She contacted me via email a few weeks ago. She asked for forgiveness of the past affair. I just told her not to contact me or him anymore. My husband was furious when I told her not to contact him too! He said I was interfering in his 'closure' that he needed by talking to her. I don't think he has a clue what closure is. I think he actually believes his own BS and doesn't realize the lies that he always tells. Stupidly, I let him convince me to call her and tell her that he needed to talk to her to be able to move on. What a manipualtive jerk and I realize in my deperation to keep my marriage I have let him manipualte me into giving him his way.
He has told me that if I contact her I am only fueling the fire and that he will not ever forgive me and he will definately be done with our marriage. I truly feel our marriage is pretty much over without her out of the picture anyway. The only thing I have to lose is to have to be a divorced co-parent to a man who will behave nasty towards me and make everyday difficult. I do not want my 5yo daughter to be a witness to that kind of abuse. I think she has seen enough!

There is usually no benefit talking to the OW, because she will usually lie or make false promises, especially in your case when she's the one who's desperately seeking to break no contact with your H. In addition, anything you said to her can and will probably be used against you by communicating it to your H in a way that's detrimental to you and benefitial to her.

OPs and WS' tend to babble. They want someone else to relieve their guilt. Her call to you was and is not genuine. If you grant her that honor, she will continue to use you as her personal guilt pole. She will unload on you and even get you to think you caused the A and her misery.

IMHO, stay away from the OW. When she communicates, either ignore it or expose it.

The WS wants you to enable the A, that's why he has tried to get you to approve his 'talking' with the OW. He doesn't need to talk to the OW for closure. After all wasn't that how it started? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Where are you in plan A and have you read SAA?

L.

That does make sense. She is so manipualtive and plays a good game. I guess my problem (if you want to call it one) is that I am so direct and straightforward-I am not good at 'this game'.
Thanks.

I completely got out of plan a. Have had much axiety about him talking to her and I believe seeing her again. Please inform me...what is SAA? Obviously, I have not read it. I am more than willing to get it ASAP!

Being direct and straight forward is good. But when dealing with the A and it's resident jerks (i.e. OW & WS), you also need to know how to 'reverse babble' and other techniques which will help you stay stable and bring havoc to the A.

SAA: Surviving an Affair (Harley)
HNHN: His Needs/Her Needs (Harley)

LMBT: Love must be tough (Dobson)

Read the concepts section above and take the Emotional Needs questionnaire. Once as yourself and 2nd as your real H. It c/b an eye opener. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thank you very much orchid. I will get the books and I also saved the three links! I appreciate it so much!!

You're welcome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You sound a bit better. It will get better you know. Just gotta get you strong enough to get back in control. Which btw, is what the WS tends to accuse the BS of being. LOL!!! So why argue?!?!?!? Just say.... yes, I need t/b in control.... 'cuz you aren't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.