So it won't say deleted. Go to my last post.

(((((((((((((((((pom))))))))))))))))

I know there's not much any of us can do to help....but I wanted you to know I will keep you in my prayers and I hope the upcoming court date will help you recover time with your kids. Have you been to some of the sites that help fathers? Medc has some links in his tagline that I know could help....and he might be a good person for you to talk to.

Dude, I so feel for you. I'm in the same spot here, I want more time with my children, but the VERY bitter ex ain't gonna let it happen.

The anxiety is there, just keep on keepin' on. All I choose to believe is that it will get better.

If you ever need to talk, let me know.

Thanks for the hugs.

I appreciate the notice to contact Medc.

There really is very little others can do other than offer support.

In the end the justice system boils down to the feelings of a judge that doesn't know you and makes huge decisions on your life and that of your kids.

I wish I could go in there, simply say, "Hey, I'm a good dad. I love my kids and they love me and we simply want more time together" and have that be the end of it.

Judge hears that, says, "Done! 50/50 (or custody to father). Make it happen."

I've lost this forum as an avenue to vent. It's safe here, but the ex has made it unsafe. I miss having my own thread and the odds are I'll end up deleting this one in the end.

It would be nice to hear from any father's out there that actually have a decent amount of time with their kids.

They are my life and I've centered it around them. Even my dating is guided by how these potential people will fit into my kid's lives down the road if it gets serious.

I keep my kids away from who I date and have even accepted in the back of my mind that the last thing I want to do is throw more change into my kid's lives. Their relationship with me is the only really pure thing they have. I so wish I could share more, but I can't.

I've met so many single moms who wish their kids had a father in their life who was active and present for them.

Kids need mom and dad.

Pompbd3 -

I just wanted to give you some support and a thanx for your service protecting our country.

I find adultery committed while the BS was away in another country serving in the military particularly repulsive (my Daddy was in the Navy, Army & then Air Force). Maybe there should be some sort of mandatory 'training' for the spouses stateside while their husband is serving overseas? Or better yet, a session with both spouses beforehand (because sometimes the spouse who is away is the one who strays)? It's pretty sad how some spouses can remain so faithful and devoted during long separations, yet others apparently can't even make it through relatively brief separations without becoming involved with an OP.

There was something particular in your post I wanted to comment on:

"The ironic thing is that her boyfriend stood on my property taking video of the whole thing and captured my son holding his arms out to me, saying, "I want to stay at daddy's house!"
She didn't care and he kept filming.
That's a whole nother issue (the filming), but his cries broke my heart."

*********EDIT********

Meanwhile you could increase your other efforts to keep in communication with your kids by calling them more, sending them cards, maybe even keeping a journal for them so your life to them on the days they don't see you isn't a mystery to them. How about making a photo album with photos from their visits with you? You add to it as you go with themed pages for the holidays, fun activites you share on thier visits, etc.

Yes, kids need mom AND dada. Funny how all these women cry for more involvement from dad, yet it is their sisters, and sometimes even them, who ran the man off!

Maybe more women need to stand up for children's rights, which include fathers. Too many kids are tired of the bad taste of mother's rights.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

Thinking about you.......

Just a thought- after my divorce (no infidelity), I moved to be closer to my family. since I was the one who moved away from the kid's dad, I am responsible for all their travel to and from their dads for all visitation except half of summer. Maybe that can happen in your case and the financial burden would be too great for her?

HTH

Pom...you are certainly up against a system that gives far too many rights to lousy mothers and deals good father's a bad hand.

BUT...do not give up the fight.

Speak to a father's rights attorney in your area. It is important to find someone...preferably a woman...that specializes in this field. You can contact the custody arrangement time and again...follow your attorney's advice and be very aggressive. Start a paper trail of any issues...positive for you...negative for her that come up. It may seem silly...but do it anyway. It will play to your favor in court.

Remain as active as possible in your kids lives...they will eventually understand all of this stuff and your wife will be lucky if she gets a chance to dance at their weddings.

Be aggressive. Be firm in your resolve. You will win this battle. But it will take some time. First thing...see a father's right lawyer. In fact...interview two. Go with your gut. More likely than not she will be prohibited from moving out of state...I would say the chances of her getting approval for this are less than 5%. I would also say her moving an hour away is also not likely to be approved. My ex tried those things and it cost her big time in the end. I can now move anywhere in the country...anywhere and she has no say. many of these moms make tactical errors. I believe your wife is doing that.

I wish I had some wonderful advice to impart to you my friend. I'm in something of the same boat with my visitation times.. and I too am fighting for more.

The best book I've read so far is called 'Civil War' I don't have the author at the moment but it's on heck of a strategy guide and a heads up on what to expect.

I'll try to remember to post the information when I get settled at home for tonight.

Joseph Cordell

Post deleted by pomdbd3

Mkeverydaycnt, I wish I had your luck! I realize you worked hard and fought the good fight, and that all worked out in the end for you. I fought the same but lost, even though I did nothig wrong! Would appreciate ANY advice!

Doesn't mean I won't continue fighting, but let's make sure to not give false hope. Sadly here in Cali, truth seesm to lose more often than not.

Pom, good luck and keep fighting. I love to hear success stories, helps keep me going.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

It's the same everywhere.

Just keep fighting and don't give up. I got full...and EXCLUSIVE custody of my son at almost 10 years old.

My only advice is to get into court often...get things evaluated and re-evaluated. You will most likely get a little more time here and there. The battle is hard and so unfair...but it is worth fighting. Oh, and don't be afraid to go out and evaluate other attorney's. Sometimes a fresh set of eyes can come up with another strategy.

I hope things work out for you.

I'll never stop trying, but when an evaluator admits that mom told child not to kiss or hug dad, or to talk to dad on the phone, then claims "but that isn't alienation," and the judge agrees, hard to overcome that. Mom even admitted to assaulting me in front of child, and was caught having a convicted drug dealer spend the night.

All they had on me was, "He yells," which they couldn't prove. Mainly becuase it doesn't happen, but, hey, why does that matter?

Can you say, bias, boys and girls?

Just glad to hear of your success. Some day...

My current pleasure in in seeing his happy face when he is with me, and knowing the truth.

Consider taking this matter to a more public forum if this persists. What you have described is not fair and sometimes people need the heat turned up on them to get the point across.

Contact local legislators, newspapers, support groups...you would be surprised to find the people that are interested in this kind of stuff.

Thanks for the help MEDC.. was just about to get on here and post that.

I guess he's got a website too dadsdivorce.com.

The book is great and has helped me a lot.

See MEDC.. I told you I was reading!

Jamesus and anyone else in a custody situation:

Can I have your email. I have much to share and can't safely use this forum.

Pom, Here's mine, let nme know when you have it then I will edit it out.

****************

Maybe we can help each other.

I can't. PM is disabled. Post your email or put it on your profile and then delete the post or remove your email once we acknowledge contact.

I can't post mine since it reveals who I am to any prying eyes.

Did that above with an edit. Let me know when you have it please.

If you need to contact me for anything, my email is attached to my account.

Pom... I haven't been around in a while, but I know your plight. Hang in there.

Just FYI - I don't invite XH over "regularly"... he came for Christmas. For our kids' birthdays we usually go someplace with them, or do something at our jointly-owned business for them.

But you're right - we do have an amicable arrangement. We don't socialize together, but when we do work together we behave as any two friends do - we talk about stuff we've done outside of work etc.

I don't know if that's possible with your ex, given all the circumstances. You're different people than my XH and I are.

For your sake, however I do hope you can both get to a point where you both put the kids' needs first. I know you're doing that but it's your XW's *choice* as to whether she does that or not - and based on your side of the story, I'm not sure if that's going to happen. It would take some huge changes on her part, and you know as well as anybody that you can't compel that.

All of you (including your XW) continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, that amidst this less than ideal situation, you can all come to some sort of arrangement that everybody can live with.

JinGA

Post deleted by pomdbd3

I went out with my divorce group last night to a restaurant. I had a wonderful time catching up and we had some very interesting conversations about dating and the interesting challenges of dating with kids and just dating in general. We laughed and laughed at some of the stories we all shared.

We had a very interesting conversation about step parents. I believe a significant other who enters an existing family needs to understand that no matter what happens, a kid isn't really going to see the new person as a parent, especially if they are older. This was confirmed for me by my therapist last night when we had this very same conversation. She told me that mixed families have very high divorce rates and that people who come in and want to act like a parent when they aren't have a very difficult time because kids, especially ones that are older, never accept this new person or have a tough time accepting them.

So we talked about it. One of the women said that she has a tough time with the fact that her husband comes in to her house sometimes when he drops off the kids and her boyfriend is there. The kids ask him to come in and eat with them. This bothers their mom because the boyfriend is around. She says the boyfriend thinks she's to lenient on her kids. I told her, "Who cares. It's not his place. They're YOUR kids."

She went on to say that she lets her kids win or helps them when they play board games and this aparently bugs her BF. I said, "It's a game! What are you going to do, start yelling at your son, saying 'Yeah, in your face! You can't balance a checkbook! Ha!'"

We had a good laugh over that.

The other woman there has an amicable relationship with her ex and he babysits for her so she can go out and so that he can see the kids. She feels that is going to have to end when she meets someone or re-marries because "no man will ever accept an ex coming over and hanging out in 'his' home with the kids".

I told her that it depends on the man. I told both ladies, hypotheitically, if I was dating either one of them, I would welcome their exes and befriend them for the sake of the kids because their kids aren't my kids and the kids themselves could care less. In fact, the kids would want to have both parents welcome in to their home because it's their parents and that I, as an outsider to the kids, should respect the relationship with the other parent and even encourage it.

I simply said that I would behave in a way I would want to be treated myself.

They both seemed to find my rather open attitude about it interesting and, if I read the body language correctly, appealing. One even told me, "I could see you very much acting that way and can see your point that the kids would like it."

The sad thing about the mess is that one of the women's exes remarried a woman who doesn't want the man's kids to come to her house. He is and was (and I suspect will) thinking about leaving her over this. Social services has established that the kids can't come to his home for 2 years because things were so bad with the new wife.

I told her that I think this will wear on her ex husband and that I know what I would do in his shoes. I'd kick the new wife to the curb or just flat out leave because no woman will ever interfere with my relationship with my kids. I'd rather be single till they grew up and left the house than have someone tell me I can't have my kids in my home. I found this to be a very sad thing for the kids.

So what are the thoughts on this? Jin, you are in somewhat of a similar situation with the amicable relationship with your ex.

What about others?

I follow your logic...but I have read and believe that being too close to the ex (things like having him hang out at the house) is bad for the kids in that it sends them mixed signals. Kids have a hard enough time with their parents divorcing...being too close would add constant hope that there is a reconciliation in the offing. When kids see their parents interacting so closely the confusion can force them to turn their focus about the divorce to the new spouse or gf/bf. "If they were not in the picture" mom and dad would be back together. It really is a fine line to walk.

There are ways to be friendly and work in the kids best interest while maintaining boundaries that do not add to confusion.

I agree, but it would certainly be ok to have the occasional, "Hey, come on up and join us for dinner" in my opinion.

This makes the kids comfortable and lowers their stress. I experienced this with my parents. I was super tense about my parents being around each other until they were and there was amicable interaction with each other. This did a lot to help lower my tension.

In the end, you're right. Too much interaction with an ex is a threat to the new marriage, but friendly acknowledgement and interaction is good for the kids and lets them know you're not looking to replace their biological parent.

I'm so sorry for your situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I must say that I have a huge same fear/anxiety re: my children with the OP so this really speaks to me. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Best of luck with the legal suit. Hang in there!

One big thing to keep in mind is to understand that your kids will always be your kids and will want to have you in their lives no matter what your ex does. I was very afraid at first when this other person moved in but I have come to realize over the last few months that it really doesn't matter and that the kids will always see me as dad no matter what. It's helped that, so far, the other guy hasn't overstepped, to my knowledge.

I don't think my ex would tolerate him being bad to them if she knew about it. I worry a little that he may be bad to them when she's not around or not looking.

There's been some small, troubling signs lately for my boys. They don't want to go back with the ex when she comes to get them and there have been some bruises recently which I have had no good explanation for. One son had a bruise the size of a quarter on his chest. The other son banged his head on a table and really swelled up his ear.

My ex downplayed the ear bruise and made it sound like I exaggerated how bad it looked. I took pictures of the bruise because it was pretty purple.

The kids told me he hit his head on a "train table".

It sounds like an accident, so I'm not freaking out about it right now. I just want to keep track of how many "accidents" the kids continue to have.

I'm very careful when they're at my house, but the risk of accidents is always there, especially with young boys who seem to throw themselves around all the time, and run and play and wrestle.

My other son has a fear of dogs. The kids have told me he's afraid of the pet dog in the house and he clings to me whenever neighborhood dogs bark, saying that they're barking at him.

So, those are the things I find troubling.

She comes over to pick the boys up tonight. I'm hoping it's a smooth transition and the boys don't get upset again. They didn't want to leave last time. One of them went peacefully the other clung to my stairwell and didn't want to leave. The ex told me "to do something" rather than simply letting him stay to ease his distress.

These Wednesday exchanges are always super stressful for the kids and I. I wish they could simply stay the night like they already do every other Wednesday. We're supposed to negotiate having the boys stay the night on every Wednesday versus every other Wednesday, but the ex has already stated she's against this. I don't know why she insists on this, but I have some feelings on it that I'm not willing to post.

Sadly, parental alienation is alive and kicking. After my divorce, my daughters who had begged me to coach their sports teams, and had great times, now view me as the devil, and accuse me of all evils, including forcing them to play sports. These girls are now adults, and still refuse to acnowledge the truth.

I'm hoping that someday THAT fog will lift.

The younger ones still love me, but the mother is working hard to change that.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

I don't believe you can have him arrested or press charges. Your interpretation of that law is not accurate. That is meant for secret recordings of conversations...phone or otherwise. You are aware of the video taping as it is being done without attempts to hide it.

Audio is the issue here, not video.

It is weird...but really not a crime.

Hey man.. sorry I didn't get back to this thread before now, but my email should be available in my profile. Feel free to email me at any time.

I have to admit though, I have taken a few wrong turns in the custody thing by not being aggressive enough. MEDC is a good source for shoe leather when you need it.. I can't thank him enough for his contributions to getting me in gear and armed with the knowledge I need to fight this my way.. even if he and I don't always agree on the strategy.

You've got great resources here, use them.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

I'm sure you aren't doing anything wrong during the exchanges, so I wouldn't worry about it from that aspect.

However, it is an intrusion, and illegal at that. They are probably trying to irritate you and get you to do something bad. Beware of that.

I live and worked in an all party consent state too. I'm telling you that IMHO, there is no violation of law. If he is standing there with a video camera, there is nothing illegal about that. Now, SECRETLY recording a conversation is illegal in probably half of the jurisdictions...electronic or face to face does not matter.

Consent would be needed to use the recording for public display...other than that, I doubt the veracity of the information you have been given.

Now, if he surreptitiously was recording you by other means...secretly looking in your windows, you might have a claim..otherwise, it isn't realistic.

Imagine that ANY person could claim a violation of law for such a thing. A parent video taping his child's baseball game would need to obtain permission from every parent and player in order to do so. Someone walking around an amusement park with a video camera...imagine the issues that your interpretation of the law could cause.

I am sorry, but I believe you have been given inaccurate information.

If you tell me your state, I would be happy to verify this for you.

as far as the audio goes..is he able to pick up audio from the sidewalk? That would be hard to prove. Also, since you see the camera, there is the problem that your expectation of privacy has been exhausted. When you see the camera, you could CHOOSE to not say anything. That is where the secret recording issue comes into play.

All in all though, the guy is a jerk.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

well, I guess the cops will be raiding the kids baseball games then.

Hang in there, because chances are good that your ex and her affair partner will split up. Then she may be more reasonable about visitation.

In the meantime, do your best to love and comfort your kids.

Your wife is a fool.

yep.

There is some judgement involved in recordings.

Recording kids at a baseball game is different. The intent is not to record individual conversations so much as a public event. Now, if you turned around in the crowd and started recording the conversation between a husband and wife (or whomever) and they turned to you and told you to quit taping them, then that may be a violation. Then again, they're speaking in a public place and you didn't start recording with the intent of recording them.

He's close enough on the sidewalk to record the conversation between my ex and I as we prep the kids to leave. My kids, myself, and my ex are the subject of his recording and he doesn't have MY consent to do this.

There's interpretation involved in the law, but sound recording is strictly enforced here.

And MEDC is right. The guy is a big jerk. I can't even imagine a man acting like that with another man's family.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

Oh, good that at least the jerk is not an affair partner. He's just a jerk.

How long has she known him?

Your best bet is to not be the focus of his attention. Just be a good dad to your kids as much as you can.

Statistically your wife and his relationship is doomed.

I've had a very rough week emotionally. I really miss my kids and I feel very alone. I'm approaching the 2 year anniversary of my D. I've been making great progress, but I'm very down and have been down the last week.

I'm very alone because, using MB principles, I let go of my GF, who I thought things were going great with, but she had an ex BF show up.

She then started "getting confused" and "I don't know what I want".

I told her it was unfortunate that she feels this way. I felt there was a lot of good promise for us.

So we cut things off. She kept contacting me, however. She flirted with me through emails and even called me at one point.

Using what I've learned here, I told her that she and I couldn't have a chance if she was in contact with her ex BF and that he would always confuse her.

I told her that I really liked her, but couldn't be with her if she was confused and that I didn't want to be either a rebound or to get in competition with another man.

I told her my door was open to her once she figures things out, but that I didn't want to hear from her until she figured whatever that is out.

A lesson learned on MB about boundaries. People can only treat you as bad as you let them.

That incident got my week started. The rest of the week was just rough and I felt very alone. I've been on MB a lot and have gotten caught up on many BH threads, advising them to not be me.

I just read an article on Sudden Divorce Syndrome. Men like me who are caught off guard and unaware of their wives desire to leave.

They are left alienated from the kids and in financial ruin, supporting an ex wife and kids they hardly see.

I'm there and would be bankrupt without my parent's help. I miss the kids a lot.

I look forward to Sunday. I'm having a Super Bowl get together and am going to surprise my buddy with a cake and wish him a happy birthday, which is just 2 days later.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

Sounds like you are catching on! It is good to have strong boundaries. Then at least people know where you stand. GF may be back, and then she will realize that she can't have an ex in the picture.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

I'd say your reaction was very appropriate. Nicely played.

Post deleted by pomdbd3

I am not surprised that your ex is engaged two years after the divorce...that in and of itself is fine in my eyes...it's everything else that she has done that is so sad and shocking.

I would doubt VERY highly that she will be permitted to leave with the kids. States are not likely to allow a parent to leave their jurisdiction.

You are doing a great job fighting this and from a dad that has full custody of his son...I can tell you that your kids will be proud of their father. Their mother...well, that's another story.

They are the center of my life and the entire reason I'm here instead of California.

All my family is out there.

I swear that I could be given sole physical and legal custody tomorrow and I'd still want my kids to see their mother regularly. I think it's bad for them to not have BOTH parents involved in their lives.

But her moves explain why she resisted my request to enroll our kids in after school activities.

No spring soccer for our daughter. No participation in Spanish classes, etc.