I am increasingly becoming more upset/sad/angry about my H's affair. It's been a little over 2 mos since DD. He is doing everything perfectly MB. I read all these pages and see how many WS don't do MB. I know I should be thankful for his response and changes. He really is a changed man -- He really seems to have realized what he nearly lost. He has done everything I've asked of him and shows great remorse.
It isn't helping me get over his choices. I'm getting worse.
I trusted him completely for 17 years (yes I realize what a mistake that was). He in-turn chose to go outside our marriage with my best friend. They had S relations very likely 90+ times in the past year.
HOW CAN I POSSIBLY get his relationship with her out of my head????
It will take about 2 years to recover from his affair. This is about as traumatic as rape or the death of a child; it will not go away overnight. You are SUPPOSED to be obsessed and angry right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Did y'all end ALL contact with your "friend?"
Have the two of you explored the "why" of the affair? I think that is important. Because if you and he don't understand why he had the affair (and with your best friend, ((((((Don'tKnow))))))), then how will you be sure it won't happen again?
Absolutely all contact with ex-friend has ended - it did the moment I found out.
We are working through what led up to things - through MB, good Christian counseling and lots and lots of talking. I know meeting each others needs is crucial -- but when a H lets porn into his life - it's no different than dealing with someone on crack. The porn is gone, but like any drug I have to keep my eyes open for more.
And - I realize I'm new here - but I still feel pretty strongly that infidelity is a choice. No matter how unhappy someone is in a marriage - (and he wasn't that unhappy - it was more about selfish desires) you can choose to fix things inward or make them worse by going outward. He chose my best friend because he was comfortable with her.
Yes, infidelity is always a CHOICE.
I know I should be thankful for his response and changes.
I don't think thankful is quite the word or feeling I would be looking for. I can't imagine how you could possibly feel
thankful at this point.
I trusted him completely for 17 years (yes I realize what a mistake that was). He in-turn chose to go outside our marriage with my best friend. They had S relations very likely 90+ times in the past year.
HOW CAN I POSSIBLY get his relationship with her out of my head????
Once you realize that YOU have a choice, and everyday you choose to make that choice, however you choose.
If I thought that I had no choice, that I had to take him back and make the marriage work, had to be thankful, had to forgive...I don't think I could do it.
If it became my choice to do so, well I think it might change everything entirely for me.
edited: to change almost my entire post, because it just sounded stupid.
To help explain my ramblings, I wanted to use an example of a longtime poster here whose husband also ended the affair upon discovery...
She agreed only in 6 month intervals to continue in the marriage. IE "I will give it six months and see how I feel at that time if I want to continue being married to you" and so on, until I guess she didn't need the six months anymore... she and they as a couple were recovered. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
DKA,
Dday is only 2 months past. You still have a gaping, steaming chest wound through which your WH tore your heart out. PLUS your "best friend" was the OW, so you have double the size of the chest wound, plus another from the knife plunged deep in your back.
The shock is just now wearing off, so the sadness and anger is coming to the forefront. The pictures and movies in your head will slowly fade. It will take time.
Anti-D's could be a big help. Check with your doctor. They take the edge off and help smooth out the roller coaster a little.
Something you have to get through, and YOU WILL. Specially since your hubby is so totally remorseful and committed to rebuild.
kirk
DKA,
Just wanted to comment on this;
""I trusted him completely for 17 years (yes I realize what a mistake that was).""
What the heck else could you have done in the strong, loving, storybook marriage, we BSs always ASSUME(D) we have/had? Trust is part of the deal!
And I don't think it was a mistake.
HIS was the mistake, of course, and now you both pay.
kirk
Oh - I like that idea of giving it set time and then re-evaluating. As someone (me) who was committed forever - it seems like staying with him now is just part of my original commitment. It scares me that I've questioned it so much since this happened. But reminding myself that I'm still here because I'm actively choosing to do so feels more empowering. Just thinking about it differently. Yes, I just re-read that and it doesn't make sense. So you can see I'm all over the place! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Weaver, could I read the whole post of the person to whom you were referring? I'm having a hard time finding situations on here that seem hopeful to me.
Krusht, Thanks for your words of empathy - Don't know why, but it REALLY helps when you think people understand the raw pain! I did try a few different anti-ds, but I couldn't sleep at all on any that I tried. I can finally sleep again, so I don't want to mess up the 7 hours of peace from my daytime reality! Thanks for the idea.
Hi DontKnow,
Your feelings are very normal for being two months out from d-day. I agree that you are just coming out of the shock phase and new emotions are going to surface. It is an emotional rollercoaster for a long time.
My H also ended all contact and was remorseful from day 1 and we did all the things you are talking about (MB principles, christian counselor, etc). However, I only counseled individually for the first two months, just to get a grip on my feelings about his A, and wrapping my brain around it.
Also, at about two months out is when I completely crashed emotionally into a deep depression and getting on zoloft saved me. Perhaps you could take something along with an anti-d, like restoril (sp) that would help you to continue to sleep. The anti-D's really do help level out the wild swings in mood and help you to focus better on recovery efforts.
Make sure you have time every day to sit and communicate with your H about anything that comes to mind. This helped me a lot to know that we were going to have 45 min every night after the kids went to bed to stare at eachother and talk, ask questions, etc. We kept this up for many months.
I agree with everyone on this site and it has also been my experience, that it takes about 2 years to fully heal. That does not mean it will be hard and difficult for a full two years. I felt better towards my H at about a year, but it took that second year for the "newness" of the way we related to each other to feel normal and comfortable.
After that two year mark I kind of felt like a newlywed again. Now we are 4+ yrs from d-day, and I can see how easy it is to fall back into comfortable, old patterns, that are not necessarily healthy to keep a marriage vital. M will always take work and committment even after this great storm has passed.
I am so sorry for what you are going through and especially with the added assault of your former friend betraying you as well. It is a bitter pill.
Keep hanging on. You will make it!
Glad
If you are truly in recovery, then you must be aware of the stages you will be going through. Once the WS turns into an Xws, he has to go through withdrawals (at various levels), you as the BS will find your taker will emerge. You as the BS need closure so you can get past the A and concentrate on contributing to a healthy M.
Please read my sig link about the 5 stages. Also have your H read Trueheart's letter and watch his reaction.
To help you and your H in this journey, you have the following options:
1. Read SAA, HNN and Giver/Taker (all by Dr. W. Harley)
2. Both you and your H take the EN questionnaire. If he won't you take it twice, once as you and 2nd time as him.
3. Seek out a good MC familiar with MB concepts or all Steve H @ MB for phone counseling. He is worth every penny spent.
4. Do items 1 & 2 BEFORE calling Steve.
You and H need a solid recovery plan. Don't settle for anything less.
L.
Weaver, could I read the whole post of the person to whom you were referring? I'm having a hard time finding situations on here that seem hopeful to me.
Her name is Pepperband, and she is not posting anymore. I don't know where her story is, but I do know she is in a very good marriage now.
There are lots of recovered marriages here, and very strong, happy women who you can read about by doing searches. That's what I did.
"Make sure you have time every day to sit and communicate with your H about anything that comes to mind. This helped me a lot to know that we were going to have 45 min every night after the kids went to bed to stare at each other and talk, ask questions, etc. We kept this up for many months."
When you talk about asking questions - can it be related to the affair? I'm unclear about this. When I need to know some things or I need to cry and be comforted by him, I worry that it's draining the love bank. Is this a problem I should worry about or not right now? I am aware of it and we try to do enjoyable things together - that aren't always focused on the A -- things to build the love bank.
"You as the BS need closure so you can get past the A and concentrate on contributing to a healthy M. " Uh, how do I get closure on this?
We did both read TrueHeart's letter (what a worthwhile read). We've also read SAA, HNHN, & GIVER/TAKER (He still needs to read G&T). We have a GREAT Christian Counselor. But I can't say we have a "solid recovery plan" If that plan means NO way No how will there be contact with OP - that is fully covered. Is that what that means?
Also I had trouble opening your link to 5 stages of grieving. Husband is pretty much through the tough stages of withdrawal. I'm the one mostly grieving.
Thank you for taking time to give me all that information. All of you help so many of us!! Tomorrow is a new day!
Thank you - We will go through those today. We've taken so much in - I know I've read both of those early on - and pretty sure H has too -- but today we'll read them together and make sure we agree on all the steps.
Thanks!
Just to follow up - we are caught up on recovery plan reading and are in agreement. I'm feeling a lot better. The lows of the roller coaster can sure be low! I am trying another anti-d which will hopefully help.
DKA, I just read your thread. It is a good that your H is onboard with MB. Makes things a bit easier to work with. I hope your counseling works well for both of you too. Just be prepared the rollercoaster ride isn't over...but if you know that ahead of time it's a little easier to hang on.
I hope you do well.