hello everyone

its been 4 yrs since my husband left to continue his affair with a married woman
almost 3 yrs ago the other woman left her husband and moved in with mine
over a year has passed since my husband filed for divorce and i've run out of ways to stall

i've got a stack of steve harley's books
i've read more posts here than i could ever count
i did a good plan A, a not so great plan B but then I pulled myself together and i've done a great plan B for about 2 and 1/2 years. it's not like i've had much choice anyway. we don't have children and have no reason to have contact with each other since the lawyers do that for us

counting the 18 months the affair was going on before my husband left, all totaled, this affair has lasted close to 6 years

nothing i've done has made any difference

i'm sad to say that i really do believe that my husband is one of the 3% of affairs that survive (i think i read 3% here somewhere)

i wish i didn't still love him but i do

I am in that 3% as well that lasts. Its been 2 1/2 years since separated and divorced and EX has married OW and it looks if it is going strong. I am in a very dark plan b even though we have children only contact thru email and only one of our 3 children see their father.

I'm not waiting for him just living my life as best as I can thats all we can do.

We still haven't settled the property yet as he is the one who is stalling and I'm not sure why, he is remarried owns a home with her living his own life but whon't settle with me. Go figure

I'm sorry for both of you, but let me ask a question. Are you sure your WS's are so happy?

I was married very young and my (then) wife started an affair with an old BF about a year after we married. He had been in the service and when he got back, their relationship took off again. We divorced and they married about a month and a half after the divorce. They moved to Fla, moved back, had two kids, and are still married going on 25 years later. Would you consider that a successful marriage?

Ok, now the rest of the story. My ex has had at least 3 affairs on her current husband. One ONS with an assistant minister at their church and two others that have lasted varying lengths. He has stayed with her, but I'm not sure why. It never ceases to amaze me that someone would marry a person they are in an affair with when they KNOW that their OP is willing to break their martial vows. I remember when I heard about my ex's affair with the church dude and my brother and I both said at the same time "can't teach an old dog new tricks".

I guess I'm just trying to say that just because your spouses seem to be in that 3% that make it doesn't necessarily mean everything is hunky dorey in affairland. Is it possible they aren't happy but just won't admit it because that would mean they would have to admit that the affair and marriage was a mistake?

Maybe it's time to move on and live YOUR life with someone who treats you with the respect and gives you the love you deserve.

Just my .02

Not even Dr. Harley would want anyone to stay so long in Plan B. The timeframe he uses is 2 years....about the same amount of time research shows that the biochemistry of infatuation runs it's course. It is the outer extreme of patience, and beyond that is not good OR effective. If your wayward spouse has not come back after that, it's time to move forward with your own life. Please remember, that this is the only life you get too.

Stop waiting and start living.

Even if he is in the 3%, that doesn't mean he's happy or that this marriage will last beyond 5 years. Hopefully, if he comes back after that....you won't want him.

Get divorced. Live your life.

The fact that few affairs survive is consistent with other non-marriage relationships. Bottom line is, it doesn't matter for you. Their affair has survived and it is time to move on.

What they have will ALWAYS be an affair. Always.

I agree. Move on with your life. He has obviously moved on with his. His relationship (and I use that term loosely) may or may not last. Who cares? why would you want the man he is now anyway?

My ex as been with ow in one form or another since the fall of 2004. She left her H and got an apt. I threw out mine once I found out (it was the last straw in a long line of affairs) and he moved in with her. Do I think things are perfect and hunky dory? nope. I even here she has a guy on the side. And I don't care anymore. They both get what they deserve. I have moved on and have a wonderful much better life with out him.

I was asked the other day, if he wanted to come home, if he had repented,etc, would I take him back? I didn't even hesitate: HELL NO!

Go into counseling, and get your life together, without him.

mlhb

My ex's affair began in the fall of 2002 and they lived together until Jan 07. Then, less than 2 weeks after our D was final, they broke up. He continued in the fog for another 7 months and then wanted to get back together. So I know that if you wait long enough, most end.

However, please tell us what you have been doing with your life to make it good. For me, the time my ex spent in the affair and away was too long. I didn't want him any longer. I'd be very surprised if you still do want yours.

I am sorry that you are in this situation.

I think the larger point that you're missing is the fact that it doesn't really matter if your WH thinks he is happy or not, he is still a wayward. What about YOUR LIFE? Even if his affair ended tomorrow, would you really want him back? Would he opt to come back to you? In reality, it is difficult to know the answers to those questions until you are faced with them. You can't plan your life around "what if's". At this point it seems like you are just wasting your life away waiting for his A to end. You only get one life and at some point you have to decide to start focusing on YOURSELF. You can have a healthy and happy life again, but the focus needs to be on YOU and not your WH.

ITA, robertswife!!

Heck, Mr. Gray and Slag discussed statistics in their early correspondence. Apparently one of both of them did research on it. Or maybe Mr. Gray remembered it from the last time he did it to his XW!!! LOL!!

He had the percentage wrong, though. His was too high. Like 5% or something. Maybe 7. But I digress.

So grab onto life by the coat tails! There's a great big world out there just waiting!

I am not waiting for Mr. Gray. I don't see the point. I don't know if he'll even talk to me when they are over and I really don't care at this point.

I know it's a terribly overused cliche, but living well really IS the best revenge. Even if you don't care about getting revenge. LOL!

i went to counseling for awhile when he first left and again for awhile when he filed for D

i'm not sitting around waiting for him. i've kept busy living or i would never have made it through all of this insanity

i've given up any real hope that he will return

i just really beleived that this affair would end by now and i just thought that after all this time and after all the awful things he did, i wouldn't still love him

i've read somewhere that i5 takes 1 year for every 5 that you were in a serious relationship and/or marraige to get over it and heal

well, our relationship lasted more that 20 years total so maybe soon i will stop having that ache in my heart that still wishes he were my husband

believer

i appreciate your sharing your story

i've wondered if there was a possibility that as long as i was "his wife" even just on paper, that the affair seemed more exciting to them both

it could be that as long as that woman thinks someone else wants him, that he's some great prize she won

and as long as he believes (rightfully so) that everything i wrote in my plan B letter so long ago is still true because i've stalled the divorce this long, that he IS some great prize and that he has a "back up" always waiting for him

they will both probably realize what leftover losers they are stuck with once no one else seems to want either of them anymore (her husband decided this long ago and HE divorced her)

in reality though, he signed an agreement and I followed through on everything that I said I would and he didn't do his part or give me any of the $ he promised to.

He actually left me numerous messages telling me he was broke and begging me to let him out of his side of the agreement-to show him some mercy and just agree to the divorce

tragic

just two months ago he finally realized that he would lose in court and have to hold up his end of the agreement so he gave in.
it cost him more in the end because according to the agreement, he had to pay all of my legal counsel fees for enforcing the agreement

why i expected him to feel obligated to a separation agreement when he didn't feel obligated to marriage vows is beyond me

Ivebeenwaiting,

I don't get on the forum as much as I used to but I did stumble on your post. I may have something of interest on your subject but I will let you be the judge.

I am almost at the 4 year aniversary of D day and am 16 months beyond my official D. I recently sent a very polite 3 sentence email to my ex asking about a hard drive containing some very valuable pictures of my dying mother Now mind you in the 4 years since D day I have called her maybe twice and I have not seen nor contacted her in over 6 months. I have just been living my life.

Her reply to me was an invective filled F this and F you and F that and especially stop bothering me with this stuff.

My reply was that I was sorry for her obvious continued unhappiness and that as always she would remain in my prayers.

She always was and always will be in my prayers.

And then I had a big laugh

i see what you are saying

like my husband beggin me to forget about his part of the agreement because he
has no money left"

we never had any real money problems together

i guess he traded one set of "problems" (his unmet emotional needs) for another

maybe he should rethink his needs and he will realize that my not being around to fawn all over him and talk to him for hours on the phone was because i was out WORKING to help pay our bills

unlike his married other woman who was a stay at home mom, being supported by her hard working husband, so she has plently on time to pay attention to my husband

but at least he's got someone there to talk on the phone with him all day and tell him how wonderful and manly he is (if they can afford a phone that is)

i wonder

why would someone make such a big mistake that it seems they are unhappier now than they thought they were before and not do anything to make it right?

Waiting,


Considering this and how long he has been gone, IMHO, it is well past the time that you should move on.

I think that you would be surprised if he did actually end the affair and want to come home ... you would probably find that all of the qualities that made you love him are gone.

I agree with the others here that just because the affair is still ongoing does not mean that they will stay together, it just means that they are still hanging on.

Please stop focusing on WH and OW and make a happy fulfilling life for yourself.

Who

i don't think that moving on with my life means that I have to stop loving my husband or ending my desire for us to reconcile

i'm busy with my job, friends and family

i'm just not interested in dating anyone else

i believe that marraige is for life according to God's law even if Man's laws allow for divorce

my priest told me to pray for my husband to find his way back to God and then back to our marraige

i asked him how God would ever allow someone to forever be joined in marraige to someone they may never see again

he told me that we will see each other again in heaven and will be together then as man and wife

well crap

my crummy husband gets two "wives" and I get one that I won't be with again until we both die

Quit relying on others to tell you what's right. What kind of leader would encourage a person to stay in a broken marriage to be with thier WS in heaven? Absolutely sick imo. If he is right, then by his own logic you can divorce here on earth, according to earthly laws, and then you will STILL end up with your WS in heaven, right? So why waste this life waiting on a man that has abandoned you for 6 years?

There's much scriptural evidence to support the idea that God allows divorce in the case of adultery if that's what you need.

Its your life, take charge of it.

i am aware that God's law permits ME to file for divorce on the ground of adultry

I've chosen not to

I've chosen to honor my vows

I'm aware that what my priest said is kinda crazy

it's also crazy that my husbands self proclaimed very catholic family who have suddendly changed their thinking about marraige and divorce so that it accepts my husbands actions because they "only want him to be happy"

i sent a letter to the family priest asking that he speak to my in-laws but he would not do this without thier request

in my opinion, my husband, that woman and my in-laws should all be banned from any catholic church

but it's not going to happen

i guess i'm just really confused about how a family and my husband can change their beleifs and values so completely when they had the same values as I did

i know that everyone says that blood is thicker than water

but i was foolish enough to beleive that values, beliefs and morals were what gave a person their character and that leads all of our choices in life

the main thing for me thought is that i still love my husband and would be willing to forgive and reconcile if he ended his affair and was remorseful and i am saddened that plan A and B didn't give me the outcome that I had hoped for

My sisters husband had an affair with her best friend of 20 years who happened to be engaged to one of his friends at the time!My sister had been with her husband since high school (15 yrs).Her daughter was 5 and her son 3months when he left her.They were seperated a year and divorced now for 2 so 3 years in total.Over time they have remained friends something the girlfriend hates.Now the kids are 8 and 3 and there are so many problems with the girlfriend and his kids.The 8 yr old is seeing a physcologist.Her EXH is devastated at this and told my sister that he was going to have a heart to heart with the girlfriend and if she doesn't change they are finished.

This validates what the info says about affair marriages(they were thinking of getting married)The sad thing is my sister would never take him back cos she has lost respect for him.

I believe we are married on earth but not in heaven.

I copied the following:

I know of nothing in scripture that would indicate that marriage is anything more than an earthly relationship. Here are some reasons I say this:

1. In Romans, chapter seven, the woman is freed from the marriage at the death of her husband. When her husband dies, she is loosed from the law of her husband (Romans 7:2) and freed to marry another man (Romans 7:3). If marriage were eternal, this would not be the case. She would have required to wait for her husband--or perhaps die with him as is done in some pagan cultures.

2. The story in Matthew 22:23-30 is very clear. There is no marriage in heaven. I do not see this passage being able to teach anything else.

3. According to Galatians 3:28, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." In Christ, many of the distinctions that we have on earth are done away with. I do not know all that this means concerning men and women. However, just as racial differences (Jew or Greek) and social differences (bond or free) mean nothing in Christ, so gender differences (male or female) mean nothing in Him. When we get to heaven, these differences will either be non-existent or they will be inconsequential.

4. I know of no scripture that teaches that the marriage bond is forever as you say. It is very much a relationship for this earth. Even the wedding vows say till death do you part. I do agree with you that the relationships we have in heaven will eternally exceed anything we have known on earth. But they will not be like those we have on earth. I hope this helps.

You can look it up yourself and not count what the priest said. I believe he was flawed in what he said or you misunderstood him.

What they have will ALWAYS be an affair. Always.


Damm Mk

Thats perfect. And true. Poop with a coat of paint is still.......

So sorry to hear that you are still in this situation, and still feel exactly the same as you did years ago.

By the way, dear, your story sounds very very similar to another poster who posted many many times in years past.

The above mentioned poster was also advised numerous times to move forward and her reaction to that advice was the same as yours is too....

Anyway, I really am sad to see that this same exact situation is happening again.....


My name is still the same -- carnation

In the end... we all do what we want to do anyway! or what we feel is right for our situation. I can see myself waiting/standing years down the road for my WH. People can say move on with your life, you deserve better, for some of us there may be a deep conviction or faith that waiting our WS out is what we are supposed to be doing. I worked in a local elementary achool for a few years and met some very bitter divorced women and swore I would never live such an unhappy life. At the time I didn't have an inkling that anything like this would be happening to my family. Sometimes I wonder why is it fair for the OW to be happy while I am sad, missing my WH? I know she won't be happy all the time, even if she is now ;-) I know what living with my dh is like, he can't change so much as to be a completely different person. I can already see he isn't as happy as he was hoping he would be.

Several of us wonder why they don't come home if they know they are welcome to and they know they aren't happy where they are... probably pride... or maybe they aren't strong enough to guarantee even to themselves that they won't break our heart again... who knows for sure? probably a bit different for everyone anyway.


I say if it's in you to continue standing for your marriage then go for it! I am and I'm at peace with my choice.

I am torn in my thoughts.

I agree with Serenity that in the end, it is wholeheartedly your choice to make. However, It seems as if you are letting your WH A "steal" you life from you.

I understand that you aren't just sitting at home pining away for him and that you may not have an interest in dating others, but you are not giving yourself a chance to mourn the death of your M. IMO you are caught in a denial of sorts...

You may believe that you still love you WH. You may believe that if he were to end the A and return to you that it is possible to recover from this. It may be possible. But my question is this, is a man who is able to hurt you as deeply as he is hurting you...continuing to hurt you...really the man you want to spend your life with.

I agree that marriage is a one time deal. But he has forsaken you in the most devastating of ways. I can only imagine the pain that you must carry, and I am so sorry.

I wonder if you might consider IC (independent counseling) to help YOU to recover from this. Even though you may love WH, don't you think that he is "abusive" and you may be subject to the ties that many abused spouses feel...the desire not to leave, to do everything you can to keep them because somehow your worth is tied to them? I don't know.

Again, I am so sorry for your pain. You are a stronger woman than I. My prayers are with you.

ivebeenwaiting - I am hesitant to respond because both what you have been going through and "differences in beliefs" are sensitive subjects talk about. So with that in mind, I'm going to dip my toe into what you said in this post because it seems to form the basis of your "holding" issue, grounded in your faith and hope. Hopefully you will think about these comments as you continue to evaluate the direction you want to take.


Marriage was intended, according to Jesus' affirmation, to be between one man and one woman for their natural lifetimes. Period. However, God also grants the right to a divorce to the Faithful Spouse when the unfaithful spouse has committed "marital unfaithfulness," primarily of the adultery variety. That is do SO THAT the Faithful Spouse CAN marry again and NOT also commit adultery by doing so.

THAT "2nd," or "3rd", etc. marriage after adultery on the part of the unfaithful spouse is the supposed to be for life.




There is absolutely nothing wrong with this advice about what to pray for, but be careful that the primary focus of the prayer is not on the "back to our marriage" part but on the "back to God with or without you" part.




Please allow me to respectfully disagree strongly with this advice and counsel. There are at least two very fundamental biblical flaws with this "reasoning" and "advice."

Let me address them in reverse order:

1. There will be NO marriages in heaven other than the "marriage of the Lamb."

"Jesus replied: "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." (Matthew 22:29-30, NIV)

The proof is in Jesus' statements and what God has revealed about marriage in the Scripture. What Jesus is speaking about here is that marriage ENDS with death. The "I want to be with you in eternity" thought that is often applied to marriage is true for believers, but unbelievers will NOT be in heaven, and you will NOT be married to someone who will spend eternity eternally separated from God and unable to "come to where you are." Furthermore, as Jesus addressing the Sadducees (who did not believe in the resurrection and the continuance of life after death) said, a person who remarries AFTER their current spouse dies, will NOT be committing adultery, will be married to that person for the rest of their natural lives, and will NOT be married to anyone of their previous spouses in heaven.

Jesus "clarified" the will of God in that HE included adultery as a "marital death" that is equivalent to physical death in releasing the Faithful Spouse from the covenant of marriage so that the Faithful could remarry again without committing the sin of adultery theirself.

2. Your priest is mistaken, in my humble opinion. You WILL NOT see your husband in heaven UNLESS he repents of his sin and seeks the forgiveness of God. The Scripture is quite clear that unrepentant adulterers will NOT be in heaven. If he is not in heaven, there would be no way for you to "see him" there.

"Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolators nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you wer sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." (1 Corinthians 6:9-11, NIV, emphasis added)

God does not "justify" the unrepentant. The "warning" to each of us is to "examine ourselves." Jesus WILL say to many who have "done their own thing" but think they are "saved," "Away from me you evildoers, I NEVER knew you."



No he doesn't. Also, you, as a believer, are already "married" to Jesus by way of God's promise to all believers. Jesus will be the "bridegroom" and we will be His "bride." But there will be no "physical marriage" in heaven as we have on earth.

God bless.

i think maybe he hates what he did and wants to pretend that it never happened. it's easier to do that when he can pretend that i no longer exsist.

as long as i am still his wife "by law" I continue to be a reminder of what they did. her husband chose divorce.

maybe for both of them, they are happy and will continue to be happy together because they both help the other to deny the truth about the people they destroyed

i do know that i have offerred forgiveness to him and he said that he can't believe that i could forgive him when he will never forgive himself

it's too bad that we never get to find out what the people who don't end up at a place like this saying that they regret what they did really think and feel in the end

We have only a few items left to finalize and then our divorce will be final. i'm letting go because i've got no other choice left.

i wonder what will happen then

Hopefully what will happen... is you find joy in YOUR life. Sometimes couples get back together after divorce. Who knows what's in store for you, but you can choose to be happy! You can choose what you do, but not what they do. Good thoughts and wishes headed your way!!

i really am in a confusing place

i do feel that i've mourned my marraige

i believe this because I feel like I'm a widow-married to someone i may never see alive again

i've stopped wearing my rings because the circle of unbroken loyality and fidelity they represented to me has been broken

i've shared openly with my friends and family that my divorce will be final soon. They know what led to the divorce, that it was not me but my husband that filed and they know that i still love him (they think i'm foolish)

i've asked my lawyer to send me the documentation for changing back to my maiden name because it seems foolish to share a name with someone who doesn't want to share a life with me any longer

i realize that I'm not living like a married person. you can't really do this when you are all alone

but my heart is still committed to my husband

ps
i've never really considered before that i am allowing him to steal my future

he has stolen so much from me already

i'm not sure that I can ever get back what he has taken

"maybe for both of them, they are happy and will continue to be happy together because they both help the other to deny the truth about the people they destroyed"

That may work for awhile, even for six years. But sooner or later, (if not now), they will be faced with the fact that the one thing they know for certain about the other is that they cheat.

For the life of me, I just can not understand why you have given him this much power over you ??

carnation

i agree that we think it's very easy to see that they are both cheaters. I really think though that they have convinced themselves that they only cheated because of the situation they were in that caused them to be so unhappy and that they would NEVER cheat on each other.

i think i'm just trying to make sense out of this

i guess it would be helpful for me to read posts from the people who had affairs to find out what their thoughts were

i know that everyone's thinking is different and that no-one can help me to know what is really going on in my husabnd's mind but it may help me to get a general idea

Delving into the wayward mind is an unpleasant and generally unproductive endeavor. That isn't going to keep you from trying, I know, because I struggled with trying to understand the "why's" too, and I was as unsatisfied as everyone told me I would be with the "answers" I found.

Do you know right from wrong?

There is no way your H's behavior is ever going to make sense to you, because his actions are based on lies. Lies to himself primarily. YOU cannot make him become honest with himself anymore than you can make him choose the right path. You can choose not to enable those choices, you can choose to remove yourself from further damage as a result of his wrong choices.

All you can control is you. Its scarey to embrace that, but once you do, it is quite powerful.

you are most likely right

although it would be nice to have some reason to believe that they are miserable when i can only imagine they are happy or they would have ended the affair

i am dreading the possibility that they are already, or will become engaged when the divorce is final and then will marry

i know it will most likely happen since they ahve been together this long but at the same time i can't really imagine him as someone else's husband because my heart still considers him mine

it would help me, i think, to have some communication with his family but it's an awkward situation for them to be in.

my sisters in laws have continued to e-mail me pictures. it makes me feel good to know that they still want to share graduation, new births and baptisms with me but it also makes me sad to be missing out on these things

i think that if we had children, that family connection would be kept through them

are there other posters here who have continued to hold out hope after such a long time?

I will gently bow out of this, since you are not responding to me, which does not surprise me.

Let me just add - it is very disturbing that you are exactly in the same place you were years ago....

(nothing anyone says here will make a difference, unless, of course they tell you to keep holding on - or, that your husband is miserable)


carnation

There are others that have been miserable for longer than you, of course. That doesn't mean it is the way to go though, nor does it make it "normal" or healthy.

Its a brutal hand you've been dealt, don't take the harsh seeming tone for a lack of sympathy.

We all would love to see you reclaim YOUR life. There is a whole world out there for you, it is time for you to find your place in it without your husband. His happiness or unhappiness, it not a factor in your happiness. Really, truly, if you could cause him to be miserable, even if you knew that that misery would not bring him back to you, would you condemn him to that? To what effect?

The thing is, you can't cause him to feel anything, so trying to do so or wishing to do so is a waste of your energy, it is an anchor upon you, holding you back. You have to heal, that is true. But you are preventing that from happening by focusing on things you cannot change.

Ive...

I haven't posted in awhile due to health issues, but your posts sound like mine did.

I was married for 20 years, 2 kids, when in '06, ExH decided to have an A with a married woman 17 years younger. I found out, I filed for D a few months later. A decision at times I still regret. Did the plan A, B, no they weren't the best of plans, but I tried. ExH knew I'd forgive him, he never looked back.

OW got D'd. Our D was final last summer. ExH has been living with OW for 2 years now. I heard they were talking engagement over Christmas, who knows if they are or not?

Does he look happy when he comes to get the kids? Yeah. Is he, I don't know, wish I did though. I know, what would that prove? But I guess I want him to be miserable like he's made me.

My life has been changed forever. My kid's lives too. I am ruined financially. The person I thought I could trust and would spend the rest of my life with, is gone. My self esteem is non existant. I'm in IC and we are working on it, but I have a ways to go.

My IC asks me all the time. Why do I let ExH have so much control over me? Why do I care if he is happy or not. He obviously doesn't care about my happiness. IC tells me it's time to move on and live my own life. Take up a hobby etc. etc.

Well you know what? I don't know why I let him control my life, I just do. I wish I knew how he felt, if he's happy with her or is just living with her because he knows if he ends it, he can't make it financially without her, and everyone would say they told him so.

I've joined a gym, joined an area woman's club, even went out on a date a while ago. It's not better. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just telling it like it is. I guess I can't move on like some of the posters here can.

Yeah, I've prayed, even went back to the church that I stoppped going to for awhile. I don't see any difference.

People ask me all the time why would I ever want him back after all he has done to me? Because I still love him. Because maybe a part of me wants OW to get dumpoed by him as I got dumped. Maybe because I am familiar with him. I don't want to start all over dating again and all that cr@p. We could have had a great life together, if only he would have tried to.

Family and friends tell me their relationship won't last. Too big of an age difference. Even my IC tells me it probably won't last. But she then says there is no guarantee that he will want to come back to me if it ever does end. He could take up with someone else, or as I've read here, his pride just won't let him cone back. They've been living together for 2 years now, I don't see it ending. Her family loves him as does his family love her. I guess the age difference doesn't matter to them either, even though ExH is almost as old as her parents are.

These last few days have been hard on me. I've been so good not even thinking about him lately, but I had to call him yesterday regarding an issue about DS and school. When he answered the phone he actually sounded happy to hear from me. That little "hey, how ya doin" gave me hope. So sick I know, but it's things like that that get tov me and I just want to sit with him and ask him if OW is really what he wants. Obviously it is, or he would have chosen our M.

Maybe I need closure. I thought the D would do it, but we never talked about why he chose her etc., etc. Maybe I need that, but then am scared to hear what he has to say, maybe that he never loved me, loves her etc. etc.

Yeah I know, we are D'd, it's over etc., etc. but somedays it just feels like he'll be back again someday.

So I do know how you feel, I do feel your pain. I guess we are the minority here who just can't let go. Is that fair to us? Absolutely not. But after all people have told me, I still can't let go. I went on date, got a hobby, got involved in my community and church. Ya know what? I still miss him. My kids still miss him.

It's not getting easier and I'm at the point where I don't know what else to do, but just live my life day to day and see what today brings me.

I've learned you cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. You can't control what another person does. No matter how hard you wish for something, sometimes it just doesn't come true.

Sorry for being so down. I'm really not sure why I even posted this. I guess just to let you know that you are not alone. Is it sad to see you still hanging on after 6 years? Yeah. But I can see myself there too.

My IC asked me what it would take to forget ExH and move on with my life. I said if I had someone. ExH has someone to come home to, someone to sleep with. Yeah it's a skanky OW, but it's still someone. Who do I have? Maybe if I found someone who loved me, I could move on and forget him, but until then I guess we'll be in the same boat...sinking.

I will keep you in my thoughts...