Marriage Builders
Posted By: NotReallyOk On Triggers.... - 04/08/08 08:23 PM
I was thinking last night.. (while I couldn't sleep) that I hadn't seen a thread on triggers.. I did some searching.. (maybe I'm not searching hard enough) but I thought it might help future and current BS's and WS's to have a list of the things considered triggers to those more experienced.

Some might be hard to talk about, if talking about your triggers is a trigger.. sorry! (don't talk about it.. :-))

Here are a few of mine:

1) Adultery in any movie or TV show.. weather it's glorified or not, I empathize with the BS and it can put me into a blue mood.

2) Having my FWW talk about OM, or remember something they did while we are doing it later on.

3) Nightmares.. I have them, others probably do too.. had one last night.

4) FWW wearing something I know OM found particularly attractive on her, even though I might find it attractive too.

This thread is for BS's and WS's.. It will help me a lot if I can understand the types of things that trigger WS's.. and hopefully mine will help WS's with their BS's.

FWW does a good job of avoiding my triggers if she can. I try my hardest to avoid the ones of hers that I know about. However identifying them can be a painful process.
Posted By: troubled_water Re: On Triggers.... - 04/08/08 09:12 PM
D-day for me was just over 2 yrs ago. Everything was a trigger in the beginning but I'll list the ones that were the worst for me.

Here were some of my triggers...
1) Music because my FWH and OW listened to music when they were together.

2) Romance, adultry in movies.

3) The drive home from work. H and OW met on some of the roads I have to drive by. I still have panic attacks on a 3 mile stretch of hiway.

4) SF - I still have images pop in my head of H and OW together.

5) Any yardwork - I planted flowers, shrubs, etc. during my H's A. He didn't notice until months after D-Day.

6) The model of car the OW owns.

7) H's cell phone. He and OW talked many times a day.

8) Paying bills. Bills went unpaid because he spent many thousands of $$$ on OW.

Just a few here.
Posted By: Krazy71 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/08/08 09:22 PM
Walking through my own front door...every single time.

Hearing OM's name in any context.

Any TV show or movie in which 2 characters, even single ones, are beginning a new romance OR just "hooking up".

Being anywhere near the places I know they met.

Seeing a vehicle like OM's, and there are a ton of them.

Sometimes my own daughter, since it took a paternity test to verify that she is mine.

This site, and others like it.

Sex, sometimes.

Lack of sex, sometimes.

My wife's business attire...I made her throw out all of the work clothes she wore over a 3.5 year period.

My furniture...it has since been replaced.

Living in the same city/state as OM.
Posted By: HurtingSoLong Re: On Triggers.... - 04/08/08 10:05 PM
Anything purchased for me by my wife during the affair - especially Christmas, anniversary, birthday gifts. Most have been thrown away by now.

Staying with my wife in a hotel - they did that once (stupid, I know).

Anytime my wife uses a word or phrase she didn't pick up from me - that happened a lot then and I didn't know where she was getting it.

Seeing my best friend - I was visiting him when it became a PA. I found out when I returned.

Airports. She took me to the airport when it was a EA - by the time she picked me up three days later it was a PA and I was about to be told.

Art Garfunkel or Paul Simon - while the affair was going on, she bought CDs by them. I have no idea if there was a connection, but she never buys CDs. I threw them away. Years later I bought them for her without explanation. She's never listened to them.

A running car parked outside our house - this will send me into a panic. OMW stalked us for a while.
Posted By: noflipping Re: On Triggers.... - 04/08/08 11:36 PM
Triggers;

1) Anniversary time within a couple months of discovery of affairs. I require medication during this time.

2) Any photos taken during the time frame of affairs.


Used to be I could not watch any episodes of TV's Law & Order. Was there ever an episode without adultery? Just Kidding. I got over the media's overwhelming portrayal of adultery after I realized that words, vows and promises are meaningless in today's society.

Thanks for asking!
Posted By: NotReallyOk Re: On Triggers.... - 04/08/08 11:46 PM
Originally Posted by Krazy71
Sex, sometimes.

Lack of sex, sometimes.

My wife's business attire...I made her throw out all of the work clothes she wore over a 3.5 year period.

All three of these get me sometimes. Especially the way WW dresses... I always wonder.. is she dressing for me? her co-workers? or for him.. but I don't want her to stop dressing the way she does.. because *I* like it. So it's something I have to live with I guess.
Posted By: Charynne Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 02:40 AM
Would you believe me if I told you that after 7 plus years, I had to look at a calendar to be sure of the exact anniversary of "D Day"?

That I'm sure I could remember the other woman's last name, if I thought about it, if you give me a minute.

I take that back. I'd have to go look it up.

That once in a while when I drive near her house, I remember that I used to feel creeped out there, but I don't immediately remember why.

That if my husband is late coming home, or I can't reach him on his cell, I immediately think -- "I'll bet he's working hard today and he'll be tired when he gets home" or "He's probably in someone's attic and left the phone in the van."

It isn't as if the affair never happened, but it is so distant, so much a part of the past, that it simply doesn't have any emotional impact. Like a fractured bone: horrifically painful at first, long and difficult recovery, but healed now and no longer a handicap or a hindrance.
Posted By: Turksmom Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 12:10 PM
Thanks for reminding us why we keep going. Hard to believe we can get there sometimes.
Noticed many of the triggers are the same. Here are a few of mine

1. The pictures during that time. Why are his arms around me?
I can't look at pictures of our son's first birthday.

2. Cell phone calls that go unanswered or he'll call back later

3 Her name. Can't watch what used to be one of our favorite movies because one of the characters has her name

4. Products by the company she works for (that's how they met)

5. Somedays, pretty much anything
Posted By: wadeallie Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 12:31 PM
Oh BoY! Many of these are still too fresh.

1) Her name and the name she uses in her email
2) Hotel rooms because I found where she reviewed a motel she
stayed at with my H, after he swore they'd always only gone
to her home.
3) Adultery in films and tv
4) A hilltop close to home, because he wrote an email that when
he hiked to the top of that hill is when he 'knew' he loved
OW over me.
5) Oral sex because he advertised on a sex site that was his
specialty.
Posted By: Balin Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 01:55 PM
Wow, there are so many...

1. Already threw out our couch in the basement. It was the first place we kissed while in college. It was also the first place she...well, yeah. It's gone now.

2. Threw out all of her underwear, bras, and pajamas. I didn't even know if she had them all back then, but, just in case, they've ALL been replaced.

3. Thongs. She's NEVER liked wearing one for me, but wore the one OM bought for her. This one sucks...she looks GREAT in them.

4. I will never own a pop-up camper.

5. My house. We bought it during the A! Seriously! Who would buy a house with a man who's not important enough to keep her pants on?

6. My boys...born after the A. I didn't get a PT. They look like me and, either way, I'm raising them as my own. They deserve at least one honest and faithful parent.

7. The hills and fields within a 20-mile radius of our town where most of the PA happened. I have to drive through them every time we visit her parents. Yeah!

8. My bed. She says it never happened in there, but I was gone a lot of nights at work to make extra money for us. Why wouldn't they?

9. Sex and lack of of sex, both. Sex for obvious reasons, and lack of sex because that's what we had during the A. It doesn't really matter what happens at night - I'm uncomfortable either way.

10. Every time I see her naked. She is so beautiful, but I wasn't worth saving it. He got to see and touch her. It used to be just mine.

11. Her eyes. Someone else got to gaze into her beautiful eyes.

12. Every single time she goes out by herself, which is now just once a week to Bible study and sometimes to the store for a few minutes. I always wonder, though.

13. Every time the phone rings, since we check the Caller ID now for every call wondering if we should pick it up.

14. Every time I check her email account.

15. Every time I come here and wonder how my life ended up to the point where I needed to come here.

16. The entire city of New Orleans.

17. Country music. She never listened to the crap until she met him. Thankfully, she has ceased listening to it again.

Want more? I could make it at least to 100.
Posted By: NotReallyOk Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 04:00 PM
Originally Posted by Turksmom
Noticed many of the triggers are the same.

This is one of the reasons I wanted to start this thread. If we start to make a list people will know what to expect.

I told one of my friends last night that even though things are going well with FWW and I, I am looking for the pothole's in the road so I can try and avoid them the best I can.

Thanks for everyones responses.. they are great so far, keep them coming.
Posted By: gettingitback Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 04:08 PM
1) His work clothes

2) The city where they met

3) Places they went together

4) Clothing stores (she was really into fashion...at least I'm saving a lot of money!)

5) Sex (this pisses me off!)

6) Him at times, although he is a new person now

7) Photo albums from that time...FWH looks so guilty in all of the pictures. Why do my family memories have to be intertwined with the pain of this..unfair.

8) I simply can't watch tv or movies because I know I would be triggered like crazy by almost anything esp. romance or affair things.

Posted By: NotReallyOk Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 04:36 PM
Originally Posted by Charynne
Would you believe me if I told you that after 7 plus years, I had to look at a calendar to be sure of the exact anniversary of "D Day"?

That I'm sure I could remember the other woman's last name, if I thought about it, if you give me a minute.

I take that back. I'd have to go look it up.

That once in a while when I drive near her house, I remember that I used to feel creeped out there, but I don't immediately remember why.

That if my husband is late coming home, or I can't reach him on his cell, I immediately think -- "I'll bet he's working hard today and he'll be tired when he gets home" or "He's probably in someone's attic and left the phone in the van."

It isn't as if the affair never happened, but it is so distant, so much a part of the past, that it simply doesn't have any emotional impact. Like a fractured bone: horrifically painful at first, long and difficult recovery, but healed now and no longer a handicap or a hindrance.

It's nice to hear that it gets better! Stories like this give us all hope that things will stop being triggers. Thanks Charynne!
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 04:52 PM
It does get better and things do cause triggers that don't affect you after a while.

I use to get very upset if I saw the movie "The Fog" sitting on a shelf or in a commercial. That's the movie that was playing when the EXWW cheated.

One very liberating moment for me came when I was able to pick up the movie and read the sleeve.

Do I care to see it? No. But it's existence quit being a trigger.

Other things are triggers, though. Kids can be triggers depending on what happens that affects them and affects you. Having them call you by another man's name hurts.

The key is how you handle those triggers. They lose their potency over time and may only "trigger" a thought and that's it.

Some things don't go away, however. Infidelity of any kind usually kills a character in a film or TV show for me.

I don't think that will ever go away.
Posted By: faithful26 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/09/08 04:53 PM
Many of my triggers are the same as posted

Her name

UPS commericals

His work cell

Whenever he has to go to the town she works/lives in

His birthday

His job

It gets better as time goes on, but sometimes out of nowhere they hit,,,



Posted By: Zonie65 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/10/08 04:10 AM
Wow, read this post the other day and I keep coming back to it. My WW admitted the affair about 4 weeks ago and the triggers are there for me almost constantly. I know they will fade, but it's killing me to be so distracted all the time. I actually wrote her an email today from work saying the triggers weren't so bad today, and just thinking about "triggers" sent me back into my head about the A for the next 15 minutes as I stared out the window!!

1) Helping her around the house now and folding laundry seeing lace underwear I knew she would wear for him. Glad I'm not the only one here thinking about that...I thought I was really losing my grip with that one.

2) Any TV, DVD shows with ANY hint of infidelity..I'm gone.

3) Her cell phone. She deleted messages and caught on to my snooping before the admission.

4) Any memory of anything nice I did for her in the last 17 months. It's now tainted with the memory of knowing they were having a PA.

5) Anything nice she ever did for me in the last 17 months. I keep thinking she's trying to assuage her guilt. This is REALLY hard because I'm now driving a 2 month old Harley-Davidson Heritage Softail. Really, how many wives let their husbands go buy a bike like that? Feeling a little guilty, hon? smile

6) Her van..knowing she drove it to his house after work (weird, I know).

7) Anytime she talks about work or the people there. Apparently most knew.

8) Halloween (started PA).

9) Worst of all, tonight my daughter put on some fairy wings and looked adorable! Problem was they were from her Halloween costume in 2006 when the PA started. I had to leave the room.

10) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I just go there for no good reason.

I talk about all the triggers with my FWW and she wishes there was something she could do. All I tell her is that all the advice in the world will never remove them even though we know they can't be good for us. On her own idea, she bought me a radio receiver for my Ipod today just so I could take it to work and try not to go into my own head about the A as much during the slow times at work. It's little things like that, that will eventually make the time between the triggers longer, and their impact less intense....I hope.
Posted By: Turksmom Re: On Triggers.... - 04/10/08 11:39 AM

Not weird at all. There are so many even after a year that I only named the top 5 in my first post. As someone else mentioned, it could very easily reach 100.

6. His car. He talked to her every night on his way home to me. The car we rode to the hospital in when our children were born. I've learned the WS can ignore anything while they're "fogged"

7. His work. I picture him sitting at his desk surrounded by our family photos talking to her.

8. "I love you". Loses something when you know someone else was hearing those words at the same time.

9. Starbucks. I thought he was the world's greatest husband (talk about clueless!) because he'd come see me at work and brng me a cappucino. Guilt? or peacekeeping?

10. Our wedding rings

I ignore what I can. Let the others make me sad or angry for the moment (grief), then move back to now and go on (hope and faith)
Posted By: wadeallie Re: On Triggers.... - 04/10/08 11:58 AM
Talk about Triggers.......
They visited me last night! I'm a quilter but I haven't been able to sit at my sewing machine in 6 months since the speech, and I had not been to a meeting since Oct. Last night I felt I was ready. I was greeted with many hugs. The ladies all commented on how good I looked after losing 23 pounds. I was enjoying myself..that is until someone behind me yelled "Hey Penny". Penny is the name OW uses as part of her email altho it's not her name. I lost it! I excused myself quickly and came home crying in my car.
Let's add to the list:

6) My yearly Quilt Retreat. He had first night alone with OW because I was on my retreat enjoying myself. He shipped the kids off to sleepovers and I have evidence he planned the night for weeks in advance.I won't be going back anytime soon because he's taken the fun out of it for me.

7) His lunch hour. He would call her every day in the last 10 min. of his lunch hour. He calls me now but will do it at 11:00 so it's not at same time as HER calls.

8) Writing love letters. He used to write me sweet letters to greet me every morning, but can't seem to do it now. He was getting up early every morning to send her greetings to begin her day. If he wrote one now, I'd be in shock.

it goes on and on...
Posted By: NotReallyOk Re: On Triggers.... - 04/10/08 05:00 PM
Originally Posted by Turksmom
8. "I love you". Loses something when you know someone else was hearing those words at the same time.

Yup.. I always wonder when she says it now.. do you really mean it, or are you just saying it because you always have. This one is really tough sometimes.. others, not so much.

When she looks me in the eye, and says it.. and I can tell she means it *THAT* brings me to tears.
Posted By: LAsunshinegirl Re: On Triggers.... - 04/10/08 05:08 PM
His first name. If I hear it on TV or see it in an article.

The radio. I don't turn it on anymore.

His pillow. I bought a new one for that side of the bed.

When I see a truck like his. Same model & color. It's popular.

If I see or hear anything or anyone with the same first name as the OW. I start to shake & can't stop.

Anything having to do with finances.

Adultery on TV or movies. Especially when it's seen as OK.

Anything having to do with the USAF.

I cannot sleep at night knowing he's sleeping in our bed with her. Bad dreams come every night.
Posted By: Still_Crazy Re: On Triggers.... - 04/10/08 05:28 PM
Her name

My drive home from work every day (because i pass where she lived)

When my H does not answer his cell phone

Infidelity on tv or anywhere

Places they went together

The time of year the affair happened

Every time my husband's work schedule changes (which is practically every day)

That is a few but i have a ton unfortunately
Posted By: silentlucidity Re: On Triggers.... - 04/10/08 10:32 PM
Lotsa stuff triggers me, but the intensity lessens over time.

His work--all of his OW worked there at one time. He would set up 'dates' for us there (it's a venue for some concerts, comedians, and the orchestra).

Any woman he ever spoke to from work. Any woman he talked about from work.

His car--he always kept a blanket in the back, and while in Plan B, it was the only thing of him I saw, when he picked up our DS for visitation.

His cell phone, the color, the ringtones, the 'you've got a message' beep, as many others experience I'm sure.

Our garage--he would escape out there to get away from me.

Now, our dang couch.

His laptop. He used it to IM his OW after I'd gone to bed

My bed, our house, the rut his car has worn in the driveway

My wedding rings

Instant messenger(he used it for his affairs, initially, but we used to chat while I was at work everyday, before and during his first A--thereafter, no more)

HIM.

and on and on she goes...
Posted By: ILMR Re: On Triggers.... - 04/11/08 08:50 AM
Wow... this is a painful topic.

Some of mine have already been on here. Someone wrote that they threw out all of WW thongs, but dang it - she looks good in them! Yeah, I'm there too. WW's was just an EA, but she sent some provocative pics, nothing NSFW, but one included part of my favorite thong, and she had discussed another type of undergarment that she wore also. I had her throw all of them out. We went out later and bought others, but it's still takes me a back a moment when I see her in them - then I consciously move away from that thought to the "wow my wife is attractive!" thoughts.

The EA took place on the computer, in a an online MMO game. Any mention of that game or her having any involvement with anyone from that community triggers me (we've been having some difficulty over this issue). In fact, any time she sits at the computer I get a little nervous.

She'll sometimes get up maybe an hour before me in the morning. That was when she and OM met online in the morning during the A. Still bothers me (even though, for the most part, she's always been an early riser).

Songs on the radio about relationships.

OM would tell her he had a dream about her, and there's a song on one her CDs that has a similar line in it - I got cloudy once when it came and on and she asked what was up - I told her I didn't like that song and she realized why right away. We don't listen to that song anymore.

Anytime she's at work and I'm sure she's not busy, and she doesn't call me. That's when she used to text msg him.

Anytime we argue. I think "Oh God! Will this be the argument that sends her back to him?!" Even though I'm almost certain that door is closed to her now.

Someone else said hearing her say "I love you". That was hard to find out that she shared that with OM. When she says it freely to me, I often ask her if she's sure, just to hear her say it again.

I could probably list others too, but this is enough for now... thinking about triggers, well, triggers the memory and emotion again.


Posted By: angie1718 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 02:32 PM
Excuse me if I come across aggresive, it not my intention. I just want to learn to help my husband, since he doesn't communicate to me all these things.

First,

Quote
8. "I love you". Loses something when you know someone else was hearing those words at the same time.

I have read in this site that the WS can not apologize enough and can not say "I love you" enough....then who's righ??

Second
Quote
10. Our wedding rings

I do not understand this one either....wedding rings?? why?

Quote
10) ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I just go there for no good reason.

I was told this by a BS. She told me that even though I change EVERYTHING that triggers him, he will still have triggers with absolutely nothing....
So, my question is, what do the FWS do to help? Because this is confusing.
Any thoughts and advice will be really appreciated.
Thanks,
A.
Posted By: Balin Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 03:23 PM
I did not post the original source of your questions, but I feel that I can answer some of them for you as they are also triggers for me.

Originally Posted by angie1718
I have read in this site that the WS can not apologize enough and can not say "I love you" enough....then who's righ??

They cannot say "I love you" enough. We BS NEED to hear that. However, there is always that voice in the back of our heads that wonders if WS really means it this time. My FWW never didn't say ILY during her A. There is no way she meant it back then, but she said it every day to me. What makes me believe her now? She said it to OM daily at the same time as she was saying it to me. That hurt does not go away quickly.

Quote
I do not understand this one either....wedding rings?? why?


The wedding ring is a symbol of the vows that we took that were broken. She took off her wedding ring every time she was with OM, then put it back on before she'd come home to me. To me, my wedding ring is a symbol of my devotion to her. It apparently did not mean the same thing to her. Does it now? Only she knows that.

Quote
So, my question is, what do the FWS do to help? Because this is confusing.

Give us time. We have no control over our emotions right now. I have no idea what I will be feeling from one day to the next. I know it will get better because it used to be from one hour to the next. I will soon be able to control how I feel once again, but not yet.

Give us time. Learn our triggers and how to avoid causing them.

Someone here once gave the advice that a WS could help by "reclaiming" certain triggers with their BS. I don't know how much experience people have here with that idea. My FWW and I have done that with some of the smaller triggers and it has helped. I don't know how either of us could handle tackling some of the bigger ones.
Posted By: RMX Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 05:39 PM

Commercials that hint of divorce.

Billboards that market a divorce.

the area where W and the OM had thier love shack

The old couch ( its gone )

Looking at pictures of my old car during the A (this is a new trigger less then 3 months)

Looking at pictures taken during that time.

When my wife is late from doing anything.

When I find out i've been told a lie (even a tiny one) or a lie by ommision

going to the park where she told me it first happened (new trigger)

.... and we'll find out how i handle my new D(PA)-Day which is coming up on October 12th... our anniversary (i was always told the EA didnt become a PA until weeks later, but i found out that this wasn't true)
so for 10+ plus years i've been celbrating my anniversary and the day my wife got some at the same time.

Posted By: Turksmom Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 06:16 PM
Since some of the triggers in question were mine, I'll answer the why and what does or doesn't help.
I love you- I can picture him saying it to her. He only said it to me at that time to "keep the peace". I thought I would be the only woman to hear those words from him after the first time he told me. When we reconciled, he refused to say it to me (major fog) until he was sure he wanted to work things out. What helps because, yes, I do need to hear it still, is when it's specific. "I love you because you take such good care of our children" "I love you because you stand up for me" etc. I know he never said those to her.

Wedding rings- The broken marriage vows are a big reason. In my case FWH didn't take his off during most of the A. It clearly meant nothing.Took it off a week before d-day. When he agreed to end the A and see MC, he still refused to put the ring back on for weeks. A very blatant showing to everyone we know that he no longer considered himself my husband. we've actually debated replacing them, but I'd know why they were replaced (get the idea that everything can be a trigger)

The important things for me to have FWH avoid are things that make me feel inferior to or interchangeable with OW. Even if he doesn't feel or think it, I do. The most important thing you can do is listen and be patient and understanding. Sometimes just saying "I'm sorry it made you feel that way" about whatever trigger pops up helps the situation.
Posted By: TeaTea Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 06:19 PM
Balin, I find your answers very interesting. I am coming from the other side of the fence... I am a FWS...

My H still triggers often, and sometimes over things that I personally thought are really "stretching" what should trigger memories. I thought it was a little silly that every time he saw a car that was the same as OM's car model, he would trigger. Or saw a highway sign that is for the town that OM was from (an hour away). But, it seems from this thread that those are sort of common.

I guess when he triggers, it is (selfishly) very hard for me. I do my very best to be there for him, I listen, and it is all about him at that point. But I can't help but feeling that nagging feeling in the back of my head sometimes... of when it will get better or if every time we pass a highway sign or a certain model of car if we are going to be thrown back to D day. Its hard for me too, I want to make it go away, but I can't, and I don't know what to do to "make it better". If I could, if I could bear that pain for him, I would, in a heartbeat.

And I guess that is what is so hard, I just sometime have no idea when or where they are going to come from... and once it happens, I don't know what to do about it.

So, I guess my point is, this thread helps from the other perspective. It helps ME understand what H feels-- and maybe what to do to help.

So, Balin, your post really helps me understand what to "do" to help. I wish there was more I could do.

So, I'd be interested in hearing how FWS can help "more". And interested in this "reclaiming" the triggers-- how that works. How do you "reclaim" them? Right now I just avoid anything that I know makes H trigger like the PLAGUE. Like, there is a street in our town with the same name as OM... and I avoid driving on it with H in the car. I don't know if that street is a trigger for him or not, but I'm that paranoid about making H trigger. I hate seeing him like that and I hate feeling that helpless. And I hate that it takes away our steam and our happiness together.

Thanks,
TT
Posted By: ManInMotion Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 06:29 PM
Originally Posted by Turksmom
In my case FWH didn't take his off during most of the A.

My FWW slept with the OM for the first time only days after receiving a new wedding ring from me (the old one was lost). And she used our home and our bed for the event.

When I asked her about this, I got the impression from her answer that those symbols of our M really didn't mean much to her at all during her A.

I'm not sure that they mean much to her now, in fact. I think she wears the ring now more because she thinks that's important to me, rather than because it symbolizes something important to her. I might ask her about this tonight, just to confirm my feelings on the matter.
Posted By: NotReallyOk Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 08:08 PM
Originally Posted by TeaTea
So, I guess my point is, this thread helps from the other perspective. It helps ME understand what H feels-- and maybe what to do to help.

So, Balin, your post really helps me understand what to "do" to help. I wish there was more I could do.

I started this thread for 2 reasons, 1 for the BS to share and vent a little bit and get things out in the open for the WS and FWS here.. and for the FWS and WS to learn the common triggers and what to do about them.

Quote
So, I'd be interested in hearing how FWS can help "more".

I am interested in this too. I see my FWW struggle so much to avoid the things that make me feel awkward and upset, at the same time doing that hurts her and is sort of a trigger for her as well. Infidelity truly does destroy a marriage, it sickens me that it is glamorized and often seen as a good thing in our society today.

So FWS's speak up! Tell us what your triggers are if you have them, and what you do to help your BS's to cope when they do trigger.

NRO
Posted By: wadeallie Re: On Triggers.... - 04/15/08 09:42 PM
When I have read something that triggers those memories, or I see something on tv, I just get up and go to the bedroom. H gives me about 5-10 min. and then he comes in to check on me and gives me a hug. Each and every time, he apologizes for the pain he's caused me.
Posted By: Balin Re: On Triggers.... - 04/16/08 07:42 PM
Right now, the best thing my FWW does for me is hold me and tell me that we will make it. I have to tell her when I'm triggering, though. I had to do this yesterday. A lot of the A happened while I was out of town coaching high school soccer. Well, I had a game 2 hours away Monday night. I went home over lunch before I left and told her that I was having a really bad feeling about leaving. I don't know what it was...I didn't think things were going to happen that night, but I just could not get over that queasy feeling in my stomach.

So, I told her about it. She brought me inside, left our boys outside on the swingset and she just hugged me for a while. It was nice and it helped.

I have told her of other things that would help and they really have. When leaving the house (especially during times of the A) she would never wave at me as she left the driveway. Now, we always wave and blow kisses when we leave. We leave little notes for each other to be found later in the day. She rubs my back after a game or hard day of practice. She tells me all about her day every night. We go to bed early and just talk and watch TV together. We pray every night with our boys. Little things like this just help me realize that I mean something to her.

The day after I learned that something happened on my favorite couch, I eliminated the trigger and bought a new one. The day after the new one was delivered, we "reclaimed" the basement couch. It's strange, but now the basement feels like "mine" again. The bad trigger has now been replaced by a happy and fun memory.

We have not reclaimed other places and situations as I'm not sure I want her to relive those experiences. Unless she brings them up, I'm not bringing them up either.

And, yes, little, unrelated things trigger me as well. I don't know why and I really wish they wouldn't. Please be understanding of us BS and realize that triggers aren't fun for us and we do not have them to punish our WS and make them suffer more. At least, I hope BS don't do that - even though it is deserved, it's just mean.
Posted By: tryn2cope Re: On Triggers.... - 04/24/08 10:11 AM
triggers...there's so much i can say. this is just another thing to have to cope with...on top of the betrayal, the hurt, the mistrust, yada yada.

the first time it hit me...i didn't know what happened. we were in a department store, shopping, the song he used as her ringtone played over the sound system...i couldn't take it...i told him i had to get out of there. he had no clue...i had to break it down for him. just like teatea...he felt helpless. he'd also try to avoid triggers at all cost. he hated seeing the way it affected me, knowing that he was the cause of it. i told him, in order to help me through it, i needed his constant reassurance that we'd make it, that he was truly remorseful. i needed him to console me. i'm hopeful that he's actually sincere and that it's not forceful. i can actually listen to the song now, without becoming so much of an emotional wreck. it's still a reminder though, because it never goes away...it actually gets better, but will always be there.

i have many triggers, almost every single one of the same. as someone mentioned, it just tends to hit you when you least expect it. you don't know it's a trigger until it hits you. one that got me a few weeks ago was when i happened to be in the same office as someone on their cell phone. as i heard the sound of a female voice on the other end of the line, i had to leave the room...my body started to cringe. it's because, 3 days before dday when WH finally admitted, he got a restricted call at almost midnight on his cell phone. i could sense he was hesitant to answer...he finally picked up after i kept insisting. i could just hear her voice on the other end...he thought he was so sly because he just kept saying, 'hello hello...wrong number', all the while trying to press the end button (and keep missing) as the phone is still being held to his ear. i can hear her saying, 'can you talk? what are doing?', until i grabbed the phone from him...she hung up when i came on. looking back i was such a fool...because still, through all that, i wanted so much to believe him after he could look at me in the eyes and lie to me straight faced. i'd torture myself, replaying it in my head...but it's been lesser and lesser

as for reclaiming...i believe it's essential to rebuilding the M. because what you're doing is creating new memories...better, happier memories to replace the hurtful ones...they'll eventually be phased out and you'll be depositing LU's because you're commiting that time and energy into whatever memory is being created. so claim away...because it is ours to take.
Posted By: wadeallie Re: On Triggers.... - 04/24/08 12:59 PM
My H was just complaining to me the other night about how hard it is to live under such scrutiny. I check his emails about 2x a week and history. I told him he's under this scrutiny thanks to his actions and it would be continuing for a long time to come. He said he didn't think he could take it all summer. When I inquired as to which part he thought was worse he said he couldn't even go fishing anymore. (TRIGGER) I explained how he used fishing as his excuse last summer to spend a whole day with OW, and now it makes me cringe when he mentions it. I told him I am willing to go fishing with him this summer but he needs to realize he has lost my trust by using that excuse. Now he understands a little more and he's willing to drag me along. He didn't think of his day of fishing as a trigger.
Posted By: jimld Re: On Triggers.... - 04/24/08 01:54 PM
Black sexy cocktail dresses

Nissan Exterras

the time 10-10:15pm as this was the witching hour for them, they talked everynight at this time forever on end. I think the POS was so cheap that he waited for evening rates to do the most talking.

Posted By: Marc21 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/24/08 02:38 PM
Whew, are there a lot of triggers...It is crazy how many are similar, though.

Cell phone - as soon as I left for work and to take the kids to the babysitter (because she couldn't see him with them at home) she would call him. I even bought it for because her old one went bad during the A. She even somehow texted him before bed at night sometimes, and I am going to have to ask one day how she managed that one.

Our old house - we bought it about the time the A was starting and lived there for the duration. I was also sick for a time while we lived there and lost my job to top it all off. We have moved out of that town, now.

Our bed - it is an extremely expensive bed and they had SF in it. They only had SF once, fairly early on, so it isn't as bad as if it was often. I suppose it is good that he was a little afraid of me, or it may have happened more.

Our kids - she used to always to dump them off on me because she didn't want to take care of them during the A, or she would take them to the babysitter when she had no good reason to do so

The town we lived in - the whole A occurred within a five mile radius of our house, my work, and all the restaurants there.

When she dresses sexy - She is extremely attractive, and I hate it when she is sexy despite the fact that I love it.

When she goes anywhere alone (rare) - even though she may not be going anywhere near where he could possibly be, it is not good.

The place where she works - she is quitting soon to go back to school and doesn't see him anymore, but it still kills me that there have been a couple of times they have worked the same shift since it ended. Fortunately he hurt his knee so badly that he wasn't able to work for months.

SF - not too bad of a trigger, but rarely does his image not pop up sometime during SF. It has always been great even during the A, and fortunately that hasn't changed.

Her one former friend who knew about the A and thought it was OK

I love you - she complained to me that I said it too much during the A

One particular restaurant - she took a call from him there when we were out to lunch one day!!! I told her she was having an affair because she looked so guilty, but she gave me a wonderful excuse that really did sound correct. She later said that she took the call because he was so bad about calling her that she couldn't let it go by.

Breathing, opening my eyes, closing my eyes, driving, doing laundry, basically anything I might do. There are just some things that trigger some times for no apparent reason.

Sorry to vent, but there are still a lot of triggers.

The best thing is that sometimes I don't think about it for most of a day. Unfortunately, some days aren't so trouble free.

Thanks, and this is a very interesting thread.
Posted By: tryn2cope Re: On Triggers.... - 04/24/08 08:56 PM
Originally Posted by wadeallie
My H was just complaining to me the other night about how hard it is to live under such scrutiny. I check his emails about 2x a week and history. I told him he's under this scrutiny thanks to his actions and it would be continuing for a long time to come. He said he didn't think he could take it all summer.

ha! i'm sorry wade...can you just imagine what goes on inside their heads? i actually don't believe they think before they speak. they had brought this all upon themselves. we would not be going through these extremes if it were not for that dreadful action they decided upon. they're faced with "living under scrutiny"...we're face with trying to pull our whole world, minds, and everything else back together. sorry, just had to vent...finding my way through the "fog"

Originally Posted by wadeallie
When I inquired as to which part he thought was worse he said he couldn't even go fishing anymore. (TRIGGER) I explained how he used fishing as his excuse last summer to spend a whole day with OW, and now it makes me cringe when he mentions it. I told him I am willing to go fishing with him this summer but he needs to realize he has lost my trust by using that excuse. Now he understands a little more and he's willing to drag me along. He didn't think of his day of fishing as a trigger.

my H thing was going to the gym. he respected my wishes and finally returned when i was okay with it again. there are certain conditions that i placed which he sticks to and it helps. but good, have him "drag" you along during fishing. reclaim that recreational activity...become his favorite recreational partner. you may not be that into it, but it's the point that you're together, spending that quality time. make it fun.
Posted By: wadeallie Re: On Triggers.... - 04/25/08 12:15 PM
Tryn: That's what I figure. He can bring me along and whether I fish or just sit in my camp chair and read, we will be together. I used to fish (some 19 years ago) and he didn't then, but I gave it up because I was 9 months pregnant with DD and they really don't put enough port-o-potties along waterways for emergencies. LOL
When he grumbled, I told him how fun it could be. We'll bring a picnic lunch, I can take my camera and photograph his technique, and we'll both get alot of fresh air. Since he flyfishes it's not like we need to be out in a boat, so it will be fun.

***Have any of you ever noticed that it seems like your WS talks alot more about women in their workplace than men (or vice versa) since their A? I never noticed but now it seems H talks about and knows more about the young women he works with. We even went to an art showing last night of a 26 yr old coworker. Never done that before so I am being vigilant.
Posted By: Dino69 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/29/08 02:00 AM
Being military and WW A happened while SHE was deployed, I look at my triggers everyday at work and on the news.

1. Afghanistan
2. Desert uniforms
3. His last name (quite common)
4. hotels (I travel sometimes for work, they met there once)
5. Her pictures and memorabilia from the deployment
6. Pics of things that we did before I found out
7. Anything to do with Italy (that's where he lives)
8. movies/songs about infidelity
9. Her short hair (she's growing it out)
10. Military...period (I'm out soon, so is she)
Posted By: Dino69 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/29/08 02:29 AM
I just posted my top ten triggers and it just hit me. I did something that some of you may find a little weird but it's something I think is going to help me in the long run. This thread is all about triggers right? Well, I have alot of tattoos and I just had a new one done on my forearm that some may consider a "trigger". I just had a heart with a knife though it and a ribbon saying "pain goes away" across the heart. It right up front so I have to look at it everyday, it will be a constant reminder for me of everything that's transpired in the last 5 months. Now, I could potentially let this tattoo drive me into the ground or I can believe the words and move forward. I struggled with whether or not I should do it because it could backfire on me. But I think this "trigger" is going to help me, and eventually us, in getting our marriage back together.

I in no way condone what she did, but I recognize and assume responsibility for my part in creating the environment that made it an "easier" choice. I'm out of town for business and she hasn't seen it yet so I don't know how she'll react to it. I did it for me so I really don't care how she'll react. If she really wants to heal our marriage, she'll believe those words also, "pain goes away".
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 04/29/08 01:04 PM
How about a walking and talking Trigger and I am not speaking about a child of the A.





I have been posting on here or a while under another name and OW has my name and googled it and found these postings. She phoned very upset and asked me to print an apology for my rantings. Isn't this site for ranting and helping each other thru this crisis???
Posted By: suamico Re: On Triggers.... - 04/29/08 01:35 PM
Originally Posted by Hearts_ache
I have been posting on here or a while under another name and OW has my name and googled it and found these postings. She phoned very upset and asked me to print an apology for my rantings. Isn't this site for ranting and helping each other thru this crisis???
This would be truly laughable if it wasn't so tragic. She is sleeping with YOUR husband and thinks YOU owe her an apology? Go back to your old user name and post all you want. You owe her NOTHING! As a matter of fact, repost this as your old user name so she can see what others think. Maybe (and I know this is a stretch) she will see how ludicrous and self entitled her request was.

I also find it interesting that she is so obsessed with you she googled you. To me that means she sees you as a threat… as she should.
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 04/29/08 02:00 PM
It doesn't help that part of this was an error on my part. I am definitely NOT computer savvy and I was messing with the Yahoo Messenger. I know my H was doing his funny business under that acct. and they'd gab back and forth with the IMs thru Messenger but it never worked on my acct.

Now mind you..I had her email addy on my Yahoo email list because I was going to email her if she continued contact with H. She'd been phoning him and I put the addy there. I know. Pretty stupid! Anyway, when I finally got the Messenger to work, it automatically sent all the yahoo email addresses on my contact list, a message to "be my friend". She wrote me and asked why I contacted her and I responded it was an error. That's when I got "googled" and another phone call.

I think that my rantings under the "Obsessed with the OW" thread freaked her out, but this is healing isn't it? When we talk thru issues and work thru them together.
BTW: I posted under WADEALLIE but I prefer this handle now.
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 04/29/08 03:34 PM
I just spoke to H regarding this situation. I remarked that I didn't want to rock-the-boat and if she began phoning him to get him to "make" me quit posting..it would only cause more problems. He agreed that it would cause more problems but nothing we can't handle together.

I have told him he is welcome to come to this site and he is welcome to read anything I have written. He's just not interested. He understands tho that you folks have helped me more than our MC has done. I have the answers to WHY and HOW the A came to be and with this information I am able to heal. I am still allowed to rant & rave if that's what it takes to get by.
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 04/29/08 04:07 PM
Back to the Subject..........

1) Films with hot and heavy sex scenes. "Atonement" was terrible this weekend and I couldn't finish it.

2) There's a commercial against drugs. It shows the parents explaining to their son that they are separating and it said, "If you can talk to your kids about this, why can't you speak to them about drugs?"
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 04/30/08 02:23 PM
Suamico:

Remember my posting yesterday?

It goes on.....


I don't see why it's so hard for her to stop and she said I was obsessing with her???

OW emailed me yesterday with a christian website and a message that the site was helping her heal and she asked for forgiveness. I sent a response that maybe God can forgive her but I can not. Today I get the response:
"Funny thing is you can forgive your H but you can't forgive me and it's the same sin"

Triggers go on walking and emailing.......
Posted By: SunflowerSmile Re: On Triggers.... - 04/30/08 08:32 PM
Originally Posted by Hearts_ache
OW emailed me yesterday with a christian website and a message that the site was helping her heal and she asked for forgiveness. I sent a response that maybe God can forgive her but I can not. Today I get the response:
"Funny thing is you can forgive your H but you can't forgive me and it's the same sin"

Triggers go on walking and emailing.......

HA,

Take control of your life and ELIMINATE this trigger. WHY is the OW ABLE to contact you?

There is one simple solution.....CHANGE YOUR EMAIL!

You and your husband should have in place protection that prevents OW from contacting either one of you, in as much as you are capable.

Change cell numbers, home numbers, emails. Cancel MySpace, FaceBook, if you can't make them private. Don't go where you chance running in to her. And so on.

There are enough triggers out of your control. This one sounds simple to fix.
Posted By: suamico Re: On Triggers.... - 04/30/08 08:41 PM
Originally Posted by Hearts_ache
Suamico:

Remember my posting yesterday?

It goes on.....


I don't see why it's so hard for her to stop and she said I was obsessing with her???

OW emailed me yesterday with a christian website and a message that the site was helping her heal and she asked for forgiveness. I sent a response that maybe God can forgive her but I can not. Today I get the response:
"Funny thing is you can forgive your H but you can't forgive me and it's the same sin"

Triggers go on walking and emailing.......
Sweetie, I know it's hard but ignore her. Take her info off IM. If she e-mails you click the select box and then click junk. Then any e-mails from her will go to your junk folder. Heck, if you have her latest e-mail still click on that one and click on junk! Responding to her is only helping her and hurting you. She wants you to forgive her because it will make HER feel better, not because she is truely sorry.
Posted By: Krazy71 Re: On Triggers.... - 04/30/08 08:52 PM
Hearts_ache,

You may be a Christian woman. If so, I apologize for the following statement:

I'd tell the OW to go f_ck herself, and if she didn't cease any and all contact I'd blab about her 100 times more and 100 times worse, including lying about her. End of story.

She should be unable to contact you or your H. Your numbers all need to be changed, your e-mail should be changed and/or cancelled entirely.

If OM contacted me due to my posts on this site, I'd love it! I'd rip him a new orifice of epic proportions.
Posted By: HerPapaBear Re: On Triggers.... - 04/30/08 09:03 PM


NO CONTACT means just that, NO CONTACT from YOU or YOUR SPOUSE!

Contact WILL cause recovery problems - It's not part of the MB way!

ELIMINATE ALL POSSIBLE WAYS OF ANY CONTACT! It's not that hard........


Posted By: Wknghrd2LoveEasy Re: On Triggers.... - 05/01/08 02:57 AM
Hearts_ache,

You have no idea HOW tempted I am to go on to the "Obsessed with OW" thread and let that idiot OW HAVE IT!!!! I am guessing that she looks for you there now.

I'm a Christian so I guess I can't tell her to F*** herself either, but boy, oh boy do I ever want to!!!!

I hope she IS totally freaked out, that she can't sleep at night, that she is looking over her shoulder, that she cries herself to sleep at night because of her disgusting behavior and MOST OF ALL.....understands that God will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER answer HER prayers for your H to belong to her.

When I found out about my H's A, it was one of my GREATEST comforts knowing that no matter WHAT actually happened, that God would NEVER give his blessing to a union between the two of them. Gag!!!

How dare she! Change your numbers, e-mail, whatever you have to do to get rid of her. It was also a very pleasant experience for me the night we changed my H's cell phone # and she tried calling my # instead. I LOVED the picture I had in my mind of her shock and panic when she heard the message telling her that his # was not in service. Even now I can laugh evilly about it .

BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHHHHHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the TJ here. Back to Triggers. I have a zillion of them but will post another time.

All God's Blessings to You,
WH2LE
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 05/01/08 01:33 PM
You all are GREAT!!
You've given me one of the best "jump starts" to this day!

The email acct. she is responding to, is not my primary one so I only check it about once every couple of weeks, so if she plans on having regular contact it's not gonna happen. That's the acct I use to give to stores, etc. when they ask for your email for promotional things. I have already bumped her addy to "junk" status. lol

I just can't believe the gall. I had to phone her back in Feb. when she continued to phone H at work after he'd already declared NC. She just didn't "get it"! At that time I scared her because I know so much about her and I would come out on top in the event of a confrontation. Then she pushes by googling me, and now asking for forgiveness. Funny thing is..it's her guilt that's eatting at her while she read that thread, because I have never mentioned her name, address, or anything.

As for H, she has not contacted him thru this, just me. I have been honest with H about her contacting me (don't want any secrets between us) and with the continued effort she's made...I don't think he is happy at all.
I will keep you posted on the progress here....and THANK YOU again for the support!
Posted By: fiori Re: On Triggers.... - 05/01/08 01:41 PM
Just keep in mind one thing...
If OW continues to contact you and you then tell H about it and he gets really fed up, what going to happen? He may contact OW to tell her to go away. When my H reported unnecessary contact in non-work hours to her boss, she got reprimanded and told to stay away from him. You know what this did? It gave her an excuse to prance over to his office and apologize. Oh, great! Anyway, all I'm saying is this...guilt? Maybe not...how about manipulation. Don't feel sorry for her. And, why would she assume you've totally forgiven your husband? You probably have not, if you're human. But, that's none of her business. It just seems to me that she is desperate and is trying any and all angles to stay alive in her fantacy world with your H. My OW got very desperate towards the end. Went to my MIL's house (even though they had never ever met), sent cards, drove by my house, used any chance she could to 'apologize'. And, then when her mom got sick, used that as a ploy to 'just be friends and lean on H for support'. YUCK!!! Anyway, just my two cents.
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 05/01/08 01:58 PM
I understand, Fiori.

I spoke to H last night and asked him to "NOT" contact her by email even if this gets worse. For one thing then she'd have HIS email address and that would open another can of worms, but I told him I am not promoting her activity in the slightest. He has always received her phone calls thru an independent phone line to his work dept., but our MC was adamant that if she ever calls again, he is to hang up immediately! Our MC was very forceful with THAT one and there could be no misunderstanding. He is also supposed to inform me if OW calls, and MC really made him squirm that I don't know whether he tells me the truth or not but he will do real damage if he kills the little trust I am granting him.

I believe this to be a last ditch effort. Thankfully she doesn't know H's workplace, just the phone number to his dept. and that must be private because when I google it there's never an address for the #. Also, our mailing address is not given with our phone number in the book. We live in a rural area and the listing is still from 20 years ago.

You are also right about the forgiving. It's none of her business whether or not I have forgiven him, and your instincts are right on that one!

Posted By: suamico Re: On Triggers.... - 05/01/08 04:16 PM
Originally Posted by Hearts_ache
You are also right about the forgiving. It's none of her business whether or not I have forgiven him, and your instincts are right on that one!

On the forgiveness issue that is NONE of her business... Your husband screwed up big time. They both betrayed you. The difference is your husband has done other wonderful possitive things for you over the years. One HUGE withdrawal from your love back but lots of deposits. You forgave him for yourself as well as him. She has done nothing but stab you in the back. You owe her nothing, nada ziltch.
Posted By: SunflowerSmile Re: On Triggers.... - 05/01/08 05:55 PM
HA,

You are NOT taking this seriously enough. Do you or do you not want to recover your marriage?

Every time there is contact between any of you, YOU are NOT the only one who triggers.

The OW triggers...gets her fix and keeps her addicted to the relationship.

Your H will trigger as well. Do you not understand that all this drama keeps the entanglement going with all parties involved?

This drama is completely unnecessary. I am totally baffled as to why an email account for promotional announcements would be more important to you than saving your marriage.

It really is THAT serious.

Close the holes you have left open for OW to walk back into your life.

Part of Dr. H's recovery program is putting into place extra-ordinary precautions to PROTECT each other and your marriage. You are falling short here. YOU are not protecting YOUR HUSBAND or YOURSELF from contact with OW.

Stop complaining about triggering, and DO something about it. You cannot progress in your recovery as long as OW has access to either of you.

Your husband is not the only person who must be dedicated to NC. How would you feel if this account was your husband's and he did not close it? Would you feel like he was willing to do whatever it takes to recover your marriage.

Well, it goes both ways. Your triggers hurt your recovery. Get rid of all that you can control.
Posted By: Hearts_ache Re: On Triggers.... - 05/01/08 07:35 PM
Sunflower:
I am not receiving contact any more with OW. Her email addy is being flagged as trash and I don't have any issues with the DELETE button. I'm not going to open any thing else so she won't be an issue anymore. If it continues...past the blocks I have put up, then I WILL delete the acct. I just figure that getting an email and deleting it is less damaging than H receiving a phone call. The last time H deleted an email acct from her she phoned over and over to his workplace and THEN we had issues because H and OW both got their jollies.

I don't mind letting her think she's getting to me. She's not worth it and I'm getting the last laugh at her pitiful attempts to upset me. Delete..delete..delete
Posted By: SunflowerSmile Re: On Triggers.... - 05/02/08 12:26 PM
HA,

You are taking unnecessary risks.

If OW contacts you through that account, it is YOUR own fault. And so will be the trigger you feel from it...and the trigger your H and OW feel.

Triggers are a HUGE obstacle in recovery. Reducing the number of them is critical.

It's not like this is an important work email addy that you cannot get changed.

You and H's actions should be making a statement to OW that you will go to whatever lengths necessary to rid your lives of her. She should get a dead end every time she tries to make contact. If she doesn't, you are fueling her addiction...and that IS dangerous to YOUR marital recovery.

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