Admits affair, denies, admits to different affair - 04/10/08 03:23 AM
I was wondering if anybody ever had their spouse admit to an affair, then take back their admission and then admit to another affair.
Here is a brief summary;
About 12 years into our marriage we were making love and at the time of her climax she began shouting out another man’s name. I must explain that she was moaning and shouting in such a different way that if she had said my name I would have asked her about it because I would have wanted to know what I was doing right to cause such a passionate response. I decided to be patient about it instead of being angry and confrontational because I felt that the angry approach could cause harm to our relationship. I gave her around 5 minutes to bring up the subject on her own. When she did not mention it I asked her what was up with screaming this guy’s name. At first she denied it ever happened and after I persisted in questioning her about this she then started yelling and screaming at me. Up to this point in our marriage I had never seen her angry before, but this was way beyond angry, she was furious and in a rage. So I decided to drop the subject for awhile and to try again at another calmer time. This calmer time never came.
I thought about it and figured that she had an affair with someone at her work. The name she screamed was the same as her boss’s name and he had a reputation for making the women sleep with him in return for promotions but it was also a common first name and could have just as easily been somebody else who worked there. I just figured that she got involved with somebody who came on to her at work. I took it as a mistake she had made and that we could get past it by working together. This did not affect my love for her, it was just a problem that we needed to work at together.
Every time I mentioned this incident to my wife, she resorted to getting angry again. Over all these years, she never did deny having an affair with this person, she just refused to talk about it. Slowly throughout the years without any progress on resolving this issue I began to get depressed about our situation, it wore me down. I then changed my approach, instead of putting it in terms of her behavior, I put it in terms of how this long unresolved situation is wearing me down. This change seemed to work because one day in the car she started a conversion where totally out of the blue she said, “you know, sometimes when two people work closely together on a project, they can get involved with each other without ever having any intentions of having an affair”. I was floored by her statement and incredibly encouraged that we were finally make some progress towards resolving our situation.
Several months later after no further progress I had a heart to heart conversation with her about how this was affecting me and how we need to solve this situation and get some form of closure so we can get back on with our lives. I’ll never forget it when she said, “You are right, I did it and it was wrong and I apologize”. At this point it was around 15 years since the initial incident and I was grateful for her admission and apology.
Several hours later that evening I thanked her for admitting to her affair. Then she denied that she ever admitted to anything! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, she was denying she admitted to the affair in the identical manner that she denied ever screaming out that other man’s name 15 years earlier.
I was so upset, I couldn’t sleep that evening. In the middle of the night my wife came to me to tell me that she did have an affair, but not the one I think she had. She now claimed that the job related affair never did happen and for me to drop it because she is now going to tell me about this other affair that did happen!
This first affair was with a mutual friend that she is now admitting to started just several of months into our marriage. She initiated the affair, she sought it out. Then she has to add that she never loved me when she married me, she never loved me during most of our 30 years of marriage and she never once felt guilty during all the times that she cheated on me.
I would like to concentrate on the fact that my wife to this day gets upset and defensive whenever I mention the job related affair (that she previously admitted to) and now defiantly denies that it ever happened. She had around 15 years to deny it but never did until just after she admitted to it.
Her position is that when she admitted to the job related affair, she was confused with the affair that she had when we first got married, but I specifically used the employee’s name when speaking to her about our unresolved problem and knew nothing about this much earlier affair. She also asks why she would not be honest about telling the truth about her now denying her job related affair. My answer is that if she lied about a 30 year old affair, why not lie about a 15 year old affair also? My other reasons are that the affair that she is now owning is with somebody now living several states away while the affair she now denies could possibly complicate her current work situation.
Any feedback would be appreciated. There is more info but I wanted to make this as short as possible.
Thank you for your time.
Here is a brief summary;
About 12 years into our marriage we were making love and at the time of her climax she began shouting out another man’s name. I must explain that she was moaning and shouting in such a different way that if she had said my name I would have asked her about it because I would have wanted to know what I was doing right to cause such a passionate response. I decided to be patient about it instead of being angry and confrontational because I felt that the angry approach could cause harm to our relationship. I gave her around 5 minutes to bring up the subject on her own. When she did not mention it I asked her what was up with screaming this guy’s name. At first she denied it ever happened and after I persisted in questioning her about this she then started yelling and screaming at me. Up to this point in our marriage I had never seen her angry before, but this was way beyond angry, she was furious and in a rage. So I decided to drop the subject for awhile and to try again at another calmer time. This calmer time never came.
I thought about it and figured that she had an affair with someone at her work. The name she screamed was the same as her boss’s name and he had a reputation for making the women sleep with him in return for promotions but it was also a common first name and could have just as easily been somebody else who worked there. I just figured that she got involved with somebody who came on to her at work. I took it as a mistake she had made and that we could get past it by working together. This did not affect my love for her, it was just a problem that we needed to work at together.
Every time I mentioned this incident to my wife, she resorted to getting angry again. Over all these years, she never did deny having an affair with this person, she just refused to talk about it. Slowly throughout the years without any progress on resolving this issue I began to get depressed about our situation, it wore me down. I then changed my approach, instead of putting it in terms of her behavior, I put it in terms of how this long unresolved situation is wearing me down. This change seemed to work because one day in the car she started a conversion where totally out of the blue she said, “you know, sometimes when two people work closely together on a project, they can get involved with each other without ever having any intentions of having an affair”. I was floored by her statement and incredibly encouraged that we were finally make some progress towards resolving our situation.
Several months later after no further progress I had a heart to heart conversation with her about how this was affecting me and how we need to solve this situation and get some form of closure so we can get back on with our lives. I’ll never forget it when she said, “You are right, I did it and it was wrong and I apologize”. At this point it was around 15 years since the initial incident and I was grateful for her admission and apology.
Several hours later that evening I thanked her for admitting to her affair. Then she denied that she ever admitted to anything! I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, she was denying she admitted to the affair in the identical manner that she denied ever screaming out that other man’s name 15 years earlier.
I was so upset, I couldn’t sleep that evening. In the middle of the night my wife came to me to tell me that she did have an affair, but not the one I think she had. She now claimed that the job related affair never did happen and for me to drop it because she is now going to tell me about this other affair that did happen!
This first affair was with a mutual friend that she is now admitting to started just several of months into our marriage. She initiated the affair, she sought it out. Then she has to add that she never loved me when she married me, she never loved me during most of our 30 years of marriage and she never once felt guilty during all the times that she cheated on me.
I would like to concentrate on the fact that my wife to this day gets upset and defensive whenever I mention the job related affair (that she previously admitted to) and now defiantly denies that it ever happened. She had around 15 years to deny it but never did until just after she admitted to it.
Her position is that when she admitted to the job related affair, she was confused with the affair that she had when we first got married, but I specifically used the employee’s name when speaking to her about our unresolved problem and knew nothing about this much earlier affair. She also asks why she would not be honest about telling the truth about her now denying her job related affair. My answer is that if she lied about a 30 year old affair, why not lie about a 15 year old affair also? My other reasons are that the affair that she is now owning is with somebody now living several states away while the affair she now denies could possibly complicate her current work situation.
Any feedback would be appreciated. There is more info but I wanted to make this as short as possible.
Thank you for your time.