Hello - thank you all for being here! I found out on Thursday that my husband has been having an emotional affair plus 5 kisses with another woman. I am devasted - hurt and my emotions have been on a major roller coaster - all normal I now know.

My question to you all - I have a need to know everything that took place with the OW. Is this normal???? I mean I want detail - details - details.

Husband is supplying them. I have been in contact with OW and her husband also.

I understand what caused the affair our marriage was not meeting either of our emotional needs - I just do not know what to do - Husband states he wants to work things out - but if he was cheating then does he really want to? He risked his family - if I would not have finally confronted him he would have continued - sooooooo.....

now what????

Hi HB,

Welcome to MB! ...and yes, your 'need to know' everything is very normal for a BS (betrayed spouse).

It's good that your H is willing to answer your questions. Hopefully he is being transparant with his actions and his time as that will help you greatly.

Please read the articles here and keep posting! This is a great place and you will find a lot of support as you both begin rebuilding your M.

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hi Hurting,

Welcome. Sorry you have to be here, but I think you will find comfort with us.

Yes, wanting to know everything is normal. Let the pros here offer the best advice to you. I would love to help, but I'm struggling too, and did not always do things the MB way.

The one thing that helped me inititally was to get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. I would read that immediately, then just read all of the posts here that you can read, and don't do anything drastic until you educate yourself on the dynamics of affairs. Before I found MB, I did a lot of good Plan A, but also managed to do a lot of love busting which didn't help. So read up.

Hang in there. You are in good hands here.

Thank you he is being transparant - and actually I had email him while he was at work - and he is the one who introduced me to the term.......

I appreciate your support!

Both my husband and I will be getting the book - tomorrow - if not at Barnes and Nobel then will order.....I cannot wait 2 days for the delivery.....

Thanks!!

Hi hurting-

Another good book that has a chapter specifically about emotional affairs is "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder-a pastor who also specializes in counseling couples after affairs.

It also gives both the BS and the WS a timeline to understand the roller coaster of emotions that both spouses may experience in recovery.

Good luck!

Thank you for the recommendation will surely be reading book after book.

Last night was somewhat comical - I was trying to go to sleep but could not because I had a need for another 2 questions to be answered. I walked into the living room and sat down next to WS. I said I have a couple more questions -and he almost threw up! I giggled inside my head!!! Not nice - I know but it may have been my first smile since Thursday!

He answered the questions I had with the needed detail that I requested.

What continues to bother me though is that I feel GUILTY for even considering working on the relationship. Does that make sense? It is like I am letting him get away with his actions.

Advice.......

Great job from you both! Sounds as if you handled the request for more information really well and he was open in his replies. A critical part of the recovery process is understanding what happened and you will only get the information you need if he answers your questions honestly and he will only do that if it feels safe for him. And it obviously did!


No, his getting away with it would be you pretending it was not happening and letting the A continue. Can you see the difference now?

I certainly can - but why do I feel WEAK by taking him back - maybe that is a better word. I feel weak....

I am so appreciative of everyone sharing their wisdom!

Someoneone wise said to me at the very beginning....it is much easier to leave. Staying takes immense strength.

I hope that helps you as it did me.

Thank you for sharing these wise words........

HB:

You have every right to ask questions.

You H may look like he's about to throw up. BUt you need what you need.

Please read my story of Dday>> Curtains

You have a great start so far to recover your marriage.

But the real work has begun.

LG

Hi HB.

Staying isn't weak. Neither is leaving, if that is what you choose.

Strength is making a wise decision for yourself based on facts. Strength is knowing yourself well enough to make a decision and taking responsibility for the choice.

Helllo - well I just lost control of my emotions with WH.

After confronting him about the EA - I askd that he contact his parents and tell them. He said he would. When I came home this evening - it has been 4 days since finding out - after discussing how our days were I asked if he has talked to his parents. He said sternly "I am not telling them. I am not as close with them as you are your family" (which is true). I blew up - LOVE BUSTER - I know......

now what????????

He wants to know why I want them to know....

I am not really sure why I want him to tell them I just do -

I need help uncovering why......

I am soooooo ANGRY things were going fairly well over the past couple days.

It just ALL went SOUTH and in the matter of 2 minutes!!!

Exposure is used to end an A.

As long as he has committed to NC, there isn't a need to tell his parents.

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

((((HB))))

~ Marsh

Thank you for your reply - he has committed to no contact with the OW he did that Saturday.

I am assuming I have to apologize about my nasty behavior....will do right now....uggghhhh!

Go easy on yourself.

It's normal and RIGHT to be angry.

Recovery is often compared to a rollarcoaster ride...lots of ups and downs.

Keep reading and posting here.... and get those books.

~ Marsh

wow - he was in bed - I went in and apoloigized so unlike ME before the EA - and told him to forget my request, he said we could talk about it further if I wanted to. I then said I would go to the gym in the morning as he had requested earlier - before I lost my HEAD!

THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING HERE!

No real advice here, but love your username <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Hi All - first off I hope everyone is safe from the storms that came rumbling through TN last evening - my thoughts are with you.

Last night my WH and I completed the EN Questionnaire. After completing we reviewed each need and played Q & A's about the need. We have talked more to each other in the past 5 days than we have in years!

My question: His #1 need is Sexual Fulfillment and mine is affection.

Before I go any further should I be posting this in the EN forum? not sure....

THANKS!

No need to switch forums . . . keep your thread here.

It is great that you are doing the EN questionaire. No that you know his #1 need, what are you going to do about it? Now that he knows your #1 what is his plan to meet it for you?

Hello - thanks for the quick response.

I know his need and wouldn't you know it - it is where I have the biggest, tallest, thickest wall. My desire for sex is low unless I have a few drinks - after a few drinks my walls come tumbling down. The first few years of our marriage we would go out often have some wine and I would loosen up therefore our sex life was fulfilling his needs. The reasons for the walls - there are many uncovered reasons - the strongest fear of abandonment. How that connects still can not figure it out and I am a Master's in Counseling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My need is where he has the most difficulty. I am very scared that we will not be able to meet the #1 EN's.

We have generated a list of action items to help us begin meeting the needs - how often do you re-evaluate?

When is it time for me to reconnect with him - would now be to soon - for me it feels like I would be rewarding his devious actions - "if I want sex all I have to do is have an affair" Irrational thinking?

Words of wisdom please........

Any advice from anyone online?

David Schnarch theorizes in his book, Passionate Marriage, that the reason someone does not want to want (desire) their spouse is b/c their spouse IS so important to them.

He says when your partner's importance exceeds your ability to self-soothe, your partner becomes too important to want.

Link to ------> PASSIONATE MARRIAGE

~ Marsh

I am looking - you know I just went to Barnes and Nobel and saw his book - chose another though.....not enough time in the day to read all the books I would like to (smile)!!

Thank you for your reply - I am looking......

Marshmallow (and others) have you heard anything about the intense marriage counseling that David Schnarch offers in Colorado? I have asked for more information from his site and my WH said he would attend.

Marshmallow - I tried to PMessage you but my PM button is grayed out...hmmmmmm

I only know about his intense marriage counseling from what he wrote about in his book.

The PMs have been disabled here.

If you'd like to talk off-line, we can e-mail each other.

~ Marsh

HB,

Would your WH agree to this?----> MB WEEKEND

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh.

I spoke to WH about the MB weekend and he was not interested. However was interested in attending the intense counseling sessions.

I believe we are heading down the right path. We had a nice evening and re-connected if you know what I mean <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We are taking this a day at a time. If it was not for this MB I do not know where I would be right now.

It is horrible that something like this had to happen to make me realize how much he means to me! I hope he is feeling the same way.

We can email - do I just post my email address here?

Hi HB,

What reason did your WH give for not wanting to go on an MB weekend?

I'm a little concerned that your WH doesn't want to go, but is willing to go see a counselor to fix YOUR problem.

Don't get me wrong, I think seeing David Schnarch is a good idea. It's just that you may be putting the cart before the horse.

Your WH had a PA, not an EA, b/c he admits to, at least, having kissed her. Recovery takes time. Is he going through w/drawals? Typically he ought to be very sad, and w/drawn. Is he?

I'm worried that he may have taken the A underground. Are you spying on him?

And yes, you can post your e-mail address here, and when I've got it, I'll let you know and you can delete it.

~ Marsh

Also, is he reading here?

~ Marsh

Hi Marsh - he is not reading here.

He just called me and told me the OW phoned his cell and that he did not answer. What do I do about this? I want to call her and her husband but not sure what to do - maybe she thrives on causing drama...

I have been checking his cell/text records each day and I do not observe contact or strange numbers. Check his missed calls on his cell and email daily.

I hope I am right in believing that there has not been contact. From my observation I do not see that he is "missing her".

I have been being the spouse he wants and he has been communicating and showing me affection. Am I doing this all wrong??? I hope not!!!

As for the intense counseling - I do not think his intensions are for us to go to fix my problem but for us to learn more about each other.

I am open to any advice -



THANKS MARSH!

Hello everyone. WH just phoned and said OW called him at the hospital where he works. He avoided one call but then she had him paged. He is obligated to answer a page in case of emergency - I understand this. He hung up after he heard her voice. Is this what he should continue to do?

OW is going to drive me crazy! I feel like she is following me when I am out - no proof of this...paranoid I guess.

How long until she will stop contact with him? Her husband is aware and trying his best to win her back.

Any suggestions????

Hi hurting
She may be following you around. She may accost WH outside the hospital at the end of his work day. She may call you too or send you a bag of WH's clothes. FatSlag did all over the above.

In my case Slag was so upset about the loss of her meal ticket that she got friends to call WH to give him sob stories about how the end of the A had caused a nervous breakdown and the loss of her job. Complete rubbish from beginning to end. Job was fine. Turned out she had been cheating on him too all along. OWs are not nice people.

You can get a restraining order. Eventually though, she will find a new victim as long as your H keeps ignoring her.

Helo LTA!

Thank you for your reply. I certainly know how crazy women can get when they want someone badly enough - was there in my college days.

We really just want her to go away!!!

I am sure WH's NO CONTACT makes her want him even more - she WAS a nurse at the hospital and was stealing drugs - this was discovered after another nurse found her near death in the bathroom with a syringe in her arm. WH was evidently attracted to her and phoned her when he found this out to "check" on her. This is when they started meeting up - worked together for a year so I am positive an emotional affair during this year - went to another level when they began meeting and kissing. I discovered this level of contact 30 days into the A - which I thought was an EA - now know that it was a PA since they kissed.

I know she is ill and just hope that she does not call him and say she is going to kill herself - she just may!

The plan is to continue NO CONTACT and for him to be as transparent as I need him to be.

Is there anything else we should be doing? We are reading, discussing and both doing our best to meet each others EN's. We continue to march forward.......

It is ashame that this is what it took for me to realize how important he is to me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

HurtingBadly -

Sorry, but you can't expect to recover the marriage if they continue working together. It just never works out. We've had people here try it, and sometimes even 5 years later, the affair starts up again.

Believer,

The OW WAS a nurse in the hospital HB's WH worked at.

HB,

I'm very happy to hear that WH is telling you about OW calling him.

Your WH needs to change his cell phone number. Maybe your lawyer could write OW a strongly worded letter telling her not to contact your family again?

You might have to get a RO on this woman.

She sounds wacked.

Sounds like you are doing everything right.

~ Marsh

PS: Watch your mail.

Thank goodness she was fired from the hospital when they found out she was stealing drugs and almost dead. I would not accept him working at the same hospital as her but no worries since she is outta there!!!!

Got it.

Now I'm very optimistic. Do be aware of your surroundings. We had one betrayed wife who was attacked with a pool stick as she was getting out of her car. The OW was a nut case and fractured bones in her face, her jaw, and her clavicle.

Hello everyone - I wanted to provide an update. When this whole A slapped me in the face I was not sure what I was going to do. My emotions were crazy. I found the support and information I needed on this site.

I thank all of you for being here and sharing your wisdom!
The marriages and families you have saved MUST be numerous.

My situation continues to improve and I am satisfied with the strides we are both making. It is hard work and I do hope that this hard work becomes more natural for me.

Our communication has increased - we have been working hard at meeting each other's EN's and our marriage feels stronger than it has been in years. CRAZY? UNBELIEVABLE? but very true!!

I believe our recovery is moving faster than normal. I contribute this to our willingness to learn and open our minds.

I hope that I can continue to give hope to others and that I am not posting in a week or two or three that I have been blindsided. I am a believer and will continue to read....

I am thankful......

Smile today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hello again everyone. All is still going well in my house. OW emailed husband yesterday and he came and told me as soon as he opened it. We discussed the email and there will be no reply - no contact means just that - NO CONTACT. I am very optimistic about where our journey is taking us.

In a sick kind of way - this A changed our lives for the better. Has this happened to anyone else??

I have been more honest with him than I have ever been and I feel he has been being open with me also. We talk - MAKE time for us and continue to build a stronger foundation. I can now see how removed I was from him and he can see how starved for affection I was.

HNHN is right on the MONEY!!! I continue to thank my lucky stars for finding this site!! I am glowing, feel loved, respected and honored!

Has your husband written a no contact letter to the OW? It is not good that she is continuing to email him.

Hello - not an actual letter but he has told her not to contact him. If he writes a letter now wouldn't this invite converstaion?

He has changed his cell number - our home number no longer works - next is to get a new email address. She was contacting him at work (through pager) her works at a hospital but has not this week - I hope she is moving on........

Oh yes I hope.......

Hi again - another update - well I had an emotional day this week. Husband said something that angered me and I went right back to hatred for him. My love bank was depleted.

Someone please tell me that it will not always be this way?

I stewed over the comment all day and afternoon then when I returned from work I told him we needed to talk. We spoke open and honestly and cleared the air. Feeling better again. A positive I would have held this anger for weeks before the A. We worked through the feelings and moved on.

Any words of wisdom?