Marriage Builders®
Posted By: julcai Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/27/08 04:30 PM
Hello everyone,
I’m new to the forum, which I’ve found a fascinating source of information and generous contributions. Two months ago I discovered my husband’s 6-month infidelity with a coworker and I’m devastated. We’ve been married for 8 years and this is the second time that he’s cheated on me –first time was a 3-day thing with an ex girlfriend. He’s broken up with her new lover, she’s moved to another job and he’s very repentant and willing to do anything to save our marriage –for now, we’re doing individual counseling prior to couple’s, to be done at a later time. I love him very much but feel that I cannot and he does not deserve to be forgiven.

However, often, I wish I could just forget everything and continue with our life as if nothing had happened. So, I try not to think and feel the pain, put it aside and enjoy my husband’s company and love while addressing the couple’s problems that created the context for the affair. However, all of a sudden, a day, any day, the anger, resentment and pain emerge and we go through a sudden full-blown crisis that lasts 1-2 days. This leaves us exhausted and we recommence the cycle of love-pain/hate feelings.

My question today is: based on your experience, what is the best way to overcome this suffering and roller coaster mixed feelings? Is it to try to live a harmonic, loving relationship with your spouse while working on the couple’s problems? Or is it to suffer, cry, feel the anger and satisfy your thirst for revenge until you run out of all those nasty feelings so that you can then move on to the harmonic, loving, problem-solving phase?

I hope my question is clear enough… at this point in time, I’m all confusion and I’m sure that gets reflected in my language.

Thank you in advance for your valuable advice,
Posted By: Krazy71 Re: Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/27/08 04:53 PM
I'm certainly no expert on MB principals, but there is NO way to "handle" feelings of anger, sadness, etc. You've got to let them out in the least destructive way you can, or they will eat you alive.

You are going to be furious. You are going to be very sad and hopeless at times. You will likely never be the same person again. All you can do is try and keep it from getting too far out of hand.

Nearly 2 years after d-day, I'm a complete mess just below my exterior. I can hide how I feel from co-workers, etc. My W can tell "something" is wrong, but I don't care to let her in...she can't help me.

Just hang on to the roller coaster. It's not stopping anytime soon. You've got to figure out the best way for YOU to handle it, and keep reading. There are some good, wise people on this site.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/27/08 05:38 PM
I am over a year past d-day and i still have all the feelings you have.

I would have to agree with Krazy. You have to do what is best for you.

Posted By: Fraggles Re: Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/27/08 05:46 PM
The only way I found to effectively deal with the roller coaster, the cycles, etc. was through IC.

You cannot push those feelings down.

My FWH did IC also. He also found a great men's group.

Then we did MC.

It was the safest way to "purge" all those conflicting emotions.

I'd have to say that it took me 3 years to feel "healed."

Hang in there, it can be done.
Posted By: WhoMe Re: Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/27/08 06:12 PM

What Fraggles said it correct. I can only add a couple of points here.

First, pick up copies of Surviving an Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters. These books will be very helpful for you.

As hard as it is, avoid love busting because it isn't going to help your marriage recover.

I think that both the IC and MC are essential for recovery. Any marriage is tough to keep healthy, a marriage affected by infidelity is too damaged to repair without the assistance of a really good, pro-marriage MC.

Moving on to your wish to just forget about what happened and move on. For sure, you are never going to forget that your FWH had an affair any more than you are going to forget other significant life experiences. As hard as it is for you to imagine at this point, you have to accept the facts as they are. Eventually, it won't occupy so much of your time, nor will it hurt as bad. Notice I said as bad, because I believe that it will always hurt.

It takes awhile for the truth to set in that no one can do anything to change the past. It is how you and your FWH deal with the present and future that will determine whether or not your marriage will survive.

Good luck and welcome to MB

Posted By: julcai Re: Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/28/08 01:40 AM
Thanks to all of you for sharing your experiences. I must say, though, that it is not very encouraging to think that 1 or 2 years down the road the pain will still be there. I already feel exhausted having endured this roller coaster for two months, so I cannot imagine what it'll be like to go on like this for years!

Posted By: believer Re: Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/28/08 02:37 AM
If you can afford it, I would get at least one counseling session with the Harleys. Your situation sounds promising, but after going through all you have, you don't want to settle for the same old marriage. You need to insist on a marriage that is much better than the one before.

Sounds like your husband needs to develop some boundaries to avoid this happening AGAIN.

There is no escaping the pain, so at least I would be certain that this is the LAST affair.

Would he be willing to post here?
Posted By: julcai Re: Suffer/Hate or Love? - 03/28/08 01:30 PM
Thanks for offering your views on my situation. You suggest that I get at least one counselling section with the Harleys. Is there any specific reason why you're recommending that given that I'm already seeing a therapist? Also, is your recommendation for me or for both my husband and myself as a couple?

You're also asking whether my husband would be willing to post in the forum. I guess it's for him to get advice from other people on how to develop those boundaries, is that right? I'm not sure he would want to do that, though. I would have to discuss it with him.

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