeid=4077

Also pray that God's truth would continue to be revealed in my situation.

Nothing else is going on in the meantime, and still no agreements after the recent mediation session. I am sure a trial looms in my future. I am just dragging my feet while providing a stable and loving home for the kids. Oh, and I did take the house off the market.

DS is doing well in 1st grade and I have received good reports from his teacher. Still no resolution on school/daycare for DD.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/17/07 05:44 PM
Just want to remind everyone to be in prayer for me tomorrow for my court date.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 09/17/07 06:21 PM
Support and prayers are on their way...I have confidence that everything will be just fine...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: Update on my situation - 09/17/07 07:16 PM
Prayers coming your way!
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 09/17/07 10:56 PM

IAPBS,

Dear, you are going to be just fine. I just know it! Prayers and support continue!

Chin up and chest out as Mimi would say! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep us posted!!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 02:11 AM
Thanks so much Rin, PM, and Bugs.

11:45am EST is the time tomorrow.

I am confident I will have good news to share tomorrow.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 02:18 AM
I'm looking forward to hearing from you...Man, I'm exhausted tonight...

I laid down with L and went to sleep...then jumped sky high when my whole body twitched...I got up to get F in bed and I think that I'm headed right back there...

I hope that you'll forgive me tonight...I know that you are tired too and I recommend you getting some sleep...it must be getting late there...

I ahve full faith that things will go in your direction...have a great night and you are already a success!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: FaithfulWifeCJ Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 07:24 AM
At 8:45am PT I will be specifically praying for you that this is the opportunity that God needs to break this divorce WIDE OPEN to expose the WW and all her lies, whilst also exposing your diligence, faithfulness, dependability, and stability. Do I wish ill to WW?? NO! I wish that her sin would be revealed as the light is shone down upon it.

You will be in our prayers, and so will your friend who has been supportive and encouraging and who now has to face a trial brought on by a true adulterer in order to clear her blameless name. I feel for both of you, having done nothing wrong, having to go before a court of law...

"Blessed are you, Lord our God, King of the Universe, Creator of Light and Truth. WE all pray that You be with IABPS tomorrow as he has to go before a human judge and defend his honor and good name. We pray that You would give YOUR wisdom to the judge so that he can see straight through the evil lies. We pray that you shine the light of truth BRIGHTLY so that not only is IAPBS's innocence is revealed, but that also the real TRUTH is also revealed clearly. We pray that in Your wisdom and Your timing you work in both IABPS's and his WW's lives and bring them closer to You. And we pray that tomorrow be a day of triumph over evil and the enemies that circle round. You told us in Psalm 27 that You would defend us from our enemies--of whom should we be afraid. May tomorrow be a day that we sing Your praises for Your faithfulness and protection."

BTW--I can't help but wonder why YOU and your kid's friends' mom have to go to court and defend yourselves about having your kids around your "paramour" when WW has moved out of the marital home to actually be with TWO other men and she has no such stigma nor has to defend herself (when her behavior has been indefensible). I suspect it's because she accused it first in divorce filings...is that correct??

Your mama bee,



CJ
Posted By: LilSis Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 10:23 AM
I will be thinking of you as well....prayers coming your way. You sound very strong, and you know we are all behind you, praying for you. Your personal army. Check in as soon as you get a chance.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 12:55 PM
Today is YOUR DAY! YOU KNOW THIS! I have prayed for you and a successful outcome in your favor!

I kNOW that you will succeed, just as I did with all of the accusations that i had to deal with...they can lie ALL THEY WANT but the TRUTH prevails!

Time and time again we have seen this! You are a much stronger person then when you began this adventure...a true blessing to all that know you!

your kids will thank you one day for fighting to protect them! God knew what he was doing when he gifted them to you!

Success is yours!

Rin
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 05:22 PM
Just wanted to post real quick.....


Today God wins another victory.

Thanks all for your prayers.
Posted By: LilSis Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 05:32 PM
Wonderful! Let us know more when you can.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 06:52 PM
Please let us know how you are doing IAPBS!

It's good to hear that you survived the meeting, AND have a victory to speak of. Good for you and your family!
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 07:29 PM
IAPBS,


Hey!!

Quote
Today God wins another victory


Amen to that!!! Can't wait to hear about it!!
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 07:36 PM
AMMMMM....GGEEETTTTTIIINNGGGG....IIIMMMPPPPAATTTTIIIEEENNNCCCCEEEE!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 08:17 PM
Quote
AMMMMM....GGEEETTTTTIIINNGGGG....IIIMMMPPPPAATTTTIIIEEENNNCCCCEEEE!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I don't know, but maybe with the court case, work, and being a single father, IABPS might not be able to update us 24/7. Just a thought. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 08:26 PM
Hi, jim...i talk to him almost every day in one form or fashion...

I was just messing with him...PBS, like Frog, has become like a brother to me...
Posted By: jmwc95 Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 08:40 PM
I realize you were just messing with him as I was just messing with you.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 08:45 PM
Thank you, I'm in withdrawal today! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/18/07 09:42 PM
First, let me say that I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers. Just knowing that I was covered in that way made be feel better about the situation and the outcome was what I expected it to be.

The MB site was thrown around a lot in the trial today, so I want to be careful of what I post here in case WW really does get on here and start snooping.

It basically boiled down to the fact that they had nothing that proved she was a paramour, and everything we had showed she was nothing more than a friend. End of case.

I think the judge's mind was made up very early.

I am gonna celebrate by going out with some GUYS from work and eat some wings.

As for the overall situation, WW proposed canceling the 3rd mediation session. I agreed - she ain't gonna agree to anything. I am going to seek sole custody.

Oh, and we do have some leads on some other items I don't want to give details about yet. Contact me offline if you want and I will share more.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 09/19/07 12:40 PM
IAPBS,

How were the wings? Did they have that special flavor of Victory added?? Hope you enjoyed your time with the GUYS!

I have no doubt the judge decided early on in hearing the facts that is was nothing but a load of youknowhat. They have little patience for these frivilous accusations. Any chance you might get the same judge for the custody determination?? That would be SWEET!!

I understand your reluctance to give much away if WW may be snooping around here. However, I have to ask if you can share in a bit more detail what you mean when you say that the MB site was thrown around??

Hope you have a great day today with this load off of your mind!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/19/07 01:39 PM
Hey Bugs,

yeah, the time out with the GUYS was great! The three of us went through 50 wings.

I would much rather spend time with my wife, but well you know how that is.

What I meant by "The MB site was thrown around a lot in the trial" was it was mentioned several times about my reading and participating on the MB website. I mentioned it in my testimony as did theboysmom.

You know, it boggles my mind that she would think that I would do something like expose our kids to a paramour. I know that is wayward thinking on her part and just shows how deep into the fog she still is.

Even though this small battle is over, the war still continues, and for that I am sad.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/26/07 04:44 AM
It's coming up on the 1 year mark since DDay #2. Needless to say there is some emotion stirring within me.

I know its not plan B, but part of me wants to confront her again. I am quickly getting into financial strain and dragging this out only gets more and more expensive. If she wants out so bad, then she can get out - I'm not holding on to her - just don't ruin my life and the kid's lives like she is doing.

I was looking at old pictures last night. She is a shell of the person she once was and that I fell in love with, and her heart is a shell of the heart that I knew within her.

My heart aches for me, for the kids and for her even still. That last bit of love is locked away.

I feel like I am slipping into just existing enough to get by. Not motivated to do any more than required.

Just hanging on for now.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 09/26/07 07:30 AM
((((((PBS))))))

I am so sorry that you are feeling the way that you are...

You are not alone in your grieving process...but I'm still sorry that you are having to deal with all of this...

It's okay to stay still for now...remember to breathe...take care of yourself...

You have been doing SOOO great and you are going to be okay...

You are getting through this with grace, charm, and intregity...you are a blessing to those that know you...you inspire others to move forward and you are certainly a blessing in my world...

You have made great strides and I know and see tht you can go the distance!!

God's speed to you and the kids!!
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 09/26/07 10:42 AM
IAPBS,

Oh Sweetie! I hear ya! In fact, I am right there with you right now, I am sorry to say.

Yesterday, I felt exactly as you describe. I decided that I needed to let myself feel that way. I gave myself permission, for one day, to do nothing, to feel what I felt, to just sit and cry. Then I sat and stared. Then I just sat. I prayed in between times, but for the most part, I just felt miserable.

I made myself a promise to do more today. I put DD to bed last night and looking down on her angel face I knew I had to do more today than yesterday. I don't feel like doing it for me, but I HAVE to do it for her. So, that is what I am using to motivate me today.

Don't get me wrong,,, DD knew nothing of what I was feeling. I put on the Good Happy Mom face for her. I refuse to drag her down when I feel so horrible, but that sure isn't easy either, is it?

Rin said this,

Quote
You are getting through this with grace, charm, and intregity...you are a blessing to those that know you...you inspire others to move forward and you are certainly a blessing in my world...


I will certainly second that. You are a blessing to so many, especially your kids. I know they are your #1 priority, too. So, hang on to that. Hang on to being such a great Dad knowing that your kids love and need you.

I go between missing Drac so much I can barely move,,,,,to wondering HOW I could possibly care about someone who has done and continues to do so much damage to us all!!??!!

I don't have any answers, really. I just want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel. I know that we WILL be ok. It doesn't feel so much that way right now, but I am trusting that it will again later.

Hang in there my friend. I am thinking of you and praying for us both today!
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 09/26/07 07:46 PM
Thanks Rin and Bugs for your kind words. I appreciate your encouragement.

I'll get a little me time this weekend while the kids are staying with her. Maybe a little college football in HD can cure my ills <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Also have to go into work for a project Saturday afternoon/evening but it will be kinda like a social event so that will be fun also.

I let myself sleep in some this morning and I am feeling a little better today.
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: Update on my situation - 09/26/07 08:25 PM
PBS,
Sometimes, you have to just get by. Just tread water for a bit, remaining in the same place. It's not bad to catch your breath.

I found that each day got progressively better after a trigger or a Dday or anniversary or monday or whatever.

I would put on a smile for my son, try to play with him, get some TLC at the same time, just by giving him hugs or making him laugh. It wasn't a cure all, but it sure helped the time pass in a pleasant way.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 10/16/07 02:09 PM
Just wanted to provide an update to all my MB friends here.

Yesterday marked one year since my WW decided she did not want to be married and gave me a letter asking me to "let her go, let her fly, let her live." This milestone has been in my mind in recent weeks so I was ready for it, but still it was a trigger day.

Yeah, she's really free, really flying, really living now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


WW still continues to push the boundaries of plan B. With it being a modified plan B to allow for communications regarding the kids, unfortunately this happens. For the most part I have just been able to let her bang her head against the boundary walls, but with yesterday being what it was I got triggered by two e-mails she sent - one regarding a discussion on holidays and another on the continuing situation with BHOM.

Spoke with a good friend with a good ear last night and I am in a better place today. I'll get some "me" time tonight as the kids have their weekly overnight with WW.

Sorry for the slowness in updates, I am still being careful just in case.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 10/18/07 09:42 PM
Took DS to his counselor and WW and I ended up talking to the lady the whole time. WW said she wants to settle. She is worn down from fighting - and get this - she blames me.

I said I want sole custody, because the current joint custody arrangement has not worked very well. The minimum I will accept is joint with me being primary custodian.

All the other stuff is not so important. I just want the kids protected.
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 10/18/07 09:50 PM
What did she say?
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 10/19/07 11:09 AM
PBS,

Of COURSE she blames You! Who else is there to blame? Surely not herself?

I am not trying to be hurtful. You know what I'm saying.

You continue to be focused on the right things. #1. Your kids and #2. In direct support of #1, yourself!


We all know that the other "stuff" is not important, but set your mind not to just go quietly into the night on anything.

Now, I personally think there may be a glimmer there with her stating that she is worn down. It is a sign that she may be getting a bit closer to hitting the bottom,,,but she still has a ways to go with her continued refusal to accept any responsibility. Just let her continue that ride to rock bottom. It will still be up to HER if she wants to come up out of that hole as your W or as the WW. Nothing you can do but let it happen and protect yourself & your kids no matter the decision she makes.

{{{PBS}}}
Posted By: Strivn4Better Re: Update on my situation - 10/19/07 11:50 AM
MOrning! I hope that you enjoyed your night! I got your TM late! I'm glad that you got some rest...

YOU NEEDED it!

Hope you have a great day! Take care!

And of course, you know BUGS is right!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 10/19/07 01:57 PM
Thanks Bugs and Rin for checking in.

Bugs - I agree, she is closer to hitting rock bottom but not there yet. I get what you say about "blameshifting" and fully agree.

She is caught in so many lies she does not know what the truth is anymore.

I'll have more later.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 10/20/07 12:28 AM


Impatiently,,,,, tapping,,,, my,,,,,, fingers,,,,,,,

Sounds like there is a LOT more to this story?

You are killing me with the suspense!

I will be patient, however, in consideration of your concerns of it all being read, printed, used,,

Just wanted to let you know am thinking of you & the kiddos.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 10/20/07 02:05 PM
OK let me see if I can keep this to a short story rather than a novel.

She brought up so many things that I was able to easily refute. Many of the same things already discussed on my thread here on MB.

All of this was discussed with the counselor present:

She said that she wants this to be over. She is worn out and exhausted. BHOM is "terrorizing her." She blamed me for dragging my feet and dragging things out, that this is the reason she feels worn out and exhausted. She said BHOM is e-mailing her and calling her and coming to her house. I asked her to send me the emails - no answer. I asked again - she did not want to because I would use them against her. I don't think they exist. The last time I asked for the e-mails she supposedly had from BHOM she pulled the same thing. I told her to give them to her lawyer and then she could give them to my lawyer. Haven't seen the first e-mail yet.

I asked why could we not work on reconciling. Why do we have to settle for less than the best? She said she did not feel like doing it. The counselor said even though she did not feel like it now, that it would be something that we could work towards and see how it goes. She did not have to decide now. WW just kept shaking her head. I did say that if we were going to think about that, she absolutely must end all her affairs, and that it never happened in the past. She did not even say anything in response to that. The counselor agreed that was a "reasonable" request, and said something about me being able to put the past behind me. I agreed that I would like to be able to do that but in the proper way.

The counselor said something about joint custody rather than sole custody. I said that the current joint custody agreement has not worked and I was not inclined to try to continue something that has not worked between us.

WW brought up that I was not willing to work with her when she wanted to change the whole weekend schedule back in July so she could meet with a counselor herself on the weekends. This was due to the fact that this counselor also has kids and their weekends did not match up so that they could meet. I said, wait, I proposed an alternate solution where I would make alternate arrangements for the kids one day during the the week so that she could meet with the lady. WW got mad that I would not agree to her solution and NEVER brought it up again.

WW said something about me saying she needs to experiences consequences. I asked who she heard that from - she would not answer. I pressed a little and she still would not answer. I told her I know who I said it to (BHOM), and why did she feel the need to believe anything BHOM said to her when he is "terrorizing" her. Again, no answer. And I DO thing she should experience consequences, not in a vengeful way but in the way that God tells us that we reap what we sow.

She made a comment about me taking the kids away from their mom. I calmly explained the real story - she took them away from me for 3 weeks last year, the judge ordered them back home, I agreed to allow her to keep them during the day. I then agreed to allow her to have 1 night a week. How is that keeping the kids away from their mom? Then she says "I did not say you were keeping the kids away from me." I looked at her and then the counselor and said "Did you not just hear her say that?"

She said she did not get her subpoena to be in court for her hearing Monday, that it was supposed to be mailed and she never got it. Funny thing is - BHOM called me 2 weeks ago and gave me the dates and times of both of the hearings (the one for the RO and the one for the assault charge). If he knew of them that early why did she not know of them?

She tried to bring up that I was not concerned about BHOM being around the kids since I was welcoming him into our home. I set the record straight there too. I told her that I did not know anything about what BHOM was doing until after he had been to the house a couple of times, that she had not told me anything until lat Monday night (10/1). The counselor asked how she knew he was coming over, and WW said something about somebody informing her. I said "Yeah, it's the next door neighbors taking pictures of things going on at the house."

So she is thinking of going up to Virginia when her aunt goes back - thus leaving the kids with me again to deal with. She does not want them at her house - again for fear (real or made up) of her safety. She did not want them today - I had to make arrangements Friday.

As we are leaving, she hands me the RO which clearly shows the children are not covered, and like I said above she said she was "trying to get the judge to change that." She said she took a copy to the school to have on file. I called the school Friday and asked about it, and the lady said she did not understand why WW brought it up there since the kids were not covered.

As we were getting in our cars she asked if I would call her to "talk" - about what I don't know. Probably more blameshifting or about settling. She is supposed to be letting me know what she is doing and whether she will got to Virginia or not.

On the way home, BHOM called me and asked if WW had told me anything about him. I told him I did not want to get into it at the time, that I had too much on my mind. He said the police were looking for him again. Who knows what's going on there?

I talked to my attorney today - I told him if she takes off again I am putting the kids in daycare and even if she comes back in a week that I was not taking them out. he agreed. I told him I think the interrogatories that were sent was going to reveal a ton of stuff and that is why she is wanting to settle. The noose has been tightened.


So, where am I right now?

My heart breaks because my wife would STILL rather walk away than try to fix this. I still wish I could get her to talk to Steve Harley one time. I know I am in plan B, but I still want to try to reach out at this point, hoping that the fog might clear just a bit to reach her. From her words and actions I described above, I know that she is still pretty foggy and there is no remorse from her at all. I just want one more try (cue that 1990 song by Timmy T).
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 10/22/07 10:48 AM
IAPBS,

Oh the ramblings of fogged out WW. I am sure you noticed as your wrote the above it is ALL about HER. Not the kids, not you, just HER.

Lord, there are days I wish I could be so selfish!

You are right, she feels no remorse. How could she? In HER mind she has done nothing wrong. She's fighting hard, hard, hard to keep up that fantasy and it's not working so well. As you say, the interrogatories are going to bring a very bright & harsh light to some truth that she doesn't want to face.

Remember, whast she does or doesn't do as a result of that is up to her and out of your control.

Wait & watch. Reaching out right now, IMHO, will only hurt you. You may get that chance some where down the road - but I do not see now as the time.

{{{IAPBS}}}
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 10/22/07 05:48 PM
It's so funny that I can see all her babble for what it is, and that I have the truth to trump her lies. Truth always wins.

I am trying to get darker in my plan B. I don't think that here is any other way to deal with this.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 10/25/07 04:47 PM
There is a consent order is in process, stating that there has been a change in circumstances, that WW agrees I will not pay CS any longer, and she agrees that I can have them put in preschool/afterschool care.

This does not change anything else at this time, including custody.

My attorney said they will end over a proposal next week for everything else.
Posted By: IAPBS Re: Update on my situation - 10/30/07 01:26 PM
Spoke to my attorney yesterday, the consent order was signed by him, WW's attorney, and the GAL and he was taking it to the court house.

So I guess I can look at that as a victory, but I know that unless something changes we will all lose in the end.
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 10/31/07 11:40 AM
IAPBS,

Yes, the consent order IS a victory - remember to think in terms of what is best for the KIDS on that one for sure!

I KNOW it seems that it is taking you quickly down the path to where you do not want to go, and for that I am truly sorry. But, do not borrow trouble. My mom is famous for talking about only crossing bridges when we get to them. I TRY hard to remember that, but it's not easy, is it?

Thinking of you today, my friend!

{{{IAPBS}}}
Posted By: Bugsmom Re: Update on my situation - 11/06/07 11:46 AM
IAPBS,

Just popping in to see how you are doing?

How about an update??
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