I am relatively new here.I've been reading till I'm cross eyed. I have 2 threads, one under just found out and the other under GQII's.
My H met a woman on one of his hobby (hunting) sites. I never felt comfortable with it, told him but he continued. Things progress very quickly from general chit chat to sexual ineundas (sp?), to explict sexual messaging (which I found out after the initial DD by snooping).
We've gone thru the whole denial, I'm crazy, there was no physical sex, still no explanation but I don't know, ok now I see it was wrong [email]cr@p.[/email] However I still get the gut feeling he doesn't REALLY get it. I do believe there has been NC.
What I NEED is a good explanation/definition for him on a EA.
I am very grateful that my intution kicked in and I found out before there was a PA. But there is no doubt in my mind after seeing his messages that it was only a matter of time.
Of course he thinks we should just move forward! HA! Not so easy! He thinks because there was no PA the hurt and devestation should be much less. We are using the MB program, I just feel until he truly understands we (ok me) will only move forward so much.
Can someone help me with this. Thanks so much!
Or see this>>>
Not Just Friends Under the heading of quizzes are questionnaires that can help evaluate individual vulnerability to an affair as well as test a "friendship" to see if it has gone too far.
Read this article>>>
Affair you don't know you're having Mark
Thank you both for the suggestions. Mark I think the site you noted does a good job of describing an internet EA. the quizzes are awesome too! Really hard to deny if answered honestly.
I hope by showing H this he can truly understand why I feel as I do.
mvg,
Don't miss the second link I added. Though written from the perspective of a woman involved in an EA (It is from a women's magazine site) it still does a pretty good job of hitting the problems that come from an EA right on the button. I know you will follow it easily, though your H might not get some of the subtleties as quickly.
It describes how, why and what happens that makes it all start and gives the reason it is so damaging to the marriage pretty plainly.
Mark
Thanks, I did miss it. Going to check it now.
Lot of good stuff in the second link also. Again Thank you.
Emotional Affair Definition:
If you won't do or say it in front of your spouse, its an emotional affair.
Hi mvg, I had the same situation with you too. My WH had an EA but he refused to acknowledge that it is an A. I also found the 2nd link that Mark had in his thread is very helpful. But my word of caution is this: Be careful with the way you put it across to your WH. I made the mistake of trying to 'educate' my WH about the definition of EA, pretty much did it by pushing it down his throat and telling him that EVERYBODY says that an EA is an A. He totally hated it and now refuse to even talk about the issue. So do it gently and without judgement as best as you can. Don't make the same mistake as I did. Good luck!
Jcool, thanks for your input, I do appreciate it. However without judgement...NOW that I don't know if I can do.
I'm trying to not shove it down his throat. We have agreed that his definition and mine are NOT the same, but that does not change how I feel about it and he is going to have to accept that I do consider it an A. I know that might (?) be a LBer but without him seeing that it was wrong (even if I had never found out) and a betrayal to our marriage I can't accept his "it won't happen again" stance.
We are moving forward with EN's etc.. I still don't have a understanding of the "why" and according to him he doesn't know why. Maybe I'm to analytical in thinking if you don't know why then you can't prevent it in the future.
I am trying very hard not to harp on the why to much at this point. I'm trying to just move forward but the why is still in my mind and at some point I think should be addressed again so we do not have a repeat performance. Does that make sense? Am I off base?
mvg,
You have one of the big parts of "why" right in the opening line of your narrative: "My H met a woman on one of his hobby (hunting) sites." When a person spends their most enjoyable times with someone else....it creates intimacy between those people. Hunting is one of those really primal, exhilarating, male dominated pastimes where women can really make an impression. If your husband doesn't even agree with you about emotional affairs....he may not understand the dynamics of "why" this happened, but the whole equation probably looks something like this: vulnerability + opportunity + poor personal/marital boundaries + weak character = breeding ground for an affair.
Well dang star! Sometimes we can't see the forest for all the trees.
That's the most logical explanation I've seen. Thank You!