Is it common for a DH to be unable to recognize "mean girl" behavior portrayed by his mother and sister? FYI by mean girl behavior I mean those little digs women give, deciding to outcast, manipulation, rudeness, lying etc. I mean it's as if he has blinders on to the behaviors then justifies their behaviors and tells me I am hypersensitive.

For example- my FIL was in an accident- I sat at the hospital for 2 weeks for my FWH- to be with him and support him. He had to go back to work. I asked him to talk with MIL and make sure she did not feel she need to entertain me and I would be helping. (I listened to her moan when "friends" came to support whom she would open a book and read leaving the rest of the family to talk with complete strangers) I did not want to be that person for her. She says no- would like for me to be there- I get there- just the two of us and she introduces me as the irritant to my FIL (whom has a head injury and who knows what he is aware of). I stood there not knowing if I should leave- because I am an irritant or stay and help this poor man would was trying to get out of bed and pull tubes from his body. I stayed about 2 hours- while she was in and out of the room looking for his nurse. When leaving she thanked me- thanked my FWH that night. I was madder than all get out.

My fwh kept asking what was wrong- I lied saying nothing- thinking I am not being radically honest but how do I bring this up without placing my needs before his- due to the serious nature of his dad's injury. But I had promised him I would go sit the MIL again- I just couldn't.

I broke down and told him- I could no long go up there without him- he asked what happened- I told him- he replied- she must have been joking- why would she say this when she told him how grateful she was. I informed him joke or not it was mean and hurtful- he was again defending her (which is his pattern). I then pointed out that if someone in my family called him XXXX-the cheater/infidel - thinking it was funny- it would not be and it'd be hurtful.

Am I wrong in my POV? I know that I am guarded as this is a VERY similar cycle which caused much conflict causing a wedge in our relationship which I believe aided in his affair.

Yes, it is very common, especially if a man is very close to the women in his life. They will hold on to him and make it an issue to establish their place in his life, as compared to you. That doesn't mean it has to stay that way. The best way, IMO, since he won't believe you, is to keep a little notebook in your pocket at all times. Every time there is a dig, write down the conversation. After you've got a notebook full, write it up in a little paper, and hand it to him. Ask him what he thinks about the people in the story, ask him who he thinks the victim is in it. See if he can recognize it.

If not, it would probably behoove you to take that information to a MC and let him/her walk you two through it. Odds are, the MC will tell him there comes a time when you have to switch your allegiance over to your wife.

Hmmm- I would not say he is very close to his mother- I have to nag him to call her- on her birthday, mother's day etc.

I have thought of the notebook thing- I just cant seem to let it go- their words/actions feaster.

I did discuss this last summer with IC whom told me- I reached out in an appropriate manner to discuss/ clear the air- the responses I was given he felt were their issues not mine. We did discuss how my FWH's behavior of ignoring the situation is another form of betrayal. I did talk with FWH about this - he said he understood- but he just can't "see it" it makes me feel like I am nuts!

Prior to FIL's accident we had determined to make it through holidays and birthdays. Now I see them in my future more and more- so we do need to come up with something that is a little more doable.

I just get ***issy when I feel like I need to ask my DH to stand up for me- I have always thought that is what one does- you know not sit by and watch other be hurtful and rude to your spouse.

You may have to be more blatant about it. They already don't like you, so what difference will it make? Continue to be a great family member, helping out whereever you can. BUT - when someone makes a sideways snipe at you - and we all know what those are - smile very sweetly and in front of the whole family say "SIL, I know you really didn't mean to imply that I am a hooker. That would be incredibly rude, and I know you don't think your brother is dumb enough to marry a prostitute, so I'm going to assume that you really didn't mean to call me a wh*re." Whatever works in the situation. Then stand back and watch her backpedal - in front of your husband.

Keep doing it. People who do that, do it because they know no one will ever call them on it.

Call them on it.

It shouldn't last long, if you keep questioning their tactics in front of the whole family. I bet the whole family has been hearing them do that all their lives, and don't hear it, just like your H. Make them hear it. Trust me, I've been there; you will not survive if you don't stand up for yourself. Quit waiting for your H to do it.

Isn't there an old "genteel South" tradition where, if someone says something ignorant or spiteful, you just put on your most syruppy smile and say, "Why, bless yer heart!"

Gives you a whole different kind of satisfaction to watch their reaction.

Catperson-
You are right about them not hearing it. I did talk with FWH about it Saturday night- basically he's so used to it he doesn't even see it. I do need to have a backbone with them- I guess I've just been trying to be the good DIL/SIL and not cause problems because I want there to be a good relationship with my kids and them. I have determined they are takers in this relationship and I have no more to give them. So until I stand up- nicely and firmly with them they will continue to take. I do like you example and have used something similar when they'd make remarks implying it was my fault for my FWH affair- such as he wasn't raised to do that. My reply- oh I didn't know mothers actually raised children to be infidels- hmmm. After a while- they'd say things like I meant he went to church- was in scouts etc- which I'd reply the same thing- didn't know it was in the church doctrine or scout code to teach such things- hmmm maybe I should reconsider my children attending such activities. They eventually stopped saying such things. Thanks- for taking the time- it's just after talking with my FWH about it- I felt like it was me- like I was off in my thinking- then when I talk to my friends and family- I don't know if they take my side because of the affair.

Jayne- Thanks for the idea of the saying- I'm from the south so it'd fit right in down here.

Thanks for taking the time