Marriage Builders®
Posted By: RoadUntraveled Cycle of emotions - 01/12/08 09:17 PM
Hi Everyone! Just me again.

Yesterday I thought I was doing so well. I didn't feel "happy", but I thought I was more on the road to okay. Then today hit...

I'm so down. I'm seeing the affair in everything and everyone around me. I'm making associations that could be there...but probably aren't.

One particular thing - the recreational activity where I met my WS used to be a big part of my life. It was my passion. Once kids came in the picture, I put that particular activity on the back burner until finances got better, as babysitters are costly, thinking it would be easy to step back into it later. This recreational activity was where my WS met the OW, I get ill just thinking about it and feel like part of me has died. Something I once loved I now hate, as it brough her into our lives. This is still a big part of WS's life, though...and I know this is the recreational EN he wants me to share with him.

I'm also finding myself not liking the people I used to consider "friends" in this recreational activity. They saw my WS with the OW...couldn't they see what he was doing? Couldn't they have appealed to those morals I know he has? Couldn't they have warned me???

Help? What do I do?
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/12/08 09:25 PM

I feel for you, RU! There are RA's I haven't even TRIED to tackle because I know it would just hurt too badly.

TONS of other stuff, too, including food.

Oh and I ABHOR iPods! Luckily, I have a Sansa mp3 player!

I wish I could think of something to make you feel better. What do you have in your memory warehouse that's pleasant? Try to change the channel to that.

And if your mind wanders back to the negative, change it back again. Keep doing it until it sticks.

Start doing an activity that engages your brain "just enough." Not anything too cerebral, but not anything too physical, either. Kinda balanced between the two so that you aren't *thinking* too much, but when you ARE thinking you are focused on the task at hand and that pleasant mind movie.

Stay away from ANY triggers, no matter how innocuous.

Hang in there, RU!!

Keep posting here, too! We'll help be your crutches until you can stand again!

Posted By: living_well Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/12/08 09:25 PM
I have the same problem RU! My WH's top EN is travel. He used to invite me to go on trips. When I could not go because of child related conflicts, he would take FatCow.

Now even invitations trigger . . .
Posted By: wonderin Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/12/08 10:23 PM
I have this struggle too. Funny how you can assume that a lapse in RC due to children is just a "season" in life when in fact it is distroying your M. My WH and I are discussing alternative persuits for recreation that are family friendly and/or new to both of us. It gives us a new foundation. Is your H willing to consider this option?
Posted By: schoolbus Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/12/08 11:12 PM
I have had the same experience. I had to conquer those triggers. So here's what I did.

I went to the same places that WH and OW went. I made myself go, and sometimes I just parked my car there and made myself sit and come to KNOW that the place itself has no memory of the events there. I hold the memories, they hold the memories, but the PLACE doesn't.

My H and I went together on a motorcycle ride on the same road - it was hard for him, but he took me anyway. I had to retake that road for myself. We had a major flood in our area, and I had my H take me to view the damage along the road, to create a new memory for that area for us. No more OW now.

There is still one area of town that is hard for me, because I keep seeing her there. Day before yesterday, I saw her again, triggered again. Two years plus after d-day. Still the trigger. The ugly sow drives right past me, and doesn't even recognize me - but I knew her. She is uglier than before (does this make me bitter, or honest?) anyway, there she goes.....but this time

I didn't cry.

I just looked and thought.

Ugly. Someone ought to call the Hazmat team, I'm sure there's been a violation on this street.

But yes, there's still some fallout for me.

Try to remember that the places don't remember. You do. And try to retake those activities - they belong to everyone. They don't symbolize anything.
Posted By: believer Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/12/08 11:15 PM
Schoolbus is exactly right. You need to reclaim your territory. My ex and I are divorced, but OW is a neighbor. She still drives by my house daily. YUCK. But it doesn't bother me anymore. I just say a thankful prayer that I'm not the one that caused all the misery.
Posted By: living_well Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/12/08 11:46 PM
Yes Wondering, the Harleys have given us lots of ideas from their questionnaire and we live in a place where there is always stuff to do.

I got a dog this year too <yaaaay>

But he still asks me to go on trips all the time. I went on one a year ago to a conference because he cried when I said I did not want to go. As the conference started, I realised that he must have taken FatSlag to the last one. Of course none of this dawned on me till I was actually there or I would not have gone.

Then he trapped me in the hotel room and took my passport. He can't even invite me now.
Posted By: RoadUntraveled Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/13/08 12:07 AM
Guess I just have to face facts...this is going to take time.

I would love to hit the fast forward button and all the recovery be done, though.
Posted By: schoolbus Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/13/08 12:51 AM

It is going to take time. There's no fast forward. This is a rollercoaster ride that you didn't get on willingly, you didn't buy the ticket to, you don't control the ride, you can't see the hills or valleys, and you don't get to say when you get off.

But you do learn how to stop screaming inside, and you do learn how to hold on better. You begin to anticipate the hills and valleys, the twists and turns. And ultilmately, it does slow down.

And you do begin to take over the controls.

But you have to learn how to run the ride. That's where MB comes in.

Read and learn, buy books, and stay the course. While something doesn't seem to work on the first try, keep going - you have to make some of the ideas a habit before they kick in and work.

Posted By: Fraggles Re: Cycle of emotions - 01/13/08 02:57 AM
But you do learn how to stop screaming inside, and you do learn how to hold on better. You begin to anticipate the hills and valleys, the twists and turns. And ultilmately, it does slow down.

Wow, perfectly described SB.

RU, it will get SB says, learn to ride the ride. Stay here, post here, read here, vent here, etc.

Hugs, Frags
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums